Work Text:
Author’s note: I have never watched Inanimate Insanity
You were laying under the covers of your bed, the clean white texture of your ceiling penetrating your eye sockets as you stared up at it without a care in the world. The only company you had with you was your taco gf, who’d currently been snuggling against your body for the past 10 minutes.
You’d spent weeks searching through online dating sites looking for the perfect girl, but you’d never have guessed that the one for you would be a Mexican food.
You didn’t care though, all that mattered now was fucking the shit out of this taco.
Your taco gf (who coincidentally, also happened to be named Taco) asked “is tonight the night?”
You nodded your head to signal that in fact, yes, tonight was the night.
You immediately stuck your goddamn tongue down the crunchy shelled woman’s chalupa flavored throat. You were sticking your tongue down there with all the determination of a fat fingered 7-Eleven employee reaching for the last Pringle in the tube.
As you did this, you could taste every morsel of her. She tasted like Barbeque Potato chips dipped in Guacamole. You felt like you wouldn’t mind if this moment lasted forever.
Eventually, after a good session of tonguing, you broke the kiss off before tossing her upside down and sticking your motherfucking cock into that piss awesome shell she calls a vagina.
“Please be gentle reader-kun” said Taco.
“I don’t know the meaning of the word” you said.
You actually didn’t. You flunked out of Elementary school.
You stuck your throbbing, veiny, cock into her shell with all the vigor you could muster and boy did you have vigor to spare. You had so much lively energy in you that some people might accuse you of using performance enhancing drugs.
Too bad you fucking missed.
You instead accidentally stuck your cock into Taco’s eye, mildly irritating your gf and embarrassing the absolute shit out of you all in the span of a single moment.
“What’s the hold up?” asked Taco.
“Relax, I got this” you said reassuringly.
You then attempted to stick your cock in her once more, but instead you only jabbed Taco’s other eye with your still-erect schlong.
“This is getting aggravating” said Taco.
You didn’t say anything, you just pulled your cock out of her eye and attempted to penetrate her once more.
This time, you didn’t hit either of Taco’s eyes, you accidentally stuck your pecker up her left nostril.
This is why your career as a professional dart thrower failed.
Finally, after numerous tries, you managed to stick that baby perfectly into Taco’s taco. Your Mexican food gf moaned erotically as you began thrusting inside of her with all the force of an Amish man churning the most perfect butter that mankind had ever seen.
You could feel her crumbs jabbing themselves into the head of your penis. The roughness of her taco shell hurt your cock a lot but you didn’t care, you were empowered by love.
After a while, Taco came a fat load of siracha sauce onto your cock.
You exclaimed “ay carumba!” in response to this.
You then looked down at your gargantuan cock. The thing was practically swimming in siracha sauce.
Luckily, you were one of the best contortionists in the world. You thrusted your hips forward, cock still erect, before putting your head down, thus allowing your cock to enter your mouth.
You then began licking all your gf’s juices off your cock. Your tongue was so precise that it could easily pass as a weapon in Dynasty Warriors.
Soon, your cock was completely clean. You’d swear you could even see your own reflection.
“Excellente” you said, before planting a kiss on Taco’s lips.
You then mounted her once more and continued thrusting inside of her, hitting her g-spot with all the force you could muster.
Soon, your body began feeling warm all over and you felt yourself about to ejaculate.
“AHHHHHHHHHH!” you yelled triumphantly before climaxing inside your girlfriend.
Your thick white juices entered her biscuit, and she seemed to love every second of it.
After a while, your cum stream ended and your balls began to feel empty, so you decided to just lay back and relax with Taco.
You snuggled up with Taco and it seemed like nothing in the world mattered except this moment.
After a while, Taco perked up and said “before we continue, I’ve got something important to tell you.”
You asked “what is it?”
Taco continued “the reason why I’m single, is because all my past boyfriends have met an unfortunate demise”
You asked “how come?”
Taco said “because, every single time a guy hits my g-spot, a monster erupts from it and kills them.”
As she said this, Yu Narukami from the video game, Persona 4, jumped out of her vagina and landed on the ground like an elegant ballet dancer.
You just stared in shock at the anime boy before reaching deep inside yourself and spouting the grand speech that lay inside of your dormant visage.
“Can I help you?”
You weren’t very good at conversation.
Yu didn’t even bother acknowledging that. The video game protagonist just shouted the iconic words “IZANAGI” before summoning his Persona to his aid.
Yu then extended his index finger and pointed directly at you, signaling his Persona to slaughter you at once.
Izanagi did as it was told and began slicing at you. Its sword moved like the wind, it was practically invisible with how fast Izanagi swung it.
Unlike most, you didn’t falter under pressure. Instead, you dodged the Persona’s swipes like an expert before calling out your stand. By the way you’re also a stand user, I just forgot to mention it until now.
“GOLD EXPERIENCE REQUIEM!” you yelled as your stand appeared by your side.
Fists flew and swords clanged as Gold Experience Requiem and Izanagi exchanged attack rushes at speeds too intense for a regular person to conceive.
Finally, the fighting seemed to come to a head when Izanagi’s sword shattered against Gold Experience Requiem’s fist.
Shards of metal flew in all directions and embedded themselves in various parts of the wall and floor.
Gold Experience Requiem then finished Izanagi by punching him in the face so hard that his head flew off, Killer Klowns from Outer Space style.
As the Persona’s lifeless body fell to the floor, you waltzed up to Yu Narukami like an absolute badass and cooly asked “any last words?”
Yu said “it was just a prank dude.”
“MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!” yelled your stand as it launched an unforgiving swathe of punches into Yu Narukami.
As Yu was sent into a loop of infinite death, the video game character just said “meh, still better than becoming a Salaryman.”
As soon as the fighting ended, Taco rushed over and planted a kiss on your mouth, grateful that her corndog is no longer cursed.
…..
A year had passed and now the two of you were married. The two of you had three kids, and all of them looked like clones of Charles Bronson.
The both of you watched the sunset, knowing life couldn’t get any better than this.
I have no idea how to end this fic so here are some fun facts about rocks.
-The earth’s crust is made out of rocks
-Metamorphic rocks are created when they are exposed to an excess of heat
-The oldest living rock on planet earth is 4.28 billion years old
-The term for studying rocks is Petrology