Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Quick question.

What does it mean to be.. angry?

Or sad? Or.. depressed, honestly?

Because I sure as hell wouldn't know.

Or- at least, I don't think I would.

I'm not trying to say that I'm always happy and stuff. Because I'm not- of course I'm not! I'm a human! And humans have feelings and thoughts and emotions. Unless you're a psychopath or whatever. I think Rui mentioned that once or twice, but I forgot. It was a long time ago, anyway.

All that aside, the reason I'm asking this isn't so I can flaunt. It's so I can understand what's going on right now.

Is this what it means to 'wake up on the wrong side of the bed'? But if you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, wouldn't you want to get out? Get on the so-called 'right side'?

Because...

I can't.. move.

I can't get out of my bed.

Is it paralysis or something like that? No, I don't think so. I just.. can't bring myself to move.

I can't bring myself to get out of bed, and I don't know why.

I've been awake for a while, that's for sure. Ever since the sun began to rise, in fact. I saw it from the corner of my eyes when I first woke up.

And now it's bright and sunny. And I'm stuck here, in bed.

I've shifted a few times, yeah. Changed positions, tossed and turned and whatever. But every time I looked down at the wooden floorboards below my bed, I couldn't help but feel sick.

I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to stand on it.

I didn't want to get out of bed.

And I still don't. And I don't know why.

If I know that I should get out of bed, why can't I just do that? Why don't I have the energy to get up? It's not even comfortable anymore, I'm just lying here doing nothing. 

So.. that's my current predicament.

I can't get out of bed.

I don't have the energy to get out of bed.

But if I said it was just that, I'd be lying. I'd be dead wrong, because that's not the only problem.

I'm trying to find out what I'm feeling right now. What emotions are running through my mind and causing this.

I take a deep breath, narrowing my eyes.

Something is wrong.

I don't feel good. That's the problem.

Not in a physical way, but.. something emotionally. I can't pinpoint what it is, and it's hard for me to. I can't tell what this feeling is supposed to be.

I can't discern the meaning behind the tightness in my chest. I can't understand why it feels like my lungs are being squeezed. I can't find out the source of the weight pushing me down, I can't discover why my body feels so empty and heavy.

I don't know what these mean. Are these supposed to be symptoms of something?

Am I sad?

Am I angry?

Am I... something else? What even is this supposed to be?

Is it a mix of being both mad and sad? Disgruntled, frustrated, disappointed...

..Smad?

No, no. That's not even a real word. Idiot. Get your head together, there are things you need to do.

Right.

Speaking of things...

I really do have things I need to get to.

I planned to clean my room today.

I have practice with Wonderlands x Showtime at noon today.

I promised to cook dinner with Saki today.

I planned a movie night for my family today.

I have things to do.

So.. I have to get up.

...I have to get up.

My heart pounds, I can hear it thump in my ears. Once more, I breathe out shakily, my lungs pushing out all of the air inside and constricting my chest painfully.

I have to get up.

Why won't my body listen to me?

It's not hard.

It's not hard at all to just.. get up. To sit up, stretch, get out of bed.

Fix my bed. Do my skincare. Eat breakfast. Clean my room. Go outside and practice with the troupe. Visit SEKAI. Play with the plushies. Go bird-watching with Rin and Leon. Go back home. Cook dinner with Saki. Eat with the family. Make some popcorn. Sit on the couch. Watch movies and have fun. Do my nightly routine. Go back to sleep.

Not hard.

It isn't hard. I've done it countless times. So why can't I even go through with the first damn step to every single person's morning? Am I just that incompetent, am I weak? Am I stupid? Am I sick?

..No, I don't feel bad. I'm not sick. I don't feel like puking or throwing up. I'm fine.

...I'm fine, so why does my body refuse to just.. move?

Am I just deluding myself? Maybe I don't want to get out of bed. Maybe I just want to sleep for a little while longer.

...

My chest hurts.

I switch positions again, covering myself with my blanket. This isn't right. I know it isn't.

But I can't do anything about it.

My stomach grumbles.

I hear faint footsteps approach my room. With each step, they get louder and louder. Someone's coming up to visit me.

"...Big bro?" A familiar, feminine voice calls out. "Are you awake?"

I bite my lip.

No, Saki shouldn't be here. She was supposed to have practice with Leo/Need. Or maybe it wasn't time yet. I don't know. I can't see any clock or anything anyway.

My chest bubbles with a new, strange feeling.

I can't tell, I don't know what it is.

But something about Saki just.. being here feels wrong.

I don't.. know why I feel this way.

But I can't help but want Saki to leave. Leave me alone.

Go away.

I sink into the already flattened pillow, curling in on myself. I don't feel like talking.

"Hey...." Saki sings, drawing out her words. "You there, big bro~?"

No response.

I don't feel like talking.

I know it's rude. I know I shouldn't do this, but I just don't want to.

I don't want to talk to Saki right now. I don't need her helping me. I can get out of bed myself.

Saki steps closer. She bends down, leaning over me.

"Hellooo? Tsukasa?"

Ignoring the small side of me that wants to leap into her arms and yell "GOOD MORNING, SAKI!!!" at the loudest possible volume, I instead cover my face with the blankets.

"Go away, Saki..." 

Saki frowns.

"Well, that's not very like you.." She mumbles under her breath. She kneels down, poking my cheek. "Are you feeling alright, big bro? Did something happen?"

I groan, reaching over to swat Saki's hand away. Why can't she just leave..?

Saki's breath noticeably hitches.

"Big bro.." She begins carefully, "Are you okay?"

"Just leave me alone," I grumble. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make myself as small as possible in my bed. Saki sighs, clicking her tongue.

"Tsukasa." She repeats, voice firm and laced with concern. "Are you okay?"

It's like those expressions in cartoons or whatever. The ones where the character's veins start popping out because they're angry. That might just be me right now.

I just want her to get out of my face already. I don't want Saki here right now, why can't she just understand that-?!

"I'm in a bad mood," I spit out, huffing. "Just leave."

"Well, that's not good!" Saki pouts, shaking her head. "Do you need anything? I can bring you breakfast if you want! I made some french toast and scrambled eggs!"

After being met with silence, Saki hums. She's not giving up that easily, of course she won't. She's determined, after all. 

Which is really unfortunate, because of course she wouldn't give up. But this isn't what I need nor want from her right now! I just want to be left alone, can't she understand that?'

"Do you need to talk?" Saki offers kindly. Once again, she reaches out, much to my chagrin. "I don't have practice until a bit later, so maybe we can just talk for a while-"

Jesus christ! What the hell is wrong with her..?!

Despite my better judgement, I grit my teeth in annoyance, impulsively lashing out.

"I said NO, Saki-!" I cry out. I shove her away, groaning angrily as I squeeze my eyes shut in frustration. "Go away! Leave me alone, I don't WANT you here, I wish you would just LEAVE ME ALONE-!!"

"Ah-!"

All of a sudden, a strange, buzzing noise fills my ears. An irritating static, gaining volume slowly until I cover my ears.

And then, it muffles, and slowly goes away.

Teeth gritted and eyes still shut, I can't help but wonder what that strange noise was. Maybe it was all in my head-?

Slowly, I open my eyes. I glance over to where Saki stood, and quickly discover that..

She's gone.

She's disappeared.

She left me alone.

...

I narrow my eyes, sighing.

Good. I didn't want her here right now, anyway. She probably just left early or something. Maybe that strange noise was the door closing shut.

...Deep inside, I know that I shouldn't have lashed out. 

But I'm in a bad mood. What else do you expect me to do?

Realizing that I'm alone in the house now, I take a deep breath.

The bed is getting annoying now. It's not comfortable anymore. 

Slowly, I roll over to the edge, staring downwards at the wooden floorboards.

I..

I have to get out. I should look around and find something to make me feel better.

It's not good that I feel this way. I should find a way to get rid of it.

Get up.

Get up, I say to myself, still staring at the floor.

Get up.

Get up. You have to get up.

You're better than this.

You aren't pathetic. You aren't depressed. Just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, is all.

You'll get out of bed, and you'll go eat breakfast. Go do something to make you feel better.

That's it.

That's all you have to do.

That's all I have to do.

I just need to..

Get up.

Gathering all the strength I can find within myself at the moment, I push myself upwards, taking a deep, long breath.

Sitting up.

Sitting up, now.

That's good. That's something.

I dangle my legs over the edge of the bed, biting my lip.

I wonder what's up with me today.

I wonder what's wrong with me.

I'm better than this.

I shouldn't have lashed out at Saki.

Maybe she's still here.

Maybe I can apologize.

"...Saki?"

My voice echoes throughout the unsettlingly empty house.

"Saki," I speak out again, "Are you still there?"

There's no reply. The silence instills itself in my body, my chest tightening as my breath hitched for a split second.

I put a hand against my beating heart.

Stop.

Stop. Calm down. You're fine.

You can.. you can fix things later.

It's whatever.

It was Saki's fault for provoking me, anyway.

She should've just left me alone when I asked the first time.

This is her fault. She brought that upon herself.

She.. she should be apologizing to me.

Not the other way around.

I shouldn't be thinking like this.

This isn't my fault.

I'll just wait for her to come back home.

In the meantime... I'll make something.

I slowly stand up, taking a few steps forward to look back at my bed. I stumble over my own feet once or twice.

My bed.

Safe.

Comfortable.

..Kind of.

I'm out of it now.

I won't go back in.

I won't touch it.

..I don't feel like fixing it right now. I'll do it later.

I walk downstairs, almost tripping again and falling all the way down. I hate these stupid fucking stairs.

There's something about the empty house that makes me feel uneasy. Something doesn't seem right.

...Something tells me that Saki didn't just.. leave the house like that.

Did she disappear? Did I make her disappear?

No, no.

That can't be right. How would that even work? She probably just left.

Good.

Good, good, good.

However she did it, and wherever she went, at least she was gone.

...At least Saki was gone.

And at least I'm alone.

See, see, that's good. This is good. I can focus on myself now.

I don't need Saki.

I don't need anyone.

I just need myself. I can make myself feel better. I don't need help from anyone.

From upstairs, I hear a loud BANG. I jolt in surprise, gasping and whipping my head around towards the source of the noise.

It's Saki's door.

BANG

BANG

BANG

BANG

I frown, stepping backwards.

Is Saki still here, after all?

But then...

..

CRACK

Wh-?!

From her door, the walls begin to crack, spreading throughout the house.

What... what is this?

This isn't right. This can't be- what's going on?!

Immediately, my chest begins to tighten again, and my heart pounds.

Why am I.. what is this?

I shouldn't be scared. I shouldn't...

The ground beneath me begins to tremble. I clutch the railing, crouching down.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

The walls.

A strange, shadowy darkness seeps through the cracks. They don't spread, but they linger, waving around and floating like leaves gently swaying with the wind.

The shaking stops. The loud cracks and banging fade away, leaving the silence to be louder than ever before.

I glance towards Saki's door.

The darkness envelops the door, pulsing dangerously.

I feel like...

I feel like it's calling me.

...

Ah...

What's going on with me today..?

I stand up, my legs shaky.

This is... 

..

I don't know.

But I can deal with it. I have to.

This isn't hurting me. I can handle this.

I can deal with this on my own.

I look down at my stomach.

It feels empty. I should eat.

But I think I've lost my appetite.

Chapter Text

Something about the silence of the house irks me. The shadows creep through the cracks in the walls, but I don't dare touch it.

Even if it looks so.. strangely enticing. For a moment, I reach towards one of the many cracks in the kitchen, before shaking my head and pulling away.

I shouldn't touch it.

I shouldn't even go near it. I don't know what that thing is.

But.. at least it doesn't look like it'll hurt anyone. And by anyone, currently, that's just me.

Because...

I'm the only one here. And I'm alone.

Saki... left already. However she did. But she's gone.

I walk out of the kitchen, sighing.

"I can eat later," I say to myself out loud. My voice sounds weird. Strangely different from how I remember myself sounding, yet I can't manage to find exactly how it's different. But in the end, it's not like there's anybody to hear me, anyway. So it shouldn't matter... right?

I sit down on the couch, curling up and hugging my knees to my chest. I kind of miss the bed.

I wish I could get back in.

No, no, no. I can't do that, that's bad. I got up after so long, I can't just go back to bed after all that. Then there would have been no point in getting up, anyway.

I stare at the big black screen in front of me. The television. I can see my reflection through it, albeit not very clearly. Still, I take a look at myself.

My hair is rough and tousled. Clothes wrinkled and dirty, eyes tired and lacking the normal shine others always compliment me for.

Right.

They would say that I look like shit. They'd ask me, 'Is something wrong? Did you have a bad day?' And I would shake my head and reply, 'Maybe I just didn't get enough sleep last night, haha! I stayed up pretty late studying for english, after all!'

Then they would leave me alone, and my curved lips would droop, muscles relaxing as I could finally take a break from all the annoying, annoying, annoying people getting all up in my fucking business.

And then another person would come around and ask. And I would put on that same fake smile, trying to seem as normal as possible. Nobody wants to see someone so happy and excited acting all emo and depressed, anyway.

They'd all be happier if they didn't know that I was on the verge of taking a leap of faith off of a forty feet high cliff.

I scoff, shaking my head and closing my eyes. Now I'm even more bitter. So much for imagination.

I open my eyes once more and glance at the tv, then focusing my gaze on the remote sitting on the coffee table.

Maybe watching something on tv will make me feel better. I can look at a happy show or something, check out the news, something to get me back in the groove. Sitting on the couch and moping around won't do anything for me, anyway.

I snatch the remote off the table, taking a deep breath as I point it towards the tv and press down on the power button. With a quick buzz, the tv turns on, and I relax in my seat, taking a few seconds to look at the current program running.

"19 people found dead and 27 gravely injured after a dangerous flooding occurs near Kyoto-"

...Maybe not this.

I switch the channel, hoping that the news will be something a bit more lighter.

"A sudden earthquake in South Korea sends typhoon warnings to southern Japan-"

I narrow my eyes. Perhaps watching the news was a bad idea. Maybe there are shows that I can watch..

"Please, don't leave me...!"

"Perhaps.. in another life, w- we can meet again.."

Too sad.

"I HATE YOU! LEAVE, LEAVE, I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!"

"But I don't-!"

"FUCK OFF! SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP! GO AWAY! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

That's too depressing.

"Doctor, will she...?"

"..I'm sorry. Your daughter only has around a month left to live."

"cough M-mama...?"

My expression switches to a sour frown.

I don't like this.

I switch channels one last time, preparing for the worst.

But strangely enough, all I see on the screen is a hospital bed. The quality is pixelated and blurry, the sound of static filling the empty house. The shadows on the walls pulse and grow steadily, and my heart pounds.

A hospital bed.

A familiar hospital bed.

The nightstand next to the bed holds a few paper cranes. 

I remember that. A paper crane.

I tried making them for Saki. A good one thousand of them. But I quickly decided to give up after getting at least ten papercuts in the process. There was no use if it would only end up with me getting hurt, anyway. 

In the end, those stupid paper cranes were only apart of a myth, anyway. Who cares about good fortune, or being granted a stupid wish?

I already made a wish.

("I wish you would just LEAVE ME ALONE-!!")

That wish had come true. No dumb paper origami cranes required.

The bitter scowl on my face only darkens at the memory of my own words.

To think that I could say such a thing towards my own sister...

..

..

..

No.

No, no, no.

She deserved it anyway. For being so stupid and annoying.

If she was still in the hospital, she wouldn't have to bother me like this.

..

..

..

Christ.

What am I even saying?

I cover my face, gritting my teeth as I suck in a sharp breath.

Why did I even say that?! What's wrong with me?!

The static from the tv grows louder as I mentally berate myself.

Wishing your own sister was back in the hospital.. what's wrong with you?

You're a terrible person. Terrible, terrible, terrible. Just outright despicable.

You can't say those things.

You can't say those things towards your own sister. You're disgusting.

Disgusting. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. Horrible.

