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Chapter Text

His choice had been quite simple when he was faced with the flutter of papers thrown at his face by Jean in frustration with another one of his many screw ups. 

It had been quite simple when he had his drink snatched away from him, told to get lost by a red man he no longer knew like he used to. 

It had been really simple when he saw the looks of disapproval. The whispers of disdain and a lack of belief that clinged to him like dirt under fingernails. 

It was the most simple when the aching in his chest refused to go away, when he walked home and opened the door to be met with not any company, but rather the overwhelming urge to disappear as he stared at the empty cavern in front of him. 

Nothing had been more simple than the moment he peeled back the layer of foil covering the pack of sleeping pills, popping them one by one into his hand, before downing all of them dry. 

As the sleeping pills combined with the alcohol in his system, exhaustion overtook him, and he didn’t bother to crawl into bed as he knew sleep would come anyways. 

When he awoke, he was standing at Mondstadt’s gate. The scenery was hazy and reminiscent of watercolors, tranquil and vibrant upon a white paper. 

Across the bridge however, laid not the path that led to Windrise, but rather, the familiar winding path that passed through grapevines and met with the Winery in the horizon. 

Standing in the middle of the bridge was a man Kaeya had not physically seen in nearly a decade, but he remained constantly present in his memories that plagued him ever so much. The first Ragnvindr in his life that left. 

“Fath—!” He bit his tongue. No, he couldn’t say it anymore. He didn’t deserve to use that word in front of the man himself after what he had done. 

Crepus Ragnvindr gestured for him to come to him, opening his arms. And for a second— just a second, Kaeya was a boy with scuffed knees and grape-stained sleeves who would run into his Father’s arms after a day of playing with the crystalflies in the orchards. 

But that second passed, and again Kaeya became the man with bruised knees and blood-stained sleeves who had nobody to run towards after years of drinking his guilt away. 

So he walked. With slow and hesitant strides, he reached the middle, and it was Crepus who pulled him into the embrace. Kaeya couldn’t find it within himself to lift his arms up and reciprocate. 

When Crepus finally let go, Kaeya rubbed a few tears away from his eye. 

“It seems like I’m always destined to be on the middle of a bridge.” 

Crepus frowned at that, brushing a few strands of hair away from Kaeya’s forehead. When the action made Kaeya’s face crumple as sobs tore from his throat, he pulled him back into his arms, carefully rocking the two of them together as he did many years ago. It didn’t matter that they had been separated by death or that Kaeya had grown up, because he would always be his child, the baby of the family that demanded nothing but deserved everything.  

Kaeya held back this time, gripping onto his Father’s shirt as he cried. All the pain and loneliness he had buried deep inside himself came to light in front of the one person who he didn’t have to pretend for anymore.

And maybe, just maybe, the fact that he hadn’t been hugged in years is what broke him. 

He sobbed ugly, with hitching breaths and red puffy eyes and keening cries and voice cracks every time he tried to utter a word. The type of crying he knew would break his Father’s heart the same way his own heart was already broken.

“Dad,” he cried. “I messed up.” 

“It’s alright.” Crepus soothed, pressing a kiss onto Kaeya’s head. 

“No you don’t understand— I hid something terrible from you and ‘Luc for so long and then I told him and I ruined everything and I just— ever since that day I keep failing and failing and becoming worse and worse and I didn’t know what to do anymore so I took those sleeping pills and I…” 

“It’s not your fault. It never was.” His father said, shaky fingers stroking Kaeya’s back. “You were just a child, and that man put so much on your shoulders and abandoned you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just a child who wanted and deserved love like any other.” 

“It’s my fault for hiding it.” 

“You were scared. It’s understandable that you didn’t tell anyone.” 

‘Scared.’ Kaeya thought, resisting the urge to laugh bitterly at the thought. Right. He had been scared back then. 

Why had he been so scared? It was so stupid. He hadn’t known that the reality he faced everyday was far more scary than that pathetic secret. Having no real friends or family was the scariest thing to face. Going home everyday to an empty house— that was scary. The thoughts and nightmares that continued to plague him every night, those were truly scary. 

And to think his initial fear of telling the truth caused this. Maybe if he had just come clean sooner, when father was alive maybe, things would be different. Or maybe, just maybe, if he had stayed a coward and taken it to the grave, things would be fine. 

But he had done neither, so here he was. 

“Diluc doesn’t seem to think that.” He mumbled. 

“Hm?” Crepus asked. 

“Diluc doesn’t think it’s understandable. He hates me because of it.” Justifiably. 

“He doesn’t hate you. He never could. He doesn’t have the heart to hate anyone, let alone you.” 

“Maybe that used to be true, but things have changed. You haven’t seen what happened after—“

“I know I haven’t seen it for myself, but I can understand what happened. It was poor timing on your part and a poor reaction on his part, but that doesn’t mean either of you deserve this. You don’t deserve to live the rest of your life in solitude and misery as some form of penance, and he doesn’t deserve to push you away out of regret.” 

He took a breath as he choked. “Rather— I deserve the suffering you boys have been through. Everything is my fault. I’m the one who hid the delusion and my mistakes cost me not only my life but it stole the light from your lives and that— that is something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for.” 

“Father…” Kaeya started speaking, before trailing off. He didn’t know what to say. If he were a better son, like Diluc, he might have comforted his Father and told him that wasn’t true, but he wasn’t. He had thought the same things many times during cold and angry nights when he was breaking down and needed someone to blame. 

He took a deep breath, unclenching his fist that he hadn’t even realized was clenched in the first place. There was no point in agonizing and blaming himself or either of his fathers. Not anymore. 

“...Where are we?” he asked, wiping his eyes. “The afterlife?” 

Crepus paused, shaking his head sheepishly. “Sort of. It’s complicated.” 

“Well?” 

“This is, quite literally, the bridge between life and death, my boy.” Crepus chuckled weakly. 

“So— am I actually dead?” Kaeya asked, a bit confused. 

“No, you aren’t.” Crepus shook his head. “Not yet.” 

“Not yet? I’m sorry, I’m still confused.” 

“Kaeya,” Crepus placed his hands on Kaeya’s shoulders. “I hate to do this to you, but the reason you’re here right now is because you have to make a big choice.” 

Kaeya remained silent, continuing to listen. 

“As of right now, from what I’ve been informed by—” he sighed, “—Barbatos, you’ve been in a coma for two months in the living world. Essentially meaning that you’ve been half dead to the world for a while.” He paused, swallowing thickly. “Now, you must choose whether you want to live or die. If you cross the bridge towards the winery, you’ll die, and you will be able to stay with me in the afterlife. If you cross the bridge back to Mond, you’ll wake up from your coma and continue your life.” 

Kaeya stood there, speechless. His hands trembled ever so slightly. 

He had to choose? 

Why? Why him? Why was he always faced with such impossible questions of picking opposite sides? 

He closed his eyes tightly, before opening them again and looking at his Father. 

“Haven’t I already chosen? I mean, I took those pills for a reason. Why must I choose again? How is that fair?” 

“Kaeya, that’s— it just doesn’t work like that.” His father replied, pained. 

“Why not?” He asked. 

“You— you weren’t in the right state of mind when you did that. Your soul was extremely damaged, hence why it took you two months to even get to this point. Your soul was repairing itself during that time.” Crepus said stiffly, unhappy with the current situation.

“…I understand, but how am I supposed to—“ He stopped, hands falling flat at his sides. 

How was he supposed to choose? 

His lip quivered, in that pathetic childish way it always did when he was overcome with the urge to cry. 

Crepus’s eyes softened as he looked at his son. He slowly sat on the ground, back against the railing of the bridge, and he patted the space next to him. 

“Come, sit down.” He smiled. “Let’s talk for a bit first. You don’t have to choose right this second. We can stay on this bridge as long as you need.” 

Kaeya sat down next to him, crossing his legs. 

“What did you want to talk about?” He asked, giving a lopsided awkward smile. 

“To start off, let’s talk about you. You’ve grown up so much since…” he trailed off. “You’ve gotten so tall.” 

Kaeya chuckled awkwardly. 

“What have you been up to lately?” 

“Well… I am the Cavalry Captain now, but it’s only because Diluc quit and they needed a quick replacement.” He shrugged sheepishly. 

Crepus hummed. Kaeya stared at him, a bit baffled. He imagined that if Crepus had been alive he would be disappointed to hear that Diluc had ended up leaving the Knights. Kaeya had even thought many times about how Crepus would think that he was a parasite, stealing Diluc’s place, had he been alive. 

“And? Anything else?” Crepus asked calmly.

“Well, Diluc manages the winery now and he’s pretty good at it. He’s doing well, by the way, in case you were wondering. He hates drinking himself, but he’s really good at making drinks, so business goes well even if he’s behind the counter… He’s still a bit reckless though, and he keeps doing midnight vigilante work— but he has people that help him out and he never puts himself in too much danger, thankfully.” Kaeya smiled lightly. 

“I see. That’s lovely to hear, but I was asking about you, Kaeya. Not about Diluc.” 

“Oh.” He paused. 

