Chapter Text
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 2nd 1588
Image description: A golden-yellowy egg cup, shaped like a trophy. It holds an egg with a simplified face drawn on it. The face is smiling, with the mouth slightly up-turned on one side. The trophy-egg cup/egg combination is standing on what appears to be a stone floor. The camera is leveled with the egg. There are tufts of grass coming up between the stone tiles. In the slightly blurry background the cracked shells and guts of multiple eggs can be seen.
Text: Today, Kaer Morhen hosted an impromptu Egg Ball Championship. For those of you (blissfully) unaware of this game, it started out as a training exercise to let newly turned young witchers practice modulating their new strength by throwing and catching raw chicken eggs. As with many things involving young people, it has gained a lot more rules over the years. Egg Ball is now less of a single training exercise, and more a genre of over-complicated egg-based games. Today's championship featured eight separate events, only five of which yielded any clear winner.
358 Likes, 211 Comments
Top comments:
Mother of 5: Only one of my children is old enough to have social media, but that was enough. She read this, decided to come up with her own game of egg ball, and roped her siblings and the neighbor's kids into the chaos. Together, they amassed - and broke - a total of 36 eggs.
Kaer Morhen: @Mother of 5 I’m sorry for your loss.
Mother of 5: It wasn’t a fun surprise to come home to. But for those of you that worried, yes, they played outside, and no, I didn’t raise my hand to any of them. I told them that I won’t be buying any new eggs to make pancakes, cookies etc. for a month.
Butterfly502: but who won?? who are the CHAMPIONS??? we must know!!! 🥚🥚🥚🏆🏆🏆🥚🥚🥚
Zuzanna Zucchini: imagine egg ball as a big time sport. people going to sports bars to watch it while eating like… omelets or something. team jerseys with eggs on them! egg puns in all the names! eggciting times!
1571xx: that’s so wasteful, think about how many those eggs could have fed
Dyn Marv: Fair warning, some of the Cats are now trying to organize an inter-school egg ball tournament. They are absolutely certain of their own victory, despite the fact that none of them even know the rules yet. But to be fair, if Wolves can do it, how hard can it be?
Kaer Morhen: @Dyn Marv Bring it on.
***
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 4th 1588
Image description: Three witchers standing framed by a curved door-way. They each wear silver witcher medallions with cat heads. The witcher to the left has curly dark hair, pale yellow eyes and a scar across his smiling mouth. He has the nose and whiskers of a cat drawn on his face, and wears a rainbow tie-dye shirt. The one on the left has blond hair in a braid, and also has cat whiskers drawn on her cheeks. She wears a dark, long sleeved shirt and a looser bluish-green vest. She is smirking. Both are carrying large woven baskets filled to the brim with white and brown chicken eggs. The witcher in the middle appears older than the other two. He has dark gray hair, and crinkles around his pale red eyes. He has several facial scars, but no cat-like face paint. He wears a black t-shirt with thin red lines on the sleeve cuffs.
Text: A challenge was issued from the School of the Cat. And rather than letting the children’s game remain among the children, they insisted that the more interesting test was against more experienced witchers. Guxart, who is the current Grandmaster of the Cats, has had the audacity to refer to himself as my “close friend and compatriot” for many years, and thus took it upon himself to challenge me personally. I intend to represent myself and my School with honor and grace.
510 Likes, 300 Comments
Top comments:
Dyn Marv: Hey, wolf fans! For those of you wondering, the handsome witchers in the picture are - aside from the Most Mightful and Importanty Guxart - Schrödinger and Dragonfly! 😼
Lambert_Wolf: honor and grace he says, like he isn’t secretly the pettiest bastard in kaer morhen
Lambert_Wolf: that said, my money’s on old V any day, any time
Aiden of the Kitty Cats: @Lambert_Wolf i’ll take that bet wolf. vesemir’s good, don’t get me wrong, but ain’t no way he’s beating guxart!
Zuzanna Zucchini: I’M SO EGGCITED!!! #eggchampions1588
xX.witcherfan.Xx: why all this stupid childish crap? you’re monster killers! murder machines! have some self respect
Craftarian: I made some pin designs to commemorate this! Egg-shaped, with wolf and cat ears+tail combos. They’re very cute, in my not-so-humble opinion. Check them out here! (And if you want to see my actual pins that can be bought - because no, the eggs are just some quick art, you can’t get that on an enamel pin - you can take a look at my store here. No pressure though!)
Proud_Half-Elf77: Good to see the childhood spirit remain at however many hundred years old you guys are
***
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 4th 1588
Video description: A short looping video of two witchers attempting to stack eggs into the tallest tower. The one on the left is the older witcher from the previous picture. The one on the right has mostly gray hair and beard, with some streaks of black, particularly in the beard. He has scars across his face and hands. He wears a dark brown coat and a silver wolf medallion. Both egg towers are impressively high when the video starts, and keep being built, until the witcher on the right sneezes and both towers start to fall over. The video re-starts before the fall is complete.
Text: No comment.
