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A recording by Samuel Lutz found in Arcadia:

What a day we had! But who'd ever think a child could get scared of trees? I sure as hell didn't!

My only thought was to get Mariska and little Masha out of Arcadia before they kick us out for disturbing people.

Then that funny-faced toon, Wakko, of all people, comes up to us! Little fella gives Masha a tap on the shoulder, asking 'why so sad?'

She gestures toward the trees, and next thing I know, Wakko's reving a chainsaw, and is charging at the biggest tree with a battle cry.

Some people came to stop him before he could hack up the tree, so he starts wrestling with a fallen branch.

*Chuckling*

Mariska wanted to get out of there before they accused us of something, but Masha? She was laughing her little head off! At my next payday, I'm going to buy her the biggest Wakko doll I can find!

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A recording by Anna Culpepper, found in Fort Frolic:

We've all heard the rumors, but Jasmine was able to tell me the true facts. Cohen does have a pet! But, it's not a monkey, it's a toon!

What kind of sick person would give that man a toon?

According to Jasmine, at first Cohen had the little guy acting as his personal assistant. Then, one of Cohen's disciples, Fitzpatrick, I believe, was bullying the poor thing over not being funny, or some such. Fed up, the toon marches over to the new piano and performs Cohen's Scherzo #7, flawlessly. Or at the very least, better than Fitzpatrick ever could. I've seen the sheet music, I didn't think you could play it with 10 fingers, let alone 8.

Anyway, it made Cohen weep tears of joy, and now whenever the disciples fail to meet his exacting standards, he brings out the toon to 'show them how it's done'.

Poor little creature.

Jasmine wants Ryan to do something about it, but I told her she'd just be wasting her time.

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A 1959 Recording by Suresh Sheti, found in Mercury Suites:

Today I was approached by a Creature Born of the Mighty Pen. He was seeking to reunite with the mind that cries out for him within Fort Frolic.

I told him I could get him to Fort Frolic, but I warned him he would be in danger of meeting the same fate as the one he so desperately seeks.

Alas, his mind was resolute.

After receiving a most generous supply of Eve, I escorted the little jewel to a pneumo tube, and mailed him to the Theater!

Ha Ha!

The Pen truly is Mightier than the Sword, for it has No Limitation!

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An Audio Diary by Sander Cohen, found in the Atrium of Fort Frolic,

To my darling disciples: I was listening to some birdsong the other day when my ear was caught by a particular chirp. 

Do you know what this little birdie told me? 

The chirp-chirp said that somebody is gathering and soliciting a concentrated form of turpentine around the Fort!

Now, I have absolute faith that my Dear Darling Men would never partake in a thing so sordid. Especially knowing that a certain member of our company is, shall we say, sensitive to paint thinners.  

We wouldn't want there to be any accidents now would we? No of course we would not! So I expect the 4 of you to be good boys and uncover the scoundrels responsible and bring them to me for an apology. It is their only chance for forgiveness.

And of course, I expect the product to be destroyed. Any way you like, but fire would be the best means. After all, there is no need for such a chemical now, is there?

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An Audio Diary by Jasmine Jolene, found in Eve's Garden:

Last night Mister Cohen sent me a message saying he had a job for me.

I was so excited! I thought he was finally gonna give me my Big Break!

*Sigh*

He had a job for me, alright. Mr. Cohen told me he was buying my services to reward his 'little pet'. Another day, another dollar. I just prayed he didn't mean that pig Rodriguez.

He brought my new client over later that evening. I was shocked to see him pulling the arm of a confused looking toon child!

Before me or the kid could process what was happening, Cohen tossed the boy into my arms, shouted 'have fun', and left us to it!

Poor Yakko was a stuttering, blushing mess, mumbling things like 'I'm sorry- this wasn't my idea- he didn't tell me what was happening!'

Well I admit, I didn't know what to do right then. Mister Ryan says we are free from petty morality b-but some things are still just plain wrong. I-I wanted to run after Cohen and yell at him but... ohhhh but my livelihood and reputation!