You're a horrible person, Tsukasa Tenma. You're a horrible person. You don't deserve Saki. You don't deserve her.

The static grows stronger and stronger, louder and louder, the shadows on the wall throbbing dangerously as the stretch outwards.

My breath hitches.

When did it get so...?

Since when was it so dark..?

I sit upwards, back straightening as I look around the house. 

The lights in the living room flicker. The ceiling fan buzzes, spinning uncontrollably. I can't help but imagine what would happen if someone's hair got caught in it.  They'd be spinning around and around and around and around with no end in sight, like an eternal merry-go-round, until they die. Or maybe their neck is hanging on a noose, tied to one of the blades. they'll be choking and losing their last bits of air as their body swings around and around, vision blurry and eyes watery with tears as the wind whips at their face. 

Or maybe their neck just gets sliced open by the blade. With a machine that can go that fast, I'm sure it could happen. They'll just stick their head in there and boom! Blood splashes everywhere as the walls and ceilings and floors are painted with a crimson red liquid. Their body will fall to the ground and splatter, blood pouring out beneath then as their bones crack and break. 

Or who knows, maybe their head just gets sliced right off. What a way to go out.

I can't help but imagine myself sticking my head in between the ceiling fan. Waiting for the fan to get faster and faster until I throw myself onto the rotating blades.

Or what if the fan falls on me now? I'm sure the world wouldn't mind hearing about yet another freak accident: Tenma Tsukasa, age 18, leader of the up-and-coming theatre troupe Wonderlands x Showtime, found dead in his home after a deadly ceiling fan crashes onto his body and cuts him up.

What a way to be famous. I'm sure that way, I can become a star. They'll be talking about me for years to come. Such a tragic death worth mourning.

...Or perhaps, nobody would care. More and more stupid freak accidents will happen and cover up my rotting body with their own. Piling on top of each other, a mountain of dead, rotting flesh and bone. Flies and insects and maggots eating away at the abundance of decaying carcasses.

I can't help but think to myself: What fun.

The darkness drips onto the floors, pouring out beneath the cracks and spreading across the wooden floorboards. I look down, inhaling sharply. The lights continue to flicker.

BANG

BANG

BANG

BANG

The banging from Saki's door is back. I feel the ground beneath me tremble as the cracks in the walls spread and expand, connecting like the silky, white web of a spider.

Again, my chest begins to tighten. I bring a hand to my heart, squeezing. 

I feel like I can't breathe. The air is stuffy and humid, my stomach filled with dread and unease. Something is wrong. Something here is... horribly wrong.

I can't seem to make anything out of it, though. The static of the tv and banging of the door fills my ears and blends together like an aggravating racket, like an out of tune violin playing right beside me.

I can't take this. This isn't... this isn't right. Something about this is wrong, wrong, wrong, horribly wrong.

I look around.

The lights suddenly burst and explode, shards of glass falling from the ceiling as the wind from the fan sends each piece of broken glass flying across the house. I gasp, quickly ducking underneath the coffee table to hide myself. A few shards stick to my back anyways, and I hiss in pain. But for some reason, it only seems to hurt for just a moment. Then, it goes away.

But then, I look up, and I realize something.

The coffee table is covered in an inky black substance.

My eyes widen.

The walls are, too.

All of it, shrouded in a pitch-black darkness. The only light source I have is the tv.

The tv, showing the same feed of a single hospital room.

Saki's hospital room.

I hear a voice whisper in my ear. Multiple of them, overlapping in my head. But they all say the same thing, and I can't tell what it is.

My hands reach upwards, towards my ears.

Stop.

Stop, stop it. Stop it. I don't want to hear these voices. I don't want to listen. Stop talking to me, I won't listen to you.

I want.. I want to be alone. I just want to be alone. Let be be alone, please.

Leave me alone. Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone. Go away.

Go away.

The farther the shadows spread, the louder the static pulses. The louder the banging gets, the louder the whispering becomes. I try to cover my ears, but it won't stop.

It won't stop. None of it will stop. Even if I squeeze my eyes shut, even if I cover my ears. I can still hear it, loud and clear. The banging, the static, the whispers. My own heavy breathing. I can still see the faint white glow of the tv even with my eyes closed. I still see the same image in my head.

Saki's hospital bed.

The one that I previously wished that she was still in. Laying in the bed, staring up at a blank white ceiling. Breathing heavy and labored as she coughed and hacked and fought tooth and nail for just one more second of life. 

"Nnhh-"

My nails dig into my face as I try to block it out. But I still see it. I still hear it. And no matter how hard I try to get rid of those senses, they only grow stronger and stronger.

Until I'm forced to listen. Until I'm forced to watch.

My eyes open wide, staring at the TV. The glow of the TV. My arms fall limp to my sides, the static and banging and whispering screaming into my ears.

I have to get out of here. I don't want to be here, I have to get out of here. I don't want to be here.

I look around. The door is just at the front, I know that. My eyes look down at my feet. the shadows crawling and writhing around.

For a moment, I consider stepping into the dark fog. Letting it take me away. Seeing what would happen.

But then, I remember. 

I don't want this.

I can't have this.

I... I want to feel better.

I want to get rid of this feeling in my chest. This tired in my head. 

I can't give in. I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't.

I need to try. I have to keep going.

I take a deep breath.

Get out, I tell myself.

Get out of here. Get out of the house. The house is not safe anymore.

Run.

Run, run, run. You have to run.

I take a step forward. My legs feel numb and heavy. I feel exhausted.

Run.

Run, run, run, run, run. Run.

I take another step towards the door. The shadows on the wall creep around, slithering on the floors as they crawl towards me, desperate to leech off of my body and mind and soul.

No.

No, no, no. Run.

I sprint towards the door, quickly turning the knob and throwing it open. The whispers raise their volume to a loud scream, but the moment I take a step through the door and find myself out of the house, I hear one final SLAM- the slam of a door closing shut, and it all dies down.

The banging. The whispers. The tv static.

It's all gone. And I find that the world is once again silent and empty.

I stare down at my shaky legs.

I feel like I'm about to pass out.

My eyes close themselves as I take a few deep breaths.

Calm down.

Calm down, calm down, calm down.

They can't get you here. They can't get you from outside.

I open my eyes once more, looking around.

Sterile, white walls. A blank ceiling.

A narrow hallway.

I find myself in a hospital.

Oh.

I walk forwards, each slow step echoing through the slender halls. Somehow, I know exactly where to go. I know exactly where I should be.

I look to the side, pausing at a familiar vending machine.

I would buy snacks from this vending machine. Whenever I visited... her.

I can't seem to recall the name right now, strangely.

I look at all the snacks inside.

I don't recall these names.

I avert my gaze, shoulders slouching as I continue trudging past the hallways and hospital rooms. A few times, I take a peek into some.

Empty. Dirty. Rusty. The smell of rotting flesh. Flies and grey garbage bags and open windows that send no air into the room despite the swaying of the curtains.

I narrow my eyes and keep going, staring blankly ahead as I move towards my destination. It's as if my body is on autopilot. I know what to do, where to be, and yet there's no memory of it at all.

There's no memory of how I know this. Why I know where to go, why I know what to do.

But I feel too tired to question it. I want to go to sleep.

My movements are slow and sluggish, feet unsteady and weak. I want to go to sleep.

I want to go to sleep.

I want to go to sleep.

I want to go to sleep.

I want to go back to bed.

Bed.

Bed.

Bed, where I can close my eyes and sink into the pillows and let my dreams drag me away, let the calming, gently waves pull me out to sea.

I want to go to sleep.

I wanna go sleep.

I finally reach my destination. A hospital room at the end of the hallway. Room 400.

A label is written on the door. The last part is scratched out.

[Tenma]

That's.. me.

That's my name. Tenma.

Tenma Tsukasa. That's me.

This is where I'm supposed to be.

I step into the room, eyeing the bed. Then, I switch my gaze over to the nightstand.

A paper crane.

Eyes narrowed, I take the paper crane into my hands and crush it, throwing it into the garbage.

There's no use for it. It's stupid anyway. It doesn't matter.

I search the room for any other paper cranes, promptly ripping them apart or crushing them or crumbling them into a ball before chucking it into the room's trash bin.

Nobody cares about a stupid wish. A stupid crane won't do anything.

As I throw the last crane into the bin, the door mysteriously creaks, slowly shutting itself.

A nurse will be here to visit you soon.

...I know.

I look back at the bed.

I should get in.

Someone is coming in soon. I don't want them to find me out of bed.

They'll tell me to get back in. And when I don't, they'll stab me. And I'll fall to the ground and cry and they'll put me back in the bed. 

Whatever.

I want to go to sleep, anyway. I don't plan to fight back anytime soon.

Slowly, I lay down on the stiff hospital bed, resting my head on the coarse, white pillow. I stare up at the ceiling with a blank expression, waiting.

Someone will be here soon.

I have to wait.

I can't go back to sleep yet.

In the back of my mind, I recall a time where I wanted to get out of bed. A time where I would tell myself, no, you can't go back to sleep. You've wasted so much time and energy trying to get out.

That was stupid of me. So stupid.

Stupid, dumb me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid and dumb Tenma Tsukasa. 

Stupid.

The bed is comfortable. I can go to sleep.

I won't have to worry about anything when sleeping. I don't have to hear people calling my name, being annoying and bothering me. I can just sleep.

The door creaks open, interrupting my thoughts. I look at the person entering the room through half-lidded eyes.

"Hello, S̷̲͚̼̖̯̞̣̤̭̗̈a̴̞̻̼͎͓̘͆̽̈̔k̸̩̩̺͌̏̀̏͝͝į̶̮̯̠͕̉͑̉́͝Tsukasa."

The woman entering the room looks strangely familiar. Her bright, blonde hair tied back into twin tails, the tips fading into a bright strawberry pink. Yet, her face is distorted, and I am unable to make it out.

It's as if a large shadow is blocking her face from my view. 

"..Hi."

"How do you feel?"

The woman pulls up a chair, sitting next to me and taking a clipboard out from her jacket. "Have there been any changes to your health since our last checkup? Have your symptoms gotten any better or worse?"

Something about this interaction feels strange. Uncanny. Forced.

"No."

"Good, good." The woman nods, scrawling a few words onto the clipboard. I wish I knew what she was writing.

"Did you eat this morning?"

"No."

My replies come almost immediately, as if they were automated.

Something isn't right.

"Is there anything you'd like for me to get you?" The lady asks, tilting her head to the side. The shadows on her face shift, the shades of monochrome static moving around like a light show. "Do you want anything?"

The words spill out of my mouth like blood from a freshly cut artery. "I want to be alone."

The nurse hums. She writes more notes down. "Why is that?"

"I want to sleep."

"You want to sleep?" She repeats.

I nod. "I want to sleep."

"I see."

The woman looks at me. Through the static, I feel as if there are eyes watching me. Burning into my soul.

"Why do you want to sleep?" She asks me. "Are you tired? Or would you rather just escape your own problems?"

What?

"You yelled." The nurse leans closer. The distorted static morphs into a large, cruel smile. "You yelled at your own sister."

I...

I did.

"Because you wanted to be alone."

I did.

"Not because you wanted to sleep. You just want to avoid the world."

Something doesn't feel right. A strange, black tar begins to drip down from the walls.

The woman laughs. "I see, I see," She repeats in a teasing, sing-song tone. "Well, no matter, Tsukasa. I can help you go to sleep, if that is what you truly want right now."

Suddenly, I find myself wanting to stay awake more than anything. The former lethargy and exhaustion has disappeared, and my eyes dart around, looking for any opening that I can leave through.

I glance at the nurse. She laughs at my sudden panic, putting a hand on my tensed shoulder. "Now, relax, Tsukasa. We wouldn't want your health to get any worse."

For some strange reason, I find my body and mind relax at her touch. It was as if there was never any reason to start panicking in the...

First...  place....?

The nurse takes out a syringe, the static covering her face sending me a warm smile. "This will make you feel better, Tsukasa."

My eyes widen at the syringe, panic surging through my body once more at the sight of the sharp needle. But the nurse squeezes my shoulder again, and I instinctively relax. The walls reek of black, slimy liquid. Saki pays no mind.

"Tsukasa," She whispers. The static begins to slowly fade, piece by piece. "Do you not regret yelling at your little sister?"

I make out a familiar face. Bright, vengeful pink eyes, filled with cruel mockery as she sneers down at me.

...

...

That's...

"Do you remember, big brother?" She whispers. The needle grows closer, and her nails dig into my shoulders.

"Wh-"

"Do you remember what you said to me?" Saki asks, her smile fading to a blank stare as she holds the needle to my arm. I try to jerk it away, but I quickly realize that I'm unable to move.

Do I remember what...

..Oh. She means-?

("I don't WANT you here, I wish you would just LEAVE ME ALONE-!!")

Oh.

I guessed it, didn't I? I said she would be mad. Now look at her.

Mad.

Angry.

This is my fault.

My fault, I tell myself. This is because I lashed out at her. I lashed out, and now she's mad.

"That wasn't very nice of you, Tsukasa." Saki tells me, confirming my thoughts. "I didn't like it very much when you yelled at me like that. But it's okay, I'll make it all better."

She positions the needle next to my arm. The tip pokes at my skin, and it feels so, so wrong that I can't tense my body. 

"S-saki-" I choke out, "I-"

"You're a horrible brother." Saki spits out. 

She plunges the syringe into my arm, a crazed grin spreading across her face as she injects the contents of the needle into my veins, I bite back a scream, squeezing my eyes shut.

What is she doing.

What is she doing?! What's in that thing- no, no, she wouldn't hurt her brother, right?! Saki's not... she's not a bad person, she isn't-!!

"How do you feel, Tsukasa?" She asks me, mimicking her previous act as a nurse. With my eyes wide in horror and fear, I can only sputter, my words beginning to slur:

"Wh.. wha'd you d...?"

Saki laughs. She claps her hands and stands up, leaving the syringe stuck in my arm. She doesn't plan to take it out any time soon.

...It hurts.

"Don't worry, Tsukasa~!" She sings, taunting my inability to move. "You'll feel soooo much better soon.."

"S..saahh..."

Saki bounces towards the door, my garbled mumbling falling deaf to her ears as she shuts it closed. The goopy, tar-like liquid from the walls reach the floors, dripping and spreading slowly across the tiled floor.

The moment the door clicks shut, I begin to feel a strange sensation run throughout my body. My breaths are shallow and shaky, body beginning to sweat and tremble as I feel my mind fog up.

What's happening, what's happening to me? I can't move. I can't move, I want to move, it hurts, what did she do to me? What did she do to me, why is she doing this to me?

My heart pounds in my ears while my vision grows blurry. I feel like passing out, I feel so... tired..-

..Ah.

Ah, no.

No, no no no no no. I can't, I can't let myself fall asleep...!

I desperately attempt to fight off the exhaustion creeping up in the back of my mind, my chest tightening. It's getting so much harder to breathe. I bet if I just went to sleep, I wouldn't have to go through this pain....

"Khh-!"

No. No! Stop, stop stop stop! Not like this, no! I can't go out like this, I can't, I can't I can't I can't I can't...

But it's getting so hard.

So, so hard. Just to keep my eyes open.

I can barely breathe anymore. My body feels cold, numb. I can't...

I can't feel anything.

Please, please, please, let me just....

I stare up at the ceiling for a few seconds. The black tar seeps through the cracks, plopping down onto my nose.

My eyes droop and fall closed.

And for a moment, just for a moment- while the world begins to fade away, out of my reach...

I can hear the sound of a prolonged beeeeeeep.

I can hear the sound of a heart monitor falling into a flatline.

Then, I can't hear anything anymore.

Chapter Text

Opening my eyes leads me to a familiar sight.

Phoenix Wonderland.

My house is not safe anymore. I'll go here.

Maybe I can find Emu here. The Wonder Stage wasn't in use, so we were planning to use it today to practice.

