Chapter Text
Jesse supposed that it was silly that he thought he could get away from it all. It was probably downright naïve of him to think that he could start all over again just because he managed to—what? Soul searched as he made his way to Alaska. It doesn’t really work that way. He should have known.
In Alaska, with a fake identity, few cash on hand, and not much skill, Jesse found himself going back to the life of crime. It wasn’t as big as cooking meth inside a super lab, nor was it as sickening as killing someone. But, it was a crime still—something that he honestly thought that he was finally over and done with.
He was disappointed in himself. He lasted but two years keeping a crime-free living. There was no number of double shifts at the gas station that would help him earn enough money from month to month. He was barely keeping food on his table, and the landlord won’t be happy to hear that his rent will be late again. So, he turned to stealing.
Jesse tried to make himself believe that stealing was better than selling or cooking meth. It was a more straightforward kind of crime. Since it was, it was also easier for him to get caught. The moment that he was, Jesse knew that it was only a matter of time before the police found out his real identity. He knew where he would land. It was almost funny how he tried his best not to be caught cooking meth, only to be caught due to robbery. Jesse supposed life had a weird sense of humor.
He knew that he deserved to be put in jail, but…he just…doesn’t want to. Was that him being selfish? Probably.
With that thought, he incited a shootout in a simple grocery robbery. He almost found it funny how desperate he was to die the same way Mr. White was when he last saw the man. He laughed as a bullet pierced his body, through and through.
He couldn’t help but think about all the things that went wrong with his life the moment he partnered up with Mr. White. He thought about all the wrong decisions he had made before he even partnered up with the man. He thought about how—how he wanted to spite his parents for not caring enough and how he let himself be tangled up so much with Mr. White just because the man said the right thing at the right time. He thought about how he had finally taken charge of his life and how it still ended up on a path he didn’t want to take.
Jesse knew that he was the bad guy. He doesn’t know why he even tried to be anything else. Perhaps he wouldn’t be where he was now if he thought about getting good at being the bad guy.
There was no point in thinking about it, but people might have been right about watching your life play out before you bite the dust. As his eyes started to close, Jesse swore he felt his surroundings had changed. From the harsh bright light of a grocery store to the warmly lit room of his childhood.
He didn’t pay it any mind. All Jesse could think about as he lay bleeding on the floor was how glad he was that this was the end for him. Mr. White once told him that they were both heading to hell, and he wondered for a moment if Mr. White would be the devil that would greet him, or if it would be Todd.
Jesse blinked awake. Eggshell white ceiling greeted him, and all around him were pastel colored walls. He blinked once more, wetted his lips, too. His surroundings didn’t change.
Slowly, he sat up. There was a bed sheet on the top half of his body. He ran a hand on it, deliberate in his movement. It felt real under his skin. He closed his hand, letting the pads of his fingers feel his palm. He was warm to the touch and he wasn’t as calloused as he remembered.
A knock on the door got him turning. His Mom was staring at him with a half-relieved and half-exasperated expression. “Thank goodness you’re awake. You are going to be late for school, get up.”
“Uh—what?” The last conversation he had with his parents was over the phone. He was resigned to the fact that he won’t never see them again. For a moment, Jesse wondered if this was a fever dream.
“School, Jesse.” His Mom sighed. “The first day of your last year in high school?”
He shook his head from side to side, trying to focus. “Yeah. Sorry. I—I had a strange dream.” His Mom gave him her signature stare when she thought that he was using. Thinking back, junior year was when Jesse started using weed. It was in the middle of senior year when he started using meth. He wondered if that was the reason why he was dreaming about this time.
“Well, there’s breakfast already.” Looking at his Mom, Jesse can now honestly say that she tried her hardest with him.
“Yeah. Thanks.” He swallowed thickly. His Mom stared at him for a moment longer, then she nodded and walked away. She closed the door behind her.
Jesse got up from his bed, knees a touch wobbly due to his encounter with his Mom. He headed for the bathroom, shocked to see a face free of scars. And, so painfully young.
Was this still the moment between life and death, or some sort of—of hell wherein he will watch all his mistakes play out all over again? Jesse thought that he would go insane if he watched himself go through all his regrets all over again. Even with those in mind, he knew that he was going to have to go through his day. After all, he doesn’t know what would have happened if he had done anything differently.
