Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“If you cum inside me, I will raise the baby out of spite and train it to become a killing machine that eventually hunts you down. Got it?”

(Distracted) “Uh-huh.”

Late June 1996 
Wiskayok, New Jersey

It’s been two weeks since graduation and Shauna still hasn’t worked up the nerve to tell Jackie that she’s going to Brown in the fall; not Rutgers. In fact, she’s beginning to think that, as shitty as she feels lying to her best friend, maybe she should just continue to keep it a secret. Avoid confrontation altogether and let the situation resolve itself when they inevitably drift apart at their separate colleges. She’s definitely not about to reveal her affair with Jeff, either. It's not among her proudest high school memories and it’s over now anyway; they haven’t slept together since the night before the Yellowjackets left for Nationals.

Don’t ruin this, Shauna, she tries to convince herself, what Jackie doesn’t know, won’t hurt her. 

But she can’t shake the nagging feeling in her gut that something is about to go horribly wrong with this plan. It seems too simple, too easy. Can she really walk away scot-free? (Minus a healthy dose of shame and guilt). Undetected?  

And then there’s the fact that her period is late. Very late. At first, she dismissed it as stress from their intense soccer training during Nationals, then studying for finals and competing with Taissa for class valedictorian (which she lost, but did make salutatorian) because she didn’t even want to consider the possibility that it could be anything else. But now? Now, she’s wondering if karma’s come back to bite her (and Jeff) in the ass for betraying Jackie after all.

“Hey, earth to Shipman!” Jackie’s fingers suddenly snap in front of her face, interrupting her paranoid thought spiral and reminding her of where she is. At a party. In Jeff’s basement. Sitting with the rest of the senior Yellowjackets (minus Lottie who, for some reason, nobody’s seen in weeks). The boys’ baseball team is here, too. People are drinking. Dancing. Playing beer pong. Staring at me, waiting for an answer...

Shit. 

“What?” Shauna cringes at how stupid she sounds as Jackie gives her a weird look. 

“Nat asked you if you wanted another beer.” Alcohol. Oh, fuck. What if there *is* a baby? 

“No!” She blurts, too fast. 

Jackie’s eyes widen.

Then, “I-I mean, no thanks, Jax. I just don’t, um, I’m good.”

“Boo!” Van heckles her, but Shauna barely hears the redhead’s taunting over her own rising panic. 

Reaching for her purse, she decides she’d better take that cheap pregnancy test she picked up at the pharmacy this morning and hurries toward the bathroom, ignoring the confused shouts of her teammates echoing after her.  

However, the universe seems determined to punish her tonight because not only is the door locked, but Randy’s still in there barfing his (nonexistent) brains out along with that moldy cheese Kevyn Tan dared him to eat.

Gross.

“Randy!” She yells, jiggling the handle with all the patience you’d expect from a teenage girl freaking the fuck out, “I swear to God I will literally kick this door down if you don’t get…”

“Okay, okay!” Randy’s voice slurs as he unlocks it. Then, realizing it’s her, “Oh, hey there, sexy lady!”

But she shoves right past him and slams the door again without hesitation or an ounce of remorse. Because there’s a high probability that she’s pregnant with her best friend’s boyfriend’s baby and, if that’s the case? It could cause her hopes and dreams to go up in smoke and expose everything she’s been hiding from Jackie in one fell swoop.

(10 minutes later)  

Two dark lines. Positive. Pregnant. 

Shauna bites down on her knuckles hard, stifling a sob. “Oh, no. No, no, no. Shit!” She curses under her breath, rocking back and forth while trying not to hyperventilate on the spot. She’s done it now. She’s fucked. 

And she’s going to murder Jeff.

As if on cue, the bathroom door (which she must’ve forgotten to re-lock) flies open and Jeff himself stumbles in. “Whoops, my bad!” He yelps, noticing her on the floor next to the toilet. Well, speak of the devil!

“You fucking moron!” Shauna hisses, clambering to her feet with a vengeance. She grabs him by the collar of his shirt and shoves him against the sink, all but throwing the positive pregnancy test in his face. “Did you cum inside me?” 

