Archive of Our Own ^beta

Keith felt pissed.

And annoyed, disappointed, upset and kind of shaken.

Yes, Lotor saved his life. But that didn’t change any of the other stuff he did. Nor did it change the fact Keith hated him and certainly did not trust him. He was mad at Shiro for complying with Lotor’s “request” and felt the paladins betrayed him when they agreed with Shiro (they were hesitant, but in the end they too gave in).

The Blade was at the castle, waiting with the paladins for the banished prince to arrive. Keith needed a moment away from the rest of them so he was roaming around the castle aimlessly. He didn’t want to go to the room that used to be his. He wasn’t a part of Voltron anymore, so the room didn’t belong to him. He didn’t want to go anywhere near the training deck either, because it was for paladins.

So he walked towards the room with the star map. The room he was first appointed as a paladin in.

Keith frets back to only a few vargas back – the silence, Matt’s hollers and protests, the silence and then the blindingly white light. He heard the door close behind him as he entered the room and moved across the dimly lit chamber. The star map was turned off, giving usually star-lit irradiating room a dusky, gloomy shade. It seemed rather ironic, the room he chose to walk into reflected his present state of mind.

Leaning against a walk, Keith dramatically slid down to the floor. Throwing his head against the wall, he struggled to organize his thoughts. He didn’t know what the team would think of him if they knew he almost sacrifice himself. Would it make them mad? Would they sympathize with him? Look at him with pity? Would they care at all?

Letting out a consecutive sigh, he squeezed his eyes shut. Memories of the incident flooded back, painting a series of events against the pitch-black of his eyelids.

Keith remembered the huge sigh of relief that left his lungs when Allura wrenched them out Naxzela. He remembered the relapsing dread when he realized that the team’s lives were still in danger. He pulled his legs close to his chest as he heard the memories blabbering in the fear of their possible impending demise. But then they all went quiet.

He reflected on his feelings upon the sudden silence. His thoughts flew back to a three year old and his laughing parents. The child’s cries of protest and fear watching his mother’s back disappear. The quiet that seemed to replace her presence. Keith felt the growing sharpness of the razor in his throat, similar but dull than the one he felt when Lance wasn’t whining or bragging anymore, when Hunk and Pidge weren’t speaking gibberish they called physics, when neither Allura nor Shiro were giving life-saving commands.

They were all quiet, like his father for all those years before even he decided Keith wasn’t worth fighting for.

He couldn’t think then. The silence was deafening and Keith felt a sense of panic he didn’t seem to have felt since he was three. He lost a family once. He was not going to lose one again. His body and mind seemed to be coordinating out of his own accord. They found the best course of action – anything that would save his family – and he felt his hands move, pushing his ship towards the Galra ship. Towards his demise. Towards a secure future for his family.

Then Matt called out to him. Told him to stop. Keith knew Matt was right, he should have stopped - the team wouldn’t want to live a life at the cost of his life. But when he shut his eyes, he watched his mother go, his father recede from view and heard nothing but the deafening quiet. He watched Shiro give him brotherly advise, treat him like his own brother. He felt Allura hug him, laughter bubbling within him because of Hunk, fondness watching Pidge’s grin grow when she figured something out and exasperation at Lance’s cheer.

They were worth living for.

But he had opened his eyes, he heard nothing - felt nothing but dread, fear and a lump in his throat.

They were also worth dying for.

So Keith kept moving.

Now, in the inky room, Keith wondered how they would react if Lotor wouldn’t have jumped in. Keith was upset that they decided to give this meeting with Lotor a shot, despite Keith’s evident malice and distrust towards him. The guy tried to split them apart and take them down one-on-one for god’s sake.

Except that was mostly Keith’s fault alone. He put his forehead on his knees and pulled himself in tightly.

Maybe after you almost die for people you consider your family, it feels like a spiteful betrayal when they choose to give an asshole you hate a shot.

Or maybe Keith was just being miserly.

Keith was also worried about Matt telling the team about what he tried to do. He wouldn’t know how to react if they knew. What if they acted sympathetic? It would kill Keith. But he’d feel even worse if they acted like they didn’t know about it, which was pretty unreasonable on Keith’s part, because he didn’t even know it Matt actually told this to them. A hundred possibilities ran through Keith’s head on their possible reactions, each worse than the previous.

