Chapter Text
“I mean, I’m sure a lover or a boyfriend or what have you can kiss you like that, you know? Like in a totally non-brotherly hot way?”.
Tsukishima sighs. He’s down. Down bad. By that, he means his mood is bad and he’s down bad for Kuroo. Kuroo, who kissed him last night. It should have been amazing, but…
“Oh, give me a break, Yamaguchi, you don’t even believe it yourself! I’m telling you, my brother used to kiss me like that all the time when I was little. No way Kuroo meant it in a non-platonic way. He sees me as a baby. He called me kid”. Tsukishima is well aware that whining about it isn’t really helping his case, but he can’t help it.
“Oooookay, fine, maybe the kiss wasn’t all that steamy, but counterargument: he lent you his jacket because you were shivering. It’s just so romantic, you know”, Yamaguchi says dreamily. “And he walked you to your dorm, I mean, it’s very chivalrous. And hot”, he continues.
“Great, so you’re saying he’s treating me like some kind of damsel in distress?”, Tsukishima snarks.
“Or he’s treating you like a lil’ princess”, Yamaguchi giggles. Tsukishima frowns. He’s not sure whether that’s a good thing. But it does have an appealing quality, the idea of Kuroo pampering and spoiling him like a princess… Yeah, he could get into it. Wait. No. Get a hold of yourself, Tsukishima, you’re not the female main lead of a shojo manga.
“Whatever. I don’t have any chance with him anyway”, Tsukishima groans, kicking a pebble in front of him, as though it had insulted his mother.
“Do I have to yell at you again, so you’ll do something?”, Yamaguchi asks, his eyes drilling holes into his best friend. “Because I absolutely will”. Tsukishima has no doubt about that. Still, he shrugs.
“Maybe? I don’t know. It would feel a bit scripted now, though”, he remarks. Yamaguchi nods pensively. He has a point. Maybe he should have just kept it as a surprise; now the effect would indeed be ruined.
Throughout the day, Tsukishima tries to put everything behind him. No need to constantly obsess with Kuroo. His focus has to be on the games. The drills. Bettering himself as a player. And despite the increasing heat and his mind partially being somewhere else, he feels like he does a great job. He’s congratulated by the team, the coach, and Takeda, even Shimizu and Yachi, but it’s when Hinata openly tells him he won’t lose to him that he knows he’s changed. At least a little bit. It’s a shaky beginning, but it’s the start of something, at least.
There is a price to pay, however. After yet another exhausting, chaotic lunch, he notices that he slurs his words a bit. He mumbles more and more and eventually becomes unintelligible. While Tsukishima often has nonverbal episodes, most of the time, he wakes up like that. It’s a bit rarer when it happens more progressively. The team doesn’t notice it at first. Usually, he would make an effort to alert them in some way, but they’re in the gym, surrounded by a bunch of people he doesn’t know, and yes, he does feel too self-conscious. He’d like to say that he’s above that, that it’s lame to care about people might say, seeing him using Sign Language (or the flashcards when he was younger), but… Well, he is. And it sucks. He just doesn’t want to deal with the whispers, the looks. He doesn’t feel like communicating at all with anyone either way.
After they lose the match (because, of course, they do, although it’s not as bad as usual), they go running up and down that stupid hill. Tsukishima wonders if it’s because of the heat or his extra efforts that he’s been more tired lately. He’s been feeling faint a lot, his head sometimes spinning like he’s been in those crazy cups in amusement parks. It only lasts a few seconds. It only happens once or twice. It only happens when he changes positions. But he has to push through it.
When the practice officially ends, though, Tsukishima quietly sneaks off without anyone noticing and wanders a bit on campus, trying to find some peace and quiet. He ends up losing track of time for a while. His headphones are firmly on his ears, blasting music he can lose himself in. When he finds a tight space between two buildings, he decides to make himself quite comfortable, tucking his knees to his chest, arms hugging them tightly, head resting on them. His favorite position. His eyelids are heavy, he’s in the shade, the beating sun finally showing some mercy on him.
