Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rage turmoiled through Chan like an ocean in this wild storm. He couldn't bear to lay his eyes on the man in front of him, the man he once called his most important person. As he stood on a bridge over the Han River, a thunderstorm howling around him, he felt surprisingly calm. Surrounded by noise, only the anger in his heart remained.

This peace only interrupted by the presence of someone more than unwanted.

"Why are you here?" he asked, looking at the wet pavement below him. The heavy rain pattered against the back of his head and dribbled down his back.

Woojin's voice was barely audible. "I was worried about you."

Chan scoffed. "Don't pretend like that was ever the case. Don't lie to me." He lifted his head. His thunderous glare met Woojin's eyes.

"Don't you dare lie to me."

The great river below them roared furiously. As the howling wind carried more rain with it, Woojin felt shivers run down his back. "I'm not lying to you. Not this time," he replied, firmly looking back. Chan didn't say anything and his nose twitched once as he shifted his gaze. Woojin let out a breath that he didn't even know he was holding in. He didn't want the younger to push him away just yet.

The rain pattered on around them. Chan leaned against the railing, hanging his head, and let out a pained sigh.

"You always do this. Why do you always do this?" He raised his voice slightly. "You say you care, just to leave after you get what you wanted. I can't do this anymore." His voice quivered and he quickly stopped talking. Despite everything they've been through together, Chan refused to show how much he was really hurting.

All he could do was whisper, "Just leave me alone."

For a moment, all he could hear was the noise of the storm.

Suddenly, the rain around him stopped. Chan looked up and was met with Woojin standing over him, holding an umbrella. He froze as Woojin reached out to caress his cheek. His touch burned like ice to Chan and he wanted to back away, but the look in the older's eyes told him to stay.

"I'm not leaving you this time," Woojin said softly. "No matter how much you want me to." He held Chan's face in his hand and slowly came closer. Time seemed to stand still as they gazed into each other's eyes. Chan wanted to believe him. He so badly wanted Woojin's words to be true.

He blinked and tore himself away. He couldn't do this right now.

Woojin felt a pang of disappointment as Chan's warmth left his side. It wasn't like Chan was wrong in mistrusting him. Admittedly, Woojin had made plenty of selfish decisions in his life and more than a couple of them had lead to severed relationships. He had hoped this one would blow over and that they could at least be friends again.

But he wasn't giving up this time.

Chan was standing in the rain again, his back turned to Woojin. He felt tired, despite his heart racing, but the flood of emotions overcoming him all of a sudden was too much.

"I'm going home." He gave Woojin one last look. "If you ever really loved me, you won't show up again."

Then he walked away into the thick fog, leaving Woojin alone in the storm.

Chapter Text

Chan turned his keys in the lock to his apartment. He slowly closed the door behind him and remained standing in the entryway, soaking wet. He watched his clothes drip rainwater on the floor beneath him and contemplated the idea of keeping them on for the sake of getting sick. It would allow him an excuse to rot longer in bed each day. Not that he had anything else to do in the first place.

He let out a frustrated sigh. As much as he hated himself right now, he wouldn't let his depression take hold. He had grown after all. Instead, he peeled off his clothes, threw them in a corner and hopped in the bathroom to take a hot shower. He then slipped into his most comfortable pyjamas and let himself fall on his bed, which was essentially just a mattress disguised as a glorified futon.

He gave out another frustrated sigh as he stared up at the ceiling.

Running through his mind were the events on the bridge. Eight years ago, Chan hadn't wanted to ever see the older again, and his blood would boil in resentment just thinking about him. Back on the bridge, he had been angry, too. But this time was different. Something in him was just too broken at this point, and he couldn't keep up with all the rage inside anymore.

He had nothing left to give.

As Chan curled up in his bedsheets, quietly sobbing, a single thought ran through his mind.

Was this pain all he'll ever be allowed to have?

----------------------

It was dark out in the midst of the night. The streetlights barely illuminated the walkway, highlighting the lower-class neighbourhood he lived in now. Singular bats occasionally flew around in the darkness and there were moths aplenty for them to feed on.

Chan had picked the latest time he could to be at the laundrette, in hopes of not running into anyone. It seemed he had guessed right, as he was the only one in the harshly lit room. Usually, he enjoyed the peace and quiet it brought. Sitting alone in such an environment had an oddly calm effect on the soul, he had found.