He felt sick.

He tried to think of something else, something less upsetting but the only other thing he could think of at the moment, was his mother leaving. He thought of his father who distanced himself after his mother left, leaving Keith to his own devices. Keith despised his father for that, but still when his father wasn’t there anymore, Keith selfishly grieved.

Then Shiro came along. The highly capable cadet who was loved and respected by everyone. Who loved and respected Keith. Who treated Keith like a brother, who taught Keith the meaning of family. But then Shiro disappeared too, reimposing the quiet around him. Keith spent every day after that looking for Shiro, struggling to silence the quiet, to find the man he could call family again.

It was a quiet then, alone in the desert shack, with no one he could even talk to, with nothing around him to make him feel important or loved. The only thing that kept him going was the need to bring his brother back. Thinking about it even now stung Keith’s eyes, he never wanted it to be so damn quiet again, never wanted to be alone again.

Then the universe decided that it had tortured Keith enough, and gave him his brother back, and even gave him a family. A home. Somewhere he was needed. Somewhere he was important. Somewhere he made a difference.

Somewhere he belonged.

But apparently the universe didn’t like the sight of happy Keith. Or maybe all of this was only to give him love so it cruelly snatch that later.

Shiro disappeared again.

The only person who hadn’t given up on him.

And the other paladins seemed to have given up on Shiro. Keith didn’t understand, they were a family. Why did the team give up on finding Shiro so easily?

They might have, but Keith didn’t.

When the team had seen Keith almost at his limit, they made him realize that he wasn’t really alone. That they were struggling too, they just had different ways of dealing with it, of showing it. They hadn’t given up on Shiro. They considered the team as much of a family as Keith did.

So then why were they trying to force Keith into piloting the Black Lion. He didn’t want to, he had made it very clear. Allura was a much better leader than he was. Why did Black choose him. Somewhere Keith knew the answer, but it only made it him feel worse, so he didn’t think about it. But when Lance – arrogant but capable Lance – told him that he respected Black’s decision to choose Keith, it made him feel better. Important.

Being a leader wasn’t really that bad either. He had a few hiccups along the way, but he knew that leading wasn’t as bad as he had made it out to be. It didn’t change the fact Keith did not want to lead.

Even though he would never openly admit it, having Lance by his side made everything so much better.

Then one day, Lance came to Keith to talk about something troubling him, Keith felt ecstatic. Things started rocky for them, but they were bonding, they were getting there. Lance then proceeded to burst Keith’s bubble when he told him he'd come to him because he was the “leader”. Keith already loathed that word being associated with his name, but if possible he grew to hate it more.

Admittedly, Keith acted a little selfish and inconsiderate then. He was put out and maybe acting a little spoilt. It didn't concern him in the beginning, because this was Lance. He probably wanted Keith to get more comfort facilities for Kaltenecker.

But when he realized that Lance was serious, that this was really bothering Lance, he immediately regretted his behavior. He tried to make it up to him, although unsure if it would help in the long run. Lance’s smile before he left Keith’s room reassured Keith that his comforting had worked - at least for then.

It was after that Keith started noticing little slips in Lance’s behavior and it made him feel realize how wrong his initial judgement of Lance’s character was. It made Keith struggle to make up for his misjudgment by supporting Lance whenever and however he could.

But Keith slowly realized he was getting too attached to Lance. He had been pretty attached to Lance for a while then, Keith had a minor crush on Lance that he would never let anyone – especially Lance – know. But he was growing more attached to him and to the rest of the team. Keith did consider them family, but he’s so often questioned if they felt the same that his growing attachment to them set off an alarm.

Keith tried to let that slide but ever since Shiro had come back, he'd always seemed a little irked by Keith. He would apologize and they’d make up later, but it didn’t ease the knot in Keith’s stomach around the man who was supposed to be his big brother. Shiro’s behavior made Keith’s insecurities grow.

The rest of the paladins would eventually behave in the same way with him, wouldn’t they?

Sure they were different people, in different circumstances, so there was no guarantee they’d eventually get annoyed of Keith.