356 Likes, 118 Comments
Top comments:
Zuzanna Zucchini: can’t believe this is how we get a face reveal, what a king
Lambert_Wolf: HONOR and GRACE my ass. next time you start your lecture about witcher stealthiness i’m bringing this back to haunt you old man
Alicja Troyden: So… who won? It might have been Vesemir’s fault, but if both towers fell… isn’t that a tie? Or was this just one part of the larger competition?
Jaskier the Bard: I’m so upset I missed this! I was literally at Kaer Morhen yesterday, couldn’t you’ve had your epic showdown then? Think of all the songs I could have written!
E.varAttre: Can officially confirm at least one anonymous government official fell off their chair laughing
Hoppity Bop: what an adorable sneeze!!
xX.witcherfan.Xx: can’t believe you’re supposed to be WITCHERS… how did you not get thorn to tiny pieces and eaten by monsters 1000 years ago?
***
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 12th 1588
Image description: A stone wall, covered in hanging swords and daggers. The blades gleam, none of them are sheathed. All hilts are black or brown, with no decoration.
Text: As one of Kaer Morhen’s fencing instructors, one of my duties is to go through the many unclaimed blades in the keep and make sure they are all properly cared for. This is just a small part of a lesser-used armory. Swords may have gone out of everyday usage for most people, but they remain an important part of every witcher’s arsenal.
143 Likes, 71 Comments
Top comments:
Lambert_Wolf: did you really just go “guxart embarrassed me online, i better show off some fucking swords to seem cool again”??
Dyn Marv: @Lambert_Wolf If so, he’s playing a losing game
Zuzanna Zucchini: oooh, pretties! i wanna sword too
The Meme Connoisseur: Swords should never have gone out of fashion in the first place!
Time to Bloom: Wait, so how many swords and knives and things does Kaer Morhen HAVE? and how many does the average witcher just… carry around? Are the scenes from movies where a character has to leave their weapons with a guard or something and there’s just like, a mountain of knives, actually just based on witchers?
xX.witcherfan.Xx: now show them in action!!
***
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 15th 1588
Image description: A small crowd of people standing outside of a greenhouse. Most wear vests that read ”CREW” across the back, and carry cameras, microphones and similar equipment. Two people wear black witcher armor, gloves and safety glasses. One wears a bright yellow hazmat suit with additional safety padding strapped on top.
Text: Getting accurate safety information about monsters out to the children of the continent is important, and a particular passion project for our wolf Geralt and his friend Jaskier. The first episode of the children’s educational TV show is available tonight. Watch it at your own risk, the songs have a high risk of getting stuck in your head.
623 Likes, 228 Comments
Top comments:
Jaskier the Bard: Aw, Vesemir! We love you too 💖
Mother of 5: Thank you so much! Words cannot express how grateful I am for having something like this. I don’t know much about monsters myself, and I feel so helpless, not knowing when it’s safe to take my eyes off the kids for a second and when that might get them devoured by something unspeakable. Having something like this to educate not just them but also myself means so much to me, and to countless other families as well I’m sure! ❤️
Jaskier the Bard: @Mother of 5 You’ll make me cry! Honestly, that’s exactly what we’re trying to do here. So thank YOU for your encouraging words, and for wanting your children to learn! ❤️
Memetastically123: banana suit
Tobias the Hoffman: The kids wouldn’t need to deal with the beasties at all if you people would just do your jobs better
Zuzanna Zucchini: oooh fun!! i’ll check it out. maybe not every time, since it’s for little kids and all, but i can help boost the numbers for the first ep.
elven films are the best films: nice behind-the-scenes look. so many people act like TV and movies just magically APPEAR and don’t think about the actual people behind the cameras at all
The Follow4Follow Fellow: hey where the fuck did you guys get making a TV show kind of money? don’t you spend it all on weapons and shit to, you know, *fight monsters*?? that seems a *little* more important than entertaining some spoiled brats with songs or whatever
***
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 18th 1588
Image description: A large wooden table filled with baskets of bread and eggs; plates of sliced meats, mushrooms and naleśniki; pots of butter, jam, honey and nuts; and large serving bowls of somalia porridge and meat stew. There’s very little space between all the food.
Text: Our trainees may complain about having to rise early, but these are good times, and they never have to lament a lack of breakfast. Nor any other meal, while behind our walls.
199 Likes, 81 Comments
Top comments:
Lambert_Wolf: way to become one of those taking pictures of food people old man. soon you’ll start to tag #blessed unironically
Kaer Morhen: And how are you on this #blessed day, young Lambert?
Lambert_Wolf: fuck off!!
Drowner Inside: Wait, did you not used to have food? Like “children sent to bed without supper for misbehaving” or “starving in the winter” not having food? Either way it's horrible, but very different kinds of horrible
Mother of 5: That looks delicious!
xX.witcherfan.Xx: is that monster meat? if you don’t eat monster meat you should. why waste it? and you guys can have all kinds of poison shit anyway, so that wouldn’t be a problem. eat monsters and tell us what they taste like!
Alicja Trojden: So how early DO you make them get up? With the sun? Before??
Zuzanna Zucchini: ooh now i’m hungry. wish i had a breakfast like that right now
Justice for Elves: No, seriously, do you guys starve when you leave your castles and things? Should we be worried?