“Tsukishima?”.
He wakes up with a startle big enough to make his headphones fall off his head. Akaashi is looking at him, showing both his hands, as if to say he meant no harm.
“Sorry, I didn’t think I would startle you that badly. I just ran into your friend, the freckled one? He and your team were looking for you, they’re worried”. Worried? Why? Tsukishima rubs his eyes, fiddles with his fingers, before picking up his headphones. Finally, he looks at Akaashi’s neutral face. Then at the sky. Which is now nearly pitch-black. Oh. Oh. Oops. Tsukishima opens his mouth to ask Akaashi what time it is. No sounds come out of him. Right. Stupid. How could he forget? Was he really that out of it? Or was it just because he wasn’t fully awake yet? Was his brain still asleep?
“Are you alright?”, Akaashi asks him, his voice soft and even. His eyes are scanning him, trying to find any possible injuries or signs of an illness. Tsukishima nods. Then, he feels the heaviness of his phone in his pocket. He fetches it, sends a quick message to Yamaguchi, telling him that he was alright and no, there was no need to call the police or the army (and then, he reminds his frightened friend that Japan isn’t allowed to have an army, though they do have the Japanese Self-Defense Forces). Then, he looks at Akaashi again. He wants to ask if they still train at the third gym. He wants to join them. Yes, both to train and yes, fine, to also spend time with Kuroo. He hasn’t seen him or talked to him since last night. Still has his jacket neatly folded on his futon. But he can’t talk. And he doubts that Akaashi knows Sign Language.
“Do you need to go to the infirmary?”, Akaashi asks. Tsukishima shakes his head no.
“Do you want to go have dinner? Are you feeling hungry?”. No and no. Akaashi doesn’t seem annoyed at Tsukishima’s lack of verbal responses. Merely curious. Maybe still a bit concerned. Then, the setter smiles. It’s small, it’s subtle, but it’s genuine. Warm.
“Then, if you feel alright, and if your friends are reassured about your whereabouts, would you like to train again with us? Bokuto and Kuroo were asking after you. Especially Kuroo. I think he was antsy about finally seeing you again, tonight”.
Tsukishima wonders if Akaashi can see him blushing deeply underneath the moonlight. Probably, if Akaashi’s slightly amused expression is any indication. That little sneak. Trying to ignore the heat in his face, Tsukishima nods and then follows the second year to their usual gym. Oddly enough, it didn’t take him long to feel strangely comfortable with the three of them. Sure, Bokuto was loud, Kuroo could be annoying, and together they were obnoxious, but they were also sweet and caring in their own ways. And they were funny. Not that Tsukishima would ever let them know that. He doesn’t want to feed their egos.
When they enter the gym, Tsukishima blinks, blinded by the lights. And by Hinata’s presence. Ugh. What is he doing here!? He really can’t catch a break, can he?
“Ah, Tsukishima! Don’t disappear again, you had us all worried!”, his teammate yells, pointing an accusatory finger at him. Tch. Yeah, right. You don’t look like you’ve been looking for me.
“Good thing you FINALLY texted Yamaguchi back to tell him you were alright and you’d train in Gym 3”. Oh, right. He had been a bit presumptuous, assuming there would be another extra practice with Bokuto, Akaashi, and, more importantly, Kuroo. And, uh, Hinata too, now. Which… Yeah, fine, whatever. Tsukishima was too tired to fight it at this point. And Lev was here as well. Fantastic. Tsukishima could feel the room’s collective IQ moving, and certainly not going up.
“Oh, Tsukki! Tsukki, Tsukki, you ready!? Let’s go!”, Bokuto claps excitedly while Lev waves wildly next to him. It’s involuntary, but Tsukishima takes a step back and grabs Akaashi’s sleeve. Akaashi, for his part, doesn’t seem offended or angry. He smiles gently at him, patting his head lightly, before turning to his friends.
