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Chapter Text

The taste of metal filled his mouth and the room felt as though it were spinning. Judas could sense his mother on the other side of the door. She smelled of bread and soap. He was vaguely aware that today had been a washing day. He wanted to get to her, he needed her. There was a part of him that wanted to curl up in her arms the way he did when he was sick or sleepy or sad. But that part was buried so deeply he wasn’t sure he remembered it being there in the first place. Every other part of him wanted to hurt her. He wanted nothing more than to break through the door and sink his teeth into her skin. Why did he want this? What was wrong with him? What kind of son would try to hurt his own mother like that? Judas didn’t know, the only thing that mattered was satisfying the hunger. When banging on the door led nowhere, he settled into an exhausted heap, writhing and sinking his teeth into his own arms.

The attacks started when he was three. He had now just turned seven, and they’d only worsened over time. At first, they only came on every couple of months. He never knew what triggered them, but they always went the same. First the appetite. He was ravenous, eating everything his mother could find to offer him and it was never enough. Then the real hunger set in. After the first attack, he’d injured his mother so badly she didn’t leave her bed for days. She’d refused to leave him alone or lock him in a room, so scared of what he might do to himself if left alone. Judas didn’t like that memory at all. The way his father yelled at him like he was a monster and not a child. The paleness of his mother’s skin, contrasted by her bruised arms. The way he was certain he’d killed her when he came back to his senses.

And then there were the whispers. Even at his young age he knew when people were talking about him.

“Demons,” they said. “Who sinned that he might be punished like this?” Priests from the temple started visiting, they’d say prayers over him and burn incense. They’d spend weeks or months hopeful, until the next attack came on. His mother said it wasn’t his fault. His father didn’t say anything, at least not in front of Judas.

After the attacks started, his father had learned to make himself scarce. He worked longer hours and locked Judas’ room at night. When Judas was younger, this bothered him. His mother would soothe him, telling him that his father was only scared, that he still loved him the same. Now Judas was old enough not to care. Who needs a father, anyways.

Every morning and every evening, Judas and his mother prayed. They prayed over breakfast, and they prayed over supper, and they prayed on the stars when the sun set. Judas’s mother made him thank God first, every time. She reminded him how many blessings he had and how gracious God was for providing them with food and a home and good times. Judas’s mother always thanked God for Judas. She would say how glad she was to have such a sweet, strong, fiery son. Judas knew she meant it, but he never understood how she could. They prayed for other things, too. For his father, and his father’s work. For the neighbors. And of course, for Judas’s condition.

Judas used to believe God heard him. That He was only testing him or that maybe Judas deserved this somehow. He used to believe that God was going to save him. He doesn’t remember when he stopped.

The other seven-year-olds spent their days learning. They would go to the temple and learn reading and scriptures from the priests. Judas wasn’t allowed, for obvious reasons. His mother couldn’t read, so neither could Judas. But he could cook, clean, and mend better than any of the neighbor boys and his mother always said that mattered more anyways. When he wasn’t helping his mother with the cooking or cleaning or mending, she would have him count the money. His father kept the money he made at work in a big jar, and once a week his mother would dump the jar on the table for Judas to count. Then they’d take it to the market and get groceries and other supplies. When Judas was little, they’d go together, but now that he was big, his mother let him go alone. He learned to barter with the shopkeepers, just like his mother did. He never got over the smile on her face when he would come home bragging about how much he’d saved.

There was one shopkeeper Judas loved the most. He sold lambs and doves. Judas had never bought anything from this shopkeeper, because his father handled those purchases. His mother said that’s because sacrifices are a serious matter and it’s important to get the right animals. Judas knew it was only because his father was afraid he’d defile them. The shopkeeper was less concerned. Judas always liked to stop by and admire the animals, he could watch for hours if his mother would have let him. He liked to watch the lambs play with each other or watch the birds in flight. Often when he got home, he would sketch them out in charcoal, working on getting the details to be just right. He’d found that smudging the charcoal with linen gave the right texture for wool, but he was still finding the right strokes for the feathers. Oftentimes, the shopkeeper would offer jobs to Judas. The other shopkeepers didn’t do this. He supposed it was because they were afraid of being attacked. This shopkeeper was different, he would ask for Judas to count his money for him or to clean up after the animals. Judas did this gladly, and sometimes he got change in return.

The attacks were occurring nearly every day now. Judas hadn’t been to the market in ages. He was always exhausted, his arms raw and infected from wounds that wouldn’t heal. He tried to pretend he didn’t hear his mother weeping late at night. He didn’t weep, because he was a man and he needed to be brave for her. One day, a woman named Mary came to visit.

“Mary has been healing people of demons, she can heal you too.” His mother whispered to him. Judas didn’t believe her, but he pretended to be hopeful anyways.

“Hi Judas, it’s nice to meet you. You must be so brave. I imagine you’re about my son’s age.”

“I’m seven.”

“Jesus still has a few more months,” she smiled. She seemed so nice; he was sad she wouldn’t be able to do anything for him. He hoped she wouldn’t be disappointed when she left like all the priests and healers had, his demons unperturbed.

“I’m going to pray over you, to send out the demons. Is it alright if I touch your shoulders?” Judas nodded, then flinched when he felt her hands on his scabs. She prayed over him just like the priests did, and just as expected, he felt the same. She said she’d be back to try again tomorrow.

The next day Judas figured would go no differently. He tried not to think about how discouraged his mother looked. Or how he hadn’t seen his father in days. This time Mary had a boy with her, Judas guessed he must be the son she had mentioned.
“Hi Judas, it’s nice to see you again. I need to talk to your mother for a while, why don’t you and Jesus go play while we chat.” Judas wasn’t used to mothers telling him to play with their children. Usually they shooed him away, scared he’d hurt them or that somehow, they’d end up possessed like him. Still, he’d always wanted a friend, and Jesus already seemed so nice. He had a gentle look to him. Judas was shocked to see that he had no bruises or scrapes, not even on his knees from playing too hard on gravel. Hesitantly, he made his way over. Had Mary told her son who she was sending to play with him? Did this poor kid have any idea how dangerous Judas was?

“Hi, my name’s Jesus”

“I’m Judas”

“Nice to meet you, Judas. Wanna play tag?” Judas did not want to play tag. Walking was hard enough with all of the bruises.

“I don’t like tag.”

“Oh. Well, what do you like?”

“Drawing.”

“I’m a terrible drawer. Can you draw something for me?” Judas brightened at the suggestion and began to look for a stick.

“What do you mean, you’re a terrible drawer? Nobody’s bad at drawing, you just copy what you see.”

“Maybe that’s what works for you, but it never turns out when I do it.” Judas handed him a stick.

“Just try it. Draw that donkey over there, or that tree – that’s easy enough.”

“You just wait and see, it’s going to look awful,” Jesus laughed. Judas focused intently on Jesus as he drew. He really might have been right, whatever he was drawing was looking nothing like a donkey. Or a tree. Judas’s eyes drifted from the drawing to the boy’s dirty fingernails, up to the flush of his cheeks. He had a gap between his front teeth and the kind of eyes that Judas thought looked deeper than a person’s eyes should. He was so enamored by this boy that he almost didn’t notice the hunger take over him. Panicked, he tried to fight for control of his body. He was so exhausted, however, that almost immediately he gave in, shrinking deep inside his conscience.

He felt his body stumble closer to Jesus, landing on the boy’s right hand. He tried with all his might to bite Jesus, but for whatever reason he could not. This hadn’t happened before and neither Judas nor the demons possessing him knew what to make of it. In frustration, Judas (or rather, Judas’s body, controlled by the demons) hit Jesus as hard as he possibly could. No sooner than he’d struck him, Jesus started crying. Judas hated to see him weep, hated it so much that all he could think to do was lean in and comfort him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I promise you I didn’t mean it,” he bumbled, hardly aware of his mother and Mary rushing out of the house behind him.

“Judas!” His mother was crying too, he’d really messed up. He turned to look up at her and saw that the expression on her face did not match the tears in her voice. “Judas, God has heard us, he was gracious to us. He heard me like he heard Hagar, and he freed you.” Judas squinted at her; what did she mean he was freed? And then it hit him, Jesus’s crying had brought him back, the demons had left him. He couldn’t remember feeling this way before. So light and alive.

And just like that, Judas was crying too.

Chapter Text

Judas didn’t believe God healed him, it was obviously this boy. This boy with the deep eyes and the laugh like his mother’s. He’d saved Judas once and ever since he just kept on saving him.

Judas was allowed to go to school now, but he was way behind the other boys. He would sit next to Jesus and try his best to follow along.

“What does this one say again?” Judas whispered, trying not to cause a scene.
“Prophet,” Jesus leaned over to whisper back, before raising his hand and asking the teacher if he interpreted the passage as telling the way things are or foretelling things to come. Judas loved Jesus’ questions as much as he hated them. He was always amazed at how smart Jesus was – carrying on full conversations about the scriptures with adults, priests even. On the other hand, he just wanted to get along with the lesson.

When they were eventually dismissed, Jesus asked him if he wanted to go to the river. It wasn’t really a question, they always went to the river after school.

“Catch me if you can!” he brushed Jesus’s shoulder and took off for the riverbank. Jesus caught him. He always did. They wrestled in the dirt for a while, as boys do, before kicking off their sandals and gathering their favorite sticks they kept stashed here.

“You know your whole alphabet now, let's work on some of the words from class today,” Jesus said, beginning to spell things out in the dirt. “Do you remember this one?”

They did this until dinnertime: Jesus writing words, Judas reading them, Judas writing them out himself. Sometimes when they got bored of reading and writing, Judas would teach Jesus how to draw. It was hard to teach things like shading with a stick and some dirt, but he showed Jesus how things could be broken down into shapes.

The next day, Judas wasn’t feeling well. Oftentimes his arms would still ache from where he’d clawed and bitten them. His head would hurt, and the world felt too loud and too bright. Today was one of those days when the pain was too much. His mother brought him juice and cool cloths, sang to him and told him stories all morning. Judas could tell that despite hating to see her son unwell, she loved to have him home. In the comfort of her arms, he fell asleep. Around lunchtime he awoke to his mother’s voice,

“Judas, dear, you have a friend here to see you. Are you feeling well enough?”

“Yes, send him in,” Judas tried to sound as healthy as he could. He heard his friend’s voice in the doorway.

“Hey Judas! Mom said I could leave school early and see you. The teachers don’t mind because I’m already ahead anyways.”

“They’re probably relieved not to have you interrupting their lesson every two minutes with a moral dilemma.” Jesus laughed at this, moving to playfully punch Judas’s arm before remembering at the last second.

“Check what I can do, now,” he said, bringing a few of Judas’ toys to his bed. Judas watched expectantly, unsure of what Jesus was trying to show him. Unwilling to interrupt however, as Jesus looked lost in concentration. And then, before his very eyes he watched as the toys began to move. His carved donkey brayed, and the lambs snuggled up together.
“Am I hallucinating? Oh no, I must be,” Judas buried his head in his hands.

“No, you’re not hallucinating, I promise! I did that. Remember how I sent your demons away? Well, I can do this, too!” Judas lifted his head at this, looking at the toys then shifting his gaze to his friend. Who was this boy? Judas was too impressed to worry.

“Imagine the games we can play now! We don’t have to worry about controlling multiple toys at a time,” he exclaimed. Jesus nodded eagerly, picking up an ox but Judas’s mother called out from the kitchen, where she was only half listening,

“No games today, boys! Judas needs to be resting.” So Jesus set down the ox and laid down next to Judas, and they fell asleep watching the toy animals.

Excited to discover everything he was able to do, Jesus took any chance he could get to animate objects, and even dye cloths and hair. News began to spread that Mary’s son was doing witchcraft and soon the other boys were not allowed to play with him. It didn’t matter that Jesus had been the one to send the demons out of Judas (could a demon do that, Mary would always argue) – they had seen enough, it seemed. Judas didn’t mind this new development, it meant he had his friend to himself.

As the boys got older, they were expected to spend more time working. Jesus, with his father – a carpenter, and Judas with the shopkeeper who sold all the animals. Jesus didn’t go to school anymore; he’d proved to the teachers that he already knew more than they could teach him. Instead, he worked all day in the woodshop. It certainly could have made Joseph’s job much easier, since Jesus could put together pretty much anything without hardly lifting a finger. But Joseph preferred to do things the traditional way, and he was wary of exploiting Jesus’ abilities. Judas never heard the end of Jesus’ complaints, especially when he’d show up to the animal pens with splinters in his fingers. Secretly, however, he thought Jesus was lucky to have a father who cared so much.

Judas loved his job at the shop. He had grown even better at handling the money, and he had proven himself trustworthy to the shopkeeper. He had a special connection to the animals as well. He would develop favorites only to be sad when they would be purchased for sacrifice. He found it cruel that God would expect such a gift. After all, the animals never hurt anyone. It was people who did that.

Without Jesus at school, Judas tried to make other friends in order to fend off boredom and loneliness. He spent a lot of time with two boys named Noah and Jacob.
“I’ll give you my mom’s bread for some of your meat,” Noah offered Judas. This was a common trade for the two of them, Noah’s mom made incredible bread and Judas wasn’t all that comfortable eating meat anyways.

“Sure,” he replied, passing over his portion of veal.

“I’ll never understand why you don’t like this stuff,” Noah said through a mouthful of food. Judas didn’t answer.

“Look guys, it’s Abigail,” Jacob interrupted, nudging the other two. “When did she get so pretty?”

“I don’t know but I call dibs,” Noah said, looking completely distracted.

“As if she’d want you,” Jacob replied.

“Oh because you’re so much better.”

Judas didn’t know how to act when they brought up girls. He figured he was supposed to join their banter, but there was nothing he wanted to do less. When Noah and Jacob got talking, they didn’t usually stop, so Judas was relieved when it was time for lessons again.

When Judas got out of school, he went straight to the woodshop. He found Jesus working on a table and sat down to try and help him.

“How was school?” Jesus asked, hammering one of the legs into place.

“Alright. I wish you were still around though, I’m tired of eating lunch with Jacob and Noah.”

“Well, I’m here now,” he stood back to check if the leg was level, “What’s wrong with Jacob and Noah, they’re nice enough?”

“It’s not that, I just never know what to talk about.” Jesus nodded knowingly. He wasn’t one to speak badly of people, but Judas could tell he understood.

The sun was beginning to set, and Jesus was finishing up for the day. Joseph was turned the other way, so Jesus hadn’t put a piece together manually in at least fifteen minutes. Judas tried to keep hammering so that Joseph wouldn’t notice the silence.
“Okay boys,” he turned around grinning. Joseph was always grinning. “I’m going to head back, I expect you won’t be far behind, Jesus? You too, Judas, don’t leave your mother waiting long.”
“Yes sir,” they chorused. As Joseph walked off, they put away all the rest of the tools until Jesus broke the silence.
“My family is moving soon.” Judas’ world froze, without thinking he dropped the plank in his hand with a thud. He couldn’t have heard that right.
“Moving?”
“Yeah,” Jesus was staring at his feet, “Dad isn’t getting enough work here. He thinks if we go somewhere with wealthier people, we could get better business. Plus, mom wants to be closer to Cousin Elizabeth. She’s getting old.” No. Judas could not believe what he was hearing. Jesus was his only friend, at least the only one that mattered. Who would he talk to? Who would get him through his bad days, when his arms ached and his head hurt? He knew it was selfish but the only words that could escape his mouth were:

“But what about me?” When he glanced up at Jesus again, he saw he was already looking at him. It was hard to tell in the pale dusk light, but Judas thought he saw tears. “You can’t go, I’m scared.” When Jesus spoke, Judas’ suspicions were confirmed.

“Me too.” He fell into Judas’ arms and they stood there for a long time, holding each other up just like they always had.

Chapter Text

Judas was closing the shop, it had been a busy day with lots of travelers from nearby towns coming to the temple. The shopkeeper had already left, the old age was getting to him and he often left early these days. He was so focused on counting the day’s earnings that he didn’t hear the footsteps approaching his stall.

“Excuse me,” Judas looked up, startled, “am I too late to make a purchase?” The first thing Judas noticed about this man was his hair, it was long and a little bit matted, probably from days on the road. It suited him, in a rugged sort of way. Judas supposed that if he were a woman, he would have found this man quite handsome. In fact, forget being a woman, Judas did find this man handsome. So, he made an exception.

“No, you’re just in time,” he said in what he hoped was a smooth voice, “What are you looking for?”

“If I pay for a lamb today, can I pick it up tomorrow? I’m only passing through and I don’t have a place to stay, yet.”

“Yes, of course,” Judas told him how much it would be, and the man began to count out his coins. Before he could process what he was saying, he blurted out “If you need a place to stay, there’s room at my place.” The man’s head jerked up from counting change and a slow smirk began to spread on his face.

“Is that so?” he raised his eyebrows, “Well in that case, I suppose I can’t refuse. Although I hate to tell you, I don’t have much to pay you for my stay.”

“That’s alright, don’t worry about it,” Judas rushed to reply. Was this man blushing? Was Judas blushing? He didn’t want to know. “What’s your name, anyway?”

“James, yours?”

“Judas.”

“Nice to meet you, then, Judas,” James replied, handing over the coins. Judas offered him some food and water for his donkey and finished counting the coins. As he closed the shop, he tried to ignore the way the man was looking at him, that soft curious smile. Those curls. Damnit.
As he led James back to his place, he searched his mind for conversation topics and came up short, he had always been bad at small talk. He blamed it on being isolated from his peers during the formative years of his childhood. It made for a good excuse, at least. James broke the silence,

“So, you live alone?” Judas couldn’t tell his intentions in asking, but answered honestly,

“Yeah. My mom passed about a year ago and my dad left around then. I got the house, though, so I can’t be too mad at him.” He tried not to look over, he didn’t need to see this man’s pity.

“I’m sorry,” he paused. “I’d be mad at him if I were you.”

“I used to be, but I guess I got over it after a couple years. Never really cared much for him, anyways. My mom was the one who was really amazing.”

“Well in that case, I’m sorry about her.”

“Thanks.” Judas didn’t know what he expected to happen by inviting this man over, he tried not to think too hard about it. He offered the man some food and served himself some as well. Bread and cheese and some vegetable stew he’d heated up. He hadn’t had meat around in about a year. Over dinner their conversation continued in the teasing way it had been earlier, before Judas had brought the mood down by bringing up his mom.

He found himself brushing this man’s shoulder, his hair, with his hand – far more often than he ever did with anyone. And James was doing the same. He noticed the way his eyes lingered on Judas’ scars. Pretended he didn’t notice because that was not a conversation for tonight. And then he made up a bed for him. His mother's old bed, actually, and whatever spark had been there died out just as it had started.

When Judas woke up, James was gone. He got ready as usual, and headed to the stall, prepared for another busy day. Many people who had paid yesterday were stopping by today for their animals. It was a lot to keep track of, even for Judas, who prided himself on being organized. Sometime in the middle of the day, the man from the night before came by.

“Sorry for leaving so early, I had some errands to run.”

“Not a problem,” Judas replied, still feeling very complicated about the previous day. “Ready for your lamb?” He asked.

“Yes please,” Judas searched for his favorite lamb from the pen. He was surprised when James spoke again.

“Does it ever make you sad they have to die?” Judas froze. Then slowly replied,

“All the time.”

After he’d picked up his animal, the man left in a hurry. The rest of the day passed in a blur, without a moment of downtime for Judas to catch his breath. The shopkeeper showed up after James left, which made the work a bit easier at least. The crowds did die down, finally, and Judas decided to clean the pens and let the shopkeeper count the money so he didn’t have to exert himself. After some time in the pens, he heard the shopkeeper call out to him.

