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To say that the seven months since Claus had finally come home were a rollercoaster, would be an understatement (...Most likely, Lucas had never seen one himself, only stories from Tazmilians or New Pork Citizens who recalled their lives before the White Ship.)
Things had started out pretty bad, to put it lightly. Lucas had accepted Claus was probably never coming home around halfway through the three years he'd been gone. But deep down, some part of him hoped despite all odds it'd happen anyway. That Dad would come home with his chipper brother like it all never happened, or he'd show up at the door one day with the biggest grin. "Oh Luke! You've just gotta hear all the crazy stuff that happened while I was gone..." A happy reunion at long last.
But it wasn't like that at all, and really Lucas should have expected that. The "crazy stuff" that happened while Claus was gone was nothing fit for fun stories. In fact Claus went out of his way to never talk about it at all, and made it very clear he didn't want anyone to bring it up around him either. But moreover, Claus had not been that chipper, grinny brother when returning home. At least, not at first. Something had changed, and something was wrong. He'd been distant on good days, ill-tempered or even outright antagonistic on worse days, sometimes as far picking (verbal) fights with their father, which had scared the ever-loving hell out of Lucas.
There were two memories that haunted Lucas the most from that time. They'd happened the same night, actually—the night he'd come home. The first was when Claus had half-woken up from a nightmare in the middle of the night—drowsy, possibly sleep-talking and barely coherent—and started blubbering on Lucas's shoulder. The second was when, a couple hours later, Lucas had woken to find Claus missing, ran outside in terror fearing the worst, only to find something less bad than what he feared, but still pretty frightening: Claus standing over his flame-proof commander clothes, lying in a flaming pile of sticks, watching them "burn." He'd been in almost a trance-like state, and Lucas had had to put the flames out himself and get Claus to come back to bed.
He'd only been afraid he might find something even worse because, when he'd been crying in his sleep on Lucas's shoulder, Claus kept mumbling: "I wanna die, Luke... I wanna die..."
The next few weeks after that had been scary, and Lucas even second guessed himself a few times if stopping Claus from doing the worst had even been ethical when his brother was hurting so much. But to his surprise? It all just. Stopped. One day. It was like a flip had switched. And Claus was back to "normal."
"Hey Luke, good morning!" Claus had exclaimed one day. That grin he'd practically been famous for around town was back unannounced, like it'd never left. "Don't worry about feeding the sheep. I already got ya covered!"
Lucas had been put off by it at first. But in the weeks after, it proved genuine, and Claus was practically his old self again—outgoing and silly as ever. He finally started talking to their fellow villagers again, and seemed excited when their rooms were finally finished (which they'd always had, but never used as children and simply chose to sleep in the same room as their parents, but they were a little old for that now). He and Fuel, his childhood best-friend (and Lucas's then-friend, who he'd had budding feelings for) started reconnecting and they'd finally started hanging out as a group again. And when Lucas started this thing called "therapy" with Tessie, who'd apparently been a child psychologist before the White Ship, his life really seemed like it was happier than it'd been in years.
And yet, every so often, just to make sure:
"Hey, Claus. Um... I know you've seemed pretty happy lately, but you did go through a lot, so... just lemme know if. Y'know... you need anything ever."
"What? I'm fine, Lucas. Nothing to worry about."
"Well, okay," Lucas would say. "If you're sure. I'm glad." He sure had recovered quickly!
The world being saved, wonderful friends in Kumatora and Duster, a start in mending his relationship with his father, coping mechanisms to help with his self-esteem, traumatic memories, and grief over his mom, and his brother finally feeling better? It once seemed impossible to Lucas, and yet it was all true.
Or, so he'd thought.
Things were good for about three months. Around the second month, Claus had finally pulled him aside one day, not long after Lucas and Fuel had come home from hanging out together (Claus had declined because he'd said he was tired, which Lucas found odd, but went with it when Claus insisted).
"Lucas. Those googoo eyes you keep making all the time are crazy."
Lucas had stared at him. "What?" It'd been the first time Claus had ever mentioned it.
"Aw, you think I don't notice?" Claus laughed. "Come on, Luke. Every time you come home after going anywhere with Fuel you look like that for hours and get all quiet and day-dreamy and stuff. Last week you bumped into a wall! Why do you think I didn't come with you today? And yet you still wanted to see him."
"W-Well obviously!" Lucas had stammered. "He's my friend too, y'know. I told you. Before you came back we started spending more time together, I've known him a while now—"
"And it's super obvious you like him."
"Huh?!"
"Hey, if you're worried—you know I don't care right? If you're, like. Gay. It doesn't bother me. And I think anyone who is bothered by it is an idiot. And if anyone gives you shit for it lemme know and I'll—"
"I'm not... you don't need t—" Well, Lucas... did like Fuel. That didn't exactly suggest he was straight, though he hadn't really thought about what he was or tried to label himself yet... but that wasn't the point. And no, he hadn't even told anyone anything about this, either. He shook his head, red in the face. "I mean... It doesn't matter. It's not like he likes me back."
"Are you kidding?" Claus exclaimed. "You know that time you went to bed late and didn't feel like going out the next day? Half the things he went on about were you! And he was doing the same googoo eye thing. It was nuts. You gotta tell him. I swear to God he likes you back."
"You... you really think there's a chance?" Lucas asked hopefully.
