Chapter Text
Quick question.
What does it mean to be.. angry?
Or sad? Or.. depressed, honestly?
Because I sure as hell wouldn't know.
Or- at least, I don't think I would.
I'm not trying to say that I'm always happy and stuff. Because I'm not- of course I'm not! I'm a human! And humans have feelings and thoughts and emotions. Unless you're a psychopath or whatever. I think Rui mentioned that once or twice, but I forgot. It was a long time ago, anyway.
All that aside, the reason I'm asking this isn't so I can flaunt. It's so I can understand what's going on right now.
Is this what it means to 'wake up on the wrong side of the bed'? But if you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, wouldn't you want to get out? Get on the so-called 'right side'?
Because...
I can't.. move.
I can't get out of my bed.
Is it paralysis or something like that? No, I don't think so. I just.. can't bring myself to move.
I can't bring myself to get out of bed, and I don't know why.
I've been awake for a while, that's for sure. Ever since the sun began to rise, in fact. I saw it from the corner of my eyes when I first woke up.
And now it's bright and sunny. And I'm stuck here, in bed.
I've shifted a few times, yeah. Changed positions, tossed and turned and whatever. But every time I looked down at the wooden floorboards below my bed, I couldn't help but feel sick.
I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to stand on it.
I didn't want to get out of bed.
And I still don't. And I don't know why.
If I know that I should get out of bed, why can't I just do that? Why don't I have the energy to get up? It's not even comfortable anymore, I'm just lying here doing nothing.
So.. that's my current predicament.
I can't get out of bed.
I don't have the energy to get out of bed.
But if I said it was just that, I'd be lying. I'd be dead wrong, because that's not the only problem.
I'm trying to find out what I'm feeling right now. What emotions are running through my mind and causing this.
I take a deep breath, narrowing my eyes.
Something is wrong.
I don't feel good. That's the problem.
Not in a physical way, but.. something emotionally. I can't pinpoint what it is, and it's hard for me to. I can't tell what this feeling is supposed to be.
I can't discern the meaning behind the tightness in my chest. I can't understand why it feels like my lungs are being squeezed. I can't find out the source of the weight pushing me down, I can't discover why my body feels so empty and heavy.
I don't know what these mean. Are these supposed to be symptoms of something?
Am I sad?
Am I angry?
Am I... something else? What even is this supposed to be?
Is it a mix of being both mad and sad? Disgruntled, frustrated, disappointed...
..Smad?
No, no. That's not even a real word. Idiot. Get your head together, there are things you need to do.
Right.
Speaking of things...
I really do have things I need to get to.
I planned to clean my room today.
I have practice with Wonderlands x Showtime at noon today.
I promised to cook dinner with Saki today.
I planned a movie night for my family today.
I have things to do.
So.. I have to get up.
...I have to get up.
My heart pounds, I can hear it thump in my ears. Once more, I breathe out shakily, my lungs pushing out all of the air inside and constricting my chest painfully.
I have to get up.
Why won't my body listen to me?
It's not hard.
It's not hard at all to just.. get up. To sit up, stretch, get out of bed.
Fix my bed. Do my skincare. Eat breakfast. Clean my room. Go outside and practice with the troupe. Visit SEKAI. Play with the plushies. Go bird-watching with Rin and Leon. Go back home. Cook dinner with Saki. Eat with the family. Make some popcorn. Sit on the couch. Watch movies and have fun. Do my nightly routine. Go back to sleep.
Not hard.
It isn't hard. I've done it countless times. So why can't I even go through with the first damn step to every single person's morning? Am I just that incompetent, am I weak? Am I stupid? Am I sick?
..No, I don't feel bad. I'm not sick. I don't feel like puking or throwing up. I'm fine.
...I'm fine, so why does my body refuse to just.. move?
Am I just deluding myself? Maybe I don't want to get out of bed. Maybe I just want to sleep for a little while longer.
...
My chest hurts.
I switch positions again, covering myself with my blanket. This isn't right. I know it isn't.
But I can't do anything about it.
My stomach grumbles.
I hear faint footsteps approach my room. With each step, they get louder and louder. Someone's coming up to visit me.
"...Big bro?" A familiar, feminine voice calls out. "Are you awake?"
I bite my lip.
No, Saki shouldn't be here. She was supposed to have practice with Leo/Need. Or maybe it wasn't time yet. I don't know. I can't see any clock or anything anyway.
My chest bubbles with a new, strange feeling.
I can't tell, I don't know what it is.
But something about Saki just.. being here feels wrong.
I don't.. know why I feel this way.
But I can't help but want Saki to leave. Leave me alone.
Go away.
I sink into the already flattened pillow, curling in on myself. I don't feel like talking.
"Hey...." Saki sings, drawing out her words. "You there, big bro~?"
No response.
I don't feel like talking.
I know it's rude. I know I shouldn't do this, but I just don't want to.
I don't want to talk to Saki right now. I don't need her helping me. I can get out of bed myself.
Saki steps closer. She bends down, leaning over me.
"Hellooo? Tsukasa?"
Ignoring the small side of me that wants to leap into her arms and yell "GOOD MORNING, SAKI!!!" at the loudest possible volume, I instead cover my face with the blankets.
"Go away, Saki..."
Saki frowns.
"Well, that's not very like you.." She mumbles under her breath. She kneels down, poking my cheek. "Are you feeling alright, big bro? Did something happen?"
I groan, reaching over to swat Saki's hand away. Why can't she just leave..?
Saki's breath noticeably hitches.
"Big bro.." She begins carefully, "Are you okay?"
"Just leave me alone," I grumble. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make myself as small as possible in my bed. Saki sighs, clicking her tongue.
"Tsukasa." She repeats, voice firm and laced with concern. "Are you okay?"
