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Cold air had always been better than warm air. Petey had always thought that. He had always preferred winter to summer, snow to sand, gloves to sunscreen, Christmas lights to the sun.
By the time Halloween had rolled around, chilly days and freezing nights were common again. He cringed every time he remembered that stupid bunny costume, but it was better than what had come after that. In fact, he'd wear that costume everywhere for the rest of his life if it could change what had happened between him, Gary, and Jimmy.
It was all too dramatic. Betrayal, tears, loneliness from the abandonment, loss of self.. that part was all Jimmy, but it still connected to Pete. He was still him through all of it, with all the parts people referred to as dorky and the acceptance that it'd be that way forever, but he had lost that spark of happiness when he could call his mom and say he had friends. They weren't the best friends one could ask for, far from that, actually, but the cheery voice on the other side of the phone was worth it. As long as he left out the parts about the endless bullying from them, he could sleep easy knowing his mom was happy.
Now his nights were spent staring at the ceiling, moving his eyes in circles to distract himself from the heat surrounding his body.
God, he hated summer. As it slowly crept in, he was seriously considering running away to some country where it was always cold.
Summer was Jimmy's thing. You didn't even need to know him well to know that much. He was so obviously aching for summer break, each day passing by making him more restless. He was always out on his skateboard, trying to get Pete or whichever girl was avaliable to go down to the beach and swim for a while.
"No? Again? Petey, if you want a girlfriend, you gotta go out and be a bit confident." Jimmy said, holding Zoe's hand as she tapped her foot impatiently. She was seconds away from bailing and going to swim by herself.
Pete shivered at "Petey". He wasn't really called that anymore, not since Gary had been expelled and gone who knows where. The only thing he hated more than that name right now was the word confident. His dad had always said that he needed to be a bit more confident. Unlike Gary and other bullies, his father had meant it in a different way. Pete was almost sure it was because his dad had been a shy kid, and didn't want his son the same way. It was probably too late now.
"Sorry." Was all he could say, returning to staring at the TV screen, pretending to care about whatever it was playing.
Jimmy groaned and whispered something to Zoe before they walked away.
He took a deep breath. He didn't have classes today, he could do whatever he wanted. He didn't have to go study, but he also didn't have to do something just because Jimmy wanted him to. If he wanted to stay in the dorms all day and watch TV, he could. Nothing could or would stop him.
He reached for the remote and switched through a few channels before noticing one that was showing a swimming team. Ugh. He turned it off and lazily threw the remote back onto the cushion next to him, getting up and trying not to listen to the voice in his head that was reminding him that everything can and will go wrong for him.
Would it be better to go to the beach? Face his hatred of summer evenings, and actually let himself have fun for once?
He shook his head and laughed at himself, before making sure nobody had seen that. He probably looked crazy.
He couldn't barely remember the last time he had actually thought he was having fun. Halloween night, maybe. Before he got bullied and followed Gary and Jimmy around like a dog while they pranked people.
He hadn't been pleased with Gary's choice of costume, but he remembered being relieved that the one picked out for him wasn't nearly as crazy. A memory of Gary patting his shoulder and petting his head before he left to deliver Jimmy his outfit flashed across his mind.
It was a joke. He was teasing me, just like he'd do with anybody my size. It's over now. He's gone.
Pete was having to remind himself of that recently. It had only been two, maybe three months since Gary and Jimmy's big fight, but some days Pete still found himself expecting to wake up to Gary knocking on his door, coming in whether or not he got a response, rummaging through all of Pete's belongings to see if he could take anything that he could find a use for.
How could Pete have seriously let that guy be around him all the time? Completely disrespecting him and all. He'd never know, but he settled on the idea that it was probably connected to his dad being a total pushover, just like he was. Father figures shaped who you are, right?
What did that say about Gary's dad, then?
He, once again, shook his head. No more worrying about Gary Smith, he decided. He'd try to accept summer like he had accepted that things were different now.
He stepped outside of the boys dorm, his body immediately missing the air conditioning as it was exposed to the uncomfortable heat. He barely made it down the steps before he was interrupted.
"Paul, I need your help." A girly voice called, looking down on the boy. Lola.
"My name's Pete." He said with an exhausted tone. One second outside and he was already dreading everything.
"Oh." Was all Lola said, not bothering to apologize. "Johnny's.." She bit her lip, glancing around as if she was about to share the biggest secret ever. "..back at the asylum."
It wasn't a shocker. Pete had listened to Jimmy's summary of everything that he missed out on. Johnny tried to act tough, but one mention of Lola from another guy always seemed to send him spiraling.
Despite this, he feigned worry. "I'm sorry, Lola."
She frowned, crossing her arms. "I knew I should've just waited for Jimmy to come back." She said, turning on her heel and starting to walk away.
Ouch. "Hey, what does that mean?" He asked, trying to hide the hurt in his tone.
"I'm sorry." She mocked. "Man up, Paul."
"Pete." He corrected quietly.
"Oh. Sorry." She said sarcastically. "Man up, Pete. My man is probably being tortured right now, and I come to you. You have to help me. Oh, it'd mean so much to me.." She trailed off, seemingly thinking of reuniting with Johnny for the hundrenth time.
And so, Pete found himself breaking in to the asylum, trying to recall everything he had heard from Jimmy. He fell off the tree he climbed on to break in, but at least he was inside the fence now. How he wished he could have been as cool as Jimmy, probably doing this effortlessly.
He followed every step in his mind. After what felt like an hour of crawling around the building, he found Johnny's cell.
"Oh, Jimmy-" He stopped. "Kowalski? You trapped in here too?" He asked, unable to comprehend the idea that this short and nervous guy would be his savior this time.
"No, I'm-" He felt a lump form in his throat. He wasn't going to cry, but he felt a wave of worry. Johnny immediately assumed Pete was just another patient. He wasn't the ideal hero, he figured, but he wished he was. "..going to get you out." He finished his sentence after a long pause, trying not to frown at Johnny's puzzled look.
"Sure you are." Was all he said.
