Archive of Our Own ^beta

Muscle memory is something that’s always fascinated Beomgyu. From the way it works to why it’s there and just how many times it takes to make a movement stick, everything about it entices him, captivates him. 

Being a dancer, he’s no stranger to muscle memory and running through hundreds of routines has taught him a lot about his body’s limits and capacity for it. Strangely though, the height of his abilities lies not in dance or the mundane but in a single word—Yeonjun. 

The way his lips form his name, how his fingers type the characters, Yeonjun is engraved into him in a way that would be impossible to forget even if he tried because that’s the thing with muscle memory, it holds onto your past whether you like it or not.

Tonight his fingers type in the familiar characters, searching #연준 on Twitter so he can scroll through all the posts of his hyung. He’s met with floods of pictures and videos of different moments of their tour, snippets of their variety content and each post makes him smile, albeit in different ways. His lips quirking up at behind the scenes footage from their music video and a proud grin at seeing everyone lose their mind over Yeonjun's high kick. It's only when he begins to see clips of Soobin and Yeonjun’s The Killa stage that his smile drops. 

It’s nothing against Soobin, he’s Beomgyu’s best friend in the entire world, but it’s more so about everything the song represents and how it pokes at one of his biggest insecurities and the embarrassing truth that ever since debut, Beomgyu has been jealous of Soobin and Yeonjun's relationship. 

Their real relationship, the one he sees every day, doesn’t ignite the fire of jealousy in his belly but the idea of their relationship the fans have conjured up does every time. Scrolling through the replies and quotes on the tweet, he sees it in motion—'Yeonbin' fans gushing about their dynamic, their chemistry. 

“best visual duo in tubatu”

“not just visuals, they have the best dynamic too”

“it’s more than a ‘dynamic’ lol we all know they’re fucking…”

When they look at Yeonjun with Soobin they think sex, they see chemistry and attraction oozing from each interaction. Even the smallest touches and affectionate words are amplified tenfold to a point where the original meaning is lost and they eat it up. They eat it up because it’s believable, a mutual attraction between the two is believable in a way it isn't if they were to switch out Soobin for Beomgyu. 

He can’t really blame them for it though, not when Soobin and Yeonjun themselves have said as much because under the replies of a video highlighting the choreography, he sees the clip of Soobin and Yeonjun discussing the creation of the song and, like always, it turns his stomach up in knots. 

"When I first saw it, there was no doubt Yeonjun would be the best but who'd be the second member for it?" Soobin says to the camera. "I'll go with me then."

"What's the reason?" Yeonjun asks with a hand covering his face. 

"How should I say this...the maknaes are..."

Soobin looks to the corner of the room in thought, thinking of the best way to phrase it and coming up blank. 

"They're less ripe?" Yeonjun suggests, hand still covering his now growing smile at the topic. 

"Yeah they're not ripe yet," Soobin agrees easily. 

"Less ripe."

"Since you and I are more seasoned."

"That's right," Yeonjun nods. 

The video ends and Beomgyu turns off his phone, throwing it on his nightstand and getting on his back to stare at the ceiling, watching his fan spin and spin. His fan feels a lot like his mind right now, just going in circles. 

He hates being reminded of how Yeonjun feels about him and how his fans can clearly see it too, how everyone knows Yeonjun looks at him as only a dongsaeng, a groupmate and a friend. 

The clip of them talking is from months ago and while part of him hopes and wonders if things could’ve changed for Yeonjun, he knows that it’s nothing but a pipe dream. Even though he’s felt like they’ve gotten closer recently, if Yeonjun was going to have feelings for him, he would’ve done or said something for him. Nothing on that front has changed and he doubts it ever will.

After seven years of yearning to the point his chest aches just looking at him, Beomgyu thinks it’s time to move on. There’s nothing he can do to change the way Yeonjun sees him and he might as well throw in the towel and save himself some future heartache. 

He’s sure he’ll go through a new special kind of heartache as he goes about moving on but it’s better than the cycle of hurt and disappointment he’s stuck in now. He might never be able to forget Yeonjun but maybe he can forget how it felt to love him. 

──── ⊹ ✶ ⊹ ────

Life lately has been rough without Beomgyu. 

While he can physically see him, theoretically touch him and sometimes even talk to him if Beomgyu doesn’t find an excuse to leave, he doesn’t feel Beomgyu, not like before. Beomgyu has always been a safe place, an escape for Yeonjun from all the noise of life and without his usual presence by his side, he feels like he’s close to drowning.

Sighing, Yeonjun looks at his face in the bathroom mirror, taking in the dark circles under his eyes, accentuated by freshly dyed black hair that adds to the unusual contrast of his complexion. He looks as exhausted as he feels but that’s to be expected when preparing for a new comeback and he supposes that’s also to be expected when your close friend suddenly decides to leave you hanging in that stress alone. 

