Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Yoongi sat at the dinner table, staring down at his plate. None of the other members commented on his lack of appetite, though a small part of him wished they would realize and reach out to him. He was working harder than ever, but the others didn’t know that all that work was worthless. They didn’t know all the hours he spent in front of his computer, all the hours spent violently typing away, all added up to nothing. That by the end of the night – when the sun finally started to rise and Yoongi felt so drained he wasn’t sure he could even take one more breath – the page was blank on the screen, the curser blinking like a heartbeat monitor that only stopped when he closed the tab without saving.

He excused himself, leaving his barely touched dinner on the counter. He knew Jin would want to wrap it up, but Yoongi didn’t have enough energy to do it himself. He went to his room and looked at his bed, wanting nothing more than to curl up in his covers and block out the world for a few hours, but he knew he needed to try again.

Try again, that’s what he did every day. Work, erase, repeat.

A small orange bottle caught his eye and he grimaced. His doctor had prescribed antidepressants, but he hated them. He hated how numb they made him feel. For months he took the little green pills – so small that an entire handful barely weighed anything – but in those months he felt more dead than ever before.

So he stopped taking them. No one knows he stopped - the rest of the band, his managers, even his doctor – they all thought he was still being treated for this painful darkness that seemed to settle in his veins and put down roots in his body until he was suffocating.

Yoongi sighed and went to put on his shoes.

“Hyung, are you leaving again?” Jungkook asked softly. Despite being taller than Yoongi, Jungkook always seemed so small to the elder.

“I have to get some work done.” He responded dully. He ignored the flash of fear on the younger’s face.

“Can’t you stay in tonight?” He asked, sounding more like a child than he had in years. The sudden vulnerability in his maknae’s voice caused Yoongi to pause.

“You have the other hyungs,” He said casually. “You don’t need me.”

“Please hyung,” Jungkook grabbed his sleeve. Even Yoongi couldn’t ignore the shaking of the younger’s hands twisted in the fabric of his shirt. “Please don’t go.”

“I’m just going to the studio-”

“No,” Jungkook had never interrupted his hyung before. Yoongi swallowed his words at how broken the other boy sounded. “Don’t go. Don’t try to leave us again.”
Yoongi felt his heart stop. Jungkook must have felt Yoongi freeze because he looked in the elder’s eyes for the first time. The two stared at each other for what felt like hours before Yoongi finally looked away and shook Jungkook’s hand off his sleeve.

“I’ll be back,” he said, his voice monotone. He ignored the sniffles coming from behind him. “Don’t forget to lock the door when you go to bed.”

And Yoongi walked out of the dorm.

“How did he know?” Yoongi asked himself as he walked down the damp sidewalk. The rain earlier had been much needed, but it left the air humid and thick even hours later. Yoongi had been so careful last time, but somehow the younger still managed to find out. He thought back to the morning he woke up, only a few weeks before.

Yoongi woke up, his stomach revolting violently and his head throbbing painfully. He barely managed to make it to the bathroom before he emptied the contents of his stomach. Bits and pieces from the night before floated to him and he found himself sobbing on the bathroom floor. Between the alcohol and the pills, Min Yoongi should not have woken up that morning. Yet there he was, alive and regretting it. Regretting the attempt, or regretting waking up, he didn’t know.

He went back to his bed and saw his suicide note on his bedside table, still folded neatly. He grimaced and threw it under his bed with the hundreds of other papers that had been discarded. He hadn’t heard the footsteps going into his room when he was in the bathroom, nor did he hear the silent keening coming from the other bedroom moments later.

He pushed the door to Genius Labs and felt himself relax. As stressed as he got within these walls, the familiarity of his studio definitely gave him a sense of home. He booted up his computer and opened a new document, praying to whatever god was listening that he would come up with something he wouldn’t have to delete at the end of the night.

Yoongi started typing, the words flowing from his mind easily for once. He wasn’t necessarily writing lyrics, but he was writing which was a start. He stopped after what felt like hours and let his hands fall onto his lap. A particular line caught his eye.

“Run away, run away from your problems. Leave them behind along with those who care. Pretend you’re okay and break, break down, down.” He read, the feeling of the darkness rooting in his stomach getting stronger. Jungkook looked terrified, and it was all his fault.

Yoongi checked his phone and saw it was only nine, so he did something he had never done before while working. He called Jungkook. The maknae picked up on the second ring, clearly confused. When Yoongi was working, no one was to disturb him. He never, ever, reached out to anyone when he was in the studio.

“Hyung?”