"I'm telling you. The worst he could say is no. Which he's not gonna. And if he did it's not like he'd hate you over it. I know how he is."
Lucas had hesitated, eyes moving to the floor and not sure how to respond. And then Claus had walked over, being a little more serious and surprisingly gentle, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Seriously." Claus gave him a reassuring smile. "Go for it, okay?"
And so Lucas did. Or rather, he'd planned to, only to find that the next time Fuel and Lucas spoke? Fuel had been all flustered, asking if Lucas wanted to spend more time together with just the two of them, maybe even as... a date?! And Lucas had happily agreed. And then his life had really seemed set. He had a boyfriend, and he was finally able to just. Be a teenager. Not have to worry about saving the world or losing his brother or anything crazy. He could finally just live a normal life.
But then the third month had passed, and he'd noticed something. Off. He and Fuel had started spending more and more time together without Claus. Some of it was intentional, but most of it was because, when invited, Claus would say no.
"Sorry, Dad says I gotta clean my room. He's right, y'know. It's like a twister went through there. Really gotta do something about it. Y'all have fun!"
But when Lucas came home, the room was still messy.
"Aw sorry Luke, I'm actually hanging out with Angie today." And sometimes that was true. But then one time he'd said that, Lucas and Fuel had actually found Angie on their way to the river and asked her if Claus had gone home early. She'd looked at him really confused.
"What do you mean? Claus and I didn't have any plans today." And then they'd all decided to go as a trio.
Lucas figured Claus was trying to give him space. But this much? They weren't really spending time at all now, but also Claus was even declining to hang with Fuel without Lucas. Worse, Claus had started acting. Strange. He was less energetic than usual, and sometimes not at all. Usually, at dinner time, Claus would be going on about some crazy thing Fuel or Angie told him once, some weird "internet drama" he got into, or some "movie" he saw (they'd had a "computer" and a "TV" for about three months by that point, both of which only Claus used. Lucas and their father refused to touch them but Claus was very invested.) But lately he'd been quieter. Dinner seemed to go by so much more quickly.
"So... Fuel and I saw the baby Drago at the river today! It came all the way down to the forest just to see us!" Lucas had said in an attempt to get Claus's attention one night. Now, normally Claus would get really excited about the baby Drago, even though he was kinda skittish about its remaining parent still after his experience with You Know Who. He'd particularly be interested to hear that, when the Drago never really left the mountains.
But Claus had just nodded. "Oh yeah, sounds cool," he'd muttered, staring at the wall ahead and idly twirling his fork in a circle. He'd barely touched his food. And that was also bizarre, because despite his lengthy conversations he usually finished eating first, and usually wanted seconds.
It was little things that kept adding up. Claus didn't eat as much, didn't really want to go anywhere with Lucas and/or Fuel or anybody, stopped talking as often. Stopped smiling as often. He often seemed pretty tired, too. Lucas knew Claus had some health issues because. Well. Chimera stuff. But he seemed like he used to get pretty good rest; he'd usually sleep until noon, unlike when they were younger. And something that really scared Lucas was, once, he even skipped his visit with Dr. Andonuts, when his biweekly checkups were essential to make sure all his mechanical stuff was working right and to get things replaced or fixed otherwise. And Claus knew this. He was the one who'd told Lucas this in the first place!
"You... skipped it?"
"It's fine, Lucas! I just didn't feel like going today. It's not gonna kill me to miss it this once."
"But..." Didn't he literally say it was really risky to skip these? The last time Claus had gone he'd needed emergency adjustments. "Did you at least tell him? Or schedule it again in a few days or—"
"Don't worry about it," Claus said. "I'll go again in two weeks. Nothing'll happen to me. It's not that big a deal."
Lucas had only gazed at him in silence, worried sick. But ultimately refused to keep pressing him, knowing Claus wouldn't appreciate it. Maybe he was right... maybe he knew what he was doing...? He had to...
Finally, the most worrying thing had started happening about two weeks ago, about two months after he'd started acting different. The first week, Claus almost stopped coming out of his room entirely. The second week, he hadn't period besides going to the bathroom, and coming out during dinner, where he asked to eat in his room.
Knock knock.
"Claus, you haven't left your room at all in a while. Is everything okay?"
"It's fine, Luke, I'm just a little sick."
Sick? When Claus had PSI Healing abilities like himself?
"Do you want me to bring you anything to eat?"
"Nah, I'm good."
"Do you want me to keep you company at all...?"
"Do you wanna catch it?"
"...No?" I could just cure it though...
"I'm sure Fuel's up for it." The sound of blankets rustling like someone turning in bed, followed by a voice slightly more muffled. "Or maybe Kuma or Duster. I'm sick."
Lucas tried to rationalize to himself all these things. But they were really frightening him. Claus wasn't being aggressive like he'd been the first few weeks he got home. But something was very wrong. Something Claus refused to speak of for reasons Lucas didn't know.
He'd asked him to spend more time with Fuel. Wasn't he happy for them? Did Claus resent them? Did Lucas do something else wrong and Claus was mad at him for it? He didn't know. The whole situation made his stomach twist in knots to think about. But none of that would explain his reclusive behavior in general.
One day, Lucas's worry got the better of him. That was today. He'd finally decided that he needed to talk to Claus about this. Claus kept saying he was okay, and Lucas wanted to believe he was telling the truth... but he really had to be sure.