He had thought that Crepus would only want to hear about his “real” son, so he had just started rambling in an attempt to make him happy. 

“…Me, huh?” He sighed, staring at the rocks on the bridge while playing with his fingers. “I’m alright. I don’t really have anything special to say about myself.” 

“That’s alright, Kaeya. You don’t have to tell me about anything special, I just want to know what’s been going on in your life, my son.” 

“My life… It’s… complicated.” He took a breath. “I mean, outwardly, I guess I’m doing okay. I have a good job, a house— I’m financially stable, and rather well off, and I did it without any of my inheritance, so at least I’m successfully able to be independent? Some people like me well enough, and I do have friends, but we aren’t really that close. We drink together sometimes.” He smiled a little. “…I guess I drink a little too much though. I try not to, but it makes me feel better, I suppose. Not being able to think about things too much.” 

“Why? What are you trying to avoid thinking about?” Crepus asked. 

“My life— or rather, what I’ve done to it.” He answered. “It’s hard to not feel miserable more often than not. It feels like I had everything I could have ever wanted, and now it’s all gone, and that… sometimes it’s too painful of a reality for me to face. So I drink that way I don’t have to.” 

“Kaeya—”

“I know it must be disappointing for you to hear this from me. I’m sorry.” Kaeya cut him off, avoiding eye contact. 

“I’m not disappointed in you, Kaeya.” Crepus stated firmly, staring at Kaeya with blazing certainty in his eyes— meaning he was serious about every word he said… 

“Shouldn’t you be?” Kaeya asked quietly. That determination, that faith Crepus had in him was something Kaeya felt he didn’t deserve to accept. 

He looked at Kaeya, until Kaeya finally looked back, and shook his head. “No. You’ve never once disappointed me.” 

“Do you resent me?” He asked. “Do you hate me for everything that happened with ‘Luc?” 

Crepus sighed shakily, leaning over and pulling Kaeya into a hug. 

“What nonsense.” He lightheartedly chuckled, wiping away a stray tear from his eyes. “How could I ever hate you?” 

“…” 

Kaeya fought the urge to cry pathetically. 

“I think— I think I’ve made my choice, Father.” 

And he truly had. If he could be loved, and wanted, and happy once again— the choice was quite simple. After years of being a worn down and bruised soul, it was quite simple for him to desperately stick to the feeling of being loved despite who he is. 

… 

It was really simple when Kaeya slowly stood up, dusting his knees and giving his father a hand.

It was the most simple decision he had ever made in his life, he thought, telling his father that he would cross the bridge with him, towards the side of death. 

Crepus seemed a little sad about his choice, but he forced a smile, showing his support in whatever Kaeya decided. 

So the two of them walked, and Crepus crossed over the bridge to the other side. 

And truly, as Kaeya crossed the halfway point of the bridge, nothing else could have been as simple of a choice. 

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Until he heard a scream. A scream which was coated in deep grief and desperation. 

As he looked back towards the bridge, which was slowly beginning to crumble, he heard it. 

Kaeya.

Please don’t leave me. 

I’m begging you. 

You can’t die on me, not like this. 

Please Barbatos, please do something. 

Don’t take my little brother away.

He could hear it clearly— the sound of someone desperately trying to latch onto a miracle. The sound of Diluc desperately pleading for anyone or anything to save Kaeya. 

He could feel the hands roughly shaking him in the real world, trying to make him wake up before it was too late. He could feel the trembling hand squeezing his own limp hand tightly, along with tears splattering onto his face. 

And in an instant, everything was quiet again, except for the quiet sound of the bridge crumbling apart, brick by brick neatly falling into the endless sky below. 

He looked at his father, and looked at the bridge again, and suddenly, things didn’t seem as simple anymore. 

He took a step back, turning around and seeing a sizable gap between the two parts of the bridge. 

He ran a little bit, jumping and landing on the bridge, scraping his knees and hands against the stones.

“Father, I’m sorry, but I changed my mind.” He said quickly, huffing as he stood up, smiling tearfully at Crepus. 

Crepus smiled back, genuinely at peace, as he wiped tears away from his face. 

The bridge began to crumble more rapidly.

“Take care of yourself!” He shouted. “I’ll always be with you, Kaeya!” 

Kaeya laughed a bit, before shouting back and waving, “I’ll see you next time, father!” 

And just like that, the bridge collapsed. 

Kaeya’s eyes shot open as he immediately sat up, extremely disoriented. The world was spinning as he glanced around, piecing together where he was in fragments of glances. 

He felt sick. Really, really sick. 

He was in the Cathedral, in the critical care unit— that much he could barely make out, as people began to swarm him. 

He could feel someone putting a needle in his arm, as someone else monitored his heartbeat. Someone stuck a bucket over his lap, and he promptly threw up whatever limited amount of fluids were already in his body, along with some blood. 

His vision was blurry with black spots, but he could make out Diluc who seemed to be frantically asking the doctor questions. 

His vision blurred again, and a sharp piercing pain struck his chest. He winced, and weakness overtook him as he struggled to keep himself sitting upright. Someone leaned him back against the pillow, but instructed him not to sleep in a muffled voice as they stuck something else into his arm. 

The swaying shapes in his vision became too disorienting, and Kaeya closed his eyes. Someone promptly started tapping him on the face and neck with two fingers, telling him not to sleep. 

It was then that he managed to just barely find his voice. 

“Not sleep… ev’rything blurry… hurts… to keep… open.” 

The weakness he could audibly hear in his voice, as well as the way he struggled to even speak was surprising. 

His brain was thinking fine, but his body and senses wouldn’t cooperate with him. 

He could hear Diluc’s muffled voice, panicked and constantly asking frantic questions. He wanted to reassure him, but he didn’t have the strength. 

It was then that he felt that Diluc was holding his hand, so he lightly squeezed. 

“Kaeya? What’s wrong—?! Does something hurt—?!”

“‘Luc, I'm fine. Don’t— cry,” he said weakly, just barely opening his eyes as he looked at his brother. 

That didn’t seem to work, as Diluc only started shaking him roughly, shouting his name, as more hands began to grab onto him. 

“I’m… fine…” he said, quieter than he intended. He gently stroked Diluc’s hand again, eyes closing for just a second. 

“Kaeya—! Stay with me! Kaeya, come on!” 

‘But I’m right here..?’ He thought, listening to the people begging him to stay. 

“Hey—! Don’t fall asleep!” He could feel someone, most likely a doctor rapidly trying to wake him up. 

‘I’m not asleep…’ he thought. ‘My eyes are just closed.’

“Listen to me! Kaeya, please, wake up!!” 

‘But I am listening… I am awake.’ 

He could feel himself being laid down properly on the bed as hands began to pump on his chest. 

“One, two, three, four—!”

The numbers suddenly skipped forward.

“Twenty-nine, thirty—!”

Then there were lips on his lips, pushing air into his lungs. And then some more counting. Then more lips— then some more muffled counting— and then there was nothing. 

. 

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. 

The next time he opened his eyes, it was gradually. He slowly sat up in bed, rubbing them, before coughing weakly into his elbow. Somebody gently sat him up and handed him a small glass of water, urging him to drink it slowly. He slowly looked around the room, processing where he was. 

“Your condition finally stabilized last night, so it was only a matter of time before you woke up.” The— presumably— doctor, spoke. He put on his gloves, before coming closer to Kaeya. 

He began to touch Kaeya’s arms, squeezing them gently. It was then Kaeya realized he had multiple IVs stuck into his skin. 

“Your muscle density looks good, considering you were in a coma for two months. Obviously, you’ve lost muscle, but not enough to keep you paralyzed. Your brother has been taking great care of you.” 

“I was in a coma for two months?”

“Oh, forgive me. I forgot to explain things to you.” The doctor shook his head. “Unfortunately, you were. You had an overdose of sleeping pills, paired with a significant amount of alcohol in your bloodstream. You were found unconscious in your bedroom approximately three days afterwards, and brought here, where we determined you were comatose.” He carefully touched Kaeya’s legs. “You were in that state for two months, but yesterday evening you suddenly woke up. Your heart overloaded, and you essentially had a heart attack. However it was something we were able to manage, and now you are stable.” 

“Oh… I see.” Kaeya replied, quietly. 

The doctor touched his neck. When Kaeya looked at him in confusion, he chuckled.

“Typically, coma patients— especially ones who have been in long term comas like yourself— lose a significant amount of their muscle due to inactivity.” He explained. “That leaves them paralyzed even after they wake up, however, in your case, your brother has been coming here every day to essentially give you basic physical therapy, by massaging and moving your body.” He smiled. “I was skeptical about how long he’d be able to keep it up, since he needed to give up fifteen minutes every hour for at least 12-16 hours a day— especially considering how busy Master Diluc of all people is, but he managed.” He mused. “Anyways, that means that you should be able to walk, even if it’s only— let’s say, up and down the stairs.” 

“That’s it?” Kaeya asked, struggling to understand everything. 

It was hard enough to fathom Diluc stopping by, every hour nonetheless, and carefully checking and making sure Kaeya’s body would be in good condition. 

