Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

IV swallows roughly. His eyes were fixed on the door in front of him and his hand halfway raised for a knock.

He had to apologise to III. He had to. He had been a shit earier and now he felt like shit.

He had felt off the whole day. He burned dhis fingner when he made breakfast eggs, he slmost tripped over his guitar wires in the rehearsal room. III noticed that his head was elsewhere in the morning already, he had noticed him stimming, legs restles and fingers twitching.

And as always, III was just acting like the caring boyfriend he always was. He asked IV if he could help, if everything was fine, if he could do something. IV knew III only meant good, he always did. Cause if there was one thing III could never stop, even if he wanted to, it was caring.

But today? It was too much for IV, too much care, too much III shuffling around, too much attention.

Up until the point where he snapped and glared at III. "God dammit III, just leave me alone for a second, alright?! I don't need your shit ass care, I need peace for once!" He had snapled at III.

And god, this look in IIIs eyes. The pure hurt. IV knew this was one of IIIs most vulnerable points. Because III knew he could be much. But he showed his affection in physical touch and the way he cared. And getting told he should stop caring, that just made him feel like what he did and feel was invalid. That his care was not valid.

But IV was too much in his own head, too overwhelmed and stressed, so he couldn't think about that in that moment. He just snapped and then lelft off stomping away, the last thing he saw was IIIs lip trembling and eyes watering. But in that moment he just couldn't care.

But now, a few hours later, he did care. And now he was standing in front of IIIs room, hand still hovering useless in the air, eyes starri g at theh wood of the door. For a moment he wondered if he was even allowed to knock at this door right now. If he, who was responsible for IIIs pain, was seven allowed to gegt to him now. He took a deep, grounding breath, then another. He had to. He had to reach out to III. He owed that to III.

Finally, he knocked.

There was sno answer. He knew he deserved it. But III didn't, he didn't deserve what IV had said and he didn't deserve to be left alone now.

So instead, he knocked again, this time immediately saying something himself. "III, please. I- can I come in?" Still no answer.

This time, he pushed the door open a bit. Only far enough to peek into the room and see III on his bed with headphones on. 'Course be didn't hear the knocks. Noise cancelling headphones and probably on full volume, he wouldn't hear anything through them.

Slowly, IV stepped in and closed the door behind him. He swallowed at the sight in front of him, it made his heart clench, especially because he knew this was his fault.

III sat against the headboard, legs curled tight against his chest and face buried against his knees. His fingers were tangled tightly in his hair and the silence was deafening in the room. There was no body wrenching sob and no sniffle. And that made it even worse.

Because IV knew, all that had happened already. Now followed the silence. The time where the thoughts where eating away at III and he just tried to silence them with even more noise.

IV knew III was struggling with himself sometimes and that he went spiraling pretty hard. Especially when someone said something like that to him. And it was not the first time IV was reason for it. When he came here, he had been overwhelmed by III more than once. Bht he learned to accept his care, learned to lean into it even. Except for days like today.

IV swallowed roughly and sat down on the edge of the bed, making it dip under his weight and III notice his presence. His head snapped up and he stared at IV.

His eyes were big and glassy and all IV could see was hurt, so much of it, it hurt him too.

He looked away for a moment, down at his hands in his lap and then back up. III had turned off his music and pulled down his headphones.

They stared at each other in silence for a moment, before IV took a breath. "I'm sorry III. I'm- I acted like shit."

III huffs lowly and looks at IV even more broken. "I wanted to help you..", he whispered lowly and IV pressed his lips together. The wag IIIs voice quivered, then cracked, the way he looked at him. God, it broke IV.

"I know that, III. I know that. God, I'm so horrible. You're not wrong for caring, you never are." He rubs his hand over his face and blinks at III with glassy eyes on his own now. "I just- everything was too much today. I felt so.. off. I.. I just didn't know what to do with my own feelings. And this is a shit apology for my behaviour but I'm sorry III. I swear you, I'm sorry."

III starred at him for another rlong moment in silence, before he slowly spread out his legs on the bed and untangled his fingers from his hair. "Can- can I hug you?" He asked lowly.

