Chapter Text
1. A question - Minho
Minho was in the shower, getting ready for the gym. He was exhausted, still fully set on not losing to himself. Covering his arms and chest in shower cream, he sensed a heaviness in his body, a billowing raincloud in his mind. He must be drained from the live shows. They’d been never ending recently, and no matter how high on dopamine you got from the performance rush, it did come with a price.
Images from the last show turned up in his mind. The encore was almost over and they were all running around, greeting fans, cheering and yelling. Minho was jumping up and down alongside Seungmin. In the corner of his eye, he saw Jisung running to the sideline, like an overjoyed puppy eager to greet its owner. The fuck? Minho’s head turned, gaze following, and one millisecond later, he saw that guy, another idol that Jisung had somehow become friends with—Minho wasn’t even going to use his name. That’s all he got to think, before his mind disintegrated into particles. Black dust spread all through him, clogging his eyesight, and a screeching sound echoed in his ears, filling him with sickness.
His body started moving on its own, taking forceful steps in the same direction as Jisung. He was already chatting with the guy, looking delighted. Why so god damn happy? Minho arrived, his hand reaching out and pulling the intruder away from Jisung, shoving him toward his friends, then grabbing Jisung’s wrist and dragging him out of there. “You’re coming with me.”
“I can say hi to him,” Jisung pouted, but followed along without complaining further. Then the moment was over and they continued as if nothing had happened.
Minho’s ears felt hot as he rubbed the shampoo into his hair. It wasn’t the first time he was taken over by emotion like that. A shiver ran through his body, the foam slid down his skin along with the water. After reliving that moment, his head dropped, and his throat choked up. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he be content and let Jisung have his life? He didn’t want to be a controlling boyfriend. It was just wrong.
He didn’t like the dependency, either. Of course, partners should be able to depend on each other, but having the state of his own mind being determined by whomever Jisung interacted with… Minho shrugged. He had to do something about it. But what could he do?
While lifting weights and using the machines, he kept thinking. Whenever he ran into a problem like this, he tried to find an actionable solution. At times he’d bought a self-help book—He’d even read one about how to win the heart of a busy person… back when he and Jisung were still dating casually, and he wanted so badly for them to become something more. But as of now, he didn’t think he’d have the time, nor the focus, to read a book. He’d have to think of something else.
He started asking himself questions. Why was he like this, when Jisung was not? Jisung had mentioned being jealous, but only sparsely. Not that he was completely immune to it: Sometimes, when Minho came physically close to other members, Jisung would send him a death glare or pout, but he still didn’t seem to react as intensely as Minho did. Was Jisung more content just because Minho showed possessiveness? Nah, that didn’t feel exactly right, either.
What was the problem, really? Jisung flirting with members wasn’t a big deal most of the time. He loved being flirty and cute, that was just his second nature—He could smooth talk a rock if it happened to be in front of him. The issue arose when new people entered the scene, wanting Jisung’s attention, and after overcoming his first shyness, he just handed it out freely, with those big brown eyes open wide, his lips forming that lovely smile. That’s when it struck. HE’S MINE! Minho wanted to yell from the top of his lungs. DO NOT TOUCH!!
What if Jisung would let someone touch him? Would Minho be able to handle that? Judging from his reactions, that was the one thing in this world that could possibly kill him. So, that was what he needed to work on. Having Jisung getting touched by someone in a way that Minho couldn’t stand… and then live through it. Push through, with pure willpower.
If he survived that, wouldn’t that make him invulnerable?
2. A plan - Jisung
Jisung and Minho’d had different schedules for a few days, and had hardly seen each other. Now they were lying in bed, and Jisung was blinking slowly, ready to drift away. Then Minho caught his gaze. “Don’t fall asleep yet,” he said, “I want to talk to you about something.”
“Okay… ” Minho rarely initiated conversations like this, so Jisung tried to shake off the sleepiness and listen.
“I’ve gotten this idea… that I’d like to bring up with you.”
Minho seemed a little hesitant. What was on his mind now? “What’s the idea?”
Hopefully, he wasn’t about to suggest some kind of role-play… if so, it definitely had to wait to another time.
