Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"I know I've already said it a million times but I'll say it over and over again: you girls did AMAZING tonight!"

Bobby's voice, though brimming with enthusiasm and a pride that bordered on paternal, was somehow calming. Rumi found it ironic that even though they were just on an international stage in a sold-out stadium, performing their hearts out and doing what they were born to do, surrounded by millions of fans chanting their names... she found the most solace in the voice of a man that chose to care about her as a young woman instead of a star. A smile graced her features while she followed Bobby backstage towards the exit, a familiar warmth blooming in her chest despite her exhaustion.

"Get some rest tonight. Please. You girls have EARNED it after performing back-to-back sold-out shows for WEEKS! Tomorrow night we'll be on a plane for the American leg of the tour that begins on Thursday!"

Zoey let out a squeal of excitement, bouncing forward to clutch at Rumi's upper arm in the endearing way she did when she needed someone else to anchor her enthusiasm. "I'm so EXCITED! I mean, I know we're starting on the east coast which is arguably the second best coast because everyone knows the west coast is better because - duh - California! Burbank! And- and- Mira's never had an American corn dog so on our day off we can go on that boardwalk I showed you guys in South Carolina and then-"

Mira scoffed and even though she walked a few paces behind, Rumi could practically hear her dramatic eyeroll. "Just because I've never had it doesn't mean I need to try it." Her tone was affectionate, no bite. There never was with Zoey.

And Zoey giggled, fingers tightening momentarily on Rumi's bicep. "Miraaaaa! We've been over this! It's an American classic! I know you're gonna do the thing where you pretend not to like it but I'll know you're lying cuz your eyebrows go up like this and then we'll argue back and forth but you'll make us go out and get another one before the tour is over and-"

And Mira was laughing now. Where Zoey was all sunshine and breathless giggles, Mira was firelight and deep chuckles. Something about her laugh put Rumi at ease. If normal had a sound... this would be it.

For a long time, after the Idol Awards, Rumi wouldn't let herself feel like this. Normal. Happy. Okay. It felt like it was too good to be true. Like this - acceptance, friendship, stardom, normalcy - wasn't meant for her. That it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down because this wasn't meant for demons like her. It had taken a lot of midnight talks, reassurance from Zoey and Mira, and exposure therapy to let Rumi feel like this again. Happy without dread. It was nice. Beautiful. Almost good enough to feel like it was always meant to be this way. The thought didn't hurt as much as it normally would.

"Hey..." Zoey's voice was deeper now. Softer, like she was testing the waters. There was a reassuring squeeze against her arm as Zoey spoke. "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

Rumi smiled, glancing over to see Zoey peering up at her through wide eyes brimming with thinly veiled concern. "Thinking about how lucky we are. How lucky I am. I'm happy." She let the fingers on her free hand drift up to graze over where Zoey's still wrapped around her bicep. She hoped the gesture was comforting.

Zoey laughed breathlessly, unconsciously pressing closer to Rumi's side as they walked. "Sorry. Sorry. You just- you were quiet for a second. I didn't want you to- you know, get lost in your own head." The maknae averted her gaze for a moment, biting her lower lip like she was worried she'd ruined the moment or read the situation wrong. And Rumi felt a pang, wishing for a moment that she could read Zoey's mind, that she could tap into their connection that built the Honmoon so she could know the right things to say, the magic words that helped Zoey believe that she was enough and perfect the way she is... so she didn't get lost in her own head either.

Rumi forced a smile and tugged Zoey closer. "Thank you." She said sincerely, awkwardly leaning her towel-wrapped head down atop Zoey's. The gesture was so awkward and uncharacteristically Rumi that it drew a startled laugh out of the maknae that eased the tension before it built.

"Tell me what else you're excited for on the American tour." Mira butted in, tone nonchalant. She didn't miss the grateful look Rumi sent her over Zoey's head.

Zoey physically brightened beneath her, chattering excitedly as they continued down the long dark hallway that wound around the rear of the building so they could make a discreet exit. That was one thing Rumi would always be grateful for at these obscenely large venues - there was always a 'secret exit' as Zoey so eloquently dubbed it - so they could escape without hours of unscripted fan interactions and even more traffic. It wasn't that they didn't want to see the fans. Zoey especially, usually Rumi, and even Mira (though she would deny it) lived for fan interactions. There was something both humbling and fulfilling about giving back to those who loved you and your work with just your presence. But after back-to-back concerts, when all of them were running on far too little sleep and adrenaline fueled by protein bars snagged between dress rehearsals and press conferences... they needed a break. A night of sleep so that the jet lag didn't sink in too deeply before their next performance. Luckily, Bobby knew this and made rest a priority for them. Rumi didn't have the words to thank him... but she hoped the 3% was enough. Somehow... she believed it was, to him.

"Wait wait wait... you want to take us to a what?" Mira was saying, one eyebrow raised as she calmly sipped on her post-concert boba Bobby always made sure to get her.

"A Waffle House." Zoey said, with all the seriousness of a puppy trying to resist snatching the treat out of an outstretched hand. "But we have to go at like... midnight or later. Trust me. It hits different that way."

"I-" Mira pinched the bridge of her nose, then looked to Rumi for backup. "Zoey, from what you've told me about Waffle House... I really don't think-"

"They're pretty good!" Bobby piped up from a few paces ahead of them, somehow knowing exactly when to turn despite his thumbs flying on the phone he was hunched over. "I'm with Zoey on this one. You guys can't leave America without trying it."

Zoey squealed again, unlatching herself from Rumi's upper arm to bounce forward and hug Bobby. Rumi felt strangely cold without the maknae pressed against her side. She hugged the robe tighter around her, chuckling softly as she watched Zoey nearly bowl an unsuspecting Bobby over, then giggle when he ruffled her hair in response. Normal. Happy. Okay.

There was another presence behind her now, stronger but not as warm as Zoey's. "She's tired." Mira said softly, as if telling a secret Rumi already knew.

Rumi nodded, slowing her pace so that she could walk beside Mira. She turned to meet her counterpart's gaze, quirking an eyebrow to indicate she was listening, sensing that Mira wasn't done. Mira's hair was done up in a towel too, but some long pink strands escaped and framed her face, accentuating the high cheekbones that other idols praised and critics cited as a reason a modeling career might've been a better path. Mira looked younger this way. More vulnerable. Rumi felt another pang and she wasn't sure why.

"She was up late last night... didn't you hear her?" Mira asked, tipping her head vaguely in Zoey's direction. "I got up to use the bathroom and her light was on. Again. This is the fourth night in a row."

"What was she doing?" Rumi asked lamely, too tired to come up with a better follow-up question.

Mira shrugged, taking another sip of her boba before responding. "I don't know. Writing probably."

"Oh." Rumi said, carefully mulling over her next words. "Well... you know how she gets sometimes. Hyper- hyperfocus?"

"Rumi." Mira's voice held no malice, but it deepened. Like she wanted Rumi to take her more seriously. It worked.

Rumi looked away from Mira's searching gaze and instead glanced ahead at Zoey and Bobby. Bobby had slipped his phone in his pocket - she could see the glowing screen through the fabric. It was undoubtedly buzzing with thousands of notifications after their concert. But Bobby had learned that sometimes the little things made the biggest difference. So he put his phone away to give his full attention to the maknae that was excitedly chattering away at him. Something about late night breakfast and cheap eggs and midnight strangers. They were both laughing and it was almost enough to distract from everything Rumi didn't want to acknowledge. Almost.

Zoey was pale. Almost the same color as the snow white robe that wrapped around her thin frame. Rumi could count every freckle that scattered across the bridge of Zoey's nose, over the skin that crinkled adorably when Zoey laughed hard enough to wheeze. But she could also see the dark bags ringing the tender hollows beneath Zoey's wide eyes, prominent against her sallow skin now that the stage makeup had been scrubbed away. Rumi remembered the way Zoey's small hands felt against her. Cold even through the robe, trembling slightly, like Zoey had to expend energy she didn't have to keep them still. Memories rose unbidden to her mind - the maknae's voice cracking early on the last note of "How It's Done," the way she stumbled slightly and careened into Mira when they got off the stage, laughing dizzily to distract from the fact that she still clung to Mira's arm for balance long after she tripped, the way she'd declined the protein bar and sports drink before the show, citing pre-concert jitters like it was believable to either of them. Zoey lived for the spotlight, deserved the adoration of millions, had poured her heart and soul into every performance so far... and she'd earned the privilege of resting. She never should've had to.

Something must have changed in Rumi's expression.

"See?" Mira asked pointedly, drifting about a step away from Rumi as they continued down the hallway.

Rumi nodded and shot Mira another look of gratitude. The taller girl huffed, but Rumi didn't miss the small smile she hid behind her next sip. Rumi stretched her arms above her, feeling the tension in her neck and upper back loosen. She could smell the faint tinge of mildew in this hallway. Her arms dropped, grazing the soft fleece of the robe over her hips. She was looking forward to fresh air.

"Alright girls... just a little bit farther and there should be a limo waiting for you right outside. It's about an hour to an hour and a half drive to the hotel I booked for you guys. I wanted to be extra careful that you wouldn't be bothered early in the morning by press and fans. Hopefully you get a chance to sleep in." The phone was out of his pocket again. Bobby turned the next corner and finished typing an email in the same beat. "There should be plenty of water and snacks in the limo - I stocked it myself. But if there's anything you want me to pick up on the way to the hotel, you just let me know, okay?"

All three girls nodded seriously, but all three of them would never dream of bothering Bobby for anything more than he'd already given them.

"Ta-Da!" Bobby flung the door at the end of the godforsaken tunnel open with a flourish. "Half a mile later and we have-"

"The secret exit!" Zoey breathed excitedly, eyes round with surprise and her mouth open in a little 'o' like she was truly amazed after seeing this for the dozenth time. Rumi hoped she'd always have that expression in every secret tunnel.

Bobby turned back to them with a smile, one hand fumbling to put the glowing phone back in his jacket pocket and the other gesturing towards the sleek limo parked just feet from the door in the underground parking garage. "Here's your ride, girls. Should already be running - driver's inside and he's got the directions loaded. He'll have you back in no time so you can get some sleep."

Zoey grinned back at him, her smile lighting up the dim garage more than the neon exit lights lining the walls. She stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug, squeezing tightly. "Thanks, Bobby. You're the best!"

Rumi felt another pang as Bobby's arms wrapped around Zoey's smaller frame in return, squeezing back with just as much fervor. A faint flush colored his cheeks as she pulled away, pride coloring his features. "Get some rest, Zoey. I mean it!" His tone was meant to be firmly admonishing, but it came out as more of a plea.

Zoey giggled and gave him a mock salute. "Yes sir!"

Rumi stepped forward next, stooping slightly to give Bobby a soft hug. She held for a few seconds before stepping back, bowing her head slightly. "Thank you, Bobby. See you tomorrow?"

He nodded. "Unless you need something tonight, still. If not, I'll personally be your chauffeur to the airport, where your private jet awaits! I'll send itineraries tomorrow morning. Late tomorrow morning."

Rumi nodded and stepped back, placing a gentle hand on Zoey's back to ease the maknae's subtle swaying. Zoey didn't seem to notice, just leaned unconsciously into Rumi's warmth. She felt yet another pang.

Mira nodded coolly at Bobby, making a move to follow Rumi, but Bobby stepped forward. "Oh no you don't."

Mira let out a barking laugh and stooped even lower than Rumi to hug Bobby. She held on longer than Rumi did, though. Like the hug was something she had needed just as much as Bobby did. This was their little family. It meant something. It had to.

When Mira finally pulled away, Bobby swiped suspiciously under his eyes before gesturing wildly towards the running limo. "Go before I keep you up any later. Or 'Idols Unlimited' gets word of what hotel you're staying at."

Zoey giggled and Rumi pushed her gently towards the limo, waving slightly at Bobby. Mira sidestepped both of them to open the door, quirking an eyebrow as Zoey giggled again.

"Awww... Mira, you're so chivalrous! Thank you!" Zoey beamed at her before crawling into the limo.

Mira rolled her eyes but it was fond. Rumi awkwardly patted Mira on the shoulder as she followed Zoey, sitting on the bench seat facing forward beside the maknae. Mira liked sitting on the bench seat facing backward. Rumi couldn't do that - it made her dizzy. Mira would make fun of her - how could she fight demons and literally teleport and ride a swinging prop around a full stadium during 'Golden' but she couldn't handle riding backwards in a car? And Rumi never had a good answer so she would just sulk as Zoey fervently defended her. Zoey sometimes rode next to Rumi in the back. Sometimes she rode next to Mira in the front. Rumi pretended not to notice the way Zoey split evenly between Rumi and Mira, like she was worried she'd let down one of them if she sat by the other too many times. But Rumi didn't have the right words to reassure her, so she helped the maknae keep track of who she sat next to 'last time.' It was Rumi's turn to have a seat partner. Maybe that was why Mira had been so insistent earlier.

Mira slid into the opposite seat, manspreading obscenely over the seats with a drawn out sigh, letting her long legs stretch out in front of her. Zoey giggled while Rumi balked, shaking her head in mock disappointment. Bobby shut the door behind them with a soft slam, waving at them through the tinted window. They waved back even though they knew he couldn't see. But he knew they were anyway and that was why.

The limo rolled forward and soon enough, they were out on the main road. Neon lights from billboards streamed through the windows as they drove the city streets. They didn't stop nearly as many times as Rumi thought they would. This driver must know the city well. Or perhaps their walk to the 'secret exit' had taken long enough for the post-concert traffic to die down. Nevertheless, Rumi was grateful. She let herself relax into the seat with a sigh, letting the tiredness fully sink into her bones now that she'd finally gotten the chance to breathe.

She couldn't help glancing over at Zoey, who was looking out the window with wide eyes, enamored with the flashing lights and towering skyscrapers. Her mouth was still shaped into that little 'o' that reminded Rumi there were still precious things in the world worth protecting. Her heart swelled with warmth. There was no pang this time.

But then her eyes drifted down and she could see the tension coiled in Zoey's body like sheer will was the only thing keeping her from snapping. Her limbs trembled listlessly, nearly imperceptibly, like she didn't have the energy to keep them still. Or she was running purely on adrenaline and it was seeping out in little movements.

Zoey had always been like this. Doing anything and everything, running on pure excitement and unbridled enthusiasm and exhaustion perpetuated by adrenaline until she finally stopped moving and she crashed. Hard. More than once, Rumi had found Zoey asleep next to a steaming bowl of ramyeon, like she couldn't stay awake long enough to enjoy the food she'd made. Mira had found Zoey asleep in their practice studio once, on top of a yoga mat like she'd been stretching and her body had just given out. Bobby had let her fall asleep during a meeting once, because it was the first time Zoey had sat down in ages. They lowered their voices to hushed tones and Bobby had draped a soft blanket over her shoulders and quietly extended the meeting block to two hours. They all knew the crash was inevitable. And all the signs were there.

Rumi watched as Mira subtly reached over and turned the heat up. It wasn't for her - both Mira and Rumi ran hot. But Zoey ran cold. And warmth made her sleepy.

After a few moments, Rumi watched as the heat began to seep into Zoey's skin. Her frame relaxed nearly imperceptibly, her head drooping forward slightly as she let out an unconscious sigh of relief. Rumi glanced at Mira, who quirked an eyebrow like the ball was in her court. And she supposed it was now.

"Zoey?" No matter how soft Rumi made her voice, she knew Zoey would flinch. She felt her patterns flicker with guilt, knowing that some wounds were scars she could not undo, even though it hurt to think about.

Zoey startled and shrank back, one hand palming at her sternum to calm her racing heart. "Y-yeah?"

Rumi continued like the implications didn't make her want to cry. "Do you wanna look at the stars?"

Zoey glanced up at the opaque limo roof in confusion, then looked back down at Rumi, tongue poking out as she pondered what Rumi could possible mean. Rumi shot a glance at Mira, who fumbled with the control panel after a few seconds.

