Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Officially, it all started five years ago. 

Right after their career had started to take off, it became apparent that Hyunjin was hiding something that was bothering him too much, considering the boy had never been the best person at covering the truth. He was shit at it during games and he was even worse when it involved things that were dear to him. He had always been too candid—too emotional.

“I’m gay,” Hyunjin said, in a late-night group meeting that he had asked Chan to initiate. 

They were surprised, although not everyone. Some were better at being diplomatic about it, and some were dogshit at suppressing the inappropriate ‘oh I knew’. They were young so they didn’t exactly know how to react. When Hyunjin started tearing up at their silence, it was Felix who rushed forward to hug him awkwardly. 

“Thank you,” Felix said, in his usual fashion of too much sincerity.

At that time, Changbin only felt glad, he didn’t understand much, but he was glad that Hyunjin trusted the team enough to tell them. He hugged Hyunjin afterward. Assuring him that this had changed nothing, if anything, Changbin had many handsome male friends to introduce. 

Hyunjin laughed, insisting he was not interested in dating straight boys. 

Then, later, Chan had them sit down to talk about the topic as a group. 

The young leader was not entirely prepared for the occurrence, but he was genuine in his conviction to learn. Changbin thought secretly that Hyunjin definitely had found the talk a bit too mortifying, but the sentiment was also too sweet so no one was against it. 

The talk turned out to be a good idea though, as it prompted Jisung’s own exclamation of how relatable the whole thing was for him.

“Is there anyone else who wants to come out?” Hyunjin joked, while hugging a squirming Jisung.

Felix coughed at that. 

“What?” he said. At everyone’s shocked stare, he made a gesture to defend himself. “I thought everyone knew!”

So, that was years ago and despite the initial surprise and talks, nothing much changed. 

They had dating bans. After the dating ban was lifted, they were too busy to actually consider dating. He knew some of them had casually seen other people, but it had never been too serious, never too important that they had to be introduced to the team. 

It was the same for him. He had a girlfriend, once, before they debuted. Then, he had friends who flirted with him sometimes. When it was safe enough, a hookup would be on the table. It was not as if he was trying to prevent himself from pursuing a relationship, it was just that for some reasons he had never been too attracted to anyone to consider the notion. 

Over the years, Changbin observed certain facts like the secret knowledge that many people in the industry were gay. There were rumors, but there were also a few that did not bother to even consider the closet. One of them was another former trainee of JYP who was also coincidentally a good friend of Hyunjin. He thought it was neat, he was glad Hyunjin had friends that could understand him. 

Hyunjin laughed himself silly when Changbin told him that.

“Yeah, it’s nice. I guess? Ideally. But sometimes we also fought so I don’t talk to him anymore. It’s just like any other friend, sometimes I can be an asshole, he can be an asshole, and friendship ends,” Hyunjin said, while laying down in their shared dorm, anime forgotten in the background.

“You fought?”

“Yeah? it’s not a big deal.” Clearly a lie. 

“You haven’t told me about this!” 

“What? Do you want me to tell you everything?” Hyunjin replied, incredulous. 

But Changbin was serious, he had always been serious. 

“Yeah! You need to tell hyung everything. I want to know everything about Hwang Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin laughed hard as he pushed Changbin off the bed. It was a beautiful sound that induced dopamine. 

“Okay. I’ll tell you everything.”

And that was it, they made a promise. 

After that, Hyunjin started telling him things. It was not quite everything, but Hyunjin would tell him things that he was so sure the other boy had never divulged to anyone else. Sometimes, it was things of big importance, like when he was asked to collaborate with his favorite artist and did not know how to get approval from the company. Sometimes, it was much more trivial details like when he found Changbin’s PT hot.

Perhaps it made him too sure, too sure that he knew everything, that Hyunjin would tell him everything. 

Which, as he discovered later on one fine day, is not always the case.

—

Changbin is at the cafeteria in the company building, trying to get any drink to keep himself alive when he hears Hyunjin’s sweet singing voice coming through the speaker. 

Not to be too prideful, but Changbin is a dependable friend. Hyunjin has a rather distinct voice and Changbin has heard even his drafts, things that most people are not privy to. While Changbin might not remember every single one of their group’s songs in great detail, he knows when he has heard the song previously or not, especially when it is a Hyunjin’s song.

So imagine his shock when realization dawns that he cannot quite place the sound.

“Hyunjin made a new song?” he blurts out loud.

Seungmin blinks, very slowly. 

“You didn't know?” he asks back.

Changbin shakes his head, just as slowly. 

“How?” Seungmin questions, as if he has committed a grievous crime. 

Well, he does feel like he has committed a crime he is completely unaware of. Surely, that is the only explanation possible on why his roommate who usually would tell him everything, even the silliest occurrence like the lonely blooming flower he found on the sidewalk, somehow chose to not inform him about releasing a song. 

“I didn't,” he confirms, again.

“He posted the song last night. Wow. I thought he would send it to you first,” Seungmin says, not bothering to hide his grave astonishment. 

I thought so too. 

“Clearly not.” Changbin laughs it off in an attempt to make the air feel less like in a criminal court.

It's not working well. 

Changbin has never been the best at multitasking and now his brain is working overdrive without caffeine to remember what he did the night before. Well, he had gone to bed early. He had his door open, as per usual, because Hyunjin had not come home even when it was already way past midnight. Changbin is not a possessive roommate, but usually Hyunjin would tell him his plans, whenever he plans to stay out late so that he doesn't have to worry if someone has kidnapped their precious dancer. 

Ever since they moved to the place that belongs only to the two of them, they have tried to be considerate of each other. Yet at the very first place, there is not much to be considerate of, not between them who have lived with each other for so long. Sure, they have their own rooms, but Hyunjin has never been too particular if Changbin wants to visit or bother him. Changbin knows Hyunjin’s habits, his little ticks, his projects and the schedule for the next week. 