“I’m wondering if you’d be up for having sex with someone else.”
Now, that was not what he expected. He was fully awake within a second. “Me… having sex with someone else… did I hear that correctly? Why on earth are you asking me that?”
Jisung stared back at Minho, trying to figure out if he was joking, but it didn’t seem that way. Instead he looked as if he were trying to find the words to explain something complicated. His smile was a little ironic when he continued. “You know that I’m the jealous type.”
“Yes, very much so. That’s why I’m questioning your motifs right now.”
“The thing is… I don’t like that about myself.”
That, too, was something new. “No? I sort of thought you did... I mean, you like being protective, don’t you? I kind of like that you are, at least.”
“Mhm, I like being protective, but I don’t like being possessive and insecure. I don’t like that dark, destructive feeling I get when others touch you, or when they give you too much attention. It hurts me. It’s like I’m hurting myself with my own insecurities.”
Ahh, so that was what this was about? Yes, Minho was a jealous person. That was something Jisung knew about even before they decided to be a couple. At times, he’d get angry at other idols or members for coming too close, and sometimes he would physically remove them, or Jisung, from the situation. Jisung was used to it. When those things happened, they never made a big deal out of it, and Jisung mainly took it as a sign of affection, although misplaced at times… But he could see how it might be bothering Minho.
“So, this suggestion… is for you to develop as a person? Do you really think it would be a good idea to do it that way?”
Minho pursed his lips. “I want to challenge myself.” Then he thought for a while. “Do you remember just before we became serious, when I was in love with you, but thought you didn’t love me back… and I had sex with someone else? And then, later, I told you about it… and, it’s not like you were fine with it, but you could handle it, sort of..?”
Jisung scoffed. “I had to accept that, since it had already happened. And we weren’t together at that point, so it wasn’t for me to judge you. It’s just something that happened, and I don’t think there’s any use in wallowing over such things.”
“Exactly. But if it would have been me, I would have. I would’ve had a hard time letting it go, trying to make sure you didn’t see him or even think about him. It doesn’t seem like you had the same way of dealing with it.”
“Maybe not… but… for starters, I’ve been working hard to learn how to let go of things. And, secondly, in that case, I let go because I believe that you love me, and that you already did love me at that point… So, what happened with him was just a side story, and it didn’t have anything to do with you and me.”
Minho nodded. “That’s exactly the kind of thinking I’d like to see if I could develop, too.”
“I understand that, but isn’t this a risky way of doing it? What if we try that, and then you understand that you couldn’t, in fact, handle it? And everything between us falls apart because of that… Would you be willing to risk that?”
Minho looked a little dumbfounded, as if he hadn’t thought of that possibility.
Jisung had to smile. “You think very highly of your capability, and that’s a good thing, but for me, I don’t think I’m willing to take the risk.”
Minho’s eyes went soft. “I see, you’re right. I’m sorry if I upset you. That was selfish… I’m stupid sometimes.”
Jisung ruffled his hair. “I’m not upset. And I love you just the way you are, pabo.”
Then he thought for a while. “I do think it’s good that you want to develop and change. I’m all for it. But I think we have to make a better plan for it, than just you letting me off to have sex with someone, and then hopefully being able to handle it. Not to mention that I should be in on it from the beginning, too.”
“Ahh. A plan?”
“Yeah. I think we should come up with one together. A plan that we both can agree on.”
The next day, they were filming a reality show, all of them present, waiting for directions for the next segment. Jisung was relieved it was that kind of day, when everything was planned. But in the pauses here and there, inevitably, their late night discussion from yesterday came to mind.
Deciding to come up with a plan was one thing, but how do you actually make one? Jisung could easily have killed off this whole idea by merely dismissing it, but somehow it didn’t feel right. He had a sense that Minho was hurting and really wanted to change. Minho wasn’t likely to go to therapy, since he preferred to deal with things through actions. That’s probably why he had come up with such an idea in the first place… Thinking of it made Jisung smile. It was outrageous, cute and a little immature at the same time. But, they wouldn’t be able to handle this without communicating. Jisung actually looked forward to it, although with some caution. They were good at talking nonsense, and could yap for hours, but speaking about themselves and their relationship… sometimes, that was hard.