But there was no guarantee they wouldn’t either.

He thought about how none of the paladins ever tried to ask him if he was alright. No one asked him to stay besides Allura and Shiro. Even they asked him to stay for Voltron. Because Voltron needed him.

They clearly didn’t.

Keith felt the dull lump in his throat grow sharper.

He'd never asked for much. He didn’t want his mother to stay so she could shower and spoil him with love. Hell, she didn’t even have to stay. All he wanted was to know that she loved him. He didn’t want his father to forget all his sorrows and concentrate only on Keith. All he wanted was for his father to acknowledge that he was not the only one suffering, Keith was too, and to let Keith know he loved him.

Unlike Zarkon and Haggar, Keith didn’t want world domination, power or wealth. All he wanted was a family. Was love.

 Was that too much to ask for?

He really thought he had a family with the paladins. He called this place home, Allura called him family and none of them left the other behind.

In the beginning, Keith was glad to find a place where he was needed, to find somewhere he had a responsibility and was important. It was for the universe, it was for Voltron.

Then, he grew to love the people he fought for the universe with. He called them family, he was certain they would never leave him behind or alone, not even for the universe.

So why did none of them ever call the Marmora headquarters for a reason that wasn’t saving the universe?

They said they’d miss him. They said it wouldn’t be the same without him. So why didn’t any of them call to check on him once? Why did the universe become more important all of a sudden?

He pulled his knees closer, his thoughts choking him, a sob escaping its grasp.

He thought about their performances. Where everyone seemed happy and fine. Where Lance didn’t seem insecure. Shiro wasn’t agitated. Allura was doing a ridiculous job of imitating him.

He remembered what Pidge called him: loner. Was that really what they saw him as? Was that all they saw in him? A socially inept orphan with anger issues. A socially inept orphan who was kicked out of school. A socially inept orphan who only mattered when he was the rash red paladin, or the crappy leader. Was a moody, awkward, impulsive loner all they saw him as?

They might be right, heck they were probably spot on, but it made Keith angry and miserable anyways.

Keith couldn’t watch their performances after that. He tried but each time he felt a dull, but growing ache in his chest. The kind that would make it hard for him to breathe and twist his stomach into a thousand knots.

He also tried to find a family in the Blade. But after the paladins, he couldn’t. He couldn’t consider the people who were ready to sacrifice others for the universe his family. He couldn’t grow fond of people who seemed to have no relation outside the mission. He couldn’t consider them family because no one in the Blade was loud, arrogant, boisterous but also loving, caring and even insecure. Because no one in the Blade laughed as warmly as they hugged. No one in the Blade had sparkles in their eyes whenever they came across some technology remotely intriguing. No one in the Blade called him family, led like fully-grown mature adult or could talk to space mice. No one in the Blade treated him like a little brother.

So he just missed these people he considered family more. Even when he knew they probably didn’t think of him too much. Even though the person who told him he was her family only asked him to stay for Voltron.

Hot tears fell from the corners of Keith’s eyes, leaving a burning trail in its path. Keith frantically wiped his tears, more sobs spurting out his throat.

He could be with them right now, but instead he was here bowling his eyes out over something childish and irrelevant. He swabbed out more tears, his sobs finally coming to a stop.

He hated this. He hated how his cries were the only sound ringing out in this silent, dead room. He hated how quiet this place was.

He hated how quiet it was in the Marmora headquarters.

He hated how quiet it was in space.

He hated how quiet the castle was when he was alone.

He hated how quiet his ugly desert shack was.

The sobs he thought he had under control gushed out again.

He told himself he’d be okay. This wasn’t the first time this happened, it would pass and he’d be fine again. But the quiet was gnawing at him, choking him, making it harder for him to think, to breathe, to stop crying.

He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be with them. He wanted to be somewhere someone was always talking, somewhere it was never quiet. He wanted to be with someone who would keep arguing with him. With people who would speak in gibberish they called science. With a man who was too loud and had a ludicrously perfectly shaped orange moustache. With a girl who was incredibly strong and caring and bright and perceptive enough to do things perfectly on her first time. He wanted to be with the person who taught him the meaning of family, who made him realize he mattered, that someone cared. He wanted to be with his big brother, who didn’t always seem agitated with him.