“Guys, don’t be that loud, he obviously doesn’t like it”, Akaashi says, stepping into the gym, Tsukishima on his heels. And just like that, Tsukishima decides that he likes this Akaashi guy.
“Oh, yeah, you flinch a lot, I’ve noticed! Is that why you’re always wearing your headphones?”, asks Lev, who apparently hasn’t quite grasped the concept of an indoor voice yet. And just like that, Tsukishima decides that he doesn’t like that Lev guy.
Seriously. Between Lev, Hinata, and Bokuto, it’d be a miracle if his ears aren’t damaged in some way by the end of the night.
“Since there are six of us, how about a little 3v3 match, hm?”, Kuroo suggests. Then, he turns to Tsukishima, who is paler than usual and clearly out of it. He comes closer to him, and without a second thought, he lets his hand feel his forehead.
“You okay, dude?”, he asks, “Hm, don’t seem to have a fever”, he grins as Tsukishima finally snaps out of his trance, swatting his hand off him.
“Seriously, though, are you feeling good enough for that? It’s fine if you want to sit out, y’know. Like, when you need to rest, you need to rest, no shame in it”.
“I’ve already asked him, Kuroo, and he said that he was okay”, Akaashi says. “Hm, well, he didn’t say it, but he did nod”, he adds.
Tsukishima tries not to frown too much when everyone turns to him. He hates being the center of attention. Being under the spotlights. A nightmare for an introvert like him. He picks up a ball, hoping that they’ll get the message. Hinata is here and is rather good at Sign Language. He could be his interpreter, but what if they then think that, just because he can’t talk, that means he needs to rest? Because that isn’t the case. He is actually rather used to practicing and playing even when he is nonverbal. His team is accustomed to it as well, now. For the most part, at least. He doesn’t want people to make a big deal out of it. Which they do, most of time. They freak out, worry, start being too patronizing and infantilizing with him, and he hates that.
Kuroo leans to whisper in his ear.
“You’re nonverbal right now, are you?”. Tsukishima nods, struggling to breathe with Kuroo so close to him, his face flushing when he thinks of their conversation last night. Their proximity. The sheer intimacy of it. His not-hot kiss. He’s been thinking about it a lot. And he still has no firm conclusion on whether there is something potentially blooming between them. Kuroo could be flirting with him. But he could also be just a very nice, sweet, friendly, and overly touchy guy who does everything platonically. Either way, Tsukishima feels like his fantasy of the two of them screwing each other’s brains out will never materialize.
Because then, Kuroo makes a huge mistake. He takes the ball off Tsukishima’s hands.
“Maybe you should take a rain check for tonight? You look exhausted, I don’t want you to put yourself in danger”.
Tsukishima is astonished. Never, in his entire life, has he wanted so much to punch a guy AND jump his bones at the same time. Or jump his bones and then punch him. Whatever order works. He takes a deep breath, walks past Kuroo, and taps Hinata’s shoulder to get his attention. Once he is sure that his teammate is looking at him, Tsukishima decides that he doesn’t care that the rest of the Gym 3 squad’s eyes are all on him. To Hell with his self-consciousness; this is more important.
“Tell Kuroo that just because I can’t talk right now doesn’t mean I can’t play. I get to decide if I need to rest, he doesn’t”, he signs. He signs a bit faster than usual, because he’s angry and he sees that Hinata struggles a bit to follow. Akaashi and Lev are staring at him, surprised, but there is someone who seems very happy and excited.
“Wait, Tsukki! You know JSL!? AWESOME! That’s the first time I've seen someone else signing!”. Bokuto’s signing is just like him: fast, vivid, wild, and enthusiastic. But it’s not overwhelming. Tsukishima’s head starts to buzz, and he would be smiling if he weren’t that surprised.
“I learned Sign Language when I was six. How about you?”.
“One of my older sisters is deaf, so we all learned! This is so cool!”. Bokuto is smiling wildly, and his enthusiasm is contagious. He’s right. It is cool to feel understood immediately by someone, no matter how you communicate.
