No, look closely, I think that's awesome - and really helpful. (I missed out on most of my schooling and learnt spelling and grammar afterwards - this story is partly an effort to improve my use of words to convey meaning, rather than just put them in the correct order.)
Incidentally, my pre-war Cybertron has a senate, and functionist council, miners being thrown out of their jobs (in some states- Vos uses penal labourers because automation needs a high capital...), and an Energon shortage. In about 5 chapters it will also have the Decepticons starting to raise. I guess it's AU because Megatron doesn't write poetry.
In this story everyone fights over Starscream, and until near the end nobody tells him what's going on. It's 'The Bid Secret,' and once he stops freaking out about the possibility of capital punishment he'll be really pissed off that nobody will tell him what's going on. As for his speculation, I did try to make that clear, but I don't know how well it comes across;
From chapter one (noting that much of this was italicised thoughts); “Please, they're bigots, not conspirators.” Said Starscream, snidely. “Iacon’s legal system is a moronic joke. My conviction was a forgone conclusion regardless of whatever anyone was ‘adamant’ about.” There hasn't been an Emir since the last winglord, over a hundred vorns ago. How invested in my destruction are the Science Council that the government of Vos needs to take such extreme measures to extract me? ...And why would Vos bother? “So tell me, please, what I did to deserve this exceptional treatment?” “Don’t underestimate your value, Starscream. Highest recorded academic scores at the War Academy? First of your frame-type to be admitted to the Iacon Science Academy? Is it really such a surprise that somebody thinks you could be an asset?” Yes! Being brilliant never made a difference before, thought Starscream cynically; but his wings perked up.
Nothing is as good a teacher as simply doing it :)
AH, it's good to know that your AU shares those traits with the canon :) Hehehe, in a sense, every single fanfic is AU, but most of the time AU is a term used for universes SO out of order that they completely derail from the canon at one point or another. For example, the Decepticons are the ones to build alliances with the humans, or they don't go into stasis for a few million years after crashing into earth, or they fight it out in space instead of on a planet. Or, the mermaid Universes of course :)
Ahhh, well, you just made the story about 100% more interesting to me. It would probably do you well to put that ' everyone fights over starscream bu nobody tells him why' in the summary. It piques my interest, because it implies mystery and secrets.
As for the sections you highlighted;
You examples are clear, but there are no hints as to the overall situation ( or how Starscream sees it) Is he aware of the energon shortage? Is he aware of how the lower castes are suffering? Does he know the political standings? As he states ' being birlliant never made a difference before', so what has changed? Starscream is one to take opportunities of course, but he has his own plans. I don't know what he wants, but maybe he wants to go back to prove his innocence and bring back Skyfire? Maybe he wants to go into politics? Maybe he wants to go back into science? Of course, the people fighting over him have different plans - at least that's what I'm guessing.
Not everything is clear yet. Starscream's fear of capital punishment did not register with me when reading the first chapter, and the second chapter was a little disoriented because it was a 'new start' that had no tie-backs to Starscream for as far as I noticed. Granted, this could also have been because I was not reading with optimal attention, because I couldn't figure out what the fanfic was about and why I had subscribed to it - until I revisited the first chapter and then said ".... this was prewar? Huh. must've misread when i first read!"
Erm I sure hope this is helpful. I don't have as clear a view as you do, and most of what I'm saying is immediate impressions or the things that I remember from reading these first two chapters :)
Summary added. I hope Ao3 doesn't send out a notice every time that I edit...
"When Starscream returns to Cybertron without Skyfire, only to find himself accused of murder, it looks like capital punishment might get the better of him. For no apparent reason, people in high places come to the rescue and, (quite aside from being glad he isn't dead yet) Starscream wants to know why.
He always knew he was unique. Suddenly the focus of an unknown number of agencies and powers, Starscream will learn why being one of a kind isn't always a good thing."
As for Starscream... he was in prison, soon he will be out of prison, and it all surprised him too much for him to have formed any solid feelings about the situation beyond "not being in prison is a good thing." I've got another chapter or so of Thundercracker and Skyway (aka. Skywarp), and then it's back to Starscream. It'll take some effort because he's a dodgy narrator who sees everything in a warped (and usually self aggrandizing) way. If I let his personality run the show I end up with; "Starscream looked amazingly fantastic, as usual, and everybody knew it, even if they didn't want to admit it because they were clearly so jealous."
