Chapter Text
Jake was a pretty laid back guy. He was never the type to start an argument, or get angry. Never the one to yell or call someone out. Never the one to snap back when someone disrespected him, choosing to take the high road instead. Always the high road.
In short, he hated confrontation. Despised it even. Whenever a friend did something that made him slightly uncomfortable he tended to just let it slide off him. He didn't bother bringing it up beacuse he knew there was no ill intentions behind it.
Which is why he hasn't said anything to Heeseung, his boyfriend.
Recently Jake's been feeling like the other third year's been... distant. More than usual at least. Like his attention was somewhere else when they were together. Somewhere that Jake didn't even want to guess at. Because he was afraid that all his fears would be confirmed.
Everyone always said that he and Heeseung were there perfect couple – the schools it-couple. That's what people called them. And they were justified to assume so. When other people were around, Heeseung acted like the most devoted boyfriend. Always had an arm around him, always showed up to his games during soccer season, and always drove him home from practice. But behind all that, behind the rose colored glasses, when no one else was around and it was Jake and Heeseung without an audience, they were far from perfect...
"So... where'd you go yesterday?" Heeseung leaned against the wall beside Jake as he was grabbing his chemistry book from his locker. To anyone else the question was casual, nothing to concern yourself about. But to Jake it felt like a trap. "What do you mean?" Jake asked. He caught the others gaze for a split second, but immediately he looked away. The look in Heeseung’s eyes, it was familiar. It was that look he reserved for when he was simmering with rage underneath his skin, but couldn't show it outwardly. Because God forbid anyone other than Jake know how the golden boy, captain of the basketball team find out just how unfriendly he could be.
"You know what I mean," he gave a dry chuckle, but Jake knew he found it far from funny. "Where were you?" He asked again, an undercurrent of foreboding darkness lacing his words.
"I went out with a friend," Jake answered, trying to sound unaffected. He likes to think he's gotten pretty good at keeping the trembling out of his voice by now.
Heeseung hummed. For a second Jake thought he accepted the answer and moved on. But no. Instead he asked the question he was dreading. "Was it Jay?"
Jay was his best friend since their first year of high school. Jake had just moved from Australia, still getting used to the language and not knowing anyone around his age in the country. He met Jay in biology. He had a foreign name just like him and they bonded over being English speakers and foreigners. Jay was the one who introduced him to Heeseung. Back then he wasn't as bad. He was kind, a little standoffish, but respectful and undeniably handsome. Jake had fallen for him instantly and they started dating in their second year. At first he was the perfect boyfriend. They spent all their time together, Heeseung complimented him constantly and told him he loved him early on in their relationship. But just as fast as he had, he'd withdrawn. For a year up until now, Heeseung would shower him with love then act cold right after.
Then came the constant accusations.
"You know we're just friends, Hee," Jake tried to reason. As much as he loved Jay, he only ever saw him as a friend, a brother even. And it went both ways. But that didn’t stop Heeseung from accusing him of cheating with him.
Heeseung looked down at him, jaw tense. Then he turned and walked away without a word. Jake knew what that meant. A sense of dread slipped up his spine and stiffened his shoulders. Gently, he closed his locker, then followed after his boyfriend.
They entered an empty classroom at the end of a deserted hall. Heeseung let him walk in first, only so he could close the door behind them. Then he drew the curtain over the windows looking out into the hall, closing them off from the outside world. Then he made his way over to Jake, standing close enough that the toes of their dress shoes were almost touching. Jake's eyes were trained on it. He couldn't meet Heeseung’s eyes, and that probably fueled the illusion that he was guilty in the others eyes.
Heeseung’s fingers touched the underside of his chin, then pushed up so that he got a clear view of Jake's face. Jake closed his eyes, afraid of what he would say or do next. "Look at me," Heeseung whispered. It wasn't angry, though he knew the other must be. Instead it was gentle. Jake opened his eyes.
"You know I love you." It wasn't a question, more of a statement. Like a rule that Jake shouldn't question. And he didn't. He knew Heeseung loved him, because he told him all the time. Whether that be by actually saying the words, or at midnight with the taller between his legs in the back of his silver Genesis at some parking lot.
Jake nodded. "Good," Heeseung said, "then you know you shouldn't let other people touch you like I do." Jake wanted to argue, he'd never let anyone do to him what they did together. But he bit his tongue. He knew that whatever he said would only make it worse.