It was even harder to fathom how weak he was. 

“That’s quite a lot for someone in your condition. You can still make your way around your house, albeit slowly, so don’t be too upset about it. You’ll get better with consistent physical therapy.” 

“…I understand.” Kaeya said quietly. 

“Well then,” the doctor clapped, smiling politely. “You sit tight and I’ll go read your reports. If everything looks normal you can be discharged by evening. I’ll come back and let you know.” 

The door clicked shut and Kaeya stared out the window, looking at the clouds and greenery around. 

He could remember his conversation with his father, but everything honestly seemed like a dream.

He stared at the blue sky before looking back at his palms. 

His choice…

Suddenly, the door opened, but this time it wasn’t the doctor. 

Kaeya watched Diluc as he entered the room, coming straight to his bed. 

He looked… different. His hair was frizzy, his eyes had deep black circles under them, and he looked like there was exhaustion sunken deep into his bones. 

“Kaeya?” He asked, looking over him with an unreadable expression. 

“Yes?” He answered. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked cautiously, eyes holding back a flicker of something that had seemed to be dead. Perhaps hope? Joy? Relief? 

“I’m okay. Tired, but I think I’m fine.” Kaeya answered, smiling pleasantly. 

It seemed that was what did Diluc in as he fell to the side of Kaeya’s bed, immediately squeezing him in a hug. He was careful to not hold him too tightly, but his hands shook as he buried his face in Kaeya’s shoulder and cried. 

“I love you so much,” He cried, gently caressing Kaeya’s hair with his right hand as the other continued to hold his back. “I was so scared, Kaeya.” His whole body tremored. “Two months. It was two months you were gone and you—“ he choked, “You nearly died, Kaeya— I almost lost you!” 

Kaeya carefully placed a hand on Diluc’s back, patting it slowly. 

Diluc lifted his head to look at Kaeya, eyes bloodshot, and his face crumbled again as he looked into Kaeya’s eyes. His head fell forward as he cried in stuttering breaths. He tenderly grabbed Kaeya’s other hand and pressed a shaky kiss to his knuckles. 

Kaeya’s own eyes welled up with tears at the action, and he continued to reassure Diluc. 

“I’m sorry, Kaeya.” Diluc choked. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that you would be pushed to do something like— like that.” He apologized, breath hitching. “I should have been kinder to you, I shouldn’t have said so many cruel things to you. I shouldn’t have taken you for granted.” He swallowed, guilt encompassing him. “It shouldn’t have taken you being in a coma for me to finally realize just how much I allowed bitterness and regret to taint our relationship. I’m so sorry.” 

“…It’s okay. I could say the same thing. It’s not like I was the perfect brother. I failed you so many times, and you don’t need to forget the pain I caused you just because I ended up like this.” He gestured to himself. “You don’t have to stop hating me just because you pity me.”

Diluc looked at him, wiping his eyes. 

“Hate you?” He asked, bewildered. “Do you really think I hate you?” 

“…I—“ 

He remembered what his father said. 

He doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t have the heart to hate anyone, let alone you.

And truly, it made sense. Would someone who hated him feel so remorseful and distressed over his condition? Would they take so much time out of their precious day just to help treat him? 

Maybe their relationship was sharp and jagged at times, and a big mess, but there was no hatred to be seen.

He looked at Diluc and smiled. 

“No, I don’t.” 

It had been a couple of days since Kaeya had woken up. He had been recovering at the winery since he had been discharged. 

The fresh air, lively atmosphere, and company was sure to make him get better faster.

Countless people had stopped by to see him. Jean, Lisa, Rosaria— hell, even Lumine, who came back especially to see him.

He had countless flowers, stuffed animals, and gifts lying on his nightstand. So many people wanted him to get better soon. 

So he was trying his hardest. He pushed himself in physical therapy, pushed himself mentally, and he did it with a smile on his face. Not because he was pretending, but because he was attempting to be better. 

…

He hadn’t told Diluc about Father. He didn’t know how to bring it up, nor how he’d react— but maybe he would someday. 

Speaking of his Father— one day, after physical therapy at the Cathedral, he went to visit his grave. He hadn’t taken any of the nurses with him, so it had been a struggle to make it that far. By the time he had got there, it had begun to drizzle. 

His legs had been exhausted, so he fell sat down on the cobblestone. The rain dripped down his face. 

“You know, maybe being on a bridge isn’t so bad.” He murmured, talking to the grave. “I think by being on it, I finally got the chance to choose something for myself.” 

Normally when he visited, he’d bring a bottle and “share” it with Crepus, but today he had nothing. 

“I suppose I should have brought flowers.” He mused apologetically. 

“But anyways… I think I made the right choice. Thank you for letting me make one to begin with. You didn’t pressure me to pick one over the other.” 

…

“I don’t know what made me choose to live. I still don’t. Was it you? Diluc? My innermost hidden desire to keep living?” He questioned. “I wish I did. Maybe then I’d know…” he trailed off, “…I’d know where I want to go from here. Right now, I’m honestly really lost.”

He smiled wistfully. 

“…I think— I might quit my job. I don’t think I’m cut out to be Cavalry Captain, or a Knight anymore for that matter. I did my job well, I suppose, and for a while I might have liked it, but… I don’t think I have the heart for it anymore.” He wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry if that disappoints you. It makes me sad to think about leaving, but I also believe I should choose something for myself for once. I didn’t choose to be a spy, and I only really just followed in Diluc’s footsteps— doing what Varka and the other higher ups wanted me to do. So I think that— if I’m going to live a new life, in order to live one that is worthwhile, I’m going to leave and try to do something that I— not anyone else— want.” 

He paused. 

“Thank you for listening to me, Father.” 

The drizzling began to slow down, eventually stopping.

He sat silently for a while, until he heard the sound of boots against the ground. He turned around and smiled. 

“So this is where you were.” 

“I just needed some air.” He explained.

“So you decided to get soaked in the rain.” Diluc stated, shaking his head. 

“It was drizzling.” 

“Same thing.” 

“…Why’d you come here?” Diluc asked.

“I wanted to talk to Father. You?” 

“I was looking for you. Rosaria told me she saw you sneaking off over here.” 

“‘Sneaking off’ is a strong way to put it. I just left without telling anyone.” 

“The nurses were worried when they couldn’t find you after therapy.” 

“Oh. Sorry.” Kaeya replied sheepishly. 

“It’s alright.” Diluc nodded. He paused, before sitting down next to Kaeya. 

“Your clothes are going to get dirty.” Kaeya stated.

“It’s fine. Speak for yourself.” 

“Do we have to go back home now?” Kaeya asked. 

“We have time. Don’t worry. The carriage isn’t going anywhere.” 

“It’s okay. I was done anyway. Unless you have something you want to say to Father.

“…I heard you.” Diluc said, looking between Kaeya and the grave. “At least, the part about you quitting the Knights. I don’t think Father would be disappointed in you.” 

“You think so?” 

“Knowing him, I think he’d just tell you to do what makes you happy. He did push his dreams onto us, but at the end of the day, he always wanted the best for us.” 

“…Yeah.” Kaeya paused. “You know, I don’t think he’d be disappointed that you left either. I think he’d be proud of you, if he were here.” 

“I don’t know. I don’t think he’d ever be proud of me, after everything I’ve done.” 

“Father wanted you to be a knight not just because of pride and glory. The biggest reason he wanted that was because of values. And you have always upheld your values, no matter what. It’s why you left in the first place.” 

“Values…” Diluc chuckled a bit bitterly. “I’m surprised you think that. I lost sight of my values for a long time.” He said, looking at Kaeya. 

“Huh? What do you mean?” Kaeya asked, clueless. 

“It’s nothing.” Diluc replied, dusting off his knees and standing up. “Let’s go back.” He said. 

When Kaeya struggled to get up, Diluc leaned down, offering a hand. “Do you need me to carry you?” 

“Just help me walk.” Kaeya muttered, embarrassed. 

“Okay.” Diluc smiled ever so slightly. “If you get tired let me know.”

“Okay. The carriage is by the city’s gate, right?” 

“Yes.” 

Kaeya nodded, standing up and walking with Diluc’s support, until they reached the stairs. 

“…” 

Diluc wordlessly kneeled down for Kaeya to climb onto his back. 

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.

.

“What idiot designed this city with so many stairs? This is really poor planning. The Cathedral is the last place that should be so high up.” 

Diluc laughed, hefting Kaeya up. 

“I’m serious! Imagine how many injured and sick people struggle with these stairs! I think I’ll write a petition to Jean to have Klee flatten the stairs into a ramp.”

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“Stop laughing at me!” 

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[The end]

Chapter Text

When Kaeya had come into the Tavern, he had been deliberately picking a fight. He had been unusually prickly, snapping at Diluc when he asked him what he would like to drink, saying, “You already know my damn order.” Diluc grit his teeth and silently served him a Death After Noon, deciding to be the bigger person. Kaeya took the drink and sipped it a little bit before putting it down and silently tracing his finger around the rim, lost in thought. Diluc, though he was busy bartending, noticed. He didn’t like seeing Kaeya so quiet because he wasn’t a quiet person, so when he got a chance, he stepped in front of Kaeya, tapping his finger in front of him to get his attention. Kaeya looked up with a questioning yet tense glance.

