Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

After a millennia of unrest, never being able to find tranquility, Luo Bingzu was a tide without a shore, rolling through life with no means to an end. A being destined to be so great, so dazzling, he would never be able to find a light of his own to admire. People often lament over how lonely it must be to be surrounded by darkness, but if your light is so great that no other lights can be seen, isn’t that also a form of darkness? Luo Bingzu thought so.

Thus a millennia passed making him feel only emptiness inside his heart even though his palm held the entire universe, overwhelmingly full. Then as if unable to take it anymore he fragmented at the very end of it all, seeking only to create a better way forward and possibly find a peace he never knew. The System that guided the new souls had no conscience. Simply working to save what was not saved within itself.

Shen Yuan and Luo Bingmei were one at last. And Bingzu could only sigh in relief.

The universe seemingly collapsed in on itself with that single breath.

The end. It was finally over. He could rest easy now knowing it was possible for him to find peace...

Except two things shockingly remained in the otherwise empty universe. A blinking blue screen…

And one lone soul.

The soul remained still, unmoving and wholly void of light. A black dead heart in the epicenter of the universe, easy to forget… easy to miss. Because without any light, it simply faded into the background. And without any cries for help, no one would hear it.

It was only noticed once everything else was gone.

The shock from seeing the soul seemed to bring a little consciousness back to the system. Everyone had their happy ending! Who dared to stay behind?!

But the soul it met in that sea of darkness that stretched endlessly in all directions-

Was Shen Jiu.

Stunned despite not having a physical body, the system recoiled, glitched and morphed into a shadow of the man it used to be, breathless and shaky.

“Why are you still here?”

“…”

“I told you to go. I told you to go centuries ago!”

“...”

“Why didn't you listen?!”

Two tired eyes holding the entire starless universe peered back at the shadowy figure, and even without any light between them to give shape to their figures, Shen Jiu would recognize that presence anywhere. Not a trace of the sarcasm or wit that used to line his lips when alive, only a hint of dryness lined his voice. “When was I allowed to go?”

Bingzu was miffed. “What do you mean?” Sometime after the trial- a long time if he were being honest, there came a time where Shen Jiu died due to qi deviation and being the obsessive fool he was, Bingzu kept Shen Jiu’s soul hostage. It was… hard to let go of for some reason. It wasn’t until he realized how cruel he was being to his shizun that he finally freed Shen Jiu with the expectation of him reincarnating. Something must have gone horribly wrong along the way.

“I died… then part of my soul shattered, flew off to reincarnate and had its happy ending.”

The entity remained silent while listening.

“But the part of me here, was trapped for all of eternity... My life repeated over and over.”

“What-”

“And after I died again, life repeated again-”

“Enough.”

He already knew what Shen Jiu was trying to say.

It just… seemed so absurd? Instead of fully leaving, or reincarnating, part of Shen Jiu had been stuck in a rebirth cycle in the worlds he created?

In the process of self saving, Shen Jiu was actively getting torn to pieces by it.

Continuously pulled into each world that was made by the system- forced to relive the same childhood traumas, same dark days as ‘shizun’ and same untimely death, only having to know in a brief fleeting moment that someone else would swoop in last minute to take his spot.

As if he were just warming the flesh and bones for someone else.

Setting up the plot for each world, withstanding the worst of the traumas, then giving a nice cushiony entry point for someone else to slip in to find happiness while kicking him back out into the dark. A vicious cycle capable of shattering just about any other soul.

But not Shen Jiu’s.

Someone who wordlessly endured the pains of the universe without complaints for a millennia.

And from the heavy exhaustion in that soul, Luo Bingzu knew- Shen Jiu remembered every lifetime but was powerless to change anything, mentally conscious beneath it all. A doll playing a dreadful role.

Who would not break?

“I just want to die. Bingzu.”

Those bottomless eyes didn’t even have the energy to glare, “I hate you. You hate me. We both know it. I’ve endured your hatred over many timelines… your only dream is and always was to get rid of the real me and replace me- in every single one of them. I know it well. And you do too, you who suffered under me, your shizun… and me being the wall you had to overcome. I played my role of villain well, didn’t I? So give me my death. I’m not fighting it. When have I ever resisted death by your hands? Did I struggle during the trial? Defend myself or push at the guards? Did I run or escape the prison? Did I ever do anything to stop you from killing me? It will be easy, I promise. All you have to do is do it.”

There was a brief pause.

“Let me die here, and shatter to pieces. In all my centuries of misery, forced to suffer under you multiple times, forced to relive the same traumas of my past multiple times, all I ask is for it to end. Have I not suffered enough? Is this not enough? You found your peace, didn’t you? So let me have mine. Please Bingzu… I ask for your mercy. In the shred of contempt you have for me, I beg for an ending too. I don’t need happiness. I don’t need to reincarnate. I just need to die. Could you grant me that? Can you let me go?” Each sentence came a little quicker than the last, a little more desperate- as if afraid he wouldn’t be heard if he didn’t say it all right now.

Bingzu only sounded broken in return, “Were you… really in every timeline?”

“Who else could you possibly hate enough to require being saved from in every world if not for me? Where else… could I even go?” Shen Jiu was bitter but his words were airy, as if detached. The traces of agony were heavily masked behind years of acting, “I know what you’re capable of, ‘Ancestor’ Luo Binghe.”

“…”

“I’ve seen you spin time, create worlds, and bend reality. If you want to do something, you can do it.”

“…”

“Surely… somewhere in all your power and depth of mind, you can find the heart to put me to rest at the end of it all. Save me from this cycle, Bingzu. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot do it alone. Please…” There was a trace of tears trembling along his voice- something so faint it was nearly missed, “Save me…”

“…”

After a silence that seemed to last several decades, Luo Bingzu’s soul fragment extended a gentle upturned palm towards him. There wasn’t a trace of deception in his words, only a delicate breeze that soothed Shen Jiu’s soul, “If you take my hand, I’ll save you, Shen Jiu. But you must first take my hand. You have to be the one to bridge this gap. You have to put your life in my hand, and give it to me. Relinquish it willingly. Then and only then… will I save you.”

What a noble way of putting it. Death was in fact, a form of saving for Shen Jiu.

The weary soul almost wanted to laugh.

Tired, depressed and feeling neglected after a millennia, Shen Jiu didn’t even consider weighing the weight of the words ‘I’ll save you’ as anything other than a generic response born of pity. It was just killing his soul after all. Dissolving his existence into nothingness with a quick burst of limitless power. Shen Jiu took the hand that was never gentle towards him in the past, and gently in a way he never was either-

Gently, VERY gently…

EXTREMELY gently.

Held it.

Soft, featherlight, delicate, as if afraid to fall apart.

Two broken hands, mending the fabric of time together in one final meeting, defying their previous fates with a connection of softness rather than hatred. Coming together as one to meet the jaws of eternal death together.

A first greeting; a final goodbye.

Those two palms collided in the center of the universe, creating powerful invisible shockwaves that neither of them seemed to notice… each wave pulsed outwards in all directions.

Every fiber of Shen Jiu was hoping to shatter to pieces and cease to exist in the palm of that hand.

Death would come soon. Sweet death. He wouldn’t have to worry about darkness anymore. Or playing a role he didn’t want to play. Or reliving his traumas. Or dying another pointless death. It would just be over. Like a candle pitifully extinguishing under the sweet kiss of the midnight breeze.

Gone. Everything would be gone.