Strangely, despite the loud exclamations and yelling of adults and children alike flooding into my ears, a familiar sound that signified happiness, joy, enjoyment, fun, smiles- 

-There was no one in sight.

The parking lot was littered with cars. Almost every single space was full. A few buses were also tucked into their own parking space.

But there was nobody in the park.

I might be hallucinating. But whether it's auditory or visual, I can't exactly tell.

The rides are moving. The horses on the merry-go-round are bobbing up and down as they rotate around the carousel, just like they're meant to. But nobody is on them. The slingshot is working, all the games are being playing in full swing- even the water gun games, but nobody is working them or playing them. 

I can't see anyone. Maybe the problem here really is me.

But Emu shouldn't be too hard to find, right? She's short, pink, always excited and yelling. There's no way that I can't spot her. And if not her body, then...

I'll recognize her voice, at least. I'm sure that's how it works. It's got to be normal.

I make my way through the park, eyes darting around cautiously. My arm hurts, and I'm not exactly sure why. But for whatever reason, it's sluggish, and I can barely move that arm. It's just laying limp at my sides.

Maybe I'll be able to move it soon. That's what I'm hoping, at least. The numbness and pain can't last for that long, surely.

The park is so unsettling when there's nobody here. I can't help but wonder why.

My mind wanders back to my words- the very ones I had yelled towards Saki.

("I wish you would just LEAVE ME ALONE-!!")

Those words.

Those mean words. The wish I made for her to leave me alone. How rude is that?

I really am a horrible brother for saying something like that towards my own sister. How despicable of me.

In the end, I even lost sight of what I was trying to do in the first place. I was supposed to be finding a way to get rid of this strange, weighing feeling in my chest. The one I can't decipher. The one I keep calling 'just a bad mood' or anger.

That's not right. I know it's not.

I know it's something else, but I can't just place what exactly it is. It's so weird.

But I don't like it. I want to get rid of it.

I don't like feeling this way. I want to feel better.

...I want to feel better.

I'm a star, after all. I can't just be laying in bed all day, or sulking about some words that I spat out impulsively in a fit of anger. That's not right. I have to make things right myself. I have to apologize, I have to take a break, do things, get out of the house, make myself feel better.

...

...

...

The house...

Right.

I can't go back to the house. The house isn't safe anymore.

I shudder, shoulders hunching forwards as I recall the black shadow that covered the walls and floors.

I can't go back there. I have to stay here. I have to be anywhere but there.

I can't let myself just fall back into the darkness. I can't do that. That's not right. That's not very starlike of me.

That's not....

I put a hand to my chest, frowning.

I can't explain this feeling. I don't know why I feel this way.

I want to make it stop. I can't even explain how it feels anymore. It's so strange.

I pass by the ferris wheel, pausing for a moment to look up at the giant attraction. 

The cars sway dangerously as the wind blows by, leaving me shivering. It's really cold, and for some reason I can feel the strong breeze of the wind more than I can feel the heat of the sun on my back. Curiously, I look at at the sky.

The sun doesn't seem so bright as I thought it was. Something about this is different.

But the sun looks familiar. Something about it feels—

...

Maybe not.

I shake my head, continuing on. I have to make my way to the wonder stage. Emu will be there, waiting for me.

I have to get to Emu.

Emu is.. like the sun. She can make me feel better. Of course she can. She's always excited, and bubbly, and happy..

...But I asked to be alone.

I grasp at my chest again. It's so easy for me to feel this way. I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it.

I have to help myself. I have to make myself feel better.

That's all I want.

To be happy. Right?

I just want to be happy. Everyone just wants to be happy.

What was it again? Something about Thomas Jefferson... Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The pursuit of happiness.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm just... pursuing happiness. I'm on my way to pursue happiness.

If I find my troupe, if I find Emu... surely, I'll find my happiness again. I'll be happy again, with my troupe.

But not with your own family?

...

I should hurry up.

——

The thing about not knowing whether your hallucinations are auditory or visual is that it slowly drives you more insane.

Because you see things happen. You hear voices filled with happiness and excitement and joy, but you don't see the source of it.

You'll see a dart fly through the air and hit a balloon, but you won't see the kid who threw it. You won't see the mother cheering for her child, you won't see the owner of the stall clap, but you'll see the prize move towards the child. You'll hear the 'good job!' and clapping, you'll hear the excited laughing and 'I did it, I did it!'s of the little kid who succeeded. 

You'll hear all of it. But you won't see any of it.

And you can't tell if it's all in your head. But of course it is, of course this is all in your head.

But you can't do anything about it. You just have to watch as the world moves on without you.

It makes you wonder if you can even be seen.

From the eyes of all those people, am I the invisible one? Am I the one who can't be seen?

Or can they see me, after all? What if they can see me, and this is all in my head, and I'm going insane?

Haha.. 

What if I never even left that bed in the first place?

The loud, screeching wheels of a nearby rollercoaster on the rails reaches my ears. It's an irritating, grating noise; one that makes me cover my ears and hiss painfully. 

Still, it's so loud. I can still hear it perfectly fine despite my covered ears.

I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. 

I just wish that stupid rollercoaster would stop working. If it did, then I wouldn't have to hear that noise anymore.

In fact, I don't want to hear the people screaming in happiness and excitement, either. It's not fair. Why do they get to be happy? 

Why do I have to be the one to suffer? Why am I the one in a bad move, and no one else? 

I bet things wouldn't be so happy anymore if that rollercoaster stopped. Maybe one of the rails would break. Maybe the coaster would derail, and maybe it would fall. Maybe it'd break and then send all the passengers falling through the air. They'd scream and cry and hang onto one another, but in the end, they'd all be found dead on the ground.

A family of four. 

A group of teenagers.

A school choir.

Perhaps someone's head would be chopped off in the process. Their neck would snap and break, the sound of cracking bones resounding in the air as their head would fall into a bush, followed by the car, smashing it to pieces to the point of unrecognition. 

And when they found the body, without a head, they wouldn't know who it was. There would be no way to identify the poor, lost soul whose life had been lost due to a shameful freak accident. With blood and guts and bone and pieces of scrap metal scattered around the park. And the park would lose money, and lose customers because woah, there was an accident? Was the rollercoaster not safe? What if all the other attractions are unsafe, too? We shouldn't go!, And then the park would shut down.

And then nobody would be happy.

There would be so many deaths. So many casualties and injuries, I bet the Otori family would never be able to come back from something like this.

Emu would be heartbroken. And the entire park would shut down.

Maybe someone at the park was working minimum wage. Maybe they didn't have a house, and working as a mascot at the park was their only source of money.

Maybe, when they lose their job, they'll end up homeless on the streets. They'll beg for money and get none.

Then, they'll starve in the back of an alleyway near a restaurant. A poor, underpaid chef would be throwing out the trash and he'd see a dead body rotting near the trash bin.

What a shame.

Nobody would be happy then. Fuck the pursuit of happiness. Thomas Jefferson was an idiot. I'm glad he's dead.

I blink for a moment, then turn back to look at the rollercoaster.

I don't see the car anywhere in sight.

Maybe it really did fall off and kill 30 people in cold blood.

And I haven't moved an inch.

I haven't moved. This entire time, I didn't move a single step.

...

I should hurry. I need to get to the Wonder Stage.

I look over to the side. A shoddy wooden sign beside a narrow path reads:

[THIS WAY: WONDER STAGE! ☆]

There. There it is. Emu will be there.

I'll see her, and then we can practice. And I'll feel better.

I know I will.

I know. I know, I know, I know.

I have to.

..But....

Since when was the Wonder Stage this close to the-?

——

The trail to the wonder stage is completely silent and covered with fallen leaves and barren trees. The sun is shrouded, covered with gloomy, grey clouds like a somber autumn afternoon. It looks like it's about to rain. I step on the dead leaves, finding satisfaction in the way they crunch when I crush them.

It's like watching the light leave someone's eyes. Watching their final moments, staring up at me with a desperate, pleading expression.

But I don't listen.

I don't care.

I'll crush them. Crack their skulls open and watch their blood and brains pour out mercilessly.

And it'll be satisfying. And I'll like the sound. So I'll do it again, and again, and again and again.

crunch

crunch

crunch

See?

The sound is nice.

Good thing the leaves are already dead. At least they won't be able to feel the pain. And it's not like leaves can feel pain, anyway. They're leaves. Leaves aren't alive. They don't have feelings.

Part of me wonders what it's like to be a leaf. If leaves don't have feelings, then that means I wouldn't have to feel this way. I wouldn't have this strange, heavy weight in my chest dragging me down.

That would be much better, now, wouldn't it?

The path feels lime it's getting longer and longer. Something about this irks me, it doesn't feel right.

I should have reached the stage by now.

But instead, I keep on walking and walking and walking. My shoulder beings to throb. 

Why is the path so long? It feels like it's just stretching out for all eternity. Every time I step on one of the leaves, an uncanny feeling envelops my heart.

If I listen hard enough, I can hear a faint scream with each leaf I step upon. A sob, an indistinct call for help.

One that won't ever be answered. So I pretend I don't care, I pretend I don't hear.

Ignorance is bliss, after all.

For a moment, I pause. I look behind me, curious. Just how far have I strayed from the main park...?

.

.

.

The sight that greets me is not a theme park.

Nor is it a dreary path, littered with empty trees and dead leaves.

What greets me is darkness.

A pitch-black, shadowy darkness, pulsing and throbbing as it reaches towards me.

My breath hitches. My eyes widen. 

The darkness.

It's here.

It's here. It's come to get me.

I take a slow step back, my hands trembling nervously as I watch the shadows inch towards me. Whispering.

Come here.

We want you.

Join us.

I can't do that.

I can't... I can't do that.

Run.

Run, run, run, I tell myself. I plead to my brain, beg towards my legs.

Please run. You have to run. You have to get away.

You have to run.

My steps grow rapid and quick-paced, until I turn around and begin to bolt down the path. I can't let the darkness reach me. I don't want to let the darkness reach me. I don't want to know what will happen if I do.

You're a horrible brother, the darkness screams towards me.

You're a horrible brother.

You're a horrible brother.

Horrible.

Horrible.

Horrible, horrible, horrible.

I know, I yell back.

I know.

I know, I know, I know.

I know I'm a horrible brother. I know I'm a horrible person.

I know I'm horrible.

I know I don't deserve this.

I know I shouldn't be doing this.

I know I don't deserve any of this.

I know I don't deserve Saki.

I know I don't deserve her as a sister.

I know.

I know, I know, I know.

Finally, I catch the sight of a familiar stage in the distance.

The wonder stage. It's here.

I don't turn to look back. If I do, it'll slow me down. I don't have any time to catch my breath. If Emu is there at the Wonder Stage, then I have to warn her. I have to make sur she knows, and then we can run together.

I inhale sharply, crying out as I reach the stage. "Emu-!!"

..

..

..

...Nothing.

She's not.. here.

Instinctively, I pause.

I really did think that Emu would be here. Now that she isn't... it kinda sucks. 

It really, truly does suck a lot.

I turn around to look at the shadows behind me. I know I said I wouldn't, but-

..but....

...Oh.

It's.. stopped.

The shadows. They've stopped. They aren't following me.

I take a few steps back, almost bumping into a rusty bench. The darkness does not creep closer. Instead, it stays still, deciding to watch.

Deciding to wait.

An unnerving feeling crawls its way into my stomach. It feels wrong, but...

It's not hurting anybody.

So I suppose I can leave it.

I turn back around to look at the Wonder Stage and its contents. The benches are tarnished and rusty, vines trailing around the corroded legs of the seats. The Wonder Stage itself looks broken, torn apart. The wooden backdrops are chipped and covered in dust, the paint peeling off the surface. One of the trees have fallen onto the ground, leaving the large prop broken and beyond repair. The beams on the ceiling are cracked and on the verge of falling, and in fact, one of the lights have already smashed down on the wooden floorboards, leaving it cracked and bent and broken.

I slowly walk towards the stage, my steps careful and slow as I make my way up the creaking stairs. This place looks abandoned. I wonder what happened here. 

It looks uncanny.

A spider skitters away near my feet; I can't help but freeze for a single moment as I watch it scurry away in fear. I wonder if spiders are afraid of humans, too, just as much as were scared of them. I wonder if they know we're scared, or if they think we aren't.

It would all have just been one miscommunication, that way. 

But I'd still kill it. If I gathered the guts to do so. I hate bugs.

The floorboards squeak and groan with each step I take. Glass from the fallen stage light crunches beneath my shoes, though I take care to side step over the broken shards under me. I bend down in front of the stage light, inspecting it curiously.

Beneath the light, hidden below the clamp, lies a small, dried wad of crimson red. I look closer, eyes widening.

It's blood.

Dried blood.

Someone was hurt here.

Taking a closer look at the toppled over tree, I see more blood caught underneath the wood. A few of the broken cardboard props strewn across the floors of the stage seem to share the same traits, as well. A tiny, hidden clump of blood. I even catch sight of a few pink strands of hair. They seem familiar, but I can't seem to tell how or why. I can't recognize why the hair looks so familiar.

..But someone was hurt here.

I look around.

Who was hurt? Is this why this place looks so desolate? Did the injury cause the audience to run away, screaming in fear and horror as blood splattered across the stage? Were the children so horrified, teens traumatized, adults terrified of such an accident that they told the rest of the park? Did the news spread to the community, were all those noises just in my head after all?

Maybe I was right, I think to myself. Perhaps I was right, and an accident did happen here. Maybe I really was hallucinating everything. Maybe none of this is real.

Maybe none of this is real.

How silly of me. I really am going insane.

Backstage doesn't seem to be doing so hot, either. The mirrors are cracked and broken, streaks of dried blood painting the floors and walls. Shattered lightbulbs and shards of glass are strewn across the floor, leaving the backstage dark and creepy as I continue to explore the origins of this strange abandonment. I catch sight of a familiar flag resting against the wall, stained with blood and clearly something else, yet I can't tell what. It's almost dry, anyway.

Suddenly, I hear a strange, faint BANG. 

The sound is muffled. The origin seems to be coming from underneath me.

That's right, I remember. The trap room. The hidden room beneath the stage. I'd forgotten about that.

Maybe the person I'm searching for is hiding there. I should go under.

I make my way back to the stage. The darkness had advanced while I was searching behind the curtains. It waits at the audience seats, its surroundings enveloped in a black, shadowy corruption. 

It's as if the darkness is waiting.

Waiting for me. Waiting for a show to start.

I ignore the squeeze of my chest, bending down to open the trapdoor. The muffled banging immediately grows louder, and I carefully climb down the ladder to discover...

"Hehehe... hehehehahaahahaah...!!"

Hiding in the corner of the room, surrounded by bloodied tissues and broken props, sits a short, pink-haired girl. Her knees are curled up to her chest as she rocks back and forth, muttering incoherently under her breath as she giggles uncontrollably. Occasionally, she'll slam her head against the wall and let out an excited shriek.

This girl, she's....

"..Hello?"

The girl stops laughing. Her rocking slows to an abrupt stop as she gasps loudly and looks at me, bloodshot eyes wide and crazed. Her pink hair is tousled and rough, her breathing loud and raspy as she gawks at me in silence with a wide-open mouth.

"A-aahh..." 

Finally, she speaks up, leading forwards. "Tsukasa-kun," She breathes out, slowly grinning. "Ts-Tsukasa-kun, it's you..! 'S you, you!"

I blink rapidly, nodding. My hand lets go of the ladder. "..Yes."

The girl snickers. There's nothing funny about this. "I've been waiting," She mutters, "I've been waiting, waiting, waiting for soooooooooo long for you to come here, hehahah!!"

I feel like I should run. This doesn't feel right.

It doesn't feel right, and yet.....

Instead of walking away, I end up taking a step forwards.

How strange. I feel like I can barely control my own words and actions these days.

"You've been waiting,"

"Yeah, yeah! I've been waiting and waiting for suupperrr duper long!" The girl cries out, throwing her hands in the air to aid her clear exaggeration. "Heheh, It's so nice to see you again, Tsukasa-kun~!"

