Chapter Text
Alex isn’t hiding.
Really. She isn’t.
She’s just….sitting at her desk with the door closed. That’s not hiding.
Alex is resting her head against her folded arms, her head reeling.
“Ms. Danvers, is it true?” he asks and Alex raises an eyebrow.
“That we’re learning about balancing chemical equations today? Yes,” Alex replies and Owen shakes his head.
“No! That you and Ms. Sawyer are dating!” He exclaims and Alex freezes in her place.
Her mouth falls open and Owen’s smile grows. “Oh uh, no. Ms. Sawyer and I are just friends. Coworkers,” she tries to explain and Owen frowns.
“But Julian said he saw the two of you on a date,” Owen says and Alex takes a deep breath.
“No. We weren’t on a date,” Alex replies because this is a student and she doesn’t owe him any more explanation than that. Owen looks rather put out. “Now go get your things, the bell is going to ring soon and I don’t think you want a detention for being late to homeroom,” Alex adds and Owen’s frown deepens but he walks away anyway.
Alex slips into her classroom and leans her head against the wall. Fuck.
All day, at least so far, her students have been asking her if she’s dating Maggie.
Even Julia came over to her before first period and asked if it was true. When Alex just glared at her, she backed off, grumbling something under her breath.
She was barely able to get through her lessons but she did manage. When her free period came around, she shut her door and sunk into her chair.
She’s embarrassed and maybe a little nervous. Her sexuality is barely something she’s okay with herself, let alone something she’s okay with the whole school speculating on.
The kids she can deal with. Kids everywhere are the same. They see two people interact, especially two people who orbit in their space frequently, and they see something that isn’t there.
Or in this case, see something that’s only partly there.
They’ll move on quickly enough when something else happens. It’s….everybody else. It’s Maggie. It’s Julia. It’s the rest of the staff.
Alex doesn’t lie well. She never has. And when confronted with the inevitable ‘wait, I didn’t know you were gay’ comments, Alex isn’t sure that she’s going to be able to lie.
Especially not to Maggie.
There’s a knock on the door and every part of her is saying not to address it. To just….ignore whoever it is and hope they go away.
They don’t. The knocking continues and finally, Alex relents and calls out a, “come in.” She turns her head for a moment to see who it is.
It’s Maggie. Of course it is. She turns her head back into her arms.
“Hey Danvers, you alright?” Maggie asks and Alex sighs.
“Define alright,” she replies, her voice muffled. There’s shuffling next to her and when she looks up, Maggie is hovering next to her, a concerned furrow in her brow.
“I heard we’re dating,” Maggie says with a small smile and Alex’s lips purse. She flinches and it’s involuntary, accidental, but it says more than she ever could. Maggie’s smile falls. “Is something wrong, Danvers?” Maggie asks and there’s a hard edge to her voice that Alex hasn’t heard before.
But Alex doesn’t know how to answer her.
She doesn’t know how to say yes but no. She doesn’t know how to explain the discomfort in the pit of her stomach without upsetting Maggie.
Maggie is staring at her with a hard expression and it’s like every wall of Maggie’s that Alex had worked to break down is back up again. Alex swallows.
“I don’t know, Maggie,” Alex says, her voice low. Maggie lets out a long, deep breath. She stands up, shaking her head.
“Well you come find me when you can give me an answer, Danvers,” Maggie replies, heated in a way that Alex hasn’t ever heard before.
Maggie walks out of the room before Alex’s brain has a chance to catch up.
Great.
That went….horribly.
Alex buries her head back her arms, hoping to relax away the rest of her lunch period.
Except there’s another knock on the door. Her heart leaps into her throat and foolishly, she hopes that it’s Maggie. So she calls out another “come in.”
It isn’t Maggie. This time it’s Julia. Alex’s jaw clenches and she’s ready to tell her to leave when Julia holds her hands up. “Hey, I come in peace,” she says, glancing around the classroom. “This is nice,” she comments and Alex leans back against her chair.
“Thanks,” Alex replies. “Why are you here, Julia?” Alex asks because she really isn’t in the mood for small talk right now. Julia looks back at her.
“I saw Maggie storming out of here. I guess you two are dealing with the rumor situation well,” Julia says and Alex takes a deep breath. “It’s just teenage gossip. It’ll pass. I promise even the faculty will forget once the art teacher comes to work drunk again,” Julia says and Alex tilts her head and watches her. Julia’s eyes are soft and honest. It’s….interesting. It’s not the sort of interaction she’s used to having with her but Alex does admit that it’s a welcome change. Alex stays quiet and Julia continues, “I just wanted to say that if you need someone to talk to about anything, I’m here,” Julia says before nodding to herself. She turns to walk away but Alex starts to speak.
“We’re not….dating,” Alex says and Julia pauses. When she turns around, there’s a bright grin on her face.
“But?” Julia asks. Alex sighs.
“But nothing. She has a girlfriend,” Alex says and Julia tilts her head.
“There’s always a but, Alex,” Julia says and the confession is on the tip of her tongue. She opens her mouth and there’s a real part of her that wants to blurt the words out.
But it doesn’t feel right.
