Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Hunith remembers the first time she caught Merlin with a knife and a bloody wrist. He was young, too young to even consider anything like this. She remembers not saying a word as she cleaned the three, thankfully, shallow wounds.
He didn't meet her eyes the whole time, just blinked away the tears in silence. He didn't tell her what drove him to do this either. After an hour without an explanation she sent him to bed.
Hunith watched him until she was certain he was asleep, then she slipped out the door in search of Will.
Will told her about the taunts and stones the other children were throwing earlier that day, how some were harsher than before and the stones just a little bit sharper. He told her how Merlin ran and how he couldn't find him. She didn't tell him about the knife.

It happened every few years after that, and every time she cursed the heavens for the pain her precious boy had to endure. One moment he'd be laughing his beautiful laugh, the next his charming smile would fall off his face. Or at least become less bright. He thought no one noticed, but Will and Hunith always did.

She never asked Will how he knew, but somewhere in those childhood years he found out. She silently blessed him every time he stopped Merlin, or every time he was there after.

But even having found him many different times nothing was as bad as this. She had never had to bandage ones this deep, they weren't neat like the others. These were ragged and horrid to look at. The longer she looked at them the more she wondered what could drive someone to do this to their own flesh. Though that was a question she often asked him, he never gave her an answer she could understand. But now she stared at the bandaged arms and felt a sob tear itself from her throat.

That was when she made a decision she hoped would change this. She wrote a letter, and the next day she sent her son on his way.

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By the time Camelot came into view Merlin nearly screamed in excitement, the castle, even from this distance, was beautiful to behold. So very different from the small village he'd grown up in. Why his mother chose now to send him to Gaius, well Merlin had his suspensions. He shook his head, he'd have to get passed that if he wanted this new life to any different.
He looked back to the city and let the smile slip back onto his face as he trudged on.

He entered the city and found that the further he went the more he felt his heart flutter in wonder and anxiety. The sound of a horn, and the sudden change in the flow of the market brought Merlin to the courtyard. Where he was met with something that looked an awful lot like many of his nightmares. The wooden platform in the middle of the courtyard was just one reminder of the banned against magic, of the banned against, well, Merlin himself.

His right hand went to the bandage on his left wrist, he winced slightly when it rubbed against the healing skin. He kept his head down and listened to the footsteps of the prisoner and guards as they neared the wooden steps. He looked up as the man was forced to his knees and Uther began his speech, "Let this serve as a lesson to all. This man, Thomas James Collins, is adjudged guilty of conspiring to use enchantments and magic." Merlin swallowed.

He suddenly felt lightheaded, felt his heart beating rapidly in his chest, his panic cause him to missed the rest of the speech. Not that he felt he could hear the rest without losing his lunch. He simply turned his head away when the ax fell, refusing to look back down to the wood when Uther announced the feast.

He watched though, when the mourning mother threw her threats. Watched the panic flash for a second in Uther's eyes before he threw away the fear and declared she be captured. Merlin could honestly say he'd never seen anyone disappear the way she had, though it was impressive he still felt the shiver that found it's way down his spine. He laughed slightly as she made her escape, but was quickly on his way before anyone would notice.

---

Gaius was very different from what he imagined. Merlin mused as he lay in his bed the morning after his arrival. His new guardian was...Interesting. Though, Merlin thought, it was nice that someone knew about his magic. Someone, he felt, he could trust.

As nice as the city noises were they quickly grew annoying when one was trying to sleep. He'd left the window open, feeling quite safe in the glow of the moon. It'd been a friend through his childhood, why should he not find comfort in it now?

His fingers found the edge of his sleeve, dipping under it to feel the healed scars underneath.

"We won't need to do that here." he whispered firmly to himself and the moon, before turning over to sleep.

Now he lay awake and felt very much like his did most mornings. Little to no energy, or motivation to leave the bed.

Merlin...Merlin.

He shook his head, shutting his eyes against the voice.

He sighed, sitting up slowly, "Time to get up." He told himself only seconds before he fell back onto the bed.

----

That wasn't exactly how Merlin was planning on spending his second night. He would admit though, the dungeon floors were almost more comfortable than the ones at home.

Merlin.

Merlin flinched at the whispering voice in his head, jumping off the floor in a panic. Heart pounding and eyes darting around the room, he finally decided to listen to the floor seeing as how that was where he heard the voice the first time. The door swung open just as his ear hit the floor, he started so badly his head slammed into the ground with more force than he thought.

He jumped to his feet as Gaius stormed in, eyes glaring so hard Merlin swore he would have turned to ash.

"You never cease to amaze me!" Gaius nearly screamed, throwing his arms in the air. Merlin decided not to point out that he'd known him less than a day.

"I'm sorry?" he said, hand flying to the back of his neck as he stared at his guardian sheepishly. "I didn't know he was the prince."