“What do you want?” He asked, rather rudely. 

“I needed to talk to you about the intel you said you would give me,” Diluc said, a slight challenge added to his voice, being faced with Kaeya’s attitude. 

“Can I not—” Kaeya took a deep, angry breath. “Can I not sit still for five minutes without someone bothering me about work?”

“What?” Diluc asked. 

“Fuck off, Diluc.” Kaeya muttered under his breath. 

“I beg your pardon?” Diluc asked, as if daring Kaeya to say it again. 

Kaeya took another breath, pinching his brows, before slamming his fist on the counter. “I told you to fuck off, Diluc! Leave me alone.” 

Diluc’s fist clenched, and he wordlessly snatched Kaeya’s glass away from him. 

“If you want to be alone so bad, then get lost and go be alone somewhere.” God forbid he try to show any concern towards that insufferable man; if this was the shameless response he would get. Telling him to “fuck off” in his own tavern was the limit of audacity. 

“...” Kaeya stood up, eye glazing over with some complicated emotion as he looked at his hands, then Diluc, and then he left. 

Diluc didn’t pay any attention to it, too consumed by irritation. 

He hadn’t known at the time just how badly he’d regret that. 

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Three days had passed since then, and Kaeya hadn’t stopped by the tavern yet. Diluc sat in front of his morning tea, frustration broiling within him as he stared at the cup. 

“Have you heard anything from Master Kaeya lately?” Adelinde asked softly, a bit hesitant in case she was opening a can of worms by bringing him up. 

“No, because he’s being petty, letting his personal grudges impact his work,” Diluc replied gruffly. 

“I see,” Adelinde replied quietly, taking a sip of her tea with slightly clammy fingers. 

“I shouldn’t be surprised.” Diluc sighed bitterly. 

“...” 

Adelinde hesitated once more, before reaching over and gently placing her hands over Diluc’s hand.

“...Still. He’s your brother. You should check on him.” She gave a tender smile, reassuringly patting Diluc’s hand. 

Diluc looked at Adelinde, sighing gently, grasping her hand. “...Fine. I’ll do it for you.”

“Thank you, Master Diluc.” 

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So, when he reached Mondstadt, he found himself in front of Kaeya’s house. He knocked a couple of times, fist tightening when there was no response. He knew Kaeya was at home, since his shoes were outside, in front of the door. He knocked harder with a closed fist, essentially banging on the door. 

“Will you stop being so petty and open the damn thing already?” He called out. “It’s not like I want to talk to you either, but your job doesn’t stop just because you don’t want to do it.” 

There was no response. 

Diluc muttered a few curses under his breath before deciding to grab Kaeya’s spare key from under the potted plant on his doorstep and forcing his way in, since Kaeya wouldn’t open the door.

The door clicked open, and Diluc immediately felt a sense of unease at how silent the house was. 

Unconsciously, his walking pace increased as he stopped in front of the living room table, looking at the bottle of wine lying knocked over on top of it. It looked like Kaeya had drank most of it; only about a quarter had been left, and it had spilled. The table and carpet were irreversibly stained. There was a sinking feeling in his chest. Why would Kaeya leave such a mess? Kaeya wouldn’t leave a mess like this.

“Kaeya!” He shouted, worry taking over his heart as there wasn’t even a shuffle in the house as a response. He immediately ran down the hallway towards Kaeya’s bedroom, almost certain that something was deeply wrong. “Kaeya!” He shouted once more, banging on the bedroom door. He tried the handle, but it was locked. “Kaeya, I swear to god, please say something or I’m going to break the door down!” 

There was no response. Diluc slammed into the door with his shoulder until the wood splintered, and it pushed open. 

As his eyes took in the scene in front of him, his heart immediately dropped to his stomach as he saw Kaeya slumped over, unconscious on the floor next to his bed, with an empty pill packet lying next to him. 

“Kaeya!” He shouted again, rushing over and grabbing the younger man by the shoulders. “Fuck— What’s wrong?! Kaeya!” He shook him, begging for a response. There was none, as Kaeya’s head lolled, and blood immediately poured out of his mouth. Diluc screamed in panic, gripping Kaeya tightly to his chest in an embrace. 

“No— no this can’t be happening—! Kaeya, no—! What’s wrong with you?! Why—?!” He sobbed, delicately holding steady Kaeya’s head that seemed so intent on flopping back. His brother was completely limp in his arms. 

“What did you do?” He sobbed desperately. “What did you do to yourself when I wasn’t looking?!” He choked, clutching Kaeya like a lifeline. Blood continued to drip from the corner of Kaeya’s mouth onto Diluc’s shoulder, staining his white shirt.

Diluc heaved, desperately gasping for air as he squeezed Kaeya. 

How could this happen again? How could he fail so miserably? 

He had killed himself. Kaeya had killed himself. He had killed himself within the span of three days, three days in which Diluc hadn’t bothered to try and check on him once.

The last thing Diluc had ever said to him was to get lost and go be alone somewhere, and Kaeya had gone and taken his own life, all alone in his bedroom. 

“Fuck, I didn’t mean it!” He cried bitterly, filled with remorse. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it,” he begged, shaking with Kaeya in his arms. “How could I say such a thing? I take it back— Archons, I take it back.” He pleaded. 

Kaeya was so still— his heart wasn’t beating, and he was so completely still. He was cold. His baby brother was cold.

“No— no, no—” He lamented, breath hitching desperately. “No,” he sobbed, rocking back and forth with Kaeya. 

Suddenly, there was a chiming sound, and Diluc lifted his head. It sounded again, and Diluc got distracted for just a second, eyes roaming around the room, until he saw it. Lying abandoned on the nightstand was Kaeya’s vision, pulsing with a barely visible glow. Diluc shifted, grabbing it and holding it with two trembling hands. It was still glowing, meaning that Kaeya was still alive— even if barely. 

He grabbed Kaeya and brought the vision to his chest, pressing it firmly. The vision chimed louder, and the pulsing blue light grew stronger. 

“Please,” Diluc prayed, tears dripping onto Kaeya’s chest. “Please do something.”

The light continued to pulse steadily until,  after a while, Diluc heard a quiet bump. He quickly placed his hand over Kaeya’s heart, and sure enough, his heart was beginning to beat in the same rhythm as the vision. It was far from an ideal heart rate, but it was something.

“Oh, thank god,” he sobbed, carefully holding Kaeya again. “Please hold on just this once— Let me save you,” Diluc pleaded, pressing a kiss to Kaeya’s head. 

Suddenly, someone entered the room. It was Lisa, frozen in shock upon seeing the scene in front of her. 

“Help,” Diluc choked, looking at her desperately. That snapped her out of it as she immediately got on her knees on Kaeya’s side. 

“What happened?” She asked calmly, though it was obvious from how her brows were furrowed just how tense she was. 

“He overdosed on something, and I think he drank almost an entire bottle of wine as well— but I don’t know what he took.” 

“Okay.” Lisa nodded, checking Kaeya’s pulse. “Do you know when he did it?” 

“No—“ he shook his head, tears falling rapidly down his face, “I haven’t seen him in three days.” 

“Jean sent me because he hasn’t shown up to work for three days.” Lisa noted. “That means he could have taken these any time in the past three days.” She fumbled in her purse and handed Diluc a vial. 

“I am going to go get help.” She stood up, “We don’t know what he took and when, so I can’t give him any potions, but—“ she pointed at the vial she gave Diluc, “—that one is a last resort in case his heart stops or if he stops breathing.” 

Diluc swallowed, nodding, and Lisa ran off. He placed a finger on Kaeya’s neck, constantly mapping his pulse. 

Time seemed to blur until Lisa came back with multiple Knights of Favonius, Barbara, and a Doctor rushed into the room with a stretcher. Diluc helped place Kaeya on the stretcher, and ran with them to the Cathedral, answering the doctor’s questions as Barbara healed Kaeya according to his instructions. 

“Lisa told me what you told her,” the doctor said, huffing a bit as they ran. “Is there anything else?” 

“When I first saw him—“ Diluc answered, voice cracking, “I shook him because he was unconscious, and a lot of blood spilled out from his mouth.” 

The doctor nodded. 

“I thought he was dead, since he was cold and he didn’t have a pulse I could feel, but his vision started making a chiming sound and I saw it was glowing and pulsating, so I brought it to his chest and his heart started beating in tandem with it.” 

“What type of vision does he have?” 

“Cryo.” 

“How old is he?” 

“Twenty-four.” 

“Any medical conditions?” 

“He had moderate asthma when we were children, but our family doctor said he outgrew it.”

“Any medication he was taking?” 

“I don’t—“ It struck Diluc like a blade to the chest to realize he didn’t know the answer anymore. “I don’t know.” 

