Chapter Text
It’s stupid how small things can lead to big things. Except what Thorne did wasn’t exactly ‘small’, despite what he claimed. Let’s just say.. tampering with heaven and hell’s system to force some British kid to be your friend for eternity isn’t exactly the smartest idea, and heaven will definitely not comply. Afterall, the whole reason that angels enter heaven is because they deserve eternal happiness and peace— free from war. So, to pull one down to the unwelcoming depths of hell is just.. shameful, even for the son of Satan. Although Satan didn’t seem to care much, God most definitely did.
They wanted war. Heaven wanted war. Which was very bad, considering heaven always wanted to avoid war. Now, they were practically begging for it. And Satan had always been a trouble seeker. The only thing he didn’t like was the cause of it all. His son wanted to pull down some stupid little boy? That’s what this was all about? It was quite sad. But, Damien seemed very adamant on keeping this boy around. And, hell (no pun intended), what would Satan know about love? He’s been in too many bad relationships to have a single clue… even if Damien claimed it wasn’t love.
When the war was announced, Jesus took a little trip around the world, reminding people that heaven was always the side that you should be in. It should be obvious, even to atheists, that demons are not the ones to support, right? Well.. some people didn’t get the message. And those ‘people’ just so happened to be residents of the small little mountain town of South Park.
“Goddamnit, man..” Stan sighed to himself, laying back on the ginger boy’s bed, “Didn’t this happen when we were kids?”
“I think something similar happened.” Kyle attempted to recall, sitting at his desk, on the black chair, rubbing his cheek mindlessly as he tried to recall, “But it wasn’t, like, between Heaven and Hell.. it was just between God and Satan, wasn’t it?”
“I dunno.” Stan groaned and sat up, “My dad’s spending all of our money making bets at the bar.”
“This blows.” Kyle sighed, looking out of his window, “Does this mean that, like, we have to join in?”
“I mean.. why would they tell us if Earth didn’t have some kind of involvement?” Stan shifted to the end of the bed, placing his feet on the ground and leaning over, resting his elbows on his knees, “But I don’t know what they would expect of us.”
“We have to support Heaven, though, don’t we?”
“Hell crushes heaven, dude.”
“Yeah, I know, but still.. when we die, you want to get into heaven, don’t you?”
“Dude, Satan isn’t even that bad of a guy.” Stan raised one of his hands to his hair, pushing it back with furrowed eyebrows, “He helped me through an addiction one time.”
“What..?”
“Don’t worry about it— what’s the war even for?”
“.. I don’t know, y’know. I think Jesus said that it was something to do with some kid being dragged down to hell without heaven’s permission.” Kyle rested his back against his seat, looking back at Stan’s gaze, “I kind of tuned out when he said ‘war between heaven and hell’.”
“Yeah, this feels like some kind of nerdy fantasy novel.” Stan nodded, knowing he had done the same thing, “Kevin’s probably jumping up and down in his bedroom right now.”
Kyle grinned, letting out a small laugh, “I wonder what side he’s on.”
“Whichever side is fighting with lightsabers.”
“Hah.”
“The vamp kids probably enjoy this too.” Stan looked away, tilting his head back in thought.
“What about the goths?”
“They’re probably all on the demons side.”
“That’s realistic. They did help with the whole Cthulhu ordeal.” Kyle smiled.
“This. Fucking. Sucks.”
Not many of the teens in South Park knew how the war was going to work at all. The ones who did know, were the ones who had been selected to help. Michael Mae was someone who always saw himself on the darker side of things. And now he was being forced to fight with fucking angels? He stood in the heaven realm, just atop the world. It was a surreal experience, to be stood on clouds. He was leaning back against one of the pillars in the huge castle that would be his dwelling for the rest of this war. Heaven was basically just a huge city on the clouds; not actually that spectacular when you see it in person. Unless you’re a christian. Michael was more of a satanist.
He would be smoking a cigarette, if they hadn’t all been confiscated off of him. It was heaven. Angels didn’t know how to have fun. Michael wondered what they even did to pass time, if they weren’t writing poetry or drinking black coffee. Just.. sit around and lick God’s pussy? What fags.
“Hey.”