Leaf Lover: are there any vegan witchers?
***
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 22nd 1588
Image description: A dark-brown horse with a black mane and a tail. It has white socks on its front legs, one going slightly higher than the other. It is standing on grass, and looking up towards the camera.
Text: Historically, a lot of witchers made their way around the Path on horseback. That isn’t common anymore, but many witchers still form bonds with horses or other mounts. In tonight's episode of “The ABCs of Monsters and Magic” Geralt shows off his own unusual animal. Personally, I prefer more traditional horses, such as Snail over here. (Who despite his name is surprisingly fast for his age.)
618 Likes, 429 Comments
Top comments:
Lambert_Wolf: wait are YOU the reason pretty boy and esk are so fucking bad at naming horses?
Clovis of the Wolves: @Lambert_Wolf says the guy who “named” the one horse he ever had “the horse”
Alina Hoffman: I never realized witchers were such horse girls! Edit: Aside from Lambert, apparently
Blue Mountains Gal: My son told me I needed to watch the episode. It surprised me, as I am 83 years old. But he was right. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I was twelve years old when I lost two of my sisters to a monster. I have never been able to forgive myself for leaving them behind to save my own life. It is probably too late for me to let go of the guilt now, but the words of your witcher and his friend helped.
Zuzanna Zucchini: episode made me CRY FOREVER and felt like a hug at the same time what have you DONE?? this was just supposed to be a silly kids show!!
Murky_Waters69: honestly? roach is SUPER CREEPY, the kids are gonna get nightmares. why do you even let Gerald keep a MONSTER as a PET??!!!
Dyn Marv: Such a beautiful horse!
xX.witcherfan.Xx: why would you prefer a normal boring horse over one that eats people? that’s so much cooler
***
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 25th 1588
Image description: A man with dark skin and light hair, wearing black and tan mage robes with a silver wolf head stitched over the heart, is looking down at a hedgehog by his feet with a somewhat disappointed expression.
Text: A hedgehog wandered into my early-afternoon fencing class with the ten-year-olds. I had remind the children that when a wild animal act in unusual ways (hedgehogs are typically nocturnal, and while they are curious animals, they dislike the smell of witchers) it may be a sign of illness, and approaching the animal to pet them (or take “selfies”) can result in them lashing out, potentially causing serious injury or spreading the disease. The children then demanded I call one of the mages to examine the hedgehog, who they had now both named and become deeply worried about. Mage Reidrich did not appreciate being called away from his work to act as a veterinarian, but did clear the hedgehog of any illness. He also supported my assertion that it would not be kept as a pet.
370 Likes, 161 Comments
Top comments:
M.A.75: boo, let the kiddos have their hedgehog!!
Jaskier the Bard: What an adorable baby! I’m glad it wasn’t sick, but just had the good sense to appreciate witchers!
xX.witcherfan.Xx: just have them use the thing for target practice
Zuzanna Zucchini: so what did they name the little guy? hedgy? henry? mr prickly? spike? please, the people need to know!
Hedgehogs 4 Lyfe: Oh, hey, thanks for the hedgehog shoutout! Did not know they were anti-witcher aromas, but it makes sense. They have a very good sense of smell, much better than humans! A witcher probably registers as a predator to them
Artaud of Ban Ard: Really, Reidrich? You’re still slumming it with the mutants? It’s not like there’s something new to be done with them in this day and age
Mother of 5: I had no idea a wild animal being too-friendly could be a sign of illness! I knew it might be a monster in disguise, so I wouldn’t have let my children pet a deer or something that came right up to them, but that’s a new reason I hadn’t considered.
MonsterWife: this was today? but it’s saturday! you can’t make kids have class on weekends!! they need to run around and play and relax and stuff to make their brains brain properly
***
Posted by Kaer Morhen on PicturePlace, May 29th 1588
Image description: A paper calendar showing the month of May, with Wednesdays from the 15th and forward circled in red.
Text: It is once again Wednesday, and that means it’s time for a new episode of “The ABCs of Monsters and Magic”. Parent’s ought to appreciate that, in addition to monster facts, the show can help children remember everyday information such as the days of the week. It is certainly something I have seen younger trainees struggle with.
196 Likes, 80 Comments
Top comments:
Lambert_Wolf: while older witchers only get little details like, oh, the fucking year a bit wrong. like a decade or two. no big, right?
Leaf-Eater: what is this “wednesday” thing you speak of? canst thou eat it?
xX.witcherfan.Xx: shut up about the stupid show!! talk about MONSTERS!
Jaskier the Bard: Ooh, I remember learning the days of the week in part because of my favorite TV shows when I was a wee lad. How things come full circle!
Lambert_Wolf: seems like you struggle with the days yourself old man, if you need a fucking calander to remember this shit. then again, it’s all fake aesthetic crap right? since i notice you don’t have a single other thing in the oh so important not at all bullshit calendar thingy
HotnessAlerter: I saw some screenshots from the episode and can I just say: Wow-ie what a cute mage! Is Mr Istredd Have-My-Babies going to become a regular? Because if so, I might need to start watching the show