“Get it together, Choi Yeonjun,” he says to himself, splashing some cold water on his face. He has to get back to practice, he can’t keep everyone waiting.

The new choreography they have to learn isn’t their hardest by any means but it has a lot of intricate moves that he keeps getting tripped up on, moves that would’ve never given him pause before—he’s supposed to be better than this. 

When pushing open the heavy door of the studio, Yeonjun expects to find the other four chugging water or laying limp on the ground, catching their breath before the short break is over, not Taehyun and Kai laughing as Beomgyu chases after Soobin around the practice room. It's an interesting sight for more reasons than one but mainly because this is the most animated he's seen Beomgyu in weeks. 

“What’s going on?” Yeonjun asks, sitting down next to the two maknaes. Kai's head is in Taehyun's lap and he's letting Taehyun card his fingers through his hair mindlessly in a simple display of their affection, their closeness and it makes his bones ache with a strange kind of jealousy. Five can be a lonely number when you're the odd one out. 

He tears his eyes away from them, pushing down all that he's feeling and focusing on the scene unfolding in front of him—Soobin yelping as Beomgyu gains ground and jumps him, pulling what looks to be his phone free from Soobin's grasp. Kai laughs heartily again when Beomgyu pushes Soobin once more for good measure before frantically typing something on his phone.

"Soobin hyung found out about Beomgyu's date tonight and won't leave him alone," Taehyun snorts and shakes his head dismissively. 

The word rings in his mind—date. 

"What?" Yeonjun's brain comes to a screeching halt, all his previous thoughts gone and the white noise of he's always running from is turned up to the max, overwhelming and deafening. 

"Hyung has a date with Hwang Hyunjin," Kai tilts his head to look at Yeonjun better. 

"His friend Jeongin has been trying to set them up for forever and he finally agreed to it," Taehyun adds. 

Hwang Hyunjin? A date? 

"Oh..." Yeonjun nods, trying to process the information. 

He assumed the reason Beomgyu had been pulling back from him, ignoring him, had been a side effect of the comeback stress they're all feeling but going on a date doesn't line up with that. How could he make time for Hyunjin when he seems too busy to spare Yeonjun a second glance?

"I didn't know Beomgyu was into dating," he says to no one in particular. This new information is making his mind feel all fuzzy and his thoughts jumbled. 

"I think it's a new development," Kai says, giggling when Beomgyu holds up his fist to Soobin in a silent threat when Soobin tries to look at his screen again, instantly making the older flinch. 

"I guess so."

Beomgyu has never been one to date around or date at all really, Yeonjun can count on one hand the amount of dates he's been on in the past seven years he's known Beomgyu. Now, of all times, is just strange and honestly a terrible time to start. 

While he doesn't know if the date will even go well, it's still a distraction, just like Soobin's teasing is right now. Dating during comeback preparations will only take up the free time he's supposed to use resting and eat away at his energy and focus—it's like Beomgyu is just setting himself up for failure and Yeonjun doesn't like that. He may not be the leader but he is the eldest and with that he feels a certain sense of responsibility over his members which must be why he's feeling so torn up about it.

Looking back to Beomgyu his stomach twists unpleasantly again. He's staring at his phone with a small smile on his face, his cheeks rosy and, after a beat, he begins to bite his lip—something in Yeonjun snaps. 

"Let's get back to it," he stands up abruptly, startling Kai and Taehyun. "We're here to work, not text." 

An awkward silence falls over them and Yeonjun realizes he came off a bit too harsh, words cold.

"Hyung is right, I'll get the music," Soobin says, clearing his throat. Everyone else stands up, following the leader's direction and getting into position.

Yeonjun starts shaking his muscles, loosening his shoulders to get ready and when he looks into the mirror, he's met with his pale, borderline sickly appearance. It's unpleasant to say the least but somehow he feels even worse when he meets Beomgyu's eyes in the mirror and sees him looking back with a hurt, confused expression. Yeonjun feels hurt and confused too but he doubts it's for the same reasons and that makes him sick. 

──── ⊹ ✶ ⊹ ────

"Beomgyu-yah!" Yeonjun calls out to him the moment he comes through the door. His speech is slightly slurred and his excitement alone is enough to raise Beomgyu's suspicions that he's been drinking. Those suspicions are swiftly confirmed when he steps into the living room and sees beer cans and soju bottles littering the coffee table along with the remnants of take out.

Taehyun is next to Yeonjun on the couch, his cheeks flushed and a beer in his hand. He looks at Yeonjun, startled by his outburst and then to Beomgyu, "Hi, hyung."

"You guys had a good night?" Beomgyu asks, nodding his head towards the copious amount of bottles. Just like his shout, Yeonjun moves abruptly and grabs Beomgyu's hand, pulling him down onto the couch between him and Taehyun.