Truthfully part of him deep down wanted to live, he was human after all. But each time he even began to THINK of living, it felt like needles would weave into his heart and bleed out of his eyes. The words ‘i want to live’ hurt too much to say. He was too tired. He was too broken. A shattered vase could be pieced back together with enough time and care if someone were meticulous and stubborn enough. A crushed vase on the other hand… would take a millennia to fix. It wasn’t worth it. Some things were past the point of repairing and were better to be thrown out and replaced.

Like Shen Jiu.

He already resigned to that fate, and already saw it with Shen Yuan succeeding him.

Now it was finally time to close his eyes for good.

No matter what he felt deep inside, or what he secretly wished for… death was his salvation and he graciously bowed his head to his grim reaper Luo Bingzu, feeling only gratitude for the man’s mercy.

The shizun kneeling before the disciple for the first time.

He began to shake as that warm fragmented soul held onto him silently and firmly. Then began to cry.

He would never have to feel again. This warmth would be the last thing he’d ever feel. There was something beautiful about that.

“I’m sorry.”

They both said at the same time.

And then everything snapped in half. The light, the dark, the universe and the two connected hands- that rippling shockwave that erupted from their palms burst like a supernova and rebounded back onto the two of them. And with that, the system finally put itself to rest.

The story was over.

Right?

….

—

Somewhere in the darkness was a bell. A gentle chime. Something akin to a glimmer of light luring Shen Jiu’s mind back to consciousness. Slowly, gently, warmly… pulling him into a warm embrace. The warmth from the hand that held him before was now spreading to each limb, tingling sweetly like an embrace from the sun. How bittersweet. The first embrace Shen Jiu would receive in his centuries of suffering was death.

Wait no that’s not right? Death shouldn’t be warm.

Another bell.

This time it twisted and distorted until it manifested as the distant gentle clanging of metal accessories, similar to fine chains or beads. Perhaps the shackles of the underworld. Wait no that didn’t make sense either. If his soul were shattered, he’d experience nothingness. If not dead, then… What was happening? Did Luo Bingzu trick him and throw him into another world instead?

This time the bell was clear- definitely the rustle of jewelry on clothing. It was close by, somewhere near his head, as if someone were sitting next to his bed. The thought made his skin crawl.

If he were alive, who would keep him company?

Nobody liked him. The only ones who maybe did were dead.

And if he were alive, just what the hell timeline was this? He didn’t recognize this scenario.

Soft bedsheets cradled him on all sides, making it extremely hard to wake up. His body felt cold from head to toe, shivering involuntarily once in a while. It was so unsettling. As if sensing his distress, a large- obscenely large hand caressed his forehead, sending waves of warmed energy through his body.

The shivers ceased at once.

Then the hand retracted, leaving only warmth behind.

There really was someone next to him. The fact they touched him sent waves of disgust down his spine. That was definitely a man’s hand and after several lifetimes of reliving Qiu Jianlou’s hell, Shen Jiu was repulsed by the mere idea of being near other men. He had to wake up… had to. Quickly.

It didn’t matter who was on the other side of that hand.

He would attack it. He would teach it not to touch him without permission.

And yet… he couldn’t move. Hours seemed to pass. On the other side of his eyelids he could feel the world shift from morning to afternoon, to night, to morning again. The person patiently waited without moving the entire time, for literal weeks, only occasionally pulling a fallen flower petal from his face, injecting warmth through a soft touch, or adjusting his loosely fallen hair so that it wouldn’t tickle his eyes.

Who are you?

Why are you caring for someone like me?

He wanted to ask but his body remained frozen.

The other person never spoke.

After several painstakingly long days, strength returned to his fingertips allowing him to discreetly flex them under the covers, trying to get a grasp on things. He was extremely weak. Even his breathing and heart felt shallow, like a tide that went out- barely lapping at the shores of life. As if any second he would be extinguished.

Each day felt like a struggle to survive.

It wasn’t Shen Jiu’s first grapple with life. If anything, struggling was the only way he knew how to live. When he was wrestling for garbage as a kid, struggling in the winter shed after being beaten half to death by Jianlou, thrown into a demon's nest by Wu Yanzi, or suffering the aftermath of the trial… Or having his soul ripped from his body. Qi deviations, weak constitution, or underdeveloped core.

Life had never been easy on him and death only ever evaded him.

Another week passed and the being next to him still didn’t budge. Part of him was growing increasingly scared. Demons, humans, anyone- no one would be able to sit around for days without moving, caring for someone like Shen Jiu- they’d need to bathe, sleep, eat, anything. Whatever creature was next to him wasn’t normal.

It defied all laws of the universe.

There was only one person Shen Jiu knew that was capable of that.

Luo Bingzu- the ancestor of the entire universe, peak cultivator turned demonic god, ascended past the heavens and hells, capable of being the universe itself.

Nah.

There was no way. It must be a figment of his imagination.

And yet-

A dangerously clawed hand once more caressed his face, pulsing tingles and heat through his bones, careful not to agitate him. Going slow, penetrating deep.

It felt like submerging inside a bath after centuries of shivering in the cold.

He couldn’t help it.

A soft moan slipped from his lips.

The hand mid-touch on his forehead stiffened then recoiled.

If Shen Jiu didn’t already feel dead, then he would have died of embarrassment on the spot right then and there. He hated people seeing a vulnerable side of him.

The gentle melody of metal jingling grew louder and a shadow blocked out the light on his face, getting exceedingly close, too close. Someone was leaning over him. Whether it was intense fear or sheer adrenaline, Shen Jiu found himself gritting his teeth, forcing himself to speak, “Fuck… off.”

“...”

A devilish, low chuckle was the only response he got. The shadow surprisingly backed away after that.

At first Shen Jiu was worried it would create a ripple effect of the person pestering him to wake up or constantly check on him but nothing ever happened. He was genuinely left alone.

At least for two days.

By then he finally had the strength to open his eyes, jaw tense and brows furrowed, wanting to quickly regain control of the situation. What he wasn’t expecting though, was how blurry his vision was. Everything was a messy smudge, blending together, unable to tell up from down, left from right.

He was… blind.

The fear was enough to jump start his body, bolting upright in bed as he clutched his face. The figure next to him didn’t react, only observed, gently putting down the scroll he had been reading.

An entire stick of incense burned as Shen Jiu quietly hyperventilated on the bed, hunched over, fiercely rubbing at his eyes. Nothing helped. Nothing worked. Everything was a mess. If it weren’t for the being next to him, he’d have started crying.

But he wouldn’t lose face in front of someone else.

The entity said nothing.

And surprisingly another whole day passed with neither of them moving.

And then-

Pain.

Searing pain erupted from his chest, bubbling upwards to his throat- his body probably trying to expel some sort of toxic waste. But he didn’t cough. He didn’t puke. He only tensed, wishing, begging, praying the person next to him would just leave him alone so he could relieve himself in privacy. The last thing he wanted was to be seen in a more pitiful state.

The other man had different plans though.

One unexpected thump against his back and Shen Jiu unwillingly half coughed, half vomited a dark blackish red fluid, choking fiercely as shockwaves of an unknown illness ripped through him. “Fuck- cough cough- OFF!” He had tried to catch most of it in his hands, embarrassed to the point tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, but it was too much and it dripped onto the bedsheets below. Only once he stopped coughing did the entity slowly approach, gently yet firmly grabbing his sleeve, guiding him to the edge of the bed to get up.

