Chapter Text
Thursday 09/01 - 6:10 PM
How was it that I wasn't invited to the Christmas party? -Anderson
✓ Seen 6:11 PM
7:11 PM
Why, so you could lower everyone's IQ? I am certain you already achieved that throughout the pretentious text you so recently sent. -SH
7:15 PM
An explanation to the reason in which I wasn't invited -Anderson
Apparently there was a lot of hot people there -Anderson
All the more reason why I'm so confused as to which I wasn't invited -Anderson
Why humans today are so fascinated with the concept of someone's body temperature being higher than the usual average of 37°C, I'll never understand. - SH
And it's 'were'*, Anderson. It hurts to comprehend the shallowness of your being.
I already formerly disclosed the notion to which you weren't invited; this affair purely for those only of the highest intelligence. Inadvertently, the majority of the multitude appearing attractive.
At least that's what happened to be of discussion. I see past looks and find myself attracted to the mind, rather than how often a person eats. -SH
The Christmas gathering is of the past and will continue to exist in that form. Go back to being a sniffer dog. If you really wish to travel in time, go watch that ridiculous show with the blue box. John is strangely fond of it. -SH
7:16 PM
Your a complete prat. -Anderson
You're*. -SH
Look, Sherlock, I might not be the smartest apple on the tree, but I can't exactly help not being a total genius. Some of us aren't born with it, sorry. Also, Watson's really not that clever -Anderson
✓ Seen 7:16 PM
7:18 PM
You can at least attempt to conceal your shallow mannerisms and/or try harder to decrease your stupidity. Also, John is far cleverer than you could ever assimilate. He displays it in his own unique fashion. Are you capable of identifying each bone in the human body or leading a military attack in Afghanistan? -SH
Might I add, the problem with trying to offend me is that I have no care or consent for your word. -SH
7:20 PM
No, but I don't need to know whatever a skeleton's parts are called or how to lead people into a freaking battle. I'm a scientist, not a soldier. -Anderson
I can identify 20 different types of glass fractures and how they're caused, the effects of sunlight on a corpses' skin, ballistic markings, and I know the periodic table off by heart. -Anderson
I'm not as thick as you might think. I know some things. -Anderosn
*Anderson
7:21PM
Really? And yet you cannot even spell your own name correctly? -SH
You may not possess the traits and abilities of a soldier, and John perhaps not that of a forensic scientist, though I know if you were to switch positions, John would achieve far greater than you ever could. Can you even throw a punch? -SH
Whatever, Sherlock. And it's called 'my fingers are way too big for the keys on this phone'. Have you even seen my hands? -Anderson
7:22 PM
Yes. What does that have to do with anything? -SH
✓ Seen 7:22 PM
7:25 PM
The size of my dick ;) -Anderson
✓ Seen 7:25 PM
7:26 PM
I fear for humanity. -SH
You should. -Anderson
Regardless, my hands are larger in span, width and length, thus being more difficult for myself to type. Yet I still manage to spell correctly. -SH
Well I can also spell acurately. -Anderson
✓ Seen 7:27 PM
7:29 PM
Oh, the irony. -SH
We have different phones, you know. Mine has smaller keys. We're both men here. At least I hope so. -Anderson
Want to find out? -SH
Sure. -Anderson
7:30 PM
Good God, Anderson. -SH
Nevertheless, you possessing a mobile with keys supposedly too small for your lady-like fingers, even if you are of the male sex, and I owning a phone of average size with large hands suggests we are equal in our difficulties. Yet I continue to achieve far greater in my command of the English language. -SH
7:31 PM
I do not have 'lady-like' fingers! -Anderson
Yes, you do. Really. -SH
Why the heck are we arguing about spelling anyways? -Anderson
God knows. Do you see what I mean by 'lowering the IQ of those around you'? -SH
IQ isn't infectious, Sherlock. I think you're the idiot here. -Anderson
7:32 PM
Actually, studies have shown it is. Those you choose to spend time with tend to either be brought up or perhaps down in their IQ depending on how quick their significant other is. Ever heard the phrase, 'success breeds success'? -SH
Well then I suppose I'm still right, considering I'm not your 'significant other'. -Anderson
True, but if we ever became more than friends, what I listed above is plausible. -SH
So chances are, I'd bring you up to average, you'd bring me down to average. We'd both be average. And where is the fun in that? Actually, forget that. I would stay the same. You're too stupid to even bring me down to average, for God's sake. -SH
7:33 PM
How does it feel to never have had sex? -Anderson
✓ Seen 7:33 PM
7:34 PM
I do not discuss these matters with delinquents such as yourself. -SH
How does it feel, Sherlock, to know nobody has ever wanted to go that far with you? -Anderson
Oh, they have wanted it. I am always the one who has to say no. Isn't it terrible, the way the body feels the need to so frequently reproduce? -SH
