Chapter 1: The Shower of Doom
Chapter Text
The Shower of Doom
It was a peacefull morning in the underground lair of the turtles. Pipes rattled, rats squealed in the tunnels, the machines from Donnie's lab hummed softly like a lullaby and water dripped slowly and rhytmically on the concrete from the last night's storm.
In the living room, sorrounded by some plushies( Mikey's plushies), some pillows and nestled under a soft blanket, April O'Neil was sleeping peacefully. The last night's storm was too powerfull for her to go back to surface, and after four different advices , She decided to remain in the lair and sleep on the couch.
The redhead turned over a few times, then blinked, slowly, a bit groggy. She stretched and got up, yawning and throwing the blanket aside. From the kitchen, She Heard the loud laughter, threats and bickering of the turtles and Casey Jones.
In the kitchen, the turtles and Casey just finished the breakfast. Mikey, being his round to clean the dishes, pouted, but quickly took all the plates and forks and put them in the sink with a loud clank.
Leo: Mikey, you're going to break the plates If you keep throwing them like this.
Mikey: Relax, the plates are fine. Plus, how's that You don't scold Raph for this when he washes the dishes? He throws them like, harder, like they're rocks.
Leo( deadpean): That's because he throws them harder If I scold him.
Mikey( mischevious glint in eyes): And If I do like him?
Raph( cracking knuckles): Try it and I'm gonna clobber ya.
Mikey raised his hands in surrender and turned to the sink, turning on the water over the dishes and grabbing the sponge.
Back in living room.
April rubbed her eyes and tried to focus. She could hear the clatter of dishes, the low hum of Donnie’s machines in the background, and the turtles’ laughter echoing off the walls. She let out a quiet sigh.
April(stretching her arms over her head):Hmm… what… mmm… I need something to wake up.Maybe a shower.
With that decision made, she swung her legs off the couch, planting her feet firmly on the cold floor. She padded softly toward the hallway, trying not to wake any of the turtles, although the faint sound of a footstep here or a groan there made it clear she wasn’t the only early riser. The lair smelled faintly of pizza, metal, and the damp earth of the tunnels, a combination she had grown strangely fond of over the months.
Reaching the bathroom, April flicked on the light. Steam fogged the mirror from the residual humidity, and the tiles gleamed faintly in the artificial glow. She set her belongings on the counter, tossing her clothes aside, and turned the handle of the shower. A hiss of water filled the room, and soon a warm stream cascaded down the tiles. She stepped in, letting the heat and the gentle pressure of the water wash away the last remnants of sleep. For a moment, the noises of the lair faded to nothing but the soft drum of water against porcelain.
But little did she know, today’s “wake-up shower” in the underground lair would not be as peaceful as it seemed…
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Half an hour later, Raph , who had been lifting weights, sparring shadows, and yelling at pizza since he woke up, stood in front of the bathroom door, cross-armed and leg stomping on the ground.
It was his time in the bathroom schedule. It was his time to take a shower.He needed a shower. But somehow, someone took his time in there. And that someone who dared could be none other then one of his brothers.
The red-banded turtle glared at the door, the lovely smell of Leo's lavender soap coming from behind and hitting him.
Raph( knocking on the door): Hey, Leo! Stop hoggin' the shower, not everybody needs to purify their soul with lavender!
Donnie( from his lab, not looking up from his computer): It’s occupied.
He stepped closer and pressed his ear against the door, hearing a soft humming of a pop song. Leo would never sing in the shower.
He squinted at the door.
Raph( growled):…Mikey.I know it’s ya. Singin' ,,Shake it off’ in the shower again.I’ll suplex ya into the tiles.
Donnie: Raph, You should wait-
BANG!
He kicked the door open like a SWAT team during an operation.
Steam floated like a dream.And there was April.Mid-shower.No towel.Nothing but horror and a shampoo bottle in her hand.
His soul left his body.
April blinked.
Raph blinked.
Raph( screaming, acide Green eyes wide):WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!
April: RAPH!
Raph: AAHHHHH—
April: WHY—ARE YOU—LIKE THIS?!
Raph: I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE—BUT MY EYES STILL WORK—WHY—
He screamed back like he was the victim here. His eyes bugged out, and he slapped both hands over his face while still staring through his fingers like a total idiot.
Raph(yelled): I didn’t know it was you!
Then April chucked a shampoo bottle at him with the force of Thor’s hammer.
BOOM.
Raph flew backwards into the hallway and hit the wall like a cartoon crash dummy.
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In the dojo, scented candles flickered , their scent flowing in the air.Leo, who meditating quietly at the base of the tree, heard the alarm and bolted into action.
Leo( internally):April must be under attack!
The leader in blue jumped from his place and sprinted down the hallway, into the steam, katanas out.
Then the steam cleared and saw.
Saw skin. So much skin.
Saw everything.
And right then, he turned bright crimson.
He made a noise no one should ever hear from a ninja.
Something between a gasp, a sob, and an anime nosebleed. Then...
Leo( yelling):I HAVE FAILED NINJITSU.
He backflipped out of the bathroom so fast he knocked over Mikey’s cereal tower.
Leo(still yelling):I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! I ONLY SAW ANKLES—AND OTHER THINGS—BUT MAINLY ANKLES—
April( desperately wrapping a towel around her): GET A DICTIONARY, LEO. THAT WASN’T ANKLE.
He dropped one of his katanas and gripped over it, falling backwards on the ground.
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In the lab, machines hummed softly and different buttons beeped occasionally. Donnie was at his desk, mechanical pen in hand, working on a blueprint for some improves for the ShellRaiser.
Donnie( to himself): Maybe If I use a lighter material for the doors, then maybe-
Then he heard screaming. Leo's scream. And most importantly, April's scream.
The purple banded turtle nearly flung his pen in the ceiling and knocked over his desk as he got up, his mind racing on one aspect: April was in danger.
He sprinted in, lab coat flapping, holding his bo staff, ready to defend the girl he loved.
Donnie( brownish-reddish eyes wide): April, what's happen—OH GOOD GANDHI—
He saw everything.
His eyes widened.
He dropped his bo staff.
Donnie: You’re… a perfect diagram of human musculoskeletal function…
Poor, sweet, logical Donnie. His brain probably registered her towel slipping as a threat to national security because he froze. Then blinked. Then promptly fainted.
Just thunk. Right to the floor. Like someone unplugged him.
April( concerned): Oh My God! Donnie, Are You Alright?
He let out a soft whimper.
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Mikey was doing tricks on his skateboard in the tunnel outside the entrance turnstiles, wearing sunglasses and sipping juice, when he also heard the screaming. He scratched the back of his neck and turned , jumping over the turnstiles and rolling to the bathroom...seeing his brothers sprawled around like broken toys.
Mikey: Hey guys, what's goin-
Instant tackle from Leo and Raph. Leo clamped his hands over Mikey’s eyes, Raph grabbed his arms, and they dragged him backward like a criminal in cuffs.
Raph (warned darkly):DON’T LOOK, MIKEY. IT’S NOT FOR INNOCENT MINDS.
Mikey (whined): But I wanna seeeee!
Leo:No you DON’T!
Raph:YA DON’T GET TO SEE ANYTHIN'.
Mikey: Is it a mutated sewer gator?
Leo:WORSE.
Mikey:Dudes! Rude! I didn’t even get a glimpse!
