Chapter Text
About half an hour later, Danny found himself standing up behind the podium.
“Well,” Danny sighed, “It seems it is traditional for the host city to give a quick introduction to the Police Force. As the newest organization involved in Law Enforcement in Hawaii, Five-Oh has been chosen to give you a brief overview of itself. And as the De-Facto Second in the Command this duty has fallen to me.
“My boss may regret this, as we are currently arguing.”
There was some quiet snorting from the back of the room.
“And for the comedians on the HPD at the back of the room, I heard that.” Danny continued, “I do know that the common opinion is that Steve and I are always arguing, but never mind.
“Five-Oh was founded about… Four years ago. Sorry, had to stop and figure it out by my daughter’s age. We are the Governor’s Task Force. Our duties cover anything the Governor believes is in our purview or that we believe we should be dealing with. So that means everything political, potentially embarrassing, a threat to the Islands or time sensitive. This means we have dealt with everything. You name it, we’ve done it. Vice. Theft. Homicide. Fraud. Kidnapping. Trafficking. Terrorism. With that as our remit, you’d expect us to be a reasonable sized department. Let’s run through our formation…
“The Late Governor Pat Jameson decided to establish a Task Force. She approached Lieutenant Commander Steven McGarrett, of the United States Navy Seals, to ask him to head the Task Force. At that time, it had no name. She offered him full immunity and means. I would like to make that point again; she asked a Navy Seal. A man with no knowledge of police procedure or regulations. A man with fire and determination and drive; and no self-control.
“I met him not long afterwards; we drew guns on each other. No, I am not joking. We had a Mexican standoff over the hood of a car. I had cause. He was contaminating my crime scene. In his defense, it was his house. But still, crime scene. And he was trying to take evidence away from it. It wasn’t relevant evidence. It wasn’t important evidence. But we didn’t know that at the time. Eventually we both produced our IDs and lowered our guns. But it was still my crime scene and he didn’t want to leave.
“So he whipped out his phone and phoned the Governor. Then he got himself sworn in over the phone. Over the fricking phone! In his garage. He then declared it was his crime scene. Gave me a smug little grin and walked off with the evidence. I had to phone HPD to check that he wasn’t bluffing. Turns out he wasn’t. So I left.
“I mean, I get it. The crime was personal. International criminal kills your father, yeah, you’re going to want to get involved. Especially when you were on the phone to him at the time. But there was no need for such a move. Besides he had no idea what he was doing. Yes, his dad had been a cop. But my dad’s a firefighter, that doesn’t mean I know how to fight a fire like he does.
“Steve must have figured that out, because he turned up on my doorstep. He looked like a drowned rat. It was raining. Yes, it does rain out here. This isn’t paradise, ladies and gentlemen; it just looks like it.”
It was clear to see that the presenter wanted to interrupt Danny. But the Detective had such a flow and rhythm to his speech that it was impossible to do so.
“Turns out that he couldn’t figure out why I had requested a wire on a seemingly random person. So he needed my help. He then pressganged me into the Task-Force. And I do mean pressganged. I didn’t get a choice in the matter. He wanted the man who killed his father and I was the only one who had gotten anywhere.
“We went to talk to my lead. A known arms dealer. Without back-up. I did suggest it. But he said I was his back-up. Then he just charged in. I got shot and shot our lead dead. In order to keep the Neanderthal Seal alive, I might point out. Then he goes and yells at me. Furious because I saved his life. So we started yelling at each other. He twisted my arm up behind my back. I punched him.
“Never let it be said I don’t give as good as I get. He got me shot on my first day in this job. And didn’t even bother apologizing until I pointed it out to him that it was necessary. I mean you get someone shot, you apologize; it’s one of the unwritten rules that separates us from jackals and hyenas.
“With our lead dead, we had to look for other options. And we had a small one with the knowledge that an internationally hunted criminal cannot simply jump on a plane. He needed smuggling onto the Island. In order to find out who though, we needed a local informant. A CI. But I didn’t have one. Still don’t. I’m a Haole. They’re not gonna tell me anything. And Steve hadn’t been on the Island for years.
“So that meant we needed someone else to ask our questions. And Steve knew just who to ask.