“Judas, there’s someone here for you!” Who would be visiting him? It couldn’t be James again, could it? He did his best to wipe the shit off his hands with a rag to make himself presentable before heading up to the market booth.

The man at the booth was not James. But he was familiar, so incredibly familiar that Judas was ready to pinch himself. There was no way it was him, was there? But when Judas saw his eyes, deep and piercing, he knew. He’d spent years imagining this reunion, and now that it had come he didn’t know what to do. Somehow this was both exactly and not at all how he’d expected it to be. It almost felt anticlimactic.

“What are you doing back,” Judas asked, finally silencing the turmoil he was feeling inside.

“I’m traveling, doing the work of my father. Recruiting disciples for my cause.”

“Disciples? What does Joseph need disciples for?”

“Not my earthly father,” Jesus said as if it were obvious, “the heavenly father.” Judas squinted, what was he getting at?

“The heavenly father?” He repeated.

“Yes,” Jesus smiled and did not elaborate.

“Who is that?” Judas had barely finished his question when he realized, “You don’t mean God?” Jesus only nodded. What the Hell had happened since he’d left? Was Jesus possessed now, too? This was crazy. And crazier? Judas almost believed him. After all, how else do you explain the miracles? Or the depth of those dark brown eyes.

“I heard you met my friend James.” Judas tried to contain his panic. How much had James shared? What if Jesus had sent him as a spy? All of a sudden, he was relieved they hadn’t done anything more.

“Yes, I sold him a lamb and lent him my extra bed.” Jesus nodded along.

“I’m sorry about your mother.”

“Thank you,” Great, now Jesus was taking pity on him. Then again, pity from Jesus wasn’t entirely a bad thing. Actually, any kind of attention from Jesus wasn’t a bad thing.

“If you want, I am looking for more disciples. You are welcome to join me. I won’t lie, it won’t be easy. But the eternal rewards may be of more interest to you,” Judas could have sworn his eyes twinkled when he said that. He didn’t know eyes could do that. “You don’t have to decide at this moment, but we leave tomorrow so I’d need your answer by then. And once you’re in, I’d need you to be all in.” Judas continued to stare. “Just think about it, that’s all I ask.”

If Judas had his wits about him, he would have asked for more details on this whole ‘traveling prophet’ thing. Or the ‘son of God’ thing. Honestly, he had a whole list of questions, as well as a whole other list of reasons he would not make a good disciple. With his passive fury at God landing somewhere near the top. But who was he kidding, it didn’t matter what the answer to any of those questions was, or how long his list of reasons to say no was. Judas didn’t know how he felt about God, but he had never doubted Jesus. So when Judas said he would think about it and get back to him in the morning, what he really meant to say was absolutely without a doubt, yes.

When Jesus walked away, the shopkeeper wordlessly handed over more than double his usual pay and winked. Judas tried to argue, he wasn’t going to accept it. He didn’t want to leave the shopkeeper alone. But the shopkeeper shooed him off with a laugh.

“I’ll just find another pariah to take your place. I heard Jesus just healed a little girl of a similar affliction.”

He wasted no time packing a bag, he didn’t wait for morning. No, he headed back to town, ready to ask around and find Jesus.

And that’s how everything changed.

Chapter Text

Judas found Jesus by a house across town. There was a crowd of people reclining outside, in and around the stable. It was dark by now, and the group looked so joyful in the lantern light. He all of a sudden felt very self-conscious, filled with a very real desire to turn and run away. Before he could even think to act on this urge, however, a familiar voice called him over.

“Judas! Is that you?” James called, with an eager wave. Judas waved back and made his way over. “Good to see you again! Jesus said you’d be joining us tonight.” He did? Was Judas really that predictable? James motioned for him to sit down next to him, Judas did.

“Where is Jesus?” He asked, scanning the other faces.

“Uh, I’m actually not sure.” James responded, “He does that a lot though. Disappears without saying anything. Probably goes and prays or casts out demons or something? Odd guy.” That did sound like the Jesus that Judas remembered. Judas continued to look around, on the far side of the stable he saw a couple. They were tangled up in each other so that he couldn’t discern their features. Were these also disciples of Jesus? In one of the corners, by the donkey’s pen, were three men. He was trying to eavesdrop on their conversation when James interrupted again, seeing where Judas was looking.

“That’s Philip, Thomas, and Thaddaeus. Usually, Matthew and Bartholomew are here too, not sure where they went. But they all seem to get along. The couple over there is Peter and Eden. Eden’s cool as fuck, I want to get to know her better. Peter’s cool, too. He’s an interesting guy to talk to when his mouth isn’t occupied with other things.” James turned and nodded in the other direction, outside the stable. “That’s Mary and Martha over there. They live here, but I think they’ll be coming too.” Judas noticed that their faces looked sour.

“Are they fighting?”

“Yeah, always are. Sister thing, I guess. You have any siblings?”

“Nope.”

“Oh really? That’s crazy. Must have been spoiled. That guy over there is my little brother,” James gestured to a group of men approaching the stable.

“Which one?”

“The short one. Well, wait, not the shortest one – that’s little James. John, my brother, is the other short one.” Judas wasn’t quite keeping up, but he nodded along anyways. “Simon’s over there, too. And Andrew. He’s Peter’s brother.” This was a lot to keep track of. Judas was already overwhelmed and dreading this approach of new people.

“We come bearing blankets from inside,” called out one of the shorter ones – John, maybe?
“Who needs one?”

James raised his hand, as did a couple of the men in the corner. Peter and Eden were preoccupied. Judas looked down and pulled his mother’s blanket out of his bag. The men passed out the blankets and settled by James and Judas.

“Hey, I don’t believe we’ve met! Are you Judas?” Judas looked up and nodded. “Nice to meet you, I’m John and this is Andrew and James. Well, little James. Or James the less as we sometimes say –” Other James elbowed him in the ribs.

“No, we don’t say that.”

“Sorry. I’m sure you’ve already met my charming older brother, then?” Judas smiled, he wasn’t wrong about James being charming.

“Nice to meet you,” Judas said politely. Andrew and little James waved and muttered their hellos.

“So how do you know Jesus? He made it sound like you guys knew each other already.” John asked, not willing to leave Judas alone.

“We were friends as kids. I had an, ah, a bit of a demon problem and then when we were about seven he came along and just got rid of them? Nobody else was able to, but he did,” Judas realized he was babbling, but he kept going anyway. “So after that we were friends, went to school together and stuff, you know?”

“Oh nice! Wow, it’s wild to think about that guy as a kid. What was he like? Was he always so mysterious?”

“Sort of, yeah. He was really smart; he’d always argue with the teachers in class about the meaning of scriptures. He was also a normal kid, though. Well, besides the whole miracle thing. He’d animate our toys and make them move around and stuff. Sometimes we’d prank people by changing the color of their hair. He didn’t do it to be mean or anything, just to get a laugh and he’d change it back. My mom thought that one was funny.” The men were hanging on every word, Judas thought maybe they were just as enraptured with Jesus as he was. Not that he thought that was possible. “So, what’s this whole ‘Son of God’ thing all about?”

“He never mentioned that when you guys were kids?”
“Nope, as far as I knew his dad was Joseph,” Judas tried to joke. It fell flat.

“Don’t you believe him, though? I mean with all the miracles and stuff. And have you seen his eyes? He definitely knows something we don’t.” Judas found himself nodding along even though he still wasn’t sure he believed this.

“Oh yeah. Yeah of course.” It wasn’t convincing, he knew this. But they were nice enough not to call him on it. Their conversation shifted away from Judas to future plans and past stories. Judas closed his eyes and just listened. It sounded like Jesus’ whole thing was healing the sick, casting out demons, and helping the poor. It didn’t matter who Jesus’s father was, Judas could get behind this, at least. He had almost dozed off when he noticed a shift in conversation tone. Opening his eyes, he saw Jesus approaching the stable. He noticed how half the people were quick to offer greeting, while the other half tried hard to play it cool.

“Hi Judas, I’m assuming you made up your mind?” He said with a smile.

“You knew I would.” Jesus laughed. Judas immediately started to think of more ways he could get another laugh out of him.

“Rabbi, is it true that you knew each other as children?” James interrupted. Rabbi? Judas wondered, was Jesus going to make him call him that? Judas hoped not. Before he could worry anymore about this, John elbowed James,

“Be serious.”

“What, I can’t call my teacher Rabbi?” Jesus grinned at this and shook his head as if to say that he didn’t mind the nickname one bit, although it seemed he was also in on the joke. “See, he doesn’t mind. Maybe you should try having some respect for your elders.”

Jesus laughed. His laughs came easy, Judas loved this. “And yes, James, we were close as boys. As you might imagine, most parents didn’t want me around their children. Judas’ mother was a rare exception.”

“Because you cast out his demons?” Jesus looked over to Judas, clearly wondering what else Judas had shared.

“Yes, I’d imagine that’s why.” With this, he grabbed one of the blankets and took it off to an empty corner. Judas wondered if he should follow but figured Jesus probably wanted to be alone. He laid back down and let himself drift off again.

Judas woke up early. He noticed two new men had joined Philip’s group. Jesus was beginning to stir in his corner. He sat up, watching to see what Jesus was going to do. He wondered if he was going to disappear again. If he was, Judas wanted to follow. Sure enough, Jesus got up, quietly shaking the hay off his blanket and leaving it folded with the extras. He threw a smile in Judas’ direction that made his stomach drop. Jesus waved for him to follow.

It turned out, they were just going inside. Mary and Martha were already making breakfast. Jesus looked over to Judas,

“I told them not to do this, that I would handle it. See how well they listen?” He joked. Judas smiled curiously as Jesus took the knife from Martha’s hand and began to cut the fruit himself.
“Judas, why don’t you do the cheese and we’ll give them a break?” Judas looked to Mary expectantly, and she much more willingly passed the knife over. She looked like she was ready to ask Jesus something, but Martha interrupted.

“Mary, let’s go to the market, we need to restock for the trip.” Disappointed, Mary followed. After they’d left, Jesus looked up at Judas expectantly.

“Mary and Martha seem nice.” He didn’t know if this was true, but it felt like the right thing to say.

“They are. Mary is an avid student. Martha is too responsible for her own good. They balance each other out nicely, although I wonder if they’d accomplish more apart. I don’t know if you remember Lazarus? He was a bit older than us. He’s their brother. We reconnected in Cana a few months ago and that’s what sent me in the direction.” Judas wished he was the reason for Jesus coming back, but that was selfish of course. “I realize I wasn’t fair to you, yesterday. I told you nothing of what we were actually doing. I also realize that the ‘Son of God’ thing may have come as a bit of a shock? You were never too fond of Him.” Judas guessed that ‘Him’ was God. He wasn’t sure how Jesus knew this, he hadn’t really talked much about religion since Jesus seemed to like it.

“That’s okay. James told me you guys are healing the sick and casting out demons. Or that you are at least. I like that mission well enough, and I trust you.” Jesus nodded.

“Good, good,” he smiled absently to himself, “then this will work great.” Judas didn’t know what ‘this’ was, but he knew Jesus well enough not to bother with asking.

Judas brought the knife carefully through the block of cheese, forming thick slices. There were a million things he still wanted to ask. He settled on a less important question.

“What have you been up to?” Saying this out loud, he realized what a long time it had been. Jesus looked up from cutting fruit. He had this habit of giving his full attention to people and it never failed to make Judas feel important.

“After my family left here, we stayed with cousins. I grew up with my cousin John, but at some point he began his ministry and we didn’t see each other so much.” Judas remembered hearing about this John, Jesus had visited him a few times before moving and always came back full of wild stories about all of the trouble they’d gotten up to. “I kept doing carpentry with Joseph, I tried to get to know as many people as I could. Nothing all that eventful. And then a few months ago it was time to start my ministry.”

“Just like that?” Judas caught himself asking. Jesus smiled, giving only a nod in response.

“Some of John’s disciples joined me, I found the rest as news spread. Anyone willing, honestly. Although some required more convincing, like Mary and Martha. The first real sign I performed since we were kids was about a month ago in Cana at a wedding. Since then, I’ve been sending out demons and healing the sick. And now we’re here, still doing that.” Judas took some time to process that, moving on to cutting a loaf of bread.

“Why wait so long to start,” Judas finally asked. “Actually, why did you stop with the miracles at all?”

“I would like to tell you, Judas, but I don’t think my answer would be satisfying.”

“Can you tell me anyway?” Jesus smiled softly and seemed to prepare for Judas’ response before he’d even replied.

“It was my father’s will.”

Jesus was right, as always. He hated that answer.

Chapter Text

The rest of the day was spent traveling. They slept on the road that night, taking turns staying up to guard against any robbers or attackers. Judas took his shift with Peter. They occupied themselves by drawing in the sand by the firelight. Peter was an impressive artist, it turned out, but all he could draw were fish. Peter told Judas all there was to know about fishing. Judas did his best to pay attention, but he was so tired.

The day after, they made it to a town. The group split up to find food and lodging. Jesus disappeared, taking Peter and John with him. Judas was already finding this was a common theme. He wasn’t jealous at all of course. Why would he be? Still, he looked over at Simon, a newer disciple who he hadn’t met on the first day.

“Do you know why Peter and John always get to go off with him?”

“Nah, wish I did, though. From what I hear, they always get up to interesting stuff. I think they’re scoping out the town for evil spirits or whatever.”

“Ah, okay.”

They ended up staying with a relative of Eden’s. The plan, Judas soon learned, was to stay for the rest of the week and leave after sabbath. Some news had spread about Jesus’ miracle at Cana, and as the people of Capernaum heard of Jesus’ presence in town, they brought their sick to the house. Sometimes, Jesus would instruct the rest of the disciples on how to call on God to heal. Judas wondered silently why God couldn’t just do it himself.

By the middle of the week, Jesus often left to search the rest of the town, confident in John and Peter’s abilities to heal most of the people who came by. Philip and Mary had also picked it up fairly quickly, so at any given time about four people were healing, while the rest were providing food, water, and company. Sometimes Jesus went off alone, but often he brought someone along for company.

Judas’ turn came on Friday. The rest of the disciples were handling large volumes of people, trying to do as much as they could before the sabbath at sundown. Judas, embarrassingly, was the only one who had not been able to heal so much as a scratch. He imagined this was why Jesus had him joining. Sure enough, that was the first thing Jesus brought up when they left in the morning. He did have a knack for finding the thing you least wanted to talk about and starting a conversation based around it.

“I’ve heard you haven’t had much luck with healing,” Jesus mentioned casually. Judas felt a stab of shame.

“I haven’t had any,” he mumbled.

“What about animals, have you tried with those?” Judas shook his head, he hadn’t. In true Jesus fashion, it turned out an injured bird was right down the road. How the fuck did he do that? “Let’s try it, then.”

Judas tried to mimic what he’d seen Jesus and the other disciples do hundreds of times. He kneeled by the bird and laid his hand on it. He tried to pray for the bird in his head. Jesus often did this silently, after all. Nothing happened.

“Have you called upon the Father?” Judas had, it didn’t work. How did Jesus not understand that?

“Yes, it’s not working.”

“Do you believe it should be?” What kind of question was that?

“Uhhh. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Judas took his hand off the bird and turned his head to Jesus. When had he gotten so close? Judas tried not to think about the breath on his forehead.
“I’m going to be really honest here, calling upon God hasn’t exactly worked well for me in the past. I have no reason to believe it’s going to work now.” Judas expected Jesus to be mad. At the very least, annoyed. Instead he looked… sympathetic? How could he be so nice? It wasn’t fair. And he was still feeling breath on his forehead.

“I know the feeling,” Jesus whispered, even though nobody was around to overhear. “It might help for you to call upon me, instead,” he suggested.

So Judas did. Forgetting to even lay his hands on the bird, he summoned every bit of trust he had in the man kneeling next to him. Without a moment of hesitation, the bird perked up, walked around, and flew off.

And just like that, Judas had learned to heal.
The rest of the day was spent walking around town. They met a few people, too weak to travel to the disciples, and Jesus let Judas heal them. A few hours from sunset, Judas was following Jesus towards the edges of town. Jesus gently grabbed his arm mid-step to stop him.
“This next house is going to be a little different,” he explained. “It might be familiar to you, so if you need to leave, don’t hesitate.” Judas thought he had an idea of what this meant, but he wondered why Jesus couldn’t just say it straight out. He only nodded.

Before they even reached the house, Judas could hear the screams. He tried to ignore the way his breath caught in his throat. Breathe Judas, breathe. The door to the house was bolted from the outside. Without a second thought, Jesus unbolted the door and opened it. Judas was still trying to breathe. A woman came rushing out. The blood on her teeth was all too familiar to Judas and the marks on her arms matched Judas’. He hardly noticed the way Jesus caught her in an embrace. He didn’t hear the words Jesus spoke to drive the demons out. He didn’t hear her cries of relief, the way Jesus cried with her. The world was fuzzy, his mouth tasted like blood. His face felt wet, was he crying? Breathe Judas, Breathe. Fuck, he couldn’t stop shaking. Stop shaking, stop shaking. He’d stumbled to the other side of the road and collapsed against a tree. Eyes shut, willing the shivers to stop racking his body and for his lungs to draw in a full breath instead of these shallow ones. He knew he wasn’t dying, but at the same time he wasn’t so sure.

At some point, after what felt like ages, he felt an arm around his shoulder. He didn’t bother to open his eyes, he knew what Jesus’ arm felt like. He let himself collapse into Jesus’s embrace. Leaning his head back on his chest the way he used to let his mother hold him when he panicked as a child. He put all of his focus into matching Jesus’ breaths, in and out with the rise and fall of his chest. When he’d finally come down, he opened his eyes and wiped his face with his arm, still not moving from Jesus’ arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, not quite sure what he was sorry for, but quite sorry regardless.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Judas knew he’d say that. “I’m sorry for not preparing you better.”

“It’s okay.” Was it, really? Maybe not. But Judas could forgive Jesus for anything. Jesus didn’t rush Judas to get up, and Judas wasn’t in a rush to move, so they sat there until well past sundown.

Chapter Text

The next day was the sabbath and Jesus was teaching in the synagogue. Everyone else had left, but Judas stayed behind. He told everyone that his arms were flaring up, which wasn’t a lie, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t glad he had a reason to stay behind. He was even more happy with his decision when everyone returned and told him about the spirit Jesus had driven out. He didn’t think he could handle another situation like that.

The other disciples were less concerned about the spirit, however, and more concerned about Jesus doing miracles on the sabbath. A few of the disciples were disgruntled about it. Judas heard whisperings along the lines of “how dare he, disobeying God’s own commandment.” Most of the disciples, however, were of the mindset that driving out spirits was more important than the sanctity of tradition. Judas couldn’t care less, he was trying to block out all noise and light. He did realize that Jesus could probably heal him. Judas could probably heal himself, actually. Although that would still, technically be Jesus healing him, he supposed. He wasn’t really sure how any of that worked. Regardless, Judas was way too stubborn to ask and way too scared to do it himself, so he did what he’d always done best and kept it to himself.

By evening, he was feeling marginally better. Mary had slipped him some tea at some point and stayed by him with a cool cloth.

“What’s wrong with you?” She asked when he’d started to stir, never one for pleasantries.

“Nobody’s told you?”

“Nobody tells me anything,” she huffed.

“Had demons as a kid. They’re gone now but I hurt myself enough while I had them that I’m pretty much fucked now.” Mary seemed to brighten when she heard him swear, and she didn’t suggest he ask Jesus to heal him, which Judas was eternally thankful for. He hated relying on that man for everything.