Heeseung’s fingers curled around his jaw and gripped him, not enough to hurt but tight enough to tell him what was about to happen. The taller leaned in and captured his lips in a biting kiss. Heeseung kissed like a predator devouring it's prey. It was vicious and held little concern for the person on the receiving end.
"Say it, say you love me," he demanded when he finally pulled off his lips. Jake gulped in air, gripping onto the sleeves of the others blazer to keep him steady. "I l-love y-you," he stuttered out.
"Again." Heeseung’s hand went to rest around Jake's neck and immediate alarm bells rung in his head. He didn't squeeze, but the suggestion of it alone frightened him. Jake's hands flew to grab his wrist. "Please don't," he begged.
"Say it again, and I won't. Properly this time."
"I love you," Jake said. It sounded more fearful than romantic. But thankfully, his hand retreated.
"See? That wasn't so hard." Then Heeseung started to rut against him, and Jake panicked again. "W-wait here?! We're at school!" He tried to stop him, to push him off. They were both athletes, Jake maybe could have gotten him off with enough effort. But he still felt shaky and his limbs were turning weak with each sway of Heeseung's hips against his.
"I thought you said you loved me," he grunted, "or do you love Jay now? He doesn't play a sport like me, he can't fuck you as good as I do." None of Heeseung's words were making sense to him anymore. He was losing himself. Suddenly he felt numb, disconnected from what was happening. It was like watching someone who looked exactly like him from across the room.
And when he came back to himself his clothes were in a sore state, hair mussed, and knees weak. Heeseung was gone, it was just him in the empty classroom.
His legs finally gave out and he fell to the ground, having enough sense to catch himself on his hands. Tears slipped past his waterline, abundant and salty as they filled his vision and flowed down his cheeks.
He doesn't remember how long he stayed there for, or how long he cried. Can't recall how he cleaned himself up in the bathroom and went to class like nothing happened. But he distinctly remembered the ugly feeling in his chest that settled and didn't leave.
˙⋆✮
He felt itchy. A sensation that crawled across his whole body and wouldn't let up. He felt dirty. But no amount of scrubbing off his skin in the shower would get rid of the residue left behind. He was disgusted with himself for not being able to stand his ground against his own boyfriend. How had he let that happen? Of course he wasn't confrontational and didn't speak up that often, but he though that he could at least stand his ground when it really mattered. Apparently he didn't know himself as well as he thought.
"You got poison ivy or somthing?" Jay asked him. They were walking back after lunch. It was one of those rare days – that were becoming less rare – where Heeseung had something he needed to do during their lunch period and couldn't walk him to his class. (They were in different classrooms.) It was the only time Jake could hang out with Jay in school outside of class.
The question pulled him out of his thoughts. "What?" He questioned, a little disoriented. Like he just realized where he was.
"Your arm, you keep itching it," he said, pointing to the growing redness of his wrist. Jake hadn't even noticed it.
"Oh," he said, pulling down his sleeve with barely concealed haste, "it's nothing."
Jay didn't look convinced at all. He crossed his arms and settled Jake with an unimpressed look. "Alright, you've been off all day. What's up with you dude?"
Usually Jay's insistent nature wouldn't bother Jake all too much. He knew the other meant well, even if the whole school pinned him as their resident bad boy. But for some reason indignation rose in his chest at being questioned this time. He felt angry, and he didn't know why. "I said it was nothing, so drop it," he snapped. Some of the students around them looked their way at his outburst and he immediately regretted lashing out at Jay when he was only trying to be a good friend to him. "Sorry," he muttered, sheepishly turning his head to the ground and letting his too long hair curtain his eyes.
"It's all good," Jay reassured him. "You know I'm always here if you want to talk." He gave him a firm pat on the shoulder then entered their classroom, Jake followed behind him. When he got to his seat Park Sunghoon was already sitting at the desk in front of his. Sunghoon was in a relationship now, with that second year drama president. He wondered if their relationship was similar to his and Heeseung’s, was it just them who were the one's pretending? Did everyone feel frightened of their significant other from time to time? Jake wouldn't know what other relationships should be like, he's only ever dated Heeseung. But he had a sneaking suspicion that Sunghoon and Sunoo were not like him and Heeseung.