I feel a lump form in my throat, yet I keep talking anyway. "Have you been here this entire time?"

"Why, of course, silly!" The girl tilts her head to the side, giggling once more. "Did the others not tell you?"

What others?

"No."

"Aw," The girl pouts. Slowly, she brings herself to her feet. There's something bulging out of a pocket in her pants. "That's a shame! No wonder you didn't come to visit me..."

Visit?

Visit her... where? Here? I didn't know that she was here. How would I have been able to visit if I didn't even..?

"Sorry."

The girl covers her smile with her hand, laughing again. "No, no! Don't apologize, Tsukasa-kun! It's okay, it's okay! Besides, I have a fun game I wanna play with you now that you're here!"

A fun game...

A fun game.

"What game?" I ask. My head tilts to the side.

The pinkette pats the item in her pocket. "Do y'know what the knife game is, Tsukasa-kun?"

...The...

The knife game?

I mean, yes, I know it. I do. I've heard of it before.

But why does she want to play the knife game with me?

The girl skips towards me, humming. Her hand is placed near her pocket, ready to bring out the item at any time.

"I wanna play it with you!" The girl sings cheerfully. The closer she gets to me, the more my body begins to tremble. I try to step away, but before I can, the girl grabs my wrist.

Tightly.

She looks at me directly in the face, through the fog in my mind, I can recognize her pink irises, full of insanity and hysteria.

Emu.

It's Emu.

Who else would it be?, I think.

But it's Emu.

This is Emu.

"Tsukasa, Tsukaaaassaaaaaaaa~!" Gleeful, Emu twirls around me, dragging my body to the floor with a thud. "Just lay down here, lay down! Noooo worries! I'll make sure all your limbs are still in tact!"

For some reason, I can't seem to move.

I can't get up. I can't get out.

Do I even want to get out...? Do I just want Emu to-?

Through the corners of my eye, I see Emu take out the item in her pocket.

A shiny butchers knife.

Emu positions herself above me, laughing. "Don't look so scared, Tsukasa!" She exclaims. "It'll be fun, trust me!"

For a moment, she leans closer, whispering in my ear.

"Besides! This is your fault, anyway."

"...My fault..?"

My whisper comes out as nervous and hoarse. Emu's mouth becomes an 'O' shape for a split moment, before she throws herself backwards and outright howls in laughter. She kicks her legs back and forth, screeching and cackling like a lunatic.

"OH!" She cries out, gasping for air between her fits of laughter. "OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!! KYAAHAHHAHA! YOU DON'T REMEMBER?!"

Emu quickly rocks herself forwards, bouncing back and getting all up in my face. She takes my arms, spreading them out like a starfish.

"YOU DON'T REMEMBER?!" She shouts at me. Her loud, high pitched voice hurts my ear. "OH, OH! TSUKASA, TSUKASA, YOU-!!"

She holds up her knife, shaking with laughter as she grins manically. Her voice lowers to a breathless utter. "You don't remember? What you did?"

Eyes wide in horror, I slowly shake my head. I want to move my arms. I want to move my legs. I want to get up and out of here. "N-no-"

"You left me." Emu's smile drops. There's no amusement in her voice anymore. It's as if a switch in her brain was flipped, and she went from crazy and insane to...

Vengeful.

And blood-thirsty.

For...

..

..

Oh.

My heart begins to race. My chest pounds and squeezes the air out of my longs, constricting and tightening. 

I can't breathe.

Emu quickly smiles again.

"It's okay, Tsukasa." She tells me. "Even a horrible friend like you deserves a fun, happy death!"

"A-A horri-"

"Yeah!" Emu snickers. "You're a horrible friend, Tsukasa-kun! And I'm gonna make you payyyy~!!"

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, no.

No, no, I don't want this.

What did I do? Why is this my fault?

Was that Emu's blood on stage? Did I get her hurt?

Is it because of me that the stage is abandoned? Did I shut the park down?

Emu inhales sharply, bouncing the knife up and down as she prepares to strike. I squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for the burning pain to kick in.

"OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~~~!"

SLAM

.

.

...Ah.

Emu slams the knife down on the floor, right beside my neck. For a moment, I think she missed, but then... 

She does it again. With the other side of my neck.

("Do y'know what the knife game is, Tsukasa-kun?")

...Oh.

I get it now.

This is a game.

This is a game. A game, and I'm....

Emu starts to sing. Her song is in tune with the beat of the knife hitting near my neck and arms.

"I have all my body parts, the knife goes chop, chop, chop~!" She sings gleefully, "If I miss the spaces in between, my limb will come right off!"

Miss.

Miss.

Miss.

I can't help but wait for when she finally strikes.

"And If I hit my body then the blood will soon come out! But all the same, we play this game, 'cause that's what it's all about!"

Her singing picks up in speed, as does the knife.

Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss.

"Ohhh, chop chop chop chop chop chop chop, I'm picking up the speed!"

Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss.

"And if I hit my body then my skin is gonna-!"

A gasp.

Emu's hand slips. She falters, the knife plunging right into my-

"Woah..!"

Oh.

It hurts.

I didn't- oh god.

Oh god. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I want it to stop.

I want it to stop. I'm bleeding.

I can't breathe. It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it...!

"Uwaaahh!!!! Don't worry, Tsukasa-kun! I'll save you!"

Emu's faint cry brings me a sense of relief as she positions the knife above my heart.

She'll stop it.

She'll save me from this pain.

She'll....

She'll..—

STAB

Red.

Chapter Text

Things are always so strangely ethereal when you're near the water. Especially without the sun, for some reason.

The water pushes itself towards the shore, before pulling back daintily and repeating the process. The sound of the waves are calming and gentle, a feeling of peace washing over me as I crouch down and stare at the sand below me. I brush over a few holes in the sand, flattening the surface and covering them with a soft smile. 

There's no real emotion behind that smile, I quickly realize.

I sit down, hugging my knees to my chest as I watch the waves push and pull themselves towards me and away from me.

There's nobody here at the beach. For once, it makes sense. Nobody is supposed to be at the beach right now anyway.

It's about to rain. Thunder booms in the distance, flashes of light appearing amongst the grey clouds. I close my eyes, waiting for the rain to come. 

The rain is calming. I'm not afraid.

But I have to wait for it to come. It won't be fun just waiting here like this.

I decide to stand up. Behind the beach likes a boardwalk, filled with different souvenir shops and restaurants. All of them are deserted, empty. I should look around and explore a few of them.

The floorboards creak and groan beneath me as I step on them. Walking by the few stores in sight, I catch sight of a few names. They're all..

..Really sad. And depressing, actually. 

An uneasy feeling fills my stomach. I can't help but wonder if any of this is real. The signs on the doors say that the shops are open, but the lights are off and the windows are dusty and there's nobody inside.

I grasp at my chest, rubbing the back of my head with my other hand. My neck kind of hurts, but I can't exactly pinpoint why. Something feels strange.

Suddenly, I pause and stop in my tracks.

..

How did I even get here?

I don't remember walking to the beach. I don't remember how or when I even got here, actually.

...But it seems normal.

It doesn't feel like something I should question. Maybe I just don't remember it. Maybe it's something I shouldn't think about.

It'll make things more confusing, anyway. I should focus on what's right in front of me instead. Besides, it's not like I plan to retrace my steps anyway. The wonder stage isn't safe anymore, and neither is my house. I can't go back there.

The shadows are there. I can't let it catch up to me. So wherever I end up, that means I'm further away from those shadows. If I'm further away, then it's better.

I take a moment to reassess my surroundings, shaking my head repeatedly. I don't like this feeling. I can barely tell what's going on anymore. This doesn't..

..

I step off the boardwalk, sighing. I need to stop.

I sit back down in front of the water, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.

In, and out.

Calm down.

You just need to stay away from the bad. Find something good, find something happy.

Happy. Happy, happy, happy.

The pursuit of happiness.

Find your happy.

Be happy. You have to. You can't mope around like this all day. It's not good.

But I don't feel happy.

I don't feel happy. I tried, I tried and Phoenix Wonderland and nothing worked. I tried to distract myself and nothing worked.

Nothing is working. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

Is there something I can do? Am I even supposed to be doing something? Am I searching right, am I doing this right?

There's no way I am. There's no way in hell that this is right. I'm not doing this right. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. None of this is being done right, and I'm just being stupid.

The wooden floorboards from behind me creak faintly. I suck in a sharp breath, immediately finding my body to be tense and stiff.

Is there something behind me?

Is there....

.

.

.

I don't wanna look.

I don't want to look behind me. My heart drops, my hands sweat and tremble nervously.

I don't want to turn around. I don't want to look behind me.

I can't...

I can't-

I look down at my legs.

They won't move. They can't move.

Why can't my legs move...?

I can hear the whispers creeping behind me.

Stupid

Horrible

Stupid

Dumb

Idiot

I can hear them talk behind my back. I can feel the air still, the water reflecting the image behind me.

A shadow. A large darkness, slowly enveloping the stores and sand and boardwalk. My breaths are shallow and shuddering as I stare at the reflection in the water. 

My expression is wide-eyed and fearful. Dark eyebags and a pair of bloodshot scleras filled with horror and confusion. 

I can't move my legs. 

It's coming towards me, and I can't move. I can't..

Why am I frozen?

Why can't I move?

What's going on? This isn't supposed to be happening.

This isn't fair.

This isn't....

Horrible

Horrible

Horrible

You're a horrible brother

You're a horrible friend

horrible

Horrible horrible

horrible.

Ho  r   r  i b  l e 

My body is shaking.

I can't move.

I can't move.

I have to move. But I can't move.

I want to move. I should be moving. I should be running.

But I'm not.

I'm staring at the water in fear.

Waiting for the darkness to swallow me whole. Infect and corrupt me, take over my mind and shroud it in-

.

A..

A voice.

..Huh?

What is that...

I look out into the sea, desperately begging and pleading.

There's a voice. I can hear a voice. Faint, separated from the distance.

The voice comes from the water.

It's a song. A lovely, harmonic melody, resounding through the quiet beach and cutting through the cacophony of painful, insolent whispers from the darkness.

Light.

Like a light.

Please save me.

Help.

Help.

Help.

It's getting closer. I can't breathe. I can't do anything. I can't move.

Save me.

Whoever is down there, save me.

The fragile, dainty voice answers me.

"Close your eyes."

Whispers the familiar voice. A voice associated with green hair and lavender eyes.

"Just stay there. I'll get you."

I close my eyes, and I wait.

The whispers grow louder. Their overlapping voices yelling in my ear, calling me horrible, horrible, horrible.

A horrible brother.

A horrible friend.

Horrible.

Why am I so horrible?

What did I do?

Why did I do that?

Why did I hurt Emu? Why did I yell at Saki? Why did I push away those who cared for me the most?

Why does my chest hurt? Why does it feel like my heart is about to explode? Why does my body feel hot and sweaty, yet cold all the same? What's with the blurry vision, the shallow breaths, the trembling, throbbing limbs?

Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt so much?

Why do I hurt?

Why do I hurt so much?

How can this be fair? How can any of this be fair?

I feel a pair of cold, wet arms wrap themselves around my body.

"You better thank me for this." Mutters the voice, shy and awkward. "I'm not doing this for free."

I know.

I know, I know, I know.

I know you aren't.

I know you didn't have to do this. I know you did it anyway.

Because you were kind.

And I was selfish.

I know.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm...

I- I'm...

...

...

...

..

..

..

.

.

.

"Open your eyes, idiot. You're safe now."

My eyes flutter open. A warm, fuzzy blanket is wrapped around my body, a cup of steaming hot chocolate in a festive little mug sitting on a table in front of me, waiting to be drunk.

I look over to the side, taking in my surroundings. Most of it is quite empty and bland, but I see a familiar green haired girl in the kitchen, chopping a few vegetables to put into a pot of piping hot soup on the stove. I can hear the satisfying bubbling noise of the soup from here on the couch.

The green girl looks back at me, raising an eyebrow. Her face is muddled and distorted, but her neck...

There's something on her neck. Though the mark is hidden by the turtleneck she wears, I see it.

Darkness.

But when I blink, the shadow disappears.

It's gone. It disappeared.

I narrow my eyes curiously.

"Hey," She pipes up, bored. "How do you feel, Tsukasa?"

I stare at the green haired girl, lips parted slightly with no sound coming out. After a few seconds of hesitation, I blurt out a reply.

"..Fine."

As fine as I can be, anyway. Or, at least, I think so.

Maybe I'm not fine. Maybe I'm not okay. But of that's the case, then I just have to keep trying. I have to keep running.

..

But I ran. And I'm not okay yet. I'm not happy yet.

Just how much longer do I have to keep running like this before the pain stops? How much longer do I have to have my mind weighed down by this strange, unwelcoming feeling? I can't even discern it anymore. I've gone from trying to find out what that feeling was, to trying to distract myself from it and stop the feeling, to trying to be happy, to trying to run.

Or maybe, all this time, I was just running. Maybe seeking happiness and distraction and finding shoddy ways to stop the feeling, even just for a little while, are all just different ways of running.

Avoiding it. Avoiding that feeling in my head and chest. That darkness constantly creeping behind me.

I've just been avoiding it. Running away from it.

"But how can you make yourself feel better if you don't understand it?" The green girl asks me, as if reading my mind.

She's right.

How am I supposed to stop this feeling? How do I make myself feel better if I don't know what this feeling is? How do I make it stop if I don't understand how it works?

"..I don't know." I whisper softly. The green girl hums.

"You need to get your head out of the gutter, Tsukasa." She tells me. 

Harsh, but good advice.

I think it is, anyway. Maybe it at least has good intentions.

"You need to stop being so selfish."

I raise my eyebrows, surprised.

What?

Selfish?

How am...

How am I being selfish?

What did I do?

The green girl approaches me, holding a bowl of soup in her hands. 

"You're really selfish, Tsukasa," She tells me, as if it's a well known fact. "Really, you are. It's something that needs changing."

The girl sets the bowl of soup in front of me, beside the hot chocolate. I'm not sure if it would go very well together, but I wonder how it would taste if hot chocolate noodles existed. If the soup was hot chocolate, and everything else was normal.

Probably really, really bad.

I ignore the gut instinct telling me to try it.

The green haired girl takes a seat in front of me, watching me in earnest. Her eyes are blurred and slightly muddled, and I find myself unable to see what she's really thinking. But the smile on her face seems empty and devoid of any emotions and feelings. It's a smile that makes my skin crawl, like a thousand little ants and maggots are eating away at my skin brutally. 

As I think this, I swear her soft grin grows ever so wider. 

"I made it for you." She nudges the bowl, urging me to take a sip of the soup inside. "Go on, Tsukasa. Try it. It would be selfish of you to just deny it after I saved you, wouldn't it?"

In my mind, I think to myself.

She's right. This girl is right, isn't she?

It would be selfish if I didn't take the food she gave mer. She saved me from the darkness, from those lurking shadows. I should be thankful.

I should stop being selfish.

I should accept the food. Even if it looks rotten and moldy and distasteful.

I should... take it. And eat it. Drink it.

I should stop, stop, stop. Stop being so mean and selfish.

I should stop being a horrible brother. I should stop being a horrible friend.

I take the bowl into my hands, cradling it carefully as I bring it upwards to my mouth. The green haired girl tilts her head to the side in curiosity, watching diligently as I bring the soup to my lips.

She smiles, bitter.

The bitter tase reaches my lips. The soup feels grainy, chunky. Incomplete. It doesn't even feel like soup. The texture is like sand, like a powdered soup packet that never got to properly disintegrate into the water and mix together. I suppress the gag, instead forcing myself to swallow the rough texture of the soup.

It tastes horrible.

"Is it good?" The green-haired girl asks, and I find myself nodding instinctively.

Good.

Good, good, good. It's good.

It would be selfish to say it was bad. It would be selfish and mean and horrible if I told her that the soup did not tastes as good as she thought it did.