Rumi shifted so that her hips and back were against the wall of the limo, lifting her arms in a gesture she hoped was inviting. Zoey's expression lit up and she happily went in for a hug. That was one of the many good things that had come after the Idol Awards. Rumi could be the one to initiate hugs now. And each time Zoey obliged with such genuine excitement, it healed a part of her she never knew was broken.

Zoey was warm despite the goosebumps that prickled along the exposed skin of her forearms where she rolled the sleeves of her robe up. She was hunched, folded forward like her excitement outweighed the instinct of comfort, arms thrown over Rumi's shoulders as she nestled against the older girl's shoulder, squeezing to convey the love that Rumi never doubted she felt.

She couldn't help but laugh, nudging Zoey to roll over in her arms. "Zo, you look so uncomfortable right now."

Zoey mumbled something that sounded vaguely like a protest, but sighed and let Rumi guide her limbs.

Rumi coaxed Zoey to turn so that her shoulderblades rested on her torso and Zoey's head could loll against her chest. "Stretch out your legs." She prodded softly, helping Zoey shift so she was sprawled across the bench seat and pillowed against Rumi's frame. Zoey's soft sigh of relief told Rumi she'd done something right. She smiled in the dark, nodding to Mira.

Mira stifled a laugh and pressed a button on the panel. There was a jarring click before the bottom portion of the limo's ceiling began to retract, opening up a large sunroof right above the backseat.

"Whooooaaaaaa..." Zoey breathed in awe, eyes going wide again as she glimpsed the constellations above.

Rumi let her hands drift to Zoey's head, gently undoing her signature spacebuns so she could lie more comfortably against her. "Tell me what you see." She coaxed softly, letting the rubber bands roll over her wristbone while she combed out the residual tangles in Zoey's soft tresses.

Zoey lazily pointed towards a cluster of stars directly above them. "I think - I think that one's Ursa Major. The- the bear one." Her voice was soft, quiet, subdued. A far cry from her normal exuberant, fast-paced rambling.

"Oh yeah?" Rumi continued carding her fingers through Zoey's tousled dark waves, tracing gentle patterns against her maknae's scalp. "What about those ones? That really bright one over there?"

Zoey must've been too tired to notice that Rumi didn't even point. "I think... I think that's the North Star. The bright one. If you-" She blinked slowly, brow furrowing slightly like she was trying to untangle her thoughts. "If you look just... west of that? There's... Orion..."

"Oh." Mira interjected. "That's the one with the belt, right?"

"Mmmhmmm..." Zoey nodded, then broke off in a yawn. Rumi bit back a laugh as the younger girl unconsciously pressed closer, leaning into her touch. "That's- that's your favorite one... right Mimi?"

Mira shook her head at the nickname and began rummaging through the bag that Bobby had packed for them, wedged underneath the front seat. "Yeah... that one's my favorite."

"Which- which one's yours, Rumi?" Zoey's words were comically slow now, slurring as sleep dragged heavier and heavier on her conscious thoughts.

"I like Cassiopeia." Rumi answered honestly, glancing upward while continuing her comforting ministrations. "Can you find her for me?"

Zoey tried to nod, brow furrowing as she tried so hard to concentrate despite the exhaustion that was clearly winning. "I think... maybe that one? Well... no because- there should be three..." She trailed off, muscles going slack as sleep claimed her.

Mira triumphantly pulled something out of the bag beneath the seat, creeping forward on her knees to drape a soft blanket over Zoey.

Zoey let out a soft noise of appreciation, rolling over slightly to burrow into the soft fabric. She relaxed even more, growing limp as warmth finally sunk in and her body realized she was safe enough to let go. Rumi couldn't help but smile, continuing to ease Zoey into the rest she so desperately needed.

"Thank you..." Zoey murmured softly, her eyelids finally fluttering shut.

Rumi smiled a toothy grin, leaning down to whisper into Zoey's ear. "Just sleep, Zo. It's okay."

Her breathing slowed as the minutes passed. Rumi didn't dare move, just watched over the exhausted maknae as she drifted deeper and deeper into rest. Finally, when she began snoring softly, Rumi finally let herself breathe.

"About time." Mira whistled lowly, sitting back as if she, too, was waiting in silence. "I thought she'd never fall asleep."

"I had a good idea with the stargazing, right?" Rumi teased, glancing at Mira with a mirthful smile.

Mira rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Our fearless leader's plan worked yet again."

"Normally you're better at this than I am." Rumi conceded honestly, glancing back down at Zoey in her lap.

Mira looked down at Zoey, her sweet, excitable maknae blissfully asleep in her unnie's arms. She smiled, lighting up the dark cab more than the passing streetlights. "Yeah... you did good, Rumi."

The maknae was warm and soft and heavy against her. Comforting because she was an exhausted human in all the ways that reminded Rumi it was okay to be. Her gaze danced under closed lids like she was dreaming, damp eyelids fluttering every few seconds. Zoey's breaths escaped in soft puffs, her face pale but tinged with a faint pink flush because she was finally warm. Her freckles were prominent against the glow of the streetlights that streamed in through the sunroof. Rumi unconsciously pulled her closer, reluctantly stopping her strokes through Zoey's hair so as not to startle her awake, instead letting her arms rest in a half-protective embrace over the blanket, steadying Zoey as they slowed to a stop or turned every so often.

"Hey."

Rumi glanced over at Mira, who looked halfway to falling asleep herself. "Hm?"

"What time do you think she'll wake up tomorrow?" Mira's voice was teasing and Rumi fought the urge to laugh.

"Oh... definitely not until after noon." Rumi chuckled because she couldn't help it, careful not to disturb the exhausted maknae.

"My bet is one-thirty." Mira said solemnly.

"I say two-thirty."

"You're on."

And they continued driving further and further away from the city. Towards a refuge that Bobby had painstakingly carved out for them in the midst of the chaos that was the life they'd built for themselves, cradling their sleepy maknae that had finally stopped. And everything was normal. Happy. Good. Okay.

Sleep claimed Rumi within minutes. They'd never know who won the bet.

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Bobby waved goodbye to the driver, shutting the car door with a sense of finality. He padded into the hotel, glimpsing the thankfully empty lobby, and thumbed the button for the elevator. He was staying much closer to the venue than the girls were, that way he'd be able to deal with any last-minute PR crises before they left for America tomorrow. The elevator door closed and he pressed '32', hoping that he wasn't thinking of his room number for tomorrow night. There were soft dings with each floor he passed, soothing combined with the elevator music. A much different vibe than the packed concert venues he'd spent the last several nights at.

It was so comforting that he'd almost missed the soft vibration of his phone.

On instinct, he went for his pocket and immediately opened the message.

Mira (3:04am): look at these two lol

Mira (3:04am): for sure going in the blackmail folder

She'd sent an image too. He clicked into it and felt his heart swell.

Zoey was sprawled across the backseat, head in Rumi's lap, obviously deeply asleep. Her mouth hung open slightly and in the dim light from the streetlights, he could make out the dark bags against her pale skin. He was glad she was finally getting some rest. His gaze traced upwards to Rumi, who was hunched forward, arms hugging Zoey almost protectively, eyes closed in what he guessed was a light sleep, but sleep nonetheless.

His girls were resting. He smiled, planning to follow suit after he typed out a quick response.

Me (3:05am): Awwww love you girls. Get some rest too, Mira. Don't be too hard on them. See you in the morning. Late morning. :-)

He slipped the phone back into his pocket and stepped off the elevator, knowing none of them would be up before three o'clock the following afternoon.

Chapter Text

Mira tugged her new parka tighter around her slim frame, simultaneously hating the way it hugged her in all the wrong places while thankful that it blocked out the unexpected wind. She could feel the cold press of the folding chair against her back and thighs even through the thick fabric. She bit back the complaint rising in her throat - Mira never liked to leverage her idol status for frivolous privileges if she could help it, but they weren't even halfway through the pop-up fan event and she couldn't feel her fingers. It couldn't possibly be too much to ask for some gloves? Or a heated blanket? Or a more comfortable seat?

She shook her head to dispel the negative thoughts. Mira was working on being more positive. Or at least less negative. Not that she would ever admit it aloud. Her newfound resolution had arisen after her teasing banter with Zoey had taken a deeper turn. At times like this, she found herself replaying the unexpectedly profound conversation.

It had happened after a long choreo practice at the height of their comeback preparation. Rumi had squirreled herself away in a recording booth, needing to "be alone" to get the perfect take on the bridge. Neither of them had minded, opting to stretch and rehydrate after such an exhausting day. Well, Mira had been. Her body moved in the way it always had, finding comfort in the pain and relief of her familiar stretching routine. She let Zoey's absentminded chattering fill the studio, wrapping around her sore frame like a balm of normalcy she desperately craved but didn't know how to ask for.

"- and then I thought 'how in the world are we supposed to make that turn work?' Cuz I kept almost running into Rumi and having to pivot at the last second, which threw off my balance. That's why I kept elbowing you - sorry about that, by the way. I swear it wasn't on purpose. But I think I finally figured it out on that last run-through! I was just pushing too far forward during the second verse. Ha- just remind me not to get too excited next time." Zoey giggled, halfheartedly reaching towards her outstretched toes. "Ow - I think eight hours of choreo might be my limit."

Mira sighed in faux annoyance just to hide the stab of concern she felt at Zoey's wince. She stood without a word, feeling her tight hamstrings scream in protest, then crossed the room in three quick strides. She rifled through the cooler Bobby had packed them for a moment, pulling out a bottle of water without flourish and tossing it in Zoey's general direction without looking. The maknae yelped and she heard a slight commotion as Zoey scrambled to catch the unexpected gift. Mira turned and made her way back to the yoga mat, the corner of her mouth quirking up at the sight of Zoey half-sprawled off the mat, clutching the water bottle to her chest with a look of shock on her face.

"Caught it!" She said triumphantly, brandishing the bottle like a prize she'd won.

Mira rolled her eyes, effortlessly sinking back into a warrior's pose. "Drink."

"Thank you!" Zoey mumbled brightly, gnawing on the cap and opening it with her teeth. Mira bit back her admonishment, suddenly realizing that Zoey's hands were shaking too much for her to open it the right way. She pretended not to watch as Zoey guzzled down half of it in just three gulps, some water dribbling down her chin and dripping on to her sweat-soaked shirt. The maknae sputtered slightly and set the bottle aside, not bothering to screw the cap back on, then smiled brightly at Mira. "Sorry, I forgot I was thirsty. Thanks for always taking care of me!"

And Mira felt the familiar pang in her chest when Zoey said things like that. Like Mira doing the bare minimum to make sure her best friend didn't collapse was some kind of rare gift, treatment she had to earn. That had never sat right with Mira. It made her want to crawl into the dark recesses of Zoey's memories and fight everyone who had ever made her think she wasn't worthy of being cared for. Of being loved. But Mira had never been good with words and she couldn't change mistakes of the past so she'd learned to amend the present... she hoped it was enough.

She cleared her throat to fill the awkward silence that yawned after Zoey's words. "Someone has to make sure you survive until tomorrow's rehearsal."

Zoey let out a giggle that smoothed the harsh edges of Mira's quip. "Today wasn't that bad. Tomorrow will be better."

Mira quirked an eyebrow, sinking down into a deep squat and rolling her hips from side to side to loosen the tight joints. "Not that bad? You're shaking so hard you can't even open a water bottle. Hell, I'm sore and I've been dancing since I could walk. I hate these long days - I mean, how much do we really accomplish by the end of the week when we can barely stand?"

Zoey tilted her head to one side, looking Mira up and down like she was trying to decide if she meant something else. "You don't mean that, Mira. It's not that bad. I mean, yeah, it's not always fun but..."

Mira sighed again, gritting her teeth as she sat down and seamlessly transitioned into a butterfly stretch. "Really, Zo? Come on, even you have to admit that a whole week of eight-hour choreo rehearsal days is too much."

"Well... this week always builds character... that's for sure." Zoey tried weakly, chewing on her bottom lip in thought. "But we'll get through it. We always do."

Mira shook her head, extending one leg and reaching for her toes. "I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?" Zoey asked, bottle stilling halfway to her lips.

"Keep drinking." Mira didn't skip a beat, switching legs. She paused to make sure the maknae actually drank, grunting in approval. "I don't know how you stay so positive all the time."

Zoey shrugged offhandedly, averting her gaze. "It's just who I am, I guess."

Mira nodded like that made sense. "But why?" The question escaped before she could stop it.

"Why what?"

"Why..." Zoey was looking back at her now. It was Mira's turn to look away. She fixed her gaze studiously on the corner of the yoga mat as she rolled to one side, twisting her lower back and feeling a satisfying 'pop.' "Why are you so optimistic? Does it... does it make it easier?" She hated how small her voice sounded then.

"I-" Zoey paused, as if mulling over her next words. "Yes and no, I guess." Her voice was soft now, like she was placating Mira. And the dancer couldn't help but be grateful for it. Mira rolled to her other side, facing away from Zoey now. There was a long silence then. Mira waited for Zoey to fill it.

"I think... I think it's harder to be positive. But it makes things easier." Mira could imagine the way Zoey tilted her head to one side, gaze growing distant as she shared a piece of herself she had never put into words before. "People think that positivity is the same thing as naivety. Like looking on the bright side just means ignoring all the bad stuff. But that's not true. I think true optimism is seeing all the bad, acknowledging all the negative, but choosing to hope for better anyway. To work for the good you choose to see, no matter how small it is."

Mira nodded because she didn't know what else to say, rolling back over to face Zoey. Zoey met her gaze with soft eyes that glimmered in the dim studio lighting, heavy with a lesson Mira didn't realize she hadn't learned yet. "And that makes it easier?"

Zoey giggled then, but the moment wasn't lost. "Yeah. I mean, I could be like you and dread this week. Or I could just accept that it's gonna suck, but the longer it sucks, the closer it is to being over."

"Hm... never thought of it that way before." Mira got to her knees and bowed forward, letting her spine stretch as she sunk into the child's pose. "Don't know if you've noticed... but I'm not much of an optimist."

Zoey laughed but it wasn't cruel. "It's always the same with you self-proclaimed pessimists. You don't think you have it in you to be optimistic."

"I don't." Mira deadpanned into the yoga mat, peering under her outstretched arm to meet Zoey's mirthful glance.

"You do." Zoey hummed like she knew something Mira didn't. "Anytime I'm too broken to see the bright side... you remind me there's always something to hope for."

Mira sat up and rolled her eyes, but smiled at Zoey so the maknae knew she heard her words and they meant something. "Finish your water... or you'll be hoping for an IV tomorrow."

Mira knew that the moment hadn't meant as much to Zoey as it did to her. It was just a conversation between two exhausted girls after a long day, when they were too sore and dehydrated to speak anything but truths. She'd always thought that she and Zoey were opposites in so many ways... but the more she listened, the more she realized they were one and the same. Except Zoey was good and Mira didn't know how to be. And she didn't know what to do with that revelation besides learn from her best friend and become someone better. So she had resolved to be more optimistic.

But it was hard when it was this damn cold out.

It wasn't anyone's fault. Even Mira knew that. Which is why she refrained from swearing and complaining aloud even as the icy wind chilled her shaking fingers and she wiggled the toes she could no longer feel.

Bobby had briefed them on the ride over, twisting around from the passenger seat with anxiety written over his features like he'd lost control of something as tameable as the weather. "I'm so sorry girls - normally Sapporo is much warmer this time of year! There's a cold front moving in. The average temp prediction from the five weather apps I checked is negative one Celsius..." He trailed off, refreshing the feed on his phone like somehow that would change the conditions outside, biting his lip in worried frustration. "Everything is set up for the fan meet and greet outside, since the attendee prediction was more than the fire capacity of the building. Which is good - really - it's just... it's freezing. I'm not gonna lie to you. I was able to get some parkas on pretty short notice. But it might be a miserable couple of hours." He set his phone in his lap and wrung his hands awkwardly. "But no matter what, we'll have you done by four and I swear I'll have hot chocolate and blankets waiting for when you're done!"