After a good half hour of sneaking around again, timing his every move and planning every next step, trying not to break into a mental breakdown at the mere thought of getting caught, he finally found a way to get Johnny out. Sneaking into the control room was easier than anticipated, and Johnny was out of the cell in no time.
Pete nervously danced around patients running around after every door opened, finding Johnny and sticking close to him.
"You really did it." He said, shocked. After a nod of apology for underestimating him, he started making his way toward an exit he had escaped through many times now.
Through many people who looked like they had the life sucked out of them, Pete felt his breath hitch as he saw somebody step out of their cell, but instead of another adult he had never seen..
"Gary?" He stumbled over himself, nearly tripping Johnny over.
The boy turned his head at the call of his name while observing the chaos forming in front of him. He got a mere glimpse at Pete before Johnny grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away.
"You almost got our asses caught, kid. I would knock your teeth in if you didn't get me out in the first place." Johnny threatened as they made their way out, eventually getting outside the fence, where Lola stood, checking her nails and trying not to cry. Her expression completely switched up at the sight of Johnny, practically jumping into his arms and kissing him.
Pete stood off to the side awkwardly.
Lola pressed a kiss to his cheek like he was a kid. "Oh, Paul, you don't know what you've done for me."
Johnny nodded in agreement, pressing kisses to Lola's neck and clearly zoning out from the conversation. Pete wanted to gag, completely forgetting to correct Lola on his name.
"Well, we've gotta go.. catch up. You should come ride bikes with us some time." She waved and got in her car that she only ever used to pick Johnny up with, driving away without bothering to ask Pete for a ride home.
Pete looked down at the floor, sighing. So much for trying to enjoy today.
"Paul." A voice behind him said, trying not to laugh.
He whipped around, face flushing red. There, on the other side of the fence, stood Gary. His hair was a bit overgrown, but besides that he looked nearly the exact same. He even seemed normal compared to the people running around behind him.
"Gary." Pete said quietly, crossing his arms and looking away. Eye contact was too much for him right now.
"Aww, come on, Petey. Look at me. Come here." He said, using some fake tone Pete vaguely remembered hearing before. He tried not to close his eyes tightly at being called Petey once again.
"Why.." Pete started.
His mind screamed at him. Why'd you do it? He knew the answer, heard it all from Jimmy, but he wanted to hear it from the man himself. From Gary.
"Why what?" Gary said, fingers slipping through the gaps in the fence. "I said come here."
Pete took a step closer, feeling overwhelmed.
"Oh, but maybe that's not a good idea. You're not worried I'll bite? Spit on you?" He said through a smile, clearly wishing he wasn't restricted by the fence.
Like always, he didn't give Pete much time to respond. "How'd you get Johnny out?" He asked, almost too politely.
Pete didn't say anything. An old part of him begged him to let Gary know, help him out so he wouldn't get beat up. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that he was safe outside of the fence. He didn't have to do anything.
"How the fuck did you get Johnny out?" He asked again, shaking the fence slightly, fake smile fading.
"PETEY. How. Tell me how! How the hell did you get Johnny out, you-"
Pete flinched, but he was relieved to see an orderly finally noticing that Gary was out too. He was grabbed, and a few other orderlies helped on getting him inside. He screamed for a moment, but gave up when he realized he would not be getting out like Johnny.
The walk down towards the city was more refreshing than Pete had thought. It was a break from the past hour and a half of helping those greasers. He hoped to never have to do it again.
After some debate in his own mind, he strolled down to the beach. He found Jimmy, Zoe, and Beatrice all making their own sand castles. He assumed they found Beatrice on the way and invited her, since even she was better at hanging than he was.
He walked down to them, giggling at Jimmy's shock.
"I thought you planned on staying inside for the rest of your life." Zoe commented, adding the finishing touches to her sand castle.
Pete shrugged, about to tell them about getting Johnny out and seeing Gary, but figuring that Jimmy didn't need that rush of anger for the day.
He sat with Beatrice while Zoe and Jimmy did multiple races across the beach, most of them ending in one or the other slipping when the water came too close to the shore.
"You okay?" The blonde asked quietly, resting her head on her knees as she brought them up to her chest.
Pete tilted his head. "What?" He had heard her question, he had just been surprised that she cared. He thought the nerds still considered him lower than them.
She offered a gentle smile. "I listen too, you know."
Right. Rumors and "secrets" spread around Bullworth all the time. Whatever you thought was just for yourself, everybody already knew.
"Is this about Gary?" He asked, sighing.
She pretended not to know what he was talking about for a moment, before giggling and shrugging. "Not my fault. Everybody says Gary is some.." She closed her eyes for a second, trying to remember. "..homo-repressed daddy's boy."
Pete blushed, not expecting her to say that so clearly. "Do you think that?"
"I dunno. Maybe he is, or maybe he's just angry to be angry. Maybe neither."
Even though most of his memories with Gary were negative, the few positive ones made Pete want to defend him. He was at Happy Volts, clearly it was more than him just being an edgy and/or gay teenager.
"He's sick, Beatrice. I wish people could see that. He's sick in the head, and if I had noticed sooner, maybe all that shit would've never happened."
"Him falling off a roof after trying to take over the school, you mean?" She asked.
He chuckled, but shook it away. "Yes- that, but.." He stopped himself. She asked that because that was most of what people had seen. Not the downfall of their inbalanced friendship that left Pete a self-loathing mess.
"I mean, more personal stuff. He was my friend, if you can believe it. I can't help but wish things had stayed that way."
"I get it." Beatrice said, nodding.
They sat in silence for a bit before Zoe and Jimmy came back, tired and covered in water and sand.
Beatrice packed their things up and helped them get back to their dorms before saying goodbye to Pete.
"I hope things get better for you. I know we don't talk much, but I'm a good listener."
Pete nodded, though he knew he'd never waste her time like that. He'd have to resolve his issues on his own. "Thank you."
"Glad to be home." Gary said to himself sarcastically as he stepped back into his room after what felt like centuries.
He'd never be back in his dorm room, but that would've been preferred to this. Back at home, with his more than stressed out mother and recently released from prison father. Had they been closer, he would've made some sort of joke about them both finally having paid their time.