Leo and Raph( at the same time):EXACTLY!
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Casey, in the hallway, doing push-ups in sunglasses and singing “Smooth Criminal,” looked up at the noise. He casually strolled in, grabbed and slung his hockey stick over his shoulder, chewing gum.
Took one glance at chaos, then in the bathroom.
Tipped his cap.
Casey:Olé…
April (red-faced, dripping, holding a hairbrush like a weapon):I SWEAR ON EVERY TOOTHBRUSH IN THIS CITY—
Casey:This is the second-best thing I’ve seen today.
April( raising an eyebrow):What was the first?
Casey:You from the left side.
SMACK.SLAP.
ROUNDHOUSE.
DOOR SLAM.
Casey ended up wedged into the couch cushions, his mask spun backwards.
Casey( wheezed):Still… a masterpiece.
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Karai walked in right then, holding a teacup, completely unfazed.
She glanced at:
Screaming April with one towel half-on
Raph shaking Donnie by the shoulders
Leo facing the wall like a monk
Mikey being restrained with duct tape
Casey holding his cheek with a dumb grin
Karai blinked once , then looked at April.
Karai( taking a sip of tea): Nice body. Good genes.
April: THANK YOU BUT NOT THE TIME.
Karai turned to Casey.
Karai( eyes squinted like a hawk eyeing its prey): You.
Casey(still grinning): Me?
Karai: STOP. STARING. You're disgusting.
Casey: Gracias.
ROUNDHOUSE KICK.
BOOM.
Casey flew across the hallway, hit a clothes hamper, and got tangled in three pairs of Raph’s pants.
Casey (dazed): Still worth it…
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Later, after April didn't need to take a shower anymore there and the others were still recovering emotionally, a new sign appeared in the lair, written in lipstick and war paint, hanged near the bathroom door:
APRIL’S RULES OF THE SHOWER (BREAK THEM AND YOU DIE)
1. Knock.
2. Knock again.
3. Knock a third time because apparently you’re all goblins.
4.If You hear someone singing pop music, go away.
5. Do not open the door unless the door opens itself.
6. Casey is banned from commentary on anything wet.
Under these rules, she also wrote in giant red letters:
IF YOU SEE ME NAKED AGAIN, I BURN THE LAIR.
The turtles , Karai and Casey walked by and read the sign, thier reactions varying from shame to thrill.
Leo:I looked. My soul is unclean. I need twelve purifications.
Donnie (writing calculations in the air):Her bone structure was… scientifically marvelous…
Mikey ( now free, pouting): Man, I didn't even have the chance to see what happened.
Raph (sharpening a spoon angrily):I hate showers. I hate towels. I hate myself.
Casey (popping out from where he landed):Still. Totally. Worth it.
Karai (cracking her knuckles):Say it again, Jones. I dare you.
April( from the couch, rubbing her temples): I need a vacantion..
The End
Chapter 2: The Eyebrow Heist: A Tale of Revenge and Regret
Chapter Text
The Eyebrow Heist: A Tale of Revenge and Regret
It was a peacefull evening....well, as peacefull could be when four riot teenagers lived under the same roof and all had the self-restraint of a sugar-rushed toddler.
Donnie was sitting at his workstation, deep into his latest invention, a high-tech pizza cutter (because apparently, regular ones weren’t efficient enough). Leo was reading, Mikey was upside-down on the couch eating chips, and Raph… well, Raph was being Raph.
Which meant he was currently roasting Donnie into oblivion.
Raph (smirked, watching Donnie fiddle with his invention):Seriously, Don, how does yer brain even work?Do ya just wake up every mornin' and download a ‘Nerd Update’?
Mikey (gasped dramatically, dropping his chips):OOH! Burn!
Donnie( rolled his eyes):Oh, hilarious, Raphael. Real original. You’re like a broken record, except somehow even dumber.
Raph:Hey, at least I don't spend all my time whisperin' sweet nothings to my science projects instead of talkin' to real people.
Donnie twitched. Leo subtly turned the page of his book, pretending not to listen, but his smirk said otherwise.
Mikey, however, was invested.
Mikey:Ohhhh! He got you there, Don!
Raph: Also...yer machines are as useless as yer love life.
Silence fell over the main area for a short magical second.
Mikey( whispered): Dang.
Donnie (took a deep breath):Alright, Raph. Fine. Laugh it up. But mark my words—I will get you back.
Raph (snorted): Yeah, yeah. Good luck, Poindexter.
And with that, he left, satisfied , toward the dojo. And completely obvious to the smirk from the purple banded turtle, the kind of smirk that screamed ,,evil genius". Mikey was too ocuppied to snicker, but Leo saw and recognised the smirk and closed his book.
Leo( internally): Why do I feel this is going to end very bad?
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Later that day, Donnie paced like a caged lion in his lab, muttering and working his mind to come up with a plan to revenge on the hot head.
Getting revenge on Raph is tricky. So tricky that required a very well made plan because:
1. The prankster can’t just prank him with any old thing. He’ll break that one in half.
2. The prankster has to make it subtle enough that he won’t see it coming.
3. The prankster has to make it personal.
That’s when Donnie had his eureka moment. He knew his brother very well.Raph is tough. He’s strong. He’s intimidating.
But what he doesn’t have?
Eyebrows.
Donnie lunged at his desk and started to franatically search for his tool of waterproof markers he usually used for projects( and hid from Mikey). He opened one of the cabinet's door and found them.
Donnie( holding the black one): Aha! Raph won't see it coming.
And so, the Great Eyebrow Heist was born.
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At exactly 3:12 AM, in the dead of the night, when even the rats from the sewer tunnels and the people above were sleeping, Donnie snuck into Raph’s room, a dangerous mission because:
1. Raph sleeps like a bear. A very angry bear.
2. Raph has built-in murder instincts.
3. Raph has a habit of punching first and questioning later.
But Donatello was stealth incarnate. So he opened very slowly and in absolute silence the door and slipped inside. Careful. Silent. He tip-toed past dumbbells, comic books and Raph's gear, moving to the bed. And there he was, snoring like a freight train.
Donnie pulled out his ultra-permanent industrial-grade marker.
And with the precision of a master artist… He gave Raphael eyebrows.Big.Bold.Dramatic.
They were thick, angry, villainous eyebrows—so expressive they could tell a whole story without him saying a word.
The purple banded turtle even added a little extra flair: a single, tiny, evil-looking scar through one eyebrow.
Chef’s kiss.
Then, like the genius ninja he was, he disappeared into the night.
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The next morning, Donnie woke up in his bed, his long limbs tangled in the blanket. When the alarm clock from his dresser rang, he groaned and shut it off. Then, he walked out of his room, heading to the kitchen, only to be met by the Orange banded turtle ( who was happily eating cereals from the box) and the leader in blue, who was sipping tea.
Donnie took a sit at the table and grabbed his mug from the counter. Then casually sipped his coffee, waiting for the moment.
Then Raph stomped in.
And. Donnie. Nearly. Died.
Because…
RAPHAEL. LOOKED. RIDICULOUS.
And the best part? He didn’t even realize it yet.
Mikey took one look at him and IMMEDIATELY DIED laughing.Like, actual wheezing, rolling on the floor, kicking his legs in the air type of laughing.
Leo? Leo tried to be mature about it, but he choked on his tea so hard he had to leave the room.
