Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Behavior pattern was something Hyuntak had accidently learnt to spot.

It had become as natural as breathing to him, mindless, a part of him that one had to look for to really notice.

From little, more insignificant things, like Juntae's subtle dislike and discomfort of strangers towering over him when he was sitting on the aisle seat on the bus, until Hyuntak started pestering Humin into giving up his window seat for him.
He gave no indication that he had noticed how Juntae looked more relaxed sandwiched between the window and Humin, a person he could trust.
No explanation, other than playful jabs at Humin as he claimed that he just needed the proximity to annoy him more easily.

To bigger things, like being able to tell that Humin had been in a fight with his dad from the moment they greeted each other in the morning.
From Humin's smile, which lacked just a bit of its usual brightness, the slightly smaller portion on his plate and the fingers that would subtly fidget with Hyuntak's hoodie string as he had his arm wrapped around his shoulder.
On those days, Hyuntak would simply grab his hand as soon as the time to part ways came, pull him towards his house and keep him busy with meaningless topics, offering snacks and the distraction of much needed company.

He had found ways to notice the important things and help with those odd ways of his.
Effortless and subtle, to the point where sometimes Hyuntak himself wasn't aware he was doing it.

Despite all that, months had passed and Hyuntak had yet to find a way to entirely read Yeon Sieun in the same way.

He could spot the obvious signs of fatigue that even a stranger wouldn't miss, he could tell when the boy was in a slightly better mood than usual, saw the barely there smiles he offered mostly at Juntae.
There was also something familiar that Hyuntak couldn't stop noticing even if he tried. He couldn't name it, but it felt as though he had been looking at that very same thing his entire life, as though he should fix it somehow.

Hyuntak had no idea how to help and Sieun didn't seem willing to show him how to.
He had tried many times and each one left him more and more confused than the previous.

Like the time Sieun had gone days without joining them on the school cafeteria for lunch and by the fifth day Hyuntak mindlessly suggested they go try out a new food truck that had settled near by, one that he knew Humin had been dying to try out.
Sieun hadn't even concidered joining them, simply looking away as he immediately gave him a variation of his short, negative replies.

Hyuntak saw guilt. He never addressed it.

Or the time Sieun had looked more tired than usual, but had still somehow agreed to play basketball with them.
Hyuntak had hovered around him like a hawk, his eyes trained on the boy's sloppy moves until Sieun inevitably tripped over his own feet.
Hyuntak had been merely two feet away from him, had offered his hand at once, as if he had been expecting the other to fall, and grinned playfully with a teasing comment just at the tip of his lips.

" Don't leave me hanging, come on." was all he managed to get out before his grin fell slowly as Sieun merely glanced up at his hand with trembling pupils.
He ignored it and got up on his own with a quiet thanks.

Guilt. Again.

Though that one might've been Hyuntak's fault.
Sieun hated people touching him in general. That's all he repeated in his head to reassure himself, while he desperately tried to ignore the ache in his chest as all the times Humin or Juntae's touch was seen as tolerable and comforting flashed in his mind.

Then came the time when Hyuntak had noticed that some days Sieun couldn't seem to find a comfortable position to sleep before class began, always shifting back and forth and sighing in his arms.

Before he could even realise what he was doing, Hyuntak had found himself walking back from the club room with a small pillow in his hand, the one that Humin tended to use whenever he wanted to sleep after long practice sessions and the same one that Hyuntak wouldn't stop teasing him for due to its soft pink colour.

He had placed it under Sieun's desk, his eyebrow rising curiously when the boy eventually walked in and froze horribly at the sight.

Sieun had looked up and scanned the room in a haste, his gaze crazed with something unnamed before it eventually settled on Hyuntak.

" For your beauty naps.", was all Hyuntak said, making sure to wear an easygoing smirk to try and ease the panic he had accidentally caused.

Sieun didn't respond, didn't even touch it, and by the end of the day Hyuntak had found it back in the club room, placed on the couch carefully, as if it was a sacred thing.

More guilt followed. Achingly similar to the guilt he'd been seeing for years.

And while Hyuntak knew enough about him to understand why the boy was filled to the brim with it, he couldn't figure out why it was aimed at him so frequently.

Though, what he did end up figuring out was where exactly he had seen that very same guilt before, which pair of equally expressive eyes had been giving him those exact same looks.

" I think Sieunie hates my guts.", Hyuntak had confessed randomly, making the characteristic thud of the basketball hitting the ground come to a sudden halt.

" Don't be stupid.", was Humin's simple and stern reply that echoed across the empty field.

" Fine, he doesn't hate me, but he doesn't seem too fond of me either.", he corrected with a roll of his eyes.

Humin had looked at him, a suspicious and puzzled frown decorating his face as his hand slithered around his waist, instinctively offering comfort by rubbing small shapes over his shirt.
" Where is this coming from?"

Hyuntak melted subtly against the touch, his creased eyebrows softening slightly as honesty was practically drawn out of him through the gentle gesture.
"Everything I do to get closer to him ends up being wrong." a quiet mumble, more for himself rather than the other boy.
" He gives me some weird looks sometimes.", he added quietly, suddenly embarrassed at his own doubts.

And for a split second he swore he saw a realisation flash by Humin's eyes, understanding and a hint of pity.

" It's Yeon Sieun. He gives everyone weird looks, you're not special. ", Humin chuckled, letting the previous look completely dissolve behind playfulness, as though it had never been there, as though his grip around the other hadn't tightened momentarily.

" I don't mean those weird looks. ", Hyuntak grinned with a thoughtful tilt of his head,
" Sometimes he looks almost terrified, or-", he stopped.

This is so stupid.
But Humin didn't appear to think so too, if his intrigued and concerned scowl was anything to go by.

" Or? ", the other pressed, soft, but suddenly curious.

" It's dumb, screw it. ", Hyuntak thought out loud, but his arm was smacked harshly, yielding him to go on.
" Sometimes he looks at me like you did after everything happened.", he confessed vaguely, avoided the word like it was a curse, while motioning his hand around and nodding his head downwards, more specifically towards his knee.

Humin didn't say a word.
He barely even moved, opting to simply pull his hand away and tilt his head down.

He knew. He had noticed too.

He knew more than Hyuntak did, and still, he chose to simply smile sympathetically, in a way telling him you'll figure it out when the time comes.

" He doesn't hate you, dumbass.", was all he said in the end.
Quiet, tender, as if he physically couldn't get his voice to harden and go back to its normal volume.

Hyuntak hummed dismissively and snatched the ball from the other's hand.
" Guess I need to stop overthinking. ", he muttered, not entirely convinced yet, but unwilling to continue the conversation.

He never did stop overthinking it. With every remorseful look shot his way, he felt more and more heavy, felt the need to step in and fix something he seemed to have unwillingly broken.

There were times when he annoyed himself by how hard he had to try to read Sieun, despite him being broken in a way Hyuntak had dealt with before.

Sieun's entire existence was a familiar call for help and Hyuntak desperately wanted to respond.
From the outside it seemed as though Sieun himself didn't want anyone to pick up, to step in and offer a hand, but Hyuntak knew better than to give up and let him be.
He had spent his entire life with a person cursed by that mindset, a person with a much different demeanor, but similar, almost identical, signs of helplessness and traces of deep rooted guilt.

The difference was that Humin had eventually accepted his help, while Sieun only grew more and more distant with any attempt.

So Hyuntak kept trying, placed a bet with himself and let his competitiveness and concern push him forward, to watch closely, to notice more and more things.

It was amusing, really.
How little Hyuntak seemed to know about the boy he'd be confident to call one of his best friends, yet how much he could guess from his posture alone, from the way the boy barely carried his weight across the school hallways.

He only knew parts of his story and none of them were pleasant, but none gave him an explanation as to why his help specifically was unwelcome.

It was all far too amusing.

Just as amusing as the sight in front of him at that moment, as their poor excuse of a sleepover in his house took a slightly darker turn in the middle of the night.

The sudden gasp that had tore the room's silence in half happened merely seconds after Hyuntak had opened his eyes.
It hadn't been a coincidence. The rapid rustling next to him had woken him up and the panicked breathing that followed right after only made him more alert.

He had expected to see Humin hovering above him, to feel the familiar arm snake over him and seek comfort, for the other to bury his head in the crook of his neck and stay rooted there until the remnants of his nightmare faded away.

But Humin was right next to him, his steady breath fanning his hair and his arms so shamelessly wrapped around his waist, like a constant, grounding weight Hyuntak had long gotten used to.

Instead he saw Sieun, sat up on his futon a few feet away from him and trying to stop his rapid breathing from shattering the silence even more.

Maybe it was fatigue that made Hyuntak stay put and not move a muscle as the boy shook slightly and hid his face within his palms. Or maybe it was an odd mix of both understanding and fear of pushing him away once again.

Whatever the reason may have been, he kept his eyes half lidded and merely observed as Sieun carefully stood up, as he packed his jacket and charger into his backpack before grabbing his phone and typing something.

He looked back at them for a few moments, stared at their sleeping forms with something so wistful and regretful at the same time, as if he was yearning far too much for something that terrified him.

The remaining three phones lit up the dark room as soon as the door shut quietly behind Sieun and only then did Hyuntak pull himself out of his trance.

A taunting notification from their groupchat was reflecting back into his eyes when he grabbed his phone.

-Something came up. Don't worry., it read. Simple and dry, but it was progress, it was enough to make his heart swell.
Two months ago Sieun wouldn't have even agreed to sleep over at an other house, or be would have left without a word.

Hyuntak clutched his phone against his fist as he carefully unwrapped the blanket and Humin's limbs from around himself and rushed towards the exit of his bedroom.

The door of the house closed with a quiet thud and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of the empty hall.

A distant figure, hunched in on itself had just then stepped outside of the front yard.

"Yeon Sieun.", he called, his voice cracking slightly when his untied shoe laces almost managed to make him face plant on the pavement.

Sieun froze for a few seconds before turning around to face the other, observing with wondering eyes as he walked towards him with wide steps.

" Going on a late night walk so suddenly?", Hyuntak joked as soon as he caught up to him, an attempt at easing into the conversation he suddenly needed to have.

Sieun let his eyes drift towards the backpack hanging off his shoulder before looking back at the other with an unimpressed frown.

" I'm going home.", he said casually, his voice wavering so little that Hyuntak almost missed it entirely.

He looked wrecked up close and under the light of the street posts. A tired and almost haunting look had taken over his gaze, welcomed by the signature dark circles and red rimmed eyes he had been wearing since Hyuntak had met him.

" Sleep's a tough thing, huh?", Hyuntak found himself muttering out loud.

And Sieun stared at him for a few moments, scrutinising eyes analysing Hyuntak's every move.

Hyuntak did the same, eventually able to spot the exact moment the realisation that he knew, that he had seen, struck Sieun.

" At times. ", the boy replied simply.

It wasn't a lie. It wasn't entirely dismissive like Hyuntak thought it'd be. It was a start.

" At times, sure.", he mirrored quietly as his mind supplied him with images of all the times Sieun's expressive eyes had been decorated by prominent dark circles, or the familiar pills Juntae secretly offered him when it got too bad.
" You packed your things so quietly. ", he commented after a few seconds of silence, opting to slightly change the subject as soon as he saw the boy's gaze drift towards the ground in uncertainty.

Sieun's eyebrows rose slightly before furrowing just a tiny bit.
"I didn't meant to wake you up."

