Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Silence ruled the loft, sharp as a guillotine blade.

Buck stood frozen for a moment, unable to move, unable even to breathe. The door had closed behind Eddie without a sound, but the snap still echoed in his chest like the beat of his broken heart.

His legs gave out beneath him, and he collapsed onto the couch, breath shallow.

His palms rubbed his still-wet eyes. He had no more tears to shed, no voice left to scream. He expected nothing from Eddie anymore, not as long as Eddie refused to open up to him, to trust him, and he was afraid the young man simply couldn’t do it.

He was going to have to keep going alone.

He gave himself a moment to pull himself together before going to bed. He needed to sleep between his endless shift and what Eddie had just told him, that he had died in that car, that Doug had succeeded in killing him, and it was going to be hard to accept.

Dr. Copeland wasn’t done seeing him in tears in his office.

He got up slowly, but the door creaked open, and Buck jumped. Eddie stood in the doorway, cheeks soaked with tears, but he didn’t seem to be crying anymore, and Buck didn’t dare breathe.

He had never seen Eddie like this.

“You’re right.” Eddie whispered. “I can’t keep running.”

Eddie’s voice was hoarse, ragged, no longer that of a confident man. Just a man, tired, broken, like he’d seen too much in too little time.

Honestly, he could barely stand.

“But I don’t know how… How to open up without pushing you away.”

Buck wanted to cry, his pain was so raw.

Eddie looked drained, his face drawn, shoulders slumped, eyes red. No longer the billionaire dom who had thrown him around in bed, expecting every order obeyed without question, every desire fulfilled.

No, he was just Eddie, the vulnerable man who had seen him die, and Buck couldn’t even imagine what he must have felt facing the thought of losing him. He was just the man trembling at the idea of losing him.

Eddie pointed at a chair and said nothing more.

Buck nodded and sat down. Eddie followed but stayed facing him. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, swallowed, and Buck gave him time. If Eddie wanted to finally open up, he wasn’t going to rush him.

He hoped with all his heart it wasn’t too late.

“You were dead.” he finally said, voice broken.

Buck felt his heart tighten as Eddie watched his fingers tear at his cuticles. His manicurist was going to hate him. He was sure Eddie had a manicurist, his hands were too beautiful, too soft, too perfect not to get special care.

Buck shook his head, he didn’t know why he thought of that at a time like this, but he had always done that: searching for lightness in moments too heavy not to collapse.

“When they found you…” Eddie continued. “You were dead.”

There was silence, and Buck did his best not to interrupt.

“As soon as I realized you were gone, I called Tommy, then Athena.” Eddie corrected himself. “We put Maddie somewhere safe, under close watch. I wanted to protect her because that’s what you would have wanted, me to protect her. It was all I could do.”

He paused, running a shaky hand over his face.

“Then Doug called. He knew… he knew about us. His voice… I’ll never forget it. He wanted Maddie to come with him. In exchange… he said you’d stay alive.”

Buck felt his stomach knot.

Doug had abandoned him long before that call, that was certain, and he was glad Eddie had protected Maddie. He was right, that’s what he would have asked if he’d been able to.

“I thought I could reason with him.” Eddie admitted. “I agreed to the meeting, prepared a large sum of money hoping he’d be for sale. Maddie… she pushed herself forward, refusing to be left out, and time was running out, so I took her with me. I just hoped he’d be stupid enough to keep you close. I purposely left the police out of it, but Athena is smart and she followed us with backup. And I know she wanted to save you, protect us, and I don’t blame her, but Doug felt trapped. He screamed, threatened Maddie, said he’d kill you if she didn’t go with him. She wanted to go, she was ready to sacrifice herself to save you.”

Eddie stood, unable to stay still.

Buck straightened, giving him time to release the flood of pain telling what had happened that night caused him.

“I refused.” he went on. “Because you’d have blamed me if I let her go with him. I wanted to be the man you deserved, not the one who folds before a monster.”

Buck gave him a weak smile because yeah, that’s what he would have wanted. Eddie stopped by the window, back to him.

“So Doug pulled his gun.” he continued. “He aimed at Maddie, screaming that if he couldn’t have her, then all three of you would die.”

He paused, as if gathering strength.

“The police shot first. He died and I… I collapsed because he was the only one who knew where you were.”

The silence that followed weighed like lead.

Buck closed his eyes in pain, his heart squeezed inside his chest. That was why he had slowly died. Doug had been dead for hours before they found him. They had just arrived in time to bring him back. They could have failed.

He could have died.

“I lost you that day.” Eddie said, turning toward him.

In his eyes shone a pain Buck had never seen before. Then he wiped his cheeks and closed his eyes a second to compose himself.

“I promised a reward. I called every contact I had. We searched every street, every corner.”

He took a deep breath as if to summon courage.

“And eighteen hours later, a young cop, Officer Williams, finally found you.”

Buck had stopped breathing.

“You were locked in the trunk of an abandoned car in a deserted warehouse. When they pulled you out, you weren’t breathing. When I arrived, he was doing CPR on you. You were lifeless, Evan, and I was powerless.”

His lips trembled.

“The paramedics took you away. You flatlined twice in the ambulance. I was there, talking to you, begging you. Stay. Stay, damn it. I can’t lose you, Evan.”

Buck closed his eyes.

He saw nothing. He heard nothing but Eddie’s voice. He felt his own tears roll down his cheeks in response to Eddie’s pain. He had lived a nightmare.

“Then you went into surgery. Your heart stopped again on the table but the doctors… they brought you back.”

He looked at his shaking hands.

“That day, I understood. I understood that all my money, all my power… it was useless. I was powerless to save you and I don’t know how to handle that. I don’t know how to live with this fear, of losing you, again.”

Buck stood.

He moved slowly and without a word, placed his hands on Eddie’s.

“But I’m here.” he whispered.

Eddie looked up at him.

“I’m alive. I fought to come back and I always will. You just have to… trust me. I love you, Eddie, and I’m sorry you hurt so much because of me, but let me help you.”

Eddie closed his eyes.

“You were dead.” he breathed, voice shaking. “In my nightmares, you’re there, dead, already cold, and him… He laughs and I just want to… kill him, stop hearing him, make him suffer like I suffer, but he just laughs, and I squeeze tighter and tighter to make him stop.”

A silent sob shook his shoulders.

Buck grabbed his hands in his and forced him back toward himself. Eddie lifted his tear-filled gaze to him and Buck forced a calming smile.

“I hold no grudge against you for what happened, it was a nightmare.” he assured him.

“I have them too and my therapist says it’s normal even if it’s scary.”

“Tell me about it!” he begged.

“Nothing new, I’m dying, alone in that trunk.” he sighed. “I know I’m going to die and I pray, I beg that Maddie will make it, that you’ll find your smile after… me.”

“Evan…”

“Just memories in the form of nightmares, Eddie.”

“It’s unfair, what he did to us, what he… I’ll never be able to make him pay.”

“What does it matter?” Buck breathed. “He’s dead, he can’t hurt us anymore.”

“I need it.”

“No, Eddie, you need help, or he’ll always be in your head laughing and hurting you and it’ll drive you crazy.”

“Help me.” he sobbed.

Buck pulled him into his arms and rocked him, letting him cry to release all that tension he seemed to have bottled up inside.

He was going to help him and they could finally build their relationship on a healthy foundation.