After all, as much as Lucas hated to admit it... some part of him always suspected it was too good to be true. They never spoke of it. Lucas knew Claus didn't want to speak of it, and it'd gone unsaid for seven months now. But Lucas never forgot what happened the night of the final needle. How could he? And how could something like that not make him worry? Was it really possible for Claus to have gone through something so deeply harrowing that it had nearly driven him to do the unthinkable, only for him to bounce back like nothing happened a month later? Lucas was only starting to recover from their mother's death after three years of feeling stuck in limbo. And he didn't even have the cyborg trauma, or inability to process any of what he'd been through for all those years due to some crazy brainwashing or emotion suppression that Claus had had, that gave him an even shorter end of the stick. Claus had always seemed tougher than him. But was he really... that invincible?
Regardless, Lucas had to find out. He'd failed to be there for Claus once before. And the last time he'd just let himself believe Claus would never need help... he went missing.
Lucas didn't know if he was doing the right thing. But he had to try.
Inhale. Exhale. Okay.
Lucas knocked. "Claus?"
No response.
"You awake?"
Still no response. Lucas's heart fluttered for a second, but he pushed it down.
"Claus... if you can hear me. Please. I think we really need to talk."
...
"What's there to talk about? I'm sick."
"For two weeks? When you can heal yourself with PSI?"
"...It's not working."
"Well... mine works. If you let me come in I can probably heal it for you."
There was a long delay.
"And if that doesn't work we could get you to a doctor?" Lucas didn't particularly feel comfortable near the hospital that had recently been established near Tazmily, but he had to admit they seemed to be capable of a lot more to aid people than the town's skillset prior to Porky's influence. And even with powerful healing abilities, the effectiveness hinged on how close Lucas was to the person in question, and tired him out quickly. That wasn't a problem when it came to healing Claus, but...
"Alright... I'm not sick."
"I know, Claus," Lucas sighed. "You've shown no signs at all any time I've seen you besides being tired. Which you already were before you got sick."
Silence.
"Please... can I come in?"
Delay again. After about thirty seconds, there was finally a response.
"Knock yourself out. Door's not locked. Thanks for not barging in like Dad did the other day."
So Dad had tried to check on him too? Lucas had to wonder how that went. "Thanks." He hesitantly reached for the knob, turning it. Every second it took felt like hours, with the anticipation he felt. He half-expected to see something horrible, but pushed that away. Sure enough, upon opening the door, Claus was just sitting in bed, robot arm detached and sitting on the nightstand, looking like he just woke up. But Lucas's heart sank really quickly.
His room was actually not as messy as it usually was. Perhaps he had genuinely cleaned it at some point, but not since then. And maybe the lack of an extreme mess was due to lack of activity.
But Claus himself? Oh, God. His hair was a mess, nappy, dark circles under his eyes. In a way much more severe than just having woken up. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. In fact, he hadn't looked this bad since he'd first gotten home, when he was running on four or less hours of sleep at all times from his shifts as the Masked Man (one of the few things Claus had informed Lucas of regarding that). He may have looked worse, really, because back then he'd kept his hair brushed other than the inevitable helmet hair.
He also. Well, didn't smell great either. Lucas could tell he hadn't showered in at least a few days.
"Are you just gonna stare at me?" Claus asked, frowning.
"Uh.... no, I'm sorry."
"Okay." He rubbed an eye with his arm, gazing at him blankly. "What do you want to talk about?"
Deep breath again.
"Well I'll be straight with you," Lucas said. "I just wanted to make sure everything's okay."
"Never better." He'd said it without hesitation even though it was so obviously a lie. At the very least Claus was dealing with a serious insomnia episode. Lucas knew what this was as Tessie had explained to him that was likely what he'd experienced as a younger child that often made sleep rarely come, right after Mom died. That was very much... not okay.
"Are you sure?" Lucas tried. "To be honest, Claus... you look really..."
"Terrible? Yep."
"I was gonna say 'not okay,' but... yes."
"Thanks for coming in and insulting me then." Claus was starting to look impatient. "Is that all you got?"
"No, it's not," Lucas answered. He knew he had to get to the point before Claus kicked him out.
"Look, Claus. Honestly, you've been acting... weird lately. I don't just mean the past two weeks. The past few months. You won't go nowhere with me or Fuel, or really anyone. You stopped eating dinner with me and Dad. You barely joke around or... well frankly, even smile these days. And now you're cooping yourself up in your room, not taking care of yourself. You don't look like you've been sleeping so good. When was the last time you ate something?"
"This morning."
"Okay... well that's good. I'm glad to hear." Lucas sighed again. "Still. I'm really worried. I tried giving you space, and I really want to. I know you don't like when people bother you about this kinda stuff, but... you seem like you're not doing too great and aren't getting better... and I feel like at some point I need to step in as family."
"Alright. I'll shower, then start eating dinner again, okay? And start joking more. Everything'll be back to normal." Claus smiled at him, but there wasn't really any real mirth there. His eyes were dull. "Don't worry about it."
"Claus, that's not—"
"Then what?" Claus frowned again. "I'm fine, Luke. There's no problem. I'm just. A little tired lately. And I've been lazy. I needed to hear it, so thank you. I'll get off my butt, I promise."
Lucas stared at him, bewildered.