But, what if…what if this is some sort of second chance? For him to do better. Will he really just go about his way the way he did, or will he do things differently? Will he try to be the good guy, or will he embrace all the bad parts of himself? This was all before all the major mistakes in his life.
There was another knock on his door; this time it was his Dad calling to him. Jesse gave a short reply and started getting dressed. He was thinking over things as he did, and one particular information stood out in his mind—Aunt Ginny was still alive. That made him pause as he put on his shoes; it also made his chest tighten.
He walked out the door of his room and headed towards the kitchen. His Mom and Dad stared at him strangely, Jesse couldn’t help but look down at himself. He hid his grimace well enough. He wasn’t wearing the baggy clothes that he usually wore. He sat down at the breakfast table and ate. He thought about a way to ask if he could visit Aunt Ginny.
His Mom cleared his throat. “Are you excited for your last year?”
“Uhm. Yeah, sure.” Jesse remembered that he would have chemistry with Mr. White, and he was just realizing and wondering if he could stand being inside the same room as the man.
“Have you—have you thought about college?” The way his Mom asked it—so tentatively.
Jesse thought about the question for a moment. He remembered how teachers saw him in high school; he was the trouble kid who could have done something if he had made an effort. That was definitely heavily implied when he was still Mr. White’s student. Some kinder teachers tried to show him that if he kept his grades up, he could have gotten into a decent college. He won’t be getting into Yale or NYU, but he had a better shot than most students.
He thought back to the time when he was driving the El Camino, how free he felt and how badly he wanted to make choices for his life. He thought back to the idea of starting fresh and how he thought he would find it in Alaska. He asked himself, what if…what if this is it?
He wasn’t a junkie yet. He still has time to pick up his grade. He still has his parents’ support—no matter how much his father thought it would all go to waste.
“I—I need to get my grades up first.” From the expression on his Dad’s face, Jesse can tell that the man didn’t expect that answer from him. “Once I—once I get my grades up, I’ll know if I can at least attend community college.”
There was a pregnant pause before his Dad spoke up. “What course are you thinking?”
“I don’t—I’m not sure yet, but maybe business? That can be used anywhere, right? Like, office or owning one.”
“That’s…that’s a sound plan.” Jesse thought that maybe his Dad was rooting for him, too.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Do you guys mind if I head to Aunt Ginny’s after class?”
His Mom smiled at him, wide and hopeful. “Sure, just remember your curfew.”
“Yeah. Thanks.” He placed his plate on the sink and hurried out. It was a bit surreal to see his first car.
Going back to school, Jesse took the time to take it all in. He sure as hell doesn’t know what’s happening, but he was also sure that everything around him was real. Even as high as a skunk he didn’t have a dream as real as this one. Besides, he was never one to hallucinate when he’s drugged to the gills. Another point was that he got clean years ago.
Badger was the one who greeted him at the school entrance. Skinny Pete was there, too. Jesse never thought that he would see them again. He honestly couldn’t have asked for a more loyal friend than the two of them.
Seeing Combo alive again made Jesse breathe lighter. He never got over the death of his friend. In the same way, he never got over the death of Jane and Andrea. He swore to himself that, whatever or wherever he was, he wouldn’t get people he cared for killed because of his mistakes.
It took Jesse half the morning before he finally managed to stop feeling out of place inside the school. Not to say that he felt like he belonged in school even back then. He always felt suffocated by the expectations people have for him. But, then again, he hated being looked down upon, too. He couldn’t believe, at times, just how…contradictory he can be with himself.
He hates any authority figures, but if there were one, he would do everything to gain their approval. He winced at the memory of all the things he did for Mr. White. It took him a good while to shake that off, and he was not going back to the way he was. No, thank you.
In between classes, Jesse thought about how he was going to live his life this time around. He was still a bit confused about things, but—whatever this was, he wasn’t going to take it for granted. Real or not, he was going to make the best of it.
After school, he drove to his Aunt’s place. The joy that Jesse felt upon seeing Aunt Ginny again overwhelmed him. He hugged her, and he knew that confused her, but Aunt Ginny wasn’t going to turn away some affection from him. She hugged him back and made a little joke about how long it had been since he did it.
“I was stupid.” He confessed to her. “You know, for trying to act all cool and all.” He scratched his nape at that.