7:35 PM
Oh really? So who have these people been? -Anderson
People who barely know you? Randoms off the street? -Anderson
Let's face it- no one who knows you would ever want to have sex with you. -Anderson
That is absolutely none of your business. But by your keen interest in the subject I can see you wish to become one of them. -SH
✓ Seen 7:35 PM
7:36 PM
WHAT? The reason I brought it up is because it's one of your flaws. -Anderson
Ha, you should be telling yourself this. It would take me at least half an hour to deduce every imperfection of your sex life, which mainly consists of infidelity. Simply cast a glance at yourself and Donovan. How long has the affair existed now? 2 years, 5 months and 3 days, is it? Perhaps it's time to give your wife a call. How you even achieved marriage is beyond me. Though I wouldn't exactly describe it as an achievement, of sorts.-SH
✓ Seen 7:36 PM
7:38 PM
30 minutes isn't long. -Anderson
That's fucking creepy. Why would you even want to know how long we have been together? -Anderson
I am capable of deducing the deepest and most carefully guarded secrets of a subject's life within 2 minutes, if not on sight. 30 minutes is an excruciatingly long length of time needed to deduce so little. -SH
Ah, so you admit it then. -SH
7:39 PM
A 'subject's' life? You can't even acknowledge people as... people! -Anderson
It's kind of obvious you already know and that nothing's going to change that for you. My last point was that no one likes you. No one wants sex with you. You're alone and always will be. -Anderson
Sex is dull regardless. -SH
You do realise I live with a flatmate?
Flat: Living Quarters.
Mate: Friend.
Hence the word, 'flatmate'. -SH
7:40 PM
Everyone wants sex. Everyone has a sex drive, apart from little old ladies and men. -Anderson
How do you even know it's dull if you never tried it? -Anderson
That's not an offer, by the way. -Anderson
I merely choose to practice abstinence. Look up the meaning in a dictionary; if you even know what that is. -SH
Oh and it's absurd that you need to engage in something before you can formulate an opinion on the matter. Some believe sport is dull when they probably haven't even kicked a ball or ran a mile in their life. -SH
Suggesting it was not an offer gives me reason to believe you were thinking about it. -SH
I brang it up because it makes you feel uncomfortable when you diss someone over one of their flaws. I wanted to make you feel what it was like. -Anderson
Holding grudges and attempting to hurt someone else only ends up hurting the assailant. In this case, it's yourself. -SH
Brang is not a word. The word you needed - probably still do - was 'brought'. -SH
✓ Seen 7:40PM
7:42 PM
Who cares. -Anderson
I do. -SH
7:43 PM
And guess what. It doesn't matter, because this isn't fucking english class. -Anderon
*Anderson
There is no need to butcher the English language. You have already caused too much unnecessary harm. –SH
Honestly? You learn to spell your own name before school. -SH
Yeah, guess that doesn't happen with you because you're so up yourself you think you win even though you've lost. -Anderson
And swearing now? That's a sign of a low vocabulary. -SH
7:44 PM
Interesting. Did you know that I don't care? -Anderson
Finally, you're learning. Caring is a liability. -SH
NOT EVERYONE needs to be as smart as you, Sherlock. Not everyone wants to be. -Anderon
Lord have mercy, do I need to send you back to kindergarten so you can relearn to spell your own name correctly? -SH
And that is your opinion, in which I previously explained, I have no care for. -SH
7:45 PM
Yeah, sure, send me back to kindergarten. -Anderson
While you're at it, maybe you can come with me and learn about how to not be a complete and utter ass. Also manners -Anderson
West Sussex Kindergarten, wasn't it? -SH
✓ Seen 7:45PM
7:47 PM
How the hell did you know that. -Anderson
Are you stalking me? -Anderson
Oh, and to your previous comment, on a daily basis, you will not gain anything by masquerading your feelings towards a matter. You do not want to live your life as a lie, trying to impress people who will potentially believe that lie, and thus continue it in that form. If that's who you are, that's who you are. For me, manners are a complete and utter waste of time. -SH
7: 48 PM
I actually feel sorry for you. -Anderson
You also asked how I knew your kindergarten? Dud iced it by the soil on your shoes last week. You visited your nephew, and being your sister's brother, you would have went to the same kindergarten. It's obvious she would have sent her son to the same place she, and thus you went. Humans: far too sentimental. -SH
Deduced it*. -SH
7:49 PM
Dud iced? Seems like I'm not the only one who needs to relearn how to spell things. -Anderson
At least I can correct my spelling mistakes. -SH
There's no point. -Anderson
Auto-correct, in case you were wondering. The darn phone won't allow me to turn it off. -SH
And a luddite too. -Anderson
✓ Seen 7:50PM
8:01 PM
Still there? Or have you fallen asleep? -SH
✓ Seen 8:03 PM
8:03 PM
Yes. I am tired though. -Adnerson
Anderson*.