"You don't believe me, do you?" Claus scowled at him. "Lucas, I don't need this pity crap. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm tired of you 'checking on me.' There's no issues anymore. Or really, period. Yeah, whatever, the Commander thing sucked. But it's over, I'm home now. Not like I'm gonna turn into that again, so I don't see why you feel some need to keep an eye on me."
Lucas's breath caught in his throat when Claus mentioned the Masked Man. He hadn't even brought it up himself, Claus had assumed this was related to that. Even if he was right, well...
"It's not me thinking you need to be kept an eye on, I swear!" Lucas protested. "But of course I'm gonna worry when my brother's sick. I care about you! And it's a completely normal thing to look out for family."
"I told you, I'm not actually sick."
"But you are if you're acting like this! Something is wrong, Claus. I know you wouldn't be doing none of this unless it was, whatever you say. The way you're acting is scaring me. There, I said it. I'm really scared for you. I don't want it to stop and you hide it instead, I just wanna help—"
"I don't need help!" Claus snapped. Finally, he climbed out of bed, standing face-to-face with him. "Look. If you think I'm like you and I need to cry about my life story to some stranger for the rest of my life, you're wrong. I can actually take care of myself. I'm not some helpless crybaby!"
Lucas gaped at him in dismay. That was a low blow, especially coming from him. Did he really think that? Angry tears threatened to breach the corners of his eyes. "I... what? Is that really what you think of me?"
Claus ignored his question. "I'm fine, Lucas! I don't need your pity. I don't need anyone's pity. I don't have any problems. How many times do I gotta say it for it to sink in? Why can't you just listen to me? Do you want to hear I'm all emo or some shit? Would that make you feel better? For me to be all mopey and miserable?"
"It's not like that and you know it!" Lucas insisted, trying desperately to stay calm, but it was hard when Claus was yelling at him like this.
"Then what's your problem?" His brother gritted his teeth. "What, is it just some kinda concept you don't get? Not everybody needing to be coddled every time they have one bad thing happen to them? I'm fine, and have always been fine! There is nothing wrong! Just because you have a bunch of problems and need someone to go crying your head off to any time something goes wrong doesn't mean I do!"
"God dammit, Claus!" Lucas lost his cool, feeling hurt by his insults. "If you're so 'fine' then why'd you try to—"
Instantly Lucas's hands flew over his mouth. No. He hadn't meant to say that. It slipped out. It was an accident. He wasn't trying to bring it up, he was just hurt, and angry. He wasn't even supposed to get angry! What had he done?
But it was too late. Claus went stiff like a board. Lucas could only watch in horror as the consequences of his error played out.
"Oh no!" Claus spat. "Go ahead. Finish whatever you were saying. I'm curious. Why'd I try to what?"
Lucas remained silent, eyeing Claus in horror. His heart hammered in his chest. Just before he was about to apologize, Claus continued.
"You have some real nerve bringing that up. Like that's got anything to do with this!" Claus's eyes burned with fury. He hadn't looked at him like that since... "Is that what you think that was? God... y'know, that explains a lot. Really does explain a lot! I'm a fucking cyborg, Luke! I tried to kill you under Porky's control. How did I know whether or not I was safe around you? I was just trying to protect you!"
"No you weren't!" Lucas blurted. The more level-headed part of him shuddered that he was finally voicing this and screamed at him to shut up. But he was so hurt, and frustrated and tired of Claus dodging him, that he wasn't thinking straight. It all kept pouring out. "You cried in my arms that night and kept saying you wanted to see Mom again. You kept muttering in your sleep about wanting to die. I know why you did what you did at the needle, Claus. And I'm just supposed to ignore that? I'm supposed to just watch my brother try to do something like that, have to stop him myself, and be expected to never worry about him again after that? About how he's doing when he's avoiding everyone and locking himself in his room and not eating or sleeping and lying about being sick? Things that are HUGE signs that he's hurt again? When I have all the reason to fear something could happen 'cause it already has?"
"Alright, fine!" Claus yelled. "Alright."
Lucas went quiet, feeling himself shake with adrenaline.
"You got me, okay? You're right. Read me like a book. Maybe that is what I tried to do. Maybe I really am that selfish, and fucked up enough to try to put my family through that. Make 'em watch. After we watched our mom die and knowing damn well what it would do to you. And hearing 'bout how my Dad looked for me every day for three years and my brother begging me to remember who I was and come home. Maybe that's it."
"H-Hey, wait, that's not—"
"And maybe. Despite all that... sometimes I still want it."
Lucas froze.
All the anger seemed to melt away from Claus's face, left with anguish in its place. "And part of me still keeps hoping I won't wake up tomorrow. Or that some freak accident happens to me. Despite knowing how much it'd hurt you. How it'd hurt Dad. And Fuel, who's just found out his mom ain't coming home. And Angie and anyone else. I still think it anyway."
Defeated, Claus sat back on his bed and slumped over, propping his forehead in one hand. Lucas could only watch, stunned. "Some brother I turned out to be. I'm sorry, Lucas. For what I said... and everything else. I-I didn't mean any of that, I was just being a... you're hell of a lot stronger than I am. Man... I'm such a disappointment. To you, Dad... Mom." He lifted his chin, eyes flashing with pain, but it was like he was looking past him. "God... what would Mom think? What does she think? Seeing me try to pull all of that." He paused. "But then... she told me to, right...? Or is that why...? ...She didn't really want me to join her... she was trying to trick me to get justice for everyone I hurt. After all, that's what people say, right?" He grimaced, blinking hard. "If you kill yourself you go to Hell?"