Naturally the man was met with stubborn resistance and a teary voice, “Leave. Me. Alone.”

The entity ignored his command and tugged harder, literally dragging Shen Jiu by the sleeve to the edge until he weakly toppled off the bed with an undignified stifled choke of surprise. Before he could hit the floor, the being caught him and placed him on the floor, sealing him in a small rounded barrier.

A concealment barrier? Even through his blurry vision, Shen Jiu could tell what it was based on the unique energy ripples which only flowed outwards. Anything inside would be invisible and inaudible to the rest of the world but whatever was inside would be able to see out of it. Why did the man put him in one?

“My lord, may we enter?” A delicate female voice chimed on the other side of the door. There was no response but some sort of permission must have been granted as several people entered the room, promptly and wordlessly cleaning the mess of blood on the bed.

It didn't soothe Shen Jiu’s nerves at all.

In fact, the whole situation made him increasingly desperate to die. Death was less humiliating than whatever the hell this was.

Wait…. Maybe he could use the barrier to his advantage and quickly kill himself before the other man noticed? It was worth a shot anyway. Except, as he fidgeted, trying to find a weapon in his silky white bed robes, he found nothing. The only form of weapon he had was his hands and nails..

Well. That was good enough.

After a few efficient minutes, the crowd left the room and the entity dropped the barrier, only to flinch in surprise at the horrible disaster below the barrier- Shen Jiu was mid way trying to claw through his own throat. Two heavy footsteps crossed the room as the being roughly snagged Shen Jiu’s wrists, pulling him to his feet with enough force that both wrists dislocated, whether intentional or unintentional, causing Shen Jiu’s eyes to roll back in wordless pain. He could tell the being holding him up by his injured wrists was shaking, staring at his bleeding throat with partially split lips. It almost cracked a smile on Shen Jiu’s face. This wasn’t even one tenth of the pain he’s endured in life and it was already enough to freak out his captor. He could abuse that information.

“Unhand me.” He managed to master up the strength to say, voice hoarse from how badly mutilated his throat was. The being shuddered one time before gently guiding him to sit back down on the edge of the bed.

THUMP

Eh.. what?

The entity attacked his pressure points, freezing him stiff, no longer able to move.

A restriction spell??

The being knelt in front of him, murmuring too quietly for Shen Jiu to hear. Then some sort of red liquid was pressed against his throat, making Shen Jiu involuntarily whimper. It hurt worse than inflicting the wound did! What kind of medicine was it? The hand applying it to his throat winced when he made a noise but persisted until done- and within seconds the wound closed. Then with all the gentleness in the world, the being began wiping his hands, mouth, chest and wrists clean with a warm cloth- from who knows where- probably left behind by the maids earlier.

“E-noug-h.” He choked out, surprising the entity. Talking while under the restriction spell was incredibly hard to do... and extremely painful.

The being, however, did not respect his wishes and much to Shen Jiu’s dismay, pulled him to his feet and- and…

AND??!?

Stripped him!?

Then redressed him in clean robes???

Then escorted his rigid body back onto the bed, positioning him to sit upright against the headboard. Only then did the spell lift, allowing Shen Jiu to glare viciously. “I’ll fucking kill you.” Shen Jiu said with a dry undertone, turning his head in the perceived direction of the offender, slowly raising his wrists up, “Fix them. You dislocated them.”

The being obediently inched forward, gently popping his wrists back in place. Despite his blurry vision, he could tell the other person was incredibly sheepish and almost ashamed during the process- probably feeling some form of guilt.

And for the first time since waking, Shen Jiu heard the entity speak. It was almost hypnotic how soft and melodic it was- deep and low, powerful yet comforting. He recognized that voice. One that haunted his dreams. It was the voice that belonged to none other than the start and end of his universe: Luo Bingzu, the original- the ancestor of his suffering.

“I’m sorry, shizun.”

Chapter Text

Sorry?

Shizun?

Words he had heard too many times to care.

“Yeah, I’m sure you are. You may leave.” He roughly flicked his hands once the bones were re-set, as if shaking off the filth from their brief contact. The tension in the air was high, trembling between them with small spurts of electric energy. Even without the use of his eyesight, Shen Jiu knew Luo Bingzu was hovering hesitantly by his bedside. There seemed to be something the other male wanted to say, lingering and wavering at the edge, too anxious to say anything but too stubborn to leave. Thus there was a deadlock between them, amplifying the pressure.

When there was no movement for a painfully long time, he tucked his hands into his sleeves and ground his teeth together, something he did to combat awkward scenarios. It would be an understatement to say he felt uncomfortable. “What are you still doing here? If you have nothing to say, then get out. You being here only makes me feel worse.”

“...”

Having no sight amplified his hearing allowing him to visualize the younger male’s movements through sound alone. One step. Two steps. Three- and a soft thump? Luo Bingzu sat down on the stool. The soft rustle of a scroll indicated Luo Bingzu went back to reading, ignoring him. If it weren’t for the fact he was gritting his teeth, Shen Jiu might have cursed at him. “Since when were you so rebellious? You keep ignoring me and not responding. Calling me shizun, but disrespecting me at every turn. Don’t bother calling me your shizun anymore. You clearly don’t see me as such.”

There was only a brief pause as Shen Jiu turned his blank eyes in the direction he assumed the younger male to be, predicting it fairly accurately, only offset by a few degrees, “All those years beating you were for nothing. You still can’t do anything right. You don’t listen. You don’t talk. You don’t obey. What point was there for me being your shizun?”

Some might say he was playing with fire. Well yes. He was. If he could invoke the man’s wrath or desire for revenge, maybe he could incur his impending death sooner. Poison coated words slipped free from his pale, sickly lips, “I know it’s you, Luo Bingzu. I know you’re the original. I know this is the original timeline. What year is it, hm? How long has it been since I died? How long did you leave me to rot in that prison before I decayed? How long did it take for you to get bored having nothing to vent your anger against?” There was a curt laugh, void of any emotion, “You couldn’t even keep me dead. Do you hate me that much?”

The unexpected clatter of the wooden scroll hitting the floor and the sudden brush of a warm palm against his cheek had Shen Jiu flinching, not expecting the gentle gesture as Luo Bingzu surged close to him, voice heavy and low, “Shizun.”

Time seemed to stop with that single word.

“You’re crying.”

What?

“What are you-”

But sure enough, the soft ripple of a tear cascading from his eye cut him off, each word that wanted to follow getting caught in his throat as Luo Bingzu deftly swept his thumb to catch it. The simple gesture blanched his mind, unsure of how to respond as the younger male murmured too close to his face, “Shizun, I-”.

Stop. Don’t say it again.

He didn’t want to hear another apology.

Using body heat for guidance, Shen Jiu slapped Luo Bingzu across the face, meeting no resistance, “Don’t touch me! How dare you?!” His voice was shaky, involuntarily recalling Qiu Jianlou’s wandering hands from the multiple timelines he lived through, “Disrespect me one more time and I’ll remind you where your hatred started! Do you think I care for your apologies? Drop the niceties. We’re far past that.”

The warm hand on his cheek slowly retracted, very slowly, incredibly slow- as if reluctant to leave.

Then once again:

“I’m sorry, shizun.”

…

Sigh.

Gulping the lump in his throat, Shen Jiu tucked his arms across his chest one more time, sharply angling his face in the opposite direction. If he weren’t in the process of recovering from a strange illness, he would have left the bed altogether and exited on his own. For now he was a prisoner, only left with the option of trying to drive the younger male away.