It doesn’t feel right for Julia to be the first person that she tells. So she just shrugs.
“Maybe,” Alex says evenly, not giving too much away. Julia watches her contemplatively.
“So, I’m gonna offer my two cents,” Julia says and Alex raises an eyebrow because really, she never asked - but Alex is starting to get the sense that Julia never really waited for anyone to ask. “I meant it when I said that Maggie doesn’t make friends. She’s reserved, always in her own head. But ever since you got here? She’s wherever you are and looking at you like you hung the moon,” she pauses and looks up, a small smile on her face. “Which, technically, you did,” she says, pointing to the construction paper moon on the wall. Alex smirks at that. “So take my word for it, or don’t, but I know a crush when I see one,” Julia finishes and Alex lets out a deep breath. Normally, a statement like that would make her body fill with butterflies but instead it just feels like there’s a cement block making a home in her stomach. Julia gives her a half smile and starts to walk out of the room.
Alex thinks about just letting her go, letting her walk away, but instead, she reiterates, “she has a girlfriend.”
Julia turns around and wrinkles her nose.
“You know, I think sometimes feelings just want to happen. Timing might be shitty but love, life , just….wants to happen,” Julia says. “It’ll work itself out,” she adds before turning away.
Once Julia is out of sight, Alex laughs to herself.
In the span of an hour, she might have lost her first friend here but made her second.
Yeah, life does have a funny way of working itself out.
Just not in the way Alex wanted.
-
The rest of the day passes in something of a haze. There’s part of her that just wants to put on video of Bill Nye and rest but that would be a disservice to her students and she won’t let her personal life affect her professional life. So she teaches like she normally would, she supervises a study hall, and when the final bell rings, she shuts her door and slinks into her desk chair again.
She wishes she could scream. That she could open up the window and yell.
Or maybe punch something.
Just. Anything to get rid of the heavy feeling in her stomach.
There’s a knock on the door and it’s a weird sort of deja vu. She swallows the lump in her throat that’s been lodged there all day before calling, “come in.”
It’s Maggie, her hands shoved in the pockets of her pants. There’s no smile on her face, no familiar twinkle in her eye. She looks….blank.
“Maggie,” Alex says, breathlessly, like her name’s taken the air from her lungs.
(Maybe it has.)
Maggie holds up a hand. She swallows and Alex sees her throat bob. “I don’t know what your issue is, Danvers, but I’m too old to try and change someone’s homophobic mind. So if...if that’s who you are, I’m glad I found out now,” Maggie says and Alex can’t do anything besides watch her with an open mouth. Maggie isn’t looking at her, more looking past her, and Alex can’t think of anything to say. The words, the confession, are lodged in her throat and she wants to say it.
She wants to tell Maggie that she’s gay.
She tries. Her mouth forms the word ‘I’ but nothing else follows. Maggie sighs.
“Nothing?” she says and Alex thinks this might be her last chance to salvage whatever this is with Maggie.
Still, she can’t say anything.
“Okay,” Maggie says though it seems as if it’s more to herself than to Alex.
Maggie shakes her head and she turns, walking out of the room.
Alex doesn’t stop her.
-
Everything is hazy for the rest of the night. She goes for a run, makes dinner, feeds Rosalind Franklin, and then stares at the television. Rosalind Franklin settles on her lap, meowing quietly and Alex pets her robotically.
Her phone rings and her heart leaps into her throat. Part of her hopes it’s Maggie. The rational, sensible part knows that it won’t be.
It’s Kara.
She swallows and picks up quickly. “Hi,” she says and without much prompting, Kara is going off about something and Alex is grateful for the distraction. She tunes into what Kara’s talking about, something to do with James or Ms. Grant or James and Ms. Grant.
Kara’s fast paced complaints are a welcome distraction and for a moment, the weight is off her chest. Her breath comes easy and unlabored. It settles on her once again when Kara asks, “how was your day?”
Alex swallows. There’s part of her that doesn’t think she should tell her because the second that she does she knows that Kara is going to offer to come down and be with her and she can’t do that. She can’t put that burden on her.
But she needs to tell someone and she might have chased away the only other person in her life she considers a friend.
“I became a subject of the rumor mill today,” Alex starts and Kara makes an interested noise.
“Tell me more,” she replies and Alex’s bottom lip quivers.
“Maggie and I were out this weekend and some students saw us. When I got to school this morning, I got asked if it was true that we were,” she pauses and lets out a long, shaky breath, “were dating.”
There’s a soft ‘oh’ from the other end and Alex bites her lip. “What did you say?” Kara says, the question gentle but curious.
“I, I said no because we’re not and then Maggie came to talk to me and I,” she clenches her jaw. “I froze. She uh, thinks I’m a homophobe because I couldn’t get the nerve to tell her the real reason why I was so freaked out,” Alex says and she hears the tears in her voice before she feels them hit her cheek.
“Oh Alex,” Kara says.
“I know I told you to forget about it but right now, I really, really need you to remember,” Alex says and she tries to keep her voice strong as she wipes tears away with the back of her hand.
“Okay. I remember,” Kara replies. “Talk to me, Alex,” Kara says and Alex sniffles.