I looked at Yakko, who seemed so sad and so frightened and I wondered to myself: Is it so wrong to be paid for being a friend?

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An Audio Diary by Chief Sullivan, found in Neptune's Bounty:

First rule when dealing with toons is to never ask a silly question.

And I mean a question like, 'can you empty your gag bag because I gotta check for contraband'.

The short answer is No, you cannot empty a gag bag.

I did not get the short answer.

At least I made it out with my sanity intact. Eh, It'll be a funny story later. I just told the kid what was considered contraband, and if he ever finds any to put it in the bag and keep it there.

I have no clue what Ryan was thinking with that order. Are we treating Little Wakko as a liability now?

He's the last bastion of genuine entertainment in this city. Not only is his stuff actually entertaining, he's the only entertainment source that ain't swimming in Ryan's propaganda!

You make him out to be the enemy, the public won't stand for it. Look, I don't have a goddamn clue how that bag works, but it shouldn't matter. That stuff's about making people laugh, not being a source of convenience!

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An Audio Diary by Kyle Fitzpatrick, found in Poseidon Plaza:

"No Gods or Kings, only Man."

That's what I was promised when I came down here. I didn't bust my back in music to come in second to a fucking toon!

'Stead of being funny it does nothing but humiliate me in front of Mr. Cohen. Now it's got Mr. Cohen wrapped around his lil' finger, got Mr. Cohen believing it's the only one that can give him what he wants.

And then there's that fucking song!

You Belong To Me - HA

I'll show 'em! I'll prove to Mr. Cohen that I got what it takes.

Me and the boys, we got plans for that ink stain. ADAM ain't the only wonder drug in this town! And when we're through with it, when I'm through with it, Mr. Cohen will see it for the useless piece of shit it is!

Then I'll be the Songbird.

Soon as the little freak steps outta Eve's Garden...

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An Audio Diary by Carlson Fiddle, found in Ryan Amusements:

I'll tell you why we had to close down Journey to the Surface, Mr. Ryan. It's 'cause of Wakko. Yes, you heard me right, Wakko the Toon.

Last week, I got a call from Wakko's manager, don't recall her name, announcing they were going to film the next cartoon in Ryan Amusements.

I thought 'Ca-ching!'

I leaked the news and we had the biggest park attendency I ever seen! People were fighting each other to get into the park!

Anyway, we had the crowd packed in like sardines, and the manager forces me to sign this contract making us liable for any property damage caused by Wakko. I had to do it. They'd have cancelled otherwise and taken all our profits.

So Wakko set off exploring the park, the crowd followed him close behind. He cleaned out the restaurant, went through the exhibits, occassionally zany but all good fun.

There was one hiccup where Wakko attacked our clown, but no serious harm was done.

Then came the moment we've all been waiting for: Wakko's ride on Journey to the Surface. I didn't permit any film crew on the ride. Instead, they were posted at the exit to film Wakko's reaction.

Things got weird when his cart came out, empty! The manager started screaming at me to shut down the ride, but maintenance had lost control. The kids on the next cart came out fine, giggling even. More and more people were boarding the ride and leaving it laughing.

Enventually, the manager, a cameraman, and I board the ride and...

Snrrk

I'm sorry Mr. Ryan, but no amount of hard work will ever be enough to salvage the ride's reputation.

Maybe, we can replace it with a Wakko ride?

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An Audio Diary by Masha Lutz, found in Arcadia:

Dear Audio Diary,

When Mama said we don't have much money to spare, I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to give Wakko a present for Valentine's Day 1958. I thought maybe I could give him my Wakko doll, but that did seem a little silly.

But yesterday, when I was taking Little Wakko for a walk around the Free Clinic, we found something amazing. I was asking Little Wakko what I should do when we saw it. The little yellow flower that had fallen out of the trash. When I went to get a better look, I saw it a bit dirty, but still pretty. I couldn't give Wakko a dirty present, so I took it home and cleaned it up.

