Archive of Our Own ^beta

Nathan sat in his chair, his bottles of pills messily scattered across the table beside him. He hadn't taken any yet, but he had decided that much. He had decided he wanted to kill himself.

He had thought about it for... honestly, years. It got better for some time after he got his prescription for Lexapro, but as time went on, it got worse. Eventually, he let his prescription expire. He didn't bother to renew it.

Finding Abaddon had also helped. He gave him a purpose to wake up, someone to talk to. But as much as he cared for the demon boy, it wasn't the same as having a real kid or having his real family near.

Abaddon seemed to care more for collecting trinkets to hoard or breaking things, including the washer. Nathan didn't mind really, those were things he could fix.

He couldn't seem to fix himself, though. No matter what he tried.

So, he just... Stopped trying.

He stared down at his shaking hands, a few pills warming in his palm. He was sweating but freezing at the same time, dread settling in his stomach like a rock. He sighed shakily, trying to calm himself down a little. Just as he raised his hand with the pills, he blinked, and a thought of Katherine flashed.

Nathan paused and lowered the pills. He hastily set them down on the table, despite still intending to take them. He just needed to make a quick call first.

His hands shook as he grabbed his phone, his vision blurring with tears as he clicked her contact. Part of him hoped she wouldn't pick up, then he could just... Go.

But Katherine was always great at picking up her phone. She had never missed one of his calls; this was no exception.

"Hello?" She greeted wearily. Although the greeting stung, Nathan understood her tone. He never called; she was rightfully on edge. He cleared his throat, trying to get past the sting in his nose and the lump in his throat.

"Hey, Kathy." He managed, attempting to sound normal. Katherine was far too smart for this, Nathan was well aware. She could read him like a book, she had always been able to. Although he hated it at times, she was always there for him growing up because of this power.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" She asked quickly, the phone picking up movement. Nathan ground his teeth, blinking quickly to keep his tears at bay. He looked up at the ceiling in hopes it would force the tears to stay put, but they fell regardless. He felt his forced smile crumble, his posture slump, and his entire body begin to quiver.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered simply, his voice shaky and full of emotion. There was no hiding it anymore; there was absolutely something wrong. Nathan closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair, sniffling as globby tears ran down his face and hit his chest. They were sticky against his neck and made him feel like he was overheating.

"Why?! Nathan, what's going on? Do you need me to call someone?" Katherine sounded incredibly alarmed, rightfully. She was moving around; he could hear shuffling and sounds of fabric against her phone, but he couldn't exactly tell what she was doing. Probably already preparing to leave the house despite his lack of answer. Nathan tried to think of a valuable answer, something that wouldn't waste her time or worry, but he couldn't think of anything. He just cried.

Uselessly.

His mewls and sniffles clearly picked up over the line, but he was too exhausted to care anymore. He wanted to cry, it was the only thing that felt normal to him anymore. He leaned his head back against the chair, feeling his chest constrict and heave.

"Nathan! Answer me! What do you need me to do?!" Katherine yelled over the line, her voice panicked. Nathan brought a hand up to cover his face as he thought, his fingertips brushing against the salty tears that were soaking his face.

What did he need her to do? Why did he even call her, just to worry her? He felt like such a fool. A selfish, whiny, useless fool. What did he want?

To be dead.

Besides that.

Nathan thought for a moment, the shuddering in his chest halting as he stopped breathing. Truthfully? As pathetic as it sounded to come from an adult man...

He just wanted a hug.

He wanted someone to be there with him this time, for this breakdown. He was always desperately alone in times like this, clawing at his own clothes or hugging himself to make it feel less solitary, but it couldn't compare to the touch of another human. Especially not his dear sister.

"Nathan..." Katherine said quietly, her voice soft and terrified. Nathan had gone too quiet for her liking. She knew he struggled with depression, but she had no idea as far as the suicidal ideation went. He had kept that entirely to himself. Nathan took in a wheezing breath before he dared to open his mouth, his fist balling into the chest of his sweater as he answered.

"C-Can you just... come over?" He asked quietly, his voice barely above a feeble whine. Katherine heard him loud and clear. She was grabbing her purse and keys within milliseconds and throwing herself out of her front door.