They are comfortable. They trust each other. Hyunjin tells Changbin everything.

This does not make any sense. 

…and Changbin clearly has been too absorbed in his own thoughts because the next thing he knows Seungmin is handing him his coffee order.

“Ah, you remember my order,” he coos. 

Seungmin rolls his eyes. “Let’s go back before we get scolded.”

Back at the dance studio, Hyunjin, the subject of his increasingly wild presumptions, is busy stretching himself against the wall. Black hair tied with a red hair tie and white shirt pressing loosely against his figure, he looks beautiful because that is the fundamental fact of his existence.

What is not usual is Hyunjin keeping things from him. A song!

Changbin is not the best at keeping things repressed so he approaches him from behind. Hands tentatively touching Hyunjin’s strong shoulders where the result of his exercising can be felt, they are stretched and solid under Changbin’s grubby fingers.

“Hi, hyung,” Hyunjin greets, while trying to kiss his own knees.

“Good morning, gorgeous,” he answers, starting strong by acknowledging a solid scientific fact. 

Hyunjin giggles, because that is also the natural order of things. “You said your good morning already, earlier.”

“I will keep saying it so that you will always have a good morning.”

Hyunjin giggles, again. Changbin counts this as a win, also as per usual. 

Things are going smoothly. There is no problem. Everything is fine. So, Changbin goes straight for the kill.

“Did you release a song yesterday?” he asks, in his most normal, casual voice.

Hyunjin does not answer immediately, but he hums, after a few seconds.

“Oh, yes. Have you heard the song? Do you like it?”

Changbin blinks. 

Not the answer he expected. He expected–what did he expect? Explanation?

“I heard it in the cafeteria. I just found out about it this morning. Oh, I like it, of course.”

Hyunjin hums again; it’s to the tone of his song. He rotates his body so that they are sitting next to each other, cracking his knuckles before nodding again. “Let me know if you have any thoughts or constructive criticism for it.”

Changbin blinks, again. He is doing a lot of blinking today.

“Usually you would ask that before you published the song,” he finally says, unable to stop the whining from sipping out. 

He is rewarded with a smile. “You can give criticism after the song is published.”

Changbin cannot keep it down any longer.

“How can you not tell me about this song, Hyunjin-ah? I haven’t heard it properly, but it sounded beautiful. I like the chord progression, too. You sounded sad, did you watch another sad movie?”

He expects Hyunjin to laugh and make excuses, but instead, there is a somber look coloring his face.

“Sorry, I was afraid I would chicken out if I received criticism.”

Huh. 

He has always been candid with Hyunjin. “That’s odd. You always want an opinion beforehand.”

“Not for this one, hyung. This one is personal,” Hyunjin says with a tsk . There is a small smile on his beautiful lips, Changbin can see the glistening lip gloss accentuating its shape perfectly.

“Personal? Aish, then I have to listen to it carefully.”

Hyunjin nods. He looks almost… despondent? Changbin is not sure, which throws him off the kilter again. It is not even nine o’clock yet.

“Please tell me what you think about it,” he requests, again. 

The conversation is cut short by Minho’s behest for everyone to stand up and be prepared. As Changbin realizes that he has used his warming up time for a very productive conversation with Hyunjin, he immediately runs to position while doing light stretching. Minho notices, scowling disapprovingly. 

“Five more minutes to warm up. No more canoodling.”

— 

After practice, he has a schedule with Chan and Jisung in the studio. He finishes his lunch real quick before immediately rushing to the location—he wants to be alone for the first proper listening of Hyunjin’s song. The recording studio equipment is also miles better than any cafeteria speaker or wireless buds. After all, Hyunjin’s song deserves the best.

Unfortunately for him, before he can even manage to sit properly, Chan barges into the room while chatting happily with one of their producers.

“Bin! Why are you so early today?” Chan asks when he realizes that Changbin is hogging the leader’s usual chair.

“Hi,” Changbin bows to the other producer. “Ah, I’m–” 

Well, he cannot not tell them he wrapped his lunch quickly just to have a good listening experience for their bandmate’s newest release. It would be weird, right? 

There is another voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Kim Seungmin telling him actually, it is not weird at all. They are bandmates, after all. Music is an important bond for the eight of them. So, weirdness is not the problem here. 

Changbin gulps. 

Fine. 

He knows the problem. He does not want to admit to more people that he hasn’t given Hyunjin’s new song a listen. Not properly, because he did not know beforehand. Because Hyunjin, somehow, did not inform him, this once.

“Why are you here so early too?” Changbin diverts the question from himself.

“Oh? I want to discuss a few tweaks to the tracks with hyung. I was busy helping Hyunjin take a last look into his song last night, it was too late to do other tracks.”

Changbin’s eye twitches. 

“Hyunjin discussed his new song with you?” Changbin asks, sounding absolutely normal.

“Yeah? Well, Hyunjin actually produced the song himself! But he asked me some questions and opinions, so I was happy to help.”

Chan looks pleased, like he always does. Their fans have compared him to a father who is all too happy to see his children flourish, but Changbin disagrees. Chan is too much of a hyung who needs affection from them, who is all too happy whenever he feels needed. They are the same in that aspect. 

Yet, there is jealousy gnawing on his brain. Hush. 

Changbin nods. “That’s cool, hyung.”

There was puzzlement on Chan’s face. His hyung is a good leader and to be a good leader means that Chan has gotten used to picking up cues about his members’ inner turmoil. He makes a sympathetic face which is so effective in dousing shame right into Changbin’s head.

“Ah, the song must be good then! You two always work well together. I actually haven’t heard the song yet. Not properly,” he offers his shameful truth as compensation.