It's only eight? -SH
I tend not to sleep. -SH
Big night, last night was. -A
Of course you don't. You're probably not even human. -A
Getting lazy now, A? -SH
Yes, I'm part Timelord. What do you think I am? From Raxacoricofallapatorius? A Na'vi from that ridiculous Avatar movie? -SH
8:04 PM
That's really specific. Do you fancy yourself as an avatar, Sherlock? You've certainly got the alien bit about you. -A
Being an extra-terrestrial would mean I wouldn't have to suffer through listening to your incompetence. So, yes. I do 'fancy' myself as one. -SH
How would it mean you wouldn't have to listen to me? Aliens can still hear me, you know. -A
Obviously I'd exist on a different planet. I wouldn't even know you. -SH
Then I'll come on the human's ship and find you in the jungle swinging from the trees like a crazed monkey. -A
Perhaps I would have the fortune of you exterminating my being at first sight. Putting me out of the misery I'd inhabit when discovering your insufferable existence. Though for I to kill you would be a far greater privilege. -SH
8:05 PM
Wait, are you an actual alien or just an avatar? -A
Whatever you want. As long as I'm on a planet far from yours. -SH
Right, well I'm an avatar. Guess you're the native. -A
Who would your navi wife be then? Every navi has a partner. -A
Who would you link ponytails with??? -A
It is not of your concern who my partner would be. By any means, I'm certain it would be a liability to even have one. -SH
Whoever said that the marriage needed to be with that of a woman? -SH
Wasn't there something about how everyone gets to choose a wife or something in the movie? -A
So you'd be a homo navi. Nice. -A
8:06 PM
The gender of my partner is irrelevant as I'd be isolated from the rest of the race. A hermit native, I suppose you'd call me. Someone who does not risk living with others as they are unbelievably problematic. You witnessed the havoc the humans brought to their home? The huge tree? I'd survive far from the mass destruction, guaranteeing my own safety as a Na'vi. Of course John would be with me as well. I'd need someone to make the tea. -SH
Who said John was a navi? -A
Who didn't? -SH
You need to ask him. You can't just say he's an alien. -A
Perhaps he was in fact an Avatar, but cleverly decided living with me (and free of you) was a much more suitable lifestyle, so he permanently switched bodies. Similar to Jake and Natari's situation, I believe. -SH
So you want to get with John in alien form? I knew you two were shagging. -A
✓ Seen 8:06PM
8:09 PM
Why the hell are we even having this conversation? This is utterly ridiculous. It seems that for the IQ of a conversation to be decreased, the second contributor does not need to be a significant other after all. -SH
I thought it was quite insightful. -A
Says the idiot. -SH
Says the person who continued on with the 'idiot's' conversation instead of stopping it. -A
In fact, I think you started this! -A
Fortunately I did end it before we both lost our minds. Yes, I started it; the most probable reason why it continued for such a great length of time. -SH
✓ Seen 8:09 PM
8:11 PM
I would sneak up behind you and link ponytails just to create an inseparable bond between us just to annoy you. -A
So in other words, you're saying that you'd want to engage in sexual intercourse with me? -SH
That's not sex, idiot. -A
If it was sex then the aliens would be having sex with those dinosaur thingies they ride and the horses. Ew. -A
8:12 PM
I'm terribly sorry to be the one to break this to you, but in their world, that is how you 'make love'. Though the Na’vi don’t reproduce with this method, it has been known to be an erotic experience you don’t simply share with anyone. -SH
The bond created between the Na'vi and the animal is completely different. -SH
