Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mark sits next to his best friend, imagining what his lips would taste like and wonders if God is making some kind of cruel joke. The weird straight boy, a few seconds away from putting his lips on his male best friend’s.

It’s not like he’s never seen them before, but for the first time he’s letting himself look, maybe for a second too long, as Donghyuck taps his pen against them.

He slumps into his seat, wanting to disappear. They’re not even doing anything out of the ordinary, just studying beside each other. Yet here he is being absolutely inappropriate.

“Your eyes do that thing sometimes,” Donghyuck says, glancing up from his notebook, “Like, when they get so round and shiny. It kinda reminds me of a puppy. It’s cute.”

Mark doesn’t answer, nearly choking on air when he realises how close Donghyuck is getting. If only he knew what's making him stare like this. His eyes wander down to Donghyuck’s lips again for a brief moment. “I’m not cute,” he grumbles, crossing his arms.

“Whatever you say,” Donghyuck says, moving closer to rest his head on Mark’s shoulder. “Let me rest on your shoulder for a moment. I’m tired.”

“That can’t be comfortable,” Mark says, trying to ignore how he nearly chokes on air at the feeling of Donghyuck’s soft hair tickling under his jaw.

“It is,” Donghyuck says, voice muffled as he buries his face in the crook of Mark’s neck, wrapping his arm around Mark’s hips, lightly tugging at them.

And it feels nicer than it should. Donghyuck is warm, soft and ,as weird as it is to notice, he smells nice. Powdery, a little citrusy, faint but it’s there and it’s so him. Just there, lingering in a way that isn’t overpowering, but enough that it draws him in.

So much that it makes him want to pull Donghyuck closer too, put an arm around his waist and drown in the warmth that he knows he shouldn’t seek out. He feels his hands growing restless, fidgeting as he stops himself from giving in. His eyes flick back and forth between Donghyuck and the floor.

“Are you okay?” Donghyuck says, looking up at him with round eyes, almost like a deer.

Mark laughs, shaky and forced before he chews on his inner cheek, hands playing with a loose thread of his sweater. “Just gotta go to the bathroom.”

“Ah, I shouldn’t hold you back then, should I?” Donghyuck mumbles and lets go of him.

Mark nearly runs into the bathroom, quickly shutting the door behind himself and locking it.

The reflection of his face is resembling a fire extinguisher. It’s laughable. Never in his life did he act this pathetic over nothing. Pull yourself together.

Looking at Donghyuck almost like he’s admiring how pretty he is feels beyond weird and most of all wrong. Like what he’s doing is illegal.

Because he isn’t like Donghyuck or any of their friends. It makes him wonder why they even keep him around considering all of them are less up their own ass for a lack of better words.

His attraction to Donghyuck isn’t new by any means, but lately it’s reaching a new high. And Mark isn’t sure how long he can keep pushing his thoughts back. It’s the first time he imagined doing something physical with Donghyuck, something so intimate. He can’t help but feel straight up creepy.

He glances at the mirror, watching as the redness on his cheeks begins to fade.

Maybe he’s just horny and it has nothing to do with the fact that it’s Donghyuck. Next time they invite him to a party, he just needs to find a girl, get laid, and these weird thoughts should disappear. Everything will be normal again.

He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself and steps out of the bathroom. The last thing he wants is to make it awkward. Play it off. Act like nothing’s going on.

When he’s back in their cramped living room, Donghyuck isn’t even studying anymore and instead plays with his phone while crunching on cookies. Mark sits down next to him and begins to type away on his laptop, legs shaking under the table.

His movement forcefully stills when Donghyuck presses one of his knees down. “What are you so jittery for?”

“Dunno.” Mark shrugs, wishing he could come up with a decent excuse.

“Hm. If you’re so on edge,” Donghyuck mutters, tapping his chin in thought. “We could game for a bit. That should help you relax.”

Before Mark can even answer, Donghyuck shuts his laptop, a playful glint in his eyes.

Mark turns to him and nods simply, not trusting his voice enough to speak. There’s no point continuing like this. And sincerely, fuck literature. He’s already failing. A break won’t make much of a difference, so he slowly takes his controller in his hand.

As he does so, Donghyuck starts to grin almost devilishly. “Let’s make this more fun than just playing a video game,” he pauses to lick a few crumbs off his lips, “Loser kisses the winner.”

What an idiotic idea. And he’s an even bigger idiot. Mark doesn’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense why he suddenly thinks like this. Because why on earth does he want to win just so Donghyuck can kiss him?

“Dude, that’s a punishment for me either way,” Mark says. It’s a ridiculous lie that slips past his lips so easily, too easily. Donghyuck seems to take it though, judging from his knowing smile, like it’s the answer he would expect from him.

“Don’t be so mean, Hyung,” Donghyuck says.

“I’m being realistic.”

“It doesn’t have to be on the lips.” Donghyuck crosses his arms. “Just this once, come on.”

Mark tries everything to keep an impassive expression when he feels Donghyuck shifting even closer next to him. So close that their shoulders and knees continuously brush. Donghyuck rests his hand on Mark’s thigh, keeping his eyes on the screen.

“Please?” Donghyuck says, batting his eyelashes as he turns to Mark.

He keeps on inching closer, jutting his lips out slightly, because he knows too well what effect it has on people.

“Back off,” Mark whispers weakly.

“Just say yes and I’ll be at a friendly distance from you,” Donghyuck grins.

So innocent looking, but Mark knows better.

Donghyuck is anything but innocent. Touching Mark is as normal to him as brushing his teeth in the morning. Sometimes Mark hates it. Sometimes he likes it. But he never lets it go past a line he keeps trying to establish between them. But if Donghyuck keeps this up Mark might fuck everything up and cross it before Donghyuck has the chance to. All it takes is one slip-up. The dumbest thing is he assumes Donghyuck would be willing to push him into it.

Nothing is too much for Donghyuck, no matter how intimate or embarrassing. He talks about his dates and whatever else like he does about an assignment he has yet to finish. And of course it involves men more than women.

Mark is always the first, and maybe the only person, to hear about these things. In excruciating detail too, but he prefers not to think about that. He would understand if Donghyuck thinks he’s uncomfortable with hearing about it. Because he wouldn’t be…wrong.

Hearing about two men doing what he does with girls all the time just feels weird. It's hard to explain why. Apparently, he doesn’t do a good job at hiding it either. Their friends always poke fun at him for it, but he doesn’t care to deny it anymore.

“Let go,” Mark says, avoiding Donghyuck’s gaze. “Let’s just start already.”

Donghyuck moves his hand away, huffing quietly and Mark holds back a relieved sigh, but the touch still lingers. “Just know I’m taking this seriously.”

“More than your exams probably.”

“Says you.”

Even the vibrant colours the screen flashes with and the dramatic music that plays are barely helping him distract himself.

Mark bites his lips in concentration, his eyes glued to the screen, fingers flying across the controller.
Minutes pass and one round turns into four.

As usual, Donghyuck wins most of them, but Mark can’t help his satisfied, slightly smug, smile when Donghyuck slumps into the couch after losing a round. But Mark knows it’s going to turn into fuel for Donghyuck. Defeating him is never easy. He will take the game even more seriously now, because that’s just how he is. Too competitive for his own good.

But Mark can be competitive with him too. Winning against him is fun. More because of Donghyuck’s stupid pout than the fact that he wins in a game. It’s more rewarding to see that in place of his usual smug grin.

The end of the game nears as both characters barely have any lives left. Mark’s fingers move faster on the controller and his eyebrows furrow. Not even his desperate tapping and clicking can help him keep his character alive for more than a few seconds.

Donghyuck jumps up after landing the final blow, letting out a triumphant yell while raising his controller in victory.

Simultaneously, a frustrated groan escapes Mark’s lips as his game character dies. He sags on the couch, controller clattering against the wooden table. “You cheated.”

Donghyuck shakes his head in denial.

“I should’ve won that last round for sure,” Mark argues.

“You’re just a sore loser,” Donghyuck says, ruffling Mark’s hair. “Makes beating your ass in every game even more fun.”

“Rich coming from you.”

“You owe me something,” Donghyuck says, tone sickly sweet.

“I never said okay to that,” Mark says in a strained voice.

“A peck is enough.”

“Hyuck, can’t we do literally anything else?” Mark almost pleads. “I’d even go out to eat with you.”

“That does sound nice…We should do that next time. Now come on.” Donghyuck looks at him, eyes challenging as he purses his lips slightly. He looks so expectant, raising his brows like he’s sensing Mark’s hesitation. “It’s not like you’ve never kissed anyone.“

Maybe Donghyuck has a point.

A hollow laugh escapes Mark’s lips. He’s kissed too many girls before to be acting like this. Hell, he’s kissed girls in front of Donghyuck and all of their friends before, so this shouldn’t be a problem.

“But they’re not…you,” Mark says.

“Am I that special?” Donghyuck asks.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“This could already be over if you just man up and do it.”

Donghyuck’s tone barely leaves any room for argument, and Mark doesn’t have it in him to test him anymore, tired of the taunts and intentional pushing of his own buttons.

So he leans forward the slightest bit, feeling his face burn embarrassingly. He notices how Donghyuck’s eyelashes flutter against his soft cheeks. They’re too close. He knows it’s stupid to think because they’ve hugged before. This feels different. They’re so impossibly close, so much that he can feel Donghyuck’s breath on his cheeks. He backs away again with furrowed brows, leaning back into the soft pillow that hardly manages to comfort him.

“Coward,” Donghyuck says, corners of his lips curling upwards.

Every muscle tenses in Mark.

This whole situation does nothing but piss him off. He already expects that Donghyuck will see it as his win if Mark does it. And fine, if he grants him that feeling, whatever. All he wants is to protect his own dignity at this point. Well, as little as he has left of it.

“If it makes you feel better, I’ll let you get a hit in the next round-”

Mark puts his index finger on Donghyuck’s lips to shut him up. They dip slightly under the pressure and Mark takes a look at his eyes. They’re wide open, blinking up at him, dumbfounded. Mark grins faintly, brushes a stray hair out of Donghyuck’s face and leans down to give him a peck on his cheek, not quite touching them more than a second and he pulls himself off just as fast.

And the stupid, smug grin returns to Donghyuck's face. “I didn’t even feel anything.”

“Your cheeks are probably numb cause you talk too much,” Mark says, wiping his lips with the back of his hand and making a fake gagging noise.

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Donghyuck says, rolling his eyes.“Do you need me to remind you what a real one feels like?”

Yes.

What is he even thinking? Donghyuck has to be making fun of him, based on his teasing smile. He has this look on his face often. More often than Mark likes. It always ends with him feeling annoyingly defensive.

“Never in a million years.”

“We both know that’s far from the truth,” Donghyuck says.

“Delusion sure is a way to live.”

“So is denial.”

Mark simply hums and gets up.

“Are you already going to bed?” Donghyuck asks.

“Yeah, we have class tomorrow.”

“As if you care that much,” Donghyuck snorts.

“I should,” Mark says and turns to the hallway.

He exhales sharply when his bedroom door shuts behind himself with a faint click. He has no reason for his dramatics, but he can’t help himself. Unfortunately feeling the soft cheek under his lips for less than a second didn’t satiate anything. It only makes him want to kiss Donghyuck for real…out of sheer curiosity.

He stiffly lies on his bed, twisting the ring on his index finger. The only jewelry he still wears and of course it has to be from Donghyuck. The thing is he should be wearing his cross necklace, he knows that, and he doesn’t have a real excuse not to wear it. He and Donghyuck have worn those rings for years now and Donghyuck jokingly calls them couple rings, no matter how many times Mark shuts him down. He’s already given up on getting that idea out of his head. It’s still precious to him, more than anything else he owns.

It wasn’t anything people would consider special. But to him it is.They went on a trip to the beach during summer. He still remembers how the sand wouldn’t get out of their clothes. They simply talked, watched sunsets, ate ice cream and really connected. That’s when they bought the rings, to never forget this time.

Since he and Donghyuck moved into this dorm, they spend every day together. Everything about him was and still is different from the church kids he grew up around.

Everything was so easy with Donghyuck back then. And now Mark stares at his pitch black ceiling, wondering why he’s ruining it for them.

•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•

The gnawing feeling of intense need and shame for it doesn’t disappear, even when the next day starts and Mark stands in the doorway of their apartment, waiting for Donghyuck to finish doing his make up. He shifts his weight between his legs, hands tightly grasping the strings of his backpack. So far, this morning is the same as always. Mostly.

He feels his eyes widen when Donghyuck appears in the hallway, throwing his backpack over his shoulder almost carelessly.

“Quit pulling that face. I’m already done,” Donghyuck says.

And God does he look beautiful. Mark swears if Donghyuck doesn’t stop wearing that lipgloss, he might actually give into his stupid midget brain. He doesn’t even care what face he’s pulling and silently takes the stairs down the empty hall, chipped paint on the walls, dust on the edges on the railing that neither of ever touch.

A soft gust of wind brushes through his hair when he opens the door and starts walking, assuming Donghyuck is somewhere behind him.
His steps become more and more faint behind Mark.

“You coming or not?” Mark asks.

“Chill, we’re early anyway,” Donghyuck shoves him playfully, “Hyung, let’s pick up breakfast. I’m so hungry.”

Mark looks behind his shoulder and shakes his head in something between exasperation and fondness.

“There’s a new bakery down the street. We should go there,” Donghyuck says.

“We don’t have time for that. You eat way too slow, dude.”

“Yeah, cause I actually enjoy my food. Savouring every bite takes time,” Donghyuck says.

Then there’s a muffled thud of steps and Donghyuck comes into his view, holding down his stomach, pouting and looking at him with those annoying, pleading doe eyes. He slings his arm around Mark’s neck, making Mark stumble a bit over his own feet.

“I’ve been wanting to go there for months,” Donghyuck whines.