This time, however, his thoughts were messy. He felt restless and paranoid, like his every movement was being watched and everything seemed to be spinning. Thoughts about Woojin hadn't crossed his mind for the last years and his brain refused thinking about that man any more than it needed to. His heart, however. It ached with desire. The desire for a peaceful life, with the man and people he loved. Why was such a thought merely a dream now?

He abruptly shook his head. It was no use to keep thinking about what could have been; those days were long gone.

But if he had gotten over the betrayal, why was he still reminiscing? Why was he still so hung up on Woojin? Why did he want him by his side again after all this time?

The sound of the door opening brought Chan back to reality. He swung his head around to see a tired Hyunjin standing in the entrance. The younger froze at the sight and neither of them uttered a word. He must have had the same idea as Chan, showing up so late, but Chan had never seen the younger around before. Did he recently move here?

As the silence continued, Hyunjin's eyes flickered between Chan and the laundry machines.

This didn't escape Chan, and he turned away. He was mad at his former members, but there was no point in arguing anymore. As long as they didn't talk to each other, it would be fine, so he thought.

Hyunjin quietly made his way to the vending machine and began fumbling with it. He entirely avoided looking in Chan's direction. Once he finished putting his laundry in the machine, he sat down on the bench furthest away from the older and stared at the floor.

They sat like that, in silence, for a while.

Chan felt goosebumps growing on his back. He was itching to ask the younger how he's been, how Seungmin was holding up and what they have been doing. And he wanted to tell him so many things. That he's been doing terribly ever since they split up. That he missed them. That he's been so lonely without them. That he had no one but them.

He didn't say a word. After all, it's not like Hyunjin couldn't guess how Chan was doing. But it was eating him up inside.

The washing machine beeped, indicating the older's laundry was done, and he got up to put it in his basket and go home. As he was emptying the machine, Hyunjin cleared his throat. Chan stopped unloading momentarily, waiting for the younger to say something. Just as he thought he had been mistaken, Hyunjin opened his mouth.

"Where have you been?" he asked, so quietly that Chan almost didn't hear him.

Chan didn't answer. What was he supposed to say? He had been too much of a coward to face his demons. Such a coward, to the point that the only thing that saved him from being one of the 13.000 had been the man who once betrayed him.

He ran away and only stayed because the only one who seemed to want him was someone who ran away himself.

'It's a perfect fit,' he thought, chuckling to himself. 'Two cowards on the run.'

"Hyung?" Hyunjin finally looked over to him.

Chan didn't turn around. He finished putting his laundry away and walked past Hyunjin without even a glance in his direction.

"Hey, hyung!" The younger stood up, ready to block the exit. He had started getting agitated, and although he didn't like confrontation, he couldn't accept his former leader just ignoring him. Chan stopped in front of the door. Slowly, he turned around to look at Hyunjin. The gaze in his eyes was empty and soulless, and Hyunjin backed away a little.

"I'm tired of running," Chan replied finally. His voice was cold and sent shivers down the younger's spine.

Without another word, Chan spun around. He walked out the door, leaving Hyunjin behind in stunned silence.

Chapter Text

The waves crashed onto the shoreline and created a calming environment for Woojin's thoughts.

It was a cloudy day and he had settled down by the Han River, thinking it would relax him after his busy schedule. Instead, the rumbling sound of the sea reminded him of the storm a couple of days ago.

Woojin had first heard about the news 2 weeks after Stray Kids disbanded. One day, Felix had appeared at his front door, bawling his eyes out and rambling on about the news. When he mentioned Chan, Woojin had perked up.

"What about him?" he had asked, afraid of the answer he would get.

Felix, in between sobs, choked out, "He ran away. No one knows where he is." He had then grabbed Woojin by the shoulders and looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Please find him. I... I know you can."

Woojin had been doubtful but still reassured the younger that he would do everything he could to find his beloved Aussie brother. After all, he couldn't just sit around either.

After comforting Felix, Woojin had dropped the younger off at his and Seungmin's place and started driving around Seoul, looking around every spot he knew Chan frequented. The younger had most certainly changed during all this time, but Woojin still sometimes saw him by these places. It would be the most likely spot for the former leader to be at.

But he had no luck. Chan had been nowhere to be found.

Then, as a last resort, Woojin had headed over to the Han River. He had deemed it unlikely for Chan to be there, as he had certainly fought hard to overcome his demons. After an incident during their predebut days, Chan had promised Woojin that he would never let himself get to this point again. And he had kept that promise for as long as they had known each other.

