Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter One: It’s a Boy and A Girl and a Boy and a Girl!

Avengers Facility, Upstate New York

Once upon a time, there was a brave Captain who had an argument with a close friend.  Eventually, they made amends.  Sort of.  What really happened was something big and evil came and forced the two arguing friends and their separate camps to come together for the common good.  And once the smoke had cleared, it didn’t make sense for the two groups to separate again.  So instead, they decided to go back to what they had all called home and build something new and interesting.  

“Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy.   Mommy.  MOMMY.   MOMMY!!!”

Darcy put down the telephone book she had been pretending was an actual children’s fairytale book.  The Avengers Facility was woefully short on kid friendly supplies, something that Darcy had been assured would be handled.  But eight hours into this ordeal, and nothing was handled yet, and Darcy had two toddlers under the age of four and two six year old’s who were pretended to be disinterested, but really were in desperate need of a bedtime story.

Darcy looked down to the incredibly petite little girl who was tugging at her sleeve and put on her most patient, loving smile.

“Yes, Helen?” Darcy asked the little girl, who the medical staff on site had guessed was about three and a half.  The medical staff on site had taken great joy in guessing their technical superior’s new age.

“Lookit what they did!” Helen pointed to the other end of the king sized bed.  

“No good rotten tattle tale!”

Darcy took a deep breath as she looked down at the end of the bed where the two six year old boys who she had literally rescued from medical experimentation eight hours ago were currently tearing the bedding apart as they wrestled with each other in a violent way that was really unnatural for two small children.  The bedside lamp that Darcy would have normally admired under different circumstances glinted off a very new and shiny vibranium arm.

“Bucky Barnes!” Darcy scolded.

One of the little brunet boys froze, the mom voice was something he had clearly heard before and knew he should respect.  His small metal arm was wrapped around the other boy’s neck,  but obviously wasn’t actively trying to strangle him with his full strength.  If he had been, the other little brunet boy would be very dead at the moment.  And he wasn’t because he was currently digging a bony, vicious elbow into the tender spot on tiny Bucky’s tummy.

“TONY STARK!” Darcy scolded.  

Tony wasn’t so used to the scolding mom voice.  Maria Stark had been a good mother, but not overly involved in Tony’s discipline.  That had fallen to his father.   The soft anger in Darcy’s voice made him pause for a moment but then he went right back to actively trying to hurt Bucky.  Bucky whimpered and threw Darcy a pleading look, as if asking for permission to strangle the other boy.

“STOP IT! YOU’S PISSING ME OFF!”

The tiny annoyed growling sound made Tony laugh, giving up on actively trying to grind his elbow into Bucky’s spleen.  The little cuddly bundle that had been attached to Darcy’s side for eight hours uncurled from around her and stomped down to the other end of the bed.  She swatted her hands with unusual grace for a two year old, pushing Tony away from Bucky.  She gave them both a swat for good measure before plopping her chubby little body between the boys, her previous cuddling towards Darcy now being aimed at Bucky.

“Sorry, Nats,” Bucky said softly, wrapping his arms around the girl and cuddling her close.  

“No more fighting!” Darcy warned.  

“Say sowwy to mommy!” Natasha ordered Bucky.

“Sorry, ma,” Bucky said, appropriately ashamed.  He knew Darcy wasn’t his real ma.  Helen and Nat thought that she was.   But he and that mean jerk Tony knew better.  But she had taken care of them all day as best as she could while the other adults ran around trying to come up with a solution.  

Natasha gave her fiercest baby glare to Tony, who rolled his eyes.

“She ain’t my mother!” Tony insisted.  “I don’t got to listen to her, and that poophead over there needs his face smashed in!  He was naughty!”

Bucky shrank in on himself.  He knew he had been naughty.  Even if Tony was a stinky butt nugget, he had the right to punish him,  Darcy’s heart stung at the sight of Bucky going nearly compliant in his silent agreement with Tony.

“Tony’s mean!” Helen cried out anxiously.

“Tony isn’t mean,” Darcy said softly.  “Tony had his feelings hurt very badly, and he’s taking it out on Bucky.  Tony deserves to be angry and sad, but he needs to learn to be angry and sad in a better way, where he doesn’t hurt other people.”

Natasha nodded in agreement, and hugged Bucky closer to her.  

“You’re a dumb face!” Tony glared at Darcy.  “And you’re not my mommy!”

“Tony.”

All four children went stony at the authoritative voice that had muttered a single word.  Darcy felt a calm go through her and she didn’t quite know why.  Maybe because finally, she had some backup.  

Steve Rogers stood at the doorway to his bedroom, his arms laden down with bags as he looked at Tony with a gentle, but stern expression.  Steve had been eavesdropping ever since Darcy had started her storytime.  He hadn’t meant to creep around the young woman who had hustled the four children out of the medical labs earlier that day, mouthing off to the scientists who were poking and prodding at the four crying little ones.  She’d taken charge, cuddled a sobbing Bucky close to her along with Natasha before marching with all four kids to the largest quarters on the premises.   His .

She’d been a whirlwind since then, sending him and Barton off a few hours ago to procure what was necessary to make the children comfortable for as long as they were children.  

Darcy Lewis was something of a mystery to him.  He had realized before the events of last spring that somewhere on the Avenger’s payroll was a babysitter.  That was the description.   Darcy Lewis, official team babysitter .

When he had asked Clint about it months ago, the archer had just laughed.  Darcy wasn’t a babysitter for his kids.  Darcy was the babysitter of the Avengers.  It had been a position that Phil  Coulson had created prior to the Avengers forming, and he had been actively trying to recruit Darcy to that position back in 2012.  Steve didn’t know it at the time, but after some research, it was clear that Darcy had been taking care of Thor, Tony, Bruce, Natasha and Clint.  

Even further digging revealed that she had been taking care of him as well, silently and in the background.  His back pay had been tensely negotiated with the US government.  His contracts with SHIELD prior to the Hydra reveal had been through dozens of revisions that had been initiated by her.  She’d even set him up with his apartment in DC.  All without ever having met him.

Steve wondered if she hadn’t been on Asgard at the time of the Accords, if things wouldn’t have been a little different.  

She had arrived back on Earth two months ago with news of Ragnarok.  She had been the unifying cause between the two factions of the Avengers less than a month ago so that they could stop the newest evil that had tried to infiltrate Earth, providing a far away asist to Thor and Bruce in Asgard, who were dealing with bigger things.  

He was certainly charmed by her.  She had a no nonsense attitude and an unshakeable moral compass.  But she was also fun, and lively and vivid in everything that she did.  And it also helped that she was very, very beautiful.  

But now she was in his bed, with four children who were now looking to her to mother them.  She looked a little frazzled around the edges, and definitely a little tired.  But now she had a hint of relief in her bright blue eyes, and she certainly looked happy to see him.

It made him puff up a bit inside, if he were being honest.  

“Tony, come here,” Steve said patiently.  “I think you and I should have a talk.”

“Tony is in trouble with Daddy!” Helen sing songed joyously.  

“Helen,” Darcy scolded lightly.  She held out her hand to Bucky and Natasha and she led all the children off of the bed.  “Let’s see what Uncle Clint and Steve brought back.  We can all get changed into comfy pj’s while Tony and Steve have a talk.”

“Daddy,” Natasha corrected Darcy patiently.  She smiled shyly at Steve and waved.  ‘Hi Daddy.”

“Hi, Natasha,” Steve smiled genuinely at the little girl who was keeping very close to Bucky, who was still looking morose.  “Hey Bucky, how are you feeling pal?”

Bucky shrugged in response, but there were the hints of tears in his eyes.  Steve looked to Darcy, lost and hurting and she gave him a soft smile in return and a little nod.  She would handle it.  

Tony refused to move from the bed, so Steve sighed and walked over to it, picking up the small six year old and hauling him over his shoulder and leaving Darcy and the others to go through the clothing and books and toys that Clint had insisted were age appropriate.

Tony wriggled against Steve and made annoyed and anxious sounds.

“You’re no better, you’re naughty too!” Tony insisted as Steve quickly walked them down the small hall of his quarters.

“C’mon, buddy.  Time to have a talk.”

Eight hours earlier

“This place is a sty!”

Darcy walked through the Science Division of the new Avenger’s Facility.  It really did look like it had recently been demolished.  There were pizza boxes and take out boxes littered in every available countertop, intermingling freely with beakers and machines.  Exposed wires were hanging out of most of those machines.  Over seventy-five percent of the labs looked like they had recently suffered an explosion, but there were scientists still working in them, no matter how charred they may be.

There were actually a pile of scientists and lab technicians asleep in one corner of a destroyed lab.

“HEY! NERDS!” Darcy called out.  “GO TO YOUR QUARTERS AND SLEEP OR I WILL BE FORCED TO HURT YOU OR GET SOMEONE APPROPRIATELY MUSCLEY TO HURT YOU!!!”

“I’ve missed your gentle touch, kid,” Clint smirked as he walked down the hall to meet her.  “Cap and the team are back, came in about five hours ago.  Cleanup at the site is done.  No mean nasties from Thor’s battle are gonna be coming to good ole Midgard.”

“Awesome,” Darcy grinned.  

“You did good, kiddo,” Clint patted her on her head.  He heard a crashing sound down the hall and he rolled his eyes.  “We really missed you these last eighteen months.”

Another crash and the sound of thundering footsteps.  Tony Stark’s shout of Lang!  Your shit is in my workshop! could be heard throughout the entire building.  

“Really missed you,” Clint sighed.  

“Is this Jane’s shit in here too?” Tony bellowed.  “Where the fuck is Darcy? She’s gonna straighten all of your asses out, and I’m gonna pop popcorn to munch on while I watch.  You all have no idea what that kid is---”

There was a flash of light.

Because there is always a flash of light.

The sonic boom had Clint pushing Darcy to the floor.  He gave her a sign asking if she was alright and she nodded before he took off towards the origin of the explosion.   Darcy tried to get her bearings about her, pulling herself up to standing as heavy, rapid footsteps came rushing up to her.

“Miss Lewis!” Steve called out as he came upon her and helped her to standing.  “Are you alright?”

“I’m okay,” Darcy nodded.  She smiled up at him and shrugged, “You get used to random  science explosions after a while.  I’m not too shabby at the duck and cover.”

“I can see that,” Steve gave her a shy little smile.

The sound of a baby wailing made both of their eyes widen to cartoonish size and they ran to the sound of it.  The origin point of the blast, Tony’s workshop.  Steve had made it there before Darcy and he was standing stock still, staring into the workshop.  When Darcy finally caught up to him, she completely understood why.  

There were four children standing in the workshop.  Two very little girls, one of them petite and delicate, drowning in a lab coat and a set of scrubs was sniffling and crying and looking around in confusion, pushing heavy black hair out of her eyes.  She looked like a very tiny Helen Cho.  

Wrapped around the good doctor’s tiny lookalike was an even younger little girl.  

If the catsuit pooled at the chubby two year old’s feet wasn’t evidence enough, the shock of bright red, wild curls framing her cherubic face like a halo was the exact shade of Natasha’s hair.  

“Mommy!” Helen wailed.  “Where’s my mommy?”

“She ran away cause you’re a cry baby!”

“HEY!” Darcy stepped in and stared down at the little six year old boy who was glaring at everyone and everything.  Brown eyes.  Brown hair.  Currently drowning in an AC/DC t-shirt.  “Tony Stark!  I know that you’re scared, but you apologize to Helen right now.”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” Steve whispered.  

“You’s supposed to cross yourself.”

Steve looked to the corner of the lab, and his mouth dropped in shock at the sight of the small boy.  He had been expertly hidden.  His  small hands holding up the overly large uniform he had yet to change out of after the debrief.  His metal hand.

“Bucky?” Steve whispered.  

“Stevie, I’m little now,” Bucky looked down at himself.  “What happened?”

“It was Lang! ” Tony announced loudly.  “He had his stupid experimental suit just laying around and stuff.  He made us little!”

“Mommy!” Helen cried out, making grabby hands at Darcy.  

Darcy reached down and picked her up, and with her came Natasha.

“It’s alright, Helen.  It’s okay,” Darcy promised as both girls clung to her.  

“Did assface Stark bellow my name again?”  Scott chirped cheerfully, walking into the lab.  “Woah, is it bring your kid to work day today?”

“Scott,” Steve said gently, looking down to where Bucky had very quietly snuck from his hiding place to hide behind Steve’s legs.  Steve’s hand fell naturally to the top of Bucky’s head, petting at thick brown hair that fell to the little boy’s neck.  “What happened here?”

“Uhm,” Scott looked around at the various children and he shrugged.  He opened his mouth and no sound came out, completely at a loss.  

“Scott,” Darcy said his name firmly, bringing him back to the situation at hand.  

“Holy Shit, Darcy, I shrunk the Avengers.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Two: Sorry is Not an Eraser

“Tony, I know that this is all very confusing.”

“Your face is very confusing.”

Steve pursed his lips and swallowed a sigh.  This circular conversation with an entirely too clever six-year-old boy was maddening.  If Steve hadn’t been told by Darcy earlier in the day that the quartet of little ones were mentally children as well as physically children, he would swear that Tony was the normal, forty-six year old Tony in his head.  His smartass ways knew no bounds.

“I’m sorry you’re a kid again, it seems like it’s frustrating, but you have to stop being so hurtful to everyone,” Steve advised softly.  “It’s important to try to be kind to others.”

“That seems like a big pile of doo-doo,” Tony sneered up at him.

“It’s not,” Steve insisted.  “It pays off to be good to other people, I promise.”

“What’s the point?” Tony shook his head.  “It feels good to be mean to Barnes because he was mean to me!”

“Tony,” Steve openly sighed.

“And you were mean to me too!” Tony insisted.  

“ Tony ,” Steve said again, with more authority in his voice.

“And stop using that DAD voice with me.  You ain’t my dad!” Tony’s voice increased with volume on every single word.  “Remember?  Cause that stinking Barnes ---he--- he did that bad thing!”

“Tony, I’m so sorry,” Steve said honestly as the little boy trembled with held back sobs.  Steve had a good idea that any words from him wouldn’t help at that point.  

So instead, he reached down, put his hands under Tony’s arms and hoisted him up.  The sheer shock of the fast, strong movement left Tony speechless and stock still for a moment as Steve wrapped him up in a fierce and strong hug.  One of Steve’s large hands were at the back of Tony’s head and the other one was on his back, holding him close even as Tony began to squirm and cry at the same time.

“It’s not fair!  It’s not fair!” Tony sobbed out, his words repeating and slurring together as they became nonsensical.  “I want my mom!  I want her!”

“I know, buddy, I know,” Steve soothed him.  “But she’s not here anymore, and you’re right, it’s not fair to you.  But I’m here.  And Darcy is here.  And I promise that between the two of us, and all of our friends, we’re going to take such good care of you.  I promise.”  

Tony sniffled in response as Steve stroked the boy’s back up and down.  Steve realized that Tony was still only wearing the adult sized ACDC t-shirt and the smallest shorts that Darcy could find in Jane’s still unpacked luggage.  The ensemble was finished off with a length of electrical tape to keep the shorts up.  All the children had been wearing ensembles similar to that, complete with electrical tape for the last eight hours.  It was the best that Darcy could do before she sent Clint and Steve away to the nearest store.

Clint had been invaluable there.  Having gone through it a couple of times, he knew exactly what the kids would need.  Steve had been absolutely blown away at the total of their very, very long receipt by the end of the shopping spree, but if Darcy and Clint said it was what was needed, he had no problem paying fifteen bucks a pop for little reusable water bottles with cartoon versions of the Avengers emblazoned on to them, or nearly clearing out entire shelves of tiny little underwear and socks, because Clint had said you can never have enough.

The disposable diapers he had balked at though.  They were wasteful and expensive to his depression era upbringing.  He had fashioned one for Natasha shortly after everything had happened when the two year old had calmly told him can’t poopy inna pottie, is scary .  Luckily, there were cloth diapers and pins at the store, and Clint had shrugged and said Laura had insisted on cloth as well for their kids.

Clint and Steve had talked about it on the drive back.  The kid situation.  The fact that Darcy would need a partner to help to take care of them until they could figure out a way to science them back to normal.  They also talked about the fact that Clint could not be that partner since he had three kids of his own to get back to as soon as possible.  Clint had warned Steve that it couldn’t be temporary until Rhodey returned from overseas where he and T’Challa were working with a panel of governments to amend the Accords.  

If you’re going to be a Dad, even if it’s because of some random shit-ass science exploding all over them, you’re going to be a Dad permanently.  Darcy could do it alone, but I don’t want to see that happening.  If you’re doing this, Rogers, you’re doing this until those little street urchins are all back to normal again.

Steve had thought of the way Bucky’s hands, both metal and flesh had scrunched up the fabric of Steve’s uniform pants as they waited in medical hours earlier.  He thought of they way Darcy managed to hold both Natasha and Helen and soothe them tirelessly as the medical personnel took measurements and asked questions and took blood samples that had made the little girls howl out with painful indignation.  He thought about the beautiful fierceness in Darcy’s face when she had declared that all the testing was done for good when Bucky had started to silently cry, before taking all the children back to Steve’s apartment.  He had thought about Tony, small and hurting and so angry still.

And he made a promise to Clint and to himself in that moment.  He would do anything to help.

“Hey buddy?” Steve said softly.  “I remember when your Dad made me big, that I had a pair of pants on that didn’t fit too well.  And I felt so much better when I changed into something comfortable.”

“I want pj’s,” Tony mumbled against Steve’s wet shoulder.

“I bought pj’s,” Steve promised.  “Iron man ones.”

“I want Hulk ones,” Tony shook his head.

“I picked up some of those too,” Steve promised.  He pulled away slightly to look Tony in the eye.  “For right now, you’re going to have to be around Bucky.  Now I know that Bucky is very sorry for what happened before with your parents.  Some very bad people made him do what he did.  But he’s still so sorry.”

“Sorry’s not an eraser,” Tony mumbled.  “Dad used to tell me that.”

“It’s not an eraser, you’re right,” Steve nodded.  “But it’s meant to give you some comfort.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Tony’s vulnerable moment was gone, and an overly mature glibness was back.  He wiggled against Steve until he was placed back on the ground.  “I don’t got to like him.”

“No, you don’t,” Steve nodded.  “But you do have to be civil and you shouldn’t pick fights with him.”

“FINE,” Tony huffed out.

“Tony, if you don’t want to stay with us, we can have some other people come in, to watch over you separately,” Steve suggested, knowing he was asking for a lot to have a six year old boy be in close quarters with his parents' murderer, brainwashing or not.  “Rhodey said he could make it back in a week.”

“But Darcy is the best one to take care of us!” Tony disputed hotly.  “Why should I not get her as my new mom when the other kids get to have her!  I’m the one that pays her all her monies, then she has to watch ME first.”

“I could call Pepper for you,” Steve suggested.

“ NO!!” Tony shouted.  “No, no, don’t do that.  I’ll---I’ll stop picking fights with Barnes.  Okay?  I’ll be nice.”

“Okay, Tony,” Steve smiled down at him in encouragement.  “But if you get upset, you come to me or Darcy and we’ll talk about it, okay?”

“Fine.”

When Steve and Tony walked back into the bedroom, it was to quite a scene.  All three children looked clean and fresh in their correctly fitting pajamas.  Darcy was sitting on the bed again, with Helen leaning into her side and Natasha on her lap.  Both of the little girls were giggling madly and Darcy’s laughter was loud and clear as a bell in the bedroom that had never seen such joy before.

Bucky was standing on the bed, clad in smart little red, white and blue Captain America pajamas, his hands on his hips as he moved them around in a spasmic little circle.  

And on top of his head were a pair of Black Widow underpants.

“Whistle while you work, do do doo do do doo dooo!” Bucky sang out, much to the delighted amusement of the ladies on the bed.

Steve and Tony watched from the open doorway, with nearly identical looks of amused disbelief on their faces as Bucky didn’t stop his silly singing and dancing, even gaining more energy and verve as Helen and Natasha’s giggling grew more powerful and delighted.  Steve could very clearly remember being very young, and being used as free entertainment for Bucky’s little sister.  Steve had been great at pulling faces that made the baby girl giggle, and Bucky had been great at singing songs and doing funny little dances that never failed to make the baby be absolutely joyful, no matter how uncomfortable the teething had been at the time.  

“James so funny!” Natasha clapped her hands together before hysterically giggling once more.  She was getting to the point of hysteria when she suddenly stopped and pointed at the door.  “Daddy, look!  Laughin’!”

“I see that,” Steve smiled.  His eyebrows went up into his hairline when Bucky turned to face the doorway, the silly dancing continuing despite Steve and Tony’s arrival.  

“Helen started to cry, because she was scared to go to sleep in a strange bed,” Darcy explained.  “And then Natasha started to cry too.  Bucky did a very nice thing and made the girls laugh.”

“Bucky’s the funniest!” Helen hiccupped in between giggles.  

“Hey, that’s not true,” Tony huffed out.  “I’m the funniest.”

“Well, Tony, Bucky’s the only one trying to be funny right now,” Darcy said, with only the slightest hint of teasing.  

“I’m really funny too!” Tony insisted.  

“Can you make a funny face?” Bucky asked with soft curiosity.  

“Plllllppp,” Tony made a little raspberry sound with his tongue as he rolled his eyes.  He hopped up on the bed next to the very silly looking Bucky, who still was wearing underwear as a hat.  Tony stuck his fingers in his mouth to stretch it out ridiculously and crossed his eyes. “Tttheeee!  Funny!”

“You look funny, Tony!” Helen called out joyously.

Natasha giggled again, right back on to the point of hysteria in no time flat as Bucky continued his dancing and Tony continued his silly faces.  Steve looked to Darcy, who had a fond, though tired look on her face as she watched the boys’ antics.  She really was lovely.  Her pretty blue sweater matched the color of her eyes.  And the ketchup on that sweater  that Natasha had flung on her earlier in the day when making ketchup and french fry art matched her pretty, pouty lips.  The heavy rimmed glasses on her face were covered with small fingerprints.  And the jeans that fit her every curve so beautifully were splattered with brightly colored juice that Helen had always been fond of, as an adult and as a child.

Steve knew without a doubt that she was absolutely gorgeous inside and out.  He hadn’t wanted to entertain the idea of dating again after Sharon broke things off amicably with him in Wakanda shortly after Bucky went back into the cryofreeze again.  She had told him then that they wanted different things.  Natasha, a grown up Natasha, had patted him on the shoulder, told him that getting told that was an important 21st century rite of passage.  And told him that he was now one day closer to finding someone to truly share his life with.  

And if Natasha had said that to him, quietly and with so much feeling while staring at Bucky in the cryofreeze chamber, well, Steve didn’t say anything at the time.  He also didn’t say anything when she had spent the following five weeks tracking down every single handler who had ever worked with the Winter Soldier, finding every last remaining trigger out there while Bucky slept peacefully in Wakanda.  And Steve said nothing still when Natasha was right by his side when Bucky came out of cryofreeze a few days after Darcy had arrived and told them to start charging their lasers  for the big fight.

Natasha had returned the favor when she had said nothing the first time Steve had gotten lost in thought while staring at Darcy four days after she had returned.  The former intern and official Avenger’s babysitter had just given Tony a stern talking to as he put up a fuss about working with Steve’s faction of Avengers, and in particular, Bucky.  She’d taken Iron Man to task verbally and had the man promising to play nice in less than five minutes.  

“Daddy love you,” Natasha cooed in Darcy’s ear right at that moment.  

So much for her returning the favor again and keeping her adorable mouth shut.  Adult Natasha definitely had discretion that baby Natasha did not.  Darcy caught him staring at her with a definite look of beguilement and he felt his cheeks turning rapidly red.

“Ooooooooooooooooooo!” Bucky pointed at Steve’s reddened face.  He knew that blush.  Even at six years old, he knew what it meant.  Stevie had a crush.

“That’s gross.  That’s so...that’s ick!” Tony called out.  “Do you know she’s got girl parts?  I mean...gross!”

“Thank you, Tony,” Darcy rolled her eyes.  “Why don’t you get changed, then it’s time to brush teeth and THEN, it’s time for sleepy byes.”

“I don’t have to brush my teeth!” Helen called out.  “I brushed them afore.”

“Really?  When was that exactly?” Darcy asked knowingly.

“Yesterdays,” Helen mumbled.

“Nice try, kiddo, up and at them!”

This was one of the most difficult extraction missions he had ever done.  

And Clint had done an awful lot of them.

But this was the by far the most impossible.  

Clint bit at his bottom lip as he managed to gently move Bucky’s metal arm up and away from Steve’s bicep so that Steve could ease his way out of the bed.  Clint had spent ten minutes unwrapping a tiny, sleeping Tony from Steve’s legs.  The children had been read five bedtime stories in a row.  Darcy had sung eight lullabies, resorting to love songs when she ran out of traditional lullabies.  Extra blankets had been obtained.  One last sip of water had been granted.  And then, after a final bathroom break, one by one, each child dropped off into dreamland.  

But not before wrapping themselves around Darcy and Steve.  Bucky had clung to Steve’s arm, while Tony had clung to Steve’s legs like a little monkey.  Steve tucked a blanket around Bucky tenderly before looking to Darcy, who Clint was trying to free from the tenacious holds of Natasha and Helen, who both had little arms wrapped Darcy’s torso.  

“Mommy no,” Natasha mumbled in her sleep.

“Mommy will be right back,” Darcy promised as Clint managed to move Helen to a pillow and get a warm blanket around her.  

“Nats, honey, let go of mommy,”Steve whispered, running a hand over wild red curls.  “We’ll be right back, I promise.”

“Kay, Daddy,” Natasha mumbled  before allowing Steve to roll her away and tuck her in properly while Clint helped Darcy climb over a nearly comatose Helen.  

Clint signed something to Darcy, and Steve knew that once everything was settled, his next immediate goal would be to learning sign language.  It came in handy, apparently.  

“Run for it,” Darcy whispered to Steve, grabbing his hand and rushing for the door.  

Steve didn’t have more than a moment to savor the feeling of her hand in his.  (It was small, but soft.   So soft.)  As soon as they hit the hallway and the bedroom door had closed behind them, Darcy was off like a rocket down the hall.

“Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom!” Darcy whispered frantically.

“Heh,” Clint chuckled.  “The mom bathroom dance.  On her first day too, Laura will be so proud.”

“Mom bathroom dance?” Steve blinked.

“She’s been with those kids for eight hours straight.  When do you think she managed to use the bathroom?” Clint wondered.

“Geez,” Steve ran a hand through his hair.  “Poor Darcy.  And Laura.  And moms everywhere.”

“Yeah,” Clint smiled fondly at the memories of many early days where Laura would throw a child at him the moment he walked through the door before making a run for the bathroom.  “Moms everywhere have bladders of steel.”

“What else can I do?” Steve asked softly.  “It’s only been a day and she’s done so much.”

“Natasha was right,” Clint shook his head in disbelief.

“She’s two ,” Steve disputed.

“Not baby Nats, grownup Nats,” Clint smirked.  “She said you had a crush and told Laura she was going to help you out.”

“Busy body,” Steve huffed out a sigh.  He gave Clint a rueful smirk and said, “Sure, I like her, a lot.”

“Oh, don’t do a but.  Don’t be a buts, Steve,” Clint gave him a pleading look.

“But, for the last two months, we’ve kind of been in a lot of danger trying to save the world,” Steve reminded Clint helpfully.  “And now, when I thought it might be a good idea to ask her out to dinner, suddenly---”

“You have four children together,” Clint finished.  “Well, I will tell you, that you’ll get used to it quick.  And you’re gonna find the time for romance.”

“You still have time to romance Mrs. Barton?” Steve asked knowingly.

“I have an eighteen month old baby at home that proves it,” Cint waggled his eyebrows.  “And speaking of, I’m sure Laura needs to do a bathroom dance of her own.  Wanda and Vision are in command central with Maria.  They’ll be bringing in the best and the brightest to get these kids all growed up.”

“And Lang?” Steve wondered.

Clint chuckled and shook his head slowly.  “Lang is on Wilson retrieval.  He drew the short straw.”

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey buddy.  You look great.  Nice and rested.  Totally refreshed.  You look like you got good news.  Did you get good news?  What did you have to go to South Korea for anyway?  I mean, was it for Bulgogi?  Because I know a place that has super good Bulgogi, you didn’t have to go all the way to South Korea for it.”

“Tic tac!” Sam interrupted.  “I had to visit Helen’s only family.  Her grandfather, he raised her, but he’s ninety-one years old.  He’s not exactly good to travel, you know.”

“OH.  Did you try bulgogi, though?” Scott wondered.  “Also...why did you hae to visit her family?”

“I wanted to ask a question,” Sam smiled.  He had left the last big battle on a separate quinjet going directly to South Korea so that he could ask.  He’d come within an inch of sure death during the battle the day before and he knew, he knew that he had to start living his life before heroics tried to take it away.  He knew that there was one thing he wanted to do more than anything.  “I wanted to ask him for permission to ask Helen to marry me.”

“Oh.”

Scott stood stock still on the tarmac.  A whole thirty seconds passed by in silence before he shook his head in disbelief.

“You can’t.”

“Why?”

“Cause of reasons.”

“And those reasons would be?”

“Cause she’s four years old, dude.  She’s a freaking baby! You can’t marry a baby!”

Chapter Text

Chapter Three:   Nice to Meet You

"Holy Shit."

"Watch your mouth around the fucking kids," Steve muttered at the man who had been staring from the doorway to Steve's bedroom at the large bed that had four very different team members sprawled on it in deep slumber.

Darcy rolled her eyes at the exchange between Sam and Steve.  Sam had arrived an hour ago, bursting into the room at a full sprint, looking desperate and terrified and not at all sorry that he had walked in on Darcy cuddled against Steve's shoulder as she dozed off during a viewing of the evening news programs.  He had been in the doorway to Steve's bedroom ever since, his emotions cycling on a never ending loop.

At first he would just shake his head, taking in deep breaths as he looked over each of his teammates.  Stark, who he would have never mistaken for anyone else.  Except for the lack of manscaping, he looked identical to what he looked like as an older man.  Including the little mischievous bent to his mouth he had even when he was snoring like a chainsaw.

Natasha was barely identifiable.  But that was mostly because she was sleeping with the entirety of her face smashed into the bed.  Her little, compact body was curved in an S shape with her little butt in the air and he could see a diaper peeking from under her little bright red nightgown. One of her chubby hands was thrust out across the bed, gripping onto something metal.

Barnes.  Barnes was fucking heartbreaking .

He was curled in the fetal position, which Sam knew for a fact that the grown up Barnes did whenever he could catch any non cryo-freeze induced sleep.  At least the six year old wasn't shaking, as the grownup Bucky was prone to do whenever he would dream the horrible dreams that plagued him.  As a child though, it was disturbing to see him curled in on himself, hiding his whole face with long brown hair.  The much smaller metal arm was stretched out to Natasha and held her hand tightly in sleep.  

And finally, his eyes would land on Helen.   Helen Cho, visionary of the medical sciences.  Helen Cho, bravest woman he had ever known.  Helen Cho, who had fought against the control of an infinity gem in order to try and help to defeat Ultron less than two years ago.  

Helen Cho was sucking her thumb in her sleep.

Helen Cho was a four year old and she was currently sprawled out like a starfish on the bed, save for her right hand, which was occupied in the aforementioned thumbsucking.

Sam would start the cycle with bewilderment.  Quickly it would turn into a sort of bemused fascination with the tiny version of the woman that he knew was the great love of his life.  She was adorable.  When he had taken his spur of the moment trip to South Korea, Helen's grandfather had shown him multiple photo albums of Helen growing up.  

She had the same heavy, blunt bangs that she had had in the pictures of her going to her first day of kindergarten.  He had thought the pictures were adorable, but seeing it in real life made him want to reach out and ruffle the hair off of her forehead.

Almost immediately, Sam's emotional cycle would go to worry.  What if she stayed like this?  Would he have to wait to see if maybe in twenty years she might like him a little and maybe want to go on a date or something?  Would he have to go into cryo-freeze to wait for her?  Because he would, he knew that.  If this was permanent, he'd have to ask Barnes about what it was really like, because there was no way he was going to wait twenty-odd years to have the woman he wanted to be his life partner somewhat back to normal.  

From worry, it was easy to slide into panic.  Sam immediately thought of the millions of things that could happen to a tiny four year old child with the way his life had gone the last couple of years.  He couldn't exactly ensure that she would always be safe.  At least as an adult, he knew Helen was strong and capable.  She had survived Ultron.  She had helped in the effort to keep Ragnorok out of Midgard.  She was the second best female on base when it came to the obstacle course that Natasha had insisted all civilians go through three times a week.  (The fastest was Darcy.  No one understood how Darcy did it.  She hated physical activity, but she had zipped through the course that first week she had come back from Asgard.  Sam suspected she was cheating.)

Sam had to figure out a way to get his lady back to normal.  Scott was right.  He couldn't marry a baby.  And he really wanted to marry Helen.  

He would then look to Tony, knowing that if the genius was back to normal, he and Jane and Helen and whoever else that had the brains about them could start to work on a solution.  But Tony was a little baby  too.

And Sam would swear out loud and the whole cycle would start again.

"What's she remember?" Sam finally broke the cycle, looking to Darcy and Steve curiously.

"Not much," Darcy admitted.  "Natasha remembers nothing.  She thinks she's just a baby and that Steve and I are her parents.  Helen thinks that too, but she knows that Steve's a superhero and, I quote here, that we all save the world a lot .  Bucky and Tony remember more---"

"I don't care what those little fuckers remember, I care about what Helen remembers," Sam interrupted, a spike of panic coming in.  He shook it off and shrugged, "I didn't mean that.  I'm just---does she remember me?"

"I don't know," Steve answered honestly.  "We didn't ask her."

"We can find out in the morning, when they wake up," Darcy gave Sam an encouraging smile.  

"Yeah," Sam nodded.  "What about Bucky and Tony?  Tony still pissed?"

"He's not handling it well," Steve admitted.  "He keeps saying that Bucky and I did bad things.  I don't think his mind can comprehend death or murder, or exactly what Hydra made Bucky do, but there's animosity there."

"Fantastic," Sam said sarcastically.  He pinched the bridge of his nose before looking back at the children on the bed, shaking his head in disbelief.  "Holy shit."

"Okay, it's like, one in the morning, and I'm exhausted," Darcy finally cut in, before Sam could go through his cycle again. "And we're going to have to be awake in like, four hours, so maybe we should all get some shut eye while we can."

"Four hours?" Sam furrowed his brow.

"Clint said Natasha probably wouldn't sleep much past five," Steve revealed.  "And Helen would probably be up with the dawn, too."

"Jesus," Sam blew out.  "Okay, I'll---I'm going to go for a drive.  I'm too wired, and my body clock is all whacked out of place.  Maybe I'll go to town and pick up those breakfast pastries Helen likes so much and bring them back."

"Uhm, she's four," Darcy reminded him helpfully.  "No offense, but just bring back donuts. With sprinkles.  Actually, ask them for sprinkles only, like in a to go cup, that'd probably work.  She's got a bit of a sweet tooth right now.  And she might eat the oatmeal if I put sprinkles in it."

"Alright," Sam nodded.   He turned back to get one last glimpse, a soft smile coming on his face.  Helen's grandfather had asked if he would be getting great grandchildren before he turned 100.  Sam had been hopeful that it would happen.  He and Helen had talked about it pretty early on and it was something that they both wanted.  Well.  He was about to get a crash course in little kids, courtesy of his future intended.  

Darcy and Steve watched him go before Darcy turned to Steve with a hesitant look.  She shook it off quickly and said with all the subtlety of a freight train,

"Look, we're both exhausted.  You have one bed made up in your guest bedroom," Darcy nodded her head in the direction of the empty bedroom next to the one that the kids were in.  "Let me be clear, you are NOT sleeping on the couch.  And if we try to get back in bed with the kids right now, they will wake up at one in the morning.  So.  C'mon.  Let's go to bed.  Fair warning?  I'm a snuggly snuggler who snuggles  when I'm exhausted.  Jane said it was mostly appropriate snuggling, but Thor totally blushed about it, so I really doubt it."

Darcy was not an appropriate sleepy snuggler.  Five minutes into her REM cycle and she rolled in the smaller bed of the guest bedroom, right into his body.  She adapted quickly though, throwing her leg across his hip and her arm across his chest.  Steve managed to move his arm so it was wrapped around her rather than trapped under her.  

He had one thought before drifting off into the best four hours of sleep he had ever gotten in his very long life.

He could get used to this.

Steve woke up to the very strange sensation of incredibly tiny fingers pinching at his eyelids.

"Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy."

Steve swallowed a chuckle as Natasha continued to try to pull his eyelids up and open as she continued to just repeat saying Hey in varying lengths and volumes.  He wondered if she had climbed out of bed and found them on her own, but was soon answered when another body climbed onto the small bed.

"Nats, leave 'em alone," Bucky whispered.  "C'mon, I'll go get you breakfast."

"Daddy and mommy is so cute," Natasha said cheerfully.

"Yeah, they're something alright," Bucky said with a sort of wryness that seemed wrong for a six year old.  "Daddy really likes Mommy."

"Cute cute cute cute cute," Natasha repeated as she finally stopped poking at Steve's eyeballs and let Bucky lead her off of the bed.

Steve remained in the bed, mostly because he wanted to soak up some more of the feel of Darcy snoring against his neck.  He really couldn't even think of moving just yet.  His body was still mending from the fight that had wrapped up less than thirty-six hours ago.  And then of course.   Darcy .  She wriggled in her sleep as she slowly surfaced into wakefulness and without realizing it, Steve's hand started to move up and down her back in soothing, gentle swipes.  

"G'morning," she whispered into his neck.  "You smell nice."

"Uhm. Thanks?" Steve answered back.  "Just plain old ivory soap, nothing fancy."

"Adorable old geezer," Darcy mumbled.  

"I try," Steve said dryly.  "You sleep well?"

"Ridiculously so," Darcy admitted truthfully. "You?"

"Best night of sleep in my life," Steve blurted out, then felt his face redden.  

"Was I dreaming, or did I hear Bucky say he was going to get Natasha breakfast?" Darcy wiggled a little so that she could look Steve in the eye, her nose smashed slightly into his jaw.

"Oh, yeah, she tried to wake me up, and Bucky rescued me," Steve nodded, his face moving so that her nose was pressed a little higher on his face, with his mouth being inexplicably closer to hers.  "It's kind of a thing he does, rescues me when he can, even at six."

"Adorable old geezers," Darcy repeated, her lips moving against his skin at this point.

And then she suddenly went from cuddling against him to sitting bolt upright in the bed.  Steve's body screamed out for the loss of her sleep warm curves against him and his hands itched to grab her by the waist and pull her back down on top of him.  Instead he swallowed deeply as he watched the way the brown curls at the top of her head stood completely upright nearly two inches high as she stared at him in sudden panic.  

"Bucky's gonna make breakfast? Jesus Christ, Steve, he's six!" she fretted before rolling over top of him to get out of the bed.

Steve wondered why she didn't roll out on her side, but would never complain because he doubted there was anything better than feeling her smash her body on top of his.  This time, his hand did reach out for her as her feet hit the floor and she made a run for it.  He quickly got out of bed too, and followed her faithfully out of the room and towards his modest little kitchen in his quarters.

"MORE!" Natasha called out.

"Okie dokie," Bucky nodded before taking the can of whipped cream spray that grown up Tony had insisted every fridge be stocked with in the facility.  Natasha opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue and Bucky sprayed a more than liberal amount of the whipped cream into Natasha's mouth.

He then reached for a container of sprinkles and dumped as many as he could on top of the whipped cream before Natasha closed her mouth and happily ate the copious amounts of sugar.  She was already a mess, with globs of whipped cream and sprinkles all over her night gown.  Her hands were covered in chocolate and her red curls looked like they were comprised of half smashed up donut and half hair.

The rest of the kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off.

"It was five minutes," Steve whispered.

Five minutes had been enough time for Bucky and Natasha to completely destroy the fridge.  The gallon of milk was laying on the floor busted open, rivers of white going every which way on the floor.  There was also a large amount of cereal amongst the milky rivulets, Steve's favorite frosted shredded wheat soaking up some of the milk like sponges.  

All of the previously spoiled takeout containers that had been in Steve's fridge since before the start of their two month long mission were also on the floor, looking like they had been inspected and found clearly wanting.  A pizza box was flung open on the floor, and the pizza was missing.  A quick look to the left found that all of the stale and spoiled pizza had been put into a water filled bowl, as if the water would somehow bring it back to life.

Sam had obviously dropped off the donuts sometime in the middle of the night.  There were two big boxes sitting on the counter next to Natasha.  The one on the bottom looked unharmed, but the top one was open, and there were two small bites taken out of every donut in the dozen.  On some of them, like the coconut cream, one of the bites looked to be spat back right on top of the donut.

"MORE!" Natasha demanded.

"More, what?" Bucky prompted, hoping to teach the two year old his original mother had drilled into him at an early age.

"MORE NOW!" Natasha answered.

"Good 'nough," Bucky shrugged, going to give her more whipped cream.  He looked up suddenly and saw Steve and Darcy standing and looking at the mess in shock before smiling at them as he gave Natasha more whipped cream.  He looked a little guilty before shrugging, "You don't got good food for babies here."

"Oh, so sugar is good food for babies?" Darcy asked as Bucky added the sprinkles to Natasha's mouth.

A sudden sparking began from the corner of the kitchen where Steve had his microwave.  

"SPLOSION!" Natasha called out a cheerful warning before Bucky grabbed her quickly, dropped to the floor and covered her little body with his own.

Steve went into immediate action, rushing for his shield, which was propped up against the kitchen counter and covered with the runoff whipped cream and sprinkles.  He flung it for the power cord of the microwave, cutting off the energy and stopping the foil wrapped leftovers that Bucky had obviously tried warming from sparking and crackling.

"Pal, you can't put foil in the microwave," Steve advised Bucky, as he stood up, now he too was covered in all the various foodstuffs, as well as Natasha.  He gave the shaken boy an understanding smile.  "That was a lesson I had to learn too when I woke up in the future."

Darcy gave him an indulgent look before shaking her head in exasperation at the mess.  Natasha kept on shouting for MORE from her place on the floor, where her cloth diaper was currently soaking up what Darcy was sure was spoiled milk.  The baby grew impatient and grabbed the canister of whipped cream from Bucky and let loose, covering her whole face with the stuff.

Steve picked up the baby and attempted to pull the can of whipped cream away from her, and only managed to get a face full of the stuff himself.  

Darcy laughed as Steve tried to blink the whipped cream from his eyes and said, "And your new lesson for your first full day of parenthood is that you never leave children in the kitchen unattended."

"This is usually my thing," Steve's voice rang out through the gym.  

Sam stopped his pummeling of the heavy punching bag and took a deep breath.

"Sorry man, I don't mean to step on your territory, but I'm seriously freaking the fuck out," Sam sighed.

"Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck."

Sam froze and turned around, cringing when he saw Natasha on Steve's shoulders, her chubby arms wrapped around his head, her chin digging into his skull as she gaily repeated the swear word.  Bucky was clinging to one of Steve's legs and Tony was clinging to the other as the man walked through the gym.  

"Good job, Wilson," Bucky rolled his eyes, the bro-nemy vibe obviously translating into Bucky’s munchkin state.  He looked up the long slope of Steve's body and said, "Nats, that's not a nice word."

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," Natasha smiled happily, knowing very well that it wasn't a nice word and not really giving a fuck.

"Hey, why don't you guys go and tumble around on the mats over there?" Steve asked, not bothering to chastise Natasha as it would have been wasted breath.  He was learning very, very quickly, that as adorable as Natasha was, she was also equally as headstrong and solely dedicated to doing whatever she could want.  He placed Natasha on the ground and pretended to shake Tony and Bucky from his legs.  

Natasha was off like a rocket, rushing towards the mats that were usually reserved for sparring.  She began running and jumping while Bucky and Tony tried to teach her how to do somersaults.  

"She had more than twice her body weight in sugar for breakfast this morning," Steve explained.  "Darcy told me to get her properly tuckered out so we can try to put her down for an early nap."

"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have just let those donuts there," Sam shrugged.  "I was just...you know.  Not ready to see her."

"Understood," Steve nodded.  "She's upstairs in Darcy's office with her, they're making a grocery order through FRIDAY.  Helen...she's so helpful.  When she woke up this morning, all she wanted to do was help clean up all the rotten milk on my kitchen floor, even though she didn't make the mess."

"Rotten milk on the kitchen floor?" Sam furrowed his brow.

"Yeah, it was a whole thing.  Rule number one, never leave children unattended for longer than a minute," Steve sighed, looking back to the mats as Bucky successfully helped Natasha on tucking her little body into a front roll.  "Are you going to want to say hello to Helen?"

"Dunno," Sam said honestly.  "Scared she won't recognize me.  Scared she WILL recognize me.  Just.  How do you introduce yourself to the four year old version of your girlfriend?  Fucking Lang, man.  I could murder him."

“If it helps, Darcy woke him up at 5:15 this morning and made him clean up the kitchen,” Steve offered.  “And he has to wash Natasha’s diapers.”

“Fuck, that’s not too shabby,” Sam shrugged.

"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck," Natasha chanted as she continued to roll with Bucky's help.  

"Hey, enhanced hearing," Steve reminded Sam.  They had both fallen victim to an adult Natasha's eavesdropping before.  

"That translates over to babyhood?" Sam wondered.

"Everything translates over," Steve revealed.  "Bucky didn't mean to make such a mess this morning in the kitchen, his metal hand broke the gallon jug of milk and five other containers without meaning to.  And Tony---hold on, where's Tony?  TONY!"

"LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO!" Tony called out from high above.

Tony was high above the others, nearly to the top of the two story high gym ceiling, with both of his hands jammed into one Iron Man gauntlet as he shakily flew across the length of the gym.  He was dangerously unbalanced.

"SHIT!" Sam shouted.  "Get down here, Stark!"

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit," Natasha parroted helpfully as she and Bucky watched with wide and delighted eyes as Tony continued to repulse himself along the top of the ceiling.  Bucky had the good grace to wince every time Tony accidentally rammed his head into the ceiling when he used too much thrust.

Steve and Sam both panicked, rushing around the gym, trying to follow Tony's erratic flight path with their arms wide out, in a preemptive attempt to catch him.  They bumped heads spectacularly, and Sam nearly felt like he was concussed thanks to Steve's very hard skull.  

"The wings, Sam, the wings!" Steve pushed him away.

Sam nodded and rushed towards the go room that doubled as a locker room.  He grabbed his pack and started to put it on, rushing back into the gym and popping the wings out to full span in less than a minute.  Steve was still desperately following Tony's flight path, his arms still outstretched.

"Tony, get down, right now!" Steve called out anxiously, his voice wobbly and nervous.  

"I'm great at this!" Tony called out.  He hit his head against the ceiling again and felt his balance go wildly askew.  "Ow."

"ANTHONY EDWARD STARK GET DOWN HERE!" Steve shouted, in a full blown panic.  

"I'M IRON MAN!" Tony yelled back at him as Sam approached him slowly.  "YOU CAN'T CATCH ME, BIRD BRAIN!"

"You're Iron BOY," Sam corrected him.  "And when I catch you, I'm sticking you in the corner for being naughty."

"These are mines anyway!" Tony huffed out as he led Sam on a merry, slow chase around the ceiling of the gym, Steve still following from below with his arms outstretched.  "I can use 'em anyway cause I made 'em and stuff!"

"MOMMY!  SHIT AND FUCK AND SHIT AND FUCK!" Natasha called out gaily.  "Tony flyin."

Steve gave Darcy a desperate look as she stood at the door with Helen in her arms.  Tiny Helen pointed to Sam in the sky and shouted,

"That's my boyfriend!  He flew with me afore!"

"Yup, congratulations, he's a moron," Darcy shook her head.  "FRIDAY?"

"Yes, Darcy?"

"Kill the navigation thrusters on Tony's gauntlet, override protocol, Darcy's great and Tony stinks, passcode 7418," Darcy advised.  "Keep him in one spot please."

FRIDAY did just that, and Sam finally caught up to Tony and grabbed him quickly before taking him down to the ground.  Darcy put Helen down on the ground so that she could run up to Sam and hold her arms up to him.  

"HI! HI! HI!" She bounced up and down on the tips of her toes.  "I'M HELEN AND YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND! WE CAN HUG AND STUFF! NICE TO MEET YOU!"

Sam bent to his knees and couldn't help the big smile on his face as Helen continued to bounce in front of him, clearly overjoyed at seeing him.  He opened his arms up to her and she gave him a big hug.

"Hey boyfriend?" she asked, her little voice muffled against the straps of his pack.  

"Yes, Helen?" Sam wondered.

"Can you take me flying like you took Tony flying?"  Helen wondered.  She pulled away and looked up at him and batted her eyelashes at him.  "Please, please please?"

