Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Copper for your thoughts?" It's Isa that asks you, coming to sit beside you in the grass, detaching from the little group you and your family made to come talk to you.

It's been a few days since you've been out of the loops and your little… let's say, temper tantrum, where the world almost ended. You and the party are currently traveling to get Bonnie back to their sister, doing it so slowly for three very simple reasons, those being 1) Odile's an old woman, 2) there's no longer any need to hurry now that the King and his curse is not an active threat anymore, and, last but no less worth of stressing over: 3) you're still facing the consequences of Craft Exhaustion, meaning they're trying to adjust it the pace for your comfort. Even though you've done a lot of stupid things.

It's been… hard to accept all that your family is willing to do for you. Healing is no easy process. Days might have passed, but none of them have managed to make all that happened easier to digest.

So, yes, it is little wonder why you are sitting down in the grass, staring into space, quieter than normal, pulling the attention of your worried family.

"Hm? Oh, well, it's nothing…"

"Uh-huh, and I was born yesterday." Oh. Unlucky for you, dodging the subject is not gonna work anymore. Not that you should, either way. "Come on, Sif, what's up? You look… kinda bummed out, to be honest."

Plus, you promised.

You aren't about to break your promise so soon.

"I'm…" But talking… is hard!!! Speaking about your feelings, even though it's no longer a world ending event, is terrible!!! "I'm… I guess I am a little sad." Another problem: it's hard to understand your feelings on a lot of things. You don't really understand a lot of what it is that you feel, and, well… That's not ideal.

"Do you… wanna talk about it?"

You suppose you should.

"I… I think I miss Loop."

It's weird, saying it out loud like that. The admission makes it into a real, tangible feeling, and tangible feelings, you've come to realize, hurt.

It's true, though. You miss Loop. After it all happened, being caught up in a rollercoaster of emotions, you did not get a chance to say goodbye to them, nor thank them, not a proper one.

…Nor did you get to apologize.

"Yeah?" Isa’s face softens, some kind of sadness in it you're not very happy giving him. "...What happened, anyway? To Loop, I mean."

You scrunch up your face.

"They were gone when I tried to find them, so…" But your breath hitches and your throat seems stuck around the word. It's not true. "I think they might've just… left?"

It's not fair.

Isabeau nods.

"Sounds like you really liked Loop."

"Oh, not at all, they were a pain in the ass." You snicker at the wide eyes Isabeau makes with your comment. "They annoyed me a lot. Really!!! But… they also really helped me, too…"

In a lot of ways. If you forgot something they'd always remind you. They'd offer other, newer perspectives to a problem, gently coax you towards solutions that, let's face it, if not for them, you'd likely just ignore in favor of smashing your head against the wall until either the wall or your head broke.

That is to say…

"I… never would have gotten out of the loops, if not for them."

You never would have gotten this far, if not for them.

And…

"But… I didn't get to thank them. Or apologize f-for…" Another hitch. "All the things I've said to them. It's not fair." It's really not.

"…Yeah. I'm sorry, Sif." Isa tries. Not even he seems to know what to say. "A lot of things aren't fair."

"Yeah." Honestly? You hate it. Too many things are difficult.

Like understanding all of these feelings. Loop was annoying, yes, have gotten on your nerves plenty of times, and it's not like you have forgotten the "hangout" you had with them, nor any of the mean things they'd also say to you, countless times.

But… 

They also could be so sweet, sometimes. Gentleness slipped from the cracks of their mask, a word that sounded too genuine, a little nudge that came from kindness rather than annoyance. Little pieces of their true self that you've longed to seek out of their body.

Loop cared. Even if they pretended they didn't.

And, in some odd way, you've come to care about them, too.

…

"Well, they were a star, right?" Isa finally speaks again, in an awkward sort of way. You blink at him. "Maybe they went back to the sky or something. Instead of… you know."

Biting the dust, he means. Oh. You could make a pun out of that (??? what is this thought oh stars)!

"Maybe." Actually, you know so little about Loop. You kinda wished that after the loops you'd get the opportunity to get to know more about them. So you could tease them too!

"They looked pretty shy when we talked to them, I don't doubt that maybe they just ran away before you could talk to them!" That makes you smile. The mental image is pretty funny, yes.

Would they, though? You don’t know. You could never really figure out Loop.

"Anyway. Maybe you'll find them again someday."

"Yeah… maybe I will." Yeah, that's a way more optimistic way of thinking, and Mira did say that it helps to counteract your thoughts with the good things that could happen instead, so you'll stick with that for now, before your thoughts decide to be mean to you and sully this perfectly good day.

…Still. You just wish Loop was around. You miss talking to them. You miss their silly nickname for you, and you still have so many other questions, ranging from important to outright silly. Like: are they really a star? How does that body even work? Why were they helping you? How in the seven stars can they smile without having a mouth? Do they have a mouth under all that light? Where will they go now?

Are they still mad at you?

So many questions and no Loop to answer them.

You end up sighing again, looking out in the distance in the general direction of a clothesline, various sheets and shirts swaying softly with the wind. The wind was blowing just like this last time you saw Loop, too… If it was a tree and not some clothesline, you could almost imagine Loop over there, their face full of that strange mirth, and…

Wait a minute.

"Is that LOOP?!"

That maaaaaybe makes you get up a little too fast, finger outstretched as your voice inadvertently gets a little too loud for your liking. Ow, ow, too fast!!!

With the way that the figure looks back at you and screech, yes, yes it is.