"No! Come on, Claus... please don't say that, that's not true... Mom would never..." Lucas begged, trying his hardest not to cry. Where had he even heard such a horrible thing? "I-I didn't mean to... I-I'm so sorry. What I said was so out of line, I-I..."
Claus's head jerked up, like he remembered Lucas was standing there. For a second his eyes burned again, like he was trying to claw back to anger. But it was extinguished a moment later, by the sniffle that came followed by choked back tears.
"It's not fair, Luke!" Claus cried, his voice cracking. "I've got everything. I'm free from Porky. I'm with my Dad and brother again. My best friend and I are friends again. I'm getting over Mom finally. My life should be awesome, and I should be grateful. I was, for a while. I really was, I swear. So why do I feel like this now? Why do I feel so miserable and crappy all the time? I-I don't wanna do it, Luke. I don't. I won't." He shivered. "So why does my stupid brain keep telling me I do? ...W-Why do I still wanna die?"
Both of them were quiet again for a few moments. Lucas was speechless again, and suddenly, Claus's face hardened in his inability to respond.
"Oh my God, listen to me. I sound like a nutcase. I'm sorry, don't worry about any of this crap. It's not... I'm not gonna... nothing's gonna happen to me, okay?" He looked up and tried to smile. "I'm just... sleepy and out of it. I'll get some rest and shower and I'll be totally fine tomorrow, I swear. We can forget all this. We can all start hanging out again. It'll be like it always was." His smile faltered. "I swear there's nothing really wrong with me. I swear I haven't changed. I'm the same, y'know? I'm..."
"Claus... it's." Lucas swallowed. "It's okay if you changed. I don't need you to pretend that you're..."
"But I'm not pretending," Claus maintained. "I'm not like this. This isn't me. I do like to have fun and joke and whatever. It was real. But... lately it's been so hard. 'Cause of the no-sleep. I just gotta figure it out. I'll figure it out, Luke. I promise. You won't have to deal with this anymore. You won't have to worry..."
Lucas hesitated for a long time. Claus must have caught wind of his disbelief, because he frowned again, fear written all over his face. It was like he was awaiting divine judgment. Did he really feel that much shame over this?
Lucas found himself fighting back tears again, knowing it would just make Claus feel worse, and possibly ruin his chances of getting through to him. He hated hearing all this. He really did. But it wasn't because he thought his brother had some moral obligation to bury his sorrows and pretend everything was okay for his sake. It was the opposite. Hearing not only his fears confirmed but possibly even worse. Would Claus ever have confessed any of this if not for Lucas overstepping? He'd have continued to suffer in silence, and even if he was telling the truth when saying he'd never act on any of this, he didn't want him to live out the rest of his days miserable either. It was hard to figure what to say, though, to someone who so desperately believed he was wrong for feeling bad and a burden when he asked for help. And yet someone who hated sympathy and mistook it for pity.
"Hey... can I tell you a story?" Lucas asked before really thinking.
Claus blinked, brows furrowing. "Uh... yeah. I guess so."
Lucas took another deep breath, sitting beside Claus on his bed. Twiddling his thumbs for a second, he re-evaluated whether or not to spill his guts. He'd never told anyone this. At least, not the full story. Not Duster or Kumatora. Not Fuel. Not Tessie. But if there was anyone who needed to hear it...
"I'm sorry for bringing this up. But do you remember when you kicked me, Kuma, Duster, and Boney off that pigmask airship...?"
"...Yeah," Claus muttered, his face darkening.
Lucas paused. "We didn't all fall in the same place. Boney and I... we fell in a field. A-A sunflower field." He watched Claus raise his eyebrows in the corner of his vision, but went on. "They stretched everywhere, Claus. It was all you could see in any direction you faced but one. I started heading toward it, when. God, you're not gonna believe this... or maybe you will, 'cause it happened to you, too. I heard her voice. Her voice."
Claus pressed his lips hard into a straight line. "Mom."
"Yeah..." Lucas trailed off. This was hard. No crying, though. Not yet. Lucas averted his gaze, facing the wall ahead before closing his eyes. "And then... I saw her. Mom. Standing in front of me, a few yards away. I couldn't believe it, I thought I was hallucinating. I'm still not sure if I was or not, or if any of this was even real... and then she started running. I chased her. I found her again, Claus! I couldn't lose her again. There was so much I wanted to say, to tell her..."
He exhaled deeply.
"Finally, we reached the edge. A cliff edge. Mom walked over it like nothing, like she could walk in the sky, and turned around and reached out her arms. I..." His jaw tightened. "I jumped. Not even thinking about it. Or what it meant. All I could think about was how much I wanted to see her again... and hug her one last time."
He paused again for several seconds, and Claus made no effort to interrupt; he was totally silent.