Jeff’s jaw goes slack. “Uhhh...” 

“Christ, Jeff, did you pull out or not?!” She demands, wild-eyed. Desperate. 

He shakes his head, sheepish. 

Then, as the reality of their predicament sets in, “Oh, shit. I…we, we can’t…” And he doesn’t waste a second, bolting from the bathroom like his life depends on it.

Because it does. 

“Coward!” Shauna screams after him, “Go ahead and run. But when I catch you, you’re fucking dead, Sadecki!” 

The clusterfuck that follows this is one for the Wiskayok High history books: first, Jeff makes the rookie mistake of trusting Randy with their dirty little secret, confessing that not only did he cheat on his girlfriend with her childhood BFF, but now the latter’s pregnant with his baby. Then Randy, who’s of course butthurt that Jeff “stole” Shauna from him, runs and tattles on both of them to Jackie, causing the huge fight that’s since erupted in the middle of the party…

“Why’d you do it, Shauna?” Jackie demands tearfully. In front of everyone. “You don’t even like Jeff!”

“Yeah and how would you know?” Shauna retorts, automatically defensive because she knows she's in the wrong here. That none of this would've happened if she had a backbone. “You’re so obsessed with yourself, I’m surprised you’re aware other people even exist. You never even asked me if I wanted to go to Rutgers, you just assumed I’d go there because that’s what you wanted. You tell me what to wear, what to do, who to hook up with, I-I don’t even like soccer anymore! But you just get everything you want, all the time. Like it’s nothing! And I’m sick of it so, yeah, I applied to Brown. Because maybe I needed a fucking break from you!” 

Jackie scoffs, looking equal parts devastated and incredulous as she says, “Oh my God, you are such a cliché!” Then, mockingly, “Is the sad, little sidekick mad? Did I force you to live in my shadow, Shauna?” 

“Fuck you!” The brunette snaps back, unable to acknowledge the crumb of truth in her ex-best friend’s accusation. Because in order to do that, she’d have to admit the reason why she’s tolerated her second-class treatment all these years. The very thing Jeff and I bonded over… 

We both love you, Jax, but it feels like you only care about yourself. 

So, instead, she goes in for the kill. 

“I'm sorry I didn’t wanna peak in high school, Jackie. Because you’re tragic, boring, and insecure. And if I didn’t get out of your shadow soon, it was gonna destroy me,” she whispers, putting the final nail in the coffin and hammering it shut. 

(Except I'm the tragic one, she wants to add, you were my favorite person in the whole world. 

But I was too weak to tell you the truth. So, I hurt you.

I ruined us with secrets and lies. 

And I'm sorry, Jax. I'm so, so sorry.). 

“Well, then congratulations, Shipman,” Jackie counters venomously, arms crossed over her chest, “you were so fucking jealous of me, you blew up your own future. I hope it was worth it!”

It wasn’t, Shauna answers inside her head, one hand subconsciously resting on her stomach. But it’s too late now. There’s no taking back the heartache they’ve caused each other.   

***

It’s midnight when Shauna sneaks back into her house. Though instead of finding the living room dark and empty like she’d expected, her mom is there. Wide awake and smoking a cigarette. Shit, she thinks, cursing her poor timing, she must’ve just gotten home, too. Noticed my car wasn’t in the driveway.  

“Shauna?” Her mother's stern voice stops her in her tracks, “You’re an hour past curfew. Your brother's already asleep. But…” Maureen Shipman sighs, mellowing a bit, “Care to explain why you’re crying harder than you did when Fluffernutter died?” 

Fluffernutter. Her beloved pet bunny whom she and Jackie had rescued back in first grade when they found him wandering on the side of the road together. But it was only because the Taylors hadn't wanted Jackie bringing a "filthy stray" into their immaculate, two-story residence that Shauna got to keep him as her loyal companion for ten years. And his death was, hands down, one of the saddest days of her life. 

