Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Yesterday I tried to..."

"To what?"

My body heavily sunk onto the soft mattress beneath it. The multiple blankets I covered myself with to shield my skin from the chilly autumn temperature weighed me down, as if attempting to drag me with them underground even faster

"To kill yourself?"

"What did you do?"

I could hear the heart beating in my ears and my stomach was tied in a knot. It felt as if something was stuck in my throat, maybe it was nervousness, maybe those were the pills.

"I took almost a whole package of pain-killers"

The time was late and I felt myself slowly drift to sleep and in those moments I prayed to whatever deity I didn't believe in that I would not wake up.

It didn't work, if it did I wouldn't be sitting on the first floor of the mental help centre after my weekly meeting with a psychologist, sweating and struggling to keep the tears from my eyes as I waited for the ambulance. The mental hospital was not far away, really, there was really no need for an ambulance, I could walk there myself. Except, I guess I couldn't, because I was a danger to myself, they couldn't let me go there alone. How stupid.

After all those years of being fine, of convincing everyone that I was fine, of being fine, there suddenly was an undeniable proof that I wasn't. The shock in the eyes of my therapist as she asked me to stay in her office as she went downstairs to talk to a psychiatrist and fetch appropriate paperwork stuck to the back of my eyelids.

I tried to do everything to distract myself, not to cry in front of everyone who came to this establishment. I remembered all the calming techniques I've ever heard of. Slow breathing hardly did anything to calm down my anxiety, so I tried looking for objects of different colours in the linoleum floored hall of the mental care building.

Red - The painting with the flowers that hung their heads low as if lining up for excecution.

Orange - The linoleum that adored the floors of every hospital, school and other beige-walled building.

Yellow - The colour of a coat that hung on the other side of the hall. It's colour as ugly as the weather it was meant to be worn in.

Green - The soft padded bench I was sitting on, that had those signs every few seats that reminded people to keep distance, as if the benches' main purpose isn't to house many people in close quarters, so they don't crowd the hall.

The woman by the counter called the emergency services. Her voice sounded too loud in the silence of this morbid place, as if announcing someone's death. Maybe it could have been, if the pills worked like they were supposed to. The announcement grated on my nerves. It felt like now everyone knew that I was not *fine*, like it was written on my forehead.

Breathe.

Green - right, the bench.

Blue - Where the blue? Or purple for that matter?

I winced every time the main entrance opened, waiting for the men in uniform to arrive and escort me out. By the time those men came in I noticed that the bell that stood on the table in front of the lady was blue.

Chapter Text

The cold gray sea outside my window, with dark black, blue and red cars floating on its surface has met another man-made obstacle of pale bricks and cement blocks. The building was still being built, but I had little hope that it would turn out anything close to the red cement mushrooms that surrounded it, ugly as it was. A shame that the marigold and green of the trees surrounded the fence around the facility instead of covering the gray of the building nearby it.

Those mussing were one of the only ways to amuse myself as I sat in my ward, unwilling to meet the other inhabitants of the mental hospital just yet.

The ward was quite empty. Its pale yellow walls only had a carved cross, that some previous patient carved into it and a few hooks for clothes as a decoration. There were two beds. One looked like a regular hospital bed, while another had boarders on each-side and a strap hanging down, waiting to do its job.

The mattress covers were ash blue and thin enough that one could see the flowers that were stamped on the mattress beneath it. I preferred to imagine that it was like a nice blue patch of flowers, instead of thinking how such ornaments were popular back in the soviet times, therefore some of the hospital inventory definitely was not updated from that time.

My exploration was halted as I heard a psych ward worker shout that it is dinner time. I hesitantly put on the dark rubber slippers and stalked out of my ward and into the canteen, whose door, for better or for the worse, was right in front of mine.

Other patients soon also started to crowd the room, like a herd of starved cattle. The nurse points where I should sit and I did, not having much of an option if I wished to receive sustenance. 