"I-I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't thinking, 'Oh, I'm gonna make myself die.' But when I missed Mom's arms, and started falling through the sky to what looked like death... I wasn't really. Scared. I was feeling really horrible. I know I seem pretty okay now, but... back then... I hated myself a lot, Claus. I kept thinking it was my fault you went missing. 'Cause I didn't stop you or go with you or tell Grandpa Alec in time. I even thought Mom's death was my fault somehow. If I'd just been stronger... tougher... like you. Something would be different. Something would've changed." He shook his head. "And then, we failed. We were so close... but we fell off the ship. I didn't know where Kuma or Duster was, and they could've been dead for all I knew... and I'd've let everyone down again. It felt like all I did was screw things up, and fail. I didn't know about the needles yet. So... when I was falling. I just kept thinking... maybe it was better this way. Maybe people were better off if I was gone. And..." Lucas felt his eyes mist at last, and he winced. "And I almost felt. Relieved. No... I was relieved. For a minute. I thought it was finally gonna be over, and I'd be with Mom again. And I was okay with it. Death didn't seem scary to me anymore. The idea just felt... like peace."
Lucas opened his eyes slowly. "Ha... of course... I found out later it was kinda a trick. I landed in a pile of hay. Mom was trying to get me to safety, and when I woke up I was happy I was okay and snapped out of it. I told everyone that part. That Mom saved me. But..." Lucas swallowed again. "I never... forgot. How I really felt that day. How okay I was with the thought of dying. It scared me. I'd never felt like that before. It seemed... wrong, and messed up to me. Mom's death was so horrible. It hurt us all so much... and I was thinking it'd be nice to die? It felt disrespectful somehow. To you, and Dad. And to her... when she died to save us. To save me."
He finally dared to look back at Claus, not really sure what he expected to see. But his eyes were wide with horror.
"Luke, I..." Claus trailed off. "Oh my God. You really thought all that? Why?"
"The same reason as you, I think," Lucas answered. "It seemed a lot easier to swallow than all the guilt and journey ahead. It all felt like a living nightmare. And it was! I was a kid! We're kids! We shouldn't have to deal with all of this... or be expected to just know what to do all the time. It's not fair. And maybe some part of me knew that. And was tempted by the idea of just. Seeing Mom. Instead. Wherever she is... it sounded happier and more peaceful than everything on Earth."
"Yeah..." Claus mumbled.
"...Do you think I'm selfish for feeling that way, Claus...?" Really, though, Lucas wasn't sure.
"What? No, of course not! You—" His face fell as he seemed to realize. "Oh..."
"I don't think you're selfish, either," Lucas informed him. "But... at the same time. I was so scared of everything. And thought my life was over. But it wasn't... I'm so much happier now. Mostly. Some days are still bad, believe it or not... Sometimes I still go to Mom's grave and just cry. Fuel and I cried together a lot about losing our Moms. And I still cry when I think about all those years I was alone. Or in therapy. I still cry a lot, Claus... I'm still a crybaby, haha... even if I look braver." He sniffled. "I wanna cry right now, thinking about it all. And this. But I'm so happy I'm still alive. If I'd died that day, I wouldn't have found out about the needles or the world being in danger, but it's not just that... I also wouldn't have gotten to know Kuma and Duster and Fuel. I wouldn't have started fixing things with Dad... and... well." He smiled sadly. "I wouldn't have gotten to see you again."
Claus failed to return his smile, instead glancing downward at the floor.
"It's okay," Lucas said. "That you're hurt. Please don't feel bad... that you're thinking like this. I know it's hard."
But Claus didn't look too assured by this. Lucas honestly wasn't sure why, or why his eyes were dark with guilt. He wondered if there was something he wasn't telling him. But he wasn't going to press him anymore.
"Um... well, I say all this 'cause." Lucas swallowed hard, having no idea what Claus was gonna think of what he was about to suggest. "A lot of that. Is because I started talking to Tessie."
Claus shook his head immediately. "Oh, no. Luke, I'm not—"
"Hey, just hear me out, okay?" Lucas pleaded.
"But I don't want to," Claus insisted. "I barely even know her! Why would I go telling her about every little bad thing that's ever happened to me? I didn't even want to tell you any of this. I'm regretting it already. But I'm especially going to now if you're gonna start talking about therapy and all that crap." He groaned with exasperation, holding his head in one hand. "Man, I should've known."
"C'mon, Claus, that's not... you don't even know what it's like..."
"Oh yeah!" Claus snarled, jerking his head to face Lucas, who almost flinched at the sudden return of his hostility. "'Cause I really have to go to it first to know how I'm gonna feel if I go up to a lady I've never had a conversation longer than five minutes with and tell her 'Excuse me ma'am! Do you wanna hear about all the ways I've been nearly killed and was turned into a robot freak and enslaved and tortured until I tried to kill myself and how it made me feel?' so she can pat me on the back and say 'oh, you poor thing...' and tell everyone to feel sorry for me?" He scoffed. "Screw that, Luke! That's the last thing I need ever."
"That's not it at all!" Lucas protested. "She doesn't tell anyone anything... she can't. And she doesn't feel sorry for me either. Believe me, I don't like the pity thing any more than you do. But Tessie? She just listens. And gives me advice, or helps me try to figure out stuff I don't realize. I like talking to her because she doesn't do that. 'Cause Kuma and Duster... they're really nice. But I don't like worrying them too much, and they worry about me a bunch as is... And Dad... I love Dad. But he doesn't know how to deal with any of this stuff." Lucas gave Claus a guilty look. "And... I care about you a lot. I really do. And I meant it when I said I wanna help, and I can listen if you ever do decide to talk to me, and if you ever need anything you can lemme know, but... I don't have all the answers either, y'know? I mean..." Lucas rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't think I could've even talked to you about this months ago. I learned a lot from her... maybe... so could you."