Zoey had giggled at that, all sunshine even though the world outside was gray and cloudy and frigid. "It's okay, Bobby. Weather happens sometimes - it's not your fault. Days like today make the best stories!" She elbowed Mira good naturedly, smiling playfully. "Besides, we'll never turn down hot chocolate. Right, Mira?"

And Mira agreed because it was easy but she'd met Rumi's eye and knew that they were both thinking the same thing. Five hours of fan signings and selfies and unscripted chats with adoring fans when it was below freezing out? Not high on her list of 'good stories.' But Zoey's excitement was contagious... at least enough to stave off Mira's apprehension until she actually sat in the icy folding chair and struggled to scrawl her signature with shaking fingers.

But she was working on being more optimistic. Even when it was hard. Especially then, she realized with an internal grimace.

So she forced her tight facial muscles to relax into a soft smile and waved at the next pair of fans that was escorted up to her table. "Hiiiii!" She waved adoringly, watching as one girl burst into tears and her friend thrust their latest album and a pen towards Mira. "Who can I make the signature out-"

Mira saw a lot in her peripheral vision. She prided herself on her situational awareness. Rumi was perhaps the most oblivious person on the planet, despite her demon-enhanced senses and reflexes, and Zoey was always so easily distracted. Someone had to make sure the three of them didn't walk into oncoming traffic. That responsibility always fell to Mira.

She saw Bobby on the sidelines, fielding calls on their behalf and pacing anxiously like every involuntary shiver or sniffle from any of them was his fault. She glimpsed Rumi posing for a selfie with a group of fans, holding up a Korean heart with trembling red fingers. Her smile was a little off, like her cheeks were too frozen to widen her grin anymore. She saw past the pair of fans in front of her to the three throngs of people waiting to see their beloved Huntr/x idol of choice.

But she also saw Zoey, who was standing up and unzipping her parka with a bright grin on her face like not even the cold could touch her smile.

And Mira was hit with that same helpless pang. Because she knew exactly what Zoey was doing. And she couldn't stop it.

"Jiwon!" The girl in front of her sniffled. From tears or the cold, Mira couldn't tell.

"J-i-w-o-n." Her friend supplied helpfully, breathing into her cupped hands to warm them.

"Aren't you cold, Mira-nim? You've been out here for hours."

Mira snapped out of her distractedly worried state, bowing her head to scribble out a short message and her signature. "Uh- yeah. It's not so bad though. I was promised hot chocolate after this."

The first girl giggled, fumbling for her phone. "Would you be willing to take a picture with us?"

"Of course!" Mira answered automatically, finishing her signature with a shaky flourish. She stood, feeling the frigid metal chair creak beneath her like a protest, then padded out from around the table to pose with the two girls. They did a few different poses, smiling and silly, which Mira normally wouldn't oblige to, but she was too distracted by what she saw just a few meters away.

Zoey's parka was now draped around the shoulders of a young girl, whose small frame shook pitifully in the icy wind. The girl had little space buns in her hair that looked just like Zoey's. Tears streamed down her face as Zoey knelt beside her and zipped the comically large coat over her little body. As soon as Zoey had finished, the girl launched herself into Zoey's chest, little arms dwarfed in sleeves far too big for her wrapping around Zoey's neck while she sobbed into the maknae's embrace. Zoey looked taken aback for a moment before she wrapped the girl in a gentle hug, murmuring soft comforts even as she shivered in the cold. Mira fought the urge to scream.

"Thank you, Mira-nim! Stay warm!" The girls chorused, letting security escort them towards the exit.

Mira shakily made her way back to the chair, watching openly now as Zoey bid the girl a goodbye and stood, unable to suppress a full-body shudder as the cold truly sunk into her small frame. Zoey already ran cold and now she was left in only a hoodie and her baggy sweatpants that were both far too thin to keep out the icy chill that buffeted them. Zoey sat back down, curling in on herself to conserve what little heat she'd kept for herself. Then, as if she'd sensed Mira's intense gaze, she glanced over and gave her a sheepish wave.

"What the hell, Zoey?!" Mira hissed, quietly enough that the next group of fans about to be escorted forward didn't hear.

But Zoey winced, like she was more worried she'd disappointed Mira than the very real possibility of getting frostbite. "I- she was cold. I couldn't just- it's not that bad. Really. We're mostly done. And hot chocolate after!" She giggled. "I'm kinda wishing I had your Met Gala outfit on right now."

Mira grit her teeth so hard that her jaw began to ache. The worst part was that Zoey saw nothing wrong with freezing if it meant someone else would be warm. It was times like this that Mira was reminded how painfully good Zoey was and always would be. Even when it was hard. Especially then.

And Mira was helpless again because now there were three fans eagerly asking her for her signature and for selfies and for dancing tips and as much as she needed it to, her heart couldn't be in two places at once.

Fan interactions ticked by in minutes. Minutes ticked by in hours. And every short lull gave Mira hope that someone besides her would notice that their maknae was as pale as the snow that had been hastily shoveled aside ahead of their event, that Zoey was trembling so much that she kept dropping her pen, that her giggles and sweet words came in haltingly stilted gasps between chattering teeth. She was wearing an earpiece but it only worked one way - she could hear Bobby's occasional updates: "about halfway done!" "Hot chocolate has been ordered!" "You girls are doing great!" But he couldn't see over the throng of gathered fans - he didn't know that Zoey had given up her coat because that's who she was - selfless to the point of sacrifice if it meant someone else would be okay. He couldn't see the way her shivers had grown worse and worse over the last few hours, the way her skin was so pink it hurt Mira to look at, the way her smile was plastered on like it was frozen there. Because if he did see, he'd put a stop to the fan event until Zoey could feel her fingers again. But there was just too much chaos for anyone to do anything but watch their maknae slowly freeze under the weight of her kindness.

Every time there was a short lull, Mira tried to stand up, already unzipping her own parka, ready to drape it around Zoey's shuddering shoulders and rub warmth back into her until she could apologize without her breath hitching. But the escorts were bringing fan groups faster and faster, giving them almost no time to breathe between interactions. Mira heard Bobby's voice over her earpiece - "We're trying to get through the last few hundred fans as quickly as we can so we can wrap up by four o'clock like we planned."

They were almost done. That was the glimmer of hope that Mira could cling to now. Maybe Zoey was right - when she was too broken to hope for the best, Mira could. So she smiled and signed and posed like her heart wasn't thudding in worry. Suddenly, the way her own fingers shook didn't seem that bad.

A small eternity later, Bobby's voice came over their earpieces again. "Great job girls! Last fan group is on their way over! I'm heading down to get the hot chocolate now!"

"L-last o-one!" Zoey's voice, weak and small.

Mira glanced over and noticed with nothing short of horror that Zoey had stopped shivering. She was hunched in the chair now, elbows braced against the table like she was physically holding herself up. The worst part was that she was still smiling. Even now.

"Zoey! Where did your parka-" That was Rumi's sharp gasp and even sharper words.

But it was too little, too late. The next group of fans was here.

Mira signed and smiled and posed. If her responses were clipped, she didn't care at this point. She waved the small army of fans around her table a cursory goodbye, meeting Rumi's gaze as her unnie did the same. An understanding passed between them and it should've brought Mira comfort. But it didn't.

Zoey, even in her state, was still chatting with the last fans, but she was fading fast. She could barely speak, her words chattering and slurring and slipping over one another as they tumbled through lips too frozen to do anything but smile. Like her sunshine was a fixture instead of a burden. And that shouldn't have brought Mira comfort. But it did and she hated herself for it.

She was up and moving before she had any longer to think about it. Her fingers fumbled with her zipper, shaking from hours of signing in the cold, but adrenaline was warm and she pulled it down as she closed the gap between her and her hypothermic best friend. Rumi was there too, smiling sweetly, bidding the fans goodbye before Zoey would've because right now, some things were more important than the appearance of sunshine.

Mira didn't wait for the fans to trickle away before she wrenched off her own coat and wrapped it around Zoey's worryingly still frame. She hunched over the maknae, forcing her trembling hands to rub up and down Zoey's arms for warmth she didn't have to share.

"What the hell, Zo?" Mira breathed, fighting the urge to bundle her best friend in a hug and drag her somewhere warm and safe.

Rumi knelt on Zoey's other side, grasping weakly at Zoey's hands to warm them in her own. "You're freezing!"

Zoey shuddered once, like the newfound warmth was jarring. "I- I didn't- I'm sor-ry-"

"Shhh... just stop. We have to warm you up." Mira's voice broke despite her every effort to keep it even. "Why the hell would you do that, Zoey?"

Zoey tried to sit up, then, like she was overcome with a desperate need to comfort Mira. But her body was giving out. She let out a soft whimper, slumping forward. Mira lunged to catch her, cursing as cold tears began to well up in her eyes. Zoey's eyelids fluttered and her head lolled forward. Mira scrambled to support her, shaking slightly. "No, Zoey, don't close your eyes. Come on, stay with me."

Zoey blinked up at her with unfocused eyes, brow furrowed like she couldn't quite figure out what was going on. "M-ira..."

Mira shushed her, because if there was one thing she could do right it was this. They could admonish her later. Right now all Zoey needed was warmth. "Bobby has blankets inside. Can you walk?"

She didn't want to trust Zoey's answer, but the maknae looked up with unfocused eyes and nodded like it was the only response she could give. Mira exchanged a glance with Rumi, who luckily understood and shifted to Zoey's other side. They both wedged their arms under Zoey's, lifting with a sense of urgency, standing the poor girl on feet that were too frozen to bear her weight.

Zoey's knees buckled and she lurched forward, yelping as Mira and Rumi scrambled to catch her with their free hands. "S-sorry. I can't- I can't feel m-my-"

"Oh, Zoey..." Rumi sounded like she might cry.

"We've got you." Mira reassured, shifting to wrap her arm around Zoey's waist, keeping the parka secure. "We're gonna help you over to that door, okay? Then we'll get you warm."

Zoey nodded tiredly, head drooping like the fight had gone out of her the moment they promised warmth. She was letting them help and Mira would not take this for granted. In tandem with Rumi, they helped Zoey hobble on trembling legs to the makeshift green room Bobby had set up. Where he'd hopefully be waiting with blankets and heat packs and-

"Did- did Bobby get-" Zoey let out a pitiful whimper as she tried to slur out something through uncooperative lips. "H-hot chocolate?"

"He promised he would." Rumi swallowed harshly, her grip tightening on Zoey's other side. "Just hang in there, aein. We'll get you warmed up."

Zoey hummed in gratitude, leaning heavier and heavier into their support without meaning to. It made Mira's heart clench with something she was too afraid to voice aloud.

As they neared the door, Bobby burst out looking absolutely stricken. "Oh my God - Zoey, what happened? Are you okay? Did someone- what can I do?"

Mira locked eyes with Bobby and somehow that gave her the strength to explain without her voice breaking. "She gave her coat away two hours ago. She's freezing."

"Oh... Zoey..." Bobby looked like someone squeezed his heart. He ushered them towards the door, holding it open for them.

The warmth hit them like a wall but Mira was too anxious to let herself feel relieved. Zoey's knees buckled again and all three of them stumbled forward. Mira and Rumi awkwardly maneuvered Zoey to the couch that had been set up near the table laden with steaming cups of hot chocolate and other sweet treats Bobby had prepared for them.

Zoey collapsed onto the cushions with a soft noise of pain. She blinked up at them, eyes unfocused and glassy, like she was struggling to keep up with what was happening. Mira figured it was better that way, sinking onto the couch beside her. Zoey shivered again as she rubbed warmth back into her shoulders - it brought Mira some relief.

Bobby disappeared for a moment and came back with a fleece blanket big enough to wrap all three of them. "Take of your coats and hoodies. Trust me - skin-to-skin is the best way to warm up quickly. You don't have to strip all the way, but the more skin showing the better."

Mira nodded because Bobby knew things like this. She shrugged off the jacket she had on, unable to suppress the little shudder that ran through her as her body remembered how cold she was. Rumi fumbled with the zipper on her parka on Zoey's other side. Mira turned to the maknae, who was blinking at them hazily, shaking hands struggling to even start taking off her hoodie.

Mira felt another pang but this time she wasn't helpless. "Hold still." She coached, easing the sleeves off of Zoey's shaking arms. She lifted the hem of the hoodie up and over Zoey's head, nearly shrinking back from how cold Zoey's skin was to the touch.

"Th-thanks." Zoey managed, her lips twitching upward in the remnants of a smile.

Mira nodded because she didn't trust her voice, letting Bobby fuss over them and wrap the blanket around all three of their bodies. He was prattling on in the way that dads did when they were worried and trying to pretend they were anything but. Something about never again and a 10 degree minimum and stupid selfless kids. Her mind could fill in the rest of the blanks without truly listening, but she found comfort in the litany anyway.

Mira pressed herself to Zoey's side, ignoring how cold Zoey's arm felt against hers. She clutched Zoey's shaking hand between her own, hoping that as she warmed herself up, it would warm the maknae too. Rumi embraced Zoey from the other side, letting Zoey burrow into her chest like a cat in a patch of sun. Zoey let out a sigh of relief as something resembling warmth began to seep back into her frozen body. Rumi's half-demon heritage made her a human furnace - Mira had never been more grateful for her unnie's enhanced physiology.

The more Zoey warmed up, the more she shivered, like her body was remembering that it wasn't okay. Mira's heart cracked a little bit more each time Zoey's hand shuddered in hers, little fingers clenching against her own like it scared her too. Zoey's breaths hitched, like her diaphragm spasmed every time she tried to breathe too deeply. Mira's hand unconsciously crept up and rubbed small circles between Zoey's shoulder blades, hoping it helped. The helpless pang came again and Mira didn't have the guts to bury it this time.

"I- I'm sor-ry." Zoey finally said, swallowing harshly like it would stop her teeth from chattering. "I didn't th-think it was that c-cold."

"Yes you did." Mira surprised herself by saying. But it needed to be said, even if Zoey tensed under her. "You knew it was that cold. But you did it anyway."

"Did what?" Rumi asked, and Mira was reminded that she was the only one who saw. The one who should've done something but couldn't.

"Zoey gave her coat to a fan." Mira felt like it needed more explanation but it didn't.

"Th-they were c-cold. I couldn't- I-" Zoey tried to explain, but she was overwhelmed with pitiful little coughs that jolted her whole frame. Mira pressed harder as she continued rubbing gentle circles, pretending not to notice how Rumi looked away and blinked quickly.

"Zoey... I'm sorry, I should've noticed-" Bobby began, wringing his hands in the way that reminded Mira of Zoey sometimes. Far too eager to take on the burdens of others if it made things easier, even if they weren't the ones to blame.

"N-no!" Zoey forced out between coughs, shaking her head and trying to sit up. "I- It w-was-" She fell back in another coughing fit, gasping for breath in between her hacking spasms.

"No. We're not doing this right now." Mira said with finality, not pausing her ministrations. "You were being a good person. That's not why we're upset."

Even though Mira wasn't looking - she kept her gaze locked on her hands gently holding Zoey's beneath the blanket - she knew that the maknae was looking up at her with those sad eyes, like she thought she'd let everyone down. And that almost broke her but now was not the time to fix the wounds of the past. They needed to soothe the wounds of the present and hope that maybe, it could help the scars fade.

"We're not mad, Zoey. We know you. You're sunshine and selfless even when it hurts you. But you do things like this and it just reminds us that you don't think you matter." Mira sighed deeply and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. "You do. You do and I don't know how to prove it to you." She squeezed Zoey's hand. "Just let us help now. Please."

There was a long silence because Mira said what needed to be said and nobody had the courage to unpack what that entailed. But Zoey nodded, squeezing back, and Mira counted that as a small victory. It wasn't enough. But it was a start.

They sat on that couch for too long and not long enough. Zoey's shivers eased up enough for her to wrap her trembling fingers around a cup of hot chocolate, giggling shakily as she sipped and warmed herself from the inside out. Her cheeks gradually flushed with color and her skin went from frigid to cool. Not warm yet. But Zoey's smile was warm enough to make it easier.

