Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Keith wouldn't admit it, but he was tired. An unbelievable amount of exhaustion had been wavering over him since the morning. It lingered reasonably in the morning but seemed to draft over him heavily by the afternoon. 

He had no reason to not understand why he was tired. The answer was simple, really. He hadn't been sleeping. It was as plain as that.

He hadn't expected himself to fall in to a comfort of soft eye drifting and sleep the nights away, but he at least expected a few hours or two. And he did receive those few hours most nights. But now, he hadn't sleep at all in the past 48 hours.

Perhaps some of it was intentional. The nightmares were always there, but recently a bigger pain to deal with. It was just another problem to deal with, and it he could rid of it in any way possible, he was going to. If that meant never resting, so be it. But perhaps some of it wasn't his idea at all. His mind was on this merry-go-round of thoughts and emotions that seemed to be anything but merry. When silence covered the air like most nights had, the gears turned faster than ever before. He couldn't rest his mind and therefore couldn't rest his body.

So Keith gave up on sleep. If his body had decided he wasn't sleeping tonight then he wasn't sleeping tonight. His body had made terrible judgement the past two days. Keith had done nothing. He laid uncomfortably against the comfortable bed and stared blankly to the ceiling for hours. He somehow thought that if he stared long and hard enough then his mind would calm down and his eyes would droop. But they never did.

He couldn't tell if it was showing to the others. It could be in large manners or small details, Keith would never knew because he had stopped trying to read emotions ages ago. It deemed being too much trouble for him so he gave up on it.

But one thing was for sure, it would be popping up in training today. He knew where the line was taking him now and he blindly walked it, ignoring all signs that told him to hop off before the line snapped. He wouldn't be giving in that soon.

He tried snapping himself out of it with small things. Countless times he had brushed water against his skin not for the sake of cleanse but for the sake of sanity. He tried conversation starting that never really quite fit or stuck the right way. He found himself trying to peak his hunger but later discovered he was anything but hungry. His body had rejected the weird purple solids Hunk had prepared like a parasite, throwing it out of his body. He decided he would be trying a different approach. The smaller the better, right? He just needed to lighten his mind and start things up again.

"Lance," Keith had only started his sentence before Lance gently snapped his head to the other Paladin, raising his eyebrows innocently and gently and the group continued to walk towards the training room, "Are you eating blueberries?" Keith mustered.

This time felt genuine. He felt his old self breaching the surface for a gasp of breath had it been under too long. He cherished the feeling as he never knew when he'd get it back. Once Lance's face beamed to a smile it seemed to stay for a while.

"It's not blueberries, John Stamos." Lance smirked at him, "Hunk found them in some carts in the kitchen."

"They actually taste more like a citrusy banana in a cute little blue ball." Hunk leaned back to explain. He only seemed to add to Keith's now sudden happiness.

"Taste great! Here." Lance grabbed one from his small handful and placed it above his shoulder. He retracted a few times back and forth with raised brows, asking Keith for permission. Keith simply smiled and opened his mouth, leaning his head back. Lance threw the food perfectly in the air and much to Keith's surprise he caught it in his mouth, only having to tilt his head the slightest. Lance watched as he chewed cautiously on the food. His face scrunched up like a string and his lips puckered. This caused a laugh from Lance and a smile from Keith.

"That's sour," Keith mumbles loud enough, "and disgusting." He chuckles as he swallows.

"Like Lance." Pidge comments back.

"Uh!" Lance grabbed his chest, pretending to be shot painfully, "You wound me, dear Pidgeon." Pidge only responded with a smile and the casual shake of the head. Keith and Hunk found themselves smiling brighter with humor and satisfaction.

"Guys, we need to foc- Lance, why do you have blueberries?" Shiro turned around as they entered the training room, finally.

"It's not blueberries!" Lance says through a laugh and he throws the open hand up, still chewing from his last snack, "Why does everyone think they're blueberries?"

"Perhaps because they look like blueberries?" Pidge suggested with slight sarcasm in the tone.