Chan pauses before gears seemingly finally start clicking in his head, Changbin does not want to assume what the gears are informing. “We can listen to it together! Oh, wait, is that fine, hyung?” Chan asks the producer next to him. 

The producer hyung gives a thumbs up. 

Chan brightens as he rushes to the other seat, plugging the equipment and urging Changbin to use the headphones. It's sweet. 

In no time, the music of Hyunjin’s new song is playing into his ears. The speaker in the cafeteria does not do it any justice, for Changbin can hear the layers of subtle strings in the background. The song is not quite so stripped but still manages to put emphasis on the words that Hyunjin is crooning. Just like every other Hyunjin’s tracks, it is emotional and reflective. Yet, Changbin has never felt sadder.

The sadness is not because Hyunjin did not inform him of the song. Well—maybe that too, but the song is genuinely mournful, yearning—longing. He can feel the atmosphere and emotions that Hyunjin wanted to convey. As if Hyunjin is a widow waiting for his husband— wait, no —as if Hyunjin is a mere peasant longing for the moon. There is resignation there and it’s wild. 

Yet, unlike most of the popular songs on the charts, the lyrics do not blame the object of affection. It delivers a rather bittersweet aftertaste.

“What do you think?” Chan asks, way too carefully after Changbin takes off the equipment.

At the corner of his eyes, Jisung is sitting on the sofa, having slinked himself in during the short duration of the song. The producer hyung has taken a seat near the recording box, seemingly busying himself as if to say ‘take your time’.

“Sad,” Changbin says. “But also really sweet.”

There is no further comment before his hyung claps his hands together. 

“Tell Hyunjin about your opinions, he must be glad to hear that you like it.”

Chan, then, gestures for everyone to get working, leaving Changbin to scramble his thoughts into a coherent one.

Perhaps, later. Perhaps, he will give it another listen.

—

“Hyung!”

He is walking to his car, earbuds in his ears, when he sees Hyunjin running towards him, hugging his oversized bag. His hair is tucked into a low pony tail along with a beret to cover his head. He is wearing a brown coat, a cream sweater with flowers painted peeking underneath. He is beautiful and Changbin feels underdressed in his gym shorts and shirts with only a jacket he haphazardly threw on top. As expected from their dedicated artist, Hwang Hyunjin. 

“Can I catch a ride? You are going to the gym, right? Please give me a ride. I have an appointment today with the managers.”

Hyunjin is a bit out of breath when he finally arrives next to Changbin, shoulders bumping lightly. There is a light flush across his cheek. 

“Not here?”

“No, it’s near our place, so just before your gym. The managers have a meeting there today. I told them I’ll meet them there but no one in the building could give me a ride.”

“Ah, I see,” Changbin accepts the explanation, he is not going to reject an excuse to spend more time with his best friend. He opens the door to make it easier for Hyunjin to get in. 

Hyunjin looks pleased, murmuring a thank you. 

As he drives outside the parking lot, it is immediately apparent that the sky is cooking up a storm. Hyunjin pairs his music instantly as a testament to how often he has hitched a ride. The speaker plays in low volume, letting Younha sing of raindrops and teardrops. There is traffic, not surprising considering the hour. So, Changbin relaxes his postures before moving his attention to Hyunjin who is quietly playing with his phone.

“How is your day, Hyunjin-ah?”

“We had practice together this morning.”

“You didn’t have a recording session though. I haven’t seen you ever since,” Changbin argues.

“It was well. Yongbok is quite obsessed with perfecting his part so I helped him with that.” 

He sees Hyunjin locking his phone away, putting it inside of his bag.

“How about you, hyung?”

“Well, we had practice together this morning—” Hyunjin smacks his arm for that. “—and! The recording was going well. We will be ready for a comeback soon,” Changbin says with a singsong.

“Yeah? What else?” Hyunjin asks, staring at his black nails. There are roses and thorns painted carefully, another testament to Hyunjin’s incredible artistry.

“I listened to your song.”

The playlist changes to an English song that Changbin cannot recognize, he only remembers that Hyunjin has danced to it once. 

“Do you like it?”

“Of course! Our Hyunjin is very talented.”

Hyunjin scoffs. “You always say that.”

“It’s true, though? I never lie about this kind of thing.”

Hyunjin does not answer him, he opts to hum along to the song. 

“Your song is very sad, though. It’s almost as if you have just taken a lesson in being a three-times divorcee from DAY6 sunbaenim.”

Hyunjin laughs at the comment. “What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know, I almost wanted to cry. Who could be breaking Hyunjin’s heart like this, I thought.”

Hyunjin laughs again. Changbin wants to keep making him laugh—he should always be laughing, not sad, definitely not sad.

“Are you worried?” Hyunjin asks, in the tone that he always uses when he is fishing for a compliment.

Changbin knows the dance. “Of course! I would fight the person, if I could! If there is a person.”

There is another laughter. “I would fight the person if I could,” Hyunjin mimes, in between his giggling like there is a joke he is not telling Changbin. It prickles him.

“Why? Is there a person, Hyunjin-ah?” Changbin asks, perhaps too serious. Is he being too overbearing? If Hyunjin wants to tell him, he will tell him. 

But Hyunjin does not frown, there is a smile that never wavers from his face. “Maybe I just like the concept of having crushes.”

“That’s not just crushes. The song is heartbreaking. You delivered the emotion well and you said it is personal.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

The car lights from the traffic can’t really pass through the tinted window, so it only provides a soft reddish hue to his cheekbones.

“You are devastatingly beautiful,” he says—an observation. “Anyone would be lucky,” he adds.

Hyunjin does not answer him, only humming before changing the song. 

It is not long before they arrive at the destination. True to Hyunjin’s words, it is only five minutes away from his gym. Changbin drops him off at the more private lobby where one of the managers is waiting for Hyunjin with a wet umbrella. Hyunjin leaves his bag with Changbin to take home, only taking his phone and wallet with him. They exchange their see-you-laters and Hyunjin rewards him with a squeeze to his arm. 