And Mira didn't move. And even though her stomach churned with helpless regret and her mind raced with everything unspoken and her heart thudded with the desire to hold Zoey close until she believed that she deserved it... she chose to focus on that smile. Because Zoey had taught her that true optimism was seeing all the negative and choosing to hope anyway.

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The dull roar of the engine was comforting after a day packed with the chatter of fans. The heat was cranked up to full blast. Mira was sweating - she knew Rumi was warm too, but neither of them dared turn it down. For once, they all sat on the bench seat together. Normally, after long days like this, Zoey would flip flop between Mira and Rumi, curling up next to them and tugging their sleeves until they shared an earbud with her, but right now Zoey needed both of them.

The maknae was asleep. Or unconscious - Mira knew from experience how cold stole energy. She'd begun to drift off between them on the couch, head drooping as she melted into the warmth she'd found curled between them. She'd stirred when Bobby plucked the half-drank hot chocolate from her limp fingers, smiling sheepishly like she didn't have the energy to apologize and was sorry for that too.

She was still trembling. Mira's heart clenched with every shiver that plagued Zoey's exhausted frame. Her head was pillowed against Mira's shoulder, her breaths escaping in soft puffs. Stray flyaways loosed from her messy space buns tickled Mira's cheek, but the dancer didn't dare move. Rumi was tracing gentle patterns into the space between Zoey's shoulder blades, a habit that seemed to soothe the unnie more than the maknae. Her jaw was set in a way Mira recognized - she knew what Rumi was thinking. She was thinking the same thing. It didn't make it any easier. But they held her now and that had to mean something.

"Girls." Bobby's tired voice broke through the silence that was anything but peaceful. "Look at this."

Rumi reached forward and took Bobby's proffered phone, eyes widening as she scrolled through what looked like X. Tears sprang to her lashes and Rumi didn't bother blinking them away. Her free hand rose to her mouth, pressing against her pursed lips like she could hold back the emotion that was already spilling free.

Mira waited patiently because that's all she could do.

Finally, Rumi handed it over with a strangled exhale, like she was trying not to cry. Mira levered the phone in her free hand awkwardly and squinted down to see what they'd been looking at.

Trending Hashtag: #warmthforZoey

There was post after post with the hashtag - coat drives being organized by other idols, pictures of Zoey at the event taken by concerned fans, shivering but still smiling. At the bottom was a post from a grateful mother. A picture of a little girl with messy space buns with a parka far too big for her.

"Hana visited Zoey from Huntr/x today. We didn't expect it to be so cold, but Zoey didn't hesitate to give my little girl her own warmth. We will never forget her kindness. I know Hana will grow into this parka someday, but I can only hope that her heart fills it too. Thank you, Zoey."

Mira cried then. Small, soft sobs. Her shoulders shook only slightly, but it didn't matter. Zoey was too far gone to wake now. She handed Bobby's phone back wordlessly, wondering if the gratitude from thousands made it worth it.

She glanced down at the sleeping maknae, shivering even in unconsciousness. Mira squeezed her hand tighter. When Zoey was too broken to look on the bright side, it was Mira's job to give her something worth hoping for. Maybe this - the world seeing her kindness and paying it forward tenfold - could be enough.

Chapter Text

It was late and dark and peaceful. Everything Rumi had always craved but refused to let herself wish for. For most of her life, Rumi had spent her days dreading the nights. Her life was a cycle of living a lie and reckoning with the truth.

She used to let her smile drop the moment she locked her door, her room a prison rather than a sanctuary. She'd anxiously turn on the fairy lights and lamps and nightlights, the artificial brightness barely enough to drown out the colors that flickered on the walls when she shed her layers. She'd let the cold air meet her overheated skin, squeezing her eyes shut so she wouldn't glimpse the patterns of her shameful heritage, the constant reminder that she was nothing but a demon. The thoughts of self-loathing would eventually lull her to sleep, but she'd wake far too early. Early enough to cover up the perpetual bags beneath her bloodshot eyes and pick an outfit to cover the truth. And she'd dance through a day of distractions and smiles and convince herself for a moment that this was the life she deserved to live... until she locked the door behind her once again.

But now, she leaned against the sliding glass doorframe in her cropped oversized tee and sleep shorts, glimpsing the starbursts of pink and purple that danced across her walls. Her fingers tightened infinitesimally around the steaming mug of chamomile tea in her grasp, a small comfort that had now become routine instead of a rare treat. Her room was cool and dark and quiet - the bustling noise of the city existed far below them now. Her gaze roamed over the skyline she'd learned by heart, watching the iridescent colors of the Honmoon flicker to match her patterns.

It was part of her now. The more she pondered it, the less she understood. She had shattered the old Honmoon and together, with Mira and Zoey, built a new one. Perhaps it came from their heartfelt harmonies... that was the best explanation they could come up with together. But part of Rumi knew it was built from something deeper than sound. Because sometimes, when Zoey giggled, the Honmoon flickered gold. When she took the first bite of the warm tteokbokki Mira would painstakingly make them even after demanding practices, the Honmoon would light up with pink. And on nights like this, when she finally felt at peace, it thudded purple to the beat of her heart. The Honmoon was made of the parts of them that resonated with the millions of souls they protected, the parts of them that were vulnerable and human, the parts of them that they shared with one another and found solace in. Something that was deeper than Rumi or Mira or Zoey could possibly imagine. And Rumi had made peace with that.

She took another sip.

There was a small part of her that dimly realized she had never imagined this as a possibility. She used to avoid thinking of the future with the childish hope for a happy ending, instead forcing herself to compartmentalize the future into rigid schedules and obstacles to overcome to reach the end goal that had been instilled in her since she could remember. Turn the Honmoon golden. Seal demons away forever. Make her patterns disappear so she could finally live like the girl they all see. Live a truth that she desperately needed to become reality. But why? To amend a mistake that was never her fault? To make up for who she was cursed to be?

On some nights, when the voices in her head were quiet and the echoes of Mira and Zoey's loyalty were loud, she allowed herself to dream. And when she let her mind imagine a future, it always ended one of two ways. Her patterns were revealed and she was torn apart by her lies... or they turned the Honmoon golden and she could live the life she'd always wanted to.

But this... this was better than any future her broken heart could have hoped for.

It had taken work to get here. Blood, sweat, tears. She remembered stumbling home after the Idol Awards, supported between Mira and Zoey because her legs had long given out. They were all broken and bleeding, filled with questions that didn't have answers and apologies they couldn't bear to speak. But sometimes the needs of the body outweighed the needs of the mind so they slept. Tangled in a sprawl of bruised limbs and messy hair on the couch, still in their transformed stage outfits, the hum of the new Honmoon bringing peace to hearts that had shattered to a million pieces and somehow, had a chance of moving past it.

The next afternoon brought crying and comfort. They hadn't woken until the sun hung low in the sky. Mira had been the first one to wake, disentangling herself and waking Rumi in the process. In her half-asleep exhaustion, Rumi remembered being afraid that Mira was leaving - after everything they'd been through - but she returned with a first aid kit and began cleaning the gashes along Rumi's arms in reverent silence, tracing the patterns with gentle fingertips like she was checking to see if they were still real. The apology was unspoken but the relief was palpable. When she'd finished, Rumi helped Mira ease her strained shoulder into a makeshift sling. And after, Mira locked eyes with Rumi and they'd both turned to their sleeping maknae. Mira softly shook her awake and Zoey startled, trying to sit up, looking around wildly with fear dancing in her sleepy, unfocused eyes, but Rumi pulled her back down into an embrace and forced her to just stay while Mira patched up the red scrapes on her elbows and the sprained ankle that they only knew about because it had already begun to swell. Zoey just blinked up at Rumi in awe as the memories came back... and when they sunk in, Rumi held her as she sobbed apologies into her chest.

They said everything that needed to be said and left nothing unanswered. Mira and Zoey apologized for raising their weapons against her - Mira through thick shame and Zoey through helpless tears. She didn't blame them - they'd been taught to fear the patterns the same way she'd been taught to hate them. As far as they knew, Rumi truly was a demon. Rumi revealed the truth of her patterns, what had happened before she saved them from Gwi-Ma's control. When she got to the part where she asked Celine to do what she should have done years ago, Zoey went still in her arms, turning to look at her with an expression so heartbroken that it brought tears to Rumi's eyes. Mira cursed under her breath, pulling Rumi into an embrace so tight that any doubt she had that they might hate her was squeezed out of her heart. She told them about Jinu and why he sacrificed himself. They opened their phones and saw messages from Celine and Bobby and unending notifications of fans speculating what happened between Huntr/x and the Saja Boys that night.

They figured out the details as they encountered them. Rumi's patterns became birthmarks she'd always been ashamed of but finally decided to embrace. She was met with nothing but support from their fans and even gained traction as a poster idol for fans with conditions like vitiligo. Celine explained what she could to Bobby and together they worked to cover up the PR nightmare that was that night. With a couple NDA's and the announcement of their new single "What It Sounds Like" they were able to market the unconventional performances as a surprise collaboration with the Saja Boys and the promotion of their upcoming album after their hiatus. They were given a few weeks off (as promised) to figure out what their new lives would look like. It was long enough for most of the drama to blow over - occasionally Zoey would send them a fan theory video breaking down the events of that night and coming to some wild conclusion like Huntr/x were government spies or that aliens had hypnotized the audience and abducted the Saja Boys. She supposed, begrudgingly, that the latter wasn't far from the truth. But for the most part, fans moved on, especially as they got back to songwriting and teased their comeback album.

There were things Rumi had to learn in this new life. Zoey insisted that they shop for a new wardrobe for Rumi. She'd only cried twice in the dressing room and both times they were there to reassure her. She'd had conversations with Celine, working to rebuild a relationship that had always been fractured. They all made changes - Mira went back to therapy and Zoey took a few days to visit her favorite haunts in Burbank. Even Bobby asked them questions about demons and demon hunting, making sure to pencil in more rest days for their upcoming tours now that he learned of their secret pastime.

The Honmoon wasn't sealed. This new Honmoon was stronger than before, but not impenetrable. Rumi wondered if that was for a reason, now that they knew the truth. That demons were once people that had traded their souls for personal gain. But Jinu had proven that demons could be redeemed. And part of her still held hope that she'd see him again. It didn't make it any less scary when they felt the new Honmoon tear for the first time. They'd all felt it like their hearts dropped into their stomachs and the breath was stolen from their lungs. But when they summoned their weapons, they felt them come from within instead of from the Honmoon. And when they sang, dispatching the Gwishin that poured through the minute tear in the abandoned industrial district, they could feel the Honmoon stitch itself back together, like a living part of their souls.

That wasn't the only thing that changed. Rumi could feel them now. Mira and Zoey. It was almost as if they were all intertwined, inextricably connected through the Honmoon. When Mira danced, losing herself in what Zoey called her 'flow state,' something in her heart sang. When Zoey smiled one of her real smiles - not the bright one she plastered on far too often for their sakes; the little one that was slightly lopsided and a little gummy, the innocent grin that lit up the room - the Honmoon rippled and it was like her soul thrummed with energy. When Rumi lost herself in those self-deprecating thoughts that sometimes overwhelmed her and locked herself away, Mira and Zoey inevitably burst in. They told her it felt like a piece of them was breaking, the part of their hearts that belonged to Rumi. It was comforting and it was scary but it was real. And Rumi wouldn't have it any other way.

Knock knock knock.

Three quick little raps at the door. Hesitant and soft and unobtrusive. She knew exactly who stood on the other side. Rumi tore her gaze away from the iridescent Honmoon that glossed over the skyline, glancing at the clock on her nightstand. 11:38pm. Late, but not too late for the excitable maknae that often lost track of time, scrolling through turtle videos or hyperfocusing during a midnight songwriting session when inspiration struck.

"Come in!" She called softly, taking another sip of her cooling tea. She knew the door was unlocked.

The door opened with a creak and she heard the muffled scuffs of Zoey's socked feet on the carpeted floor. Rumi's gaze had found the Honmoon again, drawing comfort from the ripples of color. She expected the younger girl to begin chattering about whatever new idea or random thought had popped into her mind, a small smile even spreading across her face in anticipation. This was the normalcy she didn't know she could've always dreamed of.

But then the peaceful silence was shattered by a soft sniffle.

Rumi whirled to face her maknae, who stood a few meters away at the foot of her bed, gaze fixed on the floor. From the bright lights of the city outside, she could make out that Zoey was shuffling anxiously from foot to foot, sleeves of her oversized hoodie balled up in her shaking hands, frazzled waves escaping from loose space buns framing her face and making her look years younger. The reflection of the city lights glinted off of the tear tracks that trickled down Zoey's cheeks even as the maknae tried so hard to stifle the sobs that weighed on her chest.

"Oh, Zoey! What's wrong, aeni?" Rumi crossed the space between them in two quick strides, hands hovering anxiously close to Zoey's shaking frame. She wanted to wrap the girl in a hug, but she didn't know what was going on. "Are you hurt? Do you need me to call Dr. Lim?" She was dimly aware that her patterns began pulsing faster, flushing the room in an anxious lilac.

Zoey opened her mouth like she wanted to respond, but quickly clamped it shut, teeth sinking into her chapped bottom lip like she'd been stifling sobs for quite some time tonight. Rumi's heart clenched and she hesitantly squeezed Zoey's shoulder for support, grateful that the maknae didn't flinch away in pain or fear. That was a good sign... maybe. She decided to think so for now.

"Zoey, sweetheart, what's going on?" She squeezed again, stooping slightly so she could look the shorter girl in the eye.

Zoey's gaze flickered up to her, swirling with anguish. She looked pale, freckles prominent in the light of Rumi's patterns. Her lips parted and she finally said, "I- I need to talk. To- to you." The maknae's voice was fragile and weak and heavy with a sadness far too heavy for the girl to carry alone.

Rumi nodded like she understood and ignored the way that indigo flooded over her patterns and mixed with the anxious lilac. "Okay. Can we sit?"

Zoey nodded and her expression loosened slightly, giving the illusion of relief. The tears didn't slow, though. If anything, more welled in the maknae's anguished eyes. Rumi felt a pang but she forced it away, bringing her other hand up to squeeze Zoey's other shoulder. She slowly guided the maknae to the edge of her bed, coaxing her to sit with gentle murmurs. Zoey shakily perched on the edge of the bed, turning slightly and bringing her knees to her chest, wrapping her shaking arms around them. Her expression looked absolutely haunted and Rumi was struck with the overwhelming urge to hurt whoever made Zoey feel this way. She had the frightening thought that maybe it was her own fault.

Rumi made her way to the other side of the bed, pulling the cover back enough to sit and cover her exposed legs. She kept Zoey at a respectful distance even though it pained her, but it was easy to do on Rumi's obscenely large mattress. They had sleepovers sometimes, even though they all had their own rooms. It had started after Mira had gotten sick during their trainee years, and Rumi and Zoey stayed together on pop-up cots across the room, taking turns staying awake to make sure Mira's fever didn't climb too high and she took her medicine on time. Once, Zoey had gotten hurt after taking a nasty hit for Mira. She was unconscious for days, waking only in brief bouts at a time, and both Rumi and Mira refused to let her wake up alone. After tough battles where they lost innocent souls, after long shows, on movie nights, sometimes just because... they had sleepovers to remind each other that no matter what the world demanded of them, they'd always have each other. They would always have a home as long as they were together. They would always be family.

Those sleepovers meant something different after the Idol Awards. Because now, Rumi had nothing to hide. She could believe the refuge and solace she found in the loyalty of her two best friends, take comfort in the love they so freely offered. They usually slept in Rumi's room because she had the biggest mattress. Rumi would sleep on the left and Mira would sleep on the right. And Zoey would curl up at the foot of the bed but somehow always ended up sandwiched between the two with a content smile on her sleeping face.