I can't be selfish. I can't be mean and horrible.

I can't hurt another person.

The girl stares at me in silence for a few seconds.

"Good," She mutters. "I made it for you, after all. It wouldn't be very good if it tasted bad."

She's right.

Yes, she's completely right.

It would be bad.

And if she knew, then her feelings would be hurt.

That's not good. That's not good at all.

I set the bowl of soup down. There's something in her distorted eyes that tells me that there might be something wrong.

...

Something is wrong.

Right?

"Emu." The green haired girl whispers. "She saw you."

..

..

..Emu.

The fleeting memory of a knife tearing apart my skin sends my hands flying to my chest, clutching my heart protectively.

Ah...

It hurts.

The green haired girl hums. "You saw her."

I nod instinctively.

I did. I did see her.

And she...

.

.

.

She...

..

"You hurt her. Remember? On stage?"

On..

On stage?

When did that...

A strange feeling begins to fill my senses. 

"You yelled at her. At us. You said it was our fault."

The green haired girl pauses.

"You said it was my fault." She whispers. "Because I couldn't perform."

Because-

("Oh, so you're a shy girl? Not good with public performances?")

"'You think that's an excuse?'" The girl recites. Her smile is gone, lost. 

A dark shadow creeps up her neck. My breath hitches.

My body is sweating.

Pale.

I can't seem to breathe.

"You're so mean, Tsukasa." The girl- no, no.

Her name.

The girl, Nene, hisses at me.

"You're so selfish. Why did you think that you could say that? Do you know how much it hurt?"

Nene leans closer. As she draws near, I feel my head start to spin. It's not only her face that grows distorted. My vision spins and blurs, lightheaded and sweaty.

Something is wrong.

Something happened. Something happened, something is happening.

She did something to me.

She did something to me. Something is happening, something is happening to me, and she did it to me.

Something is happening to me.

"Do you feel it now?" Nene asks, grabbing my face.

Cold. Warm. Chilly. Sweaty.

Dizzy. 

Faint.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

"Do you feel the pain?" Nene mumbles. "Do you feel my pain? How I felt when you said those words? How I felt when you were selfish and rude? All for your own gain?"

I feel.

I feel it. I know. I feel it, I feel it, I do.

Stop.

I don't like it.

Make it stop.

Why do I feel so numb? Why do I feel so dizzy? Why do I feel like I'm about to...?

Nene squeezes my face. It hurts. Make it stop.

"You're selfish. You are a selfish person, Tsukasa."

No.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can do better, I can fix things. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm—

Dizzy

faint

sick

pass out

I feel bad.

Help.

I look at Nene through a distorted, fuzzy and blurry vision, pleading desperately as my eyes droop.

help 

help

help

help

help

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

stop it

please

please

stop

stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

why

why does it fee;

why

bad

so bad why

why does it feel like

this

so bad

so bad bad bad bad bad

Faint laughter. Muffled voice.

Losing consciousness

helphelp

helphelp

help

help

help

hhelp

help

help

help

please

nene

nene

nene-

"I hate you."

Dark.

Darkness.

...

...Sorry.

Chapter Text

What does it mean?

Like, what does any of this mean?

I don't know my own feelings. I can't remember my own friends and what I did to them.

I yelled at Saki. I yelled at Nene, too. I hurt Emu.

.

.

.

That doesn't seem right.

The classroom hallways are empty. My steps echo through the vacant school as I walk around, curious. Things are beginning to get a little strange, but I can't place how exactly.

None of this feels right. There are gaps in my memory that I can't recall, there's a numb feeling in my arm, a sharp pain in my neck, a dull ache in my stomach. I don't know how or when they got here.

In fact, I don't know how or when I even got here. It isn't something I can remember. But when I try to look back on it, there's nothing in my mind that can help me recall just what happened before. For some reason, I can only look back on the faintest of details.

I remember trying to distract myself at home. I remember the ache in my chest, I remember the ground trembling beneath my feet as the walls shook and cracked, a loud banging coming from Saki's door as a shadowy darkness swelled and seeped through the open cracks amongst the walls.

I remember that same darkness beginning to envelope the house. I remember the static of the tv, I remember trying to escape.

I remember a hospital room. I remember a vending machine. I remember white, sterile walls dripping with black tar. I remember the faint image of a familiar nurse, the sharp edge of a glinting needle.

I remember finding myself at Phoenix wonderland. I remember how I could see objects moving, I remember how I could hear the screams and laughter and chatter of the guests at the park, yet not being able to see any of them. I remember wondering if I was insane. I remember the silence of the park after wishing that it would all go away. I remember finding the path to the wonder stage.

I remember stepping upon each and every one of the orange, dead leaves, finding satisfaction in the crunching noise. I remember the darkness catching up, swelling and pulsing and rushing towards me like a strong tidal wave mercilessly crushing the contents below it without care. 

I remember reaching a rusty, broken and abandoned stage. I remember seeing dried blood and clumps of hair. I remember entering the trap room, I remember the insanity of a familiar face that was once filled with happiness and smiles, I remember laughter and blood and a kitchen knife.

I remember being at the beach. I remember finding solace in the sloshing of the waves, I remember walking around the boardwalk before coming back to the shore and sitting down. I remember the shadows engulfing the stores and wooden floorboards. I remember not being able to move. I remember a faint, singing voice, carrying me away.

I remember a warm blanket. I remember a drink, a bowl of soup. I remember a bitter taste, and even more bitter words coming from a familiar face- one that I had said my own fair share of rude words to. 

And now, I'm here. I don't know how. I can't remember what happened between the timeframe that I was with Nene, and when I ended up here. I can't remember it.

Maybe it doesn't even matter, anyway. If I think like that, then surely it'll be okay, right?

I'll just try to find out why I'm here. I'll find a way to get out, and then I can start making things right.

..But how do I even do that?

How can I make things right if I can't even fully remember what went wrong?

("How can you make yourself feel better if you don't understand it?")

Right.

Right, right, of course. of course.

I still don't feel any better. At this point, I can't even tell if what I'm doing will work out in the end. I can't tell if this is the right way to go. If this is how I can properly get rid of the darkness chasing after me, get rid of the emotions in my mind and heart weighing me down, make things right and make things better.

Am I even supposed to be making things right? Is there something that I should be doing instead of this?

I pass by a classroom, still on the first floor.

1-B. This was my class when I was in my first year. On a familiar desk, one that I recall as my own for that year, lies a piece of paper with red ink on it.

Curious, I open the door with a swish, stepping inside. I wonder what this is.

Side stepping around the desks that seem to all be dusty for some strange reason, I make my way over to my old desk, leaning over the table and picking up the paper.

It's a marked test. At the top of the page, underlined, my name is scrawled. 

Underneath it:

Meet me after class, Tenma!

I gulp, nervous for myself. Even if it was in the past, I can't help but feel a pang of fear in my chest. There's no way a message like that, especially on a test, can't fill anyone with dread or send shivers down their spine. And looking at the test results and subject only confirms those fears.

It's an english test.

A 37 percent. A 37 on an english test.

I slam the paper back down onto the desk, grimacing at the horrid mark and leaning back.

Oh, goodness.

A thirty seven is not a good mark to get on a test. Any test.

Just how many questions were on here..?

I quickly scan the pages, wincing for each correction scrawled in red ink. 

There were 34 questions.

A thirty seven percent mark on an english quiz with thirty four questions.

Only thirty four questions.

That's... horrible. Like, really really horrible. That's such a bad mark. What even caused this?

I was sure I studied. In fact, I 'd like to think that I'm a very studious student! Even in junior high! Every night before a test or quiz of any sort, I would be cramming my face into those textbook pages! So how come I got such a bad mark? Did I really not study the material, after all? Or what if this was a matter of skill? Was it a pop quiz? Did I still not understand the material even after working my butt off to study for this quiz?

I shake my head, sighing. It was a miracle that I ended up passing first year english with a horrible grade like that. Either the teacher ended up being merciful and rounded up a few numbers, or I ended up locking in and getting at least.. maybe an 85. Maximum. On my final grade.

I step out of the room, closing the door shut slowly. The halls are still silent. Through the windows leading outside, I can see the orange and pinks and reds and yellows painting the sky as the sun begins to slowly set. The hall is tinted in the same, saturated warm shades, filling me with a strange, nostalgic and calming feeling.

Even though outside, if I look hard enough, I can see the edges of a corrupting darkness slowly spread throughout the nearby towns and neighbourhoods. Ignoring the darkness is a conscious decision, really. I can worry about that later.

I make my way to the second floor, pushing the doors to the stairwell open with a loud creak. Hearing all my footsteps echo makes me feel like I'm in some kind of cinematic scene in a movie of some sort. The echo really does make everything feel so ethereal, none of this even feels like it's real life.

It all just feels like this one, big dream. Or maybe, it's a nightmare. With the way things are going, I'd like to call this situation a nightmare.

Or maybe I'm sick, and this is actually a big hallucination or a fever dream. An illusion, a trick made by my own mind in order to make myself suffer as much as possible.

I wonder why my mind would do that to me. I wonder what I did to make my brain so mad at me. Maybe I just deserve it, for yelling at Saki. Hurting my friends, whether directly or indirectly. Being selfish and horrible and not apologizing for the things that I did to the people I care about. I bet they don't even care about me. At least, not anymore, after all that I've done.

Maybe this is really just an apology for everything. For my entire life as a whole.

The second floor is pretty much the same as the first. Through the windows of my second year class- classroom 2-A, I see another paper lying on my former desk. in fact, there's not just one paper there. There are multiple. A shiver runs down my spine as I notice the familiar red ink of doom, and I gulp in fear as I slide the door open and walk towards it.

This time, instead of english, these packets focus on.. physics. Another subject that isn't exactly my best. With all the stunts that I pull off all the time for Rui, even I'm surprised that I almost failed in only this subject. Not in english, no. Just physics. How weird is that?

I quickly flip through the poorly completed homework sheets, frowning. One of the pages are completely scribbled over in pencil, the emotions of frustration and annoyance radiating from the angered scratches on the paper. The graded tests, as expected, were pretty bad. They all ranged from low 80's to 40's. Again, not good.

Then, there were the packets. The ones given when I had to take those supplementary classes. I remember that; it didn't happen too long ago, actually.

Most of them are filled out correctly, but that was just because I had the help of Rui and the others to guide me. If I was doing this on my own, I'm sure that it wouldn't have been as good as this was. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I would've..

..

I shake my head, setting the packet back down on the desk with the rest of the remaining papers and tests and homework, looking out the window. From higher ground, I can see the city a little bit better now. Not as good compared to the roof, but we're getting a little closer to that bird's eye view.

Next up, floor three. This is where all the third-year classes are. My class is here, too, with Rui. My desk sits right behind his, near the window. It's not very useful since I can't see the board all that well with Rui's tall figure, but when you put that out of the question, the view is mostly fine. Rui's height really is the only problem here, it seems.

I step inside classroom 3-C, making my way over to my desk. Strangely enough, my desk is empty this time. Just like all the others. There are no failed tests or horribly done homework or supplementary class packets on the table. It's just barren and empty, blending in with the rest of the desks in not just this classroom, but the entire school, it seems.

I wonder why this desk is empty. Maybe it's because I haven't gotten any bad grades yet.

But that can't be right. I have gotten a few poorly completed tests so far. I passed physics, but just barely. In fact, I originally failed. The only reason I managed to actually 'pass' was because of that extra test, and because I studied so hard for it. Realistically, if that test counted for my actual grade, I'm sure it wouldn't have much of an impact compared to all the bad tests I've received with marks ranging from the forties to the sixties. It'd just get squashed beneath those grades.

I don't like that fact, but it really is true. And it hurts. I've set such high goals for myself, and yet for some reason, I can't even complete the bare minimum. It's just not fair. Not to me, not to my grades, not to my brain. 

Maybe that's what I'm being punished for. Maybe the real big bad of this whole situation will end up being a pop quiz that's just impossible to beat.

From failing grades, to letting down my friends, to hurting my own sister.

I really am a pathetic person, aren't I?

I'm so stupid.

I really am stupid. So, so, so stupid. It's not fair.

Why can I be smart like Emu or Rui? Why can't I be skilled like Nene and Saki? They're all so good at things, and here I am, unable to graze even the bare fucking minimum. Compared to everyone I've known in my life, I'm just a failure to them. Someone will have me stand side my side with anybody else, whether it's Emu and her acrobats and happy go lucky attitude, Rui and his advanced technology and robotics, or Nene and her bravery and singing skills, and I bet that anyone, and I mean anybody- I bet they'd choose them over me. I bet that I would just be left behind in the dirt as Nene becomes a world famous actress, as Rui directs an Oscar winning performance, as Emu becomes the next manager of Phoenix Wonderland. They'll be doing great things, great things, and I'll be left alone. Alone in the dirt, working at a shitty office job that offers no benefits and minimum wage.

They'll be happy. And I won't.

I'll be alone. The world will change, the world will move on without me, and I will be left alone. Nobody will remember the name of the egotistical troupe leader who hurts those closest to him and only cares for himself. Nobody will care when they find out that the former leader of a disbanded troupe killed himself in a shoddy, run down apartment at 7 PM in the evening. Nobody will come to the funeral of a boy who caused shame to his family, caused pain and suffering to his friends and caused nothing but harm to those around him, close or not.

Nobody will care.

Nobody will care when they see a dead body in a bathtub filled to the brim with water, the tap still running and flooding the rest of the house. Nobody will care when they see a dead body, pale and unmoving, drool dripping from the corners of his lips on the bathroom floor with a orange pill bottle laying on the side, small capsules spilling from the open container. Nobody will care when they see a dead body laying on a bed, bloodied and bruised with a limp arm hanging from the edge and a knife stained with blood right below it, the perfect explanation for the deep cuts on the skin and slits on the wrist. Nobody will care when they see a dead body hanging from the ceiling, frozen and still and suspended in the air with rope burns and a knocked over chair behind it. Nobody will care when they see a dead body sitting on the couch, skin pale and cheeks sunken, bones showing as flies and maggots surround the corpse to pick and eat at the flesh without a care in the world.

Nobody will care about my dead body.

My dead body. Anywhere.

Nobody will care about my dead body in a hospital bed, eyes glazed over and mouth hung open as a syringe filled with a lethal injection sticks out from the upper part of my arm, near the shoulder.

Nobody will care about my dead body hidden beneath a stage in the trap room, neck slit wide open and chest torn open and ripped to shreds, blood pooling on the ground beneath me and staining the wooden floors with a sticky, crimson red.

Nobody will care about my dead body sitting on the couch, skin pale and drool trickling down my chin with a knocked over bowl of soup and mug of hot chocolate stain the rug on the floor, my body slowly leaning to the side and falling limply on the ground alongside the soup and hot chocolate stained carpet.

Nobody will care. Nobody will care about me.

Nobody cared about me before, nobody cares about me now, nobody will care about me in the future.

That's just the truth. The wholehearted truth.

My hands reach towards my chest, gripping my collar as faint ill mannered whispers fill my ears. From the corners of my eye, I see a wave of darkness surge and swell, passing the gates of the school and slowly rising up the building. 

No. No, no, no, no, no. This can't be. This can't be happening again.

Where do I go? Where am I supposed to go?! What do I do?! This isn't right, this isn't, none of this is right, where do I go, where can I go, what am I supposed to do right now?!

I can't go down the stairs. The darkness will be waiting to engulf me whole in one fell swoop.

That means I can only go up.

Up, up, up, up, up.

I can only go up. This is the only thing that I can do.

I have to go up. I have to get up the stairs before the shadows catch me.

I have to reach the rooftop before the darkness does. I can't let myself be taken away; I don't want to know what will happen. I don't want to know what will happen to me if I fall in. if I give in. if those whispers drag me down into the depths, if I give up and allow the darkness to carry me away.

I don't want it. I can't have it. i can't let that happen to me. Not now, not now, not now, not now, not ever. Not ever. Not ever. Not ever.