His thoughts were interrupted once again by someone coming up to them. "Hey, you two going to Heuning Kai's party?" It was Nicholas, one of the dance club members. He was closer with Jay, but they were all really good friends.
"You know it," Jay said, "I've got a hot date too."
"Nice, dude." Nicholas daps him up. "What about you Jake? You and Heeseung going?"
He didn't even need to ask, everyone knows that Heeseung would never miss a party. And wherever he went Jake wouldn't be too far. Another reason why everyone thought they were the strongest couple around. "Uh, yeah. We'll be there," he answered.
The rest of the week went by like a blur. If someone were to ask Jake what happened the past few days he wouldn't be able to answer. He barely remembers, just going through the motions. Before he knew it he was in someone else's house, music bumping loud enough to block out the static in his brain and the stench of alcohol curling his face in disgust. The first emotion he could really put a name to these past few days.
They were in the backyard. The stars were out and the only sources of light were the fluorescents filtering out from the sliding door leading to the living room, and the pool lights. Jake idly swung his legs, sitting at the edge of the pool while Heeseung sat next to him boasting to some first year's about the basketball teams most recent win while swinging around a beer bottle. Drinking even though he was supposed to be the designated driver. The water rippled around Jake's calves, cool liquid soothing the muscles there. The patterns created by his own movement was mesmerizing to watch. Every swing of his leg or twitch of his foot made the glowing water dance. A concept so uncomplicated yet so beautiful. He longed for a life that reflected this pool, where he felt in control of the happenings around him.
He doesn't know how long he sat there, but he must have been completely out of it because he hadn't noticed when Heeseung stood up – legs pulling out of the pool and disturbing it's peace. Only breaking out of it when Heeseung’s hand rested at the top of his head. Jake looked up at him, blinking out of his trance. "Let's go inside, babe," he said, nodding his again in the direction of the sliding door.
"Okay," Jake murmured, then stood up as well and followed him in.
There were a few people inside, a couple familiar faces and one comforting face. "Oh hey," Jay greeted him when the door slid open. Jake instantly felt better seeing his best friend, so he made his way over to the sofas to sit with the group sitting there. "What's up," he said, dapping him up.
"Hey," Heeseung greeted behind him, not addressed to any individual in particular. It probably wouldn't be obvious to anyone else, but Jake felt the underlying icy tone in his voice with that one word. It was always like that whenever him and Jay were in the same room. Of course it hadn't always been like that, they used to be friends after all. Jake's not sure what happened between them, but he does know he only started noticing it after he and Heeseung started dating. And he knew he wasn't imagining it, because as soon as the other sat down next to him he practically pulled him into his lap. A sense of dread bloomed deep in his chest.
"We should play a game," someone suggested. Nishimura Riki, he thinks that's his name. Jake remembers Nicholas talking about a first year named Riki with crazy dance skills, said he might take over dance captain once he and Yeonjun graduated. Jake had called bullshit at the time, but one practice video of the kid shut him up real quick. Either way Jake jumped at the opportunity to distract himself from the chest pressing against his shoulder blade. "Never have I ever!" He encouraged. If there was one thing Jake was good at it was putting on a cheery face. That puppy-like attitude that people praised him for, he could turn it on like a switch when he needed to. And right now, he needed it. For himself more than for the others.
They play a few turns, and for several minutes Jake's convinced himself that everything was fine. He genuinely laughs with the others when they joke around. When Riki reacts to finding out his two best friends have, in fact, kissed before, his disbelieving and betrayed reaction had Jake throwing his head forward in a full bodied laugh. He hasn't felt this light in a while.
But then it's Heeseung’s turn to throw a wrench into the pile. "Never have I ever... slept with someone I knew was taken."
"What the hell was that about?" is what Jake wanted to ask. He didn't, but the way his stomach turned had him shifting uncomfortably in Heeseung’s hold. It wasn't even the way that he said it, (although to Jake's ears his tone seemed to hold some kind of hidden meaning behind it) but the fact he had said it at all. Maybe Jake was thinking too hard, no one else spoke up to say how weird it was. Maybe it didn't mean anything at all and he's just on edge because Heeseung’s fingers were digging into his side. A reminder of his ever looming presence. At least that's what he thought until he saw Sunoo – the drama clubs president – standing up abruptly.
