Chapter Text
Things had been tense lately as Kuwei settled in among the Crows. At least, it seemed that way to Wylan. Or perhaps he was just imagining it. Wylan certainly has been on edge with the new addition. There could be a million reasons for Wylan feeling that way, most of them beginning with himself. Maybe it was because he had only recently returned to looking like himself instead of an exact copy of the fifteen-year-old. Maybe it was because Kuwei seemed to be getting closer to Jesper. Maybe it’s because Wylan is Wylan and nothing can be right for him.
Wylan could just be overthinking everything as he usually does. Kuwei seems well-liked and accepted by the other Crows. It could be that he just lost his father or that he has a purpose, or even Inej’s temporary disappearance, but the others let Kuwei into their ranks quicker than Wylan was expecting.
It didn’t help that Wylan had Nina tailor him to look like Kuwei for Kaz’s plan. Everything seemed different when Wylan wasn’t fully himself. And somehow, he felt even more like a shadow in someone else’s skin. The real Kuwei was seen more, and Wylan felt like he was just blending in with the background, gradually losing saturation.
What hurt most, though, was seeing Jesper grow closer to Kuwei.
And it’s not like Jesper can’t have other friends! Don’t get Wylan wrong; he’s happy if Jesper does, even if Wylan has a harder time being social like his partner. It’s just… something about Kuwei has always seemed off to Wylan. Like he has something planned. Wylan swears he’s seen the kid give him smug looks sometimes. So, while Wylan’s okay with Jesper hanging out with the other Crows, he just wants to pull Jesper away from his temporary doppelganger. Perhaps it's jealousy, insecurities, or instinct, but whichever it is, Wylan is urged to listen to it. He doesn’t want to listen to the other options.
Like, what if, all along, Jesper was only attracted to Wylan because of the time when he wore Kuwei’s face? What if he had fooled Jesper into preferring Kuwei over himself? Wylan doesn’t know if he can stand losing the only person who truly sees him.
Wylan violently shakes the thoughts out of his mind as he walks down the hall of the ship he, Jesper, Kaz, Inej, Kuwei, Nina, and Matthias are all currently residing in. Jesper would be with Kuwei then, not Wylan. But he stayed with Wylan after he got his own face back (to his immense relief). That means everything. Wylan needs to stop pondering the what-ifs and obscene possibilities. They all have more important things to focus on than Wylan’s worries and insecurities about his boyfriend, which is still a very recent development that Wylan is happily getting used to.
Arriving at the end of the hall, Wylan stops outside the small room Jesper has been using. As he raises his hand to knock on the door, he pauses, hearing a pair of voices from inside.
“I don’t know how you want to be with him,” a very familiar voice says-- after all, Wylan shared it for so long-- obviously not caring who hears him amongst the thin walls of the ship.
“Huh?” Jesper responds. “What are you talking about?”
“Wylan, I mean, how can you stand to be with him?” Kuwei repeats.
Wylan freezes outside the door, his hand raised and stuck mid-motion, the blood in his veins turning icy cold. This is exactly what he was worrying about: Jesper doubting being with him. But Kuwei is so cruel, asking Jesper directly like this, obviously trying to drive a wedge between the two of them. What did Wylan do to deserve such treatment, like he’s only a nuisance? Wylan’s heartbeat thuds loudly in his ears as he waits for his boyfriend’s response.
“What the fuck?” Jesper hisses, caught off guard. “Why wouldn’t I want to be with him?”
Wylan can practically hear Kuwei’s casual shrug. “Because he’s a disappointment. He can’t read, his inventions are semi-good and workable at best, and he’s just an awkward charity case that Kaz took in to get back at his father. Wylan is honestly just leverage, a pawn amidst the grand scheme Kaz is planning.”
Wylan feels like he’s going to faint. Bile rises in the back of his throat, burning and making him want to gag. It’s one thing for his father to treat him harshly and put voice to all the things Wylan thinks about himself, but hearing it all come from someone telling one of the few people Wylan actually trusts is agonizing.
Please, Wylan mentally whispers to Jesper, even though that’s not how thoughts work, tell him he’s wrong.