This morning, I was so excited when we got to Arcadia! The... trees didn't scare me. Not one bit. I went up all by myself to show the doorman my invitation. But then Ms. C stopped me. She acts like she is Wakko's mama; but she isn't, Wakko told me so. Ms. C wanted me to hand over Wakko's present. I showed it, but didn't let her take it. She was getting mad so I "Mashed" her with words! I said "only par-sites take things!" That got her to stop. She didn't let me go until I read her the letters stitched on the back of the flower. I told her they were "P A C L F B F B B III." Then she said "oh, that's fine then," and let me go see Wakko.

I gave Wakko the flower saying "Happy Valentine's Day!" And he looked at it like it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen! When I started to tell him about Ms. C and the letters, he gave me a big hug and... he KISSED MY CHEEK! We ran and played together all over Arcadia. It was the BEST DAY EVER!

Before I had to go home, Wakko told me a secret. I'm never gonna tell, but I know what those letters mean now and that mean lady won't be bossing him around for much longer.

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An Audio Diary by Mlle Blanche de Glace, found in Mercury Suites:

You wish to know of my experience working with Petite Wakko?

It was unexpectedly exhilarating!

Many who work in the theater speak of the garcon anime with terror. He is known as the Petite Bete of the Theater that can only be tamed by his handler. That is what the others say.

When he met moi for the first time, he greeted me as though I were a nurse. I found this odd, but from that moment on, he acted like a little lovesick puppy in my presence. Such a darling little boy! Heehee, I believe I even made the handler jealous!

For all his reputation as un esprit du chaos, when he calms, you find out he is a creature most sweet and endearing, who wants nothing but to play.

But I can see even more. It breaks my heart that only I can see the deep sorrow and loneliness that hides behind those painted eyes. I admit it would have escaped even my notice, but I saw the crack in his facade as he watched a family at play.

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I am Wakko the Toon. And I'm here to ask you a question:

Is a guy not entitled to his own perspiration?

"No!" says the weatherman, "it belongs to the water cycle."

"Noooo!" says the cleaning lady, "it belongs in the laundry."

"No." says the jogger, "it belongs on the sweat bands."

Well, I don't care much for people telling me to take a bath or use deodorant. If you feel the same way, swim on down to...

drum roll please! Bddddddddddddddd

rrrrrRAPTURE!

The city where the statue need not fear the bird droppings,

where the event planner need not fear rain-checks,

where the 1%er need not fear the IRS!

And with the strength of your B.O., Rapture can become your city too!

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Kyle Fitzpatrick, Martin Finnegan, Silas Cobb, and Hector Rodriguez,

There comes a time when the artist must look back at his accomplishments and acknowledge the ones that were failures.

You may recollect my insistence that failure is never an option. Try and try again?

But today I was reminded of an irrefutable truth: some investments result in bountiful wealth, and others amount to nothing but fucking wasted time and money.

Few can survive the crushing disappointment that comes when your investments amount to nothing. But the artist must prevail. Just as I did against the tasteless masses of New York, so I shall now.

For you see, it was my dream that my disciples would take up my mantle when I become dust. Through the five of you, my name and teachings would live on, forever. But I am here to inform you all that dream is now dead.

Much of it is due to my own frailty. It pains me to admit, but even I am not immune to poor judgment. Perhaps I was so enraptured by the aesthetic, that I failed to notice that it was lacking beneath the surface. But glass diamonds shatter next to a true diamond in the rough.

Yet, I kept my faith in the potential you four shared. I would test you, and no matter if you shined like galaxies or burned like a moth to the flame, I was your captive audience.

Never a disappointment to be found.... UNTIL NOW!

DID I NOT WARN YOU THAT YOU HAD ONLY ONE CHANCE FOR FORGIVENESS?
AND INSTEAD YOU COME RUNNING TO ME CLAIMING YOU WERE UNABLE TO STOP THE VAGRANTS FROM...

DO YOU THINK I'M A FUCKING IDIOT!?

All of you wanted to pin the blame on my wayward little Bird, hmm?