It's like those expressions in cartoons or whatever. The ones where the character's veins start popping out because they're angry. That might just be me right now.
I just want her to get out of my face already. I don't want Saki here right now, why can't she just understand that-?!
"I'm in a bad mood," I spit out, huffing. "Just leave."
"Well, that's not good!" Saki pouts, shaking her head. "Do you need anything? I can bring you breakfast if you want! I made some french toast and scrambled eggs!"
After being met with silence, Saki hums. She's not giving up that easily, of course she won't. She's determined, after all.
Which is really unfortunate, because of course she wouldn't give up. But this isn't what I need nor want from her right now! I just want to be left alone, can't she understand that?'
"Do you need to talk?" Saki offers kindly. Once again, she reaches out, much to my chagrin. "I don't have practice until a bit later, so maybe we can just talk for a while-"
Jesus christ! What the hell is wrong with her..?!
Despite my better judgement, I grit my teeth in annoyance, impulsively lashing out.
"I said NO, Saki-!" I cry out. I shove her away, groaning angrily as I squeeze my eyes shut in frustration. "Go away! Leave me alone, I don't WANT you here, I wish you would just LEAVE ME ALONE-!!"
"Ah-!"
All of a sudden, a strange, buzzing noise fills my ears. An irritating static, gaining volume slowly until I cover my ears.
And then, it muffles, and slowly goes away.
Teeth gritted and eyes still shut, I can't help but wonder what that strange noise was. Maybe it was all in my head-?
Slowly, I open my eyes. I glance over to where Saki stood, and quickly discover that..
She's gone.
She's disappeared.
She left me alone.
...
I narrow my eyes, sighing.
Good. I didn't want her here right now, anyway. She probably just left early or something. Maybe that strange noise was the door closing shut.
...Deep inside, I know that I shouldn't have lashed out.
But I'm in a bad mood. What else do you expect me to do?
Realizing that I'm alone in the house now, I take a deep breath.
The bed is getting annoying now. It's not comfortable anymore.
Slowly, I roll over to the edge, staring downwards at the wooden floorboards.
I..
I have to get out. I should look around and find something to make me feel better.
It's not good that I feel this way. I should find a way to get rid of it.
Get up.
Get up, I say to myself, still staring at the floor.
Get up.
Get up. You have to get up.
You're better than this.
You aren't pathetic. You aren't depressed. Just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, is all.
You'll get out of bed, and you'll go eat breakfast. Go do something to make you feel better.
That's it.
That's all you have to do.
That's all I have to do.
I just need to..
Get up.
Gathering all the strength I can find within myself at the moment, I push myself upwards, taking a deep, long breath.
Sitting up.
Sitting up, now.
That's good. That's something.
I dangle my legs over the edge of the bed, biting my lip.
I wonder what's up with me today.
I wonder what's wrong with me.
I'm better than this.
I shouldn't have lashed out at Saki.
Maybe she's still here.
Maybe I can apologize.
"...Saki?"
My voice echoes throughout the unsettlingly empty house.
"Saki," I speak out again, "Are you still there?"
There's no reply. The silence instills itself in my body, my chest tightening as my breath hitched for a split second.
I put a hand against my beating heart.
Stop.
Stop. Calm down. You're fine.
You can.. you can fix things later.
It's whatever.
It was Saki's fault for provoking me, anyway.
She should've just left me alone when I asked the first time.
This is her fault. She brought that upon herself.
She.. she should be apologizing to me.
Not the other way around.
I shouldn't be thinking like this.
This isn't my fault.
I'll just wait for her to come back home.
In the meantime... I'll make something.
I slowly stand up, taking a few steps forward to look back at my bed. I stumble over my own feet once or twice.
My bed.
Safe.
Comfortable.
..Kind of.
I'm out of it now.
I won't go back in.
I won't touch it.
..I don't feel like fixing it right now. I'll do it later.
I walk downstairs, almost tripping again and falling all the way down. I hate these stupid fucking stairs.
There's something about the empty house that makes me feel uneasy. Something doesn't seem right.
...Something tells me that Saki didn't just.. leave the house like that.
Did she disappear? Did I make her disappear?
No, no.
That can't be right. How would that even work? She probably just left.
Good.
Good, good, good.
However she did it, and wherever she went, at least she was gone.
...At least Saki was gone.
And at least I'm alone.
See, see, that's good. This is good. I can focus on myself now.
I don't need Saki.
I don't need anyone.
I just need myself. I can make myself feel better. I don't need help from anyone.
From upstairs, I hear a loud BANG. I jolt in surprise, gasping and whipping my head around towards the source of the noise.
It's Saki's door.
BANG
BANG
BANG
BANG
I frown, stepping backwards.
Is Saki still here, after all?
But then...
..
CRACK
Wh-?!
From her door, the walls begin to crack, spreading throughout the house.
What... what is this?
This isn't right. This can't be- what's going on?!
Immediately, my chest begins to tighten again, and my heart pounds.
Why am I.. what is this?
I shouldn't be scared. I shouldn't...
The ground beneath me begins to tremble. I clutch the railing, crouching down.
Crack. Crack. Crack.
The walls.
A strange, shadowy darkness seeps through the cracks. They don't spread, but they linger, waving around and floating like leaves gently swaying with the wind.
The shaking stops. The loud cracks and banging fade away, leaving the silence to be louder than ever before.
I glance towards Saki's door.
The darkness envelops the door, pulsing dangerously.
I feel like...
I feel like it's calling me.
...
Ah...
What's going on with me today..?
I stand up, my legs shaky.
This is...
..
I don't know.
But I can deal with it. I have to.
This isn't hurting me. I can handle this.
I can deal with this on my own.
I look down at my stomach.
It feels empty. I should eat.
But I think I've lost my appetite.