"Oh, dear Pidgeon, you should know by now that nothing is ever as it seems." Lance smirks that all to familiar smirk. It's like his signature. That's when you know a conversation is over, when Lance is signing off.

"Put those away, we're starting training." Shiro demands lightly.

"I have no where to put them!" Lance exclaims with a hint if a chuckle.

"Then hurry up and eat them." Shiro rolls his eyes as a smile travels across his face.

“All of them?” Lance exclaims.

“Yup.” Shiro nods with a smile as he crosses his arms.

Lance groans with annoyance before an idea pops into his mind. He goes on to include Pidge and Hunk in a little game of catch. He spices things up by closing his eyes, doing it backwards, under his leg, after spinning in a circle, he turns it into this fun game that earns chuckles and smiles across the group. Even a few rare ones from Keith.

“Last one. Shiro?” Lance suggests with the same motion he urged Keith with, his arm retracted with the food in his hand, ready for liftoff.

“No thanks, Lance.” Shiro politely declines.

“What?! Why not?” Lance exclaims.

“I’m not taking part in your mess.” Shiro explains.

“God, Shiro. You’re so over dramatic.”

“Stop being so over dramatic, boy.”

Suddenly Keith can’t breathe. He hasn’t heard that voice in years and planned on keeping it that way. He had only recently, before the journey, gotten over it. He knew he was safe. He was millions of light years away from Earth, but why did it feel so real?

Any sound around him began to drown out. There was this soft ringing in his ears that drowned out any noise into a soft muffled whisper. Keith could feel his heart beat against his throat and it scared him. He couldn’t breathe. God, he couldn’t breathe.

He looked around at the dazed room and blankly became aware that the others were looking at him, concerned. Shiro opened his mouth and Keith knows he spoke, but he can’t hear him. Or perhaps he did hear him? He just couldn’t process anything other than the fact that he needed to breathe .

“Keith?” It’s touch that brings his senses back, or at least his auditory sense. Lance’s tan hand is placed on Keith’s shoulder in an unintentional grounding method. Keith looks from the hand to Lance and his furrowed brows. His gaze drops absently low.

“Coran. You need to get Coran. You just-“ He takes in a gasping breath, his body starting to heave, “Just get Coran.”

“What? Why? What’s going on, Keith?” Shiro insisted. He stayed where he originally was, too afraid that if he moved it would set something off in Keith. This behavior wasn’t like Keith and lack of knowledge associating with Keith meant caution. He was only perhaps 15 feet away, but it felt like miles to Keith. His perception was off and nothing made sense.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I just- I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe, Shiro.” He begins to panic at the settling facts.

He reaches out to grab something as he can start to feel his legs give out. He needed to focus all his energy on breathing, nothing else. Lance is quick to react as he grabs both of Keith’s forearms and sinks down to the floor with him.

“Hey, Keith?” Lance is so gentle with his words but anyone else could see that he was terrified as to what was going on. He didn’t like being left in the dark.

“Pidge, Hunk, go get Coran and Allura.” Shiro urges as the two paladins are quick to go.

“Keith, can you look at me?”

“Look at me when I speak to ya!”

Keith yelps in agony as his hands rush to cup at his ears but end up with a death grip on his scalp. Lance notices the change and despite his alertness he is quick with reason. He can’t have Keith hurt himself in this state so he turns him around and hugs him from behind. His arms are around Keith, crossing Keith’s arms across his chest so he can’t hurt himself. The two sit on the floor with Shiro crouching in front, listening in on Keith’s labored breathing.

“Keith, buddy, can you try to calm down for me?” Shiro’s words are simple and the request easy, but he knew it wouldn’t be enough. All he was looking for was a reaction from Keith that somehow indicated he was with them, not in his own little world.

Keith’s throat felt like it was closing in on him. Every breath he dug in to his lungs was embers that were ignited by his thoughts. Everything just hurt and he wanted it all to stop. He was so desperate for it to stop. He had never felt something like this before and it scared him. A whimper threatened his throat but never made it past his lips. He felt the urge to cry but something stopped him from doing so.