“Wait, what’s going on? What is Tsukki saying?”, Kuroo asks, getting closer to the group.
“Uh, no idea. Are they like, doing mimes?
-No, Lev, it’s Sign Language”, Akaashi replies.
“Hm? Why are they using that instead of talking?”, Lev asks. Tsukishima doesn’t bother not hide the contempt he has for the taller boy.
“Ah, in Tsukki’s case, it’s because he can’t speak right now”, Hinata answers.
“Huh? Why? Did he lose a bet or something? Like when you play Jinx?
-Hey, Lev, next time I see Alisa, remind me to ask her if she’s ever dropped you on the head when you were a baby”, Kuroo says, annoyed. Bokuto keeps his focus on Tsukishima.
“So, you’re mute sometimes?”. He knows Tsukishima isn’t deaf or hard-of-hearing, but it feels good to be able to have a conversation only the two of them can understand.
“Yes. Nonverbal, but yes. It happens a lot, and I’m fine. I can play. I want to play. Could you tell Kuroo that, please?”.
“Hey, Kuroo”. Bokuto’s voice cuts through the debate Lev, Akaashi, Hinata, and Kuroo were having.
“Yeah?
-Tsukki tells you that he wants to play and that he’s fine”, Bokuto says, his face serious for once.
“Wait, is he mad at me? Also, since when do you know Sign Language?”, Kuroo asks, his head going from Bokuto to Tsukishima, trying to decipher what was going on.
“No idea if he’s mad at you. He does seem pretty pissed that you took the ball from him and decided that he was too tired to play, though”. Kuroo winces before looking at Tsukishima, who is frowning ,and nods at what Bokuto is saying. Ouch.
“So, why can’t you talk, Tsukishima?”, Lev asks, not caring (nor realizing) about Kuroo’s internal crisis.
“I’m autistic, and there are moments when I can’t speak. That’s why I use Sign Language when I’m nonverbal”, Tsukishima signs, Bokuto translating right after he’s done. He sure is faster than Hinata, who still seems puzzled by the whole situation. Though Tsukishima would be lying if he said he didn’t find the whole situation dizzying. Still, he was annoyed at the way everyone was staring at him. He clicks his tongue, taking the ball from Kuroo’s hands with as much force as he can, holding it with one hand so he can still sign.
“Can we play now?”.
“Yeah, let’s play!”, Bokuto approves. Finally, they start playing. It starts roughly. Kuroo is clearly still in a daze, but after a while and after a few taunts from Bokuto, Kuroo finally snaps out of it and starts blocking for real, giving useful tips to Tsukishima and Lev. It lasts nearly an hour, until they’re all panting on the floor, trying to catch their breath. Well, with the notable exception of Bokuto and Hinata, whose stamina is yet to be over.
“How? How are you two still standing up?”, Lev asks, lying on the floor, arms and legs spread like a starfish.
“Hm, I don’t know, man. I’m just not tired yet! I’m still pumped!”, Bokuto answers.
“Same for me!”, Hinata screams.
Ugh. Tsukishima doesn’t know if he feels more envious or more murderous. Both Hinata and Bokuto are drenched in sweat, like the rest of them, but they aren’t struggling to breathe and they really aren’t exhausted. Meanwhile, he almost thinks Kuroo was right when he said that he should sit this one out. Almost. Sure, he wants to throw up (again), his heart is pounding (and not just because Kuroo is here), the room is spinning, and he is fighting with what little energy he has left in him not to fall asleep right here and then, but he doesn’t regret it. Not completely, at least.
“So, we do another round?”, Bokuto and Hinata ask.
“NO!”.
“Guys, if you haven’t eaten yet, you should hurry up, the cafeteria closes in half an hour”, Yukie, one of the managers, tells them.