Though it's your perfect world. You wouldn't mind having sex with a dinosaur, would you? -SH
What? Are you kidding me? -A
And where did that come from? -A
Anderson, it's plainly obvious you have a strong liking towards creatures from the pre-historic time. -SH
✓ Seen 8:12 PM
8:14 PM
Just like you're interested in dismembered body parts, but you still don't want to have with them. I hope. -A
No, I do not hunger to 'have with them'. Though you on the other hand (pun intended); you frequently masturbate to the images of dinosaurs. -SH
✓ Seen 8:14 PM
8:18 PM
What the fuck? I do not. That's creepy. Stop ruining my hobby. -A
Your hobby of getting off with a dinosaur? -SH
NO -A
It would appear everyone has their strange hobbies. John likes to pretend he is a hobbit being taken to Isengard. And before that, in a search of treasure guarded by a dragon with extremely similar vocal chords to mine. -SH
Oh really? Then what's your strange hobby? -A
Solving crimes, obviously. -SH
✓ Seen 8:18 PM
8:19 PM
You know that's not what I meant. -A
Quadruple-Homicides, etc. -SH
Ok, so killing people. Knew it. -A
8:20 PM
No, solving quadruple-homicides. Read into the context, please. -SH
Though if you really wish to be enlightened... No, I won't tell you. Not yet. -SH
✓ Seen 8:20 PM
8:22 PM
Not yet? Do I have to go through long and challenging trials before I can know? -A
Yes. -SH
Hmm. -A
Like what? -A
Simply gain my trust. -SH
8:23 PM
How? -A
That is something that cannot be taught. I cannot tell you how. You must decide that for yourself. -SH
I guess you want this to be kept a secret? I promise not to tell anyone. -A
Ahem. I cannot believe you'll keep that promise until I have gained the necessary trust I require of you. -SH
For an obvious example, you could become considerate. Like John. -SH
✓ Seen 8:23 PM
8:24 PM
Considerate? How have I not been considerate? -A
Oh, I don't know. Perhaps you should reread our previous thread of texts? -SH
You've been way more less considerate than me. -A
If you believe that is considerate, then there is something very, deeply wrong infecting the innermost parts of your mind. -SH
I 'm not changing my attitude towards you until you do the same. It's only fair. -A
✓ Seen 8:24 PM
8: 26 PM
True, but that is not the point. You are the one attempting to gain my trust. Not the other way around. -SH
Still not going to change until you do too. -A
How about a compromise? Come over to the flat. For one entire hour, beginning when you arrive, we will both attempt the act of being kind and considerate towards one another. For this does not include the changing of personal morals or beliefs. We still have our rights. -SH
✓ Seen 8:27 PM
8: 31 PM
Are you serious? -A
✓ Seen 8:32 PM
8: 33 PM
When am I not? -SH
When you're saying that I get off from dinosaurs. -A
But you do. -SH
Just no. -A
Hm, and when you're talking about how you'd rather be a blue alien on another planet. -A
8: 34 PM
Dull. What is your point? -SH
That you're not serious all the time. But I guess I could come over. -A
✓ Seen 8:36 PM
8:37 PM
Firstly, you do get off with dinosaurs (look at your right hand), and secondly, if I could, I would become an E.T. (depending on the species, of course). It would make for an interesting experiment. -SH
✓ Seen 8:37 PM
8:40 PM
God, I DO NOT. But I'll never convince you otherwise, so I give up. -A
Yes, come over. Meet me here in roughly half an hour. It should be 9:14PM by the time you arrive, but of course you'll come later now, just to prove I timed your journey's travel time incorrectly. -SH
Yes, I suggest you do give up. After all that is one thing you are superior at. -SH
As soon as you step through the door, our deal will begin. -SH
I'll time it on my phone. Precisely one hour. No more, no less. -SH
✓ Seen 8:40 PM
8:42 PM
Precisely? What if there's traffic? -A
You'll see. -SH
Fine. -A