Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Owen: My bad, It’s a knee jerk response.
Apo, holding Cleo's unconscious body: WHOSE KNEE JERK RESPONSE IS TO START THROWING BRICKS AT SOMEONE???

Jack: What are the hardest things to say?
Avid: I was wrong.
Owen: I need help.
Scott: Worcestershire sauce.

Scott: You don’t deserve me.
Owen: At your worst or your best?
Scott: I don’t have a worst.
Owen: Because you’re already at your worst?

Avid: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-
Scott: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~
Avid: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-
Drift, recording: This is so cute.

Avid: What language do they speak at the center of the earth?
Avid: Core-ean
Apo: The center of the earth is arond 5430 degrees Celsius! Nobody is going to live there so they don’t need a language!
Scott: Core-ean.

Cleo: You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time.

Jack: What is wrong with you?
Shelby: Many, many things...
Shelby: And most of them are your fucking fault.

Apo: Hey, what have you two been up to?
Owen: We were helping Avid write their vows, but they kicked us out because Jack was making inappropriate suggestions.
Jack: How is “Scott, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?

Shelby: What are you two arguing about this time?
Jack: They’re always using common phrases incorrectly!
Drift: Cry me a table, Jack.

Avid, holding an unconscious Scott: Oh no. Please don’t be dead.

Avid: You know, I really wish you’d just admit you made a mistake sometimes.
Shelby, stirring their coffee: I prefer it with salt.

Owen: *raises eyebrows*
Cleo: Put those back down!

Apo: A banker? Me?
Cleo: Yes, Apo.
Apo: But I don’t know anything about running a bank!
Cleo: Good. No preconceived ideas.
Apo: I’ve robbed banks!
Cleo: Capital! Just reverse your thinking. The money should be on the inside.

Shelby: I’m telling you, my team is competent.
Avid, rushing in: Shelby! Scott tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now it's broken!

Apo: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?
Owen, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.

Scott: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.
Avid: And you came to me?

Cleo: I hate to say ‘I told you so’—
Jack: No, you don’t. You would marry 'I told you so’ and have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots.

Avid: How long do you think it'll take?
Scott: I don’t know, three or four.
Avid: Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?
Scott: Yeah, maybe five.
Avid: Five what?!

Cleo: So, Scott is late today. Anyone wanna bet why?
Cleo: I say they slipped through the subway grate and is having terrible sex with the mole man.
Shelby: I don't know about that...I think either their alarm clock didn't go off, or they're in line at the bank.
Owen: Take this more seriously! Scott was clearly taken in their sleep!
Apo: I bet they tucked themselves into the bed too tightly and got stuck.
Jack: Maybe they fell into another dimension where they're more interesting...?
*Scott arrives*
Scott: Sorry I'm late - there was a problem at the bank.
Shelby, clapping their hands in excitement: HOT DAMN!

Avid: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.
Avid: That's why I own TEN guns.
Avid: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

Drift: Owen, when’s your birthday?
Owen: Why? So you can look up my natal chart? So you can figure out my weaknesses? So you can destroy me?
Drift: …So I know when to wish you a happy birthday.

Cleo: What's the most illegal thing you can do with one dollar?
Drift: Exchange it for a hundred pennies, put them all in a sock, and then beat someone to death with it.

Chapter Text

Owen: Shelby... you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now.
Shelby: *muffled* mm hmmm :)
Owen: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable

Owen: You borrowed a crane?
Scott: Not exactly.
Drift: You stole a crane?!
Scott: Exactly.

Shelby: In the past year you have managed to piss off the LAPD, ATF, CIA, FBI-
Drift: NBA.
Shelby: …?
Drift: Snuck into a Cliffords game.

Scott: Good morning.
Shelby: Good morning.
Apo: Good morning.
Drift: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Avid: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

Shelby: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
Jack: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
Shelby: God?!

Drift: What the hell is wrong with you?
Jack: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I’m better than everyone else.

Cleo: Apo is taking credit for Owen's work, getting them to deal with everything, and making fun of them! You know what they sounds like?
Scott: You?
Cleo: No, I meant... You know Owen. In spite of being clever and sarcastic they’re also... fragile and weird and they have trouble fitting in. And Apo is taking advantage of their weakness! You know what that’s called?
Scott: A Cleo?
Cleo: ...Yeah, but I’m the only one who should be allowed to do that, okay?!

The Coven: *walking at the mall*
Drift: Hey, have any of you guys seen Shelby? They’ve been gone for a while..
Scott: Eh, nope.
Cleo: No, I haven’t...
Jack: Probably ran off to McDonald’s or something.
Shelby: Hey.
Drift: Ooh, there you are-
Scott: What the fu-
Jack: I- where were you?!
Shelby: Walking right behind you guys.

Scott: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal, that's where the blood's supposed to be!

Scott: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its “intelligent” and “really cool”.
Scott: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”.

Apo: How was your day, Cleo?
Cleo: Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at the town.
Apo: Oh? And what does that mean?
Cleo: It means I can't bully anyone for a whole week.

