Chapter Text
~ Chan's POV ~
I've been here for so long. So many trainees that arrived after me, have left before me. I see them pass through like I'm a fixture of this damn building. Or a ghost cursed to roam these halls while the living have the free will to move on. Why? Am I not good enough? What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing that they are? What do they have that I don't?
Every time I make a friend here, they leave and I'm alone again. Years of the same pattern. They always leave, one after another, to debut and live their dream. Do I not want it enough? How else can I prove that this is what I want?
I gave up everything. I feel like I gave up my childhood. I gave up my youth to work, in hopes that I could give my family everything they could ever want. My family... when was the last time I saw my family? I wonder what I've missed. I gave up my family and friends and home to be here. I'm so alone.
I know I can go back home whenever I want but I wanted them to be proud. If I went back now I would be ashamed to face them. I keep telling myself just a little longer. Just push yourself a little harder and all the sacrifices will be worth it. I never thought being around so many people could feel so lonely.
It's so windy up here. The kind of wind that cuts right through you and makes you want to hide from it inside yourself. And it's so dark even though it's the middle of the city. It's strange to see the city from this vantage point. All the lights are down below. If I'm not careful, I'll step right off the edge. Isn't that why I came up here, though?
That would be a crazy headline. "JYP Trainee Bang Chan Jumps from Top of Company Building" doesn't sound like something my mom would appreciate waking up to. Then I really would be a disappointment. Better go back inside.
My toes flirt with the edge of the ledge. I scrape my shoe across the concrete wondering how I would feel without it beneath my feet. I lean forward one last time with my hands grasping the railing behind me. Contemplating.
Sigh. Maybe another time. I shiver from the wind and turn back around, hoisting myself up and swinging one leg over to straddle the railing. The wind gusts again, making me almost lose my balance in this vulnerable and awkward position. I quickly clasp onto the railing for dear life. I sit there frozen for a second with tense muscles and wide eyes. After regaining my balance I laugh to myself about how silly I must look right now.
It's funny how instinctual it is to cling to life. It's even more funny knowing moments before I was contemplating taking it.
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