Because Zoey found comfort in touch. It was something Rumi had to get used to in the beginning of their friendship. For her whole life, Rumi had thought of platonic touches as a necessity. Celine would help her patch training wounds or braid her hair. Rarely ever did they hug or cuddle, especially as Rumi grew older. But overnight, when Zoey entered Rumi's life, touch meant something different. Zoey was always there, grabbing Rumi's hand excitedly as they wandered the city or shopped for groceries, squeezing her shoulder in support after a tough choreography practice or training session, offering high fives after she nailed her high notes during a performance, reassuringly touching her upper arm whenever Rumi got lost in her own head, hugging her whenever they parted ways or Rumi 'looked like a lost puppy.' And overnight, those gestures that were so purely Zoey became something Rumi sought. It made her happy that Zoey trusted her so deeply and loved so openly, so purely. And it gave Rumi a sense of normalcy she'd always craved; a reminder that it was okay to be young and together and human.

But when Zoey was upset like this, sometimes she didn't want to be touched. On bad days, when Zoey listened to the voices in her head that told her she was too much and not enough, she withdrew from them, shying away from the comfort they offered until she was so empty that she needed it. Sometimes, during vulnerable moments, when Zoey was lost in thought or distracted, she would flinch from their touches, evidence of a body that remembered a past the mind tried to bury. So Rumi and Mira learned to navigate what Zoey needed. They weren't perfect, but they were learning and that was enough.

And the way Zoey curled in on herself, nothing visible but her shaking knees and her sleeves balled up in clenched fists and tears leaking from lost, anguished eyes... Rumi knew that she needed to give Zoey the space to process for now, even though she wanted nothing more than to hug the maknae until she could ground herself in the here and now and know - even if just for a moment - how loved she was.

Rumi's mind whirled like an anxious Rolodex. Recalling memories of the day, retracing Zoey's schedule, wondering what could have made her so upset. From what she remembered, it'd been a normal day. Busy - packed with choreo rehearsal in the morning and then an afternoon pop-up fan event and then vocal recording sessions in the afternoon. Mira had made them dinner that night - rice porridge with vegetables. Something easy on the stomach after a day full of effort and exhaustion. Zoey had even surprised them with strawberry mochi. They'd gone to bed early. Or so she thought. But Zoey was here and she was breaking and she didn't know how to help-

"I-" Zoey hiccuped, drawing in a shuddering breath like she was trying to mend the words that had already broken before she spoke them aloud. "I need to know. Please."

"Know what?" Rumi asked, leaning forward, hoping that it was something she could answer and assuage.

"That- that night." Another shuddering breath. "After we... after we raised our weapons and you-" Zoey bit back a sob and Rumi felt her heart drop.

Healing wasn't linear. They'd all broken down about that night in the weeks that followed. Usually it was Rumi, waking from nightmares where demon Mira and demon Zoey spoke lies that she'd learned to believe. Sometimes it was Mira, struck with sudden panic and overwhelming guilt when she remembered how it felt to raise her gok-do at one of her best friends. Very rarely was it Zoey, but usually it involved inconsolable tears and a near-constant litany of apologies she didn't owe anyone that didn't slow until she fell asleep in absolute exhaustion. Every time, they were there for each other. Healing wounds not only with words, but by reassuring one another that they could be vulnerable, that they could break, and the others would help put them back together.

"Zoey, I've already forgiven you for that." Rumi tried, reaching out with one hand to hesitantly touch Zoey's back. "You couldn't have known. You didn't even know if it was me. I don't blame you or Mira. I know you'd never-"

Zoey flinched away from her touch, involuntary but desperate. She shook her head, more tears pooling in her eyes as she swallowed harshly. "No! No - after that. When you went-" Zoey sat up, aggressively straightening her legs and pushing up the cuffs of her sleeves so she could clench Rumi's sheets with shaking fingers, desperate for something to anchor herself to. "When you went to Celine. You asked her to do what she should've always done." A sob escaped Zoey and Rumi didn't know what else to say. This was something that Zoey needed but it hurt to watch the sweet maknae fall apart like this. "I have to know, Rumi. Did you- did you mean it?"

Ice spread across Rumi's chest as she inhaled sharply, her patterns flickering in shock at Zoey's question. She waited for Zoey to elaborate, to take it back, but those few seconds of anxious silence held her answer. Of all the things Zoey could've asked... why this?

"N-no." Rumi stammered honestly, shaking her head and trying to come up with some semblance of a response. "I didn't really want her to do it."

Zoey let out a strangled noise then, a keening wail that cut deep. "I don't believe you!" More tears poured from Zoey's eyes as she hunched forward, chest heaving from the sobs she refused to let out.

"No, Zo, I promise I didn't want Celine to do it. I don't- I'm sorry, I never really explained that." Rumi hurriedly backtracked, words tumbling out quickly as her chest tightened. "After you- after the Idol Awards... I thought I lost everything. The Honmoon was breaking. I felt you and Mira fall under Gwi-Ma's control. Jinu had betrayed me and I thought... I thought I ruined everything. It was my fault that we failed when we were so close to sealing the Honmoon." She had never spoken this truth aloud, but it took shape because it was honest. "I didn't know what else to do. I went to Celine because - well - maybe she could fix it. Maybe she knew the way. But she looked at me like I was a-" Rumi swallowed hard, looking down at the patterns that flickered on her palms. "Like I was a demon. And I realized I had become everything she feared. I think there was a part of me that thought if I was gone... maybe that sacrifice would be enough to fix the Honmoon. But it wouldn't have been. I know that now. It was a stupid thought and I was just desperate and scared and I thought there was no other way." A tear dripped down, falling to her wrist. The purple that had begun to trickle into the indigo and lilac refracted in the small drop. When had she started crying? "But I didn't. She refused and I suddenly realized that I wanted to live. I wanted to save you and Mira. I wanted to live this life, Zoey. I never... I never wanted to die. I promise." Rumi exhaled shakily and looked up to see Zoey staring at her with tear-filled eyes and an expression of remorse and pity and disbelief.

"Rumi." Zoey's voice was broken. "That's never the answer."

Rumi nodded emphatically. "I know that now, I promise."

Zoey let out something close to a whimper, biting her lip again and averting her gaze, like Rumi had said exactly what she was afraid of. "Please don't."

"Don't what?"

"Promise things that aren't true."

Zoey's reply hit her like a brick to the chest. Rumi inhaled sharply, wondering what Zoey could possibly mean by that. She shakily extended her hand, placing it hesitantly over Zoey's. Zoey's hand was ice cold, gripping the sheets in trembling fingers like she couldn't bear to let go. But she didn't flinch away. Rumi hoped that her warmth helped.

"Zoey... why don't you believe me?" Rumi finally asked, scooching slightly closer so Zoey would know that she was there for her. Like Zoey always did for Rumi no matter what.

But Zoey shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as more tears leaked out.

"No, Zoey. Please - you came to me for a reason and I want to know why." Rumi didn't back down, risking a slight reassuring squeeze with her hand that still covered Zoey's.

"Because those thoughts don't go away." The maknae's voice was rough, each word scraping through a raw throat.

"What... what thoughts?" Rumi's overactive mind was beginning to piece together a heartbreaking picture that she hoped desperately wasn't the truth.

Zoey made a move to pull her hand away but Rumi held fast, soft but firm.

"No, Zoey. Please... let me be there for you, too."

There was a long silence. It was so quiet, Rumi wondered if Zoey could hear her thudding heart. But she was determined to give Zoey the time she needed. She could wait hours if that's what it took for Zoey to voice the thoughts she constantly tamped down for their sakes.

"I- I just-" Zoey exhaled shakily and raised her free hand to run it through her already tousled hair, a nervous habit that drove her hairstylists crazy but was endearing to Mira and Rumi. But in this moment, it made her look awfully young and vulnerable and Rumi felt the lump in her throat swell tenfold.

"I'm really scared." Zoey blurted out finally, like it was the only way the words would come out. When Rumi didn't react, she continued in a desperate ramble, like she'd pulled the plug so that all of Zoey's anxieties could drain out. "I'm scared because I know that once you think that it's an option... your thoughts are never the same again. And sometimes it's okay because you can distract yourself and pretend that you never thought about it. But then things get hard again and you wonder if that's the right answer. If everyone would be better off without you. And the more you think it, the more real it becomes. And sometimes it feels selfish to choose anything other than-" Zoey slammed a hand over her mouth, more tears spilling out like she said too much.

And Rumi's heart stopped because suddenly she realized that Zoey wasn't entirely talking about her.

"Zoey-"

"N-no." Zoey said through the fingers that were still splayed over her trembling lips. "Please, I- I have to say this."

Rumi nodded and blinked back the tears that threatened to fall from her own eyes, squeezing Zoey's hand because that's all she could do.

"I can't believe you because I- because I'm scared that you believe you. And what if things get hard again? And you... and you think about doing that? And I would never forgive myself if you..." Zoey swallowed harshly, her next words escaping as hoarse squeaks. "It'd be my fault."

"Zoey no..." Rumi couldn't take it anymore. She closed the gap between them and was filled with relief when Zoey didn't flinch away. She pulled Zoey close so that the maknae's forehead rested in the notch on her sternum, wrapping her strong arms around Zoey's shaking form. She ran her fingers up and down Zoey's back, feeling how Zoey was still trying so hard not to break down, not to dissolve into sobs, to be strong for Rumi.

Rumi was never good with words. She could sing high and low, but words were for Zoey. Zoey was their lyricist, their rapper, their maknae. Words spilled from her mouth, from her pen, with a gleeful innocence that reminded Rumi that songs were just stories and metaphors and truths wrapped in words that touched hearts. It was Zoey that had told her once, 'I can think a million things at a time, but I can only say one thing at a time. And I can only write one word at a time." Words were Zoey's to play with, to manipulate, to spin into elaborate songs and beautiful poems and sweet reassurances. It was Zoey that brought her back from an edge the maknae never knew Rumi stood on more times than the unnie could count. It was Zoey that had rewritten 'Takedown' into a rap-ballad song about accepting herself. It was Zoey that got through to Mira when she was angry and closed off. It was Zoey that broke the awkward silences. It was Zoey that knew how to care and comfort and reassure like it was second nature.

Rumi did not have that gift. But Zoey was falling apart in her arms and she couldn't do anything but watch. It was like witnessing a car crash in slow motion, seeing the glass shatter and the strong metal crumple under the weight of something inevitable. But Rumi held her anyway.

"I don't ever want you to feel that way too." Zoey managed between stifled sobs, murmuring the sentiment into Rumi's chest as she cried.

But that broke something in Rumi.

"Zoey." She swallowed harshly but the lump in her throat remained. "I need you to be honest with me, too. Please." Zoey stiffened beneath her but didn't pull away. Rumi doubted the maknae had the energy to. "Do you... do you think that me and Mira and- and the world... would be better off without you?"

Zoey's breath hitched and she tried to pull away but Rumi wouldn't let her. "I-" The maknae struggled slightly, shrinking back. "This isn't about me."

"It is." Rumi pleaded, loosening her grip just enough so Zoey could look up and see the sincerity and worry in her eyes. "Zoey, please. I need you to answer me."

"I-" Something behind Zoey's eyes broke. Something small, but Rumi felt it. She saw it. And Zoey nodded. That was all she needed.

"That's not true. That's never been true and that's never going to be true." Rumi was desperate, cursing her inability to use words like Zoey could. "Zoey- how long-"

Zoey shook her head now, rueful and apologetic. "It doesn't matter."

"It DOES! Zoey- please-" Tears sprang to Rumi's eyes and she didn't bother wiping them away. "You came to me for a reason tonight and I- I promise you that I will never do anything like that again. But this is different. You're talking like you- like-"

"I'm sorry." Zoey croaked, trying to pull away again but Rumi pulled her in closer. "I didn't- I didn't mean to-"

"Didn't mean to what? Tell me? Zoey-" Rumi fought down her emotions because if there's one thing she'd learned to do it was compartmentalize. "Zoey. How long?"

Zoey shifted uncomfortably like she knew she'd have to answer. "I- it doesn't matter."

"It does to me." Rumi inhaled shakily. "Do you... do you believe that now?"

"Not all the time." Zoey's voice was exhausted and broken but real. "It's... it's like I said before. Once you consider doing something like that, the thoughts never go away. Not really. And part of you starts to believe that maybe-" She forcefully cut herself off, looking up at Rumi with such guilt. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- I just wanted you to-"

"I know." Because she did. "I know you would never tell me this unless it was an accident. I know you never want to hurt me even if it hurts you. But Zoey..." Rumi trailed off, trying to figure out how to get through to the girl who somehow managed to love everyone but herself. "This isn't something you can handle alone. It isn't something you should ever have to deal with by yourself. I'm sorry I never-"

"No!" Zoey shook her head emphatically, eyes wide and round and pleading. "It's not your job to know."

And Rumi had a million things she wanted to say in that moment. She wanted to pull Zoey close and hold her and whisper all of the things she loved about her until Zoey finally started to believe it. She wanted to get Mira and sit all three of them down until Zoey talked through her feelings. She wanted to call Bobby and Celine and beg them to find a therapist like they had for Mira, one that would help Zoey believe she was worthy of the same love and care she gave to everyone else. She wanted to shake Zoey until she stopped apologizing and admitted she wasn't okay. But she couldn't. Because she didn't have the words to.

And Zoey was so tired. Rumi looked into the maknae's eyes and she saw how glossy they were in the dim light, tired from hours of crying, eyelids weighed down by emotions she refused to voice. Her body was shaking in exhaustion, head drooping forward even as she struggled to return Rumi's concerned stare.

There was so much that needed to be asked. To be said. To be talked about. To be figured out.

But Rumi didn't know how to. And she knew that right now - when Zoey was broken and Rumi was afraid and Mira was asleep - it was not the time. Even if it needed to be.

So she drew Zoey into a long hug, letting the younger girl bury her face in Rumi's shoulder, her cold tears soaking the thin fabric. She stroked Zoey's back with one hand, letting the other undo Zoey's haphazard space buns and comb out the tousled waves.

"Zoey. Aeni." Rumi took a shuddering breath but kept her voice measured, soothing, not stopping her ministrations for even a heartbeat. "Thank you for telling me. I know you didn't mean to... but regardless of whether you believe me, I want to be there for you. Please... give me the chance to prove that."

Zoey's breaths hitched and she peered up at Rumi through aching, tired, tearful eyes. "Can you promise me something?" Her voice was hoarse, barely a whisper, wrung out from crying tears that had been held back for far too long.

"Anything."

"If you ever feel... like that. Will you tell me?"

Rumi nodded without thinking. "Always."

And part of her hated that it brought Zoey so much relief. The maknae sighed like a small weight was lifted off her chest, slumping infinitesimally more into Rumi's gentle embrace. Even after everything... she never wanted anyone to feel that pain. She cared more about Rumi than she did herself... something Rumi could do nothing but feel guilty for.

"Could you promise me something too?" Rumi asked softly, shifting slightly so Zoey was more comfortable.

"Hm?" Zoey hummed. She was fading fast - her body collapsing under the weight of her exhaustion and emotions.

"When you feel like that... will you tell me?"

"I'll try..."

And right now, Rumi couldn't bear to ask for anything more. She didn't know how to. So she just continued to comfort Zoey the only way she could - by being there when she was vulnerable, staying to help her get the rest she needed, promising something to bring the girl peace after she'd shattered in her arms.

It only took a few minutes. Zoey melted into the touch, ragged gasps and strangled sobs slowly deepening and lengthening until slumber claimed the exhausted lyricist. Rumi continued her ministrations though, feeling Zoey's body twitch every so often, hypnic jerks that reminded her that her sunshine wasn't okay.

She gently turned, guiding Zoey's body to lay against the pillows beside her. Now that her hands were free, she drew the comforter up and tucked it around Zoey's shoulders, heart clenching when the maknae curled into the warmth even in sleep, unconsciously searching for comfort even now. Rumi swiped under her own eyes and shimmied under the blanket, pressed against Zoey's back so that she could feel the younger girl breathe, so that she could feel if she moved in the middle of the night, or had a nightmare or woke up crying. Zoey deserved that. Someone to stay.

But sleep would not come to Rumi. The clock on her nightstand ticked long past 2am. 3am. Thoughts swirled like heavy eddies in her racing mind. Zoey had come to her like this, worried for Rumi. They hadn't talked about the events of the Idol Awards in weeks now. How long had Zoey been carrying this? Alone?