He heard a voice from nearby, prompting him to turn his head. A shorter girl was stood beside him. He recognised the blonde, wavy hair and bimbo-ish makeup.
“You always smoke. You got any?” She narrowed her eyes at him, as if trying to detect cancer-sticks.
“Uh.. no.” Michael folded his arms, “They took it all off of me.”
“Urgh..” She moved her hands to mess up her own hair in distress, “This literally is so shit— whose idea even was this?”
“They picked fucking Mercedes Benzié, the queen of Raisins, to help aid Heaven in a war?” Michael scoffed to himself, “That’s a laugh.”
“I can’t even get annoyed at you for that.. I don’t want to be here at all.” Mercedes looked around, tugging her brown jacket over her body a bit more.
She eventually looked back at him, glancing him up and down, “You look a bit too.. goth for heaven.”
“I am too goth for heaven.” He rubbed his face, the ring on his middle finger glistening in the heavenly light, “I don’t know why I’m here.”
“They said they chose us because we had the most ‘capability of holding and maintaining power’— what does that even mean?” Mercedes hugged her own body with a glare, directed at nobody in particular, “There has got to be a way out of here.”
“If you find it, let me know.”
However, there were some people that were a lot more happy about it than Michael and Mercedes.
“Oh, my parents would be so proud.” Gary Harrison admired his new wings, standing in the lobby part of the large castle with a few others.
His wings were not large.. but holy, nonetheless, and in his eyes, a badge to show his devotion and loyalty to God.
“I do have to say..” The more British, charismatic character spoke up, who was sitting on the sofa with one leg crossed over the other, “I am not surprised I was chosen for this.”
“Of course you say that.” Wendy Testaburger, from beside him, exhaled annoyedly.
The whole task of being a soldier for heaven, she didn’t mind, but having to put up with fucking Gregory Vanderbilt Bellaflores? It left an ugly frown on her lips. Not to mention the ‘friendly Mormon nice-guy Gary!’. Gary wasn’t a bad guy or secretly sinister like Gregory was.. but he was annoying. And then there was the little kid.
“This is faggy.” Georgie spoke up.
“…”
They all silently stared at him, as he sat on the floor, looking away with a sour expression.
“.. that’s.. not a very nice word.” Gregory’s eyes became slits, clearly disturbed by the boy’s choice of wording.
“I don’t care, you British bitch.”
“…” Gregory was stunned to silence.
The gothic boy got up, “I’m going to find Michael.”
“Georgie,” Wendy knew the boy, since he used to be friends with Stan. She had a tired expression as she outstretched a hand, trying to call him before he could storm off.”
“It’s Firkle.” He shot a dirty scowl at Wendy before walking out of the lobby.
“…” Gary had a worried expression on his face, letting out a nervous chuckle, “.. I suppose not everyone can be of faith, right?”
“I don’t think most of the people who got chosen want to be here.” Wendy played with her hair, sitting on the armrest of the sofa, “My sister doesn’t want to be here.”
“Sister?” Gary tilted his head, turning his attention away from the goth boy who stormed off.
“Yeah.. shes a Raisins worker.”
“The blonde one?” Gregory raised a judging brow.
Wendy didn’t enjoy talking to the cunning Gregory, but humoured his presence in the conversation anyways, “No. The black-haired one.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I saw her.” Gary allowed the corners of his lips to tilt upwards, “Isn’t she named after a car of some sort?”
“Porsche.” Wendy nodded, “Her name is Porsche.”
“Mm..” Gregory hummed, “Where is she?”
“I think she went to her room.”
They had all been assigned rooms in the castle, as they were going to help in the battle. Gary beamed at the reminder that they were given rooms. It was a great opportunity. Gregory thought the same, but not for the same reason. There was a certain boy that he was particularly interested in.
By the next day, Satan had visited Earth to ‘tempt’ people into following him rather than heaven. He basically made a huge sob story about how his son’s love is something that shouldn’t be shunned or turned now, and made heaven out to be the villains. He, himself, needed a few people to aid him. So, he picked out a few people who he knew would be willing. And guess what? They were all residents of South Park.