“You know, I thought I could just forget about it. There was so much else happening that it didn’t seem like it mattered. It feels like it matters now,” Alex says and she stumbles over most of her words, all of them feeling foreign against her tongue.
“Alex, it’s always mattered. You’ve always mattered,” Kara says and Alex’s bottom lip quivers.
“Kara, I don’t know what to do. Maggie, she’s,” Alex pauses again. She’s never been the sort of person that’s had to stop in the middle of a sentence to collect herself but this feels bigger than anything she’s ever said. “She’s really important to me.”
There’s a small chuckle on the other side of the receiver. “I know. You looked at her like I looked at that pizza,” Kara says and that makes Alex laugh, truly and genuinely, for the first time all day. “It’s okay, Alex, if you like her. You’re allowed to like her,” Kara says gently and the tears are back with full force. She wants to respond, say something that lets Kara understand how grateful she is, how happy she is, but nothing she can think of can properly express the gravity of how she’s feeling. “I don’t know Maggie but I know you and she must be one hell of a girl if you like her this much,” Kara says.
“Thank you,” Alex replies. It doesn’t feel like enough but she supposes it’s as close as she’s going to get to feeling like it is.
“I love you, Alex, and I’m so proud of you,” Kara says and Alex’s only reaction is a sob. “I’ve always been proud of you.”
She doesn’t deserve it, not by a long shot, but the words offer a comfort she’s long denied herself and she allows herself to revel in it for a moment.
“Thank you,” she whispers again and it feels less foreign this time.
“So, what are you going to do about Maggie?” Kara asks and the tone starts to shift and the weight in her stomach starts to lift - permanently.
They talk for at least another hour. It’s only once exhaustion starts to seep into both of their voices and Kara nearly falls asleep on the other end that Alex suggests ending the call.
“Thank you, Kara, for everything,” Alex says.
“There’s nothing to thank me for. You’re my sister and I love you. Across the universe, remember?” Kara says and Alex grins. Kara hasn’t said that to her in years but it stills fills her with the same warmth that it used to.
They’re in the treehouse, watching the stars. Alex has three layers of blankets around her, shivering, but Kara seems to be comfortable in just a sweatshirt. She’s resting her arms and chin on the wooden sill of the window, a look of wonder in her eyes. “Where do you think he is?” Kara asks and Alex knows she’s referring to Alex’s father, who passed away six months ago. Alex swallows the lump in her throat that seems to arise every time someone mentions her dad.
“Somewhere nice, I hope,” Alex says softly.
“Maybe he turned into a star. That really bright one looks like him,” Kara says, pointing to one of the many stars illuminating the sky. Alex can’t tell which one she’s pointing at but she pretends she does.
“Yeah, maybe,” Alex mutters. Kara turns around, a frown on her face.
“Hey Alex?” Kara says and Alex raises an eyebrow.
“Yeah?”
“If you became a star, I’d go into space to find you,”Kara says and Alex bites her lip. She knows Kara’s lost more people than she should have by now. Both of her biological parents are dead, Jeremiah is dead, and she had no family left when she came to live with the Danvers’.
There’s a fear in Kara’s eyes and a sort of distance. As if she’s scared that if she gets any closer, she’s liable to lose her too. Alex swallows and gets into her knees. She scoots over to where Kara is sitting and puts her hands on her knees.
“I’m not going to turn into a star any time soon,” Alex says and Kara gives her a watery smile. “But it’s nice that you’d go across the universe for me,” Alex adds and Kara laughs. Alex opens her arms and Kara falls into them.
“Across the universe,” she whispers as they both look at the sky, the bright star Kara pointed at twinkling above them.
It kind of became their thing after that. Whenever one of them wanted to express the depth of their bond, they would say that and the other would know.
Alex’s chest feels light now.
“Across the universe,” Alex echoes before they say their goodbyes.
She settles into bed, Rosalind Franklin nuzzled against her back, and thinks that as far as bad days go, this was certainly not the worst.
She got through all of those, she got through today, and she’ll be able to get through tomorrow too.
Hopefully.
-
Alex brings two coffees the next morning.
She walks to Maggie’s door, her heart racing. It’s shut and Alex thinks maybe Maggie isn’t here yet. She knocks anyway.
No answer.
With a heavy sigh, she walks back to her room but keeps the door open and her eye trained on the hallway.
Maggie never passes her but when the students start to filter in, Maggie is standing outside of her door, smiling like nothing’s happened.
Alex feels like she’s been punched in the stomach.
She’s staring, she knows she is, but she can’t quite find a way to take her eyes off Maggie. She hasn’t since they met. After a moment, Maggie meets her eyes and for a second, Alex swears she sees a flash of emotion cross her face. It’s covered up after moment and Maggie’s face sets back into that neutral one Alex is so used to seeing.
Maggie looks away.
When Alex goes back into her classroom, she tosses the cold coffee.
-
Alex skips the lounge.
She eats in her classroom, going through papers while she eats around a salad. She has to admit her appetite isn’t what it could be.