“Big Brother Kaeya tends to get treated for ailments outside of the Cathedral so nobody confronts him about working while injured or sick, so I don’t know if he is taking anything,” Barbara answered, focus not once shifting off of Kaeya. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s alright.” 

They ran up the final set of stairs, exhausted, before entering the Cathedral, rushing Kaeya to a room. The doctor requested that everyone other than Barbara and his assistants step out, so he can properly dedicate his attention towards Kaeya. 

Diluc paced frantically back and forth while the doctor worked, as time seemed to stretch infinitely, until Jean ran into the hallway and up to him. 

“I heard what happened—“ she choked, tears rolling down her cheeks. “How is he?” 

Diluc shook his head, swallowing thickly. “We don’t know.”

Jean placed a hand over her mouth, holding back sobs— a sentiment which Diluc greatly shared. Lisa tried to comfort her by rubbing her back, but Jean smacked her hand away. 

“I— I can’t— I don’t deserve to be comforted right now.” she cried. “I treated him so badly the last time I saw him and now—“ she broke, nearly crumpling to her knees in guilt. 

Diluc held her steady. 

“What did you do?” He asked calmly. 

“There was a commission— he was supposed to help deliver two letters to two different people, and I gave him the instructions but he ended up accidentally mixing up the letters, and he apologized so much saying he was out of it and that he’d fix things and he had blanked but I—“ her breath hitched and her lips trembled, “I threw the instructions at him and I said if he couldn’t handle simple instructions he shouldn’t show up to work— and I didn’t mean it but I was so stressed and I said it— oh Archons, I said it— and he didn’t show up for three days and I felt so guilty but I didn’t have the guts to face him so I sent Lisa instead and—“ she sobbed, legs giving out. 

“Jean—“ Diluc started, holding her. “It’s okay—“

“It’s not okay— he’s my best friend and I just treated him like trash—“ she choked on her tears.

“It’s not,” Diluc agreed, “But Kaeya wouldn’t want to see you this distraught. I’ve said some horrible things to him as well—“ his voice cracked, “—And I completely understand how guilty you feel, but be strong, for Kaeya’s sake.” He pleaded, a few tears rolling down the bridge of his nose. 

Jean nodded, trying to straighten herself. 

“I’m sorry, my emotions got the better of me.” 

“You don’t have to apologize.” Diluc mumbled, closing his eyes and tilting his head up, sorrow filling him with exhaustion. More tears spilled down his face.

When he heard the doctor exit the room, he opened his eyes and looked at him. 

“I cannot say anything for certain about his condition, but he appears to have stabilized as of now. We need to inspect the scene to figure out exactly what happened to determine our next course of action.”

Diluc nodded slowly, mind going numb. 

“I’ll send my knights immediately,” Jean promised. 

Diluc shook his head. “Don’t send them, we shouldn’t involve too many unnecessary people, since it’s about your Cavalry Captain. We don’t need to risk any classified information being leaked. I’ll go and do it— I’m qualified to do inspections, so it should be fine.” 

“Alright.” Jean nodded. “I’ll be here with Kaeya in the meantime.”

“...Take care of him,” he pleaded, looking at the doctor and Jean.

“I promise,” the doctor swore sincerely, locking eyes with Diluc. “I’ll take the best care of him.” 

Diluc thanked him, and he left. 

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When he reached Kaeya’s house again, he felt nothing as he opened the door and entered. He was completely numb as he entered and began to look around. He blankly noted down the type of alcohol Kaeya had drunk, taking the bottle with him, and as he entered the bedroom, he got down on the floor next to the bed, where Kaeya had been. He grabbed the empty pill packet and put it in the bag he was using to collect useful evidence. Something caught his eye— a single white pill. Kaeya must have dropped this one when he had taken them all. Diluc pocketed the pill. It would be useful to figure out what exactly Kaeya had taken, while the packet would be useful to figure out how much. Diluc numbly looked around the room, trying to see if there was anything else of importance, when his eye caught upon the desk. There was a file placed on top of it. He walked up to the desk, and froze when he saw what it was. His heart thudded and beat strongly in his chest, as trembling fingers grabbed the file. 

No, it was not a letter. Kaeya had not left a suicide note. 

It was the intel Diluc had wanted. Neatly written and organized, placed into a file for Diluc. 

“You fool,” Diluc sobbed, legs giving out under him as he slumped down, clutching onto the desk to try and stay upright. 

Because truly, Kaeya was a fool. 

A kind-hearted, too-nice-for-his-own-good, fool. 

Who cared about the stupid intel?

“He’s being petty, letting his personal grudges impact his work.”

“It’s not like I want to talk to you either, but your job doesn’t stop just because you don’t want to do it.” 

Who cared about work? Who cared about his job?

Kaeya was the most important thing, he always was— and he tried to end everything, but not before making sure he finished his work. 

Diluc swallowed, grief lying thick in his throat. 

‘Please, Barbatos,’ he thought, ‘Give me a chance to fix this.’

Shakily, he stood up. This time, he had a job to do, and he wouldn’t let his misery distract him.

By evening that day, the full light about what had happened was revealed. Three days ago, Kaeya had come home from the tavern, drank almost a whole bottle of dandelion wine, and taken 19 sleeping pills. He had tried to take the whole pack, but he had dropped one. The sleeping pills had been prescribed to him by a doctor in Liyue since Kaeya hadn’t been able to sleep well for a while, but Kaeya never took them. 

They had determined that Kaeya was currently in a coma, and it was uncertain when, if, he’d wake up. 

Diluc had just accepted it silently. There wasn’t anything else he could do. He just needed to look towards the future and continuously wish for Kaeya’s recovery. 

They had hooked Kaeya up to a bunch of tubes, in order to try and give his body the nutrients necessary to survive. They had also imported a machine from Fontaine that could monitor his heart, as well as a couple of other things, to make sure he was still stable.

A few days passed, marking a week since Kaeya would’ve first fallen into a coma in his house, and there was still no sign of him waking up. Diluc overheard two nurses discussing, saying that it was unlikely he’d wake up ever again past the one-week mark, as most of their previous coma patients end up permanently being in a vegetative state, and they end up “pulling the plug” on them. When Diluc asked the doctor, he said that wasn’t the case, but patients tended to deteriorate after the first week. They would rapidly lose muscle, get bed sores, and many other unpleasant things without extremely meticulous care. The nurses tried their hardest, but they couldn’t devote all their attention to one person. So typically, family members did so. The doctor told him the best thing to do would be to hire a personal nurse for Kaeya, since Master Diluc was a busy man, and Diluc thought about it, but he refused. Knowing Kaeya, he’d feel uncomfortable if a stranger were touching his body. So Diluc decided he’d do it, since he frankly didn’t care about how busy he was when Kaeya was lying indefinitely asleep. So, he delegated the winery affairs to Elzer and Adelinde, and he stayed in the city to take care of Kaeya. 

As per medical advice, he was supposed to give Kaeya a massage for fifteen minutes every hour for twelve hours a day. Then he was supposed to give him a sponge bath once a day, as well as make sure he didn’t develop any bed sores or infections. 

He was advised to talk gently to Kaeya while taking care of him, as sometimes patients can still feel sensations even if unconscious. It was awkward at first, and Diluc felt extremely clumsy, but the doctor told him that he was doing a good job. 

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Often, Diluc found himself reflecting on a lot of things. Sometimes, he’d silently reflect while sitting with Kaeya. Always silently, as he didn’t want to burden him if he could sense Diluc’s presence. But this time, Diluc was walking back to his room in the tavern as he reflected. He walked slowly, wind brushing against his face. 

He couldn’t help but think of the past.

Back when he had been a child, he begged for a little brother. Barbara had just been born, and in order to help Jean acclimate to being a big sister, her mother had given her a children’s picture book about how amazing it was to be a big sister. Jean had brought the book one time when she had a play date with Diluc, and she showed him all the adventures the two siblings in the book had, with sparkles in her eyes, and Diluc was enamored. He wanted one. He wanted a younger sibling— sister or brother— so that night before bed, he asked his father if he could have one for his birthday. His father simply laughed, patted him on the head, and said he should pick a more practical gift. 

He couldn’t think of anything else he wanted though, and as the days passed, the greater his expectations. His father tried to placate him, saying Jean was just like a little sister to him, but Diluc didn’t care. He didn’t want a sister anymore, because he overheard one of his classmates at school saying his little sister only wants to do girly things like playing princesses, and that she never plays knights with him because she doesn’t want to get dirty. Diluc was horrified at the revelation, and decided he wanted a brother because a brother would play in the mud with him. He could play all rough with him, because his father told him that he shouldn’t play too roughly with girls. And, when they grew up, they could be the most cool unstoppable duo ever. That’s what his child self thought. 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t an easy thing to get a brother, and his father said no every single time. Diluc still couldn’t stop dreaming though. He imagined a smaller version of himself, and he imagined being the cool older brother. He couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to have another redhead around, because he felt like he stuck out at school, and if he had a brother, he’d stick out less. 