Yesterday, before they went to sleep, Jisung had said that he would give it some thought and then tell Minho how he wanted to move forward. So now, the initiative was with him, for better or worse.
They had rarely talked about others. When you’re in a rosy, shimmering and lovey-dovey state, you think that you will never be interested in anyone else, ever. And some people might never be, for real. Jisung wasn’t one of them, he easily got interested in people. Then, it easily passed, too. Minho didn’t seem to function the same way. But the only time they did talk about experiences with others was when Minho came clean about that other guy. Honestly, it hurt. But right after that, they’d become a couple, and the instance had faded into the past.
It was time to move location for a game. Maybe he could learn something from how these kinds of shows were made? The producers had planned the structure, with some basic concepts and ideas, but well there, they as participants had to improvise. And based on how that panned out, the next step would be decided. So, maybe, they should just start somewhere and see where it led? In that case, wouldn’t just talking about things be a good start?
3. A love - Minho
They were at home and had eaten dinner. Now they were sitting in the sofa.
Jisung raised his head and looked intently at Minho. “So, I said I’d think about the next steps, and come back to you… and now I’ve done that.”
“Oh.” Minho gave him a weak smile. “That was quick.”
Jisung chuckled. “I’m fast sometimes.” Then his eyes sought him out. “Before I tell you what I want us to do, I think we ought to talk a little about fear.”
Minho’s lips parted slightly. “Fear?”
“Yeah, that’s what this is about, isn’t it? So I wanted to ask, what is it that scares you?”
He was right, it was about fear. A fear so overwhelming that Minho couldn’t handle it. Wasn’t that embarrassing? He felt like he might start stuttering if he’d try to put it into words.
Jisung urged him on. “It’s okay, you can tell me.”
A little sigh came out of his mouth before the words. “I guess… it’s losing you. Losing your love, your attention, my special place in your heart. I fear that someone else will come along, and you’ll find them more interesting, more attractive, and then you’ll forget about me. There would be nothing I could do… so I’d just see you leave, right before my eyes.” His voice choked up. “And then, I’d be completely alone.”
Jisung’s eyes glossed over and he made a sad face. “Mmm. That’s something that would scare me a lot, too.”
He thought for a while. “So, the purpose of this has to be to make sure you won’t lose me, that you feel loved and secure even if I give my attention to others. And, also, the other way around. Right?”
Minho nodded.
“Then I want it to be like this,” Jisung continued. “I want you to be mindful, and not go along with anything I suggest just for the sake of it. If something crosses your line, or makes you feel bad, I want you to tell me straight up. And I’ll do the same. This is for us to get closer and end up in a better place, not a worse one. I won’t risk that for anything.”
Minho’s heart went weak. Jisung’s eyes were so dark and serious. He’d really thought this through. “Jisungie… I love you so much.” The words just slipped out.
Jisung smiled. “I love you too, my big baby.”
“Now let me tell you my idea.” Jisung gazed fondly right into his eyes, and Minho’s body felt fluid and warm, like he was being taken care of.
“I’ll hold you, and then I’ll tell you something about a person I have loved, that is not you. And you can ask me whatever you want. And, if you want to, then we switch roles and you do the same. Is that something you’d be up for trying?”
Minho’s heart had started beating faster. Even if it was a very small task compared to what he initially had suggested, he wondered if he could really do it. Because, if he was fully honest, his jealousy wasn’t only targeted toward new people— also people in Jisung’s past could evoke those emotions. Therefore, he had avoided hearing much about Jisung’s past loves, even if he knew they existed.
Jisung seemed to sense his hesitation. He reached out and took both his hands in his. “You’ll ask the questions, so you’ll be in control. If you don’t want to continue, or don’t want to hear something, just tell me. He let go of one of Minho’s hands. “You don’t even have to say anything, just raise your hand like this.” He held his right hand up as a stop sign.
Minho nodded. “Okay. We’ll try.”
“Then come here.” Jisung rose, still holding his hand. He pulled him along to his room, where he had him sit down on the bed. Then he curled his hand and gently stroked Minho’s cheek. “Lie down with me.”