"Mhm," Yeonjun smiles crookedly. He's close enough now that Beomgyu can smell the mix of beer and fried chicken on his breath. "We're celebrating finishing up our recordings. You finished too, right?"

Beomgyu jolts in surprise when Yeonjun's hand comes to rest on his thigh and he leans in closer. It's not uncommon for him to grab his thigh like this—privately and even on lives—but he hasn't in weeks; Beomgyu hasn't been close enough for him to reach out and actually touch. His tolerance for Yeonjun seems to have gone down because a simple squeeze of his thigh sends a shiver through him. 

"Yeah, I did," Beomgyu's voice comes out strained when Yeonjun begins stroking his thigh with his thumb. The sensation has blood rushing straight to his cock. Yeonjun is usually touchy when he's drunk but this is a bit much.

"Should we celebrate too? I think there's more beer in the fridge."

Beomgyu shifts in his seat and shakes his head, not trusting his voice. Nodding, Yeonjun leans into him more, "You're home late again."

"Uhm, yeah. I was with Hyunjin," he coughs awkwardly—Yeonjun is always weird when he comes back from hanging out with Hyunjin. 

"Mhm, I thought so."

His stroking stops and he grabs the meat of his thigh, causing Beomgyu to let out a quiet squeak. Does he have to be so tactile?

Taehyun meets his gaze and his eyes dart to Beomgyu's lap where he's embarrassingly growing harder by the second, "Okay...On that note, I'm gonna go to bed. Do you have this?"

‘This’ being taking care of drunk Yeonjun, getting him to bed because he is too far gone to do it properly himself. A task no one in their group enjoys but a necessity regardless. 

"I got it. Goodnight and drink some water before you sleep."

Taehyun chuckles, "Yes, sir."

"G'night," Yeonjun smiles and waves him off, his head plopping on Beomgyu's shoulder. His body becomes molded into Beomgyu's side, emanating warmth and smelling like a mix of alcohol and spice with Yeonjun's usual cologne. 

Despite everything, his body still reacts to Yeonjun touch and his mind does too, savoring and making sure he remembers the feeling. It’s everything he’s spent the past few weeks desperately trying to avoid, ignore, forget, and in a moment that effort is rendered null and void. 

Prying Yeonjun's hand off before it gets any worse, he stands and says, "C'mon hyung, let's get you to bed."

Yeonjun falls back into the cushions dramatically and shakes his head, "I don't wanna, I want to talk with you." 

"We can talk while you get ready for bed," Beomgyu sighs when Yeonjun doesn't move. It feels like he's dealing with a toddler and not a twenty four year old.

"C'mon, Jun," he grabs Yeonjun's arm, his body almost dead weight as he pulls him up. Yeonjun rests his hand on Beomgyu's shoulder for support when he gets upright and starts swaying a bit. 

Brown eyes find his, a mole placed perfectly under one, and the intensity in them sends a pang, a searing ache to Beomgyu's chest. 

"I miss you, Beomgyu-yah," his voice drips with honesty—with hurt—when he says it. It's so raw and Beomgyu feels so guilty because he knows exactly what Yeonjun means. 

"I'm right here, hyung," his words coming out rough.

Yeonjun's frown deepens and his expression drops, "You are and you aren't."

Then his hand drops too and the physical distance it creates only makes Beomgyu ache more. He's hurting his hyung and he knows it. He's hurting him and he doesn't know how to stop, how to fix the mess he's caused. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He thought after a few weeks of going cold turkey on all things Yeonjun he could squash his crush but it's been a lot harder than expected. He thought trying to fall for someone else would help too but the distraction didn't work, Hyunjin wasn't what he hoped but he's what he needs—someone who understands. 

After a few lackluster dates they decided they're better as friends because they're both hung up on someone else—Beomgyu on Yeonjun, Hyunjin on Jeongin. They didn't stop hanging out though, platonically, and Beomgyu never bothered to correct Yeonjun's assumptions of what their late nights entail. He still doesn't know why he did that, the words just never come. Maybe he likes the attention even if it's nothing more than curiosity, even if he's still actively pushing Yeonjun away because his confused face brings Beomgyu nothing but guilt. 

He doesn't want to face the mess he's made of their relationship, their years long friendship, especially when he's decided to give up on all his original plans and wants. Instead he spends his days commiserating with Hyunjin, not even trying to keep moving on—he's accepted his fate and everything he's fucked up by trying to avoid it. He was a lost cause from the start and he's only now realizing it. 

"I barely see you these days, you're always with Hyunjin or wherever else, never here. I don't like it. I don't like you and Hyunjin," he talks in a pout, his voice...jealous?

"Why not?" Beomgyu needs to know, he can't let himself read into it. His mind will twist it, justify his feelings when there's no real cause to—Beomgyu knows himself.

Yeonjun pauses, "I...I don't know, I just don't. I don't like it at all."