When Crepus still refused, Diluc decided to take matters into his own hands. Every time they went to the Cathedral, Diluc would pray for a brother. He’d pray and pray and pray, but there was still nothing. He had gotten so fed up that one day during mass, he snuck away to the orphanage attached to the church, and he grabbed a random baby from a crib. He (very incorrectly) held it, and then, when his father found him and the crying—extremely distressed— baby, he begged Crepus to let him take the baby home. 

He did not, in fact, get to take the baby home. He had been grounded for the next four days, as punishment for sneaking off and scaring the poor baby. He was despondent, as his hopes of having a little brother were crushed. 

Until one night, two days into his grounding, after dinner— right before Diluc was going to go to sleep, he saw his father arrive home, and run into the house with some weird bundle of something in his arms. 

Diluc, curiosity getting the better of him, slowly descended the staircase, wide eyes taking in the scene in front of him. 

His father had placed the bundle on the couch, and it moved, a small blue head sticking out. It sneezed, and his father coddled it, saying that he was safe with him, and that everything would be okay. His father had pulled the blue thing into his lap, and it was then that Diluc saw the limbs sticking out of the blanket and realized that “it” was a human, and not some stray animal like he had assumed. 

Adelinde rushed up the stairs, giving Diluc a slightly disapproving glance for being up after his bedtime, but ran to his room and grabbed some clothes.

“Well, since you’re awake anyway, come down and talk to the poor child so he feels less scared, while I prepare a bath.” 

Diluc nodded and came down with Adelinde, hesitantly approaching the blanketed child. 

The child peered up at him, the blanket rolling further off his head. He sneezed again, a quiet and squeaky sound.

He was tiny. A very tiny child. 

“Are you a baby?” Diluc asked, impulsively.

“No, he’s not a baby.” Crepus chuckled, shifting the bluenette further into his arms. “He’s just small.” 

“What’s your name?” Diluc asked the boy. 

“K—Kaeya.” He answered unsteadily. 

“Why do you have an eyepatch? Are you a treasure hoarder?” 

“No…” The bluenette, Kaeya, answered. 

“Why do you look like a girl?”

“Diluc,” His father gave him a warning glance.

“I– I don’t know?” The small child replied, bewildered. 

The answer satisfied Diluc, who sat next to him on the couch and extended a hand. 

“I’m Diluc! I’m seven! Wanna be friends?!”

Kaeya hesitantly took Diluc’s hand, pressing a featherlight kiss on his knuckles. 

“Why’d you just kiss me?!” Diluc exclaimed loudly, pulling his hand back. 

The shouting startled Kaeya, who immediately curled further into Crepus’s arms, trying to avoid being seen. 

“I read in a book that you kiss your friends in Mondstadt,” he mumbled into Crepus’s chest, completely embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” he trembled, ashamed. 

“Diluc.” Crepus chastised lightly, patting Kaeya gently on the back. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s fine, you didn’t do anything bad. Shh, it’s okay.”

“Yeah it’s fine!” Diluc tried reassuring, worriedly. “I just got surprised, I didn’t mean to yell!”

Kaeya slowly uncurled himself out of Crepus’s chest, looking at Diluc. Diluc watched him back. They stayed like that for a while until Adelinde came in, saying that the bath was ready. 

Crepus told Diluc to go back to bed and wait for Kaeya to join him after his bath, and Diluc nodded, running up the stairs. The entire time he laid in bed, he was nearly bursting with excitement. 

When Crepus finally came up with Kaeya, Diluc nearly started jumping. He placed Kaeya next to him in the bed, and he joined them. He held both of them, and Diluc excitedly asked Kaeya a lot of questions. Kaeya shyly answered as best he could. 

The rest had been history. 

…

Looking back at it, Diluc couldn’t feel anything but deep guilt. He was the one who wanted a little brother. He was the one who begged Barbatos for Kaeya to be in his life, not the other way around. And he was the one who abandoned him. 

Maybe if Diluc hadn’t prayed so desperately for a little brother, Kaeya would have never met him, and then Kaeya wouldn’t be in a coma right now. Maybe if he hadn’t insisted so heavily, Kaeya could have gone to someone else. Someone who wouldn’t have betrayed him so heavily if he had told them about his secret. Maybe he’d still be the soft and gentle person he used to be, not this suave personified mask he had hardened himself to become. 

Diluc couldn’t help but think he had ruined Kaeya’s life. 

He should never have been a brother. He didn’t deserve it. 

But he was a brother, so even if he didn’t deserve it, he had to try and be a good one— even if he wasn’t cut out for it. If  When Kaeya woke up, he’d do better. He’d be the brother he should have been. The one Kaeya deserved. 

He swore it.

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“Hey, Kaeya. It’s time for your massage.” Diluc said gently, carefully pulling off the blanket.

“I’m going to do your left leg first.” He said, carefully grabbing the leg. He gently pressed up and down a couple of times, before rolling his ankle, then knee, in careful circular motions in order to stimulate the joints and prevent locking. 

“Now I’m going to do your right leg.” He said softly, moving onto Kaeya’s right. 

When he got to Kaeya’s arms, he sighed softly upon seeing the scars he had grown familiar with. The first time he had massaged Kaeya’s arms, the scars had shocked him. He had experience with scars, and he could tell by how they had healed that they were from a couple of years ago— specifically, when Diluc had left. He carefully massaged his arms, and then his body, and then he made sure Kaeya was lying down properly in the bed. He pulled the blanket over him, and then he pressed a tender kiss on his forehead. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?” 

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“Tomorrow” ended up being one of the most terrifying days of Diluc’s life. 

When he arrived, he sat in his chair next to Kaeya’s bed. He gently brushed the hair away from Kaeya’s forehead, tracing his fingers through his scalp.

“Good morning, Kae.” He greeted softly, gently grabbing Kaeya’s hand and pulling it up, kissing his knuckles. 

Before he even put Kaeya’s hand back down, the machine he was connected to started beeping rapidly. 

“What—?!”

The doctor immediately rushed in, along with some nurses. 

“He isn’t breathing! His heart isn’t pumping—! We need to try to resuscitate him!”

The machine continued beeping, and Kaeya’s lips began to rapidly turn blue. 

Diluc’s blood thrummed in his ears. Kaeya was dying. He was dying in front of him. 

He had been able to avoid thinking about the possibility when Kaeya was unconscious, but now it was thrust in front of him. Kaeya could die. No, he would die. He was dying. His little brother was dying. 

Desperately, Diluc grabbed his unconscious body and shook him. 

“KAEYA!” He screamed. 

“Please don’t leave me,” He shouted, not realizing when he had begun crying. 

“I’m begging you—” he sobbed. The doctor gave him a pitying glance, continuing to prepare the resuscitation device. 

“You can’t die on me,” he choked desperately, “Not like this!” 

Kaeya’s face only grew more blue from the lack of oxygen.

“Please, Barbatos, please do something.” He pleaded to the archon, anyone who would hear. 

The Doctor pressed the resuscitation device against Kaeya’s chest, electro energy rushing into his body in an attempt to bring him back. 

It wasn’t working. Nothing was working. 

‘No.’

“Please don’t take my little brother away,” Diluc sobbed, holding Kaeya’s limp hand to his forehead. He shook Kaeya again pitifully, heart crushing into powder. 

Still nothing.

The doctor began to put the device down, about to shake his head, sealing in the fact that everything was over, when suddenly, the machine Kaeya was connected to started beeping rapidly again. 

Before Diluc could even ask what was going on, Kaeya suddenly woke up, coughing violently as he sat up. Diluc was too shocked to speak, as Kaeya looked around with unfocused and glazed-over eyes. He looked sick, really sick, but he was awake. 

Diluc was pushed away as the doctor and other nurses began to surround Kaeya, putting needles and such in his arms. Someone gave him a bucket, and Kaeya promptly vomited blood and the other limited fluids left in his body. 

“Why–?! Why is he throwing up? What’s going on?! Is going to be okay?!” Diluc found his voice, asking rapid questions faster than his brain could think. 

Suddenly, Kaeya winced, his hand weakly coming to his chest, as the doctor adjusted him to lean against the pillows but not sleep. He looked around with blurry eyes, before closing them, and the doctor urged him to stay awake. 

“D–don’t go to sleep, Kaeya,” Diluc choked out, grasping Kaeya’s hand once more. “Stay awake— listen to the doctor.”

Kaeya’s eyes remained closed, and the doctor tapped Kaeya with two fingers in rapid pats on his face. 

Kaeya’s body tremored as his lips slowly parted. 

“Not sleep… ev’rything blurry… hurts… to keep… open.” he slurred, voice so quiet and weak it was barely audible. 

In the panic and heat of the situation, Diluc hadn’t realized that it was the first time he had heard Kaeya’s voice in two months. He only came to that realization afterwards. 

“Why does he keep falling asleep?! Why can’t he keep his eyes open?! What’s wrong with him?!” Diluc asked, too panicked to think logically. 

Suddenly, in the midst of his questions, there was a light squeeze on his hand. Kaeya lightly squeezed his hand twice. 

“Kaeya?” He asked, concerned. “What’s wrong—?! Does something hurt—?!”