“I don’t want to hear it. Just leave.”

After a heavy silence, Luo Bingzu finally began to move again.

There was some shuffling as the man retrieved the scroll once more, returning to the stool.

Then there was a thick silence between them, boosting every single sound until it felt deafening. The headache he felt earlier from whatever illness he had intensified dramatically in the silence. Birds in the distance from a nearby open window pierced into Shen Jiu’s skull, the ruffling bed canopy in the breeze sounded like a raging waterfall, a wind chime somewhere several courtyards away felt like icicles splitting against his head, and the soft occasional jangle of metal from Luo Bingzu’s attire felt like the chains of hell. The intensity had him burying his ears in his palms, trying to breathe through the pain.

“...”

Luo Binzu began to move, taking a few steps followed by a soft thump. The window was closed.

All the sounds came to a sudden stop. There was a gentle hum emanating around the room… causing Shen Jiu’s hands to lower, head tilting to the side as he listened. A sound dampening barrier was set up? What for? Were the noises bothering Luo Bingzu too or did the man do it for him-…

No.

Luo Bingzu would not care about his comfort.

There had to be an ulterior motive to everything he was doing. But what was it?

After mulling through the various possibilities, he could come up with nothing and therefore decided to drop it altogether. Who knew what went through Luo Bingzu’s mind? It wasn’t worth thinking about.

Time slugged by, several hours to be exact, and each of his senses seemed to be recovering more and more- all except his eyesight. The blurriness burned his retinas uncomfortably, leaving him frantic and desperate, aggressively rubbing at his eyes until they were red and teary. This seemed to aggravate Luo Bingzu who shuffled closer, murmuring a delicate ‘shizun’ towards him, even daring to place a gentle hand on Shen Jiu’s arm.

Before Shen Jiu could retaliate, his stomach growled LOUD, echoing through the tense atmosphere.

…

Shen Jiu bowed his head with pinkish ears, focusing instead on regulating his breathing and ignoring how humiliated he felt. “Say anything and I will kill you.”

Another stomach growl.

…

“...”

Thankfully Luo Bingzu didn’t say anything. Nor did he even laugh. Probably the first time he obeyed since their reunion in that cold unfamiliar room.

Thinking back to it… just where was he really? This was clearly the original timeline but at what point? Which building was this? What was Bingzu’s status? The fact Luo Bingzu’s voice was rough yet robust, it was clear he was no longer a little boy. This was definitely in a time after the trial, long after his death, perhaps even centuries later. For what reason did Luo Bingzu have for reviving him then keeping him company for weeks? Even so much as calling him shizun again.

Wait.

A chill rushed down his spine.

After the various timelines concluded.. Was Luo Bingzu feeling sentimental? Did he think the replacement Shen Qingqiu’s he summoned and grew attached to were anything like him and was now clinging to him? Nah… but… if not that, then what else? What reason did Luo Bingzu have to summon him back?

The tranquil silence broke as a knock fell upon the door.

Tensing up at the thought of someone seeing him in such a pitiful state, he went to immediately scramble to pull his robe tighter across his body, but the dull light of the room was quickly snuffed out. Luo Bingzu had untied the bed canopy and let the curtains fall shut, concealing him inside. His heart was beating rapidly, forced to rely on his hearing to figure out what was happening outside of it.

A hushed conversation commenced followed by the soft clatter of a wooden tray. Then the door closed. Whoever came had quickly left.

“Shizun. This will help you recover.” The curtains parted and a wooden tray was placed carefully on the side of the bed, respectfully allowing Shen Jiu to be the one to make the first move towards it

Stiff like a startled stray, Shen Jiu remained in a hunched posture with one knee close to his chest, eyeing the area he felt the wooden tray to be. There was something… offputting about the scent. Medicinal maybe. “What’s in it.” He prodded at the bed with his hand, trying to feel his way to the tray.

Luo Bingzu hesitated for a moment which didn’t go unnoticed by Shen Jiu, “Soup.”

“You really think I’m stupid?” Shen Jiu finally found the edge of the tray with the tips of his extended fingers, slowly feeling each utensil and bowl. The temperature was good. The utensils were wooden, intentionally dulled as if shaven down to have no sharp edges, and the scent was strong. It threw his stomach into knots, “What did you hide in it?”

There was a brief pause.

“What do you mean, shizun?”

Tch.

Shoving the tray a few inches closer to the edge of the bed, Shen Jiu drifted his blank gaze to the side, “None of those herbs are used for curing ailments but they’re all heavily scented. There’s something in the soup you don’t want me to notice. What is it?”

The sudden stillness of the shadow outside the canopy made him click his tongue. He was right. The only thing Shen Jiu knew was that it wasn’t poison. If Luo Bingzu wanted to kill him it would be as simple as tapping the side of his neck with enough force. Or the man could have just not revived him in the first place. The fact the soup was concealing something meant that it was something that Shen Jiu definitely wouldn’t like, but wasn’t necessarily bad for him.

Sneaky, sneaky, but not sneaky enough. Did Luo Bingzu think he was able to compete with a tactician?

An equally stubborn hand reached through the canopy and gently pushed the tray back towards Shen Jiu’s blanketed thigh, each word chosen carefully, “Shizun, it is to help you recover. You must eat.”

“I don’t want to recover.”

“...”

Another stalemate followed by another stomach growl, this time more intense- not having eaten for several days, maybe weeks. He had no idea how he hadn’t already starved to death? Just what strange tricks was Luo Bingzu using to keep him alive?

Another growl, this time hurting to the point he groaned and held his stomach, lurching forward. This made the other male grow increasingly impatient, his gentle voice being replaced by one that almost felt sinister. “Shizun, you must eat.” A small pause as the voice lightened, “If you eat, I’ll leave you alone for a day.”

Oh?

This perked Shen Jiu’s interest, both his cloudy black eyes sparkling at the prospect of being left alone for a while. That might not be a bad deal. If Luo Bingzu left, he could maybe find a way to die. The only barricade between him and potential death was a pungent overly aromatic bowl of soup. Not bad… It’s not like he was actually scared of what was in the soup. Whatever was awaiting him in that bowl would not even amount to a fraction of the filth he used to shove between his teeth when starving as a street beggar in his youth. Garbage, filth, bugs, leftovers… and in his lowest, a rat.

Stinky soup? Basically a feast in comparison.

His shaky pale hand and long slender fingers reached for the spoon, curling around it with care. He then tapped the spoon a bit awkwardly along the tray, trying to feel for the bowl. Then scooped up some of the liquid and raised it to his lips… but then a searing pain in his wrist from the previous dislocation made him wince and go slack, the spoon falling from his hands.

“...”

The spoon never landed. Luo Bingzu must have caught it. The trembling hands, reddened wrists and frail constitution didn’t slip past the younger male’s attentive overbearing gaze. There was a trace of guilt in his voice as he once more parroted himself, “Shizun… I’m sor-”

“Stop. I don’t care.” Shen Jiu sighed, extending his hand to the other male, “Give it back.”

“You cannot hold it properly, shizun. I’m afraid you won’t be able to eat.”

With a quick roll of his eyes, Shen Jiu nudged the tray away with his thigh and crossed his arms stubbornly, “Then I won’t eat.”

“That won’t do... I’ll feed you.”

“I’d rather die.”

“Three days.” Luo Bingzu words were calculative and assertive, the curtain of the bed being carefully tied back, “I’ll leave you alone for three days, Shen Jiu. If you eat, I’ll give you what you want.”