Facing each other, Jisung put his arms loosely around him, placing his hands on his back.
“Why do I feel nervous?” Minho chuckled, his heart racing.
“Because we’ve never done anything like this before?”
Inside Minho’s mind, a flutter of excitement mixed with an aboding feeling. What had he started, really? What if this would be too hard for him?
Jisung caught his gaze, tightening the hold a little. “Okay, so I’ll go now.”
At first, he giggled, but then inhaled and got serious. “So… I fell in love before I became a trainee, with the sister of my friend. I was head over heels for her.”
Minho nodded slightly, trying to keep his gaze steady, but couldn’t control his excessive blinking.
“How do you feel, hearing that?”
“It’s okay, you can continue.”
“She was actually almost one and a half years older than me, and I found it very embarrassing, but that didn’t change how I felt… At first, she didn’t notice me a lot, but when I started hanging out with him more, for obvious reasons, she started joining in, too.”
Jisung paused. Minho’s heart was beating in a steady pace, a little faster than normal, but he was still all right. He knew that Jisung had been in love with some girls.
Minho licked his lips, then inhaled to ask something. “What did you do when you met?”
“Most of the time, we hung out at their place. Sometimes, we went to the arcade to play games. I sucked at it, and she laughed at me—of course she was much better… Then we went to the movies, and she got the seat in between us…”
Minho sensed there was more to say. “Did something happen there?”
“She was holding her arm on the armrest… and I just casually put mine next to hers, as a test. She didn’t remove it.”
“Ohh. So she liked you?”
Jisung’s face took on a hint of rose. “She did. The week after, even though I almost died from nervousness, I confessed to her… and she said she liked me back.”
He gave Minho an apologetic smile, blushing. “Still okay?”
Minho nodded, but it was hard to know… He wanted to hear this story. It was as a whole new part of Jisung opened up, one that had been concealed all this time. It was difficult listening to how he’d loved someone else… but on the other hand, Minho wanted to know everything about him, know all of him. And this was a part of him, too.
So he nodded, and Jisung continued. “I was so excited to see her, I wanted to be with her every day, but she was in the last grade of middle school, so she was super busy. And… she didn’t like that I was a younger friend of her brother’s… But, despite all that, eventually, we started seeing each other secretly.”
“Secretly?”
“Yeah, we took long walks, went to cafés in other parts of the city, such things.”
“Mhmm. Didn’t your friend notice what was going on?”
“Maybe he did… but in that case, he pretended not to.”
Minho swallowed. He had something he wanted to ask, but wasn’t sure he should. On the other hand, maybe they would never speak about this again. He should ask about what he wanted to know. “What did she look like?”
Jisung smiled and his eyes got dulled, as if he were looking at a beautiful picture inside of him. “Long, black hair. Big, almond shaped, pitch black eyes with long eyelashes. Sometimes, she would have a thin braid on each side, falling in front of her ears. She had a striped hat that she wore when she wanted to look a little quirky. Her smile was shy, until suddenly, she cursed.” He swallowed. “She was… unbelievably cute.”
Saying that, he looked fond, and Minho could clearly sense he wasn’t looking at him anymore, instead, the memory had caught all of his attention. Minho’s heart ballooned and filled up his chest, it was on its way out, choking him and inducing an acute nausea. His face burned. This was what he’d been afraid of. A panicked rush went through him and he started to sweat. He could never be like that, could never be that. A cute girl, a quirky girl, with… His breathing became shorter.
Jisung noticed, and his gaze immediately returned to his, trying to pick him up. “Come here.”
He wrapped his arms tightly, hugging him and talking in a soothing voice. “You are my baby, I love you more than anything in this world. And you are here, with me, now. What I’m talking about is in the past. I’m over her, I promise you.”
Minho rested his head on Jisung’s shoulder, his body was warm and firm, his voice tender.
“Should we take a break, sweetie?” he whispered.
Minho was in the bathroom. He was done with his needs, but after washing his hands, he sat down on the lid of the toilet. His body was weak. Why was this so hard? He stroked his face, while the nauseating feeling came back, and his heart sped up. A spike of red rushed through his body, like blood flushing, he could even taste it on his lips.
