Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Bakugou Katsuki was not good with dealing with loss of any kind.

As a child, he boasted advanced intellect, physical prowess, and an amazing quirk- one as dynamic and explosive as his personality. There was just something within him that constantly thirsted for strength, to always be number one. There was just something within him which made him feel the need to put other people down in order to know that he was above them. He was a competitive winner, with an almost-compulsive need to be the best in everything.

Looking back, it was not something he was proud of. Something he was even more not proud of however, was the shitty way he treated Deku.

‘Deku’ has long since become a term of familiarity rather than an insult. ‘Deku’ reminded him more of curly green hair and little freckles dusted across cheeks. ‘Deku’ reminded him of an impossible will to pursue his dreams and die-hard determination.

And now the name ‘Deku’ made his insides ache and bite from the emptiness he felt.

Katsuki was minutely aware of the effect Deku had on him. For all the times he snarled and pushed the green-haired boy away with biting remarks and pure aggression, he remembered Deku responding with bright green eyes matching his crimson eyes head on, with the tiniest of smiles on his face- one that never failed to catch him off-guard.

He remembered himself continually making an effort to push away the green-haired boy, but somehow Deku always came the closest to breaking through the walls he put in so much effort to build up. It filled him with innate irritation, and Katsuki gritted his teeth with the knowledge that it was Deku- fucking Deku, who made him feel this way.

Months passed and the insults quickly grew repetitive. One might even say they became fucking redundant. Katsuki watched on as Deku grew day by day and gained lots of people who were his friends. Sometimes his mind wandered, and he wondered if Deku still considered him a friend even after all the shitty things he had done to him. Maybe that was the motivation that made him begin to consciously make the effort to not insult Deku- because he was suddenly aware that his own development barely held a candle to all the growing Deku has done.

Deku was no longer worthless, and neither was he quirkless. But regrettably, ‘Kacchan’ remained an asshole.

Around him, commotion raged on, as if reflecting his heart in turmoil. It made him feel goddamned sick.

(He laughed, but it was empty and without humor. The death of Midoriya Izuku had impacted many, but Bakugou Katsuki was undoubtedly the one who had taken the news the worst.)

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Broken.

The amount of obscene wreckage was hard to comprehend. Rubble of fallen buildings were scattered across the street, and there was complete, utter chaos. It took him a while to realize how afraid he was.

“ Deku- Oi, Deku! Where the hell are you, fucking bastard?”

The few seconds of silence was killing him. But his reply came in the form of a familiar green-haired boy tumbling his way out of a bunch of rocks, and relief immediately spilled into his heart.

“I’m here, Kacchan.” Izuku responded, his smile as aggravating as ever. If the little nerd was afraid, he did a good job hiding it.

That moment, Katsuki should have realised that something was wrong.

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When he was clearing out his old belongings from U.A, Katsuki came across perhaps the only photo they had together. Technically, they did not even take the picture in question- it was merely just a picture that had both of them in it together. Somehow, the picture made it look like they were friends-normal friends, even. Katsuki wondered who took the picture. It was probably that annoying angel-faced Uraraka girl who always hung around Deku.

He spared the picture another glance. In class, Deku stood, a fresh smile plastered onto his face, his hands tucked behind his back as he seemed to be talking to someone out of the picture. His eyes sparkled as he talked. Beside him, Katsuki was sitting down, face propped against his hands, a disgruntled look from his face as he made to turn away from the green-haired midget. From the looks of it, it seemed that they had been conversing before someone else began to talk to Deku.

“Heh.” Katsuki resisted the urge the scoff before reluctantly giving a smile. If only they had actually been friends. They were barely friends, but if he and Deku had been anything more than that, it would have been fucking fantastic.

The picture crumpled itself as it made its way into the blonde’s pocket, and Katsuki looked on.

(Guess it’s too late now.)

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“Kacchan, listen.” His eyes whipped towards Deku as he spoke. For just a moment, there had been just a flicker of hesitation in his voice, and he had definitely heard it.

“You should go look around for survivors. I’ll head over there first and see if I can find the villain.” Predictably, Katsuki was not one to take orders that easily, and out of habit he growled back.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Deku! As if I’m going to let you go off by your goddamn-“

Suddenly, he was acutely aware of Deku’s arms over him, and his breath hitched. His eyes widened from the physical- and uncalled for- contact.  Now if only he could trade his explosions for the ability to stop time. That would be amazing.

