Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It's all blurry.

I remember my hand—reaching out to grab something.

No... Maybe hold.

It was as if I tried to get something, yet I couldn't.

I don't remember what it was.

But I remember a warm hand—something that felt familiar.

But now that it's gone, it's disappearance stings.

It's now something that felt lost.

I recall raindrops scattering across my face, wet rain pouring all over me.

And the desperate plea to come back.

And I remember I had a glimpse of his body.

The force of guards grabbing me.

And guards dragged me away from him.

From ivan.

I couldn't figure out his motivations for bullying me.

He always used to annoy me as a kid.

And we used to fight a lot.

Now after what he done now, this feeling of confusion only continues more as I try to figure out about it.

...What the hell did you plan.

... You're always so damn confusing..

Memories from a few hours ago hits me.

 The stage lights, the music..

And Mizi sobbing Infront of me.

I felt her rough hands that used to be soft, slowly yet gently caress my face as I lost consciousness.

The blur of sounds rushed through my ears, before turning into cold silence.

I heard unfamiliar voices..

Crashing..

...What happened?...

My body felt tired from exhaustion, and I felt unable to move—my throat felt sore and dry, It would be possible if it was tired from singing, but my throat felt heavier this time.

Like something or someone was choking it.

I begin to slowly open my eyes, unfamiliar voices cutting through my unconscious sleep.

"Wouldn't..-Be dead right now?"

"-...Not sure."

In the corner of the room, I hear a familiar voice.

A voice that shook me awake.

His voice.

"Where are you looking at?"

I see Ivan smiling at me.

Soft yet cruel. His dark dead eyes staring into mine.

The room now felt colder, heavier, as if it had a weight of its own.

Even though he was dead, his smile lingered anyway.

A rush anxiety of began to go down me—my body cold with sweat.

I didn't want to see that face.

One I didn't want to see.

Ivan stared at me closely, his haunting face still looking towards me.

The strangers who had seemed to save me were staring at my body, talking to eachother.

I couldn't understand nor realize what they were talking about either.

The mixed voices sounded all like a blur in my ears.

"...-That bad?"

"-Look at-eyes, it's not ju-...-the nerve damage.."

Although, the only thing I could focus was the ghost standing right there.

Ivan's smile turned into a mocking smirk, a chuckle coming out of his mouth.

"...A person who is always nothing but a burden."

He spoke, his voice ominous than before.

He stared at me as if I was just nothing—taunting me with that face of his.

My eyes still locked towards Ivan's, even though the strangers questions kept pressing onto me.

"...-You talk?"

"-Answer!"

"..-Ears should-... -Fine.."

Right now, I'm looking at the same guy who bullied me for no exact reason—a person I couldn't make eye contact with for days.

What did you even want from me?

To annoy me?

To be friends?

To fight?

"Just in case about Mizi-"

He suddenly spoke, with Ivan getting closer to me and touching me by the face with his now-cold fingers.

"Its better to not talk about her anymore."

The problem was, I couldn't speak because of the situation.

His mouth choked me once again, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"It's easy to misunderstand."

My mouth gasped for air as i clutch my neck—my coughs feeling like a rip to the throat.

"Aghk-!"

The stranger notices my coughs and tries to comfort me, patting my back softly.

"-Its going to hurt a lot...Don't use your throat."

I can't.

That's because every time I try to open my mouth—

He shuts it down.

He forces me to remember.

To remember what happened.

.

His voice spoke to me, that eerily smile across his face.

"Keep going?"

The furry of emotions swished and ran through me—anger, fear, sadness, and grief crushing me in turn.

He's like a parasite.

Something that always clings to you.

That will never leave, even if you try your best to shake it away.

Something that always drains you.

Leeches onto your attention.

Something that...

...

...Someone that always clings to you.

"...No." I replied back.

Chapter Text

After a while, my coughing stopped and the wound in my throat healed clumsily.

I sat on the bed, with the dead ghost resting his head against my shoulder—his weight feeling like nothing.

With a lot of thinking and thought, I was able to speak to him now.

"Get off me now."

I demanded.

"Are those your first words?"

Ivan spoke, his eyes staring as they turned towards me.

"What do you want me to say? A swear word?"

I retorted, rolling my eyes pretending to ignore him.

"..."

His silence made the room go quiet.

"Be honest."

His hand slowly began to rise up.

"You really have something to tell me."

Ivan's fingers began to eerily explore my collarbone up until the neck.

Don't, don't. Please don't.

My heart starts racing.

"You called me Till."

He pressed his fingernails against my throat.

"No I-I didn't!"

I stammered, my hands fumbled to stop Ivan from clawing towards my neck.

"RIP!"

"SCREECH!"

"ARGH-!"

My neck hissed with pain.

"IT HURTS!-"

Small tears flow down through my eyes, with desperate plea for him to stop.

His fingers aggressively bite through my throat, as if it was a reminder of what happened before.

"I didn't -I DIDN'T!-"

It kept scratching, seething with pain, his fingers locking onto my neck harshly.

All I could do was to choke on the weight of him, to desperately try to save myself.

And it was about to be tattered until—

A creak.

I hear the door hinges opening, with Ivan's presence disappearing, and my hands on my neck.

It was as if the sound of it opening cut the tension, and Ivan's grip on my neck had vanished— and his presence on my throat faded away.

...

... Mizi..?

I was just as surprised as she was.

My fingers were locked around my neck, with the pain that stung.

I froze. My hand trembled with fear, with my heart quickening.

"... Till..?"

Her voice was full of concern, a hint of confusion but still in shock.

She was holding a tray of food, both her hands still holding it as she stood there—processing what she was just saw right now.

She stared at me with an intense long stare, wondering just what the hell I'm doing right now.

Her long, pink-blue gradient hair was now a short pixie cut, which I noticed when she tried to help me.

"What..."

Her voice was low and confused, until she realized what I had done to myself.

"-Are you doing..?!"

Her eyes widened, immediately putting down the tray fixed over me and ran over to check how much damage had already been done.

My grip on my neck slightly loosened, as Mizi came close to check.

I felt my heart rush a little, but I decided to keep it away for now.

"W-WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?!... Jeez.."

The damage on my neck stung with pain—making me unable to answer.

I look away from her in guilt.

Her fingers explored every inch of my neck, the scars leaving a sting of pain with each touch.

It reminded me how she was caressing my face when I was on the stage.

"Did they tell you what happened already..?"

Trying to recall the event, it was a blur in my memory.

It's as if the thought of Ivan completely occupied my thoughts.

Trying my best to speak, a small yet weak sound came out of me.

"No..."

She understood what I meant, and looked towards me.

"Well, if you don't mind, I'll explain for you alright?"

Mizi's voice felt calming yet familiar in a way, giving me a sense of comfort.

"Right now, your inside the rebellion base."

"Remember when I disappeared after round 5 ended?

I nod slightly to her question.

"A woman named Hyuna.. Saved me."

"She also saved you, creating a plan to message any other planets near us for help."

Her voice sounded melancholic, as her eyes looked away from mine.

Mizi fiddled around with her fingers, her smile turning into a unsure expression.

"But that turned out..."

"Horrible."

...Huh?

It turned out.. Horrible?

I try my best to recover some memories from my mix of messy thoughts.

But I couldn't.

It just felt like a blur, a crowded place, full of confusion.

"