Archive of Our Own ^beta

During the night of him trying to save someone dear to him, he gets poisoned by someone else dear to him.

He fights off the elders one by one, they manage to hurt him but they don't touch him once. Then he feels it– the shiver of the cold by his lower spine.

He doesn't think twice and moves aside, but he lacks his usual steadfastness against his foes. They are his family clan, he would never touch them.

He feels it slide through his skin, his body. He can feel the blade sliding inside his body and he doesn't know what to do. He feels weakened already, by the betrayal. It must be because of the poison dripping from the blade, Lan wangji thinks

Do not be a coward. Fight fairly. Consider all sides. Do not be biased. Do not harm your family. Stand by justice.

He thinks, that perhaps the elders forgot these rules. He shakes away the thoughts, no matter how aggrieved he feels, he must protect Wei wuxian.

Protect the weak. Help those in need. Do not suffer in silence. Speak for justice. Do not be a coward.

He recites them all one by one, again and again, as he kicks the elder away and blocks a sword with his.

The fight drags on, and he feels his body crying out inside, wanting to give into the poison. It churns within him, wanting to make him puke out his insides, he thinks that he might be coming down with a fever too. He feels too hot even though it's so cold during this night.

He bats away the final sword struck out at him and sees his elder get flung as he sends them away with his Guqin. He casts a spell to ward the cave once more even if he feels like his body is giving up on him.

Then, he drops.

He sits on his legs and feels his body dropping to the ground, but it isn't. His head is swimming and he feels something drip out of his nose.

Drip.

Drip.
Drip.

He looks at it as clearly as he can, and sees his favorite color. Red, like Wei wuxian's ribbon. He sees something else in his peripheral, also red. Thinking it to actually be Wei wuxian's ribbon he moves his hand to grab it.

He fails and merely drags his hand across it. It smears on the ground and Lan wangji realizes.
It's also blood, coming from his ears.

He lets out a shaky breath and painfully moves his eyes to the figure he laid down previously. He sees the rise and fall of his chest, he sees him shaking and his eyebrows scrunching.

Lan wangji studies his face again.

For the last time, he thinks.

He sees the sunken cheeks of Wei wuxian and sees how deep they really are. The bags under his eyes, his pale cracked lips. His hair, matted in some areas, thick and thin in others. His robes, tattered, stained too; by blood, mud, dirt, and dirty water probably. He sees the ribbon dirty, looking almost black due to its dirtiness. He looks at the hands he once dreamt of holding, shaking, pale, and he frowns.

Lan wangji lets out a sigh, then he lets out a small smile. He doesn't know why but he wants to never take it off.

He forces his body to push the last of his energy into taking off his outer robe. And draping it across Wei wuxian's body. He tucks it on the sides. He smoothes out some of the hair falling in Wei wuxian's mouth, and he– he feels himself breaking even though he doesn't show it.

He slowly caresses the face he loves most, thinking in his mind his punishment from the gods would suffice for this transgression. He forces himself once again to do something heinous.

He lowers his face and presses his lips onto Wei wuxian's cold and unmoving ones. He presses in and... Gets up again. He wills his body to move for the last strenuous time and lays beside the man he dreams about.

He grabs the hand that shakes in Wei wuxian's sleep and he feels the warmth hidden by the cold of the night. He wishes he could feel it much longer. He says softly, "Wei ying." And he feels something drip from his eye.

He knows its blood with how it stings.

He doesn't want to face his crimes and so he pushes their intertwined hands under his robe, hiding it.

Do not be a coward.

He turns his face away from Wei wuxian, not wanting him to face the dead when he wakes up.

Do not be a coward.

He looks out at the opening of the cave and hopes, maybe he has done enough to save Wei ying.

He thinks this will be enough for Wei wuxian. Enough to save him from the things he thinks Lan wangji doesn't know about. He thinks he can save Wei wuxian with this... Sacrifice.

He doesn't think he's enough to save Wei wuxian but his foolish brains wants to believe.

He sighs again, as if he was a wife wanting to see her husband again and calls out, "Wei ying..."

He closes his eyes and lets out all the air he has left. His senses enhance now that he closes his eyes. He didn't notice it but he doesn't smell anything despite bleeding out. He also registers that he didn't pull out the blade that was embedded into him, it kept the blood in place long for him to have done his final acts of love for Wei ying so he thinks it's alright.

He shivers and realizes, It was raining outside but now the cold feels softer. It must be snowing. He wonders if he'll meet his mother on the bridge and if it'll be snowing there too.

He thinks for the final time what Wei wuxian would think once he finally woke up.

He feels content to let go now

────────

Wei wuxian feels warm, for the first time in however long. He feels warm and safe. But there's a feeling in his chest that won't go away and he wills himself to rouse awake and see if his cave was found and death was waiting for him again

He peels his eyes open once and registers the high ceiling of a cave, not his cave. Immediately he's alarmed and sits up, cursing as he feels his bones protest.

"Ah fuck!– ah- ha..." He lets out a string of unintelligible noises as he feels the warm blanket on top of him. As a kidnappee he feels quite special.

"Who the hell blankets their prisoners this comfortably?" Wei wuxian questions before he lifts his hand and he darts his eyes to look at it as he realizes hes holding onto something.

A hand. He's holding onto a cold hand.