It was early July now. He couldn't exactly remember when he was put into Happy Volts, or even when he got expelled from Bullworth, but he knew it had been around four to five months there. And around two months in, he had seen Petey. Poor, sweet Petey, still as fragile as he had been when they first met, or at least seeming that way. He had gotten Johnny out, hadn't he? Even stood his ground and didn't help him out at all. Maybe he had improved even more since then. Maybe he was as confident as Jimmy. Maybe even more so.
Unlikely, but he didn't need to know the answer. His mother probably wouldn't be letting him leave the house by himself for much longer than an hour or two. She had to make sure he was taking his medication everyday, while also trying not to watch over him like a hawk. Through a few letters and in person discussions, the determined goal for Gary was to be able to, by the end of year, take his medication by himself everyday and not have any episodes worse than a cry or some yelling. Until then, he was to check in with the therapist there every week, and if he made a good amount of progress, there would be discussion of bi-weekly or monthly visits instead. They were considering making him do community service, but the hours and what specifically he'd do was still undetermined.
He didn't mind either way, he just wished he wasn't fucking expelled. His father was a pretty smart guy, but a short temper cancelled it out, making him a terrible teacher. His mother was smart and he knew it, but she claimed to be too stressed to take up homeschooling.
It was painful. His parents did not want to move, but there weren't any schools nearby that weren't more than half an hour away, which wasn't ideal for their tight schedules.
The idea made him want to laugh. Him, Gary Smith, being homeschooled? Never in a million years...
He distracted himself from the thought. He needed his brain to focus on something else.
After rummaging through a few old boxes he hadn't touched in lord knows how long, he found a few old notebooks. He settled down on the bed for the day, planning on spending it by taking a trip down memory lane.
"Sooo.." Zoe started, twirling a piece of hair around her finger as she laid on Pete's bed. Jimmy was sick, but she wanted somebody to hang out with for the day.
He looked up from the bookshelf he was working on, trying to rearrange the books, though he was having a hard time deciding on if he should order by color or by size.
Summer was about as boring as he had predicted. He really only hung out with Jimmy and Zoe, and very rarely Beatrice. Lola would catch him on the streets sometimes, ask him if he wanted to bike race, but he'd make some sort of excuse. Truthfully, he didn't like riding his bike anymore when all it did was remind him of Gary and late nights racing with him. Every time Gary would win without fail, but he'd let Pete win the last one. Pete never let him know that he knew, because it was one of the only sweet things Gary did.
He could not stop thinking of Gary Smith, of all people!
He reminded himself to stop. Focus on his guest. "Yeah?" He asked, handing her a book he figured she'd like. Some story about forbidden love and motorcycles. She kept it by her side, tapping her nails against the cover to a beat of a song that only played in her head.
"You're so boring, Pete. I have half the mind to hang out with your mom instead."
He tried not to take the comment to heart. Zoe was usually pretty blunt, but she never really meant it in a mean way.
"Call me when Christmas comes, you'll change your mind."
"What, so we can drink hot cocoa and listen to Paul McCartney's stupid-"
A knock on the door stopped her and she perked up to see Pete's father. He pushed his glasses up his nose, waving hi to Zoe before focusing back on his son.
"What's up, dad?"
"Jimmy's calling."
"Oh, thanks." He said, hurrying up off his knees and to the phone in the living room. His dad and Zoe talked about whatever new store was opening up soon.
"Hello?" He said as he picked up the phone. He heard sniffling on the other end.
"Dude." Jimmy said, a hint of urgency in his tone.
"Hm?"
"Gary- it's Gary."
The name made Pete's heart both sink and flutter. He had dreaded ever hearing that name since the day he helped Johnny out, but he also couldn't help but think. Over the entirety of June, May, and April, all he could think of was Gary. He secretly loved the overgrown hairstyle Gary had worn when they last saw each other. His pale skin, as sick as that was to admire. The way he acted nearly the same, but on the other side of the fence, Pete saw how it was all just for defense. He wasn't so scary when he was pulled away by the orderlies, giving up when he lost hope.
Maybe he thought of what it'd be like. It being friendship. A new one, different and respectful, in whatever way Gary could manage. Maybe something more, but he never let his mind linger on that for too long.
"Pete?" Jimmy yelled, snapping him out of his thoughts.
"What.. what about Gary? Is he.."
"Out. Johnny called me and told me, said he saw him in New Conventry, just walking. The asshole is probably-"
"Jimmy."
"What?"
Pete gulped, bringing his volume down to a whisper in case his mom heard him. "Gary was at Happy Volts. After he got expelled."
There was quiet on the other end of the phone for a moment before Jimmy spoke again. "How do you know?"
"I saw him. I helped Johnny out, and on the way out I saw Gary." He admitted.
"Oh, shit." Jimmy said, and even though they couldn't see each other, Pete knew he was deep in thought. It was understandable that he suspected Gary was up to no good, but he was actually thinking about this, considering what it meant and how it connected to Gary just.. taking a walk.
Pete rubbed a hand over his face, not wanting to deal with the drama for once. "Zoe's over right now. Do you want me to tell her to visit you?"
Jimmy coughed. "Hell yes, please. Tell her to bring some cough drops. I'm dying." He said dramatically before hanging up.
Pete sent Zoe on her way, who was more than eager to hang out with Jimmy instead of Pete. He didn't take much offense to it.
The world was a bit unfocused for him. There were too many thoughts running through his head, and only few were good ones. He wanted to see Gary, hold his hand and let him know that he knew now that all Gary was was mentally ill, not a freak, not a threat. At the same time, he wanted to hide away forever and never leave his house again. Stay safe with his parents forever, never fall back into submission and such a level of self-hatred.
He calmed himself down, going to take a bath.
"The world isn't over."
In the back of his mind, he heard a "..yet."
After a delicious dinner made by his dad, he fell asleep easily. His dreams were.. odd. It would fade from Gary tormenting him to Gary crying and then rarely a flash of Zoe and Jimmy playing in the sand. In the parts with Gary, there was always snow.