"Ah so that fixes everything?" Gaius demanded.

"No." Merlin muttered.

"No indeed."

-----

Arthur's taunts cut deep with his mocking laugh, and snobbish smirk. Merlin can't help but let his responses be filled with as much sarcasm as he can manage. But before he knows it he's armed and Arthur is swinging the ball and chain expertly, Merlin swore he felt his heart sink.

"You know I've been trained since birth." Arthur smiles, eyes glinting with excitement.

He was doomed.

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He didn't mean to let the fight go so far, but for once in his miserable life he'd been enjoying himself. He'd been wining the fight too, that was till Gaius caught him off guard and everything fell apart. Now laying there on his bed he realized it'd been a mistake to start the fight. A terrible mistake.

A familiar dark feeling wrapped around his heart, the clouds gathered in his mind and everything became hard to concentrate on. The sun no longer felt warm on his back, the blankets on the bed lost the soft comfort he'd known the first night here. It was like all the colors and sounds he'd marveled over had suddenly lost their appeal leaving Merlin with a numb pain in his chest and the need to run away. To release the pain.

NO! 

He jerked into a sitting position, hands shaking and heart racing. The itching skin under his sleeves screamed for his attention, the knife hidden in his bag mocked him from across the room. But he didn't stand, didn't rise from the bed. This was a new home, a new chance to finally belong somewhere. He'd promised his mother he'd try harder. He wasn't going to break that promise on his second day.

So he sat there, using all of his willpower not to move and go for the knife. He kept his hands as still as he could, he knew that if he didn't there were still ways to break his promise without leaving the bed. He'd done it before when his mother had hidden everything sharp enough when he was younger.

The silence in his room dragged on, but the dark thoughts were growing louder. He was so tired.

He flinched at the sound on a knock on his door, Merlin stared at it wearily. He knew it was Gaius, he also suspected he was going to come in it didn't matter if Merlin wanted him to or not. Merlin was sure that was his mother's doing.

"Come in." he whispered, voice quieter than he thought it'd be.

Gaius stepped into the room, gently closing the door behind him. His eyes swept the room before landing on Merlin seated stiffly on his bed. Gaius sat down next to Merlin on the bed, the bag he was carrying laid gently in his lap.

They sat in silence, a very uncomfortable quiet that made Merlin squirm until he couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm sorry."came the whisper. Gaius glanced at him out of the corner of his eye but didn't say anything like he was waiting to hear what exactly Merlin was sorry for.

"I'm sorry you have to keep coming to my rescue. That I'm such a burden."

There were few seconds of silence before Merlin heard Gaius sigh, "take off your shirt."

"What?" Merlin asked, voice squeaking slightly at the odd request.

Gaius glared slightly but quickly explained, "Arthur got in a few hits didn't he? I want to see how bad the damage is."

"oh." Merlin muttered before he slowly slid his shirt off.

-----

Gaius watched as Merlin slowly pulled the blue fabric over his head with a tiny wince. He frowned at the glimpse he got of the white bandages covering the boy's small arms. The frown deepened as the other white scars were revealed further up on his arms.

Hunith's letter had told him many things about Merlin's coping skills. Though she went into detail about most of the wounds the boy had given himself Gaius was less prepared to see them than he thought he was. His eyes shifted up to look at the young face, taking notice of the downward cast blue eyes. He sighed again. He was too old for this.

His eyes scanned Merlin's back looking for the injuries he was sure he was going to find. Sure enough there was dark bruising on the boy's left shoulder. He set to work on it and let the boy continue with his own thoughts in silence. He'd deal with those when he was done with the physical burdens.

He worked in silence watching the tense shoulders under his old wrinkled hands. Noting how Merlin's eyes didn't move from their fixed spot on the floor, how he didn't relax. The shirt covered the bandaged wrists where they rested in the boy's lap. Gaius looked away to finish his task before the talk he knew they would need to have.

He finished his task in silence, gently putting away his supplies as Merlin tugged his shirt back on. The sleeve of his shirt revealed the dirty bandages on the boy's arms Gaius suddenly realized he hadn't seen Merlin change them since the first night when the boy requested some clean cloth. He found himself sighing again before reopening his bag.

"We need to change those," He said softly nudging the boy's arm as his eyes glanced down at the covered wounds. He felt Merlin stiffen beside him, the boy was still for several seconds fingers playing with the edge of one of the wrappings. He heard Merlin take a shaky breath before he slid his sleeves up enough for Gaius.

Gaius hands were gently as he slowly unwrapped the cloth until the deep cuts were revealed on the left wrist, he tried not to wince as he moved to the other wrist unwrapping it to find less neat lines decorating the right arm. He bit back a sigh as he began cleaning the cuts and re-wrapping them in clean cloth. 

"You don't stare as much as the others." come the quiet whisper, nearly startling Gaius as he finished with the second wrist.