Zoey never really talked about her past. Never retold silly childhood stories or regaled them with tales of America besides the occasional fact about Waffle House or US traditions and holidays. Like when she'd begged them to celebrate Christmas and cried when they surprised her with a tree complete with ornaments and lights and tinsel. But over the years, Rumi had picked up on many things that Zoey would never say. It painted a picture that hurt to think about. Divorced parents. An alcoholic father. An absent mother. A neglectful childhood spent molding herself into someone worthy of love that was always deserved. Relentless bullying. Things that made Rumi wish she could kill the demons of Zoey's past as easily as she killed demons in the present with her saingeom. But Zoey had spent her life being sunshine, shining so brightly that nobody ever stopped to ask what her smile hid.

Not even Rumi. Her leader. Her unnie. How long had Zoey struggled with thoughts like this? She was struck with the painful memory of kneeling before Celine, offering up her iridescent saingeom with desperate urgency. Do what you should've done a long time ago. Before I destroy what I swore to protect. Please. Do it!

She hadn't lied to Zoey - she hadn't wanted to die. She thought it was the only way. She just didn't know how to live. And now... after everything... she'd never give this up. She'd spend the rest of her life grateful for this. For them. For herself.

But after Mira and Zoey had raised their weapons at her, after Jinu betrayed her, after the Honmoon fragmented and she lost everything... she remembered how it felt. For a moment, she truly believed that everyone would be better off without her. And she'd never forget how her heart shattered then.

Was that what Zoey felt? Had she spent a lifetime worrying that she was too much, not enough... that everyone would be better off without her? That she didn't deserve-

Rumi bit down on her knuckle, watching purple and pink and violent yellow flicker on the ceiling above her as she fought back sobs. She wouldn't wake Zoey. Not now.

Rumi hadn't even asked what Gwi-Ma said to make Zoey fall under his control. She knew Mira and Zoey fought after she ran away, but she never asked if Zoey was okay. She'd never asked about Zoey's past, thinking that she would rather not talk about it. But what if she needed to? What if she always had?

What if she hadn't come to Rumi tonight? What if Rumi had already been asleep? What was Zoey thinking about that had her broken like this? Why was she so worried about Rumi when she seemed so intent at breaking herself to pieces like she deserved it?

How could she fix this? How could Rumi find the words to mend a wound that ran so deep? How could she convince Zoey that it was okay to not be okay, that they didn't need sunshine... they just needed her?

Because she knew that when the sun rose, Zoey would wake up and apologize. She would bounce out to the kitchen and make coffee the way Rumi liked it. She might slip away to shower or turn on a K-drama so she could avoid Rumi's sorry attempts at questions. She wouldn't breathe a word of it to Mira. And if Rumi ever managed to ask, Zoey would deny that this night ever happened, waving off the comfort she so desperately deserved and truly needed with a smile that might fool everyone but herself.

Because Zoey was sunshine. Even when she was broken.

That was what haunted Rumi the most now. Because just moments before... Rumi was at peace. She was watching the Honmoon and drinking tea and reflecting on how grateful she was that everything was normal. But Zoey was breaking. And Rumi had no idea. The Honmoon hadn't flickered, hadn't changed its gentle lullaby, hadn't lost its golden tinge that represented Zoey...

And Rumi knew why. Because this was normal. Maybe Zoey had always been broken. Maybe Zoey had always felt like this... that was why she couldn't sense a change in the Honmoon.

Rumi bit her knuckle harder, feeling cold tears stream down her cheeks and soak the pillow beneath her. She counted Zoey's soft breaths beside her and fought back sobs. Yellow and pink and purple danced in sickening patterns around her. The Honmoon settled.

And for once... Rumi didn't know what to do.

Chapter Text

Hi everyone! Sorry in advance for the long message, but if you have a moment and have the motivation, I'd really appreciate you reading this! <3

I'm really sorry - I hate to be that person that makes a whole "chapter" just for an author's note, but I have lots of rambles/questions for you that I didn't want to try to cram into the notes at the beginning or end of the chapter! Don't worry - this story will still have (at least) 31 oneshots *quietly ups the chapter count* lol. :-)

Okay, first of all, THANK YOU GUYS for all of the love and support! I've honestly written fanfiction for a long time but I only got the courage to share it with others in the last few months and I have genuinely had so much fun reading and writing and interacting with all of you in this fandom. THANK YOU for the kudos and comments and the support. It genuinely does mean the world to me and during the day I definitely refresh my email like a madwoman and light up every time I see a message from you guys. I never want you guys to feel pressured into interacting with my works, but I hope you know that every time you do it means the world to me! So thank you for being so supportive. I truly do love you all. <3

Also I'm so so so sorry that I've been really bad at replying to comments! Your comments genuinely do mean the world to me and I love and cherish your words and feedback and support so much and I SWEAR I will respond to every single one! I know I've been posting a lot, but most of my writing is done far too late in the night on far too little sleep, so by the time I'm done writing I'm too tired to give your comments the responses they deserve! Outside of my midnight writing sessions, my life has been kinda crazy lately but I swear I'll try my best to carve out some time this week to respond to all of your sweet messages! Thank you for your patience! <3

And I meant what I said in the last chapter. I know the last chapter touched on some heavy stuff and a lot of my other works do touch on some trauma/angst-inducing things... so I'm very sorry if that upset any of you at any point during the reading. I made an email account ([email protected]) if you guys ever need to talk. I genuinely care about each and every one of you and if you are ever struggling or just need to vent, my inbox is always open! <3

As far as stories go... I FINALLY watched the movie with a friend! I went to visit him and he was like "oh my gosh we have to watch this movie together - it's called K Pop Demon Hunters!" and I had to be like "oh, really? That sounds interesting! Never heard of it before!" Like I haven't written a 40K+ word fic for the movie I hadn't seen and several other subsequent fanfictions. :-) But the movie was AMAZING and honestly I didn't realize how much of my characterizations of the characters were based on other fics I've read and my own experiences - watching the movie made me realize that we really don't get a lot of backstory for Mira OR Zoey and I have SO many unanswered questions, lol. BUT one of the things I was afraid of happened - I was struck with creative inspiration and I now have SO MANY ideas for fics that now I have a whole bunch of them started and almost none of them finished, lol. I'm very sorry to all of you dear readers - thank you for sticking with me! I swear none of my stories are abandoned! Writing is kinda like a flow state for me and when I'm motivated I can write really good stuff, but when I'm not motivated and I force myself to write, it isn't nearly as good. And you guys deserve the best, which is why some of the stories *cough cough* "We're Shattering the Silence" - haven't been updated in a while. Also I'm dedicating the next chapter of that one to my AO3 bestie qHope so it's GOTTA be good! <3

Two side notes (sorry for the rambling):
1. You guys should totally go listen to the acapella version of "What It Sounds Like." It's literally LIFE-CHANGING OH MY GOSH! The crowd sings the score suite in the background and JINU harmonizes at one point and ugh that song is my favorite I love it please go listen and let me know what you think! <3
2. Also... okay this might be a dumb question, but were Derpy and Sussie ever actually named in the movie or is that just a fandom thing? Cuz if it's just a fandom thing I LOVE IT that's actually so hilarious!

Okay on to actual business things. IF you feel so inclined (absolutely zero pressure) I would love to get your opinions/feedback on any or all of the following things:

A: In the last chapter, I wanted to briefly describe some of the "after" of the movie, since the girls had a lot to deal with and sort through. Since it was a oneshot, I know I didn't dive too much into my take on the post-canon lore and conversations and outcomes, but I have a lot of thoughts about what those conversations (between the girls, Celine, Bobby, fans, etc.) looked like after the movie. I've been tossing around the idea of writing a "missing moments" story with some scenes from the movie and after the movie. Is that something you guys would be interested in reading? Or do you guys have any questions about my version of the post-canon universe? Or suggestions for me to incorporate?

B: I've gotten a couple requests for oneshots for this work! Em_musician12 had a really cool idea with Mira and Rumi coming across some angsty stuff in Zoey's notebooks (def planning on writing that!) and Digimonfan had an awesome idea of Mira or Rumi getting hurt on a mission and Zoey blaming herself for it (def also writing that one) and Natiooooo had the suggestion of Zoey getting sensory overload on stage! For that last suggestion, sensory issues aren't something I personally struggle with, so I'd really like your guys's help in constructing that story, because I think it would be a really powerful hurt/comfort piece and I know lots of people could relate. But I absolutely don't want to misrepresent anything. I'm definitely going to write that oneshot, but I'll do some research first and I would love some tips (if you're comfortable sharing) from you guys if you have any! <3

C: I drove all over the state this weekend for work and a random wedding and my other job and anyhoozles I spent a lot of time bored in the car this weekend and decided to record some voice notes with some oneshot ideas for this story. I'm obvs gonna write a sickfic chapter (maybe two) where Zoey tries to hide an illness and Rumi and Mira take care of her. I want to write one where Zoey gets hurt taking a hit for Mira or Rumi and how they deal with the aftermath. I wanna explore a little more of Zoey's backstory and trauma with alcohol (that's one I can speak to from experience with alcoholic parents, but if you guys have suggestions I'd love to hear them) - maybe they're at a post-awards show party and Bobby (a father figure to Zoey) gets a little drunk and yells and Zoey has flashbacks and Bobby and Mira and Rumi uncover a little bit more about her past and it'll be angsty but also it'll be a deep dive into Zoey and Bobby's relationship and how he's become like a father to her and how he'll go out of his way to make sure Zoey is okay no matter what. Don't worry - I LOVE BOBBY and I will not ever paint this man in a bad light - he won't do anything bad, just accidentally get a little too tipsy and he makes up for it don't worry! I wanna write a chapter with Celine and Zoey talking (that one's gonna be more like a fix-it/character study) cuz I think Zoey is the most likely one of the three Huntr/x girls to try to rebuild that bridge after the events of the movie, so I'm excited to write that chapter too! I've also got a sweet idea of a collection of drabbles in one chapter about how different staff members benefit from Zoey's excitement and kindness and how they take care of her (i.e. the driver always leaves the heated seat on and knows what music Zoey likes, the makeup artist carves out 20-minute makeup "touch ups" where it's actually just space for Zoey to nap when she's exhausted, etc.). I've got plenty of other ideas but I haven't re-listened to the voice memos yet so those are the main ones I can remember. If you guys have ideas, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I'd love to hear them! Or if any of my ideas suck, please also let me know cuz I don't wanna write something you guys don't wanna read, lol!

D: I'm genuinely trying so hard to nail the characterizations of Mira/Rumi/Zoey in my stories. However, I know that sometimes I can get carried away with fluff and make the characters a little OOC to fit the scene instead of writing the scene to fit the characters, if that makes sense. I'm trying hard not to do that in this story, but I'd love your guys's feedback. I relate to Zoey the most, so a lot of my characterization of her is based on my own experiences and some really awesome fics I've read (if you want recommendations plz let me know I'd be happy to supply them to you!) and admittedly, TikTok edits/headcanons. Mira and Rumi are actually like, remarkably similar to my best friends, so some of my characterizations are based on how I think my friends would react in situations like this, but also the characterizations I've built for Mira/Rumi in some of my other stories. Do you guys have any suggestions for how I can improve my characterizations? Do you think I'm doing okay or do you have some constructive criticism? I welcome your feedback, if you feel so inclined! *saluting emoji*

E: Also, I know this is literally a collection of angsty or fluffy hurt/comfort oneshots featuring Zoey, but I don't want to mischaracterize Zoey at all. I think one of the easiest mistakes to make (that I often do) when writing whump is pacifying the victim character. I genuinely view Zoey as a competent, emotionally intelligent, sweet, thoughtful, kind, energetic, sometimes scatterbrained but extremely intelligent character. I like writing hurt/comfort from a bystander/caretaker perspective, but I also don't want to "baby" Zoey's character at all, so I'm playing around with some ideas for lighter chapters that help Zoey shine in that regard and not just as a victim, if you know what I mean. If you guys have any thoughts or suggestions for oneshots like that, please let me know! The ones I'm thinking of so far entail Mira and Rumi falling ill and Zoey caring for them and getting sick afterwards (maybe), I mentioned this one earlier but a conversation between Zoey and Celine where Zoey tries to rebuild a bridge on Huntr/x's behalf because Mira is too angry and Rumi is too traumatized, maybe Mira or Rumi getting hurt and Zoey also being hurt (to a lesser extent) and having to get them home safely and patch them up... stuff like that. :-)

F: What is something nice you've done for yourself today? If you haven't done anything nice for yourself yet (or even if you have) PLEASE go drink some water and eat a sweet treat. You deserve it! <3 I highly recommend pomegranate Outshine bars. That's my new obsession, lol. <3 Also... what's your favorite color? I'm curious. :-)

G: Finally, dear readers, I'd like to ask for your thoughts and prayers to be with me this week as I prep for med school interviews, take an immunology exam in 10 hours that I haven't studied enough for yet (don't worry - I'm heading to do that right after I post this lol), write a midterm paper and do a presentation on Tuesday, and work a 48-hour shift after marching a parade and marching/playing for a football game on Saturday because it's our homecoming week! :-) I don't know when I'll get the next chapter out - probably not til Wednesday (I'm so sorry in advance!) at the earliest, but I'll do my best!

Thank you guys for reading! I truly appreciate all of you so so so much! Love you guys! Can't wait to hear from you! :-)

Until next time!

<3 poeticcapybara

P.S. PLEASE go check out ZurielWritings23's fic "I'll Be Right Here By Your Side!" I'm already obsessed with it, the writing is *chef's kiss* AMAZING, the premise is super cool AND is based on some amazing artwork by inkrred, and the author is genuinely like the sweetest person ever! <3
https://archiveofourown.to/works/71709996/chapters/186660526#main

Chapter Text

Zoey let out a long exhale, stilling her fingers that had gone numb after hours of drumming on the tabletop. There was a beat of nothing and then she was humming - something tuneless. Not because inspiration had struck or because she had an audience, but because if she yielded to the silence it would mean that she had nothing to listen to but the thoughts in her head. They roared loudly tonight, a near-deafening buzz that had become all-consuming, a tidal wave of self-deprecation she fought against. But she'd been treading water for days... and the silence had a way of turning resilience into weakness, dragging her under the weight of everything too loud to keep inside.

Albert Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Zoey remembered hearing the quote in middle school, doodling while her teacher droned on about the scientific method. But those words broke through the boredom and made a home among the thoughts in her developing mind. Logically, a part of her knew that the sentiment belonged to science, criticizing the needless repetition of failed experiments. But the other part of her - the one she always listened to - wanted to make it her own. She was an optimist that instinctively wanted to disagree. Giving up was insanity in its own right... right? Couldn't it be brave to expect a different result? To hope for something better? Because if not, what was the point in trying for any result at all?

Their clock chimed and from somewhere down the hall, Sussie squawked indignantly. Zoey could imagine the little bird's feathers ruffling at the sound. The cuckoo clock was a gift from Bobby, after Zoey had mentioned growing up with one in America and missing the constant musical reminder that time passed throughout the day. Mira and Rumi didn't really understand the point, but they didn't have to. The audible chime marking the time that passed like a ledger was enough to keep Zoey grounded in something... especially tonight.

10pm. It had been four hours since she'd come home after her fitting to an empty apartment. Three since she'd turned off the stove. Two that she'd been watching the screensaver on the long-forgotten TV bounce around, heart quickening slightly when it perfectly aligned with a corner. One since steam had stopped rising from the soup and she'd packaged it in loving Tupperware containers and squirreled it away in the fridge for a later that would never come. Four hours of feeling her own hunger dwindle, four hours of fending off thoughts that threatened to drown her, four hours of expecting a different result. Insanity.