The younger guy looked increasingly uncomfortable, which was weird considering just seconds ago he'd been joking around with the rest of the group. Sunghoon whispers something to him and Sunoo nodded, then the older from the pair announced their early departure. "I think we're going to head out now," he said.
There was something that Jake was missing. Something that everyone else was aware of except for him. And he desperately wanted answers. Why had Heeseung brought up cheating? Was he accusing Jake again but in a subtle, more calculated way? Or was it directed at someone else? And why had Sunoo started acting that way? God, he felt like he was going crazy.
"Aww, but I wanted to stay a little longer," Riki complained, the sound dragging Jake back to the present.
"We can take him home, right Jay hyung?" Said Jungwon. Jay had driven here with the student body president, and Jake could see in his friends eyes that he fully intended to spend the night with Jungwon, alone. Heeseung must have caught on as well. He laughed, "don't worry, we'll take him home." Jake hummed his agreement, mostly because he never voiced his disagreement when it came to his boyfriend. But also beacause having someone who was an outsider to their relationship created a safety net for him. He wouldn't have to be alone with a him, at least for tonight.
For the rest of the party, Riki stuck with them. Much to the annoyance of Heeseung. But Jake had gratefully took him under his wing, showing him how to play the standard drinking games.
"That’s right, you got this!" Jake encouraged the younger as he played against Heeseung in a game of flip cup. Riki drained the last plastic cup of beer on his side then placed it back down on the dining table, edge of it hanging off. Carefully he lowered himself, placing his fingers under the edge. Jake watched on baited breath as Riki prepared to flip it, Heeseung close behind roughly gulping down his last cup. Then Riki made his move. The cup flew and landed perfectly on its rim.
"Let's go!" Jake cheered, jumping up and down and tackling the younger in a hug. "I did it! Did you see that?!" Asked Riki, like an excited puppy.
Jake laughed, "I did, I did."
In the midst of the two celebrating Riki's win, there was the sound of Heeseung slamming his own cup down onto the table. Riki didn't seem to think anything about it, but the loud sound made Jake startle. Quickly, he pulled himself away from Riki and made his way around the table to stand next to him. His arm slipped around Jake's waist and pulled him in closer.
"It's getting late," Heeseung said, feigning nonchalance, "we should get going."
The three of them head out, Heeseung leading the way with Jake under his arm and Riki trailing behind. When they get to the car, Heeseung tries to get behind the wheel. Jake holds onto his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. Heeseung was undoubtedly drunk. Not only had he drank all those cups of beer during the game of flip cup, but he'd been drinking throughout the night. "M-maybe I should drive tonight," Jake proposed wearily. He kept his voice softened and low, because he knew that the other third year was a ticking time bomb in this state.
Heeseung ripped his wrist out of Jake's hold. "You think I'm s'm kinda idiot?" He slurred. "I can drive j'sst fine."
As much as he didn't want to start a fight, he could not let him get behind the wheel. "Please, j-just... let me drive," he pleaded again, holding onto his upper arm with both hands. But Heeseung didn't just shake him off, no, this time he fully pushed him away, sending Jake stumbling back. Though instead of hitting the rough asphalt, he landed against a chest. Riki caught him, his arms steadying him.
"What the hell, man," the younger blurted, "you treat your boyfriend like that?!"
Jake's eyes widened with fear. Oh God, the last thing he needed was for Heeseung to be provoked. "Let's just calm down for a second." He tried for pacifying, but his voice came out more panicked than anything. Either way it wouldn't have done much, he could see in his eyes that Heeseung was already fired up.
"The hell you jus' say to me, kid?" His shoulders straightened, jaw clenched, and he was already speaking clearer from irritation. There was no way this was ending pretty. With a deep breath of gathered courage, Jake steps between them, facing the older of the two. "H-he didn't mean it, Hee!" He said, holding up his hands like that would help appease his angry boyfriend. "Right? You didn't mean it?" He turned to look at Riki over his shoulder, staring into the boys eyes with the best pleading look he could muster. And it must have come across because he nodded along.
"Uh, yeah. Didn't mean it, sorry," he fumbled out, looking between the pair as if trying to figure out what the hell was happening.