Thinking back, Jesse remembered how most of his decisions revolved around wanting to look cool for strangers—he was sure that his friends wouldn’t say anything if he was affectionate to Aunt Ginny. He could blame it on the peer pressure but that wasn’t completely true. He could have made decisions for himself and not his perceived reputation. God, it took him losing everyone before he started to wise up. There was no point in crying over spoiled milk, he thought to himself.
Aunt Ginny stared at him for a moment, and a smile blossomed on her lips. “It wasn’t stupid at all, sweetie.” She patted him on the head. “It’s normal to want to fit in with your friends. I knew that you’d find your way around sooner or later.”
Jesse had almost forgotten the kind of faith that his Aunt had given him. It was one of the reasons why her death left him so bereft. That thought had Jesse pausing midway to cut up the ham for their sandwich. He caught himself before it became obvious to his Aunt that he was momentarily distracted by the thought of the future.
He didn’t lie to Mr. White when he said that Aunt Ginny didn’t even get to the point of remission, wherein she could get the tumor surgically removed. He recalled his Aunt having to go to the cheaper chemo clinics and having to talk to specialists who weren’t at the top of their field. While an asshole like Mr. White had the best of the best—
Jesse’s bitter thoughts came to a halt there.
Mr. White started with good intentions with making meth, but it soon spiraled out of control. The old man got greedy—a bit power hungry. He lost sight of why he was truly doing things that he did. Mr. White changed from a boring yet well-meaning man to someone prideful and cruel. Perhaps those qualities had always been inside Mr. White, and the taste of crime made him lose all sense of control. The man didn’t know when to stop.
If Jesse seriously considered the idea that ran around his head, he needed to ask himself if going back to cooking would be worth it. He turned and saw his Aunt stacking the sandwich for their snack; she had such a carefree glow to her. Why wouldn’t it be worth it?
Jesse was aware that it was also a selfish decision on his part. He had so little time to show his Aunt how much he appreciated her. And, he wanted her in his life longer than the previous one. He needed someone in his life who would truly care for him so that he wouldn’t spiral the same way as he did before.
Aunt Ginny was certainly the kind of woman who deserves to live a long and healthy life. He already knew that it won’t be as long or as healthy as he would like it to be, but it could be better than the one she had before. He could cook to give her better treatment than she had before.
Aunt Ginny coughed loudly from where she was sitting. Her face was blotchy red by the time she had stopped. She tried to smile up at him.
“I think you should have that checked.” He casually told her. “Your cough ‘s getting worse.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“Yeah, maybe.” He sat across from her, taking a bite of his own sandwich. He cannot believe how good a liar he was now. “But, what if it’s something, like, that takes some special kind of medicine to cure? Better safe than sorry, I say.”
“Let’s have a deal.” She pointedly said. “I will go to the doctor next weekend, and you will help me with house chores this weekend.”
“Should we shake on it?” He playfully asked, getting a laugh from Aunt Ginny.
Mentally, Jesse was already thinking of a plan.
The following day, Jesse went to school with his mind already half occupied. He was distracted for the first half of the day. Though he noticed that he understood more of what the teachers were teaching now than he did before. He thought that was strange, but then again, he made extra effort not to listen back then.
Jesse doesn’t exactly have the money to start with what he had in mind, so he would probably turn to stealing. He had the advantage of knowing where he could steal the lab equipment and some of the chemicals. There were just a few things that he needed to think long and hard about.
He was going to need help in stealing what he needed and a place where he could cook. He could try and steal money so that he can buy an RV, but he’s still eighteen—physically at least. It was suspect for him to buy one. Besides that, he would need to find a place where he can park it.
“What’s up, man?” Badger asked as he sat next to Jesse. Combo and Skinny Pete continued munching on their lunch. “You’ve been quiet.”
If Jesse was going to be honest, he didn’t want to involve his friends with his cooking the second time around. But, he was sure that they were the only people that he knew wouldn’t rat on him. He also had to keep in mind that whether or not he got them involved, they would use and get addicted. Maybe…maybe he can help them see beyond their next hit. They are not addicted yet, after all.
He cleared his throat. “Yo, you guys heard of the newer drug that’s going around?” He pitched his voice low.
“You mean meth?” Badger’s smiling as he asked.
“Yeah, that.” Combo and Pete are now starting to get interested in the conversation.
Badger laughed lightly. He turned left and right, lowered his head and whispered. “I know someone who sells, if you want to try. We can, like, pull money together and split it four ways.”