She'd had the idea yesterday, after a vocal rehearsal ran too long and Rumi complained of a tickle in her throat. The weather was getting colder - it was the exact time of year that tea with honey became a necessity rather than a treat. Their comeback was ramping up and all of them felt the rising pressure to deliver: Rumi recorded her segments over and over again until she hit the high notes perfectly for each track, Mira would often spend her evenings in the studio, choreographing the remaining songs on the setlist, and Zoey-

Zoey cringed. They were both working so hard. Mira and Rumi. Vocal rehearsal had only run long yesterday because Rumi was determined to reach a high C during the bridge of "Heartbeat." Zoey and Mira sang the harmonies over and over again as Rumi continued to strain her voice until she finally smiled that wan smile that said 'I need to keep going but I won't make you follow.' But Mira had offered to stay and work on the choreography for their closer that was right now, only a collection of beats and background vocals. And Rumi had smiled at her so gratefully that for a moment, they all forgot this was work.

Zoey wanted to stay too. She wanted to help Mira come up with dance moves for their grand finale. She'd offered with her bright smile that was too radiant to be anything but practiced, asking Mira if she wanted someone to bounce ideas off of. But Mira just shook her head. "It's okay, Zo. I work better alone. If I need feedback, Rumi will be right over there in the recording booth. We still need the words to the second verse and chorus anyway, and I know you think better when you're not in the studio." Rumi had given a little wave then, like she heard Mira through the soundproof booth, before restarting the track and recording a perfect take yet again that somehow still wouldn't be enough.

Zoey tried really hard not to take those words to heart. Mira didn't mean them the way they sounded to Zoey. She was just sensitive, right? They were all stressed. Mira probably didn't mean to sound so cutting. She wasn't purposefully dismissing Zoey. She wasn't saying that she preferred Rumi's company over Zoey's...

But that's what it sounded like. So Zoey had smiled again, far less bright this time, but predictably, nobody noticed. Or nobody cared. She shrugged on her jacket and left Mira to her choreography and Rumi to her melody, slinking back to a dark, empty apartment in defeat. Her night was filled with scribbles and blank pages and images of Mira and Rumi laughing late into the night, supporting one another in a way Zoey couldn't hope to be a part of.

Tonight was no different. Early choreography practice, stage rehearsal after lunch, vocal recordings in the afternoon interspersed with individual stylist appointments and fittings to experiment with stage makeup and make adjustments to their outfits. Rumi went first because she always did, then Mira, then Zoey. She tried not to think of herself as an afterthought, but it got harder and harder as the thoughts in her head got louder and louder. Zoey had come back home afterwards, determined to do something to earn her place.

So she scribbled ideas for the chorus in that pink notebook that reminded her of Mira on the drive home. She'd even come up with a working second verse in her frenzied inspiration borne of desperation to prove herself. It probably needed some tweaking, but it was done and their was a yawning relief in that part of her that always wondered if she was good enough to be here, if her hard work made up for a lack of talent and experience. She'd done her part, but part of her knew it wasn't enough. So she scrolled through soup recipes on TikTok until she found one she could make with ingredients in their cupboard. Something warm and filling and nourishing. Something that felt like a hug and said 'everything will be okay' without having to use words. Something that she could give Mira and Rumi as an offering, because if she wasn't enough in all the ways that mattered, she could make up for it with painstaking love. She spent half an hour chopping vegetables and only cut her fingers twice. She mixed the cream and stock and seasonings by measuring with her heart and added a little more pepper than necessary because Mira loved the burn on her tongue. She let it simmer and fill the penthouse with the rich aroma of love she didn't feel but would always give. And when Mira and Rumi's location finally left the studio, she'd ladeled out three servings into their favorite bowls and set the table, even bringing out the strawberry mochi and toasted bread for dipping.

But the soup had gone cold and the apartment remained empty and the two little dots on the map that left the studio were now at their favorite frozen yogurt place. Had been for hours. And Zoey knew that they must have been having fun together and she would never begrudge them that. So she poured all three bowls of soup into Tupperware and stacked them neatly in the fridge, like this had been the plan all along. And part of her knew that her night would end this way, alone in an apartment with too much love that she was willing to give, not enough love left for herself. She did the same things over and over and always expected a different result... and she was always disappointed.

It's not that she was angry. She couldn't be angry and sometimes, that made everything harder. Because she overthought and sympathized and understood and turned everything back on her shortcomings because that was the root of everything cruel that had ever been done to her. She deserved it because she was too much and not enough and was never just right.

Zoey used to think she was. When Mira was hurt and angry while Rumi was closed-off and stubborn, Zoey was the one that asked questions and listened. When Mira was fire and Rumi was ice, Zoey was the gentle breeze that quelled the flame and softened the cold. When they built walls, Zoey built bridges. When they fought, she soothed. When they lost hope, she reminded them of all the good things to believe in. She was the middle piece that joined the trio and for once in her life... she was finally just right.

She knew now that she'd taken those days for granted. Because now she was an outsider in her own home. She was in their orbit but going the wrong direction. She was the one who made things harder for everyone else. The one who "thought better outside the studio." The one who just wrote lyrics that never seemed to measure up against the flashy choreography and jaw-dropping tracks they made. The one who was an afterthought. The one who sat alone with an empty bowl, listening to the clock strike ten thirty now, wondering what she'd done wrong.

Zoey was happy for them. She really really was. She could never be angry because Mira and Rumi were her best friends. The first people in her life that she felt she could truly be herself around without judgment. The only people that listened to her midnight ramblings, who brought her food and reminded her to drink water and forced her to rest when she forgot, the ones who brought out the best in her and inspired her to keep working harder to make them proud. She loved them more than she loved herself.

But since the Idol Awards... since Rumi had revealed the secret of her patterns and suddenly everything in their lives became heartbreakingly clear... something had changed between all of them. At first it was a good something. All of the walls between them crumbled to rubble and there were no more secrets. They went to the bathhouse together for the first time and cried and told each other things that they'd never told anyone else. They had sleepovers and movie nights and spent their days enjoying each other's company, laughing and smiling and making memories that reminded them they were young and dumb and sometimes they were allowed to be. There was something comfortingly vulnerable about being known. About being seen. And for the first time, they could all bask in that. For a few perfect days... they were enough as just Rumi, Mira, and Zoey.

But clocks chime and things change because the passage of time is inevitable and final.

Rumi would get nightmares. They learned this on the nights they piled on Rumi's bed in a sprawl of warm limbs and sleepy snores. On the second night, Rumi woke them with a desperate cry, patterns flashing in sickening swirls of violet and yellow and pink, the Honmoon wailing with every sob she couldn't stifle. Mira was the closest. She wasted no time bundling Rumi into a warm, grounding embrace, rubbing firm circles into her back and whispering sweet nothings into the crown of Rumi's head to remind her that what she heard could be the truth when it came from outside herself and not from within. Zoey curled up alongside the pair, clasping one of Rumi's shaking hands in her own and tracing soothing figure eights into the soft skin of her palm. Rumi cried herself back to sleep but they held her the rest of the night because they knew at least part of this was their fault, and if they couldn't undo mistakes of the past, at least they could mend them in the present.

They didn't happen every night. And it wasn't always Rumi. None of them were strangers to nightmares - they came with the baggage of a traumatic past and the burden of fighting demons to protect a world that would never know it. Rumi had gotten nightmares long before this. Back when they were trainees living on Celine's training grounds, the walls were far too thin. She remembered waking to the muffled sounds of sobbing, heart thudding in sympathy and despair because there was nothing she could do. Zoey tried but Rumi would always wipe her tears before answering the knock at the door... and Rumi could be almost as good as she was at deflecting concern sometimes. Occasionally, she'd hear Mira up late at night. Mira never woke with tears or cries the way Rumi and Zoey did. Instead, she chose to lose herself in something else so she wouldn't get lost in her own head. Sometimes it was in cooking - something Mira had learned for herself out of defiance after spending a childhood eating fancy meals devoid of love and effort. Zoey would hear the familiar clangs of pots and pans, the quiet beep of the oven as it preheated, the sound of water running over dirty dishes. She would pad out and cast a glance at Rumi's closed door, knowing she was awake but too scared to emerge because she might say the wrong thing. So it would be Zoey that wandered into the kitchen and wrapped Mira in a warm hug that said everything that needed to be said. Sometimes Mira would relax in her arms and let Zoey lead her to the couch, where they would sit in silence or rarely, Mira would open up, before falling asleep somewhere different where the nightmares couldn't reach them because they were together. Sometimes Mira would stiffen and blink back tears that Zoey saw anyway, so the maknae would wordlessly roll up her sleeves and help Mira cut vegetables or stir fry noodles, making a meal they wouldn't eat until the next day because Mira needed something to do with her hands and Zoey would oblige and be a wordless sous chef as long as Mira needed her.

There was a time that Zoey would wake from nightmares, her face a throbbing hot mess of tears and snot and sleep, and stumble to Mira's room for comfort. She would startle back to awareness tangled in her blankets, stuffed turtle flung across the room in unaware panic, plagued by memories of a past that refused to be forgotten or mistakes that she could never make up for. Her feet would carry her across the hall before her conscious mind even processed the terror she felt, desperate for comfort that she'd never ask for if she thought too much about it. Usually she wouldn't even knock, letting the door swing open to the dark room before she padded to Mira's bedside, sniffling and teary. Sometimes Mira would snap awake and instinctively summon her gok-do, illuminating Zoey's scared, sobbing form, and Mira would exhale in both fear and relief before wrapping Zoey in a hug too desperate to be anything but real. Zoey knew Mira would never hurt her. Not like this. Because she would pull Zoey close and put a hand over Zoey's heaving chest, lifting Zoey's hand to rest over her own calm heartbeat, and Mira would wince and say, aeni, you have to breathe... And she would coach Zoey to inhale and exhale until her heart rate slowed to match Mira's. She would cup Zoey's warm face in her cool hands and brush away the residual tear tracks with sleepy thumbs, pressing their foreheads together and murmuring reassurances until Zoey's panic ebbed and she could shakily wrap Mira in a hug in return. Usually that was when Zoey's conscious mind kicked in and apologies flooded out from between trembling lips. But Mira would just gently shush her and tuck her in beside her and promise to make cinnamon rolls in the morning because she knew they were sweet enough to remind Zoey of a better time. She would let her sleep in and always left cold water and eye drops and tissues on the nightstand when she got up to make breakfast because she knew that Zoey would never take care of herself otherwise. It was a beautiful thing, being seen and known by someone who cared.

But in those weeks following the Idol Awards, Zoey knew Rumi needed Mira more. One night she had woken from a nightmare about someone she couldn't save - an ajumma that probably had grandkids and a candy dish, one that would pinch Zoey's cheeks and smile so wide that it erased the years of wrinkles and smile lines. She couldn't summon her shin-kal fast enough, spinning to avoid the claws of a lunging demon. If Zoey had just parried with her blade to take out that one, she would've been able to throw it at the vampiric demon that sucked the soul from someone who deserved to live a longer life. But instead she waited for the Honmoon to thread itself into the sharp blades she wielded like mercy and by then it was too late. It was one of many memories that haunted her on nights like this, too quiet to let her drown out the perpetual noise of her buzzing mind. And like every other night that was plagued by memories that wouldn't let her sleep, Zoey found herself stumbling out of bed and padding across the hall to Mira's room, a soft blanket under one arm and a turtle plush clutched in the other. It was only because her hands were full that she stopped a moment before pushing open the door. But in that moment, she heard voices from inside. Well, Mira's voice, low and soothing like she was calming a spooked animal, the same tone she used when soothing Zoey after a nightmare. She could hear the muffled sound of sniffles, too. And everything clicked into place so Zoey backed away and retreated to her room. Because right now, Rumi needed Mira more than Zoey did. She could deal with her nightmares - Rumi had dealt with hers alone for far too long. She deserved the comfort she found in Mira. Zoey could handle it alone... and she did. Even though it meant lying awake as silent cold tears soaked her pillow while her gaze traced the popcorn ceiling, Even though she got up far too early to make coffee for Mira after she dabbed concealer under her eyes so nobody would suspect her sleepless night. Even though the memory haunted her for days. Rumi deserved comfort and Zoey was just being needy.

Part of her was hurt that Rumi didn't come to her, but a larger part of her understood. Mira was good at that stuff - comforting someone that was lost in their own head. She spoke in that low tone and grounded them in the beat of her heart and the circles of her fingertips against their backs, reminding them that everything existed outside of the cruel thoughts in her mind. So Zoey shrugged it off, grateful that Rumi found comfort the same way she always had, grateful that Mira could be there for their unnie that had spent so long suffering in silence.

But things got worse after that night. Not worse - Zoey was just sensitive. It wasn't fair of her to want anything different. Mira was happier and Rumi was happier. She was happy for them. Really, she was.

Because now that there were no more secrets, it was like a wall came down between the two members of Huntr/x that were always more alike than either of them realized. That's why they disagreed so much. Because they were the same in the ways that mattered and different in the ways they went about pretending they weren't. And looking back, that was always Zoey's role: to remind them of the things that mattered when they chose to focus on what didn't.

But they didn't need her anymore.

Mira had always been good at reading people. There was a part of her - of both of them - that always knew Rumi was keeping something from them. Something big enough to hide for so long. Something that kept her up at night and relentlessly drove her to reach such high standards that sometimes the drive bordered on desperation. Zoey was better at reading people than either Mira or Rumi gave her credit for. The skill was borne of a childhood filled with unpredictable secrets. Zoey had learned to read the anger in little motions - when her dad changed the channel, when her mom scrubbed a spotless dish, when one of her classmates reached towards her with a cruel glint in their eye. She'd learned to internalize the microbehaviors of others, learning their tells for lying, memorizing the look of anger and sadness and disappointment so she could do everything in her power to avoid it, agonizing over the lies she was told in the name of secrecy. She'd always known that Rumi hid something from them - she and Mira used to talk about it at the bathhouse after a long week, letting the warm water ease tension they didn't know they carried, speculating about what their unnie was keeping from them.

"Do you think..." She'd trailed off then, frowning as she awkwardly fidgeted with her hands beneath the water.

Mira cracked one eye open. "Do I think what?" Her tone was concerned, but it gave Zoey an out if she was willing to take it.

She didn't. "Do you think she's gonna leave us?" Zoey tried not to let the hurt seep into her voice, but years of being abandoned made it impossible.

Mira pursed her lips then, both eyes opening as she thought about everything Zoey said and more about what she wasn't saying. "I don't know." She'd answered honestly and it shouldn't have brought Zoey comfort but it did.

They didn't mean to, but they'd always been "the duo in the trio." Zoey brought out the soft side of Mira - she loved being the one to crack her aloof facade by making Mira snort, she was the only one who wasn't pushed away by the dancer's occasional bouts of anger, knowing Mira only lashed out because it was the only way she'd learned to make her feelings real, and she was the only person Mira opened up to about her past, her thoughts, her fears, her dreams. For her, Mira was the only one who listened to Zoey when she hyperfocused on a random turtle species, the one who stayed up late into the night while Zoey worked on a new song because "an idea popped into my head and I can't sleep until I get it out on paper," the person who reminded Zoey she was human in all the ways that mattered when she forgot to take care of herself. Mira was her best friend and Zoey never imagined that she could ever have this. But she took it for granted and she knew that now.

The selfish part of Zoey would go back in a heartbeat, even if it meant that the Idol Awards never happened. And she knew that wasn't fair and she hated herself for even thinking that. Because even though that night was the most traumatic part of their lives together, it meant that Rumi could accept herself and that there were no more secrets between them. So the walls could come down and they could learn to live as themselves with one another. It was a good thing, in the end, even though she hated the suffering Rumi had to go through, the agony her and Mira had felt when they realized what she'd been hiding all this time, the fallout that had nearly ended their careers before they could even bask in the success of creating a new Honmoon. It was like the climax of a movie and now they were in the falling action - learning to live in the aftermath.

And Rumi was so much happier now. Zoey insisted they go shopping for a new wardrobe now that Rumi's patterns were revealed - her unnie had only cried twice in the dressing room and both times they were there to remind her that she was beautiful because of her patterns and who she chose to be. And the maknae loved seeing Rumi lounge in shorts and a crop top, showing skin because she could, letting her patterns flicker with emotion and learning not to cringe over time as the colors changed like a mood ring. She joined Zoey and Mira's movie nights, sprawling on the other end of the couch that Zoey used to inhabit, munching on popcorn as they caught her up on everything she'd missed. She laughed more, smiled more, like she was lighter now that she could let them all carry the burden of a secret told. It was beautiful and it made Zoey so happy to see her living life like she always deserved to.