She’s kind of surprised that her mother is paying enough attention to her current emotional state to even remember this. Usually, her mom's too tired from work (and, well, everything) to bother. Or care. So, as much as she’d rather just lie to her, she knows she can’t. Not this time. 

“I…I’m pregnant, Mom,” her voice cracks on the big reveal, “and I fought with Jackie. I think our friendship is over.” She doesn't say whose baby she’s carrying or what specifically caused their fight. The details don’t matter now. All that matters is that she’s lost her best friend in the worst way possible. And she’s terrified. 

Maureen opens her mouth as if to respond, then closes it again. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” she mutters finally, “no wonder you’re hysterical.”

“Are you mad?” Shauna asks her, afraid to make eye contact. She’s so ashamed of herself.

But Maureen simply motions for her to join her on the couch, answering, “Well, I’d be a hypocrite if I was since I had you at eighteen.” Then, somewhat hesitant, “It's not my job to judge you, Shauna. You're an adult now so, however you wanna handle this, is your choice. I'd just remind you that you’re even more impulsive than usual when your emotions go all haywire. So, maybe give it a couple days before you do anything permanent. I mean, we're in New Jersey. There's no rush. If you want an abortion, the clinic's still gonna be there whether it's tomorrow or next week. And if you don't, or you can’t follow through with it, we'll figure it out.” 

Shauna raises an eyebrow, shocked that her mother would offer an alternative. That she's being so supportive. “Wait, what?” 

“Oh, please.” Maureen waves a hand at her daughter, stubbing out her cigarette with the other. “You’ve got a soft heart, Shauna Marie. Even if it’s buried under a foot of ice most days, it’s there. So, I’m just saying that you might struggle with the decision. And I'm not cruel enough to force you into something you're not ready for. Money's tight but abortion is personal. Either it feels right or it doesn't and every woman needs to discern that for herself." 

Then, sighing again, “Just remember, whatever you decide, you’re the one who gets to live with it. Not me, not your friends or the clinic staff or the protestors outside. Hell, not even the dad if history repeats. So, choose for yourself. Don’t let anybody sway you in either direction. Okay?” 

Shauna forces a smile. “Okay.” 

***

(A few days later) 

The waiting room inside the clinic is chilly, the fluorescent lights too bright for Shauna’s liking. Yesterday, she had it confirmed that she’s eight weeks pregnant and today, she’s here for a vacuum aspiration, accompanied by Laura Lee of all people. They’re not exactly friends but, when the blonde offered to come (“for moral support”) despite being visibly (and probably spiritually) uncomfortable with what she's about to do, she was too moved to say no. 

Honestly, she thinks, *I’m* not even comfortable with this; just scared, desperate, and indecisive as fuck. 

She’s fighting two separate battles inside herself: emotion versus logic and right versus wrong. Because not only is there a deep, primal part of her that’s already getting attached to this potential baby. But her subconscious brain is telling her that, whether she aborts it or not, her ideal college experience is no longer conceivable. In other words, she’s filled with so much guilt and shame over hurting Jackie that intentionally dodging the karmic consequences of her betrayal will only exacerbate both, wreaking havoc on her fragile mental state. And that means she won’t be able to enjoy Brown the way she’d planned to anyway. 

Ugh! 

She should’ve insisted on using protection that night in Jeff’s car instead of trusting his subpar pull-out game. After all, she’s the one who initiated their stupid hookup; nobody else forced her to jump in his lap. He would’ve dropped her off at home, no harm, no foul. But now, their reckless sex has created a new, innocent life. One that didn’t ask to exist but at least deserves a chance to develop and grow now that it does. And maybe it’s a sign from the universe or whatever God is up there. Maybe she’s supposed to let this happen because it’ll save her from continuing down the self-destructive path she’s on. Maybe it’s an opportunity to both punish and redeem herself but also a reason to get her shit together.

To succeed…  

As a door opens and a distressed-looking woman hurries out of the clinic, producing a sniffle from the girl next to them, she realizes it’s now or never. She nudges Laura Lee. “I changed my mind,” she says, “I can’t do this today.” 