“Luc, I’m fine. Don’t— cry,” he said weakly. Diluc’s heart clenched. Even in this miserable state, Kaeya still cared about everything other than himself. 

He barely opened his eyes before immediately closing them and slumping against the bed, limp and unconscious. 

Diluc grabbed him, shaking him roughly. He shouted for Kaeya, trying to get him to wake up again, as the nurses and doctors tried to wake him up as well. 

Kaeya’s eyes just barely creaked open as he looked at Diluc. “I’m… fine…” he said, so quiet that nobody would have heard, had all attention not been on Kaeya at the moment. His eyes closed again.

“Kaeya—! Stay with me! Kaeya, come on!” Diluc yelled, giving more of a directive than a plea. 

There was no response.

“Hey—! Don’t fall asleep!” The doctor yelled, shaking Kaeya. 

Still nothing. 

“Listen to me! Kaeya, please, wake up!” Diluc yelled, intense fear setting in as Kaeya stopped breathing once more. 

“I’m going to administer CPR.” The doctor directed, making everyone give him space. 

The nurse counted for him, and the doctor began, administering thirty pumps and two breaths in a constant rhythm.

One, two, three, four… twenty-nine, thirty… Two breaths, and repeat.

.

.

.

Kaeya’s condition had stabilized, fortunately, within the hour. So Diluc was at his room in the Angel’s Share, waiting for Kaeya to inevitably wake up— something which the doctor said would take around a day or so. 

Charles insisted that Diluc try to rest and sleep a bit, saying that if anyone came with news about Kaeya waking up, he’d let him know immediately— but Diluc wasn’t really in the state to sleep. His brain was still struggling to process the fact that Kaeya had woken up— he would wake up again and be fine. Kaeya was alive. 

His prayers had been answered. 

So he sat at his desk with the tea Charles made him, in an attempt to relax him, and he reflected. Reflected on the events that led to this situation, the things he said to Kaeya, and the things he would say to Kaeya when he saw him again.

The first thing he’d do is apologize profusely. He’d say sorry for the callous words, the indifference, the apathy. 

Then he’d promise he’d fix things, he’d show Kaeya a bright future, that way he didn’t feel so hopeless. 

Then he’d…

.

.

.

Diluc jolted awake when the door to his room opened. Charles stood there, an uncomfortable expression on his face. 

“Master Diluc, sorry to disturb you, but Master Kaeya woke up.” He smiled nervously. 

Diluc immediately stood up, neck and body aching from the position he had fallen asleep in. 

“Thank you for letting me know, I’ll be on my way.” Diluc said, quickly standing up and rushing off to go to the Cathedral. On the way, constant anxiety bubbled in his chest. He was so damn happy that Kaeya was awake, that he was fine. Words could not describe that. But… There was fear too. Fear of facing him, fear of messing up. 

But still, no amount of fear could stop him, as Diluc wasted not a single second to reach the Cathedral. 

When he entered, he went straight to Kaeya’s room, entering without even knocking. 

Kaeya was sitting on the bed, and he looked at him calmly, slightly surprised to see him. They stared at each other for just a few seconds, until Diluc found his voice. 

“Kaeya?” He asked, unable to push any other words out of his throat. Seeing Kaeya fully awake and aware felt like an illusion that would disappear if Diluc was not delicate.

“Yes?” Kaeya answered. 

“How are you feeling?” Diluc asked cautiously, heart holding back a flicker of life that had died the day he found Kaeya unconscious in his bedroom. 

“I’m okay. Tired, but I think I’m fine.” Kaeya answered, smiling pleasantly. 

That was what shattered the illusion, solidifying it as real. Kaeya was awake. He was alive. He was talking and smiling at Diluc. He was doing things Diluc had been terrified he’d never see Kaeya do again. Diluc fell to the side of Kaeya’s bed, immediately squeezing him in a hug. He was careful not to hold him too tightly, but his hands shook as he buried his face in Kaeya’s shoulder and cried. 

“I love you so much,” was the first thing said, words instinctively ripping out of his chest. All his planning of his apologies and carefully decided words flew out the window. He started gently caressing Kaeya’s hair with his right hand as the other continued to hold his back, a fragile grasp he never wanted to let go of. “I was so scared, Kaeya.” He spilled, thoughts pouring out like wine. His whole body tremored “Two months. It was two months you were gone and you—“ he choked, “You nearly died, Kaeya— I almost lost you!” 

Diluc tensed for just a second as Kaeya carefully placed a hand on his back, patting it slowly. 

He lifted his head to look at Kaeya, eyes bloodshot, and his face crumbled again as he looked into Kaeya’s eyes. His head fell forward as he cried in stuttering breaths. He tenderly grabbed Kaeya’s other hand and pressed a shaky kiss to his knuckles. 

Kaeya’s own eyes welled up with tears at the action, and he continued to reassure Diluc. 

“I’m sorry, Kaeya.” Diluc choked. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that you would be pushed to do something like— like that.” He apologized, breath hitching. “I should have been kinder to you, I shouldn’t have said so many cruel things to you. I shouldn’t have taken you for granted.” He swallowed, guilt encompassing him. “It shouldn’t have taken you being in a coma for me to finally realize just how much I allowed bitterness and regret to taint our relationship. I’m so sorry.” 

He had finally said the words he so desperately wanted to say. The things he had prayed for Kaeya to know. The thoughts that agonized him when Kaeya’s life was uncertain. 

It didn’t matter if Kaeya didn’t accept his thoughts. He shouldn’t. He didn’t deserve Kaeya’s understanding or forgiveness. But Kaeya deserved to know how he felt, regardless of what he felt towards Diluc afterwards. 

Kaeya should not forgive him, ever. He would not. Diluc was certain that Kaeya would tell him to leave, tell him that he had gone too far, and now he could not forgive Diluc anymore. And Diluc was fine with that. This is what he deserved. This is what Kaeya deserved to say to him after going through so much at his, and many others, hands.

But Kaeya— his sweet little brother who had too big of a heart did not say any of those things. He didn’t even display a slight bit of hostility as his face pressed delicately into a gentle, warm, and hesitant smile. Not hesitant because he didn’t fully believe what he was saying with his full consciousness, but hesitant because he was nervous to speak. 

“…It’s okay. I could say the same thing. It’s not like I was the perfect brother. I failed you so many times, and you don’t need to forget the pain I caused you just because I ended up like this.” He gestured to himself. “You don’t have to stop hating me just because you pity me.”

Diluc looked at him, wiping his eyes. His mind began reeling in shock, as the world seemed to still around him, but the buzzing in his ears became all-consuming.

What?

“Hate you?” He asked, bewildered. “Do you really think I hate you?” 

He shouldn’t have been so shocked. He was so vile, so cruel, that of course Kaeya would think such a thing. Even if Diluc had never once hated him, he hadn’t exactly shown him that he loved him after they parted ways that night, so of course Kaeya would think something so awful. 

Everything was Diluc’s fault. Kaeya didn’t deserve this. 

Diluc’s mind returned to the same thought he had a few days ago, while reflecting upon the past. 

He should have never become a brother. Barbatos should have never answered his prayer. 

Kaeya would have been better off without him.

“…I—“ Kaeya began, snapping Diluc out of his thoughts. He paused, stuck in thought for just a second. 

‘Ah.’ Diluc thought, resignedly. ‘He’s trying to find a way to tell me nicely.’ 

It was okay. He didn’t have to try and be nice. Diluc didn’t deserve his kindness. 

He wanted to tell Kaeya not to strain himself to try and think of a way to gently tell Diluc the truth about how he really felt, but he didn’t want to force him. 

If Kaeya wanted to be kind about it, even if it was undeserved, Diluc would let him do what he wanted.

Suddenly, Kaeya looked at him and smiled. 

“No, I don’t.” He said, words solid and unwavering. 

Oh. 

He didn’t think that Diluc hated him. He didn’t hate Diluc. 

.

.

.

Was it really that simple? 

After that day, through mutual understanding and agreement, their relationship improved significantly. 

They talked casually, without bitterness or resentment. They were open with each other. 

Kaeya eventually did tell him how he had felt when Diluc had told him to get lost. He told him it had hurt, but it wasn’t Diluc’s fault. He said he never once blamed Diluc for anything, and that the pain he felt was his own guilt. He felt bad for being so rude and angry towards Diluc, not bad about what Diluc said, even if it did hurt a little. 

Kaeya also talked with Jean and his other friends, reassuring them that he had no hard feelings towards them and that they weren’t to blame. 

Diluc couldn’t tell if Kaeya was just trying to make everyone else feel better, or if he was being genuine. But he trusted Kaeya, so he decided not to question it. 

They had bigger fish to fry anyway. 

Recently, he and Kaeya had been arguing— or rather, debating- about something.

Kaeya was complaining that Diluc was spoiling him, and Diluc disagreed. How could it be considered spoiling if he was simply treating Kaeya as he deserved to be treated? 

Kaeya said that buying him gifts after every physical therapy session was too much, considering he had physical therapy three times a week. Diluc said that it was only fair, since Kaeya earned those gifts by working so hard. 