Her door opens with a whoosh of air and her heart leaps into her throat. She, rather foolishly, hopes that it’s Maggie. She knows that it won’t be but yet she still looks across the room with expectant eyes. She tries not to let disappointment color her expression when it’s Julia in the doorway. When Julia raises an eyebrow and says, “jeez you sure know how to make a girl feel special,” she knows she didn’t quite manage.
“Sorry, it’s been a long day,” Alex mutters and Julia laughs.
“It’s 11:30,” Julia replies. Alex glares at her through her eyelashes, causing Julia’s lips to lift into a smirk. “I might not be Maggie but I do come bearing gifts,” Julia adds, placing two perfectly shaped cookies on Alex’s desk. They’re chocolate chip with perfect frosting smiles on them. Alex looks up at her with a raised eyebrow.
“Did you make these?” Alex asks and Julia laughs.
“Oh God no. My boyfriend owns a bakery. He was messing around with cookie recipes last night. I took some of the scraps,” Julia replies, her lips lifting at the mention of her boyfriend. Alex takes a bite of the cookie and she can’t stop a noise of satisfaction from coming out of her mouth. Julia’s smile turns into a smirk. “He’s good, isn’t he?” Julia says and Alex nods. “So did you pull your head out of your ass and talk to Maggie yet?” Julia says and Alex nearly chokes on the piece of cookie in her mouth. Julia’s eyes are wide and innocent and Alex’s are wide because there’s a chocolate chip stuck in her esophagus and it’s just become very hard to breathe.
(And that has nothing at all to do with the mention of Maggie - not at all.)
Julia only looks mildly concerned as Alex grabs frantically for her water bottle to dislodge the chocolate chip. “Are you going to live?” Julia asks and Alex nods, narrowing her eyes just slightly. “Good, then you can answer the question,” she continues, her tone still bright and chipper and there’s a twinge of annoyance in Alex’s stomach but she knows exactly why it’s there. Julia isn’t letting her run away from this. Alex thinks that Julia might still interrogate her about the situation with Maggie while she was giving her the heimlich if it came down to that.
“I’m not sure when we got to the point where we could discuss my personal life,” Alex says harshly and Julia narrows her eyes. After a few moments, she leans back and relaxes her face.
“Fine, you don’t want to talk. I get it. Enjoy the cookies, Alex,” Julia says before pushing away from the desk she was leaning against and walking out of the classroom. Alex drops the cookie and leans against the back of her chair.
Great.
She thinks she might a magician with a speciality in making friends vanish into thin air.
-
When the end of the day comes, Alex is more than ready to call it. She’s tired, her head is pounding, and she wants a fucking drink.
She’s an alcoholic - she always wants a drink.
She slings her bag over her shoulder and takes the long way out of the building, the one that passes the athletic field. Not for any particular reason. Just...because.
The field hockey team is practicing on the far field and Alex’s eyes fix on Maggie immediately. Her hair’s in a ponytail, her whistle hanging from her neck, while she runs across the field running drills with the girls. Even from a distance, Alex can see the gleam of sweat on her forehead. It makes her mouth go dry. She blows her whistle, bringing the drill to an end. Alex watches as she claps her hands, clearly praising her team for a well executed drill. She explains something, using hand motions, and takes a step back before blowing the whistle again. The team starts running around her and Maggie watches them with a contemplative eye.
And then, as if she felt her gaze, Maggie’s head whips around towards her. Their eyes meet and Alex thinks maybe the world slowed down so she could take her in for a moment longer. Maggie doesn’t smile, barely even changes her expression, but it’s enough to make Alex’s heart nearly stop.
And then she looks away, shouting something, and Alex’s stomach sinks. She finally makes her feet move and walks to her car. When she puts her hands on the wheel, she realizes they’re shaking. She takes deep, steady breaths and tries to calm herself. She wishes, perhaps for the millionth time since she moved, that Kara were here. She’s the only person who’s ever been able to make her feel better. She won’t call, not now, because she’d texted Alex earlier about coffee with James so she won’t bother her with this. Not again. She waits until her hands have steadied before she starts the car.
Alex passes three bars on her way home and she thinks about stopping at each and every one of them.
-
Alex puts on fuzzy socks and her favorite Stanford sweater when she gets home. She heats up days old Chinese and hopes it hasn’t gone bad yet. Rosalind Franklin settles on her lap while she watches Twilight.
(It just happened to be on - and maybe she was feeling a little nostalgic. She read all of the books as a kid and maybe, maybe , saw the movies at midnight premieres.)
Really, Alex figures the only reason she loved these movies so much growing up was because Kristen Stewart had some kind of allure to her. It was in the bone structure, Alex was sure.
Edward’s just run with Bella on his back when there’s a knock on her door. Rosalind Franklin meows at the disturbance but otherwise doesn’t move. Alex isn’t expecting anybody and she doubts Kara has the time for another surprise visit so soon. She slides the cat off her lap and walks to the door. She grabs a butter knife from the kitchen table. It’s not much but she figures that with enough force she could do some real damage. She opens the door and the moment that she does, the knife falls from her hand and clatters against the floor.
Maggie.
“Maggie,” Alex breathes out. Maggie gives her a tight smile.
“Can I come in?” she asks and Alex nods.