“Then go after class,” Mark offers, finding it increasingly harder to refuse him. His hands get clammy, so he shoves them into his pockets. Trying new food places is something Doghyuck does often, but it’s one of the few things he stays out of, preferring to stick to what he’s familiar with.

“I have dance practice today,” Donghyuck says. “And I don’t have time this weekend either.”

“You can wait a few days, you’ll survive.”

“Do you need me to say please?”

Mark shrugs and pulls Donghyuck’s arm off. “Begging doesn’t work on me.”

“It so does.” Mischief glints in Donghyuck’s eyes. “Yesterday, when you kissed me.”

“Don’t make it sound like that,” Mark grumbles, gripping the straps of his backpack tightly.

“That’s when you said you’ll eat with me,” Donghyuck insists.

“Did you get your stupid kiss or not?”

“Okay, okay. Fine,” Donghyuck says, holding his hands up in front of his chest.

The rest of the walk goes by in silence, aside from cars passing, birds chirping and the keychains on his bag clattering against each other with every step.

And thanks to Donghyuck everything that happened yesterday floods back into his head again. The mere half a second his lips touched Donghyuck didn’t exactly get rid of his need to do…more. Not sure what exactly.

A sigh leaves him when they reach college, the building already full of other students that probably want to be there just as little as Mark does.

Every morning he gets here, he can’t wait for the time to come when he’s free to leave. None of his friends have the same classes as him and it makes spending hours here even less tolerable. Part of him is aware that he could study in the times between classes, but he rarely manages to muster up the energy for that. Instead he takes naps or sometimes finishes an assignment.

Donghyuck pulls him to a bench near the entrance. Renjun is there with a sketchbook on his lap erasing something on the page with a little too much pressure. He has circles under his eyes, but they don’t dim the brightness of the smile he sends in their direction as they sit next to him.

“Did neither of you sleep?” Renjun asks.

“Could ask you the same thing,” Mark says.

“You don’t understand how glad I am that I didn’t choose art,” Donghyuck says.

Renjun shrugs and closes his sketchbook. “You can’t even draw.”

“Well I am a dancer, I don’t need to,” Donghyuck says, grinning.

“Man, at least he puts effort into his studies. Unlike you,” Mark says.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “You always jump at the opportunity to game instead of studying.”

“I never said anything about me,” Mark says.

“Yeah, but-”

“It’s too early for this,” Renjun cuts in, face in his palms.

“He started it,” Donghyuck says, crossing his arms like a child.

“Seriously, leave it,” Mark says and nudges Donghyuck’s hips with his elbow. He gestures to Renjun, who can barely keep his eyes open as he visibly holds back a yawn. And it seems like Donghyuck takes the hint and stays quiet. Mark can see him struggle to keep the words in and chuckles.

“What’s so funny?” Donghyuck says under his breath.

“You’re stupid,” Mark says.

Donghyuck pinches Mark’s waist. “You’re kind of an idiot too.”

They stay there for a while and chat, but Mark doesn’t feel like participating in the conversation anymore, so he takes his notebook out, attempting to write a little so he can pass some time.

Every now and then he glances to his side, watching Donghyuck smile as he shows Renjun something on his phone. And all he can think about is how pretty it looks on him.

A smile that isn’t teasing, rather genuine and honest. Something he wants to see on his face more often. As much as he puts up with Donghyuck’s teasing, seeing this side of him is something he’d never complain about. What a shame that it’s rarely aimed at him.

Mark shakes his head and continues scribbling, never checking again what exactly he’s writing, simply letting his conscience flow and hoping that at least some of it is of use.

The bell rings. Donghyuck pinches his waist again.

“Stop doing that,” Mark says, shoving his notebook into his backpack.

“What?” Donghyuck pinches him again. “This?”

“You’re lucky I gotta leave for class right now,” Mark says under his breath.

“Right, I’m so scared.” Donghyuck laughs and turns to the door, pushing through the students crowding around it.

Mark watches his back disappear and decides he should find his lecture hall too.

Occasionally, he checks his messages, passing through classes with an empty mind. His inbox remains empty. The chat with his mom is already so far down that he has to scroll a while to get to it. Nothing out of the ordinary.

He doesn’t exactly recall when one class starts and the other ends. But he’s sitting there, checking the time as his feet bounce up and down, fingers tapping a quiet rhythm on the wooden table.

The professor dismisses them and Mark straps his backpack on, mindlessly walking along the cracked sidewalk by himself. Considering exam season starts soon, his friends are probably planning to hang out this weekend. Truthfully, Mark doesn’t feel like doing anything but collapsing on his bed and sleeping until it’s Monday again. Or maybe even longer.

Drops of rain start to fall, lightly at first, but they get heavier with every second. Mark looks around to find coverage and hopes he brought his umbrella. Of course he didn’t. His only option is to continue walking, so he does and prays the rain won’t get worse. The thumping of the droplets falling on his hair and shoulders drowns out any thoughts as he trudges on the sidewalk now scattered with puddles.

He gets home, his pants leaving a slight trail of water droplets on the wooden floor of the small apartment. His room is the only one with things all over the floor, because Mark can never be bothered to clean it. One of the things that Donghyuck always complains to him about, but Mark thinks he shouldn’t. His room is his own space.

The rest of their apartment is always clean anyway. Granted, most of the credit for that should go to Donghyuck. But it’s not like Mark doesn’t try to help wherever he can.

He lays down after drying his hair and changing clothes. The group chat from their friends is already exploding with messages. Plans for this weekend, questions about homework, typical banter. But Mark doesn’t bother answering any of it.
A weird feeling clings to him and it lingers for way too long.

It’s quiet aside from the raindrops hitting his window. Steady, but without any pattern to it. He watches as they race down the glass in front of the grey of the clouds that casts everything in a gloomy filter.

A message lights up his phonescreen. Donghyuck. One of the few people he leaves notifications turned on for.

hyuck
coming home late today :(
going out with jaem
wanna come with us?

mark
gotta study dude

hyuck
sure…don’t miss me too much hyung

mark
don’t worry i won’t

An arrow appears that signifies Donghyuck read his messages. And honestly Mark feels a bit silly for being disappointed that the conversation is already over. As if they don’t talk way too damn much every day. He guesses there’s a reason people say they’re like a package deal usually.

People always notice Donghyuck while he’s just there. Slipping through the cracks of everyone’s minds in favour of his brighter, more fun friends. He gets it though, he’d pick Donghyuck too.

Maybe that makes it weird for him to turn down a night out, hanging out with his friends, having a good time instead of feeling this constant frustration and irritation at God knows what.

But he’s also a little glad he doesn’t need to deal with any of his uncomfortable and confusing thoughts.

He scrolls on his phone for just a bit more, wanting to pass some time. Videos, photos, anything. But his head doesn't really perceive any of it, they just watch it pass. But he continues scrolling just for a while more until he feels his eyes grow more and more droopy.

He turns his phone off again, sighing.

Chapter Text

Attempts to study, classes and hangouts with their friends pass by like always. All except for one thing. His embarrassingly desperate need for Donghyuck gets worse and worse every time he sees him.

What makes it worse is that he might be impossible to avoid. They share friend groups, a living space and are basically always around each other. And all it does is put Mark into less than casual and chill positions. All because he's slowly losing his restraint and he doesn't know what to do. 

Desire is just human nature, but this thing is something different. Something he's never experienced before, despite every relationship he was in. They were all with girls. Not once did Mark ever look at another guy the way he did with a girl back then.

He doesn't even know when this thing with Donghyuck started, he just knows it's wrong on levels beyond his imagination.

Plainly, he feels like nothing but a perverted creep that lacks self control. Something he should be perfect at, seeing that it's shoved down his throat all his life. Having to hold back, not say everything on your mind. And especially this is something worth pushing down, even if it's getting harder. 

Mark sighs and pushes himself off his bed, lazily trudging to the kitchen, only because his stomach’s been growling for hours. 

For a second he stands there and brushes his fingers through his hair as he looks through all the cabinets, feeling less than capable of making such a seemingly simple decision. His options are too complicated and time consuming, not worth the effort if it’s just for himself, so he settles on an apple, a green one. 

As he starts cutting it up on one of Donghyuck’s cutting boards, with a small bear on its red background printed on it, he feels a presence hovering over his shoulder.  

“Are you coming with us tonight?” Donghyuck asks. “Please say you’re coming, I don’t wanna be stuck with Jaemin and Jeno being all lovey dovey by myself.”

“Sure,” Mark says lamely. 

Donghyuck smiles, eyes sparkling in the dim light of the kitchen. “Thank you a million times,” he says. Then he scans the room and frowns playfully. “But you should have some proper food, don’t wanna see you pass out.”

It's so hard to refuse him. Goddamn it. "Fine, but you know I wouldn't let that happen anyway."

“Kimchi stew or fried rice?” Donghyuck asks and stuffs a piece of the apple into his mouth.

“Whatever is faster.” 

Donghyuck grins and starts picking out the ingredients. 

All Mark does is watch, awkwardly standing at the side of their small kitchen to take up as little space as possible.  

Donghyuck looks at him questioningly and hands him a knife, a cutting board and an onion. That's the least he could do. He cuts the onion up into small pieces, his eyes stinging a little from it. But it doesn’t stop him from stealing just a few not so innocent glances at Donghyuck’s direction.  

Silence settles between them. The sizzling of the rice and its savory, smoky scent fills the room. Donghyuck stirs in the pan every now and then, pursing his lips in concentration, and waves Mark over and raises a spoonful into the air, asking him to taste it. 

Just as Mark’s lips touch the spoon he jerks away from it. “Shit,” he hisses. 

Donghyuck mutters a few curses and scurries to the sink before dabbing a damp cloth on Mark’s lips, eliciting another quiet hiss from Mark. 

Sure, it stings, but it’s not as intense as the feeling of Donghyuck’s gentle hands brushing his face.

Hastily, Mark takes the cloth out of his hands. “You don’t want the rest to burn, do you?”

“Sorry,” Donghyuck mumbles and turns back to the stove. He scrapes on the bottom of the pan as some of it is starting to stick to it, cursing under his breath. 

“Maybe we should’ve just ordered food at this point,” Mark says and puts the cloth away. 

“The food is still gonna taste good, dumbass. I'm an amazing cook, you kept distracting me and it was just too hot before. Now it’s probably cold,” Donghyuck whines and takes two bowls and spoons out of the cupboards and sets them on the table. 

"I didn't say it would taste bad," Mark says, playfully rolling his eyes. "And stop acting like you never oder takeout."

Donghyuck makes an unimpressed noise and says, “Only when I'm lazy. But if it wasn’t for my outstanding cooking skills we’d be living off of takeout, because you can't cook for shit.” 

“I’m a bad cook by choice. Like, I could be good if I wanted to,” Mark says, feigning arrogance. 

“Sure,” Donghyuck scoffs. “Ah, Jaemin just texted me. He wants us to be ready by eleven.” 

Hardly possible unless they start finishing up. So, Mark gets up and cleans the few dishes they used, feeling small under Donghyuck’s gaze who leans against the door frame as he watches Mark with curious eyes.

“Dude, you’ll never be done in time if you keep standing there.” 

Donghyuck laughs and ruffles Mark’s hair. “Right, if you need me in the next thirty minutes, don’t.” 

“Got it. And stop doing that,” Mark says, smoothing the messy strands down.

“No idea what you’re talking about,” Donghyuck says and skips through the hallway with a stupidly bright smile on his lips. The bathroom light illuminates the hallway and the shuffling noises of Donghyuck searching through his make up fill the silence in the apartment. 

Mark sits back down on the small dining table and impatiently taps his fingers on it, while he chews on the last pieces of the apple. It tastes more sour than he usually likes them.

This is his chance to keep everything how it should be. As long as he keeps himself away from Donghyuck as soon as he’s drunk, not a single word he shouldn’t say can slip past him. But he’s not sure for how long he can keep holding back. His taps on the table grow faster at the thought of losing control over himself. 

“They’re outside,” Donghyuck shouts. 

Mark gets up and stills for a second when he sees Donghyuck already standing next to the front door. He looks even better than usual.

His hair is styled in a way that reveals a bit of his forehead and his eyes are emphasized with black around them. Mark’s eyes stay on Donghyuck’s lips for a moment when realizes he put that damn lipgloss on them again. It always makes him look even prettier and Mark swallows thickly before he looks away. 

“Wow, you really outdid yourself,” Donghyuck says sarcastically.

“Not everyone has the patience for the shit that you do.” 

“Well, you should,” Donghyuck says, “Looking pretty is one thing, but stunning is better.” 

“Some people do effortlessly,” Mark says. 

“Come on. People are like a blank canvas. A little work can do wonders on anyone,” Donghyuck argues. 

Mark shrugs and shuffles his worn out sneakers on, practically having to run to keep up with the speed of Donghyuck’s steps as they rush down the stairs. They echo in the stairwell, heavy and loud. The air outside is cold and wind is brushing through his hair. He turns to Donghyuck with a grin as he watches him push his hair down with a frown.  

“See? It's pointless,” Mark says. 

“I’d kick you so hard right now, if you weren’t so cute,” Donghyuck mutters.

Mark pretends that he didn’t hear anything. Donghyuck stays next to him, clinging to his arm and Mark pulls him off when Jaemin comes into his view. He’s standing in front of his car with his typical relaxed posture and his arms crossed. 

“Took you long enough,” Jaemin says.

“Blame him.” Mark points to his side as he drops into the backseat.

“You’re just jealous,” Donghyuck says. 

Mark raises his brows in doubt. “Of what?” 

Donghyuck murmurs something next to him but stops when they try to fasten their seatbelts at the same time. The touch lingers for a bit until Jaemin clears his voice, grinning. Mark gathers himself by leaning back and closing his eyes in hopes the ride will pass by faster. 

When they arrive at the bar Mark sighs upon seeing the line outside. 

“Strap in guys, this might take a while,” Jeno says. 