“Detective Lieutenant Chin Ho Kelly was, at the time, working as a rent-a-cop. Despite being a highly talented and dedicated officer, he had fallen foul of IA. The accusations were unfounded, incorrect and completely ridiculous to anyone who actually knew the man. But we all know mud sticks. Particularly when it’s thrown by IA.
“Chin had seen the writing on the wall. Seen his once true friends turn away from him. He knew it was only time before he called for back-up and no one came. And every cop knows that’s when someone gets hurt. Or worse killed. Chin walked away before it was him. Or worse an innocent.
“He did what any good cop would do. There’s no chance of transferring to a different precinct out here. The coconut wireless spreads word faster than you would think. He was blacklisted.
“Steve hadn’t been around for the mud throwing. What he knew about Chin was that the man had been a good and loyal partner to his father. Steve wanted him. Chin tried to turn it down. Gave the reason that he couldn’t because of the accusation. Steve asked only one question: ‘Did you do it?’. The answer was negative. So Steve pressed him. Gave him his ticket back into the game.
“Chin knows the Islands. He found us an informant and information very quickly. Although that was probably the weirdest payment I have given to an informant in a very long time. He gave us a name. The biggest people trafficker on the Island. Only no one could prove anything. We needed him to give up the international criminal. For that we needed leverage. We needed something on him.
“Cue the fastest undercover op in existence. But there was a problem with that. Every cop on the Island we had access to at short notice was known. We couldn’t use Chin, he was too well known. Couldn’t use Steve or myself. He looks like a Haole. And I am a Haole. We needed a new face. But we couldn’t use a civilian. That’s not our way.
“Chin knew someone though. About to graduate the Academy. Only a week left. We offered her some extra credit. And thus Office Kono Kalakua joined us. A pretty face. A very good looking body. And enough chutzpah in her for the whole Island. I would like to point out that she has a boyfriend. And can kick most of your backsides.
“Needless to say, with a fresh face we were able to get the information we wanted. We found out how the international criminal was leaving the Islands. So Steve decided it would be a good idea to crash a car onto the ship in question. I think that bears repeating. He crashed a car onto a ship. And not an American ship. I think it was Chinese.
“I won’t say the case had a satisfying outcome. The criminal went overboard, with bullets in him, yet survived and got away. We did eventually catch up with him. But that was months later.
“What was satisfactory was the formation of the Task Force. We weren’t exactly what I think the Governor was after, but we were what she got. A Navy Seal. A disgraced Detective. A Rookie. And a Haole. We have had changes in our formulation. But we’ve always returned to how we stood after that first case. The Neanderthal Seal. The Local Detective. The Talented Rookie. The Haole. There are others who have honorary inclusion in our Task Force. Max, the ME. And Charlie from the CSU. Also my daughter, who appears to have become the team’s mascot. And is here for ‘Take Your Child to Work Day’, just in case any of you wonder what is going on. Any questions?”
“What’s a Haole?” The cry came from one table.
“It’s derived from Ha’ole,” Danny replied quickly, “Ancient Hawaiian word which roughly translates to ‘No Breath’. It was used to describe non-Hawaiians. There are some that say it was used because they didn’t know or use the greeting where you basically swap breath. Thus meaning that they were breathless or lifeless, with no spirit within them. A secondary meaning is thief. These days it is used in two ways, either to describe someone as Caucasian or as a Mainlander. It can be used either as a descriptive term, a statement of fact or as an insult. When it comes to myself, it’s usually used as an insult. Unless you’re talking to Kamekona who runs the Shrimp Truck when it’s just what he calls me. You may have heard of ‘Kill the Haole Day’, which occurs on the last day of school before summer. Nothing happens. Trust me on that one.”
“What’s it like working with a Seal?”
“Difficult.” Danny sighed, “Took me nearly a month to teach him how to book someone. Though he has finally got it down. Christmas last year he managed to book a car-jacker who thought it would be a good idea to car-jack him and his Navy girlfriend. However the nose-ring was checked into evidence separately.”
A chorus of laughter met that declaration.
“Right,” Danny continued after waiting for the laughter to die down, “As no-one seems to be stepping forward to carry this conference forward, I’ll carry on.
“The Guns and Ammo section will be departing from the foyer in about fifteen minutes. If you’re not sure where that is, follow the Army Neanderthal.”
“Navy Seal!” Steve fired back to another round of laughter.
“Kono,” Danny pointed at the Rookie, “You’re to stop him from blowing everything up. If he gets hold of a grenade I will be very disappointed in you.