But the older couldn't spare a chance in this moment. He knew better than anyone that promises only hold as much as value as one gives them, and at this time, a promise likely meant nothing to Chan.

Especially not a promise that had been broken twice already. Was it then really worth anything at all?

Driving around in the storming rain, Woojin had kept watch for any solitary figure considering the unthinkable. There hadn't been many people out, and those who were, had certainly looked like they regretted it. The cars on the road had been barely visible in the rising mist, and with Woojin's racing thoughts, he almost caused several crashes.

Trying to keep his cool, Woojin had continued searching. For two hours, he had driven over and across the river's several bridges to no avail. The sky had gotten darker and cloudier with every passing moment as his panic had risen, and he finally thought about stopping the search.

What if he had been too late? The storm would cover up any trace. Then, there would be no point.

And Chan's body would never be found.

Woojin had felt tears welling up in his eyes. His chest had ached with worry and sorrow, but he couldn't let those feelings take over. He had been on the brink of giving up, until he finally, FINALLY spotted a familiar figure.

Chan had stood in the rain, staring out into the open water.

He had torn his gaze away from the sea when Woojin's car pulled up. More curious than anything, he observed the car carefully. Woojin's utter glee had then been quickly replaced by the fear of Chan running away at the sight of him. But as their eyes met, he had found relief amongst the anger. The leader had grown tired of running.

In hindsight, Woojin regretted not catching up to the younger as he left. But he had taken his words seriously. Deep in his heart, he knew he still loved Chan, and he wanted to show him that.

The river once again roared, startling Woojin back to reality. He closed his eyes.

The news of the group had shaken him to his core as well. He had expected Stray Kids to go on for a long time. After all, they had thrived without him. Their bond was strong - he had experienced it first-hand - and the option of them disbanding seemed so unreasonable he almost didn't believe it.

Something must have happened; Felix' and Chan's reactions only proved this assumption of his.

Did they have a fight? What about? Was the company treating them badly? No, Chan would have never allowed that.

So then why? Why did this happen?

Woojin let out a sigh. He probably wouldn't ever guess, and it was no use speculating. Sitting up, he took out his phone and saw some missed calls from his manager Jiho. He hadn't told anyone he was missing today's schedule. There had been some important recordings Woojin should have attended, but he had dismissed them as nothing but another ad recording. While finding work after leaving a renowned company had certainly been difficult, he wasn't struggling for money nor did he want to feel like a sell out. So, he continued ignoring the calls and texts coming in.

Instead, he texted someone who he knew he should have texted first thing after he had found Chan.

'Hey, I've got news for you.'

The reply was immediate.

'What is it?? Did you find him??'

Felix would be overjoyed to know he had found him, but Woojin had originally planned to give him the news in person. It had been a couple of days now and it would be cruel to wait any longer. He didn't know when he would next see Felix, much less have the opportunity to talk to him.

'Yeah, but he didn't want to see me.'

'Figures. Thank God, at least he's alive.'

The reality of those words hit Woojin like a truck. He had been scared, terrified, of Chan having jumped off that bridge. He didn't know what he would have done had the younger not been there. Probably kept searching until his body was found.

He shuddered. That thought had produced an image in his head that he wished he never had to see. With trembling fingers, he typed a response to Felix' text.

'Yeah, I guess so.'

And after a little hesitation, he added,

'Please check up on him.'

'Of course, hyung. Thanks for finding him.'

That answer didn't do anything to help the rising panic in him. Chan had no one to really talk to. His only hyung was gone, and it was all Woojin's fault.

He suddenly felt his lungs cut out. It was as if a stone had lodged itself in his throat and he started gasping for air. His mind ran in circles, as he tried to breathe.

He had read about panic attacks but never actually had one himself. Now, utterly afraid, it became clear to Woojin how much Chan still meant to him and how dearly he missed him. If his love for the younger went that far, how could he still even live without him?

Suddenly, his phone pinged again.

'Hyung, you were at the bridge, right? Are YOU okay?'

Clearly, he was not. But he couldn't let Felix know that. The younger was worrying enough. Chan's mental state had always been extremely unstable, but recent events had made it clear that the kids couldn't trust him to even keep himself safe. They needed someone to be there for them. Their leader had been their reliable elder over the years and with him away, they'd be lost. They needed Woojin and they needed him to be reliable.

Woojin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then another. And another.

He managed to get his hands to stop shaking enough to type out an answer to Felix.

'Of course, I'm fine. I've dealt with him a lot after all.'