Tsukishima glanced at the clock. He also needs to go to the infirmary to take his evening medications. It still ticks him off that he can’t have them in his bedroom, but he understands that there are security reasons. Still. It’s annoying. Especially when he can’t talk. He looks at Hinata and Bokuto, who have overcome their sadness from the refusal to continue the training, to salivate at the idea of a dinner. Which one should he ask for help with? On the one hand, Hinata is loud and annoying. But on the other hand, Bokuto is loud and annoying. Hm, tough choice.
In the end, he decides to quietly sneak off, simply writing a note to the nurse to explain his silence. Once it is done, he joins the group back to the cafeteria, his headphones around his neck. He picks at his food, not particularly hungry. His appetite has been even worse than usual lately. He still hasn’t recovered quite yet from his weight loss during the break. His clothes are baggier than usual as well. Maybe that’s why he’s so exhausted lately. Maybe it’s not just the heat. But the heat is one of the reasons why he had less appetite. God, he’s tired…
“You alright, Tsukki? You don’t like it?”, Kuroo asks him, leaning over him. Tsukishima can’t help but feel a tingle running down his spine, just feeling Kuroo’s breath against his ear, feeling his weight against him. For the umpteenth time, he blames his hormones for driving him crazy over any of Kuroo’s actions. He hates how his libido is reducing his brain and wits to mush when it comes to any hot guy. Still, it wouldn’t be polite to ignore Kuroo, even though he is still a bit mad at him for earlier. Besides, Bokuto is looking at him, ready to translate for him, clearly happy to put his knowledge to good use.
“I’m not hungry. And I don’t like eating”, he signs, as Bokuto lends him his voice. Lev and Hinata are deep into a conversation that Tsukishima doesn’t care about. Akaashi is staring at Bokuto, but Kuroo’s intense gaze is secured on him. He nods when Bokuto speaks, but he isn’t looking at him. No. He’s entirely focused on Tsukishima. It makes him feel warm. Not hot in a, well, steamy way, but just… fuzzy. Comfortable.
“There’s gotta be something you like eating, Tsukki”, Kuroo says absentmindedly. Hinata turns to him, taking a break between two bites.
“Uh, no, not really. Tsukki is a picky eater! And he’s got the smallest appetite ever. He’s got a huge sweet tooth, though”, he says, munching his dinner away. Tsukishima frowns. Mind your own business, Shrimp!
“Sweet tooth, huh?”, Kuroo says, chin resting on his hand.
“Yeah. Basically, anything strawberry”, Hinata adds. Tch. Tsukishima stands up, picking up his half-eaten tray.
“Wait, you’re already leaving?”, Kuroo asks, puzzled.
“Wait, can I have that?”, Hinata asks at the same time, pointing to his tray. Tsukishima rolls his eyes, shrugs, but gives his tray to his clearly hungry-hungry teammate, before leaving the cafeteria abruptly, pointedly ignoring Kuroo calling after him.
He stumbles outside, tired, shivering a bit in the cold evening air, and he regrets not having his jacket. Well, Kuroo’s jacket. Not his. And speaking of the devil…
“Tsukki!”. Kuroo runs after him. Tsukishima has half in mind to pretend that Kuroo doesn’t exist, but he can’t bring himself to do that. And boy, is that annoying.
“I… I’m sorry. I feel like I did or said something stupid that upset you. Again”, Kuroo says pitifully. Tsukishima nods, giving him a bone to pick at.
“Yeah, thought so. Is it because food is a sensitive subject?”, Kuroo asks, taking a tentative step closer to the other boy. Tsukishima moves his head a bit to the left, then to the right.
“It’s complicated at least, I guess?”. This time, Tsukishima nods. Yes. Yes, it is. Still, he keeps frowning and crosses his arms. Both for the warmth and to put some distance between them. Kuroo notices it immediately. Because of course he does.
“Ah. But there’s more than that, right? You’re still pissed at me because of what I did in the gym?”. Once again, Tsukishima rewards him with a careful nod.
“Yeah. I get it. It was a dick move on my part”, Kuroo admits. He seems sincere, as far as Tsukishima can tell. Which is not a lot. Deciphering people’s tone and intentions is always hard for him.