The illusion falls in an instant—he doesn't know. Yeonjun is jealous and he doesn't know why. 

He should've expected as much. He shouldn't have let himself hope for a moment when he knows where they stand but Beomgyu has always been a hopeless romantic—emphasis on hopeless. 

"Let's just," Beomgyu inhales. "Let's just get to bed and we can hang out tomorrow. It's been a long day, hyung."

Yeonjun yawns as if on cue, with his face lightly bloated and his lips full, he looks years younger, almost like when they met. Any frustration or hurt he felt from the new revelation of Yeonjun's jealousy dissipates at his soft features. It's the face he first fell in love with. 

"Tomorrow," Yeonjun affirms with a nod, his eyes getting sleepy and he complies. 

Tomorrow.

──── ⊹ ✶ ⊹ ────

His phone lights up and the time stares back at him—1:28AM.

Yeonjun knows Beomgyu isn’t a child with a bedtime and this is far from the latest he’s stayed out but knowing he’s out with Hyunjin has Yeonjun on edge. 

He doesn’t know Hyunjin personally and even though Changbin talks about him adoringly, Yeonjun can’t help but get a bad taste in his mouth every time he thinks of him. Thinking about him with Beomgyu is the worst.

But he is with Beomgyu and Beomgyu is with him.

He hates it.

Yeonjun sighs and leans back against the cushions of the couch, his head craning towards the ceiling. Ever since Beomgyu started seeing Hyunjin, his mind is constantly cluttered and he has a hard time making sense of everything—anything—he’s feeling these days. That confusion has led him to stay up waiting for him like this more times than he’d like to admit, more times than he even realized before Taehyun asked him why.

What is he even doing? Why is he still up like Beomgyu is going to be happy to see him when he gets back? 

Beomgyu hasn’t been happy to see him in ages, way too long for him to be waiting for him like this. He’s just being stupid and based on the look Taehyun gave him when he tried to explain, Taheyun agrees. 

Feeling ridiculous, Yeonjun decides to preserve some of his dignity and go to bed before he’s discovered but the moment he stands, the keypad to their apartment beeps and the door unlocks—Beomgyu is home.

“Shit…” Yeonjun hisses, there’s no way he can make it to his room before Beomgyu sees him. His eyes dart around, zeroing in on an empty glass left on the couch’s side table and he figures that’s good enough of an excuse. It’s a lot better than his alternative of standing like a gaping fool waiting for the embarrassment of Beomgyu asking what he’s doing.

“Hyung?”

Yeonjun grabs the glass, "Hey, Gyu."

"You're still awake?" Beomgyu asks, adjusting his glasses. "I thought you had to be up early tomorrow?"

He does, he has to be awake and out the door by 7:00am but his mind won't shut up.

"Can't sleep," he holds up the glass. "Was just going to get some water."

Beomgyu nods and follows him into the kitchen, leaning against the counter as Yeonjun fills up his unneeded water. Yeonjun can feel the weight of Beomgyu's gaze on his back—he can see right through him, Beomgyu always can.

"Did you have a good date?" Yeonjun's words go dry in his throat when he takes in Beomgyu's appearance, his tousled hair and the collar of his shirt askew. Did Hyunjin do that?

Yeonjun’s mind is flooded with images of Beomgyu and Hyunjin kissing, one of Hyunjin’s hands tangled in his hair and the other toying with his collar—it makes him sick with an emotion, a kind of jealousy he can’t place. 

"Date?" Beomgyu's lips turn down in a frown and his gaze lowering to look at his fidgeting hands.

"With Hyunjin," Yeonjun doesn’t mean to but his voice comes out more biting than intended and it only makes Beomgyu's frown deepen. 

"Uh, no, we were just hanging out for a bit. We're better as friends." 

Yeonjun's breath catches, "You two aren't dating?'

"No," Beomgyu finally meets his eyes again and laughs dryly. "We never really were...after that second date or so we decided."

Relief washes over him like a wave, his muscles relaxing and his chest no longer crushed by the weight of all the emotions that feel impossible to place. He didn’t realize just how tense the conversation was making him.

Happiness pulses through him too but he’s careful to not let that show because Beomgyu speaks like he’s slightly pained. It leads Yeonjun to believe the friendzoning might not be entirely mutual like he said. 

“It’s good though,” Yeonjun smiles weakly at Beomgyu, hoping it comes off reassuring enough. “You shouldn’t be dating anyway.”

Beomgyu’s face shifts in a moment, going lax and expressionless and then his gaze intensifies. His eyes are once again piercing and staring straight into Yeonjun with an unexpected severity he’s only seen on Beomgyu’s face a few times, none of which were directed at him. 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

The sudden change in his demeanor makes Yeonjun’s heart skip a bit, his stomach sinking, “I just mean with the comeback and stuff. You’ve never really dated before so it could be too overwhelming to juggle it all.”