Keith’s spiraling was rudely interrupted when he heard the door slide open. Eyes wide, he buried his face behind his knees, hoping he could pass as asleep. He tried furiously swiping at his tears, the best he could do without making it seem like he was moving.

“Keith?” He heard a warm, comforting voice call out.

Shit, he thought. How did Hunk find him?

“Do you think he’s asleep?”

Quiznak, Pidge was here too.

All he needed was Lance, Shiro and Allura to be present too.

He heard a snort, “Yeah, that makes sense, come to the castle after months, that too for for security purposes and then fall asleep in a random room with no bed. He’s only been gone a few months, I don’t think he’s forgotten the way to his room.”

 Keith felt slightly annoyed when Lance said months in an agitated manner, like Keith had done something wrong.

“Lance, he might be tired. Stop being crude.”

Man, Allura too?

Now the only thing left was some input from Shiro. Oh wait, Shiro was too annoyed with Keith to bother looking for him.

Wait, why were they looking for him?

“Hey Keith, buddy?” Hunk again. “You with me?”

If Keith looked up now they’d notice he was crying. If he didn’t they’d come closer and find out anyway.

Keith cleared his throat, to make sure it wouldn’t crack when he spoke. He didn’t lift his head up, but moved so his arms were on top of his knees and his cheek on top of them.

Whatever Lance said about his hair was invalid, at least his bangs covered his probably red, swollen eyes.

“Yeah”, he croaked out and then cleared his throat again. “Just…tired.”

“Keith, we need to talk to you a moment, if that’s okay with you”, Allura said.

Taking in a deep breath Keith began to answer but Lance cut him off. “Oh and maybe if you had the decency to look at us while we talked, or did your time with Marmora eradicate any social mannerisms you had left?”

Keith felt anger boil within him. Why the hell was Lance acting so spitefully?

But Keith knew better than to look up, so he answered, “like I said, I’m tired. You should know. Your fatigue is making you act like an asshole.”

He heard Lance sucking in a deep breath, probably to say something but Pidge spoke before Lance had a chance to. “We just wanted to know if you were okay?”

What? Keith wanted to snort, to scream, to yell, to look at them. But instead he shifted again, his forehead on his knees, his arms wrapped around them.

“For the last time -”, Keith tried to sound exasperated, “I’m tired, Pidge.”

He felt fingertips brush his bangs aside, but that was not what made him look up. “Of almost dying for us?”

Hunk’s question made Keith look up so fast, his fingertips almost poked his eyes.

He watched their eyes go wide taking in his appearance, Lance looking last. His frown turned into a mixture of hurt and surprise, the look the rest of them had when they noticed his tear streaked face.

Keith hated this.

But at least they weren’t looking at him with pity.

Standing up abruptly, he said, “The mission was more important than one person. It wasn’t just you guys -”, such an obvious lie “– there were a lot of lives at stake.”

Lance’s expression turned bitter again. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped when Hunk hugged Keith.

“You’re right”, he said. “Saving the universe is more important. Voltron is more important.”

What?

Keith felt a stab of pain. If this was Hunk’s way of comforting, he was doing terrible.

A pair of smaller arms wound around his chest, as Hunk moved away. “Hunk’s right, Keith. The universe can replace you, Voltron can”, Pidge said.

“But we can’t”, Allura and Hunk said, turning and smiling sadly at each other for a moment, then turning to look at him.

Keith blinked. When full realization of their words - this gesture - hit him he blinked again, more frantically than the first time, hoping to blink away the new wave of tears.

What?

“We know saving the universe is important Keith”, Allura said. “But to us, it’s not more important than you, however selfish that may sound.”

Pidge pulled away to look him in the eye, “Keith, you’re a part of our family, like one of my big brothers, this mission might be important but I don’t want to lose you.”

“None of us do”, Hunk added.

Lance was still quiet.

But then he sighed and moved towards Keith. “The only reason I’m not breaking your face right now”, he said, very clearly still annoyed. “Is because that would be unfair.” He looked away from Keith, down to his side. “Because I may – would – have done the same thing in your position.”