"Alright," Sam smiled, always a sucker for her pleases.  He picked her up and chuckled when she clung to his chest like a howler monkey before taking off.

"Wilson, you're an idiot!" Steve yelled.  "THAT'S NOT SAFE!"

"You're never safe," Bucky disputed.  "Big dummy."

"MY TURN!" Natasha yelled, running around the mat in big circles.  "MY TURN! MY TURN!"

"Don't worry, honey," Darcy patted Steve on the bicep consolingly.  "Sam will probably not break out the wings again anytime soon.  He's about to have to fly all four of them around for the next ten hours or so."

"MY TURN!" Bucky, Tony and Natasha all called out in unison.

Steve gave Darcy a little smirk and inspiration struck as he lifted up his arm and wrapped it around her shoulders.  She probably didn't realize just how much work went into Sam flying his pack.  He was essentially planking in midair for long periods of time.  

"Hey FRIDAY?" Darcy wondered trying not to blush and failing miserably as Steve cuddled her to his side.  "Did you happen to get that whole Tony flying, Steve running around debacle on film?"

"Of course, Darcy," FRIDAY answered faithfully.  "I've already sent the gif's to your phone."

"AWESOME."

Chapter Text

Chapter Four: Pasghetti and Meatballs

Steve wasn't a great cook.  He would never be invited to Celebrity Kitchen Madness, Superhero Edition, like Sam had been nine months ago (he came in second place to Johnny Storm thanks to a slightly over cooked octopus tentacle and the fact that Johnny Storm didn't use the oven, just heated things up with flaming hands and a lascivious wink to the judges).  But Steve was serviceable enough in the kitchen and was awful good at making something from nothing.  He had done it a lot in the good ole days when Bucky would be pulling an extra shift and Steve had had to transform potato peels into something to eat.

He had a few go to dishes in his arsenal, though.  Four different kinds of soups and stews he could make from memory.  He could roast a chicken like a champ (that skill was new and he had learned from the Barefoot Contessa personally.  She had been horrified that he had said in an article that he boiled them).  And if you gave him a potato, he could whip you up something pretty impressive.  But by far, the best dish he made was a spaghetti bolognese.  He was great at it.

Steve noticed pretty quickly that Darcy, perhaps, did not have the best kitchen skills.  He knew she could bake.  He'd been the lucky recipient of a cobbled together super cookie that she had cooked in a toaster oven three weeks ago during a lull in the fighting at a safe house in the Alps.  One bite of it had him moaning in delight that had Darcy flushing on the tips of her ears and Bucky chuckling helplessly into his hand.  

But just like the judge on that cooking show Sam had been on for charity had said, cooking and baking were two entirely different things.

Suppertime was coming around on the third day of their new adventures in parenthood and Steve returned to his quarters after a quick debrief with the scientists and Hill, who were all working on getting the quartet of children back to their normal ages.  Sam had been deployed after the meeting, going out to pick up Selvig and Pym to try and get a few more brilliant minds on the problem.

Darcy had Natasha on her hip and Bucky to the left of her on a little stool.  Helen and Tony were sitting on the counter and they were assembling peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in a little manufacturing line.  

Helen would place two pieces of bread down, Tony would squirt jelly on one, Bucky would scoop out peanut butter on the other and Darcy would smooth it all out with a knife before Natasha would smash the two slices of bread together.  The children liked doing the little simple tasks.  And they had done it all together at least six times in the last three days.  

Because peanut butter and jelly was all Darcy was apparently feeding them.  Steve included.  

Steve didn't want to appear ungrateful.  It was nice that Darcy would jump in at mealtimes and start the sandwich making process without being asked.  But Steve's metabolism, and he would guess Natasha and Bucky's enhanced metabolisms, needed something more substantial.  Constant peanut butter and jelly couldn't be good for growing children and super soldiers.  

He'd tried to cut the meeting short with Hill and the crew of scientists so that he could run to the on site grocery store.  He'd stood in line patiently while every person on base stared at him as he went through the store and grabbed the things he would need to make a lot of dinner.  

The stock boy, who was actually a fifty-seven year old SHIELD retiree gave him a wink and nudged him towards the little freezer, where a very bright and highly sprinkled ice cream cake caught Steve's eye.  And when that same stock boy dropped a bouquet of pretty little daisies and roses in his little shopping basket, Steve gave him a little salute and a smile.

"Mommy?" Natasha questioned, reaching out and making grabby hands for the knife that Darcy was using to spread the peanut butter and jelly.

"Yes, baby?" Darcy asked offhandedly.  She paused and shook her head, a little stunned at how natural that felt.  When Natasha turned back to normal, it was definitely going to be strange.  Darcy had now changed ten of her diapers in the span of two days.  And given her three baths.  

At the very least, she could use it as leverage to get Natasha to finally teach her how to smother a man with her thighs.  Apparently in the years prior, grownup Natasha had thought that would make Darcy just a hair too dangerous.

"Don't want peanuts n' jellies," Natasha sighed.  "Don't want it."

"Okay, Nats, what do you want to eat for dinner, then?" Darcy wondered.  "Pizza?"

"Yucky!" Natasha wrinkled her nose.

"Rice?" Darcy thought, turning away from the assembly line and looking at the menus that Steve kept on his fridge.  

"Yucky!" Natasha insisted.

"Uhm...oh, Indian food!  You want some curry?" Darcy asked hopefully.

Natasha gave her a look that clearly told Darcy that the baby thought she was insane.

"Okay, what do you want?" Darcy smiled at her.

"Candy," Natasha grinned.

"No Candy for dinner," Darcy shook her head.

"Cookies," Natasha bargained.

"Still nope," Darcy fought back a laugh.

"Cake," Natasha negotiated.

"Peanut butter and jelly is like cake," Darcy promised.

"How about spaghetti?" Steve questioned, finally walking fully into the kitchen, holding up his bags from the grocery store.

"Yes!  Sghettis!" Bucky nodded eagerly.  "N' Meatballs!"

"I like pasghetti," Helen agreed.  "But I don't want the sauce to touch the noodles or the meatballs.  And I don't want the meatballs to touch the noodles.  No touching."

Helen didn't like food touching.  She even ate her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches deconstructed.  

"I WANT A SAUSAGE!" Tony demanded.  "Not the spicy kind, the good kind."

"I can't make spaghetti and meatballs," Darcy blurted warily.  "And definitely not sausage."

"Nobody said you had to make anything, Darcy.  I'm here to help you, remember?" Steve gave her a warm smile as he placed his bags on the counter.  He dug out the bouquet and handed it off to her.  "Why don't you go and put these in water.  I think I have a vase over there on the top of that bookshelf.  And then, just relax while the kids and I make dinner."

"Are you sure?" Darcy furrowed her brow, although she did start her jittery little bathroom dance the moment Steve took Natasha from her arms, allowing the little red-headed baby to cuddle against him, burying her face in his neck.  

"Positive," Steve nodded.  "I've got this."

An hour later, the smell of garlic was heavy in the kitchen.  After seeing the rainbow colored ice cream cake, Natasha had surprisingly taken Steve's suggestion of having a quick nap before dinner.  She was currently face down in the pack and play that Sam had put together that morning with Helen's supervision.

The meatballs had been mixed and formed by hand.  Something the boys had absolutely loved, even though Steve had made them wash their hands for five whole minutes before and after their foray into ground hamburger.  They were now simmering away in a pot full of rich and meaty tomato sauce.  The garlic bread was in the oven, having been smeared to within an inch of its life with butter and garlic and parsley.  Helen had insisted on a separate bit of bread, with all the components separate, of course.  

They were just testing out the noddles.  Steve would scoop out a bunch of them and allow Tony and Bucky to blow on them to their hearts content before they would all grab one and chew it with a lot of seriousness.  

"I think it's done," Bucky nodded after the last test.  His little stomach growled and he would never tell Darcy, but he was really glad they weren't eating peanut butter and jelly again.  He'd been getting hungrier and hungrier after every meal, and knew that something about his super muscles meant he needed more food than just a yummy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  

"Only one way to know for sure, pal," Steve gave him a little smirk.

Bucky's eyes lit up and he held up a finger before going to the playpen, he crawled in easily and nudged Natasha's shoulder very gently.

"Wake up, wake up," he cooed at her in Russian.  

Natasha blinked open her eyes and looked up at Bucky with a red cheeked face.

"What?" she questioned in Russian.  

"Something fun!" Bucky promised, lifting her up and somehow getting the both of them up and over the playpen walls.  They came back to see Steve and Tony blowing on the noodles that Steve had pulled from the pot.  Bucky held out a metal hand expectantly, obviously the ritual was something he and Steve had done before when Bucky was bigger.  He knew what the final noodle test was.

"Don't eat these," Steve told Tony and Helen, as Bucky carefully handed Natasha a noodle that she waved around in the air joyfully.  "A good noodle will stick to your ribs and the wall."

Bucky grinned.  It had been something his nonna had said all the time to Bucky and Steve as she made them dinner.  Steve grinned at Bucky before tossing his noodle at the wall.  It stuck, just barely and the kids all cheered.  One by one they followed his lead, with only Bucky and Tony getting the noodle to the wall.  Natasha's wound up in her hair and Helen's wound up on Steve's rear end.  

"AGAIN AGAIN!" Natasha demanded loudly, holding out her hand for more noodles.

Steve grinned, pulling the pot off the stove and dumping it in the strainer.  He quickly put the pot under the faucet and went to refill it, knowing without a doubt that they would definitely need to cook that second box of noodles.  Bucky reached a metal hand into the steaming noodles and pulled out a handful for the rest of the kids, all four of them blowing more spit than air on them.

Maybe he needed to do the third box of noodles too.

Darcy blinked her eyes open and stretched in the bed that she and Steve had both fallen into the last two nights.  She'd managed to go to the bathroom, take a long shower, and get in a very restful nap without being disturbed once.  It was amazing.

Admittedly, it felt a little strange to go to sleep in the bed alone.  And even stranger to wake up not cuddled up to Steve.  They hadn't had the chance to discuss the sleeping arrangements after that first night.  The second night, after finally getting the kids to sleep after an hour long, complicated dance that Darcy was very afraid was likely to be permanent, they had just trudged to the guest bedroom, blearily brushed their teeth side by side in the en suite bathroom, before falling face forward into the bed and succumbing to sleep.

Normally, Darcy would have been overthinking things.  Historically, she would have grabbed either Jane or Helen or Natasha, and taken them out for a night of drinking and over obsessing about every little breath and word Steve had taken in the last three days.  That wasn't an option here.  Not only was Jane off world preventing the apocalypse with Thor, but two of her closest female friends were actually her newly adopted children.  And, if she were completely honest with herself, she didn't have the time or energy to overthink this new situation with Steve.

She liked him.  Anyone who didn't would have to be an idiot.  He was the very definition of a good man and had always treated her with kindness and respect.  When she had appeared in Wakanda with a flash of light from the rainbow bridge, spouting off about killer hellbeasts trying to suck the energy out of Midgard to fuel the apocalypse, Steve hadn't blinked an eye, just rose from his hammock, taking one small moment to look her up and down (she had been dressed in Asgardian armor courtesy of Sif), and called the rest of the Avengers to assemble.  

She smiled at the sight of the flowers in the vase on the bedside table.  Steve had directed her to the vase, probably not even realizing that it was an award from some sort of prestigious amalgamation of people.  The little white daisies and red rose buds were beautiful and thoughtful and wholly unexpected.  Just like Steve, himself.

So no, she wasn't going to overthink this one.  She liked Steve a lot.  He seemed to like her a lot.  They were figuring out this parenting thing together and when something would come up, romantically or not, they would work through it together.

She stretched and made her way from the comfortable, but empty feeling bed and followed the smell of garlic and the sound of delighted, small giggling coming from the kitchen.  The table was set, with a big pot of sauce and meatballs in the center and baskets of garlic bread right next to it.  Steve was currently straining a pot of noodles.  And it definitely wasn't the first pot of noodles.

The first pot of noodles was definitely on the ceiling.  And the wall.  And Natasha's hair.  And Steve's butt.

"SO FUN MOMMY!" Natasha called out, throwing another noodle, only for it to land on top of her head.  

"I see that!" Darcy laughed, sharing a rueful smile with Steve.  "You guys did a great job, but I think the noodles have been tested enough now.  Let's go dig in."

Natasha nodded, rushing towards Darcy as she set up the high chair that Scott had spent an inordinate time building the day prior.  Darcy took the globs of spaghetti out of Natasha's hair before taking her little Black Widow t-shirt up and off of her body.  Darcy looked down at her appraisingly before nodding and taking off the little leggings Natasha had been wearing, leaving her in only her diaper before popping her in her chair.

"NAKED SGHETTI TIME!" Helen called out joyously before whipping her own shirt off and rushing to the dinner table.

"HECK YEAH!" Tony whopped with glee before taking his own shirt off.

Bucky bit at his bottom lip as the other children climbed up onto their chairs and started banging their forks against the table, or in Natasha's case, her fists and a little baby spoon against her high chair table.  Steve handed the noodles off to Darcy before bending down to be at Bucky's eye level.

"You okay, pal?" he asked quietly.

"Dunno," Bucky shrugged.

"Do you not want to take your shirt off?" Steve wondered.  "You don't have to if you don't want to."

Bucky looked down at the smart little white t-shirt he was wearing, emblazoned with Steve's shield right in the middle of it.  He really loved the shirt.  It was the favorite from the pile that Steve had put into the little chest of drawers he had emptied for Bucky and Tony's clothing.  He looked down at his metal hand, knowing that he was getting better with using it in this smaller state, but he still had little slip ups where the slack was either too tight or too loose.  He was sure to get sauce on his shirt.

"Don't wanna scare the girls," Bucky whispered, when Steve had only been quiet, a big hand on his back rubbing up and down encouragingly.  "My shoulders funny, you know?"

"Buck, you don't have to worry," Steve promised.  "Natasha and Helen wouldn't be scared of you.  They love you."

"Tony won't pick at me?" Bucky looked down at the ground, absolutely fearful of Tony's wicked words.

Darcy walked up to Steve and Bucky in the kitchen doorway and smiled down at Bucky.

"Tony won't be able to pick on you," Darcy promised, before reaching down and whipping off her own t-shirt, revealing a very sturdy bright pink sports bra underneath.  She pointed to a little scar on her abdomen.  "See this?  I got this two years ago, when some bad guy tried to steal my best friend, Janie.  I stopped him though."

"That's really brave," Bucky looked at the two inch long line of jagged scar tissue.  

Steve blinked at it.  He remembered reading that report.  It was what had caused Thor to drag Jane and Darcy off world in the first place.  They had been the subject of a Hydra operation, attempting to use Jane's knowledge to access portals to other worlds.  Darcy had been injured, but miraculously not killed before Steve and the rest of the Avengers could make it to the remote mountain location.

Because Darcy and Jane combined had knocked the immediate attacker unconscious, just as a far away sniper had taken out the rest of the ten Hydra members attempting to take them.  

Bucky furrowed his tiny brow and looked up at her, "Bad guys gave that to you, but---grown up me..."

"You stopped them," Darcy nodded.  She reached down and lifted Bucky's shirt off of him carefully.  She tapped a finger along one of the many scars along the place where metal met flesh on Bucky's shoulder.  "And when you saved me, we became scar twinsies.  Thank you for that, Bucky."

"Yeah," Bucky said softly and shyly, his little cheeks flushing red with pride.  He reached up on his tippy toes and placed a kiss on Darcy's cheek before rushing off to the dinner table, where Tony was digging out the best pieces of garlic bread.  "HEY, you can't give Nats the crunchy end pieces, she won't like those!"

Steve was staring openly at Darcy.  And not the feat of clothe engineering that was the sports bra that was containing her ample chest.  He was just staring at her face, with his mouth slightly agape and his eyes big and watery.  

"Steve?" Darcy whispered, waving a hand in front of his face.  

"Hmm?" he questioned, managing to at least close his mouth and smile down at her, his eyes never leaving her face as he just took her in.  

"If we don't go over to them in the next thirty seconds, there's gonna be a meatball incident, I'm sure of it," Darcy said softly.

"Oh, yeah," Steve shook himself out of his stupor.  And Darcy turned to the table.  

"SHIRTS OFF, OLD MAN!" Tony demanded as he dug into the pot for a sausage.  "You can't have any sauce unless you take your shirt off."

"Oh, Tony, no," Darcy whispered desperately, to no avail as Steve quickly whipped off the already sauce stained athletic shirt with one hand.  Her entire face turned beet red and she choked on a single piece of spaghetti she had stolen from the pot.

"SHE'S DYING SOMEONE GIVE HER THE HIMITCH MAN HOOVER!" Helen called out authoritatively as she stopped organzing her food on her plate methodically. "DADDY HELP HER!"

Steve got up and yanked Darcy out of her chair and looked down, wondering where on Earth he was supposed to put his hands as he wrapped his arms around Darcy's bare torso.  

"I'M OKAY!" Darcy choked out.  "I'M OKAY! I'M FINE!"

Steve relaxed, his arms still banded around her, his hands easily resting just under her sports bra as the adrenaline spike eased quickly.  It was a peril of the serum.  The adrenaline spiked quickly, but bottomed out just as quickly when he no longer needed it.  He sat down on the seat Darcy had been in, forcing Darcy to sit with him in his lap as he put his chin against the top of her head.

"SO CUTE!" Natasha squealed as she smashed at a meatball that Bucky had fished out for her with a spoon.  Despite only having that little bit of sauce, she was still covered in it, the red on her face matching her hair perfectly.  "NOW KISS!"

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Six: Shopping Sprees

"What's amatter with Daddy?"

Helen furrowed a tiny brow beneath her blunt cut bangs as she looked up at a thoroughly frozen and incapacitated Steve.  The rest of the children quickly followed her lead and soon Steve was standing in the hallway in front of the bedroom he shared with Darcy, a pink blush tinging his cheeks and a dreamy haze laying like a film over his normal steely blue gaze.  Bucky tried to place the look.  He knows he should have known it.  He'd seen it a few times when he used to be big and back during the past.  When Steve had been little and once when Steve had been big.  

"Oh.  Like Peggy," Bucky finally concluded, remembering the funny way a big, dopey Steve had been looking at a very pretty lady in a red dress.  

Natasha smiled before fairly climbing up a still standing comatose Steve, before finally perching on Steve's shoulder and pressing against the red tinge on Steve's cheek.

"Warm warm warm," she chanted softly, a cold little hand placed against the warmth.  

"What's got him all stupid?  I don't speak stupid," Tony reminded Bucky.

"Pretty girl," Bucky shrugged. He turned to stare into the bedroom that Steve had been staring into and waited for whatever had pushed Steve into such a state of being.  

Sure enough, two minutes went by before Darcy came huffing out of the bathroom in a pair of her yoga pants and a very complicated and fancy electric blue bra.  Tony wrinkled his nose and that effortlessly curious part of his brain went to thinking of how strong the bra had to be in order to hoist those things up so high.  Darcy was clueless as to her audience as she darted around the room, looking for clean clothes to wear, but finding not very many.  

"Ugh, stupid date night bra," Darcy grumbled.  She had a choice of what to wear.  A luxury really with the current state of her life.  The choices weren't great though.  She had a fancy dress the same shade of her very impressive bra that was decidedly itchy.  The dress was low cut and had a slit that went up her thigh and it was the very opposite of the practicality that she needed now in her day to day life.

The other choice, was of course the yoga pants she had on and the last t-shirt she had found that was clean in the dresser she and Steve had thrown clothes into a few days after the big change of the kids.  

It wasn't her t-shirt.  

She was sure Steve wouldn't mind though, and grabbed it, throwing it over her head.  It went down to her knees and the sleeves hit her mid forearm.  Steve let out a strangled noise to see that it had the name Rogers along the back of it.  Natasha hugged his whole face to the side of her body and giggled softly.  

"Oh, hey, sorry.  We have to do laundry today," Darcy turned to see Steve and the congregation of children.

"He don't mind one bit, Ma," Bucky promised.  Darcy grinned at Bucky.  The Ma was fairly new.  He'd only been calling her that for the last thirty-six hours, but she really, really liked it.  Three down, one to go.

"I---we---uhm," Steve stuttered.

"I had a limited wardrobe to begin with, my clothes were lost somewhere between Vanaheim and New York City and I'm seriously out," Darcy sighed.  She looked down and saw that even as large as the t-shirt was on her, her boobs were still practically piled underneath her chin.  "And this thing.  I mean, kudos little Tony, because grown up you figured out the physics of it all, but so much lace is not comfortable.

"Oh yeah, I made that," Tony nodded.  "S'why it looks so familiar."

"I could use them as a shelf," Darcy grumbled at her boobs.

Steve made some kind of muffled noise of torment and Darcy looked up curiously.  Natasha's little hands were covering most of the blush, but he was still a little glassy eyed.

"You're pretty," Steve managed to get out.

"Awful," Tony rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, Stevie," Bucky agreed with Tony.

"Let's go shopping," Steve continued.  The way Darcy's eyes lit up gave him courage and helped him to find his words.  "We can head over to the mall a few towns over.  Bucky's already growing out of the clothes we got him after the initial change.  We can make a day of it.  Get a nice lunch somewhere."

"Candy?" Natasha demanded.

"Yes, baby, we can go get you candy," Steve promised.

"Toys?" Tony asked shrewdly.

"If you behave, you may all get one toy," Darcy said sternly.

"Yes!" Bucky clenched his little fists together and made a little jump in celebration.  

Darcy melted at his excitement and bent down and hoisted him up in her arms.  He was already getting so tall and unwieldy that his little brown head of hair came to the bottom of where her breasts would normally be in a non Tony Stark designed bra.  He hugged at her as she propped him up on her hip.  His little cheek rested on the top of an ample swell of her chest and Steve wrinkled his nose.  He wondered how much of that was little Bucky, or grownup Bucky.  He could honestly have pictured it being grownup Bucky with his face pressed against Darcy's bosom.  

"You're the best Ma ever," Bucky sighed.

"Okay, maybe more than one toy," she cooed, placing a kiss on his temple.  "Love you, Buckster."

The new SHIELD agents who had been assigned security detail for that little family day at the mall had all wound up getting two weeks of paid leave as a result of the excursion.  Maria Hill had warned Darcy and Steve that their family day trips would have to be limited to once a month, or else they'd be running out of appropriately trained agents to protect them.

It started when the girls went into the ladies department in one of the big stores with Darcy, leaving the boys to their own devices.  Tony began spouting off about the shortcomings of the bras on the mannequins and how they'd never stand up to Darcy's ginormous cans.  Steve had dragged Tony away, red faced, even as Bucky was laughing at Tony's repeated insistence he get to test out all of Darcy's bra purchases.

Tony and Bucky quickly occupied themselves with a game of hide and seek between the clothing racks, and while Steve could track them, none of the security team could keep a close enough eye on them as they darted around noisily, driving all of the sales staff absolutely crazy.  Steve tried to put a stop to it when they began climbing upwards instead of between.  Steve had gotten his hands on Tony at least, grabbing the back of his shirt and holding him high in the air as Bucky laughed and went higher on one of the shelves.

"James Buchanan Barnes, if you don't get your keister down here right now, you aren't getting any toys!" Steve promised.

"Nah, punk, Ma said I could have as many as I wanted," Bucky taunted, sticking his tongue out at his friend/father figure.  "And you ain't gonna contradict her, cause you looooooooooove her."

"You wanna kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis her," Tony added.

"You wanna maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry her," Bucky said loudly.

"Get down here, right now, you're embarrassing me," Steve hissed at him.  

"I'm just havin' fun is all!" Bucky disputed.  He winked at a sales girl watching the scene with a smirk.  "Ma'am."

"Buck, you just wait, when this is all over and everything is back to normal, I'm going to tan ever square inch of your hide!" Steve promised.

The sales girl gasped and Steve turned red.  He stammered and tried to think of a way to explain the fact that he wasn't going to be hitting a child when all is said and done, but beating the snot out of a very grown up super soldier that was actually about to turn 100 very soon.  Bucky and Tony laughing their heads off at him were of no help, as it only incensed Steve more, making him look very, very angry.

"We're going back to your Ma, now," Steve demanded, hopping a little and finally getting his hand on Bucky's left arm.  He hauled the boy down unceremoniously and managed to throw him over one shoulder, and Tony over the other.  

"You can't!" Tony disputed.  "You're gonna go  stupid over her again."

"Really Stevie, don't do it!" Bucky laughed.  "One look at her in her altogether and you're gonna have your brains dribbling outta yer ears!"

Steve ignored the warnings and went towards the dressing room he heard Helen's happy chatter coming out of.  He let out a breath of a chuckle as Darcy was on her knees, wearing just the amazing bra Tony had made her and a pair of HIS boxer briefs.  She was red faced and sweaty as she tried to untangle Helen and Natasha from a large pile of strappy lingerie.  The little girls were practically tied together with bra straps.  

"Buy this polka dot one for grown up me!" Helen demanded cheerfully as Darcy physically spun the children to try and get them loose.  "I like it a lot!"

Steve was very much stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He was sitting on a poofy little ottoman in the middle of a ladies changing room, with four children under the age of seven that were very, very bored.  Darcy was doing her best to try things on as quickly as possible.  But in her haste, she was flying to and from the barely shuttered dressing room.  And Helen wasn't helping matters as she kept going to the pile of Darcy's things that had been deemed too small (for her ample bosom that Steve had seen so very much throughout the morning).

"I'll look so cute in this," Helen chirped as she picked up another shirt that Darcy had said made her look like too much sausage stuffed into too tight casing.  

Helen had accumulated quite a bit of clothing for her grown up self at that point.  She and Darcy were the same height when both were in their normal states.  They didn't share clothing though, due to the beautiful bounty that Steve was trying very hard not to salivate over when Helen nudged the changing room curtain again and Steve got an eyeful of something red and satiny against pale, creamy skin.

"Let's take a walk!" Steve announced loudly.  "C'mon kids."

They followed eagerly, except for Helen, who was looking longingly at the pile.  Tony patted the girl on the head.

"We'll get 'em for you, Hells bells---"

"Stop calling her that," Steve admonished gently.  It was hardly an appropriate nickname for a four year old, no matter how much said four year old enjoyed it.

"Darcy's got the card.  No one on this planet could hit the limit," Tony promised.  " 'Cept Pepper that one time when she was mad at me."

Steve put a hand on Tony's shoulder as they walked a little distance away from the dressing room.  Tony didn't bring up Pepper very often.  Steve knew the couple had been having a lot of problems before their dust up in the spring.  But little Tony had been absolutely adamant that Pepper not see him as he was.  Steve had asked why, and Darcy had a few guesses, but neither of the guardians knew for sure.  The leading reason was because Tony didn't want to look so vulnerable.  Along with a firm suspicion that the little man was scared that his former paramour would feel obligated to take care of him.

It had taken enough effort to get Tony to allow Steve to take care of him.  Darcy had of course, been a coveted caretaker, as that was what she did anyway for all the monies Tony gave her, according to Tony himself.

"Look at me!" Natasha called out happily.  

Steve looked up from Tony and chuckled.  Natasha had crawled up and into a window display, posing like the mannequins standing stiffly for all the shoppers that passed by.  Helen was quick to follow, and Bucky, of course, went wherever Natasha did.  Tony shrugged off Steve's hand and crawled into the window display, posing like the Coopertone baby, complete with his little jeans pulled down to display the Hulk underwear he had put on that morning.

The kids occupied themselves for the next ten minutes, changing their poses and standing as still as statues before jumping to life as a shopper looked too closely at them, scaring quite a few people along the way.  Tony helped the girls to climb up on top of Bucky's shoulders, building a human totem pole before sprawling himself on the ground like he had fallen off the top of it.

"Wow, children performance art," Darcy said breathlessly.  She was flushed in the face, having zipped through trying on an entire wardrobe in a very short amount of time.  She blew out a breath through ruby lips and Steve's eyes dropped to the flush on her cheeks that bloomed when he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in tight.  "Uhm, if you need anything here, I'll do kid duty, and you go grab what you need."

"Someone from headquarters orders me shirts when I need them," Steve shrugged.

"A troll from headquarters orders them," Darcy mumbled.  Seriously, she'd like to strangle and also bake a cake for the lackey who ordered the man's incredibly tight shirts.  She muttered something under her breath, that Steve totally heard, about being able to draw his nipples from memory at this point.

He couldn't help but take some kind of comfort that she was affected by his body as much as he was by hers.  It was incredibly convenient.  But also, very flattering.  She was a dish and a half, but she found him attractive.  There was something very soothing to his ego there.  He hauled her closer into his body and let his lips fall on her temple.

"You're adorable," he promised her.

"Oh, yeah, okay," Darcy nodded.  She took a deep, steadying breath before aiming a smile up at him.  "I believe we promised them candy and toys, Pappy Steve.  Let's go before they knock over a ---"

Tony managed to completely barrel into a mannequin as he rushed around in circles trying to terrorize Natasha and failing.  

"Woops."

Bucky was being a little shit.

Steve knew that.

He didn't know where he got it from.  But he supposed, when he thought about it, he had earned the right.  

He and Steve had grown up during the Great Depression.  Their respective single mothers had scrimped and saved and fought like hell to provide them with one simple, single toy every Christmas.  And Bucky had always loved the toy so hard that it was literally worn straight through by the time the next toy came.

He'd been a good boy back in the 20's and 30's though.  He had never demanded more.  Even when they'd started bringing pennies home from hard work and labor, Bucky's pennies always went into buying a loaf of bread or a scrap of meat.  He'd never spent the money on himself.  

So this version of Bucky, with an unlimited budget and an absolutely over indulgent Darcy, had absolutely no problem with loading the cart with all the toys he could possibly want.  

"That's a girl's toy!" Tony disputed as Bucky carefully pushed a big box of Disney Princess Dolls into the cart.  

"They're pretty," Bucky shrugged.

"Yeah, cause it's for girls," Tony told him.

"Who cares?" Bucky gave Tony an unimpressed look.  "I like lookin' at pretty things.  Pretty girls 'specially.  'Sides, I can use 'em to make Nats laugh."

"Look at my little feminist," Darcy cooed at Bucky and gave him an extra big hug right there in the middle of the store.

Steve rolled his eyes as Bucky waggled his eyebrows at Steve before placing his cheek on Darcy's bosom with a dreamy little sigh.  

Tony, the little shit, came up to the cart with a big pink and purple box and showed it off to Darcy.

"I used to have an Easy Bake Oven too!" Darcy said in excitement before placing the box in the nearly overflowing cart.  She knelt back down and gave a hug to Tony as well.

"I'm gonna make it more powerful.  We'll have cookies and cake all the time," Tony said in excitement.  He threw Steve a wicked little sneer before fairly burying his face in Darcy's chest.

"Little shit," Steve grumbled.

"Shit, little shit, shit," Natasha parroted as she tugged Steve's hand to go back to the aisle with all the nerf weaponry, that she absolutely needed.  "Tony is a little shit."

"Yeah, baby, he is."

"Steve, I don't understand how you let her get in there!" Darcy sighed as she and Steve stood in the arcade, surrounded by three surprisingly obedient children.  "I had taken Helen to the potty for five minutes and you were supposed to spend only five dollars on tokens."

"Bucky and Tony were cheating at skeeball," Steve explained, although he too seemed at a loss as to how it had happened.  "So I went to stop them, and she was right next to me and then she wasn't."

"Well, at least she didn't wander outside," Darcy shrugged.  "And we DID promise her candy."

Natasha had certainly gotten her candy.  She was currently inside a medium sized crane game in the corner of the mall arcade.  The little glass chamber had been filled to the gills with candy.   But Natasha had managed to make a significant dent in it.  She had three lollipops in her grinning little mouth and her hands were coated in the remains of the chocolate she had managed to pop open.  

"I wanna try to use the claw to get her out!" Tony said with excitement.

"NO! It'll pinch her!" Bucky insisted in a sudden worry, reaching out for Tony as he ran to the machine.  

"She's a tough kid, she can handle a little pinch!" Tony shouted back as he fed a token hastily into the machine and made the claw come to life.

"Stark, stop it!" Bucky tackled him to the ground and they rolled around pinching and smacking against each other.  

Steve and Darcy both went to pull the boys apart.  Tony was ruthless, and Bucky was restrained with violence, because he still didn't have full control over the powerfully strong metal arm.  To their surprise, Natasha clumsily jumped down to the ground suddenly, having somehow gotten out of the candy machine with little trouble.  She pounced on the boys and soon had them separated, shoving one of the lollipops that had been in her mouth into each of theirs.  

"Okay, are you sure we want to do lunch?" Darcy asked Steve warily.

"Fancy restaurant lunch!" Helen pouted, looking suddenly distraught at the idea of losing it.  Her bottom lip wibbled and tears filled her eyes quickly as she whined, "You said if I was good we'd get fancy restaurant lunch and and and I was so good! I was good, and they's naughty is not faaaaaaair!'

"Okay, Helen, it's alright, sweetie," Steve promised, going for her quickly and picking her up for a cuddle.  "We'll go to lunch now.  Everyone else will be super good from here on out."

Famous last words.

Bucky was fairly good.  He had insisted on bringing one of the toys into the restaurant, and it had happened to be a small playset of Strawberry Shortcake.  He was currently arranging her little accessories in a little tableau to amuse Natasha, who was sitting well enough in her high chair, mainly due to the fact that Steve kept opening sugar packets and giving them to the baby, who happily ate each one and then demanded more.

Helen was sipping at the ridiculous drink that was served in a giant goblet with a big bendy straw.  It was bright blue and filled with little candy fish.  Darcy had cracked a joke about her and Helen drinking adult versions of the very same drink not so long ago.  

Tony was.  Well, Tony was everywhere at once.  He refused to sit in the booth, instead, he crawled under it back and forth, then over it a few times, interrupting the early dinner of a very patient, understanding elderly couple who had the misfortune of sitting next to them.  

Everything seemed fine.  Until the plates started arriving.

"MY FOOD IS TOUCHING!" Helen shrieked out before dissolving into loud, wailing tears as she stared at the chicken tenders that were indeed touching the french fries, which were also touching the little pile of broccolli.  "Moooooooooommmmmmmmmmy!!!!!!!"

Darcy jumped out of her seat, upending one of the plates that had one of Steve's many dishes on, the fancy seafood mac and cheese, and it wound up on some of the tinier accessories for Strawberry Shortcake and Bucky suddenly looked distraught.

"NO! NO!  SHAWBERRY!" Natasha cried out in distress at seeing Bucky being upset and the lovely toys he had been playing with for her entertainment getting coated in cheese.  "Daddy, daddy help!"

Steve nodded and picked up the toys, wiping at the mess even as Tony climbed once more over the back of the booth and wound up sitting next to the eldery man who had just been trying to eat his porkchops and applesauce.

"TONY!" Darcy hissed.  "Leave the nice people alone!"

"I want this applesauce, Mom!" Tony called out joyously as the nonplussed old man gave him a taste.  "Forget the burger, I want applesauce!"

"Hey, we're trying to have a nice dinner over there," a very angry looking woman in her thirties said as she stomped up to the booth that the unusual little family of Steve and Darcy's had occupied.  "Can you keep your fucking brats quiet?"

Helen was sobbing, face down on the booth.  Natasha was crying in earnest as she reached out for a clearly worried Bucky, who was still clutching the doll to his chest as he watched Steve cleaning the rest of the toys in his glass of water.  The little boy treasured his toys, and he knew it was an accident, but he felt bad that he had managed to ruin them so quickly.

"Look lady, maybe if you wanted to have a nice date night, your fella should have taken you to a place that doesn't have plastic menus and a kid's eat free night!" Darcy bit out, feeling a little overwrought herself and not really even bothering to try to find her manners.  Something riled her at having a stranger insult her way with her kids.

Helen was now distraught that Darcy was using an unfriendly tone and Darcy bent over and picked her up, allowing her to bury her face into her shoulder.  

"Bitch," the other woman hissed at her sharply.

"Hold her, Steve," Darcy thrust Helen across the table to Steve.  

Natasha had at least stopped crying and her hand was reaching for the steak knife by Steve's plate.  Bucky shook his head at her and she pouted before glaring full force at the mean lady who was interrupting her fun.

"Jessie, come on, we're getting free dessert out of it," the woman's date came up to sneer at the young couple with far too many kids to handle.  He looked down at Bucky and smirked, "Kid's a fairy to be playing with girls toys."

Several things happened at once.

Darcy reached out and stopped Natasha from grabbing for the knife again.  Bucky looked confused as to the terminology.  Helen was placed back into the booth, where she had the presences of mind to stop crying at least as she reached for Steve's new starkphone and dialed someone quickly.

"SAMMY I'M SO SAD MY CHICKEN TENDERS WAS TOUCHING MY FRENCH FRIES AND A MEAN LADY IS BEING MEAN NOW!" She sobbed quietly into the phone.  To his credit, Sam immediately started soothing the girl as best as he could.

Then Tony launched the plate of applesauce that the old man he had been eating with had happily given him, seemingly with the express purpose to throw at the offensive man's head.  

Steve took a hand on the shoulder of the man, using every ounce of self control not to pop him in the face.  Instead, he marched him right back to the other side of the restaurant, with his screaming date following behind closely.  

Darcy watched as Steve manhandled the couple back to their table.  He was muttering at them and the look on his face was full of fire and brimstone, even as he kept his voice controlled and low.  She didn't hear much of anything.  But she heard antiquated gender roles, and derogatory and inflammatory words, and awful bigotry.  And then, Steve's voice rose slightly as he stared at the woman.

"She's the best woman I've ever met in my whole life, and I've lived nearly a hundred years.  Go fly a kite, lady."

Steve went to the manager and handed over the heavily abused Stark card, declaring that everyone else in the nearly empty restaurant should have their meal paid for with it except for the offensive couple, who were ignoring their own free dessert and quickly packing up.

Darcy was in the process of separating Helen's food, even as the little girl in question was cleaning up the flecks of apple sauce that Tony had thrown.  

"Everybody okay?" Steve smiled down reassuringly at the little family he had inherited, all traces of the seething, barely contained anger he had been feeling completely gone.

"Thanks, Pops," Bucky gave him a little smile.

"Anytime, Buck," Steve smiled.  "Now let's get those toys dried off and eat this very nice lunch with as much peace as we can manage.  Tony?  Stop pestering those nice folks and come over here.  You can eat my applesauce off of this plate."

Dinner went by smoothly after that, even if Natasha only managed to eat sugar packets and french fries.  They stopped at one last shop, which was the candy shop, and the sugar packets and her earlier foray into the candy crane had paid off, because Natasha didn't go completely nuts when faced with an entire store full of sugary treats.  She was restrained and they managed to get out of there with only four or five very full, very large bags.

"Remind me to ask Scott to set up a small vault in the kitchen that we could put this stuff in," Steve laughed as he put the bags of candy into the back of the mini-van that Maria had delivered to them that morning with a smirk.  

Darcy finished strapping Natasha into her carseat and kissed her forehead before the little redhead reached for Bucky's hand and grasped it in her own slightly sticky one before promptly falling to sleep.  Helen was already strapped into her carseat on her own, using Steve's phone to send Sam all the emojis she could possibly find.  And even Tony was on his booster seat, blinking drowsily.

Steve was rearranging a bag full of Darcy's new underthings, trying desperately to stop it from spilling over.  Suddenly the lady in question was right next to him though and she pushed the bags in messily before pulling the back door closed.

Steve then found his back slammed into said door, albeit not too roughly, but with the shock of surprise it took his breath away.  Darcy had handfuls of his t-shirt in her fists and she drug him down at the same time as going up on the tops of her toes.  She kissed him squarely on the mouth and had the patience for a thoroughly gobsmacked Steve to get with the program, but when he did get with the program, it was lovely and passionate and full of heat and promise.  

"Whaaa?" he managed to breath out, looking down at her with hazy blue, half-lidded eyes, his mouth quirking upwards in a familiar smirk at his suddenly blessed fortune.

"When you said that bit about gender roles, I just.  You listened to me," Darcy felt more subdued now than she had when she had initiated the kiss. She had been harping on Barton a month ago for insisting that his baby son have the red trucks to play with and not the pink and purple cars.  She'd gone off on him and Laura had agreed, and eventually even Clint had agreed and Nathaniel had as many pink and purple cars as he could want now.  Steve had been present for the whole thing, and she had thought he was too busy working on plans of attack and defensive strategies, but he had listened to her.   "I like being listened to."

"I always listen to you, Darcy," Steve assured her softly.  "Ever since you came down from that bifrost saying how monsters were going to start raining down from the skies."

"Awesome," Darcy nodded, finally letting go of his shirt.  "Sorry.  I didn't mean to attack you, but--- I really like being listened to."

"Sweetheart I---"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?" Tony yelled.  "I can't go to sleep without tunes, come and start the tunes!"

Darcy stepped away from Steve, but he grabbed her hand and pulled it up to his lips, placing a kiss in her palm and feeling slightly stupid for it.  But then he caught the way she beamed a big, gap toothed grin his way and he figured it wasn't such a bad move, really.

He gave her another lopsided smile and a promise, "We're going to talk later."

"Okay.  Sounds like a good plan."

Chapter Text

Chapter Seven: Work From Home

"DISNEY!  DISNEY!!!!!!!!  MOMMY DADDY LOOK IT’S FROM DISNEY!"

After their shopping spree, the little family had come back to the base finding that Scott had taken the kid free base and turned it into a raucous backyard barbeque party.  Steve remembered approving Scott's request weeks ago, vaguely, but that had been before inheriting children.  Darcy and Steve had managed to grab some food for a quick dinner for all of them and then hustled the very tired kids back to their quarters.  It wasn't common knowledge that the quartet of tiny tots had been turned into children, it was on a need to know basis after all, and Marie from Accounting definitely didn't need to know that Tony Stark was the six year old that pinched her bottom before running towards the safety of hiding behind Steve's legs.  

And Scott's friends had been so enamored of Natasha, giving her little sugary treats in order to get her to do little tricks, like a tiny child puppy.  She'd lifted five wallets, seven set of keys and managed to tie up Kurt with his shoelaces before Bucky had intervened, grabbing the little girl's hand and leading her away from her captive audience.  

By the time they got back to their quarters, there was a large box sitting at their door with the Disney emblem emblazoned on it.  Helen had lost her shit then, because as nice as the mall trip had been, there had been no Disney Store and she desperately needed a fix, apparently.  She'd run herself in excited circles and shouts as Steve ripped into the very large box, pulling out a card and reading,

" To Tony, Bucky, Helen and Natasha.  I'm sorry that I cannot come and see you, I'm in Florida, working on securing a few bright minds to work on the situation, but I thought that you might like a few things from the Happiest Place on Earth.  Love, Pepper."

"Huh," Tony said softly, his cheeks flaming red and looking down at his feet in an uncharacteristic show of shy thoughtfulness.  By the time he had looked up again, Darcy was smiling softly at him, and the other kids had torn through the box.

It had been filled with nearly every toy you could imagine.  Along with a large collection of dress up costumes and pajamas that were character inspired as well.  The toys were placed in a communal pile.  Steve and Darcy were pretty big on sharing.  They were all allowed a small handful of toys that were their own, but all other toys were communal and meant to be shared.  

"COMFY COZY TIME!" Helen announced loudly, taking a tiara off of her head and popping it on Tony's instead as the boy carefully looked through the toys.  The other children quickly stripped and dove for new pajamas.

"Daddy, daddy, I really love Disney," Helen chattered up at Steve as he helped pop a pajama top over her head and push it through her arms.  Her hands reverently went to the Frozen cartoons on it and she pressed delicate fingers on each snowflake.  "Daddy?  Daddy?  Daddy?"

"Yes, Helen?" Steve smiled patiently at her as he bent forward and held the little clingy pajama pants open and ready for her to step into.

"You can fly a plane right?" Helen asked quietly.

Bucky snorted.

"I can," Steve nodded, turning to look at Bucky with a little smirk.  

"Can you---can you take us to Disney?" Helen whispered.  "My boyfriend Sammy said one day when we could get good security we could go.  Afore I got little.  And I wanna go so bad, cause I never got to afore and if I'm real good can we go? Please?"

"Pweease?" Natasha stood up after Darcy had swapped out her diaper and put her in a pair of lovely peach pajamas with some kind of Lion King cartoons on them.  "Pwease, less go.  Less go now.  Pwease?  James, pwease?"

Natasha went straight for Bucky and reached for his hands, squeezing with excitement.  She looked up at him with a wheedling little grin, big blue eyes round and beseeching.  Bucky smiled down at her indulgently and nodded.

"Yeah, please, Stevie?" he added his request.  He looked to Darcy, who was pulling at his pajama top to make it sit right.  "Ma, please?  Can we go?  Helen showed me a video of it on the youtubes.  Looks so fun, Pop, we should go."

"Here's what we'll do," Darcy said softly, absolutely unwilling and unable to tell Bucky Barnes no about anything.  "We're going to make a good behavior chart.  And as soon as it's filled up with stars, then your pop will see if he can get us a plane and Ms. Maria will work on security to come along with us."

"She's gonna be thrilled," Steve chuckled.  He'd received ten text messages asking what he and Darcy had done to their security crew about half an hour ago.  

"But Pepper's not gonna be there anymore, right?" Tony demanded anxiously as he went for the pajamas.  He picked through them with discerning taste, pulling out a cool pair of Finding Nemo pajamas that had comfy shorts.  He popped them on quickly as Darcy began putting together a rudimentary good behavior chart.

"Hey, you gotta be good, okay, Tony?" Bucky said softly, almost sounding like he was trying to bribe Tony into doing something the little Stark probably didn't want to do.  "Nats and Hells really wanna go, so we can't fight, cause Ma won't put it on the good behavior board.  Okay?  So no fighting."

" Fiiiiiiiiiiine ," Tony huffed out an exaggerated and aggrieved sigh.  He furrowed his tiny brow as he looked at what Bucky was wearing.  Bucky may have had a lot of body heat, but he always wore long sleeved pajama bottoms and tops, really liking to be extra toasty warm while he slept.  He'd apparently picked out one of the only pairs that were long sleeved.  

Buzz Lightyear.

"MOOOOOOOOM!" Tony called out anxiously.  He pointed at Bucky and said, "Those are mine, make him take them off."

Bucky shook his head and ran off to the couch where the rest of the little family were sat on, climbing up right next to Steve.  Tony was quick to follow, climbing up and standing on the arm of the couch right next to Steve.  He pointed anxiously at Bucky and his face twisted with annoyance.

"Take 'em off, Barnes! Those are mine!" Tony yelled.

"Tony, those are the only PJ's that fit Bucky," Steve said calmly.  "He's a little taller than you now, and you know he likes the long sleeves.  You have ten other pairs of pajamas, buddy, calm down."

"It's not fair! It's not fair! THOSE AREN'T FOR HIM!" Tony screeched at the top of his lungs.  "THOSE ARE MINE!!!! AND BARNES IS A STINKY BUTTFACE AND HE'S RUINING THEM!"

"ANTHONY EDWARD STARK!" Steve let his voice rise as he gave Tony a look that had come to mean business among the children.  "You need to calm down right now, young man.  You and I can go for a timeout, if you want."

"But it's comfy cozy time!" Tony whined.  He glared at Bucky and then turned a plaintive, beseeching look to Darcy, who had Natasha cuddled in her arms and Helen burrowed against her side, her little legs lazily sprawled on Darcy's lap.  "Mom, make him take it off!"

"Tony," Darcy sighed, her heart melting a little at the very genuine dismay Tony was feeling.  Helen scooted further into the couch, suddenly miserable as she realized that Tony's outburst wouldn't be winning a golden good behavior star.  Darcy gently placed Natasha next to Bucky, and the little red head wrapped her arms around him, offering little nonsense noises to soothe Bucky's frayed and angry nerves.

Steve gave Darcy a nod as she hopped off the couch and grabbed the now sobbing little boy, who had had a very big day, when all was said and done and who could have definitely benefitted from a longer nap than what he had grabbed on the car ride home.  He began sobbing loudly and melted into her arms as she quickly carried him from the room and went towards the bedroom that the children shared.  

They'd held off on getting separate beds, hoping very much that this was not permanent in any way.  But the king sized bed was neatly divided into sections.  Helen's was at the top of the bed, and she had a soft pink fleece blanket rolled up nicely next to her polka dotted purple pillow.  Five stuffed animals that Sam had gifted her in the last week were lined up neatly on the pillow, just waiting for her to come back and distribute cuddles.  Bucky and Natasha occupied the dead center of the bed.  Darcy knew that if she put her hand under the pillows and extra blankets neatly lain there she'd be bound to find candy that no matter how many times she and Steve removed, mysteriously it wound up back there.  She had also once found a plastic spork and a pair of kid friendly scissors under both pillows.

Once a Russian assassin, always a Russian assassin.  Even at the ages of two and six.