What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?
The rush dissolved into exhaustion. I can’t take it, he thought, his throat suddenly aching. This girl, was she the one who broke Jisung’s heart so badly he couldn’t think of anything else for years? He’d been avoiding that topic like the plague, to keep from feeling like this… but here it was now.
I’m so tired, I can’t take it.
Tears welled up in his eyes, he tried to push them back, but instead came a whimper and a sob. Oh, why? He covered his face in his hands and let a few tears roll down his cheeks, breathing shakily, before drawing some paper to dry them off.
What are you crying about, you wimp, he scolded himself. Pull yourself together!
4. A story - Jisung
It hadn’t been Jisung’s intention to eavesdrop, he just happened to go by on the way to the kitchen. Passing the bathroom door, he clearly heard a sob from in there. His heart stopped. Was Minho crying? That man hardly ever cried. Maybe he misheard.
He was distraughtly preparing the teapot when Minho came out. Jisung turned around, facing him. Minho’s face looked mushy and his eyes a little red. Jisung had to shift his gaze away. Swallowing, his eyes filled up with tears, too. Was Minho hurting that much? Had he crossed a line?
No, this wasn’t supposed to be a crying fest, he had to swallow it down.
“Jagiya, let’s have some tea.”
Minho nodded, looking tired and a little sulky. They sat down next to each other in the sofa.
Jisung poured them each a cup. Minho took his in both hands and lifted it, blowing air on the liquid to cool it down. He didn’t say anything.
Jisung stirred with a teaspoon to dissolve the honey. Then he turned to Minho. “How are you doing?”
Minho put the cup down again. “I don’t know.”
"Okay, are you sure… you don’t?” Jisung didn’t want to pressure him, but still, he knew… that he wasn’t all right. “Should we just ditch this whole idea?
Then, Minho shook his head violently. “No. I want to do it.”
“Really? Because…”
“No, I mean it. I want to do it.”
Jisung had to gather his mind a little. So, this conversation made Minho hurt enough to cry, but he still wanted to go on… then, he must feel it was of importance. Jisung knew that you shouldn’t avoid everything that made you feel discomfort, but in his own case, he’d also learned to not think about such things too much. In some respects, they were just polar opposites.
“Would you like to tell me a story about you?”
Minho took a small sip from his tea and put the cup down again. “I could do that. But I’m different from you, I haven’t been deeply in love many times. Mainly, I had a few crushes in school, and people I was interested in later on… but those didn’t turn into serious relationships.” He scratched his neck. “Though, there was this one guy in the dance group that I had sex with a few times.”
“Oh, really?” Jisung raised his brows. He didn’t know that.
“Can I tell you?” Minho turned to catch his gaze. Jisung smiled, his heart throwing an extra beat. He appreciated that caring question so dearly.
“Go ahead. I’ll tell you if it gets too much.”
Minho nodded and seemed to look for a way to start. “Okay, so… I had a feeling that this guy was checking me out when we danced… but if I tried to meet his gaze, he always turned it away. Then, one time, we went out to celebrate something, and we had a few drinks. We were at this restaurant, and when I came from the restroom, he was outside the door, and we bumped into each other. I guess he had a little too much, because at that point, he just grabbed me and kissed me. The restrooms were in a corridor, and no one was there at that moment.”
Jisung licked his lips. It was unusual to hear Minho speak like this. “Did you think it was hot?
Minho chuckled. “Yeah, I did. He basically pushed me against the wall, and…” He stopped and glanced at him. Jisung had to giggle. “It’s fine, go on.”
“I, ehhm, I mean, he almost blew me in there, but we came to our senses somehow, and left. I don’t think anyone saw us, at least, no one said anything… Then we went to his place.”
“Was he your hyung?”
Minho shook his head. “No, we were the same age.”
His ears had gone red. “I’ll spare you the details, but it was my first time…” He glanced again, as to check in, and Jisung nodded.
“It was my first time topping. We did it at the kitchen table.”
“Oh, wow.” That made Jisung blush, too. “That’s hot.”
Minho was quiet for a while, before speaking again. “You know what?”
“No?”