A sound left IV at that, almost a sob, almost a whimper and he nod immediately. "Yes, fuck, yes."

He slipped closer on the bed, now kneeling next to III and wrapping his arms tightly around him, while the bassist does the same, burying his face against IVs shoulder. IIIs brearh shuddered against IVs shoulder when he finally was allowed to wrap his arms around the smallertm one, when he finally was allowed to hug IV and it made IVs heart clench again. "I'm sorry III. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to make this day shit for you too."

And III? He just nods and sniffles lowly. "I know. You didn't mean it, not your fault my brain doesn't understand that sometimes." His fingers gently trace over IVs back and the guitarist sniffles too now. "Thank you for coming here."

"Thank you for having me." IV murmurs back and III just huffs lowly. "You're great for caring, y'know? Even if I can't always accept it."

But III doesn't answer anymore, only nods and holds IV thighter. He was just glad IV was here, let himself be held anad at the same time helped IIIs head to be a bit more silent again. Because everything III wanted and needed ws to be allowed to care and a apology from IV. And that's all he got.

Chapter Text

II didn't notice at first. Didn't see any change at their singer. He never was one of the loud ones, so it wasn't unusual for Vessel to be silent every now and then.

But one day, II saw it. Not the change, not the silence or the way Vessel moved, but the small flash of white under Vessels sleeve. He blinked, but the next second, Vessels sleeve slipped down further again and II looked away again.

He didn't speak up immediately, only watched. That was when he noticed more and more. How Vessel always pulled his sleeves down, how he always put on long hoodies, preferable oversized. How he preferred to sleep alone again, even though he usually hated it, because when no one was there, the nightmares came back. It had worried II there already, but he didn't want to pressure Vessel too much, because he knew Vessel needed space sometimes.

But when he saw that flash of white? Something in his brain clicked. But he prayed that the thought that was lingering in his head now was wrong. He prayed it wasn't what he thought. But to be sure, he had to find out, he had to ask Vessel about it. He had to make sure he was wrong, just to calm his mind.

In the evening, he knocked at Vessels door. It took a few moments, then Vessel called him in. When II stepped in, they blinked at each other for a moment in silence, then II stepped closer and set down on the edge of the bed, close to Vessel, but not crowding him. "Can I ask you something?" IIs voice was rough, only from thinking about he could be right.

Vessel looked at him for a long moment in silence, before he slowly nodded. His legs were crossed, his hands placed in his lap. "Can I see your arms?" II asked. There was no way to talk around it, to make this pretty, there was only asking and going into this head first.

Vessels eyes widened, then he tried to mask his reaction again and shook his head. II sighed and swallowed. This reaction already told him more than enough answer for II. He looked away for a moment, then looked back at Vessel and he couldn't mask the sad gaze in his eyes. "Ves, I saw.." He said, throat tight now.

"II, it's not-", Ves starts, but II shakes his head. "Don't give me that. Don't lie to me just because you think that would hurt less. I prefer the truth, no matter how much it hurts.", II interrupts the taller man and looks at him serious.

Vessel swallows, then nods. He looks down at his hands in his lap, then slowly pulls his sleeves up. II presses his lips together, then lets out a long breath as his eyes cast over Vessels bandaged forearms. He knew that's what he already expected, even though he hoped to be wrong. But he didn't expect both arms.

"II, look. I'm sorry. I'm trying, I swear I am. I-" II interrupted Vessel by taking his hand gently in his own. "Vessel. Listen. I'm not mad, god, how could I ever be mad at you for your mental state?" II traces his thumb gently over Vessels hand. "I only want to help you. I want to be there for you, please."

They stare at each other for a long moment, then Vessel nods and shuffles forward to lean against II in a tight hug. They sit like that for a long moment in silence, until Vessel lowly speaks again. "I.. uhm... I was about to rebandage them.." II hugs him a bit tighter and nods. "Let me help?", he whispers lowly back and after a moment, Vessel nods.