Cleo: Go to sleep or you'll hate yourself in the morning!
Owen: I'll hate my self in the morning regardless.

Apo: You're alive.
Scott: There's no need to sound so disappointed.

Avid: Hey, I was wondering, have any of you guys ever seen Cleo’s bedroom?
Jack: No, they refuse to let any of us visit. You know what that means.
Scott, nodding: Dungeon.
Drift, nodding: Rich.
Apo, nodding: Homeless.
Avid, nodding: Secretly in the mafia.
Jack: What? No, I meant they’re messy. What the hell is wrong with all of you?

Cleo, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with um, seven espresso shots.
Jack, in line behind them: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine.

Apo: I just wanted to say that over the years, I have come to regard you as… people I met.

*playing twister*
Cleo: Right hand red.
Avid: *ends up on top of Scott*
Scott: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Cleo: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

Scott: Wow. I keep stepping on a lot of crunchy twigs.
Avid: Those are bones, Scott.
Scott: *looks straight up* Not if I never look down.

Apo: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck.

Cleo: *spins around in chair ominously* I’ve been expecting y- *chair continues to spin* shit *tries to stop spinning* shit *tries to grab a table to stop spinning* sHIT *falls out of chair*

Chapter Text

Jack: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows.

Owen: You tricked me!
Scott: I deceived you. ‘Trick’ makes it sound like we have a friendly relationship.

Avid: Sorry I can’t be emotionally vulnerable with you it’d ruin the mystery.

Apo: What do you have?
Drift: A KNIFE!
Apo: NO!

Drift: But seriously, what is the real plan here that has to do with not fucking around?
Jack: There is no plan that does not involve fucking around. But we will make sure all of our fucking around will be applied in a constructive direction.

Scott: *looks over Shelby’s shoulder at their laptop* What the fuck?
Shelby: *slams screen shut* It’s just research! For something I’m writing about! I swear that’s it!
Scott: Why the hell would that involve the breeding habits of frogs?
Shelby: It’s not just “frogs”, it’s the Surinam Toad. And it’s not “breeding habits”, it’s how they raise their young. This is important information my audience needs to know!
Scott: That doesn’t change the fact this is for one line in a fanfiction.
Shelby, offendedly: You don’t know that!
Scott: I hear no denial.

*While planning to break in somewhere*
Scott: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"
Owen: What?
Scott: "Get Help."
Owen: No.
Scott: C'mon, you love it!
Owen: I hate it.
Scott: It's great! It works every time!
Owen: It's humiliating.
Scott: Do you have a better plan?
Owen: No.
Scott: We're doing it!
Owen: We are not doing "Get Help!"
*A Minute Later*
Scott, carrying Owen: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! *throws Owen at guards, knocking them out*
Scott: Ahh, classic!
Owen: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.
Scott, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

Scott: Guess what number I’m thinking of.
Cleo: 420?
Scott: No, that’s really immature of you. Someone else guess, and please take this seriously.
Apo: 69.
Scott: Yeah it was 69.

Owen, ordering coffee: I’d like a light roast.
Drift: You're kinda ugly.

Drift, ordering Starbucks: Hey, I just got my heart broken, what do you recommend?
Cleo, who’s running the drive thru: …
Cleo: Tequila.

Scott: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at poor people" and I think that's very sexy of us.
Drift: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.

Avid: BWWAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, you hear that? That's the wrong opinion alarm.
Apo: That is not something you actually have installed.
Avid: Sorry, say again? I couldn't hear you over my alarm that YOU SET OFF with your WRONG-ASS OPINION.

Jack: I let my cat drink the bathtub water while I was in it.
Priest: Once again, kind of weird, but not a sin.

Scott: All right, Jack, that’s it, you’re grounded! I found a rap album hiding under your bed and it was the clean version. I didn’t raise you to be such a nerd!
Jack: I’m not even your kid-

Drift: I have seen a lot of murders in my time, and all six of them were today.

Jack: Question, how difficult would it be to bowl in a bee suit?
Cleo: Not that hard, I don't think, as long as you can move.
Drift: I'd assume as hard as it is to bowl in a maid outfit.
Drift: Wouldn't be any harder, but you'd get some WEIRD looks.
Avid: Are. Are you speaking from experience.
Drift: No!
Drift:
Drift: ....Maybe.

Chapter Text

Avid: That was so hot, Scott.
Scott: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.
Avid: I'm so in love with you.

Scott: So I’m the only one around here who can clean up, huh? You can't even lift a finger?
Cleo: Do I get to pick the finger?

Jack: Think you can unlock the door for us?
Scott: Sure, I just need a couple of things. Owen, can I have your credit card?
Owen: Sure, just make sure not to bend it.
Scott: Thanks. Now Avid, break down the door!
Owen: Huh!?!

Cleo: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm.

Owen: Y'know, I once knew a man who said to me: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He also had a pair of sideburns that would cause even Jude Law’s face to weep in forfeit. You put those lemons in a sack and beat your enemies with ‘em! And maybe if you beat ‘em hard enough the bag will split open and lemon juice will spray into their eyes, causing intense burning pains as you crush them into a citrus-y pulp!
Shelby: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Their heads or the lemons?
Owen: Whatever caves first!