"See?" Jake appeased, and it seemed to work. Without a word, Heeseung handed the keys to him and stalked over to the passengers side. Jake let out a relieved sigh, shoulder slumping, tired from carying the tension of the moment. Then he remembered there was someone else watching him. He righted himself, smiled casually as he turned back to Riki. "Alright, let's get going," he said as if nothing happened at all.
He didn't want anyone to see how affected he was by Heeseung’s behavior. If they saw how he really felt they'd start asking questions and Jake would be forced to lie, he hated lying. He wasn't any good at it either. Whenever he told a falsehood it was exceedingly easy to tell. Getting nervous, wandering eyes and fidgeting fingers. He just hated the guilt that would eat at him. So it was better to pretend that everything was okay rather than let people worry. Some might say that was lying in of itself, but was it really if he convinced himself that everything was actually okay? If everyday he'd wake up, looked at himself in the mirror and tell himself that there was absolutely nothing wrong?
Of course it was, he knew that deep down. But still, he couldn't let it show. What would people say if they knew the true nature of their relationship? They'd surely think he was weak, incapable of standing up for himself. If people knew they'd look at not only himself, but Heeseung differently. And if Heeseung sensed that the grip he had on his carefully built persona was slipping there was no doubt in Jake's mind who he'd take that out on. If people knew it would only make things worse. So he kept pretending.
Even when he started the car and drove away from the party, feeling Riki's questioning eyes burning holes in the back of his head from the backseat, he didn't let his face show any faults. It was a little too late to act like Riki hadn't seen what he had, but Jake still tried. Filled the silent car with small talk. At first Riki answered hesitantly with short answers. But as the ride went on and it was clear Jake did not intend to adress the elephant in the room, he started to answer Jake's questions with fuller answers. Even asking a few of his own.
By the time they pulled up to Riki's house, Heeseung was fast asleep in the passenger seat.
"Here we are," said Jake, turning in his seat to look back at Riki.
"Thanks for driving, hyung!"
Involuntarily, a smile spread across Jake's face hearing the younger call him hyung. He doesn't have much friends that are younger than him, and no younger siblings to speak of. The only people he could possibly interact with that would call him hyung are the underclassmen on the soccer team, though he's not super close with any of them. So it was nice to hear the other say it. "No problem," he said, "I'm glad I could help."
Riki unbuckled his seatbelt and made to get out of the car, but something stopped him, hand hovering over the handle. Jake observed him, confused as he watched him hesitate. Just as he was about to ask what was wrong, Riki spoke. "Is he..." he stalled, "always like that?" His eyes were on Heeseung’s sleeping form.
For a second the smile on Jake's lips wavered. He turned around in his seat to face the steering wheel, wincing at his slip up once the other could no longer see his face. "What do you mean?" He asked, feigning ignorance.
"He just seems... aggressive," he remarked.
Before he could stop to think it through, the words "he isn't usually like that" came out of his mouth. He hadn't meant to say it, to lie so easily. And as soon as he said it he could feel the bitter after taste stinging his tongue.
"Really? I mean everyone always says that he's a great guy, but I don't know," Riki said, speculating. And he was so close to the truth, too close for Jake's piece of mind. Yet he still found himself wanting to tell him everything, the words were begging to spill out. Threatening to wreck the piece. It frightened him how much he wanted to spill his guts to him. In the end he bit his lip and said nothing. Riki must have took his silence for discomfort. Which was right, but not in the way he was thinking. "Sorry, he's boyfriend. You probably don't like me questioning his character."
"It's okay, really," he rushed to assure. "Don't sweat it."
"Right," he uttered stiffly. "Thanks again, hyung. I'll see you at school." And with that he left the car.
Jake let out a sigh once he heard the door slam shut. Less of relief and more the weariness he suddenly felt all over. Still he dragged his eyes over to the window and watched Riki cut through the grass on the lawn. He let out a small chuckle when he realized the younger was heading to the side of the house instead of the front door. He'd probably snuck out to go to the party, and the adolescence of that idea left Jake feeling a sence of longing. As many parties as he goes to, at some point he started to feel that he couldn't enjoy it the way everyone else seems to. Like his youth has been stripped away without him even noticing.
As he drove away he couldn't even get himself to cry over what he's lost. There was just an empty cavern lodged somewhere between his ribs in place of a beating heart.