They don't talk in the process. They just silently get to the bathroom, Vessel sits down on the edge of the bathtub, II gets the first aid kit, the hum of the bathroom light the only thing filling the silence. Slowly, he unwrapped the bandages, then pulled away the compresses. He didn't flinch at the sight. Not because it wasn't bad, but for Vessel. It wasn't the first time he did this for Vessel, it wasn't the first time he saw that. But even though it hurt him to see it, he didn't flinch, because Vessel needed calm support, not someone stressing him out. He also didn't react on Vessels breath catching when II pulled away the last bit of coverage from the wounds to show them to the drummer. He stayed silent, even as Vessels breath shuddered.

II gently cleaned the wounds, some older than the others, his eyes slowly tracking over them. Still, he kept his mouth shut. Vessel didn't flinch, didn't say anything either. Not when II cleaned the wounds, not when he treated them gently, not when he put new compresses on them and wrapped new bandages over them. Silence was all that filled the room and just when II was done, Vessel lowly whispered: "Thank you."

II looked up at him, gaze sad, but still a soft smile on his lips. "Not for this." Then he stepped between Vessels legs and wrapped his arms around the other gently. He placed one hand on the back of Vessels head, the other on his back and pulled him gently against his chest, while the singer wrapped his arms around IIs hips.

They stayed like this for a long time in silence, until II spoke up again. "Let me stay with you tonight? Please?", He asked lowly in the silence and Vessel nod against his chest. They moved silent again to Vessels room and in his bed. II let Vessel decide how they settled, then followed lead when Vessel laid down and slipped on the bed next to him.

Vessel hid his face against IIs chest again, II wrapped his arms around him again. "Tomorrow, I'll do it again, yeah?", II whispered lowly and Vessel nod silently. "Please don't leave.", he only answered and II shook his head.

"Never. We got this. One day after another. I'll be there for you every one of them." He whispered back and like that, he held Vessel through the night. II stayed awake till the singers breath evened out against his chest and rested heavily against him, he buried his nose in the singers hair and held him tight, even when the others limbs went slack. And when he was sure Vessel was deep asleep, he lowly whispered in the room: "I'll be there for you. Always."

Chapter Text

When III got up, he already felt off. Dizzy and sweaty, but at the same time he was freezing and shivering. Still, he dragged himself down in the kitchen, where the other where already sitting. Vessel looked up from his tea, brows furrowing at the sight of III. II, who sat with his back towards the door, turned around and his gaze turned full on worried. IV, next to Vessel looked worried as well.

When he pressed out a shaking "M-morning guys", II was already up on his feet next to him. "God, III, you look horrible..", he states and III huffs lowly, dragging a hand through his messy red hair. "Thanks, I love you too.", he murmured back and looked at the small drummer. "Shut it, III. I mean it, you okay?" He countered back and looked at III with a worried gaze.

III shrugged, then shivered violently. "Yeah, no.. I don't know... Feeling like I'm getting a bit sick." II raised a brow at that.
"You're not 'getting sick', you are sick, my dear." III couldn't stop IIs hand when it raised to his forehead, wrist pressing against his skin. "You are burning, love.", IIs voice turned soft and his gaze too.

"Come on, get up and we'll get you back to bed." III looked up with raised brows and then turned to look at the other two men on the table. "You guys could say something too to that, or it he the boss now?", he said, pointing at II next to him. But Vessels brows were still furrowed and IV pressed his lips together. "You really do look like  shit, III. I think getting back to bed would be the best..", IV lowly stated and looked apologising at him.

Vessel mustered him a moment longer, his brows not moving a inch. "II said you're burning. Means you're having a horrible fever. Nothing to sit around with here. Go back to bed, III." At that, III groaned and let his head drop back in his neck. Which was, to be really honest a damn stupid thing to do, because now everything was spinning. He groaned again. "Alright.. fuck.." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Got it, got it, I'm leaving."