“He was so in the closet, even to himself, that he pretended like it never happened. Even though it repeated every time we went out to drink... In between those times, he hardly looked at me or spoke to me.”
Jisung scrunched his nose. “Eww. What an asshole.”
Minho nodded. “Yeah, he was.”
After yet another silent moment, Minho turned to Jisung. “Did you sleep with her?”
Oh, so they were back to that again? “Wow, that was a leap.”
“Mmm.
They locked gazes, Jisung smiling gently. “But yeah, I did. That was a lot later, when I was a trainee, and we’d had our thing for, like, almost two years.” He inhaled. “My relatives have a house, and they were away on a trip, and I’d promised to check the space for them now and then. So, I basically had this place all to myself…”
“Right.” Minho lifted his hand. “That’s all I wanted to know."
All right. So this was their destination tonight. Jisung stretched out his hand. “Hold my hand, baby.”
Minho took it. They sat like that for a while. “Thank you for telling me, and for listening,” Jisung said softly. “Are you okay?”
Minho gave his hand a push and drew a deep breath. “As far as I know, I am… Now, let’s go to bed.”
5. A union - Minho
After washing up and brushing his teeth, Minho curled up in bed, waiting for Jisung to join. Tonight had been a ride. He didn’t know what to think of it. Maybe he shouldn’t.
Jisung entered in his underwear only, and Minho lifted the covers. Jisung lay down and put his arm around his waist.
“Uhh, you’re cold,” Minho gasped.
“Soon, I won’t be. Warm me up.”
Minho immediately threw his arms around Jisung’s body and turned with him in his embrace, so that he ended up underneath him.
“Aish,” he giggled. “I said warm me, don’t smother me.”
“It’s comes as part of the deal.”
Minho leaned down, nibbling on Jisung’s lips, before giving in to their allure, starting to devour them fully. He still couldn’t believe his luck, finding Jisung in this world, and then ending up with him like this. He had to be forgiven for being afraid of losing it.
Jisung kissed him back, his hands brushing through the hair on the back of his head. Minho’s heart rate increased, and a part in his nether regions went hard. He pressed against Jisung’s body, and heard his breathing go heavier.
Jisung let go of his lips. “Are you my big jagi?“ he teased.
Minho gave out a low hum, then sank his teeth into his chunky lip, pressing down a little, before letting it go with a slick sound. “You want proof, huh?”
At times they played rough, but tonight, their union was on the tender side. In a steady rhythm, their bodies moved together. Jisung held his eyelids closed, moaning softly as Minho pushed and retracted. Jisung’s lips were wet and glistening. Minho leaned forward to suck at his lower lip, his mouth firming up as he responded, their tongues entwining. Minho sensed his cock stir and grow larger, urging him to increase the speed.
He let go of Jisung’s lips but kept his face close, eyes fixated on his mouth. His lips glistened, the teeth underneath were like a strand of pearls. Jisung bit his lip and his breathing got shorter. That mouth was hot, so hot, so hot… Minho shoved harder, his groin tightened, and his abdomen tensed as Jisung let out a longer moan. A hard thrust, and Minho exploded into euphoria. He came in convulsions, groaning with each spurt. Jisung arched his back and moaned as he orgasmed, too, making the sweetest, lewdest sounds.
It didn’t take long until their lips found their way back to each other again, kissing as their bodies calmed, being one, breathing together.
The next morning, they had to leave early for dance practice. Minho had sent his bubble and was done preparing coffee in the kitchen. Jisung came in and Minho reached him a cup.
“Thanks, babe. All good today?”
Minho nodded and smiled. “I am. You?”
“I’m fine.” His cheeks reddened and he took a sip of the coffee. Holding the cup, he caught Minho’s gaze. “Before our schedules take off, I’d like to ask you something.”
“Go ahead.”
“What’s the next step of our plan? It’s your turn to suggest something… if you want to.” His smile was something in between anxious, cute and sly. He was right, though. To not lose focus, they should keep this going and not get distracted. But what did he want them to do? Yesterday had been hard, but in the end, he had survived. He had to find something that would take them one step further, without challenging him too much.
“Good question. I’ll think about it and tell you tonight.”