And Donnie? He didn't look up from his mug, bitting his lips so hard that they almost bleed, trying not to burst out laughing.
Raph (scowled):What the shell's wrong with ya two?
Mikey (couldn’t breathe):I—CAN’T—LOOK—AT YOU—
Raph frowned and grabbed a spoon from the table. And saw his reflection in it.
The most dramatic, evil villain eyebrows he had ever seen.These things weren’t just drawn on. They were a statement.
Bold. Angular. Fierce.
Raph looked like a mix between a Disney villain, a soap opera antagonist, and someone deeply regretting life choices.
Silence.
Then, in a voice so low and dangerous that even Master Splinter would have been concerned…
Raph: Who. Did. This.
Mikey was STILL LAUGHING. Which was not great for him.
Raph( roared):YA THINK THIS IS FUNNY, YA LITTLE ORANGE GREMLIN?!
Mikey (nodded frantically):Oh, 100%. This is the best thing that’s ever happened in my life.
Raph got to give Mikey some credit. Even when the freckled turtle was inches away from getting absolutely annihilated, he still managed to be a little punk about it, in Raph's opinion. But...
Raph( cracking his knuckles):YA’RE DEAD, MIKEY!
Mikey screamed and ran for his life.
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Now, Raph is fast.
Mikey is faster.
But FEAR? Fear makes Mikey a whole different breed of speed demon.
Mikey swung from the ceiling pipes like some kind of mutant Tarzan.
Raph grabbed a chair and threw it at him.
Mikey dodged, cackling like a madman, even as he barely avoided death.
Raph flipped over the couch and nearly tackled Mikey into the TV.
Meanwhile, Donnie was just sitting there, sipping his coffee, watching his masterpiece unfold.Leo appeared in the doorway, giving the younger turtle the ,,I know You did this" look.
Leo:You did this, didn’t you?
Donnie (sipped): Prove it.
Leo (sighed):You do realize Raph is eventually going to figure it out, right?
From the main area:
Raph:I’M GONNA EMBRACE YER GRAVE, MIKEY!
Back to kitchen:
Leo: I'm going to get them before they break the furniture..again.
The blue banded turtle marched at the edge of the battlefield, just as Mikey and Raph ran past him.
Leo: Guys, knock it off before—
CRASH.
SPLINTER’S VASE, DESTROYED.
Silence.
Utter silence.
Mikey slowly looked at the shattered remains. Then at Raph.
Then at Leo.
And then, with the deepest regret the leader has ever seen in his life,..
Mikey (whispered):I was never here.
And then bolted out of the lair like a rat escaping an explosion.
Leaving Leo alone with murderous Raphael.
---
Raph turned to Leo, stared with the fury of 1000 suns in his acide green eyes, and narrowed his ridiculously expressive new eyebrows.
Raph( pointing an accusing index finger to the eldest):Ya.
Leo (blinked): Me?
Raph: Ya did this!
Leo ( nearly choked):Oh, you think I did this?!
Raph (growled): Ya always tell me to ‘lighten up.’ WELL, GUESS WHAT? I LOOK LIKE I’M AUDITIONIN' FOR A SOAP OPERA, LEO!
Leo made a huge effort not to laugh and get tackled by Raph.
Leo( keeping a straight face, crossing his arms):You seriously think I did this?
Raph ( eyes twitched) :Oh yeah. Ya’re always tellin' me to ‘take things less seriously.’ Well, LOOK WHO’S LAUGHIN' NOW, HUH?!
Leo( sighed): Raph, listen. If I wanted to teach you a lesson, I’d do it with training, not a Sharpie or whatever it is.
Raph hesitated.
He considered this.
And, for a second, Leo thought he might actually believe him.
Then Mikey, from somewhere outside the lair:
Mikey( yelled):WAIT, IT WASN’T LEO?!
Raph’s eyes immediately narrowed.
Raph:THEN WHO—
And suddenly, his brain finally connected the dots.His eyes slowly turned to the only other possible suspect, his rage-filled brain finally caught up to the reality of the situation.
He turned. Slowly.
Eyes locked onto Donnie.
Raph cracked his knuckles and Donnie dropped his mug, coffee spilling on the table.
Donnie( as he took of running):OH, SHELL NO-
And just like that, the chase started all over again.
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An hour later, after a lot of yelling, running, Raph nearly breaking at least three pieces of furniture, he managed to tackle Donnie to the ground( with lots of screaming, flailing limbs and sound of regret). And a bit later, Master Splinter finally had enough.
Master Splinter(calm but deadly voice):Raphael.Your rage is misplaced. You should not chase Donatello. Instead… you should thank him.
Raph( blinked):THANK HIM?! WHY?!
Splinter (stroked his chin):Because now, my son, you know what you would look like… if you had eyebrows.
Mikey immediately lost it again.
Leo? He was biting his lip so hard, desperately trying not to laugh.
And Raph?
Raph spent two hours scrubbing his face, only to realize…
That marker?
Yeah, it was waterproof.
It lasted three. Whole. Days.
The End
Chapter 3: A Sticky Prank
Chapter Text
A Sticky Prank
Tuesday was a cursed day in Raphael's opinion. He never understand why that day was cursed, but he knew that every damn time it was a Tuesday, something would happen.
It was a quiet afternoon in the lair of the four Ninja Turtles. Master Splinter was in Japan visiting some old acquaintances, so each member of the family was doing something to occupy their free time. Leonardo was in his room reading a book, Raphael was in the dojo punching the heavy bag, and Donatello was in the lab working with some volatile substances. No one was allowed in the lab during the experiment without the genius turtle’s permission. As for Michelangelo, the youngest and most energetic turtle, he was somewhere in the lair, unusually quiet.
So quiet, in fact, that the other brothers grew suspicious. They learned across the years that whenever their youngest brother was this well-behaved, something bad was coming:
Mikey was sick.
Mikey was exploring the surface alone.
Mikey was plotting a prank.
And the longer the silence, the worse the prank would be If it indeed was a prank.
Donnie stopped what he was doing and closed the lab doors as fast as possible. Leo took a glance down the hallway and closed the door to his room. Raph , on the other hand, couldn't look the dojo because it had no doors, so he kept hitting a practice dummy, and prayed that Mikey wouldn't choose him as a target that time.
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Raph( hitting the dummy practice): Take that! And that!
The red banded turtle was hitting the dummy practice like it owned him money...or personally insulted him. He was all hyped up, adrenaline high when his stomach let such a loud rumble that echoed in the entire dojo.
Raph( as his stomach growled again): Man, all this training made me hungry.
But he also remembered that somewhere in their home, his youngest brother was plotting Something. So, naturally, the red-banded turtle peeked his head out of the dojo's door and looked around.
At first glance, the youngest brother wasn’t around, so Raph left the dojo and headed to the kitchen. After all that training, the red-banded turtle was hungry and needed some food. He tip-toed, frowning when he tought he marched into a trap, and when he reached the kitchen, Raph exhaled.
Then he opened the fridge and grabbed a jar of jam and some slices of bread. Since Leo had broken the toaster half an hour earlier( Leo said the toaster has a vendetta against him; nobody believed this), Raph had to make a cold sandwich.
But there was a problem: he couldn’t open the jar.
Raph:That’s strange.
He tried multiple times and in multiple ways: with a fork( the fork bent), the tip of a knife( the blade snapped), a towel( nothing), and even his sai( the said sai richocheted and flew into a wall, embeding into it) . But the result was the same—the jar wouldn’t budge.