“Kacchan,” Katsuki heard him whisper, his voice sounding shaky millimetres from beside his ear, and his attention snapped back to the situation at hand.

“Please, just this once- listen to me.”

In response, Katsuki’s head moved in the slightest, and Deku pulled away from him with the tiniest of smiles on his face. The green-haired boy turned away, and his touch lingered on his skin. The blonde watched him walk away, dazed and afraid of the uncertainty in his heart.

“Thanks, Kacchan.”

(That image of Deku walking away haunted him to this very day.)

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Aimlessly Katsuki moved around, and his legs travelled of their own accord. The picture of Deku is securely tucked away into his breast pocket. It might be cheesy, but it was closest to his heart that way.

As he walked on, the leaden weight of his feet became a burden, and for a minute his vision blurred out.

(When had he last slept? What were the other heroes doing? Where were they? Where was he-)

Katsuki did not know, and neither did he give a damn anymore. But something compelled him to stop, and so he does.

Looking up, he realised that he was standing in front of the Midoriya’s house. For a while, he stood there, dumbfounded. But then the door swung open and the woman he recognised as Midoriya Inko stood in the doorway, hastily wiping away fresh tears from her eyes. Moments passed as the two regarded each other, and he watched as the woman’s lips pull up into a small smile.

(The bright-green eyes and mousy features remind him too much of the goddamned nerd.)

“Katsuki-kun?”

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He stiffened.

Biting his lips in frustration, he set the girl in his arms to where safety was, before looking around once more in open impatience. Nothing. No green hair in sight, no nerd wearing a ridiculous jumpsuit... nothing.

Katsuki spotted the others and stormed their way. Vaguely, in his disoriented state, he recognized some of them- hair-for-brains Kirishima, goddamned Todoroki, and the Uraraka girl.

He tore his way through the circle and looked round in agitation, a wild look in his red eyes.

“Where the hell is he?” Katsuki demanded, his voice breaking into a roar as he took in the silence. The loud silence that followed made his palms sweat too much for his liking. He noticed how Uraraka refused to meet his eyes and clenched his fists. How he desperately wanted someone to just give him an answer already, to put an end to the stifling silence.

(Katsuki swallowed, and something sinked within the pits of his stomach.)

“Where’s Deku?!”

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“He’s gone.”

Katsuki somehow managed to bite out, and his traitorous eyes begun to sting.

Inko smiled, but it could barely be called one- if more, it was more like the corners of her lips were pulling up in broken resignation. With shaky arms, she embraced the only person closest to family she had left.

“I know.” Deku’s mother spoke, and Katsuki did not try to hide his tears. After all, he was just as broken as she was.

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The frog-girl had been the one to find him three days later. He learnt later that her name was Tsuyu Asui.

“Midoriya-chan.” She had said, round black eyes full of abandonment.

 “He’s dead.” There was a broken edge to her voice, and hearing the words from her mouth shattered his world.

(Something about her looked empty, too.)

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Despite his absence which left his room bare and lonely, Deku’s room was without a speck of dust, and he knew that it must have been the work of his mother.

On a shelf, different colored notebooks lay stacked neatly and almost compulsively. Something about them were overbearingly familiar, and out of hesitant curiosity, he pulled out one labelled ‘Hero Analysis for the Future- no. 7’.

It was painstakingly written, with not one detail left out about any hero. Diagrams were scribbled out in pencil and pieces of eraser dust were in between the pages. Skimming through, he was about to set it back down on the table when his eyes caught kanji that belonged to him.

爆豪勝己 , or 'Bakugou Katsuki', had the back few pages completely dedicated to him. He flipped through the pages, feeling incredulous, scanning through the little details about himself. Little details that Katsuki was not aware of until now.

Deku knew Katsuki better than he knew himself.

In succession, he tentatively pulled out the other notebooks, making his way from numbers 1 to 13. In every notebook, there was always- always a section dedicated to Bakugou Katsuki, and for Katsuki alone. Flipping to number 13, he clenched his fists when he saw scorch marks- unmistakably his- along with the crinkled paper with the tell-tale signs that somehow, such a carefully-maintained notebook had gotten wet. Undoubtedly it was because Bakugou Katsuki had been a fucking idiot.

He almost expected to see the back pages blank, after all, Katsuki had nearly wrecked his notebook, and why would Deku put in so much effort for someone like him?

But with annoying perseverance, his name continued to fill page after page in the book. There was even documentary- meticulously annotated with diagrams- about their heated fight during the Hero/Villain battle trials, the first battle that he had lost.