Chapter Text

Oh no. Oh no no no no oh stars oh man oh boy oh sweet cosmos oh n o

You've been spotted.

By your Stardust and their party, that is.

Amazing. Incredible. Awesome. How do the worst things imaginable keep happening to you?

"LOOP!" They scream from a distance away. You try to stay quiet and pretend it has nothing to do with you, but it's too late. Your Stardust is already getting up and approaching your spot. "IT IS YOU!"

And yeah sure you could have just ran away maybe, but. Your body has decided that now out of all times is the perfect moment to freeze, and before you know it, there's your Stardust panting in front of you, a giant smile on their face that for once seems genuine.

"Aha, hi Stardust!" You tremble as you fall back into your role, hands clasped together to greet them, and possibly their party too, staring from aaaall the way over there. "It's… been a while, hasn't it?"

Also striding towards you.

oh stars oh stars oh no you're not going crazy you're not going insane you're soooo fine and normal teehee!!!

"Loop, Loop! Loop!!!" That seems to be the only word that comprises their vocabulary. Under this swirling collection of things you're feeling, you manage to recognize that this feels so so so weird. Reminiscent of the manic state you've witnessed a few (?) days before, but not quite. "You're back!"

"That I am!!!" Unfortunately!!! And you no longer know how to deal with them!!! Or the fact that even after your wish being fulfilled and all, you're still here! "What's up, my little Stardust?"

The party keeps approaching and you still haven’t thought of a good excuse to start running. Nor are your limbs obeying you. Awesome. 

"Where were you? I-I came back to the Favor Tree but you weren't there…"

"Of course. The loops ended, so why would I? What, did you think I would have stayed? Don’t tell me you expected me to wait for you." Oh my. Would be cute and hilarious if so.

"I… yeah, actually." (HUH?!) Stardust adjusts themself to regard you with a puppy-like expression and slightly darkened cheeks. Cute! "I kinda thought that you…"

"What, that I was stuck there to help you? No, like I said before, I was there by choice, Stardust. The world doesn't revolve around you, you know!"

"I know. I guess I just…"

Instead of letting them find his words, you look at the party, steadily getting closer. Oh no. You need to go!!! Seeing your Stardust, although awkward, is all fine and dandy, but their party? Nope!!! Biggest nope!!!

Why aren't your legs obeying you?! 

"Now that you're no longer looping, I've got places to be! Sights to see! Which I am in the middle of doing—" oh stars they're almost here oh stars oh stars you can hear them calling up your Stardust oh stars oh stars

"Oh? Where are you going?"

"I uhhhhh, um!!" Far far away from here because you can’t take this!!!

"Hm…? Oh!"

THEY'RE HERE!!! no no no no AHH—

‘Loop!’ You hear a chant of your name being called in greeting, lovely little sound if it were the right name you were not freaking the flip out.

"Hi!!! It's been a while!" Says the Housemaiden, all smiles and beaming expression that sends a dagger to twist your non-heart. Oh this is the worst. "It's so good to see you!"

"Yeah, we've never got a chance to say thanks for your help!" But maybe the Fighter’s worse, genuine smile tugging at whatever's in your chest now and making you, once again, consider turning tail and bolting. Or willing the Universe into opening up a hole to swallow you. "So!!!! Now that you're here: thank you!!!"

"YEAH!!!" The Kid is just as bad, looking far too excited to see you Unlike you, you’re not happy about this at all. Last time you did, the sight of their anguish couldn't leave your mind. "Thank you for helping us get Frin to be normal and safe again, Loop! You too, Dile!"

"Ah, yes, thank you, etc etc. Hello, Loop." And the Researcher, ah— it hurt to be perceived with hostile suspicion that one time, eyes that you've come to think as so kind (even when she pretends she’s not) sparing none of that gentleness when you explain to her all the sins that should be yours.

All of their reactions, little by themselves, stack up for the perfect concoction to absolutely destroy you.

You want to die. Disappear forever. Loop? Gone.

"Uh… there's no need to thank me, aha…"  

And doesn’t this hurt to hear, coming from them? You’re not even good enough to receive thanks, not when the action was selfishly motivated. You didn’t do it for the sake of your Stardust, after all. They wouldn’t be thanking you if they knew.

"Of course there is! Without you, we wouldn't have gotten Siffrin back!" The Housemaiden is the one that looks slightly mad at your response, staring at you almost as if scolding, which makes you take considerable effort not to instinctively flinch.

You do look at your Stardust for help. The bastard is too busy swinging from one toe to another, looking far too happy that you're here again. How dare he.

"YEAH! You've helped a lot, so accept our thanks!" That's the Kid.

"You better listen to Boniface. You don't wanna be bullied by a kid, do you, Loop?" The Researcher, very smug.

"Ahah… Um… Okay… You're… welcome?"

You're going to go insane.

Things should stop happening to you, honestly. No such mercy from the Universe, it seems.

"They're a little shy, so…" Your Stardust says now, and you swear by the Universe you're going to kick him in the shins later. "I'll withhold my own thanks for later."

"Aw, that's actually pretty cute!" Fighter. "Guess that even star beings can be shy."

"That's adorable!!" Housemaiden. No!!!

"They're not really a star, though." Stardust supplies, very helpful. Course not. You’re something else. Inhuman. "They're a… unusually shaped human that looks like a star."

"Huh???" Kid looks so confused. "That is so COOL!"