At the end of the bed, Tony's messy little nest of blankets and pillows lay.  Black satin of all things.  Darcy bypassed the bed entirely, knowing that if she messed with Helen's order, there would surely be another melt-down to deal with at bedtime.  And she and Steve had different things to do than coax a distraught Helen down enough for bedtime.  Mainly talk about that amazing lip lock they had managed before piling into the minivan and coming back home.

Darcy needed a lot of talking to happen regarding their intentions towards each other.

Also, she needed more locking of lips to make sure that it wasn't a one time amazing occurrence.  She guesstimated that she needed at least four dozen more kisses in the next few hours.  For science.  Jane would be so proud when she finally got back from Asgard.

So Darcy sat on the cushy little stuffed rocking arm chair that had magically appeared in the kid's room three days after the big change.  Tony rearranged himself so that his tear stained cheeks were right on top of Darcy's bosom.  

"Hey honey," Darcy ran her fingers soothingly through Tony's black locks.

"Those pj's are mine," Tony sniffled.  "I'm not tryna be mean to Barnes on purpose.  But those are mine."

"Because Pepper sent them?" Darcy guessed.  

"Yeah," Tony said miserably.

"And because Pepper might have made a joke to you before about Buzz Lightyear and the Iron Man suit?" Darcy went on.

"Yeah," Tony sniffled.  "We were gonna go to infinity and beyond."

"Tony, do you think you might want to see Pepper some time soon?" Darcy wondered.  "She's been asking about you everyday."

"Nooooo," Tony whimpered.  "I'm little.  And she was mad at me from before.  And if she sees me like this, when I'm all little and adorable, she's gonna just melt, I know it."

Darcy bit at her lips to keep from laughing.  Because Tony's words were true.  Pepper would probably just melt.

"We fought before," Tony furrowed his tiny brow.  He and Bucky could remember things from being grown up, but it was like looking at something through cartoon colored glasses.  Any trauma from before was sanitized like a children's movie.  "She wanted stuff that grownup me didn't give her."

"Yeah?" Darcy nodded.  

"And if she sees me little, that'll remind her of that," Tony shrugged.

Darcy sighed and cuddled Tony closer.  She remembered a girl's night prior to her and Jane leaving for Asgard all that time ago.  Pepper may have gotten plastered.  She may have admitted that her biological clock had just barely ticked.  She had suggested to Tony that she might like to get a dog.  Just a little step forward.

Instead, Tony had gotten her a cactus.  

It didn't take a lot to realize that Pepper wanted Tony to retire from the day to day superhero business.  She wouldn't stop him from going out to save people when Steve and the rest of the Avengers couldn't handle it.  But she wanted to be with him more. She had groomed an elite team at Stark Industries to handle the mundane day to day operations, giving her the time to devote to Tony.

More specifically, organizing her life in order to start a family with Tony.

Obviously, that had not worked out.  And Darcy understood why Tony didn't want Pepper to see him in his current state.  It would certainly be difficult for the woman to see a small little boy that was the spitting image of grownup Tony, when that seemed to be what she had wanted towards the end of their relationship.

"Don't wanna make her sad," Tony sighed against Darcy as she slowly rocked him against her.  

"You could never make anyone sad by just being you," Darcy said softly, her fingers slowly coaxing sleepiness into the boy as they continued to run through his hair.  "Steve talked about this with you when you made Scott cry a few days ago."

"Words can hurt," Tony mumbled the lesson Steve had tried to teach him.  "They can be just as dangerous as blasters and you can't shield yourself from 'em."

"That's right," Darcy cooed against his temple.  "So drift off into dreamland and think of happy things for now.  We won't bring Pepper here until you're ready to see her.  I promise."

"Thanks, mom," Tony sighed.

Darcy felt herself melting a little.  She had noticed that he had been calling her mom ever since the restaurant, but she didn't think it would stick so completely.  A grownup Tony had always joked that Darcy was his long lost daughter.  And now he was a six year old calling her Mom.  Aside from the fact that it was seriously strange, it made Darcy warm inside.  She loved all of her kids, and the fact that they loved and trusted and relied on her?  Well, that was just extra icing on the cake at that point.

"Tony, you're going to want to say sorry to Bucky in the morning when you wake up," Darcy said, her voice only semi-stern.  "He didn't know those pajamas were special to you.  And you should have been patient and explained to him why, I'm sure he would have changed for you if you'd have asked nicely."

"Alright," Tony huffed out, his voice a tiny whisper as he slowly went slack jawed and went down for the count an hour or two earlier than normal.  

"One down, three to go," Darcy smiled, slowly getting up and placing Tony on his portion of the king sized bed.  

When Darcy finally escaped out of the kids' room, Steve was holding Helen by the door, she was passed out cold against his shoulder.  They shared a silent smile as they switched places, allowing for Steve to place Helen down.

"Two to go," Steve smiled down at her.

Natasha and Bucky were usually the easiest to put down for bedtime.  Natasha loved to be sleeping by nine in order to be up with the sunrise.  And Bucky was surprisingly obedient and usually fell asleep by Darcy's third lullaby, holding Natasha's pudgy little hand in his right one.  

"And then we talk?" Darcy gave him a tilted little smile.

"Yeah, then---" Steve nodded.  He shook his head before putting his hands on her hips and hauling her towards him, with a little bit of his actual strength, so that she collided against his chest.  He grinned into the kiss that she eagerly offered.  Darcy quickly popped up on the very tops of her toes and wrapped her arms around his neck.  

He felt nerve endings he thought had long been frozen to death flaring and his right index finger twitched against the plush hip he was still holding on to tightly.  She made a lovely little sound as he deepened the kiss and his hands went from her hips to wrapping around her body, pulling her in as close as physically possible, so close that her feet left the floor entirely and her legs just dangled there as he kissed the living daylights out of her.

"I like you, a lot," Steve managed to get out, one word between each kiss he placed against her lips.  The feeling of lush, soft curves against his body, warm and lovely in his arms was short circuiting his brain, but he wanted to make sure things were clear between them.

"Ditt--" Darcy got out before Steve's lips descended again, and she muffled the second syllable of the word, "Oh."

"I like you so much," Steve sighed against her skin as she began to place open mouthed kisses on his jaw.  "I---I---Christ, Darcy, you're amazing."

"Thanks," Darcy rasped out.  "Ditto."

"NO!" Natasha screamed like a banshee.  "GET BACK HERE! NO! STOP IT NOW! LEAVE 'EM LONE!"

Steve dropped Darcy carefully to the floor and pushed her behind him as he began rushing towards the living room where Bucky and Natasha had been contentedly watching movies together.  He ran straight into Maria Hill, who was red in the face.

"I just got her off of me, she garrotted me with a piece of yarn!" Maria huffed out as she caught her breath.  She flinched as Natasha let a nerf dart hit her head.  Maria glared at Steve and Darcy and demanded, "You gave Princess Murder Pants a projectile weapon---ow, God dammit, Romanoff, you little shit!!"

"Watch your mouth with my kid!" Darcy bypassed Steve and stood in front of Maria like a tiny, fierce protective mama bear.  "What do you want, Maria?  It's family time."

"It's---what?" Maria furrowed her brow.  She shook it off quickly and said, "Call to Assemble, Cap."

"No," Steve said decisively even as he shook his head in bewilderment.

"Cap, the team is currently comprised of Lang, Barton and Wilson," Maria rolled her eyes at him.  "You need to get your ass to Trenton, because I'm pretty sure we have zombies out there."

"Zombies?" Darcy gave her a skeptical look.

"Animal zombies," Maria shrugged it off.

"Really?" Darcy levered an eyebrow at her.

"Fine, there's a chicken farm in New Jersey, and the animals are re-animating, I need a team there before they organize and try to take over the closest city," Maria blurted.  "Wheels up in fifteen."

"Shit, I have to go," Steve sighed as Maria walked back out into the living room, her ouch more subdued this time as Natasha took aim again. "If we let the Bird Brothers and Scott-man go and handle that, our world is going to be overtaken by re-animated chicken carcasses."

"Alright, go," Darcy nodded eagerly.  She reached for him and gave him a more chaste kiss this time.  "Be careful and hurry back."

"Absolutely," Steve promised.  

Natasha whizzed by the pair of them and ran into the children's bedroom.  She re-emerged quickly with dragging a few things behind her.  Her favorite blankie. The diaper bag that Steve had carted around the mall that very day.  And the new Strawberry Shortcake playset of Bucky's.  She hugged Darcy's legs briefly before rushing back out into the living room.

When Steve and Darcy followed, it was to the sight of Bucky changing Natasha out of her pajamas and into the Disney store Black Widow costume that was still far too big for her. He had already changed back into his clothing he had worn to the mall, along with a baseball cap and a small pair of little fingerless gloves.

“What do you two little superheroes think you are doing?” Darcy looked down at them with a little smile on her face.

“Goin wit Daddy,” Natasha explained cheerfully.  

“No, you’re not,” Darcy laughed.

“Ma, he can’t do it by himself with the dodo bird brothers and Little Lang,” Bucky explained earnestly.  

“You are children,” Darcy reminded him helpfully.

“We’re still super strong,” Bucky insisted.  “And I could shoot if I set up the gun right.”

“Absolutely not,” Steve said sternly.

“You’re gonna get your eyes pecked out by zombie chickens!” Bucky pointed a metal finger at Steve.

“I’ll be fine,” Steve was almost amused, but Natasha was now dressed and Bucky was rolling up her pant legs that were entirely too long. “Natasha, Bucky, you are staying at home with your Ma.”

“NO!’ Natasha wrinkled her nose at him in annoyance.  “You get hurt, Daddy.  No.”

“Nats, baby, I’ll be okay, I promise,” Steve bent down and put big hands on her shoulder and gave her a big, loving smile.  “Sam’s going to be there.  And you know he always has my back.”

“NO, Nats always has back,” Natasha argued.  “Nats tells little birdie what to do.”

Bucky nodded his agreement.  Enthusiastically.  

“I’ll be home tomorrow, no worse for the wear,” Steve promised, kissing the top of Natasha’s head, then leaning over to do the same to Bucky.  “Be good to your mother while I’m gone.”

“Nooooooo,” Natasha stamped her little feet once and used the awkward bend of Steve’s body as he smacked a kiss to the side of Bucky’s head.  She swung her little body, a competent Black Widow but in a smaller and more compact form.  In a half circle her body flew through the air and she wound with her legs around Steve’s neck, her arms wrapped Steve’s head and she dug her chin into the back of Steve’s skull.  “Nats goes wif.”

“Then I go with too!” Bucky insisted, leaping and wrapping his whole body around one of Steve’s legs.  

“Guys, who is going to protect me?” Darcy suddenly came to life, seeing Steve struggling.  It helped that Darcy had seen grownup Bucky and grownup Natasha reacting the same way.  They protected Steve, whether Steve knew it or not.  They only wanted to help him.  But she’d rather go and shoot at zombie chickens herself than allow the children to go.  “Me and Tony and Helen are going to be all alone, no one here to protect us.  What if bad guys come for us?”

Bucky looked up at her with distress.  

“I need someone to look after my best girl, pal,” Steve smiled down at Bucky.

“Oohhhhh,” Natasha made a little anxious noise.  She wanted to rejoice at hearing Steve say that.  And if there was anyone she wanted to protect more than Steve it was Darcy.  She looked down at Darcy and saw that the woman was being truthful.  She did look scared.  Natasha sighed and easily swung herself down and off Steve’s body, no matter it being six feet in the air.  She wrapped her arms around Darcy’s legs and sighed.  “Okay, Mommy.  Nats’ll protect you.”

“Thank you, baby,” Darcy smiled at her.  She gave a pleading look to Bucky, but it was for naught.  Where little Natasha went, little Bucky followed.

Bucky looked up at Steve sternly and pointed the metal finger at him again.  

“You better watch your steps, punk.”

“Will do, jerk.  You keep your Ma safe.  And Nats---”

Natasha made  raspberry sound.

“And Helen.  And Tony.”

“Yeah, okay,” Bucky nodded.  

“I love you, pal,” Steve smiled.

“Love you too, Pop,” Bucky nodded before going to Natasha and unwinding her from Darcy’s legs.  She pouted at him and he gave her a wink.  “Let ‘em say goodbye, Nats.”

“YES. BYE BYE,” Natasha said in excitement.  She didn’t let Bucky walk her very far away, as she wanted to see her adoptive parents kiss goodbye.

“Be careful,” Darcy said softly.

“You too,” Steve nodded.  He hadn’t even thought about Darcy and the children’s safety until she’d said something.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Darcy promised.  “Base only.”

“Good,” Steve nodded.  He gave her a look.  It was full of promise, and want and admiration.  “I have a lasagna in the freezer, all you need to do is put it in the oven.”

“No peanuts and jellies,” Natasha nodded.

“Kiss me, dummy,” Darcy smirked up at him.

“Yeah,” Steve nodded before holding his arms out for her again and kissing her more chastely than they had in the hallway minutes earlier.  

“Hmm, okay, zombie chickens.  Go kick zombie chicken butt,” Darcy kissed the tip of his nose before pulling away.

Steve nodded and walked backwards out of the room, staring at Darcy with a dreamy look.  He may have run into the doorway, causing Bucky to chuckle with laughter.  Darcy grinned and waved.  Before Natasha tugged on her pants.

“Mommy.  Do chickens got butts?”

Chapter Text

Chapter Eight: Bad Guys are Bad and Dumb and Stuff

"HI DADDY! HI!  HI! IS NATS. HI!"

Steve blew out a soft breath, feeling the corners of his lips turning upwards despite himself.  One of the SHIELD agents on the mission with him gave him an odd look, one full of disbelief and maybe a little bit of annoyance.

"It's not bring your kid to work day," the agent muttered.

"Hill, send me a new point man, this one is broken," Steve announced into the comm.  "Nats, baby, what are you doing?"

"We eat breakies and den brush a teeth and den get dressed and now inna gym and Nats found dis," Natasha explained and suddenly a loud banging sound came through the comm unit as she obviously banged it against something hard.  "Is Daddy okay?"

"I'm fine, Nats," Steve insisted.  They had travelled roughly forty-five minutes East of the New Avenger's facility, and had spent the better part of the evening planning meticulously for their attack.  They were five Avengers short thanks to Thor being offworld, and they had to be careful.  The world couldn't afford to lose anymore Avengers.

It was daybreak, and Steve had been longingly thinking about how his days had been starting as of late.  He very much missed waking up with Darcy's warm body cuddled against him.  He missed eating cereal with a very small Bucky, combining all kinds of sugary flavors in order to make the leftover milk in the bowl the sugariest and tastiest it could be.  He missed helping Helen make the beds, because while her intentions were always good, her arms were short and she needed some assistance to wrangle big blankets and pillows.  He even missed chasing Tony around his quarters in order to get the little boy to brush his teeth.  

"You get a bad guy?" Natasha wondered.  

"We're working on it, why don't you put the comm unit down and go and find your mother?" Steve wondered.

"She okay. James watch her," Natasha promised.  

"Honey, it would make Daddy a lot happier if you went to watch your mother with James," Steve admitted.  He knew she wasn't likely to budge so he went to the tried and true, "I'll make sure to bring you back some candy."

"Nats help get bad guy," Natasha said stubbornly.  "Go inna back, and dang 'im with a shield."

"She's right, Cap," Maria announced over the comms.  "We're getting satellite surveillance now, there's a back entrance, unguarded."

"I'm on it," Steve confirmed, taking off.

"Dang, dang dang, dangy dang!" Natasha called out happily, mimicking the sound that she thought the shield made when it bounced off of or collided with something or someone.  

"This is the best damned op we've ever run," Clint announced.

"Nats, baby, what are you doing?" Darcy could be heard over the comm as she and the rest of the children found Natasha in the Avenger's locker room.

"HI MOMMY! Daddy dang dang dang!" Natasha chirped cheerfully.

"Steve?" Darcy asked, taking the comm unit that Natasha was eagerly giving her.

"Hi sweetheart," Steve answered as he ran through the cover of trees to get back to the entryway of the building.

"Sweetheart?" Sam said in a teasing voice.

"Do I need to start teasing you about the nicknames my sweet Helen has given up regarding you?" Darcy demanded hotly.

"Please do," Clint encouraged.

"Sugarpants..." Darcy said with tinkling laughter.

"MY BOYFRIEND!" Helen called out joyously.  "HI BOYFRIEND! HI! HI!"

"Tell her I said hi," Sam insisted.

"Sugarpants says hi," Darcy offered.

"HI!" Helen called out excitedly.  

"We should probably let you get back to work," Darcy admitted as she heard Steve's shield connect with something hard, echoing the dang sound that Natasha was still parroting as she climbed up on Bucky's metal arm and let him throw her across the cushy gym mats.  She shouted out a loud Wahoo! each time and when she landed, made the "DANG" sound, so apparently she was Steve's shield and Bucky was tossing her.

"It's okay, I can still work," Steve huffed out a small sound exertion and the shield made its sound effect once more.  "I can still work and talk to you at the same time."

"Rookie mistake," Sam mumbled.  "Gotta give the lady your full attention, dude."

"Hush up, cookiebutt," Darcy ordered.

"COOKIEBUTT IS MY BOYFRIEND!" Helen squealed.  "I WANT TO TALK TO COOKIEBUTT!"

"You want to talk to cookiebutt, Helen? Alright, here you go..."

"HI!  HI COOKIEBUTT!  Hey, COOKIEBUTT?  Why does grownup me call you cookiebutt?" Helen wondered excitedly.  "I don't understand, cause boy butts are stinky.  I mean, Tony's butt is so stinky that sometimes it makes me cry a little, but your butt must smell like cookies and that's why I call you that."

"Please tell us, Cookiebutt, please tell us why grownup Helen calls you that?" Clint wondered hopefully.

"Go to hell, Barton," Sam said gruffly.

"OYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, you said a bad word," Helen scolded.  "You getta timeout."

"Yeah, you get a timeout," Maria chimed in.

"Sorry, Helen," Sam said genuinely.  He'd been working on the language for her.  It was a point of amusement for him, because grownup Helen swore like a damned sailor.  

"You gotta be good or you don't get a gold star for behavior," Helen told him sternly.  

"You tell him, Helen," Steve encouraged as he wrapped things up on his end.  "When we come back home, we should make Sam earn that good behavior star."

"Oh yes!  We can make him do chores and watch a video bout bein' a good kid and then, and then we can get a star for the chart! Mommy made it already and Daddy, daddy, guess what?  I already got THREE gold stars, cause I helped clean up breakfast and made Nats brush her teeths and then I helped Bucky make the bed!"

"That's great, Helen, I'm really proud of you," Steve grinned as he let the shield fly one more time, hitting the control unit in the middle of the room.

The room had not been well defended.  The action stopped outside and Steve furrowed his brow to look at the half dozen unconscious henchmen who had badly guarded the large computer and monitoring system in the middle of the room.  He stepped towards it cautiously, definitely thinking that it might be a trap.  There were six monitors on display.  Three of them were showing the facility that the truncated Avengers were currently dealing with.  One of them showed a surveillance camera to an empty, non-descript road.  Another had Steve's heart pounding faster.

"Helen, honey, give the comm unit back to Mommy," Steve requested as calmly as he could as he saw the sun rising on the live surveillance of the New Avenger's facility.

"Okay, daddy," Helen agreed.  "uh oh."

The sound of the klaxons going off was unmistakable over the comm unit.

Steve winced as the last and final surveillance screen flickered to life and he saw the feed taken from a body camera as it advanced through the hallways of the facility, heading straight for the gym.  They had not left Darcy and the children undefended.  Not by any means.  But the feed from the body camera showed that the attackers had not come unprepared and dozens of Shield recruits and Avengers security members were engaged in combat and most of them were falling.

"Hill, we leave now! The base is under attack," Steve roared out as he ran quickly back to the base of operations they had set up.  "Darcy? Darcy?  Can you hear me?"

"Mommy's busy, Daddy," Helen whispered.  "Me an Tony an Bucky an Nats are inna box. Mommy put us here. and Nat's no, mommy wants us here, we gotta get our gold star!"

"Shit," Steve whispered, and luckily, Clint had one of the quinjets already ready to go as Steve dove into it.  

"OYYYYY, Daddy, you swore!" Helen scolded.  

Steve nodded and felt his hands begin to shake as Clint took off with the bay doors still open, and Sam was rapidly flying towards them.  

"Hang on, Daddy'll be home soon."

Darcy Lewis was a lot of things.  

1.  Amazing and Loyal friend.  Thor had commissioned minstrels to put together odes and ballads in her honor.  Fandral had told her that they often brought him to tears.  Sometimes due to hysterical laughter, but they were touching nonetheless.

2.  Quick on her feet.  You don't make it through three and a half alien invasions without being quick on your feet.  Darcy was smart normally, but there was something about adrenaline and stress that made her even smarter.  Grownup Helen had tried to test her synapses to get an idea to what was going on up there in Darcy's noggin, but she'd come up short on viable readings.

3.  Hellcat in the sack.  But Steve would figure that out for himself a little later.  Let's just say that if the crown prince of the Alfheim northern region had no complaints.  He had also offered Odin a planet in order to secure her hand in marriage.  Odin had glared intensely at the man for a full half hour before walking away.  But yes, Steve was a lucky man.

Most importantly though, so important that it superseded being on a numbered list, was that Darcy Lewis was heedlessly protective of those things that mattered to her.  Natasha had often joked that had Darcy been born Russian, she'd have wound up in the White Room instead of the Red Room.  The White Room had been very similar to the Red Room in all of it's deadly arts, with one exception.  White Room graduates used their murderous and violent skill set to protect important people, where as Red Room graduates used their murderous and violent skill set to murder and be violent towards those that tried to harm important people.  

So when Friday had set off the alarm, Darcy had gone on auto pilot.  She'd rushed the four children, even the wiggly Natasha who was actively trying to get out of Darcy's hold, over to the side of the gym that contained a large,  heavy duty plastic container, about fifteen feet long, five feet deep and halfway full of weapons, both dangerous and mundane.  Darcy put each child in the container before taking the two practice ICER's that Tony had quickly turned on and handed off to Bucky to hand to Darcy.  Natasha made a whimpering raging sound as she grabbed one of her batons and then tried to vault herself up the high wall of the container to no avail.

"Stay there," Darcy whispered before closing the lid to the container.

She'd walked to the middle of the sparring mat when half a dozen attackers dressed in slick black combat gear barreled into the gym that a few minutes ago had been a little fun spot to take the kids to for play.  She didn't hesitate in bringing up the ICERs and taking out the closest two enemies, then quickly setting them to recharge.

Natasha was screaming out in a wailing rage now, her frustration causing her to sob as she tried to get out of the box to help her mother.  

"MY MOMMY!" Natasha yelled, banging tiny fists on the lid hard enough to move it.  

Darcy could just picture the little girl on top of Bucky's shoulders, trying to get out out.

"Sup, dudes," Darcy nodded at the remaining four men who were carefully advancing on her.  "Welcome to the New Avengers Facility.  We're sorry, but all the Avengers are currently out of the office.  If you'd like, you can leave your calling card, and I'll be sure to pencil you in for a righteous ass kicking."

"Who are the children?" one of the guys demanded.

"Last name Business, first name Nunya," Darcy shrugged nonchalantly before letting another icer charge fly.  Her aim was true once again, even at the very furtherest perimeter of the weapon's effectiveness and two more of the henchmen were down for the count.  

Jane always said that Darcy could talk down a hellhound on a warpath, and Darcy was certainly going to try.  

"Give us the children and we'll let you live," the man promised.

"Duuuude, the only way you're getting a hand on my kids is---you know, over my dead body," Darcy offered helpfully.  "Here's a warning, though.  Calvary is coming."

"You're right, they are coming," the man nodded and the gym doors burst open again, and he was joined by another dozen comrades.  "Give us the children or die."

Three things happened in very rapid succession, which Darcy guessed was a blessing, because lately, when bad things happened, it was often so many more of those bad things happening at once.

Firstly, the lid to the grownup weapons toy box blasted off it's hinges with a fireball.  

"My boyfriend let me use that once," Helen announced from within the box.  "To light fireworks!  Oh, Daddy, can we get fireworks, please?  If I'm very, very good?"

Immediately following the fireball, Tony rushed up into the air, powered by what had once been deemed a broken Iron Man guantlet, thrown carelessly into the weapons chest.  He'd obviously managed to fix it in a very short span of time and he flew up into the air, his one hand gripping Bucky's metal hand, who in turn, had Natasha wrapped around his body.  Both Bucky and Natasha had weapons in hand, the smallest that were available, which were crossbows that Clint had deemed too dangerous for his kids, but just the right size for smaller hands like Darcy.

Secondly, a gunshot went off and Darcy felt the stinging pain of it grazing her left bicep and she made a small yelp of pain.

"THAT'S MY MA! DON'T HURT HER!" Bucky roared, dropping to the ground in front of Darcy, with Natasha still wrapped around him.  Bucky began shooting indiscriminately, whereas Natasha simply dropped her weapon in front of Bucky before rushing at the legs of the nearest attacker.

"Nats, baby, no!" Darcy called out in vain as the little girl rammed her head into the knees of her victim, then brought up a sure and study fist into the groin of the man, having him keeling over in pain.

"HERE BUCKY! HERE!" Helen threw more cross bow bolts over the lid of the container she was still, thankfully safe in.  She was also still obviously chatting with Steve.  "No Daddy, don't worry.  We're doing good work, like when we clean up the toys!  Like when we sing the teamwork song.  Tell my boyfriend to stop worrying, I can hear he's swearing and that's so naughty!"

Thirdly, lastly, and thankfully, a viciously powerful rumble of thunder shook the rafters of the gym.  

Darcy saw the lights from the Bi-frost out of the corner of her eye and realized that her vision was blurring.  She looked down at her arm and realized that the bullet must have been laced with something to knock her or any of the kids out.  She blinked heavily and watched as Bucky made quick work of three of the attackers, adding fun new cross bolt holes in legs and arms and hands as quickly as he could.

Tony was whizzing around in some semblance of controlled chaos, clipping attackers with kicking feet.  He got a knee to the head of the man who had shot Darcy and let out a victorious holler when he did do it.  But one Iron Man gauntlet didn't give him a lot of control, so he had contented himself to being the annoying, buzzing fly that was distracting the bad guys from Natasha and Bucky, who were doing the real damage.

Natasha had physically climbed another and was gripping onto hair so tight that she was practically steering the man towards another man, where she pushed forward and had them collide in a mess of limbs before she gracefully fell forward and rolled onto the mat, just as she'd done a thousand times before while playing with Bucky.  She flipped a head full of wild red curls up and looked over at Bucky with a big happy grin on her face.

The smile turned into alarm as Darcy fell to her knees behind Bucky.  

"Mommy!" Natasha cried out, stamping on the instep of someone who tried to make a grab for her before rushing blindly towards Darcy, her little heart hammering wildly as Darcy slumped to a heap of unconsciousness on the ground.

Bucky had dropped the cross bow immediately and turned to look at Darcy, his hand reaching for the little line of blood showing through the t-shirt she had thrown on that morning.  It was a robin's egg blue color and the sleeve was rapidly turning red with Darcy's blood.  Grownup Bucky would have known it was a flesh wound and that Darcy's current state was due to something else entirely.

Six-year-old Bucky had no idea.  He fell to his knees and put his hands over the wound.

"MA!  MA!  Please be alright!" he cried out anxiously.  "Hells how do I stop a bleeding?"

"MOMMY'S BLEEDING?" Helen wailed.  "NO!!!!!!!!!  I HAVE BANDAIDS COME AND GET ME OUT! COME AND GET ME OUT!  Daddy, Daddy you gotta hurry, mommy's bleeding and I'm stuck inna box and I don't gots my cradle and on no! I'm too little!  Come home, come home now!"

Natasha let out of a piercing shriek as finally the head henchman scooped her off the ground, staring at her in bewilderment.

"You are the Black Widow?" he chuckled.  "So small and adorable and helpless."

Natasha swung in the hold the man had on her and kicked him square in the nose in two rapid strikes, her little heart lighting up with the sound of crunching bones.  

"Little bitch!"

"HEY!  Don't call her that!" Tony yelled, smacking the man in the back of the head with the gauntlet as he flew by.  He looked up at the skylight in the gym and grinned.  "INCOMING! TAKE COVER!"

Natasha bit the wrist of the man who had snatched her and she dropped to the ground, landing in crouch before dashing towards Bucky and Darcy.  The skylight shattered, sending glass everywhere, but Natasha didn't care about the little scratches blooming on her arms as she threw her arms around Darcy and wailed against her neck.  

"Mommy mommy please wake up!" she pleaded.

Bucky was torn between giving into the urge to act just as Natasha was acting, or to see what had fallen through the skylight, so that he could better defend them if he needed to.  He watched as a very large man with very cool blonde hair lifted a big, heavy looking hammer and smashed it against the midsection of the man who had tried to hold Natasha earlier.  He then made quick work of the remaining men before staring at Tony in wonder.

"It's about time you got here, Big Kahuna," Tony said irritably.  He pointed to Darcy anxiously.  "You gotta help her, she's hurt!"

"Tiny man of iron.  You are much changed since I saw you last," Thor nodded.  He looked towards where Tony was pointing and his face became full of concern as he approached quickly.

Bucky reached for his crossbow and pointed it at the newcomer.

"Look pal, I don't know who you are, but this is my ma, and if you try and hurt her, I'm gonna have to hurt you even harder, understand?" Bucky demanded.

Natasha sniffled and looked up, relief flooding big, tear filled blue eyes.  She put a hand on Bucky's shoulder and gave him a reassuring squeeze.

"Thor!" She sniffled.  "Mommy's hurt."

"Nay, she will be fine," Thor promised, going to Darcy and lifting her up, thereby lifting Natasha up as well.  "Where is the good Doctor Helen?  She shall patch her up swiftly."

"I'm in the box!" Helen called out.  "I stayed in the box the whole time like Mommy told me too, even though I wanted to help more too, but I didn't and that means I dependently get a new gold star for good behavior.  Right Daddy?"

Chapter Text

Chapter Nine:  One Ticket to Cuddletown

Clint completely understood when Sam had taken off from the quinjet with Captain America strapped to him in his Captain America sized baby bjorn.  The moment the gun went off over the comm units, Sam and Steve had taken off in the hopes of getting to the facility faster.  The quinjet was already making its descent, but Sam could supposedly descend faster.  It might have come at the loss of brain cells due to the rapid decline in altitude, but obviously Steve and Sam were willing to risk it in order to be back at the facility faster.

And Clint would never, ever be openly smug to Steve and Sam's face when he got out of the landed quinjet essentially at the same time as Steve and Sam touched down on the ground.  He had told them that he landed a quinjet faster than anyone else could, but that wasn't fast enough, apparently.  Even if they got on the ground at the same time.  So there.

And Clint would absolutely not ever tease or taunt Steve or Sam for sprinting into the compound medical facility, where a security liaison had told them everyone would be over the comms ten minutes ago.  

Clint knew what it felt like, after all.  To care so much about someone that you'd risk personal safety and brain cells and overall chill to get back to them faster.

All in all it had been fifteen minutes since Darcy had been shot and Thor had appeared. There was no answer as to why Darcy was passed out yet, the comm unit had gone eerily silent on the Avenger's compound side, and Clint thought it was a blessing.  He hated to hear Natasha crying and sobbing about the state of Darcy.  Clint watched as Steve outpaced Sam through the halls of the medical facility and rushed towards the room where Avenger's were usually taken for recovery from missions.

Captain America busted through the door of the room, knocking it off its hinges and  Clint couldn't help but smirk and shake his head a little at Steve's dramatics.  Clint's mental teasing ceased though when he came upon the room.  Sam had caught up to Steve eventually and he currently had Helen attached to his chest like a barnacle, and the little girl was sniffling and crying.  

"I can't make Mommy better cause I'm too small, and I wanna make a new cradle I can carry wif me all the time like a boo-boo zapper, so this kind of stuff can't happen to Mommy anymore," Helen sniffled.  "And Boyfriend, I was so scared cause there was guns 'n stuff and bad guys and alls I could do was give Bucky more tiny fat arrows to hurt bad guys wif and it was awful and I really need a nap!"

"Okay, honey, alright," Sam nodded, relief etching across his features as he let the fact that aside from needing a nap, Helen was completely unscathed.  Sam looked down at Tony, who was biting at his bottom lip anxiously.  "Tony, you need a nap too?"

"Uh huh, don't want to leave Mom though," Tony mumbled, looking to where Darcy was laying on the bed, unmoving and pale, with a quietly crying Natasha curled against her arm.  Steve was on his knees next to the bed, a shaking mess as he pressed his palm against Darcy's cheek.  "She's okay, right?"

"She's going to be fine," Steve promised, although it didn't sound like he was entirely convinced.  It sounded more like a question.  He was whispering, barely heard with the chaos of the rest of the room, but Natasha and Bucky could definitely hear him.  "Cause I can't do this alone, Darcy.  I can't.  And not just the kids.  Just...I need you, and I don’t know if I can ever stop needing you now.  So open up those gorgeous eyes, doll, please?"

"Mommy," Natasha whimpered.  She popped up suddenly and teary blue eyes widened.  "Daddy kiss Mommy like a movies do."

"Yes, like Sleeping Beauty!" Helen nodded eagerly.  "True love's kiss!  Yes, that'll work!"

"Medical professional, Helen Cho," Sam smiled.  

"Please, daddy, please?" Natasha begged, clearly desperate for a solution.  Her chubby hand lay against Steve's and she petted at his skin beseechingly.  

Steve smiled at Natasha and gave her a little nod before leaning forward just a little more and letting his lips press against Darcy's very gently.  He would never be able to explain the way the relief spilled over him when he heard Darcy let out a sleepy little moaning sound.  It was immediate and all consuming and he very quickly realized that Darcy Lewis was incredibly important to him and he wanted her to be awake and lucid so he could tell her that.  

"MOMMY!" Natasha pushed Steve away from Darcy immediately, two strong little hands pushing against his face so hard that he fell back on his heels.  

"She'll be out of it for another ten minutes while the sedatives work through her body," a nurse advised as she walked in.  

"What is her oxygen saturnation?" Helen demanded bossily, squirming to be let go out of Sam's hold so she could interrogate the nurse that she was usually the boss of.  

"Dr. Helen, she's going to be fine," the nurse promised with an indulgent smile.  "The sedative was lower in dosage because I believe it was meant for---smaller persons."

Steve looked up at that.  He surveyed the nurse carefully and asked politely, "Please go to Director Hill with your concerns.  Thank you so much."

Steve watched as Natasha continued to coo at Darcy and pet at her cheeks as Darcy remained unconscious, but seemed to be slowly working her way out of it.  He reached a hand out and took one of Natasha's gently, surveying small little red lines that looked like they might be scratches on her hands and forearms.

"What happened here?" Steve asked gently.  Natasha healed faster than the average human, so the scratches were probably scary little cuts in her skin half an hour ago.  "Nats, you okay baby?"

Bucky, who had been silent and standing near the back corner of the room facing the door, using the vantage point to be able to assess any and all who entered, made a small whimpering sound.  Steve stole a look Bucky's way and saw that the little boy was clearly being tormented by the state of Darcy and Natasha.  

"It is my fault, Steven, I apologize," Thor said genuinely as he strode through the door to Darcy's room, Mjolnir gripped in his right hand, his cape gone but the rest of him still covered in his Asgardian armor.  "Heimdall had said the situation was desperate for the Lady Darcy and the---children.  So my entrance was through the skylight of the gymnasium."

"Nats okay, Daddy," Natasha promised.  

Bucky made a small sound again and Steve gave a quick, gentle kiss to Darcy's forehead before standing.  He walked over to Bucky and knelt in front of him.  

"Do you want to talk in the hallway or do you need to stay inside with your Ma and Nats?" Steve whispered.

"Gotta stay here, please, Stevie," Bucky begged, his blue eyes glittering with tears.

"Alright," Steve nodded.  He stood and looked at Helen and Tony, who were surprisingly subdued.  Natasha was still cuddled against Darcy, placing kisses on the top of Darcy's right hand over and over again.  "It is naptime, guys..."

"I don't wanna leave my Mom," Tony wrinkled his nose.  "What if those bad guys come back again?"

"Tony, you know that I'll protect your Mom with everything I have," Steve promised.

"Yeah," Tony looked down at his feet, kicking at imaginary rocks with his toes.  

"Tiny Stark!" Thor grinned down at him.  "My dear Jane and Darcy have taught me to build comfortable nests of pillows and blankets before.  They are quite comfortable and Lady Jane can always rest inside of them comfortably.  I require assistance in building one for myself, and you have always excelled at building."

"A pillow fort?" Tony blinked up at Thor owlishly.

"And blankets!" Helen clapped her hands together.

"We could even just build it out in the hallway," Sam smiled.  "So you can be close to Darcy."

"Can we name it Softy Mcflufferville?" Helen wondered.

"No, Hells, we should name it Poofy Blankiesport!" Tony insisted.  They both began walking out of the room before both children stopped in their tracks simultaneously and rushed back to Darcy's bed.  Steve smiled and lifted each up so they could give Darcy a kiss on the cheek before hugging them both.

"I'm so glad you're both okay.  You were both very brave," Steve sighed against Helen's hair.  He did the same for Tony and whispered, "You were such a brave, strong boy, Tony.  I'm very, very proud of you."

Tony blushed and scampered away from Steve quickly, clearly pleased and embarrassed and unused to praise like that.  With Helen and Tony taken care of, Steve looked to Natasha, who seemed to know what was coming next.  Steve walked calmly over to Bucky before lifting him up off the ground and hugging him fiercely.

"NO, no! POP NO! I gotta watch!" Bucky squirmed against him.

"You're okay, Buck, you're okay, pal, I promise.  You don't gotta watch right now," Steve soothed him.

"She got hurt she got hurt cause a me. Her and Nats  is hurt cause I wasn't doin' it right!" Bucky insisted.  "I was bad and they got hurt!"

"No Bucky, that's not true at all," Steve promised.  Something inside of him broke as Bucky became overwrought very quickly, gulping, gasping sobs coming out of his small body, rattling the little plates on the vibranium arm.

"You gotta find a way to make me big again, you gotta!" Bucky sobbed against Steve.  "I can't be so small, what if Hydra found out and tried to grab me to make me a new Winter Soldier again? I couldn't stop em, and they'd hurt my Ma and they'd hurt my Nats and Tony and Helen and you!  I gotta be big again to protect 'em!"

"James Buchanan Barnes, you listen to me and you listen good," Steve murmured against his temple.  "None of this is your fault.  You are a good boy, and you did a very good job protecting your ma and everyone else today. I'm so proud of you, Bucky."

"If'n I was bigger they'd be safer," Bucky sniffled.

"Maybe," Steve nodded.   

"You should let the scientists test the stuff out on me," Bucky whispered.  "Any kind of cure or anything to see if it works."

"That's not going to happen, pal," Steve insisted.  "When they have something that might work, then we're going to try it on something else.  And when they know for sure it'll work and won't hurt you, that’s when it gets tried on you."

"But---"

"Buck, I'm not letting you be a lab rat for scientists ever again," Steve swore.  "Your ma won't hear of it either."

Natasha sat up at that and climbed carefully off of Darcy's bed.  She then climbed up Steve's body efficiently so that he had no choice but to hold both Bucky and her.  Natasha cuddled against Bucky and pet at his hair lovingly.

"Is okay James, Nats can be little and fight.  James too. Mommy okay."

"How about this?" Steve offered a solution.  "Daddy's not letting Mommy out of his sight.  She's never gonna get hurt again."

"Pop, you can't---"

"Bucky, grownup you knows that you can't argue with me," Steve promised.  "Little you should know that too."

"Yes, Daddy wif Mommy all the time!" Natasha whispered excitedly.  "kissing and hugging and in da bed and in da showers and inna---"

"Nats, hush," Bucky let out what sounded like a little laughing sound at Natasha's eagerness to see Darcy and Steve practically married.  

"Do you two want to go help build the pillow and blanket fort?" Steve wondered.

"Nah, let Tony do it, he's good at building stuff," Bucky shrugged.  "Can we---can--"

"Anything you want, so long as it's not beating yourself up or volunteering for medical experiments," Steve promised.

"Can we cuddle with Ma?" Bucky wondered hopefully.

"Sounds nice," Darcy murmured on the bed, finally blinking her eyes open.  She gave a little groggy half smile when Steve whirled in a circle with two children attached to him.  She felt her cheeks color at the look on Steve's face.

Relief.  Certainly that flooded through his eyes.  His lips parted at the same time as they lifted up at the corners a little.

Happiness was there sparkling in his eyes.

His cheeks tinged just a little pink too as something went over him that Darcy couldn't quite identify.  But if she had to, she'd probably equate it with the warmth currently rushing through her at seeing him in front of her, safe and whole and unscathed.  

They really needed to have that talk.

"Everyone okay?" she wondered.  "Where are Tony and Helen?"

"Thor and Sam are building a blanket fort with them in the hall," Steve explained quickly.  "Everyone is okay."

"Awww,  they’re building a cuddletown? That's my job," Darcy wiggled in bed even as Steve approached her, two children still in his arms.  She smiled softly when Steve unloaded his tiny cargo and she sighed happily when Natasha cuddled against one side and Bucky cuddled against her other.

"Sorry, ma," Bucky whispered.

"Bucky, there's nothing to be sorry for," Darcy insisted.  "You did a great job protecting us."

"Love you, mommy," Natasha gave her a smacking kiss on the cheek before settling on the bed better.   "Nats sleep now."

"Okay baby, you sleep," Darcy looked over at Steve, who was still in his uniform, sitting on the very edge of the bed, staring down at her in wonder.

"Love you, ma," Bucky whispered.

"I love you, too, Bucky," Darcy kissed the top of his head.  

Steve inhaled a small, audible breath before he very quickly lay himself down on the bed, squashing against Bucky and reaching a long arm around the trio.  He pulled the three of them all to his chest and felt as if his heart would explode at the feelings pounding right on through it.  Natasha was out like a contented little light quickly, but Bucky was still stubbornly blinking against sleep.

"Hey," Darcy whispered above Bucky's head, smiling at Steve.

"Hey," he smiled back at her.

"So..."

"We're together now," Steve said bluntly.  He blushed and shrugged when Bucky snorted sleepily.  "I mean, we're together now?  I mean to say---you're---"

"I'm your best girl, Steven Grant Rogers," Darcy smiled at him.  "And you're my favorite fella."

"I'm your favorite fella," Bucky mumbled.

"It's a three way tie, because I really like Tony too," Darcy promised.

"Good," Steve grinned at her.  "I'd like to take you out on a date when things settle a little?"

"To a flicker? Taught you better than that," Bucky teased, although his words were slurred and drowsy.

"To dinner," Steve clarified. "Somewhere nice?"

"Hmmm," Darcy nodded.  "I'm not waiting for our kids to grow up to date you, Steve."

"Alright," Steve couldn't help but smile at that eager thought.

"So, how about a picnic? On the grounds?  We'll get babysitters," Darcy suggested.

"I don't need 'em," Bucky sleepily argued.

"Thor could take Bucky flying?" Darcy suggested.  

"Yes, good, date my Ma," Bucky nodded as his eyes slipped shut to small little dreams of flying way up high.

Speak of the devil, Thor opened the door to Darcy's room, giving the current cuddle pile of Steve, Darcy, Bucky and Natasha a curious glance before shrugging.  His arms were full of pillows taken from other patient rooms and he had a bed sheet where his cape normally went.  

"I know how you adore cuddletowns, Lady Darcy, so we shall build the fort to expand into your room now!"

Natasha sat up right very quickly and launched a spork that Darcy had not known had been placed under her pillow at Thor.  It clattered against the chestplate to his armor harmlessly and fell to the floor.

"NATS SLEEPIN' SHUSH BIG FAT HEAD!!"

Chapter Text

Chapter Ten:  Dream Date, Rated G

“Darcy, you’re free to go,” the nurse announced cheerfully as she swept into the room about five hours after the attack.  The children had spent a good amount of time napping in Softy McBlankiesport with Thor once it had been constructed, then disappeared with him for a short amount of time.  

“What took so long?  We have to get the kids fed,” Darcy sighed as Steve hovered very close to her.  He’d not left her the whole time she’d been in the medical wing.  It was sweet, but just a little annoying.  

Especially when Maria Hill had video conferenced him for a debrief on the zombie mutant chickens.  Sharon had stopped by in person for a mostly awkward visit to get papers signed off on to approve bringing in some of Charles Xavier’s people.  And when the great purple one had phased through the door to ask Steve if he would approve Wanda and Vision going to Tibet to visit a rumored mystic who might be able to assist, Darcy had lost it and banned any other visitors from her room.

For his part Steve had taken his phone and attempted to flush it down the toilet in the private room’s ensuite in order to allow himself and Darcy some peace.  It had gone unspoken, but it appeared that Thor had taken the children for a spin, and both Darcy and Steve intrinsically knew that they were safe with the Asgardian.  Once visitors had been banned and the phone had mostly been flushed, Steve lay back down next to Darcy and pulled her into his arms, allowing himself the liberty of snuggling against her indiscriminately.  

He was out like a light five minutes into said snuggling and had been snoring like a log in Darcy’s ear ever since.  And it said something to how much she liked him that she didn’t mind one bit.  She was actually kind of flattered that he could be so relaxed around her.  Steve wasn’t the kind of man to let his guard down easily, and his nearly boneless body heavy against her uninjured arm, the large hand resting on her opposite hip showed just how relaxed he was.

And Steve was truly an adorable snorer.  

“Well, we had to clear a path in Softy McBlankietowne,” the nurse explained glibly.

“What?” Steve finally woke, sitting straight up immediately, looking ready to fight and defend as he angled his body in front of Darcy’s.  Her hand on his back, rubbing up and down had him nearly boneless again and he woke up to his surroundings a little.  “Where are the kids?”

“Hi Daddy! Did you have a nice nap?” Helen chirped as she skipped inside, followed by the other three children, looking windswept and rosy cheeked.  “My boyfriend took me flying and then Uncle Thor took Bucky and Tony and Natasha and---wait, are you getting disbarred?”

“Discharged, yes,” the nurse smiled down at her boss.  

“Oh.  Okay,” Helen nodded and turned to face Natasha and Bucky.  “Team meeting!”

Tony angles his head into the other three children and listened to whatever Helen was excitedly whispering about.  At one point, the nurse caught wind of a particularly excited whisper and suddenly Tony and Bucky were off like a rocket to do something with happy looks of excitement on their faces.  

“Dr. Helen...I don’t---” the nurse began.

“I’m technologically your boss, amember?” Helen put little hands on little hips and stared up at the nurse with a delightfully smug look on her face.

The nurse sighed and looked to Steve. “I’m getting a raise right?”

“Huge,” Steve nodded, he looked at Helen with an arched brow.  “Helen, you’re allowed to to be a strong, decisive---”

“Bossy,” Darcy gave her a wink.

“Little girl,” Steve finished.  “ But , you still have to be polite while you’re doing it.”

Helen nodded and looked back up at the nurse with a friendly, sunshiney smile and said, “I’m technologically your boss, amember please ?”

“Huge raise,” the nurse nodded.  

“Huge,” Steve nodded.  “We’re free to go?”

“Ah ah ah,” Helen interrupted.  “My medical wing, my rules.”

“Helen, no!” Darcy whispered.

She’d thought it had been hilarious when grown up Helen had told her the rules of her medical wing.  First off, any Avenger coming back from the field had to be checked for injury.  There was a quinjet landing pad on the roof, and they went one at a time through a room that scanned them for injury.  Anyone who scanned as having trauma was locked in the room until Helen could get them treated.  

And then, most importantly, (and Steve suspected it was a move to show dominance over the Avengers), the injured was not allowed to walk, no matter the injury.  The had the choice of a gurney or a motorized wheelchair.  Clint had loved getting injured then, because he always chose the motorized wheelchair/scooter and always drove recklessly throughout the halls.  Natasha had been the toughest sell, and Helen had often given her mild sedatives in order to get her strapped down.  

“It’s barely a scratch on my arm,” Darcy refuted.  “I’m not being carted or wheelchaired out of here.”

“Rules are rules, doll,” Steve said under his breath, an understanding smile on his face.  He had always hated to be carted around medical, even after his serum enhanced body had knitted together the bad wounds.  “Little ears and eyes are watching you.”

“Damn,” Darcy breathed.  She held out her arms to Steve, “Take me to one of the wheelchairs. I think tonight has to be a pizza night after all and we have to do laundry because--- oh .”

Her breath caught as Steve scooped her up in his arms, bridal style and his lips pressed against her temple.  She sighed and cuddled against him, before a cooing sound caught her attention.  She looked down towards the front door and sure enough, Natasha was standing there with chubby hands on her blushing cheeks, swaying back and forth and emitting the happy cooing sounds.  

“SO CUTE!” Natasha squeaked out.  

“She is cute, isn’t she, Nats?” Steve nodded, placing a firm kiss on Darcy’s forehead, causing Natasha to squirm in excited happiness again.