And unfortunately he’s right. It seems to take ages, but the excitement from the others every time the line gets shorter is contagious. As they slowly approach the front door, the music grows louder. There’s a pair of guys arguing with the doorman and Mark rolls his eyes. He takes out his phone to check the time. Almost an hour and they’re just a few people away from getting in. Could’ve been worse. 

When they finally get inside Mark immediately heads to the dance floor. Neon signs illuminate it and he sees Donghyuck come up next to him, dragging Jaemin and Jeno next to him. Like usual Donghyuck is dancing with a bright smile on his face, like Jaemin. The only one who doesn’t seem to like it is Jeno, judging by his small movements.  

Mark goes up to Jeno and takes him to the bar, ordering a simple shot for himself right after. 

“Could tell you weren’t having fun,” Mark says when he sees Jeno’s confused face, hoping he’s loud enough to be heard over the music. 

Jeno smiles. “I’ll stay here to watch over Jaemin. You know how he gets.”

Mark laughs and sets his shot glass down on the counter. “You think you’ll survive here by yourself?” 

“Yeah,” Jeno says,“Go already.”

“Fine, if you want me gone that badly,” Mark teases and jostles through the crowd of people. It doesn’t take him that long to find Donghyuck and Jaemin. Both of them have red cheeks and their hair is sticking to their foreheads. 

“What do you think would happen if I went up to that guy over there and asked for his number?” Donghyuck asks, pointing to a boy close to the bar. 

Jaemin looks at him, eyebrows raised. “Don’t tell me you’re interested in that guy. He’s not even cute,” he pauses and asks, ”How long has it been since you hooked up with someone?”

“A while,” Donghyuck says. 

"Doesn’t mean you should just go with anyone,” Mark says. For some reason this conversation makes him feel sick, but it’s probably just the alcohol settling in.

“Says you,” Donghyuck giggles, “Or is there a chance you secretly want me to pick you?” 

“Nah, not really,” Mark says. But now that the thought is there and the alcohol is making him imagine it…He has to admit that he does. Maybe just a little bit.

Donghyuck’s eyes linger on him for a moment, before they flick away. “Tonight isn’t about that kinda stuff. Let’s just have fun.”

“Right, that’s why I’m gonna go get a drink,” Jaemin shouts before rushing to the bar.

Now they’re alone in a crowd of people. And once again, Donghyuck is looking tempting to say the least. He can't look at him or else his self control will snap entirely. Even a glance is getting too much. “Forgive me, but I’m gonna head to the bathroom.”

“You’re okay, right?” Donghyuck asks.

“Yeah.” 

Mark pushes through the sweaty bodies around the dancefloor and lets out a relieved sigh at the short line in front of the bathrooms, but the relief is short-lived when he steps inside. 

Discarded bottles and mysterious fluids are spilled all over the floor and his face twists in disgust as he steps in, closing the door with a low thump. The smells of a gross mix of beer, various perfumes and probably vomit hang in the air. It’s nauseating, making him crinkle his nose. He bends down in front of the sink, splashing water on his hot cheeks. 

It takes a lot for him to not let his own stupidity sour his mood. He clicks his tongue in annoyance, settling his lips into a thin line. The mirror is stained, a faint filter settles over his reflection, the lights making it hard to see anything. He dries his face with a towel and almost stumbles over someone passed out on the floor when he kicks the door open. Then takes a deep breath, happy to be out of the stuffy room.

He finds the others still in the same place. Donghyuck talks with exaggerated gestures as Jeno holds on to Jaemin's waist like it's his only calling in life. Speaking of Jaemin, he hangs on Jeno's shoulder, laughing about God knows what. And it's obvious from their flushed cheeks and that they keep laughing about nothing, that all of them are drunk already. 

Mark frowns at the tight, hot air that makes his clothes stick to his skin from sweat as he sits at the empty stool. Immediately, he orders another drink that he quickly gulps down, wanting to just be out of his head. 

So he orders another. And another.

His hands clench around the glass tightly, the cold cup stinging against his palm. The air is heavy with the smell of sweaty bodies and an intoxicating mix of too many colognes and it feels like his head is throbbing from the loud music. He takes another sip, wincing at the bitterness of the drink.  

And for a while everything seems to be okay. People around him dance, laugh, talk, hell even Jeno looks like he's having a good time. Mark brings another glass to his lips, but stills when Donghyuck looks at him sternly as he holds his hand to stop Mark from taking even a sip. It's weird. Usually Donghyuck doesn’t act so stuck-up about him drinking.

"What's your problem?" Mark says. 

Donghyuck shakes his head and takes the half empty glass out of Mark’s weak grip. “I think you’ve had enough.” 

“Can’t I have one more?” Mark pleads. A bitter smile on his lips as he glances at the empty glasses on the sticky counter. 

“What? Do you want to feel like shit later?” 

“I’m thriving actually,” Mark says. “And I didn't even-” 

Something hits his head as he stands up and he sees someone giving him a displeased scowl. Mark crinkles his nose and starts giggling when he sees Donghyuck’s comically shocked expression. 

“Stop laughing,” Donghyuck says, lips barely twitching into a smile, before he hushes an apology to the stranger and starts walking, pulling Mark along beside him.

“Hyuck, where are we going?” 

“Balcony. You look like you’re overheating,” Donghyuck says. 

“I told you, I’m doing great, better than ever,” Mark argues, clinging to his arm.

The music pounds in his ears, but it gets significantly more muffled as Donghyuck opens the sliding glass door to the balcony in the back of the bar. Now they’re standing near the main street. Cars and people pass by, illuminated by street lights and store signs.

The night air is cooler, more pleasant, as it brushes against his burning cheeks and sweat glistening hands. 

The night holds a quietness and tranquillity to him, as he looks at the stars that glisten above him. Mark blinks at Donghyuck as the moonlight brightens the side of his face. It holds restlessness.

A gust of wind brushes through his hair, making his furrowed brows more visible. The top buttons of his shirt are undone, exposing a bit of his sunkissed skin. 

“Mark? Are you still with me?” Donghyuck makes eye contact with him, hands buried in his pocket and brows slightly furrowed.

“Yeah,” Mark mutters, barely able to keep his eyes open. 

“Good, I was starting to get nervous, you did drink, well,” Donghyuck winces slightly. “Enough to be not much less than a corpse tomorrow.”

Mark laughs, short and breathless as he's becoming unable to ignore the dizziness. "And you almost got mad at me for it."

The lights from the bar shine behind Donghyuck, almost like a halo. Mark's smile fades as he takes in how Donghyuck's eyes waver, brimming with emotions he can't be asked to figure out with his fogged up mind.

The playfulness in his own gaze changes into something intense, less restrained.

“Is something wrong?” Donghyuck asks.

“No.” Mark stumbles a little over a crack in the stone floor as steps forward, almost caging Donghyuck against the wall with his arms, looking him in the eyes. “So pretty, you don’t even know…” he mutters absentmindedly.

Donghyuck looks up at him, lips parted, cheeks pink from the cold air brushing past them. His hair flutters slightly in the wind, making the innocent, yet anticipating look in his eyes more visible.

Then he raises his brow like a silent invitation that hangs in the air between them for a few seconds. 

If Mark was thinking clearly he wouldn’t look at his lips again, or lay his hand on the side of his jaw. He wouldn’t lean forward intentionally and glance at Donghyuck again, tilting his head.

He feels himself leaning forward. And their lips touch, but Mark remains careful, still restraining himself from pouring everything he keeps buried deep in his heart out, but the touch is there.

He isn't sure who closed the gap, but he could swear that he feels Donghyuck move against him with more pressure than Mark would ever allow himself. He swears Donghyuck grips his hips, hands sliding up to his waist. And Donghyuck is the one to bite his lower lip just slightly, teasingly. Then his warmth is gone. 

“You're- We shouldn’t do this. Not like this,” Donghyuck says, trailing off with a pitiful smile. His eyes are wide, shoulders tense and tips of his ears slightly red. 

Mark stays silent.

“Stay here. I’ll go look for them,” Donghyuck says, back already turning towards Mark before he fades into the crowd.

The door clicks shut, leaving everything to feel hollow, cold and empty. A frown grows on Mark’s lips, hands fumbling with the hem of his sleeves as he turns towards the street to look at the people walking by, eyes unfocused and hazy.

Silence. Agonising, mocking silence. 

He lets his head hang low, vision blurring slightly. Maybe he can’t hold himself together as well as he tries to convince himself. And it makes him want to bang his head against the wall for losing control like this. It’s not like him to act so careless, reckless and irresponsible. 

Fucking idiot, moron, dumbass. 

He knows what these feelings are that tug at him. Guilt. And most of all disappointment. He exhales sharply, hands shaking just a little. Maybe from nerves or the cold, he doesn't care and simply stays there, trying not to think about anything as he waits. 

Mark quirks a brow and turns to the door when it opens again. Donghyuck stands there with Jaemin and Jeno on either side of him, expression unreadable.

Jaemin however looks as bad as Mark feels. His hair is messy, eyeshadow smudged, his cheeks are red as he giggles and hangs off Donghyuck’s shoulder with one arm.

Jeno looks like he always does, composed, put together and the slightest bit amused. 

The way through the crowd and along the sidewalk pass in a haze. Mark keeps swaying on his feet, blinking at the harsh white lights that line the empty, almost unsettling, parking lot. It's silent, the night doesn't feel relaxing now, rather tense and oppressive.

Mark stumbles forward, shivering at the cold wind that howls and rustles the leaves above them.  

“Get on my back.” 

Mark looks at him apologetically and shakes his head.

“Don’t make me ask again,” Donghyuck says. 

His words bite through the eerie stillness and Mark surrenders as to stop himself from disappointing Donghyuck even more. So, he wordlessly lets himself get picked up, closing his eyes to drown out how much his head is spinning. Because of his growing fatigue, he buries his face in the crook of Donghyuck’s neck, taking in his familiar scent. 

“Look, when I said we should have fun, I didn’t mean it like this.” 

“Hmm?” Mark hums. 

 “Anything would’ve been better than getting shitfaced,” Donghyuck says quietly. 

“It’s more bearable like this,” Mark mumbles. 

“What?”

Mark doesn’t answer and lets himself fall into the backseat of their car, eyes drooping closed, but he doesn't sleep, his body feeling weirdly alert. The soft hum of tires on the street is the only thing filling the suffocating silence as Mark glances at Donghyuck from time to time. Every glimpse he catches holds an expression between confusion and agitation.

He pushes his head against the cold window to numb his headache, watching the night pass by on the road ahead. Another glance. The same expression. Mark plays with his ring, wanting to cry, but he refuses to let himself and chokes back a strangled noise in his throat. 

"Something wrong back there?" Jeno asks, hands steady as he pulls into the street of their dorm building.

"No, why?" Donghyuck asks. 

"Dunno, I feel like Mark is somehow doing worse than Jaemin this time."

Donghyuck shrugs, glancing at Mark before nodding. "He'll be okay. Thanks for taking us home, see you both next week."

Jeno laughs. “Anytime.” 

They both get off, Mark swaying on his feet, but keeping a gap between himself and Donghyuck. While the car takes off and they start to walk, a warm hand grabs Mark’s cold one, but he pulls away, biting back a frown. He keeps his eyes locked on the pavement, puddles glistening under the street lights. With every step he takes, it splashes water on his shoes and pants. He frowns slightly.

Mark forces his legs up the stairs, hands tightly gripping the railing. Cold white walls surround him, echoing his heavy breathing. He squints at the piercing lights above them and loosely grips the railing, trying to prevent falling down. 

Donghyuck watches with an amused expression. “You’re ridiculous.”

As he opens the door, Donghyuck immediately sinks down on their worn down couch. "God, this was exhausting."

Mark drops next to him and blinks rapidly, unsure of what to say, and absentmindedly chews on his lower lip. He takes a deep breath to gather himself and pushes himself up, wordlessly dragging his feet to his room. 

The door shuts behind him with a quiet click and he lays on his bed. A sigh escapes his lips into the suffocating silence he dreads every evening. When it’s just him and his thoughts. 

There’s no way Donghyuck would kiss him back. It has to be the alcohol lying to him. He has to be reading into it too much, overthinking it and trying to rationalise this gaping nervousness that’s threatening to swallow him whole. 

He desperately squeezes his eyes shut, curling into himself. The throbbing headache ripping his skull apart with every movement, every thought. Needless to say, he's already dreading the approaching hangover. 

Half of the night passes with him laying awake, half from the dull ache in his tense muscles, half from not knowing what to expect from Donghyuck now.

As the sky turns a lighter blue, he trudges to his window to watch the sunrise while resting his elbows on the windowsill. How he wishes to be knocked out again. How he wishes last night never happened.

 There’s sizzling from the kitchen so he assumes Donghyuck is awake too by now. First he checks his wrist watch, it’s eight am, he groans internally as he walks through the tight hallway. It smells of hot coffee, something sweet and Donghyuck’s perfume.  

“Morning,” he says lowly, covering his eyes with his hand against the bright lamp. 

Donghyuck glances at him, humming a song while flipping pancakes. “Damn, I didn’t think you could look even worse. I put some pain meds and water out for you,” he says and gestures towards the table.

“Thanks,” Mark mumbles, attempting a smile and pulling his arms as close as possible, pressing on his stomach.

He takes the glass and a pill, gulping down the water to combat his dry throat. In a desperate attempt to keep his eyes open, he rubs them a few times, feeling a little exposed and dare he say vulnerbale under Donghyuck's careful gaze. It's not overbearing, just present. 

“You want some?” Donghyuck says, a satisfied smile on his lips when he takes a nearly perfect pancake out of the pan. 

Mark shakes his head and holds back a yawn. For a moment he lets his body fall limp, slumping into the wooden chair. Normally his hangover headaches aren’t this bad. 

"An empty stomach isn't going to make you feel better, you know?" 

Mark scoffs. "I know."

Every bit of last night keeps flooding into his head. How his lips felt on Donghyuck’s, how soft his skin is and how he ran. Shouldn’t Donghyuck hate him now?  