‘You damned nerd.’

Even so, Katsuki placed the books back carefully, one by one, making sure they were in their correct order. With a sort of tenderness he looked back at them even as he trudged out the room and turned off the lights.

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With the lack of light, it was hard to see, but when he opened his eyes again, Deku was still persistently unmoving.

“He can’t be dead. It’s not- it's not possible.”

Wrapping his mind around the fact that Midoriya Izuku, the person he had always regarded as the unwanted constant of his life was gone was not something he was capable of doing.

“He has never left me before, why would he leave me now?”

Little by little, he deluded himself, his eyes fixed on the lifeless form of his childhood friend. He reached out, feeling almost helpless. Deku had always reminded him of strength and stubborn will and living, but-

“Deku! Are you trying to trick me again?!”

Silence.

Katsuki launched himself towards Deku, palms spluttering with flames with no restraint, burning with the fierce rage of denial. His actions provoked outbursts of ‘Stop him!’ but he didn’t care, he didn’t give a flying fuck, because if- 

A choked noise escaped his throat.

-If Deku was really dead, he wouldn’t know what to do anymore.

“Wake up now, you fucking nerd!”

(They had to pull him away, crazed and kicking and screaming.)

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As he left, a sense of eerie calm befell him as he turned to bid his goodbyes to Deku’s mother.

When he was about to open the door and leave, she suddenly called out to him and he turned around, realising that her eyes had once again turned watery.

“Thank you for dropping by, Katsuki-kun. You have always been Izuku’s hero, you know?” She wiped her eyes on the back of her hands.

“Go be the best hero ever for Izuku, will you?” Midoriya Inko sniffed, sending him a smile full of warmth and motherly love. It wasn’t directed at him, was not even meant for him, but that was not the reason why his heart sank.

How was he going to tell Deku’s mother that he had been neglecting his hero duties?

Ashamedly, he looked down, taking a new-found interest in the floorboards.

“I’ll do my best, Midoriya-san.”

Katsuki left immediately after that. He has overstayed his welcome, and he was not sure if he could remain at that house any longer without breaking apart from the tearing pain.

It was then did the paranoia set in. His footsteps quickened with a sense of urgency, with his hands tucked in his back pocket, and desperately he tried to make it back to his apartment in one piece. The picture from his pocket tumbled out and oh gosh those eyes- those fucking bright-green eyes that took his breath away and-

“Ka-cchan? Kacchan!”

Katsuki’s breath hitched at the nickname but something told him that it was wrong, so wrong. This was not Deku. The voice was too feminine to be his, and it sounded too foreign. However, that knowledge did not stop him from glancing behind and feeling disappointment hit him like a ton of bricks when he saw that it was angel-faced Uraraka Ochako, standing there primly with her hands tucked behind her back.

When he glanced to look behind her, he saw- oh fucking no- the former students of class A, now all full-fledged heroes, all of them looking at him with a sort of manic clarity in their bright eyes. Like they could see right through him, see right through his fears and cowardice. His eyes met Kirishima’s, Todoroki’s and Uraraka’s respectively, and he swallowed.

“Fuck.”

His heart stopped, and in delirious abandonment he ripped the photo from the ground and ran, ran harder than he had ever run before, the photo clutched in his palm like it was his lifeline. He ran from his burdens, his worries, his regrets, and he ran from the living reminders of his time with Deku.

Behind him, shouts echoed and footsteps strayed dangerously close to his, but none of them managed to catch up.

"Kacchan, wait up!"

(Katsuki Bakugou was number one and for a good reason. It made running away all the more easier.)

He darted around streets and weaved around roads because after all, this was the hellhole that he and Deku grew up in. Katsuki slammed his way into his apartment, locking the door behind him and his hands were instinctively held out as if he was preparing to fight. However, the corridor was quiet and without anyone to be seen. There were no traces of the fast class representative, or even Todoroki. Or Kirishima. Or Uraraka.

Lowering his hands, Katsuki tucked the photo back into his pocket and he breathed hard, his nose catching a musty scent in his apartment.

As he backed away from the door, he accidentally kicked a box of possessions from his U.A High days, and his actions caused several bottles to fall over onto the ground in successive clinks. The glass bottles caught the light and reflected brilliant, bright-green.