The words come tumbling out of his mouth trying to explain the relief he feels from the situation without giving too much of that secret happiness away. 

Beomgyu stays locked onto him, “Do you think I’ve been struggling with this comeback? Failing to keep up?”

“Well, no. I—”

“Because if you thought I’ve been dating Hyunjin this whole time, why would you be worried that I can’t handle a relationship? In your mind I was already successfully doing it.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Gyu,” Yeonjun feels nauseous, wishing he could reach out and grab the clumsy words he spoke carelessly.

“Then how did you mean it? Because I know you didn’t say that to Soobin when he got into his last relationship—or his first either,” Beomgyu coldly spits out. “It’s hypocritical, hyung. Just because I’m not as seasoned as you two, doesn’t mean I’m completely clueless.” 

“Beoms…” Yeonjun doesn’t even know what to say because he’s right—he’s acting hypocritical and he has been for a while. 

Yeonjun was never truly concerned about Soobin’s ability to do his job when he stepped into relationships or began going on dates on the side. To him, Yeonjun always gave Soobin the benefit of the doubt, assuming he was adult enough to figure out balance on his own but where was that courtesy with Beomgyu? 

‘Hypocritical’ is the nicest way to put it—he’s been acting like a jerk, an asshole and he’s surprised it took Beomgyu this long to break and tell him just that. 

“Goodnight, hyung,” Beomgyu gives him one last icy look before turning to leave and Yeonjun can do nothing but watch him leave, looking and feeling like a complete fool. 

──── ⊹ ✶ ⊹ ────

When Kai talked all the members into getting Nintendo Switches, Yeonjun never thought he’d use it much but over the past few days, he’s really gotten his money’s worth. 

Ever since that night, Yeonjun has taken to avoiding Beomgyu as much as he can when they’re back at the dorms which means a lot of time spent alone in his room. He barely even leaves to eat because the kitchen feels cursed, full of a memory he spends every day trying to push down one Mario Kart game at a time. 

His thumbs flick across the controller and his tongue stays poking from his lips as he focuses on dodging all that his opponents throw at him, completely in the zone until there’s a knock and Soobin pops his head through the now ajar door.

“What’s up?” Yeonjun pauses his game. 

“Do you want to go to the convenience store with me? Grab some food and beer?”

Beer sounds great right now, a bowl of ramyeon too, “Yeah, let me get dressed—I’ll be right out.”

Soobin nods, slipping back out as Yeonjun powers off his Switch. 

After throwing on some pants and a hoodie, he follows Soobin out of their apartment. Yeonjun is glad for the comfortable silence on the walk to the 7/11 near their dorm. He doesn’t really have anything to say and thankfully, Soobin is always good at reading when he needs some space—there’s a reason they picked him as their leader after all. 

The quiet stretches and the closer they get, the more his stomach twists with hunger, even growling at one point. Yeonjun didn’t realize how hungry he was before and now, after walking into the shop, he’s overwhelmed by it. Rows upon rows of various snacks and ready made meals just waiting for him to devour—he has no idea where to start. 

Soobin laughs, drawing Yeonjun’s attention away from the food, “Still just want ramyeon or should we go to that little restaurant down the street?”

As tempting as that is, Yeonjun craves something salty and unhealthy like a convenience store ramyeon over the hearty soup and pork they’d find at that restaurant. 

“Ramyeon definitely.”

Soobin nods, “I’ll go grab some beer. Can you make me one too? I don’t mind which flavor, I’ll take whatever you get.”

“‘Kay,” Yeonjun heads to the shelf of ramyeon, picking out his usual for them both and filling them with hot water as Soobin pays.

“Should we go to the park or eat here?”

“Hmm,” Soobin thinks. “Park.”

The silence from before follows them on the short walk and Yeonjun’s hands grow comfortably warm in contrast to the cold air outside. It’s late enough at night that the whole park is deserted, illuminated only by the moon and a few lampposts dotted around the various walkways. It’s nice being able to have some time to themselves in the calm of night and it's a much needed change in environment as his room was really getting stuffy.

“So…” Soobin trails off after a few bites of ramyeon and Yeonjun recognizes the tone immediately. It’s his ‘leader’ voice.

“I knew you didn’t just want to get food. You totally have an ulterior motive,” Yeonjun sighs and points his chopsticks at Soobin accusatorially before gathering another mouthful. 

“Have you talked to Beomgyu yet?”

Yeonjun freezes, his bite mid air, “Wouldn’t Beomgyu have told you if we did?”

“He doesn’t tell me everything,” Soobin tries but Yeonjun gives him a look. “Okay yes, he tells me most things, but not this.”

“Then how do you know something happened?” Yeonjun averts his eyes down to his bowl of ramyeon.