The drive to the gym is fast and quiet in comparison. The rain is still accompanying Changbin and he has another hour to kill before his PT session. Initially, he wants to do personal exercise, but when he arrives at the rainy parking lot, his body refuses to move.

There is a lingering scent of Hyunjin’s perfume in the car, a subtle wisteria touch that suits him well. Perhaps, it urges Changbin to miss his voice already. 

So, Changbin plays the song.

It is still as devastating as the first listen. Still bittersweet, prickling a corner of his heart that has not been bothered for quite some time, matching the gloomy weather.

On the second listen, he pays attention to the lyrics. Earlier, the emotion makes him unable to think much. It is clear Hyunjin has tried to make the lyrics easier to relate while still putting his poetic touch into it. He thinks, whoever the song was for, Hyunjin must be really in love with them. The song is slowly listing memories—subtle moments that are so mundane and common, yet accompanied with personal anecdotes. 

So, it does not hit him until the fourth listen. The realization is slow before it hits him like a truck.

“Wait,” Changbin says out loud to the empty car.

He replays the song again. 

No way.

He laughs to himself, but the crippling awareness sinks. 

Oh.

Shit, is the song about him?

—

It was safe to say that the realization tilted his world not just a little bit, so as a coping mechanism, Changbin went too hard at the gym. 

Now his muscles are aching, like they've never been for quite some time. He knew better to stop before it could develop into an injury, but he couldn't seem to regret it. Not to be dramatic, but at least the soreness is a distraction from whatever is brewing in his mind. The entire time, his thoughts are going back and forth, arguing against himself is an exercise in itself.

He listens to the song a few more times, perhaps twenty times too many. He is so sure of it—because there are things that are too familiar, lines that hit too close to home. Hyunjin sings of hopes, then he sings of homes, themes that can be about anyone. But there are—lines that talk about habits, the routines that they do together. Silly things he somehow remembers talking about late at night. He almost forgets about them, but he doesn’t. Clearly, Hyunjin also remembers enough.

Is he being too presumptuous? Too arrogant? Perhaps Hyunjin plucked stories from their friendship just as an inspiration for the song. After all, their friendship is not exactly conventional. They are idols, fanservice is part of the job description.

Well, it used to be fanservice, but after years of bantering, it became a habit that bleeds even when the camera is not present. Letting Hyunjin call him his wife is just another part of their dynamic that they have cultivated over the years. Nothing’s wrong with that, surely? Plenty of people have this.

Changbin goes home that night. After the shower, he uses Hyunjin’s body lotion, a force of habit. He almost regrets it for a moment as he stares at the evidence of their intertwined existence which upsets him further because why is this a problem now? It has never been a problem before. Why is he overthinking things? This does not suit him!

It is almost ten when he hears the sound of the front door. Hyunjin walks in, still in the same coat he wore earlier. There is a slight flush on his face—he has been drinking. 

“Out with friends, Hyunjin-ah?”

Hyunjin smiled at him, prettily as always. “Yes. My friend has free time.”

Perhaps, he has been too presumptuous indeed. 

Hyunjin takes off his coat as he hangs it into their decorative rack that the artist had painstakingly picked to match the interior. 

“I thought you'd be asleep, hyung,” he says in a soft voice. 

“I thought I would wait for you.”

Hyunjin laughs lightly. “You are too attentive.”

Changbin cannot stop his tongue. “You like it.” 

Hyunjin nods, in response. “I do.” He takes off his shoes before striding into the sofa where Changbin is sitting. “You always take care of me so well, my wife.”

Changbin’s breath hitches. Hyunjin is too sober, he would notice. 

Hyunjin is not an affectionate drunk, just another fact in the endless one that he has gathered over the years because they were best friends. He is more… friendly, chatty. He would pull someone for a dance, he would insist on seeing things that weren’t there. Sometimes he can be affectionate, but not just to anyone. 

But Hyunjin sits there before tentatively putting his head against Changbin's shoulder, indicating he is still very much aware of his surroundings. “I'm sleepy, hyung.”

His heartbeat is erratic for what feels like an eternity.

“You should wash yourself then rest,” he manages to say, eventually.

Hyunjin whines, but he does detach himself from Changbin’s side and walk to their bathroom to wash up. Meanwhile, Changbin cannot move even after the heavy weight left him. He stares at the cream ceilings, willing himself to move back to the sanctuary of his bedroom. Only after the warmth dissipates did he manage to regain control of his mobility. 

It is another twenty minutes before Hyunjin appears again, much cleaner, too fast compared to his usual night time routine, and crawls next to Changbin onto the bed. 

“I’m sad, hyung. Let me sleep here,” he says in the tone that he knows Changbin cannot refuse. 

“Why?” Changbin croaks.

He is answered by soft breathings.

It is safe to say, sleep is nearly impossible that night. 

–

Changbin wakes up with his blanket on the floor and Hyunjin still sleeping soundly next to him. He only has a minute to admire his roommate’s beautiful features despite the drool at the corner of his mouth before yesterday’s crisis comes knocking back again. 

What does it mean for him if the song is about him?  

His brain screams even though he only had four hours of sleep at maximum. He groans reflexively, which does not stir Hyunjin the slightest, what a sleeping beauty.

God damn it. 

Changbin slowly tries to extract his arms from Hyunjin’s grip before walking very slowly to the bathroom. He stares at his own reflection in the mirror and mourns his inability to actually process things in the vicinity of one Hwang Hyunjin. In his defense he usually has the capacity for it, but in the past he was not facing a crisis on this scale. 

He washes himself, again, brushing his teeth as thoughts ruminate inside. He changes into the clothes at the toppest pile of his wardrobe before packing to go to the company. Before he goes, he takes one last look at Hyunjin’s sleeping figure. 