I bolt out of the classroom, almost tripping over one of the legs of the desks. I stumble forwards desperately, regaining my footing and sprinting as fast as I can towards the nearest stairwell. It's just to the right.

As I slam the door to the stairs open with a loud BANG, I hear the whispers surge as they increase with volume. I see the darkness creeping upwards from the corner of my eyes; there's no more time to waste. there was never any time to waste, and yet I wasted it anyway, allowing myself to sulk and mope around and mourn a future that doesn't even exist yet. 

Just give up.

Come with us.

Give in.

It'll be so easy.

So fun.

So relaxing, if you just let us take you.

I know.

I know, I know, I know and I want to. I want to so bad, I want to give in to the darkness so bad. It's like as if the darkness was the tide, slowly pulling me towards it with a calming, relaxing proposition and action.

But I can't. I can't let that happen to me. I can't let myself do that. I can't give in, I can't give up, no matter how much I oh so desperately want to.

Horrible, The darkness says back to me, full of disgust and bitterness.

You are horrible.

This is horrible.

You are disgusting.

You are selfish.

Disgusting and horrible and selfish.

a horrible brother.

a horrible friend.

a selfish person.

You hurt those closest to you.

You only cause them pain. You hold them down, you bring them back. You are nothing but a selfish, useless, worthless child with no intelligence and skill and talent to save your life. Yu are expendable. You will die alone one day, without support from family and friends, and nobody will bat an eye. Nobody will care, nobody cares, nobody cares, nobody cares about you you selfish worthless dumb stupid idiotic talentless horrible horrible disgusting useless little prick—

I reach the rooftop.

It takes a bit of strength to push open the door, so I lean all my body weight on it and push it with gritted teeth. It takes up a lot of energy, but eventually, I manage to slam it open with a surprised cry.

"Wh-"

My eyes widen in shock as I see a familiar face standing by the fence, looking back at me with just as much surprise. The door slams closed behind me with a heavy BAM, and the two of us stare at each other, shocked and wide eyed.

It's Rui. Rui is the one staring at me.

Why is he here? Doesn't he see-

"You finally came." 

Rui speaks. He turns the rest of his body around to face me, and I straighten my back. The whispers have muffled and slowly decreased in volume, until all that I can hear is the faint woosh of the wind in my ears and Rui's voice, gentle, yet firm, filled with a feeling that I can't describe, yet it makes my chest ache.

"I've been waiting here for a bit," Rui mutters. He sits down on a metal bench behind him, expression blank. I can't read his face, nor can I discern the emotions or feelings or intent behind those golden irises of his. "You really took your time, didn't you?"

I take a step forward, my legs weak and numb. "You waited?"

"I waited," Rui nods, still staring right into my eyes. I can't help but feel a little bit unsettled.

There's a few more seconds of silence before he speaks up once more.

"You know, I heard about what happened. With you and your sister. With Emu and Nene. I heard it all."

Oh. So he did. 

"May I ask, Tsukasa," Rui begins, right as I begin to step forwards again. This time, I move to sit beside him on the bench. I don't know why I do it, but I just do. It's instinct. "Why do you feel this way?"

"Why do I...?"

"Why do you feel the need to hurt everyone so much?"

My breath hitches. What does he mean by-?

"You yelled at your sister. Why? What made you do that? Why did you feel the need to yell at her?"

Rui leans in closer. "Were you frustrated? Were you tired, or angry, or exhausted? Did you wake up in a bad mood? Did you wake up from a bad dream?"

Wake up...

"I don't know."

"You don't know?" Rui tilts his head to the side.

"No."

"Then why did you yell at Nene when she failed?" Rui asks next. "Were you mad that the show didn't go as planned? Were you mad that Nenerobo fell onto you? Was it a spur of the moment decision to start arguing and blaming Nene for the problem?"

Again, I shake my head.

"I don't know."

"Even back then?" Rui hums.

"I don't know," I repeat. Because I don't know. I really don't.

"Then how did you feel when she ran away? How did you feel when I argued against you, when I defended Nene? Were you even more mad? Did you realize your wrongdoings, but decided that you had already went too far, so you had to continue playing the part of a monster? How did you feel?"

My hands begin to shake and tremble.

"I don't know," I whisper pathetically. "I don't know."

"Then what do you know?" Rui inquires next. "What do you know about yourself? What do you know about the words that I said to you?"

I glance up at Rui.

I don't recall Rui ever having pitch black eyes.

"'You don't have what it takes to become a star.'" Rui recites, grinning. There's no amusement or happiness or humour behind his smile. It's scary. Rui is scary. He's scaring me.

But his words seem to cut into my skin. Like the final nail in the coffin. 

It hurts.

His words hurt. A confirmation that I won't ever, ever be able to achieve everything that I wanted to. A final confirmation that no, I won't be able to do what I love for a living. I will forever be useless and fighting to obtain a future that I won't ever have.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

So much that I can't breathe.

That I can't get the words out. I can't speak, I can't inhale or exhale. My lungs pushed out all the air inside and won't intake any more.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe, I realize with a sharp gasp. I can't breathe.

Can I not breathe because of Rui's words? Or can I nor breathe because of the hands that are squeezing my neck, choking me with a firm, harsh grip that I can't seem to fight back against?

I feel dizzy. My vision is blurry. I need help.

Rui's muffled words reach my ears as the ringing in my ears grow louder and louder and louder.

"This is what you deserve," He tells me.

"This is what you deserve for being so horrible and selfish, Tsukasa. You know that too, don't you?"

My vision begins to fade to black. My body feels heavy and limp. 

"Trust me, you'll see." Rui whispers. His voice is a gentle and soothing contrast to his rough, tight hands squeezing my neck firmly.

"You'll see just how disgusting of a person you are soon."

He lets go.

My body falls to the floor.

The world goes dark.

And nobody cares.

Chapter Text

I'm cold.

..Really, really cold.

My eyes open, and I find myself alone. All alone, in a white void. My body is laying on the floor, breaths coming in and out slowly as I process my surroundings and my memories.

There's another gap. Another missing portion of my memories that I just can't seem to recall. Something about it just seems off.

Taking a final, deep and long breath, I sit up, rubbing my eyes. I feel lightheaded, but at the same time, my body doesn't hurt. Nothing does, in fact. It feels.. fuzzy.

Fuzzy, and strange. Fuzzy and weird. I can't seem to process any of this, I can't seem to wrap my head around any bit of this.

Where am I? What is this place? What happened before, how did I get here? Why am I here? How do I get out?

And more importantly.. what's going to happen to me now? Am I here for a reason? Is there a way to get out of this place, or am I going to be stuck in this weird white emptiness forever?

A way out, I think to myself. I should find a way to get out of this weird place.

I can't stay here for long, I know that. So I just need to find a way to escape. Then I can get back home, and I can get back to...

To...

..Strange.

What.. what was I even supposed to be doing again? I can't seem to recall.

Is there something that I need to get back to? Or can I just stay here forever? Can I finally just..

..Rest-?

But then, a memory comes back to me. The harsh, arrogant words of anger, filled with frustration and exhaustion.

("I wish you would just  LEAVE ME ALONE-!! ")

Those words.

Those words... that I said to someone.

Those words that I used to hurt the one person who was closest to me. Those words that...

That..

.

.

.

...Huh.

Something seems.. off. Weirdly off.

I stand up, dusting off my pants of any dirt. There seems to be a lot of it. Dried soup stains, bits of food and dirt..

I put a hand to my face, wiping off more grime from my cheek. I didn't know that I looked that bad. In fact, I didn't even realize that I had any dirt on me at all.

I wonder where all these stains and all the soot came from. Now I feel disgusting. I want to get myself clean.

I should... find a way back home.

Back home, so that I can clean myself. And so I can.. apologize to the people that i hurt.

That- I should do that, right? That's what I should be doing. I can't waste any more time, I need to get back home.

I begin to walk throughout the bright, empty void. There's no shadow following beneath me, and my footsteps make no noise. I even try to stomp down on the floor that isn't exactly a floor because there are no walls to this place and I can't tell what is really going on, but still- point is, when I stomp as hard as I can, there's no noise. No tremble. Just me.

Just me, alone, in a world without man.

Alone.

Didn't I want that in the first place? I wanted to be alone, and this is what happened to me as a result. And for some reason, despite my best wishes, I can't help but yearn for the company.

For someone to comfort me. Stand beside me, walking alongside me and holding my hand, as if guiding a lost child. If there was someone with me through all of this, I'm sure that things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. They would have gone smoother, better- we could've escaped that darkness, maybe we could have fought back against it as a whole, in fact.

But instead, I'm stuck here. And I'm alone.

If I wasn't alone, would I even be here? I bet that I wouldn't have. And yet, in the back of my mind, I think to myself: what if having someone here with me made everything worse instead? What if having company to guide and help me only made everything go even more downhill? If this was heaven, would I be in hell if someone was walking alongside me right now? Would one of us have gotten hurt? Would one of us have died?

When having thoughts like those, I can't help but think to myself that things really are better when nobody is with me. I would rather only have to deal with myself and my own issues and struggles rather than be presented with someone else's, as well. I would rather be alone and suffering than have someone see me like this.

I would rather be alone if the cost of company was being a burden.

Maybe it's for the better that nobody has to deal with me. Why should people stick by my side and help me when they have their own things to do? What's the point in helping someone that isn't even a good person? Why should someone help others at the expense of not being able to help yourself? Isn't that so weird?

Why do people do this? Why do humans think that it's okay to help others, but ignore your own problems? Why do people keep helping and helping, and yet, if someone tries to help them, they deny that help? What if the person wanting to help had the same flaw? Giving and giving and giving, yet never being selfish and taking.

Then there are the people like me. The people who keep taking and taking and taking, yet never being selfless and giving. Accepting help when none is needed, leeching off of other people's support and aid like a disgusting parasite, draining those around them and taking everything to keep for themselves.

You know, the people like me.

The selfish people who keep on hurting those around them with no hesitation nor any guilt or any regret.

Those people. the bad people.

The bad people like me. Who, despite finally wanting to be alone, selfishly cries and begs for company.

But company won't come. Company will never come. Company hates miserable, selfish pricks like me.

Like Tenma Tsukasa.

Therefore, it would be better to just leave those selfish people alone.

It would just be better to leave people like me alone. Leave people like Tenma Tsukasa alone. It would be better for everyone.

See? Nobody has to panic and squabble over where we are and whose fault it was that we ended up in a place like like. Nobody has to mourn the death of another, nobody has to fix an injured arm or neck or cut.

It's better. For the world, for me.

It's better that I'm alone. It's better for everyone that I get to suffer and feel all this pain and confusion and torment and hurt. Because other people won't be.

I can find a way to deal with this on my own. I can find a way to get out of this weird place all on my own, too. i don't need anybody to help me.

I don't need help from Saki. Nor do I need help from Emu, or Nene, or Rui. I don't need help from my friends, my teachers, my family. I don't need help from anybody at all. I can help myself, i can do this all by myself. I don't need anybody.

I never needed anybody. I never needed to take and take and take, because I could have just given all of that to myself on my own, anyway. I was just selfish and wanted other people to do all of the dirty, ugly work for me, because I was selfish.

But now, I'll be selfish. I'll be the one to suffer, I'll be the one to find my way out of this myself. Because I never needed any help. And I don't need it now. Nobody else can understand what's going on in someone else's mind, anyway. I can't understand others, and others can't understand me. Only I can understand what's going on in my own mind. Only I can find a way to locate the origins of these stupid, stupid, stupid feelings and find my way out of it.

Only I can get rid of the stupid mess in my brain and in my heart. This is something for me to deal with on my own.

So I walk alone. Because I am alone, and I want to be alone.

I want to be alone. I want to be alone. I want to be alone.

It's that easy. It's that easy for everyone. Would the world just be a better place if nobody had to care for each other? If everybody in the world was alone, would things be better? Would we not have to worry about war, and death, and famine and plague and suffering, all because there is nobody in the world except ourselves?

Would things be better then? Would they?

I can't help but wonder to myself, and ponder the question I had imposed.

...

Funnily enough, I can't seem to find an answer for my own question, either. It just goes to prove how dumb and idiotic and selfish and horrible and stupid I really am.

Something feels off. I ignore the feeling, continuing to walk around. there's no end to this boring white void in sight. Wherever I go, it's all the same. I can't even begin to retrace my steps, because there was never any clue that I went wherever I did in the first place. And there's no reason at all to go back there, anyway, since there was nothing of note that I saw where I woke up.

It's all just empty. Empty and white. Empty and void.

Empty and alone, alone, alone, alone, alone.

The more I think about me being alone, the tighter my chest begins to squeeze for some strange reason. I feel as though this shouldn't be affecting me all that much, but it is. It makes me feel weird, it makes everything harder to breathe, it makes me feel something that I can't even begin to decipher, and it's the entire reason that I ended up here in the first place.

All because I had this feeling that I couldn't shake off from the moment I opened my eyes that morning.

All because someone tried to help me, and I denied, and I yelled. Yelled at her to be alone.

All because of my selfish wants and wishes. And now I'm paying the price, and all of the non existent people in the non existent world are all laughing at me and my abject misery.

What fun. I hope they find this fun. I hope they think that seeing me cry and suffer and beg for help is funny. I hope they enjoy it. I hope they enjoy this pathetic show.

Or maybe it's just boring to them. Maybe they'll boo and throw tomatoes at the stage and laugh at me and then leave. Maybe they won't even care to watch the downfall of a savage, arrogant monster.

I sure wouldn't. Nobody wants to give an attention seeker all the attention in their last moments. After all, it would just hurt more if they died alone, abandoned and starving on the streets.

It would be so much better that way, wouldn't it?

Something like that deserves to happen to me.

In the distance, I catch sight of a familiar structure.

A city, shrouded in an inky, pitch-black darkness. As if a blanket of shadows was draped over the world, enveloping the lonely, abandoned city in an ominous fog that swallowed everything near it whole, until everything was apart of it. Until everything was apart of the vicious, murky gloom.

I walk towards the mass of black void slowly, noticing the dark cracks on the floor with each step forwards I make.

There is no whispering in my ear as I advance towards the darkness. No overlapping cacophony of irritating voices. All there is with me is my own mind.

My own fogged over and distant mind, wondering why I ran away from the shadows in the first place.

My own twisted, demented brain, asking myself, What reason is there to keep running anymore? It will only catch up with us in the end, after all.

There's no point to keep running. Isn't it so tiring?

Don't you just want to get back in bed and rest all day and night? Why can't we do that? Why can't we just....

Give.. in..?

I have a point, I realize solemnly.

There's nothing left for me. There's no reason for me to be here.

There's no reason for me to keep running from the shadows if all it does in the end is follow. There's no point in trying to outrun something that is faster than you, something that will catch up eventually, no matter how hard you try.

There's no point in trying.

No point in running.

No point in fighting.

My heart feels heavy and my mind feels numb at the realization. The shadows seeping through the cracks pulse and sway, the dark void in front of me growing closer and closer.

Why should I fight? Tell me, now.

Why should I go on? What reason is there for someone like me to be here if all I do is hurt others?

Why should I be here?

Why should I be living?

Tell me, if you think you're so smart.

Why should someone like me be alive?

Why should a selfish, arrogant beast get the chance to live while so many kind, selfless and innocent people die and get killed and commit suicide and meet their demises day by day by day?

Why should I be spared from that? Why should I get to live while everyone else around me dies?

Tell me.

Tell me, please. Tell me. Tell me why I am still living. Tell me why I am still here.

Tell me why I only hurt myself.

Tell me why I only hurt others.

Tell me why all I do ends up in getting people hurt, whether it's my friends, or my family, or myself.

Tell me why I'm such a failure.

Tell me why I'm not smart.

Tell me why I'm so talentless.

Tell me why people snicker and whisper and talk behind my back, calling me a freak and a weirdo and a loser who just can't do anything right.