They made some more conversation, Mary was much more willing to open up when she realized how unpretentious Judas was. He learned all about her family, apparently Lazarus had taught her to read and as a result she knew more scripture than most of the men in the group. She said you wouldn’t believe the kind of bullshit the synagogue speakers get away with saying about women when they think the women can’t confirm it for themselves. That sounded about right to Judas. He was finding more and more reasons to hate the religion he’d grown up in, but he knew better than to say so to Mary. She seemed to like it somehow, despite everything. It was honestly intriguing, the way she was still so curious and eager to learn, while still maintaining a healthy dose of cynicism. That was a balance Judas could never find, but he admired it when he saw it in others.

It would likely be a while before the sabbath controversy died down in town. Judas stayed out of it, but it took up a lot of Jesus’ time answering people's questions and accusations. Judas helped cook as well as budget for meals. Jesus had assigned him to handle the money and it made him feel useful. Much of his time was spent around Martha, although they didn’t talk much. Martha wasn’t one for chatting when she had work to do, and she always had work to do. But without Martha, everything would fall apart, so Judas accepted her silence gratefully. He wasn’t one for chatting, either. Little James, one the other hand… He always had something to talk about. At thirteen, everything was interesting. He never ran out of trivia, and versed Judas in every kind of challenge he could think of. Judas couldn’t remember having that much energy, although he wondered if that’s because he never did.

The first sabbath after the incident, a few disciples made up their mind to protest the religious leaders. Those in support had convened secretly throughout the week to plan their rebellion. Judas hadn’t really kept up with the plans, but last he’d heard they were going to host a massive healing clinic and serve a feast. By the time the day rolled around, all of the disciples were at the very least alright with the plan, and most intended to participate. Judas didn’t care much about the sabbath anyway, so he offered to help prepare the food. While most, if not all, of the cooking could be done beforehand, they had decided to put it off to make a statement. The most impressive thing about it all was that Jesus didn’t seem to have any idea what they’d planned. Everyone agreed that if Jesus knew, he’d shut it down to avoid attention. This had to be a surprise.

On the morning of the sabbath, most of the disciples still went to the temple as usual. Judas decided to get an early start on the preparations. It wasn’t long before he was interrupted by Thomas.

“Is there anything I can help with?” Judas was surprised, he hadn’t realized anybody else had stayed back.

“Sure, that dough over there should be done rising if you want to knead it,” he replied, cutting vegetables for the stew. Thomas nodded and got to work on the bread. Now that he thought about it, Judas realized he didn’t really know anything about Thomas. He tended to hang out with Bartholemew, Philip, and Thaddeus, while Judas stuck with James and John.

“Why aren’t you at the temple with everyone else?” Thomas turned red and Judas immediately regretted asking. He’d only wanted to see if he and Thomas had something in common, but he realized he’d hate it if anyone had asked him the same question.

“Not for me. I can’t imagine God minds me spending my day helping the needy instead of listening to people preach. Besides, I hear sermons from his son like every day so I don’t think it’s such a big deal to miss a day.” Judas nodded in agreement, still kicking himself for asking. “What about you?”

“Not for me, either.” He didn’t elaborate and Thomas didn’t ask. “Do you really think he’s God’s son?”

“I don’t really know. I think it would be crazy if he was. But then again, who else can do the kinds of things he can, you know?” Judas did know. “It doesn’t really matter though, does it? At the end of the day, I like what he preaches and the things he does and I want to be a part of it.”

By the time everyone had returned, the meal was nearly completely prepared. Martha seemed flustered that her work had been done for her, but she still found other ways to occupy herself. Mary, meanwhile, had left almost as soon as she’d returned to spread the news of the clinic and feast. At this point, Jesus should have been aware that something was up, but instead he was nowhere to be seen. It didn’t take long for people to pool in. Judas, Thomas, and Martha took to serving people, while the rest of the disciples preached, chatted, and healed. Judas couldn’t stop himself from scanning the crowd for Jesus every few minutes, to the point that Thomas had noticed and was shooting curious glances his way. With so much going on, the hours passed quickly. Shortly before dusk, Judas was snapped out of his daze by shouting. People began to scatter, and Judas froze as he watched Martha march into the action and Thomas stiffen next to him.

“Who are you to break the Lord’s sabbath?” boomed a man Judas assumed to be a religious leader.

“Does not the Lord command us to care for those in need?” a sharp voice that sounded like Peter’s argued. Judas couldn’t pick up the entire argument, and in his straining to listen he almost missed the man slipping through to the middle of the crowd. In fact, he completely missed the woman following close behind him.

“Enough,” Jesus commanded the disciples, adding some instructions Judas couldn’t hear before continuing to argue with the leader in a much more measured tone. The disciples who had been in the center of the debate began to shoo off the onlookers, and Judas took that as his cue to go begin cleaning up. He and Thomas worked in silence, casting nervous glances to where Jesus was still engaged in a passionate discussion. They found the rest of the disciples packing their things, and Judas guessed that Jesus had said they were leaving. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before Jesus returned. A familiar woman tagged along behind him.

“We will discuss this tomorrow.” He said it in a stern tone, but Judas didn’t miss the glint in his eye. Was it pride? Mischief? “For now, it is best to move on to the next town. We don’t want to draw any more attention for a while.”

Chapter Text

It was night, but nobody complained or asked when they’d plan to sleep. Peter and John lead the way, the rest of the disciples various distances behind in their own groups. By some act of God or coincidence, Judas found himself at the back of the group with Jesus and the familiar woman. Judas had finally remembered how he recognized her – she was the one Jesus had cast demons out of when Judas had his panic attack. She looked much healthier and more at peace.

“Judas, this is Mary. You might remember her from the other day? She’ll be joining us,” Jesus explained. “And Mary, this is my friend Judas. We grew up together.”

“Nice to meet you, Judas. You can call me Lena if you’d like. I hear there’s already a Mary.” So, she was from Magdala, Judas thought to himself.

“Yes, it’s nice to meet you officially.” She cringed a little at the reminder of their first meeting, and Judas regretted his wording.

“I imagine you both will get along well, you have a great deal in common,” Jesus commented. Mary – no, Lena – looked confused.

“Demons,” Judas deadpanned, slightly annoyed at Jesus for bringing it up, but also grateful for the interruption. Lena looked surprised, and Judas recounted his story. He’d told it so many times by now it was like a script he’d memorized. He appreciated that Lena didn’t look at him with pity, rather it was a kind of empathy. She was not so quick to share the details of her story, but Judas knew all he needed to know anyway so he didn’t mind. The rest of the walk was in silence, neither Lena nor Judas leaving Jesus’ side.

Eventually they settled down in the early morning, sleeping outside not far from the road. Judas was quick to lay his blanket down with everyone else before he realized that Lena and Jesus weren’t joining him. Jesus started a fire to keep the bugs away, and he fell asleep to the sound of hushed voices.

He awoke after only an hour or so, his body aching from exhaustion and travel. As he debated whether it was worth it to get up for water, he heard Lena whispering and went still.

“I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for freeing me,” she said, presumably to Jesus. Judas recognized the shame in her voice, he knew he’d sounded the same way once. He’d probably said those exact same words, too. Jesus’ response was too quiet for Judas to make out. “Do you know, did you cast out everything,” she sounded scared, “or is it possible there are some that are still there?”

“Why? Do you think there are?” A loud silence followed; Judas watched the stars.

“I’m fond of women.” Her voice was so soft, and Judas could almost hear the tears she was choking back. He wasn’t aware of the way his heart was breathing through his chest, or that he’d forgotten to breathe. “I thought that would go away with the demons, but it didn’t, and I’m so scared I’ll never be healed.” Jesus’s response was soft and serious.

“Every demon in you I cast out. You’ve been healed of everything you needed to be healed of.” he spoke slowly and carefully, and Judas hung on every word as if they were meant for him. “Those were impure spirits, and they were hurting you and breaking you, but now you are whole. There is nothing left in your heart that needs healing.”

The days that followed were long and filled with travel. Judas made his way between groups of people. Sometimes he hung around James, joking about religious leaders and other disciples. Sometimes he walked with Thomas, who now spoke freely all of his deep thoughts. Judas tried to reciprocate the vulnerability, but admittedly he wasn’t very good at it. He enjoyed tagging along behind Lena and Eden, listening to the passionate way they discussed anything and everything. He’d even had the chance to talk to Peter, learning that he and Eden had met years ago when Peter left home with his brother to fish in another town. To Judas, Peter seemed too young to have been working away from home for so long, but he decided not to question it. While he enjoyed the conversations, most often he found himself walking by himself, lost in thought.

He hadn’t stopped thinking about the conversation he’d overheard between Jesus and Lena. It terrified him to know exactly how Lena felt, asking Jesus if she was still broken. Judas had been putting off that feeling for longer than he could remember. And who could blame him? Because if he were to realize, then that had all sorts of implications for the mess of feelings in his stomach every time Jesus looked his way. Did Jesus just make everyone feel that way? He did have a way with people, after all. But then, what about the flutter he felt the day James showed up at the shop. It certainly wasn’t as intense as whatever pining overtook him when Jesus was around, but it didn’t feel platonic, either.

So where did that leave him? If Jesus thought Lena liking women was fine, then would he mind if Judas liked men? And even if he was fine with that, too, what would he say if he found out why Judas had chosen to follow him in the first place? These were the thoughts that had been circling in his head for days now, he was in the middle of re-hashing them once again when Thomas interrupted.

“You look upset, are you alright?”

“Just thinking.”

“Would it help to talk about, you’ve been thinking since we left town and I’ve been worrying about you.” The part of Judas that wanted to bottle up his feelings was barely stronger than his desire to be known.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now. Maybe I’ll tell you another day. You don’t need to worry though.” He tried to look happier from then on.

That evening, they reached a small town and Jesus announced they’d be settling there for a while. Early the next day, Judas was awoken by Jesus.

“I want you to join me today,” he whispered. Judas didn’t bother asking where they were going or what they’d be doing. It didn’t matter. He only nodded. “I need to be transparent with you, though. I am going to visit a young girl with a demon, but I wanted to give you a chance to heal her if you feel up to it,” Judas’ breath caught in his throat. Why did Jesus think he could handle that after how the last exorcism went? Was it some kind of test?

As if he’d read his mind, Jesus quickly continued. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Eventually I’ll be teaching everyone, but I don’t want to take you off guard when I show the whole group. And with your history, I wanted you to get the opportunity to learn first. Your empathy should make it easy, and I think seeing that you have power over them could help you overcome some of that anxiety. I promise you that I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.” Judas thought about it for a moment, and when he got past all the nerves, he had to admit that Jesus had a good point.

“Okay,” he said, which wasn’t much of an answer at all, but Jesus knew what he meant.
The walk to the girl’s house was quiet. Judas’ anticipatory fear for the exorcism was closely rivaled by the terror in his stomach that came with recognizing his feelings for Jesus for what they were. He refused to open his mouth as if a confession would roll off his tongue if it got free. Judas’ heart was still pounding when they reached the house.

Unlike the last house, the door was unlocked. Jesus knocked and they were greeted by a tired looking man who didn’t appear much older than Judas. He thanked them profusely and Jesus graciously assured him it was nothing. He took them to a room, which was surprisingly also unlocked. Inside, it was empty except for a small girl curled up in the corner of the room. Her body shaking with small sobs. Breathe, Judas, breathe. Everything in Judas wanted to run, he hated seeing himself in this girl. He hated God for letting this happen to her. To him. But even more than any of that, he could not let himself walk away.

He glanced at Jesus, who gave him a nod but no instructions. Judas didn’t need them anyway. He made his way to the corner where she lay and sat down beside her. When Jesus cast his demons out it was with tears. When he cast them out of Lena, he used words. Judas knew there were different kinds of demons that responded to different things. He didn’t know what kind these were, so he picked up her hand and let them tell him. The moment he brushed her hand, he began to hear all of the awful things they were telling her. Angry tears pooled in his eyes, all the anxiety he’d felt earlier was replaced by fury.

The demons sensed his presence and began to insult him as well. He was vaguely aware that Jesus was closer now, by the sound of his whispered encouragements. He couldn’t listen to them, he told them to get out, they laughed at him. He could still hear Jesus. Good. You ‘re doing good, Judas. He told them that Jesus said to get out and they stilled in fear. He repeated himself, and heard the voices go silent as the girl's sobs ended with a sigh. He hardly noticed her dad rushing over, or Jesus placing his hand over Judas’ free one. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall until he could find the energy to get up.

Every bone in his body ached, so their walk back was painfully slow. Judas had to lean heavily on Jesus’ arm. Jesus probably could have healed him if he’d asked, but he’d decided long ago not to do that.

“That was really impressive work, Judas, those were no trivial demons. I know how hard that was for you, and I’m proud of you.” Judas’ heart filled with warmth. Jesus was proud of him!

“Do many of them talk like that? Mine never did.”

“Some of them, yes. Hers were very different from yours and Lena’s, they seek to cripple, not to make violent.”

“Is she going to be okay? After everything they said?”

“She won’t remember most of it.”

“It’s not fair,” Judas replied without thinking.

“No, it’s not.”

“It’s not fair that God lets it happen,” he clarified. Jesus was silent. Judas couldn’t bring himself to look over and read his expression.

After some time, they took a break. Now that he’d finished worrying about those demons, his mind was back to some other ones. Or technically, not demons, as Jesus had explained to Lena, but the point still stood. Still high on adrenaline, Judas was feeling bold and not exactly thinking things through before speaking. Which was why, inevitably, he broke the silence.

“I overheard you and Lena talking the other night.” He knew that Jesus knew what he was talking about. Jesus looked at him curiously, waiting for him to respond, but Judas didn’t say anything. What felt like minutes passed in silence and shifting eye contact.

“There is nothing left to be healed in you, either.” Jesus finally said, “I’m assuming that was your question?” How did he know? Did he know? Judas’ mind was spinning again. “I shouldn’t say nothing, do you ever plan to take care of those aches?” Judas looked up.

“I can do that, myself?” He wondered if Jesus was going to correct him, remind him that he was technically calling on Jesus, still.

“Same way you heal everyone else.” Judas tried it and was almost annoyed that it worked so easily. As embarrassed as he was, Jesus was not the type to rub things in, so they left the conversation at that. Although immensely relieved, Judas was slightly disappointed he was without an excuse to hold Jesus’ arm the rest of the way back.

Chapter Text

This new town they’d settled in was conveniently located on the sea of Galilee. Judas spent many of his evenings sitting by the water listening to Jesus teach. Most nights, the audience was only a few disciples. Lena and Thomas among the regulars. Occasionally people from the town would come and listen as well. Jesus was especially thrilled when children and teenagers showed up, Judas could see the smile in his eyes. He’d told Judas once that he sometimes wondered if children were the only ones who really got what he was saying.

Jesus’ teaching style was annoyingly metaphorical. He talked a lot about farmers and seeds but very little about how to practically be a good person and even less about the God he claimed was his father. It might seem like this would be good for Judas, who didn’t like that God very much, but truthfully he would rather Jesus told things the way they were. He did appreciate that if he asked Jesus afterwards what his stories meant, he was patient to explain.

Judas wasn’t the only one who struggled to make sense of things, sometimes Lena would even interrupt a parable to confirm she was understanding correctly. Jesus would then, typically, tell her she was right. Judas would notice Thomas relax when this happened, assuring him he was not alone in his confusion. Most of the time, Lena’s interpretations matched Judas’, but in the instance they were different, he would talk to Jesus later and often learn that there were many different ways to understand the story. Which was equally interesting and frustrating.

After weeks of daily service and nightly lessons, news of Jesus had begun to spread and the evening disciple group had grown significantly. One particular evening, Judas and Thomas showed up at their usual time and found the audience had already spread across the entire shoreline. Instead of pushing their way to the front, they found space by a tree amidst the crowd to recline. Jesus was in a boat, this time, to escape the crowd. Thomas and Judas mused to each other whether the entire town even had this many people.

“Listen!” Jesus called from the boat, and began to talk about seeds again. “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no roots. Other seeds fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seeds fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

Judas had heard enough of Jesus’ stories to have a good idea of what this one meant.

“Do you think it’s fair that a seed can’t control where it falls?” Thomas asked Judas carefully. Judas was wondering the same thing.

“I don’t think so,” he replied. They sat in silence, pondering the parable some more as Jesus droned on about lamps. Thomas finally broke their silence.

“What about people, then, do you think it’s the same? I mean, how can you really compare someone with a lot of thorns in their life with someone whose life is relatively easy? It feels like he’s saying God only cares about the people who don’t encounter issues.” Judas was relieved to know he wasn’t alone in his questions.

“Yeah, I agree, I don’t think that’s fair at all.” Jesus moved on to more seed analogies, talking about growth and harvest, saying how even the smallest bit of faith had a place in God’s kingdom. Thomas smiled at this, but Judas was left wondering if he had any faith at all. They stayed in their spot as the crowd began to disperse, until James found them.

“I’ve been looking for you guys, why weren’t you on the boat?” He asked.

“We weren’t the ones teaching,” Judas responded, honestly. He felt weird being in the spotlight with Jesus, it felt undeserved. James only shrugged.

“Jesus wants us to all go out on the sea with him, now. He says he’ll explain the parables.”

Thomas and Judas agreed and followed James to the shore. When they got on the boat, Jesus was explaining what the different environments represented. It took an hour for Jesus to answer all of the questions about his stories, and even those were just questions about what different parts of the metaphors represented. There were no questions on the actual teachings themselves.

Judas tried to shake the conversation from earlier, with Thomas, out of his head, but he couldn’t help but feel sick to his stomach when he thought about the thorns and rocks and birds. Jesus had slipped off to bed at some point, always surprisingly good at disappearing for how in demand his company was. The rest of the disciples had begun to talk amongst themselves, Thomas listening in on an argument between Lena and Eden. James joking around with John and Peter. Bartholomew was playing music for little James, Philip, and Mary. He figured everyone else was sleeping somewhere below.

Lost in his thoughts, Judas hardly noticed the way the moon had clouded over. Didn’t think much of the faint rumbling he heard in the sky or the way the boat was rocking faster. It took a flash of lightning and a violent crack of thunder to startle him back to the present. Immediately, he hopped up to help with the sails. The seas became choppier and choppier, and Judas found himself hanging on to Simon, who was clinging to the mast as tightly as he could to avoid being thrown out. “For fuck’s sake, would somebody get Jesus up to help!” Peter yelled, passing a rope to the disciples who were unable to reach the mast. “Matthew, don’t hold on to the bulwark goddammit, you’re going to get yourself thrown out.”

Andrew hurried to the stern, practically crawling across the soaked floorboards. It felt like ages before Jesus emerged, calm as can be. “Quiet! Be still!” he commanded. Judas watched in awe as waters calmed and the boat stopped rocking. The clouds cleared from the sky and in minutes you could see stars in all directions. “Why were you so afraid,” Jesus mused, returning to the stern without waiting for an answer.

Judas helped the other disciples bail water from the boat and clean up the disaster left by the storm. As people began to settle for the night, still muttering about miracles and the fear they’d felt before, Judas went to find Jesus. He was laying on a cushion, just under the back deck. Eyes closed, head resting back on his folded arms, looking like the image of peace. Judas couldn’t tear his eyes away. It did not escape his notice that Jesus was somehow completely dry, while Judas’ fingers were still wrinkled, and his shirt had only just stopped dripping.

“Are you going to join me, Judas?” Jesus asked without opening his eyes. Judas’ heart dropped into his stomach and he had to remind himself Jesus had no flirtatious intentions with that statement. Unsure of what to say, he settled next to Jesus, who moved over to share the cushion. Resting his head against Jesus’ chest, he asked Jesus the thing that had been bothering him all evening.

“Thomas and I didn’t understand something in your parable earlier about the seeds,” he explained, “it’s not really fair that a seed can’t control where it falls, don’t you think?”