Soobin snorts loudly, causing Yeonjun to look up, “You two aren’t exactly subtle. Beomgyu won’t look at you and you won’t look at him—the tension during practice is getting unbearable. Taehyun and Kai have noticed it too.”

“You didn’t say anything before. Beomgyu ignoring me isn’t new,” Yeonjun takes a long sip of his beer. If they can tell now, there’s no way they didn’t see it before and no one raised the issue then. 

“I guess not,” Soobin agrees with a shrug. “This time it feels like you deserve it though.”

Yeonjun laughs genuinely, “And how do you know that?”

“Beomgyu doesn’t get angry and upset like this for no reason, especially not for this long.”

He can’t argue with that. Beomgyu isn’t the kind of person to hold a grudge or stay mad at someone over something minor—and this is definitely not something minor for either of them.

“We kinda fought? I was acting stupid and I think I really messed up but I don’t know exactly how.”

An understatement if there ever was one. He knows he was acting like a hypocrite and being unfair but he can also tell there's something more under the surface, something he’s missing entirely.

“What’d you fight about?” Soobin tilts his head slightly. 

“Hyunjin,” he replies, bracing himself for what he knows is going to come—Soobin confirming he was in fact being stupid.

“Hyunjin?”

“I thought they were dating so said some things I shouldn’t have and he called me out. But you’re right, I deserved it. I just said it, I wasn’t thinking and I don't even believe what I said, it’s just…I don’t know, everything is so…” Yeonjun trails off and motions his hands, unable to find the words. Lately, articulating his thoughts—specifically the ones about Beomgyu—has proven difficult and straight up impossible at times too. 

Soobin goes quiet for a moment, pushing around the noodles in his bowl as he thinks, “You know, if you just told him you were jealous and apologize, it’d be a lot simpler.”

Jealous?

“I never said I was jealous,” Yeonjun searches Soobin’s eyes for clarity, for why he would think that. 

“You didn’t, but just like all that tension between you and Beomgyu, it’s painfully obvious,” Soobin looks at him deadpan and entirely serious. “I think it’s time you admit that to yourself and to Beomgyu too.”

Is he jealous? What would it mean if he is?

Friend jealousy is easy to place, easy for just about anyone to experience, but it doesn’t exactly cover what he felt every time he thought of Beomgyu and Hyunjin together. He isn't just concerned about being replaced by Hyunjin, by Hyunjin filling the void he left in the wake of Beomgyu's sudden indifference, but that Hyunjin would take on an entirely new role, one that Yeonjun's never held.

"I can see the wheels churning..." Soobin says, staring at him as he chews a particularly large bite. 

"I don't see him like that," it feels wrong to say, an almost lie. "I'm not jealous like that."

"Listen, I know sometimes you can be pretty oblivious but everyone else can tell—you like him. How have you managed to be the last person to realize that?" 

Soobin takes a sip of his beer, emptying the can and opening another of the six they bought.

“Well, I guess Beomgyu hasn’t realized either,” Soobin drinks and pauses, head tilted in thought. “Or maybe he did and that’s why he’s so upset.”

It looks like it’s all clicking into place for him and that turns Yeonjun’s stomach.

“He doesn’t know because it isn’t true,” Yeonjun pouts, finishing his beer too and shoveling more noodles in his mouth. 

Soobin gives him another deadpan look, leaning forward, “Then who is Beomgyu to you?”

“A friend. My close friend.”

“No, I’m your close friend,” Soobin prods. “Do you feel the same way about me that you do Beomgyu?”

Yeonjun’s nose scrunches, “No.” 

Beomgyu occupies an entirely different part of his brain and comparing the two isn’t fair and feels downright wrong to even think of it. His body is overwhelmed with the need to physically shake the thought out of him. 

Soobin has the audacity to look offended at Yeonjun’s tone but he continues, “Then who is he?”

“I don’t know. Beomgyu is…”

‘Everything’, his mind supplies when his tongue comes up blank. The thought alone rattles him and he’s scared to entertain it more but he doubts he’ll be able to get out of this conversation without it. 

“You said you can see it,” Yeonjun gulps down his emotions, vulnerable eyes meeting Soobin’s. “What do you mean?”

Soobin purses his lips for a moment, “I can see that you care about him, dote on him, want him to feel happy and taken care of. I’ve seen how you look at him when you think no one’s watching and how you look at him just the same when all eyes are on you, like you're incapable of anything but looking at him fondly.”

“I know you both wear your heart on your sleeve and somehow, despite that, it’s taken you this long to even begin piecing together what’s clear for everyone else to see. You’re stubborn, sure, and definitely unaware of your own feelings at times but you’re not stupid—you just need to open your eyes because it’s all there.”

He’s right. It strikes him like a bolt of lightning, a pure shock to his system—he’s right. 