Should he wake him up?

Ah, no. Hyunjin deserves rest. 

Changbin slinks outside of his own house, tiptoeing without a sound, straight to the studio where he practically locks himself there all day because this is his job. He is absolutely not running away from his beautiful roommate that may or may not have written a song about him.

The question comes back again. What does it mean, Seo Changbin?

Does this mean Hyunjin… is in love with him? Does this mean Hyunjin… yearn for him? Full body shudders run through his body just at the thought. Not to Hyunjin! To himself. Love is not cringe, he knows better than that, but again he feels like he is being too arrogant.

But, okay, hypothetically, if it is true that Hyunjin is in love with him, what does this mean? Does this mean Hyunjin has been hiding his emotion for… quite some times? Has Hyunjin been hurt because of this? Hurt enough to write a devastating, personal song that he did not inform Changbin beforehand? Okay, maybe he should put less focus on the not informing part because it does make perfect sense to not inform the object of your affection.

Changbin dies a little bit at the train wreck of thoughts that currently are running in his head. 

It is approximately nearing lunch time when he realizes he has not been able to get any meaningful work done and that perhaps he should start the crisis by considering his own feelings.

Also, an important question is if he reciprocates Hyunjin’s hypothetical feelings, does that mean he is gay?

“Bisexual. You can also be bisexual. But some people like to use gay as an umbrella term—or queer, for that matter,” Felix helps. 

“Silly. Of course, I should know that. We have had this talk before.”

“We have had too many talks about this, I feel like a scholar,” Felix sighs. 

Felix has a schedule earlier that day so when Changbin sees him loitering around, already in dance clothes, Changbin kidnaps him because procrastination loves company. Also, this problem requires expert opinion and who else is better at assisting him if not Felix Yongbok Lee who is currently free and definitely knows more about the sexuality matters.

“So,” Changbin starts again. “If someone has feelings for both guys and girls and they are bisexual. Is it something that you really know since you were young or like… is it possible to realize later?”

Felix, their kind little Yongbok, is so nice to not call him out for the way he is obviously not talking about some random person or suddenly interested in the discipline of gender and sexuality. 

“Well, some people think it’s fluid. There are many opinions,” Felix explains carefully. “But no, you can realize later on. Sometimes you have always been attracted to any gender but have never experienced the attraction much, so you don’t realize. It can be quite complicated.”

“We have talked about this.”

“Yes, hyung. We talked about this when Hyunjin came out, then when Jisung came out.”

At the mention of Hyunjin, his stomach flips. He quietly files the occurrence for later considerations. He smiles instead at the memory of Hyunjin’s tearful coming out and later, Jisung’s less tearful one.

“How come you never had a coming out?” he asks instead.

“You don’t have to, it’s not like a formal announcement that you have to do. I just assumed everyone knows because I have never been too shy about it, so that’s also part of my coming out, you could say.”

“Wow, thank you, Professor Yongbok.” 

Felix laughs. “We have had too many of these conversations in this group,” he repeats again. “So, what is it? A friend came out to you? You finally want to give dudes a chance?”

Changbin chokes. 

“I am still thinking,” he admits. 

“Let me know if you need help,” Felix says, way too sincerely.

“Are you making a pass on me?”

Felix barks a laugh. “I have made so many passes on you, hyung. Come on.”

Changbin blushes, of course, in retaliation, he pushes Felix to the side. 

“Seo Changbin, mind your strength!” Minho shouts from across the room.

—

The conversation with Felix clears some of his confusion but it does not touch the actual problem, Changbin realizes belatedly. And that is how he ends up in front of Jisung and Minho’s place. 

To be fair, they are not his first choice. 

The thing is he has bothered Yongbok enough today. The other option is Chan who has definitely noticed his weird mood since yesterday and has opted to send increasingly sympathetic glances. Changbin doesn’t know if Chan is actually aware of the crisis he is in right now, but a part of him still pettily does not want to go and spill his heart out to the hyung yet. Yes, it’s irrational. No, he thinks his feeling of being miffed for not being asked for opinions by his best friend is valid, so he will be within this stance for at least another two business days.

Or one. He doesn’t know how long he can refuse Chan’s dejected face.

Well, he can go to the two youngest of the group but for some reasons, not yet. Not now. He is not on that level of pathetic yet. That’s for… last resort. He still has some pride as the the hyung and he doesn’t need the quiet judgement and sensible solutions that they will definitely provide. He wants a time and place to resolve his inner crisis and an excuse to not go home.

Jisung opens the door with a pout. “I thought you have gym today, I could have caught a ride with you.” 

“This is an emergency,” Changbin says, dead serious as he barges inside, not forgetting to take off his dirty shoes in the hallway because his parents have instilled perfect manners into him, mental breakdown or not. 

Jisung’s round eyes get bigger. “Emergency? Are you okay?”

“Yeah—I’m fine. Can I get inside first?”

Jisung nods before letting him in without much ado. Changbin makes himself comfortable in the living room where Minho is laying down, staring intently at his phone. When the other owner of the house notices his entrance, he only raises an eyebrow. Changbin flashes him a charming smile.

“Hyung said there is an emergency,” Jisung explains.

His smile falters. Hearing Jisung saying that out loud almost makes him feel silly, but the way his head is about to explode prevents him from retracting the statement. He makes himself comfortable on the floor, next to Minho, before opening his phone.

“Let me order some food.”

“What about the emergency?” Jisung asks.

“Food first!” Changbin asserts.

Minho takes the phone from his hand before picking a restaurant. Occasionally, he gives him a puzzling eye. With someone else handling dinner, Changbin lets his head fall into a pillow.  

“What’s the emergency?” Minho is not letting this one drop, it seems. 