“Well, I always had the idea that I would end up here.” None other than Big Gay Al waved his hands on the armchair that he sat on.
Hell had a realm and a castle too, with rooms that the chosen ones would be using as well. The only difference is that the setting was a lot more dark and also.. hot. And no, not sexy hot. But genuinely hot. There was fire everywhere.
“Same.” The more gothic boy, which was sat on the floor by one the other armchairs, which was already taken, ran a hand through his side fringe, “To be honest.. I think I’d be surprised if I didn’t wind up here.”
“This kind of sucks, though.” Kenny McCormick, who was sat on the armchair that the goth boy leant again, rested his head against his fist, “I didn’t want to be in a war.”
The set up for Hell’s allies wasn’t surprising in the slightest. Pete studied the large lobby through his black hair that covered half of his face.
“Is it really just us?” Pete cocked his head, “Aside from demon-boy and the British guy, it’s literally just us three.”
“Not as many people are willing to come to Hell.” Al responded, using his finger to stroke his false lashes back up, “There will probably be more later on.”
“The people of South Park should be down here. They just aren’t willing to come down here.” Kenny agreed.
They all went silent for a moment.
“.. so, what happens if we lose?” Pete curiously asked, “.. do we get compensation for the inconvenience?”
“Hopefully.” Kenny rubbed his face, an annoyed look appearing on his face, “They separated me from my boyfriend for this.”
“Saaaame..” Al grew an annoyed look of his own, “They didn’t mention whether we get to go down and see them or not.”
Pete hugged his knees to his chest. He didn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Not yet, at least.
“They fucking took Kinny!” Cartman exclaimed, lazily laying back on his sofa.
“We know.” Kyle sat in the ground, looking up at the fatass, “We were all there when he got chosen.
“Look on the bright side of things.” Stan, who sat on the other side of the sofa shrugged, “The British fuck got taken to Heaven, so he might die.”
“Only you care about that guy, dude…” Kyle’s lips moulded themselves into a frown.”
“Wendy is stuck with him.” Stan reminded them both.
“You aren’t even dating Wendy anymore..”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t care about her.” Stan sniffled dramatically, “What if she kills herself?”
“Shut up, homo.” Eric chewed on the chips he was eating, “What do we do about Kinny?”
“.. nothing? There’s nothing we can do.” Kyle stood up, putting his hands on his hips, “He’s stuck in Hell now. He was probably going to end up there anyway.”
“Y’know they took two raisins girls to Heaven? They also took two of the goth kids.” Eric laughed to himself, changing to topic slightly.
“I know.” Stan inhaled, “It doesn’t look good for them.”
“They also took your ex boyfriend.”
“…” Stan furrowed his eyebrows, “.. Gary isn’t my ex boyfriend. Fuck off.”
“How’d you know I was talking about Gary?” Cartman smirked.
“I’m not entertaining you anymore.” Stan looked away.
“.. so who do you guys think is gonna win?” Kyle curiously asked.
“Hell.” Both Cartman and Stan replied almost immediately, not having any doubt in their words.
“Well..” Tolkien held his steering wheel, making a turn.
He was driving everyone to school in one of his many vehicles. Craig, Clyde, Tweek and Jimmy were all inside.
“.. atleast none of us got taken, right?” Tolkien forced a smile.
“This still sucks.” Craig leant back in the front seat, “They took Kenny.”
“You don’t care about Kenny.” Clyde stated.
“Yeah.. but he supplied my shit.”
“Y-Y-Your weed?” Jimmy asked curiously.
“Yeah.” Craig nodded, carelessly resting his feet on the car’s dashboard. Tolkien didn’t bother to scold him.
“They t-t-took two of the r-raisins girls, aswell.” Jimmy recalled, looking out of the window, “It was M-Mercedes and P-Porsche.”
“Those two?” Clyde sulked, “They were the hottest ones…”
“I-I think Douchebag also got taken— ACK!” Tweek twitched in the car seat, “What if they all DIE?”
“They aren’t gonna die, honey.. it’s fine.” Craig attempted to comfort his boyfriend.
“D-Douchebag can manage.” Jimmy thought to himself, “H-He’ll kickass. It almost m-m-makes me jealous.”