He flinches and goes to let go of it before realizing it isn't the hand of a fierce or walking corpse. A fierce or walking corpses hands are grey and the veins are black from the resentment seeping into their body, this much he knows.

But the hand in his looks almost alive if not for it being limp, pale, and unmoving. He thinks it looks familiar for some reason and he feels his heart skip a beat.

He trails his eye towards the body the hand is connected to and as he's about to assume this was the person stuck with him who also got kidnapped– he sees it.

He feels his corrupted heart go haywire, he feels himself cold all of a sudden and he blinks before moving up rigidly and looking at the person's side profile. He doesn't have to of course the headband was enough for him to recognize who this person was. Or maybe it was the strong pale hand he's holding onto.

Instantly he freezes up as he looks– really looks– at the face beneath him and realizes that no matter how long he stares the face will remain the same.

He breathes out, "Lan zhan?" And he dares to touch the serene face he's dreamt of countless times. He wishes this was one of them, no matter how sick it might be. He wishes this was not real.

"Lan zhan," he says again, as if it would bring back the man he has avoided all this time.

He lets his hand tighten its hold on the pale hand in his. He moves his other hand and makes Lan wangji face him. It isn't any better.

He eyes are closed, his mouth is too, they're both parts of his face that are bleeding.

He doesn't feel the hysteria yet. He feels helpless as he stares into the face that won't open its eyes.

His nose and ears are bleeding too, and Wei wuxian wonders, "Who would do this to you? Who could do this to the great and mighty Hanguang-jun?!" He cries out smiling even as he feels his tears finally building up. He runs his hand across the headband, and touches the hair he's dreamt of brushing ever since he first touched it.

His breathing starts to harshen, as if he could breathe life into the others lungs and make him wake up. Make him wake Wei wuxian up from this nightmare.

"Lan wangji, lan zhan?" He says again, and his hand moves to the other's neck, then back up to his ears. The ears that he would always see redden up but thought nothing important. Now it feels like maybe it was important to him, he was always looking at the Lan's ears after teasing him after all.

He feels the tears dropping now, mingling with the dried up blood on his tormentor's face, he thinks of Lan wangji a cruel, cruel person for putting him through this. But he wouldn't have it any other way, not with people watching, not in the company of anyone else.

He moves his gaze to his body and instantly he finds the offending blade glinting in the moonlight, shining mockingly at him, for taking away something so dear to him. He wants to rip it out and shred it to pieces and feels himself reaching for it before realizing. To pull it out, Lan wangji would bleed out even more, and hasn't this little Lan always hated when his robes were dirtied? Maybe that's why he always looked at Wei wuxian like that whenever he clung to him, maybe he was sullying the other's pristine robes. But no, if he was, Lan wangji would've pushed him away right? But then again, Lan wangji was the type of person kind enough to let a heathen cling to him. Maybe the heathen is Wei wuxian.

Wei wuxian breathes, he's spiraling again and he doesn't know what to do. He thinks of the people who would help him out of these situations but what happens when that person is the one who's dead?

Ahh.. his head hurts. His tears are falling without stop, and all he sees is blood, and Lan wangji's bloody body, and his head hurts.

He thinks maybe he's screaming. There's a noise ringing in his ears and hes clutching onto white bloody robes, and his mouth is open while his throat is burning and his voice is hoarse.

He's probably screaming.

He feels snot running out of his nose and his eyes sting, he's sobbing. Muttering the other's name. Again and again. A prayer, that he hopes, pleases the gods and makes them give back something he never wanted to let go of.

He can't stop crying, and feels resentment towards those who hurt his soulmate. His soulmate. His now dead soulmate. He can't breathe properly, his lungs aren't filling up and he doesn't care. He wants his zhiji back. He was right, resentment truly does corrupt the heart and mind for how could a person wish death upon themselves? It's simply taboo, but that's his whole existence now.

He should've listened to his zhiji, he shouldn't have bothered him that much back then, he shouldn't have pushed him away, he should've went with him to Gusu, no matter how hurtful their punishment would've been it would be better than this.

It would've been better than having a cold body as a soulmate and a mountain of regrets on his shoulder he can't ever remedy.

A person without their soulmate, really.. isn't that such a tragedy?

He doesn't know how long he breaks apart by the corpse of his soulmate, but he never lets go of his hand.

And all he can do in the end is slump, falling apart, atop the body he once wished he held just like this but a little warmer. He's still crying and sobbing, if Jiang cheng were to see him in this state he'd no doubt call him a mentally unstable lunatic crying over a corpse like this.

He doesn't care.

He hugs the body tighter and he must really be out of his mind, because the body underneath him still feels warm to him, even the hand he holds tightly not once letting go of it.

He hasn't spoken, he doesn't think he can. He can taste his resentment in the air and it tastes so bitter. He feels bitter too, for not knowing who hurt this man, and wondering if he can ever avenge him.

"Lan zhan.. ha... Lan zhan. Thank you, and I'm sorry... For.. for everything. You'll never know this but I truly feel this way, and–" his voice breaks and he sobs again. What use are words now to the dead?

"Lan wangji ah.. how can you be so cold?" Wei wuxian wonders not for the first time. He huffs and feels his final tears slip. He closes his eyes and wraps his arms tightly around his partner, hoping he feels warm.

"How can you be so cold?" He wonders again as he remembers all the times he was close to Lan wangji, he has always felt warm.