“I’ll go and get the wheelchair,” the nurse shook her head in amusement.  Many a nurse had been hoping that Captain Rogers would find a nice girl someday and settle down, and it looked like they might have been going a little backwards about it.  Apparently he just needed to find the kids and the nice girl would follow.  

“Nats, Helen, do you girls want pizza for dinner?” Darcy wondered.  

“Nooooooooooo,” Helen wrinkled her nose.  

“We’ll get them to keep it all separate for you,” Steve promised.

“NO pizza, no!” Natasha wagged her finger at her parents .  She then immediately began squirming and making her cooing noise again as she took in the way Steve was effortlessly holding Darcy to him like he was a dashing prince and she was a beautiful princess who had slayed her own dragon and now needed to be carted off.

The sound of a small explosion didn’t cause Natasha or Helen to flinch at all.  The little girls were placid and smiling as the Nurse came back in the room and pointed at Steve.

“Big raise!” she muttered.

“Gigantic,” Steve promised.  “What’d they do?”

“Nothing, we didn’t do nothing!” Tony insisted as he and Bucky rushed back to the room, looking red faced and guilty.

“The wheelchairs are broken,” the nurse reported.  “SOMEONE seems to have sabotaged them.  And that SOMEONE might be getting a rough hand next time he comes through for a prostate exam.”

“What’s a prostate?” Tony demanded as Helen winced a little.  “What’s she gonna do to my prostate?!?”

“Captain Rogers?  Please...just go.”

“I can walk,” Darcy squirmed in Steve’s capable hold.

“MY RULES, MOMMY!  MY RULES!” Helen stamped her feet.  

“Helen Cho!  I can walk!” Darcy scolded.  “You are gonna lose a gold behavior star!”

“That’s not fair!” Tony called out and Bucky nodded.  “She’s not misbehavin’ she’s making sure you follow the rules! That should mean an extra gold star!”

Darcy’s face reddened, finding herself caught.  

“MOMMY!  If you don’t calm down you are going to make your blood pincher go up too high!” Helen wagged her finger.  “Let Daddy carry you home, that’ll be almost following the rules good enough.”

Natasha did her squirmy dance again and put her hands on her reddened cheeks.  Bucky made a little chuckle at her and ruffled the red curls on top of her head.

“You little imps,” Darcy turned her head into Steve’s chest and he could feel the heat coming off of her cheeks.  She looked up at him through her eyelashes and said, “Sorry you have to haul me back to the---”

“Shhh, it’s my pleasure, sweetheart,” Steve smiled down at her.  “And you have to give it to the kids.  They’re amazingly talented and smart when they want to be.  And anything that has Tony and Bucky working in a team is a good thing.”

Once inside of Steve’s quarters, their quarters, it felt like, Darcy finally squirmed out of Steve’s hold once he crossed the threshold and looked down at her with his pink cheeks and steely, blue eyes full of wonder and a softness that not very many people had been given the luxury of seeing.  He still held his hands on her hips even after he put her down and bent his head to put his lips gently against hers.

“This gonna be happening all the time now?” Tony whispered to Bucky.

“Dunno, I don’t think he never had the chance to have a lady, a Darcy so close to him all the time before,” Bucky whispered back.  “Please don’t be a brat, they’re so happy...and I can’t stop Nats from hurting you if you try to mess with---”

“Hey, I like ‘em too.  They’re--- cute ,” Tony shrugged.  “And Mom is so nice and I love her lots.  And Steve...he’s the only dude that could you know...deserve her.”

“Yeah,” Bucky grinned as Darcy kept trying to get away, and Steve kept making grabs for her to bring her to his lips again.  

“ ‘Sides, he’s LOADS better than that yucky guy she used to date,” Tony nodded.  Bucky gave him a curious look and Tony wrinkled his nose in distaste.  “ Ian , he was too young and stupid for a nice girl like Darcy.  Always had his head in a science experiment and never gave her the dates and cuddles and cute little kisses that she deserves.  Like that…”

Steve chased after Darcy again, this time picking her clear off her feet once more and laying a big one on her.  Natasha suddenly appeared and began her happy dance.

"If some guy disrespected my Ma, we should probably go and have a talk with him," Bucky wrinkled his nose.

"YES! Nats smash him!" Natasha clapped her hands together, before looking back to Darcy and Steve and stomping her little feet a few times in an excited little jig.

“Gross,” Tony shuddered at the sounds of smacking lips.  Natasha stopped her giddy squirming and pointed a chubby finger at Tony in a threatening gesture.  “But cute, gross and cute.”

“C’mon Nats, we gotta get Mommy changed,” Helen whispered.  There’d be plenty of time to watch them place kisses all over each other’s faces.

Natasha sighed before reluctantly going to Darcy and Steve and super reluctantly pushing them apart.  Steve looked down at her in concern.  It wasn’t like Natasha to want him to stop kissing Darcy.  

“You hungry, baby?” Steve wondered.

“No, is time for datin’,” Natasha nodded decisively, pulling Darcy by her shirt front towards the children’s bedroom.  

Helen had her hands on her hips and she pointed at Bucky and Tony.  “You gots to get Daddy changed too.”

“Helen,” Steve said in a cajoling voice.

“Please,” Helen added sweetly, before turning and rushing after Darcy and Natasha.  

Steve looked down at the boys curiously, and was about to ask a question when Thor popped his head into the still open door.  

“Is it time yet, young ones?  I have the delivery!”

“Give us a minute, Pointy Break!” Tony hissed, grabbing Steve’s hand and leading him back to the room he shared with Darcy.  “We gotta get them into costume!”

”Costume?” Steve repeated, his expression a healthy mix between amused and nervous.

“For your dream date!” Bucky supplied with a suspicious looking little grin.  “C’mon, Helen’ll cry and Nats’ll bash us if we don’t get you changed.  And I don’t feel like getting bashed, cause I think she raided her secret weapons stash in the med ward and I don’t want to need another new arm.”

Tony had apparently discovered that he had a lot of money, and that he technically had the authority to make Friday order him whatever he could wish for.  So between himself, Helen, Natasha, Bucky and Thor, they had spared no expense in creating what they thought to be the perfect date for their lovely guardians.  

“Stop messing with your collar, geez, Pop, you act like you don’t know how to wear a suit anymore that isn’t covered in the American flag,” Bucky swatted at Steve’s elbow.  “You’ll wrinkle yourself before Ma can see you and I’m too little to work the steamer on my own.  But when I’m bigger I need one of those, cause Scott got the wrinkles out of this here suit real good.”

Steve smiled down at Bucky.  The little boy clearly remembered that he was normally a very fastidious dresser.  But still, Steve knew Bucky had never worn a getup quite like this.  He was in uniform, but it wasn’t his work uniform and it wasn’t his dress uniform.  If he had to describe it, it would probably be some sort of ceremonial military dress uniform from a few hundred years ago.  

He was wearing Regency era fall front trousers, bright blue in color and not at all modest or in the least bit similar to the sweat pants and track pants he had been wearing nonstop since the children became children.  They’d somehow managed to squeeze a blinding white waistcoat on him, with tails , and it felt like the fabric would rip at any moment as it stretched across his shoulders and biceps.  The coat had brass buttons and golden shoulder pads and Steve loved the kids, he did.  He’d be willing to do anything for them.

But this seemed like a stretch, even for him.

“What am I supposed to be again?” Steve wondered.

“Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid ,” Tony explained again.  “Geez, Steve, we watch the movie once a day for Bucky, you think you’d remember.”

“Ma always says he was so handsome when he’s all gussied up,” Bucky shrugged.  “She’ll like the outfit.  Oh, here, the flowers.”

Bucky put a very large bouquet of red roses and baby’s breath in his hands.  The bouquet was at least half as big as Darcy.  Steve may have been ice napping during the entirety of the eighties, but even he knew that the flowers were a little bit much.  He’d have preferred just giving her one rose.  But Tony was grinning with pride at his selection, and Steve didn’t have the heart to complain.  

The door to the children’s room opened and Natasha came bounding out, running to the living room and taking a seat where she could see everything unfold.  She looked at Steve and fairly melted , and Steve decided not to complain about the get up, because Natasha was in heaven at the sight of him and Helen was jumping up and down excitedly at her first glance.

“You is so handsome, Daddy, you is so handsome!  My boyfriend is gonna have to dress up so nice when I’m bigger so that he can look as handsome as you!” Helen clapped her hands together and rushed over to the couch to stand next to Natasha.  The boys soon joined them and they waited with baited breath for Darcy’s entrance.

“I don’t want to!” Darcy called out.

“MOMMY C”MERE!!” Natasha screeched impatiently.

“It should fit fine, Mom,” Tony insisted.  “Friday said she had your measurements on record from when I built you the amazing bra for your ginormous cans!”

Thor snorted from his place in the kitchen where he was preparing the rest of the romantic meal that he had been commissioned by the children to put together.  He had raided the kitchens of his little used quarters, finding all kinds of important ingredients for the romantic meal.  And the wild rack of elk had been delivered in time and was currently spinning atop a flame he had built outside on the front lawn.  He was more than happy to do so.  Heimdall needed another twelve hours before he could transport Thor back to Asgard to reunite with Jane and Bruce and bring them a new task of finding a way to end the quartet’s childhood.  And Thor had always thought that Darcy and Steve were well suited for one another.  If he had known Steve was ready to find a life partner, he would have certainly suggested it earlier.  

“Mommy please ,” Helen whined.  “Don’t make me come back there, I don’t want to be bossy, but please, please, please .”

“C’mon, Ma, I want to see how pretty you are!” Bucky added.  “Bet you’re pretty as a picture. Please?”

It was probably Bucky’s last please that did it.  Steve knew that Darcy was an absolute sucker for tiny Bucky Barnes.  He worried for a moment what would happen when Bucky was larger.  For sure, she’d still probably have  a soft spot for Bucky, but hopefully Bucky wouldn’t abuse it and get her to do all sorts of things to rile Steve up.  

Or maybe he wouldn’t mind getting riled.  

His mouth went completely dry as Darcy came out, carefully stepping through the doorway around a big, poofy, green, sparkling ballgown.  She was dressed up in the pale green fabric, shimmering under the normal overhead lighting of the standard issue quarters like she was magic poured into the shape of a perfect woman.  Long satiny green gloves went all the way up her arms.  Her bosom was pushed up so high, defying gravity and so prettily on display in the completely sleeveless ballgown.  

“We don’t match,” Darcy whispered as she was staring at Steve in much the same way he was staring at her.  In wonderment and delight and with a sort of wry understanding that they were doing this for the four little kids staring at them over the back of the couch.  And the tall Asgardian puttering around in the kitchen.  “You’re Prince Eric.”

“Bucky picked out Daddy’s clothes and Natasha picked out Mommy’s clothes,” Helen explained.  “So they picked their favorites, but Daddy couldn’t be dressed as Mulan cause you told us it wasn’t proper to bring weapons to the dinner table.”

Natasha nodded sullenly.  She loved bringing weapons to the table.  And also taking weapons from the dinner table.  Butter knives were especially handy, but she’d settled for sporks many a time.

“Tiana’s a best princess,” Natasha explained.  Her love for Tiana edged out her own love for Mulan.  The tiny tot appreciated a princess who worked so darned hard.  And she preferred the music, too.

“You look beautiful,” Steve smiled as Darcy bit at her bottom lip.  He reached out and tucked a curl behind her ear before straightening up his posture and offering her his arm, the fabric audibly straining at the movement.  “Shall we?”

Bucky hopped off the couch and stood at the side, yanking on the arm to position it to optimum watching position.  Darcy gave them a funny little look as Steve pushed her chair in.

“Just pretend we’re not here!” Tony called out gaily.  A knock on the door sounded and he fist pumped, “Our pizza is here!  Come in, Lang!”

Scott entered with five boxes of pizza and three plastic bags full of styrofoam containers.  He stared at Steve and Darcy as they sat and sipped out of wine glasses full of green koolaid and shook his head.

“You guys don’t match,” Scott said.  

“TIANA’S BETTER’N  AIR EL!” Natasha yelled, holding out her hands.  “PIZZA!”

Scott nodded eagerly, knowing better than to cross Natasha no matter what age she currently was.  He dropped the pizza on the coffee table and turned, ready to high-tail it out of there before he came to a sudden stop in front of Steve, reaching out a hand to cup at a bicep that was straining to bust out of the jacket.  Scott shook his head in wonder, muttered a simple Un-freaking-believable , before meandering back out of the apartment.

“Are we eating pizza?” Darcy wondered hopefully.  She had not really eaten any of the food the nurse had brought to her that day aside from pudding cups.  Pizza sounded heavenly, and it was why she had suggested it earlier.

“Nope,” Bucky grinned.  “You guys get fancy foods cause it’s a date.”

“Pal, you used to have better ideas for dates, even the doubles,” Steve muttered under his breath.

“HEY!” Natasha called out, hearing every word.

“Sorry,” Steve said quickly.  “This is a lot of fun guys.  You’re great at planning dates.”

A knock on the door echoed and Tony clapped his hands together.  “It’s either the ice sculpture guy or the Mariachi band!”

“Wait--what?” Darcy wondered.  

“COME IN!” Tony called out gaily.  

Sure enough, both the ice sculpture guy and the mariachi band came in, and Darcy began to struggle to hold back her laughter.  Because this was absolutely the best date she had ever been on.  The ice sculpture guy wasn’t there to deliver an ice sculpture.  He was there to make one.  He pushed in a big rectangle of ice and set up shop quickly, taking out a chainsaw and having it roar into life.

“MAKE IT A GIANT HEART!!’ Tony yelled.

“NO A FROG!” Natasha yelled.  “A FROG A FROG A FROG!”

“OKAY, A FROG!” Tony screamed and the ice sculpture guy nodded and got to his noisy work.

The mariachi band began to play the loudest song it could, but could still barely be heard over the sound of the chainsaw.  Natasha started to inch off the couch, seeing a box full of shiny picks and hammers and chisels.  Bucky gripped her hand quickly and pulled her close to him, shaking his head at her indulgently.

“HELLO!  IT IS I, THOR!” Thor bellowed, and was somehow heard over the sound of the chainsaw and the mariachi band.  “I HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU TONIGHT THE FINEST OF ASGARDIAN DELICACIES!  MIGHT I ENTICE YOU TO TRY THE ROE OF THE NORTHERN BANH SLUDGE FISH?  IT IS CONSIDERED TO BE AN APHRODISIAC AND IS SAID TO BE A BLESSING FOR THE COUPLE TO HAVE MANY BABES IN THE FUTURE!”

“Uhhhhhhhhh---” Steve blinked at his teammate, who could only happily smile down at him.

Darcy laughed at the entire madness of it all.  She had always been pretty adventurous when it came to food.  You had to be, when your boss took you all over the world, and Asgard, and Vanaheim, and well---the galaxy.  She grabbed the fancy soup spoon that Thor had placed a little mouthful of little caviar typed food and popped it into her mouth.  It was delicious .

Steve blinked at her but followed her lead, grabbing his own spoon and downing it.  

“WOW,” Steve grinned at her.  “THIS IS REALLY GOOD!”

Natasha had since whipped her shirt off and was stuffing the little bits of pizza that Bucky had torn off for her into her mouth.  Mostly.  She was still covered in sauce. Tony’s cheeks were ballooned out like a chipmunk as he tried to push even more pizza into his mouth.  Bucky was pulling double duty, tearing off bits of cheese pizza for Natasha, and simultaneously carefully eating a slice of pizza with every single topping under the sun on it.  Helen was happily eating her breadsticks.  Every once in awhile taking a delicate spoonful of tomato sauce, or a single pepperoni, careful to keep each mouthful separate.  

“This is my absolute favorite place to eat,” Darcy grinned at Steve, and he barely made out her words, but by the blinding grin on his face, it seemed like he got what she was trying to say.  

“BOYFRIEND!” Helen called out joyously.

Surreptitiously, the chainsaw paused, the song ended and Thor stopped banging pots and pans around obnoxiously just in time for Sam to step into the room.

“YOU GOTTA GIVE ME A DATE BETTER’N THIS!” Helen shouted still.  “GOOD LUCK CAUSE THIS ONE’S AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!!!!”

“Uh huh,” Sam nodded warily.  He looked at the crazy that was currently in Steve’s quarters and nodded again.  It made some kind of silly sense, maybe.  “There’s a horse drawn carriage on the front lawn, right next to the big slab of meat currently on fire, and Hill is about to lose her shit.”

“YES, my carriage guy came through!” Tony fist pumped.  He pointed at Steve obnoxiously.  “You gotta name one of your many babies after me, dude.  I totally came through for you this time!”

Chapter Text

Chapter Eleven:  Cuddle Alternatives

“Hey handsome.”

“Hey yourself, gorgeous.”

“Bleccccccchhh,” Tony mimed vomiting on the little circuit board he had scavenged from a lab. He then stopped what he was doing and looked around warily.  If Natasha were nearby, he would have surely gotten a hard object to the head.  As he had received multiple times in the past few days since the best date that had ever been dated.

Because really, Darcy and Steve were just so gross with their cuteness at this point.  Everything was shiny and new and out in the open.  Tony kind of had an inkling that Steve hadn’t had a lot of affection in his life before, and now he was like a starving man at a banquet.  And Darcy was the caterer at the affection banquet.  Years ago, a grownup Natasha had cut a debrief short after a particularly harrowing mission and claimed she needed to recharge her batteries.  She’d wound up back at Avenger’s Tower, holed up in Darcy’s apartment for a full twelve hours before she came back out, refreshed and rejuvenated and ready to kick ass.  

So it made sense that Steve would just blossom at having the original fountain of affection at his fingertips.  The first day had been a little awkward, but Steve quickly followed Darcy’s lead.  They held hands, they exchanged sweet little kisses whenever the urge struck (it was far too often according to little Tony), and Steve was getting accustomed to what Darcy had called cuddle tackles .  Essentially, she would just attach herself to him like a barnacle and squeeze whenever she felt like it.

Natasha was in seventh heaven.  Even Bucky and Helen would beam at their de facto parents every time they displayed their affection for each other so enthusiastically.  But Tony was sick of it.  He had been cuddled by Darcy once when he was a grownup.  It had been right after she had come back from Asgard a few months ago.  She’d taken one look at him as he struggled to be around Steve and Barnes.  She’d scolded him about working together for the good of humanity and then she’d pulled him into a private room and just wrapped her arms around his midsection and didn’t let go until he had broken down.  

Tony remembered that feeling of comfort, even as small kid.  It had felt unbelievable to just be able to let it all go for just a few, stolen moments.  To feel all the hurt that he had been building up about Pepper, and the Accords, and Rhodey, and Rogers and Barnes.  To have someone pat at his back soothingly and tell him it was alright to feel so cut up.  To validate his hurt and acknowledge it.  She offered no solutions.  She said it would suck but it had to be done, they’d have to work together.  But she’d given comfort and he’d never forget it, even at the age of six.

And now his dumb Da---Steve Rogers was soaking up all of the comfort from her.  

He wanted a turn too, dammit.  She was his mom now, and he paid her all of her monies, and he should get first cuddle every day.  Tony was willing to share with the other kids.  Natasha was a baby and needed it.  Helen was nice as could be, if a little bossy, but she helped him clean up his toys every day, so she deserved a cuddle or two, as well.  And even Barnes could have a hug every once in awhile, just so he didn’t go all evil and do any more bad things.

But Steve was hogging all the cuddles now.  

Clearly, something had to be done.

Tony let out two little pathetic coughing sounds.  

“Tony, honey, are you feeling okay?” Darcy wondered, abandoning Steve immediately and rushing towards the little table that the kids would do their art projects (and Tony would build at his little robotic endeavors).  She put a cool hand on his forehead and shook her head.  “You don’t feel hot, buddy.  You okay?”

“Feel tired and icky,” Tony said as pathetically as he could, looking up and aiming big brown eyes at Darcy, filled to the brim with as much patheticness as he could muster.  He coughed two more times, sounding a little more believable that time.

“Hey, bud, why don’t you go and grab a nap?” Steve was suddenly there, and Tony scowled at him.  “If you’re starting to feel sick, a little extra rest will do you good, come on, I’ll read you a chapter of Percy Jackson…”

“But mooooooooooom,” Tony whined, looking aghast at the idea of cuddle time with Steve instead of Darcy.

“You could get Mom sick with your germs,” Steve supplied, reaching down and picking Tony out of his chair easily.  “Good thing I can’t get sick.”

“I’ll warm you up some of that alphabet soup that Thor made for us, Tony,” Darcy promised.  “The other kids should be back soon, Sammy only took them to the canteen for frozen yogurt.”

“Fine,” Tony huffed out, making a disappointed scowling face into Steve’s chest as he walked him back to the bedroom.  He was placed on the ground and made a horrified face at Steve when the older man brought him a set of pajamas.  Buzz Lightyear this time (a second pair had been quickly ordered so that both boys could have a set if needed).  “It’s only three o’clock in the afternoon!”

“If you’re getting sick, being in a nice warm pair of pj’s will make you feel better,” Steve reasoned, quickly pulling off Tony’s War Machine t-shirt.  

“But I want to go out and do stuff later, I have plans!” Tony insisted, as he reluctantly let Steve switch out his pants for his pajama pants.

“What?  Going out to hit the local bars?” Steve laughed.  

“BITE ME STEVE!” Tony shouted.

“Hey!” Steve instantly went into full Dad mode.  He lifted Tony up and put him on top of the bed so he didn’t have to bend down completely to look Tony in the eye.  “We talked about the attitude, Mister.”

“ We talked about the attitude, Mister, ” Tony mocked.

Steve thought for a moment that he absolutely could not wait until Tony was older, because they were going to go a few sparring rounds with Stark in the suit and Steve was going to knock him around a little in revenge for all the shit the tiny version of him had been giving him.  But Steve’s own mother had never raised a hand to him in all of his years growing up, and Steve would never lay a finger on Tony as a six year old.  So Steve saved up the frustration to be let out at a later date and instead, did what seemed to have worked about eighty percent of the time.

“Tony, what’s bothering you?” Steve wondered.  Darcy and Steve had quickly figured out the different quirks of their adopted kids, and Tony was definitely the one that acted out when something was bothering him.  Steve placed a hand on Tony’s forehead and frowned.  There was no fever.  “Are you feeling sick, is that why you’re being a brat?”

“DON’T CALL ME A BRAT IT’S NOT POLITE!” Tony yelled.

“It may not be polite, but it is true,” Steve said patiently.  

“I want my MOM!” Tony stomped his feet.  “Not you! I want cuddles from my mom and you keep stealing all the cuddles away cause you’re a crap faced crap doodle!”

“Okay, one, you just lost an hour of toy time for tomorrow, for being rude and insulting,” Steve said sternly.  “And two, you just lost today’s good behavior star.”

“NO!  HELL’S WILL KILL ME!” Tony whined.

“You should have thought about the consequences when you called me names when all I want to do is help you,” Steve said sternly.  “Now, you had solo cuddles with your mom when the other kids went out with Sam and Thor and then you went to play with your gadgets.”

“Yeah, and then YOU came in and cuddled and kissed her and I don’t like it!” Tony crossed his arms in front of him.  “You don’t have to do it all the time, you know.  You can leave some cuddles for the rest of us!”

“Tony, there’s plenty of Darcy to go around,” Steve insisted.

“NO THERE’S NOT AND YOU’RE GONNA STEAL HER ALL!” Tony yelled irately.  

“I promise that I won’t,” Steve smiled at him.  He errantly wondered if Tony were grown how he would have been acting out after seeing the little public displays of affection that he and Darcy had been engaging in the last few days.  Probably a prank.  Perhaps a natural disaster.  It was really probably a good thing that all Steve had to deal with now was some name calling and a temper tantrum.

“And then you’re gonna have NEW babies that are all yours, with your perfect jaw and Darcy’s pretty eyes and you’re gonna forget all about us,” Tony pouted further, although these words seemed more raw and genuine.

“Slow down, buddy, Darcy and I are dating right now,” Steve shook his head quickly.  “We’re going to have a lot of fun getting to know each other, and going on more dates---”

“That us kids get to plan?” Tony wondered hopefully.

“Well---maybe not all the planning, maybe you guys can give us suggestions,” Steve said quickly.  Maria Hill was still fuming at the bonfire and horse poop from the date night the kids had planned.  Her patience was hanging by a thread and Steve feared that soon she’d be sending them on a farm, ala the Barton family just to have some peace at the home base.  

“Okay, first suggestion, DIAMONDS, Darcy doesn’t like em, but she does like sapphires and she’s gonna love the thing that I got her for you to give to her the first time you mess up,” Tony said quickly.

“Tony, you shouldn’t be buying jewelry,” Steve tried to scold, but couldn’t find it in him.  

“It’s for my mom, and it’s gonna look so pretty cause it matches her eyes,” Tony nodded in agreement with himself.  “It was delivered this morning and is in your top right desk drawer, you know, cause it’s important to keep stuff like that lying around in case of an emergency.”

Steve smiled down at Tony, remembering a few times where Tony was scrambling to find his apology gift he had squirreled away and hidden for those times when big brown eyes wouldn’t get Pepper’s temper down to something resembling a normal human.  Steve hoped he would never need such gifts for Darcy, but even he had to admit, it was probably an inevitability he would screw something up a little bit.  

“TONY’S SICK?!?!?”

“Uhoh,” Tony muttered.

Helen burst into the room like a fireball and ran towards the bed.  Natasha and Bucky were close behind, Bucky holding onto a little brown leather satchel.  Helen scrambled up on the bed quickly before putting two hands on Tony’s shoulders and pushing him back on the bed where he landed with a bounce on his bottom.  

“BAG!” Helen yelled out as bossily as she wanted.  

“Helen,” Steve said patiently.  “Where are your manners?”

“Daddy, C’MON!” Helen turned a little exasperated glare Steve’s way as Natasha jumped on the bed easily and was followed by Bucky, who dumped the bag of medical supplies that Helen had insisted she needed to have nearby at all times after what had happened with the invasion of the facility a few days ago.  She grabbed for a thermometer and gestured for Natasha and Bucky to turn Tony onto his belly.  

“NO!” Tony screeched, knowing instinctively that the thermometer Helen was wielding was not the kind that went into his mouth.

“I know it’s important to have manners and be polite, but sometimes there’s no time and the injuries are too yucky and they need immediant medical tension!” Helen sanitized the thermometer expertly with tiny hands as Natasha sat on Tony’s back happily, but at least Bucky was absolutely unwilling to aid and abet the medical endeavor underway.  “Sometime you don’t got time to say please and thanks and stuff cause it’s time to kick a sick person’s butt back to being good again!”

“I’m not sick!” Tony screeched as Helen went for the waistband of his pants.  “I’m NOT! DAD! DAD! HELP I’m NOT SICK!”

“Okay, Tony, alright, buddy,” Steve nodded, taking the thermometer out of Helen’s hands.  Bucky grabbed Natasha and pulled her off of Tony, who turned around immediately and clamored his way up into Steve’s arms.  He buried his head in Steve’s chest and was shaking his head back and forth violently.  “You’re okay, Tony.”

“M’sorry I lied, Dad, and m’sorry I was a brat but don’t let Helen violate me, I amember when she did it before when we was big and cause I picked on her bird brained boyfriend, but I’m not sick, I was just pretending,” Tony wailed.  

Helen pouted.  She had really wanted to make Tony well again.  Natasha patted her shoulder consolingly.  

"Briggs sneezing, less go make him good," the small redhead offered helpfully.  "Take a pemperchure."

“My Powerpuff doll isn’t feeling so good, Hells,” Bucky announced quickly.  He knew Natasha could probably get Agent Briggs sprawled out on his stomach, but he didn't want to see and certainly didn't want the girls to see the man's backside.  “She might need to go see the doctor.”

“Okay!” Helen cheered instantly, and she went to work on putting all of her medical equipment back in her bag.  The contents were a real stethoscope, at least a dozen anal thermometers, a bottle full of sour gummy vitamins, five boxes of bandaids, and one scalpel, that Steve managed to pick up and pocket before throwing a scolding look Natasha’s way.

The baby shrugged at him.  She knew she had been pushing it with that kind of weaponry.  She was sure to find something a little more acceptable to replace it.  Maybe the tongs she had lifted from the frozen yogurt shop on base could be whittled appropriately into something dangerous.  She would have to be extra cute to James so he would do it for her.

Steve waited until the children had filed out of the room, before adjusting his hold on Tony, bringing him up so he could look him in the face.  The little boys eyes were red with tears, but some kind of defiance had bled out of his expression.  He looked like he could definitely use a nap.  Steve felt a great deal of pride swelling in his heart.  It was the first time Tony had called him Dad .

“I’m not so bad at cuddles, am I?” Steve asked.

“No, your manboobs are poofy enough for it to be comfortable,” Tony admitted.

“So, really, with me and Darcy, you’re getting twice the cuddles,” Steve grinned.  

“Yeah, but when we get growed up again, it’s gonna be awkward,” Tony pouted.

“Nope,” Steve shook his head.  “Anytime you need a grownup cuddle, and Darcy is busy, you come on over and I’ll hug you proper.  I hug Bucky and Sam all the time when we’re grownups, it’s not awkward.”

“That’s different cause you guys are like, three soldiers in a pod,” Tony drowsily mixed up his metaphors.  Steve maneuvered them quickly and soon enough, Steve was sprawled out on the bed, with Tony cuddled to him.  “What’re you doing?”

“We’re going to have a nap, buddy,” Steve announced.  Tony had just said something unspoken there.  He and Steve had been building a friendship just a few years ago, and had been doing a decent job of it too.  What had made the spring of 2016 so hard was that he felt he had lost Tony as a friend completely and it had hurt.  And maybe Steve did treat Tony differently than Sam and Bucky, but it was never too late to fix things.  Tony should know that just because he wasn’t a soldier, and just because he didn’t grow up with him didn’t mean his friendship was any less.  “Just you and me.”

“Oh.  Okay,” Tony whispered.  “You gonna marry my Mom someday?”

“I might have thought about it a time or two,” Steve admitted truthfully.  “But it’s too early for dreaming such big dreams.  Let’s see if we can settle into being boyfriend and girlfriend for a little while, and then we’ll see what happens.”

“I think you guys would be nice married,” Tony yawned.  “Mom is the nicest and she won’t let you be pigheaded and stubborn.”

“That’s probably true,” Steve agreed, stroking Tony’s hair soothingly as the little boy slipped further and further into relaxation.  

"And your babies would be pretty and brave and funny and I'd give them all the toys," Tony babbled.

"That's really nice of you, Tony," Steve grinned at the image that played in his head.  A tiny tot with curly brown hair and bright blue eyes accepting truckloads of toys from her Uncle Tony.  He tucked it away for a later date.  He was committed to going slow and right with Darcy.  But the image of it made his heart warm and he would hold on to it until they could make it a reality.

“And you make her smile brighter than anything, that’s nice,” Tony nodded in agreement with himself.

“I try, and I’ll keep trying, cause I really like your Mom’s smiles,” Steve admitted.  

“Do you love her lots?”

“I think that might be happening very, very soon,” Steve nodded.

“Good,” Tony mumbled.  “Night Dad. Don’t let the bed bugs bite your aa---butt.”

“Good job on the language, Tony,” Steve placed a gentle kiss on the boy’s brow and smiled as he drifted off for a quick nap.  He felt a sort of bone deep contentment as Tony clung to him in his slumber.  He smiled and sighed happily, “Good night, Son.”   

Chapter Text

Chapter Twelve:  Let the Damned Kids Vaccinate You!

"Hey uhm, Cap.  Uh---Captain...I---or..."

"Call him Steve, Peter," Darcy advised.  She smirked as Peter Parker blushed and hemmed and hawed about how to properly greet the big lug who she had woken up next to that morning.  Steve had been drooling on her face.  Not on her pillow.  On her face.  Her right cheek and temple and the right side of her nose had been covered in Steve Roger’s drool.   Steve “ I Drool Buckets on my Girlfriend”  Rogers was not someone to get caught up about.  Darcy patted the teenager on his shoulder and advised,  "And stop being such a scared little rabbit.  Really.  Are you not the same boy who let me braid his hair because I was bored and then learned all the moves to Beyonce's Single Ladies with me and that little, cute and adorable friend of yours?"

"Darcy, please, don't let Captain America know about that," Peter whispered.  Peter had accidentally gotten caught up in the alien invasion that Darcy had thwarted.  Then he and his ---friend, Mary Jane Watson had spent some time protecting Darcy as the other Avengers did the heavy lifting.  

Peter shook his head at a bemused Steve and said, "It wasn't anything untoward to your- your lady, your friend, your lady friend.  It was just that, me and my uhm, pal, my gal---uhm gal pal, we were kind of in a bad place, uhm, security wise, you know, when you guys were doing that thing with the Asgard alien thing, jeez, what is my life, really?"

"How's MJ?" Darcy wondered cheerfully.  "Did she sort out that whole homecoming dress situation?"

"Yeah," Peter smiled in a lovely dreamy way.  

Steve recognized that look.  He'd seen it in the mirror that very morning.  It was right after he had woken up to see Darcy wiping at her face desperately with the bottom hem of the t-shirt that he had worn to bed.  He looked down and realized it was still the same t-shirt.  He'd forgotten to ask why she had needed it.  He'd been too preoccupied with kissing her good morning, breath be damned.

And then one by one the kids had trickled in.  Natasha first, waving her hands at them as she climbed to the top of the dresser.  She reached into a secret compartment at the back right corner that Steve had not even known was there, grabbed a king sized bag of M&M's, plopped her diapered butt down and watched Darcy and Steve as if they were her morning cartoons.

Bucky had followed shortly after to retrieve her, and had even tried to take the candy away from her after he'd climbed on to the top of the dresser too.  That had gotten Natasha to start hissing little, lisped words of Russian at him.  And when he'd only smiled down at her with fondness and tried to tell her about cereal and lead her away for Steve and Darcy's privacy, Natasha had tackled the six year old boy, jumping off the top of the dresser and bringing Bucky down with her to the floor.

Tony had run into the room then, cackling at Bucky's predicament.  The six year old, former world class assasin was face down on the floor, with Natasha sitting on his back, trying to eat five servings of M&M candies all at once.  But then Bucky had looked up with an annoyed look just for Tony and Bucky's nose had a trickle of blood coming out of it.

Natasha looked nonplussed, but Tony had panicked.

"HELLS BELLS WE HAVE A CODE OUCHIE BOOBOO!  THREAT LEVEL RED!"

Steve had gently unwrapped his legs from around Darcy's and rushed to go and assist Bucky, who didn't appear to be in pain at all, only mildly amused that Natasha had gotten the better of him yet again.  He didn't remember it clearly, but he remembered being the one that taught her everything she knew.  Probably.

Bucky had waved off any assistance from Steve, but when Helen had burst into the room, with her little medical bag (now covered in glitter and stickers thanks to Scott and his friends), there was no turning down the four year old who thought she was a doctor.

"Lemme corn pack your nose and check for a cone cushion!" Helen had insisted.

It was all for naught, since Bucky's serum enhanced healing had already fixed the ouchie booboo.  But then real breakfast had to be gotten, and Steve hadn't had the opportunity to change out of what he had been wearing that morning.

But yes, Peter had the look.  The look of like.  The look of a lot of like.  The look of what might possibly be turning into love at a lovely, natural progression.  Probably a little slower on Peter's part than on Steve's.  But Steve could recognize it.  He saw it in the mirror every day now.  He currently had that look on his face right now as he stared down at Darcy as she asked rapid fire questions of Peter, making the boy turn redder and more flustered with each question.  

He should probably pay attention to the words going between Peter and Darcy.  But he couldn't help if he was focused extra hard on the way she grinned at Peter playfully, then suddenly had a thoughtful expression going over her face as she stared at Peter warily.

"Well, I don't know about that, what do you think Steve?" Darcy turned to Steve, looking at once hopeful and wary at the same time.

"What?  I'm sorry?" Steve gave his best guilty smile to Darcy.

"Pay attention, dude," Darcy scolded playfully.

"I am, believe me, I am," Steve nodded.

"Same, man.  Same," Peter whispered.  He had a problem staying totally focused on words when he got distracted with looking at the way MJ's eyebrows did that thing they do.  He gave Steve a nervous smile.  It was a lot easier to talk to Darcy.  Steve was still, you know, Captain America.  "So uhm, me and my friend, my girl---my lady pal, we had scheduled a few work study days up here thanks to Darcy a few weeks ago, and now, you have this thing with the---uhm---tiny Tony and baby muppet Avengers."

Darcy shrugged, the name made a lot of sense.  Natasha was like an adorable muppet murder princess.  

"And MJ and I, we tried to sit in and you know, maybe offer some fresh solutions for the reversal process, but it's all kind of over our heads, so we're bored," Peter shrugged.  "We were supposed to be working with Tony, but now he's like, tiny.  And not that this place isn't great, I mean, super swimming pool, and the bowling alley is wicked cool, but, we want to be useful or else the whole work study thing goes out the window.  And then we totally don’t get our extra credit, which you know, I kind of need."

"So, what do you want me to do for you?" Steve furrowed his brow.  "I don't have any science experiments you can work on, Peter."

"Right, I know, and I don't want to do a gym work study with you, because you know, OW," Peter chuckled self consciously.

"Did you hurt poor little Peter?" Darcy glared at Steve suddenly.

"I didn't know how old he was, he was in a---pajama set with a mask," Steve defended himself quickly.

"I knew he was a kid," Bucky announced from behind Steve.  "I mean, he has a kid's voice.  I remember that.  I didn’t hit the kid, ma."

“That’s because you’re my sweet angel boy, Bucky,” Darcy answered turning and smiling proudly at him.  "And I love you so much."

Steve turned to face Bucky with a playful scowl, but Peter fairly skipped to the tiny version of Bucky Barnes and knelt down in front of him, his face bright and eyes wide with astonishment at the six year old little boy who looked like an exact miniature of the guy he had fought in an airport back in the springtime.

"DUDE, you have a tiny little metal arm!  It's still so cool!" Peter poked at the wrist of it in amazement.  

"Thanks?" Bucky shrugged.  He knew that the teenager was probably harmless.  He had remembered him being a good sport during the fighting from before.  But he still didn't like people poking at him.  He looked to Darcy for help and she stepped in such a way that she was between an awestruck Peter and a suddenly shy Bucky.  He smiled up at her in his gentle, adorable way and whispered,  "Helen is trying to give people flu shots, ma, and I’m not tattling, I promise, but people don’t want ‘em and she’s getting sad and Nats is tackling them and I want to tackle ‘em too cause it’s not right for Helen to be sad at all.  We're tryin' to be helpful, so we should still probably get our gold stars for the day."

"How did Helen get flu shots to give to people?" Darcy asked shrewdly.

"Tony bought 'em for her," Bucky admitted, only looking a little guilty at having given up the secret so quickly.  He was incapable of fibbing to his ma.  "He said people have to stay healthy so they don't get our weaker, smaller mune systems sick.  And it's a nice thing for a n'ployer to do."

"True enough," Darcy admitted.  She really needed to figure out how to block Tony's ability to buy whatever he wanted through Friday.  A six year old did not need to buy a state of the art golf cart to 'ride around in with his tiny crew and troll for hotties '.

"Okay, game plan?" Steve nodded and took Darcy’s hand, pulling her a little to the side for some kind of privacy.  He looked thoughtful and shrugged,  "Helen's gonna be devastated if she can't do her doctoring."

"I know," Darcy sighed.  "Do we have any nurses that would be willing to assist?"

"Not unless you have the authority to give out more raises," Steve shook his head with a rueful smile.  "Helen's very bossy, and the nurses hate being bossed by a four year old.  And last time, Nurse Ed rolled his eyes at her, so Nats took his kneecaps out."

"Shit," Darcy wrinkled her nose.

"Shit, shit, shit," Natasha repeated, appearing out of nowhere next to Bucky.  She put her hand in his left one and grinned up at him. "Help Nats hold Barton down for med'sin."

"Okay," Bucky nodded.  That sounded fun enough.

"Uhm, my friend MJ and I are first aid certified," Peter admitted eagerly to Darcy and Steve.  This was a perfect opportunity for him and he wasn’t going to waste it.  "We could kind of---supervise.  We wanted to help out with the kids for you, you know, cause you deserve a break, and it could count to the original parameters of the work study, cause technically we'd still be working with Tony Stark."

"Peter, you have met Tony as an adult, right?" Darcy narrowed her eyes at him.

"Yeah," Peter shrugged, his eyes going to the ground.

Steve looked at him suspiciously, knowing that Peter was more than likely hiding something.  But he knew the boy was not a threat in any way whatsoever.  And besides, if Peter and his gal pal were watching the kids (with Friday, and about two dozen guards, and maybe even Lang to boot), in one of the scientific conference rooms until Helen could inoculate everyone on the facility grounds, that meant that technically he and Darcy might have some private time.  Granted, it wouldn't be very fair.  Maybe they'd get a picnic lunch and have it in one of the free rooms near Helen’s makeshift vaccination clinic.  And Sam was set to arrive back at the facility in less than ten minutes, so he could also be on Helen duty.

"Alright kid," Steve nodded.  "Darcy and I will  get Helen's free clinic set up, and you go out and grab one of those five pound bags of assorted candy from the supply room on the third sublevel, I'll write out the code for you."

"Are we going to give candy to people who get shots?" Peter wondered.  "That's really nice!"

"No," Steve shook his head in disbelief.  "The five pounds is for Natasha.  You might as well get two of those bags, so you can give out candy to the patients too.  Helen's bedside manner has deteriorated with her age."

"Good luck!" Darcy grinned and waved.  "Remember...you asked for this!"

"She's like a deranged Doc McStuffins," MJ stared down at Helen as the tiny girl washed her hands thoroughly.  The four year old couldn't quite reach the sink, so Tony was lifting her.

"That's my lady you're bad mouthing, girl," Sam looked down at the pretty little friend of the kid who wears red and blue pajamas.  

"BUCKY AND NATS, HOLD DOWN MY BOYFRIEND HE NEEDS A KNOCK YOU ELATION!"

"And your point is?" MJ gave Sam a sassy incredulous look just as Bucky went into action.

"Yeah, she's like a deranged Doc McStuffins," Sam tried to dodge Bucky's reach, but couldn't do it anymore than he could have a few years ago when the Winter Soldier had been the one to reach out and grab him by a wing.  "C'mon, man, just cause you're tiny doesn't mean I won't kick every square inch of your ass!"

"You can't hit him, he's tiny and adorable!" Peter said, mildly panicked.  He would never hit a kid.  Not even Tony.  Who he definitely would have wanted to hit if he would ever hit a kid.

"He's not the one you should be worried about," MJ sing songed, then gave a little mirthful chuckle as she clasped her hands together to watch the fun unfold.  Best school project ever.

And just like that, Natasha popped up out of nowhere, her mouth stained with chocolate, and her energy levels through the roof.  She jumped up about a foot off the ground, and Sam got a fist to his gut, expertly placed and forceful as anything.

"Jesus Christ Romanoff!  Do you have brass knuckles or something?!" Sam coughed out before Bucky sat squarely on his chest.  “Who the hell bought you tiny brass knuckles?!?”

“Duh!” Tony snorted.  It had been one of his best purchases lately.

"Turn him over, I want to put the shot in his cookiebutt," Helen grinned as she came over to where Sam was struggling against Bucky and Natasha.  She had a flu shot in one gloved hand and an antiseptic wipe in the other.  MJ happily pushed the tiny little toy cart containing anything Helen deemed she might need in case of an emergency.  

The cart held a teddy bear for cuddling, as needed.  Tissues in a Captain America box in case someone got scared.  A pile of stickers for anyone who was particularly brave (Sam was not going to be getting a sticker).  And a bowl full of candy (that Natasha had eaten liberally from instead of her own bag that Peter had given her, that had been squirreled away for emergencies).  And approximately five hundred brightly colored Avengers bandaids (Tony had had them specially made).

"No---no, uhm, don't do that," Peter stammered.  He liked Sam Wilson a lot, he was a cool dude even after Peter had kind of kicked his butt.  He didn’t want to see Sam Wilson’s cookiebutt.  "You can't it'll---we---"

"We don't have the insurance clearance for cookie butt shots," MJ put in quickly, sounding very much like she knew what she was talking about.  She gave Peter a smile and a wink when he looked at her thankfully, and also like she had hung the moon a little bit.  "We'll get shut down if you do that."

"Oh," Helen sighed.  "Okay, fine .  I'll put it in his popeye arm instead."

"Gentle, gentle, gentle, HELEN!" Sam whined. When she rubbed a spot on his arm clean and then jammed the needle into the fleshiest part of his arm.  She pulled out and gave him a sweet little smile before going to her cart.   "OUCH."

"Poor baby," Helen shook her head in disappointment, her words mocking as she popped a colorful, Avenger's themed bandaid on his bicep.

"Thor?  Really?" Sam looked down at his bicep, wondering if his de-aged girlfriend remembered how much she used to tease him about her deep and abiding love for Thor.

"I don't remember you being such a crybaby," Bucky looked down at Sam with the hint of a teasing smirk curling at his mouth.  

Tony had been in the corner of the room, checking a little PDA he had created using one of Natasha's learning toys and some circuitry he had asked Natasha to go and retrieve for him from the locked vault that Darcy and Steve had put all the potentially dangerous things that the kids could have gotten their hands on within their green zone areas of the facility.  The place had been filled with weapons, and half built arc reactors and more weapons.  Tony paid Natasha in candy, and she went in sometime during the night and brought back all sorts of fun stuff for them to play with.

"I just had my fancy smart computer check the insurance and we can totally put shots in butts, we're a real hospital here," Tony looked at MJ suspiciously.  "Helen, can you put another shot in Cookiebutt's cookie butt?"

"No," Helen sighed sadly.  "Next year, for sure though."

"Hey, Nats!  The part for your custom batons is coming soon!" Tony announced after reading a quick email on his special PDA.  Friday essentially took all incoming emails for Tony and put them in a readable format for the six year old.  That included storybook illustrations.

"Yay!" Natasha clapped her hands before pointing a finger at the next person to come into the mandatory flu shot room.  It was Maria Hill.  Natasha gave her a slight tilt of her chubby face.  "Sit."

"Fine," Maria ground out.  She had no problem working with adult Natasha.  They were actually great friends.  But something about putting Natasha's personality in a two year old body with zero impulse control made Maria want to constantly lock her in a closet.  Grownup Natasha had a little bit of the ability to play nice with others, she at least let Maria believe she stood a chance against her.  Baby Natasha had no such limitations and had no problem letting Maria know that even as a toddler, she was superior in nearly all ways.

"Another customer!" Helen clapped her hands, sitting up and going back to her preparation area.  The customers didn’t really have a choice.  The staff members that already knew about the kids and had the security clearance were told via mysterious memo that they had to come in and get their flu shots.

"Hi, uhm, Ms. Hill, thanks for letting us come up here," Peter smiled at her.  "I really needed the extra credit."

"You have excellent transcripts, what did you need extra credit for?" Maria wondered, not even flinching when Helen jabbed her with the vaccine.

"I had to make a deal with a teacher last year, is all," Peter shrugged.

MJ snorted.

The afternoon wore on, with all of the SHIELD and Stark Industries employees that were cleared to see the children, about forty individuals in all, came marching in one by one and submitting to the flu shot.  They'd seen what would happen if they didn't.  Not many of them were keen to have the Russian murder twins tackling them to the ground.  And they were all pretty sure that child Tony could still technically fire them.  

And most of the flu shot ‘volunteers’  prayed that Darcy and Steve never had actual children to raise of their own.  A four year old doctor stabbing them with flu shots was one thing, but to have a genetically gifted child from Steve " Fight Me " Rogers and Darcy " Look at what I can do! " Lewis would probably be a disaster waiting to happen.

Towards the end of the day, Tony had had an interior designer approved for work in the facility, one that could make the little room they had been working in all day an appropriate work space for all of them.  He could have a little lab bench.  Helen could have a small clinic set up.  Natasha and Barnes could have a weapons closet and some kind of torture chamber for people they needed to interrogate.

"I think it'll be okay for us not to grow up," Tony admitted easily as they cleaned up for the day.  "If Mom and Dad would let me make a mini-Iron Man suit, it'd be fine."

"I want to grow up!" Helen said in horror.  "Cause giving shots is fun, but I get to do more stuff when I'm grown up.  And my boyfriend!  My pretty cookie butt boyfriend!"

"Hmmm?" Sam questioned from the corner where he had been doing research of his own, looking into other available scientists that might be able to help.

"You need a juicey, your bloody sugar's low!" Helen ordered Sam immediately, rushing to the little catering cart the cafeteria had sent up for the children and their chaperones.  She handed him a tiny juice box with a smile before going back to packing her tools.

"I want to stay little," Tony said decisively.  He looked to Bucky and shrugged.  "It's nice, right?"

"Yeah," Bucky nodded in easy agreement.  There was nothing about being an adult that was better than being little.  He had Steve and Natasha by his side either way, and that was the deal breaker.  He kind of hoped that his ma would still love him if he was a grownup, but he had his doubts.  He had been a bad grownup.   "I love having a ma and pop, now."

