Chapter Text
Dear Emilia,
I guess this is where I’m supposed to say goodbye.
Or maybe I already did.
Honestly, I don’t know how to start this. Every time I try, the words feel wrong. Too big, too small, too… final.
I don’t even know if I want you to read this. But I need to say it. So here goes.
I love you.
I know. Obvious, right? But I never said it properly. Not when it mattered. Not when it could’ve changed anything. And now—now it just feels pathetic. One-sided. Like everything else I did.
I loved you so much it hurt. Still does. You were everything to me. My hope, my light, my reason. You saved me, Emilia. I don’t think you even realized it. You saved me when you told me your name in that loot house. And when you smiled at me in the manor, when you believed in me even when I didn’t deserve it—I thought, this is it. This is my heroine. This is the girl I’ll give everything for.
So I did. Everything. I fought for you. Lied to you. Broke myself again and again for you. And maybe I thought that if I bled hard enough, screamed loud enough, you'd have to love me back. But love doesn’t work like that, does it?
You never asked for any of it.
I forced it on you. I made you the center of my world and then got angry when you didn’t make me yours. That wasn’t love. That was desperation. Obsession. And I hate that I only figured that out after it ruined everything.
So I’m stepping away. Finally. I’m leaving the alliance with Crusch and Anastasia behind. It’s yours now. My last “heroic” act, I guess. Whatever worth that has for you now. The only thing I have left to give that actually matters.
Who am I kidding? Like everything else I've tried to give, it probably doesn't.
Along with this: a charm. Black and orange. It’s a design from my homeland, meant to protect someone you care about. I know, stupid. But I wanted you to have something. Just one piece of me that wasn’t broken or heavy or painful.
Even though I know I don't deserve even that.
The rest of me… let it go.
Forget me, Emilia.
Live your life. Be the queen you always could be. Be you. Without having to carry the weight of a boy who loved you wrong. Who would've never loved you right.
I’m sorry.
For how I acted in the assembly hall. For the duel. For lashing out. For making you feel like you owed me something.
I’m sorry for not being the kind of person you could love back.
And I’m sorry that even now, even after everything, I still don’t know how to stop loving you.
Goodbye.
—Subaru
Subaru,
I read your letter.
I read it once.
Then again.
Then again.
And again, and again, and again until the words stopped making sense and all I could see was the space between the lines, where everything you didn’t say lived.
I don’t know how to write this. I don’t know what you expect from me, maybe nothing. Maybe you hoped I’d never write back. Maybe you thought I’d be relieved.
I’m not.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m scared. But most of all, I’m sorry.
You said I never asked for your love. You’re right. I didn’t. I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know how to be loved like that.
You loved me like I was the air you breathed. And I—
I loved you too. I just didn’t understand it back then. I was still too afraid. I didn’t believe I deserved anything good, and you were good. You were too good. You kept giving and giving and giving and I... I didn’t know how to give anything back.
You think you were selfish. But Subaru, I was the selfish one. I turned away when you needed me the most. I abandoned you and convinced myself it was mercy. But I never once stopped to ask what you needed. I ignored the pain in your eyes because acknowledging it was scary.
And now you're gone.
No goodbye. Just silence and letters and a charm I haven’t taken off since the day I received it.
It still smells like you.
A year ago, Ram wouldn’t look at me. Petra, she’s part of the maid staff now, cried when she thought I wasn’t listening. Rem, Rem hated me, Beatrice too. Otto, bless his kind soul, was the only ally I had, and even then, it was at your behest. And I don’t blame them. Any of them. Because I destroyed the one person who gave us all something to believe in.
Now, Ram keeps me focused, always making me question my actions and decisions. Petra smiles and laughs like a child her age should. Frederica—you’ve never met her, she was part of the maid staff before you left, and returned to the manor at Roswaal’s request. Rem is now my handmaiden and one of my closest friends alongside Otto, and Beatrice—sweet, kind Betty - she forged a pact with me, became my family. Garf—Garfiel Tinzel, he’s Frederica’s younger brother, is training diligently to earn the Royal Knight title, though he keeps stumbling when it comes to etiquette training.
You would’ve gotten along with everyone. Otto and Garf, especially. I’d imagine you would've declared yourselves sworn brothers in another life. One where I didn't break you.
You told me to forget you.
I tried. Od, Subaru, I promise, I tried. I did everything I could to move on. I became stronger. I did what I thought you would’ve done in my place. I led my camp. I governed the Mathers Domain. I smiled when it hurt. I held everyone together. Even on days when all I wanted to do was break into pieces. Like how I broke you.
But you’re in everything. Every lesson. Every laugh. Every crowd. Every sunrise. Every sunset. I see your silhouette among the masses. I see you in the way I speak. I see you in the way I fight. In the way I hope.
You are the starlight I still follow.
So no, I won’t forget you. I can’t.
Maybe I’m being selfish again. Maybe I’m too late. Maybe you don’t want to see me anymore. And maybe, maybe you’ve moved on and are living a better life without me. But I’m not letting this be the end.
Not when I never got the chance to say it back.
I love you, Subaru.
Even if you can’t bear to hear it now.
Even if you never answer this letter.
Even if the only version of you I have left is a memory wrapped around my wrist.
I love you.
Come home.
Please.
—Emilia