“There is no emergency,” Changbin answers.

“There is something,” Minho interjects, because he is a cat and he has a good nose. Do cats have a good nose? He doesn’t have the brain capacity right now.

“I’m just tired,” Changbin lies.

“You have your own home,” Minho argues again.

No way, he couldn’t just go back to his home with Hyunjin. 

“Yah! Can’t I visit you guys?”

“You miss us,” Jisung concludes gleefully before smacking his back. “You could have just said so!”

Changbin does not have the energy to correct him, and Minho doesn’t look convinced. Alas, he says nothing and turns on the TV. It is an anime, a very familiar one with the elves and heroes.

“We are on episode four, hyung. I can give you a summary,” Jisung offers.

“I know, I have watched this before.”

“You watch anime now?”

“Hyunjin.”

“Oh.”

Somehow the simple conversation makes his cheeks almost warm. Jisung and Minho have the grace not to comment on it. 

Not long after, the food comes. Noodles. Changbin bites back the voice inside of his head that tells him Hyunjin would love this. Has he had dinner yet? Changbin munches his dinner almost miserably, for god knows why. 

Minho claps his hands together as if he is a kindergarten teacher. “So? Speak.”

“Nothing!”

“Was he this weird earlier?” Minho asks Jisung.

“Yes. He has been sighing mournfully all day, I thought someone died.”

Minho raises another perfect eyebrow.

“So there is something. You choose to come here. Speak.”

“I’m worried about Hyunjin,” he says diplomatically. “I don't want to be presumptuous, but Hyunjin's new song—it's very sad, isn't it?"

Changbin’s question is answered with silence. The two hosts are staring at him like he is a fool before crazily communicating through their eyes as if having a rapid telepathic conversation. It is a testament of how used he is to the freakish display that he is not creeped out. 

After they have seemingly arrived at an agreement, they nod at each other before turning their attention back to Changbin. 

"Did you come here to gossip about Hyunjin? Really, Binnie? Let's go."

"I am concerned!”

"Why should you be concerned?" Jisung retorts as if it isn't obvious.

"Of course I am concerned when Hyunjin is so upset because of his—" His throat constricts. "—unrequited crush.”

“This is not the first time we have made sad songs, hyung. You know Hyunjin loves making ones even from the movies we watch.”

Minho shushes him. 

"Also, it’s ridiculous. Unrequited? Who could possibly reject our Hyunjin?" Minho continues with a disbelieving tone that is too dry to be believable.

"I considered that, but I don’t know. My gut feeling tells me the song is too personal. He said the song is personal! But then he said it’s just a concept. Maybe it's someone—who is not interested in him like that?" Changbin tries to reason, it falls flat even to his ears. Minho is unimpressed.

"He has many overseas schedules lately? Do you think it’s one of the models he met abroad?" Jisung quips helpfully.

“Well, the men are hot.” 

Changbin feels his eye twitching.

"I don't think it's someone he met in passing. Hyunjin is not like that."

"Oh, you know him so well, don't you?" Minho taunts.

"What are you implying?" Changbin asks levelly, but it does not manage to rid the smirk off Minho's face.

"Well, it's not like I know the problem of the song."

"Yeah—" Jisung agrees before shoving a bunch of noodles into his mouth.

Changbin narrows his eyes. "You know something,” he accuses, pointing with his chopsticks.

Jisung munches his noodles in rapid succession. "I don't! Even if I do, I won't tell you because I'm not a snitch."

"You are a snitch though," Minho argues for the sake of arguing.

"Not for this kind of matter."

"So there is a matter!" 

"Did you come here to ask us about who the song is about? If you don't know who it is, why do you think we would know anything?"

"Hannie knows something!"

"I'm not a snitch!" Jisung stresses again.

Perhaps Changbin has paused for way too long and it disturbs the house’s natural order, which is chaos. Minho taps his bowl with the chopstick before diverting his attention to Jisung. “You know something,” he presses to Jisung, who looks increasingly like a cornered hamster. “At least, let us know as concerned hyungs—Hyunjin has a crush on someone, correct?”

Jisung looks like he wants to jump off the balcony, Changbin almost pities him. “I won’t tell you who it is.”

“So there is someone,” Minho says sagely. Jisung’s outcry is quickly silenced with a glare. “How do you feel about that, Seo Changbin?”

“Is this an interrogation? I invoke my rights to remain silent.”

The sentence induces an epiphany for Jisung that he can, in fact, shut the fuck up.

Minho scoffs. “No fun. You are here. Might as well spill your guts. Cry a bit, I’ll even get the tissues. Let’s start with this: how do you feel about Hyunjin crushing on someone else?”

“He has the right to date whoever he wants.”

Minho makes a disgusted face. “Normative. Think deeper.”

“Feel deeper,” Jisung helps.

On any other days, having a reflective session with the most dangerous counselors of the group might not be his best idea, but does he have any other choice? Seungmin might say he has, actually, but there is no Kim Seungmin here to save him from terrible life choices.

“Well, hypothetically speaking, if Hyunjin has a crush on someone else, I want to support him, because he deserves to be happy,” Changbin finally says, with full, genuine conviction.

“Oh, you cannot be serious.” Pause. “Wait, he is actually serious?”

Jisung gasps, eyes teary. “That’s very sweet.”

“Why are we operating on the basis that I like Hyunjin?” he protests.

“You don’t?” Jisung asks, flabbergasted. “Even I had a crush on him!”

“I thought we established this since like… debut. Changbin just has not come into terms with it yet. Have you now?”

“Why do you talk as if you are not straight?”

“Who says I am?”

Changbin cannot argue with that. Jisung whistles just to make things worse. 

“Hyung, like I said, it's absolutely fine if you like Hyunjin! Take your time—it doesn't have to mean anything about your sexuality.”

“It does, Hannie,” Changbin says morosely. 