How shamefully juvenile. Yes, my little Songbird knew better than to leave the sanctuary of his prison, but the Master can only blame himself for not properly clipping the birdie's wings. But lamentations won't restore my sweet little Bird.

So I will settle for flaying the cats.

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Audio Diary by Dr. Yi Suchong, found in Suchong's Clinic:

Suchong has been given a most interesting commission.

Commission is silly: discover means to permanently modify memory and behavior of a Cartoonus Characterus.

Bullshit! Suchong had thought, could only be stupid prank.

Then Suchong sees sedated subject for himself. It is one of those... sketches come to life, female.

Hmmm, Suchong still views commission as waste of time, but... Suchong cannot deny he is curious.

This is a rather unique opportunity. These sketches are said to be indestructible and... able to break the laws of physics at will.

Nonsense, that something so small could be so dangerous. Yet, these abilities are insisted to be fact. If the potential is there... yeeessss, Suchong sees the possibilities. He will take on this commission.

Commission came with special product to tranquilize subject, but advised to use sparingly as supply is limited. Thus, Suchong's first order of business will be to seek alternate means to restrain the subject. Perhaps those sea slugs may offer a solution.

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An Audio Diary by Brigid Tenenbaum, found in Suchong's Clinic,

I'd only just begun to uncover the full potential of ADAM, when Suchong introduced me to yet another miraculous substance. He showed me the subject of his commission, I thought it was an odd looking dog, but it was a living Zeichentrickfigur! With his permission, I took a large sample of her ink for study.

This ink behaves as if it were alive! By what appears to be it's own will, it can bend, twist, stretch and... how to you say... squish into any form it chooses. Yet it always snaps back into it's original form. It is this flexibility, I theorize, that makes it so durable against nearly any hazard. Burning, freezing, and blunt force produced no trauma.

It even rejects ADAM! It... actually slapped my hand away after I tried that.

When I applied acetone, it showed evidence of trauma; but then to my astonishment, it was still able to regenerate gradually. It is my conclusion that nothing less than total, even annihilation will permanently destroy it.

But I did find one other weakness. While I was comparing the living ink to the ink produced by the ADAM slug, I discovered that combining the two will lock the living ink in place. With the ink held firm, I was able to bend it according to my will. The only problem is that the effects of the slug ink wear off over time, so in order to be useful as a restraining measure, one would need to keep reapplying it.

I tell Suchong of my findings, he replied "It is well, I only need to control her mind not her body."

He walked away, all confident, but if the creature's mind is half as resilient as her ink, I believe Suchong is in for a greater challenge than he expects.

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An Audio Diary by Johan Mordhagen, found in Minerva's Den:

I couldn't believe Reed Wahl actually sent a request for Wakko to come to Minerva's Den. Guess the Spitfire game just pissed him off that much!

Jokes on him though! Wakko barely took two steps into the code pit before he's hooked on the uh... video game. And I mean Hooked!

No amount of yelling, pleading, pushing or pulling could pry him away. I remember one guy yanking Wakko's tail, but it just stretched like a rubber band.

He wouldn't stop until they unplugged the game. Wakko was disappointed but then he went "Wait, what score did I get?"

You should have seen how the programers' eyes lit up as Wakko started asking rapid questions like "what's the highest score? Can two people play? Can you change the look of the plane? Are there different enemies you can fight? Can you use different weapons?" And more.

Now the code boys are working up a storm in their code pit. It won't be long before those pinball arcades get the biggest upgrade they've ever seen!

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An Audio Diary by Andrew Ryan, found in Footlight Theater:



If Rapture is to be kept a secret, how are we to find worthy residents?

We won't find them. They will find us.

Before I took my leave of the surface, I was contacted by the grown daughter of a political cartoonist I... once admired.

Possessing a keen intuition for discerning people's tastes, she had made a name for herself in the film industry as an animation director. Truly a fellow visionary, who would do anything to achieve her ambitions.

Because of her skill and ambition, however, she was dismissed from her position and blacklisted by the industry. Even her own family shunned her for her disgrace.