Something in Hyuntak's chest ached at the apologetic tone the simple words carried.

" Ah, you didn't. The prize for that goes to Baku and his snoring.", Hyuntak lied easily, despite the wary look he received.

Still, Sieun accepted the lie and nodded.
"I'm going now.", he mumbled as he began to walk away, but once again found himself freezing in place when the sound of his footsteps was mirrored.

" Alright, lead the way."

Hyuntak was beside him, hands in his pockets and his head tilted up towards the night sky in such a painfully familiar way that made Sieun reel back even more.

" What are you doing?", he questioned and watched as the boy stopped in his tracks and turned around with creased eyebrows, as if questioning his actions was obscure.

Hyuntak pouted slightly in response.
" I could use a walk, you could use a bodyguard, it all works out.", he explained with a tone so casual and borderline smug that made Sieun's chest ache with familiarity, burn with nostalgia that he had been desperately trying to push back for the last two years.

" You look like a wreck.", Sieun deadpanned after scanning him from head to toe, sharp gaze flicking back and forth from the mess that was Hyuntak's hair and his eyes which were slightly swollen from exhaustion.
" I doubt you'd be able to protect me or yourself from a middleschooler at your state. "

Instead of getting faux offended like he would with anyone else, Hyuntak merely threw his head back in a huff.

" There goes my pride, I guess. ", he grinned, carefree and casual, as if the whole world was moving at his pace.

The other stared for a moment longer than he normally would allow himself, gave Hyuntak a chance to read his eyes, in a way challenging him to.
Hyuntak could translate nothing but guilt, as if it was the only thing Sieun couldn't figure out how to hide.

" I'll text when I get home, if it makes you feel better.", was all Sieun's monotone voice offered before he began to distance himself once again.

A hand grabbed his shoulder, but Sieun only stopped walking when the boy spoke.

" Can I know why you're leaving? "
He suddenly sounded so desperate and pleading, as if he would explode if he didn't get a sincere answer, as if all the times his help had been rejected had stacked up and were physically crushing him.

Hyuntak's mind flashed back to the look Sieun had given the three of them before closing the door. That broken and undeciphered look that screamed uncertainty and panic.

It hadn't come just from whatever dream he had seen, Hyuntak knew that much.
It was fear, but it wasn't caused by the nightmare alone. It was panic, but his choppy breathing hadn't quite matched with it.

Sieun saw the turmoil, the despair, and his remorse only doubled.

" It's overwhelming. ", he confessed eventually, refusing to meet his friend's eyes for reasons he himself didn't want to acknowledge.

Hyuntak recoiled slightly, surprised that he even got a reply, much less a genuine one.

" In a bad way?", he wondered with a frown.

" Is there a good way?", Sieun countered after a few seconds.

Hyuntak huffed, " Sure is."

When Sieun finally turned to look at him he felt his shoulders fall a bit, felt an odd sense of thrill at finally being given a chance to help, to peak in and get answers.

Elaborate, Sieun's eyes said and Hyuntak caught it effortlessly, as though he'd been speaking a language like his since forever.

" Don't you ever feel like you're drowning while surrounded by people you care about?"

Sieun's eyebrow shot up in amusement.
" That doesn't sound good or healthy.", he deadpaned.

" Ah, guess I worded it wrong.", Hyuntak chuckled while scrunching his nose in thought.
" It feels like your heart is constantly about to explode with endearment.", he eventually chose to say, his eyes now closed as his voice grew softer with each word.
" It's overwhelming in a good way, to the point where you're asking yourself if you're even worthy of feeling like that. "

His eyes opened just in time to catch a glimpse of that same exact look he had been sure he'd never translate.
Seeing it up close created a knot in his throat, the tangled string rolling down and tugging against his chest with sorrow.

" That still doesn't sound healthy.", Sieun commented, despite his shaking pupils diverting away from other the moment they spotted recognition.

Hyuntak snapped out of his trance and scoffed softly.
" You know exactly what I'm talking about, you jerk. "

Sieun's lips opened, then closed, suddenly awkward and hesitant in a way that made him finally look like the teenage boy he was.
And Hyuntak waited, tried to not drown in the achingly familiar remorse that was aimed at him, tried to not replace the boy's eyes with a more familiar pair.

" Do you feel like that sometimes?", Sieun then asked quietly, as if ashamed of being curious, afraid of getting close.

" You mean with the three of you? Fuck no. ", Hyuntak huffed, a painfully obvious lie to both, but playful enough to keep the mood light.
" Maybe I can feel something similar with Juntae, but the other bastard only exists to bring me to my limits. ", he continued with a scowl that turned just a bit more soft the moment he turned to look at the other.
" You're okay too, I guess. Somewhere in between. ", he added with a grin while nudging his elbow against Sieun's shoulder.

Guilt. More guilt and nothing else.
That's all Sieun's glistening eyes allowed him to see.

" Have you ever felt like that?", he felt the need to ask, to know if Sieun had been fortunate enough, if he himself had been a good enough friend to return that redeeming emotion.

A hum. Affirmative and soft against the cold breeze of the night.
"A few times."

And the raw relief that flowed through Hyuntak must've been visible enough because Sieun's eyes suddenly softened in a way they only ever did when Hyuntak wasn't looking.

" Oh? ", exclaimed Hyuntak, his voice filled to the brim with curiosity and something achingly close to pride,
" When was the last time? "
He was looking for an answer, for confirmation, and Sieun saw right through it all.

Still, he chose to simply hand it to him.

" Right now, I think. ", he shakily exhaled, as if admitting it out loud would set off a bomb.

Hyuntak's smile took a few seconds to bloom, as though his mind had suddenly gotten tangled in the combination of unfamiliar tenderness and terror in the other's voice.

He felt light, floating in the relief of the revelation, at how full it made his chest feel.

" So that's why you won't stay?", he asked with a huff in an attempt to disguise even a bit of the unfiltered fondness his voice was layered with.
" You like us too much? "

Sieun's gaze flickered until it fell towards the ground.

" I shouldn't feel that way.", he elaborated poorly.
Fear had appeared among the guilt, lurking in the way every word was said.

Hyuntak's eyebrows shot up, wary rather than shocked.
"Why not?"
It sounded almost rhetorical, as though he already knew the answer, but needed to confirm it, or rather silently beg Sieun to prove his suspicion wrong.

But Sieun wasn't fond of lying, especially not when the last time he had attempted to had ended up consuming the last two years of his life. That simple and well intended lie had been dragging him further and further down, forcing him to search for the bottom of an endless ocean.

Sieun refused to lie and the sickeningly familiar pair of eyes stuck on his might've been an extra reason not to.

" It hasn't worked out too well for me in the past. "
And it won't work out too well for any of you either.
It was left unsaid, but Sieun found himself reeling back when Hyuntak seemed to have heard it loud and clear, as if the boy was fluent in a language that Sieun had made up himself, as if he'd been speaking it his entire life, just in a different dialect.

So maybe it had been a mistake to not hide it better, to underestimate the other,
because the way Hyuntak's eyes widened in pure recognition clogged up Sieun's throat with regret.

Before he could risk seeing the full reaction, Sieun began walking again, this time without any variation of a goodbye.

" You shouldn't punish yourself like that, Sieunie.", Hyuntak's voice stopped him in his tracks.

Sieun's fists clutched, shook subtly as they tightened around his backpack straps.
He felt exposed in a way he hadn't felt ever since he had decided to briefly talk about his past to Humin, seen in a way he had been trying to avoid.

"What?", he questioned and froze in place when Hyuntak looked at him as if he knew everything, as if Sieun had already told him the story of his unfortunate life.
He looked away, despite how much it hurt to hear the other's breath hitch in panic.

" You blame yourself for something you couldn't prevent and now you refuse to let others get close in fear of them getting hurt too.", was the rapid reply he got, rushed and eager to be heard.

Sieun turned to fully face the other again, only to be met with a pair of desperate eyes laced in sorrow and an ounce of anger.

Hyuntak looked just as wrecked as Sieun felt, the sudden ache in his chest making his eyes play tricks on him.
The boy in front of him suddenly looked much taller, broader and far too familiar, blue fading into red.

" I know someone similar to you and everytime he feels like that I want to just punch his teeth in until it leaves a gap big enough for some sense to sneak into his brain. ", he thought out loud with a rough, humourless chuckle that might as well have scraped its way up his neck with how pained it sounded.

" I'm not like Humin.", Sieun opted to say.
Blunt, straightforward, but purely dishonest.
He knew it to be true, after all. He could see it himself.

The surprise in Hyuntak's face at the mention of the other's name vanished as quickly as it had arrived, replaced with a saddened, knowing grin.

" Damn right, you're somehow far more stubborn than that jackass. ", Hyuntak said behind gritted teeth, mumbled it like it was a curse he'd been carrying,
" But I'll tell you exactly what I tell him everytime. ", he finally walked forward and shot a wordless question, waited for the subtle and questioning nod before placing his hand on the boy's shoulder,
" It wasn't your fault."
Gentle, but firm. Honest, borderline pleading to be believed.

Sieun looked right at the hand on his shoulder as he spoke.
" I put someone in a coma." an attempt to scare the other away, delivered nonchalantly and with no colour, as if begging him to be afraid and leave him alone.

But the soft blue of Hyuntak's soul faded into a vibrant red for a split second, his widened eyes turned sharp and painfully familiar.

" He fought for me and now he's gone.", Sieun found himself muttering, the sound of his voice being foreign in his own ears.

He expected the other boy to pull away, to quit whatever he was trying to do, but just like his soul was familiar, so was his stubbornness.

Hyuntak merely sighed as he hid his face in his palm in exasperation.
" Ah, you're so much worse than Baku. ", he mumbled to himself and Sieun chose to ignore the fact that it almost sounded like a desperate cry.
" That person-",

" Suho.", Sieun interrupted immediately and his own eyes widened at the way the name rolled of his tongue so easily.
He had typed it countless times, but he had almost managed to forget its taste, or what it sounded like in his voice.

" Suho. ", Hyuntak repeated in a tone much softer than his usual, as if testing the waters.
Because this wasn't just any name. It was an introduction to the most important person of Sieun's life, a peace offering, a sign of raw trust that Hyuntak didn't believe he had.

Sieun nodded slightly, both a confirmation at the name and at the conversation Hyuntak was attempting to start.

" Suho fought because of me and ended up in a coma.", he opted to repeat, a confession that wasn't necessary, but instead something he suddenly had to get off his chest, had to say the full sentence just to feel the shame and remorse properly.

Hyuntak reeled back, pulled his now frozen hand away from him, and just as Sieun's hope started both rising and burning in flames, just as he expected to see fear and disgust, he was met with nothing but blank, widened eyes.
It slowly blended within a mixture of anger and distain, littered the boy's soft features with rage.

And Sieun hated how much it hurt.
He almost began to walk away once again, but the shaky exhale that suddenly filled the silence made him pause, made him really look at the other.

Remorse was leading the army of the war taking place in his eyes.

" I'm such a piece of shit, aren't I?", Hyuntak suddenly huffed as he tugged at his own hair lightly.
Sieun blinked, confused and suddenly alert.
"For all that stuff I said that one time. ", he said quietly, shame dripping down every inch of his existence.

Sieun's heart dropped slightly at the bitterness the words held, at the realisation that Hyuntak was aiming the rage and disgust entirely at himself rather than at Sieun.