…

Tempting but Shen Jiu’s pride far surpassed every rational thought, “You-”

There was a jab against his abdomen making his eyes widen in shock. The restriction spell again?! Thankfully his head was left free allowing him to turn his gaze in the direction of the shadow that hung over him, “Bastard. What do you think you’re doing?”

“Shizun won’t eat. So this disciple… has to overstep some boundaries.” Maybe it was the hunger getting to Shen Jiu, but it really… REALLY sounded like there was an amused smile decorating Luo Bingzu’s words, “Forgive my transgressions, shizun. This disciple will accept any punishment after you’re done.”

Rage was too gentle of a word to describe the immense hatred in Shen Jiu’s bones at that moment, his whole body trembling, “You’re a fool if you think I won’t kill you.”

There was no response, only a light atmosphere as if Luo Bingzu was thoroughly enjoying himself. Perhaps after centuries Luo Bingzu finally realized pain and agony didn’t work on Shen Jiu… tampering with his pride was a far more effective method of torture.

Begrudgingly, Shen Jiu was thus forced to submit as Luo Bingzu lifted a spoon of soup to his mouth and with all the dignity in the world Shen Jiu complied. If he pretended Luo Bingzu was his slave, it was really not that hard to swallow.

Swallow?

Maybe it was.

The second that lukewarm liquid hit his tongue, he nearly wretched, only unable to due to the restriction spell that snaked across his meridians, like an internal rope, binding him in place. The soup was thin and salty, but had a weird burning aftertaste that seeped into his flesh. The pungent musk of something-… something very familiar was being heavily masked by sage, basil, thyme, turmeric, cinnamon, ginger and even lemon. It was the most foul mixture he had ever tasted. “Never mind killing you, I will kill your chef instead.” He said dryly, earning him a devious chuckle.

A soft fabric patted against the corner of his lip as Luo Bingzu tentatively dried the edge of his mouth, words light and airy, “Then I’m afraid shizun would still be killing me.”

?

His brows furrowed from where he sat, scowling in the other's general direction, “Are you implying you cooked that god awful soup? You haven’t left my side.”

“Why would I need to leave the room to cook some soup?”

“...”

“...”

“Did you… make a clone to cook soup for you?”

“Yes.”

The audacity almost made him laugh. Luo Bingzu the emperor of the universe uses his unlimited power to… make soup with a clone. The jokes wrote themselves. “Why not just get a servant to do so? Don’t you foul demons have lackeys to do your dirty work?” The animosity in his tone was clear. As a former slave, Shen Jiu couldn’t help but be bitter.

There was a shift as Luo Bingzu leaned closer, “Shizun, you are under my care right now. The only one you’re allowed to ingest things from is me.”

Huh.

Something about that felt ominous.

The rest of the meal went just as poorly with Shen Jiu nearly vomiting after every mouthful. The curiosity of WHAT Luo Bingzu was hiding from him in the liquid was eating him alive. And yet… After each mouthful, he realized he felt much better. It was actually incredible how healthy he felt. Maybe there really was just medicine inside it and Luo Bingzu was a terrible cook? Perhaps being a demon for so long dulled his senses to what a human's palette was like.

In ShenJiu’s youth, he recalled his former master Wu Yanzi who was a demonic cultivator slowly lost the ability to taste and began to ingest raw meat more and more with each passing year. The imagery made his stomach churn. “I really can’t eat anymore.”

“Mn, you did good, shizun.” Luo Bingzu sounded pleased.

“Spare me the condescending praise.” He scowled, “Now undo the spell and get out of my sight. You owe me three days.”

The spell was undone with a quick ‘snap’ of the man’s fingers. There was a bit of hesitancy as Luo Bingzu gathered up the dishes one by one, slowly making his way to the door, “Shizun… Don’t abuse this kindness. If you do anything out of line in my absence, just know I’ll be far less lenient in the future.”

Kindness? Since when was privacy a kindness not a right?

Out of line? Just who could he offend by himself in a room?

Less lenient? What was lenient about standing guard by his pillow all day! Anything less lenient would require them being fused together!

After those brief parting words the door closed with a soft click. And then another click.

…

Another click?

Appalled, Shen Jiu rushed out of bed and tumbled to the floor- his legs not accustomed to walking after sitting for so long. With some effort he managed to get to his feet, roughly shaking the door handle once he managed to find it.

It was locked.

Luo Bingzu really locked him in.

“Hah.” He laughed almost crazily, running a shaky hand through his soft tussled hair, “You bastard… you’re insane if you think you can lock me away for three days. Just you wait… tomorrow I’ll be out before you even notice.”

—

“Master.”

“My lord.”

“Ancestor.”

Droves of demons and humans alike bowed deep as he passed, long black hair flowing behind him as he walked further and further from Shen Jiu’s palace. Yes, palace. An entire palace. There were six arrays, ten formations, three curses and two hundred blood-puppets stationed around it, barring no one from entering… or more importantly exiting. Shen Jiu was a crafty fox. A simple door lock wouldn’t be enough to keep him tied down.. But the rest? Just what could he do to escape?

The jangle of multiple tassels, small silvery chains, and jewelry adorned his red and black robes, both eyes glimmering with unmeasurable power. Each item adorning him was a shackle restricting his powers, preventing catastrophic destruction from simple movements of his hands and legs. Too much power for the mortal realm. Precautions needed to be taken.

As he stalked through the corridor, the bustling of the empire grew quieter and quieter, each candle on the wall self extinguishing as he passed until he reached his office, a lone dreary stone room far underground. Far away from any light. The entity sat at the chair behind the desk and rested his chin in his palm, using his free hand to tap idly along the wood.

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

His mind wandered through the dreary corridors, past all the demons and humans mingling above, passed the lanterns and bustling pavilions, all the way through Shen Jiu’s wing to the place where Shen Jiu rested.

There was a dull skip to his dead heart beat.

Tap

Tap.

Tap.

His nail tapped calmly against the desk matching She Jiu’s heart beat, his eyes closing with a gentle sigh.

It was like that, from a distance, he carefully monitored Shen Jiu, shrouded in darkness as Shen Jiu on the other side of the manor had lit three more candles.

Because while Shen Jiu finally got his freedom after days of begging, Shen Jiu couldn’t help but feel uneasy as nighttime rolled in. Each shadow paired with the blurriness of his eyes, made everything feel darker. One more candle wouldn't hurt… Right? He used a match he found on the nightstand to light candle after candle, more and more, until his room seemed to be ablaze like the sun. And with the promised privacy, he sat in the middle of it all on the floor with his knees drawn to his chest.

The shadows danced around him, lapping at the edges of his white robes, tugging at the edges of his hair which draped down his back like a veil, each shadow taunting him. It was always in the darkness he remembered the darkness most.

The cries of people he killed under Wu Yanzi’s hands. The hands Qiu Jianlou used to rob him of his dignity. The rats and bugs that nibbled at the hems of his raggedy clothes in the streets. The disdainful looks he received the entirety of his life. The fingers pointing at him with scornful cries. The trial filled with wails of people wishing he were dead.

I hear you. I hear you.

He thought to himself, nuzzling his face to his knees.

But could you not be so loud?

The people in his life wanted him dead. The system wanted to replace him. And he wanted to disappear.

And yet… he was still there. Against everyone’s wishes, he was alive. A stain on everyone’s life. A darkness. A shadow.