˙⋆✮

By the time Katherine got there, her hands were trembling as she burst into the hotel. When she saw Nathan wasn't at the front desk, she made a beeline to the room he had deemed as his own. Her shoes clacked against the old floors of the hotel as she panted, halting at Nathan's door and throwing it open. She hadn't bothered knocking, mostly because she was too frantic to remember you were supposed to.

As soon as the door was open, the gut-wrenching sounds of her older brother bawling seeped into her ears.

"Nathan, I'm here!" Katherine said and hurried over to him, dropping her purse on the ground and putting her hands on his shoulders to snap him out of it. She scanned over his body for injuries, checked the room for anything out of the ordinary...

Everything was eerily normal. Except Nathan, who seemed to be shattered.

"Nathan, I'm right here." Katherine stated and gave Nathan a sturdy, grounding shake. Her voice was very neutral, mostly trying to get her older brother to calm down so she could figure out what on earth was wrong with him. Nathan was so closed off and frantic, he had barely even acknowledged that she was in the room. She sighed, her brows furrowing as she gripped his face and forced him to look up at her.

His green eyes were panic-stricken and full of emotion, heavy tears falling out of them in a constant stream that must've been burning like hell. His hands were trembling as they flew up to grip onto her wrists, his chest heaving as he tried to breathe. His cheeks were flushed against his pale face, and his eye bags were considerably worse since she had last seen him. He was getting worse.

Katherine felt her heart both sink and crack at the sight, her eyes softening as she loosened her grip on the sides of his face.

"Oh, Nathan..." She sighed and lowered herself a little. He didn't say anything, just helplessly cried as she sat next to him in his seat. It was snug, but neither person took up too much space, their legs pressed together as she wrapped her arms around him.

Nathan immediately folded against her, hiding his face against her shoulder and closing his eyes, letting her familiar warmth comfort him. She wrapped her arms around her brother, feeling the soft texture of his blue sweater beneath her hands. He always wore something comfy, something easy to touch. Her kids loved it, they would always pet his sleeves or ask to borrow a shirt despite it being way too big on either of them. Esther never returned the clothing, keeping them forever for 'sleeping gear', Nathan never asked for them back either.

Katherine rested her chin on his shoulder, peering out tiredly into the room as she held him. He was trembling against her, his body cold despite the effort of sobbing. She began slowly running her hand up and down his back, her eyes drifting around the room to take notice of little things. She was just trying to keep herself occupied, but her eyes found the many bottles of pills, and she felt her heart drop.

Her hand stopped moving, and she pulled away slightly, grabbing a bottle.

Now, Nathan had been on medication, but never would he need so many bottles in one spot. And the suspicious pile of pills that was sprawled across the table was incriminating.

"What... Why did..." Katherine said breathlessly, her voice laced with confusion as she looked at Nathan.

The guilt in his eyes gave him away immediately, his cheeks flushing as he bit his lip.

"Oh, Kathy, Im so s'rry.. I just.. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be here." Nathan cried, hiding his face in his hands as his sister analyzed the pills. Both of the siblings were horrified for different reasons, but united in their dread. Katherine felt her own eyes sting as she dropped the bottle, wrapping her arms around Nathan again with a desperation that spoke volumes.

"I'm here, I'm right here." She shushed him, petting the back of his head as she closed her eyes.

This time, the words were sweet, reassuring.

They were what he needed to hear.

He whimpered and closed his eyes, beginning to even out his breathing as his sister comforted him. She pushed through the mortification that had bloomed in her chest. Nathan needed her. He needed someone. He needed help.

She wasn't going to let him suffer in silence anymore. She shushed him again softly, rocking him slightly as she came to terms with how close she had been to losing him.

"I'm so glad you called me. Thank you, you're gonna be okay. I'm here now." She said truthfully, petting his head more before she pulled away from him and rubbed his shoulders. He nodded and wiped his face, taking a deep breath as he began to slow his tears. She smiled at him warmly, patting his back. He looked exhausted, like he hadn't properly slept in weeks. Which could very well be the case.

˙⋆✮

Once Nathan was fully calmed down, Katherine gathered the pills up and told him to change into pajamas. He needed rest and water more than anything. As she carried the rattling pill bottles down the hall, Abaddon appeared in front of her from a doorway, causing her to jump and drop the bottles.

She had met Abaddon a few months ago; Nathan had called her to inform her he had taken a demon child in. She sighed and knelt down to recollect the medication.