So, I told her of the opportunities of Rapture. Now, only months later, she is a proud Rapture citizen.

Tonight, I received word that she plans to debut her... protégé.

She seems to have created her own toon star; or, at least she found one that wouldn't be missed.

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An Audio Diary by Augustus Sinclair, found in Sinclair Solutions:

I had never put much stock into those silly animations. They may be a marvel of the imagination, but that don't change the fact that they were created only for other people's amusement.

But the Madam Director of OC Studios is a mighty creative thinker. She ain't got impressive business savvy and she certainly ain't no charmer. But whenever someone comes around rubbing her the wrong way, all she has to do is send that toon of her's to pay the fellow a visit. Then it's only a matter of time before the fella's on their knees begging for her forgiveness.

If that woman plays her cards right, she'll soon have the whole damn town wrapped around her finger!

I was meeting with her to discuss Wakko merchandise where she explain the premise of his character. He's a little boy testing out different fields of work all the while sniffing out and whacking any parasites he finds. 'Inspirational for the kids' she says, 'and cathartic for the adults.'

We made a verbal agreement all Wakko toys would be made with extra care and attention. Wouldn't want a kid finding a needle in her Wakko doll. That would not do at all.

I'll be sticking to the deal. We're making dolls with collectible outfits for the girls and equipable weapons for the boys. These toys will be flying off the shelves and cash will be flying into our pockets.

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An Audio Diary by Steve Barker, found in Footlight Theater:


It's a wonderful thing to own a theater. In this city of dog-eat-dog, we all need to catch a little diversion now and then. I offer live shows and films of all sorts for the public to enjoy.

I just finished up the contract with OC Studios. There was a stipulation about the ticket prices for all Wakko content.

They didn't care how I charged their other properties but "It is absolutely essential that Wakko's adventures be accessible to the lowest income households."

Naturally, I objected to that. I have my own methods to determine ticket prices. Just because I understand the importance of lesiure, doesn't mean I am willing to lower my profit margins to give people a hand-out.

"Don't think of it as a hand-out." The director replied. "Think of it as... a Loss Leader."

She then gestured out the window to the street below, and there was Wakko himself, busking and really drawing a crowd, in both sense of the phrase. He gave the picture to a little kid when the director whistled for him. Wakko climbed up the building to hand the director a bag of money. When the kid went back to work the crowd, which had begun to form a line outside my theater, I decided to sign the contract.

The public is really enjoying those Wakko pictures. Not that I blame them. The most recent cartoon had been about Wakko tormenting an executive that was stealing his employees' hard earned wages. It was met with a standing ovation from a full house of dock workers.

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An Audio Diary by Paparazzi, found in Mercury Suites:


In my time, I've seen the public fall in love with many a movie star, but never with a toon. Nowadays, it seems like everybody and their mom wants a piece of that lil' rascal.

OC Studios is a small but growing business. Its director dangles Wakko like a carrot on a string, and expects the public to follow like mindless sheep.

Thing is, so far it's been working for her! Because of this, nearly all the rival studios have been trying to get her to sell them Wakko's contract.

This paparazzi figured it would be only a matter a time before Ms. Director sold Wakko to the highest bidder. I had $200 on Berkley Pictures, but all attempts to negotiate a trade went busto as Ms. Director simply wouldn't hear of parting with her toon.

I listened in on many of the meetings. I couldn't believe how she could say no to so many zeros! Either that woman's a fool or perhaps too sentimental!

But rumor has it Berkley Pictures is turning up the heat. Yes, Ms. Director has been looking over her shoulder and gripping Wakko's arm like a paranoid mother.

See it turns out Berkley knows a fella who knows a fella and their gonna get the lady director evicted from her flat in Mercury Suites and-

Wait! Who the hell is she talking to?

Ain't that... Sofia Lamb?!

I gotta get closer!

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A Rapture Product Advertisement

Jim: Hey there, Frank! Looks like you got your hands full!