Recovery wasn't linear, though, and Zoey wasn't foolish. She saw how Rumi tugged the sleeves over her arms on bad days, covering up out of shame rather than necessity. She'd watch as Rumi caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, staring with a mix of revulsion and guilt as colors mingled on her skin. She would feel a pang every time Rumi went to bed early or pushed herself too hard in the sound booth or recording studio or went for a run that was just a bit too long to be anything but punishment. It hurt her every time that Rumi encountered a setback, even though she knew it was unavoidable.

But Zoey wanted to help. She wanted to be the one that Rumi reached for sometimes when the voices got too loud. She wanted to wrap Rumi in a warm hug and eat sweet treats together and watch crappy k-dramas until she felt comfortable enough to open up. She wanted to comfort Rumi in the middle of the night when the guilt and fear she'd carried for far too long finally caught up to her in sleep. But Zoey would always be the afterthought... it was foolish to think she'd ever be anything but. Zoey was a lot of things, but she wasn't foolish.

Mira and Rumi had each other. She should be happy for them. Mira would always be a better listener, a better hugger, a better person than Zoey was. So Rumi would always reach for her first and Zoey really was okay with that. She had to be. Even if that meant she had to deal with her feelings herself, burying them deep until she woke from nightmares and cried cold tears into soaked pillows and covered up the bags under her eyes when the sun rose because if Zoey was good at anything it was being okay when she wasn't.

But Zoey wanted to be part of the happy stuff too.

She didn't know when it started, but Rumi and Mira went to the bathhouse together now. She only knew because they would return flushed and smiling, hair done up in towels and wrapped in white robes, relaxed and happy. Zoey was never invited and she tried not to let that thought cut as deep as it did. The bathhouse used to be her and Mira's thing, something that only the two of them shared because Rumi never would. Zoey had honestly looked forward to Rumi joining them after the Idol Awards, wanting her to share in the relaxation and fun she found in the refuge of the hot water and good company. But she wasn't invited because she wasn't wanted and suddenly her refuge had become a reminder that sometimes she was just too much. Other nights, Rumi and Mira would stay late at the studio. Both of them had grown up living lives that Zoey could never imagine - lives of privilege and high class while she went to American public school and lived off of Kraft mac and cheese she made herself because it was the only thing she knew how to cook for years. As such, they shared memories and intimate knowledge that Zoey just didn't have. She couldn't speak seven languages, she'd only taught herself how to play guitar and piano, so she couldn't join in on their impromptu orchestral recording sessions, and she didn't know how to dance. So when Mira went to the studio, she asked Rumi to join because Rumi knew how to blend styles of choreography like it was art. Because Rumi could follow what Mira said and did without having to practice three times while tripping over her feet like Zoey did. Because Rumi was better to "bounce ideas off of" than Zoey. And on those nights, they would go out to dinner or get frozen yogurt or boba or make late night convenience store runs like Mira and Zoey always used to do. And Zoey tried so hard not to care but-

"Ah!"

A warm head butted her thigh, nosing its way underneath her startled hand. Derpy purred insistently, like he could sense she was spiraling down down down...

Zoey sniffled and wiped the tears that had begun tracking down her face with her free hand. They were cold but her cheeks were hot, flushed with exhaustion and something deeper. How long had she been crying? In the back of her mind, she remembered the clock striking eleven, but Sussie hadn't cawed this time, likely asleep like they all should be before another full day of rehearsal. But here she was, letting the thoughts win, drowning in self-loathing as she spent yet another night alone.

Derpy rumbled and burrowed closer to her side. Not alone, he seemed to say. And for that she was grateful enough that another round of tears welled up in her eyes. Zoey combed her shaking fingers through Derpy's thick fur, the repetitive motion grounding her in something other than her own thoughts, the way Mira's fingers used to do against her back.

Things were different now. And that was okay. It had to be because Rumi was happier and Mira was happier... so why couldn't Zoey be?

She knew why. A lifetime of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That's why she was like this.

Zoey was a happy person - she loved people. Even though she was too awkward and talked way too fast and was too loud and too much, she still tried to make friends like a guileless kid that just longed for the company of someone else. She was always the one to start conversations, never the one to end them. The one who made small talk, who listened to those who had nobody else to talk to, who invited everyone so nobody would feel left out the way she always had, who tried when nobody else did. She'd made friends throughout her life - Cole and Hayley in grade school. On the first day, they sat next to each other on the bus and Zoey asked their favorite animals and they became fast friends. They used to draw dinosaurs during free time and play tag on the playground. As they grew older, they drifted apart as kids do. But Zoey always wondered why they drifted apart together and left her behind. And then there was middle school, an endless cycle of lab partners and groupmates and lunch friends that Zoey would meet and befriend and eventually they would stop talking to her. High school was worse - she had more bullies than friends and anybody she met would smile like they cared, but ghost her when she invited them anywhere, or join in on the teasing because it was easier to dislike and fit in than it was to care like they smiled.

Zoey's life had been filled with people who came because she was nice and kind and giving and happy... then left without ever telling her what she did wrong. She'd always been the filler friend, always inviting and never invited, always reaching out but never being answered, always trying and never succeeding. Maybe that was her role - connect with others and brighten their day, bring them joy and confidence, help them find themselves so that they could leave her for bigger and better things. Because she was too much in all the ways that didn't matter and not enough in all the ways that did.

She thought things were different now. The trainee days had been hard - Rumi was closed-off and unendingly polite in a way that inadvertently rejected all of her attempts to be anything more than peers pursuing a common goal. Mira was aloof and scared to get too attached to anything or anyone now that her family had disowned her. But Zoey tried and she tried because sometimes doing the same thing over and over again ended in a different result. Einstein was wrong. Because one night, Mira snuck out with her to get boba and they brought some back for Rumi and stayed up far too late after Zoey taught them how to play truth or dare.

She really thought this was different. That finally, after years of rejection and bullying that she'd found friends. Real friends. Ones that cared about her even when she was too much and would cross oceans to reach her when she wasn't enough. Mira and Rumi loved her so purely that sometimes, she wondered if she ever deserved the pain and hurt that she felt and carried for her whole childhood. Maybe she was never the problem. Maybe she did deserve better. Maybe it wasn't her fault that her family split apart. Maybe kids were just cruel because she was kind. Maybe she'd always been just right.

But now, sitting at an empty table in a dark penthouse with cold soup in the fridge... Zoey realized that she was wrong.

Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Maybe Zoey was insane. Maybe she always had been. And that's why she was always left alone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, I cannot believe that after all the times we've gotten boba together, you've NEVER tried the popping ones!" Mira snickered as she thumbed the penthouse button in the elevator, leaning against the rail behind her.

Rumi raised an eyebrow, but the corner of her lip lifted in the ghost of a smile. "Mira, you KNOW I always get taro milk tea no matter where we go. It's traditional, classic, everywhere has it..."

"Pfft. I don't pay attention to what you order. That's Zoey's thing." Mira quipped, sighing infinitesimally when the elevator doors shut and they began to rise.

Rumi nodded thoughtfully. "Right. She's got that folder on her phone with our favorites."

Mira cracked a real smile at the thought of the kindhearted maknae, always thinking of others. Zoey kept a running folder in the notes app of her phone that she jokingly dubbed her "serial killer folder." Mira had glimpsed it once - dozens of entries including their birthdays, favorite candies, go-to boba orders, favorite mochi flavors, ramyeon flavors, favorite colors... everything she remembered about them. When Mira had a particularly bad day, Zoey was always leaving little treats and gifts around for her to find. Mira realized in that moment that she'd never explicitly thanked Zoey for her effort, but part of her hoped Zoey just knew how much it meant to her. To them.

"I just think it's funny that the first time you tried it was at a frozen yogurt place."

Rumi rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh. "It's not even that good! I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this!"

Mira shrugged noncommittally. "Maybe I just like teasing you."

"Ugh, Mira you-" Rumi broke off as a yawn overtook her.

Mira clenched her jaw so she wouldn't laugh or follow suit. "Tired?"

"Mmhmm." Rumi hummed, rubbing at her eyes sleepily. "I can't believe we stayed so late at the fro-yo place. It was like staying until the bars close."

Mira let out a barking laugh - she couldn't help it. "Yeah, that's us. Real party animals. The next headline in Idols Unlimited; 'Huntr/x Closes Down Frozen Yogurt Place on a Tuesday Night.'"

"The fans would eat that up." Rumi agreed, leaning against the rail on the other side as the late night sunk into her bones. "I wonder if Zoey's still up."

Mira mumbled a halfhearted 'I don't know' in response, but she felt a nagging tug of guilt on her conscience as she thought back to earlier that night. It's okay, Zo. I work better alone. If I need feedback, Rumi will be right over there in the recording booth. We still need the words to the second verse and chorus anyway, and I know you think better when you're not in the studio. She winced inwardly. She hadn't meant to be so dismissive; she just figured Zoey would want some peace and quiet for songwriting. But years of knowing her best friend, of seeing the way her face fell slightly before she covered it up with that bright smile that always made Mira want to scream, had taught her that she'd said something wrong and she needed to fix it.

"Do you think I was too mean earlier?" The words slipped out before Mira could stop them and she hated how small her voice sounded.

"What?"

"To Zoey. I told her I didn't want help with choreo earlier and kinda sent her home." Mira winced after admitting it aloud.

Now it was Rumi's turn to shrug. "Sorry, I didn't hear. I'm sure it's fine, though. Zoey's been tired lately. Maybe she went to bed."

Ding!

Mira had something to say in response, but the elevator doors slid open, revealing their dark apartment. She stepped out and rounded the corner without turning on any lights. Years of living here and coming and going at all hours had taught her that when she was tired, muscle memory was all she could trust. But on the other side of the wall, the kitchen light was on, illuminating gleaming counters that must've just been washed. She peered into the room and saw Zoey sitting at the table, facing away from them. Derpy was burrowed into her thighs, purring insistently and blinking up at her with worried yellow eyes as her fingers combed listlessly through his fur.

"Thanks for waiting up for us, Zo." The words, simple and detached, were all Mira could think to say. They were woefully inadequate and she knew it.

Zoey jumped, flinching like she hadn't expected them, like she was lost in thought. Or maybe she just hadn't expected them to talk to her. Both explanations hurt Mira to think about, and her concern only deepened when Zoey's free hand sharply rose to her face, swiping like she was wiping away tears.

"Zoey? What's wrong?" Rumi asked, more perceptive than either of them gave her credit for, but oblivious in the ways that sometimes mattered.

"Nothing!" Zoey's voice was hoarse from disuse, like she'd spent hours silently crying. It was too bright and fake and instantly told them that she was lying.

But then Zoey was getting up, the chair scraping against the floor somewhat harshly in her haste, and Zoey was murmuring a soft apology to the floor because of course she was. And she turned and looked at them and smiled but it wasn't real. Mira could see the dark bags beneath Zoey's bloodshot eyes. They were rimmed with red like she'd been crying, her cheeks flush with emotion she refused to name. Her lip quivered like it was too weak to keep up the facade of grinning through whatever Zoey was dealing with alone. Her hair, messily ran through with shaking fingers, floated free from her space buns and framed her face in a way that made the maknae look heartbreakingly younger.

Mira felt her breath hitched. What had she missed?

"Zo, have you been crying?" Rumi was saying, putting down her phone and wallet and keys on the counter in a hurried jingle.

Zoey shook her head. "No! No, I was just - I finished the second verse. And the chorus. I think I just got tired. I was falling asleep." She giggled like it was a whimsical truth and not a blatant lie. "It's too late now, but I'd love for you guys to read it tomorrow!"

It's never too late... That was what Mira wanted to say. But she didn't because sometimes she was a coward.

"Oh, yeah, it is pretty late. Can't believe it's almost midnight! We really spent a long time talking at the frozen yogurt place!" Rumi laughed like she didn't just believe Zoey's lie and say all the wrong things. Because sometimes Rumi was oblivious in the ways that mattered. But neither Mira or Zoey could fault her.

Mira noticed the way Zoey's face fell at the words, but the smile was back so quickly that if she didn't know any better, she might've imagined it. But she suddenly realized what was going on and it hit her like a ton of bricks to the chest.

"I'm glad you guys had fun!" Zoey's voice held no trace of the sadness Mira glimpsed, and sometimes it scared her how well Zoey could pretend to be okay. "Um, I'm sure you already ate, but there's soup in the fridge to reheat if you want. I made some earlier."

"Did you eat?" Mira couldn't help but ask.

Zoey's gaze flickered to her for a moment. "Y-yeah." She answered, but Mira knew that was another lie. Her fist clenched at her side - not in anger, but in sadness. Because it had come to this and she hadn't done anything about it.

"I'm beat, but thanks, Zo. We can bring it for lunch tomorrow." Rumi suggested, stretching her arms above her head with a sleepy smile. "I'm going to go to bed - we've got early rehearsal tomorrow. Thanks for hanging out with me tonight, Mira. Thanks for waiting up, Zoey."

"Goodnight!" Zoey waved brightly after her, only flinching slightly when Derpy butted her leg insistently again.

"Zo-" Mira tried.

Zoey laughed like she knew what Mira was going to say. Going to try to say. Because that was what Zoey did - made everything easier for everyone else even when it became harder for her. And Mira thought it wasn't fair that sunshine could only shine on other people without ever once warming itself. She wanted to hold up a mirror so Zoey could bask in her own light... but now was not the time. Because it was late and Zoey was burnt out. The thought hurt more than it should've.

"I'm glad you guys had fun tonight." The words were genuine and Mira felt another pang. "I am pretty tired, though. I'll see you in the morning?" Zoey was already stepping away, heading towards a dark room to spend the night alone with the thoughts they'd left her with.

"Wait, Zo-" Mira sidestepped awkwardly so she could look her best friend in the eye while she said this, because sometimes listening only happened when you could see. "Do you... do you maybe want to go to the bathhouse tomorrow?"

Zoey stopped, tilting her head to one side in that adorable way she did when something didn't quite make sense to her overactive mind. "Oh, like... with you and Rumi? After rehearsal?"

Mira shook her head, speaking slowly so Zoey would get the message. "No. I was thinking maybe just us. Like before. I... I miss you."

Zoey's eyes widened and her mouth opened into a little 'o' of awe, like she never expected those words from Mira. And it broke Mira's heart into a million tiny pieces because there was a time that she and Zoey were the only ones who knew each other. She wondered where along the way she'd forgotten how to read her best friend. But she vowed to learn again because Zoey deserved that.

Fresh tears welled up in Zoey's eyes and she tried to blink them away even though her lip quivered anyway. She smiled - a real one. And it healed something in Mira. It was a start. "I- I'd really like that, Mira."

Mira smiled back. "Thanks for the soup. Now go get some sleep or I won't let you nap on me in the car tomorrow."

Zoey giggled and rubbed under her eyes, turning and padding back to her room in the silence that followed. Her door clicked shut and Mira wondered, not for the first time, if she should follow just to make sure the maknae actually went to sleep. She had the dim realization that it wasn't her place right now, but she'd earn it back. She headed to the fridge and looked at the neatly stacked containers of soup, each covered in a little sticky note with turtle doodles and hearts and a message that managed to convey more genuine love than anything her parents had ever done for her.

Mira had spent her whole life loving and believing she was hard to love in return. So she covered her soft heart with sharp edges, shied away from comfort, bared her teeth at the promise of care. But then an awkward girl with space buns and the brightest smile Mira had ever seen came barreling in to her life and showed her that loving was not a weakness and being loved was not hard.

Zoey had told her once that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. But she had taught her something else, too. That sometimes, trying again and hoping for something better was braver than not trying at all.

She had never been happier than when Zoey helped her prove Einstein wrong. So this time, she would try again and hope for something better. Because Zoey deserved insanity.