“Hey Kookie…” Yoongie didn’t know what to say now that he had the younger on the phone. “I, um, got some work done and wanted to take a break. Did you want to grab some food with me?”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.” The youngest said quickly before hanging up. Yoongi felt himself smile.

Seven minutes later there was a frantic banging on the door. Before Yoongi could say ‘come in’, Jungkook threw the door open and looked to the older man with a wide grin.

“Where did you wanna go Hyung?” He asked, almost bouncing. He was panting slightly, which Yoongi took to mean he ran from the dorms to the studio.

“I don’t really know what’s open this late.” He ran a hand through his hair, realizing he didn’t think this far.

“There’s a fast food place in town that’s open until one,” Jungkook’s smile seemed to widen and Yoongi felt his chest squeeze. “Tae hyung and I sneak out and go for fries all the time.”

“Sounds good- wait did you say you sneak out?” He whipped his head around to look at the maknae, who at least had the decency to look a little ashamed.

“If you don’t tell Joon hyung, we’ll invite you to go next time.” He said seriously. Yoongi had to bite back a laugh, and it felt so good.

“I’ll hold you to that kid. Now, lead the way. I need something that will ultimately kill me right about now.”

“So we tried hiding in an alleyway, but it was filled with rats! I tried to run but Tae wanted to try to feed them.” Jungkook was telling Yoongi about the time he and Taehyung were spotted on one of their late night adventures and were almost eaten alive by rats because Tae thought it would be a good idea to give all their left over fries to the animals.

“How have you not been killed yet?” Yoongi grinned, his chest feeling light for the first time in months.

“Honestly? Spite.” Jungkook took a large bite of his burger and Yoongi laughed so hard at the unexpected answer that he snorted into his drink. Jungkook couldn’t help but grin at his hyung. Seeing Yoongi smile and laugh again seemed almost like a dream.

“You’re outrageous.” Yoongi said fondly as he finished his fries. He was definitely going to regret eating so much fried food in the morning but right then, in that moment, it was worth it. He didn’t notice the younger had fallen silent until he spoke.

“Hyung, you know we care about you, right?” He asked suddenly, shocking Yoongi.

“Of course Kookie.” He murmured, not sure where the conversation was going.

“We know how hard you work, and we know you’re even harder on yourself,” Jungkook placed his hands on his lap and chewed on his lower lip. “I – we – just want you make sure you know how important you are. Without you, we wouldn’t be BTS. Without you, we wouldn’t be a family.”

“You’d get on just fine without me.” Yoongi couldn’t help the small, sad smile that slipped though. Jungkook physically flinched at his offhanded comment.

“I read your note, hyung.” His voice shook. Yoongi froze. “I didn’t tell anyone else, but I read it when you were in the bathroom. I was going to confront you, but I heard you sobbing and I just… I put it back and went to my room. I didn’t know what to do… I can’t lose you hyung.”

“Don’t worry Kookie,” Yoongi felt tears running down his cheeks but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. “You’re not going to lose me. I just… things have been hard lately. I feel like I haven’t written anything good, or even halfway decent. It’s hard to be a songwriter who can’t write.”

“I can help,” Jungkook instantly offered. Yoongi looked the younger in the eye and was almost surprised at the fire he saw there. “I can stay with you in your studio and bring you food and help when you get stuck and-”

“Alright kid, if you want to hang out with a pissy asshole like me, feel free.” Yoongi laughed despite the weird tightness in his chest. He didn’t know why Jungkook was so adamant about staying with him.

“You’re not an asshole,” All the fire left Jungkook’s voice as he all but slumped back into his seat. “You need to stop saying such negative things about yourself. You’re amazing hyung, and you’re literally the only person who doesn’t see it.”

“Kookie…” Yoongi wasn’t expecting such seriousness from the younger, but looking carefully at the boy across from him, Yoongi realized something.

Jungkook wasn’t a kid anymore. He hadn’t been a kid for a long, long time. His face no longer had the baby cheeks Yoongi always associated him with in his mind. He didn’t smile as often, and the bags under his eyes looked almost painful. Jungkook wasn’t a kid anymore, and Yoongi felt like he missed seeing him grow up.

“I just want you to know how important you are.” Jungkook’s voice sounded so lost, so broken. It shattered Yoongi’s heart.