Gary had been out of Happy Volts for two weeks now. He was getting the hang of taking his meds without needing a reminder, and he was pleased with how quickly he was making progress.
His parents had settled on getting him a tutor for now, and Gary wasn't sure of his opinion on her. She was tall and lanky, usually awkward, but as soon as they started a lesson or homework, she became a better teacher than most of the ones at Bullworth. It was like she became a different person the moment she sat down, and Gary was finally back to actually learning things. He couldn't believe how much he had missed it.
Since he had done a lot of work and been on good behavior in the house, he was allowed out longer than usual. He had been walking through New Conventry, finding it easier to avoid most of Bullworth's students there. He occasionally ran into a greaser, but he ignored their jabs and questions. Johnny was the only one who didn't try to tease, probably because he knew.
Maybe he thought Gary was a psycho, or had a multitude of disorders that would land him back in Happy Volts just as quickly as he got out.
Today, with his extended time out, he risked it. Actually went into town, got ice cream, and sat down. He much preferred coffee, but his therapist said caffeine brought up anxiety levels, and he didn't need that when anybody who hated him- which was everybody- could see him and decide today was his day to pay for anything and everything he had done.
He finished the ice cream quickly, missing the flavor once it was gone, and now bored. A nearby clock told him he had three hours left out. He didn't want to waste his time, but he just didn't know what to do.
After fiddling with his thumbs for a couple of minutes, a familiar voice made his head shoot straight up.
"Gary?"
"J.." He couldn't decide on James or Jimmy. J worked fine enough, he figured.
Jimmy stepped closer and closer, now towering over the brunette in his metal chair.
"Pete said you were at-"
Gary interrupted him. "Shut the fuck up. I don't need a reminder, okay? I just got out."
Jimmy groaned. "So he's right?"
"Guess so." Gary said quietly, standing up and throwing away a napkin he used for his mouth a few moments ago. He started to walk.
Jimmy followed after him. "So, what? Is this an act? A joke? Are you trying to find a way back into Bullworth? Because you know what they'll do to you.."
Gary stopped abruptly. "Jeez, don't you think I could've actually gotten better?"
"Can you blame me for thinking it's unlikely?"
Gary shook his head after thinking for a moment. "No. I can't.. but I'd still appreciate it if you could be open to the possibility, dick."
"You're not going to get anywhere by calling me that."
"I'm not sorry."
"Have you ever been?"
Gary leaned against a wall, Jimmy standing in front of him. "What, you gonna beat me up?" He asked mockingly, trying not to grin.
"I should." Jimmy said, clearly holding himself back.
As Gary observed the people around them, he saw a few people he recognized walking in their direction. Amongst them, Petey. He nearly choked on nothing.
"James. I should go."
"Mommy doesn't let you stay out long?" Jimmy called out, trying to get the last word in. Gary didn't respond, picking up speed the more he walked down the concrete.
Last time he had seen Petey, he was still having trouble letting the staff give him medicine. He was having trouble doing anything right. That was what Petey remembered from him, as far as he knew. The most recent memory a terrible one.
Once he was far enough, he took a deep breath. In the distant future, he could see a proper time and place for them to talk about.. all of it. Not now, though. Not for a long while, he figured.
He hated how the summer heat made him feel more tired than he already was trying to escape confrontation.
So he went home early, and he hated that his parents didn't seem surprised. He didn't want to be lame, but there was really nothing he could do.
His father sat at the dining table with an empty plate, his mother washing the dishes she had just used to make dinner. He wanted to complain about how his dad was drinking, but he knew his mom wouldn't hear it. He never drank that much, but it was still a constant reminder that things would never get better, at least to Gary. Even after the shitty year this family had went through, his dad would still settle down with a beer every night.
He scowled and ran to his room, jumping onto his bed and burying his face in his pillow. When he had just gotten home and looked through those notebooks, he saw a journal entry from a couple of years ago. It was something about how he had just met Pete- who he described as too girly for his own good. However, at the end he had wrote about his dad. How he often wondered if he'd one day end up like him, drinking nearly every night and having a criminal record.
Tears stung his eyes, but he tried to laugh it away. If he could laugh at himself, beat himself up for this emotion, he'd be fine. That's how his brain had always worked. Except this time it was a failure. The tears dripped down his cheeks, and he had to bite at his fingers to try and bring out anything that wasn't pure sadness. He'd prefer being angry, but it just wasn't happening. He sighed and gave up, letting himself curl up into a ball and grieve everything that had happened recently. Losing Pete and Jimmy, failing at taking over Bullworth, falling off the roof with Jimmy and getting expelled, going to Happy Volts, and now doomed to live the rest of his life in regret and agony.
He answered the question he had asked himself for a long time: Yes, I will end up like my father some day, and if not him, then probably my mother.. which isn't much better.
It wasn't entirely bad, he tried to convince himself. His dad had a wife who loved him despite all his issues, he had a good amount of money- enough to get Gary a good tutor, that was for sure, and.. well, Gary couldn't think of much else, but money and love was good enough, wasn't it?
Night came slowly, but it gave him time to think. He had always seen it as both a blessing and a curse, being able to think as much as he did. His mind always had multiple things it was trying to solve, as well as all the little things he noticed. He would cling on to small details, whereas the people around him only ever saw the bigger picture. That was why he was "difficult", as his mother liked to say.
The next day was easier. He went out much earlier than he had the previous day, and he got ice cream once again. One of the workers remembered him and had a quick conversation with him, and it actually made him feel human for once, talking to somebody who didn't know about his episode earlier this year that landed him in the asylum.
It even made him want to live a bit. He had been hating himself since last night when he realized life really did suck and he'd become his parents in one way or another sooner or later, but if he could have a normal and happy conversation with a stranger, then there was a light of hope somewhere for him.
The light was shut off when, as he opened the door for somebody who kept their head down, straightened up at the sight of him.
"Gary-"
He dashed out, ignoring the concerned look from the worker he had just made small talk with.
Seeing Pete was like going through a breakup- he hated how gay that sounded, but it was the only way to put it. His heart ached and his focus ran away from him. So he didn't regret running, far away and down to the beach, where a few other students from Bullworth hung out.