II held out a hand to him and smiled softly. "Come on, love. I'll get you tugged up." This made III huff lowly, but he took the hand and got up with IIs help. "I'll bring you some tea.",  IV offered and already got up  from the table to make some tea ready. III only nodded and let himself be lead by II.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and took off his trousers again. When he wanted to pull off his shirt too, II stopped him. "Leave it on. You need warmth." III scrunched his nose at that. "I'm already burning up and you  tell me to get heated up even more?", He grumbles, even though he knew II was right with that.

"Don't  start discussions, lay down. Don't think I didn't notice  you swaying on the way here.", II commanded and pressed III down on his shoulder. With a sigh, he let himself be lead and laid down. While II started to tug him under his blankets, he huffed lowly. "You're bossy. And short..", he mumbled, already tired from this bit of moving he did and feeling more and more dizzy from the fever. II looked up at him and shook his head. "And you're a idiot. But I love you."

Gently, II brushed some sweaty curls of hair from IIIs forehead and smiled softly at him. "Now sleep, you need it." IIIs sighed frustrated, but laid still as told, watching II open the window a bit and then leave him again.

He closed his eyes, but even though he was tired, he couldn't sleep. But not long after, IV came in with a thermos bottle and a cup. "Hey love. Your tea." He sat it  down on the bedside table and looked down at III softly. "You look tired. Try to get some sleep."

That made III sigh frustrated. "I am tired. Just.. don't feel like  sleeping.." He looked up at IV for a long moment and then reached with one hand for the guitarist. "Stay with me?" He asked lowly and IVs expression softened incredibly. "Oh dear, of course." He sat down on the bed next to III and leaned back against the headboard. With a smile III nuzzled his head against IVs thigh. "Thank you..", he murmured, closing his eyes.

IV smiled softly and reached for the book on IIIs nightstand. The book he always read out to  IIIs. "Want me to  read something to  you?", he lowly asked and III  only nodded. IV could feel how heated up his skin was through the fabric of his trousers and suppressed a low sigh. He just opened the book, holding it in one hand, while his other found it's place on IIIs shoulder.

Like that, he read out, until III  fell asleep and even after, he stayed. Holding the other man gently through his fever dreams and shivers, always ready to be there for him when he needed it.

Chapter Text

IV always stayed.

With Vessel, whenever depression tried to pull him under again and keep him away. When he hid under his blankets for days and barley managed to speak. When his hands trembled in the hold of someone else, but without any touch he felt like he was drowning. IV stayed.

He held Vessels hand through day and night. He would sit with him, lay with him, keep him company always and everywhere, wherever Vessel wanted to his away.

He would hold him, though sobs, through shivers, through silence. It didn't matter, IV would always stay.

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With III, whenever he had a new hyper focus he wanted to talk about. Whenever he had a new bass-riff idea he wanted to show someone orwanted to show off, that he can play the guitar, just prefers the bass. Then IV sat with him, listening to all the songs III knew and could play. Even when III said stuff like: "Not a mastermind like you pretty boy, but enough for a campfire, right?"

Whenever III finished a new book or watched another movie or series, IV sat with him and listenend to everything III wanted to get off his mind. Whether he wanted to rage over stupid couple things in romance; the way the victims mostlg always fucked up in horror ot thriller; or just anything else. Or if he wanted to excitedly about something that had ever been said in the book or series. Or just wanted to talk about just anything that had happened.

IV stayed and listened to him. He stayed and watched him, when he was cooking or working on a new hobby too. It didn't matter if he was needed as helpnor just company. He stayed.

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With II. For just anything and everything.

For cooking together, in silence or with a lot of talking, of to just hug him from behing and place kisses on his neck.

He stayed when II needed help with a new drum solo or filler. Even though IV had no idea from drumming. He listened, tried to help as best as he could and then stayed even longer.

He stayed for long nights in silence on the couch to read books together or to cuddle and whisper silently to each other. He stayed for cuddles through the night and for waking up together slowly. He stayed however II needed him in that moment.

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But sometimes IV forgot that he wasn't the only one who stayed. The otheres stayed for him too.

And sometimes he needed a little reminder of that. Because somedays, he was the one who felet lost. The one who's thoughts circled. The one who wandered the halls after another nightmare. The one who didn't find it in himself to stay.