He opened the fridge again, this time irritated, and grabbed the jar of peanut butter. The same story repeated, and Raph started growling in frustration.
Immediately, he suspected that Mikey was behind this.
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In his neat, organised room, the leader in blue was lying on his back in his bed, reading a comic book with The same focus he had during meditation. His katanas, his pride and honored weapons, leaned against the wall next to his nightstand, fresh cleaned and polished.
Over the next five minutes, however, Leo heared his hot-head brother growling from the kitchen, but didn’t hear any sound of destruction. That was odd. So odd that made Leo put his comic book down and get up.Why didn't he hear the sound of furniture breaking, he didn’t know. In fact, the reason was simple:when the three older brothers weren’t paying attention or were out of the room, Mikey had glued objects and furniture with Donnie’s super-strong adhesive. No matter how hard Raph pulled, he couldn’t cause any damage. And this simple reason hit all the turtles since the moment Raph got stuck.
But that wasn’t all. Leo stopped at his door when he heard grunting and curses coming from..Raph's room? He opened the door slighlty just when Raph reached for the doorknob to his room and his hand got stuck. Despite all his efforts, he couldn’t free it.
Raph (yelled): MIKEY! I’M GONNA KILL YA!
The fearless leader couldn’t help but laugh hysterically from his room. Soon, after wipping tears from his sapphire blue eyes and taking a cooler attitude, Leo emerged and looked toward Raph’s room, while Raph, naturally, was yanking and glaring at the door so hard that even steel would have melted.
Leo leaned against his door's frame, arms crossed and a smug smirk plastered on his face.
Leo:What’s wrong, Raph? The big tough Raphie is stuck outside his cave?
Raph( sulking):Oh, shut up! Where’s that little annoying pest?
Leo:I don’t know. Haven’t seen him today.
Raph: He's so gonna regret this when I'm free.That dumbass...
Leo: You shouldn't have underestimated Mikey, Raph. You know that he is clever when he wants.
Raph: Clever or not, I'm gonna get 'im back. An' ya need help me get outta this.
Leo: Actually, I should go meditate in the dojo. See you later! ( Then he walked away)
Raph's acide green eyes widened.
Raph (shouted):Wait, where’re ya goin'?Fearless! I swear if ya don’t help me, I’ll kick yer and Mikey’s butts!
Leo (didn’t even bother turning back and shouted):I can’t help you because I can’t remove the glue! Not even Donnie can!
Raph’s face turned red at the news.
Soon, Donnie came to Raph. The shouting could be heard all the way to the lab, and because his work required maximum attention with volatile substances, the purple-banded turtle, wearing his lab coat, stopped his experiment and went to see what was happening. And he wasn't surprised to see Raph stuck by the doorknob, being a victim of Mikey's pranks.
Donnie:What happened?
Raph:I’ll tell ya what happened! That moron of Mikey glued me here with yer glue!
Donnie: Well, the glue's still in an experimental phase and the durability isn't that rezistent. So, in this case, you’ll have to wait at least an hour until the glue's-
Raph's soul left his body.
Raph:An hour?! Are ya kiddin' me, Brainiac?
Donnie: Sorry. I can't help you and I have to return to my work before the chemicals react and I miss their reactions.
Donnie left and returned to the lab, hoping he could continue his work.
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About fifteen minutes later, time when Raph yanked, yelled and cursed in a way that would make Master Splinter's fur stand up, the culprit finally appeared and came near the red-banded turtle.
Mikey (cheerfully):Hi, Raphie!
Raph (pointed at his youngest brother):You!You’re dead!
Mikey (defiantly):Really? And how are you gonna kill me?
Raph furiosly searched for his sais, only to realise that they weren't in his belt.
Luckily for the youngest brother, Raph had forgotten his sai in the kitchen and had nothing to throw at the orange-banded turtle.
Raph:Mikey, I swear in front of God—
But Raph didn’t finish his sentence because Mikey threw a water balloon straight at his face. More balloons followed, and Mikey’s aim was impeccable, much to Raph’s misfortune. The smell hit the like a truck.
Raph almost gagged.
Raph: Where the Shell did ya filled this ballons, bonehead?
Mikey( throwing another water ballon): It's sewer water, dude!
Raph( soaked in water):How many water balloons do ya have?!
Mikey:This is the last one!
After the last balloon, Raph's fury levels Grew at maximum level. He pulled hard and finally freed himself from the door of his bedroom...the doorknob still sticked to his hand.
Mikey( gulped): Oopsie…
Raph( smiling devilish, lunging):Come here!
Mikey ran off, barely dodging his older brother, and Raph chased him.
From the lab and dojo, Donnie and Leo marched in the main area, abandoning their tasks to watch the show.
Donnie:At least he’s not stuck near his bedroom anymore.
Leo(pinching the bridge of his nose):And he has a new weapon.
The duo watched as Raph and Mikey Ran past them in a blur of Green, orange and Red.
Raph (closing in):Ya're so toast, Mikey! No more Mr. Nice Turtle!
Mikey (eyes wide, voice cracking with panic):OH, SHELL NO! Not the face!
The End.
Chapter 4: Tug-of-war: Turtle Style
Chapter Text
Tug-of-war:Turtle style
It was supposed to be a normal evening.Right? Wrong.When four teenage mutant ninja turtles, a mutant rat and two human teenagers are in the same lair, things don't go as planned. Never.
Everything started as usual.Everybody was doing minding their own businessDonnie hunched over the TV, tools scattered around him as he tried to coax the machine back to life.April and Mikey sat cross-legged on the floor, lost in a heated card game.Casey fiddled with the arcade cabinet, trying not to break it.
Leo lounged on the couch, buried in a history book.Raph lay sprawled on the rug, arms folded, pretending he didn’t hear Mikey’s laughter.
Peace reigned for about five minutes because the Universe laughed, deciding to flip the script.
Casey Jones,eternal danger magnet, got bored. He abandoned the arcade machine and plopped down next to Raph on the couch.And a bored Casey was dangerous. Very dangerous.
Casey( poking Raph):Psst.Yo, Raph.Man.
Raph( swatting Casey's hand):What do ya want, Casey?
Casey:How about If we do Somethin' funny?
Raph looked at him, sensing something bad and chaotic coming.
Raph(suspicious):What are ya thinkin', Jones?
Casey( winking toward Mikey and Donnie):What If we mess with our favourite nerd and party boy?
Raph considered the idea.He knew it will cause chaos.But it was a very damn good and funny idea.And he liked it.
Raph( fist pumping with Casey):Alright, I'm in.What do we do?
Casey leaned in,whispered the plan în Raph's ear, their grins widening like wildfire.
Raph( smirking):Ya're so evil.
Casey( proud of his idea):Right?
After finishing thier complot, they took action.
______________________________________________
Donnie was so busy and deep in his work on fixing the TV that he didn't sensed Casey sneaking (as best as Casey could).And he didn't observed when Casey extended one hand and took from Donnie's Belt a screwdriver.Casey retreated slowly, waiting, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
Moments later, when Donnie reached in his Belt for the screwdriver, he didn't find it.
Donnie( tapped his chin):Where is my screwdriver?
Casey (holding the screwdriver, grinning like a hyena): Lookin' for this, Don-Tron?
Donnie’s head snapped up.