“Yeah, of course,” Alex says, maybe still a little surprised at seeing Maggie outside of her door. Maggie brushes past her and before Alex can even shut the door, Maggie is speaking.
“You know, I’ve been going over and over this in my head, trying to figure out where I read you wrong. I grew up in small town Nebraska, if there’s one skill that gave me, it’s the ability to spot a homophobe,” Maggie pauses and Alex flinches at the word. Maggie looks at her, eyes guarded and Alex’s stomach clenches. “You were my friend, or pretending to be, for weeks, Alex, and I-” Maggie’s cut off by Alex because she can’t stand to listen to this anymore. She won’t be accused of hating Maggie, not when that’s so far from the truth.
“I’m not homophobic Maggie, I’m gay!” Alex practically yells. Maggie’s mouth opens, her jaw dropping just slightly. Her eyes are wide and the surprise is written clearly across her face.
It’s the first time Alex has said it out loud since college, when she would stand in front of the mirror and practice saying it to herself. It’s the first time she’s ever said the word to someone else. Even Kara.
The moment is monumental, she knows that. If she could take a picture, she probably would, but she thinks asking Maggie for a selfie so she could catalog this in her gay scrapbook might be the wrong move right now.
She’s gay.
Alex Danvers is gay .
It feels...freeing now that the words are out there. A little terrifying, a little like she’s hanging halfway off a cliff of unknown height, a little like the world is spinning in a way she can feel . She’s smiling and maybe that’s not the right reaction, she doesn’t really know what is or isn’t the right way to react to telling someone you’re gay for the first time. It should go without saying that she’s...never done it before.
Maggie still looks shellshocked, as if that was the last thing she expected Alex to say, and maybe it was. It was pretty obvious Maggie came here looking for some kind of confrontation, for Alex to admit that she was homophobic. Her defensive stance when she walked in told Alex everything she needed to know. She didn’t need to be a special agent to read body language.
“That feels really good to say,” Alex continues because she knows she doesn’t owe Maggie anything, not an explanation, not a breakdown of her sexuality, but she wants Maggie to know. For whatever reason that might be. Maggie’s biting her lip and her face is much softer now.
“I had no idea,” Maggie says and Alex shrugs, a small smile on her face.
“For a long time, neither did I,” she replies. Alex gestures towards the couch, where Rosalind Franklin is still sitting, grumpily watching the exchange with tired eyes. She meows loudly at them and that seems to break the tension. “Do you want to sit?” Alex asks. She realizes that Twilight is still playing in the background and she’s sure she’ll have time to be embarrassed about it later but she has other, much bigger things to focus on. As slyly as she can, she grabs the remote and turns the television off. She’d rather Edward and Bella not provide the background noise to this conversation.
Alex has to move Rosalind Franklin away from her spot on the couch because she refused to budge. Maggie gestures to her.
“I guess you really are a cat person,” Maggie says and Alex chuckles, her chin falling to her chest.
She doesn’t know where to start. There’s so much she wants to say, so much she’s always wanted to say but never had the right audience for that she’s allowed to say now. “I’m sorry,” Alex says because she figures an apology is a good place to start.
“I get it, Danvers. I’ve been there,” Maggie says and she reaches across the couch to put her hand on Alex’s knee. Alex stares at it for a few very long moments.
“You know, that’s the first time I ever said it out loud,” Alex says, a big smile pulling at her lips. Maggie’s nose wrinkles rather endearingly.
“Yeah, I figured,” Maggie replies, her voice soft and warm and Alex wants to wrap herself in it. It’s comforting in a way that she’s never really felt before. There’s a sense of safety in the moment that Alex hasn’t had the pleasure of experiencing before but now that she has, she never wants it to disappear. “I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. I’ve had some….bad experiences,” Maggie says and Alex has a feeling she’s not going to elaborate. She waits a few more moments anyway. Maggie says nothing else.
“I understand. I don’t blame you,” Alex says and she’s very aware that Maggie’s hand is still on her knee. She squeezes.
“I’m here for you, you know that right? You’re my friend, Alex,” Maggie says and her heart speeds up hearing her name fall from Maggie’s lips. “You don’t have to go through this alone,” Maggie says, her eyes suddenly very far away. Alex bites her lip and she nods.
“Thank you,” Alex replies sincerely.
“Of course,” Maggie replies. “Does Kara know?” Maggie asks and Alex nods.
“The first time I told her, I was a senior in college. I was going through something and it slipped out. I told her to forget it,” Alex says with a laugh and Maggie smiles, albeit it barely seems to reach her eyes. “I asked her to remember yesterday. She loves me, no matter what, I know that, but there was this part of me that thought if I told her to forget it, maybe I could too,” Alex adds. Maggie’s face is sympathetic and she’s quiet, clearly waiting for Alex to continue. “I wasn’t ready. I suppressed it for years because I didn’t think I was ever going to be. But when the rumor spread, I realized that I didn’t want to lie if someone asked me if I was gay. I didn’t want to cower from the question. I think that’s what ready feels like,” Alex says and Maggie’s smile seems to have grown as she spoke.