“Not all of my parables are about salvation, Judas. Sometimes people hear truths and don’t believe them or live them,” Jesus replied gently. “It’s not fair that some people encounter more troubles than others, but I can assure you that the Father understands.” Judas flinched at the mention of “the Father” and Jesus kindly pretended not to notice. “Please believe me, one day none of this will matter.” Judas nodded against Jesus’ side.

“Okay,” he mumbled, and meant it fully because at the end of the day how could he not trust Jesus? He began to let himself drift off before remembering there was more on his mind. “Oh actually, I have one more question.”

“Hmm?” Jesus replied for him to carry on.

“You said even a little faith is enough,” Judas began cautiously, “but what if there’s nothing there?”

“The kingdom is very big, there is room for everyone who wants it.” Judas wasn’t quite comforted, what if he didn’t want it? “And Judas, if you didn’t have faith you couldn’t have cast out demons or healed people. Don’t you think?” This was true enough for Judas to fall asleep untroubled.

He awoke once in the night, pleased to find that Jesus was still there by his side. The next time he woke up, Jesus was gone.

Chapter Text

After the events of the night before, the disciples got a late start to the day. They docked the boat on the other side of the sea somewhere around midday. Judas was one of the last out of the boat, and as he stepped ashore he heard a commotion where Jesus was.

“What do you want with me, Son of God? In God’s name, please don’t torture me!” Judas was able to make out a bedraggled man on his knees at Jesus’ feet.

“What’s happening?” James asked, approaching Judas.

“It looks like he’s been possessed. I think Jesus is going to drive out his demons.” A look of amazement crossed James’ face and Judas realized he’d probably never seen a demon cast out before. That was usually something Jesus did in private. Or with Judas, he supposed. Jesus’ voice rung clear,

“What is your name?”

“My name is Legion,” the man – or more accurately, the demons – replied, “because we are many. Do not send us out of the area, we beg of you.” Jesus seemed to be considering what he was saying. “Send us into the pigs over there on the countryside.” Jesus must have allowed it because the next thing Judas saw was the man collapse and the entire herd of pigs begin squealing and running for the sea.

Judas and James watched in horror as thousands of pigs ran right by them, down the steep bank, and into the sea. It was an awful sound, a cacophony of pained cries. They tried to swim, and maybe if they hadn’t been possessed they’d have been better at it, but as minutes passed it grew quieter and quieter as more and more pigs succumbed to the waves.

Judas’ heart broke. He knew he should be happy for the man who was freed, but the whole time he stood watching the pigs, he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything except grief. And maybe anger. Why the fuck would Jesus agree to that? James, who appeared equally troubled, put his arm around Judas in comfort. Neither of them spoke and all Judas could think about was if that had been him, his life wouldn’t be worth thousands of pigs. He wasn’t sure it was even worth one. And honestly, he was okay with that. He liked pigs.

-----

Instead of finding an inn, the disciples were going to sleep in the boat while they were here. So after Jesus split off with half the disciples, the rest (including Judas and James) headed into town to find food. Judas had most of the money, which he divided up among those who remained so they could shop more efficiently. As they stopped at various market stalls, chatting with the merchants and browsing goods, Judas got distracted at the sight of two boys playing outside of a house. They looked to only be seven or eight, and they were practicing letters in the sand. Judas saw himself in the frailer of the two. He watched a woman step out of the house, interrupting them to call them inside for dinner. It felt like a window into his past and in his chest he felt a nostalgic yearning for his uncomplicated childhood friendship. When Jesus only did good things with his power and Judas never had to question it. A time when he still had his mother. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there when Thomas touched his shoulder to lead him on. Mercifully, he didn’t ask any questions.

Once they’d made it back to where the boat was docked, Judas disappeared below deck to sleep. He felt bad for not helping cook with the others on shore, but the smell of food would’ve made him nauseous anyway. He was homesick for people who didn’t exist anymore and he didn’t know how to shake that grief from his body. And on top of all that, he was still sad about the pigs. In his self-pity, he didn’t hear Peter join him below deck.

“Are you good, man?” he asked, “Dinner's ready, the others wanted me to see if you wanted some.”

“I’m not hungry,” Judas mumbled. Peter took a seat beside where he was laying.

“I didn’t think you would be, to be honest.” He didn’t say anything else for a while, half waiting for Judas to speak, half deciding whether he should say anything. Finally, he ended up going on.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong or anything, I figure it’s probably hard to be around demons after everything you’ve been through. I just wanted to make sure you were okay and knew you had people to support you if you want.” This was all it took for Judas to break down.

“I just don’t get why he let them kill all those pigs, it’s not fair,” he began. Peter didn’t say anything, so Judas continued. “It’s probably not even worth it. I mean, that guys’ going to be fucked up and ostracized anyways for the rest of his life so it’s not like he’s even that much better off,” Judas doesn’t really believe this, but he’s so angry that he feels like he does. “And then I saw some kids and I saw their mom and it was like I was seeing myself, you know? And it’s not even fair because it’s not like my childhood was the kind of thing you can really miss, but I did. I miss the friend I had when I was young because I don’t even recognize him anymore sometimes. Like he used to make my toys move and stuff to make me feel better, and we loved that. He loved animals, he was so gentle with them. And it’s not like I really miss my home or my town or anything, because my home was really my mom. But she’s gone and she’s never going to hold me again and I was never able to make up for all the trouble I gave her as a kid. She never got the kind of life she deserved. Like my dad was a total asshole, he was just never there for her. For us, I mean. And she was a fucking saint. And she had to be the one to die. She prayed every day, you know. She loved God more than anyone I’ve ever met but it was one-sided I guess, because she got to die and then people like my father and I are still around just taking and taking and taking.”

Judas was choking on tears by now, his words catching on broken sobs as he gasped for air to keep going, but found himself unable to continue. Peter just sat and listened until he was sure Judas was done.

“I don’t know you that well, and I know I’ve never met your parents, but I don’t think it’s fair to compare yourself to your father. You’re too kind to hurt an animal, you don’t strike me as the sort of person to leave your spouse and kid. And your mom sounds like she loved you. It sounds like you loved her. I think she was lucky to have you, and she’d be proud I bet, if she saw the way you’re helping others. And happy you and Jesus reconnected, and that you have all of us.” Peter trailed off. Judas was still wiping away tears, now trying not to hiccup. He couldn’t deny that Peter was right. His mother would be proud of him.

“Sometimes I miss my dad, too.” Judas wasn’t planning to say that. He was barely aware he’d thought it, but now that he’d said it out loud he realized it was true.

“Yeah, I get that. I miss my parents, too, and they were kind of shit.” Judas was momentarily distracted from his own mourning, immediately curious to hear more about Peter’s past.

“Is that why you left to fish so young?” Peter nodded.

“It wasn’t safe for me. I needed to go somewhere where nobody knew me or cared, and I found that on the sea. Took my brother and never went back. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it a lot. Or wish I somehow could’ve stayed.” Judas couldn’t relate perfectly, but he understood the feeling well enough. “And what you said about missing who a person was, before? I know that feeling, too.” Judas didn’t probe further, sensing that that was all Peter was willing to share. So instead the two of them sat for a while in each other's company, listening to the waves crash against the boat. Eventually, Judas did eat dinner.

The next day all anyone talked about was how Jesus had apparently brought a dead girl back to life. Leave it to Judas to miss all the fun again thanks to a breakdown. Thomas and Lena filled him in as they cooked breakfast.

“One of the synagogue leaders here came up to him yesterday while we were walking, I swear he knew it was going to happen, too. It’s like he always knows somehow,” Lena explained. “And he told Jesus his daughter was sick so we were following him to the house, because the guy just kept begging. And wait, fuck, I forgot, on the way this lady must have touched Jesus’ robe or something because he was like ‘who touched me’ which was fucking crazy because we were in a crowd and anyone could have touched him. But he knew it was her and told her that her faith had healed her,” Judas liked Lena’s storytelling almost as much as the story itself, she put so much energy into telling.

“When we got to the guy’s house his daughter was definitely dead. Like fucking grey and shit, it was freaky. And Jesus told her to get up, so she just did and she was completely fine.” Before Judas could comment, Thomas cut in to add on.

“And then he told us not to tell anyone, but of course we’re going to tell people? And there was a whole crowd of people there who saw anyways so what did he think they were going to do?” Judas didn’t know what to say. Only Jesus could cast 2000 demons out of someone and then go and raise a girl from the dead in the same day. He was more than a little disappointed to have missed it.

After that miracle, they didn’t stay very long. Jesus didn’t like drawing attention, and raising people from the dead attracted exactly that. After only a couple days here, Jesus announced that he was going to his hometown (which also happened to be Judas’ hometown, of course).

He explained that a childhood friend of his was getting married, so he would be going to the wedding. He also told the disciples they were free to join him or take care of their own business over the next couple weeks, and that they would all meet up again in another town where his cousins lived, then. This was a change of pace, and not an unwelcome one, either. Judas was curious how things in the shop were going without him, and he had wanted to go to the wedding. Before he’d left, talk was everywhere about Noah and Abigail’s wedding. He’d been a little disappointed to think he’d miss it, so he was glad to have a chance to go.

Chapter Text

That evening, everyone was busy making their plans. John and James were going home to visit family, and Peter, Eden, and Andrew were going with them. Philip and Bartholemew had friends in a town over, and Mary sounded like she was considering joining them. Martha was going back home, not far from where Jesus and Judas were headed. Thomas and Matthew were going to visit their family, Judas hadn’t realized they were from the same town as each other. It sounded like the rest of the disciples also had family or friends to visit and things to take care of. They’d only been with Jesus for a few months, so many of them had loose ends to tie up, having initially left so suddenly. In the end, it was only Judas and Jesus going to the wedding, which Judas was both thrilled about and dreading.

Their travel was uneventful, it was a few days’ journey which the three of them (Martha was traveling with them for most of the way) spent talking about mostly frivolous things. He’d never heard Martha laugh so much, it was clear she had missed home. Judas had always seen her as a sort of stick in the mud, and while he appreciated that she was one of the most rational and least likely to ask him intrusive questions, he’d occasionally found her boring and at worst, overbearing. He was changing his mind on this, however, finding when she relaxed she could be very pleasant company. And it turned out that Jesus was good at helping people relax. Because, well, of course he was. He was almost disappointed when it was time for her to split off. When they finally arrived in town, their first stop was to visit the marketplace. While Jesus looked for food, Judas went to his old stall, anxious to see how the shopkeeper was doing. To his surprise, a young girl was tending to the animals, the shopkeeper nowhere to be found. Judas’ heart dropped. Had he died?

“Hello sir, can I help you?” the girl asked.

“Hi, I’m looking for the shopkeeper. Is he alright? I used to work here, we were friends.”

“He left early today, he gets tired a lot.” Judas felt relief wash over him.

“Yeah, that sounds about right. Next time you see him, can you tell him I was here? I’ll be in town for a little while.”

“Sure, no problem. What’s your name?”

“Judas,” the girl’s eyes widened.

“Wait, you’re friends with that Jesus guy, aren’t you? He healed you, right?”

“That Jesus guy has healed a lot of people, but yeah, I am,” Judas replied smiling.

“But you were the first?”

“That I was,” Judas had never thought of that and realizing how special that made him had him grinning uncontrollably. He started to walk away and then paused. “What’s your name?”

“Tamar,”

“Nice to meet you, Tamar.”

Jesus had already finished the shopping by the time Judas caught up with him. They both headed towards Judas’ old house, although Judas was unsure of what he’d find there.

“I got bread, fruit, and cheese,” Jesus explained, “I hope that’s alright, I noticed you don’t really eat much meat.”

“Thanks. I can’t always stomach it when I think of where it’s coming from, you know?” Jesus nodded thoughtfully in response.

Judas’ house was in a similar state to how he’d left it, messy from his leaving in a hurry, but otherwise not bad.

“After all these years it still looks the same,” Jesus commented, looking around.

“I couldn’t bring myself to change anything after mom died.” Jesus looked at him softly.

“I heard that the day after the storm was a rough one for you,” he said gently, setting the food out of the table. Judas sat down and tried not to let himself get bitter.

“Yeah there was a lot going on, I guess,” he replied coolly.

“Are you still mad at me for the pigs.”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“There were so many demons, Judas, and they really did have to go somewhere. If it wasn’t the pigs I imagine it would’ve been somewhere worse.”

“You couldn’t just get rid of them? Send them back to hell?”

“Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. They need a vessel. In a similar way that sins need a physical vessel to be atoned for in sacrifice.”

“Well that’s fucking stupid,” Judas replied, fully aware of how childish he was acting.

“It is, you’re right.” Judas was softened by this, bitterness replaced by the warmth of being understood. Damn Jesus. He had more questions, but he knew better than to push.

As much as he hated arguing with Jesus, he did feel better to have gotten that off his chest. And now that he wasn’t so angry, he could appreciate the present moment. Jesus was in his house! They made small talk as they ate, trying to diffuse the tension from earlier. Judas’ mind was not in the topics of old friends and past weddings, however. He couldn’t pull his eyes from Jesus’ hands, calloused and clean, his nails kept short. They were really nice hands for someone who’d spend most his life as a carpenter. Although Judas wondered how much of his work he’d cheated on once he left Nazareth.

It wasn’t just his hands, his hair, too, was kept neat. It had grown long in the months of traveling. Judas liked the length, although he would like any way Jesus had his hair, because he was Jesus and nothing could possibly look bad on him. He wanted so badly to run his hands through it. Let his hand rest on Jesus’ chin, pull his face close… God, this wedding had his mind in places it shouldn’t be. Jesus almost seemed to read his mind.

“Before the wedding tomorrow, I’d like your help trimming my hair. I’ve been neglecting it, I’m afraid to say, and I can never quite get the back to look right on my own.” Judas agreed, trying not to appear too eager.

“I believe my father left old wedding garments we can use,” he added.

“That will be perfect,” Jesus replied, then paused. “Are you sure you’ll be alright wearing them?”

“Oh he won’t care, hasn’t been around in ages, I imagine he forgot he had them.”

“I was talking about you.”

“Oh.” Judas was taken aback, “Yeah, I’ll be fine I think. Never saw him wear them anyways.”

After they’d cleared the food from the table, Judas went to prepare his bed. He was about to offer Jesus his mother’s bed when Jesus asked if he could sleep in Judas’ room.

“I miss her, too. I’m not sure I could handle sleeping in there,” he explained. Judas understood.
It wasn’t the first time they’d slept together. Well not slept together. But this felt more intimate than the time in the boat. Judas tried not to let his mind wander like it had been earlier. This time, Jesus rested his head against Judas’ chest. Judas laid as still as possible, almost scared to breathe. He hoped Jesus couldn’t hear his heart pounding against his chest. Eventually he felt Jesus’ breaths slow so that he was sure he was asleep, and only then could he relax.

Chapter Text

There wasn’t time to sleep in the next morning, but they both did anyway. Nothing compared to waking up next to Jesus. Looking over into his sleepy eyes as the pale morning sun fell on their faces, Judas thought to himself that he didn’t want to leave this moment, ever. He figured it might be the best he ever got. And if it was, he’d be perfectly content with that.

After a quick breakfast, he found a pair of scissors and cut Jesus’ hair as promised. It was thick and soft, and it was every bit as lovely to run his hands through as Judas had imagined. When he finished, he took a little more time than necessary to fluff and style it. Jesus didn’t seem to notice or mind. Judas was able to find suitable clothes for them to wear, and as long as he didn’t think about who they belonged to, he was very pleased with how they looked. They fit Judas much better. On Jesus, they fell just a bit too short. He didn’t care.

The day was already sweltering. They took their time heading to the wedding feast, so when they arrived the bride and groom had already processed in.

“My parents were going to come, but they have a long way to travel so we may not see them until tomorrow,” Jesus explained. Judas was pleased to hear he’d be seeing Mary and Joseph, he’d missed them.

They mingled with some of the other guests, acquaintances Judas knew from school as a child or from working the shop. The news of Jesus’ ministry had many people coming up to the two of them to offer their opinions on his sabbath stance or telling him about some friend’s cousin who had demons. Just when the socializing was getting tiring, Judas spotted Tamar, from the shop.

“Let’s get away from the crowd and talk to her,” Judas suggested. Jesus readily agreed. “Hey Tamar!” Judas called. She turned towards them, her face lighting up when she saw Jesus. Jesus greeted her,

“Tamar, it’s nice to see you again,” he said. Judas turned to Jesus,

“You know her?” He asked.

“Of course I do, I cast her demons out a few months ago. Same kind as yours were, actually.” Judas turned to Tamar this time,

“You had demons?” She nodded. “You didn’t mention that yesterday.”

“Duh. Do you go around telling people you used to be possessed?” It was a fair point.

Mercifully, Jesus cut in at this point to ask her about her brothers and parents. How he remembered all this was beyond Judas, but he listened politely, happy for the break from conversation. It turned out she was a cousin of Noah’s, which Judas should have picked up on earlier. The resemblance was obvious now that he thought about it. Her parents were very involved with the wedding, so she’d been left to herself and told to not cause any trouble. This was how Judas and Jesus ended up at the kids table.

Jesus was a natural when it came to kids, and Judas couldn’t get enough of watching him interact. Whenever a child asked him to pass a dish or refill their cup, he did it without lifting a finger. Their expressions were priceless, it reminded him of the kinds of pranks Jesus would pull as a kid. He hadn’t seen Jesus use his powers for frivolous things in a long time, it seemed he preferred to keep them for important things that he couldn’t do without them. It was nice to see him let loose a bit.

While Judas didn’t mind children, he wasn’t as sure about how to interact with them. He figured some wine would help, but Jesus insisted they needed to wait until the children went home before they started drinking. Judas was not very pleased with this, but he didn’t argue. Soon enough, however, the food was finished and he found himself showing one of the quieter kids how to draw various animals in the sand. He’d forgotten how much he enjoyed art, and completely lost himself in drawing so that he didn’t even notice the time pass. A mother finally came to collect the kid Judas was drawing with, and it was only then that he realized how long it had been. Saying goodnight to the kid, he stood up to find Jesus.

He finally glimpsed him talking to Noah and Abigail, and headed over. As he neared them, he watched Jesus slip away.

“Abigail, you look beautiful,” he greeted, then added “You too, Noah.” Noah laughed.

“Feels like it’s been ages. I know I’ve seen you around, but I don’t think we’ve talked since school.”

“You haven’t missed too much, I imagine you heard about my mother.”

“I did, I’m so sorry. It’s been a few years now, right?” Judas nodded.

“Other than that, I’m sure Jesus has filled you in on the latest?”

“Yes, we were just talking about that. I told him we really aren’t in a good place to travel right now, gotta take care of Abigail’s parents. But if you’re ever around or need anything at all we’d love to offer anything we can.” Judas knew he meant it.

Jesus returned and slipped a glass of wine into Judas’ hands. Finally.

“Drink up, you guys,” Noah smiled, “we paid good money for that.”

“If we’d known you were going to be here, Jesus, we wouldn’t have bothered,” Abigail joked. Jesus laughed, Judas had heard about the wedding in Cana that Jesus had supplied with wine.

“Well if you run out, you know where to look,” he replied with a grin.

While Abigail and Noah headed off to mingle, Judas and Jesus found a tree to stand by at the edge of the dancefloor. It was away from the main crowd of guests, which Judas appreciated. As he made his way through his glass of wine, he watched somewhat mournfully as the other guests danced with each other.

“Do you think you’ll ever marry?” He asked Jesus. Jesus shook his head no.

“Not your Father’s plan?” Judas asked, emphasizing the word “father” rather dramatically. Jesus gave him a wry smile.