Donnie (as he stood up and marched toward Casey): Hey!Give IT back!I need the screwdriver to fix the TV.
Casey: Raph, catch!
Casey threw the screwdriver out of Donnie's reach to Raph, which caught it perfectly.
Donnie:Give it back!
Donnie ran to Raph, but Raph threw the screwdriver back to Casey.
Donnie: Stop it! It's not funny!
Casey( laughed): Actually, it's hilarious!
Raph: Live a Little, bro!
Donnie( shouted in frustration): Stop!
______________________________________________
With a sigh, Leo closed his book and marched into the crossfire.
Leo( hands on hips):Okay. What's going on?
Donnie (half exasperated, half frustrated): Leo, they stole my screwdriver! How am I supposed to fix the TV?
Casey( mocking in a voice close to Donnie's high-pitched, nasal voice):,,Leo, they don't want to give me the screwdriver!"
Donnie: Casey! It's not funny!
Raph( shrugged): Pft, stop bein' a baby.
Leo( intervening):Alright, this is enough.Both of You, stop.
Raph (nonchalantly): Lemme me think..Nah.
Leo (serious, foot tapping impatiently on the floor):Raph, give him back the screwdriver.
Raph:Nah.
Leo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
Leo: You know what? Play all You want.Let's see how You survive without watching TV and playing video games.
Raph: Yeah, sure, Fearless.
Donnie (exasperated): Seriously?!
Leo sat back down, reopening his book. Donnie groaned in despair.
Leo: If you play their game, they will continue to mess with You.Let them get tired.
But Donnie needed the screwdriver right then.
______________________________________________
From the floor, Mikey and April abandoned their cards game and watched the others instead.
April ( concerned): Should we do Something?Donnie looks like he needs some backup.
Mikey (grinning): Don’t worry, April. I got this. Donnie’s saved me out a million times—it’s payback time!
With that, Mikey sneaked behind Raph.Raph was to busy to pass the screwdriver, so he didn't observed when Mikey took one of his Sais from his belt.The Orange-masked turtle took some steps back, far enough to don't get caught, and twirled the weapon in his hand.
Mikey( calling put):Hey,Raphie! Missing Something?
Raph’s eyes widened. His face turned redder then his bandana.
Raph( growled): Mikey.Put.That.Down.
Mikey( casual): Nope.
Raph: Mikey...
Mikey: Not until You give Donnie the screwdriver.
Raph's eye twiched. Donnie smirked.
Donnie: Karma's a Shell, huh?
Casey: We're not done with You.
Mikey: So Raph, do You want your sai back?
Raph ( roared):Mikey!
Donnie: How about this?Raph,You give me the screwdriver and Mikey gives You your sai.
Raph growled.
Raph:Fine.
Casey: Ya're a buzzkill, Mikey.
Mikey( offended): Hey, I'm the party dude!
Donnie: Ahem, the exchange?
Raph, knowing his chances, accepted.But he had a trick in his sleeve.
Raph extended the arm with The screwdriver.Donnie reached for it, while Mikey extended his arm with the sai.Donnie reached fast, but the grip on the screwdriver didn't loosened.
Donnie: Hey!You're cheating!
Mikey, in the last moment, took the sai away from Raph.
Mikey: Missed me, bro!
Raph(muttering): Ugh, sewer apples..
______________________________________________
In their negotiation, just when everything seemed to tone down a bit,Casey, being Casey, couldn't resist, and took one of Mikey's nunchucks.
Mikey ( frowned, outraged):Casey, give it back!
Casey: No till ya gave Raph the sai.
Raph: HA!That's the spirit, Jones.
Donnie, now in war with his brothers and their human reckless friend, narrowed his eyes, then coolly reached over and plucked Casey’s phone from his pocket.
Casey( horrified): Don't, don't ya dare!
Donnie (smug): Oh, what’s the matter? Can’t live without your phone? Who’s the baby now?
Casey lunged for it, Donnie dodged, and suddenly the war had four sides.
From the sidelines, Leo facepalmed while April leaned back on the couch.
April: Can't we have a quiet evening?
Leo: April, the word ,,quiet" doesn't exist here.
April:..Right.But seriously, how long are they going to keep doing this?
Leo: Knowing them, until next morning.
_____________________________________________
In the “battlefield,” negotiations started and the shouting overlapped:
Donnie: Raph, give me the screwdriver.Mikey will give You your sai.
Raph: Not until Ya gave Casey the phone back.
Donnie: Well, I won't give him the phone untill You give me the screwdriver.
Mikey: Yeah! Casey, give me back my nunchuck and I'll give Raph his sai.
Casey: Not till the nerd here gives me my phone.
Donnie: I'm not giving You your phone until Raph gives me the screwdriver.
Mikey: New trade, guys. I'll give Donnie the sai.Donnie will give me the phone.Casey gives me back my nunchuck, and I give him his phone.Donnie gives Raph the sai and Raph gives Donnie the screwdriver.Easy!
Raph: It's the same problem, dumbass.
Casey: How about this:we hand eachother at the same time the objects.
Donnie( looking at the red banded turtle):We already tried this, and Raph here tried to cheat.
Raph (puffing his chest): It's strategic and defensive thinkin'.Ya nerd don' get it.
From the couch:
Leo: It's like watching paint dry in slow motion.
April: Or grass growing.Or both.
In the war teritory:
Raph: How bout If we all put the things in the center, step back ten steps and took our own objects?
Mikey: I kinda like it.
Donnie.No, Raph.You'll cheat again.
Raph: Then what should we do then?
Donnie: We need someone who's not implicated in this war.Someone who's honest and impartial.Someone to who we will give the objects and give them back to their right owners.
The four of them looked in unison at Leo.
Leo (serious,cross-armed): No.I don't want to get dragged in this war.
Mikey: Come on, Leo! You're the most Fair person here.
Raph (pointing at Mikey and Donnie): He'll take yer part.He always does.
Leo: Raph, I don't take nobody's part.I mediate conflicts.
Raph: Well, I don't agree.
Mikey: How about April?
Five Pairs of eyes turned to the Red haired teenager.
April (incredulous): Me?
Donnie: You're literally the only person here who won't take nobody's part.The chances are 0%.
April: Guys, you're all acting like kindergarten kids. Just stop, I'm not a teacher who has to deal with misbehaving kids.
All four: Hey!We're not!
_____________________
Before chaos could escalate further, the sound of a cane tapping echoed down the hallway.Master Splinter appeared, regal and calm despite the shouting.
Master Splinter:What is with all this noise?
Instant silence. Six guilty faces stared at him.
Splinter: I want an explanation. One at a time.
They looked at eachother.Mikey raised his free hand sheepishly.
Splinter: Yes, Michelangelo?
Mikey: Well, Sensei, short long story: we're caught in a Mexican duel and we try to find a solution.Casey took Donnie's screwdriver, I took Raph' Sais, then Raph got Donnie's screwdriver; and I got Raph's sai and Donnie got Casey's phone.And Casey took my nunchuck.
Splinter sighed, ears twitching.
Master Splinter: And who started this...arguement?
Immeadiately, Donnie and Mikey pointed at Raph and Casey.
Raph:Hey, don't acuse me.I ain't started this.
Mikey:Nuh-un, You did, dude.
Raph:I didn't!Casey here did.
Casey: Hey!Ya agreed to play along.