A man sat in front of me. He was tall and lean, his face slightly elongated like a rat's muzzle. From his ears hanged two turquoise earrings and his head was covered with a black bandana, which in combination with his partly unbuttoned shirt and an abundance of jewelry made him look like an odd mix between a hippie and a punk. His front two teeth were crooked, forming a neat V, as if his creator wished to spell out a word with his teeth, but after starting with the first letter he abandoned the quest to colour his teeth yellow and yellow they were, based on the smell that was coming off that man, it was caused by smoking.

"You are new here, aren't you?" The Half-hippy half-wizard asked, his question was rewarded with a nod from me. "Neat, it isn't often that the pit gains new people."

I nodded again, unsure of what to reply to such a statement, so I turned my attention to the food, which, surprisingly, wasn't half as bad as I expected.

The Rat seeing my lack of wish to converse clasped his hands in front of himself and started murmuring something under his nose. I wasn't sure if I couldn't discern what he was saying because it was too quiet or spoken in a whole another language, either way he looked like a shaman enchanting his dish with some godly blessing.

He wasn't bad exactly, but he was odd in a way I wasn't used to, so I tried to keep my limbs as close to myself as possible to not provoke the Hippy if possible. Soon two other people joined us at the table. A man and a woman.

The man had his head bandaged with white mesh in a way that almost completely covered his dark hair and the underside of the chin. He looked like a tall egg-headed giant, towering, but not threatening, like a lamp post. Harsh stubble covered the lower half of his face making him look more tired than a man who does nothing all day ought to be.

The woman looked quite different, her hair was long and golden, with only a bit of ash starting to cloud the shine of her sunny hair, face oval and neat. She was as beautiful as a woman her age could be to a boy who just barely stepped foot into adulthood, that is to say not really, but I could appreciate the fact that her hair shone in the canteen light. If it weren't for her facial expression and tone of voice, that were far too eager, one might say that in her youth she was blessed by Aphrodite herself.

As it was I was stuck eating dinner with a Hippy Wizard, a Lamp Post and an Eager Goldess. Not exactly the kind of company I wished to spend my meal with, but alas. The woman spoke first.

"You're new here, right? How long ago have you been admitted?" I almost sighed, I suppose I'll be getting this and similar questions a lot.

"Just today"

"That's nice. People here call me The Second Ray or just Second for short." The way she beamed at me when she said her name gave me no questions as to why people referred to her as a Ray, yet the way she introduced herself with a nickname instead of her real name was odd. I decided not to question it, to not earn any enemies on my very first day here.

"That's a nice name, but why Second? Are there any other Rays?"

"Why of course! The Ray of the Pit!" She said as if it made any sense, but I did not push it and started eating my salad with a spoon (because none of us were provided with forks or any other kinds of cutlery besides spoons).

"This food tasted amazing today!" The woman said excitedly as she eagerly dug into the colourful contents of her plate.

The others turned to their own plates as well, besides the Goldie, who thankfully decided to bother the Lamp Post instead of me. The Rat who sat beside me listened to music loudly through the headphones, so even I could hear the Punk rock music blasting in there.

I decided that the hippy had a good idea and put on my headphones as well, though mine were not good enough to block out the chatter of the Goldie and the shout of the nurses who were asking who didn't come to eat the dinner again.

I tried to retreat as far back into myself as possible to not need to think of the situation I found myself in and the nurses who stood in the canteen, guarding us like prison guards or even worse, vultures who stalked on their prey in hopes that we mess up and give them a reason to keep us in here longer.

The moment I finished my meal I got up, and left the damned room, hiding myself in the safety and sanity of my own four walls.

Chapter Text

Staying in four walls is hardly entertaining. No matter how many times I drill a circle into the sand coloured linoleum the room still stays just as small and empty as it was the first time I laid my eyes upon it. The only companion in this restless journey is the black-eyed camera that maliciously blinks at me with it's little red light from the upper corner of the room, as if reminding me of just how I've fallen.

I must stop doing that or I will go even madder in no time. Since it might take a while before I manage to acquire some of my items to amuse myself, I guess my only option is to get out of my ward and investigate what kinds of entertainment this place provides. 