The bitter musk and the scent of smoke became more and more pronounced as Katsuki backed away back to his room, locking the door once more and collapsing on his bed. His fingers unfurled the picture as he took in bright-green eyes and a strong smile. 

How he would give anything to be able to see the shitty nerd again. There were so many things- too many things, in fact- that he needed to tell Deku. Things that he should’ve said long ago, but he didn’t, because he was too fucking obsessed with his stupid pride.

(Stupid stupid stupid- )

All he could see were those bright-green eyes- his eyes, burned and seared into his mind. All he had left was the memory of his smile, committed to his memory.

Katsuki shut his eyes and darkness enclosed his vision.

He took in a deep calming breath, and it was almost as if it was his last. The scent of smoke hung thick in the air. It was almost suffocating. In the distance, vague tapping noises on wood went unheard and faded into nothing.

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He was choking.

Katsuki opened his eyes, and first he noticed the lack of oxygen. Then he registered gelatinous black slime pressed tightly over his nose and his red eyes widened outrageously.

This scene- He trashed against the villain’s smothering hold, explosions erupting from his palms and in sheer desperation, he struggled to break free. Crimson eyes darted around wildly as he shouted in pure frustration.

He focused on blasting the villain where the black slime was, setting his mind getting free. For some reason, his explosions were weaker than usual and- what, he was in his younger body? There was no mistake- he was wearing the black uniform from Oridera Junior High. Instinctively, his eyes scanned around, searching around for casualties and assessing the situation.

There was fire everywhere, and naturally he wondered if his younger self had been the cause. How reckless of him.

Screaming out against the slime covering his mouth, more blasts escaped his way from his hands as he struggled, but he did his best to aim those blasts at the slime monster with these hands which lacked training. Wide-eyed, his eyes strayed to where a crowd of people were- and he froze in his movements.

Bright-green eyes were staring back at him- filled with anxiety and overwhelming emotions and strength he didn’t expect to see.

Katsuki watched in unspeakable horror as he saw Izuku begin to sprint his way towards him, sprinting towards him in a frenzied hurry.

“Kacchan!” The long-unheard nickname hurt more than the lack of oxygen killing him.

This may all be a dream- but Katsuki did not want the damned nerd to die a second time.

Breaking free from the villain momentarily, he let out a yell.

“What the hell are you doing, Deku! Do you want to fucking die-” The word ‘again’ caught at his throat and he stopped himself. At this point, Katsuki felt torn between breaking out in crazed hysterics and sobbing, but neither option was actually a fucking option when Izuku was right there in front of him, living, breathing, moving- and very much alive.

God damn it.

Izuku grabbed his arm and with a final tug, Katsuki was pulled free from the slime villain. He stumbled out of the slime and looked up to see those bright-green eyes staring down back him, with that frustrating comforting smile on his face. His old self probably hated that expression on Izuku’s face, but he had been desperate to see it just once more.

Katsuki’s breath hitched, and Izuku’s hand- tiny and warm, gave his own hand a squeeze.

“You looked like you were asking for help, Kacchan!”  The green-haired nerd spoke, and Katsuki was overcome by nostalgia with those words, if only for the fact that he was not supposed to get free this early in the game.

At that moment, All Might finally blasted away the villain, and taking the chance, Izuku let go of his hand and slipped away.

Katsuki gave chase, with sardonic amusement biting away within him that for once, he- Bakugou Katsuki was doing the chasing. As Izuku turned a corner and threatened to disappear out of sight, he let out a shout.

“Deku, wait up!”

Izuku stopped and he slowly turned around, his expression flitting from surprise to fearful in a matter of seconds. Looking at the younger version of Midoriya Izuku, Katsuki was flooded with all of his regrets, all his feelings, and all his pain. He gripped his chest, and he could’ve sworn he heard the crinkle of paper.

“What’s up, Kacchan?”

Izuku looked at him with wide innocent eyes and a small smile. Katsuki gripped his palms and noted that breathing had become a difficult- almost like there was something in the air. He shut his eyes, took in a deep breath and tried to form words with the chaotic feelings within his mind. Stepping forward, he grabbed him and pulled Izuku into a hug more aggressively than he would have liked, though it did get his message across.

“Deku.” Katsuki began slowly, in slight disbelief that the green-eyed boy was very much real and in his arms. He shut his eyes, his arms shaking a little as he searched through his mind and sought for the right words, before he breathed out.

“Thank you. Now listen-” He felt Izuku stiffen in his arms from surprise, but Katsuki continued, his emotions running raw.