"Abaddon." She greeted simply.

"Mortal woman. What is wrong with Nathan?" He asked and purposefully rolled a pill bottle away from her grasp. She clicked her tongue before snatching it swiftly, standing up to tower above the small heathen.

"He just needs some help. And rest. And.. more therapy. Walk and talk." She said and walked past Abaddon. After a few seconds of silence, she heard Abaddon's silly pilgrim shoes scittering against the floor behind her, mimicking her own steps.

"He's been off lately. He was always... emotive, but as of recent, he's been near silent." Abaddon informed Katherine as he walked behind her. He had some creepy toy in his hand, and he was picking at its thread in hopes of pretending to rip open a living creature. Katherine hummed, taking his words into genuine consideration as they neared the bathroom.

"Oh yeah? Has he been sleeping? Eating? Doing normal human things?" She asked Abaddon as she neatly set the pills in the medicine cabinet. It was quite the mess, so she took it upon herself to organize the shelves quickly as she listened to the menace beside her.

"Occasionally. He feeds me three times a day, but often skips out on eating when I consume my sustenance. I assumed it was because I'm not only more powerful but also more important, therefore, I needed more nutrition. Is this not the case?" Abaddon quipped and tossed the toy over his shoulder. Katherine rolled her eyes and closed the cabinets.

"You've been helpful, thank you, Abaddon. I'm gonna go back to Nathan now." She said and walked past Abaddon, instinctively flicking the light off as she left the room. She began making a mental checklist as she walked back down the hall, muttering to herself.

"Is there anything I can do to be of assistance?" Abaddon spoke up, breaking her silence. He was suddenly in front of her, halting her in her tracks. He was quite the startling creature.

"Um.. yeah, actually. Can you get a cup of water?" She asked him. Abaddon thought for a moment before nodding and scurrying off to complete his mission dutifully. Katherine couldn't help the amused smile that formed on her face before she turned back to the hall.

When she got back into Nathan's room, he was sitting on the edge of his bed in his pajamas. It was just his blue sweater without the button-up underneath and a pair of baggy pajama bottoms, but he looked comfier. She stood in front of him for a moment, her hands clasped together in front of her body.

"My Lexapro prescription expired." Nathan whispered and looked up at her, rubbing underneath his eyes to soothe the burning and the weight of his eye bags.

"Did it help?" Katherine asked and motioned for him to stand up. Without questioning her, he did, yawning as he stepped to the side and leaned against his bedside table.

"It sorta did.." He replied and closed his eyes wearily. Katherine began making his bed, smoothing out the sheets and fluffing his pillow. His eyes shot open upon the sound, and he stood up, putting his hand on her arm.

"Hey, you really don't need to do that-"

"I want to. Let me do this for you, Nathan." She stated firmly but lovingly as she snapped the blanket, layering it on his mattress with ease. Nathan smiled guiltily and let go of her, letting her focus on something other than his miserable expression.

"We can set you up an appointment to either renew the prescription or update it. There are multiple options. But right now all you need to focus on is getting rest, you look beat." She said calmly and gently pushed him onto his bed by his shoulder, now that it was made and ready for him to lie in. Just then, Abaddon came in with the glass of water. Nathan smiled immediately upon seeing the presence of his ward.

"Hey, bud." He greeted warmly. Abaddon handed the water to Nathan and looked up at Katherine, confirming he had completed his quest.

"Hello Nathan. Drink your water, you humans need it." Abaddon said simply and rested his hands on Nathan's knees, analyzing the man's every movement until he drank the water and set the empty glass down on the bedside table.

"Good. It was simple, do it more often." Abaddon said and patted Nathan's knees before he walked off, exiting the room before they heard suspicious thudding in the vents. Nathan chuckled warmly and lay down, resting his head on his pillow as he stared at the empty glass. Katherine brought his blanket up to his shoulders, gently petting the side of his head.

"Get some rest. We can handle everything else when you wake up." She said with a comforting smile. Nathan sighed, melting into his bed as his vision blacked around the edges. He mumbled something to Katherine, something mixed between an apology, a thank you, and an I love you. Although Katherine couldn't make the words out, she felt warmth spread across her chest. She grabbed the empty glass, turned his lights off, and left his room, letting him rest peacefully for the first time in weeks.