On the third floor, where I and a bunch of other mentally unstable people were locked away from the public eye was one recreational room. It harbored two sofas, a table, a few chairs and a few shelves, that stood mostly empty besides a few board games including, but not limited to: A chess and checkers board with mismatched and missing pieces, worn down cards that are one too rough shuffle away from turning into a pile of paper dust, alias cards in similar condition and a bunch of books that were printed in the soviet union at best and are probably older than most inhabitants of the ward.

The center piece of the whole room was a surprisingly working TV, that gladly showed people news, soapy dramas, cheap thrillers and sports events, all accompanied with the same monotone voice that voiced both male and female characters, for the sake of saving on the cost of dubbing.. The TV was hung high enough that if some patient went nuts they would need to really consider whether it was worth it to reach upwards to destroy the poor piece of electronics.

Before entering the recreational room I took a peak through the glass on the door. At the moment there were five recreationalists enjoying what this room had

to offer. In time I will find that three of those are ones of the regular recreationalists, whom I will be meeting again and again in this room.

The Rat sat on the ground, ignoring both the conveniently offered chairs and sofas. Blasting music through his headphones like nothing else exists. On the sofa sat a man, who murmured something under his nose quietly, holding a bunch of playing cards in his hand. Across him sat the Mesh-headed Lamp Post, trying to explain something to the Mumbler. The other half of the table was occupied by a woman, who was drawing something on the pages of an old magazine, simultaneously talking to the drawings she already did as if they were alive. The last inhabitant was the Ward worker, who was watching over the drawing woman, looking as if he was as done with this place as it was physically possible.

As I come closer to the table I hear what the Lamp post is trying to explain to the Mumbler.

"Look I go on you with a 8 of hearts, so now I must place a higher valued card of hearts or a trump card of any value, the clubs are the trumps this game, got it?" The Mesh-head's explanation was answered with unintelligible mumbling and the shorter man attempting to beat the 8 of hearts with 6 of spades.

"He's hopeless" The mesh head says and after a moment I realise that he spoke to me. I don't say anything as I didn't wish to be rude towards the Mumbler, he was obviously trying his best.

"Look, you need to either place a card with a heart and a bigger number or a card with a clover leaf." attempted to explain the rules of Durak to the man. He responded with a mumble that sounded suspiciously not like the language we were speaking to him in.

"Ты говоришь по русски?"

"Да" Came out a quiet response. Well there is no wonder why that guy didn't understand the rules if he doesn't even know the language. I try again to explain rules to him, but this time in russian.

"Смотри, этот мужчина тебя атакует с шестёркои червей, ты должен сходить либо большей картой червей либо козырной картой, понятно?" I try to explain to him, but it lands on a deaf ear. The Mesh-head is obviously annoyed with the other man, as he leaves the room and doesn't come back for a while.

I patiently try to explain to him the rules a few more times, but it doesn't seem like it works quite well. In the end the man mumbles something about how they used to play cards differently back in his days and leaves just a few minutes before the Mesh-head returns.

"I guess that guy finally gave up huh?" I didn't acknowledge what he said, and just shuffled the cards.

"Wanna play?"

"Sure" The man answers.

I reshuffle cards one more time and then slide them over the table to the Mesh-head. He taps the top card, I nod and give each 6 cards by dealing two at a time. 

"So why are you here?" I ask the man.

"We were playing Durak with my pals in a house on the wheels somewhere in nature. I went out to take a piss, tripped, fell down, got injured and blood flowed to my brain. Came rather close to dying, really." I nod in acknowledgement and slide the 6 of hearts he attacked me with back to him with my own 6 of spades. "Seriously? Fine, so why are you here?"

The package from the painkillers produces a satisfying pop as I take the pills out of their packaging one by one. 14...15...16... Those are all. I pop all of them into my mouth and drink some water. I swallow the pills a few at the time, but in the end all of them are gone somewhere in my digestion system

"Nothing much. I've got depression and later it's been worse, so my psychologist suggested I go to the mental hospital to get some better help" It wasn't a lie, really, I just avoided a rather important fact about what I did when I got worse, but it still left a sour taste on my tongue. I really hate lying. I put an 8 of diamonds on the table.