Johnny and Peanut stood by the bridge, talking in low voices about whatever was relevant to them. Probably Lola.
Johnny spotted him and quickly left Peanut to talk to him before he ran off again.
"Johnny." Gary said quietly, keeping his gaze down towards the floor. The sight of the greaser made him wonder if he needed a haircut. He hadn't gotten on since being put in Happy Volts, and he was sure lots of people would describe it as shaggy and in desperate need of help.
"Gary." Johnny said back, looking him up and down before trying to making eye contact. "You know that I know."
"And now everybody knows, I bet. Gary is crazy, who would've known?" He snapped, not feeling sorry for his tone at all.
"I don't think people care. You don't go to our school anymore, so what does it matter if you're insane?"
Gary grimaced. "I never said insane, asshole. Just crazy."
"Keep on telling yourself that." Johnny said, smiling. "Anyway," He continued. "your boyfriend is a total wreck without you."
Gary's face flushed, and he shoved the greaser, ready to start a fight if he needed to. "If you mean Petey, we're not dating- never have been. I should say the same about you and Peanut over there."
Johnny chuckled, bordering on full on howling. "I meant Jimmy, but I was kidding! Cool it."
Gary rolled his eyes. "I'd rather die than date Jimmy. And I saw him the other day, he's fine."
"I know. Just wanted to see what you'd say."
"Oh, you're so funny." Gary said sarcastically, turning around and then walking away.
"I'll tell Petey you miss him!" Johnny called out, and Gary was tempted to turn around and beat the shit out of him, but he kept his composure for the most part. He needed to remember that he should be making progress, not getting mad over childish comments.
"Somebody's got a crush." Jimmy teased, poking Pete's shoulder as he stared off into space.
He frowned when he came back to earth, shaking his head. "I don't. I'm just.."
Zoe hopped onto the couch, fiddling with Jimmy's fingers absentmindedly out of boredom. "Who is it, Petey? Someone we know?"
Jimmy turned to her and smiled as he started a guessing game. "Probably Pinky."
Pete pretended to gag. "Gross, no!"
Zoe giggled, joining in on Jimmy's teasing. "Maybe it's Beatrice."
Pete sighed, not engaging in it.
Jimmy tried. "Mandy?"
"Christy?" Zoe guessed.
They threw out multiple girls names, not caring that Pete wasn't even bothering to shake his head anymore.
"Shit, maybe we need to think outside the box.." Zoe suggested, and Jimmy caught on.
"Holy shit, it's Derby, isn't it?" He joked.
"That's a good one." Zoe said, jealous she didn't get to it first. "Kirby?"
"Thad?"
"Maybe Trent?"
"Algie?!"
"This is just getting ridiculous.." Pete mumbled. He stood up and went to go this room, Zoe and Jimmy continuing their game.
"Maybe it's Gary!!" Zoe called out, and Pete tried not to freeze up as he shut his bedroom door behind him.
Yes, maybe it was. He wasn't so sure himself. Since he saw him at the asylum, he tried to push away those romantic thoughts that clouded his mind and took up all of his thoughts whenever he tried to relax. He had even tried to promise himself that he would never purposely seek out Gary ever again, in fear of completely falling in love with him.
But he had seen him at the ice cream shop. The fucker had even held the door open for him before he realized, as if Happy Volts had turned him into some sort of gentleman. In the split second Pete had seen him, he was so dreamy. That thought made Pete disappointed in himself, but he couldn't help it. When had Gary ever opened the door for him? And.. when was the last time Gary had gotten a haircut? If they saw each other again, which Pete secretly hoped they would, he'd have to ask if he was trying to grow it out or if he was just too busy.
As pitiful as it was, Pete somehow always had a sort of infatuation with Gary. They both came from deep levels of hatred for themselves, but whereas Pete let people take advantage of him for it, Gary took it and morphed it into something he could use for power, for leverage. Pete wasn't as jealous as he was just in deep admiration, but he passed it off as the former to keep Jimmy from calling him slurs he had already heard a million times before. He knew Jimmy wasn't like that, but the thought scared him.
And.. well, Gary was just imperfectly perfect. He was twisted and dark, but it only added to his charm.
He had pushed these thoughts away for a long while now, but seeing Gary once again brought them back, and now they'd be stuck with him forever. While Jimmy and Zoe laughed in his living room, Pete was against his door in his bedroom, only able to think of Gary.
He had known that this would happen if he ever saw Gary again, but he hadn't expected it to come so soon. He wasn't ready to acknowledge that he was most certainly in love with him.
He met up with Beatrice a couple of days later, by the carnival. She had agreed to chat with him while she waited for whoever she was going to hang out with there.
They sat by the tunnel that led there, observing the birds that flew by and the kids that raced by them on their skateboards and bikes.
"So?" Beatrice started, smiling.
"So.. I just need advice." Pete said, unsure of how to go about this. Maybe if he were a bit secretive about it. "Let's say you like someone, like- a lot. Okay?"
She laughed, covering her mouth when she saw Pete's annoyed look. "Sorry." She mumbled.
"Yeah. Well, okay.." His hands started to shake as he thought about it. "You're entirely sure this person doesn't, and wouldn't ever, like you back. And if you're being honest, maybe they're not all that good for you anyway. Like, they're bad."
Beatrice didn't let him say anything else. "Ask him out." She said bluntly.
Pete looked at her with wide eyes. "Him? I never said-"
"You're so obvious." She shook her head. "I'd do it, if I were you. Who cares if they say no, right? Wouldn't make people judge you anymore than they already do.."
He punched her shoulder lightly. "Rude."
So Beatrice knew. He wondered how many other people did too. Just.. how could she so confidently say that he should ask him out?
As if she read his mind, she spoke up again. "Maybe catch up with him first, you know. Call him up and invite him down to the carnival."
"He's probably not free tomorrow or this week-"
"I mean right now." Where was she getting all this confidence from?
"Oh."