"BUT!  BUT!  COOKIEBUTT!" Helen said with instant distress as she stopped packing away her tools.  "I WANNA MARRY MY PRETTY COOKIEBUTT BOYFRIEND!"

"Hey, hey, no crying, it's alright, honey, it's okay," Sam promised, going for the four year old and picking her up.   He tried not to focus on the fact that she wanted to marry him.  Hopefully that was something that would translate once he got her aged up appropriately.  "You're gonna grow up in no time, I promise.  We're going to find someone to help us."

Natasha watched with a serious, thoughtful face as Sam walked out into the hall with a crying Helen in his arms.  She didn't care one way or another if she was a baby or a grownup.  She liked the way life was now, because Mommy and Daddy kissed and hugged all the time.  She supposed when she was a grownup she might not be able to watch so much, which made her angry.  She opened one of the little cabinets and out poured a little anatomy model.  

"GROSS!" Tony shivered as the built to scale model of a lady's lower half fell onto the floor.  It was a lady who had definitely gotten into some kind of trouble too, because there was a baby inside her belly.

"Dat's a baby in dere," Natasha pointed as MJ went to go and pick up the model and push it back in the cabinet.

"It happens," MJ shrugged.  "We'll explain when you're older.  Probably."

"Nats wants a baby," Natasha said decisively.  She looked to Bucky and Tony and said, "Less get a baby for Mommy's belly. Den Nats a big sister not a litttlest no more."

"Uhmmmmm," Peter blinked down at the little girl.

"They should get married first!" Bucky shook his head at Natasha, patience written all over his face.  "Not proper unless they're married."

"New century, doofus," Tony rolled his eyes.

"Married an a baby," Natasha nodded.  She pointed at Tony authoritatively.  "Less make  a married for 'em."

"Okay," Tony shrugged, pulling up his PDA.  If anyone deserved to be happy and married, it was Steve and Darcy, for sure.  And he had the best ideas for a fun wedding.  "Friday, why do I amember being able to marry people?"

"You were ordained to perform marriages by every internet church available, fifteen hundred in total," Friday reminded him helpfully.

"COOL!" Tony grinned. He began typing rapidly at his screen, mostly just nonsense types.  "Just gotta get some rings and stuff then."

"You're really---you're honestly gonna get them married?" Peter looked down at Tony suspiciously.

"C'mon, did you see the way they looked at each other?" MJ laughed at Peter.  She shrugged and said,  "They're already a little bit married, Petie.  Besides, it's romantic."

"Yeah, uhm, romantic," Peter shrugged.  He was running out of time and he would prefer MJ not seeing what he was about to do. It was awful.  But he had to do it.  "Could you go and check on Helen?"

"Sure," MJ shrugged, looking a little put out.  The tiny deranged Doc McStuffins had her cookiebutted boyfriend out there with her, she could have stayed in here, but obviously talk of romance and marriage was putting Peter off.  

Once she had left the room, Peter turned to face Tony.  

"Hey," he said, and he sounded confused as to whether he wanted to be friendly or angry at the little man.

"Yo," Tony nodded, continuing to place order after order through his simplified order forms.  Friday put up a picture based on her own algorithms for decisions and Tony either pressed the red no button or the green yes button.  

"I wanted to talk to you, and when I came up here, I was gonna be...you know, angry," Peter nodded. "But then you were tiny and adorable, and you want to like, stay tiny and adorable, so, it's got to be this way."

Peter reached out and pulled Tony to his feet.  He then turned him around.

"HEY!  HEY!  What are you doing?" Tony called out anxiously.   "NATS!  ATTACK HIM!"

Bucky and Natasha immediately went into tiny tot murder mode and Peter popped a web slinger out and zapped the two tiny children with a very small amount of webbing, only attaching each of their hands to the wall, wincing and looking apologetic when he did it.  He then leaned over and glared at Tony.

" Go to Europe , you said.   You'll be fine , you said.  I need help, Peter, cause Captain America is crazy and out of his mind , you said," Peter was suddenly fuming with easy bitterness.  "I got eighty-thousand pounds tossed on me, dude!"

"Sorry?" Tony shrugged.  

"AND, I missed two assignments, it's why I needed to do extra credit," Peter huffed.  "AND that cool watch you gave me was you lojacking me and spying on me!"

"What are you gonna do to him?" Bucky demanded angrily, straining against his restraint.  He couldn’t remember how he busted free before.  "Leave 'im alone!  Leave 'im alone!  SAMMY COME HELP!"

"Dats Nats brover, leave 'im alone!" Natasha was tugging at the webbing holding her down.  She stopped for a moment and went down to her little sneaker, knowing she had a spork hidden there since lunch.  

"You deserve this," Peter nodded, as if trying to give himself courage.

The teenager reached out to the six year old, hands turning him around before going for the waistband of his pants.  He yanked upwards gently and Tony howled with the indignity of the slight wedgie.  Peter then let go, put his finger in his mouth then brought it to Tony's ear.

"That's for making me do extra credit!" Peter called out.  "And that's for lying about Captain America!"

"HEY!" Natasha yelled, all the warning she gave before she launched herself at Peter's back.  Bucky was quick to follow, knocking out Peter's knees.

Sam finally ran back into the room, holding Helen.

"What the hell is going on here?"

"HE VIOLATED ME!" Tony cried out.  “HE PUT HIS HANDS ON MY UNDERPANTS AND THEN PUT A WET FINGER IN MY EAR!!!”

“Parker!” Sam scolded as he came back in with Helen in his arms and MJ on his heels.

“If he had been big I would have webbed him to a tree, this is revenge---OW!” Peter winced as Natasha jumped and brought an elbow down on his spleen.

“OH!” Helen called out excitedly as Natasha punched Peter in the face full force.  He whimpered with pain and Helen looked delighted.  “Ouchie Booboo, threat level red!  Let me corn pack his nose!”

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirteen:  Babysitters Wanted, Must Be Durable and Up for Anything

"Where do babies come from?"

Darcy sat up completely from her lounging position on the couch, dislodging Steve, who had had his head in her lap as she lazily combed through his hair with her fingers for the better part of ten minutes.  The pair of adoptive parents to four former adults didn't get a lot of downtime when the kids were awake.  In fact they had approximately twenty minutes of downtime after dinner and before nightly rituals began in earnest, and Darcy had taken it upon herself to plop down on the couch as the children watched a movie, pulling Steve with her to lay out the way he had been doing.  

She just really liked how melted he became when she did that for him.  Steve had always seemed so rigid to her before they had actually met.  He was a tightly coiled kind of guy when it came to his duties to the world at large.  It gave her a great sense of achievement to give him what little comforts she could.  And while making out in front of the kids was out of the question, and the other way she'd found that she could relax him completely (five days after their hilarious first date planned by the kids) was absolutely not happening with any kind of audience, she still loved making him melt into a puddle of contentedness and happiness and warmth.  So finger combing through his hair would have to do it.

He'd had a rough day.  Tony had acted out about wanting a new three piece suit because if he was going to run his business, he'd need to look nice, even if he was a six year old.  Which had meant getting someone into the facility to do Tony's new suit.  Tony had insisted that Steve and Bucky get suits too, which had been odd, but Steve had agreed to it since Bucky seemed so excited to be getting fancy duds once more.  

And then Steve had had to go a few rounds with Maria Hill, regarding the planning of a Disney trip for the little family he'd inherited.  It was to be a big surprise to the kids, but with all of the new security threats coming in, Hill had deemed it absolutely impossible.  Steve didn't take well to anyone saying anything was impossible, and again, the thought of not rewarding his kids for good behavior was unacceptable.  Would it be difficult?  Absolutely, but knowing how happy it would make Helen, Bucky, Natasha and Tony was enough for Steve to forge ahead.

And of course, there was still the Accords to deal with.  Just because they'd come together and saved the world, again, didn't mean that Secretary of State Ross was going anywhere.  He was demanding to talk to Tony, which was impossible, so Steve was doing his best to placate the awful man.  

It did Steve well to know that Ross's tenure as Secretary of State would be ending soon.  It might ease up on the pressure a little.

So Darcy did what she could.  Steve was a darling to her most days, attempting to hide how tired or worried he was.  He came back to her everyday (and let her have ten minutes in the bathroom alone) and gave it his all in their attempts to co-parent their former friends.  So she gave him what little comfort she could. (Not quite understanding yet that her just being there and being her was an incredible comfort to him.  Seeing her smile at the end of a long meeting was reward enough).  But he'd never dissuade her from her other attempts at giving him comfort.  

The head massage had been very nice.  

But it was now over, and Darcy pushed Steve out of her lap, nearly right onto the floor had he not done a pretty impressive twist of his body that had him carefully landing on his stomach on the couch.  They shared a wary look before both watched the kids very carefully.  They'd been watching Stardust, one of Natasha's particularly favorite movies, and Tony had asked the question innocently enough as they saw the baby on the screen.  It was a dangerous question, one that Darcy had been conditioned to take seriously.  Tony had asked Helen, who was the expert on all things medical and important.  Darcy put her finger to Steve's lips so they could spy on the children's conversation.  

"A stork brings 'em," Bucky nodded.  And that had probably been what he believed at the original age of six.  Natasha gave him a disbelieving look and he shrugged his shoulders, "But when Becca came I didn't see no stork, I saw a midwife and heard a lot of curse words and then there she was, all pink and squirmy and cute as a button."

"Pepper wants babies," Tony sighed.  "But I can't give 'em to her."

"Why not?" Helen wondered.  "I can do a reverse base act two me, you'd be able to give em to her."

"Cause I'd be a bad dad, I'm not like our dad," Tony shrugged.  His voice was small, which wasn't normal for tiny Tony.  He was usually quite loud.

"Das not true," Natasha wrinkled her nose.  "Tony is good."

"Sure, sure," Tony waved her off.  

"Do you love Pepper like I love my boyfriend?" Helen wondered.  "Like, I love my boyfriend more than new sheets and bubble baths and mommy's special cake she makes me with nothing touching.  And someday I'm gonna marry his cookie butt."

"Gross," Tony shivered at the thought of Sam Wilson’s cookie butt.  "I love Pepper a lot, I remember that.  But sometimes it's like, you shouldn't do that cause it's bad for them.  Like when Nats finally ate too much candy two weeks ago and she spewed everywhere."

"Nah," Bucky shook his head.  

Natasha nodded in agreement.

"Nah what?" Tony blinked at him.  Sometimes Bucky and Natasha forgot that Tony and Helen needed a lot of words where Bucky and Natasha only provided a little bit of words.

"Nah you can't love someone too much," Bucky said simply.  "Sometimes its all you got.  It’s the only thing to keep you warm, and when people try to take it from you and you forget it a little, it comes creeping in a little and it keeps you safe even when you're not."

Natasha put her head on Bucky's metal bicep and nodded solemnly.

Bucky's little mouth puckered and moved to the right slightly as he worked through his thoughts.  They were still jumbled and confused from his time as an adult, they didn't fit properly into his world view as a six-year-old.  But he knew.  He knew he loved Natasha very, very much.  And he loved Steve very, very much too.  Even if they were two different kinds of love, they were still so important and they had kept him alive and warm even when he was the coldest and darkest he'd ever been.  

"It doesn't go away, the love," Bucky hypothesized.  "It might hide, it might get a little smaller, but it'll always be there in your heart, waiting to come out and get big and strong again.  And it ought to get big and strong, you shouldn't hide it cause you're afraid."

"I'm not afraid!" Tony argued automatically.

"Then how come your Pepper lady hasn't been to visit?" Bucky wondered.  "Bet she loves you plenty, cause she keeps sending nice toys and things."

"Cause a reasons," Tony huffed, his voice going just a little desperate and Bucky knew when to back off for the greater good.

They stayed silent for a few moments, Natasha and Bucky communicating silently in that way they did that was only just a little creepy, but mostly just cute.  Helen reached out and took Tony's hand, squeezing it every once in awhile for comfort.  Eventually Tony calmed enough to look to Helen and remember his original question.

"So how do you go about getting babies?" Tony wondered.  He didn't let his eyes slide to Darcy or Steve, but boy did he want to.  "You know, for reasons."

"Okay, well, first there's love and kisses and love," Helen said in her slightly condescending, know-it-all way that Steve honestly found adorable and charming, but Darcy rolled her eyes at fondly.  "And then, sometimes you get married, but sometimes not, that's not medic'ly neccessisarily.  And then the boy parts go and put special love seed into the girl parts and the love waters it like a garden and then a baby grows there, like a cabbage patch but not as cute as a cabbage patch."

"Not so bad," Steve whispered to Darcy who was shaking her head in silent laughter. The kids all seemed to be paying special attention to Helen's explanation, as if they were taking notes.  "I expected something more clinical."

"But sometimes, it's like WOOPS on accident and the baby grows anyway, and then the baby might come from adaption," Helen nodded.  "And sometimes the boy parts don't work or the girl parts don't work and then we take working seedmen from a boy and a working flower egg from a girl and we mash em up and then plant them with---"

"Who wants ice cream?" Darcy announced quickly.  She didn't really want the four year old doctor to explain artificial insemination.  

"YES, ICE CREAM TIME!" Helen called out before whipping her shirt off.  She was so ready for her scoop of plain vanilla with chocolate sprinkles on the side.

"HELEN!" Sam called out from the door he just entered.  He shook his head as the other three children quickly followed suit, pulling their shirts off eagerly, with Barnes assisting Natasha in getting it up and off her head properly.  Sam smirked and looked to Steve and Darcy and said, "Please don't either one of you pull your shirts off too."

"It's ice cream time!" Helen insisted.  "SHIRTS OFF OR YOU DON'T GET ANY, COOKIE BUTT!"

Scott Lang had always thought his own daughter was incredibly awesome.  She was brave, almost fearless in a way.  She laughed at spooky things, had declared Halloween her favorite thing as soon as she could talk.  She enjoyed watching the sad parts of movies, over and over again (If Scott had to see first fifteen minutes of Up! again, he would try to jump off the roof, after crying his eyes out of course).  Cassie Lang was a little badass in the making though, that was for sure.

And that was why, out of all of the kids, he liked Natasha the most.  She was almost just like Cassie, except maybe for being a little more genetically gifted in physical ways.  Which was why when three days into babyhood, Scott had been kind of happy to have the little girl standing on his chest as he tried to sleep, looking down at him with an assessing face.

"Nats need help with safe, Anty come help."

And so started a new life of crime for Scott Lang.  That first night she had just wanted to get into the safety vault in their quarters that Steve and Darcy were using to hide Natasha's candy.  And all the butter knives, which Scott thought was odd.  Natasha knew exactly what to do, and gave specific instructions to Scott.  Her fingers just weren't big or coordinated enough to do the delicate tumbler work that lock picking required.

She came back each time she needed his help breaking into something.  Giving semi-clear instructions that were warped with the small, toddler speak, but still, each of their eighteen heists had come away clean.  Steve and Darcy didn't know how she kept getting her candy and weaponry back.  They'd checked the security feeds, but Natasha had taught Scott how to loop the feed so their tracks were always covered.

Once, after the attack on the facility that had put Darcy in the infirmary, Bucky had tagged along on one of their heists, going down to the bigger, more advanced security vault and taking out a few of his favorite weapons to stash here, there and everywhere so he could better protect the Ma he had come to love so much.

So it was odd to have Natasha show up on the doorstep of his quarters with Tony of all people, during the day time, of all times.  

"We can't break into anything right now, it's broad daylight and everyone is at work and would see," Scott said quickly.

Natasha gave him an unimpressed look that seemed far too advanced for her chubby face.  It definitely said Stop being stupid or I will incapacitate you .

"Uhm, come on in, kids, don't mind the mess," Scott nodded.  He pointed to the couch, where his three friends were playing the latest game they were all obsessed with.  Animal Crossing for the latest Nintendo platform.  "You guys remember my friends, Luis, Dave and Kurt."

"Yoooooooo!  Tiny murder princess!" Luis dropped his remote and rushed to Natasha.  he dropped to his knees in a crouch and held out his arms.  "Give a hug to your Uncle Luis!  He's missed hanging with you girl, you wanna go to the canteen and lift a couple wallets for fun?"

Natasha gave him a look of appraisal, as if she were considering both the hug and the offer to go and pickpocket people.  She preferred the pickpocketing if she were honest, but gave the hug anyway and lifted Luis’ wallet in the process.

"Dude, Captain America will brain me with the shield if you make his daughter into a street urchin with sticky fingers," Scott sighed out.

"Says the man who unlocked a Brown Safe's Chronos thanks to the tiny murder princess," Dave said under his breath.

"I can make a better safe than that," Tony insisted peevishly.  "One that Natasha couldn't even get into."

Natasha gave him an offended look.  

"Okay, one that Lang couldn't get into without your help," Tony amended.

Natasha smiled glibly.

"Nats has offer dat Anty not refuse."

"Uhm?" Scott blinked.

"Take the offer!  TAKE IT!" Kurt whispered desperately.  He gave Natasha a wave and an enthusiastic smile.    He was absolutely enchanted with the small version of the Black Widow.

"Anty will take your offer," Scott nodded.  "What's the offer?"

"Babysit on us," Natasha nodded.  She grabbed Scott's hand and pointed at the Three Wombats, who were all in some kind of confusion.  "Bring 'em, Nats needs a pactice."

"Practice for what?" Dave called out as the rest of his cohorts fell in line.  He looked down at Tony with no small amount of healthy worry.  "Practice for what?"

"Uhm...would you believe me if I said NOT beating you up?" Tony grinned.

"No."

"Cool, you're smarter than the others.  You’re my new personal assistant."

"I just don't think this is a very good idea, Buck."

Bucky looked at Steve with as much patience as he could muster.  He'd been trying to pack Steve and Darcy an overnight bag for the last half hour, but Steve was hemming and hawing and dragging his feet with that inhuman stubbornness that was Steve's secret superpower.  Forget super strength, Steve Rogers could stick to his guns if he believed in it better than any other person in the world.  

"Do you love my ma?" Bucky asked plainly.

"I---well," Steve took a deep breath.  He got a dreamy kind of smile on his face and a far off look in his eyes and nodded softly. "I really, really do.  But don’t tell her that, I want to be the one to tell her when the time is right.  I love her."

"Then don't you want to treat her nice?" Bucky prompted, a happy light in his eyes at Steve’s dreamy euphoria. Bucky didn’t think anyone else deserved to be that happy, except for maybe his Ma.  She deserved all the happiness.

"I do treat her as nice as possible, she's---she's so GOOD, Buck," Steve sighed.  He wished for one moment, very strongly that Bucky was an adult again.  He'd missed talking to his friend about girl problems.  In the past, it had always been about Steve's inability to tempt a woman's glance.  Then it was about too many women glancing his way when he only wanted Peggy to look at him.  And now, he wouldn't mind talking to a grown-up Bucky about how fast is too fast to move with a lady like Darcy.  Two months into parenthood with their set of children and Steve and Darcy felt like a pair of comfortably married, but still totally in love people.  They found their little moments to indulge in each other, usually after the kids were in bed, Darcy would hurry them into their own small bedroom, turn on whatever news program was playing on the television at the time, then bodily push Steve into bed and climb on board, as it were.  

Steve had never enjoyed the evening news so much in his life.

But better than the sex, just slightly, was falling asleep with her afterwards.  He was getting some of the best sleep of his life, and he'd spent nearly seventy years sleeping, so he knew what the good stuff was.  

He wanted to do it for as many nights of his life as he could manage.

"You can't go to Washington DC all alone," Bucky reasoned.  "You get into trouble every time you go alone, so take Ma with you and take her to a fancy dinner or you know, Tony said you could order room service on him, where they give you tiny bottles of ketchup with your french fries."

Steve smiled down at the six-year-old version of his best friend as the boy clearly thought of how adorable it would be to have a tiny bottle of ketchup of his very own.  Bucky loved adorable things.  Steve figured that's why he loved Natasha and Darcy and Helen so very much.  

"Tony should stop spending his money like this," Steve sighed as he looked down at his overnight bag.  He'd managed to pack socks.  And that was it.  He sighed and looked back to his closet.  Bucky pushed him out of the way and took down a pair of slacks and then pointed to a button down shirt.  "Thanks, pal."

"Anytime, don't want you to look stupid when you take my ma out on your arm," Bucky smiled.  

"Who is going to watch the four of you if I take Darcy with me?" Steve wondered.  Because he'd be lying if he didn't say having Darcy with him would be beneficial.  She was the unofficial mouthpiece for the Asgardian contingent and she was one of the smartest and most savvy political minds he had come across since General Phillips, who had been very good at dealing with politicians, although it was usually just exhibiting clever ways to tell politicians to cram it up their ass, and get away with it.  

He'd like to see Darcy do something like that, actually.

"We got sitters," Bucky said eagerly.  "People who know who we are and who you can trust."

"Sam?" Steve wondered warily.  "Because he can't be around Helen for more than forty-five minutes without crying a little---"

"No, not Sam," Bucky shook his head, a little hint of a smile on his face.

"I don't approve of Vision and Wanda watching you overnight," Steve said insistently.  "One, Vision is terrible at managing Tony, he just lets him walk all over him.  And two, they're just gonna wind up making out on the couch while the four of you plot world domination."

"Not Wanda or the purple guy," Bucky's smile was growing into a little smirk.

“Peter’s still not healed up from the last time you and Natasha beat him up,” Steve reminded him.  It had been a few weeks, and Peter’s nose was still healing from when Natasha had broken it.  “I’d trust MJ, but not Peter.”

“He hurt Tony!” Bucky defended their actions for what felt like the millionth time.  Sure Tony hadn’t really been hurt by Peter’s petty revenge.  But still, no one hurt Tony on Bucky’s watch.

"No way did you charm Maria Hill enough for her to watch you, she HATES being around Nats as a baby," Steve chuckled a little.  Natasha had undermined a training session that Maria was overseeing with a few of the high level recruits, and had Maria flat out on her back on the training mats in less time than it took to blink an eye.

Maria would NOT be volunteering to sit overnight with the kids if Natasha was involved.

"Pop, relax, we have it handled," Bucky promised.

"Who?" Steve put his hands on his hip and gave his best domineering Dad look to Bucky.  The little boy tried to resist and look at him with defiance, but that lasted less than ten seconds before he started squirming just a little.  Steve was thankful for Bucky's healthy fear of disappointing a father figure. Natasha, for one, had no such fear.  

And Bucky's fear was unfounded, because there probably wasn't anything in the world that he could do that would make Steve disappointed in him.

"We got Lang and the three Whomp pats," Bucky shrugged.  "That Dave guy knows first aid.  Luis likes talking with Helen about everything.  And Nats respects Lang.  And I like Kurt."

"He's not going to give you guys benadryl?" Steve blinked.  Kurt was very big on medicating children.

"No, cause Dave read stuff about how it's not nice to do to kids, like over the counter ratalin or somethin'?  I don't know, Hells knows and she talked about it for forty-five minutes straight," Bucky admitted.  "But we'd be so safe, Pop, I promise.  You should take Ma out and you know.  Have fun."

Steve smiled down warmly at his friend before bending at the knee and picking him up.  He wrapped Bucky up in a bear hug, and while Tony might have pretended to struggle for a moment before giving in, Bucky gave in right away and Steve could feel the metal arm strong around his neck.  Just a little bit too strong, but Steve wasn't going to complain as Bucky smiled into his shoulder.

"I love you, Buck," Steve said softly.  And he did.  Two months ago he'd have told Bucky the same words, although two months ago he would have meant them in a very different way.  Two months ago, Bucky had been his brother and he'd loved him as such.  To the end of the line and probably a couple hundred years after that.  But now he loved him as this small, smart, fierce little creature that loved him back unconditionally.  

He loved him like a son, now.

"Love you too, Pop," Bucky nodded into his shoulder, his smile never fading.  "Now---about those tiny ketchup bottles...do you think they got mustard ones too?"

"No mommy, no, we can't get those, cause the cookies touch the cream and that's just yuck, it's yuck, please, don't buy them, please?" Helen squirmed in the aisle of the Avenger's Facility commissary.  She was definitely edging on whining, and she knew that was bad behavior, only a little one, not enough to take her star for the day, but still, bad behavior nonetheless.  Helen was in an interesting phase of her childhood right now.

She wanted to see how much she could get away with.

She found that due to the fact that she was so tiny and cute and adorable, even when she was being SUPER bossy and not nice about it at all, and a little whiney, and a little smart mouthed, that she didn't get into big, big trouble.  So she was slowly trying to ramp up each of those bad behaviors that she had, and they were the only ones that Helen had.  She would never compare to Bucky, who was well behaved, good and helpful at almost all times.  Unlike Tony, who was smart mouthed, a little lazy bones and swore sometimes, and Natasha who did whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, Helen was pretty well behaved.

But she still wanted to see what her adorableness could let her get away with.

So far, she found that Daddy would allow her more impolite bossiness than Mommy.  Helen thinks that her Daddy is so forgiving of that behavior because he can be pretty bossy too all the darned time.  But Mommy would let her be more whine-y than Daddy did.  Helen thinks that her Mommy is like that because as grownups they had a rule where they were allowed to whine about the bad things (they used a bad word to describe it as adults) that happened in their lives.  They usually had wine and cheese though, but Helen didn't like cheese that much anymore, and while she did like grape juice, but was pretty sure she wasn't allowed to have wine.

"Helen, you are not the only person that we are shopping for right now, remember?" Darcy reminded her patiently.  She gave a commiserating look of exasperation to David, the retired SHIELD stock boy who always asked her how the hubby was doing and if the hubby had given her whatever special thing that David had recommended Steve to bring back to her.  David was adorable, and if she weren't so darned head over heels in love with Steve, she'd probably try to date the sixty-five year old cutie.

"But it bothers me," Helen whined.

"Helen," Darcy warned.

"I don't want to have food touching in the house anymore!" Helen stamped her foot just once.

Just once was all it took and Darcy was kneeling and looking at her with an expression that brooked no nonsense.  She put one hand around Helen's right wrist and maintained a scary level of eye contact.

"Helen Cho, do you really want the rest of your day to be a bad day?" Darcy asked calmly.

"NOooooo," Helen whined.  "I DON'T LIKE THIS ANYMORE I WANT TO BE A GROWNUP SO YOU'S CAN'T TALK LIKE THAT TO ME ANYMORE!"

"I know you do, sweetie, I know," Darcy nodded, still looking firm and unmovable.  "I want you to talk a couple calm breaths and let me know if you think we should do our shopping later when you've calmed down."

"NO, NO!  YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE!" Helen immediately looked panicked instead of on the verge of a tantrum and Darcy counted that as a win.

"Where exactly do I have to be?" Darcy shook her head in confusion.

"We're sending you and Daddy to Washington and you're going to go to a lunch meeting with stupid face General Ross, and then you're going to have a night in a faaaaaaaaaaancy hotel together so you can kiss and be loud about it," Helen nodded, looking gleeful about it.  "Cause I heard you's guys saying stuff like, shhhh Steve, honey the kids'll hear and then Daddy was like make me ssssssshhh, dollface ."

"Oh boy," Darcy blinked and felt her cheeks turn red when David came by in the aisle, dropping a package of condoms in there in a not at all stealthy manner.  "Oh boy."

"Is okay, Mommy, us kids like that you and daddy are in pretty sparkly loooooooooooooooove ," Helen giggled.  "And Daddy's gonna ask you to marry him and then we'll ALL go to Disney for honeymoons!"

"Uhm," Darcy blinked.  She had to get back to the original point of the conversation before she was swept away with Helen’s adorable romanticism.  Because if Steve did ask her to marry him, well, she didn’t think she’d physically be able to give him any other answer but duh .   "I can't---I can't leave you guys overnight."

"Uh huh," Helen insisted.  "We gots a sitter and everything.  And not Cookie Butt cause he cries cause I'm not old enough for kisses.  Kisses are fun, right, Mommy?  Like, when I'm older I bet I'm great at kissing."

"Sure, sure, sweetie, I'm sure you are," Darcy nodded absently, straightening out her posture and going for the cookies that had caused Helen's mini-meltdown.  "Who exactly did you get for your sitter?"

Helen smiled to herself and looked down at the basket of things they'd accumulated on their shopping trip.  She saw what nice Davie put in the basket.  He always was so helpful when Helen would come to the store with Mommy or Daddy.  He knew that food shouldn't be touching for her, and did his best to bag stuff the right way, according to Helen.

"Ant-guy and the three warm rats," Helen answered.

Darcy thought about the logistics of that.  Scott and his three comrades in arms were surprisingly good with the kids.  

And they were technically four of the most trustworthy people on base.  This was of course because all four of them idolized Steve to a ridiculous degree, and Darcy to a normal degree (According to Darcy).  They would probably be ideal.  

Helen nudged the dreaded cookies to the side and looked at the box that David had dropped in.  She knew what those were for.  And she wondered just how naughty it would be if she made sure they wouldn't work.  Nats would be SO happy because with how potent Daddy's reaper duck shine system was (Helen knew this for reasons.  Reasons she couldn't remember), then Mommy would get a baby in her belly in no time.

Helen looked up, thinking of what she could use to make teeny, tiny little holes that no one would notice at all.  Helen knew her Mommy didn't take tic tac baby pills like Helen used to because of hormone levels or something, so if she did manage to make a small tiny hole well then---Helen saw Davie looking at her suspiciously and looked properly ashamed of herself when he shook his head no at her slowly and firmly.

She wrinkled her nose.  It was probably super naughty and she’d get into so much trouble.  Like all of her stars would probably get taken from her forever.  She nodded and smiled at Davie.  Daddy’s proper lap ticks were totally safe.

For now.

Chapter Text

Chapter Fourteen:  Numbnuts Strikes Again

"SUPPIIIIIIIZE!"

Four highly trained SHIELD agents did their very best not to jump in their places at the sudden alarm the small, terrifyingly adorable battle cry incited within them.  They'd been warned by Director Hill that something like this may occur.  They had seen the Black Widow in action, as an adult and as a toddler.  They had been prepared for the worst.

But still, they had been listening to a six year old Winter Soldier speak calmly and authoritatively about security protocol (he didn't go over anything new, but it was pretty adorable to hear about proper path flight preparation from someone so small).  And when Bucky had gone into the little nuances of watching out for Steve Rogers, especially, well then all four agents were completely rapt with attention.  Bucky offered a lot of insight about Steve Rogers that SHIELD hadn't quite prepared him for.

"You gotta watch out, cause he's totally crazy for my ma, so that means he's gonna be mooning over her and watching her out of the sides of his eyes and then he'll probably trip over thin air---but he's faster than all of you's, so, even if he doesn't see the threat till five seconds after you, he's gonna be quicker and you gotta camp an safe for that."

One of the SHIELD agents started taking notes when Bucky went into how Steve would eventually accidentally lose the security detail, probably inside a building, and entirely on accident.  And Bucky had even strictly told them that once the couple was in their hotel room for the night, surveys lance would immediately stop because if they disrespected his ma, then they were in for a world of hurt.

One of the more seasoned SHIELD agents had the good sense to shiver at the promise.  

And of course, that was when the two year old decided to do a surprise attack, taking out two of them at the knee and letting soft electrical charges buzz through the small of the other two's backs.  She rolled forward until she was crouching at Bucky's feet, looking up at him with one of her irrepressible wild grins.

"You didn't have to 'lectrocute those two, Nats," Bucky smiled down at her with all the fondness his face could hold.  

"Bizz bizz suppize," Natasha giggled to herself.  "James, dey is softies..."

"Ma and Pop are gonna be fine," Bucky promised.  "Sides, we got things to do, remember?"

"Oh yes.  Fun!" Natasha nodded as Bucky helped her up to standing.  She pointed sternly at the SHIELD agents and demanded, "Nats make ouchie booboos if'n you bad!"

"Yes, Agent Romanoff, we understand," the most seasoned Agent nodded.  "Your parents will be completely and utterly safe.  But---"

"No butts.  Butts is dumb," Natasha waved him off.

"I'm a little concerned regarding you having things to do," the agent persisted.  He had children of his own, two girls that were quite the little troublemakers, but thankfully not as naturally skilled and finely trained in the deadly arts as Natasha was.  But still, he caught Bucky's hint, and Natasha's apparent excitement at the thought of what they were going to do.  He knew an elaborate plot set up when he saw it.  He decided to appeal to their more pragmatic side.  He remembered during his own training years ago that the Black Widow had one somewhere.  "I'd like to know how I'm supposed to handle Rogers and Miss Lewis should it be found that the four of you are off doing something... naughty ."

"Nats not naughty!  Take it back!" Natasha pointed her finger and pouted at the man. "Nats haba gold star."

"Sure, sure," the experienced agent nodded.  "But are you going to be doing anything to get it taken away?"

She scoffed at him.

"We're okay, Agent Sanchez," Bucky promised.  "We're not doin' nothin' naughty."

And then Natasha laughed, because Bucky did his gooey face.  He had learned it from Steve when both he and Steve were six years old the first time around.  He'd observed Steve getting away with all kinds of sass with the ladies around the block, including Bucky's own mother, who usually had no time or patience for sass.  But there Steve was, sassing anyone who had ears that he wasn't gonna go inside and stop playing stickball, he didn't care if he couldn't breathe or not, he was gonna stay outside and play until he was good and ready to go back in.  

If Bucky had talked like that to his ma, he'd a wound up with a sore rear end, for sure.  But Mrs. Barnes took one look at Steve, who had just sassed her, and he had this look in his eyes.  It was a curious blend of beseeching earnestness and honesty combined with that iron will personal righteousness that Steve seemed to have been born with.  And Bucky had been stunned that his Ma did reach out and grab Steve's ear as the undersized, sickly boy stood staring down at the mothers who had told him to head home to avoid the chill, his hands fisted at his sides, and his tiny jaw set in stone.

And his Ma laughed.

And then let him play stickball for another hour until it was pitch black dark.  

Bucky had asked Steve to teach him that look right away, but Bucky never mastered it.  He didn't have that iron will that Steve had, but he did manage a certain kind of gooey look.  It said to anyone he aimed it at that he was harmless and essentially good, and that if he just had his way with whatever he was asking, he'd never ask to do anything untoward ever again.

That look had stolen Bucky many a kiss when he had been a teenager, he was sure of it.  But he wasn't so interested in kisses at the moment.  Sure, he loved Natasha loads, and he liked when she pressed sticky, candy flavored kisses all over his face, but he'd wait patiently until they were changed back or grew up naturally to being a teenager again to try and get those different, heightened and advanced kinds of kisses from her.  Right now, it was just nice to hold hands and cuddle and play with Play-doh together.  And occasionally go on an adventure that his Ma and Pop definitely didn't need to know anything about.

"Alright, because I'd hate to see what your mother would do to the poor agents and babysitters that lost track of you," Agent Sanchez tried one more time, but Bucky just gave him that gentle, placid smile that could have probably warmed the barnacles off of the Titanic, and Natasha wrinkled her nose at all of the agents.

"Worry youself! My Mommy stay safe or Nats gonna dang you wif Daddy's shield!"

"Fire in the hole!" Tony announced gaily as he ran into the room.  He gave Bucky two thumbs up and nodded.  "We're all good on Operation You Know What for You Know Who."

"Oh boy," Sanchez breathed out warily.

"Sir, leave it," one of the lower ranking agents whispered as he eyed Natasha, who was pawing at her favorite sharpened spork with a glint in her eyes.

Sanchez sighed.  Ultimately his only concern had to be the safety of Darcy Lewis, that order came from Steve Rogers himself.  The children had their own team.  And the backup team.  And then the backup's remote backup team.  And then the four babysitters themselves.  Besides, as clever as Natasha was as a toddler, Agent Sanchez had to believe that Director Hill was one step ahead.

"MOMMY!" Natasha called out happily as Darcy, Steve and Helen came into the plane hangar.  She popped the dangerous spork back into her little sleeve and ran to Darcy with her arms stretched out.  Darcy laughed as she picked up the baby and cuddled her close and fiercely.  "Mommy 'n Daddy go have funs and bring Nats candy."

"Okay, baby, what kind?" Darcy wondered.  

"All?" Natasha shrugged, pulling away from Darcy's embrace and smacking a sticky kiss right on her mouth.  She then easily swung herself from Darcy, to Steve, who was carrying their overnight bags in one hand and had the other arm wrapped around Darcy's shoulders.  She perched herself on Steve's broad shoulder and looked down at him with that smug little expression she was so great at as an adult and as a child.  "No fightin', Daddy."

"I can go twenty-four hours out in the wild without getting in a fight, Nats," Steve promised her.  

"No  fightin', Daddy," Natasha repeated sternly.  "Mommy fight too if Daddy fightin'."

"Alright, baby, I won't fight," Steve gave her a sincere smile.  "Unless someone tries to come after us."

"That's not gonna happen, I have the best people on your team, and we sent out decays and Die Bird Shins," Bucky announced.  

"It's Diet versions," Tony corrected.

"It's Dive earth tins," Helen corrected him.

"That sounds, that sounds good guys," Steve grinned at the three children.  "Now, does anyone need anything special from DC?"

"I need you to give the Secretary of State a wedgie!" Tony looked up in excitement.

"No, Tony," Steve said quickly.

"A patriotic wedgie?" Tony wondered.

"No wedgies," Steve valiantly bit back a grin.  "Remember when Peter gave you a wedgie?  That's not nice."

"But Ross deserves it, he's a numbnuts!" Tony insisted.

"Tony!" Darcy scolded, even as the four agents waiting for Darcy and Steve to get on the quinjet snickered in the background.

"Use the proper medical word, then it's not naughty," Helen encouraged sternly.  She nodded in agreement with herself and said, "He's a numb test or calls.  And he should probably see his doctor about that."

Darcy hid her laugh in Steve's bicep and he valiantly bit at his bottom lip to keep it in.  Two of the SHIELD agents had to run into the quinjet with their hands over their mouths.  

"Sir, we have to make our window," Sanchez announced, the only one with a good poker face.  He was used to it by now thanks to his own kids.  

"Alright, hugs and kisses, guys," Steve announced.

One of the remaining SHIELD agents put her hand over her mouth to stop the cooing noise that was trying to escape, and even Agent Sanchez had a fond, indulgent smile on his face as Steve reached down, with Natasha still on his shoulder, and opened his arms wide.  When he straightened back up, he had Tony on one bicep, Bucky on the other, and Helen in the middle.  Steve gave Darcy a wink and kept his arms open until she too got into the hug, smashing against Helen, and wrapping her arms around Steve.  

It was a great hug and it was nice to see Captain America looking like a normal dad, saying goodbye to his kids.  He looked happy and proud and calm in a way that no one could remember seeing him.  But probably more important was that everyone involved in the hug, both Darcy and the kids, were practically oozing love at the man who really, truly deserved it.

Kisses flew back and forth indiscriminately.  At one point Tony made a grossed out sound as he was sure that it had been Bucky that had planted one right on his nose, but it didn't matter.  All in all, he'd take a kiss on the nose from Barnes, which wasn't so bad when it came down to it, especially when he got everything else all at the same time.  

His Dad had somehow managed to get a hand on Tony's back and was stroking it up and down, and his Mom was petting at his hair and Bucky's hair at the same time.  Natasha was making a happy humming noise and Helen was wiggling in contentment.  All in all, Tony didn't think he'd ever had such a nice hug before.

"Look at that hug, Scottie.  Look at it.  I want in on that hug.  Like, damn yo, that looks like what marshmallows taste like, all soft and sweet and fluffy," Luis said from the door to the hangar.  

Scott Lang and the Three Wombats looked to be ready to go into business as pre-school teachers.  Dave had Helen's medical bag, along with his own first aid kit strapped to his back.  Kurt had repurposed suspender gun holsters to hold crayons, markers, sticker rolls and plenty of little coloring books rolled up and fastened securely to his person.  The holster on his back was full of stuffed animals, dolls and little toy cars.  Scott was kitted out with diaper bags, full of freshly laundered ones for Natasha, every wipe you could imagine, and then he had a diaper bag solely devoted to snacks.  

Luis, however, was carrying two separate bags, full of stuff that Natasha had told him they would need.  He didn't understand why the kids needed explosives, but he didn't argue with little Natasha.  He loved her to bits, and found that she could hurt you just as much at two as she could at...twenty-something, or fifty-something.  Or however old she was when she was back to normal.  He did what she said, and he had the bag of carefully backed explosives, along with extra coloring books and a few sets of legos to play with if they got bored with what Kurt had to offer.

"Okay guys, you should get going, I booked you fancy private massages in your room!" Tony announced happily.  "The service asked if you wanted a happy ending, and I was like, DUH, who doesn't like a happy ending?"

Even Sanchez ran away with laughter at that.  Darcy couldn't help a giggle of her own and she kissed the little boy's temple with a loud, audible smack.

"Tony, you're the best."

"Ready for test subject 573," Hank Pym announced.  

Wanda levitated the old potted plant into the open space of the lab where the original shrinking had taken place.  Sam made a sullen face in the control room that had been constructed just outside of the room.  Hank ignored the man who was constantly breathing down their necks for a "cure" to Helen Cho's second childhood.  Vision, however, never ignored much of anything.

"You have a problem, Wilson?" Vision asked in his pleasantly neutral way.

"You've deaged about a hundred potted plants in the last three weeks," Sam watched as the room was tightly closed up and Hank went about flipping on switches as the rest of the thrown together science team, the best and the brightest of what the world had to offer, really, took notes and measurements and observed.  "When are you going to be using a human subject?"

"We've only been able to deage the plants half of their shelf life," Vision conceded.  "All of the children are currently much younger than half of their life.  Would you wish Dr. Cho to be turned into a teenager instead of the thirty-four year old young woman you fell in love with?"

"I don't like when you go with human logic, Viz, go with your crazy purple logic," Sam huffed out.  "I'm sitting right here, I'm willing to be used for your tests.  Figure it the hell out."

"I'm not turning another of the Avengers into a child," Hank argued.  "I've told you, that this will take time to solve, and the bulk of solving the problem is recreating the problem.  There is no magical cure, Wilson, and if you want to go find one, you should have left when Thor did a month ago.  Now, continuing with test case 573, where we are trying to recreate the age ratio of Doctor Cho, if you had been paying attention."

Sam rolled his eyes again, but sat forward.  He knew, as a practical person, that it was smart to recreate the science in order to figure out how to fix the science.  But it had been two months.  He liked little Helen Cho, four year old bossypants just fine, but he missed his girlfriend.  

Suddenly, the lights to the lab cut out and the scientists went into a panic.  The houseplant that Wanda had levitated into the ground zero lab was shaking and in the glint of the emergency lights, Sam could see the shine of metal, bright and cold and...chrome.  

Tony loved chrome for pranks, especially.  He didn't use a lot of it in his suits or bots, but he loved using it for pranks.  He'd been waxing poetic about it back on the night Ultron attacked.  Chrome was a trash metal and he liked to use it on trashy pranks.

While the scientists started to go a little nuts when a hundred, miniscule bots came out of the plant and began flying erratically around the lab, possibly destroying everything the scientists had built so far, Sam got up very quickly and ran for the door.  He pulled his phone out immediately and began calling up Scott.

It went straight to voicemail.

"You motherfudger, if I find out you've taken my girl off base when she's a gosh darned toddler, I will shove my foot so far up your poop chute that you will be doo-dooing my shoelaces for the next motherflipping year, Lang.  CALL ME BACK!"

Sam didn't have the presence of mind to pat himself on the back for Helen's anti-swearing campaign working a little as he ran for the Avenger's staging area (locker room, it was a glorified locker room), intent on getting his wings, but he'd gotten there and sure enough they were dismantled down to spare parts.

"Friday?!" Sam asked.

"HOLA!  Yo SOY FRIDAY!  DO YOU WANT TO HAVE AN ADVENTURE TODAY?"

Sam blinked.  Because that didn't sound like Friday.  That sounded like Dora the Explorer.

"Motherfudging Fudge Balls."

The trip to DC only took half an hour, and the hotel that had been chosen had a landing pad, convenient for the small aircraft of heads of state, royalty and the random Avenger to land on.  

Steve and Darcy had made their morning massage appointment just in time.  Then they'd found their own happy endings together, thanks but no thanks for the offer, tiny Tony.  And a lovely bath had been waiting for them, full of bubblegum scented bubbles and a new bucket full of bath toys and crayon soaps.  

"I really love our kids, dude," Darcy grinned as she drew on Steve's chest with a red bath crayon.  He was fairly tattooed in Darcy's crayon art, red hearts over his chest, kiss marks on his neck, Property of Darcy Lewis written over the ridges of his abs.  

"I do too," Steve smiled, his eyes closed, letting Darcy have free reign with his skin.  The little movements she was making against his skin tickled a little, but he liked how her hands smoothed water over his skin before starting a new drawing.   "Can we stay in the bath forever?"

"No, lazybones.  The sooner we get this meeting with Secretary of Shit Ross over with, the sooner we can come back.  And order room service," Darcy winked at him when he opened one eye to look down at her.

"Bucky wants tiny condiment bottles," Steve nodded.

"Adorable little man, of course he does," Darcy grinned.  She surveyed the graffitti she had drawn over Steve's body and sighed, "Okay, time to rinse.  One of these days, when our kids are grown up, we're going to have to revisit this communal bathtime thing we're doing right now, because I really dig it, Steve."

"I do too.  Give us a kiss, dollface," Steve puckered his lips obnoxiously at her, smiling into the kiss she gleefully offered.  She tried to pull away and he shook his head slowly.  "Help me get this stuff off, all hands on deck, Darce."

All in all they were only fifteen seconds late for their lunch meeting with Secretary of State Ross.  Darcy may not have had a chance to blow dry her hair, but it was still professional looking in the bun she had tied it up in.  They breezed into the entirely reserved restaurant and sat down opposite the man who had been waiting already for an hour, according to Sanchez.

"Captain Rogers," Ross blinked, his face as placid and smarmy as it ever was.

"Sir," Steve nodded curtly.  He looked down at Darcy and nodded, "I'd like to introduce you to---"

"I'm aware of who Miss Lewis is, I'm having a little bit of a problem understanding what she's doing here," Ross waved away the introduction.  "We are attempting to negotiate new terms for your team in the event of a mass extinction event, since you've essentially swayed over half of the countries originally involved in the Accords to pull back their demands."

"You know why that occurred, right?" Darcy smiled as she allowed Steve to pull out her chair.  She sat down and was pushed gently in before reaching for a bread roll.  “You get three guesses and the first two don’t count.”

“You shouldn’t really be bringing girlfriends to matters of national security,” Ross sighed heavily, addressing Steve only and ignoring Darcy’s existence entirely.  

“It’s because, fundamentally, at the core of it, the Accords were wrong ,” Darcy continued gaily, as if Ross had never spoken.  She buttered a bread roll liberally and put half on Steve’s plate.  “When you’re dealing with a few dozen people who can literally stop the world from ending, you can’t wait around for an oversight committee to tell them to mobilize.  Yes, there should be checks and balances, but unfortunately, due to the tumultuous and tricky nature of mass extinction events, you can’t really plan ahead for them.”

“And what would a housewife know about world extinction events?” Ross demanded.

Darcy casually let her hand go beneath the table and put her hand on Steve’s thigh, squeezing three short times as she stared at Ross placidly,  Steve sniffed and rubbed at his nose, and in the background, Sanchez quietly switched places with another member of the security team.

“I survived four of them, granted one of them was on Vanaheim and not Earth, but I assure you, they’re still the same kind of animal wherever you may end up,” Darcy smiled at him.  “By the way, I’m here because Thor has named me his official spokesperson on Midgard.  So if you want any kind of cooperation from the heroes on Asgard, you’re going to have to talk to me, housewife or not.”

“Where is Thor?  We had Bifrost activity a month ago---”

“Thor is occupied with more important tasks than reporting to you,” Darcy said shortly.  Sanchez came back into the room and cleared his throat.  Darcy nodded and reached for the very sharp steak knife on the side of her plate and in the blink of an eye she was up and out of her seat and had the blade pressed against Ross’s throat.

Steve rose from his seat as well and made a rush for the Secretary of State’s own security, assisted by the team who had accompanied he and Darcy to Washington DC.

“I”m gonna ask you this once, numbnuts ,” Darcy hissed out, glaring down at Ross with a fierceness that would have had a less thick headed man shaking in fear.  “What do you want with my kids?”

Chapter Text

Chapter Fifteen: They Don’t Know That We Know That They Know

"We're up in the air," Scott whispered into his comm unit.  "Kids have no idea."

"Kids have no idea 'bout what?" Bucky wondered, appearing at Lang's side as he set the quinjet to autopilot.

"What? Jesus!  I mean, what?" Scott jumped at Bucky's magical appearance, and having gotten caught at something the kids probably didn't want him to be doing.  "Nothing.  What...I know nothing usually, I mean.  Look at me, I'm wacky Uncle Scottie."