Raph: I agreed, yes, but I didn't come with the plan.And it would've been easier If the Orange-masked pest here didn't intervened.
Mikey( defending himself): Casey complicated the things, not me!
Casey:Ya stole Raph's sai first.
Splinter (sharply): ENOUGH.
They froze.
Splinter (commanding): Raphael, return the screwdriver. Michelangelo, return the sai. Donatello, return the phone. Casey, return the nunchuck. Now.
They obeyed, grumbling.
Master Splinter ( stern):Now, be quiet and behave.If You don't, the four of You( Master Splinter gestured to Raph, Casey, Mikey and Donnie) will do 50 push-ups.
Casey: I am just a friend here.
Master Splinter (arching a brow): Perhaps You want 100?
Casey( gulping): No, we're good.
Raph: Yeah, we’ll behave.
Donnie: Definitely.
Splinter: Good.
He disappeared back into his room, leaving the lair in silence.
For about three seconds.
Mikey (grinning): Well… that was fun! We should do this more often!
The rest groaned in unison.
The End
Chapter 5: Floods and farts
Chapter Text
Floods and farts
Dark clouds churned above as rain lashed against the earth, drumming on rooftops and streets of the New York City alike. Thunder cracked through the night, shaking the air with each strike, while flashes of lightning tore open the sky. The storm raged on, wild and relentless, swallowing everything in its furious downpour.
Somewhere down the streets, in the sewer's tunnels invaded by the storm's water, the four teenage mutant ninja turtles and their father were minding their own business. Leo was practicing katas in the dojo, his katanas slicing the air with a subtle whistle as he moved with grace. Donnie was buried deep in his work in the garage, soldering some fallen pieces from the ShellRaiser back to their places. Raph was hitting the punching bag near the arcade machine, grunting, satisfied and reliefed every time his fists connected with bag. Master Splinter was in his room, flipping through the pages of his old Renaissance book, eyes wandering over the text and the pages.
At one point, they heard pipes rattling , but quickly assumed it was from the sheer amount of water from the surface. They assumed wrong cause shortly after they heard a scream. Mikey's screams, coming from his room.
Mikey: NOOOOO! MY SANCTUARY!
Donnie froze mid-soldering. Leo froze mid-kata. Raph froze mid-punch. Master Splinter just closed his book and sighed.
The three older brothers and their master headed toward the hallway with the bedrooms, and there he was.There stood Michelangelo, dripping wet, holding what used to be a pizza box but now looked like a piece of drowned cardboard.
Leo (sighed): What did You do this time?
Mikey:... nothing?
Leo facepalmed, and the others moved to the bedroom of the youngest Only to see..water coming from under the door?Master Splinter moved aside just as Raph kicked the door open, the sight dumbfounding them. The room was completely underwater. Action figures floated by in a perfect single-file line. Posters peeled off the wall like sad noodles. His beanbag chair was doing the backstroke and a pair of dirty underwear was floating in the corner.
Donnie( turning to Mikey): What did You do?!
Mikey: Nothing!
Raph: Then what, yer room decided to turn into an aquapark suddenly?
Mikey: Maybe.
Splinter( firm, yet a hint of dissapointed): Michelangelo....
Mikey( waves his hand): Okay, okay! I was doing tricks with my nunchucks when I hit a pipe and exploded and drowned my room!
All three turtles: What?!
Splinter( pinched the bridge of his nose): Michelangelo, what have I told you about training and using your weapons in the lair?
Mikey: ...that we use them only at training in the dojo and emergency cases of surprise attack?
Splinter: Then why did you use your weapons in your bedroom?
Mikey blinked and whistled innocently. Donnie and Leo, meanwhile, inspected the room for damage.
Leo (rubbed his temples):Mikey, you can’t sleep in there.
Donnie: Which means,(sigh)one of us has to let him stay in our room.
The four brothers looked at each other like it was the end of the world. Master Splinter moved back to his room, telling them that ,, he is going to meditate for two hours on Michelangelo's actions and that he doesn't want to be disturbed by any of them", leaving the turtles to sort this alone.
Raph: Well, who let's the dumbass in his room?
Leo:Rock-paper-scissors.Ninja style. The loser gets Mikey as roommate.
Mikey (grinned):Aw yeah, let’s RPS this destiny, bros!
Rock… paper… scissors!
Donnie’s hand was the only one with scissors. Everyone else had rock. He stared at his hand like it betrayed him and his entire family.
Donnie:…oh come ON!
Mikey jumped on him like a toddler with candy.
Mikey( cheering):Roomies! Foreverrrrr!
Donnie shoved him down and sighed. Raph, on the other hand, smirked and nudged Leo.
Leo: This is gonna be a long night.
______________________________________________
Donnie's room was the epitome of science-meets-bedroom-and- creative-order. Blueprints, gadgets and components were scattered on the desk. Shelves hold neatly arranged tools, science kits, and robotics parts. Posters of famous inventors cover the walls along with neon sticky notes about different topics, from engineering and other science, to reminders to go to sleep and advices for coffee.
The purple banded turtle took the books from his bed and put them back on the shelf, making room for them to sleep.
Donnie: Alright, Mikey-
Mikey: Sweet, dude!
The Orange banded turtle dove head-first onto the bed and nestled under the blankets.
Mikey: Feels so comfy..and smells like coffee.
Donnie: Fine. But there are rules: don't sing, don't jump on bed and, for the love of my sanity, do NOT fart.
Mikey: No way I'll fart, dude.
Donnie( sighs): Just move a bit so I can go to sleep.
The older turtle tossed his gear under his desk and layed down on the bed, stiff as a board.
Five minutes passed. Then ten. Then fifteen. Donnie started to drift to sleep, muscles relaxing despite the fact the freckled turtle clungs to him like a koala, when he heard it. A rumble. Coming from Mikey.
Donnie (opened his eyes): No.
Mikey( whispered): I shouldn't have eaten three burritos with beans, jelly beans and hot sauce, shouldn't I?
Donnie( whispered-yelled): Who does eat that?!
Mikey: Me. And my stomach's doing Macarena now.
Donnie: Please, just don't-
BRRRRAAAAAAAPPP!
The bed shook. The matress blew like a flag in a windy day.Donnie shot up on his bed like he was electrocutated.
Mikey( cheered):Level five, baby!That was an echoing ninja fart!
Donnie (gagged violently): You’re producing methane at a weaponized level! This isn’t a sleepover, this is domestic terrorism!
Mikey (rolled around laughing):Relax, D! Science says it’s all-natural… and highly entertaining!
Donnie(scrambling out of his bed and grabbed his bo staff): OUT! OUT!
Mikey( getting up slowly): Chillax! It's eco-friendly ninja gas!
Donnie: If you don’t leave right now, I will install Windows Vista on your BRAIN and I will inject caffeine into your bloodstream until your bones vibrate!
Mikey:...That's evil.
Donnie( shrieked): Mikey!
The orange banded turtle tumbled into the hallway, the door still open as Donnie sprayed FreeBreeze.
Mikey: Well, looks like I have to move to somebody else.
______________________________________________
Leo was meditating in his bed, an empty cup of tea placed on this nightstand. It was peacefull, calm, until he heard knocking on his door.
Mikey: Leo? Bro, you're asleep ?
The blue banded turtle felt it will end badly. He knew it will end badly for him. He should have faked he's asleep. But he didn't because:
a) he won't abandon his brothers
b) he won't turn against his brothers
c) he's an idiot sometimes.