His gaze softened without him even realising.
" You didn't know.", he frowned, pointily trying to ignore the odd need to reach forward and offer some sort of comfort.

" That's exactly why I shouldn't have said anything. "

" You felt threatened.", came Sieun's simple observation.

" Don't defend me.", Hyuntak scolded, suddenly hesitant to even glance at the conflicting look the other boy wore, as if he didn't feel worthy of seeing any hint of forgiveness.

" It was all technically true, though.", was the thoughtful response, unbothered and casual, as though this was a normal conversation topic,
" I ruined someone's life." and it was a strike straight to the heart to know that Sieun remembered his exact words.

Hyuntak flinched back as though the words had burnt him.
" I'm sure he doesn't believe that.", he suddenly sounded desperate, raw panic and sorrow flowing through his veins like fire,
" He doesn't blame you."

" Did you?", Sieun raised an eyebrow, half wary, half hopeful,
" Did you ever blame Humin? " and he opted to ignore how his voice shook, how the words sounded far more fragile than he intended.
Like a child seeking for approval, for anything to hold him up.

The other's hands twitched subtly, the simple question making his eyes widen further and his breath hitch in disbelief.

" No. ", Hyuntak scowled, almost cried the word out, because it was such so ridiculous, so obvious.
" I never did and never will, but the other idiot has been stuck there, convinced that he ruined my life when in fact I wouldn't change a single thing from the day I met him. "

He never even understood how Humin would blame himself when none of it was something he could've controlled or changed.
But that same doubt and confusion Hyuntak had for years worked so hard to wipe away was suddenly in front of him once again, a raging and fresh wound that people had tried to patch up, but were barely successful at helping.
And the reason why was suddenly so clear.

Humin had Hyuntak to remind him, to pull him away from his guilt and smother him with reassurance every time things felt heavy.

Sieun didn't have Suho.

Sieun was stuck alone, believing the one person who loved him like no other must hate him, blame him for something he couldn't have prevented. An act of loyalty and care that ended with remorse and a cruel absence from Sieun's life.

Humin had his other half to brush his tears away and wipe that familiar frown away from his youthful features.
Sieun's other half was asleep, restless and unable to do anything other than slowly fight his way to consciousness.

Sieun didn't need help.
He needed Suho to tell him everything Hyuntak had told time and time again to Humin in order to pull him back on the surface.

Sieun needed Suho and Suho wasn't there.

But Hyuntak could speak on Suho's behalf until he came back.
He could try to make their resemblance and shared experiences useful.

" He loves you.", he uttered with pure certainty, as though the unconscious boy had personally told him, as though they shared thoughts along with past trauma.
"So fucking much.", he added with a wet chuckle and let his hand land softly on Sieun's arm, let his thumb draw circles on his skin in a way he knew to be helpful.

Sieun, who was suddenly frozen as if he had never heard of that word before, had never even considered its existence.

Sieun, who was looking at the hand clutching his arm as if it would disappear anytime soon and leave him alone and disturbingly light once again, leave him to float uselessly around the world, cursed to never meet the ground.

" I risked everything for Baku and I never, not once, believed the outcome was his fault. ", the other began again and Sieun didn't want to acknowledge the shakiness of his voice, but the sniffle that followed was enough to throw his act of indifference out the window.
" I reckon Suho feels the same.", Hyuntak went on to whisper, the corners of his lips tugging upwards as soon as their eyes met, offering a fond and pleading smile.

Sharp eyes stared back at Sieun, a gaze familiar and determined in the most endearing and wistful way possible.

Red flickered back to blue and Sieun couldn't find it in him to mourn its loss.
It hurt, but it was still there, different, but familiar. It didn't leave Sieun alone, didn't trick his eyes into believing that it was gone entirely.

It wasn't Suho, but it was Hyuntak.
It wasn't half of his missing soul, but it was someone who knew how to help patch the hole up.

It was an echo of words he had long convinced himself he would never get to hear, it was Suho's words spoken in Hyuntak's voice.

It was a mirror, a reflection of their souls that, despite not being a match, tried desperately to heal each other, just because they could, just because Hyuntak knew that the guilt wouldn't vanish away on its own.

" He wouldn't want you blaming yourself. He'd hate it more than anything.", Hyuntak added after a few moments of silence, after he was sure the other boy had enough time to process everything.

And he smiled in relief the moment he saw his words getting absorbed into Sieun's mind, saw the devastatingly late realisation roll down his cheeks in the form of crystalline tears.

He didn't reach forward to wipe them away, no matter how much the sight made his chest ache. It wasn't his place, wasn't his warmth that Sieun needed.
Instead he opted to nudge his shoulder lightly.

" Don't make me snitch on you the moment I meet him. ", he playfully scolded,
" He'll be rightfully mad and I'll side with him."
The grip on his friend's arm suddenly became tighter, as if sensing the other's distance, the need to feel grounded.

The silence was bittersweet, but light.
New, but certainly not unwelcome.

" He'd like you.", was all Sieun opted to say after a few moments, quiet, suddenly hesitant in such an endearing way that made the air between them feel even more familiar.

" Damn right he'll like me. ", Hyuntak subtly corrected with a soft smirk that Sieun couldn't stand to look at for more than a few seconds.

Because that simple correction had stunned his brain, had made him realise that he had almost been ready to give up the idea of Suho waking up.

It wasn't even hope that decorated Hyuntak's voice. It was certainty, a subtle reassurance, a promise that he'll wake up, that Sieun would get the other half of his soul back and Hyuntak would get to meet his reflection.

And, as if Hyuntak caught the inner turmoil and brief panic in the other's gaze, he moved his arm up and patted his shoulder gently.

" I don't think you should be alone right now.", he said simply, casual and straightforward.
" So either we'll go back inside together, or I'll sleep at your place.", he suggested with a small grin, which only widened when Sieun huffed and walked past him towards the half lidded door of the front yard.

Sieun eyed the hallway that lead to the bedroom as soon as they walked in the house and subtly reeled back at the thought of the overwhelming atmosphere.

" Wanna stay out here for a bit? ", Hyuntak wondered casually and watched as the other nodded and walked towards the living room with a sigh.
" What is it? ", he questioned, hastily making his way to the kitchen and coming back just in time to see Sieun sit carefully on the couch.

" I'm just tired. ", muttered Sieun, pointily ignoring how the other's eyes seemed to have lit up at the raw honesty of his answer, at the vulnerability he was choosing to let him see.

" Yeah, sleep tends to help with that. ", came the cocky reply Hyuntak had to offer before throwing a small bottle of pills towards the other and snickering softly at the glare the action received.
" Those are the ones, right?", he then asked and watched with forced indifference as Sieun's annoyed frown was replaced by pure surprise and wonder at the sight of the familiar bottle.
" My mom needs them sometimes, so we always keep some in the house.", he elaborated when a silent question was shot his way, suddenly feeling small under the boy's sharp and scrutinising gaze.

And while he expected to get the usual blant and remorseful frown, he froze in place when the corners of Sieun's lips tugged in a small, barely there, smile.

" Thanks. "
A quiet, fond mumble that forced an amused huff from the other boy.

The silence lasted only for a few minutes just enough time for Sieun to take one of the pills and then lean back on the couch with a sigh.

" So," Hyuntak started, hesitant and suddenly quiet as he plopped on the couch,
" Tell me how he's like.", he said while scooting closer to the other, leaving only a small gap between their arms.
Inviting, warm and just awkward enough for it to be endearing.

" I know what you're trying to do.", Sieun deadpanned right back after eyeing the other from head to toe.

Hyuntak only leaned closer and nudged him with his elbow.
" It'll work, I have a cozy shoulder.", he smirked softly and felt his anxiety settle slowly at the sight of a playful roll of the eyes.

Sieun didn't lean any closer, but he didn't pull away either.

" He's annoying and selfless. ", he began out of the blue, puffing when the boy next to him tensed slightly at the sincere answer.
" Hardworking, stubborn, kind.", he went on, unsurprised to find his voice softening with every word, every adjective and every memory brought to the surface.
" With a hero complex that knows no bounds."
Bittersweet and regretful to a sickening level, that's all that radiated off of the boy as he slowly melted more and more against the couch.

" No wonder you two fit together so well then.", Hyuntak huffed playfully, the glint in his eyes filled to the brim with fondness after seeing the other's warm smile.

Sieun's shoulder suddenly tensed against his own.

" I'm not like him at all. ", he denied, murmured it like it was a shameful thing.

" Yeah?", challenged Hyuntak, " What's your main difference?"

The reply arrived immediately, as though Sieun had spend hours, days, years thinking about it.
" He's a good person."

Hyuntak reeled back for a moment, his watering eyes and sorrowful frown swiftly being replaced by an unimpressed scowl as soon as Sieun looked at him.

" I asked for a difference, you punk. ", he scolded playfully with a scoff, but was only met with more doubt.

It hurt. Sieun had more empathy and warmth than most people who'd walk around proudly announcing they were kind, and yet he couldn't see it.

" You're much more warm hearted than you give yourself credit for.", Hyuntak found himself muttering, honesty dripping from every word like honey.

Sieun froze and for a moment Hyuntak swore he saw that familiar look of guilt take over his features, the very same one that had been haunting him ever since he met him.

And as if Sieun knew it hurt him to see it, he rushed to face the other way.

What did I do? Why is that look aimed at no one but me?, he wanted to ask, to beg for an answer.
Instead he let his lips purse shut, afraid of crossing an invisible line and drawing the other boy further away after the major process they had made this past hour.

" You remind me of him.", Sieun replied anyway, somehow able to read Hyuntak's thoughts and hear the desperate questions.

For a moment it made Hyuntak's throat feel tighter, made his racing heartbeat come to a halt.

" I do?", he eventually asked, both inruiged and shaken up by the revelation.

Sieun hummed.
" Sometimes so much that it hurts to be around you. "

You remind me of him so much that it hurts to watch you try to punish yourself for things you didn't do, Hyuntak wanted to counter, but he didn't need to.
Sieun knew.

They were two halves of two pairs, two shattered mirror pieces looking at their missing souls in the reflection.

It hurt Hyuntak, to watch a version of Humin that wouldn't allow himself to heal, despite also having the real Humin by his side.
So, in return, how much did it hurt Sieun to be daily reminded of the person he missed the most? To see a more fortunate version of him roam around the streets while wearing his familiar grin?

" Sorry.", Hyuntak mumbled instead of voicing any of it out loud, instead of asking what exactly he should change in order to bring some peace to the other boy.

" I should be apologising to you.", Sieun said with a firm shake of his head and a deep sigh.
" You thought I hated you, didn't you?", he wondered, despite already knowing the answer.

Hyuntak rushed to look away, suddenly feeling his face heat up just enough for it to be noticable.
" A bit, yeah. ", came the reply followed by a small huff.

Sieun shook his head again, his shoulders falling in disappointment for no one but himself as more of the familiar guilt he'd been trapped with started flowing through his veins.

" I'm just scared. ", a fragile confession, simple words that he had never dared to admit to anyone else before, not even himself.

And the way Hyuntak froze and tried to subtly create some space between them only made Sieun's lungs feel tighter.

" I'm scared that the moment I let you get close you'll have a similar ending as him." he elaborated hastily, turning to face the other before speaking again,
" You've almost had in the past.", he then said, his gaze flickering away at the reminder of Humin's mirrored rage and despair as he briefly told him their story.

