Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

For most, working as a personal assistant was not a particularly demanding job. There were the boss's cranky days, coffee runs, scheduling, paperwork, and the like, but overall it was generally relegated to menial tasks and minimal personal stress, unless one took the position unusually seriously. Darcy had never been challenged by the role before, just serving as Jane's adorably snarky gofer (being the assistant also meant you got to write your own job description- win). She had definitely not signed up for all this. Then again, when they started working for S.H.I.E.L.D., it was naturally expected that things got more… intense. All in all, Darcy thought she managed things pretty well. She could handle hectic, she could handle top-secret, she could even handle potentially life-threatening. But the one thing she could not handle was Fury's boring. as. fuck. debriefings that went on for hours (or at least felt like they did). And he just stares at you, that singular unblinking eye… There had been entire conversations about that eye.

Darcy: Do you think he sleeps with one eye open? Well, his only eye open?

Tony: No, he needs it to stare down his dreams and dare them to come. I'm pretty sure he's who Chuck Norris sees in his nightmares.

Darcy: Well that eye sure as hell haunts my nightmares.

Tony: I don't think he actually lost it in combat… I think he carved it out to intimidate an enemy and just didn't think the tactic through.

Steve: Tony, that's an awful thing to say. Even about Fury.

Tony: Calm your tits, Captain Star-Pants. I doubt it will make him cry himself to sleep.

Darcy: Actually, I think the sound of OTHER people crying is what lulls him to sleep.

Tony: He probably likes hearing it echo in his eye cavity.

Clint: I'm not entirely sure that Fury even sleeps… I'm pretty sure it's too unintimidating an activity and thus he refuses to do it.

Darcy: No way, he definitely sleeps. He could only dream up the ways he tortures us.

Clint: What kind of a teddy bear do you think he has?

Darcy: Stuffed Avenger dolls. Definitely. And the biggest one is a giant plush of the Hulk, this way it's size accurate when compared to the others AND it can feel like it's cuddling him back while he sleeps.

Bruce: … Just once I would like to look at these conversations and not be disturbed.

Tony: Well, it's better than what I can only assume Coulson's bedroom looks like- an eerie shrine to blondie. Do you think they even make Captain America sheets for any bed bigger than a twin?

Steve: That is made significantly less funny by the fear it might be true.

Things had taken a turn for the worse when Tony decided to take it upon himself to discover whether or not Fury had any hand in Avenger merchandise or if he owned any, but it was worth it. It was a good conversation, permanently saved in her phone. Then again, all the group chats were automatically saved into the program. It was just a simple app program that allowed the group to assuage their boredom and annoyance at these endless cyclical talks. Tony called it the Avenger Amusement Alliance, partly because he liked the goofy alliteration and partly because it was like Triple A for when their brains broke down instead of their cars. He was the only one who found the second part of the joke funny. But regardless of the stupid puns and uncouth discussions, most were glad to have it.

Tony monopolized the conversation and subject matter, obviously, and equally unsurprising was the amount of input from Darcy. Bruce participated as though it were an actual conversation, throwing his two cents in at the most opportune moments. Natasha had the app and read along every meeting, but she hardly contributed, which was in contrast to Clint who loved it more than he would likely love his first-born child. Even attempting to get Thor in on it was fruitless, as not only was the phone itself and issue (he was technologically inept and had really big fingers), but he simply lacked the subtlety to be trusted with clandestine conversation. Darcy finagled Jane onto the list as well, but the researcher obediently kept her phone tucked away during meetings (Darcy was pretty sure she could hear her giggling and sharing some of their better jokes with Thor later in the day, though). Steve was unable to contribute more than occasionally, since he was still getting used to the whole technology thing- luckily the chat only required that he type and press send, since someone else could access the app for him ahead of time, and he was getting better at it every meeting. And, of course, despite not being present, Pepper needed access in order to monitor Tony's debauchery. He had even thrown JARVIS in for good measure, in case they ever had a question or request mid-conversation.

So, granted they weren't deep in the midst of some alien invasion or other such deadly threat, whenever any type of S.H.I.E.L.D. meeting came around…

Tony: Has anyone not seen 21 Jump Street yet? I just got the DVD and I don't want to watch it alone tonight.

Clint: What, no Pepper?

Tony: She said no :(

Clint:Sucks. Well, I might be down.

Steve: What is 21 Jump Street?

Darcy: It's a movie that's right up Tony's ally, with debauchery and crude humor even by modern expectations. Trust me, you wouldn't like it- there's a reason Pepper's avoiding it.

Tony: Maybe not, but you would, Lewis. You in?

Darcy: I definitely would, but tonight's no good for me.

Tony: Ooh hot date?

Darcy: No, you moron. Girls' night - way more fun than anything with a penis.

Clint: I beg to differ- I would be WAY more fun to do than that.

Bruce: Let's not be gross, guys, for once.

Steve: I agree. Stop bothering her, and let Darcy have fun with other girls.

Tony: Oh believe me, Steve. Clint and I would have no problem with Darcy and other girls… ;)

Bruce: How have you not gone to jail for sexual harassment yet?