Leo( sighs, voice calm) : Come in.
The Orange banded turtle cracked the door open and peeked his head in.
Mikey: Can I crash here?
Leo: Did Donnie kick You out of his room?
Mikey( drops to knees, clapps hands together): Yes! And You're my big bro who wouldn't let the me freeze in the main area!
Before the eldest can open his mouth to Say Something, the freckled turtle musters his Best puppy eyes, a look that could met even the coldest heart. The blue banded turtle knew it was a trap; the leader part of him warned him: No, it's a trap, he will ninja-gas You....but the Brother part told him: You can't kick Mikey out, Leo. He's your baby Brother, the Sunshine of Your family.
Leo listened to the Brother part and layed down on bed, making Mikey space to climb in.
Leo( patted the space next to him): Fine, You can come in. But Please, don't fart.
Mikey climbed in without hesitantion.
Mikey(wrapped the blanket around both of them and turned of the light):Promise, bro.
Leo: Good. If You fart, I’m going to recite all 30 pages of Splinter’s Lecture on Patience while staring directly into your soul.
Mikey(nestling):That’s… oddly specific.
Leo: I memorized it out of trauma.
Five minutes latter, a loud rumble echoed in the room. The sapphire blue eyes of the elder turtle snapped open.
Leo( in a voice so calm that even TigerClaw would freeze): You promised, Michelangelo.
Mikey: Dude, it's not what You think-
BRRRRAAAAAPPPPPP
The blue banded turtle turned slowly, like a horror movie villain and stared at the other turtle.
Mikey( already crawling out of the bed): Oopsie...But at least it was Level 8 echo! Did you feel that reverberation? I’m a ninja earthquake powered by burritos!
Leo( eye twiching, lunged for a pillow or his katanas): OUT! Out or else I’ll meditate so hard, the guilt will find you in your dreams.
Mikey( at the door):…wow. Harsh.
Leo( yelled): OUT!
Mikey bolted out and closed the door just as Leo threw the pillow at it.
______________________________________________
With only one option left, the freckled turtle moved at his remained brother's room: Raph.
Mikey pressed against the door, listening for any sounds.. nothing.
Mikey( whispered): Psst, Raph. Raph. Raph, Buddy, You awake? Raaappph. Raph?
He moved instantly when the door opened and Raph stood there, gearless, crimson red bandana askew and acide Green eyes still sleepy.
Raph: Uh, what d'ya want, shell-for-brains?
Mikey: Leo and Donnie kicked me out bro! And You're my last hope!
Raph( closing door): What makes ya think I'll let ya here? You terrorized 'em already.
Mikey( putting his foot so the door won't close): Please, Raph! You're my last chance! You would really leave your Little cute baby Brother to freeze?( He uses again his puppy eyes).
The Red banded turtle looked at Mikey. Then back in his room. Then back at his brother.
Raph( grumbling): Fine, ya can come in. But If ya fart, I'm gonna suplex ya into the next week.
Mikey( baby blue eyes lit up, hugs Raph): You're the best, Man!
Raph shoved him and grumbled, then climbed back onto his bed, Mikey next to him.
Ten minutes of peace passed. The hot head really thought he will be luckier then Leo and Donnie and escape the gas-pocalypse. But Mikey's digestive system had other plans.
Raph: Don't.
Mikey( eyes widening): Well-
Raph: Mikey, I swear on my sais...
BRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPP
They both froze.
Raph: Ya. Did. Not.
Mikey( panicking): It was an accident, Raph!
Raph( cracked his knuckles): Alright, gas boy. Ya asked for this.
Before Mikey could react, Raph let out a monstrous, roof-rattling fart that practically shook the lair. Then he yanked the blanket over both of them.
Mikey (screamed):NOOO! Not the Dutch Oven of Doom!
Raph (cackled):Taste yer own medicine, bonehead!
Mikey (flailed): I’m dying! My lungs are suing me! My ancestors are crying!
Raph:Good.Justice smells like victory. And stinks, literally.
______________________________________________
Leo and Donnie were laying on the couch when Mikey crawled out of Raph’s room gasping.
Mikey:Air! Sweet, sweet oxygen! Ah...Note to self… never challenge Raph in a fart-off… that dude’s a WMD.
Leo( wrapped in a blanket):You’re not sleeping here.
Donnie:You’re banned from my room until 3025.
Raph leaned against the door of his room, smirking and cross-armed.
Mikey (sniffled):I’m just a lonely turtle… with a swamp for a bedroom… and a powerful butt.
Splinter suddenly entered, calm as ever, sipping tea.
Master Splinter:My sons, what is the noise?
Everyone pointed at Mikey.
Splinter sniffed the air. His whiskers twitched. His face hardened.
Splinter:…Michelangelo. Sleep in the dojo. Alone. Far from civilization.
Mikey (drooped): Even sensei abandoned meeee…
He dragged his pillow across the floor. But as he lay down, he grinned and turned to Raph.
Mikey: I’ll get you back, Raph! My fart-fu is unstoppable!
Raph: Good. Round two starts tomorrow.
Leo and Donnie groaned in unison.
The End
Chapter 6: Grabbed by the Red: The Great Turtle Heist
Chapter Text
Grabbed by the Red: The Great Turtle Heist
It all began as any other "typical" day in the lair. And everything shortly went south, with Leo and Raph arguing about something that, frankly, didn't matter. Raph, as usual, was grumbling about Leo's ,,stupid leadership," and Leo, equally as typical, was defending himself as the rightful leader of the team.
Raph (growled, jabbing a finger at his brother): Ya always think y'know best, Leo!
Leo (shot back, crossing his arms): Because I DO know best!That’s my duty as the leader
Raph (scoffed, throwing his hands up): Oh, here we go again.The I’m the leader speech! What’s next? The Master Splinter trusts me the most speech? The Raph, ya should listen to me speech? Or my personal favorite—Raph, ya’re bein' too reckless!
Leo (sighed heavily):If you’d just stop acting like an immature—
Raph: Oh, I’LL show ya immature!
And before Leo could react, Raph grabbed him by the waist and slung him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
Raph (smirked):Problem solved.
Leo (screeched):PUT ME DOWN, YOU MEATHEAD.
Raph (smirked):Nah.
Leo (struggled harder):RAPH.
Raph gave his shell a firm thwack.
Leo (gasped, sapphire blue eyes wide):DID YOU JUST—
Raph (smugly): Yup.
Leo (seethed):RAPH, I SWEAR TO SPLINTER—
Raph: Yeah, yeah, yell all ya want. I ain't puttin’ ya down.
Leo (struggled): PUT ME DOWN, YOU JERK!
Raph (patted his shell): Aww, but ya’re so cute when ya’re angry.
Leo screamed in rage.
Right on cue, Mikey strolled into the room, humming a little tune, a bowl of popcorn in hand. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the absolute crime happening before him.
He blinked. He dropped the bowl on the floor.Then grinned.
Mikey (gasped dramatically): Oh. My. GOSH.RAPH, ARE YOU KIDNAPPING LEO?!
Leo (flailed harder):YES. YES HE IS. HELP ME.
Mikey (cackled):DUUUDE. This is AMAZING.
Raph (grinned):Right?
Mikey fist-bumped Raph.
Leo (gasped):MIKEY. YOU TRAITOR.