" It wasn't anything like that.", Hyuntak rushed to defend, but let his lips snap shut the moment he was met with a stern look and watery eyes.

" You value your loyalty a lot more than your life."

Hyuntak swallowed sharply, unwilling to lie in order to defend himself.

" It's unfair for people like you to be around someone like me. ", Sieun went on to say, but a bitter scoff made his train of thought come to an abrupt halt.

" Are you implying that Baku is selfish for letting me stay? "
It fell harshly against the silence, bounced between them and made Sieun shamefully close his eyes shut.

" Like I said, I'm not like Humin and he's not like me. ", he defended quietly, uncertain and tired.

" You two are exactly the same and I know you can see it too. ", Hyuntak finally snapped back, managed to raise his voice just a bit,
" Selfless idiots who blame themselves for everything wrong in the world. ", he mumbled behind gritted teeth, listed everything with such exasperation and melancholy.

And he could see Sieun's conflict, could see him fight to not accept it, to find any difference between them, could see the doubt swim among his features and corrupting them.

In the end he settled with a simple and hushed " Humin can protect you. " I couldn't protect him.
The only difference he could find within his panic and fatigue.

A hand landed softly on his head, fingers buried in his hair as they brushed back and forth a few times in an attempt to ground him.

" It wasn't your fault, Sieunie. ", a loud and clear statement, tender and certain in all the right ways that forced more pools of tears to gather under Sieun's half lidded eyes.
" You did everything you could. ", Hyuntak added with a hushed tone,
" I can keep saying it over and over again, until you start believing it." until he wakes up, until he can say it too, his eyes spelled.
" Or until you get sick of me and actually start to hate me.", he finished with a smirk and forced an amused scoff from the other boy.
" Don't scoff at me, you punk. I'm being serious. "

His playfully offended scowl fell as soon as he noticed Sieun's lips tug upwards and his glimmering eyes crease just slightly.
And Hyuntak was sure he had never seen a smile so saddened, so wistful and yet simultaneously so hopeful in his life.

" You're so alike, it's annoying. ", Sieun whispered gently just as the first tear rolled down the curve of his cheek.
He hid it, opted to duck his head and hesitantly let it lean on Hyuntak's offering shoulder, his own body freezing when he felt him go tense.
" Though he's not as anger driven.", he spoke quietly, suddenly desparate to shift the attention away from the action.

Hyuntak's gaze was stuck at the table in front of them as he tried to mindlessly huff without moving an inch.
" I bet you he'll spend one week with Park Humin and change his tactics.", he replied with an audible grin.

" You love him a lot. ", a casual shift, soft, quiet and almost teasing.
" Huminie.", he uselessly elaborated and felt Hyuntak soften, almost melt under the pleasant weight of the familiar name.

" Of course I do." and it sounded as if that had been the first time he'd ever voiced it out loud, but it was far from the first time he'd shown it.
" He has been my one and only pillar for the longest time.", shameless, proud and melancholic in such a beautiful way.
" Now I've got three.", he added with a gentle smirk as he lightly butted his head on the other boy's.
" Four, as soon as Suho and I team up against you and Baku.", he then corrected casually, speaking of the boy he hadn't even met as if they had been friends already, as if he was welcome in the group before he even had the chance to wake up and ask for an invitation.

The normality of it all, the effortless determination and optimism radiating off of the other only made Sieun's bones feel heavier and his soul lighter.

" Thanks, Gotak-ah.", he mumbled, only then realising that his cheek had settled on Hyuntak's shoulder, slurring his words slightly.

Hyuntak was stunned for a few seconds, both by the endearment that rolled off his tongue easily and by the fact that the other didn't bother to move, to put back that familiar barrier of distance between them.

" Don't mention it.", he muttered with a radiant and audible smile of his own, a fond and prideful thing.
" I'm just glad you don't hate my guts. ", was the last thing Sieun heard before his eyes closed shut entirely and his body sagged in contentment.

Hours later he was barely crawling back to consciousness when the sound of a door slamming open echoed across the living room.

" Mystery solved.", said a quiet and high pitched voice, the tone relieved and full of awe.

" I told you no one would want to kidnap them.", an other voice joined, louder and bolder as it approached.
" That's a sight to behold, isn't it? "

Sieun felt the body next to his move a bit, almost as if attempting to melt more into the couch and away from the loud noise.

" Keep your voice down, dumbass.", a third voice sounded from right next to him, this one hoarse, whiny and filled to the brim with what could only be described as endearment that couldn't be kept in.

Fingers started raking through his hair, a playful and familiar ruffle that only made him feel more hazy and lost in the odd comfort he had been yearning to feel for the longest time.

A content sigh warmed up his skin and soft snickering reached his ears right as the hand moved from his head to the other's and the couch dipped down under Humin's weight.

"I'll snap your fingers off, I swear.", he heard Hyuntak mumble, the threatening words contrasting ridiculously with his gentle tone and the way he melted slowly against the touch and the added warmth on his other side.

" I'll forgive you for ditching me only because you graced us with the rare sight of Yeon Sieun being affectionate.", said Humin, the fondness bouncing right back along with the playful, faux betrayal in his voice.

" I didn't ditch you.", the other bit back at once as his head almost instinctively shifted from over Sieun's and settled on Humin's shoulder.

" You absolutely did. I woke up alone and miserable."

" Juntae was right there, why didn't you cuddle with him?", Hyuntak teased right back, familiar banter effortlessly falling into place despite their voices still carrying morning fatigue.

The latter's familiar giggle sounded as Sieun felt the couch dip in next to him and an arm just barely brush against his.
" You missed your chance.", retorted Juntae with an audible grin as mirroring amused chuckles filled the room.
" Now keep it down, you'll wake him up.", followed his hushed warning, stern despite the fondness it carried.

Sieun felt it again, that overwhelming endearment Hyuntak had briefly talked about. That same emotion that had him running away just hours prior, the one he believed he didn't deserve to feel.

The whispered bickering that kept going on his left along with the warmth that engulfed him from everywhere around him, the way Hyuntak's shoulder felt welcoming against his cheek, Humin's hand had left solace behind the brief and playful ruffle of his head and Juntae's arm was just barely out of reach, not there to overwhelm him, but to just provide grounding comfort.
It all was too much in the most melancholic and redeeming way possible.

It was almost everything he needed. Something, someone, was missing, but instead of pure dread filling him at the reminder, Sieun could only find himself feeling subtly hopeful, could only imagine a phantom hand clutching his and adding more to the serenity of the moment.
And as though Hyuntak's determination and certainty had bled through him, he felt oddly hazy, suddenly yearning for a moment that would sooner or later arrive instead of mourning something that hadn't been lost entirely.

Suho-yah, I'm sorry, was all he thought before once again letting his body relax against the warmth and stability.
I almost forgot everything you've taught me.

Chapter Text

Hyuntak noticed the changes without even meaning to.

It wasn't anything major, anything that he would've spotted if he hadn't been subconsciously looking for it, but it was something. It was an attempt from both sides, a wordless promise that they wouldn't let their friendship wither away before it could even bloom.

The other boy acknowledged him more. His reassuring and playful touches were battling to become just as welcome as Humin and Juntae's.
Sieun made an active effort to give out signs that Hyuntak wasn't a painful reminder, but a friend, an entirely different person who played an important role in his life.

Hyuntak felt like he was finally getting long awaited approval and attention from a brother he never had.

He was still basking in pride and awe from the time Sieun had awkwardly patted his back after a victorious basketball game, or the time he had asked Sieun if he had been getting enough sleep lately and had received a dismissive, yet honest answer.

" It's just nightmares."

Not that the confession was needed. Hyuntak could recognise the evidence of chronic nightmares from miles away, but the realisation that Sieun trusted him enough with it was enough to make his chest feel full.

" Call me next time. ", he had told him with a gentle nudge against his shoulder.
" I don't mind if you wake me up.", he rushed to say before the other could oppose.

Sieun had merely hummed, hesitant, but not entirely opposed to it. Willing to try, just to see the other's discreet, satisfied smile when he inevitably helped.

The familiar, gut wrenching guilt was still littering his eyes in particularly harsh moments and he'd always rush to bury it away, no longer out of shame, but purely because it had the ability to effortlessly hurt Hyuntak.
Though he was learning to accept it, to dissolve small parts of it slowly with every reassurance and gentle touch.

That's all Hyuntak wanted to do. To help, not to heal entirely.
It'd be selfish and arrogant to believe that he could manage such a thing when he knew he wasn't the puzzle piece that matched the gaping hole in Sieun's soul.

A hand nudged against his own and Hyuntak grabbed it with no second thought.

An amused huff followed.
" You seem happier lately.", said a familiar voice, the one Hyuntak could never get tired of hearing no matter what he said.

He turned to face its source, only to be met with a pair of eyes already locked on him and a content, filled with awe smile.

" I do?", he wondered as his eyebrow shot up slightly.

Humin hummed, the sound almost as soft as his gaze, and simply waited with an unspoken question lingering in the air around them.

"I guess I've been feeling a bit lighter these days.", came a quiet murmur followed by a content sign as the wind around them picked up just a bit.

An other hum, this one slightly smug, but still fond.
" Sieunie seems happier too. More open with you." he said right back, the knowing huff he received only making his smile brighter.
" I thought he hated your guts. ", he then teased with a soft smirk.

Their joined hands smacked lightly against his ribs.

" You knew everything, didn't you?", Hyuntak wondered, faux annoyance making its way in his voice as though it was always meant to be there.

The other bit his lip before nodding subtly.
" I figured it out the moment he talked to me about him. ", both his voice and gaze dropped while his grip on the other's hand tightened, almost instinctively, as though he was imagining a reality in which he didn't have the privilege of holding Hyuntak like that.

And Hyuntak saw through it all, saw the conflicted relief, the melancholy and most importantly, the guilt.

His thumb had began drawing circles on Humin's hand before he even realised, in a way trying to ground him, to remind him subtly that no alternative, doomed scenario mattered.

" It's unfair.", he still found himself saying because it was nothing but the truth.
He could enjoy what he had all he wanted, but the pit in his stomach still screamed that it was unfair that such gift wasn't given to everyone.

" It's terrifying.", Humin corrected after a few seconds,
"I don't know how he does it.", he added with a sigh, his frown deepening impossibly more at the thought alone of how hard Sieun must be trying to keep it together everyday, of how he himself hadn't been able to do the same at first, despite having Hyuntak by his side.
He was lost, drowning in his own head even when Hyuntak was there to brush the negativity away step by step.

Nearly three years later he still doubted the constant reassurance he was provided with, he had moments where his mind managed to convince him that Hyuntak should want him gone from his life, moments where Hyuntak held him as if he was the most precious being while his head screamed that he didn't deserve it after hurting him so much.

Humin had never been alone, but the weight had still almost managed to crush him.
The thought of having to carry it by himself, of having to go through it all without Hyuntak's voice to guide him was enough to make him feel sick.

Sieun wasn't alone, but he was lonely. There was a gap in his chest that no friendship could regenerate, a big portion of his soul missing that would only heal by the words of the boy occupying that hospital bed.

" Stop it.", a firm voice pulled him out of it effortlessly.

Humin blinked the blurriness away from his eyes and sighed.
" I keep imagining myself in his place."

"I know. Stop it."

"I wouldn't be able to deal with it. ", he eventually voiced out loud, a shameful admission that had the hand in his tense and the comforting patterns come to a halt.