"Yours would not be the first I have seen, nor are they the worst." He said, glancing up to catch the blue eyed gaze as they wander across the room. He held the gaze as he continued, "I have treated such wounds on knights, nobles and peasants. Each for their own reason, they do not scare me." He said firmly, praying the boy would understand his words.

"They don't make you wonder why?" Merlin asked shyly, eyes just slightly hopeful.

"I don't question the battles others face," he replied, "Only the method of which they try to cope."

Merlin sniffed and turned his tear filled eyes away to avoid his firm gaze. 

"No ones ever questioned the monster before." 

His fingers were grabbing for the boys chin before he even knew he was moving, he turned the young face to face his eyes dark as he said, "Never call yourself that again." voice dangerously low, "You are not the words others throw in your face."

Merlin watched him sadly, "Understand?" Gaius asked.

Merlin nodded. 

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Merlin crept down the stairs, eyes scanning the darkness in front of him with a hint of fear. It wasn't that he felt unsafe but more that he wondered why he didn't.

Yet he continued down the steps, his footsteps echoing off the walls and bouncing back from the low ceiling. His torch gave just enough light to see the next few steps ahead. Anything beyond that was clocked in a deep black.

He made it to the bottom of the long, dark stairwell to see a cave. The room filled was a faint blue light from where the moon reflected on the water at the bottom of the cave, giving the whole room an haunting glow.

Bats flew in and out of the cave's ceiling, the sound of their wings beating made Merlin flinch slightly as they flew by.

Merlin

A rumbling chuckle followed the voice, but this wasn't in his head. The laugh came from inside the cave. Merlin gathered his courage before shouting into the cave, "Where are you?"

Suddenly the beating of wings sounded again, but this pair sounded bigger and a deep growl followed. Merlin tried not to flinch again when a huge golden colored body rose from behind the rocks. He suddenly found himself face to face with a dragon.

It perched on the rocks in front of Merlin, chuckling again before it spoke, "I'm here."

Merlin was caught between, awe and fear as he stared at the great dragon, he backed up slightly but not too far. While the dragon held his gaze.

"How small you are, for such a great destiny."

Forgetting his fear for a moment Merlin crept forward, "Why? What do you mean? What destiny?"

The dragon settled on the rocks, tucking his wings against his back,"Your gift, Merlin was given  to you for a reason."

Merlin's wrist twitched, he swallowed, "So there is a reason?"

The dragon smirked, "Arthur is the once and future king who will unite the land of Albion."

"Right..." Because that prat could unite anyone.

"But he faces many threats from friend and foe alike." the beast continued.

Merlin scoffed, "I don't see what this has to do with me." I don't want anything to do with it.

"Everything. Without you, Arthur will never succeed." The dragon shifted closer to Merlin, "Without you, there will be no Albion."

This isn't right. "No." Merlin said, "No, you've got this wrong."

Merlin threw his free hand in the air, "You're wrong. There must be another Arthur, because this ones an idiot. Or maybe there's another Merlin. This isn't why I came here."

"No one can choose their destiny. And no one can escape it."

"But this isn't my destiny! If someone wants to kill Arthur, they can do it." He left out a dark laugh, "In fact I'd give them a hand."

The dragon leaned forward, too close for comfort if anyone actually cared.

"No one can escape their destiny." The dragon whispered, face serious and voice extremely low. They held each other's gaze, neither one backing down. The dragon looked away first, shifting it's body to fly away. Merlin found himself alone with the darkness and his thoughts, as he had been before.

A part of him wanted to mean something, to be a part of something bigger than himself. But the other part said he wouldn't ever be enough to fulfill a destiny this great. He stood there in the darkness, listening as the bats settled down and the only sounds left in the cave was the sound of his breathing, and the faint sounds of water trickling down stone.

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Arthur slowly opened his eyes and moved his hand to the spider webs covering his head, a fleeting thought of wonder running through his mind. His father moved from his seat and Arthur followed, his eyes finding the body on the floor. The body dressed like lady Helen, but the woman laying on the floor was older. The woman on the floor, wasn't dead.

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Gaius had only known this boy for a few days, but he already knows he'd like that see that smile on his face more often than he has. He knew giving the boy the book was the right thing to do, the smile he received for his troubles was worth the fear of being found out.

Already he had seen the candle light under the door several times when he knew Merlin should be sleeping. But finding him the next morning with an open book on his bed instead of a knife made Gaius truly grateful to the old religion for being a big enough distraction.

Merlin thought he didn't notice the moments the boy would stop and his eyes would fill with that hollow stare, or when his fingers would brush over the scars and scabs on the wrist. He also noticed the leather bracelet around the deeper scar, he'd seen others use that method of distraction too. But for far he had not noticed any new scars, and he always answered Hunith's letters truthfully when she asked about her son.

If Gaius fulfilled nothing else in his life, he'd be happy with just saving Merlin.