Mikey (shrugged):Sorry, bro. This is comedy gold.
Leo (groaned):You guys are the worst.
Then Donnie walked in from his lab, saw Leo being toted around like a lost Amazon package, Raph being smug and Mikey cackling and sighed. A sigh only a person that lives with three lunatics can possess.
Donnie:…Seriously?
Mikey (nodded excitedly):Seriously.
Donnie (rubbed his temples):Fine. New mission. Time to free Leo.
Leo sighed in relief.
Raph (snorted): Good luck with that.
____________________________________________
Tactic #1: The Pizza Bribe
The purple banded turtle marched into the kitchen and returned holding a fresh pizza.
Donnie: Alright, Raph. Let’s do this the smart way. Put Leo down, and I’ll give you… a WHOLE pizza. Extra meat. Extra cheese. Everything you like.
Leo (smirked): Oh yeah, Raph. You can’t resist that.
Raph looked at the pizza.
Then at Leo.
Then back at the pizza.
And then, without breaking eye contact… he took a massive bite of the pizza.
Leo (gawked):YOU JERK.
Mikey (gasped):HE’S TOO POWERFUL.
Donnie (groaned): Ugh. Plan B.
______________________________________________
Tactic #2: Reverse Psychology
Donnie (crossed his arms and smirked): Raph, be honest… do you even WANT to carry Leo?”
Raph (blinked):Huh?
Donnie (shrugged): I mean, let’s face it. Leo’s heavy, he’s annoying, and your shoulder’s probably dying right now.
Raph (grinned instantly):Oh, actually? I could hold him all day.
Leo’s soul left his body.Donnie’s eye twitched. And Raph shifted his weight to stand more confortable and moved Leo on the other shoulder like he weighted nothing.
Mikey (snorted):Dude. You just made him wanna keep Leo longer.
Leo (groaned):Donnie. You just made this worse.
Donnie (grumbled): Fine. Plan C.
______________________________________________
Tactic #3: The Sentimental Card
Mikey clapped his hands together, baby blue eyes sparkling exaclty like when he did a succesfull prank.
Mikey: OKAY. NEW PLAN. Let’s get in his HEAD.
Donnie (raised a brow):What do you mean?
Mikey (grinned):I mean…
Mikey dramatically dropped to his knees, gripped Raph’s leg, and started FAKE SOBBING.
Mikey:RAPH, PLEASE. THINK OF MASTER SPLINTER.
Raph froze.
Leo (perked up): Ohhhh. That got his attention.
Mikey (kept going):Think about what he’d say if he saw this! His disappointed little rat face! The deep, soul-crushing ,,Raphael… I am not mad, just disappointed’' speech!
Raph (grimaced):Ya little—
Mikey (sniffled dramatically):RAPH, YOU CAN STILL BE SAVED.
Raph (rolled his eyes):Nice try.
Mikey (gasped, put a hand on his plastron and dramatically flopped backwards on the floor): You MONSTER.
Donnie (sighed):Alright, next plan.
______________________________________________
Tactic #4: Noodles
Leo took a deep breath. He had an idea.
Leo( casually): Alright, Raph,carry me if you want. But just so you know… I’M GOING DEAD WEIGHT.
Then, he went limp.
Full-body, absolute ragdoll mode.
Raph (immediately struggled):HEY—
Leo flopped harder.
It was like carrying a super-sized, uncooperative lasagna noodle.
Raph staggered and grunted.
Donnie and Mikey (cheered):YES, LEO! GO BONLESS!
Leo went even limper.
Raph (gritted his teeth): YA LITTLE—
Then, the Red banded turtle had an idea.With an evil smirk, Raph spun Leo around and cradled him like a bride.
Leo GASPED IN HORROR.
Leo: RAPH. DON’T YOU DARE.
Raph (grinned):Awwww, look at my adorable little Leo!
Mikey ( dying of laughter):OH. MY. GOSH. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Donnie was crying with laughter.
Leo (screamed):RAPH, YOU PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME—
Raph (cooed):Awww, my little princess is mad~
Leo almost combusted.
Mikey and Donnie were on the floor.
Mikey: DUDE. HE CALLED HIM A PRINCESS. HE’S DEAD.(Then pointed at Leo.):HE’S GONNA EXPLODE.
Donnie (gasped between laughs):OH MY GOSH. THIS IS HISTORIC.
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Tactic #5: Musical warfare
Mikey stood up and cleared his throat.
Mikey (whispered):…Donnie. It’s time.
Donnie: No. We swore we’d never—
Mikey: We swore to protect him.
Donnie (sighs): Fine. God help us all.
They sang.A terrible, painful duet.Off-key.
Loud.Emotional. A dog howled somewhere at surface in sympathy.
Donnie: 🎶LET IT GOOOOOO—
Mikey: 🎶LEO NEEDS TO BREEEEATHE—”
Donnie and Mikey: 🎶RAPH HAS HIM SQUASHED LIKE CAAAAAKE—”
Splinter walked into the room.Stared.
Nodded. Then walked away, because a wise father knows when some battles aren't his.
The turtles just stared.
Raph: Ya know what? That’s it. I’m gonna duct tape yer mouths shut.
Leo: I WOULD PAY YOU TO DO THAT.
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Tactic #6: Video Blackmail
The younger turtles retreated into the lab, ready to unleash their final plan.
Donnie pulled out a tablet and scrolled on it until he found what he wanted.
Donnie: I have security footage from the time Raph slipped on one of Mikey’s banana peels and screamed ,,MAMA!".
Mikey: Release it.
Donnie: He will kill us.
Mikey:But Leo will be free.
They hacked the TV system.Suddenly, the footage played on every screen in the lair.
(Raph’s voice):—AAAAAH MAMA!! THUD
From the main area:
Silence.
Then:
Raph; DONNIE. I KNOW THAT WAS YA.
Donnie dropped the tablet and ran.
Mikey (sprinted too and yelled): RUN, DONNIE—RUN!
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Tactic #7: The nuclear weapon
After quarter an hour of yelling and running, Mikey and Donnie dove and hid behind the couch.
Raph , on the other hand, sat on the couch with Leo curled up on his lap like a very angry blue weighted blanket.
Leo: You can’t just held hostage your problems, Raph.
Raph: Worked for Master Splinter durin' the Foot Clan days.
Leo: THAT’S NOT EVEN HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.
Mikey( from behind the couch): He sounds like a haunted flute.
Leo had enough.He took a deep breath.
And in the calmest, most terrifying voice possible...
Leo: Raph. If you don’t put me down, I will tell Master Splinter… about the time you accidentally called him Mommy.
Silence.
Raph froze, acide Green eyes so wide that they nearly popped out of his head.
Mikey screamed.
Donnie choked on his own breath.
Raph’s grip weakened.
The blue banded turtle smirked triumphantly and leaned closer to Raph's head.
Leo( whispering in Raph's ear):I win.
Raph dropped him instantly.
Leo landed with a thud, victorious.
Mikey (gasped, pointing at Raph):YOU CALLED SPLINTER MOMMY?!
Raph (turned bright red):I WAS HALF-ASLEEP, OKAY?!
Donnie (wheezed):Oh, I am NEVER letting you live that down.
Raph (stormed off and shouted): I HATE ALL OF YA!
Mikey (cheered):BEST DAY EVER!
Leo sat up, sore but satisfied.
He had won the war.
The End