"And I'm AWESOME Uncle Luis, hey little man, can you do me a solid and pop this water bottle open for me?  I have the carpal tunnel and you know, probably arthritis, cause it runs in the family.  Like my Uncle Lester has hands that are like claw shaped.  It's not so great for opening stuff, but it is pretty awesome at Halloween, cause he has like...instant lobster hands," Luis nodded as he turned in the co-pilot's chair and held out a small bottle of water with his right hand and made snapping claw shape with his left.

Bucky didn't look like he'd be swayed from his sudden suspicion of Scott's intentions, but Luis waggled the bottle at him and gave an especially helpless smile.  The kids, especially Bucky and Natasha, were kind of suckers for it.  Luis found that the more competent the person, the more they caved when he gave them that guileless, helpless smile.  It helped him get through a lot of tough times, actually.  

It was essential to do it now.  Scott was sweating bullets.  He was not used to lying to kids, at all.  Even though the lies had come straight from Darcy herself, and if a kid's mom said to lie to the kids, well then, Luis had no problem with telling a fib or two.  

"C'mon, little guy, I know you have the strength in your cool robo-arm to open this, and for real?  Uncle Luis gets mad dehydrated when he's up in the sky.  You know, that's not something I really, you know, discovered about myself until I started doing these bigger jobs with Uncle Scottie, cause like, I never flew that much before, mostly cause of the irrational fear of flying, not for lack of opportunity.  Cause my pops always wanted to be jetting off to the islands.  But I been to the D.R., that's the Domincan Republic, if you didn't know, like once, and I had to go there on a boat and everything.  Which is funny, cause my Ma came to this country on a boat.  You know, a life raft.  The American dream, am I right, little man?"

Bucky could only blink at Luis curiously.  But at least it took the heat off of Scott for a second.

Darcy and Steve had been pretty clear with the children's babysitters for the evening once they knew who Natasha had selected.  They would be heading to DC, but thanks to some long game interrogation done by Clint on the last set of would be kidnappers that had infiltrated the Avengers' home base, they now knew that the threat to the children was centralized.  It wasn't the nefarious AIM or Hydra or any other terroristic group.  

It was the good ole United States of America government.  One observant, but now fired and incarcerated, mole in the requisitions department had made a report about four children, formerly important adults, being on base and vulnerable.  The mole didn't even know who they reported to, they'd actually thought they were doing good, keeping the US government informed of what the Accord-less Avengers were up to.  

When Clint had reported to Steve that the trail had gone cold at the highest levels of power, Steve had immediately wanted to go after Secretary of State Ross.  Hill and her team of Shield agents had advised against it, seeing as the Avengers weren't at full capacity, and the public sentiment still wasn't at a good spot for super heroes of any kind, no matter if they had just thwarted another alien invasion or not.  

But when Darcy had found out a few days ago from Steve, who had been telling her his suspicions during one of their post evening news romps, well, then there was no stopping what was currently happening.

The kids were to appear vulnerable, with Darcy and Steve making a big show of leaving the facility.  Knowing their kids, Steve and Darcy had planned that they'd want to take their own field trip while they were gone and encouraged the sitters to take them up in the air quietly and stealthily as Natasha could wish it.  All the better to have them in the air when the inevitable attack came down on the facility, while Darcy and Steve were away and preoccupied.

Everything had gone off without a hitch.  

Well, except for the fact that the kids had set up plenty of diversions that were unnecessary back at the facility.  But everything seemed to be working out in their favor.  The little metal, robotic bugs Tony had set out in the running de-aging tests had escaped and were swarming towards the elite force of government operatives who had been sent to retrieve the children.  

Unbeknownst to all, Helen and Bucky had set up a little trap around Steve's residential quarters, and anyone who got too close and wasn't on Friday's approved list triggered the automatic pea shooters that aimed a syringe full of knockout juice (Helen had taken the benadryl provided by Kurt and boiled it down into a condensed, hyper potent dosage).  There were currently four unconscious bodies strewn haphazardly in front of Steve's door, waiting to be retrieved and tied up for questioning.

Perhaps most helpful of all was Natasha's contribution.  

She'd set up netting all around the perimeter of the base.  Granted, it had been an indiscriminate sort of trap, as it had taken and immobilized quite a few platoons of Shield agents as well.  But the point was that the vast majority of advancing enemy had been stopped dead in their traps by a net made of barbed wire.  

The one and only thing the kids had done that had not been helpful was turning Friday into Dora the Explorer.  Currently the only two people who could communicate properly with Friday were the ones with children: Agent Sanchez and Scott Lang.  It was less than ideal.  Speaking Spanish to the modified AI program didn't help.  Over ninety percent of the agents on base spoke Spanish fluently.  It wasn't the Spanish that was essential to conversing with Friday.  It was conversing like a children's cartoon character specifically that was giving some trouble to them.

Scott put his hand to his comm unit as Luis talked and talked and TALKED Bucky's little ears off.  

"Hola Friday?"

"Hola Snottie!" Friday said back cheerily.  "Do you want to go on an adventure together?"

"Yes, yes I do," Scott whispered with enthusiasm.  "But there's a problem, we need to count how many minutes there are until we can come back home with all of Snottie's fun friends and then we can have the celebridades!"

"Okay, everybody, we need to help our friend Snottie count some minutes before we can start the festividades!" Friday chirped with joyful enthusiasm.  "Agent Sanchez, do YOU know how many minutes we should count?"

"Well, we just got started on our fun project, and patience is definitely something we all need to have on hand today in our adventure," Sanchez admitted.  The sound of hand to hand combat was clear, and Scott could just make out Darcy's distinctive grunts that indicated she was hitting something.  He'd heard her make that noise before slapping him on the back of his head right after the kids had gotten shrunken to their current sizes.  "And Ross seems like a tough nut to crack, so it's going to be at least two hours before we can get him to give us what we need."

"Two hours is a lot of time!" Friday exclaimed happily.  "Friday the Explorer doesn't think she can count that many minutes, but she'll do her best and try---hey, that reminds me of a song about trying our best---let's---"

"Oh fudging crap," Sam Wilson called out overtop of Friday's excited chatter.  "She's still Friday the Explorer?  Hill said she had her best hackers trying to get her back to normal."

"Sam Wilson said a bad word!" Friday sounded distressed.  Excited still, but a little distressed.  "We're going to have to tell his girlfriend about that, because it would be so wrong to tell a lie.  Hey, that reminds me of the story of the little boy who cried wolf---"

"NO," Sam insisted.  "Lang, keep those kids in the air and occupied.  They brought about a hundred, and we're having some trouble getting them all wrangled.  At least a dozen unaccounted for---"

"But, we can't just keep hovering, you know who I'm flying right?" Scott hissed out.

"HEY!" Nats yelled.  She stomped into the cockpit and put her little hands on her hips to accompany the fierce little glare on her adorable, murderous face. "We is NOT movin'."

"Yeah, Nats, I was gonna ask that," Bucky promised her.  He gestured to Luis with a nod of his little head.  "But you know how this one likes to yammer your ear off."

"Unca Loo," Nats gave him a look that consisted of narrowed eyes and suspicion, and just a pinch of dismayed betrayal.

"Sorry," Luis sighed.  "We just wanted to keep you guys safe, you understand that, cause you know, we worked so hard on those nets to keep everyone at home safe, even stinky Director Hill---"

"Hells!" Bucky called out.  

"Yeeeees?" Helen sing songed, she was strapped to the booster seat which Kurt had installed on top of the quinjet chair.  Helen was a stickler for flight regulation rules, for herself.  She let her siblings and their babysitters roam as free as they could want, but she would be happy to stay in the chair, strapped appropriately until they got to where they were going.  

"Sending Luis to you so you can watch him," Bucky advised.

"Tent fours, Sargey!" Helen chirped back cheerfully.  

Luis nodded sadly, knowing that he wasn't going to be quite useful as a babysitter anymore.  He and Helen were probably going to chat themselves hoarse for the remainder of their time together.  

"Nats is better'n Hillie," Nat said very suddenly, glaring at Scott as if she could sway his mind if he dared to think differently.

"We know," Scott smirked.

"Anty give Tony control of birdy plane," Nats ordered as Tony ambled up into the cockpit.  

"Uhm, no?" Scott offered.

"We got stuff to do, move outta the way, Snottie," Tony ordered obnoxiously.

"NO," Scott sneered back at the bratty version of his secret arch nemesis.  Scott had been very discreet, but Peter Parker had definitely gotten a thank you gift in the mail after the whole wedgie and wet willie incident.  Scott would have loved to do the same, but he didn't want Natasha and Bucky to pull out his entrails and make him eat them.

"HOLA FRIDAY!" Tony called out cheerily.

"Hola Boss!  It's so good to spend time with you.  Do you want to go on an adventure?" Friday asked with that unwavering, excessive cheerfulness.

"Yes, yes, I absolutely do," Tony grinned.  "Send the controls of this jet to my pad and make the flight path look like that game we played yesterday.  Me and Hells Bells will play it and get us to where we need to go."

"Can I play?" Kurt asked from back in the quinjet bay area.

"Maybe," Tony said shrewdly.  "We don't want you crashing us in a ditch."

"Daaaam---aaaaaarn," Dave corrected himself quickly, which got him a nice little pat on the shoulder from an ever watchful Helen.  He smiled at her, still looking a little wary around the edges before leaning over and glaring full force at the back of Scott's head.  "You owe me, Lang."

"I know.  I know."

"This is probably, more than likely---" Steve paused, taking the moment to put a forearm to an oncoming attacker's throat.  The people Ross had protecting him weren't US government.  They weren't armed forces.  They weren't even from the United Nations.  They were hired thugs.  

It was nice, because hired thugs usually decided to stay down when hit just once.  It made it easier to get through the rest of their co-workers.  Steve smirked as he spotted one out of the corner of his eye crumple to the ground like a male soccer player hamming up a tiny scratch for a penalty.  Steve could only shrug.  He wasn't going to complain about people falling like a drama queen when the alternative was hitting them just hard enough for them to go down, but not hard enough to cause permanent damage or even more permanent death.  

"It's inappropriate, I think?" Steve ventured before taking an oncoming attacker and lifting him bodily above his head, then throwing him into a row of oncoming hired goons.  He smirked again when a few standing nearby faked falls and lay in lazy heaps on the ground.

"Just say it, sir," Agent Sanchez rolled his eyes as he and the other agents began restraining and tagging the two dozen men on the ground already in the restaurant.  

"That's really very---uhm," Steve paused, watching as Darcy manhandled Ross at the dining table.  She was sitting on top of the prone man's back and had the man's face pressed into the butter dish, his arms twisted uncomfortably behind his back as she dug her knee into a tender point at the base of his spine.  "It's appealing."

"You can do better that that, sir," Sanchez advised calmly.  "My husband appreciates when I say what I mean, sir.  Honesty is a great way to start something great...no Friday, no, thank you, I don't want to sing the honesty song."

"It's sexy," Steve blurted out.  Darcy grinned at him before putting a little more force behind her knee.  Steve gazed at her in wonder and actually had to be pulled out of the path of a particularly brave attacker by Sanchez.  Steve recovered quickly though, and managed to grab the fake waiter's collar and yank him backwards, slamming him into the ground.  He winced and hoped that the cracking sound wasn't a broken bone for the guy, but decided he didn't actually care all that much.  Instead he turned and watched Darcy some more and said, "You're a helluva dame, Darcy Lewis."

"You say the nicest things," Darcy cooed.  She pursed her lips before settling her attention back on the numbnuts who had apparently sent over one hundred armed forces in to steal her kids away.  Sanchez had set out the tracker prior to the meeting, and the signal from Secretary Ross's phone went directly to one of the first captured men at the facility.  And Darcy was willing to bet it would also match the first signal they'd gotten off of the people who had shot her weeks ago.  

To say she was a little bit pissed off would be an understatement.  

"What do you want my children for?" Darcy asked again, this time digging in her knee even harder.  Ross was beneath her, breathing hard, but not crying out in pain yet.  She'd be more than willing to change that.

"They're not your children, are they?" Ross grunted, his voice showing the strain that the physical attack was taking on him.  It'd been a long time since he'd been on the receiving end of physical punishment.  He was a bureaucrat after all.

"Wrong answer, numbnuts," Darcy muttered as Sanchez came over and secured the Secretary of State's wrists, giving her the use of her hands back.  She smacked Ross on the back of the head, just enough to make him wince.  "They're my kids, and believe me, I will fucking flay you with the butter knife rather than have you breathe the same air as them."

She smacked him again for good measure and nodded at Sanchez to flip the larger man over and put her knee right on his balls instead of the base of his spine.  She leaned in and got a wicked grin on her face when Ross yelled out with pain.

It really did pay off being the only foster daughter in a house full of rambunctious slightly older boys.  She knew the good pain points.

"Answer me," Darcy ordered.

Steve was watching carefully now.  The immediate physical threat of Ross's hired goons had been taken care of and he was never trusted with tieing them up on a good day.  He carefully stood one foot behind Darcy and one foot to the right, in her blind spot, but close enough so that she could feel his warmth and know he was there to back her up.  He'd have done the same thing if she was doling out punishment to one of the kids, and it felt like the right thing to do.  Let Darcy do her thing and just offer strong, silent support where needed.

Ross roared out in pain as Darcy's knee pressed in harder.  Steve errantly wished Darcy had been around during that first terrible meeting with Secretary Ross about the Accords.  It would have been a very different meeting, that was for certain.

"Why do you think we want those little abominations? Are you that stupid?" Ross spat out, sounding as if he were going to stroke out at any minute from the pain and the exertion that comes from pain.  "What government on Earth and beyond wouldn't want two physically enhanced toddlers to shape them the way they need to be shaped.  Hydra made the mistake in changing Barnes too late and the Russians were too soft on changing Romanoff enough.  Not to mention what I could do with the brilliant engineer and doctor."

Darcy stood back a little, glaring down at Ross with enough anger to light him on fire.  The thought of Bucky and Natasha, small and terrifying though they may be to a stranger, being made into murder machines once more was sickening.  The thought that Ross would be willing to use unenhanced Tony and Helen in servitude towards his global plans was abhorrent.  She didn't care how she got them. Lab accident.  Adoption.  Completely by coincidence.  

They were her kids.  They looked to her and Steve for safety and happiness.  They looked to Steve for home cooked meals that were not peanut butter and jelly, but everything else they looked to the both of them for.

"Sanchez?" she said quietly.

"Yes, Miss Lewis?" Sanchez answered.

"Cut the feed to Hill."

"Done," Sanchez nodded at his men and they all went to their comms and switched them off.

"Steve, honey?" Darcy turned to him and saw his own anger and outrage mirroring hers.  

"Yes, sweetheart?" Steve managed to say softly, keeping the ire he felt for Ross out of his voice when addressing Darcy.  

"Make him hurt a little, and then he's taking a little trip.  This guy wanted to find Banner a few months ago, so let's send him to Banner."

"GET THE APPLE HELLS GET THE APPLE!" Tony shouted happily.

"I'm gonna be sick," Dave muttered, feeling more than a little green around the edges as the quinjet swerved in the sky.  

The game that Tony had invented was like frogger, but with a chipmunk dodging leaves in order to go and grab falling apples instead.  And every move the chipmunk made, the quinjet made.  They were all over the sky, and the kids and Kurt seemed to be really enjoying it.  Luis was passed out on the floor thanks to a steady decrease in cabin pressure on level 2 of the game.  Scott was desperately trying to reason with Friday the Explorer to get control of the quinjet back.

Bucky had a sweetly napping Nats securely held in his arms as he easily withstood the sways of the jet as they monitored feeds of Darcy and Steve's security detail.  It was exceptionally quiet and seemed to be running smoothly.  But then again, they had picked Sanchez and his crew for reasons.  They always ran a good mission.  The feed was just showing their parents sitting at a table with Ross, eating dinner and chatting.  

He had no idea that it was false footage, and luckily for Darcy and Steve, Natasha was sleeping and wouldn’t be able to figure it out either.

"We're almost done!" Helen called out excitedly.  "Oh, math problem, uhm...two times two plus the square root of---Tony, this isn't fair!"

"Plllppp," Tony blew a raspberry.  "How do you ever expect to get all brilliant again if you don't practice your math?"

"Uhm, when I get reserved back to normal age all my brain cells will go back to normal cap-stat-city," Helen shrugged as Tony did the math problem for her.

Tony shrugged.  He, Bucky and Nats didn't talk about staying little around Helen anymore.  She was really the only one of them that wanted to grow up so bad, thanks to Wilson.  It was another reason why staying away from Pepper and Happy and Rhodey was a great idea while he was little.  If he was around them, not only would it be SUPER embarrassing, but he also didn't want to have to deal with wanting to be big again too.

It was just so much easier to be little and let Darcy and Steve take care of everything.  

Well, except for this one thing.

"You guys ready we're landing in three----two----" Tony announced.  The quinjet hit a landing pad with the last number.  He grinned up at a green Dave and waggled his eyebrows.  "I'm pretty awesome no matter how big I am, right?"

"Sure," Dave winced, reaching into his first aid bag and pulling out a bottle of pepto.  He took a healthy swig, winced at it, then took another swig.  "You're the man, Stark.  You're the man."

"HOLA FRIENDS!" Friday announced.  "We have a visitor, would you like to play a game of guess who?"

Silence greeted Friday the Explorer.  

"Okay, here's your first hint, she's named after something that's spicy and she is currently overriding my protocols!" Friday gaily announced.

The quinjet bay doors opened and standing at the end of the ramp was someone named after something spicy.  And she had definitely overriden the protocols.  Tony internally winced.  He'd forgotten she had carte blanche overrides to anything and everything he ever did.  He'd have to figure out a way to get those back.

"Tony," Pepper said softly, looking down in stunned wonder at the six year old boy with a tablet in his hands and a frozen smirk on his face.  "Is that really you?"

Chapter Text

Chapter Sixteen: Senorita Spicy and El Jefe

"Where's Ross?"

Darcy, Agent Sanchez and the three other SHIELD agents who made up the security detail all managed the most exquisite poker faces.  Darcy even conjured up a very confused face, as if she didn't know who Ross was to begin with.  Steve, bless his heart, managed to shrug and make a vague I don't know face .  Maria Hill, whose whole face took up the entirety of the holographic screen in the quinjet rolled her eyes for a full forty-five seconds.  

"I've got my SHIELD detainment lead reporting back to me that you have approximately fifty-five unfriendlies, only eleven of which will need immediate medical attention, which I would be congratulating you for, usually," Maria spoke specifically to Steve, who still had that look on his face that he always got when he was trying very hard to lie.  "But Ross is not among any of them.  Anyone care to tell, me, specifically you, Rogers, where the Secretary of State is?"

"I don't know," Steve shrugged again.  "He must have gotten away from us."

"Really?" Maria sucked in a deep breath, closed her eyes and counted to ten.

"Really," Steve nodded.  Darcy discreetly placed a hand on his backside and gave a firm squeeze.  It was a cue they had set up moments before getting on the quinjet.  Steve swallowed once and decided it was better than anything else he could have come up with and gave Maria a smile.  The one that always let him get away with murder when he was a kid, teenager and scrawny adult.  He very rarely had to use it since the serum, since being Captain America let him get away with a lot, but it had come in handy.  

He doubted it would work on someone like Maria Hill, though.  It had never worked on Peggy either.

Maria squinted at him before putting her hands over her eyes to shield her from that smile that probably could have let Steve get away with literal murder.  

"So, when my one scientist who was not actively combatting tiny, mechanical bugs, managed to get a reading that the Bi-Frost had opened up in Washington, DC, it was just a glitch?" she persisted.

"Maybe it was the kids with their subterfuge?" Darcy put in helpfully.

"You are not allowed to talk," Maria said sternly.  It had not taken Maria very long to know that Darcy could talk her way out of nearly anything.  Pepper had warned her about it back in 2012 on one of their cherished, but few and far between girl's nights out.

"Rude," Darcy huffed out.  "Have the kids landed yet?  I'm thinking we can surprise them for good behavior with an ice cream cake."

Maria dropped her hand to give Darcy an incredulous look.  She knew what the younger woman was doing.  She knew she was trying to get her off the subject of Ross.  And she knew she shouldn't rise to take the bait.  But just as Steve had a way with charming someone out of their wits with a smile, Darcy had a similar ability.  Derail, distract and absolutely incense a person into a different subject entirely.

"Are you FUCKING kidding me?" Maria demanded irately.  She knew what Darcy was doing, but was unable to resist the lure of Darcy’s purposeful idiocy.  "Are you FUCKING serious?"

"Director Hill, that's a naughty word and I'm going to write it down and let Dr. Helen know later!" Friday the Explorer interrupted cheerfully.  "This is your tenth time being so naughty in the last hour, so I think now is a GREAT time to sing the Belly Breathe song again."

"Don't you fucking dare!" Maria looked around the room at the incorporeal artificial intelligence.  "I will aim a missile right now at your server banks."

"Director Hill, that was really mean!" Friday chastised.  "You seem to have forgotten what a true friend is like..."

Maria looked ready to explode as Friday launched into a song about friendship to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat .  Darcy couldn't help but smirk as she saw someone's toe tapping in the background of the live feed from the Avenger's facility.

"You want to reward your kids for good behavior?" Maria shouted over top of Friday's continued warbling about being Friends till the End and Kindness to Others is Kindness to Yourself .  "They made the AI system not only useless, it's actually working AGAINST us now, they set out over two hundred mechanical bugs on site that have caused at least one hundred thousand dollars in structural damage, they strung up unapproved defenses that have over three dozen SHIELD agents in medical and had actual plans to leave the base for parts unknown and you want to reward them?"

"Sure," Darcy smiled.  "Really, aside from wanting to leave base without permission, they did a great job of defending their home and each other."

"I hate you, Lewis," Maria spat out.  

"Hey!" Steve shook his head at Hill with warning.

"It's okay, honey, she doesn't mean it," Darcy said knowingly.  "It's like complicated girl talk."

"The kids are still up in the air, I'll let Lang know they can come down," Maria grumbled.  "Friday?"

"Hola, Director Hill!" Friday chirped.

"Can we get a super SECRET message to Snottie telling him that it's okay to start in on the fun going home adventure that we had planned?" Maria asked with a curious blend of childish enthusiasm and absolute disgust.  

"Oh, no, Mi apologia's, Maria," Friday said, the Irish lilt mixing in with the overly decorous Spanish pronunciations.  "The Fun Going Home Adventure has been cancelled!"

"What?" Maria looked livid.

"The fun going home adventure was cancelled and rescheduled.  It'll start as soon as the original adventure adventure is finished," Friday relayed.  

"Friday?" Darcy wondered.

"Hola Mami!" Friday greeted cheerfully.  "I have a message for you."

"Okay, I'd love to hear it!" Darcy chirped back.  She'd been watching a lot of children's programming in the last two months.  Like Agent Sanchez, she spoke very fluent kid's show.

"Great!" Friday exclaimed.  "Now, there's a super secret question guarding the treasure box holding your message.  Do you think you can answer the super secret question?"

"I'll do my best!" Darcy promised.

"Fantastico!" Friday cheered.  "Mami, the question is, who do you love the best?"

"Oh, that's a hard question," Darcy nodded. "But I think I know the right answer."

"Okay, let's hear it!" Friday encouraged.

"I love all of my kids just the same, which is the most," Darcy answered.  "More than coffee."

"You're RIGHT!" Friday cheered, and the holographic screen filled with balloons and confetti.  A cartoon treasure box appeared on screen and creaked open, revealing a pirate scroll.  "Let's read the message together!"

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

We are just fine, don't worry.  We had to go on an error run.  We'll be back by bedtime with our babysitters and we love you very very very very much.  Have fun with your SMOOOCHIES and kid-free pirate-see.

"Friday, is there any kind of fun game we can play where I can find out where the kids are right now?" Darcy wondered.

"Oh, I'd love to play a fun game with you, Mami," Friday promised.  "But I already played the fun, find out where the quinjet game is.  Looks like someone beat you to it.  And that game was only allowed once.  But let's look for---"

"Friday," Steve interrupted.  He didn't talk children's shows as well as Darcy did, but he had seen enough as well in the last two months.  "Can we play a game where we find out who---uhm, who played the find out where the quinjet game is...game?"

"First off, Papi," Friday said sternly, pausing only a moment when she heard Agent Sanchez snort with barely contained laughter.  "It's not polite to interrupt like that.  We want Doctor Helen to be less rude when she's being bossy, so you have to set a good example.  I think that you should have to sing the Be Polite just Because song."

"Sure, I'll sing it, and I'm sorry?" Steve ventured.  He was verging on a panic here.  They'd dealt with the one threat that seemed to want the kids, but who knew if there were others out there already?   He took a deep breath as Darcy's shaking hand slid from his bottom to the small of his back, stroking there intently.  "But, can we please, play a game to find out who knows where the kids are first?"

"Okay, I don't have a pre-programmed game for that," Friday faltered.  The AI quickly recovered though.  "I'll give you the same hints I gave Tony!  The person who played the game earlier and got the quinjet to land where it landed is named after something SPICY and overrode my protocols!"

"Pepper," Darcy breathed in relief as Sanchez stepped forward and began planning the route to New York City instead of the Avenger's facility.

"She's at Stark Tower, she wasn't supposed to be, but when we knew what we were doing today, we kept her plane grounded instead of heading West," Hill reported quickly. "You authorized giving her twice daily reports on the kid's well-being, when everything went to shit earlier, she missed her afternoon report, and probably wanted to investigate."

"Miss Spicy Pepper was not so great at playing the game, she swore eighteen times and threatened to melt my server banks!" Friday reported with childish indignity.  "She used her super secret special password and managed to make Friday tell her where the kids were and then made them land the plane right away!"

"I'm sure Pepper is sorry, Friday," Darcy promised.

"I'm going to send her a fruit basket," Maria muttered.

"Director Hill, Friday heard that!" the AI sing-songed.  "I think it's time to sing the Ship Shape up Your Attitude  song again."

"Don't you dare you fucking evil---"

Friday interrupted with the sound of trumpets playing out Row Row Your Boat again.

" Your attitude is no bueno, Your attitude is no bueno.. ."

"This place is AMAZING!" Bucky whispered as Pepper marched behind four kids and four babysitters, her arms crossed and her face resolute.

He had never been inside Stark Towers before, he was pretty sure about that.  He would have remembered the cool steps leading from the landing pad to the penthouse patio below.  There were all kinds of fantastic and imaginative little machines everywhere.  It looked like something straight out of the future, all cool glass and smooth metal.  Natasha was happily showing Bucky what some of the machines did, namely the one at the bottom of the landing pad that would have normally removed grown up Tony's Iron Man suit.  The two year old had Tony's tablet in her hands and was telling it what to do by hitting the green button repeatedly.  

It was unclear whether the toddler had intended for Tony's machine to begin to try to undress Scott Lang and the Three Wombats.  But intended or not, the results had Helen laughing and covering her face and Bucky watching in amazement.  

"DUDE!" Scott yelled out as one of the robot arms goosed him in an effort to take off backside armor.

"Seriously?" Dave indignantly hissed as two robotic arms massaged his pecs.  "I've been treated better in prison."

"Sorries!" Natasha called out gaily, not one bit sorry as Luis shrieked as the crotch armor remover tried to remove crotch armor.  Once they were all inside the penthouse, Natasha threw down the tablet on the closest plush, low couch and then grabbed Bucky's left hand, pulling him further into the penthouse, intent on impressing him with more robotics and machinery.

Scott and his cohorts slowly trudged to the bar, and Kurt did not hesitate to reach for four bottles on the highest shelf, indiscriminate of what they were.  The four babysitters quickly had taken swigs, clearly willing to give the CEO of Stark Industries complete responsibility over their fiendish charges.

"What are you doing here?" Pepper wondered as Helen and Tony stood side by side, staring up at Pepper appraisingly.

"We had to get somethin' we needed," Helen explained vaguely.  "We should probably go, but now our sitters are getting in tax and Kate'd, and I don't think we can drive."

"Happy is here, he could drive you," Pepper said automatically, focusing on Tony and his uncharacteristic shyness.  

"No," Tony looked down at the ground.

"Dr. Cho, could you give Tony and I a moment to talk?" Pepper wondered hopefully.

"I don't know," Helen hedged, her hand going to Tony's automatically to comfort the little boy she viewed as her older brother now.  "Tony didn't want to see you, and I think he's over whaled right now."

"Oh," Pepper nodded.  She bit at her bottom lip and knelt down on the ground so that she was face to face with the two children.  Helen was staring back at her with open curiosity.  They'd met once or twice before, with Pepper being the one to seek out the brilliant young doctor for Stark Industries.  But Helen had been incredibly over whaled herself, even as an adult when faced with Pepper Potts.  It was kind of refreshing to see her bravely staring Pepper in the face as she clutched Tony's hand.  "Do you happen to know why Tony didn't want to see me or talk to me?"

"I have some high pop the says," Helen nodded solemnly.  She felt Tony squeeze her hand, his face still downcast to the floor.  It felt like permission.  

"I'd love to hear your hypothesis," Pepper nodded.

"Tony likes being little," Helen shrugged.  She worked her little mouth into a pucker as she thought of the best way to explain what she inherently knew.  "I don't like being little as much, I mean, it's nice, cause we got Mommy and Daddy now, and I have brothers and a little sister, and that's so nice.  It's like a vacation from being a grownup, and we play all the time together.  And mommy and daddy love us so much, and that's real nice."

"I'll bet it is," Pepper nodded, her eyes skating from their focus on Helen momentarily to look at Tony, who gave a little nod of his head.  Pepper knew better than any living person what Tony had suffered at the hands of his father.  Tony was no stranger to emotional abuse that had fostered a lifetime of doubt and insecurity leading to everything else that had happened to him.  

All previous arguments between the two men aside, Pepper was sure that Steve Rogers was a wonderful father to Tony.  And Pepper knew for a fact that Darcy was a wonderful mother figure for Tony as well, certainly more hands on than Tony's own mother had been.  Of course Tony would enjoy having a carefree, happy childhood in a busy, happy home with loving siblings and parents.

"I want to grow up, cause I have a boyfriend that I wanna marry!" Helen announced, a big grin taking over her face and crinkling her eyes with happiness.  "His name is Sam Wilson, and he can fly, and he's so cute and he gives great hugs, but since I'm little, we can't do grown up kissing and Sam gets sad cause I'm not a grown up sometimes."

"That makes sense," Pepper nodded in agreement.  "It must be very hard for Sam to spend a lot of time around you, because he probably likes you very much as a little girl, but he misses his grown up girlfriend."

"Yeah," Helen nodded sadly.  She shrugged and looked to Tony quickly, wondering if she should say more or stop talking completely.  His lips pursed again and pushed a little to the right, which he always did when he wanted an extra cuddle from Mommy or Daddy, so Helen figured it meant more.  "But Tony likes being little, and he doesn't have a boyfriend like Sam Wilson, you know?"

"Yes, I know," Pepper nodded, a little confused.  

"And if he didn't have a Sam Wilson around, getting all the sads cause he was too little to kiss, then he could stay little and not be too---too---simple pathetic," Helen said softly.  "And if he wasn't hurting nobody like his own Sam Wilson and his real good friends, then he can be little for as long as he wants.  And like, if I never saw Sam that first day months and months ago, then I might not have remembered how bad I wanted to be big again.  So if Tony doesn't see his Sam Wilson, then---"

"Oh!" Pepper's eyes went a little wide.  She looked to Tony again, suddenly getting a little perspective into why Tony had whole heartedly refused to see her, Rhodey or Happy for the last two months.  It was a little selfish of him, and at the same time a little selfless of him, which was so very much like the grownup Tony she had come to love so dearly.  

"There's other reasons too," Helen nodded.  "Like reverse base act two me's and having cute babies with his face."

"What?" Pepper blinked.

"You wanted to have babies in your belly, and Tony couldn't give 'em to you cause he thinks that's a bad idea," Helen nodded.  "Either that or his bullets don't come out right, but I told him I could fix that when I'm growed up, his bullets'll shoot GREAT once I put his test or calls in a special fix 'em up machine---"

"HEY! MY TEST OR CALLS WORK JUST FINE!" Tony insisted, looking shocked and horrified as he heard Scott Lang have a little snort of laughter over by the bar.  "SHUT UP SNOTTIE!  FRIDAY?!?"

"Hola Boss!  It's so good to hear from you, do you want to have another adventure?" Friday wondered.

"SEND A SUIT THAT'LL FIT SNOTTIE AND THEN FLY HIM UP TO GET HIT BY A PLANE!" Tony yelled.

"CAN DO!" Friday agreed and the sounds of machinery from a floor above started to echo throughout the penthouse. Scott immediately yelped in fear and jumped behind the bar.  To their credit, the three wombats went for weapons to defend their friend, but they were still laden down with children's items, and it was unclear what kind of damage a box of crayons, a to-go pack of wipe 'ems and Helen's favorite stuffed kitty cat would do.

"Tony, TONY!" Pepper stood up and looked to the ceiling.  "Friday, cancel that."

"I'm sorry Senorita Spicy, but I---"

"Friday, cancel that, I already gave you my override, you insufferable bitch," Pepper growled out.

"oooooooooy!" Helen pointed at Pepper with wide, unblinking eyes.

"So, if you're not gonna let me destroy Snottie, can you at least let us go finish our mission?" Tony wondered, kicking at air with his velcro sneaker clad foot.  Pepper smirked when she saw the tiny strobe lights built into the sneaker go off when his heel came down.  

"Sorry Senor Jefe!  Agent Nats and Winter Bucky are handling the mission," Friday announced.  "They should be complete in the next ten minutes."

"BUT I WANTED TO 'SPLODE STUFF!" Tony wailed out in annoyance.

"I thought they needed our help?" Dave demanded.  "I thought I was gonna get into a good safe tonight..."

"She never actually needs our help," Scott sighed.  "With Barnes, she has the motor skills needed to get anywhere she wants."

"I'm sorry, what are the adorable ex-KGB super weapons doing in my tower?" Pepper wondered of the already intoxicated babysitters.

"They wanted to get something out of the safe," Luis ratted the children out quickly.  He was pretty sure they wouldn’t blame him.  Pepper Potts was scary, even without the Extremis thing going on. "Like, not money, or anything, cause Tony can just get money if he wants to, which is crazy yo, like it's the plot to one of those movies from the 90's, where the kid was super rich and did whatever, but learned that the true meaning of life was in friendship and not, like, things and shii-stuff.  What's that one movie called?"

"Richie Rich," Kurt supplied.  He leveled Tony with a somewhat menacing look.  "I hated Richie Rich."

"Yeah, that one, and then the one where Richard Pryor was on the little train?" Luis looked up to the ceiling in thought.  He shrugged it off quick enough and smiled back at Pepper, "But yeah, we weren't here to steal your money Senorita Spicy, we were just here to go and steal something the kids won't tell us about, but apparently is super important for their pops.  And you know, I kind of am in love with their pops, but in a way that's not like I want to steal him from their ma, but just sort of want to you know, worship him platonically.  And I'm confident enough in my hella dope masculinity to say that, cause, you know... Steve Rogers ."

"That's good to know," Pepper blinked at him.

"I wanted to explode things," Tony sulked.  "Sir Chats-a-lot, give me the bag of explosives, I'm gonna explode something!"

"NO, YOU'RE NOT!" Pepper insisted, unable to keep her voice from rising pretty quickly.

"YES. I. AM." Tony stamped his feet with every word, the angry effect wearing off with every blink of his light up sneakers.  "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! YOU'RE MY GIRLFRIEND AND I CAN EXPLODE WHATEVER I WANT SO LONG AS I PAY FOR IT LATERS!"

"Tony, no, the gold stars," Helen warned in a whisper.

"WHAT GOLD STARS?" Pepper demanded.  Her temper was flaring and it was she could do not to have her hands heat up as she pointed at Tony and said, "YOU LITTLE PIECE OF----"

Helen gasped.

" Booger !" Pepper finished.  "I will take ALL of the gold stars, EVER, if you keep this crap up!"

"You're AWFUL with kids, why do you even want 'em?!?" Tony screeched at her willfully.  

"WHO IN THE HELL SAID I WANTED KIDS?!?" Pepper yelled back.  

"YOU SAID...you said," Tony shrugged.

"Tony, I wanted a PUPPY.  A rescue dog," Pepper laughed.  "I do NOT want kids.  I promise you that.  I mean, I'm pretty close to strangling you right now. I thought that I did for like, a week a few years ago, but then I realized they were a fucking nightmare.  Like you are right now.  And seriously, keep giving me that bratty face, and I will strangle you..."

"Uhoh!" Friday chimed in.  "A threat to the physical safety of my friends is a BIG no no, Senorita Spicy!  Because you couldn't figure out a way to talk out your differences with El Jefe, this means you've activated the super fun parental guidance override."

"Wait, what?" Tony blinked owlishly.  He hadn't programmed such a thing.

"I wrote it myself, El Jefe!" Friday proudly exclaimed.  "Senor Vision told me it was a smart thing to do, and I'm so glad I can do it.  Patching in Mami and Papi...count it down with me everyone!"

To their credit the very sloshed babysitters began to count raucously.

"THREE!  TWO!! ONE!!!"

Darcy and Steve appeared on the big screen in the recessed couch pit of the penthouse.  They looked...unhappy.

"OH NO!" Helen wailed out, instantaneously in tears.

Pepper cringed and looked completely out of her element.  But she was regarding Tony, who she still kind of wanted to strangle, and the look on his face was a thing of beauty.  He looked scared and guilty because obviously, he'd been caught at something naughty.   But there was also a little light in his eyes.  Gone was the temperamental anger and tantrum face, instead he had a small hapless smile fighting at his lips as he saw his new parents on the screen looking concerned, but ultimately relieved that Tony was safe and sound.  It was kind of a beautiful thing, if Pepper was being honest, and she understood why he would want to stay a child and not have anything or anyone to tempt him away from his second childhood.

"Tony?" Steve questioned.  "Friday said that someone threatened you, are you alright?  Who was it?  One of the Wombats?"

"HEY!" Luis called out in dispute.  "I mean, Hey, respectfully, but I don't hit kids!  That's just...not cool, man.  I can't believe Captain America thinks I would threaten adorable kids.  My world is like, shattered."

"Sorry, Luis," Steve apologized sincerely, his focus still on Tony and Helen.

"You know what would make me believe you were sorry?" Luis mumbled.

"I'll get a suit specially made for you and let you use the shield for pictures," Steve sighed.  He shook his head slightly when Luis did an enthusiastic fist pump before high-fiving his friends.  Steve looked at Tony critically then and said, "We're on our way, Sanchez will drop us in about ten minutes."

"Awww, test or calls," Tony sighed.

"It was me, Steve, I just---lost my cool," Pepper announced. "And said I'd like to strangle him...a little."

"Uncool, Pepp. He's six," Darcy scolded seriously.  Sure, she was Pepper Potts and she was terrifying, but Darcy really didn’t give a damn when it came to her kids.

"Yeah, I get that," Pepper sighed.  "He wanted to explode things."

"And I WOULD'VE been able to, but you distracted me with your dumb pretty face and your perfect and stupid shiny hair!" Tony accused.

"You know what?!?" Pepper glared down at the six year old version of her on again, off again paramor.  

"Pepper..." Darcy tried to soothe the savage beast.  The last time she had heard that tone from Pepper had been when Darcy and Jane had stupidly taken Pepper to a tremendous clothing sale, very good deals, entirely invitation only, and crawling with vicious shoppers.  Pepper had been like a wet alley cat then.  

"If your parents don't get here in the next nine minutes, I'm going to grab you by your ankle, and hang you upside down from Dum-E!" Pepper threatened.  "And then I'm going to make you listen to Now That's What I Call Music 4 !"

"THAT'S THE WORST ONE!" Tony shouted, absolutely flabbergasted.  "YOU MEAN OLD BEAUTIFUL WITCH!"

"Tony!" Steve scolded.  He turned from the screen and said, "Sanchez, floor it, or Tony's getting thrown from Stark Tower in a fiery ball of death."

"YOU AWFUL, EVIL, VILE ADORABLE LITTLE MONSTER!" Pepper's face was turning red, and did look a little...fiery.  

"HEY!" Darcy yelled, and really, the mom voice worked on everyone now.  Even Kurt and Dave dropped their drinks and looked to the screen in fright of what kind of verbal tongue lashing the little mother was going to dish out.

Darcy blew out a quick breath before blinking and looking at the screen, searching everywhere.  She turned pale and whispered, "Where are Bucky and Nats?"

Chapter Text

Chapter Seventeen:  A Pair of Mother Russia’s Finest

"This Nats' room...some time.  Not since Ult-poopface."

Bucky looked around in wonder, a state he was getting used to at Stark Tower.  Everything he looked at was somehow fantastical and futuristic and absolutely amazing.  Bucky wished that he and Tony could have gotten along better before they were made into kids and subsequently, brothers.  He would have loved to live in a place where the doors slid open for you, and the showers knew who you were, and the refrigerators said hello and offered  you a nice glass of cold water as you passed.  

And he'd so far collected six or seven tiny little robots that had been following him around as he followed Natasha around the Tower (something about the vibranium arm attracted them to him like flies to honey).  She'd showed him all of the wonders of the penthouse, before they took a secret passageway that Clint used to use when the Avengers had spent more time in New York City.  Before Ultron.  Or Ult-poopface as Nats referred to him.  

The tiny toddler had been gleefully giving Bucky a tour, showing him where she kept the best weapons all around the Tower, and also the cooler things that she knew he enjoyed.  

"Do you think Tony'll let me keep her?" Bucky asked hopefully as he held up a small robot the size of a hockey puck, that had been dusting Natasha's long unused apartment faithfully.

"Nats'll make him let you," Natasha nodded with a happy little smile pushing her rounded cheeks up in a way that made her eyes squint.    She really loved seeing that awestruck happy look on Bucky's face.  It made her all warm and happy inside, like how she felt when her Mommy gave her hot chocolate with half a bag of marshmallows.  Or when her Daddy let her get away with extra candy and then gave her a big, giant, super strong hug.  

"I'm gonna name her, Alice," Bucky nodded, patting the little cleaning bot, his face lighting up even brighter when the thing hummed happily at him.  

"C'mon!" Nats yanked on Bucky's metal hand again, dragging him to the bedroom she had called her own less than two years ago.  "Look at a bed!"

"Fun," Bucky nodded.  He wasn't tired though.  And the only thing he and Natasha did in bed anymore was sleep.  

They used to wrestle.  Or at least Bucky thinks they used to wrestle.  It felt like wrestling.

"Watch Nats," Natasha nodded before climbing up on the large King sized bed, still neatly made and clean.  She gave Bucky a brilliant, eye crinkling grin before launching herself up wards.  "Five little Nats is jumping onna bed.  She fell off 'n bumped her head!"

Natasha waited until she was as high as possible before falling back to the bed and lying herself in a purposefully dramatic pose.  She lifted her head a little, one eye shut tightly and the other open,

"Bucky call a doctor 'n a doctor said..."

She gave him a cheeky little grin, one eye still tightly shut as she waited for him to finish her song.  Bucky felt like bursting with absolute love and adoration for her.  She was his absolute most favorite person on the face of the planet.  He loved his Pop plenty, and he really loved his Ma.  And he loved Helen and he was pretty sure he loved Tony in a way now too.

But he wanted to spend ALL of his time with Natasha.  Little or grownup, it didn't matter.  He just knew that he never wanted to lose her again, because he wanted to be at her side for the rest of whatever life would ever bring them.  

Natasha made a little dancing squirm on the bed as she waited patiently and Bucky laughed before saying in a sing song voice, "No more Nats, jumping on the bed!"

"Naaaaaaaah," Natasha shook her head before popping back up on her feet again and repeating her song.  Bucky started jumping with her and Natasha knew his impressed face meant that she was right.  Their bed at Mommy and Daddy's place at the upstate Avenger's facility was nice, more than nice.  It was perfect, really.  But there was something about this bed right here that was just made for jumping.  

They sang through the song for at least five minutes, Bucky's patience for the repetition that Natasha needed now was limitless.  

"HOLA TINY TERROR TWINS!" Friday announced.  "El Jefe told me to tell you a secret, do you want to hear it?"

"YAAAAAAS!" Bucky and Natasha both yelled out loudly and eagerly.

"Your Mommy and your Daddy are on their way, you have ten minutes to finish your adventure!" Friday warned them cheerfully.  

"OH! Nats wants a candy," Natasha furrowed her tiny brow.  

"C'mon, Nats, we'll manage to find the candy too," Bucky promised, and the two of them were off like rockets.  

"Friday is holding a SUPER SPECIAL elevator for you at the end of the hall!" Friday reminded them.  "Now what do you say?"

"Thank you Friday, that's really swell of you," Bucky smiled up at the ceiling.  

"You get extra points for being so polite, Bucky!" Friday announced.  What the points were for, no one knew, but Bucky liked getting points, nonetheless.  He wondered if they could somehow translate them into good behavior gold stars so that he could get Nats to Disney faster.

The two kids got into the elevator that Friday had waiting for them.  They rocketed downwards, going nearly a hundred floors in no time.  Natasha reached out a hand and held onto Bucky's left one just as the elevator rushed to a stop at the bottom, before rocketing forward instead of down, heading away from Stark Tower faster than any subway.  

"Hi!  It's Friday, remember me?" Friday asked happily.

"HI FRIDAY!" Natasha waved her free hand to the elevator door.

"Mami and Papi are SO mad.  Daddy has to sing the Kindness song, at least ten times!" Friday reported.  "And now Mami is crying because Friday can't tell her where the tiny terror twins are adventuring to."

"Ma's cryin?" Bucky fretted.  He looked to Natasha with a small, worried pout.  Natasha shook her head and squeezed uselessly against vibranium.  

"No, James, no," she insisted.  "Friday, tell Mommy ’n Daddy that Nats and James is okay. Okay?"

"Okiedokie, artichokey!"  Friday confirmed.  She took a moment as the children zoomed along.  "Papi says that's not good enough and he said that you better go to the penthouse right away, but he didn't say please, so I think you can ignore him!"

"We gotta be quick," Bucky sighed.   It had been a long time since he'd been out and about in New York City.  Dreams of FAO Schwartz danced in his head, and he could remember just staring at the building as a child, with Steve by his side, not daring to even go inside, lest they ruin all the fine toys there.  He'd give just about anything to run around the store with Nats and Tony and Helen.  

And he knew his Ma would let him have all the toys he could reasonably carry.  Which was a lot of toys.

And he wondered if that sweets store still existed in the nicer edge of Steve and his old neighborhood, because if it did, then they would definitely have to stop in and get some of those rock candies for Natasha.  She'd love them.  

The elevator car came to a stop and Natasha used her leverage on Bucky's arm to stop the both of them from falling forward.  The underground car was a great way to get around to certain spaces in the city. Grandpa Nicky-Nick Fury had negotiated pretty heavily to have them added to Stark's designs.  

They were pretty handy to get around the city quick when necessary.  Grown up Natasha had only used it once to go and get pizza.  But it had been a pizza emergency according to Jane Foster and Thor, so that accounted for something.  Natasha drug Bucky out of the car very quickly and she darted down a dark sewer like corridor before she arrived at a circular safe like door that had what looked like a Friday panel on the outside of it.

"Knock knock!" Natasha whispered to the panel, then did a little squirmy shimmy as she waited with baited breath for the answer back.

"WHO GOES THERE?" the voice that boomed back at her was reminiscent of the Wizard of Oz.

"Nats wants treasures," she said decisively.

"Scanning for security clearance," the Oz-like voice informed her.

"Uh oh," Nats blinked up at the the thing, a good two feet above her head.  She giggled when Bucky immediately lifted her up so that her eyeballs were in the right place.  She hugged Bucky's forearms that were wrapped around her and said, "James is a good James."

"Thanks, doll," Bucky smacked a kiss to the top of her head before putting her down as the door opened, perhaps for the first time ever.  They walked into a vault room of the most secure bank in the world, easy as pie, and Bucky was thankful they managed to shake the Three Worm Cats off their tail.  Those guys were nice and pretty decent babysitters, but it would just be too tempting to give them these easy breaking in secrets.  "Wonder what Pop put in his safety pots it box?  Aside from the ring."

"Daddy got James pretty watch 'n Pegs compass n' Coulson's messy card," Natasha rattled off as she smashed a button on her phone, conversing with Friday to freeze cameras and hide her tracks.  They began walking through the vault, intent on getting to Steve Rogers' rarely visited safe deposit box.  "N' gum!  OH!  He took Nats' gum, less get it back!"

"Nats, doll, you're too little for gum," Bucky said gently.  "We'll try to convince Ma and Pop that we should get some candy before we head back."

"Take. It. Back." Natasha said fiercely, crossing pudgy little arms in front of her.  In her mind, she was not too little for anything.  It  made her suddenly cross that Bucky would think her too little to do something.

"Take what back?  That we'll go and get candy?  Cause you love candy more than me!" Bucky laughed.

Natasha may have looked serious before, but now she looked horrified.  