“Stop it! Boys don’t cry!”

“Stop!” Keith yells, his voice cracking painfully as he tightens the shut of his eyes, as if the darkness would save him. No, it would only ignite the pain but Keith didn’t care, he relied on it anyways.

“Keith, Keith! You’re fine. You’re fine, bud.” Shiro attempts to assure him.

Keith knows that Shiro goes on to speak gentle words and whisper kind nothings to get him to calm down, but he can’t hear him. The painful ringing in his ears are back. With two senses gone, sight and hearing, the others enhance. Suddenly he can smell the beer. He can taste the blood. He can feel the pain like he’s never before.

He opens his eyes in the hopes of lessening the feeling. He sees a blurry version of Shiro crouched in front of him. He looks so concerned and Keith hates it. Shiro’s lips move but Keith continues to hear nothing. He just shakes his head at Shiro with a sad look.

Shiro starts to get it as he uses his hands to gesture. He motions his hands up as he seems to take in a deep breath before lower his hands and blowing air out. He’s nodding encouragement to Keith for him to follow along. He’s reminding Keith that he needs to breathe . Oh God.

“This is for your own good.”

“Please don’t.” Keith silently begs, a look of pained confusion and empathy strikes Shiro.

His head is pushed in to water.

He can’t breathe.

He can’t. Breathe.

Darkness.

Darkness.

When Keith starts to come to it’s slow. But, he used to this process. Waking up from a moment of unconsciousness. Sadly he’s mastered the ability to bounce back with record time.

The lights are too bright but Keith knows he still needs to adjust to the visions so he finds the dullest corner of the room to focus his vision on. It soon comes apparent that his hearing is back too.

“You scared the quiznack out of Lance.” A voice suddenly says, as if continuing a normal conversation.

Keith looks over to see Pidge messing around with the controls of a monitor beside him. It’s not until now does he notices that he’s in the med bay, not his own room. He feels a moment of confusions before adjusting to the realization. He looks back around before focusing his attention back on Pidge.

“He’s never heard of a panic attack before. He thought he poisoned you with those Altean blueberries.” Pidge explains before finishing up a basic analysis on the technology to ensure it was working, only now facing Keith. Keith decides he doesn’t want to face his problems right now and lays his head back, staring up at the ceiling.

“They’re not blueberries.” Keith corrects, repeating what Lance had insisted so harshly.

“I think you’re missing the point.” Pidge points out, earning a light scoff from Keith, “He thought you were dying . Hell, we all thought you were. Well, except Shiro, of course. He seemed to be the only one that knew what was going on.”

“Typical.” Another scoff from Keith. There's a short intermission of silence as Podge debates on the next words to use. It had its ups and down and but was ultimately deemed necessary to say.

“Shiro told us.” Pidge admits before suddenly becoming really interested in the ground and the sleeve the green paladin was wearing. Keith turned his head to look at Pidge, hoping this was some sick joke. When he realized it wasn't he slightly broke.

“That bastard .” Keith grunts as he rolls his head and shakes it to look back up at the ceiling. He just wants all of this to be a bad dream.

“We just want to help you.”

“What if I don't want your help?”

“You need it.”

“You don't know what I need.”

“Neither do you.”

The light argument ends as Keith can't argue back because Pidge was right . He didn't know anything right now. He didn't know how to handle things or how to communicate his feelings or the difference between right and wrong when it came to how he treated himself. He knew nothing . It made him feel stupid.

“Let us help you.” Pidge whispers and Keith can feel how broken the green paladin has become due to this. He never knew he could have such an effect on a person, and it scared him to be in this much control of his life.

“I'll let you guys talk and I'll listen.” Keith compromises with a secret word play in their that Pidge caught even though Keith thought differently, more or so hoped.

“You'll listen, but will you try and understand it.” Pidge questions.

“I will now.” Keith stubbornly mumbles, giving up on the debate.

Podge smiles at the work accomplished. It was apparent that Keith wouldn't be getting better over night. No, that wasn't how it worked. But, he was on the path to at least find peace, and that was all the team could ask for.