Tell me why I'm too loud.

Tell me why I'm too arrogant.

Tell me why I'm too egotistical.

Tell me why nobody likes me.

Tell me why, for god's sake.

Why can't you tell me? I'm not dense. Don't try and fool me. I know the truth. I want it from you.

Just tell me you think I'm not perfect.

Just tell me you think I'm not good enough.

Tell me.

Tell me, Saki.

Tell me that you think your older brother is a horrible brother. Tell me that he failed you and never truly made you smile. Tell me that his shows were dumb and shallow and boring.

Tell me, Emu.

Tell me that you think your friend is a horrible friend. Tell me that he hurt you. Tell me that he failed to truly save what mattered to you most. Tell me that he was never truly welcomed as a troupe member.

Tell me, Nene.

Tell me that you think your troupe leader is a selfish person. Tell me that he hurt your feelings and pushed you down. Tell me that you're scared, tell me that you're terrified that he just might lash out at you again.

Tell me, Rui.

Tell me that you think your classmate is a disgusting person. Tell me that he's loud and annoying and only draws unwanted attention. Tell me that he's stupid and dumb and not smart enough to understand even the most basic of social cues. Tell me that he doesn't have the chance to become a star. Tell me that he never, ever will.

Because I know. I know the truth. I know what they all really think of me.

I bet that they think I'm horrible and selfish and shitty and disgusting. I bet they think I'm a brat. I bet they hate me.

I bet that everyone hates me. I bet that they don't think that I deserve to live.

I bet they're happy now.

Happy that I'm gone. I bet that they're all so ecstatic that I'm finally out of their lives.

I bet...

I bet that..

That they're..

...

..happy...

Ah..

Why..?

Why..? Why does my.. chest hurt like this?

Why am I..

..Am I crying..?

No, I..

I shouldn't be crying. I don't deserve to be crying. Why should I cry? All of them hate me anyways. There's no reason for me to cry. I should..

I should.. be happy, too. I should be glad.. glad that they're gone. I shouldn't be crying, I should.. be happy. Be happy, because all of them are..

happy...

..

..

..

.

.

.

..without me...

But.. why?

Why am I alone?

Why do they hate me so much?

It's... it's not fair.

It's not fair that they get to be so happy without me like that. I want to be happy, too.

I just want to be happy, too. So why can't I have that? Why can't I be happy like them?

Why can't they be happy with me?

Why...

Why do I have to be suffering?

What did I do? Why can't I fix things anymore? Why can't I go back? Why can't I be happy, too, just like everyone else is?

Why can't I find my happiness?

Why do I have to be the one to suffer just so others can find their own happiness?

Am I really alone..?

Do I really have nobody to make me happy?

Do I really.. have to suffer?

A quiet, almost silent sob escapes my lips. I bring a trembling hand towards my lips, sniffing and trying to rub my eyes.

My knees feel wobbly and weak. I fall to the ground, curling up into a ball.

Stop.

Stop, stop, stop...!

Stop crying! Stop being so stupid and dumb...!

Get up.. get up, get up, get up! Why can't I get up?! What's wrong with me?!

The darkness from the cracks underneath me slowly begin to spread, stretching outwards and reaching towards me like a warm, welcoming hand.

It's okay, The darkness reassure me, voice calm and soothing, like a cool, gentle breeze on a warm summer day. We will help you.

You do not have to suffer anymore.

Come here.

Come with us.

Come into our arms. Join us in our lovely corpse dance.

We can dance here and be happy forever.

It sounds nice.

It sounds... so nice.

I want..

I want it.

I want to give up. I want to give in. I want to join it.

I'm ready.

I'm finally ready.

I wipe the tears from my eyes, turning over and laying on my back, trembling breaths and numb sobs escaping my lips. My body feels weird and tingly.

The big, dark void stretches itself out, dark shadows creeping towards me slowly.

Feebly, I reach back out to it as well.

Weak.

Numb.

Tired.

I... want this.

I want to do this.

I want to give up.

I want to give in.

The darkness surrounds me carefully. Long, shadowy tendrils wrap around my arms, gently tugging me towards the void.

I let it.

I let it take me.

I let myself give in.

I'm tired.

I'm so, so, so tired.

I just want to give up.

I just want to give in.

The tendrils attach themselves to my body, long, snake-like figures cloaking my limbs in complete darkness. It feels like a warm blanket. A warm drink running down my throat on a freezing, snowy winter day. A soft, harmonic lullaby, gently guiding me to close my eyes..

And take.. a deep breath..

And let myself be carried away.

Let myself... give up.

Let the dark shadows envelop me whole, sinking into a pitch black void of nothing but dark, empty, numb.

Ahh..

I'm so tired..

I just want to sleep.

——

What does it mean to be.. angry?

Or sad? Or.. depressed?

Because I wouldn't know.

But what does it mean to be frustrated? To grieve? To be in denial, to bargain, to spiral downwards into what could easily be called the darkest moments of your life?

What does it mean when you have a feeling in your chest that you just can't shake off?

What does it mean when you try so hard to ignore the feeling, but in the end, you come right back to it? Or it comes right back to you in full force?

What do you do when you can't ignore that feeling anymore? What do you do when you're forced to confront your own feelings, and yet you cannot place what exactly those feelings even are? What do you do when you push everyone you know away until you're forced to be alone?

What do you do when you mess up?

What do you do when you're alone?

What do you do when you feel lonely?

Do you run from it? Do you distract yourself? Do you try to avoid it? Do you try and find happiness? Do you try and find why you feel it?

But in all those scenarios, there is one thing in common.

It will catch up to you.

Those feelings, those muddled and blended emotions in your chest, in your mind and in your heart, whether it's sadness, or grief, or anger or loneliness or frustration or despair, all of it will catch up to you eventually.

Whether you want it to, or not.

It will come back for you.

It will always be there. It will never, ever leave. No matter how much you run, no matter how far or how long you run. You will always feel it. Those emotions will always be there to torment you in the back of your mind.

Until one day, it bursts. One day, you can't hide those feelings anymore. You can't repress them, you can't shove them down into a jar and expect it to stay there.

Because those feelings grow.

Like a bursting dam. Like a shattering jar. Flooding the forest with water, cutting the skin with sharp pieces of glass.

It will grow, and grow, and grow, until you can't ignore it anymore. Until you can't run from it anymore.

It will catch up.

And it will ruin your life.

Glass child.

Glass child.

What does it mean?

A glass child.

A glass child refers to a child whose emotional and relational needs become invisible when another sibling or family member requires intensive care.

A glass child is called a 'glass child' due to glass being invisible, see through; only seeing the sick little sibling, the older sibling struggling with addiction, the depressed middle child who's only trying their best.

They favour the child with the complex needs. And see right through the other.

So the glass child adapts.

The glass child learns to be responsible. Learns to be mature, kind, helpful. Doing their best for the family. Learning to cook and clean for themselves, doing house chores and studying hard, making sure to not put any more stress on their parents.

The glass child is empathetic. The glass child learns and knows to care. The glass child makes sure that they are okay. That their family member is okay. That they won't ever have to ask for help and waste their parents time when they could be taking care of the family member who surely needs it more than them.

The glass child is often neglected.

The glass child is often mature.

The glass child is often closed.

The glass child is often caring.

The glass child wakes up in a dark house, alone and afraid.

The glass child inhales sharply, looking down at their small, soft and round hands. The hands of a small child. A small, invisible child who does not need to be seen.

The glass child looks around, scanning their surroundings. The dark house is empty and quiet. Particles of dust float in the air. In the living room and bedroom, pieces of cardboard and craft materials and props and storybooks are scattered across the floor.

The glass child frowns.

The glass child decides to clean.

The glass child...

The glass child.

The eyes of the glass child. The first person view of someone who is not meant to be seen. Who does not matter to the world, for there are people who deserve the attention more than them.

More than me.

Right.

This is not a glass child.

This is me.

Me. Tsukasa Tenma.

I just woke up from a nap. I feel pretty good, at I'd like to think so.

The house is a bit dark, but I'm not afraid. I'm a big kid, after all. Why would I be afraid of the dark? The dark is fine.

I should get to cleaning now.

I pick up the extra pieces of cardboard first. I can always use them for later. Then, I make my way around the house in order to collect all the other cardboard props. I bring all the props I can find into my room, laying them down on the floor to sort out soon. I pick up the books, humming curiously as I read the titles and pages of familiar stories that fill me with nostalgia.

I look back down at the floor.

All that's left is all the cardboard props. I just have to put these away, and then the entire house will be clean! I didn't realize that I took a nap for so long, anyway. I should have set a timer!

If my parents will be home soon...

.

.

.

For a moment, I pause.

Something doesn't feel right..

..But that's probably just my mind playing tricks on me, right? Why wouldn't something be right? There's no reason for things to be wrong, right?!

..

..

..Yeah, of course.

Of.. of course!

If my parents are gonna be home, soon, I should probably cook food, too. We ran out of leftovers when I ate the rest for lunch, so it'd be best if I made something again. But not what I made last time, because that didn't end very well. It tasted really bad. Ew!

I gather the props, quickly shoving all of them into their designated areas (that I made up on the spot! I'm really smart, aren't I?!) before rushing down to the kitchen.

I can't exactly reach all the shelves- and in fact, I can barely reach the stove. Last time, I had to use those stepping stools! Maybe that's why the food didn't end up as well.. but one day, I bet that I'll be a better cook! When I can reach the top of the stove better, I swear that I'll do it! I'll get so much better when I'm older...!

When I'm...

...

..

.

...?-

Ring

ring

ring

ring

A sudden, familiar ringing resounds throughout the empty house, cutting through the silence. I grin widely, wasting no time in eagerly sprinting towards the phone. It's probably mom! She's gonna tell me that she's coming home soon, and so is dad, and that I don't need to cook because dad is going to buy dinner and then we can all eat together, and I won't be lonely again, and I-!

Ring

ring

rin-

"Hello? Tenma household!"

..

Tsukasa hasn't gotten up all day..

.

"Hi, mom..!"

..

Nothing's worked? He still won't wake up..?

.

"..Eh? You won't.."

..

I can try calling our parents.. do you think they could help?

.

"Then.. what about dad..?

..

Okay! If he wakes up, I'll make him a drink!

.

"O-oh.."

..

I can join you. Do you have any tea in the kitchen-?

.

"No! It's.. it's okay, mom! I'll be fine!"

..

He likes hot chocolate!

.

"I'm sure!! I can take care of myself just fine, don't worry!!"

"I'm.. I'm a star, after all!"

..

We'll get it out. Go call his parents, Saki.

.

"Okay.. bye, mom..!"

..

.

I hope he's okay...

.

.

click

She hangs up the phone.

The house is filled with silence again.

Silence.

Silence, and I am...

...

..

.

Alone.

My hands reach upwards to my face, the phone falling to the floor with a clatter that echoes across the vast space.

My face is wet.

When did I start..?

Ah..

No, no. I shouldn't be crying like this. This is selfish of me. I shouldn't be selfish. I shouldn't cry, it's not like this affects me all that much..!

This is normal! This happens almost every day! So why am I crying now..?! Why?! Make it stop..!

I have to stop crying! Why am I crying? This isn't fair! None of this is!

I drop down to my knees, sobbing and wiping desperately at my face to try and stop the tears from pouring out my eyes like a leaking faucet.

Stop crying, I tell myself. Stop crying! You have no right to cry! You have no reason to cry!

But I'm still crying.

Why, why, why?!

I just...

I just-!

I just don't want to be alone..

I don't.. I just don't want to be alone!

That's it! That's all! That's all I want..!

I don't want to be alone!

I want my mom! And I want my dad! I want them here, here, right now, with me!

I want.. I want comfort!

I want to be hugged and coddled and cared for! I want that! I see all those kids with their parents and siblings all happy and playing, but I can't have that! Because Saki is in the hospital, mom is taking care of her, and dad is always so busy! It's not fair..!

It's not! It's not fair! Why can't I have that, too?! What did I do?! Why am I not like that?! Why are they never home for me...?!

My breath hitches as I let out another sob.

This feeling... it hurts.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!

My chest! My head! It all hurts! It hurts so much, I can't think properly, I can't breathe properly! My vision is blurry and my body feels heavy and numb and I'm crying but I can't get the words out..!

I want to say it. I want to say it, I want to accept it, but I can't. I just can't...

The world around me fades into darkness. An inky shadow creels along the walls, enveloping my surroundings in a mere instant until I find myself stuck in an empty, black void.

My breath hitches for a second as I gasp, looking around in fear.

..What is this..?

I don't like this. I don't like this, what happened..?

I wipe my eyes, sniffing. My hands..

Long. Slim.

I don't like my hands.

I don't think I ever did. They always looked weird to me. When compared to other hands, mine always looked so strange.

Rui's hands are rough and calloused, but it gives him character. Toya's are elegant and smooth, and Akito's, despite the few blisters, are also nice and well shaped. Saki's hands are like mom's. Emu's are small, but soft and nice. Nene's are the same, but they dry out frequently. She puts on hand cream often.

They're all so much better.

So much better.

So much better than mine.

So much better than me.

Why..

Why is everyone always so much better than me?

Why can Emu do cool acrobatics and gymnastics? Why is she so strong and cute and joyful?

Why can Nene sing so well? Why is she so graceful and pretty, like a songbird- a canary?

Why can Rui build things? Why is he so smart and gentle and caring despite his hardships?

Why can Saki play the piano? Why is she so determined and uplifting and motivating, doing her best despite everything she's been through?

Why can't I do that? Why am I not anything they are?

Why..?

My heart pounds painfully, a sob escaping my lips as I cover my eyes, lying on the cold floor, covered in shadows and darkness and nothing at all.

Am I not good enough...?

Am I just not good enough?

Is that the problem? Is it because I'm not enough for any of them?

Is it because I'm not as good at acting as everyone else? Is it because I'm not as happy like Emu, is it because I can't sing as well as Nene can? It is because I can't build robots like Rui? Is it because I can't play the piano as well as Saki can anymore? Is it because I'm not attractive? Not smart? Not good enough...?

Why am I not good enough..?

I'm trying my best.
I am.
I really am.

I'm trying the hardest that I can. I study, and I practice and I do everything that I can to get better. But none of it is working. None of my work is paying off. I try, but nothing happens. Nothing changes, about me, about anything.

I still get the same criticism. I still end up with the same grades. I still make the same mistakes.

No matter how hard I try.

I can't get better.

I can't get better at anything. I can't do anything. I'm worthless.. I'm useless! Everyone would just be better without me...

The darkness swells around me as my own self hatred festers and grows, as if leeching and feeding off of my sadness.

Is sadness even what I'm feeling right now..?

Hah..

After everything, I still couldn't find the right words.

I still couldn't do anything. I still can't.

Nothing changed.

I'm right back to where I started.

Wondering.

What does it mean to be angry?

Or sad? Or depressed?

What does it mean to grieve?

What does it mean to be in denial?
Anger?
Bargaining?
Depression?
What does it mean to have acceptance?

What does it mean to grieve?

What does it mean when all these pent up, negative feelings bite back and swallow you whole?

What does it mean when you cry?

When you cry over a past that you thought you moved past?

When you cry over the fear of hatred, being hatred?

When you cry over a bad grade despite studying so hard?

When you cry over a few mistakes?

When you cry over a few words?

When you cry over a few thoughts?

Why does it feel like you're mourning a loss?

Why does it feel like you're placing a flower atop a gravestone with your own name on it?

Here lies the pride and happiness of Tenma Tsukasa.
A horrible brother.
A horrible friend.
A selfish person.
A disgusting person.

A dumb, stupid idiot.
A mediocre actor.
A boy who was never enough for any of the amazing, stunning, talented people around him.

A body who, compared to everyone else, was a single drop in the sea.

A droplet of water in a puddle to be stepped on. Forgotten. Dry.

What does any of it mean?

What am I grieving over?

Am I grieving because I don't know?

Is this even grief?