Good! I know for a fact that only new chapters are sent out as alerts. I did not get an alert when you updates, so we're probably fine ^^
That summary feels a lot better, and gives a better idea as to what your AU actually entails! I like it!
Haha! Yes, Starscream's inner monologue would probably be a litle like that, though a bit more derogatory to others. I've often felt that Starscream tries to elevate himself above others by belittling them - like he tries so often with Megatron ^^
I'm looking forward to it, and I am very interested to see where this goes!
Also, I do get notifications when you edit a comment, but i can't really find what you changed. Anything important?
Also, sorry that I say this so late; but I hadn't caught on that Skyway was Skywarp. Probably shoddy reading on my part.
Zatnik (Guest)
on Chapter 2
Mon 30
Mar 201503:51PM UTC
Hahaha, nothing important. I changed a 'to' to a 'too' ...
Skyway is Skywarp, but it isn't stated... It's just not something I'm trying to hide. He becomes Skywarp later in the story, but for the moment he's just a young guy without prospects or special abilities. I considered Skyward as a name, but thought it was a little too similar.
I've drafted a summary of Starscream's activities prior to what happened in chapter one. I'll see if I can edit it in after work tomorrow (it's nearly midnight here). Maybe it will make things clearer for people reading through, (unfortunately at the cost of Starscream being even more self pitying in his first appearance).
Well, a lot of names are similar, I think you could've gotten away with Skyward, but I can see why you thought it was too similar.
I didn't find Starscream at all that self-pitying in teh first chapter. Maybe bitter and crude, but he was not just sitting around feeling sorry for himself. He was pretty intent on making a statement, wasn't he ?
Sleep well, I stil have some hours to go before it's evening here :)
Woo, I edited the start of the first chapter, hopefully it makes more sense now!
I added/edited this;
He wasn’t in space, he was in Iacon Penitentiary. Actual gaol. At least that explained the dream. He'd been on a scientific expedition with his mentor, Skyfire, working towards his post-graduate qualifications - but disaster struck and he'd returned alone, his mentor lost somewhere in the polar ice of a distant planet. Low on fuel and without Skyfire's engines (rated for long distance space travel) it had taken almost a vorn to make it home. Nearly a third of his life. Now he was in a cell. It was beyond unfair; he didn't even have a word for what it was.
The first thing that Starscream had done upon returning to Cybertron was to refuel. Real liquid energon - at a bar. Unfortunately when he tried to pay for it his student credit line was declined. The barkeep been surprisingly understanding about the situation, having Starscream thrown out into the street rather than arrested.
He'd headed to Iacon Science Academy, because his dormatory had long since been occupied by other students. After a few rounds of "Starscream! You're alive! ...Where's Skyfire?" people had started to stare and whisper. This in itself was nothing new, but in no state of mind to deal with it, he'd cleared out his locker and all his research. This (apparently) was theft, since he'd created it using Academy resources. He'd been arrested - but not for the theft. They actually believed he'd killed Skyfire; when he'd nearly died trying to rescue him; when it was the university who wouldn't spare the funds to mount a search party!
Helpful? I will probably read it later and hate it. (Don't say 'who is "they?"' - Starscream is using it to mean "all those bastards who aren't me.")
Comment on Warped Minds
Zatnik on Chapter 2 Mon 30 Mar 2015 12:57PM UTC
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Insecuriosity on Chapter 2 Mon 30 Mar 2015 01:10PM UTC
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Zatnik on Chapter 2 Mon 30 Mar 2015 02:21PM UTC
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Insecuriosity on Chapter 2 Mon 30 Mar 2015 02:24PM UTC
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Zatnik (Guest) on Chapter 2 Mon 30 Mar 2015 03:51PM UTC
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Insecuriosity on Chapter 2 Mon 30 Mar 2015 03:55PM UTC
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Zatnik on Chapter 2 Tue 31 Mar 2015 12:03PM UTC
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Insecuriosity on Chapter 2 Tue 31 Mar 2015 12:26PM UTC
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