Then he needed a reminder.

That III would stay after every nightmare, for however long he needed it. He would hold him throughbday and night and place gentle kisses on his hair and face. Would whisper sweet nothings until IV calmed down again.

That II would stay with him and let the thoughts unravel, whether if it was loud or silent, he stayed and didn't leave IV alone with his thoughts. He tried to sort through everything, hold IVs hand, would wrap his arms around him when he needed it. He'd to anything till IV was sorted again.

And Vessel would stay, everytime he noticed IV wasn't himself. Because he knew that feeling. That feeling of being lost and alone and  not knowing what todo with himself. He knew it too well, so he would just silently sit with IV whenever he needed it and stay. Just until IV felt a little less lost again.

Because IV always stayed, he sometimes forgot they did the same. But they did everything to remind him.

They too, stay.

Chapter Text

From the four of them, II probably had the least horrible past - not that he hadn't a heavy past, but most definitely the least horrendous. At least that's what the others thought.

That's why II most of the time was the anchor for everyone else. Back when it was just Vessel and him, he held Vessel through everything, stayed by his side and tried to help fight against the demons in his head. Talked him through it, reassured him and let him tell about what's going on in his head.

When III joined, he sat with him too. Listened to every yapping about everything he wanted. Let III speak out his thoughts and reassured him, despite everything he got ever told, that it was fine to talk for hours and hours. He let III blow off steam and energy and was there for him, whenever he needed it.

When IV joined, it was a whole new thing. IVs past was a new different level. All of them were desperate to help him heal, because he'd learned to hate his body and hide away. And seeing him like that hurt all of them. And whenever Vessel couldn't hold IV through his horrors and calm him, because his own mind was too loud, II or III were there, splitting up to hold them both.

II had held all of them, through tears, through panic, through night horrors and self hate. When the thoughts are too loud and everything else is dulled.

But they almost never found out about IIs past. If he had a horrible story, and if, what had happened. They only knew, he definitely did have some horrible things in the past going on. Because all of them had, that's why Sleep had chosen them.

Vessel was the only one who knew at least fractures of IIs past, since they had been alone together in the beginning. But even what he knew wasn't much and he'd never talk about it without IIs permission.

But II didn't really talk about it. Actually, he never did.

That's why everyone was up on their feet in seconds, when a scream rippled through the whole manor from IIs room. It took not even a minute for all of them to be in his room, finding him heaving and shaking on the floor, tangled in his sheets.

Vessel was by his side in a breath kneeling next to him on the floor.

IIs gaze was unfocused and hazy, still lost in whatever horror he woke up from. "II?", Vessel whispered lowly, but the drummer didn't react.

IIs hands were shaking in his lap and his eyes flickered through the room, from Vessel to IV, to the wall, to III and back to Vessel. IV stood half behind III, looking at the smaller one worried, same as the bassist. Slowly, III reached for IVs hand, knowing that he would need it, while not taking any step forward.

"II, do you hear me?", Vessel tried again and the drummer, who had been starring at III and IV now, let's his gaze snap back to Vessel.

His eyes are wide with pure fear and panic, no word leaving his mouth, only a small gut wrenching sound, almost a whimper. Vessel swallowed roughly and looked back at III and IV.

"Guys, do me a favour and get out? Give him space. We shouldn't crowd him.", Vessels voice was low, to not startle II too much in his current state. He hated to say that, because he knew both III and IV where very touchy people and all they wanted to do was to pull II into their arms.

Watching IVs eyes tear up but him nodding, knowing Vessel was right, hurt the singer. But they all know it was for the best. III squeezed IVs hand silently and pulled him gently against his side and out of the room.

As soon as the door closed, Vessel turned back to II and looked at him worriedly. "II, love, please look at me." He whispered and watched the smaller ones eyes flicker. Somehow he looked at him, and at the same time he didn't.

Vessel looked at IIs shaking hands, but didn't know if he should reach out. He didn't want to scare II away, but also didn't want him to get lost in his brain too much. So after a moment of hesitation, he slowly reached out, giving II all the time to pull back if needed. When he didn't, Vessel gently placed his hand on IIs, not gripping, only soft contact of skin on skin.