“Something like that.” Judas noticed that he didn’t return the question. He probably knew the answer already.

The wine was strong, but it took a few more glasses before he found himself on the dancefloor. An only slightly tipsy Jesus joined him. Dancing was not something Judas would ever do sober, but he loved it drunk. He liked to move his body how he pleased, not worrying about what anyone else would think. He danced by himself, mostly, but didn’t fight it when he got the urge to spin Jesus around. The height difference made it a little awkward, but from the way Jesus collapsed in fits of laughter, Judas had no doubt he liked it.

Jesus was absolutely perfect, Judas thought, admiring his flushed cheeks in the warm lantern-light. He couldn’t stop stealing glances at his messed up hair or relaxed grin. Although the glances probably lingered a little too long to be considered glances. Alright, he was staring. But so what? He couldn’t be bothered to care right now. Jesus acted like he didn’t notice at all. He didn’t return Judas’ stares, but he took his hands and swayed and spun him exactly the way Judas wanted. So Judas felt warm and content.

It was early in the morning when they returned to Judas’ house. He relied heavily on Jesus’ arm to get there without falling over. He’d not-so-subtly managed to sneak even more wine while Jesus had long sobered up. Jesus put him to bed, making him drink as much water as he could stomach before crawling in beside him. To the relief of future Judas, he was not in much of a mood for talking so there was no spilling secrets. He did, however, wrap his arms all the way around Jesus' neck and fall asleep half on top of him without letting go. And Jesus let him.

Judas slept all day the next day. When he awoke in the afternoon, Jesus was gone. A full jug of water was left on the table with some leftover bread and a note saying he was out with his parents. Surprisingly, Judas didn’t feel awful. He’d definitely felt better but sleeping in had helped. He figured last night should probably be a sign to hold back, worrying if he let himself go again, he wouldn’t be so lucky not to ruin his friendship with a confession. As it was, he was a bit anxious to see Jesus again, not sure whether he’d bring up anything from the night before. But the way Jesus felt in his arms last night? He craved it. Thankfully, it wasn’t long before Jesus returned with Mary and Joseph.

“Judas!” Mary exclaimed the moment she entered the house, arms outstretched to pull Judas into an embrace. “It’s been so long, how are you?”

“I’m good. You came at a good time, I just woke up,” he laughed.

“We’re sad to have missed the first day, travel takes longer when you get old like us,” she joked.

“Good thing there’s six more,” Joseph added, flashing a gentle smile in Judas’ direction. If it weren’t for the son of God thing, Judas would say Jesus got his smile from him.

“Are you guys staying over? I can put your bags in my mother’s old room.”

“No, dear, we actually thought it would be better to stay in the inn. Some old friends of ours run it now so we thought we could catch up with them. That way we aren’t troubling you, anyway.” Judas’ first instinct was to worry they didn’t feel welcome. His second instinct was to worry Jesus would be staying in the inn with them.

“There’s no extra bed for this one,” Joseph gestured to Jesus as if reading Judas’ mind, “so you’ll have to put up with him some more.” Judas hoped his relief wasn’t obvious.

He changed the subject, and they spent the next hour discussing the latest in Jesus’ ministry. Jesus had already filled them in, but he’d conveniently left out all of the funny stories, so Judas took it upon himself to update them. He also learned that Joseph was stepping out of his carpentry, passing it on to an apprentice now that he was aging. They were both in good enough health, though, and spent most of their time traveling to meet with old friends. After the wedding, they planned to stay in Nazareth for a while longer and Judas offered them his house for when he and Jesus left. He didn’t see the point in it sitting empty, Mary and Joseph gladly accepted.

Soon it was time for them to go back to the inn and get ready, so goodbyes were said, and it was Jesus and Judas alone again. Jesus, mercifully, did not mention the night before, except to ask how he was feeling. He talked for a while about his parents, and how it was to see them age, as they changed into their wedding attire. When they made it to the wedding, they were able to avoid the kids table this time, sitting with Mary and Joseph instead.

He ended up in an interesting conversation with Joseph about woodcarving techniques, something he had very little experience in but a lot of curiosity about. And while earlier he’d told himself he wasn’t going to drink as much this time, Joseph kept pouring him more, setting a difficult pace to match.

The night passed much like the previous one, although with Jesus’ parents around they didn’t do nearly as much dancing. And Judas was managing to refrain from staring, at least for the most part. Jesus continued to tell people about his Father, and Judas wondered if it would be rude to ask Joseph what he thought of all of the “Father” talk. What were the social rules around talking about your heavenly father in front of your earthly one? It was truly a problem only Jesus would have.

Chapter Text

The next couple evenings went similarly, and Judas spent his days helping in his old market stall. After the fourth night of the wedding, Judas was laying in bed waiting for Jesus to join him. He didn’t have to wait for long, because soon Jesus was beside him. They’d only stayed for an hour or so after dinner this time. With no intentions of getting drunk, there wasn’t much reason to stay.

“I don’t know that I have another day of this in me,” Jesus sighed.

“Me either.”

“Do you want to say our goodbyes tomorrow morning and leave early for my cousins’?”

“That would be perfect.”

So that was that. There were many things that Jesus was good at, but disappearing had to be at the top.

It was early afternoon by the time the two left Nazareth. They’d slept in, then took their time saying goodbye to Jesus’ parents. Judas was becoming aware that this was the last of their time alone, and while he missed the rest of the disciples, he was desperate to make the most of their travel.

“How long has it been since you’ve seen your cousins,” he asked, hoping to learn more of Jesus’ lore.

“Years.” He paused for a while and Judas wondered whether he was going to elaborate. “We lived with them when we moved from Nazareth, but I went off on my own for a few years before I started my ministry.”

“What did you do in those few years?”

“Prayed, fasted, worked. Learned.”

“Is that when you found out God was your father,” Judas asked, still not quite convinced but willing to play along.

“No, I’ve always known that.” Judas felt betrayed. Even as kids? If he’d known then, why hadn’t he ever brought it up? As if reading his mind, Jesus continued. “My parents knew of course, but I didn’t like to tell people. It took a long time before I fully understood what that meant for me. Sometimes I thought about telling you, but you didn’t even believe God existed. Or if you did, you didn’t like him at all.” The betrayal mixed with guilt. Shouldn’t a best friend feel like they can tell you anything? Had Judas failed that miserably to make Jesus feel like he couldn’t? After all Jesus had done for him – casting out his demons, teaching him to read – and he couldn’t even return the favor by being trustworthy to confide in. Judas decided that if he did nothing else with his life, he would make it up to Jesus.

“Do you still think it’s a hoax,” Jesus wondered a little while later.

“Think what is a hoax?”

“God.” Judas wasn’t sure. He wanted to say no, how do you tell your best friend you don’t believe in his dad? And wouldn’t that be calling Jesus a liar? The thing was, he mostly believed Jesus. So by that logic, God had to be real, right?

“No, I guess not. But a loving one who’s worth my time? Absolutely I think it’s a hoax.” Jesus seemed to ponder this for a while. Judas started at his feet, worrying he’d upset him with his response. As much as he wished he could, Judas thought to himself that he could not be the kind of person Jesus liked.

“What about me?” Judas stopped walking and looked up at Jesus. Without an ounce of hesitation he responded,

“You’re the only hoax I believe in.” A smile flickered across Jesus’ face that he immediately tried to hide. Judas hoped that this was enough.

They walked long through the night, neither wanting to drag the trip out another day. The rest of their walk was pretty quiet. The sleepier Judas got, the more he found himself walking too close to Jesus’ side. And the closer he found himself to Jesus, the more their hands brushed. It was an accident. But it was an accident that Judas liked more than he’d ever admit.

They arrived early in the morning, while it was still dark. As they entered the town, Judas noticed that it was much larger than the other towns he’d been in. He was marveling at the size of the marketplace, when he saw a girl a ways away walking towards their street. He turned to Jesus.

“What do you think she’s doing out this early,” Judas asked. Jesus didn’t answer right away, he was looking very intently at the girl as if trying to make something out.

“I think that’s one of my cousins, but it’s hard to see.” Sure enough, her voice rang out.

“Jesus! Is that you?” Jesus lit up.

“Sal!” He called back, walking faster. Now that they were closer, Judas noticed her hair and dress looked disheveled.

“Simon and James showed up a few days ago and said you’d be on the way,” she explained, “I’m so glad you’re back. How long are you staying?”

“As long as the Father wishes,” Jesus replied. Judas couldn’t help but think this sounded a little pretentious, but then he heard Sal laugh and realized it was a joke. “I’m honestly not sure, though, I don’t know that the people here will be receptive to my teachings.”

“Yeah, mom is the same as always. James was telling her about your miracles and I heard her telling dad she doesn’t want him going back with you.” Jesus looked pained by this. Judas wished he could comfort him, but not knowing how, decided to take the moment to clear things up.

“Simon and little James are your cousins?”

“Yes. There’s also Rachel, Leah, Joseph, and believe it or not, Judas. But I believe he goes by Jude so don’t worry, you’re still special.” Judas hated that Jesus knew he’d be annoyed to share someone’s name. It made him sound selfish and silly.

“And who are you,” Sal interrupted, looking at Judas.

“A childhood friend.”

“Wait,” she exclaimed, a look of realization crossing her face, “are you the Judas? Jesus used to talk about you all the time, we used to joke that he had a crush.” Judas glanced at Jesus, expecting to see some sign of embarrassment. Instead, Jesus was smiling good-naturedly. Of course he was, Judas envied the way he seemed to live his life without shame. Judas was ashamed of everything.

“He is the Judas, we reconnected a few months ago when I was back in Nazareth,” Jesus explained, “And I’d love to catch up some more, but we’d better start heading towards your place, yes? I imagine you want to get back before your mom sees you’ve been out?” Sal turned bright pink.

“You won’t tell her, will you? She doesn’t mind when Joseph or Jude disappear and come back looking dissolute but if she caught me she’d have my head.” She looked at Judas and explained, “Once I wore a dress that was a bit tight and she lost her shit saying how she ‘didn’t raise a whore.’ The woman is a nightmare.” Judas nodded, unsure of how to respond, but Jesus just laughed.

“I won’t tell her, don’t worry. Carouse all you want.”

Judas enjoyed watching Jesus’ dynamic with his cousin. He was a little jealous of how close they were – he’d never met his cousins – but he found it to be sweet.

Judas woke up in the afternoon. His sleep schedule this past week was fucked, he didn’t know how Jesus did it. When they’d arrived at the house this morning, Sal had snuck in first. Jesus and Judas waited outside for a few minutes to give her enough time to get settled as if she’d been sleeping before they entered with a bit less caution. The operation had gone smoothly and Simon, who was up surprisingly early, found Judas a mat to sleep on while he and Jesus caught up.

Now he was working up the courage to enter the main room of the house. There were a lot of people to meet and the thought of it overwhelmed him. He got up anyway, folding his blanket and leaving it neatly with his mat. He’d heard enough from Sal last night about her mother to know he needed to be a polite guest.

As expected, the main room was crowded. It seemed that Jesus had not managed to slip away and was in the middle of being interrogated by a woman Judas assumed to be his aunt while two small girls crawled all over him. He realized they must be Rachel and Leah, and wondered if it was strange he found it off-putting to name children after two women known mostly for a birth-giving contest. Besides, wouldn’t that set them up to be enemies? He was probably overthinking. As he entered the room, Jesus’ aunt didn’t even look his way. Sal did, though, and gave him a warm smile. He didn’t want to sit by her in fears of giving away they’d already met, so instead he found little James and asked what he’d been up to.

James did not shut up. He told Judas how he’d spent each day, and mentioned multiple times how his mother didn’t want him to go back (always followed with “but I don’t care what she says. She’s not the boss of me, God is.” with all the confidence of a fourteen-year-old). He complained about how Rachel and Leah always wanted to play with dolls, but Judas could see he admired his sisters and was proud to be their older brother. He told some stories about Simon and Sal that Judas was sure they wouldn’t have wanted shared. And honestly, he enjoyed it. It kept him from having to contribute much.

When dinner time came, Judas discovered that for as much of a bitch Jesus’ aunt was, she was an excellent cook. It was almost enough to make him like her. Almost. He’d also learned the aunt’s name was Salome, presumably where Sal got her name. After dinner, a whole group of Jesus’ disciples showed up – James, Peter, Eden, John, and Andrew. At first, Salome was displeased, but her husband insisted that the company would be nice and that their house was plenty big enough for everyone. Still, it was decided that everyone else who showed up would stay with Zechariah and Elizabeth across town.

Salome made herself scarce after that, so the rest of the evening was spent laughing over wine that Jesus’ uncle had brought out for the occasion. He was engaged in a passionate conversation with Peter and Andrew about fishing, while John and James caught up with Simon. Judas chatted with Eden and Sal, listening to Eden talk about her family. As he listened, he noticed Sal looking at Eden with a reverence in her eyes. Oblivious, Eden was telling a story about her father.

“He loves Peter like a son, it’s so sweet to watch them talk. And Peter’s so good to them. They’re getting old and he’s just so helpful. They really do love him, but lately dad’s been on us to get married soon.” Sal perked up at this comment,

“You don’t want to get married, then?” She asked. Eden hesitated.

“It’s not that,” she trailed off.

“Oh, so he won’t pop the question? Is that it?”

“It’s not that, either,” Eden paused, glancing towards Peter. “It’s just not our time,” she finally said, unconvincingly. Judas and Sal didn’t push.

“Do you have a girl?” Sal turned to Judas, changing the subject.

“Nope.”

“Because they don’t want you or you don’t want them?”

“I don’t want them,” he replied simply. Eden smirked, and Sal looked taken aback.

“Who do you want, then?” Judas’ eyes involuntarily flickered to where Jesus was sitting across the room. He thought it was subtle enough, but apparently it wasn’t too subtle for Eden because a grin broke out across her face.

“I think I know,” she joked, raising her eyebrows. Judas’ heart sank. If Eden knew, it was only a matter of time before everyone else found out, right? Sensing Judas’ stress, she continued “Judas, you’re not exactly subtle. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wondered.”

“Wait, who is it?” Sal interrupted. Eden smiled again, mischievously, and nodded towards Jesus. Judas sank his head into his hands, wanting to disappear in embarrassment. But also relieved, somehow. Having his secret out made it less scary, and he had to admit that there was something fun about boy-talk with Eden and Sal. “No way,” Sal exclaimed a little too loud, attracting looks from throughout the room. Eden elbowed her to quiet down and Sal gave Judas the smuggest grin he’d ever seen. That’s what he got for not being more careful, he figured. Changing the subject, he turned to Sal,

“Your turn, want to tell us about whoever it was who had you so flushed when we ran into you last night?” It was Sal’s turn to blush.

“Ooh yes, tell us,” Eden coaxed.

“He doesn’t mean anything to me. Just a boy who tells me I’m pretty.”

“I don’t know, it looked to me like he does a lot more than that,” Judas commented. Sal’s blush deepened.

“Well yeah, that too. But it’s nothing serious. There’s not a man in this town who’s marriage material so I’m not bothering. If I find a man who’s worth signing my life away to, I’ll settle down. But until then I’m going to have fun.”

“Cheers to that,” Eden replied, taking a deep sip of her wine.

Chapter Text

Throughout the rest of the week, more disciples trickled in. Days were spent between Salome’s and Elizabeth’s. In both houses the wine was kept flowing and there was never a shortage of conversation. Judas was thrilled to see Thomas and Lena again, he hadn’t realized how much he’d missed them until they were back. There was much less healing done in this town, simply because everyone knew Jesus as Mary and Joseph’s son rather than the son of God. They hadn’t seen his miracles in his younger childhood, so they weren’t so quick to believe he wasn’t a hoax. By the end of the week, Jesus had determined that it was a waste of time to stay any longer. That sabbath, after everyone had returned from the temple (or everyone who had gone, at least), Jesus announced they’d be splitting up.

“We’ll leave tomorrow. You will be split into groups, take nothing but a staff – no bread, no bag, no money. Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, leave. Thomas, Peter, James, Eden, Lena, and Judas, I want you to head west. When you go out to heal and preach, split into groups of two.
Andrew, John, Philip, Matthew, Thaddeus, and Bartholomew, you are going southeast. Simon, younger James, Mary, Martha, and Sal, you head southwest. I’d prefer if your group split into a group of three and a group of two so nobody is going out alone.” Judas was surprised but pleased to hear Sal was also joining, though slightly disappointed to be in a different group than her. He’d grown fond of her company.

The rest of the night was spent planning who would split off with whom, mapping out which towns to cover, and making the most of time with friends in other groups before they were to leave. Judas found himself sulking as he thought about being away from Jesus for an indefinite time. They’d barely spoken to each other this week which was a big difference from the week before at the wedding. And now who knew how long it would be. Maybe it was selfish of him to think so, but it wasn’t fair. After a long time of sitting alone feeling sorry for himself, he went to find Jesus.

Jesus was not the type to let himself be found unless he wanted to. It was part of his disappearing thing. Still Judas was not going to waste his last chance at seeing him. He headed towards Zechariah and Elizabeth’s, despite dusk falling. Most people were in their houses, spending time with their families and resting, so the streets were fairly empty. He eventually did see Jesus, although not where he expected. He was standing outside a house Judas didn’t recognize, talking to a man in the doorway. Not wanting to make himself seen yet, he stood behind a tree and listened to the conversation from the other side of the street.

He only picked out some of the things Jesus was saying. Something about the kingdom, something about faith. Jesus seemed angry and Judas wondered if it was about the town’s unbelief. If Jesus hated the town so much for not believing, what did that say about Judas? He was all of a sudden feeling very insecure. It was not an unfamiliar feeling, when all of the other disciples seemed more faithful and more capable.

And they were better at talking, which had been pointed out earlier when his group was determining what pairs to split into. Peter had said “we should make sure Judas goes with someone who can preach well.” He was right, of course, but it still hurt. Judas remembered being the last to learn to heal, one of the last to start following. He still felt sometimes like he was catching up on inside jokes. He was the one who never went to the temple on Sundays, the one who was always questioning things the rest of the disciples accepted without a problem.

And yeah, there were people like Thomas, Lena, and James, who were a bit more like him, but even they seemed better. To think that he was all of these things and to also be pathetically in love with Jesus, someone who stood for so many things Judas could never be, was almost more than he could bear. He made up his mind to head back, forget about talking to Jesus. He wasn’t even sure he could follow him anymore. Not that he didn’t want to, following Jesus was the only thing he’d ever wanted to do, it was just that he didn’t think he could.

He slipped out from behind the tree and walked right into Jesus. Shit.

“How long were you planning to hide there?”

“I was going to talk to you, but you looked busy and I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Ah, I see. I finished talking a few minutes ago, I was waiting for you to come out.”

“I must have gotten distracted,” it wasn’t really a lie, but it sounded unconvincing.

“Well, I’m free now. What did you want to talk about?” Judas hadn’t actually planned for that. He just wanted to be around Jesus. After overhearing the conversation, he did have something to ask. But did he want to hear the answer?

“I’m actually not quite sure. I just wanted to see you.” Jesus laughed.

“It’s not like you’re never seeing me again.”

“Will it be like last time then, you disappear for years and then show up without warning. And I just follow you no questions asked?” He didn’t know where these words came from, he immediately regretted them when he saw a flash of hurt on Jesus' face. Despite himself, he kept going. “Why did you even want me to follow you in the first place? I’m no better than the people in this town, am I? How can I preach when I don’t even know what I believe? I can only heal because of a loophole.” He wanted to continue, but choked on his own tears instead.

He didn’t fight it when Jesus reached out to hold him. They stood like that for a full minute before Jesus responded.