The hollow clank of two plates being set on the table, accompanied by two forks and two glasses of water, pulls him out of his thoughts. 

“Here.” Donghyuck holds a glass of water towards him. "Now eat some, I'm not asking."  

Mark nods and takes a bite. It feels like a rock settles in his stomach as he swallows it, heavy and like it's not supposed to be for him.

As he looks at Donghyuck a familiar, but unwanted, sting appears in his eyes, from intense fear and lingering guilt, that he frantically tries to rub away.

Because Donghyuck looks like he barely had rest last night, eyes droopy, hair sticking up weirdly and there's an unusuaö slowness to his movements.

Yet here he is, cooking for Mark, trying everything to make him feel better. Hell, Donghyuck even made sure he doesn't fall flat on his face the night before, endlessly caring to someone so undeserving. 

Mark lays his head on his knees, pressing down on his forehead to forcefully shut his head up.

A moment of silence passes. His heart is hammering in his chest. “I swear I’m never drinking again,” Mark laughs, forced and airy.

“You say that every time.” Donghyuck grins. 

He can tell from Donghyuck’s expression that it bothers him, so why doesn’t he tell him off like he should?

Mark looks away from Donghyuck. Nothing seems to lift the heaviness off his chest.

Even when he fucks up, Donghyuck still cooks for him, talks to him and looks at him like he’s something. But he should be disappointed, forcing him away. It would feel more fair than whatever this is.

Chapter Text

Mark’s eyes are steady on the road, hands gripping the steering wheel as his mind wanders off to his most recent hookup. A week ago, with some girl he doesn’t exactly remember the name of. 

He pictures the silhouette of her against the window as the first sunrays stream into her room, remembering how his shoulders felt sore while he felt drowsy and weirdly unsatisfied. 

The scratch marks from her long acrylics and the itching feeling of growing hickeys lingered all over his body, they still do. Red lipstick, long, flowing black hair, cold with sheets and his own hair grossly sticking to his forehead. Her sickeningly sweet perfume also isn’t his favorite. 

All he wanted was just to forget about Donghyuck for one damn night. Unsuccessfully. 

Kissing her, touching her was more like working down a list to get her off than enjoying anything about it himself. But he’s okay with that. Like every time. She texted him after, saying she wants to meet up with him again, and Mark, being the loser he is, agrees.  She’s not the first to do this and definitely won’t be the last. Simply because he has a reputation to uphold.

With his last bit of energy, he pushes himself up from the bed, throws on his clothes, picks up his phone and keys before he rushes out the door. When he finds his car in the foreign neighbourhood, he throws himself into the driver's seat and tightly grips the steering wheel.

Clearly, last night didn’t fix anything. He groans internally and starts driving to the dorm. 

For someone never allowed to explore that side of himself until being shoved away to live alone, Mark thinks he’s doing okay. Without his parents staring at him and everything he does over his shoulder, he does things he likes to think of as the opposite of what they want from him. 

Countless one night stands over the years, getting wasted, all that kind of stuff. 

He gets those nights done, feels fine, gives and gives until he gives out, never caring about receiving even half of it. The gaping hole in his chest after isn’t their responsibility.  

A touch here, a stroke there, lips grazing and sucking sweetly but without any meaning. Every kiss, every hand on him means nothing more than that he’s good enough for a night. Looking at him, but never really seeing. Touching, but never really feeling. 

It used to be enough. 

He used to think that it can satiate his own needs, even when he doesn’t deserve to. In that search to find more, he started sleeping around more and more, solidifying his name as the campus slut. What a title to carry while simultaneously being the church boy. 

Mark scoffs with a wavering smile.

Both these things are part of who he is, as ridiculous as it sounds, given they’re undoubtedly contradicting. And he has to admit, it has a ring to it. The utter hypocrisy makes him chuckle as he pulls into some alley. It’s a short cut, maybe a dangerous one, but anything to get home faster.

Another turn left, one right and he sees the stupid dorm building looming in front of him. 

On his way inside, he keeps his hands stuffed in his pockets, head low, thoughts racing.

By now the sun is rising, replacing the street lights that previously illuminated the crowded city. He parks the car, steps out and runs a hand through his hair. 

Mark drags his drowsy body through the front door and it’s quiet in the apartment, too quiet. So much that he distinctly hears every breath, every rustle of leaves outside, every step sounding louder than it should. He simply lies down on his bed, discarding his shoes somewhere in a corner. 

And like always his thoughts circle around Donghyuck. Of course, neither of them said a word about the kiss since it happened. Him taking care of Mark, aiding his hangover the night after everything happened, ended abruptly. The dorm is just silent and most of all lonely.

Everything else seems the same between them. At least on the surface. They still talk when they see each other, but Mark can tell Donghyuck is avoiding him. 

Lately he always busies himself by hanging out with their friends, calling them or spending time by himself. The memories he has from the night before are rather foggy, but he does remember laying his lips on Donghyuck’s at some point. It flashes through him like lightning, tingling his lips and at the same time pulling at his chest. 

Maybe Donghyuck feels lost too. 

Hours pass and he taps his fingers on the table while he sits in front of his laptop and pushes his glasses up with his knuckles. It’s already dark outside and he’s been alone for hours, tired of reading the boring texts, but not tired enough to sleep. 

Deadlines have got to be his worst enemy and they beat him a long time ago.

He turns to his assignment, tapping his pencil against the paper. Patience. He will be here soon. Then he can go ahead and ask where the hell he was. 

Empty cans of energy drinks and a pile of unfinished notes that are carelessly scribbled during his lectures are scattered all over his desk. It’s messy and Mark runs a hand through his hair, knowing Donghyuck would definitely complain about the mess later. 

His pen scratches against the paper of his scruffy notebook as he copies some words from a random video he found online. But he can’t concentrate as he keeps looking back and forth between the paper in front of him and the front door. The shadows from the sun that spills in from the window stretch further as he waits, playing with the pen in his hand.

Neither of them dare to talk about what happened, Mark feels everything unsaid linger on his tongue and he wonders when or if the day would come. The day they finally settle it, keep everything like before.

He pauses the video and scrolls through his phone, gradually feeling more confused as he looks through his chats hoping to see something, anything, of Donghyuck.

No sign of him. Not even a text. No used dishes in the kitchen, crumpled up blankets on the couch, faint laughing or talking through the door accompanied by gaming noises.

Their group chat is just as quiet, and he assumes it’s because all of them are either sleeping or studying like he’s, well, trying to.

Lately it feels like his mind is wiped of anything but Donghyuck. He notices it himself, how his thoughts always circle back to him, even if he doesn’t and would never voice most of it.

He sighs, running a hand through his hair as he sits in front of his pile of homework. It’s pointless. He needs to fix this first. Tell Donghyuck how sorry he is, tell him how he doesn’t want to ruin it between them. And not tell him how badly he wants to kiss him again. 

Maybe not now. 

There’s only so many excuses he can tell himself. He pushes his chair away from the desk, back aching from sitting hunched over for too long and his eyes sting from looking at the screen of his laptop. 

But he’s not sure what to do with himself and awkwardly stands in front of his window, taking in the glittering stars, the empty street, only lit by a few street lights and the low hum of cars passing by occasionally.

·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Everything feels fine during and between classes. All his friends are acting normal, joking around, teasing

and being their usual selves. But Mark felt off all day as he nodded along with whatever Chenle talked about across from him.  

Like something is wrong, like there’s something deeply unresolved, and he knows exactly what it is.

In front of everyone else Donghyuck still smiles, makes his typical jokes and acts like he always does. Call Mark paranoid but he feels that night is the reason for this shift. 

It sticks with him for days. When he showers, when he watches things on his phone with a blank mind, when he forces himself to study, anything really. There’s no way they can take that night to the grave.

He flicks the lighter in his hand and gazes out the window. The sun is long gone, hues of blue and deep shadows replacing it, accompanied by glittering lights of the city. 

As he brings the cigarette to his lips, he halts when there’s faint fumbling, rattling and a quiet click from the front door, eyes instantly flicking into its direction.

A low thump follows and Mark perks up, making as little noise as he can. 

Slowly, another door opens, scraping against the wooden floor.

Mark immediately goes out of his room. He feels his mouth fall agape at the sight of his best friend. Dishevelled hair, a black shirt that looks at least three sizes too big and black shorts that hang lazily on his hips.

Not in his usual effortless way, he just looks tired. Donghyuck rubs his eyes and Mark wants to tell himself he’s tripping when there’s a faint redness around the corners of them

“Why are you still up?” Donghyuck asks, brushing his bangs out of his face. 

“Didn’t wanna sleep,” Mark says.

“Where were you yesterday?” Donghyuck asks, rolling his eyes.

“Out,” Mark says, lips flicking into a faint smirk. “I brought you something.”

Donghyuck tilts his head. “Oh?” 

“Dude, it’s nothing crazy.”

Mark doesn’t leave him time to reply and rushes to his room, picks up the bags and walks back as fast as possible.

A grunt falls from his lips as he sets his bags on the floor with a thump.

Takeout, those weird Chocobi snacks and a can of beer for each of them. All to hopefully get Donghyuck to feel better about whatever is bothering him. 

God, he’s pathetic. 

Mark gestures for him to look through the bags and sets the takeout on the coffee table, a soft smile tugging at his lips. “Think you might need this today.” 

“How-How’d you know I had a shitty day?” Donghyuck says. “I didn’t even tell you anything.”

“I have a sixth sense,” Mark teases sits down on the couch. He feels Donghyuck follow his movements before his eyes set on the bag of takeout. “Go ahead.”

“Don’t you wanna know what happened?” 

“Hm, not gonna push you into talking, dude. Just wanna make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”

They quietly start to eat. Well, actually it’s mostly just Donghyuck. All Mark is left with is a couple bites of chicken, but he’s okay with that. Donghyuck needs it more.

“You even got me Chocobi?” Donghyuck says mid-bite, eyes growing wide.

“Man, don’t talk with your mouth full.” 

“As if you never do that,” Donghyuck says and puts his chopsticks down before he sets them next to the plate, hands already moving towards the candy.

To Mark he looks like an overly excited child. Maybe, just maybe, it’s a little bit cute. Sometimes giving him small things like this is just a simple gesture. 

They might’ve developed the no gift rule and all, but that one only applies to birthdays or other special occasions, not when someone’s feeling shitty. And frankly Mark doesn’t care about that rule as much as Donghyuck does. 

“If these have the stickers I’m missing, I owe you one,” Donghyuck says, tugging at the opening of the first box. “Want some?”

Mark shakes his head, smiling. “All yours.”

Donghyuck fumbles with the bag, rips it open and rummages for the sticker. His shoulders slump, a child-like expression grows on his face. “Damn it, I already have that one,” he says. 

"Sue me,” Mark says. “If I knew I would have made sure you’d get one you don’t have.”

“How are you supposed to do that?” Donghyuck scoffs in disbelief.

“I have my ways,” Mark smirks faintly. “Besides, you have like five more to get through.”

They decide to turn on a movie, which is always a huge sacrifice on Mark’s end. He just happens to dislike romcoms and they just happen to be the only thing Donghyuck likes. Anything for that idiot. Maybe he can use it to his advantage some time and make him do something that Donghyuck doesn’t like all that much, just for fun.

It quietly plays in the background, and normally Donghyuck would be making commentary about the stupid things characters do. Right now he’s silent, still pouting a little. Whatever is bothering him definitely still isn’t out of his mind yet. 

And like he feels Mark looking, Donghyuck turns to him, opening his mouth, clearly still putting his thoughts together. “Okay, I think I should tell you.” Donghyuck's voice is quiet, uncertain.

Mark nods, turning his attention towards him more visibly.

“I went on a date,” Donghyuck says, popping a chocolate star into his mouth. He chews thoughtfully and sets the package down, grinning. “It went so bad I almost jumped in front of a bus.”

Maybe Mark’s an asshole for being the slightest bit glad that it didn’t work out. Yes, he obviously wants his best friend to be happy, but something about that guy still irks him. And the thought of his best friend being off the market irks him even more.

“And you’re sure it’s not you being dramatic,” Mark teases with a small grin.

“I wish that’s what it was. First of all he showed up late, made me pay for everything, not just food, also transportation and- I don’t even,” Donghyuck pouts. “The whole time he only talked about himself and as if all that isn’t bad enough, he got a call from some girl and left me in the middle of the restaurant by myself. With the bill and everything, I had to walk home while it was raining.”

“Dude, there’s no way-”

But before Mark can even get appropriately pissed, Donghyuck smiles at him, genuine, warm. It doesn’t exactly soften the blow, but it forces Mark to calm himself down.

“Don’t. It’s not even that serious,” Donghyuck says. 

“Sure, that’s why you basically kept yourself locked in here.”

“I just thought I needed some time alone to get into my best shape again,” Donghyuck says.“But you made me feel so much better.” 

Donghyuck pauses for a few seconds, looking at Mark with glittering eyes, lips slightly parting.  

“What?” Mark quirks a brow. 

“You’re all I really need.” 

“I’m not,” Mark laughs.

The fact that Donghyuck says this kind of stuff to him so easily. It could make him believe it’s earnest. Maybe it is. 

If so, he can’t even begin to explain just how wrong Donghyuck is for saying that. He’s anything but what he needs. However he tries, really tries, to be enough for him. And that’s not an easy task when a lot of people want a piece of your best friend.

Really, Mark is just one of many. Nothing special, maybe even replaceable. 

Obviously Donghyuck is someone people would consider a catch. Even though he’s straight, it’d be a lie to say anything else. Something he realised over time is that Donghyuck is picky. 

A lot of people ask him out when they go to parties, sometimes even outside randomly and Mark always watches him reject them. He remembers the time when Donghyuck told him he wanted to choose his partner carefully, settle down with him. But Mark never bothered asking why.

All he can do is lower his gaze, picking at his nails. 