"TAKE IT BACK!" she shrieked before tackling him to the ground.  

Bucky winced, thinking he was in for a big ouchie booboo and there was nothing at all he could do about it.  He would never lift a finger to hurt Natasha ever again in his whole life.  He remembered some stuff from when he was bigger. He definitely had hurt her before and he would never do it again.

"James, James, take it back," Natasha begged, sounding desperate as instead of hitting him, as Bucky had feared she would do, she simply cuddled him fiercely, her arms wrapped around his midsection, her face buried in his right armpit.  "Take it back..."

"Take what back, doll?" Bucky let his right hand go to the back of her head and stroke there.  Maybe their mom was right and maybe they really did need naps even with super serum variants running rampant through their systems.  

"Nats loves James the most," Natasha whimpered.  "More 'n candy.  More 'n anything.  Nats loves James more 'n anything."

"I was mean to you," Bucky whispered, struck stupid by her truthful, emotional outburst.  "I was mean to you when we were bigger.  I was so mean to you."

"NO," Natasha insisted.  "James makes Nats strong.  Nats loves James more 'n candy."

"Alright," Bucky said softly, his left arm going around her little body and squeezing gently.  "I love you too, doll."

"More 'n Daddy?" Natasha mumbled hopefully.

"And in a different way than I love Pop," Bucky nodded.  

"Nats wants to be big enough for kisses," she said thoughtfully.  "Just a little."

Bucky laughed and leaned his head down to place a soft kiss on her cheek.  

"We'll grown up eventually, doll," Bucky promised.  "Now c'mon.  We have to go and break into a safe and get the ring and then we'll see what we can do about candy."

"It's behind the lamppost!  look behind the lamppost!"

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT!  It's hiding behind the cotton candy cart!"

Darcy blinked as Pepper berated Kurt while the CEO of Stark Industries and Scott Lang and the Three Wombats tried to outwit Friday the Explorer.  The artificial intelligence system seemed to be drunk with power, but thankfully not the kind of koolaid that Ultron had been drinking.  She was rewriting her own protocol constantly, trying to be helpful to everyone in her own unique, Friday the Explorer kind of way.

Friday knew where Bucky and Natasha were.  She was forbidden to tell the adults where the children were until physical violence was threatened against the children.  Tony and Helen wouldn't budge either, saying that Bucky and Natasha were perfectly safe and they were just running an errand that they needed to have run.  Helen had even bravely forfeited all seventy-two of her gold behavior stars she had earned in the past few weeks.  She absolutely refused to turn in her pseudo-siblings.

She did sniffle and cry a little about it, and both Darcy and Steve knew that if Natasha and Bucky came back in one piece, then they'd probably give Helen her stars back.  They’d get a verbal lashing from Maria Hill, but they’d do it.

Friday could sense Steve and Darcy's panic.  Literally, in Darcy's case.  The mother of four's heart rate and blood pressure were to the ceiling and Friday had helpfully informed Steve to go on a quest to find a seat for the poor woman before she passed out from anxiety.  

Friday didn't like upsetting Darcy.  She was Tony's Mami, and therefore was obviously held in high esteem by Friday.  And Steve Rogers was a nice guy most days, according to Tony.  And he was very worried about the wandering children and now Darcy herself as she took deep even breaths to try and calm herself.  

Steve's vitals were perfect, but Friday calculated that his vitals were always perfect, except for that moment right before he and Darcy's nightly "news watching" came to an end.  Then his heart beat did amazing somersaults that Friday thought were truly fascinating, whether she be in her Explorer form or her regular form.

"Sweetheart, you okay?" Steve whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind Darcy's ear.

"They're just so small and helpless," Darcy lamented.

Scott gave a snort from the bar where the three Wombats and Pepper Potts were trying to play the holoscreen game that Friday had given them to give clues as to where Bucky and Natasha were.  

"They're totally fine," Scott promised.  "They're the two most capable people on Earth, no matter how old they actually are."

“Mother Russia did some things right,” Dave shrugged.  “I mean, she fuu---”

Helen gasped.

“Messed them up too,” Dave saved himself.  “But yeah, they’re capable, Mrs. Rogers, don’t worry.”

Steve’s breath stuttered a little as he tried to calm Darcy by stroking her knee.  Dave always referred to Darcy as Mrs. Rogers, and no one had bothered to correct him that Steve and Darcy weren’t actually married.  Steve would be lying if he said he wanted Dave to stop calling Darcy that.  Felt kind of nice to hear, actually.

"Yeah," Darcy nodded a little, trying to convince herself of that.  She felt a burning lump in the back of her throat and her eyes began to tear instantly despite her attempts to calm down.

Steve felt his heart in a vice as he saw Darcy's despair and heartbreak right in front of him.  He went from kneeling in front of her to up on the couch in no time, wrapping her up in a tight embrace and stroking his hand through her hair.

"Everything is going to be okay, I promise, I promise you , Darcy.  I'll go out and find them right now," Steve swore.  

"I just...I love them so much!" Darcy whimpered into the crook of Steve's neck.  "I didn't know you could love other people this much that you weren't...you know, romantically with.  I didn't know I could love someone so much, and I don't know what I'd do if something---if something---"

"Mami!  It's Friday!" Friday announced.

"Friday, please, not now," Steve said softly.

"Kudos to you, Papi for using your manners!" Friday congratulated.  "Bucky and Nats have relayed a super secret message and want you to have it!"

"Please, yes, let's read it together!" Steve made sure to sound extra excited to placate the sabotaged AI system as he turned Darcy in his arms.  

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

We're so sorry we had to go and get something we needed cause of reasons.

Can we please make it up to you by buying you toys at FAO Schwartz?  We'll meet you there in fifteen minutes!

Love,

Bucky and Natasha."

"I'm gonna---I'm gonna strangle him when he's grown up again," Steve whispered.  He closed his eyes and felt all the tension leave his body, as well as Darcy's.  She melted into him, going a little boneless in her relief and he could feel her breath pushing against his skin in a long rush.  "Thank, fucking, God."

"OYyyyyy Daddy!" Helen said softly.  "I deserve one of my gold stars back 'cause you swore."

"DADDY!"  

Natasha was on top of Steve no sooner had they exited the large limo that Happy had driven them in.  Of course none of the six adults in the car had seen Natasha while they pulled up, and Agent Sanchez had not reported seeing her or Bucky on the ground while his team scoured the area.  

The toy store had been conveniently evacuated thanks to a call from Maria Hill.  She'd rather ruin the fun for families and kids for the last fifteen minutes of the store being open to the public than run the security risk of having "the little monsters" around "the normals".  Pepper had gotten in touch with the upper echelon of the store management and provided a portion of Tony's chrome budget as bonuses for employee discretion and overtime.   Pepper also had her on call "Tony disaster" staff, who had been woefully unoccupied as Darcy and Steve handled Tony's day to day disasters now, rushing into the store to get the ten employees who had agreed to stay to sign NDA's.  

It was a big operation when all was said and done.  

Steve was adding it to the list of things Natasha and Bucky owed him after they were bigger.  He was thinking of trading in their misdeeds for their future silence regarding picking on him about Darcy.  He was using the fact that he now administered Bucky's bathtimes as future insurance against any spectacularly reckless stunts he may have to pull.  He was looking forward to the day when Bucky tried to scold him about jumping from a building or something similar with, "I used to wash behind your ears and dry your butt with a warm, fluffy towel".  

But this latest stunt of the kids REALLY took the cake.  Darcy was keeping it together the whole ride to the toy store, but he could feel her hand attempting to shake as he held it fast.  He ignored the gossiping, assessing looks from Pepper as he pulled Darcy close in the backseat of the limo, his lips finding the side of her temple often.  She was still sort of a mess, and Steve understood how she felt.  They both knew now that the love they had for the four people who had been de-aged into children was the all encompassing love that parents always waxed poetic about.  

As it turned out, those poetic parents had been absolutely right.  When a person assumes responsibility for a child, when they become a real parent, they love them so much, it consumes them.  And not in that passionate way that fickle romantic love has, where it burns bright and fast and hot.  This parental love seeped into a person’s bones and became an integral part of their every waking moment.  The four children may not look to Steve and Darcy for physical safety all the time, as they were terrifyingly capable of protecting each other.  But they looked to their parents for emotional safety and stability and happiness.  

And Darcy and Steve spent nearly every waking moment trying to give the kids that.  Safety, warmth, and happiness.  Steve was proud to provide it for them. His own happiness now depended on making those kids feel loved.

He wouldn't know what either of them would do if something bad happened to them.  

He blamed that parental, unconditional love for not remembering being angry at Natasha as she quickly climbed up his body to give him a strong and tight embrace.  She smelled like a combination of the  lavender fabric softener that Darcy used to wash the clothing in, the baby powder they used for her diapered bottom and something vaguely metallic in nature.  Natasha gave the best hugs.  Grown or small, the only person to give better hugs was Darcy (the reason behind this was because Darcy was the one to TEACH grown Natasha how to hug).  Steve took a deep inhale of Natasha's unique baby scent and the metal smell seemed a little stronger.  He looked to his left and sure enough Bucky was in Darcy's arms, holding on tight to his Ma as she stroked his back and cried silently.

"They PLANNED that," Scott huffed out drunkenly in a whisper to his equally intoxicated cohorts.  Even Pepper had thrown back roughly six shots of very expensive scotch at that point.  "They know that Darcy's one true weakness is that metal armed adorable murder nugget.  And Steve can't resist the super small murder troll doll."

"Don't you ever do that again, Mister!" Darcy was louder than she had ever been with Bucky as she squeezed him as hard as she possibly could.  "I don't care what you were doing, but there is no reason to put everyone through all that.  There are awful people out there that want to get you guys, and it would break my heart to have something bad happen to you."

"I'm so sorry, Ma," Bucky said earnestly, tearing up himself.  It was a combination of having this wonderful feeling of safety and security as his little mother hugged him tightly to her, her hand stroking his hair tenderly, in addition to the fact that his perfect little mother, who was so good and kind, loved him so much that she was upset.  He hadn't wanted to worry or upset her, but she would understand when they surprised their parents that it had been absolutely worth it.  "I love you, Ma."

"Love you, Daddy," Natasha whispered sweetly against Steve's neck as she remained resolutely plastered to him.  

"Nats, I know what you're doing," Steve said softly.  

"Yes?" Natasha nodded against Steve's neck.  "Nats know you did 'n tell 'bout yucky Ross.  Dat's bad, Daddy."

"Sweet pea, I'm not gonna tell you about every little thing, you're a baby," Steve reminded her.

"Even baby Nats needs a know dat," Natasha insisted.  She pulled away from cuddling and smacked a kiss on the end of Steve's nose.  "We even now, Daddy, less go play!"

Steve looked to Darcy, who had stopped hugging Bucky, and was ending her inventory of his well being with a thorough kiss over.  She was kissing every inch of his face as if it was an overly affectionate way to assess him for minor injuries.  To his credit, Bucky endured it with a dreamy and happy little grin on his face.  

"Can we go and buy toys now?" Helen wondered from the safety of the limo.  She wasn't about to get NEGATIVE gold stars for not listening to an unspoken order of stay put .

"What on EARTH do the four of you deserve toys for?" Pepper demanded, a little more confused than angry.  She was still in the limo, sitting next to Helen on the backseat.  "You could have all been kidnapped and sold to the highest most dangerous bidder!"

"Nuh uh," Tony disputed with all the intelligence he could muster at the moment (not very much) as he tried to jump his way up to the sunroof of the limo after having spent the whole of the short drive in the front seat, chatting eagerly with Happy about how much they both liked green peppers on pizza.  Truth be told, it was a pretty normal conversation for them, whether Tony was six or forty-eight.

"YEAH HUH!" Pepper (wisely) retorted back.

"NO WAY JOSÉ!" Tony immediately came back, his little hands fisted at his hips.

"SHUT YOUR ADORABLE FACE!" Pepper wrinkled her nose at him.

"YOU SHUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL MOUTH!" Tony yelled.

"Tony!" Steve warned from just outside of the car.

"Sorry Dad," Tony sighed.  He then glared hotly at Pepper and demanded just a tad bit more demurely, "Shut your beautiful mouth, please ."

"I love you Bucky, I do," Darcy said softly as she finally stepped back enough to let the little boy breathe.  She swept her hands under her eyes to wipe off some of the happy and relieved tears that had fallen.  She gave him a sad smile, which Bucky knew she used when she had to bring out the discipline on any of the kids.  "But you guys were really naughty.  And I don't like that you lied to us."

"But it was for a good reason that I can't say cause it's a fun secret," Bucky promised her earnestly.  "And we was safe, Ma, I promise.  Nobody coulda gotten us.  I swear."

"How can you be so sure, honey?" Darcy sighed.  "There are so many mean people out there that want to steal you and try to do bad things to you."

"But we was safe," Bucky insisted emphatically.

"They really were, if it was any consolation."

Darcy stood up quickly and turned to the sound of the new voice.  Steve recognized the voice, but he couldn't help the protective step he took in front of Darcy and Bucky while simultaneously shifting Natasha away from the newcomer.  

Clint Barton stood on the sidewalk, fresh faced and smiling.  A few feet behind him were the assembled Barton family, Laura pushing a stroller with Nathaniel, two pre-teens standing next to her looking energetic and ready to go.

"What the hell, Barton?" Steve demanded.

"I got a tracker on Helen," Clint admitted.  

"WHAT?!? RUDE!" Helen yelled from the car.  "That's against my personal liver teas!"

"Just a failsafe," Clint shrugged.  "When I saw it leaving base earlier, I got in the quinjet to follow.  Brought the fam, too, Laura's been begging to get to a real city."

"I love that it smells like HUMAN poop instead of cow poop," Laura shrugged, her pretty mouth twisted into a smirk.

"Been on the tiny terror twins tail since they left the tower, they were fine," Clint promised.  

"Still, they didn't KNOW that," Steve hedged.

"Yes I did, Pop!" Bucky insisted.  "I could hear his foot, cause he limps a little."

"Cause I kicked him," Laura shrugged.  "Three days after we met, he spooked me, so I broke his leg."

"SO COOL!" Natasha crowed excitedly.

"What were they doing?" Darcy demanded of Clint shrewdly.

"Can't tell.  Assassin code," Clint shrugged.  He gave that slow grin that had never failed to charm Darcy just a little bit, ever since New Mexico when he had handed her back her ipod.  "But it was worth it."

"Please toys, please?" Helen whined from the car.  

Agent Sanchez approached with a cellphone in his hand.  He gave a quick nod to Steve and Darcy, indicating that the store was clear.  He then walked towards the limo and handed the phone into the window to Helen.

"Call for you, Doctor Cho," he said pleasantly enough.

"REALLY?" Helen beamed up at him before eagerly taking the phone from him.  "Hello?!?  THIS IS HELEN CHO---DOCTOR HELEN CHO!  Hi! Who am I speaking to?"

Helen's eyes went round and everyone could hear a very elevated voice on the other end.

"Hi boyfriend!" Helen tried for her normal enthusiasm, but found that with Sam's very stern scolding it was near impossible.  "I'm sorry, boyfriend! I didn't mean to make you worried and sad and ---don't cry!"

Helen began crying quickly, like a small explosion of mini-tears as she continue to sob sorries into the phone.  Natasha tensed in Steve's arms, and Steve huffed out a sigh, blowing red curls away from  her face.

"Don't even THINK about it, Nats," Steve warned, knowing she was already plotting out revenge on Sam for making Helen cry.  "Sam has every right to be upset.  You guys gave him hell on base, and then he had to worry about whether Helen was safe or not.  He gets to be upset."

"Nats gets to pants him," Natasha shrugged.

"Nope," Steve smiled.  

Tony grabbed the phone from Helen as she could do little more than sob out apologies.  He wrinkled his nose before announcing, "HEY. FLY BOY!  Stop making my sister cry or I'm gonna blast your face in."

"Tony nooooooooo!" Helen cried.

"Stop threatening violence against people," Pepper put in, rolling her eyes.  

"Stop being gorgeous!" Tony petulantly threw back.  "You're so pretty it makes my eyeballs hurt, so QUIT it!"

Darcy gripped Bucky's left hand in hers and sighed as Pepper and Tony bickered, Helen sobbed, Natasha began to actively struggle against Steve's hold on her, and the Barton kids themselves were starting to show signs of rebellion, probably due to the fact that they saw her own four kids going absolutely bonkers.  Suddenly Scott and all three Wombats managed to cram themselves out of the limo sunroof, sloppy drunk grins on their faces.

"I want Barbara dolls!" Kurt called out.  "All of the black haired ones!"

"Okay, let's do this.  We're nuts, and they totally don't deserve toys, but I can't help it, let's just, let's do this," Darcy looked to Steve with a small smile, a lot of her anxiety and worry having left her.  Steve held out a hand to her, grabbing her free one.  She smiled up at him gratefully and could not physically stop the next words from leaving her mouth.  "I love you, Steve."

Bucky's eyes went wide and Natasha let out a squeaking sound.  Scott and the three Wombats all went silent as they stared from their hole in the top of the limo.  Pepper and Tony stopped bickering inside of the limo and looked to Darcy and Steve.  Helen stopped her crying and a small smile pulled at her lips as she pulled the phone out of Tony' slack hands and whispered into the phone.

"Boyfriend...it's happening ."

Steve wrapped his arm around Darcy's shoulders, pulling her in close.  He bent his head and gave her a soft, chaste kiss against the smile on her mouth.  Natasha grinned down at Bucky and gave her signature little squirmy dance as she tried to contain the happy sounds threatening to pull her parents' attention away from their current endeavor.

Steve's smile broke the kiss and he let out a happy little sigh as he stared down at her with such a warm, gentle happiness that he thought he must be glowing, "I love you, too, Darcy."

Tony grabbed Helen's hand and raced out of the limo with her as they charged towards Darcy and Steve.  Bucky gave Helen a little boost and she clung her arms around Steve's neck.  Tony gave Bucky a high five, then each boy wrapped their arms around their mother's hips.  

"Best...daaaaaaay....EVEEEEEEEER!" Helen sing songed happily.  

Chapter Text

Chapter 18: Retail Therapy

"Look, Nats!  Look, you can be a princess!"

Lila Barton was a bright, lovely child.  She really was.  When Natasha was older, she truly loved the child to bits.  She also was always attempting to recreate the child in her image, but that was just a natural inclination to pass on all the good and keep the bad.  

Little Nats had little to no patience for the well-meaning ten year old, who could not separate the fact that the tiny, adorable red curled murder moppet was in fact her hyper competent super Aunt.  Lila had only seen a cute child and decided to make a new toy out of her, her own little beautiful doll.  

Nats was having none of it.  

And she certainly wasn't having any of the numerous princess costumes that Lila was helpfully displaying for her.  

"You're gonna be SOOO cute!" Lila promised, pulling a feathery pink tiara off the shelf and putting it on Natasha's head.

Lila was incredibly lucky that Bucky had not dropped Natasha’s hand the entire time they were in the large toy store.  Because if he had not been holding onto her, and had not let his metal thumb stroke along her wrist, Nats might just have ripped the tiara off her head and attempted to cram it down Lila's throat.

"Lila not smart on today," Natasha wrinkled her nose at Lila.  "Nats smack her to be smart."

"Maybe not the pink so much," Bucky offered helpfully, as Lila's eyes widened as she stared down at the younger children.  "Nats doesn't like that it doesn't match her hair so good."

"Purple?" Lila offered helpfully, pulling down another tiara, and this time, having the good grace not to just dry and pop it on Natasha's head.  She may be carried away with having a new little living doll, but she was still smart enough to know not to poke an angry little bear.

"YUCKY!" Natasha said under her breath.  

"Nats, be nice," Steve warned her as he knelt a few feet away, his arms loaded with costumes as Helen kept bringing back each one that remotely struck her fancy.

"This is LAME!" Tony called out.

"Tony, we spent a half hour in the section of the store you wanted to, now it's Helen's turn," Darcy reminded him.

"NO, Mom, this, THIS is lame!" Tony ran up to her and held up an Iron Man costume.  "The math-ear-eel-all is like your fancy red nightgown you had sent to you two weeks ago, and then you put us all to bed early and---"

"Alright pal, okay," Steve cut him off, blushing and sparing a glance to the surrounding adults.  

Pepper was throwing a wink towards Darcy.  Agent Sanchez had the ghost of a smile on his face at the main entrance to the costume section, which was commendable, because Happy was standing next to him, snorting with barely restrained laughter.  Kurt, Scott and Dave had gone a little slack in the mouth area as the mental images clearly assaulted them.  Luis, who had been burying his face in the fluffy feather boa wall, emerged quickly, still a little drunk from the earlier foray into Stark's bar.  

"What now kiddo?  Red, like shiny red?  Or like sort of a matte material?  And then how long?  Just gesture on your thigh real quick.  And really important, because, you know, of reasons...was there lace?" Luis said very quickly, looking down at Tony appraisingly.

"Nats gonna hit him in the stuff," Natasha announced to Bucky before disengaging from his hand and rushing off.

"Boundaries dude," Dave reminded Luis.

"She's so hot though," Luis whined.  He knew he shouldn’t have asked what he did though, because Steve was glaring at him with a frightening mixture of anger and disappointment.  So Luis took the retribution standing still, allowing Natasha to pick up a nearby, tiny rolling pin and whack him in the groin with it.  He fell to his knees and made garbled wincing noises.

Natasha looked down at the rolling pin and nodded at her improvised weapon, before skipping off towards her mother and placing it in the basket.  

"Kid," Clint called out.  Two little voices answered back with a yeah ?, while little Nathaniel made a sleepy squawking sound.  "No, not my kids.  Nats, c'mere."

"That can't be good," Laura said surreptitiously to Darcy as she pushed a drowsy Nathaniel in his stroller.  

"Well, it could always be worse?" Darcy shrugged, going back to taking things that Bucky wanted out of his hands, mostly various silly and elaborate hats that would no doubt be used to make Natasha and Helen laugh at some point in the near future.  “Just kind of going with the flow here, Mrs. B.  As long as they’re all in one piece and within eyesight of either me or Steve, I’m gonna call it a win.”

“My Ma is so smart,” Bucky grinned up at her before handing her a Viking helmet with yellow braids attached to it.  Darcy ruffled his hair and grinned down at him and the boy just bloomed under the affection, looking happier than any other little six year old to have ever existed.

"You're gonna do just fine as an Avenger's SO," Laura said in soft tone as she shook her head in amusement.

"Yeah," Darcy whispered.   It was Darcy's turn to blush then, looking down at the ground, but feeling the sudden weight of Steve's stare from across the room.  They might have just exchanged ' I love you's ', but having four kids under the age of seven didn't really mean that they could sit down and figure things out or talk about it.  And that was kind of the way everything had been going in the last few months since they became parents.  It was a whirlwind, and Darcy's usual over analyzing regarding relationships wasn't happening this time, and Steve didn't have a chance to be an awkward emotional duck because everything was just happening so fast, that every time they blinked, something else had happened.  

It was better to just roll with it and enjoy the good stuff as much as they could.  And all of the little quiet relationship milestones, holding hands, kissing, going to the bathroom in front of each other, and even pulling out a red nightie and giving the kids an early bedtime were all some of the good stuff.  Darcy and Steve both knew that the were exclusively dating, and that they were both happier than they’d ever been and that they wanted to be together for a very long amount of time, forever if they could manage it.  

And that was enough for now.  The rest of the big stuff could either be figured out later or dealt with as it happened.

Darcy blinked and brought her gaze back up from the ground, tossing Steve a wink and pursing her lips in a quick kissing gesture.  Before she knew it, Natasha was back, with Clint in tow, and he had at least thirty-five different dress up costumes.

"Nats needs dis," she said resolutely, watching as Clint dumped the costumes into the rolling shopping basket that kept getting filled and replaced by the store manager with a new empty one.  

"Nats, why do you need so many?" Darcy furrowed her brow at the random selection of costumes.  "You don't even like Bob the Builder, why do you need a construction worker outfit like his?"

"Under a covers," Natasha nodded brusquely, before turning and racing back to the shelves, keen on finding all the outfits for Bucky this time.  

"She'd be good in the field," Clint said seriously.

"You asshole ," Darcy reached out quickly and gripped Clint's ear in her hand.  "You do know that now she's going to want to go out with you and Bucky in the field, right?"

"Dumbass," Laura snorted.

"You are PERSONALLY responsible for coming up with something believable for them now," Darcy whispered harshly.

"Well...shit."

Helen emerged with all the feather boas wrapped around her and pointed at Clint joyously, "JAR!"

"Sanchez thinks we should spend the night," Steve told Darcy as they went to the last floor of the toy store.

The kids were moving faster now, intent on getting some kind of dinner (or in Natasha's case, candy).  Their energy was finally flagging after their very long day, and Steve actually managed to walk along with Darcy, his hand engulfing hers as they doggedly followed all of the kids.  

"Avengers Tower is pretty safe," Darcy nodded.

"Yes, it is," Steve agreed.  A small, secretive smile tilted his lips upwards just a bit.  "And do you know what else Avengers Towers is?"

"Environmentally conscious?" Darcy ventured.

"Grown up Tony soundproofed the rooms," Steve said with no small amount of slyness.  He squeezed her hand and looked down at her with half lidded eyes.  "Cause I said I love you, Darcy, and I meant it.  But I'm sort of fixing on showing you."

"Dude.  Ditto," Darcy breathed.  She yanked on his hand just a little, but Steve easily followed her unspoken instruction and bent forward to place a surprisingly chaste kiss against her lips.

"THIS IS HORSE DOODIE!" Tony called out.

"What is your malfunction, child?" Pepper demanded.  "You wanted to come to the robots.  Here are the robots!"

"THEY'RE POOP!" Tony stamped his feet.  "And I told you, woman, you can't call me CHILD like that with your dumb gorgeous mouth!"

"When you act like an infuriatingly adorable child, I will call you whatever I want, CHILD!" Pepper fired back.  She gestured to the toy robots around her, "ROBOTS, BUY THEM, CHILD! "

"YOU PERFECT JERK!" Tony screamed.  "My robots are better and you know it!"

"Tony," Steve warned, placing another quick kiss on Darcy's lips and squeezing her hand again.  "Time to go, I think."

"Nats wants chicken tenders for James," Natasha announced to Darcy as she appeared out of nowhere alongside of her mother.  She smiled up at her winningly and calmly stated like it was a fact, "And Nats wants ice cream for Nats."

"If you eat a chicken tender and some broccoli, you can have all the ice cream you want," Darcy bargained.

"Broccoli ice cream?" Natasha wondered hopefully.

"I doubt such a thing exists," Darcy rolled her eyes fondly.

"That's not true!" Cooper Barton called out helpfully, every inch a know-it-all twelve year old.  "New York City has everything."

"Zip it, man," Laura advised.

Pepper stopped arguing with Tony long enough to whip out her phone and make a quick text message to an assistant, asking politely that broccoli ice cream be delivered along with the rest of the surprise dessert bar she had ordered for the kids, including the petulant little adorable asshole currently sticking his tongue out at her.  Her feelings for little Tony aside, Pepper was definitely enamored with this version of Natasha, and would happily spoil her recklessly.

"THIS IS HORSE DOODIE!" Helen shouted out from a different aisle.

Natasha blinked up at her mother before holding up a chubby index finger.  The little girl didn't know if her sister, Helen was in danger, but she certainly sounded upset.  And Natasha took her duties as a sister seriously.  If Helen was in danger, she had to be protected.  And if Helen was upset, it was her responsibility to hurt whoever had upset her.  The two year old easily scaled a shelf and then jumped down into the aisle, just as Steve had run over as well, looking down at Helen in worry.

"Doctor's kit my BOOTY!" Helen wrinkled her nose, holding up an inferior mad scientist kit where you could grow your own sea monkeys.  "Daddy, daddy, I REALLY need to have access to my cradle, cause I promise I can grow way betterer life forms."

Thankfully, the children were tired enough to not want to go out for dinner, as even Pepper Potts might not be able to get a Manhattan family restaurant closed down for them for the evening.  Instead, takeout from at least five different restaurants was ordered and set up buffet style in the common room that had long been unused.  Even the broccoli ice cream was waiting to tempt Natasha after she managed to eat one whole chicken tender and one little branch of regular broccoli.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy," Helen chanted, dancing in front of her mother in excitement as she stood next to Lila Barton.  

"Yes, baby, what?" Darcy questioned as she helped to set up the sundae bar, trying to get the lid off of the jar of marachino cherries.  Bucky walked up to her and took the jar from her, using his metal hand to open it easily.  Darcy bent down and placed a big smacking kiss on his little mouth in thanks, and Bucky fairly beamed his happiness back at her.

"Can we PLEEEEEEEEASE have a dress up tea party tomorrows?  Please oh please, oh please?" Helen nearly whined.  "Even Tony said he'd dress nice and use manners and everything, and Cooper said that New York City had the best food, and we can get tea sammiches and tiny tacos and tiny burgers and it'll be SO CUTE! Please Mommy, Please?"

"Let me talk to your Daddy, and we'll see if we can figure out the logistics of it all," Darcy smiled down at her.

"And I invited my boyfriend already," Helen held up the pad the kids had been using to control everything.  "And everyone has to dress super fancy, so that means you and Daddy hafta go tomorrow morning and get fancy clothes with Aunt Pepper and Aunt Laura, and then we'll go to the fanciest room in all of New York City and then have tea and cake and fancy little tiny food!  Please oh please, Mommy, please?"

Darcy looked up to Steve, who was still at the dinner buffet with Tony and Clint, putting away a whole lot of food, and gave a shrug of her shoulders.  He nodded at her before pulling out his own phone, intent on getting Sanchez and his team on it as quick as he could.

"Alright, Daddy said yes," Darcy grinned.

"How did you know?" Lila blinked up at her.  "You and Uncle America have a secret code like Mommy and Daddy do?"

"I told you to stop getting your kids to call me that," Steve complained to Clint.

"S'cute," Clint shrugged.  

"Sort of," Darcy answered Lila's original question.  "Okay, ice cream is ready, and then baths and then bed."

"BUT IT'S ONLY EIGHT FIFTEEN!" Tony yelled out in annoyance.

"You'll go to bed when your mother tells you to go to bed, you little smooshy faced troll!" Pepper snapped at him.

"I'm SICK OF HEARING YOU TALK OUTTA THAT DUMB PRETTY MOUTH!" Tony yelled.  Steve jammed in one last chicken finger into Tony's wide open mouth before picking the boy up and off of his feet and hauling him over to the dessert table.  

Steve popped Tony on his feet in front of the ice cream and was at least happy to see that he contented himself with building a giant sundae.  Steve managed to snag an arm around Darcy's waist and haul her in close, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

He felt little eyes staring at him, and realized it was Bucky and Natasha both, staring up at him with two different expressions that still bespoke their happiness for him.  Natasha was always squirmy and blushing and cute whenever Darcy or Steve showed affection for each other.  But Bucky was usually stoic.  This time, he stared up at his parents with an unrestrained grin on his face.

"See something you like, pal?" Steve wondered.

"Yeah.  You guys are gonna be so happy," Bucky promised, taking a small little breath of contentment in.  Natasha put a chubby hand on his right wrist and squeezed, a little physical reminder to keep his trap shut and not let his sappy emotions spoil the big secret.  Bucky nodded at her and turned his hand, gripping his hand as the both looked up at the parents that were so well loved by both of them.    "Just like a story.  Happily ever after."

“Until Uncle Luis sweeps Mami off her feet and is totally cool with Papi coming along for the ride,” Luis muttered from behind the dessert bar.

Natasha heaved a sigh that was older than her current body and shook her head in disapproval.  She looked up at Darcy with an easy smile and asked sweetly, “Mommy, where is Nats new weapons?  Nats needs to bash him again and again.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Nineteen:  Perfect Party Preparation

"Mommy, mommy, mommy.   MOMMY . Mommy stop talking to your friends and talk to me, talk to ME.   MOMMY. "

Darcy gave Pepper and Laura a hapless smile.  Pepper shrugged in response, not really getting it, but Helen's continued chanting didn't have the same disastrous effect on her calm, cool demeanor as anything tiny Tony did.  Laura understood though and smiled understandingly as all three women stopped looking through the racks and racks of dresses that Pepper's army of assistants had delivered to a conference room on floor sixty-three of Stark Tower.  

Helen was bouncing on the balls of her feet, with Natasha right behind her.  Both girls’ faces were flushed with excitement.  Helen was mostly keeping it together, but Natasha was unable to speak since she had woken up that morning.  The toddler had burst into the room that Steve and Darcy had made the most of the night before, jumping on the bed, making adorable and unintelligible noises as she squirmed and danced and held her hand over her eyes as Steve reached and grabbed for happily discarded underwear from the night before and then handed Darcy his discarded shirt as well.

Natasha had been unable to communicate most of the day, aside from CUTE, SO CUTE, CUTE CUTE CUTE , and everyone's personal favorite, KISS MY MOMMY RIGHT NOW !  Her euphoria had not even ended when Bucky and she had parted ways for one of the first times since the start of their second childhood.  She'd smacked a sloppy kiss on Bucky's cheek and waved him off to the other conference room one floor down, that had elegant suits waiting for the boys.  

Darcy had just figured she was super excited about a fancy tea party.  It made sense.  One of her favorite things to do with Bucky was setting up all his dolls for what Tony called ‘murder tea’, where all the dolls were served tea and small weapons, then battled to the death after the sophisticated imaginary tea service that Bucky put together.  

"Yes, baby?" Darcy smiled patiently down at her adopted daughter.  

"This one, try this one, please?" Helen gripped the hem of a lovely white dress.  "It's so nice and then me and Nats can wear the ones we wanna wear so we're samsies!"

"Okay, okay, this one," Darcy pulled out the knee length dress with the voluminous a-line skirt and bateau neck lace top.  It was absolutely lovely.  And familiar.  She may have created a pinterest board a long time ago when the site had first begun with the title of ‘ perhaps, perhaps, perhaps ’, and it might have had a lot of dresses that looked similar to the one she held in her hands now.  "You girls don't think this is too fancy for a tea party?"

"MOMMY!" Helen shouted, absolutely one hundred percent dramatically scandalized.  "This is the fanciest tea party we've ever, ever had!"

Natasha squirmed with delight and put chubby hands to flushed cheeks and could only say, "Mommy so cute!"

"Okay, alright, I'll go try it on," Darcy promised.  She smiled at Laura and Pepper and said, "Thanks for all this, I know that I'm spoiling them rotten, but---I mean, really---"

"Darce, kiddo, we all know that if anyone on this planet deserves a happy second childhood it's that overly exuberant little red headed pain princess," Laura shook her head.  "We can't know how long this is going to last, really, so go ahead and let them have their fun now."

"Yeah, Tony's childhood, from what he's told me was...just crap," Pepper nodded in agreement.  "And it's not like over indulging him now isn't going to make him a worse human being as a grownup. I hope."

Helen wasted no time as Darcy ducked behind the privacy screens that the assistants had also set up.  She reached into the racks of dresses and yanked two specific outfits forward.  Mint green.  Extra large ruffles to make it look like the dress was made out of big flowers, essentially.  And satin.  So much satin.  She gave an almost evil smile up to Pepper and Laura.

"These are yours."

"Oh Christ almighty," Pepper wrinkled her nose.  The sound of thunder could be heard outside, even though it was a very beautiful autumn day, sunny with just the hint of a cool breeze.  She looked at Helen appraisingly.  "What are you little monsters doing?"

"RUDE!" Helen wagged her finger.  "It's just a tea party.  Don't be so suck spish ass."

"This is awful fancy for a tea party, buddy," Steve blinked as the small old man quickly worked at hemming Steve's pants appropriately.  

Tony, who was already dressed in his pre-tailored three piece dark gray suit with the little mint-green tie and pocket square, blinked up at his surrogate father in confusion.

"What do you wear to tea, you heathen?" Tony demanded with exaggerated astonishment.

"I like it," Bucky announced as he preened and fussed over his little suit in the large mirror that Pepper's army of assistants had moved into their room.  He hadn't dressed so fancy in a long time.  He was glad that Tony had decided that Steve and Bucky shouldn't wear their military dress uniforms.  This fine suit was way better than his complicated dress uniform, and it would have taken so many sessions with the tailor to get a tiny dress uniform made up.  

They'd only been able to get away from their parents for a half hour on base to get their suits and dresses fitted right.

They'd relied on Friday to get measurements off of their parents.  Steve's pants just needed to be hemmed a little, and Sergio would be able to get that done lickety split.  Bucky hoped that his ma's dress would fit like a dream.  He couldn't wait to see her in it.  He was absolutely sure she looked like an angel come down to Earth to bring him and the rest of the kids love and happiness.

"All done," Sergio announced.  "Pants off, sir, I'll have them ready for you in no time."

Steve nodded dumbly and pulled his pants off carefully, mindful of the pins before handing them to Sergio.  Clint walked in and let out a wolf whistle.  He, Cooper and Nathaniel were already dressed in suits that were a little similar to Tony and Bucky's, but instead of mint green, the ties were lovely ivory that matched the shirts underneath.

"We're gonna head out to the tea party to get things settled," Clint winked at Tony.  "But heads up, incoming."

"Who?" Steve blinked.  

Sam walked into the conference room, followed by Thor.

"POINTY BREAK!  YOU MADE IT!" Tony exclaimed with glee.  "I didn't think Heinydale would hear the message."

"Ma's gonna be so happy," Bucky beamed a grin, knowing that if Thor was here, then Jane had also returned.

"You broadcast the invitation across seven realms," Thor said calmly.  

"You guys have suits for us?" Sam was perplexed.  He'd arrived by quinjet with Maria, Vision and Wanda, in New York City and Clint had been waiting, dressed to the nines and explaining the kids wanted a fancy tea party.  And Sam was more than a little upset with what the kids had gotten up to in less than thirty-six hours, but far be it from him to deny Helen any joy.  He was physically incapable of doing it.

And he knew he wasn't the only one, seeing as Steve was standing in the middle of the conference room with no pants on because of something the kids wanted.

"Is my lightning sister well, Steven?" Thor demanded, the question hanging heavily in the air.

"Yeah, of course, she's great," Steve smiled a little dreamily.  He shook himself out of the reverie and looked at Thor curiously, "What are you guys doing here?  Did you find a remedy to get the kids...not kids anymore?"

Steve held his breath, waiting for Thor's response.  He felt the tension in his gut and he knew in that moment that he didn't want Thor to say yes .  He didn't want to lose the little family.  He didn't want to lose Natasha and her fierce adorable nature and exuberance and cuddles.  He didn't want to lose Tony, and the trust they had built between them in this new father/son relationship, and more importantly he didn't want the boy to lose the innocence and joy he felt now.  He didn't want to lose the way Helen bossed everyone around them with no attempt at adult politeness, or the way she always wanted exactly five kisses from him and Darcy each before bedtime, or the way she would curl up against Darcy whenever they read books together.  

And Bucky, he didn't want Bucky to have to go back to what he had been before.  Tense and hard and full of hidden pain.  He wanted to hold on to the little boy who marveled at getting every toy, every cuddle and kiss and every kind word.  He wanted to give Bucky all of the things he needed to grow up happy and safe and loved.

"No, there are no answers," Thor shook his head.  "Jane has exhausted the entire Asgardian research staff, and they have no answers, only more questions."

"Oh," Steve took a breath of relief, and gave a scowling Sam a sympathetic smile.  He knew that he was being selfish, and that Sam deserved to have his girlfriend back.  Steve felt terrible in that moment and resolved himself to finding the strength to accept giving up his and Darcy's kids so they could continue their own lives.

"Sergio!" Thor boomed as the man handed the completely hemmed pants back to a stunned Steve.  "I trust you received my gift for Lady Darcy."

"Oh, yes," Sergio nodded and went to go and get Thor's bespoke suit.  "My sister Anna did the tailoring on her dress, she said it was wondrous to work with."

"Excellent," Thor grinned.  He looked at the suit Sergio had presented him and nodded.  "I like the color of this tie.  Shall my Jane be dressed in a similar color?"

"Oh yeah, the girls have real fancy dresses," Tony promised him.  "Helen and Nats drew the pictures and Sergio and Anna went NUTS."

"We really wanted horsies," Helen sighed.  "And the Cinderella pumpkin carriage."

"Horsies," Natasha lamented, the only sad spot in her day so far.

"But Sanchez said no, cause it's too risky," Helen lamented.

"This is a very nice car," Laura promised as her daughter helped adjust the ruffles unflatteringly wrapped around Laura's bottom as she sat down in the limousine.  Darcy was quick to follow, looking absolutely flawless and beautiful in her dress that was nearly mirrored on Helen and Natasha.  The little girls had little mint green sashes tied up in a big bow at their backs.  

Laura hadn't been surprised when the army of hairdressers had arrived, setting everyone's hair in curls and understated updos.  Makeup had been delivered as well, seemingly one of each of everything Sephora had, and Natasha had been the one to restrain Helen as the little girl dove for the brightly colored eyeshadows.  Lila, Natasha and Helen all wore glossy, natural pink lip gloss only.  But Laura's keen mother's eye had witnessed Helen taking all the brightly colored makeup palettes and putting them aside in her little doctor's bag for future makeovers.

Jane had arrived an hour prior, and had immediately been handed a dress that matched Laura and Pepper's.  Darcy had quietly asked Jane if she'd made any progress on aging the children, and Laura could see that Darcy really was conflicted about whatever answer Jane had given.  Whatever the quiet answer had been, Darcy had been quietly pleased, a happy little smile pulling at her lips.

"Seriously?  SO MANY RUFFLES!" Jane complained as she pulled on the satiny fabric.  "You kids are adorable and whatever, but your taste in dresses is shit."

"OY!" Helen pointed at Jane accusingly.

Laura could understand what Jane was feeling.  She felt like a dowdy bridesmaid at the moment.  And ever since she'd seen the completed picture of she, Jane and Pepper standing side by side in their matching dresses, she'd been carefully watching Helen and Natasha, wondering what those two little scheming girls had up their sleeves.

They arrived at the Plaza Hotel on Fifth Avenue in no time and now both Laura and Pepper were staring at Helen and Natasha curiously.  They had little time to question as they were whisked by Sanchez and the security team into the venue and taken to the grand ballroom.

Darcy took in a deep gasping breath at the beauty of it.  There were beautiful lights everywhere in the opulent room and the air was heavy with the scent of gardenias coming from any of the gigantic floral arrangements strewn about the room.  There were tables of food set up in the entry room that had been curtained off with voluminous white curtains at the entrance of the ballroom, and Natasha wiggled with glee before taking off for the chocolate fountain.  

"Don't get anything on your dress!" Darcy managed to warn as she went to chase after the baby.

Luckily, Bucky intervened as Natasha dove for the marshmallows on sticks, obviously keen to dip them into the chocolate.  Darcy marveled as the little man, in his handsome suit reached his metal hand to carefully dip a marshmallow under the fountain and turn it gently to shake off the excess chocolate.  He handed it to Natasha with a gentle smile and then kissed the top of her red curls when she immediately devoured it.  

"You look so handsome," Darcy marveled as she stared down at him.

Bucky took a little breath, preparing himself before looking up to see his beloved, beautiful mother.  He knew she would be gorgeous and pretty and perfect, in her pretty white dress, but seeing her standing there, looking down at him with her hair done up in curls that reminded him of something from a long time ago, her lips a cherry red, and her blue eyes so full of warmth and love and happiness...Bucky began to tear up.

"Oh, sweetie, what's wrong?" Darcy asked in concern, dropping to her knees and putting her hands on Bucky's shoulders.  Natasha leaned her head against Bucky's metal bicep.  Darcy wiped at the tears leaking out of Bucky's eyes anxiously, looking around for a napkin or tissue.

"S'okay, Mommy," Natasha promised.  "James just so happy cause Mommy so pretty."

"Yeah," Bucky nodded, reaching into the little breast pocket of his jacket and pulling out a fancy ivory handkerchief with his initials embroidered on it in mint green.  He smiled when Darcy took the hankie from him and gently wiped away his tears.  "You look so beautiful, Ma."

"Thank you, baby," Darcy smiled at him.  "You look very handsome, yourself."

"Thanks!" Bucky grinned in response, before taking the next little treat Natasha had handed him on a stick, this time a little heart shaped rice krispie treat, and dipped it carefully in the chocolate fountain.  "Ma, do you want one?"

"Yes, please," Darcy nodded.  "I'm kind of hungry, we were so busy getting ready for our fancy tea party that I didn't get to eat anything."

"Oh no!" Helen furrowed her brow with sudden worry.  "Mommy needs a treat afore she gets fainted from hungries!"

Darcy laughed as three of her kids went into action and suddenly they each had treats in their hands, pushed into her face.  Natasha had somehow managed to get a skewer full of gummy bears in one hand, and a king sized snickers bar on a stick.  Helen had a plate of a deconstructed miniature burger, bun and burger and cheese all not touching in one hand, and a little paper carton of popcorn in the other.  Bucky had a plate with an actual tea sandwich and in the other a plate with a tiny waffle and equally tiny little piece of fried chicken.

"Is that---is that miniature chicken and waffles?" Darcy laughed, taking it and biting into it.  It was delicious.  "Oh, I should have tried to make these after I pinned them all those years ago.  Totally yummy."

"Me and Tony ate fifteen of 'em each!" Bucky told her proudly.  "They are super yummy, Ma."

"Where is my Tony?" Darcy looked around curiously.

"He's getting the---uhm...the game ready," Helen said as quickly as she dared.

"We're having a tea party game?" Darcy looked confused.

"Less play pretend!" Natasha demanded.

"Okay, sure," Darcy nodded, reaching for the king sized snickers skewer and placing it back on the table before Natasha could bite into it.  She let the toddler keep the gummy bears, and made a mental note to try and get the skewer back from her later, knowing that Natasha could never turn down free weapons.  "What are we pretending?  Because we don't need to pretend to be at a fancy tea party.  This is the fanciest tea party that we've ever had...wait a minute---"

Darcy paused as she looked around curiously.  Bucky, Natasha and Helen all gave an involuntary squirm.

"You guys aren't going to do that thing you do at the end of tea parties we have at home, are you?" Darcy looked down at them sternly.  "Because I know Tony made Friday the Explorer give him unlimited money forever, but we can't destroy the Plaza.  We just can't."

"No, no, Ma, we won't do battle royale after tea," Bucky promised.  He looked at Natasha expectantly.  "Nats?”

"NO, no fun fights," Natasha sighed.

"Okay, then what are we pretending?" Darcy wondered as they walked further into the ballroom, attendants parting the curtains dramatically to the larger part of the room.

She stopped in her tracks when she saw what was set up.  A small scattering  of guests were seated in very fancy seats that were divided to make a small aisle.  An aisle that was made out of a white material and scattered with deep red rose petals and lit with beautiful, fat candles.  At the end of the aisle stood Steve, looking confused, and Tony, who was beaming and teary eyed and waving frantically at his mother.  Standing beside Steve was Sam and Thor, with a space for Bucky right beside Steve.  They were all wearing matching suits, with matching mint green ties.  

Jane, Pepper and Laura walked up to the front and were directed by Clint to stand waiting on the other side of the aisle.  Wanda, Vision, Maria and Nick were all seated, but stood as a lovely piano version of a pop song began playing.  

It was “I was Made for Loving You”.  Darcy recognized it, because Bucky and Steve had been dutifully listening one day while Helen and Tony played them popular songs they both had liked as grownups to get them up to speed.  Steve had really liked the song, and Darcy had agreed wholeheartedly. And it sort of became their song.

Steve looked perplexed up at the front of the aisle, but his face was still shining with happiness as he stared at Darcy, his mouth hanging open a bit.  Ever since he had gotten his pants on, Bucky and Tony had been pushing and shoving him around, getting him to the Plaza way before the girls got there.  They'd shoved appetizers at him, they'd allowed Thor to give him a sip of something very strong.  They'd made him wait in a little room away from the place where the 'tea party' was to take place.  And they'd drug him out five minutes ago, Tony and Bucky sternly telling him to stay put right where he was.  

And he'd done it, because the boys had been really nice about everything so far that day.  And Thor seemed to understand what was happening.  And Sam was just as confused as him, but didn't seem to feel anything was off.  And Agent Sanchez had assured him that everything was fine.

Even Maria Hill had come in, been seated on the right side of the aisle by Clint and Nathaniel, and had given Steve a smirk and a wink.

Nothing could be bad about what was happening.  Steve was sure of that.  It was just some sort of fun game for the kids, and it was harmless and there were pretty things all around and good food and good friends, so Steve happily played along.

And now Darcy was standing at the end of that aisle as their song played gently, and she looked like a literal angel in the candlelight.  And Bucky was holding her hand, and Natasha and Helen were standing in front of her, intricately adorned baskets full of rose petals suddenly in their hands.  And they all looked so beautiful.  And they were his family.  And Darcy was everything in that moment.  Smiling up at him with confusion, but still, a sense of calm and surety that despite the strangeness of it all, it was still just another fun step on the adventure they had started a few months ago.