Shen Jiu shakily lit another match, holding it in front of him, eyeing it through the blurriness, as if in a trance. The brightness made things feel clearer. The light chased away the dark. The ferocity of the flame seemed to eat at his anxieties and soothe the coldest depths of his heart. It was in that light he hoped he could one day die.

He had no idea that beyond this moment of weakness, surrounded by fire and light, was Luo Bingzu who tracked his heartbeat on the opposite side of the castle domain, swallowed in total darkness.

Chapter Text

TW: Suicidal thoughts/attempt

When the sun began to rise, the candles began to set, hot wax seeping across the floor in a complex network around Shen Jiu who remained seated the entire night, barely getting any rest.

Any time his eyes shut, he’d feel the breath of Qiu Jianlou sneaking across his nape, the touch of a whip on his back, the scratch of rats along his feet, or the scorn of disgust from fellow cultivators across his skin. Several lifetimes worth of repetition, finally free, yet forever trapped in those dark memories. Even though he was taken out of the cycle, the cycle was not taken out of him. He still had to endure the trauma even if he no longer needed to experience it directly and after so many repetitions, he couldn’t shake the shadows off his skin.

The body nor mind could forget.

Each limb felt stiff, groaning as they extended in front of him in a cat-like stretch. Would this count as day one of the freedom granted to him by Luo Bingzu? Or maybe day two already? With how fickle Luo Bingzu could be, he wouldn’t be surprised if the man went back on his word at any second and barged through the door. Thus despite the bags under his eyes, the mess of his hair, or the lopsided robes, Shen Jiu was determined to make a grand escape today.

But how?

Crawling forward a few feet, Shen Jiu felt around the tiles until he found the edge of the bed, using it to prop himself up from the floor.

To break out of the room, he’d need something sharp and narrow to pick the lock on the door. If this were his old room on Qing Jing Peak, he’d have several appropriately sized hair accessories, fans or even just loose nails from the walls to peruse through… but the more Shen Jiu searched the room, the more doomed he felt.

There was nothing sharp.

Did… Luo Bingzu baby proof the room? Every edge was sanded down. Glues and pastes were used instead of bolts or staples. There wasn’t a single weapon, sturdy rope or shard of glass to be seen. Everything was soft wood, rug, or was blanketed by drapes. The windows were also barred.

This caused his eye to twitch.

It would seem he underestimated Luo Bingzu’s foresight. Alright, fine. Want to play it that way? Then we will play it that way.

A little challenge never scared Shen Jiu.

“Luo Bingzu, are you watching? I’m going to leave now.” He called out softly from where he leaned against the bedpost, his frosted gaze drifting listlessly through the air.

Naturally there was no response. He wasn’t even sure Luo Bingzu was able to hear him, he just figured it was worth testing in the off-chance Luo Bingzu found a way to monitor him. Seeing as nothing immediately happened after his provocation, he strolled calmly to the door with a spare matchstick and-

…- set it on fire.

A match, a little qi and a brush of his hand to fan the flames.

Lock or no lock, a door couldn’t detain you if it simply didn’t exist.

Once the wood was weakened by the flames, Shen Jiu abruptly swept his sleeve in front of him once more, expelling some amassed Qi to extinguish the flames. Then with the wood being charred, he easily kicked the reinforced door to pieces with one smooth motion.

The victorious smirk lining his lips quickly faded once he noticed something odd about the air outside the room. It was still. A thick wall of deafening silence. There were no guards. No alarms. No maids. Nothing.

His brows furrowed, taking a tentative step outside the door, keeping his palm attached to the wall to steady his steps. “Hello? … Hello…? Anybody there?” He called into the empty hallway, feeling his voice rebound along the walls until it echo’d back to him slightly muffled. He was completely alone. Using that information as a sign that he could roam freely without being chastised, he quickly hurried down the hall and began to explore.

The building was massive… the pillars, wood, and general layout gave off a classical empire-esque design, something imperial with importance, but not grand enough to be a main residence. There was a small draft due to the large open doorways, tall ceilings and grand features.

It was definitely a palace of high importance… So why was no one else there? It was almost as if… the whole place belonged to him.

After several painstakingly long hours of roaming blindly through the empty halls, he began to feel a little… lonely.

A faint memory came rolling back to him like the distant clap of thunder in a far away storm. It was a short time after he entered the Cang Qiong Mountain Sect under Yue Qingyuan’s suggestion. Yue Qingyuan patted him on his shoulder twice with a large smile, radiating pure light, “This is your home now, Shen Jiu! You no longer need to worry about the cold from sleeping outside. If you need anything, just ask.”

Yue Qingyuan would always say homes were a place of warmth and comfort.

Home. Warmth.

Funny.

As Shen Jiu climatized to the Cang Qiong Mountain Sect, he discovered it felt no different than the vacant alleys he used to roam as a beggar. Empty, cold and devoid of any charm. It was a shelter with walls but that's it. There was nothing warm about it.

The looks of disgust he received as a beggar on the streets and the ones he earned as an outsider in the sect, were ironically the same. There would be subtle shoves as he brushed through a crowd which magically formed to obstruct his path, each person trying to vent their dissatisfaction of his dirty past. There would never be an empty seat in the dining hall for him when he stepped in, resulting in him either skipping meals to prevent others from catching on to his pitiful loner status, or result in him taking his food back to his room under the guise of wanting to return to his studies.

If someone were to look a little closer at the scrolls he’d ashamedly stare at in his lonesome, they’d see that they were actually blank, something he’d quickly lift to hide his face when someone passed by. It was a mask to cover the fact he was being ostracized from various social interactions. Something he would never admit. And why was he always isolated? It was simple. They all just saw him as a dirty beggar who killed his family and master and he had too much pride to deny it. To tell any of his truths. It was easier just to be the scum they wanted him to be.

From time to time, he’d have a little bit of warmth with his meal when Yue Qingyuan would stop by his room… but those conversations were mostly about Shen Jiu’s disciples or Yue Qingyuan scolding him, reminding him not to be so harsh on other members of the sect.

But Yue Qi… they were the ones being harsh first?

Nobody cared.

In life what mattered more than anything else was connections. If you didn’t have connections, you didn’t matter. And the Cang Qiong Mountain Sect was no exception to that rule.

To call that place a home was laughable. It was no different than the streets.

And this place too-

The surrounding walls were hollow, the air stagnant, the tiles cold- a reflection of his soul.

An empty shell without any charm.

It wasn’t a home.

Shen Jiu couldn’t help but sneer bitterly at the wall beneath his fingertips.

In all his lifetimes… he never once had a home.

The heavy echo of his footsteps and fingers brushing along the wall of the palace drifted through the air, rippling softly around him. Then he wandered away from the wall, entering the center of an empty courtyard, tilting his blank black gaze to the sky, seeing nothing at all.

What an awful place to be.

—

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

One hunched blood puppet hobbled through the door, nervously rubbing its festering hands together, “M-my lord!” The creature kneeled, trying to appease the ancestor whose heavy gaze fell upon us filthy body, “W-we would like to inform you that Shen-“

“Stop.” The puppet obeyed, ducking nervously under that vicious stare, “That name… is not for you to say.”

“This lowly one acknowledges its mistake. I will try again.” The one-eyed pus laden monstrosity peered up at him from where it knelt on the floor, its stance a bit lopsided, “The young master we guard at the Lotus Pavillion has escaped his room and is now roaming the building.”

“I am aware.”