The wind had gotten stronger whilst he sat on the grass and he decided to retreat to his car parked by the street. There, Woojin sat and stared at his roof for a while. His heart still pounded in his chest, with a longing to see Chan.

Oh, how badly he wished he could visit him. But he knew the former leader would just shut the door in his face. Not to mention that Woojin didn't even know where he lived. He could probably ask Felix for help in that last regard, though. Maybe it would come in handy.

With a sigh, Woojin turned on his car. He might as well go home and write some more songs. Sitting around, pitying himself, wasn't going to help his state.

As he drove around Seoul, observing the people walking around the city, he let his mind wander. Back to a time, when all he would wish for was to be nothing more than ordinary. A time of loneliness and depression, when he had had no one but himself. Then, people would have had nothing to criticize, there would have been no reputation to lose, there would have been no hurt feelings. There would have been nothing to feel sorry about.

Close to the outskirts of Seoul, he spotted his apartment building. As he approached, he spotted his manager Jiho's car in the parking lot and groaned. Sighing, he braced himself for the storm of scoldings that would come.

"Hey, Woojin! Where the hell have you been?" Jiho yelled, as Woojin pulled into a parking space. "You had multiple recordings today! And you missed all of them!"

The idol stepped out of the car and waved him off. "Yeah, yeah, I know."

"You know? Stop being so dismissive, this is serious! We can't reschedule all of these." His manager was turning red in the face. Woojin felt a little bad for his situation, but he also couldn't bring himself to really care. Jiho constantly stressed himself out and at some point, there was just nothing Woojin could do to help anymore. He was thankful for all his work, but sometimes, he was just too much.

"Look, then there's nothing you can do about it. I didn't feel good, so I didn't show up, alright?" Woojin's career was important to him, but it's not like he had massive success and had millions of fans waiting for his promotions. It really wasn't that deep.

Jiho let out a frustrated groan. "This is mad. I can't keep running after you to make sure you follow your schedule!" Woojin rolled his eyes. "Then don't," he responded, "I can keep myself responsible. And I'd actually be more willing to show up if you didn't follow me everywhere I go..." He wished that last part had been an exaggeration. Rarely did he ever have the opportunity to get out of the house without this guy waiting for him with a massive van.

Jiho stared at him, mouth agape, as Woojin walked past him. Exasperated, he threw his hands in the air and turned back to the car, yelling, "Unbelievable!" And after a couple more steps, "You're getting tomorrow's schedule in the morning, and you BETTER be there!"

Woojin acknowledged his comment with a hand wave and entered his building. His apartment was located on the eight and final floor, ironically. As he climbed the stairs, he carefully inspected the doodles the kids in his building left behind on the apartment's doors. It had become a silly tradition of his since he moved here around six years ago, and it made his burdens a little easier to carry. He smiled, as he saw they had even left some on his door.

After entering his apartment, Woojin dropped his bag on the floor, took off his shoes and just stood in the hall for a while. The place was silent, with just the howling wind from outside being audible. Though, the sky had cleared up and his walls were bathed in a pleasant reddish-orange hue from the sunset.

An uneasy feeling crept up his spine. He didn't like the silence. Even after eight years of living alone, he wasn't used to it. He had spent a majority of his youth in dorms with other people and felt at home with their sounds in his space.

It was a part of him that never changed. And a part of his life that he dearly missed. He had gotten to know so many people in those seven years of his training, and even more after his first debut. He missed interacting with all of them, but ever since his rumour mill, most people in the industry shunned him. It had shown him who his truest friends were, and they were few and far between.

Being a part of Stray Kids had been the best thing to happen in his life. Even now, he wouldn't deny that. But after everything, he was never the same again. Racing thoughts became a constant, and he found himself worrying over every single interaction he had with others.

And during all this time.

Chan had never once left his mind.

Woojin shook his head. Over the last couple of weeks, he could barely stop thinking about him. Not that he ever had, but the recent news and his worry for the younger certainly didn't help.

He knew Chan wouldn't want his pity, or anything of the sort. There was nothing he could do, either way.

Woojin finally stepped further into his apartment and turned on the TV for some music. The wind outside was howling and as he looked out the window, the clouds in the distance looked like there was another storm brewing. He sighed, heavily bothered by the weather's constant changing. Just what he needed during this time.

He let himself fall on his couch. The combination of the quiet music with the occasional wind thankfully made for a pleasant source of white noise. As he closed his eyes, Woojin realized that there had been another thing he did regret. But before he could pinpoint what it was, he had drifted into sleep.