Kaeya complained that it wasn’t fair for Diluc to request Adelinde to make all of Kaeya’s favorite foods and desserts. Diluc retorted that he had not asked Adelinde to do so, but she did it without his asking. Kaeya called him out, saying he had overheard their conversation, and Diluc simply shrugged. He said there was not much he could do since Adelinde had been on the same page as him when he asked. 

However, Diluc secretly stuffing mora into Kaeya’s wallet was the last straw, it seemed. 

“Enough is enough,” Kaeya had pouted. 

“It’s your money, you have rights to half of the profits from the winery,” Diluc stated. 

“I don’t even work here!” Kaeya exclaimed. 

“It’s severance pay.” Diluc reasoned. 

“I’ve never worked here in my life!” 

“You did shifts at the tavern with our father.” 

“You mean when I helped wipe down the counter a couple of times after Father was done with his shift?!” Kaeya questioned in disbelief. 

“…Severance pay.”  

“Diluc Ragnvindr.” 

“…Severance… pay…” 

In the end, Kaeya’s wallet continued to be perpetually stuffed with mora. 

.

.

.

One day, after physical therapy, Diluc went to the Cathedral to pick Kaeya up. He normally waited for around half an hour after Kaeya’s therapy session finished, because he knew Rosaria worked at the same time Kaeya had therapy, and he wanted to give Kaeya time to talk to his friend. 

He was happy that Kaeya had a close friend. He knew that despite everything, Kaeya still wasn’t comfortable enough to fully share his worries and thoughts with Diluc and most other people. He tended to be more open around Rosaria, even if he still didn’t necessarily pour his heart out to her, so Diluc wanted to give them their space. 

But when he arrived, he was surprised to see that Kaeya wasn’t with Rosaria. 

“He snuck off to the cemetery,” Rosaria said, smoking her cigarette. Diluc hadn’t seen her smoke in a while, as she refrained from smoking around Kaeya since he was still recovering.

“Alright. Thanks.” He nodded, heading off to the cemetery. He sighed when he saw the rain. Adelinde would have his head for letting Kaeya sit around “just waiting to catch a cold,” in her words.

He walked quietly, stopping a slight distance away as he saw Kaeya sitting in front of their father’s grave. 

“…I think— I might quit my job.” He heard Kaeya say, emotional in a typical manner for someone spilling their inner feelings. Diluc decided a little rain wouldn’t hurt Kaeya if he could genuinely speak his mind without reservations to someone, even if that ‘someone’ was a headstone at a grave. 

“I don’t think I’m cut out to be Cavalry Captain, or a Knight anymore for that matter.” He admitted— the first time Diluc had ever heard that sentiment. “I did my job well, I suppose, and for a while I might have liked it, but… I don’t think I have the heart for it anymore.” Kaeya wiped his eyes. Diluc’s heart ached. He couldn’t help but wonder what made Kaeya lose his heart for his job, especially when he used to like it so much.

 “I’m sorry if that disappoints you. It makes me sad to think about leaving, but I also believe I should choose something for myself for once.” As Kaeya spoke, Diluc saw a newfound spark and determination inside him, even if it was covered by a layer of bittersweetness. 

“I didn’t choose to be a spy,” Diluc’s chest pulled very tightly at that, “and I only really just followed in Diluc’s footsteps— doing what Varka and the other higher-ups wanted me to do. So I think that— if I’m going to live a new life, in order to live one that is worthwhile, I’m going to leave and try to do something that I— not anyone else— want.” 

And that was truly fair. Kaeya should do what he wants in life, Diluc thought. 

He hadn’t realized just how much Kaeya’s life had been based on expectations. Constantly doing what had seemingly been “decided” for him. 

Regardless of what he wanted to do now, Diluc would support him. Kaeya deserved unconditional love and support. He could make independent decisions, without any pressure from anyone anymore, but that didn’t mean he had to be alone. 

Kaeya shuffled, sitting up straighter. 

“Thank you for listening to me, Father.” He said, smiling sincerely. 

He sat there for a few minutes, Diluc standing silently behind, until the drizzling began to slow down, eventually stopping.

Diluc waited for a while longer, until he decided it had been long enough, and he walked towards Kaeya. His boots treaded against the ground, heavy yet soft. 

Kaeya turned around and smiled. 

“So this is where you were.” He said.

“I just needed some air,” Kaeya explained.

“So you decided to get soaked in the rain,” Diluc stated, shaking his head fondly.

“It was drizzling.” 

“Same thing.” 

“…Why’d you come here?” Diluc asked.

“I wanted to talk to Father.” Kaeya admitted, “You?” 

“I was looking for you.” Diluc replied, “Rosaria told me she saw you sneaking off over here.” 

“‘Sneaking off’ is a strong way to put it,” Kaeya mumbled. “I just left without telling anyone.” 

“The nurses were worried when they couldn’t find you after therapy.” 

“Oh. Sorry.” Kaeya replied sheepishly. 

“It’s alright.” Diluc nodded. He paused, before sitting down next to Kaeya. 

“Your clothes are going to get dirty,” Kaeya stated.

“It’s fine. Speak for yourself.” 

Truly, because Kaeya’s clothes were already stained with muddy rainwater.

“Do we have to go back home now?” Kaeya asked. 

“We have time. Don’t worry. The carriage isn’t going anywhere.” 

“It’s okay. I was done anyway. Unless you have something you want to say to Father.

He didn’t really have anything to say to Father. At least, not anything he could say in front of Kaeya. 

“…I heard you,” Diluc said, looking between Kaeya and the grave. “At least, the part about you quitting the Knights. I don’t think Father would be disappointed in you.” He reassured Kaeya softly.

“You think so?” The younger man asked, uncertain.

“Knowing him, I think he’d just tell you to do what makes you happy,” Diluc answered. “He did push his dreams onto us, but at the end of the day, he always wanted the best for us.” 

“…Yeah.” Kaeya paused. “You know, I don’t think he’d be disappointed that you left either. I think he’d be proud of you, if he were here.” 

Diluc hadn’t expected that.

“I don’t know. I don’t think he’d ever be proud of me, after everything I’ve done.” He replied honestly.

“Father wanted you to be a knight not just because of pride and glory. The biggest reason he wanted that was because of values. And you have always upheld your values, no matter what. It’s why you left in the first place.” 

Diluc couldn’t really comprehend what made Kaeya think that. Did Kaeya just think too highly of him?

“Values…” Diluc chuckled a bit bitterly. “I’m surprised you think that. I lost sight of my values for a long time.” He said, looking at Kaeya. 

Because he had. Truly, he had. While searching for justice, vengeance, or even “righteousness,” as he thought he had been doing, he lost sight of what was truly the most valuable and precious thing. 

Family. His brother. 

He had gone astray, and he hadn’t considered what had mattered most in the end. He had only realized when it had been slammed into his face— the days when he was faced with a possible reality too painful to bear. That’s when he realized what his values should have been. 

“Huh? What do you mean?” Kaeya asked, clueless. 

He knew Kaeya wouldn’t understand what he meant. He didn’t want Kaeya to understand. He had suffered the consequences of Diluc’s misplaced morals enough, and Diluc didn’t want him to suffer anymore.

“It’s nothing.” Diluc replied, dusting off his knees and standing up. “Let’s go back.” He said. 

When Kaeya struggled to get up, Diluc leaned down, offering a hand. “Do you need me to carry you?” 

“Just help me walk.” Kaeya muttered, embarrassed. 

“Okay.” Diluc smiled ever so slightly, mind still clouded with thoughts, “If you get tired let me know.”

“Okay. The carriage is by the city’s gate, right?” 

“Yes.” 

Kaeya nodded, standing up and walking with Diluc’s support, until they reached the stairs. 

“…” 

Diluc snapped out of his mind as he felt Kaeya grip his shoulder just a tiny bit tighter in lighthearted frustration, and the sky seemed so much brighter and bigger as a sliver of joy crept into Diluc’s heart once more. He wordlessly kneeled down for Kaeya to climb onto his back, holding back his urge to laugh. Not at Kaeya’s struggling, of course, but simply at the fact that Kaeya’s pouting— which Kaeya was unaware that he was doing— was far too adorable not to feel amused about.

.

.

.

“What idiot designed this city with so many stairs? This is really poor planning. The Cathedral is the last place that should be so high up.” Kaeya grumbled, irritated.

Diluc laughed, hefting Kaeya up. He had been complaining nonstop since Diluc had picked him up, and it was truly too cute.

“I’m serious!” Diluc held back the urge to tease Kaeya further. “Imagine how many injured and sick people struggle with these stairs! I think I’ll write a petition to Jean to have Klee flatten the stairs into a ramp.”

He couldn’t help himself anymore, his little brother was far too cute when he was grumpy and mad. Diluc snickered, heart completely light and free from the heavy darkness that had consumed it for so long.

“Stop laughing at me!” Kaeya exclaimed, smacking Diluc on the back with his fist. 

And Diluc could not stop anymore, even if he wanted to.

He never would. 

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The end.