“Really?” Laura Lee seems surprised, but relieved. “Oh, Praise God!” 

And Shauna swears it's like the blonde was praying for this outcome the whole time. 

Chapter Text

Early March 2003
Wiskayok, New Jersey

Shauna’s not sure why she did it. Maybe it’s because she was horny and drunk. Or, because she has a propensity for blowing up her life. Or both. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s definitely both. But her reasoning (or lack thereof) doesn’t matter now. The damage is done. She’s pregnant again. And the baby is Jeff’s. Again.  

However, before she can descend into a full-blown panic spiral, a knock on the bathroom door snaps her out of it…“M-Mom?”

“I’m okay, Mikey,” she lies, knowing she can’t very well tell her six-year-old son, “Hey, by the way, I drank too much Malibu and milk at Aunt Chrissy’s wedding and fucked your sperm donor in a coat closet. Congratulations, you’re getting a little brother or sister in t-minus nine months.” 

But, of course, he doesn’t believe her. He is her kid, after all, and that means he’s a natural-born skeptic. “You sure, Mom?” He asks in a soft, worried voice that would be annoying if his concern for her weren’t so damn sweet. 

And, okay, she can’t keep lying to him. He’s too smart and she’s a shit liar anyway. So, glaring at the pregnancy test like it’s mocking her, she finally answers, “You can come in, buddy. See for yourself…” 

Mikey pushes the door open without hesitation. “Oh, you’re on the floor,” he says, face scrunching in confusion as his big, brown eyes flicker down to find her. He points at the piss-coated stick in her hand. “What’s that?” 
 
Fuck, Shauna thinks, okay. Here goes nothing. 

“I…” She takes a deep breath to steel herself, “Mommy’s got a baby in her belly.” 

“A baby?” Mikey repeats, awestruck. Then, with the innocence only a child his age could possess, "Is it a boy or girl?” And Shauna’s not sure whether she wants to laugh or cry at that.  

“No clue, bud,” she tells him honestly. “It’s too soon.” 

She’s still processing the fact that this is even happening again. But maybe she shouldn’t be so surprised when emotion has almost always overruled logic in her brain despite her superior intellect. And she’s never regretted becoming a mom because, in a way, motherhood prevents her from succumbing to her worst, most self-destructive instincts. The love she feels for her son and her need to protect him is what’s gotten her this far when she might’ve otherwise burnt out by now. Or worse.

Teenage Shauna dreamed of writing novels and traveling abroad but lacked inspiration, her creative spark dimmed, if not dead, after years spent in Jackie’s shadow. She was chasing something exciting but abstract, unsure whether she’d actually achieve her goals or spontaneously combust trying. But, with Mikey along for the ride, she'd still accomplished everything (sans attending Brown). She'd graduated from NYU with honors, earning her BA in English, then galavanted around Europe for a year before he was due to start kindergarten, and now she's finishing up her MFA while working on the manuscript that will hopefully become her first book in the not-too-distant future.

So, yeah, another baby isn’t ideal, but it’s not a death sentence, either. And she already knows that, even if it was, she’d go through with it anyway. Because anything less than a challenge is boring with a capital B… 

She pulls Mikey into a hug, then, and gently ruffles his shaggy, blond hair. “But Mommy’s gonna figure it out, okay?” She whispers, kissing his forehead. “I promise.” And, as he nods, snuggling contentedly against her shoulder, she’s hit with the overwhelming resolve to succeed. Both for his sake, and that of the baby now growing in her womb. 

***

She’s sitting in bed, journaling, when the phone on her nightstand rings around 10 PM. “Hello?” She says.

There’s a beat of breathy, uncertain silence. Then, “Heya, Shipman.”
   
“Jackie?!” She sputters in disbelief. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” her ex-best friend chuckles. “I, uh, heard the news. About the pregnancy. Lottie told me. She said you seemed okay when she found you in the bathroom earlier but, well…are you?”