“I’m sorry I left you. I couldn’t stop my parents from moving, but when I got older I had a million chances to go back to you and I didn’t. I’m sorry, I would’ve understood if you wanted nothing to do with me.” He slowly ran his hand through Judas’ hair. “I’m surprised you stay, sometimes. But I’m glad you do. You understand the kingdom better than most.”

“But I don’t believe,” Judas whispered against Jesus’ chest.

“Judas, this town doesn’t care for the poor, the sick, the oppressed. You only really met my aunt, but believe me when I say that’s how most of the people in this town are. It’s not just that they don’t believe I am God’s son, it’s that they don’t show mercy on each other. They certainly don’t show mercy on foreigners. But you? You even have mercy for the pigs. You have empathy that can’t be taught, do you know how refreshing it is? To not have to convince someone to love their neighbor? Because you just get it.” Judas didn’t say anything, he just held Jesus tighter. When they pulled apart, Judas became aware for the first time that it was dark out. He wondered if anyone was looking for him. Jesus interrupted these thoughts.

“I just answered your question. Now can I ask you one?” Judas nodded. “Why did you choose me?” This was an impossible question, really. Because Judas didn’t even know for himself why he chose Jesus.

“How could I not,” he replied tentatively. “I want to say it’s because you had mercy on me, but I think that even if you didn’t I would’ve followed anyway. Is it selfish that I just like your company?” This was the closest thing to a confession that Judas could muster.

“If it is, then I’m just as selfish,” Jesus replied simply.

---

Judas’ group was the last to leave the next day, though he wasn’t sure why. It’s not like there was packing to do. Instead of leaving his money behind, he slipped most of it in his belt to give to beggars on the way out of town. It seemed like cheating to know his possessions were waiting for him at Salome’s, so he did his best to leave little behind. He imagined Jesus would have done the same.

There was a lot of conversation as they left town to head west. Judas mostly kept quiet, still pondering the night before, but as they walked he learned a lot of little things about his companions.

“What are you going to miss the most?” Peter asked the group.

“I bet you’re going to miss your lover John,” Eden teased.

“I said what, not who, dumbass.” Peter gave Eden a playful shove.

“I’m going to miss drinking wine every night,” Lena shared. Judas nodded in agreement. When nobody else shared, Eden turned to James and Judas.

“What about you guys?” James looked at his feet and Peter began cracking up.

“He’s going to miss Fluffy the most, right James?”

“Hey! You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone!”

“Who’s Fluffy?” Thomas asked.

“Nothing. Just a childhood toy.”

“That he sleeps with every night.”

“I do not.” Peter raised his eyebrows and James caved, “Well at least I won’t be anymore.”

“Awe don’t be embarrassed, James. That’s sweet.” Thomas gave James an encouraging smile. “What kind of toy was Fluffy?”

“She’s a stuffed sheep, my mom made her for me once when I was sick and I was never without her after that.”

“Closest James will ever get to sleeping with a woman,” Lena joked, causing James to roll his eyes.

Judas didn’t pay much attention to the banter that followed. Thomas fell into step beside him, also walking in quiet contemplation. Ahead, Lena and Eden changed the subject and somehow ended up in a discussion on why women were superior to men. Watching Peter and James attempt to defend themselves without being misogynist was rather amusing.

As they walked, Judas thought about who he would most like to pair off with for ministry. Thomas would be his first choice, but he doubted either of them were bold enough to preach or command much of a presence. He knew that Lena, Eden, Peter, and James were all willing and capable when it came to preaching. Although without knowing Eden or Peter too well he worried he’d be uncomfortable with their messages. Judas wanted to hear a message of love and liberation, and while he knew all of the disciples valued those things, he worried that some might see other themes as more central. Like righteousness or belief. Especially Peter, who was often strict when it came to rules about ritual cleanliness. With the demons still fresh in her memory, Lena still couldn’t bring herself to cast any out. Judas didn’t blame her one bit, but he figured she’d need to be with someone who was very capable in that regard. So maybe he’d work with Lena. Although James would also be a good fit.

It was dark when they decided to settle for the night. They were still miles from the next town, so they decided to camp not far off the road. Judas and Lena set off to gather fuel for a fire, while the rest attempted to clear a place to sleep and make a firepit. When the two returned, Peter and Eden were in a passionate argument.

“What’s going on,” Lena whispered to Thomas and James, setting the sticks down by the firepit. Judas began to build the fire, listening closely for their response.

“Eden brought food, Peter’s pissed because she’s going against Jesus’ command,” Thomas explained.

“She says it’s just for the first night, but he says it doesn’t matter,” James added. Judas wasn’t sure how to feel about this. Mostly because he was starving and the bread looked enticing.

“He did say not to bring anything. But since we have it, it would be a waste to get rid of it. So I might as well eat, right?” Lena suggested, hesitantly.

In the end, everyone ate except for Peter. By the light of the fire, Judas started a game of pictionary in the dirt. Spirits improved as they laughed over Eden’s failed attempt to draw a dog, and Lena’s creative depiction of “to attack.”

“If you don’t shut up, I’ll sic my demons on you,” Lena threatened. This was the first time Judas had heard her joke about them. That had to be a good thing, right?

“Wouldn’t do much good, we’ll just cast ‘em away,” Peter shot back.

“Yeah, does anyone have a herd of pigs free?” James asked.

Chapter Text

The next day, they got up early to try and make it into town with time to spare. Everyone was eager to find real food and also begin witnessing. When they finally made it to the edge of the town, Judas and Thomas were sent to find food while the rest split up to look for lodging and seek out people to heal. It was late afternoon by the time they’d found enough food for dinner. Without money, it was much more difficult to feed themselves, so they’d traded labor for food. They hoped once news had spread of their good work, people would be generous. It turned out that Lena and Eden had an equally difficult time finding lodging, so they’d be staying in a stable. The four of them were preparing dinner when Peter and James returned.

“Judas, there’s a little boy with demons across town. We tried to cast them out, but they wouldn’t listen. Can you try?” Peter was out of breath.

“Tonight?”

‘Yeah, he’s in so much pain. I don’t want to wait.”

“Yeah, okay.” He turned to James, “take the bread off before it burns.”

Judas followed Peter across town, trying to stay calm. He’d cast out plenty of demons before, but the little boys were the hardest. They were too familiar. He wondered what kinds of demons these were, but didn’t bother asking Peter. He probably wouldn’t know.

“James looked shaken up. Is it that bad?” he asked Peter.

“The boy’s dad was trying to restrain him, but he was so strong he kept breaking free. No kid that age is that strong, it was really unsettling,” Peter explained. “And if we tried to get close, he’d go to bite us. We didn’t know what to do.” These sounded a lot like Judas’ demons. When they got to the house, they found the dad waiting outside. Judas could hear wailing through the door. After greeting the dad, he asked to enter. There was no way he could do this from outside, as much as he wanted to keep his distance.

“Shut the door behind me, I don’t want him to get out.” Peter looked unsure, so Judas tried to be as confident and commanding as possible. The moment he entered the kid came running towards him.

“Who are you?” Judas asked.

“We are many,” the boy replied. That’s what the other demons had said before Jesus cast them into pigs. Did that mean they were the same? Judas didn’t know. What he did know is that he needed to keep them distracted for as long as possible before they tried to rip him apart.

“I am sent by the Son of God, by his power I command you to leave this boy.”

“You have no power, the Son of God wouldn’t associate with someone like you.” Judas tried not to let this sting. He reminded himself of his conversation with Jesus only days before You understand the kingdom better than anyone.

“Maybe it doesn’t seem so, but I am very much a part of his kingdom.”

“Would someone in his kingdom have so much doubt?” Why the hell were these ones so personal? Had they been like this to Peter and James?

“Because his kingdom is one of mercy,” Judas responded cooly.

“Then have mercy on us,” he begged, shifting tones dramatically from before. Judas almost had to remind himself it was the demons talking and not the poor child.

“You need to return to where you came from.”

“Please, have mercy on us. Don’t make us go. Send us somewhere else.”

“There is nowhere else for you. I don’t want to repeat myself. Leave this boy and return to where you came from.” He watched the boy thrash for a moment, and the demons left him with a wail. Judas could only watch in terrified anticipation, not allowing himself to relax until the boy's soft sobs reminded him the demons were gone. He knelt down and placed his hand on the child’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, you’re alright now,” he soothed. “What’s your name?”
“Timothy,” the boy choked out.

“They’re gone now, Timothy. They won’t be back.” The boy laid his head in Judas’ lap, still softly sobbing. “Can I take care of your wounds,” Judas asked.

The boy responded with a nod. Judas took his time healing the bites, scrapes, and bruises he could find on the surface of his skin.

“Is there anywhere else that hurts,” he asked when he’d taken care of everything he could see. The boy nodded again, but when Judas asked where he wasn’t able to give a clear answer. It had been easy for Judas to heal his own aches left behind, but without knowing what was wrong with Timothy, he couldn’t do anything about it. He finally stood up to get the dad, who enveloped him in a teary hug that Judas found very uncomfortable. When the dad pulled away to go tend to his kid, Judas told him to come find him in a few days to heal the rest.

“I took care of everything on the outside, but there could still be some things I missed and it’s hard to heal that without knowing what’s wrong. When he’s able to tell me where he’s hurting I can heal the rest of it.” The dad thanked him again and Judas was very quick to leave, practically dragging Peter away.

“That was incredible! How did you do that?”

“I don’t know, I just talked to them.”

“They talked to you? They didn’t even acknowledge me or James.”

“That’s odd. They had a lot to say to me about why they shouldn’t listen to me. And there were a lot. Not as many as Jesus cast out into the pigs, but definitely more than I’ve ever done.”

“Why do you think they let you talk to them?” Judas wasn’t sure. He wondered if he was more in touch with them having had them in the past. He shared this theory with Peter, who seemed to agree. “I guess that makes sense, you’re already connected to the spiritual realm in a way.” Judas thought it was more like a tether than a connection, but he didn’t share this. Peter continued. “What did you need to heal inside, did he break a bone?”

“I don’t think he broke any bones. I don’t really know what’s wrong. But after having my demons, I had a lot of pain that stuck around. Like headaches and stuff. I just didn’t want him to deal with the same thing.”

“Oh, I never thought about that. Why didn’t Jesus take care of that when he healed you? Does Lena have that, too?”

“I don’t think Lena has it, I think Jesus took care of everything. When he cast mine out he was just a kid, I don’t think he knew what he was doing, exactly.”

“Oh. That makes sense, I guess. I forget he was a kid once.”

“I don’t.”

Judas went to bed early that night, eating a quick dinner before finding an empty corner of the stable to curl up in. When he awoke, it was nearly midday. Everyone else had left except for James, who was following Jesus’ rule of two. He was sitting near the remains of last night’s fire, writing in the dirt.

“Hey Judas, are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah,” Judas mumbled, sitting up. “Last night just took a lot out of me. You could’ve woken me up, though.”

“Nah, we wanted to let you rest. Saved you some breakfast.” Judas thanked him and made his way over. As he picked up his food, he glanced over at James’ writing.

“What’s that?” James blushed.

“It’s nothing,” he quickly replied, brushing his foot across the words leaving a thick line in their place.

“Almost looked like poetry to me.”

“Ah. Yeah. I can see why you would think that.”

“But?”

“But what?”

“I was waiting for you to tell me what it actually was.”

“Oh. No, you were right.” Instead of teasing, Judas only nodded solemnly.

“Can you not mention this to the rest? They give me a hard enough time about Fluffy as it is.” Judas agreed and let the conversation turn to a discussion of what they were going to do that day. James explained that he’d found a place yesterday that promised pay for manual labor. It seemed like their best bet, and James figured they’d have opportunities to witness while they worked. Judas couldn’t care less about preaching, but he did want to feed himself, and figured they may find opportunities to heal along the way.

The work was long and grueling, which was to be expected. James found many chances to tell people about Jesus, but he did it so naturally it didn’t even seem forced. Even more surprising to Judas was the way these people seemed interested. They’d ask more questions, about the kingdom and what it meant to love your neighbor. Some part of Judas envied James’ natural way with people.

After they’d worked enough hours to cover tomorrow’s food, Judas insisted they take a detour on the way back. They stopped at the house they’d been to the night before, and Judas could tell it made James nervous.

“The demons are gone, you know?” He remarked, knocking on the door. The boy’s father answered, and seeing Judas immediately began thanking him.

“How is he feeling?”

“So much better, it’s like the spirits were never there.”

“Can I see him?”

“Of course, follow me.” Judas glanced back at James, but it was clear he wanted to stay where he was, so Judas followed without him.

The boy was laying on a mat in the living room, playing with some toys. He smiled when he saw Judas.

“Hi Timothy, your dad told me you’re feeling better today?”

“Yes sir.”

“I’m happy to hear that. Is there anywhere that’s still hurting you?” The boy thought for a moment before pointing to a few places – his shoulder, his head, his knees. Judas nodded and called upon Jesus under his breath, healing each of the places the boy touched. He noticed out of the corner of his eye the way the boy’s eyes widened as the pain dissipated.

“All better?”

“All better, thank you.”

“Any time.” As Judas got up to leave, the boy’s father pulled him aside.

“I must ask how you are able to do this? What god do you call on? Are you an angel?”

“I am not an angel, I call upon the son of the Hebrew God. He brings justice and restoration for all.”

“How can I repay you? And what can I do to serve him?”

“There is no need to repay me, I am only doing what I have been sent to do. You can serve him by showing mercy to your neighbor.”

“Of course, anything. The spirits took my wife last year. I was so scared my son would suffer her fate,” he explained. “But God has shown mercy on us.”

“He has,” was Judas’ response. Although what he really wanted to say was that he wished God had shown mercy on the boy’s mother as well.

Chapter Text

The weeks carried on like that – long days of laboring, sometimes with James, sometimes with other members of the group. Then evenings filled with conversation by the fire. As people began to hear about the miracles they’d performed and the messages they were preaching, their evenings also began to fill with work. Judas was casting out demons multiple times a week, and everyone was healing multiple people in a given evening. Sometimes they were kept up late into the night by various visitors. The only day where they could ever find peace was the sabbath.

Judas, as usual, stuck around the stable. Thomas stayed with him. Neither of them felt much like doing anything, both exhausted from a busy week of two basically full-time jobs. For once, they decided to keep to the laws of the sabbath and not do any work.

“How long do you think we’ll be here before moving to the next town?”

“No more than a week, I’m guessing. We’re starting to get more people from surrounding towns and less who actually live here.”

“I’ve been noticing that, too. I wonder how long Jesus wants us doing this before we all come back together again.”

“Me too, I’m starting to miss everybody.”

“I wonder how Sal and little James are doing.”

“I hope their mom is leaving them alone.”

“Yeah. Mothers can be a lot, I get it,” Thomas mused.

“I don’t. My mother was great.”

“Mine isn't so bad. She just has her moments is all. What was your mother like? Did she know Jesus?”

“She did. She loved him, said our door was always open for him. She would let him practice miracles when his parents got sick of it, so for half a year she had different colored hair every week.” Thomas laughed at this.

“She sounds really nice.”

“She really was.” They sat in silence for a while, long enough that Judas figured Thomas had dozed off. Judas was lazily drawing pictures of birds with charcoal from the fire. He thought for a long time about his mother, how she’d hold him even when the demons in him were making him hurt her. How she never stopped believing he’d be healed. And she was right, after all, wasn’t she? Jesus was the one thing that had ever gone in Judas’ favor. Thomas surprised him by speaking again.

“Was it hard being back in your hometown for the wedding.” It took him a moment to realize he was still talking about Judas’ mom.

“A little, I’d sort of gotten used to living there without her but it was still strange. Felt empty.”

“I bet. Did Jesus have to sleep in her bed?”

“No,” Judas answered, not thinking.

“Oh, sorry. I just assumed he stayed with you since his family didn’t live there anymore. But it makes more sense that he would’ve found somewhere else.”

“No, you were right before. He stayed with me, we just left my mom’s room alone. Felt too sacred to touch, you know?” Thomas nodded, then paused thoughtfully.

“Wait, you guys didn’t share a bed, did you?” Judas couldn’t help but smile.

“We did.”

“Really? Well I guess if it was with anyone it would be with you.” Judas felt his entire face turn red.

“What do you mean by that?”

“He just seems really fond of you is all. And obviously you’re fond of him.”

“It’s that obvious?” Judas croaked. Thomas only smiled.

Judas, embarrassed but relieved to talk about his feelings with someone other than Eden and Sal, began telling Thomas the rest of the events of the wedding. Thomas was a great listener, more serious than Eden, he didn’t make a big deal out of everything, but where appropriate he’d celebrate with Judas.

“I can’t believe he danced with you!” Thomas marveled. “I wonder if he’s allowed to date.” There was no time to wonder about this question, because at that moment they heard James yell in the distance.

“Grab the stuff, we need to leave now!”

—

The others, it turned out, had left from the temple and already had a head start. They jogged until they reached the city limit, and once they’d caught their breath Thomas and Judas bombarded James in a flurry of questions.

As it turned out, the priest had been teaching on submission. While Eden had never been taught to read, or even had access to scripture, she’d spent many hours discussing it with Mary, who was very familiar.

The priest had said some things about women that were nowhere to be found in scripture and Eden called bullshit. Literally. It didn’t end well, to say at the least, so they were on to the next town. Judas and Thomas had no room to be annoyed with Eden for disrupting the plans, they were too busy wishing they could’ve been there to see it.

It would likely be a while before they caught up with the rest. Packing up the food had taken longer than they wanted, and the stable was on the opposite side of town from the direction they were headed, so they’d gotten a slow start. In the meantime, James did what James did best and filled the silence with questions.

“What did you guys talk about while we were gone?”

“Nothing,” Judas replied too quickly, once again turning red. James did not miss this, nor did he miss the opportunity to comment on it. And because Judas was a weak man, twenty minutes later James was up to speed on all the humiliating, vulnerable parts of Judas’ heart. Which meant it was only a matter of time before the rest found out, too. He almost hoped they’d never catch up. But then, how would he congratulate Eden on the scene she’d made?

They didn’t make it to the others until sundown. The rest of the group had started a fire some distance from the road. They were still a few hours outside the town they were headed to, so tonight they’d sleep under the stars. Thomas helped Peter start dinner while Judas asked Eden for her account of the morning’s events. As the smells of warm vegetables and meat surrounded them, and laughs rang out in the clear night, Judas realized that for the first time since he met Jesus he had friends. These people surrounding him were people he cared about, and they cared about him, even when he kept to himself or acted cold. Even when he skipped church and asked too much of Jesus. In their eyes he wasn’t too much. Nor was he not enough. He was loved. And somehow, in a way much different than his nearly obsessive love for Jesus, he loved them back so deeply it scared him.

The conversation had changed course, Judas had lost track in his quiet sappiness.

“Are you okay, Judas?” Lena whispered at his side. He smiled softly.

“Yeah, just feeling appreciative.”

“Appreciative?”

“For all of you. This has been nice. It’s been nice to have friends.”

“It has, hasn’t it.” She replied, with the same soft smile. Judas realized that she likely hadn’t had friends. If her experience with demons was anything like Judas’. So she really did get it.

—
It was early afternoon when they made it into town the next day. Judas was about to offer to find lodging when Peter spoke up.

“Judas and I are going to preach, can the rest of you handle lodging and food?” Before Judas could argue, the rest agreed. “Come on, Judas, let’s go.”

As the rest split away, Judas turned to Peter.

“Why’d you do that?”

“What do you mean, you don’t want to come with me?”

“I don’t want to preach.”

“Well I won’t make you, but maybe now’s the time to tell you that Jesus pulled me aside the morning before we left and specifically instructed me to try and get you to preach. You’re so stubborn I don’t think I could get you to do anything, but maybe you’ll do it for Jesus, since you like him so much.” Judas was speechless. First of all, damn James for his inability to keep a secret. But secondly, Jesus asked Peter to make sure he preached? Why?