Jack: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*
Drift: Jack, what did you think a tiger shark was?

Avid: What's worse than a heartbreak?
Shelby: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you're sorry.

Apo: I don't know, it's not my cup of tea.
Drift: Well then whose is it?
Apo, staring at a cup of tea: I don't know!

Cleo: *shatters a window and climbs through it*
Cleo: *turns around and helps Drift through it* Breaking and entering is wrong Drift.
Drift: Okay.

Jack: Two truths and a lie, I’ll start!
Jack: I’ve killed a man, I will kill again, and it burns when I pee.
Apo, visibly nervous: I don’t- I don’t like this game.

Owen: You know what?
Owen: When I join this coven I thought you guys would be dealing with my bullshit.
*Apo, Jack and Shelby continue screaming about mold water*
Owen: Not the other way around.
Scott: I dunno, sounds like you need to drink the mold water.

Shelby: I can’t believe my birth certificate says F...
Shelby: ...How did I fail being born?

Cleo: Alright, which one of us is gonna check outside?
Drift: Not it!
Avid: Not it!
Cleo: ...Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be.

Jack: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?
Cleo: Take them!
Shelby: Punch them in the neck!
Owen: Say thank you!
Apo: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!
Jack: …
Jack: No.

Apo: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.
Drift: You mean you stabbed them?
Apo: They ran into my knife.

Chapter Text

Shelby: You know, on second thought, Gum would be perfection.
Owen: *Gives them a strange look and hands them a piece of gum*
Shelby: *Thinking* Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

Cleo: Don't quote me on this, but I believe murder is illegal!

Apo: How did you break your leg?
Drift: Do you see those porch stairs?
Apo: Yes.
Drift: I didn't.

Avid: *heading out to see Scott*
Cleo: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
Avid: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Avid, texting: Cleo, will you please go to sleep?
Cleo, texting back: What makes you think you didn’t just wake me up?
Avid, yelling: I CAN HEAR YOU CLAPPING TO THE FRIENDS THEME EVERY TWENTY MINUTES SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!
Avid, texting: Just a hunch :) You goin’ to sleep soon?
Cleo, texting: I’m trying
Avid, yelling again: TRY HARDER I HAVE A 5:45 AM MEETING TOMORROW BITCH
Avid, texting: Okay, don’t stay up too late or you’ll be cranky :)

Scott: sSSSHIT- I BURNT MY LIP-
Owen: ...Why the fuck would you even drink coffee with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE??
Scott: BECAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE PLASTIC ONES!

Scott: If you ever feel stupid or weak or powerless, just remember that I am not. I am out there, very dangerous, and I am looking for you. Good luck.

Scott: Anything else?
Cleo: Yeah. Stay away from me!
Scott: Alright. See you in the castle we share.

Shelby: Cleo, you’ve tried 37 times and you’ve failed every time. Give it a break.
Cleo: DO I HEAR “FIRST TRY PART 38?”

Apo: We either die free, or die trying!
Shelby: Are those the only choices?

Cleo: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to fear how much they love me.

Shelby: Cleo is at that very special age where a kid only has one thing on their mind.
Avid: Boys or Girls?
Cleo: Homicide.

Jack, skipping rocks on a lake with Avid: It’s such a beautiful dusk.
Avid: Yeah, it is.
Avid: *whispering* Take that you fucking lake.

Drift: It’s Pride Month, you know what that means!
Scott: I get to eat as many Skittles as I want?
Drift: What? No! What has Avid been telling you?
Avid, walking in, pouring Skittles into their mouth: Taste the rainbow, bitch.

Jack, upon learning how Cleo did a magic trick: So you’re not magic?
Cleo: Well, not really.
Jack: You’re just a liar.

Jack: I'm having problems with a guy...
Cleo: Like his dead body won't fit into your trunk kind of problems, or you like him kind of problems?

Jack: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Apo. They're mad at you.
Apo: No, it's Shelby. They're just being gramatically correct!
*meanwhile*
Shelby: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them.
Scott: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.
Shelby: I stand by my choice.

Shelby: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees?
Apo: Bees?
Shelby: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!
Apo: Wait-
*Owen approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly*

*The coven is playing Chess*
Scott: *easily beats everyone because they know how to play*
Cleo: *doesn’t know the rules, but wins anyway*
Jack: *doesn’t know the rules, and loses*
Drift: *knows the rules, but still loses to those who don’t*
Owen: Actually, you can’t do that, because I said so.
Shelby: They named a board game after cheese?

Owen: I’m having salad for dinner!
Avid:
Owen: Well, fruit salad.
Owen: Actually, it’s mostly grapes.
Avid:
Owen: Okay, it’s all grapes.
Owen: Fermented grapes.
Avid:
Owen:
Avid:
Owen: It’s wine.
Owen: I’m having wine for dinner.