Donghyuck giggles. “You goddamn idiot. I’m being nice to you here.”

“Right, shouldn’t take that for granted,” Mark says, trying to keep himself together. “These sappy movies are really getting to you.”

“Shut up,” Donghyuck says and despite the bite in his tone, he smiles. A genuine, amused one that makes 

Mark realise just how much he missed this. As silly as it sounds. 

They continue watching the movie in a comfortable silence, with lingering glances and hands that hover above the other’s for seconds too long. Donghyuck turns to Mark, pausing the movie, expression unreadable. 

“Mark. I really gotta tell you something. A few things, actually.”

“Sure,” Mark then says, keeping his voice relaxed, too relaxed. But he can’t help his brows from furrowing. “Is something wrong?” he asks, cautious. 

“No.”

“Then what is it?” 

Donghyuck stays silent, obviously looking anywhere but at Mark. 

“Just talk to me,” Mark says, biting his inner cheek. There’s some desperation in his voice that he fails to hide, but it doesn’t matter to him right now.

Donghyuck scoffs, looking down into his lap as he plays with his hands. “I don’t know how or where to start. Maybe we should just leave it.”

“No. Not until you say what the hell is wrong,” Mark says. He takes a deep breath to swallow down the frustration he feels brooding in his chest. 

Silence. Donghyuck takes a deep breath, untying the knots he pulled too tightly.  

“It's not the only date I went on. I can't count how many it is anymore. Like at the party. I mean, I really didn’t like that guy that much and I still wanted to shoot my shot. I don't even have expectations anymore, but I still get disappointed. Like things just have to go so…wrong for me.”

He looks dejected, shoulders slumped, small pout on his lips and cheeks slightly red. 

“No one ever feels right.” There’s a contemplative gaze in Donghyuck’s eyes, holding doubt, hope and a hint of uncertainty. “All I keep thinking about is when you and I…”

Mark freezes. 

It has to be about that night. Call him crazy, but he’s sure that’s what Donghyuck can’t bring himself to say. And Mark can’t bring himself to come up with any excuse. Because he doesn’t have one.

“When you and I kissed. You were drunk and never said a word about it. Maybe you don’t even remember. Or maybe it was an accident,” Donghyuck says. A long pause, then a sigh, like he’s trying to hold his words back. “Don’t hate me for this, but I want you to kiss me again.” 

He gets up and goes to push past Mark, keeping his head down, but Mark holds his wrist to stop him.

“Mark ,let me go.” 

“Why?” Mark mutters, standing up with tense shoulders, “Why do you wanna kiss me again?”

“God, I hope you’re not planning to kill me right now,” Donghyuck trails off. “I know you’re not-”

“Not gay? Yeah, my bad,” Mark says sarcastically, “You don’t even think of me like that.” 

Donghyuck looks down. For once, he doesn’t look self assured. Instead he looks at the black screen in front of them, almost like he’s guilty. 

Mark leans down, eyebrows raised, a pensive gaze in his eyes. He knows by now that he wants it, no matter how much his conscience tells him he shouldn’t. The look on Donghyuck’s face is pushing him closer and closer to the line he always told himself he would never cross. 

If he begs God enough, then maybe he could be forgiven for it. 

And honestly, his guidance is not what Mark needs anymore, for a long time. It’s been shoved into a corner of his head, watching and lingering, but not quite pulling at him enough to keep him from doing the stupid thing he’s about to do.

He leans a little closer and takes his hand. Feeling more than unsure how to go about this, what he wants. He wishes he could simply say what he wants. 

“Stop making me think you’d do it,” Donghyuck says, finally making eye contact and grinning. 

It looks the same as always, teasing, a little cocky. It’s the same one he sports around their friends. But something feels off about it. It’s too shaky, unsteady, like he’s almost as nervous as Mark. A rare sight that has him furrow his brows as he holds Donghyuck’s chin up with his thumb. The air is thick with hesitation and agonising doubt. Both of them wanting the other to make the first move. 

His hands twitch, eyes flicking up and down between his lap and Donghyuck’s lips. 

Donghyuck straddles his lap, his pressure feeling both new and familiar. “Don’t be so nervous,” he says, tone just a little teasing.

“Sorry, I just- I never-” Mark lowers his gaze, embarrassed. 

“Is something wrong?” 

“Yes? No?”

“Hey, It’s okay.” Donghyuck chuckles and guides Mark’s hand to his jaw, locking eyes in a way that feels reassuring. 

Mark fumbles a little, but does what he knows best and grazes Donghyuck’s jaw with his thumb, unintentionally firm, and leans forward, painfully slow. “I don’t know how to do this,” he says.

“You’re doing well so far.” Donghyuck quirks a brow.

They’re close enough to feel each other’s breath, their voices just a faint whisper between them.

He takes a deep breath before Donghyuck leans forward, pressing their lips together. It’s short, tentative and slow, barely touching. 

And like it burns him, Mark flinches and pulls himself off, just enough to see Donghyuck’s wide eyes waver. 

“Is that all?” Donghyuck mutters, cheeks pink. 

Mark opens his mouth, about to defend himself, but Dongyhuck is keeping him in place with a firm grip around his hips, an annoyingly smug smile tugging his lips. 

“I know you can do better.” 

Donghyuck licks his lips, scanning Mark up and down. 

Every word Mark is about to say dissipates into a choked sound. He brushes a hand through his hair before settling both of them on Donghyuck’s waist, his touch still light and careful. 

Desperation, need and pure selfishness overcome his thoughts. And he surges forward, moving his mouth against Donghyuck’s with more pressure. Fueled by pure want and the need to get his pent up frustration out of his system. 

He always thought touching a man like this would feel less natural than it does. It pushes him further when he feels Donghyuck melt into it. And it makes him want more just as much as it makes him want to crawl into his bed, locked away from everyone.

Donghyuck’s hands roam Mark’s back, neck and thighs before settling on his hips, pulling him closer and opening his mouth to give Mark access.

 He takes it, moving his tongue along Donghyuck’s lower lip. It feels like the best wrong thing ever.

“You always do whatever I ask you to,” Donghyuck whispers. 

Mark laughs, running out of words to explain himself. A broken gasp slips past him when Donghyuck shifts just right. “Fuck,” he mutters, “You’re gonna make me lose it.”

Donghyuck leans in close, blocking out the light behind him, lips brushing his ear. “Go ahead.” 

He can’t hold back anymore. It’s all too much. 

He lifts Donghyuck in one motion and presses his back on the couch, settling between his legs. Donghyuck instantly reaches for him with slightly widened eyes and pulls him in, kissing him like he’s starving for it.

Mark kisses back even harder, hands sliding down Donghyuck’s waist to his hips, only letting his fingertips feel the warmth under them. They move with each other like they do it every night. 

His lips feel perfect against his own. So soft, somehow better when he’s sober. He doesn’t kiss like his personality. Honestly, Mark expected him to be more demanding, assertive and fierce. But he likes it the way it is even more. Needy, pliant. Like he wants it to happen more than Mark does. But he’s sure that’s not reality. 

Donghyuck’s hands move under his shirt, roaming his waist and back, brushing all his sensitive spots. He sucks in a sharp breath when Donghyuck moves his lips along his jaw, biting and sucking, teeth grazing him sharply. 

He looks up at Mark when he slightly backs away from him. Mark is sure he can’t get enough of seeing him like that. His lips a dark pink, cheeks flushed and pupils dilated. 

After a while they pull apart, lips red, cheeks hot. 

“Was that good enough for you?” Mark asks, eyes darting anywhere but in Donghyuck’s direction. 

“For now,” Donghyuck muses. 

Mark blinks at him, uncomfortable without the warmth. It ends before it goes too far and he knows he should be grateful for it, but it feels like he’s doing it on purpose. Maybe Donghyuck notices how scared he is. 

“Why are you suddenly so embarrassed?” Donghyuck asks after a while. 

“I’m not,” Mark says and glances at their hands, just now realizing they’re intertwined. Maybe he is embarrassed. He tries to move his hand away, but Donghyuck holds it with more strength. “We still can, you know, talk.” 

“That’s good because I didn’t tell you everything yet.” Donghyuck takes a short breath. “Hyung, this will sound weird but bear with me. I wanna do more than what we just did, like for a while actually.”

Mark tilts his head, not quite following him. 

“You know, more than kissing. I don't think I have to spell it out,” Donghyuck says almost nonchalantly.

“Are you fucking with me?” Mark asks, “If you are, it’s not funny.” 

Donghyuck laughs through his nose and rolls his eyes. “As much as I love making fun of you, I’m not joking right now. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

For a moment it’s silent around them as Mark swallows thickly with wide eyes. “I…” he blinks slowly, “You’re really serious?” 

There’s no way someone like him would want Mark. 

“Yeah.”

Mark is grossly jealous of how freely he speaks his mind.

It feels the same as that time when Donghyuck came out to him. He said it so casually, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Maybe it is. But his  parents would consider it vulgar and tasteless. Mark would say he’s rather just envious seeing how upfront Donghyuck is about it.

He can feel Donghyuck's gaze, patiently waiting for any kind of reaction from him. 

Mark frowns, playing with his fingers.“I don’t understand why you’d want me," he mutters.

“You're hot and the way you just kissed me, it was nice,” says Donghyuck with unwavering confidence. 

“You don’t do hookups,” Mark says, raising a brow.

Donghyuck sighs. “It's just a thing between two friends. Like, we trust each other enough to do this,” he looks up at Mark. “It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Right. 

“I- Um-” Mark lowers his head, overwhelmed and embarrassed.  

“You can say no. I’m only suggesting,” Donghyuck says, tone too careful.

“Won’t this change too much between us?”

“It doesn’t have to.” Donghyuck’s lips curl upwards.

At this point he might as well. They have common ground, no one’s here to judge, and as long as it stays between them it should be okay. How could he refuse when Donghyuck is basically offering himself up like this? How could he say no? 

Mark lets out a disbelieving chuckle. “I…fuck. Okay, sure.”

“Great.” Donghyuck sounds way too excited about this, all things considered.  

“But like, right now?” 

“No, stupid. It’s like midnight and we have classes,” Donghyuck snickers, letting out an unrestrained yawn and stretching his arms upwards. 

Mark nods. It’s unspeakably late and he’s been taking up Donghyuck’s time that he should be using for rest. But before the shame can come Donghyuck speaks again with his stupid sweet voice he uses so rarely. 

“Goodnight,” Donghyuck whispers, shutting the door behind him. 

A few seconds pass with Mark staying in place, feeling weirdly dazed. Like he’s not really himself. 

In his bed, he pulls the blankets up, drowning himself in them, sighing into the silence. Something in his chest tingles and his head feels fuzzy. He still feels his hands on him. And in a way they felt wrong and right at the same time.

They fit in all the right places, held him with the perfect amount of firmness, and God, the way he looks at him. He could almost believe Donghyuck means way more than he says. 

It’s like there’s two strings pulling him in opposing directions. 

He still likes girls, he’s still attracted to girls. Not guys. Donghyuck is just an exception. And kissing a guy doesn’t make him gay, right? 

And at the end of the day, thinking your friends aren’t ugly, or maybe genuinely beautiful, is completely normal. He might just be reading too much into it.

Mark scoffs under his breath.  

And instead of tapping out when given the chance, he agreed to do whatever Donghyuck means by hooking up. More in the heat of the moment than anything. For all he knows his mind was foggy after kissing with so much…intensity? 

No that’s not what it is. He should call it something else. Eager maybe, too much to be meaningless. 

Whatever. 

Chapter Text

Junie

hi, have you been okay lately?

Mark 

yea

just tired 

He mentally scoffs at his lame excuse, knowing well that Renjun won’t let him off the hook that easily. 

Junie

did you and hyuck fight? 

More like the opposite, Mark scoffs. It would be so much easier  to explain a fight than whatever is going on between them now. It wouldn’t even be anything new for them. But no, it just has to be something way more complicated.

Mark 

no

it has nothing to do with him

Junie 

you know u can tell me anything 

Mark hesitates, staring at his screen for a moment as his finger hovers in front of the keyboard. Would it hurt to tell someone? His fingers tremble as he types out the words slowly.

Mark

i can’t explain it 

it’s been fucking me up for days

i feel like a mess

Junie 

let’s talk tomorrow

He frowns before he sends a message saying he agrees.

Then he gets up, rubbing his eyes, and not really feeling ready for another day of classes that consist of him waiting for his dismissal as soon as they start. 

Mark shoves his notebook, pens and phone into his backpack and slings it over his shoulder as he goes downstairs.

Outside, he’s immediately hit with the hushed noises of the city as it starts to wake up. The first sun rays hit his face, fighting the otherwise cold air. 

As he walks to the dreadful building, he keeps debating whether or not to tell Renjun everything about the situation with Donghyuck, or at least something. 

Maybe talking to him would help, or maybe it’ll make it worse. He can’t really tell. 

Of course, he will leave out who this is about. Even though Renjun may not even care about it that much, yet the thought of saying it makes him feel strange. 

As soon as he gets to the university, he sees Renjun trudging behind a bunch of people he assumes are art kids from a distance.

Renjun walks up to him, smiling before he sits down and shoving a thick, well loved sketchbook into his yellow backpack. 

What should he say? Should he immediately get to the topic or do simple smalltalk? 

Simple is good. Mark looks down, shifting his weight between his legs. “You look tired.” 

“So do you,” Renjun replies with a dry laugh.

“Nah, it’s cool,” Mark says. “Is your project going okay?”

Renjun sighs. “Should be good enough to pass.”

“You keep saying that and then do better than everyone else,” Mark laughs. 

“There’s always something that I could do better,” Renjun says. “And when I try to fix it and end up making everything worse.”

Mark knows exactly what he means. That’s just what creating is. Starting something, making mistakes that you try to fix, only to end up adding more and more mistakes along the way. And it fucking sucks. He can’t count on two hands how many times he almost ripped his hair out over it. Hell, he’d need at least fifty to count that.