Frank: Yeah, no kidding! And this ain't even half of it! I wish there was a better way to carry all this stuff!

Jim: I know who can help you!

Wakko: Helloooo Frank!

Frank: Wakko the Toon!

Wakko: Whatcha doing carrying all your things around like that? You could drop something or fall over! And it takes forever and ever!

Frank: You're telling me! But we don't all have a gag bag like you do!

Wakko: But you could get one!

Frank: Huh? Where?

Wakko: Sinclair Solutions has invented the Pandora Bag! Now you can fit all your stuff into one bag! Just like me!

Frank: Incredible! It looks like a regular backpack, but you managed to put in my briefcase, my toolbox, groceries, dry cleaning, and my wife's birthday present! And the bag doesn't even feel heavy! I'm going to buy a bunch of Pandora Bags for my family right now!

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An Audio Diary by Barbara Johnson found in Mercury Suites:

Fred had finally agreed to let me take the kids to the Wakko party in Arcadia. So long as I chaperoned, of course!

I understood his weariness, with all the reports of missing girls going around. But I figured, Ryan had his security force watching over the gatherings. It should be perfectly safe!

Everything had been going wonderfully... until that foul smelling workman showed up.

We, the grownups and Wakko, tried to tell the kids to ignore the metal man, saying it would be gone soon. But the children kept gasping and pointing, shouting at Wakko to "look at the girl!"

Suddenly, there was screaming and roaring and the entire area turned red! All I could think of was grabbing my kids and get out of there as fast as possible.

I told my kids to not look back, but they kept crying out, "Did you see her, Mommy? She looks just like Wakko! Just like Wakko!"

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An Audio Diary by Yi Suchong, found in Suchong's Clinic:

Before we can begin with mental conditioning, we need to understand what we are working with. Therefore, we must study the specimen's physiology.

And... I am... confounded! 

Suchong had predicted that the creature's physiology would mimic that of a human's. This seemed logical given the anthropomorphic traits. But despite it being a living creature, this is the furthest thing from organic I have ever seen!

It has no blood! Suchong needed to take samples to examine her genetic code. Samples of her fur, her claws, saliva but it was all INK!

THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT! You cannot get a genetic code from ink!

Sigh. This means that Suchong cannot rely on plasmids to modify behavior. Fine. We'll have to do this the old way. 

We have constructed a specialized enclosure so we can observe the specimen while she's conscious. From there further tests can proceed.

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An Audio Diary by Lloyd Webster found in the Medical Pavilion:

When I was a boy, my Pop had a little sayin' he'd like to spout when things got rough: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Well, I took that advice to heart and now I'm the President of the biggest vending machine franchise in Rapture!

I recall the day we were shooting a commercial to show the investors our new vending machines. We were gonna get Wakko's endorsement; except it turned out that the kid didn't care for the design. He took one look at the machine and screamed, hitting the device with a giant mallet. 

I...was later informed that Wakko actually hates clowns. In my defense, I thought everybody liked clowns.

At that moment, I had three options to move forward. I could go back to the drawing board and redesign our machines to not offend Wakko's sensibilities. Or I could bribe Wakko to cooperate for the commercial. OR instead of wasting precious time and money, and edit the footage to emphasize the indestructibility of our vending machines.

And now, Circus of Values is a household name! HAHAHAHAHA!

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An Audio Diary by Hector Rodriguez found in Poseidon Plaza:

I know folks can get all senti - hic - nosta -hic - choked up about their pets and shit.

I don't give a fuck about how much Cohen likes that fucking toon! Why is everyone sayin' I gotta care who's the fucking teacher's pet?

What I do care about is that little twerp thinkin' he's better than me with the showgirls!

I make time to see all of Jasmine's dances. And I've got nothing to show for it. Cause every goddamn time I try to land a private dance, that fucking toon pops out of fucking nowhere and fucking ruins the fucking moment.

And she always runs away before I can chase him off.

If that little shit interferes with my score one more time, I'M GONNA-

HEY! WHERE'S MY REFILL?