Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dear diary,

It's been hard without El. But what scares me is that it's been even harder without Will. I mean, of course I love El and I already miss her but Will has been in my life since we were five. It feels strange not having him here. I feel kind of empty.

I've been feeling guilty about missing my best friend more than my girlfriend so I've been writing to El a lot. Not so much to Will. I can't really say why—I guess I'm afraid it would be weird. 

It is weird, honestly. The way I feel about him. I can't even describe it. I never felt this way when Dustin left and he's my best friend too. I don't know what's happening. I was kind of hoping that if I didn’t reach out, Will would. But he hasn’t. I miss him a lot but it feels wrong to tell him that.

Chapter Text

Dear diary,

in El's last letter, she said there might be someone Will likes. Good for him, honestly. It's about time. I was just a little surprised, I guess. I kind of want to know who it is but at the same time I'd rather stay curious. Does that make sense? I don't know. I feel like nothing I say makes sense anymore, not since he and El moved away.

The spring break is coming and I can't wait to see El—but why do I feel so nervous about seeing Will again? I miss him so much and I really want to see his face again, but my stomach flips anytime I imagine it. What if we don't have anything to talk about anymore? What if this girl he likes made him forget about me? God, I sound insane. I can't believe my own words.

Maybe I’d deserve it, though. I was horrible to Will when I first started dating El. At least then I’d know what it feels like—a taste of my own medicine.

I keep wondering what the painting looks like. I miss Will's drawings. He used to doodle in class all the time when he was bored. I miss the way his face looked when he was focused. Sometimes he’d stick out the tip of his tongue, and it always almost made me laugh. I don’t even know why I remembered that just now.

Either way, I can’t shake this weird anxiety about the trip. I just hope it all goes okay.

Chapter Text

Dear diary,

The reunion was horrible. Not with El—she was great. I gave her the flowers, we kissed, and it was perfect. But then I saw him. I wanted to hug him so bad, but for some reason I just… couldn’t. I ended up just patting him on the back like an idiot.

Then I asked about the painting. Why would he even bring it to the airport? It’s not like he was going to see his new girl there—whoever she is. He didn’t really give me an answer. I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose, just to get a reaction out of me.

El took us to Rink-O-Mania, and I kind of acted like a total asshole. I can see that now. But I don’t know… I was trying to be a good boyfriend to El, and somehow I ended up being the one who wanted a reaction out of Will this time. I don’t even understand why.

After I found out El’s been lying to me, me and Will had a small fight. He said he’s been third-wheeling all day and that I never write to him, and he sounded genuinely hurt. But instead of apologizing, I just got mad. He hasn’t been reaching out either, so why is it all on me? It’s not my fault he’s too busy pining over some girl to even remember me.

And then… when we finally found El, Angela was there. On the ground. Covered in blood. It was horrifying. I can’t believe El did that. I hate to admit it, but it actually scared me a little.

The ride home was quiet and uncomfortable. Dinner too. The next morning I tried to make up with El, but somehow we just fought even more. Apparently I don’t say—or write—that I love her. That’s ridiculous, right?

Alright, maybe I don't but I’ve just always thought showing it mattered more than saying it. Before we could even finish talking it through, the police showed up.

Chapter Text

Dear diary,

Things have gone downhill ever since. We’re on our way to God-knows-where to save El. At least Will and I made up. I feel like we’re finally back to where we were before. I mean, I still feel kind of weird around him, but at the same time, it’s… comforting. I’m just glad to have him back.

We’ve talked a lot about my relationship with El. And honestly, I’m not sure it’s working out anymore. I think I just wanted validation—someone to tell me I’m not crazy for thinking that. I didn’t say it outright, of course, and Will didn’t push. He just kept encouraging me to try. He’s really too kind for his own good.

Even if I don’t love El the way a boyfriend should, I still love her the way I love Dustin and Lucas. And I’ll do anything to find her and save her.

Chapter Text

Dear diary,

I’m fucking confused. The painting was for me—and it’s incredible. I thought it was for a girl like El said, but this was better than anything I could’ve imagined. Apparently she commissioned it, which is sweet, but Will’s the one who put in all the time, the work, the love.

I really did miss his art. I’ll keep that painting forever. Will started talking about how lost El has been without me. Or something like that. Honestly, I wasn’t even listening that much. I tried, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the painting.

It just didn’t make sense. El wrote me about the painting but didn’t say anything about commissioning it. If she wanted to surprise me, why write about it at all? And why was Will the one giving it to me? I snapped out of my trance when I heard his voice breaking.

"El needs you and she always will."

I was so lost I just managed a stupid "Yeah?"

“Yeah.” Will smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Then he turned away. I think he was crying, but I’m not sure. And I can’t even explain why I didn’t do anything.

I don’t understand myself. Why do I keep being such a shitty friend to him? Why can’t I just be normal—just show him the kindness he deserves? It used to be so easy. Why isn’t it anymore?

I thought maybe all of this would go away once I saw El again, but it didn’t. I was relieved—delighted—to see her alive. But I didn’t kiss her. It didn’t feel right. And then I saw Will’s face.

He was happy to see El, just like me. But there was something else in his eyes. Something deeper. Vulnerable. As I stood there, looking between the two of them, I felt my stomach twist.

Friends don’t lie. But what if I’ve been lying this whole time? To El. To Will. And mostly… to myself. Just writing that makes me shake. Makes me feel sick. I don’t want this. I don’t want to feel like this. I just want to be normal. Please.