"Well, regardless, it is very good to see you again, Loop." Researcher. "What brings you to the outskirts of Dormont?" To a random clothesline of a house of someone that’s probably not even home? Ha. Um. About that…

You wanted some clothes. And theirs looked nice, so…

But you’re not going to tell anyone this.

And because you’re still struggling to keep yourself together, you just shrug and say. “Oh, you know…” To keep the mystery.

The Researcher raises an eyebrow. 

"Are you going back to the sky?" Kid.

Ha. If only!!! Anywhere would be better than this awful, awkward, terrible situation. But noooo, you've become stuck in place, doomed to watch the situation unfold and react accordingly, like usual. Haha… stars, what if you just disappeared, huh, what then?

"I think they're traveling." Stardust decides to supply for you instead. Very helpful. 

"Ohh, fun!" Fighter. "Are you going anywhere specific?"

Honestly? No. You sorta just picked a random direction and started walking, hoping that it was not the same one that your Stardust and their party were going or anywhere close to Bambouche. You're not very good at directions. Not when you can't look at the sky (why this is relevant escapes your mind at the moment, thus it must not be important).

"Uhh… not really. Anywhere that isn't Dormont!"

Stardust nods, though their party gets a chain reaction of mildly concerned expressions, except maybe the Kid because they don't realize.

"Is a clothesline a place…?" Kid muses, snickering.

"Yes. Yes it is.” You defend. “Don’t you visit random people's clotheslines everyday?” Judging by their unamused expression, no, they don’t. Shame!

“Is this the house of someone you know?” Housemaiden asks, both excited and concerned. Oh no.

“N-no…” You wave a hand around. You get several looks that ask then why are you here, none of them voiced, luckily. You wouldn’t know what answer will make you not look tremendously suspicious. The truth is that you were just stealing. “I’m just going wherever my feet lead!”

"Hmm…" Stardust squints.

You and he enter a staring contest. Winner undecided, because your attention is pulled by the Housemaiden, who fidgets for a while before she says:

"Why don't you join us?"

And that feels…

Familiar.

"For… dinner?" Lunch time has passed already. You think. Dinner takes longer. You don’t think you can will yourself to act normal through dinner. 

The Housemaiden giggles.

"No, for traveling!"

Painfully familiar.

Wait, what? Inviting… you? But…

Why…?

"Oh that is a great idea!" Fighter!? "Is that okay with everyone?"

"Sure, why not." Researcher!?

"YEAH! I like Loop! I can't wait to tell Nille I've made friends with a star-person!"

And finally, your Stardust:

"Yeah. Come with us, Loop."

…

But you– You– you’re not Siffrin anymore (no matter how much you want to be no matter how much you wish you’re stuck with being something else something they won’t even recognize still don’t recognize). You’re Loop. A stranger that happened to know too much in their time of need.  You haven’t done anything to earn their favor, much less an invitation for traveling. In fact! You cannot wrap your head around the mere concept. You don’t deserve it. Why would they…?

…

…Still…

You shouldn’t accept this. You know you shouldn’t. But! How are you supposed to tell them all you'd rather not? You can absolutely take the disappointed face of your Stardust any day with glee, but the party? You'd crumble on the spot, immediately.

That’s not the only problem, either…

How are you supposed to tell yourself you'd rather not? There’s a little voice at the back of your head (?) that’s getting harder and harder to ignore, whispering devious little things, stuff like it wouldn’t be so bad if you accepted, that it’s the best course of action, because you’re useless by yourself anyway. You haven’t been taking care of yourself (not that there’s anything to care for), it says, you barely even know where you’re going. It wouldn’t be so bad to accept, would it really? You’ve always wanted this future, anyway (didn’t you?).

They're all waiting. Taking in your hesitance. Quick! You'd better think of an excuse before you upset everyone!! And breathe. You should do that. In and out. 

…

You can do this. Go Loop go!!!

"Um, I-I… don't want to be a bother…"

Nevermind you can’t do this. That’s the best you can come up with? Really? Stars, Loop. You’ve done better with your Stardust!

"You wouldn't be." And speaking of them, they answer you first, easily. A choir of agreements resound.

…

Distantly, you think of the nature of Vaugarde's people, so very willing to accept a stranger in their little group, with barely any questions about their past, always assuming the best of someone.

Vaugarde is so weird.

It is a thought you don’t consider for too long, because several other reasons are making you have a lot of thoughts, and none of them are really all that helpful for your current situation— it wouldn't do to have a breakdown in front of what is supposed to be a different version of your family.

Your family, huh.

Didn't you want this? Something exactly like this. 

…

"B-but…"

In and out, you breathe. 

"If you are worried about bothering us, please don't be!!" Housemaiden. There are creases in her expression, subtle hints of worry and anxiety. All feelings you can't help but inflict on others. "We'd be glad to have you. But it's, of course, totally fine if you don't!" Some other agreements from the others follow, but then! Then!

You catch wind of your Stardust’s expression. Easy little thing to read, looks…

Honestly devastated. 

You think of the last real interaction you had with them.

…

Ugh. Ugh!!! Okay, fine, fine! Maybe you did become soft along the way of helping them or something, fine! Maybe you are (!?) feeling a tiny bit bad for inflicting this particular expression on your Stardust too, of all people. There, you admit it! 

"Okay!!! Okay, but I can't guarantee I'll go all the way, okay?"

There! That’s a fine compromise, isn’t it? You'll quieten your thoughts and have them be satisfied (?) by your presence, since for some unknown reason the party really wants to have you around. You'll accompany them for a few days, think of an excuse to leave, and then bolt in the opposite direction, hopefully to never see them again. You can do this. 