“I’m happy for you, Alex. Really. You deserve to be happy and comfortable with yourself,” Maggie says. “I’m glad you told me,” she adds and Alex grins.
“Me too,” she replies. They’re staring at each other, the air between them suddenly heavy, and Alex can’t stop herself from looking down to Maggie’s lips. They’re a little chapped, presumably from the air that whipped against her face as she rode here, but still perfectly kissable.
And then Maggie is turning her face away and looking back towards the kitchen and Alex is shaken back to reality. The reality where Maggie isn’t hers to kiss.
She might be….out to some degree now, but that doesn’t mean she’s automatically going to get everything she wants. That’s just not how life works. Especially not for her. “You got any actual food in here, Danvers, or just that sorry excuse?” she says gesturing to take out boxes on Alex’s table. Alex smiles, a little guilty, and shakes her head.
“Negative,” she replies. Maggie smiles.
“Fine,” she says, reaching for the lo mein that Alex had been eating before Maggie arrived and leaning back against the couch with it. Alex narrows her eyes.
“I was eating that,” Alex says. Maggie smiles as she twirls noodles around the fork. She shoves them in her mouth.
“Not anymore,” she replies and Alex shakes her head. Luckily, she had the foresight to heat up more than one box. She picks up the fried rice and matches Maggie’s position. “Alright Danvers, what’s your gay education level?” Maggie says, turning her head so one of her cheeks is resting against the couch cushion, facing Alex. Alex mirrors her.
“What are you talking about?” Alex replies.
“I need to know what we’re starting with. Elementary, middle, high school level education on gay media? Clearly, you know the joys of Kristen Stewart,” Maggie teases and Alex wrinkles her nose. Of course she couldn’t get away without a comment.
“Preschool,” Alex replies and Maggie’s eyes widen.
“Are you saying you haven’t even seen one episode of The L Word?” Maggie says and Alex shakes her head against the cushion. Maggie smiles. “We have a lot of work to do, Danvers. Good thing you’re a quick study,” she adds and Alex grins.
“The remote’s on the table,” Alex says, her voice so low it’s nearly a whisper.
“Okay,” Maggie replies but she doesn’t move. Their eyes are locked on each others and Alex gets the overwhelming sense that this is where she belongs. Not necessarily in this apartment, or on this couch, but with Maggie. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Maggie feels safe.
The moment is broken when Rosalind Franklin lets out a loud meow from between them and Maggie finally lifts her head from the cushion. She pats Rosalind Franklin’s head. “I think she likes you more than me,” Alex replies. Maggie smirks.
“Better get used it, Danvers,” Maggie says and Alex’s jaw drops only slightly and she knocks Maggie lightly on the shoulder. “Come on, we’ve got six seasons of The L Word to get through. If we don’t start now, we won’t finish til next school year,” Maggie says and Alex smiles.
They’re barely a hand’s distance apart, Rosalind Franklin still squished between them, and Alex can’t quite believe that she started today so miserable and is ending it so….content.
Maybe Julia was right.
Life does have a way of working itself out.
-
Everything is back to normal the next day. Alex brings Maggie coffee in the parking lot and they chat before the bell for homeroom rings.
When the students see them together again, the giggling starts and Alex knows she’s going to be fielding questions about Maggie all day again.
She doesn’t mind.
She walks to Julia’s room during homeroom. She’s getting things organized and writing something on the board when she arrives. Alex knocks on the door before she steps in.
“Hi,” Julia says, sounding quite surprised. Alex smiles.
“Hi. I want to apologize for snapping yesterday. I took your advice and pulled my head out of my ass,” Alex says and Julia smiles. “Well, she came to me but I did most of the talking,” Alex clarifies and Julia laughs.
“Don’t worry, I totally get it. You don’t have to apologize. Nobody wants to talk all of the time,” Julia replies and Alex finds that she’s really, really quite grateful that Julia isn’t angry with her.
She’s starting to enjoy her company and Alex thinks she might need a friend that she doesn’t want to kiss all of the time.
“So, what happened?” Julia urges and Alex can’t stop the smile from spreading across her face.
“I just cleared the air. We’re on the same page now. Almost,” Alex says. “She still doesn’t know I have a crush on her, if you’re wondering,” Alex says, carefully. There’s a ball of tension in her stomach, made completely of fear that Julia is going to spit on her feet at the confession but it dissipates when she sees Julia’s eyes widen in excitement. She grips her hands in front of her, clearly trying to suppress a larger reaction.
“You do? Interesting,” Julia says, feigning disinterest and Alex smirks.
“You can be excited,” Alex says and Julia grins. She squeals, jumping up and down a single time.
“I knew it! I mean, I had a feeling - you look at her like Brady looks at me and you were so devastated when you two were fighting I just knew ,” Julia rambles and Alex is still smiling and she feels a warmth in her stomach.
She never really had a lot of friends. She stuck to Kara, mostly, so this is still relatively new for her.
Confessing all of this to Julia was a risk but it was one that she took after very carefully calculating the risk vs. reward. Throughout the past few days, Julia had proven that she wanted to be friends with Alex, wanted to know things about her and Alex felt like she needed to start getting more comfortable voicing her sexuality. It was a step, maybe a small one, but a step nonetheless.