"Yeah." She patted his hand and got up when she noticed somebody. "I'm serious, by the way. You might think it's impossible, but things have a weird way of working out." She nodded her head towards a girl who walked up to her.
Mandy. Somehow, Beatrice had scored Mandy. Life was seriously strange, and now he could confirm it. The two girls held hands as they went to buy tickets.
If Beatrice could do it, then he could.
He dialed a number he hadn't in years, and after a few rings, it picked up.
"Hello?" Gary's mother said, a hint of exhaustion in her voice. He always felt bad for her.
"H-Hey. It's Peter. I was wondering if I could talk to-"
She stopped him, almost completely ignoring his request. "Oh, Pete. I haven't heard your voice in such a long time. How are you?"
He bit back a frustrated noise. "Fine, ma'am. I've missed coming by." He lied.
"And your mom?"
"She's doing well. I can tell her if you want to catch up with her?" He offered, knowing this would make the conversation longer but unable to stop himself. He wasn't blunt at all, he always engaged in small talk whether he wanted to or not.
"That's nice. Yes, please do that. I'll have to call her sometime this week."
"Okay."
"What was that you asked for again?" He could hear her chuckle and whisper to whoever was next to her, probably Gary's dad.
"I wanted to talk to Gary. I was actually going to invite him to the fair." He was embarrassed that he was asking this like there were still ten.
"Oh! Yes- yes. That'd be wonderful. Gary hasn't hung out with anybody since.. well, I'm sure you know. I'll send him your way, if you'd wait for him?"
He would much rather invite him by himself, but if this got him here quicker, he didn't mind.
"Yes, ma'am. Thank you."
"Of course."
He hung up the phone and waited by the entrance of the fair for a good thirty minutes.
A car slowed down in front of him, and two people stepped out. Gary and his mom. She hurried up to Pete, pulling him into a hug that showed him how weak she was. He hugged her back with one arm, making the quick small talk and helping her into her car. His mom had always said he needed to be respectful to his elders, especially if they were women.
"You two have fun. Gary, I expect you to come home or call me to pick you up one it hits 10:00, okay?"
"Okay." He said quietly, kicking a tiny rock.
Pete finally turned to him after putting all his focus on his mom. "Hey, Gary." He said, working very hard to not stutter.
He didn't look up. "Hi."
Pete stepped closer to him, unsure of how much space the other boy wanted. He'd stop once there was a sign.
"I thought we could catch up."
"By going on a playdate? You haven't changed much." Gary insulted. Whether he was off or on his meds, he was always a bit rude, so Pete couldn't tell yet if he was safe to be around or not.
"Would you have rather spent the rest of tonight laying in bed doing nothing?" Pete asked.
Gary tried not to snicker. "With you or by myself?"
Pete huffed and blushed. "Whatever, you know that's not what I meant!"
He spun around and went to go buy tickets, but Gary didn't move at all. He turned his head around.
"Gary?"
"Hm? Oh." Gary snapped out of his thoughts, following after the shorter boy. They bought tickets and went inside, immediately greeted by flashing lights and obnoxious music.
They stood there awkwardly.
"So, do you want to get food.. or?"
Petey sighed. "This is so awkward." He admitted, running his hands over his face. Gary nodded.
"So why did you invite me?"
"I said so I can catch up with you."
"I mean, really, why?"
Petey crossed his arms, unsure of what that meant. "I don't get it."
"C'mon, Petey. Surely this isn't so we can talk about girls we like and whatever new clothing looks cute." He looked around for a moment before leaning closer to Pete. "You saw me at Happy Volts. You've told everybody, and now I bet we're here so you can have Jimmy come beat me up."
Petey laughed at how absurd it sounded. Gary raised an eyebrow.
"I wouldn't spend money on you if I was about to beat you up."
"Who knows with you." Gary said, shaking his head and heading towards the rollercoaster.
Petey tugged on his arm, feeling a shiver run through his body at the physical contact that he himself initiated. "Gary.."
"Sorry, I forgot that little Petey hates rollercoasters." He teased, poking Pete's nose.
"At least you remember something." He muttered as he followed behind Gary.
They got into the seats, and of course Pete's terrible luck landed them in front row. Gary seemed almost way too excited, legs bouncing up and down as he tapped his fingers on Pete's shoulder, forgetting about how he thought this was all so he could be humiliated.
Pete felt sick, and the ride hadn't even started. "Gary, I should get off." He said, scooting to get out, but Gary pulled the lapbar down, locking them in.
"If you can break into an asylum, you can ride a goddamn rollercoaster." He ignored the weird looks from the people behind them, only focusing on Pete.
"That's different!" Pete argued. Before he could yell more, the gears in the cart roared to life as the rollercoaster started.
"Oh, here we go. I haven't been on a rollercoaster in.."
Pete couldn't hear Gary finish his sentence as they suddenly sped up and went higher up than Pete had probably ever been.
They spun in circles and took sharp turns, and by the end of it Petey was sure that he had died. Gary shoved him out so he could finally stand up, cracking his knuckles and starting to head towards the next ride.
Pete balanced himself against the railing for the stairs, legs wobbling and head spinning. When did he last eat?
"Gary!" He called out, but the other boy was too far to hear him over the loud carnival music and screams of other kids on the coaster.
He gave up, sitting down on one of the steps and taking a few deep breaths. He hated that stupid ride, but not as much as he hated how he'd go on it again to see Gary's smile once more. That stupid laugh when Pete yelped too loudly after a turn, when he whined as the ride ended. He had missed Gary so much, and he wanted to see him be happy for eternity.
The sick feeling in his stomach persisted, and he tried to look around to find a restroom. He stumbled around the fair, the colors and sounds overwhelming him. He was leaning against a wall for a building, taking a break from all the walking, when Gary saw him again, holding two cups of water. He laughed at the expression on Petey's face.
"Sorry, Petey. I thought you were following behind." He said, handing him a cup of water that he downed greedily. "Slow down, dumbass. You'll seriously make yourself throw up." He grabbed Pete's shoulder, moving them to a bench and waiting a few minutes before letting him have the other cup, which Pete slowly sipped from this time.
"There you go."