Shauna hesitates for a split second. Then, “No, not really,” she confesses. “I mean, it’s Jeff’s. But you know I can’t hold my liquor for shit. So, of course, I didn’t think twice before hooking up with him in the coat check at his sister’s wedding. Because that might’ve made some kind of sense. And, obviously, alcohol intoxication is a super effective form of birth control. Ugh, it’s not fucking fair!” 

“Right,” Jackie says, and Shauna can almost hear the smirk in her voice, “it’s fucking Jeff.”

“Screw you,” Shauna groans back, but she’s smiling. 

Jackie continues, “Yeah, yeah, bad joke. I just…damn, Shipman. If our eighth grade selves could see us now. Who would’ve guessed that, at twenty-five, you’d have two ‘whoops babies’ with my high school sweetheart while I’m sipping margaritas on a yacht in Palm Beach?”

“Hey, I did other stuff, too!” Shauna cuts her off, laughing, “I was in Europe for a year, Jax. Lottie and I flirted with a bunch of hot French guys, hung out in centuries-old libraries, and expanded my son’s culinary palate. Thank you very much.”  
 
“Touché, Madame Wanderlust.”

This is…nice, Shauna realizes, joking around with Jackie. After she betrayed her with Jeff and lied about Rutgers, their friendship was destroyed. But the rift between them has shrunk somewhat in recent years. And even though her bond with Jackie won’t ever be the same as it was, it’s still more than Shauna feels she deserves. Not to mention, with how toxic they were as teenagers, maybe that distance is for the best.  

***

(8 months and 5 days later)

Shauna goes into labor on a crisp evening in early November. Lottie drives her to the hospital and stays with her during the birth because Jeff, well aware that she'd (purposely) break his hand if it were him by her side instead, is too chicken-shit. But she doesn't care; she'd rather have Lottie there anyway. Jeff is better off staying in the waiting room with Mikey and their respective families, watching the football game that's on TV, lest she murder him for knocking her up a second time. And she's sure he's happy as a clam, completely oblivious to the physical agony that is childbirth. 

"I am never doing this again," she rants as another painful contraction overtakes her, "I'll cut Jeff's dick off first," prompting the doctor, an older man with square glasses, to quickly avert his gaze. 

"She's kidding, Doc," Lottie tries to reassure him, but the look Shauna gives her in return is sharp enough to slice through tungsten carbide. "Or not..."

Finally, though, and after several hours of pushing and moaning, Shauna's suffering comes to an end when she delivers her healthy, seven pound baby girl. The infant's wailing rivals a chorus of banshees and with dark hair to boot, there is no denying that she's her mother's daughter. 

"Check out the pipes on this one, huh?" A nurse quips, "You've got yourself a singer."  

But Shauna's barely listening to them. She was so afraid before, unsure if she'd be able to love another baby as much as she loves Mikey, but those fears were squashed in an instant. She loves her already, deeply and unconditionally. Almost like she's always existed. And Shauna can't imagine a world without her in it. She doesn't want to... 

"What's her name?" Mikey, who's since entered the room with Jeff and her mom, asks excitedly. 

And Shauna smiles, pulling him close as she answers, "Cailleach Marie Shipman. But we can call her Callie for short." 

"She's beautiful, Shauna," beams Lottie. Then, addressing the baby, "Hey, little one. You don't know this yet but you have the best mom and big brother. And your dad's okay but Auntie Lot, that's me, is gonna teach you all the important stuff. Like how to read horoscopes and steal from the rich." 

A few of the other former Yellowjackets stop by, too; Misty with a homemade crochet blanket, Natalie just to say "congrats", and last but not least is Jackie, who arrives carrying a teddy bear with a yellow bow tied around its neck.   

"Congratulations, Shipman," the blonde says, completely ignoring Jeff (for obvious reasons). And Shauna can't help but remember the last time Jackie spoke these exact words to her over seven years ago. Of course, the context had been so different back then, but it gives her pause nonetheless. 

"Thanks, Jax," she chuckles, wiping a rogue tear from her cheek. "That means a lot coming from you." And Jackie, being Jackie, just smirks. 

"I know it does, Shipman."