“Meanwhile, here there is a workshop on Profiling. Otherwise known as “When to throw in the town and call in the BAU”. Also including hints and tips on how to not miff them off. Main things to remember: the skinny, lanky runaway from a College Campus is Doctor Reid. He has an IQ higher than the top speed on my Camaro. The next thing is that the woman with the fuzzy pens, a flirtatious manner and enough technology to make a technophobe break the four-minute mile is an ex-blackhat hacker. She can make your life a living hell if she feels like she has a reason. Finally, they may be Fibbies but they do get it. They have a former Chicago cop.
“Back to the schedule. It’s fend for yourself for lunch, although there is a buffet available back here should you wish.
“The afternoon has the option of an island tour, including the HPD and possibly 5-0. It depends on how the time and traffic goes.
“Tomorrow we have Advanced Interrogation Techniques; AKA, how to get the intel you want-slash-need without using a shark cage, tall building, car or hand-grenade.”
“You used that?” Someone was aghast.
“Not in the same case.” Danny reassured, “And at the time we had Means and Immunity. We no longer have such loose reigns. Also, no-one was actually put in danger at any point.
“I have a note here that Detective Regan is to be reminded that for him this is not an optional workshop.”
“Says who?”
“All it says is ER.”
“Erin!”
“Take it up with her, Regan.” Danny fired back, “At the same time is Subduing Techniques; AKA, a massive testosterone competition fest, where the women will completely destroy us.”
“You know it!”
“In the afternoon, we have Snitch Management. Officially called Communication with CIs. Detective Lassiter, your attendance is also noted as mandatory.”
“He is a fraud! And I will prove it!”
“Moving on,” Danny smothered a snigger, “The Explosives Improvised and Otherwise Workshop also occurs at this time. And if anyone sees the techs running do try to keep up.
“In the evening, we have a traditional Luau. For the uninformed, that means it’s the Islands’ version of a bbq with Hula girls. Again, my daughter will be in attendance for the start along with some other HPD brats; so try not to scare them too badly. Though they will be leaving about halfway through, so we can have the traditional competition to see who has the best War story.
“Next morning is up at Oh-dark hundred for Sports Day. May I suggest copious amounts of coffee, earplugs and shades. Coco Puffs are food from the Gods. Particularly for breakfast. So ask Chin where to get them.
“We culminate with another drinking party. So we can drown our sorrows or celebrate our victories.
“The next day we have a morning session on the Work-Life Balance; AKA, how to leave the work at work and the home at home. Or how not to ruin your marriage and relationships. No Regans invited.”
“Hey!”
“Your family gets it!” Danny fired back.
“Does it cover what to do if your ex is your Captain?”
“Ex-boyfriend, Diamond?” Danny pressed.
“Ex-husband!”
“Didn’t know you’d divorced him.” Danny sounded surprised, “Catch me later for a commiseration drink. When’d he become your Captain?”
“The day he finally signed the papers!”
“Right.” Danny made a decision, “Everybody buy Diamond a round at some point. The twins alright?”
“Hell-monsters!”
“Carrying on, opposite the Work-Life Balance we have the Forensics section. Otherwise known as “How not to muck up the Forensics so the CSIs curse your name for the next year!”. For further instructions, may I suggest chatting with the CSIs presents?
“In the afternoon, there is a session on Cyber Crimes and You. A must for the technologically minded. Though I suspect most of it will go way over my head. I’m an old-fashioned cop.
“At the same time, there is the Advanced Guns and Ammo session. Again, Kono, if the Neanderthal blows anything up, I am holding you partially responsible.
“The next morning, we have the Maths of Crime… Did you manage to get Professor Epps for this? Please tell me you got Epps for this…”
Danny had turned to face the people in charge. One of them shakily nodded in reply.
“Great!” Danny turned back to the attendants, “So I advise everyone to come to that talk. I know it sounds really boring and pointless and over your heads… But Professor Charles Epps is the best speaker around. He can bring high level CalSci Maths down to our level. And it works! I’m serious, I’ve heard him before. Okay, fair warning his brother is a Fibbie, but don’t hold that against him. He’s helped cops too. Though I would love to hear the pitch his brother gave to get him on that first case. Especially since it was such a high profile one.