But Jesper hesitates, and Wylan feels his heart beginning to shatter. “I know he has his issues, but… that… it doesn’t all define him,” Jesper finally answers, not sounding very sure of himself.
Wylan’s hand drops limply back down to his side. Is that all everyone thinks of him as? The illiterate freak? The useless one? The Crow with clipped wings?
Kuwei scoffs, and a well of hatred for the young teenagers surges in Wylan’s gut. What right does he have to speak of and treat Wylan so terribly? He’s the outsider here, not Wylan, who has worked with the Crows since the beginning. Kuwei is more of a pawn to Kaz than Wylan is!
But Kuwei’s next words drown out any feeling Wylan has; they drop his heart straight into the ocean and watch it sink to the bottom to be devoured by ugly, sightless fish and bacteria.
“I remember the kiss you gave me. And I remember that you enjoyed it.”
Wylan remembers walking in on that mishap, where Jesper mistook Kuwei for him when they both shared the same appearance, or rather, Wylan had copied Kuwei’s. So maybe… maybe Jesper meant to be with Kuwei, and he got stuck. He is notorious for getting into situations he can’t escape from. Maybe all Wylan is is a mistake.
Jesper sputters. “No! I thought you were Wylan! I didn’t mean to-”
“But you liked it anyway,” Kuwei states victoriously.
A heavy silence follows, and Wylan feels his heart get gobbled up by the carcass-hungry animals.
“I did,” Jesper whispers, his voice barely audible through the ship door.
Wylan takes a stumbling step backwards, the floorboards creaking loudly beneath his feet. Panic and hurt race through him, forcing quick breaths and sweaty palms.
And then there’s Jesper, he’s all Wylan can see. He opens the door to his room, and when he sees Wylan standing there, his face pales and resembles exactly what Wylan must look like. Wylan dimly notices Kuwei behind Jesper, sitting much too comfortably on Jesper’s bed, too relaxed to be anything but guilty.
“Wylan,” Jesper murmurs. “How long have you been out here?”
Wylan doesn’t know why Jesper asks when the answer is obvious on his face. He takes a step back, stumbling into the wall behind him. This hall is much too narrow, and Wylan can feel the walls closing in on him. He can’t stay here, he can’t, he can’t breathe.
As Jesper reaches out to Wylan, he bolts, running down the hallway with more speed than necessary aboard a sea vessel. Wylan doesn’t look behind him as Jesper calls his name. He doesn’t turn back when he rushes past a startled Nina and Matthias, nor does he notice the shadow that slinks along the wall at his passing. All Wylan can do is run. Up the stairs onto the deck and over to the far part of the ship, where Kaz occasionally goes to brood. Thankfully, no one is there right now, and Wylan allows himself to flop down onto a bundle of scratchy rope. He grips the rope, using it to ground himself as he desperately sucks in raspy breath after raspy breath.
It takes too long to get his breathing to calm down and for the panic to recede. By the time he does, his hands are raw from gripping the rope, and his eyes are puffy from tears he didn’t realize were falling. He’s pathetic, isn’t he? Breaking down over some words.
Words, the bane of his existence. From not being able to decipher the ones on a page to his father’s cruel bites, words have haunted Wylan for his entire life. He just can’t escape them.
Wylan takes a shaky breath, the inhale getting caught in his chest. He wants to cry more, but there are no more tears in the reserve. Overhead, the night is darker, the sun setting with an array of purples, fusias, and ambers. A chill breeze sweeps over the ship, and Wylan breathes it in.
Closing his eyes, Wylan embraces the darkening day. Beginning at one, he starts to count. One, two, three… numbers have always made more sense to him. Once he reaches ten, he switches to equations. Why have words when numbers are simpler? One plus one equals two. Two plus two equals four. Three plus four equals seven.
By the time Wylan reaches his ninth equation, he’s asleep. Doesn’t matter that he’s outside on the deck of the ship, where anyone could trip over him. Wylan has learned to sleep where he can, and he’s just too exhausted to move anywhere else.
Mercifully, Wylan’s mind is quiet and not plagued by the words of his not-so-distant past.