"It's alright II, I'm here." He whispers lowly and II only whimpers as answer. Vessel swallows roughly. "Honeybee." He whispers lowly, knowing that pet name always worked with the small one.

IIs eyes locked on Vessel, but he still didn't say anything. "Can you breathe with me? Just breathing."

IIs breath shuddered, then caught in his throat when he tried to force a deep breath in his lungs. Vessel shook his head and traced his thumb over IIs hand. "Shh, shh. Not like that. Slow. Not too deep. Slow, small breaths honeybee. Match me, yeah?"

Vessel took slow breaths, not too deep, knowing II wouldn't be able to do that. Only short in and out. And II slowly tried to readjust to that, tried to copy and match Vessels breathing.

"Just like that. Yes, perfect. Breath. Come back to me." II did, he slowly was able to take more proper breaths and shuddered less. But as soon as his breathing had calmed halfway and the panic of the dream faded, tears welled in his eyes and started to stream down his cheeks.

Vessel fought with the urge to pull II against his chest immediately and instead traced his thumb over his hand. "Can I hold you?" He asked lowly and II hesitated a long moment, before he finally nod.

Vessel let out a relieved breath, being allowed to wrap his arms around his loved one and pull him against his chest. II leaned against him, burying his face against Vessels shoulder, shaking again, this time from sobs wrecking through him.

Vessel didn't shush him, didn't whisper sweet nothings to calm him down, he only held him. One hand between IIs shoulder blades, his thumb gently tracing over his back, the other on the back of his head, holding him hidden against his shoulder.

He sat with II like that for however long the smaller one cried against his shoulder. And even when his tears had finally dried and only silent sobs stayed behind, Vessel didn't let go. "I got you." He lowly whispered and II clutched his hands in Vessels shirt.

"D-don't leave." He whispers so low, raspy and broken that Vessel almost missed it. But when he heard IIs desperate whisper, he held him a bit firmer. "Never, II, never." He whispered back, voice raspy too.

Vessel fought with himself for a very long time in his head. But then he finally pushed himself, remembering II always tried to make them talk through everything too. "II, love, can.. can you tell me what you've been dreaming?" He asked lowly.

II took a shuddering breath and then another. His fingers flexed in Vessels shirt and he sniffled lowly.

"Just.. was... T-there we're the flames and all the smoke and.." IIs voice choked off. "The whole manor.. b-burned and.. I couldn't.." IIs breath hitched. "I couldn't save y-you. Any of y-you.." He sobbed again.

Vessel held him tighter, but didn't say anything, not yet. "It was just.. it was like back then..." II curled tighter against Vessel and sobbed rougher again. "I-it was just.. like when.. when I was.." He took another shuddering breath. "When I was younger..."

Vessel swallowed roughly. That was more than he ever heard about IIs past.

He slowly stsrted to rub slow, soothing circles on IIs back with his hand the other still craddling his head. "Nothing's burning love. You're save. We all are." Vessel whispered after a long paise, thinking that was all. But then II sobs again.

"I couldn't save her Ves. It's all my fault. I couldn't-" A body wrecking sob shakes II amd with him Vessel slightly. "God, I'm horrible..."

Vessel closed his eyes for a moment, holding II tightly against his chest and taking a deep breath himself. Seeing him breaking broke something in Vessel too. "Breath, II. Don't forget to breath my love, please.." He whispered and II tried, he really did. But more often than not he failed to take a proper breath.

"It's all my fault, Vessel.." II whispered again, sobbing. Vessel didn't stop rubbing soothing circles into IIs back and leaned his head lightly against IIs.

"What is your fault, honeybee? Talk to me, please." He asked lowly, trying not to pressure II, but still understand what he's trying to say.

II was silent for a long moment then. He breathes slow and tries to steady his breathing again. And a bit, it does work. His fingers, that were curled in Vesselsl shirt, slowly let go and he pulled away. Immediately, Vessel let go, giving him all the space he needed.