While he can’t see what Soobin sees but he knows what he means, he knows the fondness and warmth that envelopes him when Beomgyu is near. The feeling is familiar but he never thought about it, what it meant and if it was supposed to mean anything at all. But it does—it means everything, Beomgyu is everything and he’s a fool for taking this long to piece it together. 

It should’ve come to him naturally, quickly even, but Soobin is right about his obliviousness, he seems to have a Beomgyu shaped blindspot for a lot of things. 

Another realization hits him—that he took too long. 

Is Soobin right? Did Beomgyu figure it out before him and that’s why he’s so mad? He tries to think back to their conversation and what exactly Beomgyu said to him but all he can remember is how it felt, the sinking feeling in his gut when he saw the cold look in Beomgyu’s eyes. 

“What about him?” Yeonjun asks weakly.

“I think you should ask him yourself.”

“And if he doesn’t feel the same? I don’t want to ruin things,” Yeonjun’s chest is tight as he speaks, aching. “The group—I don’t want to ruin things with us either. That has to come first, right?”

“No, hyung,” Soobin shakes his head. “We don’t. It’s your life and you should stop thinking about what ifs and go live it. Besides, I don’t think that’ll be much of a problem.” 

Yeonjun’s mind is racing again but in a different way than before. He’s no longer confused by his feelings, he feels emboldened by them. They beat in his chest like a second heart and he knows what he has to do. 

He’s already wasted so much time and like Soobin said, he needs to start living and if there’s one thing he’s sure of, it’s that no one has ever made him feel more alive than Beomgyu, “I should—I will.”

“Good.”

“Soobin?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

──── ⊹ ✶ ⊹ ────

Beomgyu used to like having a room across from Yeonjun’s when it meant slipping in to watch dramas and movies while the rest of the dorm slept or getting to whisper a soft goodbye to Yeonjun through the door when he left for work before him and vice versa. Now it means hearing the creak of Yeonjun’s door when he sneaks out trying to avoid Beomgyu and that he can hear when Soobin comes to Yeonjun’s door inviting him out to eat as a poorly veiled excuse to talk. Or more specifically, to talk about what’s going on with the two of them.  

Even though he’s tried his best to stay professional during practice, he knows the others can tell something is stewing between them but so far Soobin hasn’t brought the issue up yet and for that, he’s thankful. It’s not something he wants to talk about, mostly because he’s still processing it all. 

Since snapping at him a week ago, Yeonjun has been doing all he can to avoid him whenever possible, much like how Beomgyu ignored and avoided Yeonjun when he thought it was the only way to get over him. Getting a taste of your own medicine is never fun and this tastes particularly bitter. 

He didn’t mean to hurt Yeonjun with his distance, it was just the quickest, most efficient way he could think of getting over him. At first, everything he did was to minimize potential damage and fallout his feelings could cause but it went sideways and now he’s full of a lot of things, regret most of all. 

It’s complicated though, because as much as he regrets, he still feels upset with Yeonjun for the way he was acting and how it took Beomgyu moving on for him to express his feelings towards him even if that emotion is something as shallow as jealousy. Beomgyu feels like he really only has himself to blame with how easily you can trace back all their issues to him and his actions. 

He was the catalyst, the ruiner, and until he’s ready to face that himself, he can’t properly face Yeonjun either. 

Beomgyu groans into his pillow and flips around, staring at his ceiling fan again. Spinning and spinning, the blades twirl and it's a comforting sight but he still feels directionless, head clouded with frustration.

A drama or maybe just some sleep feels in order to decompress and further procrastinate dealing with it all, but before he can turn on his laptop, there’s a knock at his door, jolting him out of his thoughts and stopping him outright.

He already has an idea of who’s waiting on the other side—Soobin, surely coming to have ‘the talk’ with him next and complete his leadership duties of the day. Beomgyu wonders how it went with Yeonjun, it must’ve been at least okay if he’s coming to see him so soon after. 

For a moment, Beomgyu debates ignoring it, pretending he’s asleep and pushing off the conversation for just a bit more but Soobin knocks again and Beomgyu sighs dramatically.

His feet are heavy, thudding against the floor as he gets out of bed. He’s dreading seeing Soobin’s calm, open face on the other side but somehow the person he finds instead sinks his stomach more.

“Yeonjun?” Beomgyu’s voice is quiet, nothing more than a surprised squeak. 

“Hey,” he smiles weakly, a hand coming up in a stilted wave. 

“What are you…?” Beomgyu opens the door a bit more, peering behind him to see if Soobin is hiding behind Yeojun, getting ready to literally mediate the issue between them but he’s alone.

“We need to—” Yeonjun squeezes his eyes shut briefly. “Can we talk? If you want to, I mean.”

He doesn’t want to but Yeonjun seems to have been right at the start—they need to, “Come in?”

Yeonjun nods and sits down at the edge of his bed awkwardly, the mattress dipping further when Beomgyu sinks down next to him. 