The indignance slowly died from his brother's eyes. "I..." His lip quivered for a second. "I don't know," he said finally, voice sounding weak. "You're asking a lot. You know that right?"
"I know," Lucas admitted. "I know. And... I dunno for sure if it'll help. We're so different, but... I was kinda doubtful a little too. At first. But it was a lot better than I thought. Especially since Tessie's a lot different since she got her memories back... she's a lot more. Wise." Kinda like Mom, he thought for a second, swallowing the lump in his throat he got moments after. It really was every little thing that reminded him, huh? He stretched. "You could just give it a shot, go a few times maybe... and see how it works. And if it doesn't work, you can call me stupid or anything you want for suggesting it to you... and I'd get it. But. Can't knock it 'til you try it... right...?"
Claus gazed at him for a long time, his expression unreadable.
"Um... and if it'd help. I could. Go with you, too. If you wanted."
That made him frown. "Really?"
"Really."
Claus slowly turned back away to face the same direction Lucas was, slumping his shoulders. The truth was, Lucas was really worried about what Claus was gonna say. He wasn't sure how much therapy would help him, and knew Claus hated talking about his problems... but was it really worse than this? Lying around and watching the world pass him by while he slowly lost himself... again, in the process...? Would he at least try?
"...I'll think about it," Claus said at last, flatly.
Lucas felt a massive weight come off his shoulders. "Really? You will? That's grea—"
"I said I'll think about it," Claus repeated, slightly cooler this time. "It doesn't mean yes."
Lucas's heart sank a little, but he tried to remain steady. "...As long as you need. I get it..."
Claus's head lowered. "I think you should go."
But he didn't sound angry. Just defeated. Regardless, Lucas understood. He'd accomplished what he wanted to... or at least as much as he could.
"Okay." Lucas stood up, stretching again. "My next appointment's the day after tomorrow. Just lemme know if you decide to go with me, and then when we're there we can let her know."
And so Lucas began to head for the door.
"Wait."
Right as he was reaching for the knob, Lucas looked back.
Claus's eyes widened as Lucas met his gaze and then looked away uncertainly. "Hey. You said... if I needed anything to ask, right?"
"Anything."
Claus hesitated, and then asked.
"Can I, uh... have a hug?"
Lucas chuckled. "Aw, Claus, you looked like I was gonna bite your head off for that?"
"Well, I usually say I hate them," he justified himself. "Or. I used to. So everyone thinks I still do. Now I hate asking 'cause it sounds corny..."
"It's not corny."
Lucas walked back over to his brother and embraced him. He heard Claus sigh in relief, putting his arm around him in turn. Then, just as he was about to let go, Claus's grip tightened and he sniffled and gasped.
"D-Dang it..." Claus whimpered. "I-I promised myself I wasn't gonna start crying."
Oh. So that was why he was worried about asking. "If you need to cry, it's okay..."
"M-Man, quit saying that." Claus sniffled again. "I'm sorry. God... you're being so. Fucking nice to me and I keep snapping at you and saying all this terrible shit. I-I'm sorry, Luke... I-I'm sorry...!"
And with that, Claus began to sob next to his ear. Lucas held him tight, just letting him let it out, rubbing his back in circles like their Mom always did, and how Claus did to him when they were younger the few times he'd hugged him. This was the first time he'd heard Claus cry in months, after hearing him try to hold it in their whole talk. The last time was when he was sleep-talking and saying things that scared him sick. The time before that was right after Claus had...
...But things weren't that dire now. They had made progress. Right now, his brother just needed to be comforted. And Lucas was starting to regain hope.
"G-God, this..." Claus cried. "This is all wrong."
"Huh?"
"I... hic... can't believe I..." He gasped for air. "I shouldn't need help, Lucas... it's not fair."
Lucas felt his heart sink. "I don't understand," he said softly. "Why do you hate being helped so much?"
"You don't get it... you're not an older brother. I am. I'm supposed to look out for you, not the other way around! And if I keep being a huge basket case... I-I can't do that." He rested his chin on his shoulder. "That's how it's always been. I'm supposed to protect you. T-To stay strong for you. I've screwed up so many times... I can't keep doing it. I don't..." Claus trailed off and sniveled. "I-I don't wanna hurt you anymore, Luke."
"Claus... you're not my older brother."
Claus went rigid.
"You know that right?"
"Of course I am!" Claus protested. "What... I'm older than you—"
"You're nineteen minutes older than me," Lucas corrected him. "We have the same birthday and celebrate it at the same time. And yet everybody kept saying we're the older and younger brother. I know someone who's actually older. Kumatora. She's a lot wiser and more experienced than me. But not even she's perfect. And you, Claus? You're my twin. We're twins. Neither of us is above the other... we're equals."
"But..."