"Got it"

The Mesh-head fights back against my attack and proceeds to lay on the table his own. We continue back and forth a few times. In the end The Mesh-head had three wins and I had one, which was hardly surprising. 

"Wanna play chess with me?" Suddenly I got addressed by the Rat.

"Sure" I say as the man already takes the chess board from one of the shelves. The pieces are mismatched, some of them were from a set of magnetic chess, since they stuck to the falls of the metal container they were harboured in.

We put the pieces in places. I try to get as many pieces from the same set as I can, which cannot be said about the rat, since he didn't seem to care all that much. I take two pawns, black and white, and shuffle them behind my back, then bring the pawns, hidden in my fists in front so the Rat can pick which colour he gets to play.

White.

Of course I got unlucky and got to play black against the opponent whose level of chess skills I had no knowledge of.

"I wanted to ask, are you a boy or a girl?" The Rat asks me as he moves the e2 pawn forward two squares, I guess he decided to go for a classic opening, I respond by moving my pawn to meet his.

"I am a boy" I answer. The Rat moves his knight.

"Oh, you're a boy, for a second here I thought you were a girl, you see I am a bit of each, I am both a girl and a boy."

I nodded, just kept that fact about them in mind. "Well, I'm just a boy"

"Cool cool, what'ya wanna bet on?"

"Pardon me?"

"Y'know, like, maybe the loser gets to do 10 push ups or something"

"I am not in a very good physical state right now, I don't think I can do 10 push ups." I answer. So far we've been playing a rather classical game. I developed my knight and bishop, castled, while they developed both their knight and took over the center.

"Squats then?"

"Alright, I can do that"

"Great then I do 10 push-ups and you do 10 squats" The Rat says enthusiastically, developing his second bishop.

"Okay" I answer and start building my attack, threatening the pawn in front of white's king. It was difficult to think while I breathed in the strong scent of cigarettes that came off of almost everyone in this room. "What is the Pit?"

"You don't know about the Pit?" The Rat asked excitedly.

"I've heard you and Second mention it."

"Oh yeah, Second, a nice Lady, though I don't think she's right in the head" Like all of the people here, I almost said but bit my lip down.

"So... The pit?"

"Right, right. We call this place the pit. It swallows up everything like a black hole for sure. Like a little vortex of sadness all the sad people get sucked in here." They answered, I was three points down and my king's protective wall of pawns was ruined.

"So it's called the pit because it attracts people with mental illnesses?"

"No" The black king fell.

"Why then?"

"Do your squats first, then we'll talk". I shrugged. Fine. I could do 10 squats, I may have been a human equivalent of a stickbug, but I could do squats.

Only once I stood up from the table did I notice that the Mesh-head, the Ward worker and the Drawing woman all have left, leaving us alone in the recreational room. I do my squats before turning back to the Rat, my breathing slightly laboured.

"So, the pit?"

"Oh yeah, the pit, so listen to this-"

"Why aren't you two in your rooms yet, we'll be giving you your pills soon" Says a Nurse that peaked in through the glass in the door.

"Aye, don't worry, we'll go there soon. Sorry lil bro, but I'll tell you a bit later. See ya!"

I say nothing as the Rat leaves the room under the grumpy gaze of the Nurse. I follow suit and go back to the place I currently reside in.

Chapter Text

Day 2

The day started with me being woken up by one of the Workers coming into my room and opening up the window with a special key.

About ten minutes later I got woken up a second time to go and eat breakfast. Not entirely willingly I drag myself out of the haven of the warm covers and sweet dreams into the unwelcoming cold of psychiatric hospital.

I changed, and finally got out of the room and into the dining area. Most of the other patients have already come to the canteen. Unsurprisingly, really, considering the time and effort it took me to get up at an unusual time for me. I took a seat at the closest available seat and started eating before anyone could ask me anything.

The Drawing girl was led into the room some time after and immediately she decided to ruin the peace and quiet I tried holding onto.

"I don't want to eat porridge!" 

"It's okay, would you like to eat yogurt?" The psych ward worker tried to calm her down.

"I don't want to eat porridge!" 

I restrain my urges to react to her shouts in any way. I came here to eat, not to waste my precious mental energy on any of this, so I tried to tune her out.