Or, or! Maybe you can disappear forever during the night instead. Wait for them to sleep and start running. It's a plan!!! You have a plan now, so everything's fine!!! You can endure a few more hours, right? Yeah, of course you can. Just perform for a little while. A little longer.

It's back to the stage with you.

Chapter Text

Okay. Okay. Dinner. Dinner’s a thing that people do, yep, uh-huh. You’re totally not completely ignoring the other implications and anything else that you’ve agreed to do, nuh-uh.

Right, first of all. You’ve managed to get out of an uncomfortable social situation, only to find yourself into another. Your Stardust settles beside you, guiding you back to the camp not very far from where you stood with nefarious (stealing) intentions. 

He looks giddy. Perpetual smile on his face. 

"You're going to snap your face like that, Stardust." Would be suuuuch a shame. You quite like that face, after all. Used to be yours— oops, not going there!

"Sorry," but the smile doesn't leave. "I'm just so happy you're back."

Aw. That's so cute of them! Also: huh??

"That I am!" What you want to ask doesn't come, so you don't try to force it out. 

"You are." 

You ignore how warm that makes you feel, and focus on the problem at hand.

It is awkward, to be in the presence of the party while the sun high in the sky suggests nothing of dinner, and to be here, in general.

…

You’ve never thought you would, anyway.

Needless to say, you feel very out of place, as the party instead of going back to their business, remains, all huddling together to regard you with their endless curiosity. It feels very uncomfortable to be watched while you sit down awkwardly in a spot pointed by your Stardust, supposedly where all of you are going to wait while the Kid prepares dinner. It makes you feel all sorts of uncomfortable, because, well, you thought you were done with performances. Or that this, at least, wasn't supposed to be one.

He sits beside you, goofy smile still plastered on their face. Ew. Eugh. Blech. Etc etc.

“So, Loop,” Researcher starts, arms crossed. No rest for the wicked. Horrible fate, this one. Forced to socialize. “I've heard that you've helped Siffrin a lot during the loops?”

Haha. Of course you're not gonna be free that easily.

“Yep!” You cheerfully say. “I sure did!” 

“May I ask how?” 

…

Ah. Blunt, isn't she? 

Hmm. So your Stardust probably hadn’t given a lot of details about you, just the general gist of things. Understandable. It’s been a week, you doubt he’d describe everything in excruciating detail, these things take time and all. Anyways.

“They’d mostly remind me of things and guide me.” Stardust says before you can. Oooh! Maybe you were wrong! Pleasant to know, that’s less for you to say.

“Yep! You know how our little rogue is like, hm?” That comment gets Stardust's smile to falter, if only for a moment. Good!

“Are you curious, m’dame?” Fighter asks, barely hiding his own curiosity.

“I am, yes. The inner workings of the loops fascinate me. You didn’t come to the House with us, so am I right to assume you also didn’t while you were helping Siffrin?”

Oh. That's…

fine to answer! Actually. Totally. Uh-huh. Yep.

“Um, madame, we shouldn’t really interrogate Loop.” Housemaiden. Surprisingly, it is enough to reel back the glint of excitement in the Researcher's eyes. She glances at you with concern.

“It’s fine, Housemaiden, don’t worry about it.” You wave a hand dismissively. “No, I didn’t. I stayed at the foot of the Favor Tree, instead.”

“Huh?” Fighter. “How come I never saw you?" Then, panic. "Wait, did I?" You quickly wave a hand to rebuke him, no words needed to make the Fighter understand.

The question also attracts the attention of your Stardust, however.

"How?" he asks.

Funny that, huh? The Universe is handy sometimes with its so graciously granted abilities. The answer is quite simple: you didn’t want him to see you like this. 

…Too late now.

“Who knows!!!” You pair this with a cheerful giggle. You wouldn’t have a problem saying, if not for the other questions that would follow, most of them things that you wouldn’t be able to answer, because you also have no idea how things work. They just do. "I can't go spilling off all my secrets, after all."

They grimace, for a brief moment.

“Aw, boo.”

“Hm.” Researcher again. “Do you wanna share anything else about the loops?” Researcher asks. You’re about to happily decline, when the Kid interrupts:

“I don’t wanna talk about any of that.” Grumpy and grumbling, too. 

…Ah. 

Everyone pauses, silently catching themselves on their blunder. Poor Kid. It doesn’t make you happy, either. The silence stretches uncomfortably. And so it falls to you to fix this, like it always does.

“What do you want to know instead, hm?”

You ignore all the reactions thrown your way. Not the point here, after all. Onto what matters: the Kid hesitates for just a second before rising to meet your bait.

“What does it feel like to glow?”

Funnily enough, the question elicits gasps from everyone else, except for your Stardust, who just tilts their head and smiles a shy little smile.

"Bonnie!!!" Housemaiden’s exasperated voice, fumbling to correct the unruly child. "You can't ask them that!!!"

"Wha— why not?!" Kid jumps in before you can say anything.

"Because!!! It's rude!!!"

Her scrambling is adorable, yes, but you're not that fond of your presence causing unhealthy amounts of distress, not to them at least. You bring two hands up in front of yourself.

"No, no, I don't mind it!" Kid then gasps and points to you with both of their palms, saying 'see!'. "And to answer your question, it actually doesn't feel like anything in particular! Honestly I don't even notice it, half the time." And you don't want to! You could do without the constant reminder of your new normal, thank you very much. But that's (just) one of the many issues bothering you at the moment (so many of them!), easily ignored.