"Thanks."
Gary nodded, watching a few people try to win a rigged game as he laughed at them. Pete could only stare at Gary's face, unable to tear his eyes away from him.
Once Gary realized this, he blushed and shoved Pete, nearly making him fall off the bench. "You're so gay."
"Sorry."
"You should be." Gary said, helping Pete up and taking him to games that weren't as rigged. After winning a good amount of tickets, he handed them to Pete and sent him to go buy whatever he wanted.
Pete clutched them tightly in his hand, unsure of what he'd buy but knowing Gary would be pissed if he didn't use them tonight.
He bought a few posters he'd give to Jimmy to put in his beach house, and a bag that he could use to keep them in for now and then for whatever in the future. Gary was pleased to see that Pete used all the tickets, and then he asked someone the time.
"Shit."
"Are you okay?" Pete asked.
"I've gotta get home soon." He said, stratching the back of his neck and looking for the quickest way out.
Pete frowned, grabbing Gary's hand as he started to hurry out. Gary shook him away, but he made sure Pete was still following.
Petey didn't want him to go, not when it was finally starting to happen. Friendship after a reunion, and a night full of smiles and laughter. Of course, it came along with a few witty insults from Gary and some embarrassment from Petey, but that was normal, and he hadn't felt normal in forever. He wanted this. Needed it, even.
"Can you stay at my place tonight?" Pete blurted out, heart aching at the idea of this night ending so soon.
Gary stopped to think for a moment before walking again. "Call my mom once we get out of here."
After a call and waiting outside in the warm summer night, Gary's mom had decided to let him stay the night so long as he came home early the next day.
They settled into Petey's bedroom after his parents bombarded Gary with questions about if he was okay and what they had missed since the last time they saw him.
"I forgot that your parents were exactly like you." Gary said, taking off his shoes.
"That's how most people are." Pete pointed out, not missing the pained expression that flashed across Gary's face for a moment. Just a moment.
"I guess." He whispered, crawling into the bed next to Pete and laying down on his back, stretching out his legs.
Pete bit his lip, unsure if he had hit a nerve or not. He knew Gary didn't think very highly of his parents, and it probably was an insult to be seen the way they were. "I'm sorry."
"You're always sorry."
Pete stopped himself before he could apologize again. "..I mean it, though."
Gary turned his head to him, their eyes meeting. Pete turned away, not wanting to stare too long and fall even deeper in love. He switched the subject. "Do you plan on getting a haircut any time soon?"
"Asshole. I don't plan on it, I'm thinking it'll be all symbolic and shit if I try a new look, like, a new Gary or whatever."
"That'd be cool." Pete said, though he really wanted to say "you're cool, you're so cool" he kept his mouth shut. He couldn't admire this guy more than he already did.
Gary turned on to his side, running his fingers along Pete's back, sending shivers down his spine. "Maybe you should try something new."
Pete gulped. "Maybe I should." He agreed, but he knew their ideas were completely different. He wanted Gary, not a new hairstyle or a different set of clothes. Just Gary.
"We didn't really catch up, did we?"
"No, I don't think so." Petey said, gaining the courage to turn back and maintain eye contact with the taller boy. On the bed, height didn't matter. He wasn't as intimidating.
"I've heard you and Jimmy are still friends."
"We are." Pete didn't bother asking where he learned that, since it was true.
"It's a shame, I was wondering if you had gotten any more confident since my expulsion."
"You know that'd probably never happen."
Gary snickered, then broke out into a fit of laughter, his whole body shaking. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes, and Pete was tempted to sleep on the couch for the night.
"What?"
Gary wiped away the tears, coming down from whatever the hell that was. "I just never thought we'd be here ever again, having a fucking sleepover." The word sleepover made him howl like a hyena again.
Pete shoved him and rolled back onto his other side. "Okay."
"Aww, did I hurt your feelings?"
No response.
"I didn't mean it like that, okay? I think it's cute that we're doing this again."
Pete smiled, but he made sure Gary didn't see it. "I didn't think I'd ever hear you make a proper apology."
Gary saw this as a challenge. "I didn't think I'd ever be laying in bed next to the gayest guy I know."
Pete didn't take offense to that. Gary had said worse. "I didn't think you'd willingly stay at my house when you think I'm gay. I dunno, that seems gay to me as well."
Gary gently smacked his arm, and he giggled. "Whatever. I didn't think you'd even want to be near me once I got out."
"I probably shouldn't, but what do I care about what I should and shouldn't do? You should be happy you somehow have a friend after everything." He finally turned back around. "I didn't think you'd stay here long after being released from Happy Volts. Figured you'd pack up and leave the second you got out."
Gary sighed, pretending to focus on something on his hand as he spoke. "I didn't think I'd be here much longer either."
That didn't seem right, Pete thought. It sounded wrong. Like he agreed that he also didn't plan on staying long, but he knew he meant it in a way much deeper than just moving a few cities over.
He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Do you have any plans for the future?"
Gary hated that question more than anything. He shrugged. "I'll probably be dead by twenty. If not, then I'd either be in prison or working the most awful and boring job ever."
That first sentence made Pete's heart sink, and he sat up. He felt terrible for Gary, because no one should have to feel like that. He should know. "We'll probably both be dead by twenty."
"Why do you say that? You don't want to work in the library like daddy?" Gary tried to tease, but Pete saw through it. Knew it was a defense mechanism and nothing more than that. Silly insults couldn't hurt him if they were from Gary.
"No. I know I said lots of people are like their parents, but I also think most would rather never end up like their parents, and I'm one of those people. I want to actually do something with my life, 'cause I feel like I've been wasting it since I was born."
Gary now sat up as well, ignoring the familiar pain in his chest. It was like looking into a mirror. "Life is a waste, Petey. Why should we even try? The only ending is death, no matter what path you take. Is it even worth it?"
Pete hesitated, registering the fact that he was hearing genuine emotion from the other boy. Pure sadness, not tainted by the need to look powerful and confident. Just him and what he truly thought.