Kuroo looks at him, hands in his shorts’ pockets, clearly not as comfortable as usual.
“Hum, right, you can’t… tell me anything. Err, want me to get Bokuto? Or Hinata?”. Tsukishima shakes his head before showing his phone. He quickly types a message in the notes before showing it to Kuroo. It’s short. Simple. Straight to the point.
Don’t take away my agency ever again. Kuroo seems a bit worried but smiles when he sees Tsukishima’s teasing grin.
“Duly noted, sir”, he salutes. He lets a few seconds pass before noticing that Tsukishima is shivering a bit.
“Hey, do you want to go on the rooftop again? You could, I don’t know, hum, teach me some Sign Language? If you want, of course”, Kuroo suggests, rubbing his neck. Tsukishima nods, smiling a bit. When they pass by the Karasuno quarter, Tsukishima slips inside it quickly just to pick up the jacket.
On the rooftop, Tsukishima shows him the basics of JSL, using his phone to send him a message when it is too complicated. Because, yes, they had exchanged their Line addresses, thank you for asking. At first, it was really just simple words. Then, he gives Kuroo his sign name. The sign for rooster while grinning. When he explains it to Kuroo, he bursts out laughing. And Tsukishima makes a mental note to tell him that his laugh reminds him of a hyena giving birth. And to tell him how they give birth.
They didn’t see the time passing. The night has truly fallen on them, but it wasn’t that much of a bother. The crescent moon was bright and shiny, and the lights from the two downlights on the wall behind them, lit them enough so they could see each other. Their positions are similar to yesterday’s: both are sitting cross-legged, across from each other. Very, very close. It’s to see better, Tsukki, Kuroo had said, but come on. Tsukishima wasn’t that naïve. But he was maybe a bit hopeful, even… deliriously delusional? At that point, he can’t say for sure if Kuroo is just being playful or if he’s really hitting on him. Especially with the next word, Kuroo wants to know the sign of.
“Hey, Tsukki? What’s the sign for kissing?”, Kuroo asks, grinning ear to ear. Mechanically, and because Tsukishima tends to be very literal, he goes to show him the sign before stopping, staring at Kuroo. He is relaxed, watching him with that teasing grin of his, almost… almost daring him, maybe? So, Tsukishima hopes he isn’t mistaken with his next move because if he is, he will throw himself into the Arakawa River to wash away his shame.
The boy leans towards Kuroo, capturing his lips, his heart beating hard and fast against his ribcage, so much that it was threatening to come out of him, Alien-style. Because what if he’d read the situation wrong and made a fool of himself? What if Kuroo hated him now? What if he was repulsed by him? What if –
But his overthinking is suddenly cut short when Kuroo responds eagerly to his awkward kiss, his hands on the blond’s face, deepening their kiss. When they stop for a much-needed gulp of air, Kuroo smiles and smoothly manhandles Tsukishima until the younger boy is sitting in his lap, before kissing him again, his hands firmly gripping Tsukishima’s hips. Tsukishima, for his part, lets his long legs circle Kuroo’s waist, while his hands are gripping his shirt.
Kuroo stops their kiss, and just when Tsukishima starts to whine, he nibbles on his neck, now in full access as the blond leans backward, his two hands on Kuroo’s strong shoulders, pinching him. Kuroo can’t resist letting out a chuckle, fully enjoying the shiver it gives to Tsukishima.
“Yeah, babe?”, he whispers back, gently nibbling his ear, before attacking his neck again, leaving marks and hickeys. Tsukishima pouts before pointing to his lips with a shaky hand, his face flushed. Kuroo smirks before kissing him again. Then, he nuzzles their noses together, letting his hands go lower and lower until he grabs Tsukishima’s ass, making the boy silently yelps, surprised and even more flustered than he already is.