"And even if we weren't," Lucas went on. "It doesn't matter. Everyone needs help sometimes! You really are like Kuma sometimes though... she also tried to be tough all the time. And it's good to be brave... but sometimes you can't be. Sometimes she wasn't. A lot of the time I'm not... It's not you being weak, it means you're... a regular person. I felt like that for a while, too... like I had to start being tough like you. I hated that I wasn't. But... it was messing me up. Trying to pretend I wasn't still scared. I was always scared. I still am... I'm pretty scared right now. For you. It's not 'cause you have problems. It's 'cause you feel like you have to face them alone. But you don't. It's alright..." He smiled, even though Claus couldn't see. "Really, if anything... I think talking about all this when you're so scared is brave, though... maybe it's not so much about not being scared... but whether or not you can do things even if you are."
"I-I guess." Claus buried his face into his shoulder again, the sleeve of which was now damp with tears. "...Maybe you're right. I-I dunno.... I... I am scared, Lucas. I'm really scared. Of this. That I'm telling you all this. And of the stupid things in my head. A-And of some of the things I worry about..."
"Do you wanna talk about any of them...?"
"No," Claus whimpered. "...Not yet."
"That's okay... if you ever want to, you can tell me."
"O-Okay." Claus took a shaky breath. "...I-I love you, Luke."
"I love you too, Claus."
"I don't say it enough," Claus sobbed. "O-Or really appreciate you at all. When I should. You're so nice to me even when I'm a complete jerk and I don't understand it. God, I'm so sorry. I don't deserve it. But even if I don't say it I promise I—"
"It's alright, you don't need to say it. It's not a big deal..."
"It is, though. It is."
"It's okay." Lucas pulled away at last, gazing at him steadily. "We'll figure something out, okay? We'll figure it out."
Claus nodded wordlessly, tears staining his cheeks. He wiped his face with his arm, observed the now-damp sleeve and skin, and sighed. "...I see why you like crying so much."
Lucas smiled again. "Being a crybaby works out sometimes."
"...I guess so." Claus sounded dubious, but he smiled back. It was the first genuine one from him Lucas had seen in weeks. He'd missed it.
"...Oh, that's right. You asked me to leave," Lucas recalled, glancing at the door. "I'll go ahead and leave you al—"
"H-Hey... actually," Claus said. "Just one more thing. If it's okay. I'm sorry... I know I'm asking a lot and all."
"'Course you aren't. Sure, what is it?"
"...My head's a mess," his brother admitted. "I'm. Um... safe. Like I said. But. You were right earlier, y'know...? I'm... doing pretty bad. And after all this I'm feeling really queasy... it's a lot. I feel like I'd feel better if I uh. Wasn't..."
"...Alone?"
"If you can't it's okay... I get it. If you have like, plans or whatever or are just sick of me right now. I don't wanna talk about any more sad crap or anything," Claus said. "I'm just tired of shutting you out... we haven't really talked a lot before today, or hung out. In a while. And I know it's my fault, but..."
"You want me to stay with you, then?"
"...Yeah. If you can. Just a little longer."
"Of course I can."
Claus brightened. "Thank you." He gasped. "Shoot! That's right. Before all this sadsack stuff started I wanted to show you something..."
"What is it?"
"Aw, Luke... you'll have to humor me, okay?"
Lucas frowned. "You're not talking about happy box stuff, are you?"
"It's not a... Luke, I swear the TV isn't a happy box. They're totally different things. The happy box just flashes colors. But there's cool stories and stuff. On TV. It's like books... but you can see them. It's cool."
"Claus, you know I don't really..."
"...I know." Claus fished around in a drawer and pulled out a black, rectangular box. "But you've never tried it. I'm not saying 'Lucas you have to start going on the computer and watching TV right now!!!' It's okay, I know you like going outside and all. But... I think you'll like this one."
Lucas let out a snort. "What do you mean 'like going outsi—'"
"Look! Look. It's a movie." Claus showed Lucas the "movie" and grinned. On said "movie" was a picture of a farmer and the title. "Um... Kuma actually. Gave me this one. It was weird! She just stopped me one day and handed it to me. Weird story. Said she found it lying around in Osohe Castle one day after the pigmasks stormed it. Didn't know what the heck it was yet. She saved it, so it survived the, uh... you know. Said I should show it to you, because she thought you'd like it once she found out what it was. She likes movies now too, you know."
Lucas pursed his lips. "Kuma wanted me to see it...?" He wasn't sure if he should feel betrayed or appreciated.
"Yeah. It's okay, Luke... we're not going all..." Claus frowned, but then perked back up. "'You-know-who' about it on you." Fassad? Lucas wondered why Claus avoided saying his name. "What he did to Tazmily was screwed up... but... I dunno if technology is always bad. Just... gotta know when to use it and when to go outside. Not let it rot your brains out."
"Hm."
"Don't be that way. I get it... I get it. But." He gave a meaningful look. "Can't knock it 'til you try it, right?"
"...Ah." Lucas really set himself up for that one, didn't he? Couldn't argue with that. "Alright, fine. I'll uh... 'try' the movie."
"Watch the movie."
"Whatever." But Lucas wasn't really annoyed. Seeing Claus get excited about something again was wonderful.
"Man, you'll love it," Claus chirped, getting up and inserting the "movie" into a silver and black box, picking up another black object with bumps of different colors on it, and sitting back down next to Lucas again. "I, uh, thought it was kinda boring... but it's totally your thing. See, it's about this sheep farmer and a storm that's coming..."
In the next coming days, Lucas awoke and eventually got ready for his next therapy appointment with Tessie, only to find a slightly better rested, freshly-showered Claus approaching him.
This time, they went together.