" You would.", spoke Hyuntak after a few seconds, voice steady and calm.
"You'd wait for me just like he's waiting for him.", a statement with his signature certainty and determination woven into each word, as though he had peaked through the alternative realities and had seen it happen, as though he could see Sieun's courage reflecting right back on Humin.
" You're both strong like that. ", he finished with a soft smile, to mirror the one that had started this conversation.

Humin still found himself doubting it. Neither his body or mind would have allowed him to keep going if Hyuntak were to get stuck in unconsciousness, somewhere far away from him, because of him and his mistakes.

He had dreams, nightmares, of Hyuntak disappearing when the boy was sleeping right next to him.
Sieun didn't need to imagine it, but he also didn't have the comfort of reassurance by his side.

He wondered if Sieun replays it over and over in his head, if his dreams also make sure to never let him forget.
And if so, what exactly he needs to do to calm his racing heart, or even if he can get his heart to stop beating painfully fast.

But when days later Humin stood and watched that exact scenario unwind in front of him, he wished he had never let the curious questions fill his mind, he wished he had never let himself assume that their minds were so terrifyingly alike.

" Sieun-ah? ", Juntae was the first to call out to him, still rubbing the sleep off his eyes and trying to process why there was a cold, empty space on the futon they shared.
Wheezing breaths were the only reply he got.

Humin watched as Hyuntak shot up at once, as he crawled his way towards the boy who was clutching the blanket in his fists with his head bowed down and his shoulders rapidly rising and falling in a way that looked borderline painful.

Like an instinct, Hyuntak sat close and looked up at the other, his eyebrows quirked up in such a familiar way that screamed empathy, remorse.
"Yeon Sieun.", he started, a faint and soft whisper that barely sliced the silence in half, but still firm enough to be heard.
" You're safe. We're at Juntae's place, it's just the four of us. "

Sieun's stuttering breaths kept echoing across the room, his hand subtly twitching as though it was looking for something, someone.

Can I touch your hand?, Humin thought in his head, chanted the familiar affirmations and instructions as if they were a song he would never forget.

"Can I touch your hand?", Hyuntak inevitably asked, his palm hovering above the other's and not daring to approach further before he was given a short nod.

Only then he allowed himself to take hold of the trembling hand and, in a slow and careful pace, bring it against his own chest, holding it there as if it was made of glass.

And Humin was frozen in place, observing as Sieun's soft features blurred into his own, as his friend became a more shattered mirror of his panic and guilt.
It felt like an out of body experience, like he was watching himself from the corner of the room.

In for five, out for eight, he thought.

" Follow my lead, in for five, out for eight.", Hyuntak repeated out loud and Humin found himself following the instructions, as though he was programmed to calm down with the familiar mantra.

He couldn't even flinch back when Hyuntak's free hand snaked towards his, when fingers clutched his and squeezed, effortlessly acknowledging his distress while still not shifting his attention away from the other boy.

Hyuntak breathed deeply, pointily puffing his chest and emptying his lungs more than he needed to. He held the boy's hand and kept his eyes open, sharp gaze observing and waiting for the moment Sieun's choppy breaths eased and the violent twitching of his shoulders became a subtle tremble.

It's not your fault.

" It's not your fault.", Hyuntak's voice followed, determined and honest to his core as his grip on the other's hand tightened.

I'm right here, was the one that usually followed, but Hyuntak's lips merely closed shut and his eyes widened in uncertainty for the first time.
His own shoulders tensed out of the blue, as if the long familiar book he had written had one of its pages violently ripped off.

Humin's confusion faded away almost as quickly as it had arrived.

I'm right here. It was something Humin needed to hear from him, something that was reassuring, not a harsh reminder.

Hyuntak was here. Not Suho.

"It's not your fault.", he repeated instead, his previously steady voice cracking slightly towards the end.

Sieun looked up for the first time, finally looked at the other's face through his blurry vision.

Red and blue melted together and a deep part of his mind knew very well which would end up being correct.

Still, he wanted to call out to him, to let that familiar name slither from his tongue like bittersweet poison.
But he knew. Even between the haze of dreams and reality, he knew it wasn't him.

" Sorry.", he mumbled, hoarse and exhausted, wearing a long familiar frown drowning in nothing but raw guilt as he pulled his hand back and out of the other's grip.

And Hyuntak couldn't tell whether he was apologising for the panic he had caused or for the painfully familiar guilt, but he chose to offer a reassuring smile eitherway.

" It's okay.", was his reply,
" You're okay.", he then corrected, but the boy proceeded to merely look the other way.

" I should go.", muttered Sieun under his breath and ducked his head in shame when Hyuntak reeled back.

" You don't have to talk about it.", Juntae rushed to say, quiet, soft,
" Just stay."

" I have to go. "
Panic had made its way back in his voice, making him sound fragile, alert. Overwhelmed in a way Hyuntak knew well enough he couldn't quite process.

" You're in no state to walk the streets alone at this hour.", Humin found himself speaking, his hand instinctively landing on the boy's shoulder.
The gesture wasn't enough to make him stop packing his things in a crazed hurry, so Humin got up too, snapped out of whatever trance he had been in and mimicked the other's actions.

All four of them were out the door within the next five minutes, the three just a few steps behind, following Sieun in a quiet haze.

A questioning sound escaped Juntae's lips when Sieun ignored the turn to his house and kept going until he reached a small bus stop.

" Go home. I'll be okay.", he deadpaned as soon as he felt someone sit right next to him on the bench, his monotone voice sounding so forced that it almost brought him to shame.

" I could use a late night ride.", muttered Hyuntak with his usual faux indifference and Juntae was quick to offer an affirmative hum

Sieun merely eyed them one by one, tired eyes scanning the three of them in what could only be described as disbelief and subtle gratitude.
He said nothing as Humin took a seat on his left, or when Hyuntak stayed a few feet to the front glancing at the road.

The ride was quiet, the bus nearly empty as the town was just now barely waking up.
Juntae stole glances at all three of them, curious and empathetic eyes picking out the signs of distress off of each and trying to come up with anything that would help their odd predicament.

Sieun felt distant, despite standing right next to him. He looked tense, overwhelmed by his own senses, his gaze glued outside the window and watching but not seeing anything in particular, as though he wanted to crawl out of the vehicle and outrun it.

Hyuntak's gaze, on the other hand, was on the ground, holding a similar effect as Sieun's. He was clutching the seat in front of him, biting his lips while he drowned in thoughts that Juntae couldn't guess even if he really tried.

And Humin was looking at the boy on his right, aiming his concern and what appeared to be pure awe to Hyuntak's hunched figure so discreetly, as if he knew that if Hyuntak were to see it he'd likely curse him out.

They all looked tortured in a form Juntae had never seen before, their pain joined in ways that shouldn't be possible or fair.

" We'll wait right here.", he suggested as soon as they arrived at the hospital and all Sieun could offer was a subtle nod before he disappeared in the long corridors with no hesitation.

When Juntae stopped looking at the empty hallway he turned around just in time to see Hyuntak offering his hand to the other.

They both looked unsure, drowning in something that couldn't be described in words.
An unspoken question bounced between them, made the air thick with sorrow.

Juntae almost felt as if he couldn't approach them, as if there was a barrier that kept them trapped in their own pained world, until Humin glanced at him, offered an easygoing smile and beckoned to sit next to him.

" You okay?", he wondered, his shoulders dropping in relief when Juntae simply nodded.
" You look so lost.", he then teased softly.

" I kind of am.", Juntae uttered back, but shook his head as soon as Humin attempted to open his lips, unwilling to listen to neither an unneeded apology or an explanation.
" I think I get it.", he cut him off with a knowing and tight smile.
" The general picture of it, at least."
It was empathy rather than pity that was swimming in his voice, an understanding reassurance, an unspoken apology within his eyes that spelled I wish I could help, but I know I can't.

A hand was buried in his hair before he could start getting lost in his thoughts and remorse too much.

Merely minutes later footsteps split the silence in half and all three of them stood up almost on cue as soon as Sieun appeared from the end of the corridor.
Still hunched in on himself, still distant.

" Sieun-ah.", Juntae called hesitantly,
" Are you okay?"

The latter kept his gaze towards the ground as he nodded.

And it had been a long while since tense silence such as this had fallen over this particular group's head.
It followed them from one bus stop to the other, threatened to stay until they'd see each other again at school in just a few hours.

Unexpectedly, Sieun was the one who broke it, with nothing but a futile apology he couldn't hold back anymore.

" Sorry for the-" he stopped.
For the panic he caused, or the sleep he had deprived them of? For letting them see this side of him, or letting his fear and guilt get tangled up with the overwhelming endearment and trying to run away from them again?

What was he sorry for, or rather, what wasn't he sorry for?

" The emotions? It's okay, we knew you had them somewhere in you. ", Hyuntak interrupted at once with a hesitant and forced smirk.
He didn't want to know what Sieun was apologising for, didn't need to have any more guilt aimed at him, and Sieun saw right through it and simply nodded in acknowledgment.

It was a small setback, that's what Sieun thought at first.
He knew well enough there would be plenty of those, he should've expected it, should've been more prepared for it, for the redeeming feeling of endearment to start feeling overwhelming and suffocating again.

The progress hadn't been ruined entirely, but it felt like the universe desperately wanted it to.
A cruel punishment for things he was supposed to believe he wasn't at fault for.

At first it was only mental, familiar in a way he had forced himself to get used to years ago.

Then the universe delivered the final blow in the form of a stray punch Sieun wasn't quick enough to dodge.

He wasn't sure how the fight had broken out, how he had ended up on the ground with his wrist aching horribly.
Realistically he knew he should recognise the angry faces in front of him, should know why he was attacked randomly on his way home, but at that moment all he could focus on was the familiar pain of a fight he hadn't felt in months.

The white uniforms with black accents should've been a dead giveaway, should've explained the gut wrenching dread he had felt, the spurt of short-lived adrenaline, or the way his mind had become flooded with the past a lot more than he usually allowed it to.

The kicks that followed only brought back more memories, much older than he'd like, but reality only crashed down on him the moment he heard a pair of familiar voices, voices that didn't quite belong in the time of the memories replaying in his head.

" Everyone freeze.", a booming voice said, loud and shameless with a hint of controlled rage, just enough for it to noticeable among his usual playful attitude.

And if Sieun had managed to crawl back to the present, the voice that followed sent him flying back to the buried memory.

"You look too old to be acting like beating someone up is an accomplishment.", calm, but audibly annoyed and uncaring if anger was the most noticeable trait of his tone.

The mannerisms, the odd charm of smuggness and indifference. It all made Sieun freeze and go completely pliant as a pair of arms hurriedly helped him sit up.

"Are you alright?", a shaky and fragile voice melted into a deeper one, though still fragile and unsure.
A taller figure with the same innocent, framed eyes stood in Juntae's place.

Sieun only realised that he had yet to provide an answer when Humin spoke, this time addressing them rather than the familiar and now distant figures.
"Are you both okay? "

He received a nod from Juntae, who was staring right back at Sieun with nothing but concern.

" What was their deal?"

" I don't know. They ran into us and just freaked out.", mumbled Juntae apologetically while wiping away the blood from his lips.

" Yeon Sieun. ", called Hyuntak when his offering hand had yet to be acknowledged.

" I'm fine.", Sieun managed, his eyes flickering between the hand in front of him and the ground before hesitantly taking hold of it.
Like an instinct, a familiar action that was meant to be repeated.