(Within him, a dam burst, and it was as if myriads of colors were building up inside of him, growing with a sort of tentativeness that suggested fear- )

“Promise me- promise me that you won’t ever fucking leave me, got it?” His voice was trembling at the last syllable from his attempt to sound aggressive, and he bit back a sob, as if the damn nerd was going to vanish any second. As if this was all just a sick, sick dream.  Izuku shifted away, his hand tentatively resting on Katsuki’s shoulder.

The silence made him afraid, (it always did), but then-

“I promise.” Izuku squeaked, a quivery tug on his lips. He glanced up at Katsuki, green eyes glimmering, and his heart soared.

It was the first time Katsuki remembered smiling in ages.

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There, they parted ways, but every day Katsuki awoke not to the murky ceiling of his own apartment, but to the bright room he had in his parent’s house. Every day, he went to school, and Izuku was always there. He talked to him- made sure he knew Midoriya Izuku as well as he knew him, because that was what the little nerd deserved. He occasionally remembered to throw in small insults just for a sense of normalcy, though he was sure that Izuku saw through his words and the image he built for himself. He hoarded Izuku’s attention, and he built himself up to be stronger, better so that Izuku would keep on smiling and keep on living.

So that his heart would remain intact. So he wouldn't have to suffer to pain of being alone once again.

(Some might say that Bakugou Katsuki was selfish. He didn’t argue, but not because he didn’t give a fucking shit about what others thought of him. That changed. The reason presented himself to him in the form of his childhood friend, one who was presumed dead not long ago.)

He continued living on the days with the small-sized boy with big dreams, and he continued attending U.A with his Deku, doing his best to patch up his relationship with him that had cracked over the years. With a smile hiding pain, he wondered if he was reliving his life differently, or simply stuck in a dream.

(Katsuki waited for the day reality claimed him. He wondered when he would wake up to find a universe without Midoriya Izuku, and spent every waking moment praying for things to stay the way they were.)

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“Ka-cchan?”

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“Kacchan!”

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“Katsuki!”

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Thankfully, the day never came.

Every day, Katsuki lost himself in bittersweet memories and bright-green eyes. Every day, he was reminded of his past mistakes, the drowning emptiness, and what it felt like to lose Deku permanently.

This time, he and Deku set off to create new memories at U.A High, and Katsuki swore to be a good friend deserving of his nickname.

Sometimes, he stared up into the night and wondered if Izuku would die all over again, and leave him to wait out his years alone. Fuck that, he was never going to let him go. Not again.

(He’s still waiting for the time he is sent back to his place in the world and in turn, the world is waiting for him to forget the notion of ever going back. )

After all, Bakugou Katsuki was not good with losing- or waiting. Slowly but surely, the world would win against him, with the simple, enticing promise of love and lost time.

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Footsteps echoed along the street, which was empty with the exception of a certain brown-haired girl and a red-haired boy.

They walked past a house where a mousy-featured lone woman was burning incense outside, and the smoke reminded them of someone they know.

“How was he? Sorry that I didn’t go in, that wasn’t very manly of me, was it?” Ejirou Kirishima asked with a weak chuckle, his stride matching that of Ochako Uraraka’s as they walked on in tension-filled silence.

Uraraka remained silent before her stride slowed to a stop. Brown eyes met red eyes with a sort of understanding.

“I think Kacchan is happy.” She stated simply, and the borrowed nickname now slotted itself into her vocabulary comfortably, especially after using it so many times.

“It’s funny,” Uraraka commented after a while, brown eyes staring up at the sky. She was reminded of how Midoriya Izuku leapt up to the skies to save her from the giant robot, and she thought of how she had been staring at the skies too when she saw Bakugou Katsuki only a while ago. She remembered clearly the look of fresh fear clearly burned onto his features, a look that didn't suit the one who wanted to be Number One.

“When I saw him before all this happened, he ran away from me... I’m not that scary, right?” She joked weakly. Kirishima laughed along with her, but no amount of friendly interactions could take away the dull pain that both felt inside.

They walked the rest of the way in considerably less awkward silence. Both of them acknowledged how significantly quieter it was without a nervous boy with strong willpower and a familiar abrasive, loud-mouthed, easy-to-anger and prideful boy who went by the name of Bakugou Katsuki.

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End.

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Absinthe [absinth]:

A bright-green, potent liquor made from wormwood with rumored hallocinogenic proporties that is banned in most Western countries.