"What!" Kid seems disappointed. You keep your smile plastered on your non-face. "That's lame."

"Bonnie!!!" Housemaiden again. You force out the chuckle stuck in your throat.

"Don't worry about it, Housemaiden. It is a little bit lame, I agree. Sorry, Kid! That's just how it is!" Just how the Universe made you, it seems. Can't do anything about that.

They huff, crossing their arms. Attention lost, Kid returns to their duties of cooking dinner. You're not interesting enough to hold their attention, after all.

"…Sorry about that, Loop." Fighter tries. You dismiss him easily. It's just a silly question. It's not his fault that you're bad at everything you do— wait, no, wrong thoughts to be having. You're supposed to be pretending you can totally do this for a while, enough to satisfy them so you can leave as fast as possible, not thinking things that will make you spiral! You've no time for a breakdown. Not with an audience this big!

You hear the shuffling of pages from a book, hooking your attention to the Researcher.

"Going off of that, if I may ask a question of my own…" …Yes? Maybe? It depends? "Can you eat?"

…

Oh you can't do this. You can't do this at all. Ahaha. You need to leave. Immediately. Forever. Into the woods. Never to be seen again. Oh stars.

The Kid is pulled from their duties yet again, gasping. They hurry to get up, all exasperated movements.

"WELL? CAN YOU?"

…Uh. Can you?

You try your Stardust for help. No use to you, of course, just staring back and forth, trying to keep up with the conversation. Overwhelmed, you assume. Okay! So you're on your own! That's fine!!!

…

Oh stars stars stars oh no no no this is the worst thing ever. You'll blind it all! What are you even supposed to say?! You can't admit the fact that you've actually never really thought about it, much less tried (the Universe wouldn't be so kind as to make you close to a human like that, would it?) to test anything of the sort! You were just wandering! No, no, in fact, you were actually much more preoccupied with thinking the least possible about your appearance before any of this happened! 

"M'dame!! Y-you also can't ask that!" Fighter. A raise of an eyebrow is enough to say either of these things: the Researcher doesn't actually realize the social blunder, or is perfectly aware AND using her privileges for this inquiry of hers (which also helps to quieten the poor Fighter). Inconclusive.

You. Just wait. Trying to look as composed as possible, high contrast to how you're feeling internally.

"Yes, I… realize this might not be exactly polite to ask, but." There's your answer. "We need to know. For Boniface's sake. And yours."

They nod.

"Nille says wasting food is bad. So if you can't eat, you should tell me before I start making a portion for you too!"

Oh! Yes! Of course! You wouldn't want that! Wouldn't want to make the Kid work too much for your sake. It'd be so much more awkward than it currently is, after all. Look at you, doing such a good job at understanding social cues and not making the situation incredibly awkward! Haha!!!!

…

Maybe… No, no, Stardust is useless. He just smiles when you peer at them. Once again, it falls to you to fix this. Becoming a habit, at this point, ha.

…Awful!

One more try? One more try!

"Um. I. don't know?"

…

That… is the worst thing you could have picked to explain your reasoning. Ahaha, stars. Why are you like this, really?

"…You don't know?" That's Stardust! Now he talks?! "What do you mean you don't know?"

"…I never tried?"

"…H-how?" Housemaiden.

"Didn't you get hungry??"

You just shrug. You… actually never noticed it, which sounds awful now that you actually voice the thought into the void of your mind, woopsies. Must be a star body thing (yet another something you don't get to have), and it's not like you've always enjoyed having to eat (liar) regularly anyway, so! It's fine!

…Can they stop staring at you like that?

"…Fascinating." Says the Researcher. You don't like the sound of that.

"Everyone gets hungry, though?" Kid.

Stardust agrees.

"Did you… never try? Not even during the loops?" Way to avoid talking about the timeloop in front of the Kid, you suppose. Not the point! You point to them:

"Well YOU also never tried to bring me anything!"

That takes the smile off their face. Stardust flinches, recoiling into themself.

"Frin!!!" Kid yells. Ooh! If you had a mouth (do you?), you'd be sticking your tongue out to further mock Stardust. "You didn't even feed Loop? That's horrible, Frin!" Even the other two look at your Stardust with disappointment on their faces. Ha! Deserved!

"Well, I!" He's trying, look at him. They point back to you. "You also never asked!"

…No, you didn't. Because you forgot. Completely different.

"Does a friend have to ask to be fed…?" You wipe a fake tear off your non-working eye.

Before Stardust can find something to defend their honor with or perhaps punch you, Researcher speaks up:

"Kids, let's focus, please." You're giggling. Not much when she turns to address you, though. "Okay, so Loop doesn't know if they can eat. Would you like to try?"

"Nope!" You push the 'p' out, making a show of it with the silly noise it makes. Absolutely not.

"Why not?!" Kid.

"Don't press it, Boniface. If Loop doesn't want to, then they don't need to."

Yeah, you're…

Huh?

The Researcher… also stares at The Housemaiden and Fighter, silent warning to not drag the issue. You… can only blink, even though that does nothing to chase away the complete and utter awe you feel watching the two of them tense up, keeping their lips shut.

Kid grumbles.

"…Sorry, Loop."

Then Stardust, mumbling in the collar of their cloak.

"Sorry."

You… ah.