Do these feelings have a name?

Are these feelings supposed to have a name..?

....Ahh..

I guess I wouldn't know, after all. I'm stupid, aren't I?

It's not like it matters.

None of it does.

There's no point.

I feel like I'm sinking.

Sinking into a hole. A sandpit. A sea.

Never to be found again.

Forgotten.

I don't mind.

I don't mind at all, in fact.

I'm tired.

I'm so tired.

So, so tired.

At this point, I'd rather just.. disappear..

.

.

.

.

Big bro! Do you remember this story?

I don't wanna throw it out.. it has so much memories..!

Oh! What if we read it one last time, then? Together!

Yay!  You're the best brother ever !

.

.

My mom and dad are on the way!

.

.

...?

Huh..?

My eyes widen.

What..?

Where did that memory.. come from?

That was.. Saki.

Saki, Saki, Saki.

That was Saki.

She..

She called me-

The best.. brother.

'The best brother ever.'

The best.

...The best.

That.. that can't be true, right..? It can't be, she doesn't really mean that-

.

.

Tsukasa-kun! My gummy bears!

No!! I think I left them at home!! I wanted to bring some for us to share, too..

H-hwehhh?! Wait, really?! You don't have to!!!

Ah... okay, then!! Operation: Wonderhoy Snack Time is back on!!

You're the most wonderhoy friend ever, Tsukasa-kun! The most bestest and greatest!

.

I have the hot chocolate!!!

.

'The most bestest and greatest'.

A gasp.

What's... what is this?

In front of me, reaching out. A gentle speck of light, a star shining amongst the void of darkness attempting to swallow me whole.

The heavy weight on my body doesn't stop my arm from reaching out.

.

.

.

.

Oh..

Geh, you... it's nothing.

Just forgot my lu- wh- huh?!

You- no! That's your food, idiot! Go eat it yourself!

N-no, I'll be fine, you don't need to give me your food..

....Agh, fine. I'm only taking half though... you have to eat, too.

Huh.. well, you really are a selfless person. Not exactly a bad thing, either.. mm. This is good.

.

.

Be careful, Emu- oh.. is that the door?

.

.

Selfless.

A selfless person.

The star shines brighter, and my hand reaches out, desperate to take the fleeting glint of hope.

Isn't it so ironic? Even when wanting to die, you'll find yourself wanting to live more than anything in your last moments. What a strange phenomenon.

But..

I need it. I do need it.

I need it so bad.

The darkness tries to push me back down.

I persist.

I have to.

I want... I want to hear more.

.

.

What's on my mind? Well, wasn't I just asking about you?

Fufu.. you really do know everything about me, don'r you? I was just thinking.

Not much. Mostly about how much has changed..

Why, of course. To think that if it weren't for you, it was most likely that I still would've been alone.

Mhmm. You know.. you mean a lot more to me than you think. You mean a lot more to everyone than you think.

Yup! Why, is that so hard to believe?

You truly are a wonderful person, Tsukasa-kun. I have full faith in your abilities.

.

They're here- oh! Mrs. Tenma, Mr. Tenma. Pleasure to meet you two again, fufu~!

.

I can't help but smile.

I remember that memory.

That memory..

Wonderful.

Rui called me wonderful. A wonderful person.

He had been asking about me. And I thought that.. something was off.

So I asked about him.

And that was what he said.

The star feels even closer now.

I can touch it. I can reach it. I know I can. I know I can, I just know it. I have to.

A warm feeling envelops my body as I continue pushing through the tight hold of the shadows beneath me. It makes my body feel light, it makes my chest loosen and it calms the pain in my heart.

I don't want to... be there.

I don't want to give up anymore.

I want to touch that light. I want it. I want it, I need it, I don't care if it's fake.

I need something. Anything.

I'll say it, I'll say it a thousands times over if I have to.

I need help.

I said it. I said it.

I need help.

I need help, I need help, I need help.

I need someone here with me.

I need someone here to comfort me. To help me.

I can't do this alone.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for yelling, I'm sorry for being rude. I'm sorry for everything I ever did.

I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry.

But I need help.

I need help. Please.

The star comes even closer. The bright light begins to contrast against the shadows, dispelling the grief and sadness and despair and frustration.

For a moment, just this moment- there's hope.

There's a light.

There's a sign. That I'm not alone.

That I don't have to be alone.

That I'm not hated. That my efforts really are doing something. That everything won't be in vain.

A sign that maybe, just maybe, I can get through this.

I can have someone walk alongside me.

I can have someone with me. Helping me. Guiding me.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

I don't want to be alone anymore! I don't want to!

So please...

Please...

PLEASE-!!!

"Tsukasa, honey.."

"Are you there.."

"Mmhh.."

"Ah.. there we go."

A warm, smiling expression.

A gentle hand cups my face. My eyes slowly open, tired and dreary. "Mghh.. wha's..?"

My mother lets out a soft chuckle. She waves at me, and I take notice of the many relieved faces staring down at me.

"Did you have a good sleep, Tsukasa?"

Chapter Text

This is really embarrassing. Like super duper embarrassing. I never expected things to end up this bad.

I didn't.. think that things would end up this way, like this.

Sitting down on the couch, Saki's fuzzy blanket is wrapped around me. A steaming mug filled with hot chocolate is cupped in my hands, and not only my sister, but my entire troupe and my parents are all surrounding me.

I can't bring myself to look at them in the eyes.

The TV is playing some sort of cartoon in the background. It's kid- friendly and light hearted, but I can't help but feel bad while looking at it.

Even if there's so many people surrounding me...

I don't think I've ever felt so alone. 

For some reason, something about this situation makes everything feel so much more different, so much more terrifying. It scares me.

I don't like how everyone is looking at me as if I'm some fragile piece of glass that will break at the slightest touch. I hate how they look at me as if I'm something that needs intensive care, something that needs to be looked after.

I know I wanted help. I know I asked for it. But.. this is so much more horrifying than I thought it would be. Since when was asking for help so hard? When did it become so difficult to voice my own needs and wants?

I know it. I know it and I acknowledge it, but I just can't seem to get the words out. Part of me still feels like everyone shouldn't be here, they shouldn't be with me, I'm just weighing them down, they're all so tired of me, they...

..

My breath hitches. I don't want to let myself spiral out again. I can't... I can't let that happen.

My mother sits next to me, her arm wrapped around my shoulder. "How do you feel, honey?" She asks carefully.

It feels so weird. Unusual, foreign. I've never had anything like this happen before. I've never needed anyone to coddle me like this before, it just feels so wrong.

She left work to be here. Both my parents did.

Saki skipped practice to stay with me. 

"I didn't want to leave you alone," She'd explained to me, "So I texted the others that I would be skipping. I practiced a bit on my own, though, so you don't need to worry, big bro!"

But I do. I can't help but worry. Saki skipped practice because of me. It isn't fair. She didn't have to do that.

It's the same thing for the rest of the troupe, too. Emu, Nene, and Rui don't need me there to practice with them, even though I'm the leader. They can do just fine on their own. But Saki soon told me that she decided to text them, and they all came.

They intend to stay, too. They all asked to stay over for the night. So now we're having an awkward sleepover.

It's not like I really need any more sleep, though. Apparently I was asleep for almost the entire day. It feels so wrong. 

This has never happened before. I can't understand it, I can't understand the way I feel. I don't like how this pain in my hard and compression in my chest has no name. I want to explain it, but I can't even put it into words.

After all this time, after everything, I still can't figure it out. And even if I know what I need and want, I still can't help but feel ashamed about it. It doesn't feel fair at all.

This isn't something that I can just easily get rid of, is it? It's something that will take time. Something that will fluctuate, go away and then come back. I'll never be able to find a proper way to explain it.

The realization only makes me feel worse about everything. Everything around me, and everything about myself.

"Tsukasa?"

My mom rubs circles on my back gently. "Are you alright..? You've barely spoken to us."

I can't bear to look at my mother in the eyes. I can't stand that look of worry that will be on her face, an expression she would always give to a young child in the hospital, and never her lonely son all alone in a dark and empty home.

Rui leans against the couch, looming over me. "Tsukasa-kun," He pipes up softly, placing a hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to speak if you don't want to. You can just nod and shake your head, if you'd like."

He pauses.

"Is that alright with you, my star?"

My star.

His words make me feel weak.

I nod, my movements slow. Nothing will come out of my mouth, even if I tried my hardest.  I my heart hurts, I can't speak. I feel so weak and faint and it's just destroying me from the inside out.

I tug on the blanket. Saki pats the fuzz wrapped around me, humming. "That's fine with us," She says. "Whatever makes you feel comfortable."

I hate how they have to adjust everything just so they can work with me. Just so that they can meet my needs. I hate that.

"Are you feeling alright now, Tsukasa?" Nene pipes up, looking at me. She's sitting on the floor, between Emu's legs. Emu is seated beside Saki on the couch, playing with the hair of the troupe's diva.

Am I feeling alright? Isn't that such a question to ask? How do they expect me to know? Am I even supposed to know? When other people are asked questions like this, do they know right away? Or are they just as lost as I am, unable to explain the muddled, scattered emotions in their heart and mind?

In the end, I let out a weak shrug.

"That's fine." Nene stares at me, nodding. "That's fair."

Rui nods in agreement. "You don't have to know how you're feeling, Tsukasa. Sometimes, there really isn't a proper way to explain it, and that's completely fine."

My father sits on the arms of the couch, swaying from side to side. "He's right, son. You don't have to know it right away- in fact, you don't have to know it at all. Acknowledging it is more than enough."

But I have acknowledged it.

I know that I feel this way. But where am I supposed to go from here? What do I do now that I'm aware of the ache in my chest? How do I get rid of it? Do I find what caused it? Am I supposed to just expect this feeling to go away one day, as if it was never there in the first place?

"Tsukasa-kun," Emu pipes up. She leans over Saki, smiling. "Do you know why Nene-chan is so shy?"

"Wh- Emu?"

I look over at Emu, confused. What reason was there to ask that?

"W-well," Emu pauses for a moment, pondering her words before piping up once more. "It's just that- Rui-kun mentioned how Nene was always kinda shy! And maybe that thing back in junior high made things worse, but there's no proper way of saying why she's quiet sometimes! Right?"

I nod slowly. Well... yeah. that's just a personality trait.

"And Rui-kun, too! He's all smart and waaah and phweeee and bwashaaamm!!! He can build super wonderhoy things and he can do a toonnnnn of stuff, too!" Emu continues on. "And maybe other people didn't like that very much... and maybe his parents influenced his hobbies and skills, but there's no explanation for why he's the way he is! He's just Rui-kun! And that's okay! Right?"

Rui chuckles, tilting his head to the side in curiosity, and I nod again. I don't know what Emu is getting at.

And still, Emu continues to rant on. "And sometimes.. you can feel things, and you won't know why! You could be, uh.. ooh! You can be nervous for a presentation sometimes! And you know you practiced super duper hard, and you know you're a good speaker, but you still feel all ba-dump ba-dump and uuuuueeeeeeeee and peeeww and doki doki, and you don't know why! You're still nervous, right?"

She pauses, waiting for me to nod again before adding on. "Exactly! You just feel that way! And whether you know why or not, and whether you get over that fear or not, sometimes you feel that way still! Even if you're a good speaker, you still get nervous! Even if it's something that happened suuppeerr duper long ago, you can still feel sad about it even now! I know I do.."

Emu looks to the side for a split moment, then turns to face me once more. "BUT!! My genius point is: if you're sad, Tsukasa-kun, and if you're angry, and if you're a weird mix of that or something you can't explain, it's okay! It's fine to feel that way! Sometimes... sometimes, I get all bweehhh in the mornings, too. Because I remember Grandpa, and I remember how he's not here, and it makes me feel all sad... and I wonder why I still feel that way even though it's been years, and even though I know he wouldn't want me feeling all womp womp over it, but I feel that way anyways! And it's not wonderhoy at all!"

My eyes soften, worried. Why is Emu telling me this?

"But, you wanna know what makes me feel better whenever I feel that way?" Emu leans closer, her smile growing.

I nod.

"It's because I have my family with me."

...Oh.

"It's cause I have Shosuke, and Keisuke, and Hinata, and whenever they find me sad in my room, Hinata will bake me super wonderhoy yummy snacks, and Keisuke will help encourage me, and Shosuke- he- he does things, too! Point is, I have my sister and brothers to help me! And you do, too, Tsukasa-kun! You have all of us with you, even if you don't want it! Because no matter what, you're never, ever, ever, ever, ever getting rid of any of us!"

Rui laughs softly, nodding along with Emu's words. "That's exactly it, Emu." He pipes up, "Whenever I feel down and remember things I'd rather not recall, all of you come to help me no matter what. Remember that time when we were in America, and we saw those teens?"

I nod weakly. Why is everyone..?

"For the rest of the day, I felt terrible. I felt sorry that I couldn't help, and it made me remember what happened to me in my past.. and it hurt. It hurt a lot, remembering what happened to me, even if things are better now. But you were the one who caught on right away, Tsukasa. Do you remember that? You insisted that we all went out for dinner, and you orchestrated that improv play with Emu and Nene to make me feel better. You even got Keisuke and Shosuke in on it, too. You did everything in your power to make me feel better, and I want to do the same for you. We all do."

Nene hums. "You don't have to deal with everything alone, Tsukasa," She assures. She scoots closer, taking my hand and patting it awkwardly. "You're... you- you matter. And we all care about you. And even if you don't think so, you've done a lot for us. So.. let us repay you, Tsukasa."

I grasp at my chest. It hurts so much now. Why is everyone telling me this? What does it mean? Why do they want to help me so bad?

"Even if you can't get the words out, it's okay." Saki giggles, "We're all going around in circles anyway, aren't we? It's completely fine if you have these off days. Everyone feels bad sometimes, it's completely fine. But what matters is that you have people around you who are willing to stay by your side with every step of the way, no matter what. It's okay if you feel bad in the morning, it's okay if there's something in the day that happens that makes you feel super sad. Because you have us, big bro, and we'll help you through it."

My mother pulls me closer. My head rests on her shoulder, letting out a surprised gasp as she pats my hair gently.

This type of love...

Why does it feel so warm? Why does this feel so good?

I can't help but crave more of it. I can't help but want it so bad.

"I'm sorry, Tsukasa." My mother whispers. "I'm so sorry that dad and I weren't here to help you when you needed it. I'm sorry that we're not as close as you might want us to be."

My dad steps closer, nodding. He takes my hand, squeezing it gently. "We haven't done enough for you, Tsukasa," He tells me. "I know we weren't there for you when you needed it the most. But despite everything, please know that we care about you, truly. We love you just as much as Saki. We care about you so, so, so much.. so please. If there's anything troubling you, it's okay for you to let us know."

Oh...

What...

What is.. this?

Why does this feel so.. warm?

Saki leans in to hug me.

Rui does next. Then dad, then Nene, and Emu tops it all off with a big, strong bear hug with those little arms of hers. It's shocking.

They're all hugging me. They're all..

Here.

With me.

Breath hitching, I let out a sob.

This is so nice. This feels so warm.

I never want to let go.

They're here for me. All of them.

My mom, my dad, Saki, Emu, Nene. Rui.

All of them.

They're here. And they want to help me.

A small part of me wants to deny it. A tiny part of me shakes its head, saying that this type of love is selfish. That I don't need this.

But another part of me cries.

A young child, hidden deep in my heart, pushes forwards and accepts the embrace with open arms. 

This child calls out towards me, saying: See? It's okay! They care about us! We don't have to be alone again!

And I find myself nodding along with that child.

The tension in my body fades away as I melt into the warm, big cuddle.

I want to say something. One thing, at least.

I want to tell them. I want to tell everyone.

Slowly, I part my lips, inhaling deeply.

My voice is hoarse and quiet, raspy and barely above a whisper. But despite everything, I'm sure that everyone is able to hear the feeble, yet compassionate and genuine words I croak out amidst the tight hold.

"Thank you."