“Don’t underestimate yourself, idiot,” Mark says. 

Renjun laughs, warm, genuine. “Take your own advice then. And isn’t there something we wanted to talk about?”

“Let’s do that after classes.” Mark tries to smile.

“Alright, we could get coffee then,” Renjun says. “And sorry we can’t do it today, you know classes are really pushing me to my limits.”

Mark is about to say something, but the words get caught in his throat when Donghyuck comes up to them with Jaemin by his side. Their arms are linked as they look at something on Jaemin’s phone. And for some reason Mark feels his chest twinge for a mere second. He tries to shrug it off and musters up the most normal smile possible. 

Just act normal. The only thought he keeps repeating.

“Everyone,” Donghyuck grins, “The main event is here. Thank you all for waiting.” 

Jaemin rolls his eyes, wearing his typical bright smile and pinches Donghyuck’s waist. “You somehow think more highly of yourself than I do. Congrats.”

“You’re still the most cocky of us,” Donghyuck says. 

To be fair, Mark can’t disagree. The pink hair, his obsession with that bunny thing and dressing in a way that could be considered girly. Not to mention the glitter he applies on his eyes when they go out. Jaemin always wears it all without an ounce of shame. 

In fact, Mark would say he does it out of spite. To piss anyone off that ever made fun of him for those things. For all the time they know each other, Jaemin never seems set off, nervous or unsure about anything. Sometimes Mark wonders if Jaemin is just born to be a naturally overconfident person.

The way he carries himself reeks of borderline self-righteousness that's condescending sometimes, and feelings towards yourself that are a very fond. Kind of understandable that Jaemin always holds his head high, probably without realising it makes him come across that way. 

Mark knows that’s not what he’s like. At least not all of the time. And he assumes Jaemin is simply allergic to being vulnerable. 

“That’s something to be proud of,” Jaemin says.

“It really isn’t,” Renjun says. 

Jaemin laughs so loud that Mark grimaces a bit. There’s never a day where Jaemin holds himself back, kind of similar to Donghyuck. Both of them are needlessly confident, not overbearingly. At least not most of the time. 

Sometimes Mark doesn’t really understand them. How they think and interpret things around them.

However they seem to function pretty well as a unit. They get along better than they let on, or how people might expect them to. 

A lot of people, Mark included, thought their personalities would clash, but they seem to understand each other in ways that Mark can’t quite wrap his head around. That’s probably why they like getting on his nerves so much. 

And it would be a lie to day Mark isn't the slightest bit jealous of these qualities. Confidence is both a blessing and a curse, but he would like to know what it feels like to even have a fragment of it.

Jaemin slurps coffee as he untangles from Donghyuck’s arm.

“Man, I will never get how you drink that,” Mark says, gesturing towards it with a displeased expression.

“I need the caffeine,” Jaemin retaliates.

“It’s straight up poison.”

“At least my eye bags don’t have eye bags,” Jaemin grins and takes another sip.

“It adds personality or something,” Mark says.

Donghyuck laughs and ruffles Mark’s hair. “Yeah, the nerdy type. Your glasses aren’t helping your case by the way.”

“What’s wrong with my glasses?” Mark smoothes his hair out and glances away.

“Nothing. I’m just saying they make you look nerdy,” Donghyuck says, tone casual. “It suits you.”

Mark shrugs, feeling the tips of his ears grow hotter. “Whatever, man. I gotta go to class.” 

He immediately starts walking, ignoring the glances his friends shoot at each other, his shoes scraping against the cracked stone floor.

The air in the lecture hall feels stuffy on his skin. As if he’s in a damn sauna. It’s probably why his cheeks feel so warm and something in his chest tingles when he thinks back to just a few minutes ago. 

His hands clammy, movements slow, he sits down in his usual chair, not really bothering to engage in more conversation with anyone. 

His head is just too riddled with a lack of sleep and something else. A thing he really doesn’t want to get into any more than surface level when he should be focusing on whatever the professor is rambling on about in the front there. 

·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•

When the professor dismisses class, Mark jumps up from his seat and dashes out the hall, pushing through the load of students and aiming for the door to the main street. 

He exhales as soon as he gets out and looks up at the sky. It’s orange and yellow, casting everything in a warm glow as the shadows of trees that line the street stretch along it. 

Donghyuck isn’t here yet. None of their friends can see him. It’s the perfect time to have a smoke.

Immediately, he fishes through his backpack and takes out a crumpled pack of cigarettes, the label on the box nearly ripped off. The lighter clicks and he absentmindedly puffs out a cloud of smoke, letting his eyes wander along the students passing him as he waits for his friends. 

 Another cloud of smoke coming out from a long exhale. 

There’s a couple walking past the campus, holding hands as the guy whispers something that makes the girl laugh. The guy puts his arms around her as she leans into him. And Mark watches for a second too long, desperately taking another drag. 

Maybe it’s stupid, but it makes him think of all the romcoms Donghyuck forces him to watch. It looks like they’re good for each other, but he wouldn’t know any better. And he would never admit out loud that they are kind of fun sometimes.

What that couple seems to have is what he always imagined his life to look like. Beautiful wife, successful career and well educated. It’s what his parents want too. Only what’s best for him.

But he can’t get into the thought of doing any of these things with anyone right now. No kissing, making out with or getting into a relationship with any girls. All because Donghyuck keeps occupying his mind. 

Speaking of the devil, Donghyuck is near the gate, so Mark hastily throws his cigarette on the ground and stomps on its remnants.  

He watches as Donghyuck skips along beside some people Mark never talks to. He remembers seeing them at a few parties, but he can forget about asking him for any names or basic details.

“Hey,” Donghyuck says, slinging his arm around Mark’s waist, pulling him so close there’s barely a gap between them.

“Let me go,” Mark mutters. 

“I’m cold,” Donghyuck says. 

“Then close your jacket.” 

“Come on. You never let me hug you,” Donghyuck says with an exaggerated pout. Donghyuck throws his jacket on, his steps more careful and calculated than Mark’s, as he keeps his arms close to his body to stop it from shivering. 

“Listen, most of the time I don’t even say anything about it,” Mark argues.

Donghyuck pushes the tip of his tongue into his cheek, narrowing his eyes at Mark. “But you do push me away sometimes. And you don’t do that when Renjun hugs you.” 

“Are you jealous or what?” Mark asks, half-joking.

Donghyuck clicks his tongue. “No? It’s just that you never need an excuse to touch anyone else, but when it’s me you do.”

Well, fuck. He hates to admit that Donghyuck is right. So he doesn’t. Instead, he pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Sometimes I wonder why we're friends,” Mark whispers more to himself, but the slight upward tilt of his mouth betrays him.

“Cause you like me so much,” Donghyuck says, batting his eyelashes. 

“Definitely not.”  

“You do.” Donghyuck buries his face in the crook of Mark’s neck. He can feel how close he is as Donghyuck’s lips brush it, almost making him shiver. 

“I thought you stopped smoking for good,” Donghyuck whispers. 

Mark blinks slowly, brows furrowing.

“I could smell it from a mile away.”

Mark’s eyes flick to his pocket, then back to the ground. “It’s not like I do it all the time.” 

“Is there a reason you started again?” Donghyuck says, a somber smile on his lips. “There has to be one, right?” 

 “Maybe. But it shouldn't concern you,” Mark says quietly. 

Donghyuck looks at him, as if trying to read his emotions. “Yes it should,” he pauses, “You’ve been acting so weird lately.”

“Nah, I’m always like this.”

“Mark,” Donghyuck says under his breath, tenderly intertwining their fingers. 

“Really, I’m fine.” Mark pulls his hands away to stuff them in his pockets.

“It’s not because of the kiss right?”

“No.”

They continue to walk in a tense, pressing silence, full of unspoken words. Ones Mark isn’t sure he can say. Not to Donghyuck, not to Renjun, or anyone else. 

“We’re here,” Mark says and takes his keys out. He knows Donghyuck wants to help, but sometimes he feels like all it does is remind him how much of an idiot he is. Neither of them are prude about things like alcohol or smoking, yet Donghyuck feels the need to tell Mark he should slow it down. 

Maybe Donghyuck doesn’t see him as capable of deciding these things for himself. Months of off-hand comments, that turn into full blown lectures why smoking is bad, as if Mark doesn’t know any of it. Of course he knows it is, he isn’t that stupid. Honestly, it made him stop for a while, but it’s hard to maintain that when he feels himself slipping further and further.

All because of the very person next to him.

Weirdly agitated, he nearly throws his jacket on the floor, kicks his shoes off with a little too much force. It doesn’t even matter that he can feel Donghyuck’s gaze tear through him.

“Seriously, are you okay?” 

"Yeah. I’m just fine, everything is fine. I’m okay,” Mark mutters, voice breathy.

Donghyuck reaches out, but retracts his arm again before he touches Mark. “Talk to me.”

Mark keeps his eyes on the ground, taking a couple deep breaths to dim his growing frustration. Then he shrugs, muscles all over his body feeling tight, like they would snap any minute. 

“I’m meeting with Renjun tomorrow.” Mark states, voice blank.

“Then why are you acting like the world is about to end?” Donghyuck asks. “Is this about something serious?”

“No? Yes? I don’t know- I don’t know anything anymore,” Mark says.

“Oh, I'm sure," Donghyuck smiles, vut it fades as he realises Mark is being serious. "It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it” He strokes Mark’s shoulders to try and calm him.

“Sorry.” 

Mark shuts the door behind himself and throws his body on top of his covers, eyes locking on the ceiling, and wonders just what is going on with him. It’s like his entire, once functioning, system is thrown off. 

Worst thing is, he can’t swallow the feelings down, shove them somewhere far back in his mind, because they’re consuming and if he doesn’t get them out one way or another he might explode. 

Needless to say, he doesn’t sleep much again.

·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•

The bell rings before Mark even knows another class is over. He sits up from his chair, eyes following the students that crowd themselves near the door of the lecture hall, and slowly packs his things up. 

His mind still in a tired haze, Mark finds their usual lunch table on autopilot. He sets his tray in front of himself, props his chin up on his hand and picks at his food with the other one. All despite feeling the looks Jaemin is giving him.

“I don’t know who is acting weirder today,” Jaemin mutters, eyes flicking back and forth between Mark and Renjun. 

“Doesn’t Mark always act like this?” Jeno says. 

Jaemin shrugs and waves a hand in front of Mark’s face. “Yo, say something. You’ve been staring at your food for like ten minutes.”

“Nothing to say,” Mark mumbles, not looking up. “Tired.”

“Yeah, yeah. You always are.” Jaemin leans over the table slightly to inspect Mark more closely. He watches for a few moments and concludes, “Something is wrong with you.”

“Thanks,” Mark says, rolling his eyes.

He rubs his eyes before unlocking his phone. 

Great. Apparently Renjun will be late, because of his tutoring session taking a little longer. 

The warm atmosphere in the cafe doesn’t make Mark feel any less nervous. He sits at the familiar table in the back of the room, but right now it feels foreign as he waits for Renjun to show up, impatiently tapping his feet. 

He doesn’t even order anything yet, and tells the waitress he’s not ready multiple times. It doesn’t get any less humiliating when she shows up the third time. 

His eyes are locked on the glass door, except for the numerous times he checks his phone for the watch. The waitress walks up to his table. Again. He feels his face flush and stares at the menu for a moment too long.

 “Sir, if you aren’t going to order anything I will have to ask you to leave,” she says with an apologetic smile. 

 Just as she finishes the sentence, the door swings open and Renjun sits down in front of him, a friendly smile on his lips as he takes his damp hat off. 

“I hope you weren’t waiting here for too long. Sometimes he has a thing for stalling,” Renjun says. “Are you doing alright tho?”

“I didn’t wait for long, don’t worry,” Mark mutters.

“Okay. I’ll get a Latte. What do you want?” 

“Just a plain americano.” 

The waitress notes their orders down and disappears behind the corner. 

It immediately turns silent between them as Mark twists his ring between his fingers, feeling Renjun’s gaze press on every muscle in his body. They wait for a while, but the silence streches even when the waitress places their orders in front of them. They do thank her, but Mark can't really meet anyone's eyes right now.

Mostly because he can tell Renjun is expecting him to talk about it. But he’s unsure how to say it, where to start, what he should leave out. Part of him regrets messaging him in the first place. So instead, all Mark can manage is to slowly sip his coffee, ignoring that it’s too hot, and glance at the table.

“How long am I supposed to wait for you to talk?” Renjun says, looking at him expectantly with pursed lips, tapping his fingers on the cup. 

“Have you ever,” Mark pauses and sighs, “Have you ever wanted something you shouldn’t?” 

“All the time,” Renjun says.  

“What if that something could ruin the thing you can’t lose?”

Renjun leans forward, eyes growing a little wider. 

“I don’t know- It’s hard to explain without saying…too much. But I’m scared I will ruin something I’ve had for years. Because what if these thoughts are a phase? What If I shouldn’t…?”

The coffee lingers in his mouth, hardly managing to comfort his shame and embarrassment. Almost as unpleasant as this entire conversation. Maybe he’s making this a bigger problem than it needs to be. For a moment he just blankly stares at Renjun, hopelessly trying to hide the emotions on his face. 

“It’s rare to see you so flustered,” Renjun giggles, eyes flicking down to a hickey on Mark’s neck. “Seems like you’re having a serious love crisis or something. How come you never said anything?”

“No. That’s not what this is. That person and I aren't dating. It's about something else and if we do it, it's gonna make everything more complicated than that,” Mark says.

“Alright, I’m guessing you want my opinion,” Renjun says. “ I’d say go for it. I get you’re scared, but bad experiences can happen anytime. They can’t hold you back though. Because you might be taking away a chance to have a good change like this. Who knows, you might end up falling for her.” 

Mark doesn’t say anything, because he can’t. It’s not that he’s scared of bad experiences, he doesn’t want to taint Donghyuck, drag him down into the hole he’s already in. 