This is weird. You don't know if you like it. It calls forth a strange little feeling, one that slithers inside of you, twirling circles of unease (familiarity) that shouldn't, won't be allowed to settle.

It makes you think of a time where you could have had the same. A far away desire, that one. Or have you forgotten? This isn't your family. It's theirs.

Regardless of your opinion, the group dies into silence again. Everyone goes back to doing whatever it is they were up to before your untimely interruption.

…

And you?

You're left to fend for yourself, looks like.

Chapter Text

Since the party and your Stardust has gotten the memo and decided to finally leave you alone, you stick to your original plan: distract yourself until you're able to get up and leave. You're practiced enough in the skill of losing time that it doesn't take much effort to retreat into the confines of your mind, only getting back to listen to the Kid presenting the food, or to scowl at your Stardust smiling at something someone said, a glance or another to you, or when you're needed.

Turns out you're needed briefly to decide the tent situation. You make sure to say it doesn't matter who you'll share with, that you have no preference at all. It's not gonna make a lick of a difference when you're far, far away from camp anyway. There's no reason to impose, they've already done enough for you. The least you could do is try your best not to be a bother. So what if it turns out you’re gonna share with your Stardust, while the Fighter shares with someone else? You’re fine, truly. Just a little bit more and you can leave.

Anyway. Like this, the hour marches on quickly enough. You make one or two jokes, indulge inquiries with cryptid answers, and then, finally, everyone starts to retreat into their own tents. Stardust, too, raising their eye to silently ask you to follow them. You happily do so.

It is awkward. Incredibly so. So awkward that you’re not gonna comment on it. Too many memories of things you don't want to relive right now attached. Easier to let these moments be consumed by the void in your mind.

Not as soon as you’d like, your Stardust falls asleep. 

Outside, the only noise is of soft snores, quiet breaths, and the rhythmic melody of crickets. You even wait some more minutes, fighting through exhaustion just to make sure nobody’s going to notice your escape.

You dig into yourself for forgotten skills (of an erased forgotten life), and slip away from the tent. The chilly wind bites into your skin (?), and you can’t help the shudder that courses through you, nor can you help the buzzing (beating?) of your chest (heart?) from being outside, in the silence. Tension you didn’t realize you were holding drips away from your shoulders.

“Loop?” a voice cuts through. The shudder and tension all but retreats back into your body, chilling bones you no longer have (?) and twisting the cords that tie you together back into the stage. A performance you can’t afford to interrupt.

A moment passes before you turn to face who it is.

…It’s just Stardust. Looking sleepy. Hair an entire mess from tossing and turning endlessly in bed, way more than usual. Stifling a yawn.

“...Yes?” 

“What are you doing up…?” Reprieve is such a feeble thing. Ugh.

“...I can’t sleep. Y-you fumble too much and it woke me up!” You blurt out. They blink. Once, twice. Growing more suspicious by the minute. Uh-oh!! “What are you doing up?”

A sigh.

"…Your fumbling woke me up."

Oops! Guess you weren't as quiet as you would have liked. Shame.

The world isn't merciful, because your Stardust decides this is a good moment to be talkative and ask questions.

"So. What are you doing?"

You hold off a big sigh. Breathe in, out and…

Okay, okay, you got this. You can solve this. You just have to make Stardust not be too suspicious of you, then you can escape, never to be seen again. You’re so so close to freedom from any and all awkward social interaction. Please Universe. Or any god that bothers to listen. It'll be fine, if you just calm down.

First order of business: breathe. Yes, again. In…

And out.

"I'm. uhhh…" No. Bad. Horrible. Try again! "Going to look at the stars!" That's better.

Stardust hums. You silently hope that this is more than enough to satiate their curiosity, get them to leave you alone forever. 

“Can I join you?” But you can never be so lucky, can you? 

To answer Stardust: no. Absolutely not. Not in a million years.

However! Here's the problem with declining: Stardust will get suspicious of you. And if they're suspicious, it is highly possible they're going to speculate on why you're really up, thus ruining your entire plan. You do not want your plan ruined. 

Counterpoint: if you accept, then that means… Having Stardust around you. Not so bad, per se, just… annoying. Incredibly so, and that’s– stars. You were never this annoying. You’re way better than your Stardust. 

Counter counterpoint: clearly one of these options is better than the other. Certainly better than giving in to stagnation and saying nothing, like you’re very tempted to continue doing.

…Ugh. Ugh!!! Various noises of distress!

Right. He's waiting for you to answer. Shouldn't dally too much.

"…Sure."

You raise an eyebrow to the genuine excitement that your Stardust exhibits. Far too sweet for their own good, really. Possibly why it's him with their family, and not you.

Stardust is beside you a moment later. You can't help but snort. That eager, huh?

You scan the area for a comfortable enough patch of grass to sit. It ends up being not too far away from the camp. You and Stardust sit down, close to each other (weird!!!).

…

……

………

Then you… look up?

Yet another thing you haven't really done in… a while, really. You'd look at the stars during Stardust loops, sometimes, to help pass the time, never with the intent of processing anything you're seeing. A lot of that time was used to think, in fact. Move around the same issues inside your brain, until you've either found the answer to explain your woes, or fell asleep. And that's before Stardust stopped staying in the Clocktower at all. 

You suppose you could do the same here, pick something to ruminate on, so you don't think about your current issues. Like the fact that this entire situation is not something that you've planned to happen at all, and that the more time passes, the more exhaustion sinks in, and that soon enough that'll start to be a very real problem. And. And!!! You really hope that's not what happens here! Because you're not sure if you can take another day of whatever this was. Or much of anything, really.