Tony: Pepper's always been amazing at handling me.

Bruce: And you're lucky to have her, so if I were you, I'd stop pushing it.

Clint: See, there's a reason I'd be more fun than girls night- I WOULD be pushing it.

Steve: Be a gentleman, Clint.

Tony: Oh you two need to stop getting your panties in a twist… so why can't you reschedule this estrogen extravaganza?

Darcy: Because I'm not cancelling on the girls. We have tonight booked for this, barring giggling green explosions of Asgardian proportion.

Tony: Well just do girl time another night and you all can come watch this with me instead. This way Pepper HAS to come.

Clint: Yeah, I hear the chicks love it when you manipulate and trick them into doing exactly what they don't want to do. Good call, Tony.

Darcy: Thank you, my sentiments exactly Clint. So buzz off, Stark.

Tony: Fiiiiiine… so what will tonight's girls' night entail? At home spa? Chick flicks? Going to a club and standing in a circle around your pocketbooks.

Darcy: You watch way too much tv. How do you have a girlfriend when you know absolutely nothing about women?

Tony: I know everything that's important. Trust me.

Darcy: Classy. Anyway, we're just doing a casual dinner and a movie, maybe a few glasses of wine after.

Clint:You sure that's not a date?

Darcy: If it looks like I'm gonna get lucky, I promise I'll send you pics.

Clint: That's all I ask.

Tony: So if that's it, then why can't you just reschedule?

Darcy: Tony.

Tony: Alright, geez Miss Uppity…

Tony: Wait, what movie are you going to see?

Darcy: Why does it matter?

Tony: Just curious…

Clint: Are you looking at movie show times on your phone?

Steve: Oh wow, I haven't been to a double feature in a dog's age.

Clint: And you won't for another animal's age, cuz they pretty much don't exist anymore.

Darcy: Be nice… and Tony, stop stalking us. You can't come.

Tony: But I don't get it… you've already seen Brave, Rock of Ages, Snow White and the Huntsman, and Madagascar 3, because clearly we don't give you enough work to do. There's nothing new and animated for you to coo over.

Darcy: I'm so disturbed… how do you know that?

Bruce: Tony, that is excessively unhealthy.

Tony: Oh my god, THAT'S why you don't want to reschedule- you're seeing Magic Mike aren't you, you dirty girl!

Clint: The male stripper movie?

Steve: Burlesque girls can be men now? And they make movies about them? That just don't seem right… should a lady be going to see that?

Darcy: I'm not going to dignify that with a response.

Clint: Steve, I'd quit on that one if I were you.

Tony: No no, I think we should continue to focus on why Darcy is a pervert for choosing Magic Mike over 21 Jump Street.

Bruce: What is this, Channing Tatum night?

Tony:There's nothing wrong with him as an actor, providing his clothes stay ON. Don't be a harlot, Ms. Lewis.

Natasha: There is nothing perverse about Dr. Foster, Ms. Potts, Ms. Lewis, and I enjoying a comedy as legal adults. This conversation ends now, Stark.

Tony: … Pep's seeing it this? Why would she go see Channing Tatum naked over me? He's not even a good actor!

Chapter Text

After he joined them, including Loki in the Avengers Amusement Accumulation (Tony switched alliance to accumulation, owing it to the accumulation of conversations and amusement within the database- the others just chalked it up to his being flaky) seemed like a logical peace offering. Nothing discussed therein was classified, and it would give him something his brother didn't have, using his superiority complex to their advantage and further integrating him into the team. They only hoped he was up to par with the intellectual rigor of their conversations.

When they explained the purpose of Triple A, the god seemed dubious at best, but upon hearing Thor's annoyance that his 'brother should be able to partake in joyous camaraderie but not I,' his interest was piqued. He was on the app by his first meeting. Loki had to admit, the blatant disregard for propriety shown by these mortals spoke to the trickster in him, and he might have been tempted to partake in this so-called 'group chat app' regardless of Thor's jealousy. The actuality of the situation, he found, was far less gratifying.

Tony: Are you suggesting that we spy on our friend? That's an absolutely deplorable idea, Miss Lewis. It's downright underhanded, and only the sleaziest, most disreputable scoundrel would partake in such a heinous crime.

Clint: … So you're in?

Tony: Is that a serious question? Hell yeah I'm in!

Bruce: This is going to end poorly. For everyone.

Loki: This is utter nonsense.

Darcy: Nonsense is my specialty, don't knock it.

Bruce: I'm going to respectfully disagree with you, Loki. It's not nonsense- it's insanity.

Tony: I worry about my sanity sometimes. It's true.

Natasha: Stark, we all worry about your sanity.

Loki: I must say, though, that I am shocked by your group's propensity for chaos and evil.

Clint: Every normal human being is at least a little bit evil.

Darcy: Yeah. We can just be as, y'know, un-evil as we want. That's what we strive for, anyway.

Tony: Yup, the American dream.

Steve: I feel fairly confident in the fact that that is NOT the American dream.