After they finish dinner, Jisung makes an excuse about a meeting. There is a look in his face that tells he is about to give Changbin a very mortifying welcome to the sexuality crisis club speech, but Minho pushes him to the door while making a shoo-ing motion. When Changbin gives him an affronted face, he just grins back in return, the creepy one.

"Don't worry too much, Bin. Our Hyunjin is a big boy."

Changbin sighs. "I know, hyung."

“Take your time then, at least with yourself,” Minho says. He sounds like he is talking to one of his cats, perhaps Changbin is currently in that level of competence.

Changbin does not go home, not immediately. Minho’s words linger, so instead, he drives his car towards the highway. He plays a playlist, his favorite comfort one, that is full of his favorite girl group songs from the second generation to the current rising stars. The night sky is of course polluted and without any moon, but Changbin doesn’t mind. 

When he reaches home, Hurt is still blasting from his speaker, he is almost ashamed to admit he kind of tears up while shouting the chorus.

He takes his time, locking the car carefully before walking very demurely, not wanting to disturb his roommate who must be asleep since it is two in the morning.

“Hyung?”

Or not.

“Hyunjin! Not asleep yet?” he greets but his earned ability to speak decides to completely poof out of the window when his gaze landed at the most beautiful boy in existence.

Hyunjin is half-sleeping on the sofa, almost reminiscent of himself yesterday. He is wearing a soft bathrobe; it must be a new one because Changbin has never seen it before. With years of being roommates, this is hardly the first time Hyunjin has decided to cast any decency and be delectable. His state is not even as outrageous as how some of the other members with less shame could be, but there was something—is it the way Hyunjin’s hair is curling after a shower? Is it the warm light from their European standing lamp that shone softly over his features? Changbin feels his mouth drying. 

This is the fault of that goddamn song. 

Wait—not goddamn. Sorry. The song is beautiful, Changbin is to blame for his own terrible turmoil. The awareness that perhaps his appreciation of Hyunjin's beauty is just not the consequence of having eyes but reflection of his desire to bone the guy. 

Maybe he is bisexual.

“...back so late. Hyung?”

“Yes?”

Hyunjin takes his time to roll his eyes very slowly.

“Sorry, I got distracted. What were you saying?”

“Where have you been?”

“Oh—um, I had dinner with Jisung and Minho-hyung. I promised a treat to them,” he lied, partly. “Then I drove around the city because the night is pretty.”

“Prettier than me?” Hyunjin asks.

It takes every ounce of self control within Changbin to not kiss the prettiest boy in front of him. 

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Hyunjin laughs before standing up from the sofa. “I haven’t seen you all day… so I waited for you.”

“I’m so sorry. You have an early schedule tomorrow, you should sleep,” he says, gently. 

“Alright,” Hyunjin says, but he does not move. 

“Hyunjin-ah?”

“Can I sleep with you again?” Hyunjin asks, almost shy, as if shyness still has any merit between the two of them.

But Changbin is a terrible man. “I haven’t showered and I’m dirty from the outside. Maybe another day?”

Hyunjin is quiet. “Okay.”

Changbin wants to punch himself. 

—

Perhaps, it started much, much earlier.

During his trainee days, Changbin had a girlfriend, once. 

It was an upperclassman and she was two centimeters taller than him with naturally brown eyes. He met her during orientation and his bumbling terrible jokes from nervousness was apparently enough to leave an impression. She was assertive so she approached him first, calling him cute and charming—hard to believe, really.

They were friends first. She showed him around the school, told him the nice teachers and the ones that he had better avoid. She was interested in hip hop too, so that was one other thing they bonded over. Occasionally, they would share their stories and hopes, of how competitive the trainee life could get, and how she wanted to study social science—against her parents’ wishes for her to do medicine.

“And I really can care less about biology,” she said. 

“I think you will do great doing what you like instead. I see you with your club, very dedicated.”

She asked him out, not long after that.

The thing was, dating was apparently not much different from friendship. They held hands, sometimes, but she was rather chaste and she had never shown an interest in showing further affection. Changbin did not push, it was fine, really. 

The other problem was that he did not feel like he was the best boyfriend that she deserved. They had been dating for two months, going on one of their occasional dates in between his packed schedule, when he finally asked her if the relationship was according to her expectation. He was not feeling insecure, but she was pretty and smart and he barely had any time to spare for her.

“I like us,” she said. “It’s perfect. My previous boyfriend has always been too much in my business,” she explained.

Well, he couldn’t argue with that. He liked her too, what was not to like? Perhaps it was not exactly love, but he was a teenager with a big dream to debut, falling in love was hardly a priority.

They went on dates only when her schedule did not interfere with training. Sometimes they texted, but not all day. Jisung found out in his third months of dating and he tried to tease him about it but later he complained about the lack of “romance” in his relationship. 

He didn’t mind, though? For a moment, he thought perhaps he was not that big of a romantic. 

It was not until the fourth month when she asked to meet in a restaurant that he often frequent, near the company’s building because otherwise he would not have been able to make it.

“I’m sorry, let’s break up,” she said.

He couldn’t say that he hadn’t seen this coming. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry, Changbin. You are very nice to me. It’s not you.”

He was about to argue that their relationship was not on that level for her to be spouting such a cliche excuse, but she beat him to that.

“There is someone else that I like,” she admitted.

It hurt, but he also thought he couldn’t hold it against her. She looked ashamed and scared, very remorseful. So, he shook his head.

“It’s fine, noona. Let’s stay friends?” he said, because he thought that was the thing she would want to hear.

So, that was his first relationship. When he told Jisung that he had broken up during the sleepover, the other boy looked very concerned. 

“You had a girlfriend?” Hyunjin interjected, surprised.

“It’s not that important, hence, I’m not too sad. Don’t worry!”