“Jungkook, can I tell you something?” He said quietly. The younger just nodded and Yoongi took a breath to steady himself. “I haven’t been taking my medication. I stopped a few weeks ago. As much as it keeps my lows from being too low, it kept me in this numb nothingness all the time. Sure, I couldn’t feel depressed but I sure as hell couldn’t feel happy. And yeah, now I delete everything I write, but at least I can write now. Before I would just stare at a blank document. I wasn’t even able to put my hands on the keyboard.”

“I figured as much. I noticed how you’ve been more down lately, but at least you’ve been showing some sort of emotion. It was scary seeing you walk around like a zombie all the time. That, and you didn’t go to refill your prescription last week when the pharmacy called the dorm.”

“I’m sorry Kookie…” Yoongi felt tears pricking his eyes despite just having wiped his cheeks clear from the last bout of tears and he hated himself for it. He was the hyung – he was supposed to be strong for Jungkook. He felt a warm hand cover his and looked up to see the boy in question looked at him with a soft smile.

“What are you apologizing for?” He asked, giving Yoongi’s hand a soft squeeze.

“I’m supposed to stay strong for you, but here we are. I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty hyung and a shitty band member and a shitty-”

“You’re none of those things,” Jungkook cut him off harshly. “You are not shitty at all. You’ve been such a supportive hyung. You’re the one who encourages us to write and take pictures and to express ourselves. Sure, you’re a little crass sometimes but sometimes we need that, you know? We’ve been away from our parents for so long that we need a little bit of bluntness to keep us in line, and you know Jin hyung and Joon hyung wouldn’t really discipline us over little things, even if we deserve it.”

“Kookie….” Yoongi was crying again, in the middle of the fast food restaurant. Jungkook just smiled, his eyes turning up.

“Come on hyung, let’s go see what you’ve been working on. Maybe we can recover some of the other documents too. Bits and pieces can be worked together to make something new.”

Yoongi let himself be pulled out of the restaurant by the younger and back to the studio, where Jungkook fiddled with his computer and managed to pull up all the unsaved documents from the past week and a half. By the time the sun was rising, the two of them had written a whole song and already started on the music for it.

“Thanks Jungkook.” Yoongi said softly as they made their way back to the dorms.

“I didn’t do anything hyung, that was all you.” He grinned his signature grin, and Yoongi couldn’t help but return it with a gummy smile of his own.

“I really mean it,” Yoongi stopped the taller boy in front of the dorm door. “I… I never would have gotten all of that done on my own. I really owe you, for pulling me out of my thoughts and kicking my ass into gear.” Jungkook’s grin faded into something softer as he pulled the older into a tight hug. At first, Yoongi froze, but he quickly relaxed.

“Let’s get to bed,” Jungkook said when he felt Yoongi start to pull away. “I’m sure you’re tired, and Joon hyung is going to pitch a fit when he realizes be both stayed out so late.”

The two exchanged a knowing look when the door opened and a very miffed looking Namjoon stood there, one hand on his hip and his phone in the other.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?”

Chapter Text

Park Jimin stared at himself in the mirror with a frown. Despite gaining more muscle and working out more, his cheeks refused to slim down. No matter how much he looked at his body, he couldn’t help but focus on the roundness of his face, on the thickness of his arms, on the slight give his stomach had. The fans knew him as ‘Park Jimin with the abs’ not ‘Park Jimin, sack of lard’ and it was slowly killing him.

“Hyung?” Jungkook knocked on the bathroom door gently. “Jin hyung said dinner was ready. He had to go do something so we don’t have to eat at the table tonight.”

“Okay Kookie, I’ll be out in a second.” Jimin said, his face slowly twisting into a grimace at the thought of eating. He froze when he realized what he was thinking.
He had been there before – throwing up over his fingers until his vision went black, shaking so hard from malnourishment that he passed out on stage. He had sat through therapy and the tearful talks with his members. He saw the support he had received from ARMY when he finally talked about what had happened…

So why was he thinking that way again? He was supposed to be better.

“Jiminie hyung? I made you up a plate,” Jungkook called again, sounding unsure. “We’re going to watch a movie if you want to join us.”

“Coming.” Jimin called back, shaking his head in hopes of physically dislodging the thoughts from his mind.

Jungkook had set up a little nest of blankets in the living room, where he and Tae were already seated. Some American movie was playing on the television, so Jimin knew it was going to be bad. When Jungkook saw him come out, the younger moved over to make room for him between the two of them. There was a plate of chicken fingers, rice and some sort of honey glazed carrot concoction on the plate that was obviously for him, and Jimin felt his stomach flip.

“Are you okay? You look a little sick…” Jungkook’s voice brought Jimin from his thoughts and he blinked a few times.