Jesse shook his head from side to side. “I was thinking more of selling.”
Combo’s brows raised. “You want to sling meth?”
Badger nodded. “That’s cool, too. I can hook you up with someone. It doesn’t hurt to have cash.”
Jesse cleared his throat. “What if I tell you that…I can cook…meth?”
“What?” The question was garbled through Pete’s half-filled mouth.
“Look.” Jesse licked his lips as he drew closer to his friends. “I am going to sound insane—but…think about this; I can cook and the four of us can sling it. Whatever we earn, we split it four ways.”
“Shouldn’t you have the bigger cut?” Combo voiced out. “I mean, if you’re the one who would cook.”
“I would still need help getting the lab equipment and the chemicals. Plus, a place where I can cook and help while I am cooking.” Jesse stared at them.
Badger, Combo, and Pete shared a look. From their expressions, Jesse can tell they are wondering why he was even considering cooking meth. It was Pete who voiced the question. “Why d’you need the money for?”
“You remember my Aunt Ginny?”
“Yeah, dude,” Badger answered with a nod. “She’s, like, cool with us.”
“She’s been coughing—and I’m not talking about some simple cough.” Jesse started. “I talked her into getting it checked. I have a bad feeling about it. I want to be ready in case it’s something serious, you know. Get her the best, like, medical care.”
His friends were quiet for a while before they all nodded at him. “I’m down with helping Aunt Ginny.” Badger patted him on the shoulder. “She’s, like, one of the sweeter older ladies, you know. She deserves to get the best doctors.”
“Like, we know you don’t care much about your folks.” Pete nudged him. “But, it’s different with your aunt. So, count me in, too.”
Combo jokingly added. “But, it also doesn’t hurt that we’re getting stacks. How much are we talking about here?”
“If we do it safely, half a million.” He saw their shocked expressions. “If we do it right, more than a million.”
“What? Are you sure?” Combo caught himself before his voice had gotten louder than it should.
“Dude, that’s crazy,” Badger whispered.
“Don’t get excited yet.” Jesse chided them lightly. “We’re just talking here—haven’t started yet.”
“What else is there to talk about?” Pete asked. “Let’s do this. Shit, man.”
“Guys, I appreciate that you want to help. But, I gotta set things straight first.” He made sure to sound as serious as he could. “This isn’t some—some game, yeah? Slinging this would be dangerous. If we get caught by the police, we’d go to prison. If we get caught by other dealers, we’d be lucky if they simply rough us up. We can’t go in this thinking that we can get high and sling, too, no. We gotta treat this, like, serious business. We don’t use what we sell and we don’t get greedy, you get me?”
“Why can’t we use?” Badger was the first to ask a question, and he asked on that Jesse already knew he would.
“It’s protection for when we get caught,” Jesse explained to him. “We can act, like, all confused and say someone just told us to give it to someone, and we’d be handed an easy twenty. Police wouldn’t think we’re the dealers, and other dealers would probably let us go scot free. They’d think we’re just some kids who got with the wrong crowd.”
“Shit, Jesse, that’s smart,” Pete commented.
“Okay, but what about that greedy rule?” Combo’s tone was just as confused as Badger’s.
“We’re four high schoolers.” Jesse pointed out. “There are cartels out there. They would have muscle and guns, and they won’t be afraid to use them. The moment we start to get the feeling that they are about to sniff us, we stop. We don’t get greedy or else we might die.”
Silence reigned over their table.
“You guys have to really think this over. We’re going to operate under some rules if we do this. No using, no getting greedy, and safety above money—which means covering our asses.”
Combo was the first one to speak up this time. “I’m down with that.”
“A million split four ways or using?” Badger’s tone was incredulous. “Obviously, the million. And, helping Aunt Ginny, of course.”
“How much is a million split four ways, anyway?” Pete asked.
“Two hundred fifty thousand,” Jesse answered easily enough.
He made rough calculations last night. He knew that wouldn’t be enough for his Aunt, but he already had something—or someone in mind that could help him. The moment he has thirty thousand, he will ask Saul for his service and get the lawyer to contact Mike—then, Gus. He knew that the man couldn't care less about the methods his men use, but he was always willing to negotiate. Jesse thought that if he presented himself in a better light this time around, Gus would be more willing to listen to him.
“Shit, man. I’m in.” Pete held up his fist, and the four of them bumped their knuckles together.