When he gave them a brief summary of what happened, Hyunjin and Jisung looked much more offended on his behalf.

“It’s definitely not you, hyung!” Jisung insisted. 

“Yeah, no way. You are a catch,” Hyunjin added. 

He thought they were being nice. On any other days, he would have picked on them or cracked a joke. 

It was not for another few months when he accidentally met his ex in one of the cafes near school, pink dusting her high cheekbones as she listened intently to another girl talking animatedly, that he realized that it was truly not him. 

When he told Hyunjin about the story during one of their juice dates, the other boy was quiet for a long time. 

Then he let out a huge, dramatic sigh. 

“Trust you to date someone who is not interested in men then laugh so positively about it.”

“As long as they are happy?”

“Are you not a little bit sad?”

“I was! It was not that big of a problem in the first place.”

“Trust you to be so unfazed about this too,” Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “But it's a good thing.”

“What do you mean?”

There was a guarded look, for a split second, that was quickly replaced by a smile. 

“Not everyone could be as perceptive and accepting. I guess she was really lucky it was you.”

He paused at the statement. That was a compliment, and he felt flattered, but Hyunjin looked quite serious, so again, he couldn’t exactly crack a joke. 

“Thank you?” he said instead. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. I guess, I’m glad it worked out because I felt quite guilty during the entirety of the relationship.”

“Why?”

“I mean—I was not the best boyfriend? We are busy, you know. I barely had any time to spare for her,” he said with a wry smile. 

Changbin stopped to look at the sky—it was blue and clear on that day, reflecting his state of mind. Hyunjin walked in front of him, the sunlight providing a sentimental touch. He stopped when he realized Changbin was not following, but he said nothing.

Changbin continued, “I think I also felt guilty because I didn’t think I liked her like that.”

Hyunjin raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever liked anyone, hyung?” 

Changbin considered the question carefully. “I guess? I find a lot of people attractive.”

“Not just like that, you know. Maybe you think they are attractive, but you also want to spend a lot of time with them. They make your heart beat faster, you feel happy and excited to be around them,” Hyunjin said, almost wistful. He slowed down for a moment. “Someone that doesn't make you feel scared. Someone that makes you want to sacrifice a lot of things for.”

“You sound like you are speaking from experience. That's very romantic.”

Hyunjin visibly blushed. “Maybe.”

“Hyunjinnie! Let hyung know who the lucky girl is! Aish, I have told you a lot, but you haven't done the same.”

Hyunjin scoffed at the statement, using his long legs to put a distance between them without looking back. Changbin laughed at the cute reaction, but the statement lingered. 

Was that how other people thought liking someone was like? 

—

He wakes up feeling terrible, bits of past memories from his dream and the current situation at hand mixing together, yet he makes it a mission again to avoid Hyunjin. 

It’s not hard with the way their schedule mismatch. Changbin wakes up early, rushing immediately to the company where he hides himself in the studio. He puts on the headphone and opts to ignore Chan’s worried glances for the sake of writing lyrics. Terrible lyrics, really, he mourns as he stares at the crumpled piece of paper. 

This is unlike him. 

The thing is, Changbin has always been a person who is very assured of himself—he prides himself in it, even. That’s his entire brand. He knows what he wants, he knows where he stands with things. He knows his strengths, his weaknesses, where he has to improve, even his own insecurities. Having awareness and acknowledging even the ugly truths are important. Otherwise, what’s the use of ruminating things that can be changed if you have the guts to act.

So, of course, he thought of himself as someone with self-awareness about his own… feelings and emotions. This one is definitely arrogance but he used to think that perhaps his quarter life crisis wouldn’t be so bad.

(It’s bad.) 

He is not against this sexuality discovery journey. What bothers him is the fact that he is quite possibly also in love with his best friend, and if that is true, then he has been acting like a fool for years.

Hyunjin [02:03 PM]

Hyung

Are you gonna come home late

He sees it through the notification and seeing is all he does.

He comes back at midnight again. Thankfully, Hyunjin is not in the living room this time around and the door to his room is closed. He lets out a sigh of relief that he regrets right after, but he still goes to his room without knocking on Hyunjin’s. When he closes his own door, his chest constricts with guilt. 

He doesn’t sleep well again.

The next morning, Hyunjin is about to fly overseas for a schedule. When Changbin wakes up to prepare for his own agenda, he can hear their manager urging Hyunjin to hurry for the flight.

Yet when he sneaks out of his room for a quick breakfast, his beautiful roommate is still waiting for him, leaning near the hallway. He is dressed in a very simple attire, black shirt, black pants, earring dangling from both ears. 

“I’m going, hyung.”

The worst part is, Changbin finds it hard to meet his eyes, so he says a very clipped: “Safe flight.”

Hyunjin’s face falls, obvious even to the bird passing by.

“Did I do something wrong?” Hyunjin asks.

Changbin gapes at the question. His gaze drops at their manager who is also gaping at the sudden turn of events. Oh shit.

“Hyunjin-ah, your flight is soon.”

“It’s not for another three hours,” Hyunjin cuts. “Is something wrong? Am I being too sensitive? I feel like you have been weird for the past two days.”

“That’s soon. I have been busy—” 

“That’s a lie,” Hyunjin cuts him again. “Is it because I slept in your room the other day? But it’s not the first time—did I talk in my sleep?” 

The manager slowly slinks himself outside of the door, eyes sending stern signals for Changbin to resolve this quickly.

“Hyunjin, there is nothing wrong with you,” Changbin says.

Hyunjin takes a step forward and, on reflex, Changbin takes a step back.

Shit.

“I see.”

“Your flight,” he says, voice soft tinged with desperation. 

“Fine,” Hyunjin retorts, harshly. He turns his back. “See you, hyung.”

The door closes with a soft click, terrifying Changbin to the bones.