Chapter Text
Jim Has a Bearded Spock Flashback and Hawkeye Hails the Enterprise
“Red alert, Red alert, all crew man your battle stations. Man your battle stations. Captain Kirk and Commander Spock to the bridge. Captain Kirk and Commander Spock to the bridge.”
Jim Kirk woke up to the ship shaking like the Klingon he had molested with tribbles. He plopped out of bed, hair a vision of usual, inexplicable perfection and answered Uhura’s call.
“Kirk here, on my way.”
Spock was already bending over his scanner as the Captain exited the turbolift. Jim beheld this sight fondly and somewhat obviously, then took his seat.
“Readings, Mister Spock.”
“An ion-magnetic storm of great intensity, Captain, however a solar flare has disrupted the field further and opened what appears to be a sizable rift. The Enterprise is being pulled into it.”
Well, mornings weren’t really mornings unless they were being sucked into a rift or being thrown back in time to the 1960s.
“Scotty, full reverse power. Give it everything you’ve got.”
“I’m givin’ her wellie lad, but it’d take more power than’s worth talkin’ aboot t’ even bring her to a standstill!” Distinctly Scottish button-mashing could be heard faintly in the distance.
“Spock, speculation on where this thing leads?” Kirk looked up at the Vulcan and his devastating eyebrows. Some people genuflected before their power and beauty.
“I believe it is a similar situation to what happened when we were discussing trading dilithium with the Halkans.” The Bearded Spock Incident where Chekov had tried to assassinate him and Uhura had nearly stabbed Sulu. How could Jim ever forget that alternative universe adventure. “The only diverging factor is that this time, a physical rift has manifested due to the high energy in the solar flare. If the situation is the same, logically we are being drawn into another Universe.”
Ooh, Jim loved it when Spock got all logical with him. Which was always. But he did not let anything show on his mask of keen, heroic concentration.
“Uhura, put me on shipwide intercom.”
“Done, sir.”
“All personnel, this is the Captain speaking.” He was reminded vaguely of one particularly wild Jaegerbomb Tuesday where he had opened the shipwide intercom, yelled ‘AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING’ and then drunkenly sung ‘and this is your Captain singing’ and then beatboxed in Morse code ‘this is your captain beatboxing’. He would have managed quite a few more variations if Chekov had not run in, screaming and clad only in the Russian flag, and tackled him out of the chair with the battle-cry ‘For ze Motherland!’. “We are being pulled into what we can only assume is an alternate reality. The last time I visited one, it was particularly dangerous. We all must be prepared for anything, and remember – even while we are not within our own Universe, we are Starfleet officers. We will stick to our directives and morals with our lives as we have always done. Kirk out.”
“Captain, we will enter the rift in 30 seconds. 29….28…” Sulu began a somewhat cheerful countdown. That wasn’t really a good sign. Jim had noticed that the more glee in Sulu’s countdowns, the worse off he perceived the situation to be. And on a scale from dully bored to ecstatic this was in the middle.
“All crew, brace for turbulence in 30 seconds.” Uhura took hold of the desk. Spock frowned slightly. It seemed illogical that Starfleet had not issued seatbelts for the bridge at least. Perhaps it was because the petakov Captain of this particular vessel seemed partial to being thrown around. A piece of information he had in store for…………later.
“3….2….1….”
* * *
“Hawkeye, we need you up on 6th!” The patriotic voice of the star spangled man with a plan came through the earpiece. “Distract Loki with whatever you can while Thor digs himself out of the pavement.”
“Copy that.” Whoo, time to jump off another building. Clint Barton set a grappling arrow to the string and did what he called ‘a Spiderman’ towards where all the screaming people were heading away from. “Aaaah, I’m a screaming person running away! Everything is so scary!!”
He mimicked to himself and he glided through the air like a giant, hawk-like man. Oh and look, there was the god of Being a Pain in the Ass himself. Loki was standing atop a building shooting green laser power at a blackened crater into the tarmac, which could only be his big bro Thor. Jeez, Asgardians sure had a weird way of showing brotherly love.
“Hey, Horny!” A fist arrow smacked the pale weirdo right in the chops. Hawkeye let out a very manly giggle. Man did he love it when those things worked.
“Who dares – “ Loki turned on him. Whoop, he didn’t want to become a blackened crater. He dove behind an air con unit like a crash-landing hawk. It exploded in a flash of green. Where was the big green guy when you needed him? Sent off into the river by MODOK’s forehead blasts, that’s where. Yeah, Loki had disguised himself as Widow and stolen an arc reactor from one of Tony’s suits. Why? Who the heck knew! But knowing that sly dog, nothing good. Hawkeye turned and fired an explosive, just to see a furious Norse God flying toward him. A normal Thursday afternoon then.
“Any time you’re ready to bring back up my way, I’d be glad guys!” The archer did a flip to avoid being served up on some Asgardian table as extra crispy hawk meat. Calls came in saying ‘busy’ ‘HULK SWIMMING’ and a Nordic moan. “Captain - ”
Hakweye fired a net arrow, which Loki disintegrated with a blast, and jumped up on to a ledge as a great big hammer came soaring towards them both. He felt like a frickin Star Trek officer, talking to people who might as well be in orbit, they were that far away. Sometimes Thor was in orbit.
Mjolololol or whatever it was smacked Loki into a wall, giving the archer a 5 second breather.
“Captain! Captain Kirk. Star trek, is this Star Trek?” The highly serious super Avenger who had marathoned the Original Star Trek twice in the last six months really just couldn’t resist. He did not see the energy beam headed for him until it was almost too late. With another graceful, bird-like dive, his pants got singed and something knocked his earpiece. “Enterprise, this is an emergency. I am about to have my ass handed to me here. Beam me up, Scotty!”
“I have you now, you pesky archer!” Hawkeye felt his limbs go rigid as green magic surrounded them. Seriously, what the heck was keeping Thor in that crater so long, and where was Widow??
What he didn’t know was that the bump against the wall and turned his earpiece on.
What he also didn’t know was that somebody in orbit had indeed heard him.