You feel so tired.

…

…

…Haha.

Hopefully Stardust falls asleep before you.

Speaking of, he's silent beside you. Distantly, you wonder if he can find anything of note up there, in all that twinkling. 

Part of you wishes he doesn't.

It is then that you notice how they look, now. Unlike you've ever (last) seen them, no scowl or darkened lines of distress sullying their expression. Tiredness, for sure. Ultimately: he looks happy. 

You try not to let that bother you.

As if summoned by your musings (or your creepy staring, either), Stardust head dips down to look at you, silent question in their eye.

You say nothing.

Eventually, they smile. 

Genuine.

“I'm really happy you're here, you know?” His voice is a tiny whisper you strain to hear. You're unsure if that's because you're both usually quiet, or because you're distracted, or because there's something in this weird moment that begs for a soft lilt in your voices. You don't think you want to know. Impossible not to cringe at Stardust's admission, simmering guilt suddenly rising up your throat to admit the sin he stopped you from committing (for now), a feeling you barely make any sense of. You bury whatever this is back, as Stardust continues: “I… was afraid I would never see you again.”

Recoil yet again, the guilt might as well eat you alive. It manifests as a shudder instead, an expression that implies disgust when the only target for such here should be yourself. You can't stand Stardust sickeningly sweet words, like this. Guilt continues to be familiar regardless, your next thoughts floating in before you can stop them: and you never would've have, if I wasn't bad at my job.

You wouldn't be in this present if past you was smarter, but neither the you of now nor the you of before are so smart.

Instead, you twist the coils of this awful feeling deep, deep inside, and react accordingly:

“Ew.” The face he makes is hilarious. You don't regret it. “How dreary, Stardust. You're talking as if I’m supposed to be dead or something.”

You wish. 

Stardust grumbles, embarrassment (annoyance, too?) sinking in. 

“No, I… just wasn't sure if you'd want to talk to me, after…” Buried further, though there is no cloak here to hide. “After what I've said.”

Ah! Yes, yes, you remember. The memory tastes bitter in your should be tongue, fresh enough to call forth feelings much too similar to what you felt in the moment, too. Stardust accusing you. Their face scary, hopeless, yet undoubtedly determined, deadly resolve as they spat accusations of misdeeds that might as well have rang true, since you never bothered to share them to ease the burden that your Stardust was feeling. The guilt of then compared to this one was an awful, ferocious beast. Nothing you wish to relieve.

Maybe worse still: that you've thought you should be dead, after that. Wouldn't be any closer to repentance, but at least it'd ensure that you could never do anything worse than that.

All of that is an elaborate way to skirt the truth, isn't it?

“...I won't say I'm not a little mad, Stardust.” Because you are. You shouldn't, you know you shouldn't, have no right to be, but you are. And you might as well be the worst scum that walks this Universe, disgusting awful useless little thing, because knowing this makes no move to chase away the delight you feel in seeing the similar (familiar) guilt swirl in your Stardust's eye. “But it's no longer a concern of mine.” Liar, liar, liar, you're such a liar. You lied before and you lie now because pretending is  all you're good for. “You…” Your voice fails. It seems that no words wants to come out. Nothing feels quite right. “It's fine.”

Inside your mind, a curse in their voice echoes.

This is why you were hesitant to accept this to begin with. It's so easy for your mind to wander, and yet once again, yet again, you held to the hope that maybe this time it'd be different, that you would hold on.

You just want to run.

“I'm sorry anyway.” Stardust says. You don't look at him, don't want to hear them. This is no apology you deserve. “I didn't mean any of it.” 

“It's fiiine.” You tut. “Don't worry about it.” But he will.

You will.

Sigh. So much for your perfect plan of running away.

Stardust recoils further into themself, opening their mouth to say something you don't know if you want to hear, then closing again, words making a lump in their throat. You don't coach the longing you know they feel out of him.

And because you don't like the silence that settles, you say:

“Is that why you can't sleep? Worrying about silly things like these?” 

Stardust huffs.

“No. You kept making noise.” Now that offends the fragile pride you still retain– what! You're still good at your job of being a rogue (aren't you?)! But, before you can gasp loudly and accidentally wake someone, they ask: “Can you… recognize anything?”

They don't need to dip their head up for you to understand.

…

“Ha! No.” Nothing in the sky for you. Just the pain of a familiarity you can't quite grasp. Against your better judgement, you try: “Can you?”

“...No.” Stardust sighs. Figures. You can't have anything, ever.

You both stay silent, for a while. You don't dare look up again.

“I'm still happy you're here. I think the party likes you a lot.” 

You grimace. Stars. Stardust can't find a subject that won't cause immediate repulse within you, it seems.

“Ugh. Aren't you tired, Stardust? Go back to sleep and stop bothering me, will you?” 

That's not enough to stop the menace.

“I mean it.” You don't want to hear it! You don't! Why is sleep the farthest thing from their body?! Wait, no, no, no, no panicking, nope! Focus, Loop, focus. 

You grimace again.

And have to take in a biiiig breathe that might not even matter because who even knows what you are, just to avoid committing some sort of crime while you (don't!) wonder what you did to deserve this. Except not really because– ugh!!! It's fine! It's fine! Everything's fine! You just have to endure a little more. Just… a little more. He’ll get tired soon enough.

Riiiight?

Ha. Haha. Don't. Don't think about that.