“Fuck, you’re so cute, baby”, Kuroo whispers again. Tsukishima pouts some more before leaning towards Kuroo, initiating yet another kiss. When Kuroo lets his hands wander again on his butt, Tsukishima starts moaning into the kiss, driving the other boy crazy. Tsukishima squirms in Kuroo’s embrace, accidentally bringing some more… friction. And Kuroo realizes that it’s going to be a delicious problem.
“B… Babe, wait, don’t squirm that m… much”, he mutters, breathless. A bit too late. For both of them. Their crotches are both too close and not close enough at the same time, and both are, well, ready for more. Which Kuroo is a bit embarrassed by. He doesn’t want to look like an inexperienced nerd who pops a boner just because of a slightly steamy make-out session. But one look at Tsukishima’s face tells him he’s not the only one to find the whole thing awkward. Tsukishima whines again, fidgeting some more against Kuroo, frustrated tears prickling at his eyes. Kuroo kisses him, softly, gentler this time, wanting to soothe him. But he can’t blame him. It’s a bit painful. It’s begging for relief. It would be honestly tempting. Call him a loser or a virgin, but he doesn’t really want their first time to be on the cold, hard, dirty floor of the rooftop. Especially when they have nothing to be prepared for. No lube, no condoms, and even though Kuroo doubts that either of them has an STD to worry about, he still knows that prep and precautions are important.
“Tsukki, baby, we should… We should maybe stop?”, Kuroo suggests in a hushed whisper. Tsukishima’s lips tremble a bit before he shakes his head, nuzzling against Kuroo. Yeah. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to make of it. Hmm…
“Okay, okay. Hm, maybe we could… You know, like rub –
Kuroo’s probably marvelous suggestion is rudely interrupted by the door swinging open, revealing Ukai, Takeda, and Nekomata strutting carefree onto the rooftop… and noticing the two students. It’s a bit of a bewildered staring contest. As though time has frozen. The three adults are quick to notice that Tsukishima is still straddling Kuroo’s lap, that his jacket has dropped a bit on his shoulder,and that he is covered in hickeys. They also notice where Kuroo’s hands are. And, well, the rest is also clear as day, despite it being night. Tsukishima’s lips tremble so much that Kuroo wonders if he’s going to burst out crying. And that’s pretty much all he can think of as his brain has short-circuited. And not because all of his blood is… busy in another region.
Ukai lets his unlit cigarette drop from his mouth as his jaw drops at the scene, while Takeda looks a bit too flustered for an adult. Only Nekomata seems unbothered. Or at least not as surprised as the other two. He smiles in an almost sweet way. Still a bit mocking though.
“Well, well, well. Good evening to you two”. Kuroo feels his whole body just heat up and reddening. He’s never been so embarrassed in his entire life. It’s a hundred worse than that time he called his teacher “Mom” when he was in 3rd Grade. Clearly, Tsukishima feels the same way as he scrambles off Kuroo’s lap, pulling his legs near in his chest, hugging them, trying to hide his erection as much as he can, refusing to look at anyone. Kuroo quickly imitates him, trying to find a position to conceal himself a bit.
Ukai picks up his cigarette, dusts it, and shrugs, deciding it’s still good enough to smoke it. Or maybe they cost too much to lose one.
“Can’t believe it’s been ten years and it’s still the spot where kids make out”, he grumbles under his breath.
“Some things don’t change, I guess”, Nekomata chuckles lightly. Ukai nods knowingly as he lights up his cigarette, before averting his eyes, giving some privacy to the two teens. Takeda finally snaps out of his trance.
“I… Just… Just go to bed, boys”, he says, coughing a bit, also averting his gaze. A few seconds pass, with neither teen moving a single muscle. Nekomata has to bite his lips not to laugh. No need to add more humiliation to the poor boys. Ukai finally lends them a hand.
“Just… Stretch your legs or something, like when you have a cramp”, he whispers gruffly. “That should, err, do the trick”.
They were both hoping that the humiliation, the shame of getting caught by their coaches and teachers, would have been enough to quell their desires, but apparently not. Ukai’s tip did help them, though. But now, Tsukishima has a whole new reason to drown himself in the Arakawa River.