“I don’t know if we really agree on what should be preached.”

“Say whatever you want, I don’t mind. If Jesus trusts you, that’s enough for me.” Peter paused thoughtfully. “And I trust you too, Judas. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

So that’s how Judas found himself following Peter across town. He let Peter lead them through market stalls and paid close attention to the way Peter started conversations with the people they encountered. They soon found themselves at a stall selling animals for ritual sacrifices. Not unlike the one Judas had worked at. The person at the stall looked younger than Judas, and they greeted the two enthusiastically. Judas introduced himself and Peter, explaining they were new in town and asking what kinds of work opportunities they should look into while staying. The person mentioned a few people to look for and asked their business for visiting. This was Judas’ opportunity.

“We’re disciples of Jesus of Nazareth. We’ve been spreading his teachings and healing people from their ailments.”

“I’ve heard talk of him. My friend traveled a few towns over for healing. I wasn’t sure I believed her, to be honest.”

“Can I prove it to you?” Judas knew that Jesus would never say something like that, but Judas wasn’t Jesus, was he? The person looked thoughtful for a moment, before coming around to the front of the stall to show Judas a cut on their leg.

“Got this from the feed pail this morning,” they explained. Judas brushed his fingers across the cut and healed it instantly. The person’s eyes widened.

“Who is he, that he has this power?”

“The son of the Hebrew god,” Judas replied, only slightly flinching. He began to explain the message that Jesus preached. One of love, mercy, and selflessness. He talked about second chances and the complicated nature of faith as he understood it. He talked about reform and justice. Others came to listen, and he kept talking. When he met Peter’s eyes, he saw a grin.

Chapter Text

After that first day, Judas had a newfound confidence in himself. In the next towns they moved through, Judas found himself spreading the same message he’d preached that first day. He spoke of the kingdom as something that was for everyone, and he didn’t shut up about Jesus. After one interaction in which he’d gotten particularly carried away rambling about how great Jesus was, Eden had commented that if everyone were as horny for Jesus as Judas was, there wouldn’t be a single unbeliever left.

As much as Judas enjoyed the time he was spending with his friends, every night he couldn’t help but think about how much he missed Jesus. How did he go all of those years without him? Two months and he didn’t know how much longer he could take. He often spent hours wondering about what Jesus was doing at each moment. Was he out healing? Praying? Napping? Was he thinking of Judas? What about his hair, had he had someone trim it for him, or was he trimming it himself? Had he let it grow?

When he wasn’t pining after Jesus, he was chatting with the others. They’d run out of things to talk about early on, so conversations now were mostly just circling back on old stories.

“Remember when you got us kicked out of the temple?” James would prompt Eden, who would then launch into a retelling of the story that was just as enthusiastic as the first time she told it. Or Peter would bring up the time they set up the healing clinic on the sabbath to protest. And then Lena would add her account of the day, which they always found hilarious because she confirmed that Jesus had no idea it was happening until the religious leaders were confronting him.

Sometimes they’d pester Judas about his feelings for Jesus, but lately he’d had an excuse to deflect. Her name was Eve. She was the daughter of the landowner they were working for in the latest town. Everything about her screamed confidence and mystery, and from the very first day they’d met her, it was obvious that Lena and James were infatuated.

“I can’t believe you two have the same type,” Eden mused when the topic was brought up.

“She’s not exactly the most stable person either,” Peter added. Thomas cut in,

“She’s a walking red flag.”

“Sorry, not all of us can fall for Jesus fucking Christ,” Lena sighed. Judas choked on his wine.

“Do you guys have the same taste in men, too?” Eden asked, trying to keep on topic. Lena and James exchanged a questioning glance.

“I had a bit of a crush on Judas when I first met him,” James admitted carelessly. Judas nearly choked again. Lena looked shocked,

“You what? Yeah, no. We don’t have the same taste in men.” She paused. “No offense, Judas.”

“Any other love confessions?” Eden asked, “Thomas, please don’t tell me you’ve got feelings for Simon or something.”

“Nope, don’t have to worry about that.”

—

“Remember that time Jesus told us about the pharisee he met?” James asked one night.

“You’ve really got to be more specific,” Lena sighed.

“It was when he told him he needed to be born again.”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“Well, I know Jesus explained it, but I was just thinking about it again and it doesn’t make sense to me.”

“It’s supposed to be metaphorical.” James sighed.

“I know that. But even then, what does that mean? Am I supposed to change? I feel like I haven’t really.” Judas hadn’t given this much thought before, but now that James was mentioning it, he had to agree. “Do you guys feel like you’ve been born again?”

Thomas was quick to shake his head, the rest followed in agreement. Only Lena and Peter hesitated. They exchanged a glance before Lena explained herself.

“When I met Jesus, he cast my demons out, so it’s not really a fair comparison. I do feel like a new person, both in the way Jesus meant metaphorically I think, but also because inside I really am.”

“That makes sense,” James replied thoughtfully. “Why do you think you’ve been born again, Peter?”

“It’s kind of similar to Lena, actually. I didn’t have demons, but when I met Jesus, he literally changed me.” He fidgeted with his hands in his lap, pausing to consider his next words. “The body and name I was born with aren’t the body and name I have now. Jesus saw that when he met me, and basically set things right.”

A silence fell over everyone as they processed what Peter had said. Everything Peter had said about his family, and all the strange looks and hesitations from Eden suddenly made more sense. Judas finally spoke up,

“Damn. So you were literally born again.” Peter’s face lit up with a relieved smile.

“Yeah, I guess I was.”

—

“Hey Thomas, are you awake?”

“Yeah, is everything okay?”

“Can’t sleep, that’s all.”

“Me either.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Mhm.”

“I pretty much know how Peter and Eden and James and Lena all got here, but I don’t really know much about your life before.”

“There’s really not much to say. I had a pretty normal childhood. Went to school for a while until my dad pulled me out to help him in the shop. He’s a smith.”

“Wait, that's really cool. So you can make metal stuff?”

“Yeah, we mostly did farm equipment so nothing super cool. Not like jewelry or anything.”

“Still, that’s really impressive. Did you and your dad get along, then?”

“Yeah, he’s incredible,” Thomas caught himself. “Sorry you probably don’t want to hear about that.”

“It’s fine. I’m glad you have a good father.”

‘Me too. I miss him, I’m not sure when I’ll get to see him again with all of the traveling we’ve been doing.”

“I bet it’s hard to have people you’re leaving behind,” Judas commented. “If you have such a good relationship with your family, what made you join Jesus?”

“I think I just wanted more, you know? Blacksmithing was cool, but what we’re doing know is really helping people. It just feels good to make a difference.” Judas could understand that. He was starting to get tired, finally, so he changed the subject to something lighter.

“Tell me about the rest of your family.”

“They’re crazy, man, I don’t even know where to start.”

Chapter Text

After four and a half months of the traveling preacher gig, they received a message with instructions on where to meet Jesus and the rest. With no further explanation, the group set off. It was a few days’ journey and every minute dragged on in a buzz of excitement. James and Peter were all nervous chatter, channeling their energy into a long series of “which would win questions.” Lena and Eden spent many hours deep in conversation, Judas was dying to know what they were talking about, but it seemed private. Thomas and Judas stayed mostly silent. Judas assumed that if Thomas was anything like him, he was probably running through scenarios about what might be next. The nice thing about scenarios is they never run out. Unfortunately, that’s also the bad thing.

Upon reaching the group, they found everyone was back together. Or rather, everyone but Jesus.

“Do you know where he went,” was the first thing out of Peter’s mouth. The question was met with shifting glances.

“He’s upstairs right now, he doesn’t want to be bothered,” Martha spoke up. “John the Baptist was killed.”

—-

Judas sat still for hours. When the rest of the disciples told their stories about John the Baptist, he listened intently. When silence fell, he prayed. He tried his very hardest not to think about Jesus, upstairs, grieving. He worried that if he gave it too much thought or even let himself move, he’d be up in a moment, ignoring Martha’s instructions and Jesus’ wishes to be left alone.

In the end, he failed anyway. When Matthew entered the room to announce dinner was ready, Judas was out of his seat and offering to take a plate to Jesus. Nobody stopped him.

“Hey Jesus,” Judas whispered cautiously, tapping on the doorframe of the upstairs bedroom. There was a long pause and Judas wondered if he was asleep. Then,

“Judas?”

“I have dinner for you.”

“Thanks, but I’m okay.”

“When was the last time you ate?” Jesus didn’t reply. “Just because you’re God doesn’t mean you aren’t human, too.” Jesus let out a laugh that sounded more like a sigh. “Can I please come in? I’ll leave you alone, just promise you’ll try to eat something?”

“You can come in.” Judas entered the room carefully, as if making too much noise would cause Jesus to break or break down. Jesus was curled up in the bed, wrapped in a blanket. On the floor by the bed was a plate with what Judas assumed was the morning’s breakfast, untouched. Judas took a seat on the edge of the bed and Jesus rolled over to face him.

“It’s my fault, I should have saved him.”

“You couldn’t have.”

“You don’t know that.”

“If you could have, you would have. I know you well enough to know that.” Jesus let out a shaky sigh that Judas thought sounded almost like a sob. He carefully reached his hand over and placed it on Jesus’ head. Jesus leaned into the touch and Judas ran his hand back and forth through Jesus’ hair. He hadn’t trimmed it in the five months since the wedding.

“It was my Father’s will.” Judas knew that without Jesus having to say it, but it still surprised him to hear it out loud. “I’m really not as perfect as you all think I am. I wanted to save him anyways.” Judas wanted to assure him that he was perfect, would always be perfect. He didn’t, he just kept stroking Jesus’ hair.

The first visit was the longest Jesus let him stay. Still, Judas had managed to get him to eat a little and change into fresh clothes. The rest of the week, he kept his visits short. Sometimes holding Jesus close while he wept, sometimes sitting across the room while he slept.

When he wasn’t with Jesus, he was doing all of his usual tasks. Often he found himself with Martha in the kitchen, cooking in silence side by side. He took some time to catch up with Sal and Mary. Sometimes he sat in the living area with the others and read scripture by himself.

Hearing all of the antics from the other groups was still new and exciting. John had cast out a legion of demons from a man only for them to possess him instead. So Philip had had to cast them out of him and thankfully that time it worked. John expressed his newfound admiration for Lena and Judas, explaining that he would rather die than experience that again. Simon’s group had the most interesting strategies. Martha witnessing exclusively in acts of service was far more effective than the rest had expected. Sal might be the only person to ever successfully “flirt to convert.” Similar to Eden, Mary had gotten them driven out of a town after she accidentally started a minor feminist uprising. Judas couldn’t help but wish Jesus were downstairs to hear, he would have found it amusing.

After a week and a half, Jesus finally came downstairs. At first, it was only for meals. He kept conversation brief and the disciples for the most part tiptoed around him. Judas’ daily visits continued the same as before. Day by day, Jesus worked his way back into regular life. He wasn’t his old self, Judas missed the soft grin he used to carry. But he was eating and talking to people so Judas couldn’t complain.

—

As Jesus readjusted to normal life, Judas had to readjust to normal Jesus. It was hard to get used to not knowing where he was again. He’d taken for granted knowing he could find Jesus right upstairs whenever he needed. And now that Jesus was back to his active ministry, the rest of the disciples found themselves matching his pace. Judas knew for sure that things were back to normal when Jesus announced they’d be back on the road. This time, to Tabgha on the Sea of Galilee.

On the walk to Tabgha, Judas learned that this was the town Peter had spent the first ten years of his life in. He explained solemnly to Judas that he didn’t know if his family still lived there and how he doubted they’d recognize him if they saw him now. His voice sounded shaky when he said it, and Eden didn’t let go of his hand once for miles. Aside from Peter, the rest were excited to be moving on to somewhere new. Tabgha was somewhere Jesus hadn’t visited yet, except to pass through, so they expected some kind of crowd.

When they arrived a few days later, they were expecting a crowd in the hundreds. They did not expect 20,000 people to be gathered from Tabgha and the surrounding areas.

“This is what I get for taking a break,” Judas heard Jesus mutter to himself, before the sounds of the crowd engulfed them.

If Jesus was tired, he didn’t show it. In fact, he preached for hours. Many of his sermons were ones Judas had already heard so he found himself drowning out the words and only paying attention to the way the words rolled off his tongue. He could get lost in Jesus’ voice and he often did. If Thomas hadn’t asked him to help monitor the crowd, he would have been content to sit right there and watch for as long as Jesus had something to say. Instead, the two made their way through the crowd, listening to the peoples’ thoughts and answering their questions.

As night began to fall, people began to complain about hunger, making plans on where to find dinner. Judas and Thomas returned to Jesus. As they approached him, he stopped talking and gave them his full attention.

“It’s late, people are getting hungry. Let’s let them go so they can find dinner in the nearest village,” Thomas suggested. Jesus paused to consider.

“Why don’t you give them something to eat?” Confusion flashed on Thomas’ face and Judas interjected before he could think.

“Are you suggesting we go buy them bread? That would take at least half a year’s wages!” Jesus only shook his head.

“Bring me what you can find.” So they went out, asking people to share their food.

In the end, all they could find were a few loaves of bread and some fish. Jesus took them and broke them, passing pieces to each of the disciples.

“Do as I do,” he instructed, beginning to break the bread into more pieces and distribute it among the crowd. No matter how many times he broke the bread, it didn’t get any smaller. There was always enough. Judas made his way through the crowd handing out pieces for hours as the sun set.

When they were all done, there were enough leftovers to fill baskets upon baskets.

—

“I’m going to handle the crowd, you guys start heading to Bethsaida,” Jesus explained once everyone had been fed. The disciples made their way to the boat, still discussing among themselves the miracle they’d just been a part of. Some of the disciples headed below deck to rest. Peter busied himself with the mast and Judas offered his help. Peter hummed to himself as he worked, some filthy tune Judas had only heard pieces of in bars. He was a fisherman through and through.

“Can you help row,” he asked Judas. “We have to go against the wind.” Judas agreed to help, recruiting the others who were already on the upper deck as extra help.

As they strained against the wind, Judas caught sight of an ethereal form walking about the surface of the lake a ways out. The others noticed just as he did but didn’t say anything, too terrified to speak. Matthew finally broke the silence,

“What the fuck is that?”

“Are you afraid, Matthew? It’s only me,” Jesus’ voice replied as he neared the boat.

“I’m not afraid, Jesus,” Peter interjected. “I’ll join you if you ask.”

“Join me,” replied Jesus, mischief in his eyes. Peter cautiously stepped out of the rocking boat. To the amazement of everyone, he didn’t sink. As he made his way to Jesus, Judas couldn’t help but be reminded of the way a child takes their first steps towards their parents. Peter was almost to Jesus when the wind began to pick up. With a cry, he stumbled, feet slipping under the water as he lost his balance. Judas was too afraid for him to laugh when he saw Peter flailing and begging Jesus to save him. Jesus did not lose his composure for even a second, he only reached out to help Peter back up. With a gentle laugh he looked at Peter and said,

“I thought you weren’t afraid?”

Chapter Text

Judas was playing a gambling game with Salome, Lena, and Eden one evening. About a week had passed since Jesus had stepped out on the sea. Judas hadn’t seen much of him lately, he’d been spending most of his time with Peter, John, and James. He tried not to be jealous, but it was hard. What happened to the days when Judas was his best friend? Sometimes he found himself wondering if he’d done something to upset him. Eden caught onto this quickly, and had made it her mission to distract him, which is how he found himself gambling for the sixth night in a row.

Without Jesus around to rebuke them, the wine was flowing and their group was in a pleasant state of intoxication. Despite the high spirits surrounding him, Judas’ thoughts were entirely elsewhere. Earlier that week Jesus had made some cryptic comments about death that Judas wasn’t particularly pleased with. Jesus was God, why would he say those things? He couldn’t die, could he? He’d also been saying some things that made Judas very uncomfortable. Complaints about adulterers, sinners, and unbelievers. Asking disciples to believe he was the messiah and then turning around the next minute and telling them to keep it a secret. In so many ways this was unlike the Jesus Judas thought he knew. The only consistency was the fact that Jesus was never not mysterious.

As Judas took his turn, rolling a set of dice on the table, James barged through the door. Everyone turned, waiting for some grand announcement, as James often did when he entered a room in this manner. Instead, however, he remained silent and went upstairs to bed. Judas couldn’t help but notice he looked restless. Making an unconvincing excuse, he set down his wine and followed James up the stairs.

“What happened?” He asked.

“I’m not supposed to say,” James replied, annoyance seeping into his voice. “I’d tell you if I hadn’t promised I wouldn’t.” Judas understood this, Jesus often asked them to keep secrets.

“You seem upset, are you okay?”

“Yeah. Honestly it wasn’t even something bad. It was incredible actually. But he said some weird stuff on the way back that I don’t know what to think about.”

“He’s been doing that a lot lately,” Judas replied thoughtfully.

“Ever since John the Baptist died, all he’s talked about is death. I don’t get it.” Judas agreed. He didn’t say any more, not wanting to pressure James into sharing more than he was supposed to.

The next day they traveled to Judea. Once there, Jesus got right to preaching, as he often did. He spoke on divorce, calling out men for abandoning their wives. He spoke to children, blessing them and telling them the kingdom of heaven was for people like them.

“I’m not sure how I feel about the implication that the kingdom is for children,” Lena commented to Judas. “Does belief mean anything if you’re blindly accepting what authority tells you?” Judas was wondering the same thing until Thomas spoke up.

“I think children are the opposite, actually. They question everything. They don’t have anything to offer so they have nothing to prove. I think that’s how he means it.”

After Thomas had explained, Judas decided that was his favorite sermon of the day. His second favorite, however, came shortly after.

A man came up to Jesus, asking how to make it into the kingdom. Jesus looked him in the eye and with much softness instructed him to give away all his material possessions, as if it were the simplest instruction in the world. When the man left, Jesus turned to his disciples.

“How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God,” he commented.

Judas’ least favorite sermon of the day came as they readied for bed late that night. Unlike the other sermons, this one was only directed to the disciples. And even so, the way he told it nearly gave the impression that he wasn’t talking to them at all, rather he was talking aloud to himself and they just happened to be around to overhear. He talked about death and suffering, something about building a temple. Judas refused to hear any of it. He knew better than to rebuke Jesus for speaking about it (Peter had already tried), but that didn’t mean he had to listen. No, as far as he was concerned Jesus was going to live forever.

The next day, Jesus announced they were heading to Jerusalem. After all the talk about death the night before, the disciples were wary of this idea. Not to mention, talk of plotting by religious leaders was all around. Needless to say, Judas was not the only one who was hesitant to follow. As they packed their things, he overheard hushed conversations between the other disciples. Words like reckless and unsafe. When Jesus asked if they were ready, he was met with heavy silence. Until Thomas, boldly, replied,

“Let’s go. Might as well die with him.”

There was no more muttering after that.
—

The walk to Jerusalem took most of the day. For the first time in over a week, Judas managed to get a moment alone with Jesus. Jesus was walking far behind the rest, nearly out of sight. The others had decided that if anyone were to encounter danger first, it shouldn’t be Jesus. Judas took advantage of this and slowed down until he fell into step with Jesus.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Judas said plainly. Jesus didn’t contradict him but instead looked curiously, waiting for Judas’ response. “Did I do something wrong?” Jesus looked pained.

“No, of course not. Never.”

“Then why haven’t you talked to me? And don’t say it’s because you’ve been busy.” Jesus sighed heavily, looking down at his feet. He took a while to respond.