He didn't talk to fill the silence, only watched II moving. He reached for his blanket, pulled it over his head and shoulders and tightly around himself. Vessel knew that acting. He did it himself very often. The feeling of a shield, of being shut out tto the world a bit more like that, it helped sometimes. It helped to feel saver.

Then II leaned back against Vessel, a bit more sideways this time, his face not buried in a shirt muffling his voice. Vessel wrapped his arms around him and the blanket, one hand on IIs hip, the other on his shoulder. Still, he didn't fill the silence, only held II, his thumb gently stroking over the blanked where it rested over IIs shoulder.

After a long moment, II spoke again. "My family died in a fire. We'll, my parents did.. a-and my youngest brother, that wasn't born yet.." II whispered lowly.

For a moment, Vessel held his breath when he realised II was about to tell him his story. Then he continued to breath low and slow, too scared any loud breath or sudden movement would scare II back to silence.

"I- My sister and I came to different foster families." Vessel watched IIs hand curl tightly around the blanket, knuckles almodt whitening. "My parents were shit. Emotional blackmailing, gaslighting, all this shit. They played with my mind until I thought I'm going insane.. There happened more things, but.. I don't wanna go into it now, too much..." II swallowed roughly and went silent for a moment.

But Vessel knew better than filling that silence with useless talking, so he stayed silent, waited and rubbed his thumb gently over IIs shoulder, showing he was there and listening.

"My younger sister was in another family. I don't know how it was there. She tried to reach out to me, but I only learned years later. My new parents contained every letter she wrote from me, I never received them." IIs voice wasn't really shaking anymore, is wasn't breaking. It slowly went dull, as if he was telling the story of someone else.

"I got out of my foster family's house as soon as I could, getting away from that abusive household.." He swallowed roughly and took a deep breath, shaking again. "I tried to find my sister then. It was then that I found out she tried to reach out and about the letters my parents never gave me.."

IIs hands started to shake again and he sobbed. "Maybe I could've.. Maybe if I just knew.. If I could've seen here earlier..." A new tear rolled over his cheek, followed by more.

"It was then that I found out she had dbeen in a beautiful family. They were all absolutely lovely. At least their parents. They were beyond broken to tell me my sister attempted suicide two weeks before I came.." II buried his face in his blanket and shook heavily with sobs. "Fuck, I might could've saved her. If I just.. just two weeks."

Vessel didn't dare to speak, only held II tighter and swallowed roughly. Seeing him breaking like that broke something in him too.

"It's my fault, Ves. It's all mine." II whimpered lowly and sniffled in the blanket. "I could still have her. At least her. She didn't deserve that.. she could've had.. she would be twenty-three now..."

II broke down harder again into wreckcing sobs and Vessel pulled him tighter against his chest again, burying his nose in the blanket against IIs head. His thumb strill stroking steadily over his shoulder.

"I can't do this again. I can't loose you. Please. Please never.." II whimpered lowly sobbing roughly and Vessel understood.

He took a deep, shaking breath. "Never, II. I won't leave you. Not like that. Not in any way, ever." Vessel whispered lowly and placed a gentle kiss on IIs head. "I'm here. I got you. Forever."

II sobbed hard again, his knuckles are whitening out now where he clutched the blanket around himself, burying his nkse in it. "In my dream.. IV and III.. everything burned and they..." He sobbed roughly. "And you couldn't take it, when they were gone and.. It was just like it was with my sister I-I couldn't.. I couldn't save you. Fuck. I can't save anyone. I'm so u-"

That was the moment where Vessel the first and only time shushed II. "Shhh, II. No. Nothing of that was your fault. Never." Vessel spoke lowly in a soothing tone. "Not back then, not now. You didn't know. Your new parents were at fault for not giving you the letters. Then you knew, then you could've seen her earlier. But that wasn't your fault. Same as the fire. It wasn't your fault. Who knows how that happened. But not your fault. You were a child. You couldn't have saved your parents. You couldn't have saved your sister, you didn't know. You were a child, II."