“I really don’t want you to live with regrets like this for the rest of your life,” Renjun says. 

“Thanks, really,” Mark croaks out, taking another sip to avoid having to think of a better response.

Now that’s a thought. Regret doing this with Donghyuck and potentially ruining their friendship, or regret not doing this with Donghyuck and live a life of hiding. Both kind of sucks.

“Can I know who this mystery girl is?”

“She wouldn’t be a mystery then,” Mark replies.

Renjun smirks faintly. “At least give me a hint, I promise I won’t ask for anything else.” 

“Nope.” 

“You actually suck,” Renjun grumbles.

“I get that a lot.”

Count on Renjun to lift his mood even the slightest bit. Probably one of his most admirable traits. Renjun can be too persistent and stubborn for his own good, sometimes he’s even irritable in a way a lot of people can’t seem to handle. 

Mark always could, though. 

Just like he could deal with Renjun’s fluctuating moods, his overly ambitious goals and insane amount of comfort he has to give. Not just to Mark, but everyone around him. 

It’s like his presence makes everyone’s heads turn to him with minimal effort. And initially, it was really intimidating to Mark back when they first met. 

Renjun might be small and innocent looking, but he can definitely pack a punch. Both physically and with words. 

“We haven’t hung out like this in a while,” Renjun says. 

“Yeah, kinda missed it.” 

·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•

When Mark closes the door of their apartment behind himself, he’s met with darkness, faint rustling from Donghyuck’s room and the whisper of wind from outside.

The weird feeling he has since leaving the cafè doesn’t disappear as he puts his slightly damp jacket on their hanger and neatly puts his shoes away. Every movement he makes is calculated to be as quiet as possible.

Wanting Donghyuck the way he currently does just feels like he’s doing something forbidden. But the fact that it’s wrong and weird only applies to him. It’s weird because he’s Mark, the straight christian boy. Someone who simply shouldn’t want any guy like that. 

Deep in thought, he stumbles over a bump in the floor. His elbow hits the door as he turns and Mark winces, almost holding in a breath. It releases just as fast, but then he hears something shift behind Donghyuck’s door. 

Shit. 

“Mark?” Donghyuck stands in the doorway to his room, yawning as he stretches his arms upwards. His hair is messy, sleeves of his shirt ridden up a bit. 

“No, I’m not here. You’re hallucinating.”

“Wouldn’t it make more sense to say I’m dreaming or sleep-walking?”

“Yeah, it would. Damn it.” 

Donghyuck laughs, his eyes crinkling and Mark feels his chest tighten because of it. How can he look like this in the middle of the night?

Mark looks down as he sees the way Donghyuck stares back at him. 

“You’re not drunk or anything, are you?” Donghyuck asks, still keeping an intense gaze on Mark’s face.

“I’m not. I’m not, we just had coffee,” he takes a shaky breath, “And you shouldn’t be up either.”

“I was waiting for you. You didn’t tell me when you’d come back.” Donghyuck’s voice is almost a hushed whisper, like admitting this is embarrassing to him.

“My bad. I should’ve done that I guess,” Mark says, scratching the back of his neck.  

“It’s fine, though.” Donghyuck moves closer, reaching forward with his arm to remove a few specks of dust off Mark’s sweater. “So, what was the super important and not so secret meeting with Renjun about?”

Mark’s eyes meet his and he opens his mouth before his brain really forms an answer. Then he closes it again, pursing his lips.

How is he supposed to tell Donghyuck that it was about him without making himself look like a loser? 

“I- Uh, I’ll tell you tomorrow,” Mark falters. “I’m just very, very tired now. Had a long day, you know?”

Donghyuck grins faintly and gives him a light kiss on his nose. “I can see that. You almost resemble a racoon with those eyebags.”

“Yeah…” Mark blinks, embarrassed by how hot his face feels again. He needs to get himself together.

“Sleep well,” Donghyuck says.

“You too.” 

And then Mark is alone, still standing glued to the spot as he tries to ignore his rapid heartbeat. Whatever that just was. 

Chapter Text

All day goes by with Mark thinking about how to bring up the thing he talked about with Renjun. Most of it was just him embarrassing himself anyway, so really there isn’t much to talk about. It definitely isn’t enough to make a scene about it. So he decides to save it for later, for when they’re alone. It’s safer that way.

He plays with the eraser in his hand as he notes down what the professor talks about, despite not following along with anything. 

It’s hard to note down why he feels so heavy all the time. Even as a kid there was always something weighing him down and being around his friends, especially Donghyuck, makes it even more obvious that there’s something wrong with him. 

Mark lowers his gaze. What if he is weighing them down because of his constant overthinking? 

If he could get rid of that habit, he would. But there's a reason they say old habits die hard. 

The lesson ends and Mark sluggishly slings his backpack on his shoulder, pushing through the students with hunched shoulders.

He drags himself to the cafeteria and halts when he sees everyone is already there, talking excitedly and laughing at something. He won’t even ask what it is. Instead, he just silently sits and sighs as he looks out the window. It’s sunny today for a change, but it does little to lift his mood. 

“I wanted to ask him out last week, but he’s been so busy studying. At least that’s what he says,” Jaemin says. 

Ask who out? Mark glances up, catching a glimpse of Renjun’s expression across him. He looks disappointed somehow. 

“Then do it tomorrow,” Haechan says between a bite of rice, “If he’s really interested he’d make time for you.” 

“You know he takes exams super seriously. Like, I’m not scared he’ll reject me, it’s more that I don’t want to overwhelm him,” Jaemin replies. 

“Who is this about?” Mark asks. 

Everyone at the table falls silent for a beat. Then Jaemin chuckles. “I don’t think you of all people would listen to me talking about boy issues.”

“Yeah, I asked because I don’t wanna hear it.” 

Renjun sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Guys, let’s not turn this into a fight.”

“No one was about to.” Mark looks away from them, focusing on the blue sky outside and the students walking by. 

“Right, it's not we don't know how you are,” Jaemin says. 

Renjun sighs and goes back to focusing on his meal, or rather playing around with it on his plate.

Donghyuck looks back and forth between them and whispers something to Jaemin, who doesn't look agitated, but Mark could tell there was something behind his words.

Back then, Mark wouldn't have shut up so easily. He would've pressed for answers, but he doesn't have the energy anymore.

·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•

After class, Mark waits in front of Donghyuck’s classroom, like he always does. Phone in his hand, he picks at his nails nervously, even though he doesn’t know why he’s nervous. 

The door opens, students come rushing out, some alone, some in groups, and Mark scans them for Donghyuck. He comes out almost last and is still talking to a bunch of people Mark doesn’t know. If he does, then he doesn’t remember them. 

Donghyuck tends to get caught up with random people anyway. It’s like his special ability, but Mark doesn’t mind waiting for him usually. It would be the same today, if he didn’t feel so off.

“Okay, I shouldn’t make him wait longer. Bye guys,” Donghyuck says to them and then he turns to Mark, smiling as if he’s actually excited to see him. 

Mark clears his throat and puts his phone in his pocket. “I didn’t wait that long. You know that.”

“Maybe I just wanted to get to you sooner,” Donghyuck says quietly. 

He doesn’t mean that. “Let’s just go,” Mark mutters. 

“Hyung, don’t be so dismissive.” Donghyuck giggles and starts walking out the building. 

Mark follows him, keeping his hands in his pockets and eyes on the ground as he listens to everything Donghyuck rambles about. His classes, someone doing weird things during them, dumb conversations he has with Jaemin and everything else he feels like saying. 

Sometimes it’s nice to not be forced to speak, especially with him. Of course he hums and comments a couple times to show he’s really listening, but he lets Donghyuck be in charge of this moment.

After a while they reach their apartment, both slightly out of breath from the obscene amount of stairs.

“You’ve been quiet today,” Donghyuck says. 

“Just thinking,” Mark says and pushes the door open.

Inside, Mark straightens his stiff shoulders, tension on his face and a nervous glint in his eyes as he keeps them locked on Donghyuck, who kicks his shoes off before turning to him with a smile.

One that makes Mark feel like the most pathetic loser for liking it so much, but that could be said about most of them. 

Mark drops his bag and jacket on the ground, brows furrowed and jaw tightened.  

“Is everything really alright?” Donghyuck chews on his lower lip.

Mark hums, fingers already itching with a want to put them on him again. “Yeah. I just wanted to tell you about yesterday. Like, why I met up with Renjun. It was about- I don’t know how to say it-”

“Hey, what's wrong?” Donghyuck whispers. He moves a little closer, one arm wrapping around his waist.

Mark parts his lips slightly on instinct as Donghyuck brushes his thumb over them. “No, listen, I told you we’d talk about it.”

“Okay, go ahead.” 

The air feels still between them, freezing and burning with tension at the same time.

“I told him how much I want to…” Mark trails off and lifts his gaze, setting it on Donghyuck’s lips and internally praying that he takes the hint. 

At this point they kissed a once or twice since their first time, but it never went further. Though part of Mark hopes it does this time, but he isn’t sure how to bring that up either. He doesn’t want to be the first one to do anything and make himself look desperate. Even if that’s what he is. 

Donghyuck grins, sliding his hands up and down Mark’s waist, mischief and want sparkling in his eyes. His touches go lower, carressing him slowly, almost teasingly. "Say what you wanna say."

I can't. Mark lowers his gaze, Donghyuck lifts his face with his thumb, suddenly even closer. 

"You want more, don't you?" Donghyuck whispers. 

All Mark can do is nod.

“Kiss me again.”

And Mark doesn’t know what does it, maybe his tone, or the patience and tenderness in his eyes, or the simple how beautiful he looks in the warm, dim lights of their hallway, but he can’t take it anymore. 

His grip tenses as he lets his lips ghost over Donghyuck’s soft ones. Their eyes meet in a silent agreement and Mark fully leans in, closing the gap between them, gentle, hesitant and scared he would collapse from how weak his knees feel.

Their noses bump ever so slightly as he lets Donghyuck take initiative of the kiss. It takes some adjusting to the rougher nature of it this time. Donghyuck’s hands roam under his shirt, teeth nibbling on Mark's lower lip. Just as Mark melts into it, Donghyuck pulls himself off and starts sucking on Mark's neck, his hair tickling his jaw. 

He whines and pulls Donghyuck up into a much messier kiss, hand grasping the side of his jaw. Donghhyuck parts his lips and makes a surprised sound when Mark slips his tongue in and applies more pressure, chasing his warmth, wanting to drown in it. Their bodies are  pressed together so tightly that there’s barely any space between them and yet it doesn't feel like enough 

“I feel like you want this even more than me,” Donghyuck confesses, pulling away for a moment and stroking Mark's bicep. 

He bites his lip, incapable of denying his words.

For a moment they simply look into each other's eyes, foreheads resting against each other and then Donghyuck drags him to his bedroom with a blinding smile, like he’s giddy and enthusiastic about this.

And Mark wishes he could say the same, but his hands are shaky as he pushes a strand of hair out of Donghyuck’s face.

The tips of his fingers graze Donghyuck’s neck, holding him in place to crash their lips together with more need, applying more pressure this time as one hand seizes on his shirt and the other clasps the base of his neck. Mark pushes his knee between Donghyuck’s legs, making him groan into the kiss.

It‘s still not enough and he grinds against him, relieved at the feeling Donghyuck doing the same. 

They stammer onto the bed, without letting go of each other and Donghyuck hovers above him, one arm on either side of his head. "I could never get tired of this.“

Mark smirks lightly, just a tiny upward tilt, and then Donghyuck’s lips are on him again.

Warmth envelops him at every graze of Donghyuck’s hands on his skin, every breath he feels against his own lips and every little noise Donghyuck makes and with the way his fingers comb through his hair.  

Donghyuck then pushes Mark’s sweater up, skimming before his fingers pull up the hem until it messes up Mark’s hair and lands somewhere on the ground. His eyes stay on Mark for a moment too long, making him squirm under him. 

Then Mark takes in a sharp breath when Donghyuck leans forward and begins trailing a line of kisses down his torso. Every move of his is assertive, yet graceful, and with purpose. Like he’s done this a million times before. All while his own body feels stiff and his cheeks burn embarrassingly. 

Donghyuck's lips are soft, familiar in a way that he isn't used to. Just as it’s foreign to feel them in places other than his face. But he can’t say he hates it. Not even a little.

“You never told me you work out,” Donghyuck mutters between a few more kisses.

Mark chuckles and pulls him back up to remove his shirt too. “Now we’re even,” he says and lets himself take all of him in. 

He’s less muscular than Mark, curves softer and leaner, downright sinful. He always knew Donghyuck is beautiful, but this is more than he could’ve ever let himself picture. It feels like a privilege to have him so close and to see him like this. 

“Seems like you like what you're seeing.” Donghyuck grins, but his eyes widen a little when Mark’s hands skim the hem of his jeans. 

“Yeah. Now, will you let me?” Mark asks, eyes glistening with eagerness and underlying unease. He hopes more than anything that it’s not too obvious.

Donghyuck nods impatiently. 

His gaze makes Mark feel inclined to do something, give him something worth his time. And maybe also see how far this could go.

Slowly, Mark undoes the zipper and discards the pants somewhere next to the bed. He runs a hand through his own dishevelled hair, pupils wide in desire when he sees the fact that Donghyuck is already half hard. 

His gaze flicks back and forth between nothing in particular and he slides his hand into his briefs, taking Donghyuck into it. The first time he holds a dick that isn’t his own. It’s warm, the skin slightly rough and a bit weird. But not enough for him to stop when he's already this far, so he moves his hand, too quick apparently, he judges when Donghyuck hisses slightly.

“I don’t know how to- This is hard for me, sorry,” Mark says quietly. 

Donghyuck tilts his head, smiling a little as if this is funny to him. “Are you like this with everyone?”

Might as well dig the hole deeper for himself.