“I thought the same thing!” Clyde wagged his finger at Jimmy, as if Jimmy made a fantastic point, “They get in on all the action while we just have to, what, watch? I wanna fight!”
“Clyde, there is a very good reason that you weren’t picked.” Tolkien grimaced.
Everything fell silent for a bit before Craig cleared his throat.
“Put on some music. Let’s not think about it.”
“I don’t think we spoke very much before…”
Dovahkiin stared at the blonde boy that was at his door. Gregory was leaning on the doorframe, smiling. It annoyed Dovah.
“When we were down on earth, I mean.” Gregory looked the brunette up and down.
“…” Dovahkiin remained silent, as he usually did.
“Not a talker?” Gregory’s smile became wider, “That’s fine. I can work with that. May I come in?”
Gregory had a fascination with the silent boy. Dovahkiin, admittedly himself, also had a fascination of his own with Gregory. They were both two sly teenage boys, and very suspicious of each other. So.. Dovahkiin shifted out of the way of the door, nodding his head for Gregory to enter.
When they began to talk, Gregory seemed almost infatuated with Dovahkiin, which made Dovahkiin feel rather.. odd. And not ‘Odd’ in a good way.
Gregory was sat on one of the armchairs, stroking his hair back, ”So.. what’s your opinion on the Celestial Order that they have put in place for us? Do you feel like it could be improved at all?”
Dovahkiin, being himself, of course, didn’t respond, and just stared at Gregory as he went to sit on his bed.
“Ah, I see… no answer, huh? A true sign of intellectual caution.. or a subtle protest against the divine hierarchy? I should let you know that I respect that. I could learn a lot from you.” A grin pinched at Gregory’s cheeks.
Needless to say, Gregory was overly impressed by Dovahkiin, not doubting the idea that Dovahkiin was highly intelligent. But he was also rather suspicious. Could Dovahkiin be up to something? After all, he had a reputation of swapping sides. Later that night, in a Journal that Gregory was keeping, he wrote ‘Possible internal revolt?’. It was important to document someone like Dovah.. as Gregory was now calling him.
“I can’t be bothered with this..” Michael stared at himself in his mirror, checking out the armour that Heaven provided them with.
It was uncomfortable, and unnecessary. Not unnecessary for war, but unnecessary in general, since there should’ve never been a war in the first place.
“Look on the dark side…” Firkle, who was sitting on Michael’s bed, spoke up, “There’ll probably be a lot of bloodshed.”
“Killing demons is kind of Goth.. but I’d rather be killing Angels.” A faint smirk played on Michael’s lips, turning around to look at Firkle, “Pete’s lucky.”
“Oh, yeah, Pete’s working for Hell, isn’t he? He probably won’t kill anything, though..”
“Yeah, true..” Michael lost his smirk, jerking his head in agreement, “Pete’s not that kind of person.”
“I saw you talking to that Raisins chick earlier, as well.” Firkle pointed out, deciding to play around with Michael, “You into her?”
“Shut up.” Michael chuckled to himself, “She was asking if I had any cigs.”
“She smokes?” Firkle raised a brow, but didn’t seem surprised.
“Guess so. She was talking about finding a way out of here.”
“They won’t let us leave.” Firkle stated firmly, “Heaven needs allies.”
“Yeah.. I know. It’s a low chance.”
“Also.. after I left the lounge room of this castle, one of the angels came up to me.” He reached into his jacket pocket, “They gave me this.”
He held up a small, colourful book. Michael narrowed his eyes, unable to read the title from across the room.
“Is it a bible?”
“No.” Firkle turned it around and read out the title, “‘History of Heaven and All That Is Divine’.”
“No way.”
Firkle opened the book and skimmed through a few pages, reading out one of the titles, “‘How Heaven Heroically Invented Rainbows And Also Definitely Never Committed War Crimes’… insane.”
“This feels like White Supremacy somehow.” Michael frowned.
“Yeah, no, this is definitely gonna be in a documentary some day.”
“I also got told they’re gonna make us learn Heavenly songs or something.” Michael groaned, “I feel like such a gaywad..”
“Pete’s fucking lucky, man.”
“Yeah..”