The rest of them nodded, and Keith looked down, trying to blink back tears.

He heard Lance sigh again. “That doesn’t mean we’re not mad at you Keith!”

“Did you really think any of us could go on, knowing that the only reason we’re alive is because -” Hunk’s voice shook a little, “- because you’re not?” His voice cracked and Keith knew without looking that Hunk was crying.

He looked up at them, vision still blurry. “I’m sorry.”

“Keith you don’t have to apologize for anything, you didn’t do anything wrong”, Allura said, as she moved in to hug him.

“Maybe except putting your life in danger for the people who’d rather die than live at the cost of your life”, Pidge stated. “We’re sorry too, Keith. For not telling you this before.”

Allura pulled away, smiling, “She’s right. And this is not just because of my fear at possible survivor’s guilt, I’ve lost enough, I can’t lose you too.”

His heart clenched watching her expression darken. He wished there was some way he could fix everything for her, for the rest of them. He felt a physical ache seeing them hurt.

Allura moved, so her, Hunk and Pidge were standing to his sides, leaving Lance standing in front of him. Keith realized that they were each hugging him one by one so by order that left Lance. Keith felt his heart skip a beat and stomach twist. Lance had never hugged him before and he was wasn’t sure if he’d be able to survive that.

But if Lance didn’t hug him - that would probably hurt a lot more. It’d feel like an indirect rejection to Keith.

Then Keith heard Lance call him team leader in his head. He remembered how Lance supported him regardless of what during his time as the Black Paladin. He thought of what Lance had said when he’d messed up in Thaycerix, “But now we gotta fix it.” We. Keith had clearly been the one who messed up, it was all Keith’s fault but when Lance said that, Keith knew Lance had his back. That Lance would support and help him regardless of what and how many times.

Keith didn’t need a hug from Lance to know he would be there for him. He knew that already.

But when he looked at Lance, he noticed Lance looked unsettled and fidgety. Like he wanted to ask Keith something, but didn’t know how to phrase it or if he should ask it at all.

“Keith”, Lance started, and Keith’s stomach dropped from the sound of his voice. Like he was going to ask something Keith definitely did not want to answer. “I don’t know, man”, he ran a hand over his face, “but…was I – what I asked you the other day – was that even part of the reason you left? I know it wasn’t the whole, obviously, but”, he looked at Keith with a look saying he definitely did not want to hear the answer to this. “Did it have even a small part in this?”

Keith looked at everyone but Lance. Everyone’s confounded expressions. They had no idea what Lance was talking about. Keith wondered if what surprised them even more was that Keith and Lance actually interacted with civility when left alone.

Wait, the way Lance put it, it could be interpreted as a fight.

So they were just surprised that Keith and Lance had a fight that didn’t wake the rest of the castle.

Lance still looked like he didn’t want to know the answer. Keith still didn’t want to answer.

“I guess I thought about it once”, Keith admitted in a small voice, hoping it wouldn’t reach Lance.

But quiznak, the universe really hated Keith. Lance heard his reply.

Rushing to explain, Keith said, “What you said didn’t make any sense.” The shock on Lance’s face persisted. “You’re a vital part of Voltron, and it didn’t make any sense that you thought you should -”, Keith never got to finish because Lance surged forward to hug him.

Lance.

Hugged.

Keith.

Keith would never get Lance. With all that rivalry shit, he was certain Lance would be the last person in the universe to hug him.

“I’m sorry”, he mumbled near Keith’s ear. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you why you were pulling away from us. I’m sorry I – we – weren’t there for you. I’m so sorry, Keith.”

Lance didn’t really have anything he had to apologize for, but yet here he was apologizing.

Keith had cried enough for one day. Didn’t Lance see that?

He felt three pairs of arms slide around him, making him laugh through his tears.

“You know that you can talk to us anytime, about anything, right?” Allura asked.

Keith nodded, even though he knew they wouldn’t see it.

“It was just -” he croaked out, “- really quiet. All of you had gone silent. You guys were never like that before and all I could think of -”, he couldn’t say it out loud. It was way too scary.