“You can gloat later. I have to get back to my room,” Alex says and Julia looks at her contemplatively for a moment.
“Can I hug you?” Julia asks and Alex dips her head. She nods.
“Yes,” she says and Julia smiles, throwing her arms around Alex’s neck.
“Let’s get coffee after work. I can show you Brady’s bakery. He’ll give us free cake,” Julia says and really, how is Alex supposed to say no to free cake?
“Okay,” Alex says and Julia’s smile grows.
“Really?” Julia says and Alex nods.
“Yes, really,” Alex replies.
“Great! I’ll meet you at the end of the day,” Julia says and Alex nods.
She walks back to her classroom, a smile on her face.
It’s been a fast turn around but Alex wouldn’t have it any other way.
-
As expected, she has to deflect questions about the nature of her relationship with Maggie all day. Owen leads the charge, thoroughly convinced that Ms. Danvers and Ms. Sawyer are the perfect couple.
Alex knows it’s just idle childhood gossip but there’s still a bit of fear that settles in the pit of her stomach every time one of them asks. Just because she’s confronted her truth doesn’t mean she’s automatically unlearned all of the ways she used to suppress it.
Alex expects something to feel different, sitting in the lounge with Maggie and Julia, both of whom know .
But conversation passes as normal.
Life goes on, Alex realizes.
It’s a comfort, the normalcy of everything. The familiarity in Maggie’s smile, the predictability in Julia’s tendency to say the wrong thing.
The world doesn’t fall apart now that her secret is out there in it. It’s nice.
At the end of the day, Maggie stops in before field hockey practice. She hasn’t changed yet and Alex is thankful for that because if she had to see Maggie up close in a tank top, she might spontaneously combust. “Any plans tonight, Danvers?” Maggie asks, dragging her fingers across the top of one of the desks. Her eyes aren’t on Alex.
“I’m going to get coffee with Julia, actually,” Alex says and Maggie’s eyebrows rise. Her jaw clenches, maybe a little subtly, but Alex’s learned Maggie’s face well enough by now to notice the small changes. “I know. She’s been….a good friend. And her boyfriend makes amazing cookies,” Alex says and Maggie’s face seems to relax.
“Alright, enjoy yourself,” Maggie says, patting the desk with a flat palm before turning.
“Wait,” Alex says and Maggie pauses. “Did you want to hang out after? We only got through three episodes of The L Word last night,” Alex says and Maggie grins. She nods.
“Sure. I’ll bring the food,” Maggie says and Alex nods. With one last smile, Maggie walks out of the room and Alex knows her smile won’t fade.
Alex is putting papers in her bag when Julia walks in. “Ready?” she asks, bopping excitedly on the balls of her feet. Alex nods.
“I’ll follow you?” Alex says and Julia nods.
“It’s not far,” Julia affirms.
And she’s right. It’s barely a five minute car ride in the opposite direction that Alex normally drives to school. It’s a small little hole in the wall shop, the name Bluebell Bakery written in elegant script over the door. When they walk in, Alex is overwhelmed by the scent of baking bread. The inside is warm and Alex feels comforted almost immediately. Julia brushes past her and heads right to the counter. There’s a man standing there, putting cupcakes on a display. He has an apron wrapped around his waist and flour streaked across his cheek. His face lights up when he sees Julia. Hers does too and suddenly Alex feels as though she’s intruding on a private moment, despite the fact that it’s taking place in a public place. Julia leans across the counter and kisses Brady, bringing her hand up wipe the flour from his cheek. She grins. “Looks like you made a mess,” Julia says.
“Don’t go in the kitchen,” Brady replies, with a smile. “Red velvet and a cappuccino?” he asks and Julia nods.
“Read my mind,” she says. “Make it two though. I brought a friend,” she says, finally turning back to Alex. Brady turns his attention over to her, grinning and waving. Alex waves back.
He gets two cupcakes and two coffees ready and Alex watches Julia watch him. There’s a soft smile on her face and her eyes are bright and full of love. Alex’s heart twinges.
She wants that.
If she’s being honest, she wants that with Maggie but she can’t .
Maggie already has that with someone else. Bridget. A very beautiful, probably very sweet woman, and Alex could never imagine getting in between that.
It’s a sort of crushing realization, that she’s never going to have Maggie in the way that she wants.
Maybe there was part of her that was entertaining a possibility that she could be swept up in a grand romance, have that movie ending.
But that wasn’t ever going to happen.
Maggie wasn’t available She wasn’t hers to desire - not like this.
There’s tears that start to push at the back of her eyes and she’s saved from dealing with the embarrassment of crying in public when Julia walks over to her with a plate and Brady following behind her. “Are you okay?” Julia asks, her brow furrowing in concern. Alex nods.
“Yeah, great. I’m ready to try these cakes Julia’s been raving about,” Alex says and she swears Brady preens. They settle at a table and Brady rests a hand on Julia’s shoulder, leaning down to kiss her cheek.
“Let me know if there’s anything else I can get for you,” he says, mostly to Alex. “My treat,” he adds.