A few minutes and a scolding later, Kuroo accompanies Tsukishima back to his dormitory. Before he lets him go, he hugs him suddenly and kisses him tenderly, gently cupping his blushing cheeks.
“So, that was awkward”. Tsukishima nods. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Kuroo smiles. “I’m still glad. I mean, before they arrived, y’know”. Tsukishima nods again, still refusing to meet his gaze. “Do you… Do you regret it?”, Kuroo asks, worried. Tsukishima shakes his head no very fast. So fast, he becomes dizzy, and Kuroo catches him as he starts swaying.
“Good. I’m glad. Hm, well, nighty-night, baby”, he says, kissing him one last time, before darting again, like yesterday.
Tsukishima enters the room quickly, dashing towards Yamaguchi, hoping no one would notice his flushed face.
“Hm, Tsukishima, do you have a fever?”.
Ah, shit.
That night, right before Kuroo goes to sleep, he sends a quick message to Bokuto.
“Hey, dude. Could you teach me Sign Language?” and smiles with relief when Bokuto happily replies Yes.
The next day, Tsukishima, still unable to speak, pointedly refuses to meet Takeda's or Ukai’s gaze. And to be fair, they seem just as uncomfortable and awkward as he is. Naturally, the rest of the team is blissfully unaware of what is going on under their noses. Well, all except one. Yamaguchi. Of course. Tsukishima caved in really fast last night and signed him the whole story, away from the others, so they couldn’t see what he was confessing to Yamaguchi. And of course, as a good friend, Yamaguchi only laughed at him for five minutes. Which is quite magnanimous, all things considered.
But his embarrassment is quickly forgotten after the first practice match, too exhausted to even care about it. Tsukishima grunts as he and the rest of the team pant, absolutely wiped out. They just lost to Shinzen, but they didn’t go down without fighting to the very end. Which, in this unbearable heat, is probably not such a great idea. They have them running up and down the hill just two times instead of four, which is supposed to be seen as generous. Still, even though his legs and hands are shaking, Tsukishima doesn’t want to give up. Not because he’s motivated. But rather, because he’s yet again terrified. His anxiety and self-loathing are back, latching onto him, dragging him down.
He sees Hinata soaring into the sky, hitting the fast ball perfectly set by Kageyama, and he suddenly has the feeling that he won’t ever be able to catch up to him. When he fails his block, he almost reverts to his bad habit of not caring, not trying hard enough. Because there is no point in that, isn’t it? But then, he sees how Kuroo is focused and so in tune with his teammates. He sees how Daichi and Sugawara are always here to cheer them up. He sees how Yamaguchi gets braver, bolder, and more confident in himself and in his float serves. Deservedly so. He notices how even Bokuto’s crazy mood swings can be soothed through Akaashi’s firm but gentle coaxing.
So, despite the exhaustion, the heave wave, and in spite of his own anxiety, Tsukishima decides that he can’t let himself get distanced. During their second match of the afternoon, Tsukishima truly gives it his all. If you’d ask him, he’d still tell you that he isn’t good enough and that, really, his team is doing the heavy work. But it’s evident that something in his attitude has changed. His blocking is also much better. He’s faster. He’s stronger.
Until he isn’t anymore. Until they all see him swaying, struggling to breathe, ghostly pale. For his part, Tsukishima doesn’t see much. For a brief moment, he worries that he lost his glasses. He checks. No, they’re still on his face. So why is everything so blurry? Why are their voices so far away? The only sounds going to his ears are his beating heart that is too loud, too fast, and it hurts so, so much. Worse than during his worst panic attacks. Something is wrong. Something is so, so very wrong. The last thing he sees is Kageyama and Daichi rushing towards him, screaming his name, before a black veil finally cuts all his senses, his legs buckling under him.
The last thing his team and the rest of the gym sees is Tsukishima collapsing, inert on the floor, like a puppet whose strands had just been cut off.