Chapter Text
Chapter One: Hatred
Sam hated the idea of soulmates, had hated everything about them ever since he found out that was the reason why his body would randomly be laced with pain from invisible injuries that would cause him to blackout. Sam's issues with soulmates ran deep. He had many reasons for his hatred: being permanently shackled to a stranger; the randomness of it all; the idealism behind the whole thing; the universe dictating who he was meant to care for; and the overall lack of freedom. But the main problem Sam had with soulmates was the way they were connected. Soulmates are connected through pain: any physical pain that your soulmate experiences you feel doubly so.
Sam’s soulmate apparently had a knack for getting injured and he was so sick of being constantly on edge waiting for the moment where his body was surged with insurmountable pain. On the schoolyard he got teased relentlessly for it, called overdramatic by his teachers and parents, glass jaw, delicate or some variation of that by his peers. His only saving grace was his sister, she was the only one who believed he wasn’t acting this way for attention, or because he had a low pain tolerance, in fact because of his stupid soulmate he had a rather high tolerance for pain and as years went on Sam figured out different techniques to work through the pain and to stop blacking out from it.
Sam hoped to never meet his soulmate because if he did, he was fairly certain, he’d just punch them in the head as hard as possible and that would only end up worse for him. The odd thing was that it wasn’t a consistent barrage of pain, it was rather sporadic he could go months sometimes even years without feeling any of his soulmate’s pain and then be hit by three weeks straight of constant abuse.
Sam was a rather straight-laced man, but the barrage of pain sometimes made him desperate and one time he’d attempted to numb it with alcohol and narcotics both of which did nothing for him other than making him paranoid, hungry and sleepy but in too much pain to do anything about it.
He never dared try anything like that again and just submitted to the fact that a soulmate's pain was not something that could be numbed away; it was just something to be endured.
Before Sam found the military, he’d gone to college, and like most college students he was just a stupid kid who would occasionally do something reckless. Unfortunately, his reckless behaviour was on a whole other level. Sam was sick of the constant fear that any moment would be ruined by the pain pulsing throughout his body. He'd lost count of how many events and celebrations he'd ruined because of that pain. It wasn't fair. Nothing about soulmates was fair and Sam had had enough. He shouldn't have to be constantly on edge; endlessly being tortured by his soulmate. He'd done nothing to deserve it.
One reckless night, Sam had reached his breaking point, and decided it was finally time to teach his soulmate a lesson; show them how it felt to get hit by a sudden onslaught of unbearable pain.
It was lucky he had a roommate in the college dorm, because he’d cut the blade too deep into his skin, passed out from the pain and almost bled out. If his roommate hadn’t found him and gotten him to a hospital, chances are he wouldn’t survive long enough to feel smug about finally causing his soulmate a fraction of the pain that got inflicted on him his entire life. After that little incident, someone other than his sister, finally took notice of Sam and the pain he'd been dealing with his whole life. His parents no longer brushed it off as an inconvience or Sam being overdramatic. Unfortunately they took it all too seriously and Sam was sent to a therapist to get counselling.
***
“How many sessions has it been now?” asked Sam's therapist.
Sam rolled his eyes annoyed, “Like you don’t already know the answer to that.”
“Answer the question Sam.”
“Six alright?” said Sam begrudgingly.
“Yes, exactly and in all that time you still refuse to talk about your suicide attempt.”
Sam breathed harshly through his nostrils.
“I know this may be an uncomfortable topic but this is a safe space Sam, there is no judgement here. I think it would do you a world of good to confront the events of that night and what led to your suicide attempt.”
“It wasn’t a suicide attempt! It was payback!” shouted Sam in frustration.
“Payback for what?”
“Oh, you’re good doc, trying to goad me into opening up to you but it isn’t going to work, you wouldn’t understand no one could ever possibly understand!”
“I am a seasoned therapist specializing in trauma, I can assure you that I can understand and comprehend much more than you think.”
“I think this might be even outside your wheelhouse.”
“Try me,” goaded the therapist their eyes glistening in challenge.
Sam huffed he hated it here, hated his therapist, hated his soulmate, hated pretty much everything at this moment.
“You have a lot of anger in you Sam,” said the therapist after a few minutes of silence, did Sam mention that he hated his therapist. The therapist his parents made him go see after they thought he attempted to commit suicide. His parents that was another thing to add to the list of things he hated. If he had to rank the list it would be soulmate, therapist, parents, this place and then everything else.
“You’d be angry too if you were me.”
“What exactly do you have to be angry about?”
Sam nodded in the therapist’s direction.
This only seemed to amuse the therapist, “Aside from me, your anger didn’t start here you’ve been angry much longer, I can tell your anger runs deep years of it, over a decade’s worth perhaps, so much so that it’s at risk of becoming the bedrock of your personality.”
“I got shafted in the soulmate department,” admitted Sam begrudgingly.
The therapist’s eyes widened in surprise, clearly not the explanation they’d been expecting but other than that they gave no indication of surprise, their demeanor as calm as ever, “An unfaithful soulmate?” prodded the therapist.
“Who the hell knows, I certainly hope to never meet them.”
“Are your parents soulmates?”
“What?” asked Sam startled by the question.
“It’s a simple enough question, are your parents soulmates? Yes or no?”
“Yes, so what?” spat out Sam bitterly.
“Interesting.”
“Is that so?” asked Sam annoyed.
“Typically, children with parents who aren’t soulmates are adverse about the whole idea of soulmates, I’m trying to determine how deep your resentment of soulmates runs, if it’s an ingrained feeling.”
“My parents have nothing to do with my hatred of my soulmate.”
“How do you hate someone you’ve never met?”
“Same way I know I hate Stalin and Hitler.”
“Comparing your soulmate to them seems a bit extreme and while you’ve never met those men you’ve learned of their actions and know the sort of monsters they were. How do they compare to your soulmate who you know nothing about?”
“I do know something though; they’ve caused me nothing but pain for my entire life.”
“Ah the soulmate connection, why we are linked through pain is still a mystery our greatest scientists have yet to unlock.”
“And why the pain is double what the person experiencing it feels.”
“Yes, the doubling affect, most philosophers theorize that it’s to make us more sympathetic to our soulmate’s pain.”
Sam gave a derivative snort.
“You disagree?”
Sam didn’t bother answering the question, what with the answer being so obvious, so the therapist tried another tactic, “the night of your suicide attempt, you weren’t actually trying to commit suicide.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying for the past SIX sessions!” complained Sam.
“You were trying to hurt your soulmate.”
“It was payback for all the pain they’ve cause me over the years, what I did wasn’t even a fraction of what they’d made me endure!”
“Sam,” said the therapist in a calming voice, “have you ever considered why your soulmate has given you so much physical pain, what they must be experiencing. You just have the echo; you don’t know the context. It is very possible that their pain is outside of their control.”
Sam faltered, all this time he’d been mad at his soulmate for causing him relentless pain he’d never considered the why or the fact that maybe they hadn’t been doing it on purpose. He felt sick to his stomach.
“It is an unfortunate reality but abuse especially child abuse is not unheard of.”
“Oh god,” said Sam putting his hands over his mouth, all this time he’d been hating his soulmate blaming all of the pain they’d inflicted on them, never stopping to consider what traumatizing events had to have occurred to cause such a thing never thinking of what they must be enduring while he suffered with no context, “And I just added right onto their pain and abuse,” said Sam breaking down, tears relentlessly running down his face, feeling like an absolute monster. All this time he thought he’d been suffering alone, and he’d lashed out and hurt the one person who could understand, who was enduring firsthand all these blows and yet still having the strength to survive another day, not giving in like Sam had tried to.