" Ah, that looks bad, let me see. ", Hyuntak winced the moment he noticed the other clutching his aching wrist againt his chest.
" It might be sprained. Did you land on it?", he added after gently taking hold of it.

" It's fine. ", Sieun pulled it back, but not with enough force to entirely break the contact.
It burnt. He could feel it sizzling, as though the boy's hand was on fire and was set on leaving familiar scars on his skin.

" It isn't.", Hyuntak scoffed as he tried to take a closer look,
" Let me see.", he insisted and slightly froze in a very late realisation when the other's grip suddenly became painful, when his watering eyes were finally aimed at him with their achingly familiar and gutwrenching sorrow.

Hyuntak didn't have enough time to pull back.

" I said I'm fine, Suho.", Sieun snapped, his voice louder than it had been in years, as he violently yanked his hand away from the burning yet yearning touch.

A name that sounded bitter, unfamiliar, and still, it was everything Sieun knew.

A name that didn't belong to any of the three boys around him and certainly not to the one who had flinched away from him and was wearing a look of pure despair and remorse along with his widened eyes.

The realisation was painful, it made Hyuntak's presence feel suffocating, made Juntae's innocence appear menacing and forced.

The metallic taste in his mouth suddenly overwhelmed him, his hand ached in an entirely different way than it was supposed to, as though it remembered the pain of being stepped on harshly.

Hyuntak took a step back, glanced somewhere to his left, a look that screamed helplessness, a wordless plead to be saved, and like an instinct, Humin appeared in front of Sieun with a saddened smile.

" Come on. ", he nodded at him, the hand that would normally not hesitate to wrap around Sieun's shoulder or ruffle his hair playfully was suddenly stiff by his side.

Sieun only felt a gentle touch on his back, something that was there to merely lead him away from the looks of remorse he had caused.

Not a single word was uttered as they made their way to Humin's house, not a single question about who the hell had attacked him and Juntae so seemingly unprovoked.
As though it didn't matter to Humin, as though his only goal at that moment was to wipe the blood and panic off of Sieun.

" They were from my old school.", Sieun opted to elaborate anyway, felt obligated to give answers as to why this has happened, to explain that he wasn't the real victim in this situation.
" The ones that-" tried to kill Suho.
" The ones I-" brutally injured and hospitalised.

Words had never been easy for him, why would they suddenly be now when it truly mattered?

" You don't have to explain anything.", Humin cut his thoughts off effortlessly, sounding understanding rather than disinterested as he gently wiped off the trail of blood off of the other's cheek.
" I just need you to calm down for now.", he added when he realised that his hand had yet to be pushed away, that he had yet to hear complaints about how the other boy could do it on his own.

" I am calm. ", came the monotone reply, a practised thing that could fool anyone, but the mirrored version of him.

He looked distant, still stuck in the past, in whatever time the events of the last hour had sent him at.

Humin rolled his eyes with a sigh.
" Can I take a look at that? ", he wondered while pointily looking at the other's hand.

" Does it actually get better? ", Sieun heard himself asking, entirely dismissing the concern aimed at him, as if the question had accidentally escaped from his lips before he could refuse.
" The guilt.", he offered, this time a lot more quiet, hesitant.

And he watched as the other's gaze fell, as his sorrowful eyes glimmered with something that definitely shouldn't be there, but looked like it belonged there, like it had placed its roots within the hazel brown of his pupils and refused to budge away.

" It does.", was the initial reply, honest in a way that had Sieun reeling back slightly, as though he had expected a negative reply, something that would be enough to crush his hopes away.
" Not on its own though.", Humin then added, a rueful and stern statement that brought fondness among the undeciphered chaos in his eyes.

And Sieun yearned to have that look plastered back into his own eyes, to feel worthy of feeling relieved.

Hyuntak had looked so certain when he nearly cried out that he had never blamed Humin.
Would Suho look the same?
And if so, would Sieun deserve it just the same?

The thought alone of the name made his heart drop slightly at the reminder

" I didn't mean to call him that. ", he mumbled, his usually dull voice trying to sound apologetic as best as it could.
"I'm not trying to see him. It just happens."

Because Hyuntak didn't deserve to live as the shadow of someone else, of someone he didn't even know.
Because Hyuntak had looked so broken and helpless when he had stepped away from Sieun.

Humin merely smiled sadly at first.
"He knows.", he said eventually, unable to entirely hide the concern from the two hesitant words.

Because Hyuntak knows. Of course he does.
Of course he understands.

He understands, but for the next couple of days he hadn't joined them for lunch.
He understands, but his eyes were filled to the brim with guilt whenever he so much as thought about the other boy.

The roles had reversed, but they were back to square one, to guilt and avoidance, or maybe even further back.

" Whatever you're thinking about, tell me.", Humin spoke out of the blue when things had remained the same almost a week later.

A questioning hum sounded from the boy laid on his chest, the one who had stumbled in his house in the middle of the night and hadn't gotten a word out, seemingly set on faceplanting on his bed and fiddling with Humin's hoodie strings until he fell asleep.

" It's the fourth time you've sighed in the last hour.", he tried to sound stern, maybe even a bit playful, but his voice refused to obey and replace his signature gentleness.
" Is it about Sieun?", a rhetorical question, if Humin were to judge by the fact that Hyuntak's demeanor had changed from the moment Sieun had reeled back from him.

A fifth sigh followed.

" He asked me if you're doing okay.", Humin began when he realised that the answer wasn't gonna be verbal.

" And what did you tell him?", wondered Hyuntak, his hoarse voice filling Humin's ears for the first time since he had set foot in his house hours ago.

" The truth."

" Which is?"

" Nope."

" Ah, that's gonna make him feel so much better.", came the muffled retort, sarcasm dripping off of every word along with exhaustion.

" Hey, you both feel horrible. Lying to him and pretending like you don't have feelings isn't gonna fix anything.", spoke Humin, voice melodic and soft but still stern.

Hyuntak felt an arm curl around him, pulling him off of the pillow and into a familiar embrace.
It was almost hypnotising, the way the warmth lured him in and effortlessly drew confessions out of him.

" I don't know how to help him. ", a simple and slurred response to the initial question, quiet, as though he was admitting defeat.
His fist was clutched shut, just enough for his nails to leave small crescents on his palm, as though the subtle pain could distract him from the familiar remorse.

His mind was stuck replaying that moment, the look of pure despair that had been painted on Sieun's face as soon as the name had escaped his lips.
It had felt like the final drop of water that drowned him, the last note of a song he had been stuck listening to for ages.

" We are helping him.", said Humin while his hand brought the other's on top of his chest and gently pried his fingers open.
" You and I both know for a fact that it doesn't get better just like that.", he began brushing over the small, cruel indents on the inside of Hyuntak's palm, trying to soothe them away with tenderness.

" It still doesn't feel fair.", was Hyuntak's reply, quiet and uncharacteristically hesitant.

" What doesn't?", wondered Humin, his tone almost afraid of the answer.

That I'm okay while Suho isn't.

Hyuntak didn't dare to say it out loud, he almost felt ashamed for even thinking it.

No amount of survivor's guilt would be able to battle the guilt he'd feel if he ever were to leave Humin alone.

But what about the guilt Sieun had been doomed with for the past years? What about the one Suho would feel as soon as he wakes up and realises how much he had unwillingly aided in breaking his other half?

If maybe they could briefly switch places for a few moments, just so that Sieun could hear his voice, could hear the reassurances he actually needed.

Or if Hyuntak could finally stop being a constant, painful reminder, could pull away and build back their initial distance just to bring Sieun some peace of mind.

The grip on his hand and around his waist tightened.

"Stop it.", Humin scolded warily, as if he had heard every single thought and doubt that had passed through Hyuntak's mind.

Hyuntak felt the way the other had gone stiff and frozen and merely offered an other sigh against his neck.
" Sorry. I'm just frustrated.", he opted to say, an understatement that Humin chose to not call him out for.
Instead he urged him forward with a firm squeeze of his hand.

" I should've seen the signs and stepped back.", a huff followed, a cruel and dark sound that spelled defeat letter by letter,
" Now it feels like I've ruined whatever progress he had managed to make.", a fragile thing, too weak to even hold up on its own against the irritation and disappointment.

" Don't be stupid. ", Humin interjected at once, a familiar reassurance to match the familiar tone of this conversation, a mirroring image of an uncertain Go Hyuntak wondering if one of his best friends secretly hated him.

" You didn't see the way he looked at me.", was the quiet reply, shameful to its core and layered with anger directed at no one but himself.

It hadn't been that same guilty look Hyuntak would receive whenever he accidentally brought back memories of someone he hadn't even met.
It had been broken, wrecked seemingly beyond repair and overspilling with so much sorrow and despair that Hyuntak was convinced the dark brown of Sieun's eyes would break apart and make way for a dull, empty gray.

It hadn't been resentment, but Hyuntak had never felt so unwelcome and out of place before, as if he had somehow stumbled upon a time and place that he wasn't meant to even exist in.
It had been a devastated and desperate stranger looking at him as if he was meant to know him, both body and soul.

There had been no reflections, no mirrored paths, no blue fading into red. Just Yeon Sieun searching through Go Hyuntak's face and soul for a hue he knew he wouldn't find.

And when he realised it, he had managed to break even more. An unspoken What are you doing here? had rang between them before Sieun fully realised that the only one out of place was the one whose name he had called.

Hyuntak thought he had helped, that he had been helping.

He had gotten his answers, Sieun was starting to be more open with him and since then they had both made effort to understand each other, to not be hurt just by the thought of each other.
He wanted to help, not make things harder.

Hyuntak had never been forced to just sit back and watch the pain unfold. He was always given the chance to notice patterns, to help freely, to step in with those both bold and subtle ways of his and bring some ease to those around him.
Not the opposite.

And as if to prove a point of his own, Hyuntak felt Humin relax impossibly against their embrace.

“ I didn’t, no.”, he breathed out, pulled the other even closer to him and breathed deeply against his hair.
“ But I did see the way he leaned on you the other night, or the way he’s been quietly searching for you these past days.”, he added with certainty, his smile only widening when Hyuntak looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, scanned his face for any sign of dishonesty.
When he found none, he offered yet an other sigh to join the rest, this one holding an ounce of relief to it, and let his head fall on the other’s chest.

“It was just a bad moment. He regrets it as much as you do.”, Humin finished, tender and relieved as he felt the other relax more against his chest.
“ You’ve been trying to wipe off guilt from everyone, but you’re filled to the brim with it, you hypocritical idiot.”, Hyuntak heard a saddened voice mumble, blurring in with his exhaustion before he allowed himself to slip into unconsciousness.

The next day he felt out of place when he didn’t bother to move rapidly through the halls in fear of stumbling upon the other boy.
He swore to himself that he’d look for him after school, that they’d talk openly just like they had promised they would.

Though Sieun was born to be unpredictable.

“ Go Hyuntak.”, his name was called as soon as he sat down at his desk, just minutes before class could begin.

The latter hummed, tried to pretend like his shoulders hadn’t tensed at the sound of his name alone, at the person who had uttered it so uncharacteristically gently as though it was a sacred word.

Sieun merely looked at him for a few moments, expressive eyes openly spelling out things he couldn’t say out loud, by now knowing well enough that Hyuntak would be able to effortlessly translate them.

There wasn’t an apology among them. Instead they offered a simple I know it’s you. I know who you are.