“Eugh, no. I wasn't the most friendly there, either.” And maybe this, too, is yet another source of guilt, you have no idea anymore and is certainly not eager to start listing all your reasons. You can do that later, in the comfort of your own company. “It was soooo awkward.” Like right now. Isn't that funny?

“Mhm, it's okay, I don't think they mind.” Stardust shrugs. But you do! You don't want to be here! “Socializing is hard.”

“It is.” 

Though that's not the full problem, ha, no, far from it. It's something else entirely, something that couldn't be the endless hurt that claws at your belly with phantom prickles of a tug, no, it is much more dangerous (sweeter) than that. And you really, really don't want to think about this either, with them so close to you, lest you begin having murderous ideas. You're better than that! Maybe! Possibly!

…

You're such a rollercoaster of emotions today, huh.

Again, wouldn't be if you were more careful with not crossing paths with Stardust. If you were more careful getting up. Alas. No leaving for you, not yet. Can't even say it's not deserved.

Actually… maybe tiredness is the real culprit here, ruining your capacity of reeling in treacherous thoughts. The more time passes, the more you feel it. Yeah. Probably that. Or! Maybe it's whatever softness this silent night has! Or! Maybe! Maybe it's the restlessness that's fading with each passing moment, the ever constant need to start running. Or! Or! Maybe it's all of that! 

(anything, anything so the fault doesn't lie with you anything so you don't have to face all that you should be burned away by guilt for)

…Stars. You're going insane, aren't you? 

Stardust stifles a yawn.

It's infectious. You yawn, too, or at least you think you do, bringing an open palm to where a mouth would be and everything. Not gonna question it! 

Not gonna answer the amused grin Stardust gives you either!

“Go back to bed, Stardust.” You say instead. 

“You go back to bed.” Ha! No. You won't. You're not giving up on leaving. You chuckle. 

“You're sooo eepy.” Stardust stares at you, a glint of danger in their eye. You kind of want to seek that out, and whoa, weird thought, must be the exhaustion, eugh. “Seriously. What fun is there with talking to me while stargazing? It's boring, Stardust! You're soooo bored you're getting sleepy!”

“No, I’m sleepy because I'm tired. It's different.” Another yawn that travels back to you, despite the lack of sense. Stardust giggles (how dare they!), then hesitates. “This is nice.” 

And…

…

It…

It really is, in a way. If you're willing to look past all the awful internal monologue (yes you are). 

Oooor it might be the exhaustion speaking again. No filters, remember?

“I…” you breathe out. Getting a little hard to speak. “suppose it is.” 

Very weird to admit! You don't know what you think about this! 

And you don't get a chance to, because not long after, something, or rather, someone, bumps against your side, absolutely not wrenching an embarrassing noise out of you nor making your entire body fizzle with static.

Oh stars oh stars oh boy oh man oh cosmos and galaxies and everything you hold dear

It's–

It's just Stardust.

Oh! Okay!

…

…

Oh stars oh stars oh boy oh man oh cosmos and galaxies and AAAAAHHH!!!

It's Stardust. Of course! What else could it be?! A creepy crawly? Eugh, no, banish this thought. But!!! It's!!! It's!!! This!!! This isn't any better!!!

Okay. Okay. No need to panic. It's. It's just Stardust, as stated before. Just them!

…

…

…

AAAAHHH!!!

…

……

………

…………

They're leaning against you. 

Head resting on your shoulder. 

Sighing softly as they settle. 

very

very

very warm

they’re touching you and they’re warm and you’re panicking and your heart is beating so so so fast and you’re going insane and you’re still thinking about sinking into the depths of the earth and oh stars stars stars save your wicked body and and and

you. 

are 

frozen

in place

too tired to be normal? Most likely. Panicking? Why yes, you are!!! Isn’t that nice?

…

Okay. Okay. Okay!

Stardust. Leaning on you. Touching. Shy. Trembling a little, even (or is that you?), tense, mouth sealed shut. You don’t know if they’re looking at you or the stars or eye closed or anything of the sort because you can’t quite see him and and and.

It’s… nice?

Somewhat. Weird! But… Nice?

You… don’t really know.

Aha. Ahaha. When’s the last time you… No, no, not worth thinking about this either. 

“…S-stardust?” You call. “Um. What are you doing?”

“Mmn.” A sleepy mumble is all you get for an answer. The shudder that assaulted him stops, the tension melts, and he relaxes, slowly.

Their breathing stills. Steadies.

Um. Um!!! 

Are they… sleeping?

“Stardust?” You call again, softly. Another weak mumble. “Hey… don’t fall asleep on me.” Too late! They’re gone to the world! 

Worse yet: you’re also soooo so tired! A little bit too much to care and go crazy as intensely as usual, ooor there’s something very wrong with you for thinking that you can’t really move now. Probably both! There are a lot of things wrong with you, after all.

This… is really nice. A bit uncomfortable, you suppose, but. Pleasant. Their body is warm, impossibly so, and the weight is... 

Real. 

…

Oh, you’re disgusting, aren’t you? Horribly so. Terrible thing.

But… 

You’re so, so tired, too.

Tension slips through and out of you. You breathe in, slowly, and out. Your eyes are heavy… 

Ah…

Maybe… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to sleep a little, would it? 

Too late to decide.

When you open your eyes again, it’s because the sun's rising. And because there’s several someones awake already. 

Which means you can't leave without attracting attention, and will have to wait for night again.

Lovely.