Allura, Hunk and Pidge squeezed him, and Lance shifted his palms so one of them fitted in the small of his back and the other behind his neck, fingers in his hair. “I know”, he whispered, comfortingly, his hands soothing out the knots in Keith's hair.

From the sniffles around him, he was certain Pidge and Hunk were crying, which despite his emotional fatigue, made him want to laugh.

“Just made a mental note to cry out loud every time we’re about to die and one of you isn’t around”, Hunk said, his voice faintly hoarse.

This time Keith laughed out loud.

He could feel them all relax hearing his laughter and Hunk was no doubt beaming at his achievement.

“And Keith”, Lance said, “I know the Blade is important to you. But obviously we are important to you too - more important, I'm sure -, so it’d be really nice if you’d make time for us sometime from your busy schedule of self-sacrifice.”

There. Lance was back again.

He felt someone move their hand to hit Lance, making him giggle. He heard Pidge then, “And since you're obviously important to us – all – too -”, she said, enunciating the all, while no doubt giving Lance The Look. “- we’re going to make time out so we can hang out with each other. It’s really quiet when you and Lance aren’t trying to rip each other’s heads off.”

All of them loosened their grips around him, except Lance, who held on a moment longer to say, “I actually like crying Keith better than your loner persona.”

“Persona?” Keith whined, despite the fire making its way up to his face.

“C’mon, Keith”, Pidge grinned. “We all know you like hugs better than your emo music.”

Keith scrunched his face up in denial. She wasn’t far from the truth, but only because they were in space without any rock music, another thing he'd never admit out loud.

“Wait”, Hunk started, “you all know Keith has a sense of humor right. This guy here can crack jokes that make people laugh.”

All of them except Keith laughed. “Why are you all laughing?” Keith asked indignantly.

They tried to hide their giggles behind their palms, “No reason.”

When they began to exit the room, Hunk and Allura stood by Keith’s side, slipping their palms into his hands.

Although confused, Keith appreciated the gesture, so he let them hold his hands.

“What kind of a Keith joke made Hunk laugh?” Lance asked smugly.

Crush or no crush, Keith wanted to punch Lance right now.

He growled but didn’t reply, feeling too drained to think of a snarky comment right now.

The rest of them kept talking, along the way, not asking Keith to talk but occasionally asking his opinion.

Halfway to the castle’s control center, Hunk and Allura switched with Lance and Pidge. Finally understanding what they were doing, a small smile creeped up Keith’s face.

He really loved these people.

Unlike Hunk and Allura who were still, every time Pidge wanted to tell Keith something or wanted his input, she’d tug his arm down and Lance had been swinging their arms since he’d taken Keith’s hand.

Usually he’d get annoyed, but it made him especially fond today.

Eventually Pidge too let go of his hand but Lance hadn’t. Instead, Keith noticed Lance turn his head toward him from his periphery.

Expecting a jab, Keith turned to face him, but Lance didn’t look like he was going to make fun of Keith. He had an odd expression on his face instead.

Keith noticed a faint red hue staining Lance’s brown skin. “I missed you.”

Keith’s head buzzed, stomach twisting itself into knots. Till Keith remembered what Lance told him before he left. Rolling his eyes bitterly, he said, “I know, Lance. You didn't have any one to make fun of.”

Lance snorted and looked away from Keith, “I guess I missed that too.”

Keith felt his heart stop for a minute there, taking in what Lance said.

Then, his lips turned up in a grin, Lance's admission leaving Keith feeling all giddy and happy all of a sudden.

Lance really, actually genuinely missed him. And he admitted it. Out loud. To Keith.

Pressing down the urge to laugh, Keith answered, “I missed you too.”

They both grinned at each other for one stretched-out special moment. Then Lance looked back ahead, Keith mirroring his movements.

Keith knew that he would spiral back down again. He knew he’d probably have another breakdown when he was alone. But also knew he wasn’t ever truly alone. He had Lance, Pidge, Hunk, Allura, Shiro and Coran. He had his family. And regardless of what he felt at the moment, he reminded himself, that they did in fact care about him. As much as he cared about them.

When they’d almost reached the castle’s central controls, Lance stopped swinging their arms in between.

But he didn’t let go.