Is he here to apologize? To demand an apology instead? Beomgyu doesn’t know which is worse or which he prefers. Truth be told he’s not ready for either.

“So…” Beomgyu draws out when Yeonjun doesn’t take the lead, staying quiet and fidgeting with his hands.

Yeonjun exhales, “I wanted to talk to you.”

“So you’ve said,” Beomgyu laughs lightly, very aware of the warmth from where their thighs are now touching.

Being this close to Yeonjun after all this time is strange and much like the other night when Yeonjun was drinking, he can feel how his ‘Yeonjun tolerance’ has weakened. He wants to both lean towards him further and push him away to maintain that distance he’s become so used to. 

“I…don’t really know where to start.” Yeonjun’s posture exudes anxiety and nerves. “The whole walk back I tried to think about what I’d say and how to say it but my brain is mush and the only thing that keeps playing over and over is that I don’t think I’ve ever deserved you.”

“What?” Beomgyu’s eyebrows furrow—definitely not what he expected him to say.

Yeonjun sighs, his hands clasping and unclasping in his lap, “Just, let me get this out before you say anything, okay?”

Beomgyu nods slowly, confused as to where he could be going with this.

“You’re attentive and thoughtful, caring—and just about a million other things I could never be and I think that’s why it took so long for me to come around, to realize it."

"Realize what?" Beomgyu can feel himself getting hopeful again, but this time there's a cause for it. 

"That I was jealous—stupidly jealous—and worried that Hyunjin might be the kind of person that does actually deserve you," Yeonjun's eyes flicker between his hands and Beomgyu's face. "I let it consume me and I'm sorry for how I acted because of it. But I can't apologize for the jealousy itself, not when it's the only honest thing I've done in the past few weeks."

Yeonjun shifts his body to face Beomgyu properly, "I was jealous because I like you and I don't want to lie to myself about that or hide it from you anymore."

"Hyung..."

"I know it's sudden—it's sudden for me too, but I had to tell you. I can't keep going like this with us barely talking and you, always five steps out of reach, and I can tell you feel the same way," Yeonjun's eyes widen. "I mean feeling the same about the distance not—I'm not trying to make this weird I swear."

"Hyung," Beomgyu reaches out, grabbing Yeonjun's hands on his own and squeezing. "You're not making anything weird."

"I'm not?" Yeonjun looks hopeful too.

"No," he shakes his head. "I pulled away because I was worried about making things weird." Seven years in the making, the words have been on the tip of his tongue the whole time but now he can finally say it, "I like you and I have for a long time—years if we're being honest."

Yeonjun tightens his grip, "Really?"

"Really." 

Brown eyes meet his, Yeonjun's gaze dripping with affection. It's not the first time he's looked at Beomgyu like this but it is the first time Beomgyu knows the truth behind the emotion in his eyes—the mutual feeling of attraction and warmth.

"Years, huh? What a pair we make." Yeonjun laughs, his face inching closer to Beomgyu's. He’s waited a long time to hear that, to hear Yeonjun return the affection he holds for him and somehow it sounds even sweeter than he thought it would.

"'A pair'...I like the sound of that," Beomgyu leans in too. 

"Mhm, 'couple' might sound better, though."

"It does," Beomgyu nods and closes the gap between them, lips meeting lips and Beomgyu finally feels whole.

──── ⊹ ✶ ⊹ ────

They've barely stopped kissing since—there's a lot of lost time to make up for and Yeonjun takes full responsibility for that. 

He spent a lot of time denying all that he felt so no one could see it and tell him that his feelings were wrong, that Beomgyu is too good for him to want like that. Now he knows love isn't about deserving and Beomgyu would kill him for thinking like that but the thought does remain, echoing in his skull especially in moments like this with Beomgyu beneath him, looking far too perfect for his hands to touch. 

Those hands run down Beomgyu's side as his lips devour Beomgyu's, "I still can't believe I get to do this."

Beomgyu laughs, "You would've been able to do it a lot sooner if you weren't so stupid."

"Hey," Yeonjun pushes his shoulders, putting Beomgyu squarely on his back. "You were pretty stupid too."

"I was...but not as bad as you," he replies with a smile and eyes full of mirth.

Seeing Beomgyu happy like this, because of him, makes all his stupidity worth it, "No, not as bad as me,” Yeonjun agrees. 

Their lips reconnect and he can't help but sigh into Beomgyu's waiting mouth. He loves this, he might even love him, but he has time to figure that out. Since they got together, it feels like time has stopped and now they’re in a little pocket of forever where everything is perfect and right. Even the stress of the comeback—which is only days away now—is long forgotten in Beomgyu’s embrace.

He wasted a lot of time to get here, to finally be with him, and he’s not going to waste any more. With Beomgyu, Yeonjun feels infinite and he won’t keep him waiting for what they can have now.