The vile critter bowed before hobbling away, taking its foul stench with it. With a flick of his wrist, Luo Bingzu detoxified the air then went back to tapping, idly noting how- for some reason- Shen Jiu’s heart seemed to be a little slower than before. Heavier. Weighed down with sand or water.

Tap.

…

Tap.

Depression. Luo Bingzu knew it all too well. And yet, he promised to give Shen Jiu space… Rushing there would only ruffle Shen Jiu’s feathers and get Bingzu nagged at or smacked around for breaking the promise. Therefore his hands were tied, forced to comply and wait.

It was almost funny how, in his youth, he once feared Shen Jiu… but now-

After seeing the worst of humanity for a millennia, it was akin to recalling the wrath of a kitten. Everything Shen Jiu did was the stubborn bristling of an abused cat, scratching or clawing at anyone who got too close or tried to take its food.

It was hard to remember everything he felt back then… Getting whipped when failing tasks, getting locked in a shed for disobeying, being punished for not abiding by the rules- it was a lot for a child to endure. But for an emperor of life and death- one who had killed members of his own family, slaughtered cities, watched the rise and fall of humanity in a world of demons and humans, watching realms merge, collide, destruct and be reborn- … everything Shen Jiu did… couldn’t even scratch the surface anymore. All the previous grievances felt so distant and small.

Tap.

…

Tap.

And yet… for someone whose existence was so small… Shen Jiu still seemed to create waves in his mind.

These three days apart from Shen Jiu were beginning to feel like they dragged on longer than any of the previous countless centuries he’s lived.

Why was that?

—

In the midst of the silence in the courtyard, Shen Jiu found himself relapsing into that same broken trance he used to fall into whenever he was alone in Qing Jing Peak. Every little object looked like a way out, even through his blurry gaze. A sharp edge, water over one foot in depth, ledges a little too high, or plants not meant for consumption. It felt like each item was chanting, ‘die die die die die’ as he brushed past, with increasingly frantic steps.

I want to die.

I want to live.

Polarizing voices in his head tore him apart.

He was blind to his surroundings, bumping into occasional items- one being a pillar, the other being a statue. Another a tree. This continued until he was on the opposite side of the courtyard covered in bruises, shaking softly against the railing that supported him. Each beat of his heart getting louder and louder until it felt like a drum threatening to crush him from the inside.

‘Die’

His fingers seeped qi as he clutched tightly onto the railing.

‘Die’

The railing splintered and broke under his fierce clutch. As if it were his last attempt of holding onto life.

‘Do it’

A sizable splinter of wood broke into his trembling hands, sharp and jagged, cutting into his skin. It would cause a mess if he used it. But it would be quick.

‘Do it.’

But I want to live?

‘Do it’

Confused, distraught and shaky, he angled the wood to his throat, pulled by forces so deep within his heart, he had no idea where they were coming from.

Do I… want to live?

Do I?

…

No.

This time it was his own voice telling him:

No I don’t.

Right as his hands began to move, a soft thud of footsteps echoed behind him, startling Shen Jiu out of his trance.

The sudden presence had him whirling around, brandishing the broken railing as a weapon toward his intruder. There was a shift of air as the entity dodged, deftly catching him by the sleeve to pull him to a gentle stop. Words low, quiet and as unthreatening as possible, Luo Bingzu spoke, “It’s just me, shizun.”

The tension shattered, snapping Shen Jiu from his stupor with a cold sweat, the wooden spike falling from his hands with a soft clatter. “H-has it been three days already?” Shen Jiu’s voice was frail, trembling, one wrong word away from falling apart.

The answer was no.

But Luo Bingzu calmly said: “Yes.”

A lie.

A pretty little lie.

Comfort was born from that lie.

It soothed Shen Jiu, even though it wasn’t true. Because now he wasn’t alone with the darkness in his heart that wanted him dead. It was odd… he wanted to die so badly… but the second Luo Bingzu was around, he couldn’t even think about it.

Neither of them dared to acknowledge the fact it had barely been one day since they parted, instead only standing together in the far side of the pavilion courtyard with Luo Bingzu shrouded in the light of the courtyard lanterns, and Shen Jiu falling to pieces in the only spot the shadows could reach.

Luo Bingzu would never say it out loud.

But he noticed how Shen Jiu had sneakily inched one shaky finger into his sleeve, holding onto it as if it were the only thing keeping him from slipping into insanity. Luo Bingzu simply stood, quietly gazing into a distant flower on a faraway tree, waiting for Shen Jiu to recover on his own time. Never rushing, never wavering, as still as a mountain that loomed next to a small lake.

Something resuscitated in Luo Bingzu’s chest as he felt Shen Jiu’s wordless plea pierce right through his heart, both shaky black eyes peering up at him with an almost desperate haze.

Please don’t leave me alone.

And so, wordlessly, Luo Bingzu closed his eyes and promised.

I won’t.

—

The walk back to Shen Jiu’s room was slow and calculated.

And awkward- mostly for Shen Jiu.

Because in all his life, he never acted so pitifully. Perhaps having the freedom to move on his own without being in a simulation really destroyed his ability to act rationally. He would need to be more careful. That’s why as they walked back to the room, he was more bitter than before, chin slightly raised and eyes sharp.

Whenever he strayed off-path due to his impaired vision, Luo Bingzu quietly led him back with gentle touches on his sleeve.

That was how they successfully returned to the room after a long period of silence. The sight of the shattered door froze Luo Bingzu for a moment, which temporarily satisfied Shen Jiu but his joy was instantly sapped as he heard Luo Bingzu repair it with a slight roll of his wrist. “Really? You would use your powers for such a meaningless repair?”

“In order to give you privacy, shizun, this use of power is not meaningless. Do not worry.” The sincerity of those words pricked at Shen Jiu’s skin and all he could do was shut up, quickly storming over to the distant table in the room. Thanks to his advanced memorization skills, he had already mapped out the room earlier in the day and didn’t struggle to traverse it even with his eyes being a mess. It would appear someone cleaned the room while he was away too, removing all the candles and wax.

Luo Bingzu followed him to the wooden table and sat across from him. “Are you hungry, shizun?”

The thought of the soup came crashing back making Shen Jiu shiver. “No-” Sadly his stomach disagreed and growled right as he spoke, making his mouth clamp shut and ears burn bright red. His body exposed him shamelessly. He tucked his mouth behind his hand and bitterly averted his eyes, “A little.”

“I’ll make you some food then.” Luo Bingzu snapped his fingers, activating a clone somewhere in the distance.

“Thanks but I’ll pass.” Shen Jiu mumbled under his palm, eyes drifting as he recalled the pungent dish he was force fed the day before. The bitter metallic aftertaste stayed on his tongue all night, “I’d rather starve than eat anything you cook ever again.”

There was a soft chuckle, “It’ll be good today, shizun.”

“I sincerely doubt that.” He finally lowered his hand, allowing both palms to rest on his lap with elegant charm. Luo Bingzu couldn’t help but think Shen Jiu looked like a proud lion, outlined by the radiant sunlight that came through the window behind him.

Luo Bingzu’s mood was good. “Try it first. If it’s bad, I’ll grant you one wish.”

“Then I wish-”

“Except for your death, my death, or freedom.”

Shen Jiu shut his mouth once more, glancing in Luo Bingzu’s general direction with a frown. He couldn’t prove it… but he just knew that asshole was smiling.