"This food tastes amazing today!" Came the second distraction from my meal in the form of Second. It wasn't that the food was bad here, it was just good old warm food, nothing special, there was no need to announce that it tastes amazing every single time.

Despite everything I didn't react, though on the inside I cursed myself for leaving my headphones in my room. The woman that sat facing me on the table stood up, she ate only a few spoons of her porridge before deciding that she had enough. Second immediately tried to stop her from leaving.

"Come on, Ash, sit down, eat some more, you barely ate anything!"

Ash, whose name (or nickname?) I just found out, shook her head and went to leave.

"If you don't eat I won't let you smoke" Said the ward worker that stood by the door. Which reluctantly got Ash to sit down and attempt to force a few more spoons into herself.

I was one of the first people to leave the canteen. On my way out I got stopped by a woman. I looked at her. She obviously wasn't a patient. Her dirty blond hair was tied in a messy bun. She smiled at me. "Hello, I am your new psychologist. Could you go with me please?"

I nodded and followed her to the elevator. We stepped in and moved down one floor. Personally I would have preferred it if we took the stairs, but I suppose it is easier to control the patients if they have no room to run away.

We stepped out of the elevator and were forced to stand by it for some time until the doors are closed, just to make sure that no one tries to escape. Then I was finally led to her office. It looked like a psychologist's offices typically look.

There was a table, two chairs, a cabinet filled with things I didn't care enough to even look through. The big window opened the sight to the opposite part of the yard, that I couldn't see from my own window.

I sat down in the chair meant for patients as the Bun took her own place in front of me.

"So how are you feeling?"

"Fine, I guess"

"That's good, so for starters you will need to do a few tests and then I will want to talk to you, would that be alright?"

I nodded and then Bun took out a few sheets of paper with the tests on. The first one was quite expected, I have done this one multiple times already.

Read the multiple provided option and pick the one that fits you the most

1. I am sad

0 Never

1 sometimes

2 Most of the time

3 All the time

It was a depression test. I did it rather quickly, mostly because I have already memorised some of the questions, not on purpose, but when you do the same test three times you do start to remember certain questions.

Bun gave me a few other tests to complete, from what I gathered they were meant to show if I have any other mental illnesses. The last one was a bit different. It was a psychosocial evaluation, basically a test that will show how much of a danger I am to myself and others.

Later, on the day before my last day in this facility I will find out that my score when I took this test today showed that the danger of me attempting suicide stood before small and medium, which was way too high for anyone's liking.

I gave the last paper to the psychologist and she put it safely away.

"So, would it be fine if we talked right now?" I nodded "Alright, can you tell me why you got here?"

"I tried to kill myself, then the next day I went to my psychologist and told her about it. She suggested I go to a mental hospital and J agreed."

"Alright, can you tell me what you did?"

"I took almost the whole package of pain killers."

"How much?"

"16 pills"

The Bun wrote something down before turning her attention back to me.

"Can you tell me why you did it?"

"I don't know, it didn't feel like I had much of a choice. You see, I am working on my parent's project, or was at least. I have hardly done anything in the past month and a half. I've been having very little energy, so little that I had trouble getting out of my bed to do as little as getting myself some food or showering, not to mention working on that project. I've been feeling very guilty about it, my parents count on me and push me to work on that damned project. I feel so useless, I physically can't work on the project, but I can't not work on it either."

"Doesn't seem like you get much support from your parents"

"They are good parents, at least they really try to be, they are just a bit lacking in the empathy and emotion departments."

"I see"

"They try really really hard for me, but I can't help but feel like I am a burden. I can hardly do anything useful, the only thing I do is worry them"

"It sounds like you are feeling guilty about your mental illness"

"I am" I answer quietly. "I should be helping them, doing something usefull, not laying on the bed like a sack of potatoes."

"Could you say that you were trying to kill yourself to rid them of said burden?"

"Perhaps..."

"This conversation was quite successful in my opinion, as it is we ran out of time, but we will continue this discussion next time we are here, okay?"

"Okay."

She led me back to the third floor and went back down. While I returned to my room and plopped down on the bed.