“The afternoon is free time again. For those of you who are interested, it coincides with a surfing competition. I know Kono will be going. Apparently surfing is like their NFL.
“On the last day, it is a full day of the Terrorism seminar-slash-workshop. Attendance mandatory. That’s followed by the Leaving Dinner and we all go home after that.
“Now for you newcomers here, a brief highlight of some of the old hands. From New York, we have Detective Danny Regan; yes, he is one of those Regans. We also have Detective Laura Diamond, capable of identifying any location in New York from only the scantest of sensory clues. Detective Mac Taylor of the New York Crime Lab is also present, Master of the Civilised Lie.
“From New Jersey, we have my old boss, Muhammed Robinson, brilliant at the political side of policing, but he’s not a politician. Trust me on that. He’s still giving me hell for one of my screw ups, but supporting me at the same time.
“From Miami, we have Lieutenant Horatio Caine, AKA H, of the Crime Lab once again. However, of more interest is Calleigh Duquesne. She may be a pretty face, but she is dating a fellow CSI, who also happens to be Caine’s brother-in-law. That being said, she doesn’t need to be protected, because she is Miami’s ballistic forensic specialist. So, she knows how to shoot, very, very well.
“Vegas have helpfully sent Lab Director Willows. What she doesn’t know about hotels and casinos isn’t worth knowing. Also, Greg Sanders, the best DNA guy in the business. Currently working on his blood splatter.
“LA have sent Lieutenant Gary Walker. Specializing in Gang Violence and Organized Crime.
“Chicago is represented by the Two Rays and a Canadian Mountie, by the name of Fraser. I will not go into the details as to why. Ask them. It’s a long story. And I hope you three remembered to leave the deaf wolf at home.
“Philly have sent Rush and Vallens. Specialists in Cold Cases. All credit to them, those are not easy, as we all know.
“If there are other highlights, I’m not aware of you yet. Would love to meet you and get the gossip.
“That appears to be everything. So, enjoy the conference. And Aloha.”
Danny walked back to 5-0’s table and sat down.
“Thank you, Danny.” One of the presenters got up, “Good to see you haven’t lost your touch… Or your gift of the gab. As the Jersey Devil, I hope you have inflicted hell on Hawaii’s criminal elements. As he said the Guns and Ammo will be leaving in ten minutes now. Enjoy the conference. Aloha and dismissed.”
There was a moment’s pause before noise broke out again.
“Why did we not know about the Jersey Devil nickname?” Chin asked with a huge grin on his face, “And how does he know you?”
“I’ve been a regular at these things for years.” Danny shrugged, “And I network well.”
“Jersey Devil?” Chin pressed again.
“Old nickname.” Danny dismissed it, “Hangover from the Academy. You know how things like that go.”
“What was that whole thing about Regans?” Kono put in.
“You’ve not heard of them?” Danny cocked an eyebrow, “Steve not getting it I can understand… Well, you Islanders are pretty insular… You know how some people say their family has blue blood?”
“Sure.” Steve nodded.
“Well, the Regan’s blood is NYPD Blue.” Danny explained.
“So, like me and Chin then.” Kono smiled, “Only you know, New York.”
“No.” Danny shook his head, “There’s cop families. Then there’s the Regans. Danny Regan is the Detective. His brother, Joe, died on the job. His youngest brother, Jamie, is a Beat Cop. His sister, Erin, is with the DA’s office. His dad, Francis? He’s the PC. And his grandpa used to be the PC. So no, Kono… They’re not like you and Chin.”
“Telling tales, Williams?” A man was leaning over Danny.
“Just giving the Rookie the rundown on your family, Regan.” Danny fired back, “Anyone else sign up when I wasn’t watching?”
“My niece has expressed firm interest, much to my sister’s displeasure, and my eldest doesn’t seem to think he has a choice in the matter.” Regan shrugged, “And you?”
“Not yet decided,” Grace spoke up, “Danno would rather I didn’t.”
“I can understand why.” Regan smiled at her, “Look at you! You’re growing fast. I hope you remembered my tips, Williams.”
“Has your sister found out about them yet?” Danny fired back.
“Some.” Regan declared, “Catch up later?”
“Sure.” Danny nodded.
“How many people here do you know?” Steve asked.
“Less than I’d like to.” Danny shrugged, “I’ll probably gain a few contacts through the week.”