The food arrived quickly, and this time, as promised… it smelled incredible. “What is it?” He tentatively tapped his hand along the table trying to locate the tray of food.

Luo Bingzu nudged the tray closer to Shen Jiu’s fingers, “Soup.”

Shen Jiu instantly shoved it back, “Don’t want it.”

“Sorry, it’s actually roast duck.” Luo Bingzu once more pushed the tray towards him.

…

“Are you teasing me?” Shen Jiu’s brows pinched, making his normally stoic face a shade angrier.

“I wouldn’t dare.” This time, Luo Bingzu was DEFINITELY smirking.

It pissed Shen Jiu off. If he weren’t so hungry he would have fought back.

Once the tray was in his clutches, he dragged it closer feeling a bit suspicious… but his guard lowered the moment the scent hit his nose. It really did smell good. His wrists were also a lot better today allowing him to eat without assistance, fully capable of using his chopsticks without Luo Bingzu’s intervention. He quickly began to eat.

“Do you like it?” The sound of Luo Bingzu leaning onto the table, cheek in palm, made Shen Jiu scowl.

“No.”

“Then I’ll take it back.” A hand on HIS tray of food triggered something animalistic in Shen Jiu. There was a sharp twang as his chopstick pierced past Luo Bingzu’s head and deep into the wall on the opposite side of the room.

There was a pause, followed by an amused smile, “I understand. Shizun can keep it. I won’t take your food from you. It’s all yours.”

“It really is awful.” Shen Jiu continued eating, struggling now that he was missing a chopstick. This did not slow him down though, barely remembering his table manners, “Really awful.”

“I know.” Luo Bingzu nudged a new chopstick under Shen Jiu’s finger, saying nothing as Shen Jiu snatched it, “I am a terrible cook, shizun. The absolute worst. This disciple will learn.”

“Yes, a very bad cook.”

“Mhm.”

“Never had anything worse in my life.”

“Mhm.”

“You will keep cooking until you get better.”

“Mhm.”

The entire plate was cleared.

It was hard to say who was more satisfied by the end of the meal. The stubborn scowling Shen Jiu whose stomach was practically purring like a kitten or Luo Bingzu who watched the whole thing with a smile.

“Instead of learning how to cook, you should work on curing my eyes.” Shen Jiu said after a moment of silence.

“Why?” Luo Bingzu’s words were light, as he gently patted a bit of sauce off Shen Jiu’s lip, calmly dodging the followup slap it earned him, “Are you saying you think my cooking is fine?”

“No, I’m not saying that. It was truly awful. I just want my eyesight back.”

“I see, I see.”

“... Do you know how to fix my eyesight or do you not?” He persisted stubbornly.

Luo Bingzu smiled, leaning over the table. “Eat the soup I make without complaints when I give it to you. Then you will heal.”

Tch.

“Why didn’t you just tell me it was a medicinal soup?” Shen Jiu grumbled to himself, “I can eat bitter things and the smell won’t bother me much. Make it properly next time and don’t try to mask its smell behind a mess of herbs. I won’t complain.”

There was a heavy pause, then another smile traced Luo Bingzu’s lips, “If that’s what shizun wants. But in return you must promise not to ask me what the ingredients are.”

“Fine.”

It didn’t matter what it was.

As long as his vision returned, he would eat just about anything. He hated being so dependent on someone else.

—

The rest of that day was relatively peaceful, filled mostly with the bored daydreaming of Shen Jiu who mulled over random scenarios from the past. On the other hand, Luo Bingzu was casually tapping his nail against the wooden table, secretly observing Shen Jiu.

One might call it ‘staring’… Luo Bingzu called it ‘studying’.

To put Shen Jiu’s appearance at that moment into words, Luo Bingzu feared he would need to recall a millennia of languages just to find the right ones. All he could do was describe Shen Jiu with abstract parallels. Such as right now, the man was postured with a straight back and an expression downcast as he fiddled with his own empty hands, evoking the emotion one might feel if they were to stumble upon a moonlit oasis among a patch of trees. Thought provoking, heart numbing and tranquil. The warm meal must have calmed him down.

Silky strands of brownish black hair blanketing his shoulders, occasionally swaying like vines in a breeze, paired with the soft rise and fall of his stomach. Once in a while, he’d lick or bite at his lightly reddened lips, contrasting vibrantly against his pale skin. The weepy sadness and subtle exhaustion lining his eyes, pulling each of his eyelashes down would shudder whenever a shadow fell over his body.

It was in that moment, Luo Bingzu realized in all his years of knowing Shen Jiu, that he had never fully taken a moment to appreciate the subtleties that lay bare on the otherwise stoic face. He noticed how Shen Jiu never raised his eyes in a room full of people unless spoken to. When alone, those raven black eyes would be caught on the stars or a stray cloud. Around people, they were locked on the floor. Around women they were respectful. Around men, they were closed or shifting away.

Did other people notice such things about Shen Jiu too? He wondered if he was the only one who did… Otherwise, how did everyone end up turning on Shen Jiu so willingly in the past? Just how many were blind to Shen Jiu’s oasis of emotions?

Every once in a while, Luo Bingzu who observed from a respectful distance, chin in palm, would throw a stone into those reposeful waters, trying to see what kind of reaction he would get. Sometimes it would be a small ripple, both ebony eyes glaring at him when he asked a meaningless question. “Does the sun feel nice?” Sometimes it would be a splash, with teeth baring into a fierce snarl when he asked an embarrassing one. “Do you want me to leave a light on when you sleep?” And sometimes… there would be no movement at all, only growing quieter-

Such as when he asked about Shen Jiu’s name.

“What should I call you if you don't want to be called shizun?” His stone landed dead center in the pond, only to sink rapidly below the icy black waters of Shen Jiu’s heart. There was no immediate response so he threw another one. “Shen Qingqiu?” The water chilled more, emitting a frosty fog, both eyes filled with venom. Luo Bingzu tried once more, “How about Shen Jiu?” The oasis froze completely.

Shen Jiu moved to strike him, failing to land his attack only due to his currently impaired vision, which gave Luo Bingzu enough time to dodge- not that it would hurt him even if it landed. However, the sight of Shen Jiu’s eyes burning red at the seams, chest heaving without rhythm, left a lethal blow nonetheless on Luo Bingzu’s heart, “Never call me that again. Never. Anything… anything but that…” Shen Jiu shrunk in on himself, becoming half the size he normally was- holding the robes tighter around his body. The man’s chin tipped down and eyes narrowed as if fighting off tears, “Shizun… You can call me shizun. That is fine.”

And then the oasis fully closed off, turning away from him.

Centuries had passed since their first meeting and Luo Bingzu realized he really didn’t know much about Shen Jiu at all. What about the name Shen Jiu aggrieved him so vehemently? What made him the person he was today? Was the man really just a blackened soul since birth, born to be a villain to provide character growth to Luo Bingzu? Or was he so much more than that?

Luo Bingzu watched as Shen Jiu tucked himself away in a small corner of the room on a daybed by the window, somehow overcast by shadows despite sitting directly in a patch of sunlight.

The gloomy expression on the man’s face both hurt and satisfied Luo Bingzu at the same time. It was not a good expression. But it was an expression nonetheless. And that meant Shen Jiu, whether conscious of it or not, was growing more comfortable around him.

And thus there was merit to that pain.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” He suddenly said, observing the way Shen Jiu’s head perked like a dog that heard its favorite word.

“Where to?” He seemed intrigued.

“I’ll take you into town.”