"Maybe it's not. Maybe everything is a terrible waste, but at the end I could look back on all of this, and either I'd regret it or appreciate it- probably both. At least I could say I did something, whether it was productive or not. We don't really make an effort to help people, do we? We're kind of just here, right?"
"Right." Gary whispered. "But you don't get it. Who cares if I can look back on it in the future, when the present is so agonizingly painful? Sometimes, I really, really can't stand it."
"I can't say I feel much different. Everyday is a new chore." Pete said softly, bringing his knees to his chest. "It'll all be over soon. That's what my mom says. She says I'll be happier when I let myself."
Gary nodded, laying back down and resting his head on his arm. "I'll see you in hell once we're both twenty."
"I'll try to save you a seat." Pete replied smoothly, laying down as well and falling asleep. He finally felt cold that night, almost as if winter was still there.
The next few weeks felt like a breath of fresh air now that there was a new level of understanding between them, one they didn't mention but still acknowledged. Most days Gary would visit Petey by his house and walk with him, or at least spend a couple of hours on call with him if he didn't feel like going out.
Weeks turned into months.
Summer had long been over, but neither of the two minded. Halloween seemed to come by quicker.
This time, Pete had picked out the costumes. Revenge for the disaster that was last years Halloween.
Gary wore some fake wings and a striped shirt. Pete also wore cheap wings that looked made by his mother, but his shirt had dots on it instead. A ladybug and a bee, and of course Pete chose the ladybug.
"I feel like a girl." Gary said, fixing his hair, that was still taking its time to grow out.
"I prefer this over whatever the fuck your costume was last year."
Gary groaned. "Don't mention it! I thought I was clever."
"I'll never know why you didn't just pick a random werewolf mask like most of the jocks."
"I'll never know either." Gary said with a weird chuckle that made Pete's face flush bright red. Recently, nearly all of his friend's actions could make him fold.
By the end of the night, Gary had lost his fake stinger and one of his wings was torn in half, and the bottom of Pete's pants were covered in dirt. They had spent time playing a few pranks- ones that, at Pete's request, were not as hostile as last years, but they still ran after each one as if they were on the run from the police, which results in a lot of costume tears and Pete falling down.
Halloween ended with them putting bandaids on each other and laughing over how stupid the night had been. They knew it was a childish waste of time, but they did it with each other, so who cared?
Thanksgiving came and went, and then it truly was winter time. Any type of warmth was becoming uncommon again, and Petey loved it. He was doing exceptionally well in school, and he got to enjoy the cold weather when he walked from the main building back to the dorms everyday.
Gary was working hard in his studies, his tutor often praising how rapidly he was understanding concepts and getting work done. He hadn't missed a single day in regards to taking medicine, and he was starting to actually open up in therapy.
His therapist had asked him a question at one point that had lingered in his mind since.
"So, Peter.. You seem to like him." Was how it had started, and it had ended with "Have you ever thought that you might have a crush on him?"
Crush. That word was for middle schoolers, not people like him. He quickly had answered that he didn't want to talk about it, and that was that. It made him think even more than he typically did, which seemed impossible.
Sure, they were getting closer than most boys typically did, but it didn't mean anything! It was just a result of being away from each other so long, with no real form of contact. That was all.
But maybe it wasn't. As much as he hated to think about it, he knew he couldn't ignore it. The smile that always seemed to form on his face around Petey. How often they had been sleeping over, always in the same bed, sometimes sharing whatever clothes could fit the both of them. Gary had even stopped teasing Petey over his stuffed animals, because he didn't feel the need for power when he was around him. Ever since that one talk, there was something new between them, something they and only they could have.
Gary ran his hand through his hair. "Shit."
Fireworks shot up into the sky and exploded, leaving pretty colors and noises that would make fragile ears ring.
Gary had snuck out of his house, pulling his jacket on after he unceremoniously fell to the ground. His bike was broken, and he couldn't find his skateboard anywhere, so he settled on running like his life depended on it. It felt like it did.
He had been released from Happy Volts back in July, and now it was New Years Eve. He had experienced Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas with Petey, and he intended the same for this holiday.
It took a while, but he finally made it down to the beach with just enough time before the new year. He spotted Petey through the crowd, wearing a jacket much too big for him and pink gloves, looking up at the sky with wonder.
He dashed towards him, grabbing his hand and dragging him away from the large amount of people, who didn't seem focused anyway.
"Gary?! Are you okay, what's going on?" Pete asked, worry evident on his face. He wasn't sure why Gary would be doing something like this so suddenly.
Once they were far enough away from the other people, fireworks distracting them, he put his hands on Petey's shoulders, taking a deep breath.
"I really fucking like you." He admitted.
Pete seemed to be frozen, staring at the other boy with his jaw dropped to the floor.
"..I think." Gary added awkwardly, not pulling his hands away. "..because all I can think about is that night after the carnival. Maybe we will be dead by twenty, but I'd rather spend that little time left with you than bathe in self-pity. I want to stay with you past twenty- 'till thirty, forty, fifty.. until we're too old to even properly function. I want to be with you when we die. I really, really, really mean it."
After a few moments, he started to panic. "Fuck, if you don't-" He was cut off by a gentle yet eager kiss being pressed to his lips, and his eyes widened momentarily before fluttering shut.
Cheers erupted from all the other kids on the beach. The new year was here.
Gary pulled his mouth away and wrapped Petey into a hug. "Happy New Year." He said, eyes shut tight.
"I really fucking like you too." Petey said, making fun of Gary, but having no ill intention.
"I can walk away right now, I swear." Gary threatened, knowing he would never do that, especially not now.
Petey pulled him close again by his jacket, wanting to make sure he stayed. "I mean it too. I hope I don't die any time soon, because I actually like life again with you. It makes me want to plan a future, be excited for things, appreciate what I have. You, I mean."
"If we were old enough, I'd probably marry you right now." Gary said, not caring how stupid that sounded. He was serious.
Petey nodded, pulling Gary back in for another kiss. "I know you would."
After the much longer kiss, they sat in the sand and watched the multitude of fireworks above them. They leaned into each other, holding hands and just enjoying each other's company.
"I think I would too."