"What are we pretending, again?" Steve whispered to Tony.

Tony grinned as he saw his beautiful, precious mother whispering something similar to Helen and Natasha.

"We're gonna pretend to have a wedding."

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty: What the World Needs Now

"Pretend wedding?" Darcy blinked down at Helen curiously, the little girl had her hand already in the basket, a huge clump of rose petals clasped in a tiny fist, just ready to be scattered joyously.  

"Uh huh," Helen smiled with just a hint of mischief sparkling in her eyes.  "Like how we married Mister Lionheart and Mister Ellyfun Trunks last week.  But now with FANCIER PANTS!"

On the other end of the aisle, Steve looked around suspiciously, wondering if a preacher were going to step out of the shadows and begin the ceremony.  He didn't think the kids were capable of pulling off a real wedding.  Probably.   His eyes darted to the guests and Maria Hill still wore that shit eating smirk and Steve immediately tried to go over all of the things that he and Darcy had signed for her in the last month or so.

"Who is going to be uhm...officiating the pretend wedding?" Steve murmured to Tony.

"ME DUH!" Tony shrugged impishly.  "I'm the best at pretend weddings.  Remember how fun the big gay stuffed animal wedding was?"

Darcy stared down at Helen, who wasn't cracking under the pressure of her disseminating mom expression.  She looked to Natasha, who had dug out a Hershey's kiss from her basket, which had a lot of them mixed in along with the flower petals.  The little toddler carefully unwrapped the chocolate before shoving the whole thing in her mouth.   Then the cheeky little monkey gave her mother a chocolate filled smile before doing her specific squirmy dance that meant she was extra, super duper happy.

So finally, Darcy looked to Bucky.  Her little man, so good and honest and perfect.  He was beaming up at her with love and affection that made Darcy's heart want to burst with happiness.  He reached slightly up with his left hand and wrapped it in hers.

"I arm wrestled with Thor to get to walk you down the aisle, Ma," Bucky revealed proudly.  "We kinda cheated, cause Nats tickled him on his ticklish spot and Tony made a little bot to pinch Thor's butt, and Helen used some kind of powder that made Thor sneeze a lot.  But it was worth it to cheat, cause this is the best day ever. And will you please go marry my Pop now?  Cause it'll be so nice and you'll love each other forever and ever."

Darcy was powerless to resist that tiny little Bucky Barnes.  

And she found that when she truly considered it, she didn't really want to.

She looked back up at Steve, who had Tony wrapped up in a bear hug.

"I just want you to be so happy, Dad," Tony whispered.  "You and Mom made everything so much better for me now.  I feel happy all the time...and now I wanna make you happy."

"Tony, you didn't have to spend all this money," Steve scolded gently.

"Money don't matter.  It's not important, family and fun and happy times are important.  And you can only get pretend married once," Tony shook his head against Steve's chest. "I think."

Steve gave a smacking kiss against Tony's still rounded cheek before putting him back down on the little, fancy box the boy had been standing on.  He looked back up to Darcy and gave her a warm smile and a shrug.

She winked in response as she clasped hands with Bucky, their two little girls bouncing on the balls of their feet as they waited for the go ahead to walk down the aisle.  

Both Steve and Darcy knew there was a slight chance this wasn't pretend.  Steve in particular, thought that a real officiant might walk out at any minute to really marry them.  Darcy knew that Bucky would never lie to her, and he didn't say anything about this being pretend.  

But neither of them found that it mattered that much.  

"Will you marry me, Darcy?" Steve called out from the end of the aisle.  "Pretend or not?"

It was fast.  It was such a hasty thing.  They'd known each other, in total, for half a year and been parents together for half of that time.  If any other person had come to either of them and explained their exact situation, both Darcy and Steve would have advised that the people in question have their heads examined.

But now, in that moment, it was all either of them really wanted.

"Yes!" Darcy shouted back exuberantly.  "Pretend or not!"

Natasha and Helen began jumping up and down in joy, little feet stamping on the ground.  Bucky wrapped both arms around Darcy's waist and squeezed as hard as he dared.  The small contingent of guests and the wedding party erupted in shouts and cheers, with Clint letting out loud, long piercing whistles.

"Okay, buddy," Steve grinned at Tony.  "Let's do this."

Tony's smile threatened to split his whole face and he looked to his right, holding up his right index finger and spinning it in a quick circle.  Suddenly, Sanchez took a few steps towards Darcy, handing her a handheld bouquet of gardenias.  Whoever was aiding and abetting the children at the venue switched the music to the bridal march and adjusted the lighting so that the only thing everyone could see was Darcy walking down the aisle with her hand held tightly in Bucky's, preceded by Helen and Natasha.  

The little girls were giving it their all in emptying their baskets.  Natasha was very careful to avoid throwing the Hershey's kisses, except for one that she lobbed at Maria Hill's head, smacking the woman right on the nose.

At the end of the aisle, Helen was dismayed to see that she still had half a basket full of rose petals.  Never one to let a job go unfinished, she paused and turned the entire basket over, dumping them all in a little pile.  She then fished into the basket and picked out a few stragglers, flicking them off of her fingertips.  Sam's chuckle at her antics had her looking up, a big happy smile on her face.

"Hi Boyfriend! You look SO SO SO SO Handsome!" Helen waved her now empty basket before placing it on the ground by Tony's podium.

"Thanks," Sam chuckled, watching as the little girl rushed up to Steve and gave him a big hug around his knees.  

"Love you Daddy," she mumbled into his pants.  

"Love you too, Helen," Steve carefully patted her expertly curled hair.

Natasha carefully handed her basket full of Hershey's kisses to Jane before grabbing Bucky's free hand and Helen's with her other hand and delivering Darcy to Steve.

"Dearie Bee lovers," Tony began.  "Who brought my Mom here to hitch her wagon to this guy here?"

"We do," Bucky answered, taking Darcy's hand and bringing it to his mouth, placing a little kiss on the back of it before handing it to Steve.  He looked up at his best friend and smirked, "If you hurt my Ma, ever, punk, I know at least a hundred different ways to hurt you."

"Nats knows five million billions," Nats warned him, sounding very terrifying indeed.  She then broke quickly out of her intimidating mode as Steve took Darcy's hands.  The little girl rushed at her parents, climbing up Steve and initiating a three person hug.  "Nats love you so much!"

"Thank you, baby," Steve smiled, kissing Natasha's cheek in tandem with Darcy before letting her hop down and take her place right next to Jane and Helen in the position of Darcy's maid of honor.  

"Okiedokie, artichokey," Tony smacked his hands together in a small clap and then clasped them over his stomach.  He met Darcy's amused little smile with an enthusiastic wink and pursed his lips in a kissy face.  

Darcy laughed and couldn't help but to take a step from Steve and plant a big kiss right on Tony's puckered mouth.  The flash of a phone camera went off and Tony looked up, offended.  Pepper Potts shrugged at him and snapped another picture.

"HEY!  No flash photography, lady!" Tony scolded.  "We had the three Whomp Cats set up all the cameras, we'll send you a multimedia package when it's all done!"

Pepper smirked at Tony and took another picture of him.

"You and your dumb beautiful face," Tony muttered as Pepper finally put away her phone.  He took another kiss on the cheek from Darcy before the bride went back to her place with Steve.  Tony grinned at his pseudo parents and took a deep breath.  "Mom and Dad, also known as Darcy and Steve to everyone not lucky enough to call 'em Mom and Dad...you guys look so stupid when you're looking at each other like that."

"Tony!" Steve laughed, failing to sound scolding at all.

Tony shrugged, his eyes extra big and full of all the innocence he could muster.

"S'true.  And it's nice," Tony insisted.  "Cause nothin's better than Captain America looking like that.  All stupid and full of squishy love bugs."

"Squishy squishy," Natasha echoed. "SO CUTE!"

"Love's really important," Tony continued with his free form speech as he looked around his congregation of people gathered to witness the nuptials.  He smiled at Rhodey, who was seated next to Vision, smiling in wonder and disbelief up at his miniature friend.  "And we got lots of love, love from friends is great.  We got lots of that here.  And it's real important and it grows and grows and grows until you're family cause of friendship."

Happy, absolutely devastated with tears, was standing at the back of the aisle for the security advantage made a hiccuping sobbing sound before he blew his nose loudly.

"And we got love from real family.  You can't pick who your family is and if you can love 'em anyways then that's real special," Tony nodded, his gaze going to each of his siblings.  Helen who was beaming at him, proud and happy.   Natasha whose mouth was smeared with chocolate, a significant pile of Hershey kiss wrappers at her feet tried to wink at him but only managed to blink both of her eyes comically.  And Bucky, standing right behind Steve, giving Tony a real, heartfelt smile, his blue eyes shining with tears and pride as he watched Tony talk.   Tony could admit Bucky was his brother, and he might not have been happy about it at first, but he knew he was happy now.  "That's somethin' not all of us had before...and it's real important and it's real nice that we have it now.  And I don't know if we'll ever get big again, but if we do, I know that it'll never go away.  Not really.  Cause family is forever."

Tony looked up at Darcy and Steve, who only had eyes for each other at that point, then he stole a quick glance at Pepper, who was looking at him with a certain kind of sadness that made Tony all kinds of confused about what he had previously been so sure about.  He didn't want her to be sad.  

"And we got love that's a little different than those.  Just as important, but different, like snowflakes between special people who fit together," Tony looked away from Pepper reluctantly, and back to Darcy and Steve, who looked so amazingly happy, that it didn't seem fair.  "And sometime it takes the snowflakes a lot of time to build and grow and become strong.  And sometime, everything matches up so perfect, and so quick, that afore you know it, you got a big giant snowflake that's strong and beautiful."

Steve nodded at Darcy slightly and mouthed ' I love you '.  She beamed back at him, squeezing against his hands that held hers.  

"So now, my Mom and Dad have all three of those kinds of love," Tony continued with a euphoric grin.  "And we're all here today, cause it's perfect and right to get 'em nice and married.  So...does anybody got ab jack shins?"

Natasha turned her head, the skewer that Darcy had meant to take from her earlier appearing in a chubby fist.  She stared down every person who was witnessing the wedding in a very short amount of time.  

"Jesus, I think I just wet myself," Dave whispered from the back, where he and his cohorts were indeed, working on getting all of the pictures and video they could.

"Awesome!" Tony fist pumped with excitement.  "Let's do this. Rock and roll!"

He pulled out a neatly folded piece of construction paper, covered in crayon written scrawl that was nearly gibberish and bit at his bottom lip as he tried to read it.  It was hard because it was written by all four of the kids, and Nats couldn't actually write, so Tony ad-libbed as best as he could.

"Dad, please repeat after me," Tony said seriously.  "I, Steven Dad Rogers..."

"I, Steven Dad Rogers," Steve worked very hard at not laughing.

"Do slow lamb lee promise to love and cherish Darcy, aka, the best mommy ever, forever and ever.  And if I don't, Nats gets to bust me in the test or calls.  And I promise to make Mom happy.  And I promise to make her sgettis and meatballs.  And I promise to give cuddles whenever she wants.  And I promise to keep her safe and warm and never leave her, and if you do, you will get punished so bad, cause Hells said she can figure out how to keep your bones broke when Bucky and Nats break 'em."

Steve laughed and shook his head as Tony finished his very quick ramble.  He shrugged at Darcy helplessly and did his best to repeat what Tony had said, meaning every word of it.

"Close enough," Tony shrugged, before looking at Darcy with a gleeful little grin.  "Now, Mom, repeat after me, please and thank you."

"Good manners, Tony," Darcy praised him softly.

"Gold star for manners," Helen whispered excitedly.

"I, Darcy Mommy Lewis," Tony began.

"I, Darcy Mommy Lewis," Darcy repeated dutifully, then waited with an anticipatory little grin for Tony's rambling words.

"Do slow lamb lee promise to love and cherish Steve, aka the best Daddy ever, forever and ever.  And if I don't, then we will tickle you until you do again.  And I promise to make Daddy...and Nats, the special cookies with the chopped up candy bars in 'em whenever he deserves 'em.  And I promise to always keep being perfect and wonderful and give cuddles when Daddy needs some, but to make sure to give all her kids cuddles too when they need 'em and Daddy'll just have to wait and be patient until she's done.  And I promise to sometimes, but only when I want to, do that thing when the news is on at night after you put us to bed, that makes Daddy make his silly weird noises and go 'oh hell sweetheart '..."

"Okay, yes, I promise to do all of that," Darcy said quickly before Tony gave a little too much detail about faint noises the kids might have heard once or twice by accident.  She looked back at a red faced, but chuckling Steve and sighed contentedly.  "And I promise to spend every single moment we have together, giving it my everything.  And making sure that every day this love I have for you, this second greatest surprise of my life, second only to these beautiful kids, gets stronger."

"Yeah," Steve said softly.  "I promise that too.  I'm all in, sweetheart.  For everything and forever."

"Well that was off book," Tony grumbled pleasantly enough.  "I'm in charge now cause I'm the office shanty."

"Okay, carry on, buddy," Steve shook his head in fond amusement.

"Do we have the rings?" Tony looked to Bucky expectantly, who did pull a little ring box from his pocket and handed it up to Tony.  

Tony opened the box and Steve furrowed his brow as he immediately recognized the larger golden band and the smaller one with a little diamond in the center of it.  Steve looked to Natasha, whose cheeks were bulged with the amount of Hershey's kisses she'd crammed in.  Then he looked to Bucky, who was shuffling his feet with a little guilt.

"Those are my parents' rings," Steve said softly.  "They were in my safe..."

"Sorry, Pop," Bucky shrugged guiltily.

"Nats not sorry daddy!" Natasha called out around her mouthful of chocolate.  "So cute!"

"They're beautiful," Darcy squeezed at Steve's hands.  At least now they knew what Bucky and Natasha had been up to when they had wandered away the day prior.  

"Yeah," Steve nodded, dropping one of Darcy's hands and reaching for the box.

"Wait a second, guy, I gotta do the blessing," Tony jerked the box away.  He looked at the box with intense concentration and nodded.  "With the power vested to me by the Great Church of Goatee Monkeys, and the Amazing Con-greg-nation of Divine Mechanics, I, Tony the fifth level goatee monkey and seventh level mechanic bless the rings with love and happiness and let they never be tarnished or sad."

Pepper made a little sound, something akin to surprise.  And Pepper Potts did not get surprised all that easy.  Darcy tried to turn to look around, but Tony waved the rings in front of her face and Steve and she took the appropriate one.  

"With this ring," Steve smiled down as Darcy wiggled her left ring finger at him.  He slid it on and wasn't surprised that they already seemed to be perfectly fitted.  "I thee wed."

"I didn't tell you to say that, Dad!" Tony whined, but looked down at his piece of construction paper and nodded.  "But yeah, that was the right thing to say.  Your turn, Mom."

Darcy picked up the thicker gold band and laughed as Steve practically shoved his hand at her.  She carefully slid the ring on and looked up at him with a particularly sweet little smile before saying softly, "With this ring, I thee wed."

Natasha and Helen squealed in delight and began jumping up and down together.  

"With the powers vested to me by loads and loads of people on the internets and Asgard and everything, I now pronounce you totally married!" Tony announced loudly.

"KISS MY MOMMY!" Natasha screeched excitedly. "NOW KISS HER NOW!"

Steve laughed before pulling Darcy into his arms and laying a very enthusiastic kiss against her very willing and also enthusiastic lips.  His fingers gently lay against the small of her back, rubbing slightly at the surprisingly soft lace that made up Darcy's top.  He heard gasping from everyone assembled, then Helen and Natasha squealing even more.  

"Holy cow," Bucky could be heard around the sudden cotton in Darcy and Steve's ears.  "Holy cow, it totally worked."

"POINTY BREAK, I DID IT RIGHT!" Tony shouted exuberantly.  "I. AM. AWWWWESOME!"

When Steve reluctantly pulled away from the kiss, he blinked his eyes open in concert with Darcy and they were astonished to see that they were enveloped in a bright white light, originating from the point of contact of Steve's fingers against Darcy's lace.  The light seemed to be coming from both of them, seeping from them, then going to the other, then seeping out.  It felt very much like magic.  

It felt solidifying and uniting.  Steve could feel something indescribable, deep down inside of him being tied irrevocably to Darcy.  It spread a warmth throughout his entire body and he stared down in wonder at Darcy, as she did the same, staring up at him with wide, unblinking eyes.  

"Okay---what just happened?" Darcy whispered as the light began to recede, sinking into Steve and Darcy's skin.

"I didn't do it!" Tony announced very quickly, afraid that Darcy's confusion would lead to scolding.  He pointed at Thor, who stood proudly at the end of the line of Steve's groomsmen and said, "It was all Thor's idea!"

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty-One: Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Steven Rogers

"I didn't do anything!"

The claim sounded like it had come from Tony or Helen.  It was at once petulant and pleading.  It was delivered with wide blue eyes that had just been sparkling with happy tears which were now decidedly sad looking as the proclaimed innocent let his lower lip tremble pathetically.  

Quite frankly, Thor looked like the picture of perfect innocence.  Darcy and Steve, as one, both got that expression on their faces, that parental, knowing expression that told Thor that they believed not one word that was coming out of his mouth.  

"Thor, we're not upset," Darcy said calmly, sounding like she had three weeks ago when she had tried to reassure Bucky that she wasn't upset that his metal hand had accidentally destroyed the third faucet handle in the kitchen in the last two months.  

"We'd just like to know what happened, Thor," Steve patiently smiled at his friend standing in the back of the line of his groomsmen.  He nodded and wrapped his arm around Darcy's shoulders and walked towards the Asgardian.  "Let's talk about this in private, buddy."

"Oh my god, they make the best parents ever," Jane whispered to Pepper.  

"Like a freaking Disney show," Pepper agreed.

"Well, the children wanted you to be happy forever," Thor explained, his voice gaining his usual bravado and confidence with every word now that he knew Darcy and Steve weren't very upset with him.  They walked towards the little room that Steve had been sequestered in earlier and took a step inside.  Thor shrugged a little and looked at Darcy in particular, "And you had told me on many occasions, Lady Darcy, that you wished to not leave my Jane lonely when her time came to join me on the throne in Asgard."

"I---I did," Darcy nodded.  She looked down at the lace of her top and then back to Steve who was blinking curiously down at her.  "But what's that got to do with the magic voodoo that has me---you know, completely blissed out and euphoric?  Not that I'm complaining, because, dude, it's totally amazing."

"Yeah," Steve agreed in a whisper. He was glad Darcy had put it into words.  He felt as though there was a inner peace gently swirling inside of him.  Nothing could be so wrong when he had Darcy standing right next to him.

"You cannot partake of the apple, as you had eloquently wished to in the past," Thor reminded her.

"I told you that if Janie had to live forever, then you better let me do it too so she'd never be lonely, and if you didn't I would taze your ass, then tie you to the top of Stark Towers," Darcy nodded in semi-fond remembrance.

"Indeed," Thor smiled at her proudly.  "I found another way."

"Explain," Steve blinked at him curiously.

"Well, the lace is woven from the threads created by the light crusaders of Vanaheim," Thor said, as if that explained it all.  He wrinkled his nose as Darcy and Steve looked at him with the same expectant curiosity as before.  "It only works on the truest of matches.  And it is usually used to balance a long life with a painfully short one.  The light crusaders live for centuries, but can only mate with the curators of the garden, who live for mere years."

"Holy cow," Darcy borrowed a phrase from Bucky as she began to understand what Thor had done.

"Now, your lives are truly shared," Thor gave them a small, hopeful smile.  "The Captain would have survived far longer than you in his current state.  Now---it shall not happen."

"What if---what if something happens to me?" Steve wondered and Darcy turned into him looking up at him with something akin to anger.  "Just---you know how our lives are."

Thor's face nearly split in a grin.

"You cannot leave this realm without her permission, and she cannot leave without yours," the beaming Asgardian revealed.  "Most choose to leave together, hand in hand on their way to Valhalla after a life well lived together."

"I---I don't know what to say," Darcy whispered.  

"When somebody gives you something nice, you're supposed to say thank you!" Helen stage whispered from the door.  

Steve and Darcy turned to see four little heads stacked up, one on top of the other at the slightly opened door.  They looked happy, but anxious, as if they knew they had done something naughty, but it wasn't  ‘ I accidentally made the base evacuate because I created a new chemical compound by accident ' naughty.  

"Togevver forever," Natasha chanted low and slow, just like the little gingerbread lady in her favorite Shrek cartoon.  

"So this was all---for the Asgardian ritual?" Steve clarified.  "The whole---pretend wedding thing?"

"Yeah!" Tony immediately answered, eagerly.   "Totally."

Natasha and Helena eagerly nodded their heads, moving them so violently that one might not even notice that Bucky wasn't nodding at all, but instead, looked a little anxious.  Darcy and Steve might have noticed, but they had turned their attention back on Thor, who looked like he was awaiting a nasty sentence for a crime all of a sudden.  Instead, Darcy threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his middle, and Steve was quick to follow, wrapping his arms around Thor so that Darcy was stuck in the middle of a blond beefcake sandwich.  

"Thanks, Thor," Steve said genuinely.  Darcy could only make a vague noise in agreement.  

"You are my shield brother, Steven," Thor nodded.  "And Darcy is my lightning sister.  I saw the pain in you when she was injured on my prior visit.  I would not have either of you hurting in such a way again."

"So---party time?" Tony wondered.  "That chocolate fountain ain't gonna eat itself."

Pepper Potts knew that Tony was slippery when being a liar.  She had known it when he was an adult, prior to their romantic relationship, running away from responsibility and headfirst into whatever debauchery he could find.  She had known it during their romantic relationship, when he would happily bluff his way through depression and PTSD and depression.  

And now she knew that at the age of six, he would willingly do the chicken dance, pose for cute family pictures and run around entertaining everyone in the room in order to get away from her very important questions.  She'd unsuccessfully tried to corner him during the small part of the reception hour that he had not been involved in group pictures.  She'd even tried to corner him during a group picture, but he'd used his siblings as a human barrier.   

Pepper was not about to tangle with Natasha, no matter her age.

Finally, as they all sat down to dinner, Pepper managed to corner him while he was on the way out of the bathroom, looking adorable as he tried to straighten out his complicated three piece suit.  She huffed out a sigh before dropping to her knees and helping him fold the pocket square and place it back into his suit pocket.  

"Heya hotstuff," Tony said with just a little trepidation and a lot of forced bravado.

"Tony," Pepper nodded.  "We have some things to talk about."

"I decided I wanna be big again!" Tony announced loudly.  "Not right away.  Maybe after Christmas.  Cause I think it'd be nice to have Christmas with my family.  But then---yeah, big again.  I think it'll be nice."

"I---I, don't know what to say," Pepper said softly, staring at Tony's blushing face.

"I just really miss your stupid, perfect, dumb face" Tony admitted freely.  He leaned in and placed a quick kiss on Pepper's cheek before rushing away.

Pepper blinked in astonishment and was surprised to be helped to her feet by Happy, who was standing next to Rhodey, who both looked suspicious.

"Did you ask him?" Rhodey wondered.

"Huh?" Pepper blinked, well and truly gobsmacked.  

"Did you ask Tony about the goatee church and the grease monkey thing?" Happy wondered.

Pepper blinked once more, shaking her head a bit before turning to look for Tony again, who was sitting at the little round table that held Darcy and Steve and the kids as they were served their first course.  Tony was cackling maniacally as the waiters pulled off the plate covers and revealed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  

She'd been duped.

"That little shit," she breathed out in annoyance.

"Can I have a sip of your bubble juice?" Helen asked hopefully, trying to sound as polite as she could.

The three Wombats plus Scott looked down at the little girl curiously.  She was standing there alongside Bucky, who didn't look all that impressed with his little sister at the moment.

"Dude, no," Scott shook his head even as Kurt went to hand Helen his glass.  "She's FOUR."

"Tech knack lee, I'm thirty---thirty something," Helen shrugged.  She wrinkled her nose in annoyance at the men who had been their technical babysitters just a short while ago.  "A lady doesn't got to reveal her age!"

"I'm ninety-nine," Bucky announced calmly.  

"Dude, NO," Scott repeated.

"Worth a shot," Bucky shrugged.  "C'mon, Hells, they gots kid friendly sham pag nee up at the bar."

"Rude," Helen glared at the three wombats, sticking her tongue out at them.

"She's so cute," Jane breathed as she sat next to Thor as the dancing began.  Natasha had finally succumbed to the inevitable sugar crash from her earlier foray into the wonders of the chocolate fountain and decided to take a short nap.

And while the temptation to fall asleep on her father's shoulder had been very high, she'd wanted him to dance with her mommy again and again and again.  So she'd climbed up on Thor's lap instead, smeared a chocolate kiss against his cheek in payment for being able to collapse against his surprisingly comfortable shoulder and catch a quick catnap before the cake was brought out.

"She is a mighty and fierce warrior of Midgard," Thor intoned lowly.  He smiled though, and stroked a large hand over Natasha's wild red curls.  "She is quite adorable though.  I wish to bring her a gift from home on our next visit, dear Jane."

"Like, tiny weapons?" Jane wondered hopefully.  "Because you know, that'd be damned cute."

"Nay, she has plenty of her own weapons," Thor pointed to the little girl's legs, where, sure enough, barely peaking out of her little white anklet socks was a white spork.  "I wish to bring her a beast."

"A puppy," Jane blinked at him.

"Nay, a tiny beast, which shall grow with her and she could ride it into glorious battle," Thor insisted.

"A PUPPY," Jane said insistently.  "A Midgardian puppy."

"But---the antevor---"

"A PUPPY ," Jane's order was resolute.  "We can give it to them for Christmas."

"Wanna puppy beats," Natasha murmured into Thor's neck.

"Fine..." Thor sighed at Jane.  He patted his hand over Natasha's diapered bottom as Jane walked away, as Laura called out for bridesmaid slippery nipple shots to be taken.  Thor smiled as Natasha cuddled closer into him.  "A puppy beast."

"And now for the first dance of Mr and Mrs. Steven Grant Rogers," Scott announced cheesily from his place at the DJ table.  He and the Wombats were technically in charge of this too, as a real DJ couldn't have been sent through clearance so quickly.

Four children let out whoops of joy as they rushed their parents to the dance floor.  Bucky was pushing both hands against Steve's backside while Tony gripped one of Steve's hands and drug him forward, while Natasha and Helen both were yanking on Darcy's hands.  They arranged them carefully on the dance floor, allowing Steve to hold Darcy in the frame for a waltz.

"No, don't like it!" Nats announced and began pushing her parents closer together.  She grinned like a loon when she placed Steve's hands on Darcy's bottom and squealed with laughter when Tony placed Darcy's hands in much the same way.

"Seriously, this song?" Dave questioned the kids curiously.

"Play the song, bomb bat!" Helen ordered.

"Helen," Steve reminded her patiently.

"Play the song, bomb bat, please!" Helen ordered just as bossily, the please sounding like and even more strict order.

The sound of the calypso began to blare out of the speakers and Darcy and Steve both laughed as the children's collective favorite song began to play.  

"The seaweed is always greener---" Tony sang along as he and Helen held hands and danced around.

"On somebody else's plate," Bucky joined in as he and Natasha also danced around hyper actively.

"Not quite the first romantic dance I envisioned," Steve admitted in a whisper in Darcy's ear.

"No, but it works just as well," Darcy smiled up at him as they swayed back and forth to the music.  "I love you, Steve."

"I love you too, Darcy," Steve answered.

They managed to get to the first chorus before the children decided that was quite enough of couples only dancing and began a conga line with their parents, rushing around the room to collect as many people as they could.

Sam watched as Helen carefully put a few snacks on her plate from the extensive snack buffet set out in the corner of the room.  She had two plates, one for sweet and one for salty and she was desperately trying to make sure nothing had touched.  He would have normally gone to help her.  

He knew how much she hated her food touching.  Even as an adult.

But after the big family dance, and then more dancing, and knowing that speeches and cake were coming soon, Sam was just tired.  He was so tired.  He and Helen had been together for quite a bit now, meeting at the Avenger's base after Ultron.  He'd watched her, still stiff and sore from her injuries at the hand of the megalomaniac robot, trying to put a plate of dinner together from a buffet that Tony had set up for everyone.  

She'd been struggling to make sure the mashed potatoes didn't touch the cut of prime rib.  And she'd been so insistent about everything when he offered to help her, so bossy and take charge and competent even in her pain, that Sam had just fallen for her, completely and totally.  

And here they were.  She was still bossy.  Still take charge.  Still competent, and still avidly trying to make sure her popcorn didn't touch her little pile of fancy cheese.  But she was no longer that sassy lady he had fallen for.  She was tiny and small and defenseless except for the tiny murder munchkins that protected her fiercely.

"Are you alright?"

Sam looked to his right, and sure enough, Wanda was standing there, looking at the same thing he was.

"I'm just---I miss her," Sam admitted.  "I miss her walking into the door at the end of a long day and just, crawling on me and demanding food and affection, like a damned cat."

"You're souring, Sam," Wanda said softly.  "Three months ago, you were distressed to be sure, but you had hope.  And I can't get it off of you now."

"Cause I'm losing it," Sam admitted.  "I just...I just want my girl back."

"Viz thinks he's figured something out," Wanda whispered, her eyes darting around them to make sure she was unheard.  "But Pym doesn't want to consider it because---because we'd need a human to volunteer."

"Use me," Sam said resolutely.

"You're not the only one who volunteered," Wanda said carefully.  "We have a list a mile long of those that might want to help."

"Then what's the holdup?" Sam asked in a low, angry voice.

"It's...it's Pym," Wanda whispered.  

"When we go back tomorrow, you and Vision are taking me to that lab, and we are going to get answers from him," Sam muttered.  "Or I'm going to break his old face in."

Helen let out an anxious sound as the strawberry she had placed on a plate began to roll towards the pretzels she had also gotten.  Sam was rushing for her in no time, beating Steve for once, who had been all the way across the room, helping Bucky and Natasha with the chocolate fountain.  

"I just don't want 'em to touch!" Helen cried out anxiously as Sam steadied the plate and used a fork to make clear barriers.  She huffed out a sigh and looked up at Sam and nodded.  "Hi boyfriend."

"Hi Helen," Sam answered.

"Thank you for the help," she whispered.

"I'll always be here for you, I promise."

"Nats loves Mommy and Daddy so much and they is so cute and now Nats wants a baby brother, okay, love you bye," Natasha dropped the microphone and hopped off the stage.

Jane remained there, blinking and picked up the microphone and delivered the rest of the maid of honor speech.

"Uhm...well...good luck, there, uh, Darcy and Steve," Jane wrinkled her nose.  "I think you guys are probably going to have to throw a baby shower soon, because when that little girl wants something, she usually gets it?  So---yeah.  I'm rescinding my gift of that blanket made with eternally soft fiber from Swartlegate and I'm going to buy you a huge box of condoms.  Mazeltov!"

"Uhm---and...uh, now for the best man speech?" Scott turned to little Bucky hopefully, who was blinking over at Nats in surprised astonishment.

"Hi, my name is Bucky," Bucky waved to everyone who actually already knew who he was.  He reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a piece of construction paper with crayon scrawled words on it and nodded.  "I love my Ma and Pop very much.  And just cause I met my Pop a long, long time ago, doesn't mean that I don't love 'em both equally.  But I know certain stuff about Steve that not a lot of other people know..."

Bucky cleared his throat and nodded.

"I know that Steve likes brown haired ladies that don't like being quiet about stuff that matters.  And who will punch somebody out for being naughty.  And I know he likes hugs that last too long, and cookies that are chewy but not too crunchy.  And I know that when he was little and sick, he used to think that he'd never have a wife and a family of his own, even though he wanted it real bad,” Bucky pursed his mouth thoughtfully and looked back up at Darcy with all the love sparkling in his eyes that was humanly possible.  

"And now he got everything he ever wanted or deserved in my ma," Bucky said with a soft shyness.  He shrugged and lifted up his little glass of sparkling fruit juice and said, "To Darcy and Steve!"

The crowd echoed and toasted, and Steve placed a kiss to Darcy's temple before patting her on her lower back, giving her wordless permission to rush at Bucky and cover the little boy in kisses.  

Steve stood over Bucky as he gleefully went submissive and compliant for the kiss attack and chuckled to himself,

"Still trying to steal all the girls out from under me, even at six."

"CAKE!" Tony announced grandly.  "C'mon CAKE CAKE CAKE!"

Pepper gripped Tony by the back of his collar and stared down at him as he tried to squirm away from her.

"How did you do it, you little, smooshy rat bastard?" she demanded.

"Do what?  Be stinking adorable ?" Tony shot back.  "Mom says I'm naturally adorable and can't help it just leaking outta me, so there, you red-haired angel-witch!"

"You actually married them, Tony!" Pepper accused in a whisper.  She held up her phone to show the evidence she had managed to gather.  Sure enough, signed licenses and official, court approved paperwork were on display.  "I know that you are ACTUALLY ordained by those insane churches online."

"Disc Ram And Nation!" Tony gasped at her.  "My religion is just as real and normal as your Ape Thea Sim!"

"Friday?" Pepper spoke into the phone.

"Hola Seniorita Spicy!" Friday chirped back.  

"Tell me a story about how Tony actually married his parents, please?" Pepper asked, trying to keep the exasperation out of her tone, knowing that the AI would refuse if she didn't ask in exactly the right way.

"Oh, well, El Jefe had lots of help!  And money makes things happen in the world, so while it isn't the MOST important thing, it still is an important thing," Friday answered.  "Can you guess what the most important thing is, Seniorita Spicy?"

"Friends and family and love," Pepper answered evenly.  She looked up at the party as the seven tier cake, beautiful in its perfect simplistic way, was wheeled out to stand in front of Darcy and Steve, who were looking around for their kids before cutting in.  She caught Clint's eye, and the man had the good grace to shuffle his feet and look down.  She then looked to Maria, who didn't have the good grace to shuffle her feet and look down.  Instead, she shrugged at Pepper, gave her a wink and then went back to smirking at the newly married couple.

"So right, Seniorita Spicy!" Friday congratulated.

"Tony?" Darcy called out.  She saw him standing by Pepper and her eyes narrowed slightly.  She knew Pepper wouldn't actually hurt Tony, but the woman had threatened and that was enough to get Darcy's fierce protectiveness going.  Darcy quickly stomped towards Tony and Pepper and reached down, picking Tony up and cuddling him as close as she could.  "We alright here?"

"Fine," Pepper sighed.  "Uhm...Darcy, just so you know."

"Pepp, I kind of figured," Darcy whispered back, her cheek resting against the side of Tony's head.  "I mean, I helped him apply to the Church of the Grease Monkeys, remember?  We thought it was funny."

"Oh," Pepper nodded, completely gobsmacked.

"I just need to tell Steve later...that we're really married instead of just pretend.  I'm pretty sure he'll be happy," Darcy shrugged a soft smile on her face.

"I know he'll be happy, Mom," Tony promised her.

"Thanks sweetpea," Darcy gave him a kiss against his cheek.  "Now come on, Nats really wants cake and she's gonna jump in mouth first pretty soon."

Pepper watched as Darcy marched she and Tony back to the rest of the little family and marveled as Steve took Tony from Darcy's arms, placed a kiss on the boy's temple before placing him down on the ground with the rest of the kids.  He then reached for the cake cutter with Darcy and they carefully pulled out a wedge of really phenomenal looking cake.

Pepper was always a lot pragmatic, and she had always thought that Steve had been a kindred spirit in that respect.  They had often commiserated over having to yank Tony back from a ledge.  Steve was the last person on Earth she thought would happily get unwittingly married to a woman he'd known less than a year.  

It had taken Pepper nearly half a decade to finally admit that she didn't hate Tony.

But here he was, getting cake smashed into his face before lifting Darcy up and off of her feet totally and doing his best to smear icing on her face via kissing exclusively.  He also managed to bring his hand down and pat at Natasha's red curls, holding the girl at bay as Bucky carefully cut out another piece of cake and handed it off to the girl before she did totally demolish the cake.

Pragmatic he still was, surely, but that didn't mean he couldn't fall in love.  Pepper smiled warmly as Darcy put her icing covered fingers on Steve's cheeks and looked up at him so adoringly that it wasn't really fair.  

Pepper was so caught up with staring at Darcy and Steve that she didn't realize someone was tugging her hand for a full ten seconds before she looked down and saw Bucky staring up at her, a plate of cake in his hand.  

"Thank you, Bucky," she said softly.

"Tony really does want to grow up again," Bucky whispered to her.  "We talked about it, afore.  He just needs a little more time."

"Really?" Pepper looked down at him hopefully.

"Really," Bucky nodded.  "Just, don't give up on him, yet.  They'll figure it out and then he'll be big again."

Pepper nodded and took a deep breath.  "What about you?  Do you want to grow up again?"

"Doesn’t matter to me," Bucky admitted freely.  He shrugged and smiled, "I wouldn't mind if I did, but, I like this.  It's safe.  And happy.  And warm."

"Yeah, I bet it is," Pepper blinked back easy tears.  

"Tony wants to ask you to dance later, but he's scared you'll call him dumb or somethin'," Bucky admitted.  "So will you dance with him later?  Just...a little?  Please?"

"Oh my god, you're the world's best wingman," Pepper laughed.  She bent over and placed a kiss on Bucky's head and then nodded.  "Yes, you tell your brother, I will dance a song with him later, and I will do my very best not to call him dumb."

"Nats sleepy," Natasha sighed as Darcy held her close and swayed on the dance floor as a soft, lovely  song played as the night wore down.  

"I know you are, baby, so sleep," Darcy coaxed gently.  

"No, don't want to miss more happy," Natasha disputed, then yawned loud and long.  "So nice and happy."

"You won't miss anymore happy, baby girl, I promise," Darcy cooed at her as Natasha's blinks became prolonged.  Steve approached them, with two tired little boys trailing after him and a sleeping Helen in his own arms.  

"She fell asleep trying to separate M&M's by color," Steve whispered to Darcy.  "We heading back to the tower?"

"Nah, we got a suite," Tony announced.  "With the bedrooms on opposite sides and a white noise machine in ours. So you know...you can oh hell sweetheart all yous want."

"Tony," Steve chuckled.

"You gotta corn some mate it or it don't count!  The magic don’t work unless you...unless you oh hell sweetheart ," Bucky fretted a little.  "We'll sleep like logs, promise."

"C'mon, hubs, let's go corn some mate this," Darcy laughed, nudging Steve with her shoulder as she began to walk to the back of the ballroom, where Agent Sanchez was waiting with a smile.

"Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Rogers," Sanchez nodded at them, before leading the family to a secure elevator that was waiting for them.

The suite was enormous, and no sooner than the girls had been placed into the bed, then the boys climbed up and didn't even get out of the rest of their suits before their eyes drifted close.  

"So, wife of mine," Steve smiled at her as they went about undressing the sleeping kids and replacing fancy dress wear with cozy pajamas that had been sitting on the end of the bed.  

"Yes, hubs?" Darcy smiled softly.  

"What are the odds this is real?" Steve wondered, unable to get the hint of hope out of his voice as he managed to wrangle Bucky's metal arm into a t-shirt with Steve's shield on it.

"Hmm, one hundred percent to none?" Darcy grinned as she finger combed Helen's heavy black bangs away from the girl's face.  "Well, I've always been bad at statistics.  What's a bet that's a sure thing?"

"One to one," Steve grinned, tucking Tony into the covers.  

"Tony's ordained.  By...a lot of churches," Darcy admitted as he finished up tucking the kids in, before taking his hand and leading him out of the children's bedroom.  "And I think some strings were pulled paperwork wise."

"So you're really, honestly my wife now?" Steve swallowed as they shut the door.  He looked down at her in wonder and shook his head in slight disbelief.  

"We can have it annulled if you want," Darcy said softly, knowing what his reaction to that would be.

She bit her bottom lip to contain her whoop of delight as he scooped her up and off of her feet, carrying her in a very apropos bridal carry as they made their way across the suite to their own bedroom.  

"C'mon, Mrs. Rogers, let's go corn some mate this thing."

"Oh hell, sweetheart."

Natasha pressed her hand against Bucky's forehead and he grumbled in his sleep, but dutifully slid out of bed and walked towards the bureau where the white noise machine that their parents had neglected to turn on was sitting.  He climbed up the bureau easily, turning on the babbling brook and ocean sounds to full blast to try and cover up some of the excited sounds coming from across the suite.

"Thanks, Buck," Tony mumbled sleepily.  "Nats?"

"Mmmmfff," Natasha answered.

"Were you serious about wanting a baby brother?" Tony whispered.

"Yes, Nats don't want to be littlest forever," Natasha sighed.

"Okay.  We'll work on it next."

Helen yawned and nodded, still half asleep, "I got lots and lots a plans for that.  We can have a diss cushion in the morning."

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty-Two:  Stress Tests and Pants Regulation

"Okiedokie arts-and-chokies.   Step One in getting a baby brother ..."

The kids had woken up early on the first morning of Darcy and Steve's newly wedded bliss.  For once, Natasha had not snuck into their bedroom and demanded kisses and cuddles and candy.  Instead, she had woken up at dawn, and immediately shaken Bucky awake and demanded kisses, cuddles and candy from him.  Helen and Tony had woken up two hours later to find Bucky and Natasha sitting on the overstuffed armchair in the corner of the hotel suite's bedroom, their trusty Stark pad in hand as they played games that Friday had just invented for them.  

It involved catching candy in baskets by tilting the pad back and forth.  Every time they hit the end of a level, Friday would reward them by ordering a pallet of their favorite candy to be delivered back to the Avengers Base.  They'd cleared ten levels so far.

But when Helen had finally woken up and gone through her intense morning routine: bathroom, hand washing, mouthwash, five jumping jacks, ten sun salutations, hand washing, brushing her teeth, hand washing, then high-fiving each of her siblings.  

Their parents still hadn't ventured into the room, so Tony had picked up the phone and asked for ' ALL of the breakfastes ' to be delivered to Agent Sanchez and then quietly brought into their private room only, allowing the newlyweds to sleep a little bit longer.  

Helen had excitedly eaten her neatly organized, color sorted fruit loops, then polished off a whole banana, then decided to splurge a little and stuff a plain belgian waffle wedge into her mouth, and then five whole whopping spoonfuls of whipped cream.  She was wiping the back of her mouth off neatly with one of the fancy room service napkins when she had announced that it was time.

"First and most important in the coin sap shin of babies, is that the mommy shouldn't be so stressed out all the time," Helen said wisely.  "So from now until our baby brother is born, we gotta be so so so good."

Tony looked at Helen suspiciously.  She blinked at him owlishly in return.  He knew that grownup Helen was the be all end all in all things medical, and he knew that even as a little girl, Helen retained a lot of that knowledge.  And she certainly knew more than he did about where babies come from.  All of this being said, Tony still couldn't help but be wary about Helen's motives.  

"What?" Bucky looked at Tony, reading his dubious expression immediately.  "Hells isn't wrong, Tony.  Stress is bad for mommies with babies in their belly."

"Sure, sure, I know," Tony agreed.  "But most important to making babies isn't stress, it's more...you know.   Oh hell sweetheart .  They have to do that more than once a day.  They have to do it like...five times an hour, at least!"

"Five times an hour?" Bucky blinked at him.  "But when will they do their other stuff?"

"Nats needs hugs from Mommy and Daddy," Natasha said resolutely.  She looked to Helen and authoritatively said, "Fine a better way."

"It don't gotta be five times an hour!" Helen insisted.  "Specially if Mommy is not stressed out."

"You just want her to not be stressed out cause that means we're being good, and if we're being good, that means more gold stars, and if you get more gold stars then we get to go to Disney!" Tony spewed out his rapid fire accusation with enthusiasm, his words jumbling together.  "Hells Bells I told ya, I'll take us to Disney gold stars or not!"

"No, I'm tellin' the truth!" Helen whined.  She glared at Tony and pointed a very bossy finger at him.  "Sit down and shut up and lissen at me cause I'm the boss at doctoring!"

"Sorry," Tony immediately did as he was told, sitting down on the bed and reaching for another quarter of the waffle and dipping it into butterscotch sauce before cramming it into his face. Through the waffle he tried to sound out "Continue", but it sounded more like "Commamahamahue."

"Like I was saying, as a medical expert, Mommy can have her egg watered better if she is happy all the time," Helen nodded.  "Cause Mommy used to tell me when we was grown up she didn't get her lady stuff if she was stressed, so from now on, we make everything easy for her."

"Okay," Bucky and Natasha said simultaneously.

They could do that.  They would LOVE doing that.  They loved Darcy so much that they couldn't imagine not trying to make everything happy and easy for her.  They were going to be SO GOOD at making things easy for her.

"Okay, good," Helen nodded.  "Step two, we gotsta steal Daddy's undies."

"Whaaaaaaat?" Tony nearly choked on his waffle.

"He used to wear tighty whities," Helen said knowledgeably.  She didn't know how she knew that, but she did.  "And that can constrict the watering can."

"But he wears shorts now," Bucky announced.  "Ma got him ones with hearts on 'em and lips on ‘em and his shield on ‘em and he wears those."

"Still...just to be careful," Helen nodded.  "We steal his undies and steal all his tight jeans too so he can only wear the loose pants.  That way his test or calls can work real good and water Mommy's garden super fast!"

"Nats can do it," Natasha stood very quickly from her comfy cuddling position with Bucky.  She reached out and grabbed one of the fancy chocolate candies that had been on a plate and popped it into her mouth before evading Bucky's grasp and making a run for it.

"Uhm, Friday the Explorer?" Tony called out to the tablet.

"Hola, El Jefe!  It's a beautiful day outside today, are you ready for a great adventure?" Friday chirped through the tablet sitting next to Bucky.

"Yeah...can we get an adventure where we buy Dad more sweat pants?  He's gonna need 'em," Tony guessed.

"We shoulda sent 'em on a honeymoon," Bucky sighed as he and the other children piled into the back of a limo set to take them back to Stark Towers.  Darcy and Steve were still outside, going over the game plan of getting back to the Avenger's base with Agent Sanchez.  "Babies get made real easy on honeymoons.  That's what happens in the movies and stuff."

"We could still do that, what's a nice honeymoon...Vegas?" Tony wondered as he pulled out the tablet that Darcy had attempted to hide from them in her purse, only to have it lifted out unbeknownst to her by Natasha.

"NO!  THE AWFUL TOWER!" Nats argued instantly from her place in the front of the limo with Happy.

"Hawaii!" Helen clapped her hands together.  "Like Lilo and Stitch!"

"Pop don't like the ocean so much," Bucky reminded them.  "He did like the Eiffel Tower when we was in the war.  He wanted to protect it cause he said it was romantical."

"ooooooooohhhh!" Natasha cooed.

"And me and my old dead friends picked on him cause he didn't have a lady to get romantical with," Bucky admitted sheepishly.  "He'd love to take Ma to Paris I bet."

"Yeah, okay, Friday?  Let's play a game!" Tony said cheerily.

"But---would we go with?" Bucky wondered curiously.   "They need piracy to water Ma's garden and oh hell sweetheart ."

"We can stay at home," Tony shrugged.

"But ma would be so worried about us," Bucky wagered.  "And she's not apposed to stress."

"That's true," Tony sighed.  "Okay, Friday, can we make a new building at the base with that cool virtual reality glasses thing I did when I was big?  Except they don't gotta wear glasses, we'll build it all into the walls.   And we'll make it like Paris!"

"Tony so smart!" Natasha popped into the limo from the front privacy window, a jaunty little cap completely covering her entire head.  "Nats told Happy we gotta go a places."

"Okay," Bucky shrugged easily enough as Helen and Tony nodded.  If Natasha wanted to go somewhere before they headed home, they weren't about to argue with her.

"Tony!" Darcy was immediately scolding as she got into the limo.  She looked at him suspiciously and then gestured to the tablet in his hands.  "How did you get that back?"

"Uhm...magic?" Tony scrunched his nose up like a cagey little monster.  

"Nats do it," Natasha smiled, clamoring towards her mother and hugging her knees.  "Hows you mommy?  feeling nice?"

"I'm feeling very nice, Nats," Darcy giggled.  "Thank you for letting Mommy and Daddy sleep in this morning."

"Oh yes, Nats a good girl," Natasha said adorably.  She turned to the door that Steve was cramming himself into, before he sat right next to Darcy, leaving little to no room for any airspace between them. "HI DADDY!"

"Hi Nats," Steve answered back with a grin.

"Nats like your pants!" Natasha continued to drip sugar with every word as she moved from her mother's knees to Steve's, hugging him fiercely as the car began to move through the city fairly quickly.

"Thanks, baby," Steve chuckled, watching as Natasha rubbed her chubby cheek against the soft fleece of his new sweatpants. He pulled her up and cuddled her against his chest. "I don't know where all my other pants wound up---"

"Luggage mixup," Tony piped in.

"A leprauchan took 'em," Helen nodded.

"You lost 'em in the laundry," Bucky chimed in.