“No,” Mark sighs, looking down in shame, ”Just you. I mean, you’re a guy and I never-” He can’t bring himself to finish the sentence, seeing the smile on Donghyuck’s face fade with every word he says. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. Mark looks back at him with a red face and continues, “It’s fucking embarrassing. I know that.” 

“It’s not,” Donghyuck says, grinning in a way that feels less teasing. “You were doing well already.”

Admittedly, the encouragement helps him and he circles his thumb on the tip, pumping lightly with the rest of his hand. Doing what he does to himself seems to do the trick. At least Donghyuck’s quiet gasps confirm that and it fills his chest with a bit more ease. 

So, he pumps a bit faster, exhaling when Donghyuck grips his thighs firmly, sucking a hickey on his chest while he moans very quietly. He can only hear it because it’s so close to his ear. He wants to hear more of it and continues moving his hand, closing his eyes while trying to focus on nothing but the softness of Donghyuck's skin and lips and the soft breaths fanning his neck and shoulder.

Donghyuck’s heat disappears abruptly and Mark opens his eyes, surprised to see Donghyuck spread his legs, crouching down between them. He gasps when Donghyuck takes him into his mouth in an effortless, practised motion. He flicks his tongue on the tip, giving it a few teasing licks and Mark reflexively moans a tad too loud. He harshly bites his lower lip, trying to stop any more noise from coming out. 

“Don’t,” Donghyuck says, chest rising and falling quickly, “I wanna hear you.”

Mark's breath hitches when Donghyuck trails his fingers along the tip, gently pushing on it with small circles. And then he takes him in again, slow and steady, sinking until his tip touches the back of his mouth and moving it back up.  He repeats that motion, hollowing his cheeks throughout.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Mark mumbles when he sees Donghyuck look up at him with his dick in his mouth, slowly moving up and down. His instincts beg him to grab onto something, anything. So he rests his hands softly on Donghyuck’s head to ground himself, not pulling his hair. 

Donghyuck catches on, freeing his mouth to speak, "You can grab my hair. Don't worry, I like how it feels."

Mark holds off for a second, not sure what's right and what isn't, but can’t help himself anymore and lets his noises fall almost shamelessly when Donghyuck takes him in again. He can feel he’ll be embarrassed about it later, but whatever. 

It’s just hard to hold back when Donghyuck’s eyes are locked on his face as if he’s trying to memorize every visible reaction. His fingers tangle in Donghyuck's hair as sweat beads form at Mark’s temples, from the tightness and heat surrounding him, his tongue rough in a way that feels too good.

He feels his stomach tighten, sensing his approaching orgasm and tugs at his hair, letting out breathless moans every now and then. 

The pressure keeps building as Donghyuck speeds up. He focuses on his tip more, pumping the rest of his dick with his hand.

Mark involuntarily thrusts into his mouth, until he can't hold it anymore and comes in his mouth with drawn out moans. For a moment he sits there, feeling almost lightheaded, floating and empty. His eyes trail down to see Donghyuck stand up smoothly, traces of a smug smile on his lips.

“Was I really that good?” Donghyuck asks, blinking innocently. His hair is sticking up weirdly, lips pink and glistening with spit. It's dizzying.

Mark wouldn’t nod if he was in his right mind, but he isn’t. So he nods and closes his eyes, lying still and trying not to think about anything, pushing past every thought that could possibly stop him from feeling this good. He can’t handle them. Not right now.

Before he gets the chance to fully compose himself, Donghyuck is on him again, straddling his hips as he kisses Mark's jaw and neck. “Are you sure you're ready to go all the way?”

“Of course,” Mark breathes out.

Donghyuck’s warmth disappears again and he rummages through a drawer. He clumsily grabs lube and a condom that he tosses in Mark's direction. Then he leans down to kiss him sweetly and whispers, “Stretch your hand out.” 

Mark complies and grimaces a little at how cold and slippery the lube feels on his fingers. He gulps when Donghyuck positions himself on his stomach, propping his hips up with a pillow. 

“I'll help you through it if you need me to,” Donghyuck says.

"Okay," Mark says and starts by pressing his finger against Donghyuck’s rim and rubbing circles over it, teasing it by pushing in a little with the tip of his finger. Donghyuck drops his head into the pillow, hips twitching a little. Positive sign.

Mark slowly and cautiously presses his finger into Donghyuck’s hole, watching for his reaction. What he receives is a deep, breathy sigh. He doesn’t move until he gets the sign to, letting Donghyuck adjust first until he starts pushing his hips back himself. 

“One more,” Donghyuck says, a soft whine falling from his lips.

Silently, Mark presses the second finger in. It feels tight, warm and slick with lube around him. And shortly after, he adds a third one, making Donghyuck clench his mouth shut for a moment. 

“Start moving, Hyung,” Donghyuck breathes out. 

Mark pumps his fingers slowly, then faster, and simultaneously bites open a condom that he slides it over his dick with his other hand, hissing slightly while stroking himself a few times to full hardness again. When Donghyuck grinds into it, Mark feels they're equally as ready and says,“Turn around.” 

“Bossy.” The corners of Donghyuck’s lips quirk up. 

"Got no other choice with you," Mark says and removes his fingers. 

"Are you saying I'm bratty? I think I've been very nice to you."

Mark grins and shakes his head. It's more that he's a simple guy who just wants to see what bliss and pleasure look like on Donghyuck. "A real blessing I'd say."

"I hate you for making me wait," Donghyuck says, pouting.

"It's barely been a minute." Mark chuckles and exhales, hands gripping Donghyuck’s hips. He aligns himself with his hole and presses in slowly.

“Fuck, you’re still so tight” Mark groans, grip tightening as he lets him adjust to the feeling.

Donghyuck starts rocking his hips by himself and Mark takes it as a sign to start thrusting, ragged breaths leaving his lips every time. 

“Faster,” Donghyuck gasps. His breath grows louder every time Mark thrusts. “You feel so good, so damn good.” 

Mark twitches at the praise and starts thrusting faster. Feeling every inch of himself inside of Donghyuck is a feeling that he wants nothing more than to revel in. Just like he wants to soak up all of Donghyuck, feel everything he denies himself at any other time.

Who knows if this is the first and last time they do this?

He hooks Donghyuck’s leg over his torso, changing the angle to get in deeper. They grip each other like one of them would disappear if they let go. Nails grazing Mark's back, teeth digging into his shoulder and he holds Donghyuck's hips just as tightly, burying himself in farther. They're equally as unable to hold back their low groans and breathy moans. 

Then he pulls out all the way and thrusts back in a couple times. It makes his pulse quicken, sparking something in him he never felt before, and it's intoxicating.

“Yes…yes, keep doing that,” Donghyuck whimpers. 

Mind hazy, Mark increases his movements, feeling like his head is going to explode because of the overwhelming pleasure. 

It doesn’t matter to him how depraved he probably looks to him. 

Donghyuck looks up at him, eyes dazed, mouth agape. “Mark…I’m close,” he says, his voice airy and low, hands grasping the sheets beneath him. He arches his back, painting spurts of white over his stomach and moaning brokenly. 

Just from that sight alone, Mark thinks he could worship, devote himself to Donghyuck the same way he should with God. The light sheen of sweat glowing on his skin, his red, swollen lips and his messed up hair. 

He simply craves for more and so, he begins bucking his hips deeper and faster, really letting himself feel it as he senses his arriving orgasm. “I'm close too,” Mark whispers hoarsely.

His head drops forward when he comes, thighs trembling pathetically, hair and beads of sweat clinging to his forehead as he pants heavily. The sensation prickles on his skin a couple moments before his muscles tense again as his panting grows more faint.  

They both shudder at the loss when Mark pulls out. Donghyuck looks at him, spent and exhausted, lips parted with quiet breaths falling from them. 

Mark wraps his arms around him and presses himself closer, burying his face in his neck. He still doesn’t feel like it’s close enough and kisses his collarbones, lazy and open-mouthed. Anything to shut his head up.

Then Donghyuck tilts his head up with his thumb, then kisses him softly. "Okay, easy there." 

Mark chuckles as a reply, not really trusting himself to say the right thing.

For a moment it’s the only thing he can hear aside from the rustling from the blankets from their movements. The dim lighting, heat and lingering smell of sweat start to make it feel suffocating. He shifts in an attempt to get up, but Donghyuck pulls him down again. He can't even blame him. 

And it's not like Mark doesn't like holding him like this, at this point he has to admit to himself that he does, but it also makes him nervous. Something that doesn't happen with anyone else.

After a while, Donghyuck moves out of his arms and gets up first. Mark quickly cleans himself with a tissue from the nightstand and hesitantly puts his pants back on, ignoring the gross feeling of his sweat glistening body being covered with fabric. 

He watches Donghyuck pick his clothes up before heading to the door and sits on the side of the bed awkwardly, waiting for his cue to leave. After a stretch of silence he mumbles, “I’ll go then, still gotta study for a test.” 

“No, stay,” Donghyuck exhales and takes his hand, holding it firmly and giving him a questioning look. “You’re not seriously worried about tests after this, are you?”

Definitely not the right thing to say, idiot.

The disbelief and hint of disappointment in his voice makes it hard to look at him, but Mark swallows it down and smiles. “I don’t know what you expect me to say.”

“Thank me or something,” Donghyuck giggles. 

A sound that has Mark smiling without any reason. “Don’t be stupid.”

“You looked like you wanted to the whole time.” A few seconds of silence pass. Donghyuck sighs and says, "Mark, I won't hold you hostage, so if you wanna go, then go." 

"Sorry. I'll...go shower."

"We could go together," Donghyuck says in a half-joking tone.

"It's alright. Go first. I think you've had enough of me today," Mark lowers his head and gets out the door. He doesn't make any promises like he'll stay next time, because he can't assume there will be one and most of all, he never makes promises he won't keep.

God, this is bad.

·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•·•

He never ends up studying. 

After showering and changing, he's alone. It’s too quiet, too empty in his room. He can't go back and let Donghyuck see him for what he really is.

Moments ago, he felt so good and now that he’s replaying everything that happened just thirty minutes ago, he can feel his head circling back to the familiar feeling of shame. He can’t like it this much. He shouldn’t.

All the times last night Donghyuck touched him, kissed him, made him feel like he might be worth someone’s time. At least once.

It sounds like a pitiful dream and it's starting to make him think crazy things. That maybe, just maybe, he does have a thing for him. Realizing that doesn’t make him feel lighter, rather the opposite. He can’t tell anyone, because for someone like him even the idea of being with a boy should be wrong.

Not that he’s falling for Donghyuck or anything. This just can’t be what it’s supposed to feel like. And if he just didn'nt turn his his fantasies into reality, if he said no and kept pretending, he wouldn't even have to think about this.

What does this make him to his parents? What does this make him to God? 

In the stillness of his pitch dark room, it’s hard to push the frustration down as he leans against the headboard for a while, presses his palms together and bows his head. “God,” he whispers, “I’m trying, I swear I’m trying. I don’t know how to do this right. How to be a better, more worthy person.” 

No matter how many times he repeats it, there’s no sudden peace in his head. It’s all the same. 

He doesn’t get a wink of sleep and only realises as the first sun rays of the day spill into his room. A heavy sigh leaves his lips and he forces himself up to clean himself of the dirty feeling that latches onto his skin.  

There’s an unopened message on his phone that was sent yesterday. It’s Jisung telling him they have to postpone their study session they were supposed to have today, and reminding him to finish some assignment. Mark can’t even say he forgot, he’s genuinely clueless as he stares at the text. He scrolls back up in their chat and sees something about a portfolio. They talked about it weeks ago. Looks like it’s about a book Mark never bothered to read even a word of.  

The moment he checks his literature professor’s page, dread shoots through him. He only has two hours left to write 10 pages. He hastily begins searching for the book, knowing he has it somewhere. 

But it's not on his bookshelf, or under the piles of clothes on the floor, or on his desk. He runs a hand through his hair and huffs out a deep breath before searching through his backpack, dresser and under his bed. 

It’s useless. Even if he finds the book, there’s no way he can get it done in time. 

For a second he stands in the middle of his room, staring at the wall, before he sits down on his desk. He has to come up with an excuse to get an extension. The empty E-Mail page stares back at him, as if mocking him. He types something with minimal effort, quietly hoping his professor will let his stupidity go this time.

He debates calling his parents to break the news he’ll fail another class. Because he needs to mentally prepare himself for the disappointment on his mom’s face when she finds out he failed a class by his own mistakes. It never looks good on her. But calling is still better than telling her in person. Hearing how much of a failure he is can’t be worse than seeing it.

Even that won't compare to her face if she ever found out about his other crisis. Donghyuck. 

He grabs fistfuls of his hair and pulls harshly at them while muttering a string of curses, slamming his laptop shut. 

"Are you okay in there?” Donghyuck’s voice echoes through the hallway. Then he opens the door and crouches next to his chair.

“Shouldn’t you be in class?”

“It was cancelled. Something about the professor being sick,” Donghyuck replies and purses his lips. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh. Yeah, I’m alright,” Mark says.

Donghyuck eyes him for a second, seemingly skeptical, but his phone buzzes, interrupting him from his interrogation. “It’s Jaemin,” he mutters and dashes out of the room.

Mark exhales with relief and leans back on the couch, dozing off until Donghyuck comes back in, shoving his phone into his pocket and throwing a jacket on.

"Why the hurry?" Mark says, voice laced with fatigue.

“Okay, okay. He just wasted my time.”

“Really now?” Mark asks sarcastically.

“Yes. And he wants me to go see him, so I need to go now. Let’s watch a movie or something later tonight,” Donghyuck says. “I can bring food too, if you want.”

“I’ll go along with whatever you decide,” Mark replies, forcing his best attempt at a smile.

“I’m so lucky, aren’t I?”

“Totally. Now go,” Mark says. 

Donghyuck laughs. “Rude, but okay. Promise we’ll talk later.” 

“Sure.”

And with that Mark is alone. Again.