“I’m scared, Judas.” This was not the answer Judas was expecting. Indifferent? Maybe. But scared?

“What does the Son of Man have to fear?”

“More than I can tell you. I’ve already said too much.” Judas had no clue what this meant. Relieved to know it wasn’t his fault, and desperate to cheer Jesus up, he did the first thing that came to mind: reached out for Jesus’ hand. To Judas’ surprise, he accepted. And so they walked hand in hand towards whatever was waiting for them in Jerusalem that had Jesus so scared. And Judas knew that whatever it was, as long as he had Jesus here beside him it would all be okay.

—

They heard it before they saw it. Not shouts of anger as Judas expected, but cheers of joy. As they neared the town, they saw a crowd of people, waving their arms and shouting hosanna. Jesus gently dropped Judas’ hand. Really? Was all of this drama just because Jesus was afraid of attention. It explained why he was so insistent upon the disciples not telling people about him. And he did like to keep to himself. Judas felt foolish to have thought the talks of death were anything more than metaphor. After all, when did Jesus ever say what he meant?

Judas let Jesus walk ahead through the crowd, until Matthew brought over a young donkey for him to ride. These people were treating him like a king! Judas found Thomas and Lena and walked beside them through the crowd. They watched in wonder as people threw down cloaks and branches at Jesus’ feet. The energy was infectious, soon the three of them found themselves chanting along with the crowd, hosanna. Even Jesus looked happy, like his worrying had been in vain. Content on his donkey, if a little uncomfortable with the attention, he smiled softly at the crowd, brushing hands with his own as they reached out to touch him, and waving at those who were out of reach.

Judas basked in the moment, certain that this memory would stay with him forever.

--

That night, the disciples stayed in an inn. It was the nicest lodging they’d had in any town so far. These people really did see Jesus as royalty. Not only did they have a roof over their heads, but there was a room for everyone who wanted. They were too tired to stay up late chatting and playing games as they often did. Instead everyone headed right to their own rooms to collapse. As Judas readied for bed, he heard a knock on his door. He didn’t have to check to know it was Jesus. He’d been trying not to read too deeply into the hand-holding earlier. It was platonic after all. But hearing the knock, he couldn’t help but get his hopes up. Throwing a robe on, he answered the door.

“Hi, mind if I come in?” Jesus asked. He seemed nervous again, but it was probably just exhaustion. Everyone had had a long day, but Jesus especially, having been the center of attention. Judas wasn’t sure how he managed sometimes. It had to be the divine blood.

“Of course you can,” Judas opened the door wider, gesturing towards the bed for Jesus to take a seat. Jesus thanked him, and did just that.

“I hope I’m not keeping you up.”

“Oh no, don’t worry about it,” Judas assured him hurriedly, taking a seat on the bed beside him. “What’s up?” Jesus smoothed over the wrinkles on the bedspread, tapping his foot against the floor.

“Thanks for keeping me company on the way here.” Judas’ heart was pounding through his chest.

“Yeah anytime,” he replied meekly.

“I don’t think I can properly express how much I appreciate being able to rely on you,” Jesus began. Judas started to respond but Jesus held up his hand to shush him. It was shaking. “That’s why I’m here, actually. I need to ask you a favor.”

“Of course, anything!” Judas was eager to please, thrilled at the prospect of Jesus trusting him, wanting to rely on him for something, anything. Jesus looked less thrilled. He inhaled deeply.

“What I’m about to ask of you isn’t fair. I’m not happy about it. You won’t be happy about it. But it must be done,” Jesus looked like he was about to cry. “In order for the Father’s will to be carried out, I need to be arrested. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I don’t.” He did, oh how he wished he didn’t.

“Judas, I need you to betray me. Someone needs to betray me, and it needs to be you.” Judas knew better than to ask why.

There was nothing that Judas wanted to do less than cause Jesus suffering. If he could protect Jesus from all possible harm, he would. He would never betray Jesus. But rules always come with exceptions and Judas’ exception was this: he would do anything Jesus asked. Anything at all. Because at the end of the day, he trusted Jesus more than he trusted himself.

“Okay,” he choked. Jesus knows what he’s doing, he reassured himself. He’s the son of God, he can protect himself. Once this is all over, we can laugh about it. He’ll show everyone that he really is who he says he is, and he’ll be celebrated like he was today. And he’ll trust me, he’ll know he can trust me. He’ll trust me just like he trusts James and John and Peter, I won’t be left in the dark anymore. Judas filled each breath with a reassurance, trying to soothe himself with each inhale. He was choking, God he was choking. He didn’t need to glance over to know that Jesus was, too.

They sat on the bed for a long time, side by side, the weight of Jesus’ request hanging heaving in the air.

Finally, Jesus stood up. Gently bringing a hand to Judas’ face, he tilted it to the side and kissed his tear-stained cheek. Then he was out the door.

Chapter Text

The next day, Jesus announced they’d be visiting the temple. Considering that it wasn’t even the sabbath and Judas didn’t even like to go when it was, he was less than thrilled. Still, he had bigger things to worry about. Like last night. Fuck. His chest got tight thinking about it. He didn’t know when Jesus needed him to do this, or what exactly he was supposed to do, but knowing Jesus, he figured it would be soon.

When he left his room that morning, Thomas immediately knew something was wrong.

“Are you okay? Are you that reluctant to go to the temple today?”

“It’s not that.” Thomas didn’t ask for more details. He knew Judas wouldn’t give them.

The whole walk to the temple, Judas catastrophized. He overthought, wondered if he could take back what he’d agreed to, knew he never would. He could be asked a million times over and every time he would make the same decision. He loved Jesus too much to say no.

At the temple, Jesus seemed off. He was on edge, Judas noticed. As they walked along, he noticed the way Jesus’s fists clenched and unclenched, the way his jaw was set tight, his whole face in tension. Around them people moved about, purchasing religious goods and animals for sacrifice (at incredibly upcharged prices, in Judas’ opinion). For the most part, he kept his eyes on Jesus, droned out the religious babble around him. He hated the temple, felt anxious being around it, but with Jesus he felt calm.

Jesus, at the moment, was not calm. It was not long before he ended up in a heated argument with one of the merchants.

“You shouldn’t be doing this, you are a thief.”

“Sir, I don’t think you understand.”

“What you are doing is despicable in the eyes of God. There is no room for greed in the kingdom.”

The disciples watched in awe. This was the most beautiful Judas had ever seen him. He was so angry, so human. And yet, still righteous? The argument grew more heated and next thing Judas knew, Jesus had brought all of the merchandise on the man’s table crashing to the ground in a swipe of his arm. The merchant stared in shock, and Judas caught a flash of it in Jesus’ face as well, as if he was just as surprised. It passed as soon as it came, however, and with another motion Jesus had turned the table on its side. And the next, and the next. Things fell into chaos and Judas felt James tugging his arm.

“Judas, we need to leave, it’s not safe here.”

“I’m not leaving him,” Judas responded like a stubborn child.

“He’s literally the son of God, he'll be okay. Come on!”

“Go without me,” Judas responded, pulling free and running after Jesus. Thomas stayed, too, ever loyal. Judas began to shout rebukes at merchants and passersby. While Thomas was hesitant to turn any tables himself, he did kick a few broken vessels into smaller bits. Peter was a ways off, enjoying himself greatly as he pulled a sheet off a table in dramatic flourish and explained in colorful language what God thought of the greedy.

The chaos didn’t last long. Jesus composed himself after he’d thoroughly made his point and gestured for the remaining disciples to follow him out. On their way out of town, they discussed in great excitement the events that had just occurred. Was this how things would be from now on? Causing chaos and destruction to create reform? There was much debate on whether that prospect was exciting or terrifying. Jesus said nothing. He wasn’t clenching his fists anymore, in fact, he almost looked relaxed. Besides the fidgeting with his robe. And the absent look in his eyes.

—-

The next day they returned to the temple. Jesus had made himself scarce the night before so Judas wasn’t able to ask for more details. As anxious as ever about what Jesus had asked him to do, he was calling even more attention to himself. Lena, Peter, and James had all picked up on his nervous demeanor and weren’t as understanding as Thomas when it came to his secrecy.

“I’ll be okay, I just don’t want to talk about it. It’s really not a big deal.” He finally snapped, and that shut them up.

Back at the temple, the religious leaders were dying to talk to Jesus. It was blatantly obvious they were looking for some way to catch him blaspheming. Jesus was making Judas’ job easy, it was almost like he wanted to be arrested. Which, don’t get him wrong, was incredibly stupid as far as Judas could tell. But who was he to question the plan.

The morning dragged on as the leaders asked trick question after trick question and Jesus responded with parable after parable. By late afternoon, Jesus seemed to be tiring. The next break he had in the questioning, he turned to the disciples.

“You must be careful to do everything they tell you. But don’t act like them, they’re hypocrites.” He sighed, “They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they won’t lift a finger to move them.” Jesus sounded angry, but not in the same way he was when he was flipping tables. Rather, it was a resigned sort of frustration, tinged with grief. Judas was familiar with the emotion. Jesus continued, “Everything they do is done for people to see: they love the place of honor and the most important seats and the most expensive clothes. They love to be called ‘Rabbi’. Don’t let people call you ‘Rabbi,’ it’s not your job to teach.” All eyes were intently on Jesus as he carried on, this was the most he’d said to them all day, Judas almost wanted to write it down. “The greatest among you will be your servant. But those who humble themselves will be exalted.” With that last line he looked at Judas, and he could have sworn he saw tears forming in Jesus’ eyes. But by the time he noticed, Jesus was already turning to address another pharisee.

—

The following day they stayed in Bethany. That morning, Jesus asked Judas on a walk. They walked along the path behind Mary and Martha’s home, wooded with fruit trees offering shade.

“It’s almost time,” Jesus said simply, not meeting Judas’ eye.

“What do I need to do?”

“Today you need to go back to the temple. They’ll find you easily. Let them think they are bribing you, don’t give in too easily.” Judas knew what the bribe was for, he felt the blood leave his face. He’d seen the looks on their faces. They wanted Jesus dead.

“Okay,” was all he said. They stopped beneath an orange tree, and Jesus mindlessly picked one, beginning to peel it in his hands.

“Two more days,” he said, not looking up from the fruit.

“Passover?” Judas should have known. But passover was about being spared, right? Surely this was a sign Jesus would be alright. After the way Jesus handled himself at the temple, Judas hoped he had nothing to worry about, it didn’t seem like Jesus needed protecting.

“As my Father wills,” Jesus replied, breaking off a few slices of orange and passing them to Judas. They ate in silence, juice dripping down their chins.

—

Judas headed back to the temple early in the afternoon, telling Thomas and Lena he was making special passover arrangements that they weren’t allowed to join him for. Just as Jesus said, it wasn’t hard to find the leaders. As soon as they saw him enter the temple, two men made a beeline for where he was standing.

“Where is your teacher,” one asked coyly.

“He has sent me to make passover arrangements,” Judas explained.

“Making you do his grunt work?” The other asked. “That’s hardly fair, I thought he was all about meekness.”

“Oh he’s busy with other things.”

“Surely nothing more important than passover preparations?” Judas stared blankly, making sure his hesitation was noticeable.

“Well you see, his prayers are very important. He has to pray for hours each day. I wouldn’t want to take away from his time spent with his father.”

“You don’t mean to suggest his father is God,” the first man asked.

“Oh, he didn’t tell you?”

“That’s a mighty statement to make. Many would consider that to be blasphemy. Are you sure you want to be associated with a blasphemer?” Judas felt sick, but maintained his composure. For Jesus, he thought to himself, he’ll be so proud.

“Uhhh,” Judas trailed off, looking nervous. “You don’t think he is?”

“Of course not, he’s a power hungry lunatic.” This could not be further from the truth, Judas thought.

“You think so?” Judas let his voice waver. “But what about the miracles?”

“You mean the magic tricks? Yeah right.” Judas looked at his feet, fidgeting with the money pouch in his hand. The other man spoke up.

“Hey don’t worry about it kid, I was naive like you once, too. I know how it is, you’re tight on money, hard on luck. This guy comes along promising riches like he’s royalty or whatever ‘kingdom this, kingdom that,’ next thing you know, you’re stuck. But a place to sleep is a place to sleep.” Judas was deeply offended by how stupid this man thought he was, but played into the vulnerability act. “Tell you what, I’ll make you a deal.” Judas’ head shot up and he met the man’s eyes.

“Twenty pieces of silver if you take us to him. He’s a threat to our people, and it seems you could use the financial support.” Twenty pieces? Was this man crazy? No amount of silver was worth Jesus’ life, but 20 pieces was offensively low.

“I believe you forget that I’d be losing my entire livelihood. It would take at least fifty for me to consider.”

Oh calm your ego, kid. We’ll just ask someone else and they can take your silver.” Judas’ heart sank. Before he could negotiate further the other man interjected.

“What about thirty?”

“Deal.”

—

It was dark when Judas returned that night. Jesus was sitting outside the house. He cast Judas a questioning glance but all Judas could spare in return was a nod.

Chapter Text

The next day was busy with Passover preparations. Jesus sent Lena and Eden into town to prepare the guest room where the meal would take place. Judas threw up twice before noon and pretended his queasiness was simply due to the sacrificing of a lamb.

By afternoon, everyone had gathered in the room for Passover. Nearly twenty of them, reclining around the low table. Judas tried to join the small talk, he couldn’t afford to look suspicious tonight. When it came time for dinner, Jesus called for silence. A hush fell across the room and bodies shifted to face him. Judas sat across the table from him, though not directly. On Jesus’ left was Peter and to his right was John. Judas was seated between Lena and Thomas. They’d hate him after tonight. Maybe one day they’d get it. Once Jesus had made his point and proven himself, they could tell the rest of the disciples what really happened and everyone could laugh about how silly it was to believe Judas would do such a thing. But for now, he was the villain. Jesus interrupted his thoughts with a prayer, then everyone began eating. As they ate, Jesus spoke up again. Judas noticed the way his eyes remained on his plate as he said,

“Tonight, one of you will betray me,” before he could continue, Peter interjected.

“Not me, Jesus! Right? Not me?” The rest agreed, murmuring questions of who it could be, hoping it wasn’t them. Judas also wished it wasn’t him, but the Father’s plan had never taken into account his wishes, had it? Not wanting to draw any suspicion to himself, he joined in with the rest.

“You don’t mean me?” he asked. Jesus looked at him softly.

“You have said so,” he whispered. Then addressing the rest, he continued. “It is one of you. One who shares my food.” Jesus kept his composure nearly perfectly. Nearly. Judas heard the crack in his voice as he continued. “The one who betrays me may wish they had never been born.” Judas’ stomach did an awful flip as he tried not to vomit for a third time that day. With that, Jesus took the bread from the center of the table and broke a piece off. “Here,” he said, handing the piece to John, “this is my body.” He broke another piece off for Peter, “take it and eat.” He continued to break off pieces and pass them out. Reaching across the table, he placed a piece in Judas’ hand. He looked into Judas’ eyes as he said “it is broken for you.”

When the bread had all been passed out, he poured wine into a cup. Judas’ mind slipped back to the wedding. He wished he could go back, it was so much easier then, when his biggest concern was hiding his feelings for Jesus.

Giving thanks to his father, he took a sip and passed it to Peter. Wordlessly, Peter sipped from the cup and passed it on. Once it had made its way around the room, Jesus spoke up again.

“This is my blood. A promise for all.”

As the disciples continued to eat, solemnly discussing matters of the kingdom, Jesus looked up at Judas.

“What you are going to do, do it quickly.” Judas gave a shaky nod and stood up.

—

Despite Jesus’ instruction, Judas walked in circles around town before making his way to the leaders. He told himself it was to buy Jesus time, the plan was for him and the disciples to go to the Mount of Olives after the meal and Judas would meet them there. Judas wasn’t ready. He’d never be ready. When he’d nearly killed so much time he feared Jesus would worry, he made his way to the religious leaders he’d met with the day prior. They were expecting him, but they still seemed surprised he showed up. Apparently they thought he’d change his mind.

“Take us to him,” they instructed. Judas considered asking for the money first, in hopes of maintaining the greedy character he was playing. But he was too tired to argue.

He took them to Gethsemane.

Oil press.

Now that it was happening for real, Judas was beginning to realize some things.

Namely that the table flipping in the temple was a one time thing. Jesus was never eager to prove himself, half the time he didn’t want people to even know who he was. He spent all of his time healing others, helping others, and listening for his father. When had he done anything for himself? These leaders were going to kill him. And if Jesus had his way he would let them. And if God had his way, he would also let them. But Judas wouldn’t. Would he? After Jesus asked him to?

Pieces were falling into place. Jesus had always known hadn’t he? All the death talk over the past month, the way there was never some big plan he shared, just day by day instructions on who needed help. Even as kids, was that why Jesus didn’t tell him he was God’s son? Because to be God’s son is to be a sacrifice? Because Jesus was born dying and his whole life’s purpose was to give away pieces until there was nothing left. All the talk of the Kingdom. Jesus’ kingdom was heaven, but heaven had nothing for Judas. No, Judas’ kingdom was, and only ever would be Jesus.

As they got closer Judas heard the disciples' voices. He heard Thomas. No, not Thomas he thought he can’t see this, I can’t let him see me do this. There was no choice. He heard Jesus’ voice. Then heads turned. He didn’t look at the faces of his friends as he stepped forward to betray their leader. No, his eyes never left the kingdom. If Jesus showed any hint of doubt, Judas would stop. He would turn around, refuse the money, and defend Jesus, even if it was an impossible battle, even if it killed him. But he knew that wouldn’t be the case. Jesus had concern written all across his face, but not for himself (it never was), no it was all for Judas.

Drawing in a deep breath, he turned to the man beside him.

‘The one you want is the man that I kiss.” Judas walked up to Jesus. “Hi,” was all he could bring himself to say. He looked up at Jesus.

“Do what you came for, friend,” Jesus replied in a voice loud enough for the disciples to hear. Then only for Judas, “I’m sorry it had to be you.”

Judas took his face into his hands, and kissed him. He kissed the lips of God’s son and in all of the mess it was good. He was doing the one thing he’d always wanted. Seconds felt like minutes as the heavens and the earth stood still, because here Judas was and this was his kingdom. As he was about to pull away, Jesus did the thing Judas least expected and kissed him back. Judas knew in that moment that this was the one and only time Jesus had acted in defiance of his father and if the rest was all for nothing, at least this meant something.

But all things end, and when Jesus stepped back the heavens and the earth reached godspeed once again. Judas slipped away.

One of the leaders tried to give him the silver.

“Keep it, I don’t want it.”

“Are you stupid? I can’t keep it, it’s blood money.”

“See if I care,” he snapped and left without it. *****

Judas spent the night in the room they had dinner in. He laid on the floor where Jesus had sat hours earlier and he wept. It was the longest night of his life, longer than the nights he spent tearing at himself and his room, fighting insatiable hunger. The pit in his stomach tonight was bigger, a gaping space. He fell in and out of nightmares. He dreamt of God. A father to a son: you love blood too much. The son repeats it back and it means something different entirely.

Judas dreamt he was back in the shop, feeding the animals. Sheep crowd his legs, bleating for food. He saw one lying down in the far corner of the pen. When he approached it, he found its body lifeless. Stained in a pool of red.

A white light, a voice. The father again. Well done. There is no son this time, who would he be speaking to? Judas. He’s speaking to Judas. For your obedience you will be rewarded. There is no reward you can offer me that I will accept. Foolish child, is eternal life not enough for you? You know it’s not. Run then, child.

Judas woke up. In the distance he hears a rooster crow, announcing the rising sun. He knew what would happen to Jesus today. Judas would not know a world without him. God’s plan was carried out with tree and nails, but Judas found a rope worked fine.