And then he nodded, turned his attention back to his textbook with practised ease and left the other staring.

Hyuntak huffed in disbelief.
“Fucking weirdo.”, he found himself mumbling with a grin, his eyes widening slightly when the two simple words seemed to have made Sieun’s shoulders tense slightly.

And just as Hyuntak felt his heart drop just as he started preparing himself to be faced with that familiar, broken look, the corner of Sieun’s lips tugged upwards.
A barely noticeable smile, simultaneously fond and wistful.

The bell rang and Hyuntak’s name followed swiftly.

He lifted his head out of his arms, wiped away the remnants of his short nap and gave his full attention to the boy standing over his desk.

The apologetic look in his eyes said it all, but the way Hyuntak’s eyebrows furrowed in preparation seemed to have said enough as well, because Sieun snapped his lips shut right before the words that had been haunting Hyuntak for years could escape.

“I still don’t hate you.”, he said instead and watched as the other processed the implications he left behind, as the reminder of their past conversation brought back the promise Hyuntak had shamelessly made.

I’ll be with you until you actually start to hate me.

It was a confession, an admission that Sieun wanted him by his side, expressed in a way that screamed Yeon Sieun.

Hyuntak tilted his head, didn’t even try to hold back a smirk from blooming slowly.
“ Seems like I’m not trying hard enough then.”, he teased as soon as he stood up and casually nudged the other’s shoulder gently.

And if he noticed Sieun pointlessly calling his and Juntae’s name more and more often, he didn’t say a thing.

It became a habit, a playful yet meaningful thing.
Just a simple call of each other’s names in lue of a greeting, a reminder that neither Hyuntak or Juntae had ever been a replacement, or a cruel memory, that they deserved much more.

The distance was wiped away, a lot quicker than the first time.
It hadn’t been perfect, but the unsaid apologies from both sides were loud and clear.

“ What should we do today?”, Hyuntak found himself asking while they made their way to the bus stop after school, his arms thrown over his head carelessly as he tried to get rid of the remnants of sleep the last class had left him with.

“ It’s Friday. Sieunie has to go soon.”, Humin commented casually, without an ounce of the playful offensive tone he tended to use whenever one member of the group skipped their hangouts.
Juntae’s cram school and Hyuntak’s random errands were the ones he’d always aim it at. Sieun and his weekly hospital visits had an obvious pass.

“Ah, true.”

“ Text when you get home. “, retorted Juntae with a soft smile and a gentle pat against Sieun’s shoulder before the three made an attempt to split ways from him.

“ Do you want to come along?”, came a monotone question. Simple, but it still made their steps come to an abrupt halt.
It felt forced, not becausee it wasn’t genuine, but purely due to the way he tried so hard to sound unbothered, casual and nonchalant, as thought this wasn’t an invitation to the most important chapter of his life.

Three pairs of eyes met Sieun’s, stared at him in awe from just a few feet away as if he had suggested something obscure.

“ You don’t have to. “, he finally waved it all off, his pupils shaking as he turned around and started walking.
The hurried, mirrored footsteps behind him shouldn’t have been a surprise, but Sieun still tensed against the arm around his shoulder.

Humin didn’t hesitate to snatch Juntae on his other side and drag them both towards the bus station, his grin so wide that Sieun couldn’t look at it for too long without feeling the need to mirror a nervous and awkward variation of it right back.

It was all so casual, normal, if one didn’t acount for the horribly suppressed smiles the three of them wore, the soft and grateful looks shot his way whenever they thought he wasn’t looking.

His knees felt weak as they got on the bus, as the realisation of what he had suggested really struck him.

They could see what he had caused and suddenly realise who he really is.
They could see him sitting outside of a hospital room and typing manically on his phone and figure out how pathetic he really is.

His thoughts were mercifully brought to a halt by a familiar voice, as if on cue, as if an unspoken agreement had been made without him knowing.

“ Jun-ah, how’d you do on that science test you’ve been stressing your little brain out over this past week?”, Hyuntak spoke out of the blue, his eyes lingering on Sieun for a few moments longer, despite addressing the other boy.

Juntae merely winced in response.

“ You screwed up?”, he wondered with a raised eyebrow.

“ Worse.”, the other huffed.

“ You fucked up?”

“ Entirely.”, Juntae sighed and immediately moved to smack Hyuntak’s arm when his reply was to snicker shamelessly.

Sieun watched silently as Humin reached forward and placed a hand on Juntae’s shoulder.
“ I’ll tutor you, don’t worry.”, he said with a solemn type of determination that made Hyuntak’s snickering turn into high pitched, careless laughter and brought a chuckle out of Juntae.

“ You’ll flunk together, how touching.”, Hyuntak said eventually, smug and faux amused.

“ Didn’t you also fuck up on that exact same test? “, Juntae smirked right back and it was time for Humin’s laugh to echo across the bus.

“ First of all, watch the fucking language.”, came the immediate reply, the tone playfully offended and distasteful as he reached forward to flick a laughing Juntae’s arm.
“ Second of all, it’s entirely Baku’s fault.”, he shrugged casually.

“ Is it now?”, grinned Humin, his chin falling on the other’s shoulder and staying rooted there even when Hyuntak tried to shrug him off.

Hyuntak then hummed with certainty.
“ You’ve been hanging around me too much. Your 99IQ must be rubbing off on me.”, he teased easily, let the familiar banter fall into place and watched subtly as Sieun’s nails gradually stopped digging into his sleeve.

“ You can just admit that you’re a dumbass too, you know.”, Humin sang playfully, but only received a harsh nudge against his ribs.

“ Mondays and Wednesdays at my place after school.”, Sieun’s voice interrupted their blooming bickering and made them all turn to face him curiously.
“ It’s an important class. You shouldn’t fail.”, he added, suddenly hesitant as three pairs of widened eyes blinked almost simultaneously at him.

“ I’ll build you a shrine if you manage to help me get a decent grade in science.”, murmured Juntae in pure disbelief, his entire face glowing in awe, even as the other rolled his eyes in response.

“That’s the privilege of having only three out of four dumbasses in one group.”, Humin then smirked while getting up and offering his hand at Sieun.

It was only then that Sieun realised they were almost at the hospital, that his knees had long stopped feeling weak and his brain had calmed down just enough for his breathing to be normal.
And it was only then the the pieces fell into place.

Maybe he had gotten worse at hiding it, or maybe they had simply gotten better at reading him, he thought as he noticed the relieved and knowing smiles he was offered, as if they had succeeded an unspoken challenge.

An arm was around his shoulders once again before he could really let his mind daunt him too much, Humin pulling him along gently, urging him to not question anything and just step forward.
It only slithered away when he stopped walking, when he reached the hauntingly familiar door and merely stared at it.

“ Do you want us to come in?”, Humin wondered, suddenly so uncharacteristically hesitant that it was borderline endearing.

The three of them were looking anywhere but at the small window on the closed door, almost as if they were waiting for permission before taking a glimpse at such an important part of Sieun’s life.

“ I never go in the room.”, Sieun waved him off simply, his eyebrows only furrowing in shame after the words had left his mouth, as though the realisation had just then struck him.

“ They don’t let you?” was Humin’s panicked reply, but his full of despair eyes got even darker when Sieun shook his head firmly.

“ I just don’t.” I shouldn’t.

A questioning noise escaped Juntae while Hyuntak’s lips pursed in a thin line, his closed eyelids shaking with the effort to hold himself back, to not risk crossing any lines again

In the end, he didn’t manage to.

“ Sieunie. “, he breathed the name out, looked at him with that same exact understanding frown that once had Sieun reeling back in panic of being seen.
“ Don’t do this to yourself.”, his hand had found its way on Sieun’s arm before he even realised that he had stepped forward.
“ Let him see you. I’m sure he has missed you.”, a gentle statement accompanied by the softest smile Hyuntak could muster to place against his sorrowful expression.

Once again, he spoke with pure certainty, as if he shared a mind and thoughts with a boy he had never even met.

Sieun suddenly looked like the kid he was, unsure and afraid with a tensed jaw and trembling hands.
His gaze flickered between each of them, watery eyes silently asking for permission, for approval that they didn’t hesitate to give him.

Hyuntak’s hold stayed on his arm like an anchor, Juntae’s eyes glowed with encouragement, Humin nodded his head towards the door and Sieun swore his chest felt lighter than it ever had.
It burned with the urge to just trust them, to believe that Hyuntak was right, that Suho would want to see him, that he’d forgive him.

And maybe he was weak for it, but he gave in.

“We’ll be right here. Take your time.”, Juntae’s gentle voice filled his ears before the door closed shut behind him, drowning out the prominent sound of the heart monitor for a moment longer.

His signature emotionless face was accompanied by wet eyelashes when he returned just over an hour later, but his chest felt just a bit fuller, less dull.
Hopeful.

It became a regular occurrence, a part of their weekly routine that didn’t need words to be scheduled.
Sieun would merely feel Humin’s arm wrap around his shoulder and wouldn’t remove it until they were in the bus, or until the familiar door was closed shut behind him and he was left alone with the figure of the person who held his soul within his cold, unmoving fingers.

Looking at him, even from a distance, hurt, but Sieun had been hurt in so many different ways before and none of them had ever felt as welcoming as this one.
His heart was burning, it was set ablaze by guilt, by memories he knew he would never forget, but at least it was being kept warm. Alive.

“ Suho-yah.”, his voice would sound, shaky against the steady silence and white noise, the name no longer foreign against his tongue, no longer just a word he’d type out on his phone.
“ I’m sorry for staying away for so long.”

Then hours later he’d meet the three tender pairs of eyes again, he’d see the pride and tenderness they’d never bother to hide away, and then let the familiar banter muffle his thoughts as they rode back home.

Nothing changed, nothing really needed to change, until one day Sieun’s hand suddenly froze against the door knob, his fingers clutching the familiar key card harder than they should.

“ You can come in.”, he spoke, quiet but certain.

A pin dropping would sound like an explosion against the sudden silence that fell among them.

Hyuntak opted to break it, to not let the other’s hands tremble in anticipation any longer.
“ Are you sure? “, he wondered, soft in a way he had recently found he had reserved for Yeon Sieun alone.

“I trust you with him.”, a fragile statement, but not dishonest in the slightest.

I trust you to see this side of me.

Hours passed and Sieun would gladly blame the others’ presence for the fact that the room didn’t feel the slightest bit overwhelming, for the fact that he didn’t feel ashamed to lay his head on the edge of the mattress for the first time ever, to approach the boy without the fear of hurting him more.

He stared, close enough to see exactly how much Suho’s once full cheeks had sunk, exactly how long his hair had gotten and how beautifully it framed his face.

For the first time ever, he reached forward, his finger just barely brushing over the boy’s cheek, around the cruel mask that hid half of his face away behind his fogging breath.
A once determined and full of colour face, now an unmoving, porcelain doll strapped behind unconsciousness.

And still, Sieun felt a small, tearful smile forming on his lips.

You’ll come back to me, right?, he thought.

The sudden optimism should’ve surprised him, but the footsteps behind him and the jacket that was subtly thrown over his shoulders were enough of an explanation as to where it had come from.

A wet patch had long grown on the thin blanket beneath him before a palm gently brushed over his back.

“Sieunie.”, whispered a familiar voice laced with gentleness and Sieun opened his eyes and turned around to look into the mirror standing in front of him, to see the reflection of the boy he had been holding for the past few hours.