“He’s great,” Alex says when he walks away and Julia grins.
“I know. I’m really fucking lucky,” she says and Alex laughs, though it’s a little hollow.
“How’d you meet?” Alex asks and Julia lights up again.
“We met here. His mom opened this place decades ago and I’ve been coming in for coffee since I started working at the school. She passed last year and Brady took over. He used to be a football player, can you believe that? He turned down an opportunity to play in the NFL to run the bakery. He started giving me free croissants and I asked him out,” Julia says. Her smile is infectious and Alex finds herself feeling some secondhand happiness at Julia’s story.
“That’s very sweet,” Alex says, taking a bite of the cupcake. “Not as sweet as this,” she says through a mouthful of cake and frosting. Julia laughs. She turns her head back to the counter, where Brady is putting pastries in the display.
“I’m going to marry that man. I knew it the second I saw him,” she says and Alex can’t help but smile. “Anyway, let’s talk about Maggie,” Julia says and Alex smiles sardonically.
“There isn’t much to talk about. She still has a girlfriend,” Alex says, hoping her tone conveys that she really doesn’t want to talk about it much more. “What kind of frosting is this, it’s delicious,” Alex says and Julia shakes her head.
“Alright, change the subject, that’s fine. It’s peppermint cream cheese. I gained ten pounds trying variations of it before he perfected it,” Julia says with an affectionate eye roll.
They pass the time with small talk, from gossip about their students to little questions about where the other grew up. Their cupcakes are long finishes and their coffees are cold when Julia stands up and says, “I’m going to nip in the back and see what I can us to go,” Julia says and Alex has a feeling that’s just code for making out against the refrigerator.
She sits for a few moments at the empty table before she stands. She figures she might as well look around while she’s waiting. The display case is filled with everything from cakes, to pies, to donuts, to cannolis, to tortes. It’s all beautifully prepared and looks exquisite. Quite fairly priced as well.
“Anything I can get for you?” comes a voice from behind the counter. Alex looks up and sees nothing but a brilliant smile and warm eyes. The girl is wearing a similar apron to Brady, a name tag fixed on her chest that reads Audrey.
“No, I’m just looking,” Alex says. Audrey’s eyes don’t leave her and Alex feels a flush creep up on her cheeks.
“These just came out of the back, if you’re interested I can give you a sample,” Audrey says, pulling out a small donut. Alex smiles.
“Sure, thank you,” Alex says and Audrey hands a full donut over to her on top of a napkin. Well that’s….an interesting kind of free sample.
It’s then that Julia comes out of the back, two full boxes in her arms. Oh. She really did go get them something to go. Julia waves at Audrey, who smiles and wipes her palms against her apron. Julia gestures to the donut with her head. “Where’d you get that?” she asks and Alex smiles over at Audrey, who was still staring at her.
“Audrey gave me a sample,” Alex says and Julia raises an eyebrow.
“Okay,” she says, a little suspiciously. “Ready to go?” she says and Alex nods. She raises the donut in Audrey’s direction.
“Thanks again,” she says and Audrey grins, a faint red tint to her cheeks.
As they walk out of the shop, Julia looks over at Alex with a grin. “She was flirting with you,” Julia says and Alex scoffs.
“She was not,” she replies.
“Oh, she was. You’re talking to a girl who got wooed by free baked goods. She was flirting,” Julia says and Alex smiles.
Audrey was cute. She wasn’t Maggie but she had a really nice smile and maybe not Maggie is exactly what she needed in her life.
There’s butterflies in her stomach and she thinks that that’s mostly because she’s never really been outwardly hit on by a woman before. It’s a confidence booster to know that someone out there thought she was attractive.
Maybe finding a girlfriend wouldn’t be a totally hopeless endeavor after all. She might not be able to have Maggie but she could find someone who cared for her.
At her car, Julia hands her a box. “Assorted cupcakes. All delicious. I expect a full report on your favorite flavors by the end of the week,” Julia says and Alex smiles.
“Absolutely,” she says. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she adds before opening the passenger door and putting the box on the seat.
Alex eats another cupcake as soon as she gets home. Rosalind Franklin tries to eat the crumbs off the wrapper and Alex has to bat her nose away. “Not for cats,” she scolds.
Alex holds her phone in her hands, knowing that Maggie is waiting for her ‘ready when you are’ text but Alex doesn’t know if she’s ready to send it.
She’s never going to get Maggie.
Not the way she wants her.
And while having her as a friend is better than not having her at all, right now? Hanging out with her late at night, watching a show about women falling in love, feels a bit like teasing a hungry tiger with food out of his reach.
It hurts .
So with Rosalind Franklin on her lap, an open box of cupcakes to her left, she opens up her text thread with Maggie.
Alex: I’m feeling a little under the weather tonight. Raincheck?
Rosalind Franklin nuzzles her head against Alex’s hand. “You’re lucky cats don’t get crushes,” Alex says and Rosalind Franklin meows, as if in agreement.
Alex’s phone buzzes and she thinks about not checking it, just letting it be, but she can’t do that, as much as she wishes she could.
Maggie: of course. feel better!
Alex swallows.
She’s so fucked.