II sobbed through Vessels words, but slowly nodded. He didn't say anything, onlg cried in Vessels arms a second time for the evening and curled tighter in against Vessels chest again. "I just.. I wish I saw her at least one last time..." He whispered after a long moment of silence.

Vessel nod. "I know what you mean.." He says, keeping his voice low in the silent room. His thumb still kept that patternr of gently rubbing over IIs shoulder and Vessels nose rested against IIs shoulder.

They sat for a long moment in silent again, until Vessel dared to speak again. "Would you be fine if we get you back to bed? It's more comfortable and could feel saver than the hard wood floor." Vessel suggested and II took a moment, before he nod hesistantly.

Vessel moved slow and silent, letting go of II, then getting up and helping the smaller one to get up too. His legs were shaking and Vessel was glad it was only one step he had to take to sit back fown on the bed.

II crawled silently in the middle of the bed, still wrapped in the blanket and sat down there. Vessel slowly slipped next to him. "You wanna sit or lay down?" Vessel asked lowly and II looked up at him.

His eyes spoke more than a thousand words. He was scared and broken and sad. He looked just like he was fifteen again, when all this happened. He swallowed roughly and took a deep breath. "L-lay down.." He whispered, voice rough and shaking.

Vessel nod, then waited for II to move firsf, following his lead. So when the smaller one laid down, he did the same, laying on his side and facing him. Before he could say something, II already lifted the blanket, inviting him to come under it too. So Vessel slipped under it to II and dlelt him wrap the blanket around them both, in the same breath he let his arm wrap around Vessels hip. Vessel just silently wrapped his arms around II too, one hand on his lower back, the other between his shoulders again.

It was silent for a long time, where Vessel got lost in thoughts. After everything II told him, it didn't surprise him at all, that he was fracturing like that. Actually, after everything they've been through together, he was surprised it didn't happen earlier. II had held all of them up for so long, all their problems and traumas, while burying his own. It was fascinating that he was still up on his feet like that.

At least till tonight. Seeing him break like that, it hurt Vessel. He'd known II for so long and yes, he knew he definitely had some horrible things happening in his past, but he never knew what exactly. Only that II had been fifteen and when they got to know each other, he definitely had somem struggles to accept care of someone and believe that the love he was given was real and not played no manipulate. That's all Vessel knew back then. But now? Now he gets everything so much better.

"II?" He whispered lowly, not quite sure if the other fell asleep. When he answered with a silent hum and a small nod, Vessel swallowed. "I'm sorry. Not for what happened. But for.. for me. That you had to go through this fear of losing someone a second time like this. I didn't mean to trigger you again and again, everytime I was.. I was in my episodes and talked shit like that.."

IIs fingers curl in Vessels shirt and he shaked his head. "You didn't. All I could think about was that this time, I'm gonna make everything right. This time I won't loose. Not you, not III, not IV. I just wanted.. I wanted to make everything right. Hold you, help you, doing everything to just not loose you. None of you. Not again. I wasn't exactly.. scared, just... desperate to save you. To show myself I can save someone." IIs voice was rough, rasping and low enough for Vessel to strain his ears. But he didn't complain, only listened harder.

His thumb rubbed gentle circles between IIs shoulder blades and he placed a soft kiss on top of IIs head where he buried his face against his chest. "You saved me, II. More than you know. So much more than I could ever explain. I'm here, because you were there when I needed you the most. You can save people. And I'm sure as hell you did it more than once."

II sniffled against his shirt again. "Just don't go, Vessel, please. Not now, not ever. I can't.. I can't do this again." And Vessel shook his head, placing another kiss on top of IIs head. "I'm not going anywhere. You stayed backc then. Now I'm staying. You catched my fractured self when I wasn't ab l e to do it myself, I'm doing the same for you. Always, got it?" He murmured back, pulling II tighter against his chest.

The drummer shook slightly and nod. "Thank you Ves.." He whispered lowly and then they fell into silence. They didn't talk more, not for this night. Vessel held II, like he promised and like he got always held from the other in the past. Like he always knew he'd do for him too.