Hyuntak didn’t falter, the vibrant blue of his soul persisted, but it was just as comforting as the unmoving red.

“ Let’s get you on your own bed.”, he chose to say eventually.

On your own bed.
Not home, as though he knew it’d make no sense to claim to take him home and take him away from the occupied hospital bed.
As though he knew well enough that this word and title was sacred and precious when it was given to the correct people.

Sieun didn’t bother to reply, but he did stand up, stole a last glimpse at Suho and then turned around.

Juntae’s jacket was on his shoulders and Humin’s hand was clutched within Hyuntak’s, the four of them exchanging comfort shamelessly, naturally.

Out of all of them, Humin appeared to be the most shaken up and Sieun wouldn’t dare to pretend that he didn’t understand why, that he couldn’t read his mind and decipher where his sorrow was rooted in.

He looked at the unmoving figure on the bed as if he knew the boy, as if he had spent his entire life with him and was suddenly struck with the unfortunate reality he had met.

In response, Hyuntak was clutching his hand, his thumb tenderly drawing shapes against his skin, spelling out reminders and reassurances that he couldn’t voice out loud at that moment.

The door was shut behind them and like an instinct, Sieun moved and stood at Humin’s empty side, their shoulders barely touching as they walked.
When a few steps later Humin’s hand was still stiff by his side, Sieun nudged it gently, laid out an awkward request he would’ve never imagined himself making, nor would he ever admit to.

Humin huffed, a surprised and soft thing, before bringing his arm up and wrapping it around Sieun’s shoulders.

It seemed to immediately bring him some ease, enough for his signature smile to light up his face.

“ He’s quite a handsome one. “, he commented out of the blue, playful and casual in a way that effortlessly brought mirroring ease into Sieun’s features.

Normalcy. That’s all he needed.

“ Baku.”, Hyuntak rushed to scold him, panic etching into his festures before he heard Sieun’s huff.

The smile that was threatening to bloom on his lips seemed to fuel Humin even more.
“ What? I know a charming man when I see one.”, he went on to say, his grin brightening when Juntae’s muffled laugh and Hyuntak’s scoff filled his ears.
“ Laugh all you want. Me and him will be an unstoppable duo one day, just you wait.”

“ Bet you’ll both be amazing at getting on our nerves.”, Hyuntak groaned, his eyes helplessly betraying tenderness among the annoyance he tried to portray.

A faux offended and sharp gasp sounded.
“ Sieun-ah.”, Humin whined, but all of his playful complaints were brought to a halt by the distant yet glistening eyes of the other.

“ You absolutely will. “, said Sieun firmly, his attempt at sounding nonchalant being thrown out of the window from the way his tearful eyes were creasing up at the thought alone.

He would fit right In.

He will fit right in, he corrected his own mind and his smile widened a bit, just enough for his cheeks to feel awkwardly tense at the uncharted action.

“ You’re all just jealous. “, grumbled Humin as he pointily looked away from them.

“I didn’t say anything. “, Juntae raised his palms up in surrender, letting an other giggle escape his lips when Humin merely huffed in fake betrayal.

“You didn’t defend me either.”

“ Do you guys wanna come to my place for the night?”, Hyuntak interjected the blooming bickering, not entirely interested in seeing where it would go.

“Let’s spend the weekend together.”, Humin rushed to add to the suggestion.

Juntae hummed in approval, his eyes brightening even more when Sieun mumbled a quiet " Sure." with no hesitation.

Sieun doubted he’d be able to sleep anywhere, not even at his own house, but the company would be nice.

Everything came almost naturally to them. The four pairs of discarded shoes looked like they all belonged right there, their backpacks stacked at the corner of the living room and their jackets pilling on Hyuntak’s desk chair.
It all fell into place, comforting in ways Sieun had never believed he would ever achieve, had never believed he deserved to achieve.

“Take the bed.”, Hyuntak nodded at him as he threw a folded blanket right on his face and snickered at the scoff the action received.

Before he could reject the offer, Humin had already plopped on the futon next to the bed, his arms spread open and his head thrown back in a tired grunt.

“ Leave space for Juntae, dumbass.”, muttered Hyuntak, not an ounce of real annoyance in his voice as he sat in the middle and pushed the other to the side.

Sieun laid on the bed, closed his eyes and let the emotional exhaustion and subtle rustling make his limbs relax against the mattress.

Sleep wouldn’t find him, he knew that already, but he strangely didn’t mind.

His heart had a piece of it missing, but it no longer felt hollow. His finger still felt tingly, the touch against the cold skin of the other boy lingering so painfully and soft.

It had been the first time in almost three years that he had left the hospital with an emotion so hauntingly beautiful filling his chest, with an ache so sweet, so yearning. With hope.

As suddenly as the realisation had hit him, before he could really appreciate the change, it threatened to become bitter, as though his mind couldn’t deal with the sudden positivity, as though he was programmed by the universe to drown in guilt everyday until there was nothing left of him.

Because Suho had been stuck waiting and all Sieun could muster after all this time was a hopeful glint of optimism that could flicker away with the smallest setback.
Because Sieun had needed to doom Suho first in order to navigate his own feelings.

As if on cue with his thoughts, whispers suddenly filled his ears, panicked breathing, a short unintelligible conversation and then a by then familiar affirmation

“ It wasn’t your fault.”

Sieun’s eyes snapped open and turned to face the source, despite knowing who he’ll see, despite knowing it wasn’t quite aimed at him.

The sight of Humin curled against Hyuntak’s chest should’ve made him look away at once, should’ve been his sign to offer privacy.
But the way Hyuntak held him as if he was something precious, the way his hands framed the back of his head and waist and kept him in place, was all too much in the most endearing way.

In return, Humin’s grip was gentle but firm, as though he was afraid that loosening it even a bit would give the universe the chance to snatch the other away from him.

“ I’m right here.”, was the only other sentence Sieun managed to catch as it was whispered against Humin’s hair, placed on his skin like a sacred promise.

Humin melted even more and Sieun wanted to follow along.
It wasn’t jealousy, wasn’t envy or bitterness. Just yearning. Pure and raw yearning for something he desperately wanted to believe he’d get to have one day.

He looked away the moment Hyuntak’s eyes opened, glimmering with tears as they got stuck staring at the ceiling for a few moments.
Sieun swore he felt them on him, but he didn’t dare look back to confirm it, still far too afraid of the overwhelming emotion that came with the endearment he’d be faced with.
He swore he heard the words repeat themselves in his mind, swore Hyuntak’s voice turned slightly deeper, distant and familiar in an entirely different way.

It wasn't your fault.

And if Humin could gradually start believing it, then who was Sieun to deny the reflecting closure?

None of it was brought up the next morning.
Sieun didn’t address the way Humin seemed to be staring at the other’s sleeping figure with endearment levels that should be impossible to feel and portray, and in return Hyuntak didn’t mention the small, wistful smile Sieun tried to hide away from them the moment he woke up.

Everything was effortlessly pushed to the side to make way for familiar bickering. A fond distraction, normalcy, as though their emotions didn’t have a place within the teenage banter.

“Gogo.”, Humin called, making sure to draw out the vowels, while they discarded their things on the bleachers,
“ You know, you can stop being grumpy anytime now. “, he slung an arm around Hyuntak’s shoulders, his head tilting on top of the other’s with a soft grin.

“ You made me take the morning bus on a Saturday, of course I’m gonna be salty about it.”, was Hyuntak’s response, sleep still not entirely wiped away from his raspy voice.
“ We could’ve just walked to school after breakfast. There’s a basketball field there too.”

“ This one is better and you know it.”, the other argued with no hesitation, but only received a huff.
“ Juntae is excited, see?”, he then pointed out the content smile that Juntae had on his lips more often than not,
“Sieun too.”

Hyuntak turned to look at the latter, squinted his eyes and then hummed absentmindedly.
“ He looks ecstatic.”, he deadpaned, sarcasm weaving into the words so effortlessly and drawing a soft chuckle from Juntae.

“ His eyebrow quirked up for a few seconds. It’s basically the same thing. “, retorted Humin, his hand casually finding its way on Sieun’s head and offering a by then familiar and welcome ruffle of his hair.

The action made his lips tug upwards, natural in a way he never thought he would ever get used to.

And right as he was about to bask in the casual comfort of the day in front of them, right as they stood up from the bleachers, Sieun’s phone rang and forced his smile to drop at the familiar number.

The hospital had only ever called him once before and the news he had received hadn’t lead to anything positive.

He mustered up a single word, just a greeting, before forcing himself to just sit there a listen to the friendly and unfamiliar voice.

“ What’s wrong?”, Juntae wondered quietly as they watched Sieun’s entire body freeze and his hands twitch.

He held the phone against his ear for a few seconds longer than necessary, the consistent beeping of a dead line echoing from the speaker as he brought it down.

“ Sieun? “, called Humin, his hand hovering over his arm worriedly when he noticed that the boy was holding his breath.

Sieun didn’t look at any of them as he spoke.
“ He’s awake. “

The words dropped like a boulder against the silence, they made tears pool on his eyelids as though he needed to say it himself in order to fully realise it.

He's awake, his mind screamed.
Suho is awake.

Everything stopped. The field around them suddenly felt simultaneously too big and too small.

For a moment he forgot that he wasn’t alone, forgot to even account for the others’ reactions.
All he could think about was the way his heart was threatening to combust, to burn entirely and leave its ashes to swirl around Sieun’s lungs.

A fist bumped against his shoulder gently, the first crack among the frozen silence.

“ Are you gonna keep him waiting any longer, you jerk?”, Hyuntak spoke, his tearful grin familiar in a way that at that moment hurt Sieun in such a beautiful way.

It was a rhetorical question, but Sieun felt himself shake his head anyway, felt his hand clutch his backpack and his numb feet shuffle on the pavement.

“The hospital is a few blocks away from here.”, he heard Juntae’s voice among their loud footsteps, but he was already running towards that direction as if he was drawn there.

With burning and dry lungs, they reached the hospital, they heard one of the nurses call out to Sieun and point to the gate that lead to the open yard.

The figure in the distance felt familiar, despite this being the second time they ever saw him, despite the fact that this was the very first time his eyes had met them.

Sharp eyes widened curiously at the sight before his features fell into an easygoing and impossibly fond smirk.

And Hyuntak couldn’t see Sieun’s eyes, but he knew well enough that they were glimmering in disbelief and adoration, pupils shaking with conflict as he tried to decide if he should approach him or not, if he deserved to.

Just as Hyuntak was about to step forward and help solve said conflict, Humin reached for the boy’s shoulder.

“ Go talk to him. “, he muttered, his smile becoming even more radiant and proud when Sieun took hesitant steps towards the waiting figure.

They watched from afar, unwilling to cross the invisible line, as though there was a barrier around the two boys that held everything and everyone else at a distance, untouchable as a reminder of what fate had once tried and failed to ruin.

And right as Sieun stepped closer, right as the muted blue of his soul began to swirl around the fierce red of the other’s, Hyuntak felt a hand grab his own, a shaky, gentle and firm hold that drew his attention away from the sight in front of him and to the boy standing by his side.

“ You’re right.”, mumbled Humin, the smile by then rooted deep into his face and brightening his youthful features more and more.
“ I’d wait for you.”, he elaborated shortly, loud and unashamed of the way his voice cracked around the confession.

Hyuntak felt tears finally gather on his eyelids before he spoke, certain and tender in all the right and familiar ways.
“ I know.”