“You might be right,” He whispered. He was sick, but not to his stomach. “I think I’m going to go to bed. I’ll eat it in the morning. Thank Jin hyung for me when he gets back?”

Before either Tae or Jungkook could respond, Jimin was gone. He closed the door to his room and threw himself on his bed. Laying on his back, he could feel his stomach ooze to the sides. His hands began to wander his torso, and he really did feel himself grow sick when he could barely feel his ribs, when his hipbones barely stuck out. He wasn’t getting better, Jimin realized. He was only getting fatter and he was the only one to blame.

Park Jimin promised himself that he would fix his mistakes and make himself better again.

“60 kg… not enough.” Jimin whispered to himself as he looked at the scale under his feet. A few days had passed since he made his discovery, but he had forgotten how hard it was to get into eating less and working out more. A part of him wished he had never stopped in the first place.

“Jiminie hyung, we have to go get ready for that interview, remember?” Jungkook knocked on the bathroom door. Jimin felt a flash of irritation that it was always the maknae that seemed to catch him in situations like this.

“Give me a second.” He called back as he carefully slid the scale back between the toilet and the wall, where it would remain unseen by the other members.

The interview went by as interviews do – being asked stupid questions that had been answered time and time again, all the while having to grin and act as though it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Ah, here’s a question from our audience,” The hostess said brightly. “How would you describe yourself in one word?”

“Handsome.” Jin spoke first, causing everyone to laugh. He grinned and struck a small pose – to entertain the audience as well as to give the other members a second to think.

“Hope.” Hoseok said next, more seriously than anyone expected him to. “I bring hope to those who can’t find their own.”

“Lazy.” Yoongi said flatly. Jimin felt a pang in his chest. He knew when Yoongi called himself lazy, it was his way of hiding his depression.

“Golden.” Jungkook grinned his signature grin and winked at the camera, causing the audience to explode again. These were all such scripted answers, Jimin noted in his head.

“Tired.” Namjoon laughed, causing the hostess to laugh along. “I’m so tired after watching over these kids all day.”

“We’re not kids anymore hyung!” Jungkook protested, causing more laughter. Scripted.

“Creative.” Taehyung said, almost carefully – as if he was expecting someone to shut him down because of it.

“Ah, that’s right! V here enjoys drawing, right?” The hostess smiled at him, and Tae seemed to brighten at her encouragement.

“I do! But it’s just a hobby.”

“You’ll have to show us some of your drawings next time.”

“Big.” Jimin said quietly. He hadn’t meant to let the word slip out. He was supposed to say something like ‘cute’ or ‘funny’.

“Big?” The hostess asked, confused.

“Um, I have a big personality!” Jimin forced a laugh, trying to cover his tracks. “I dance big, and I have big vocals.”

“Oh I see!” The hostess lit up, buying his cover up. Jimin could feel the tension within the group of boys though, and knew he was going to have to face them the second they got back to the dorms. “Well, it’s always sad to see them go, but that’s all the time we have for today!”

“Jiminie hyung, are you alright?” Jungkook asked quietly when they were in the van back to the dorms.

“Of course Kookie, why wouldn’t I be?”

“No reason…” Jungkook turned to look out the window, but didn’t completely erase the concern on his face. Jimin swallowed and prayed the youngest would drop it.

When they got back to the dorm, no one was awake enough to cook, so Namjoon suggested take out. Jin tried to protest for a moment before he threw himself onto the couch and fell asleep almost instantly. Namjoon made the order and hopped in the shower first before anyone could argue over it.

Jimin tried to fight the fear from his face at the thought of take out. At least with the meals that Jin cooked, he knew what was in it and could fake eating more than necessary, but this was different. Take out had sodium and carbs and sugars hidden in things that shouldn’t have it. Take out came with huge servings that never seemed to be dented even if you ate your fill. Take out was the last thing Jimin wanted.

“I think I’m just going to go to bed.” He tried to sidle past but a hand caught his sleeve.

“You haven’t eaten anything today hyung,” Jungkook looked at him with those wide, worried eyes that Jimin learned to dread seeing. “Just have a little before going to sleep?”

“Fine…” Jimin already felt sick, just by agreeing to eat. He went into the kitchen and got a large glass of ice water, which he gladly finished in only a few gulps. He refilled it and went back to the living room area. He sipped on the second glass while they waited for the food to arrive. In that time, Hobi had finished his shower and Jin was getting in.

Jimin was broken from his thoughts when a warm container was placed on his lap. His stomach contracted painfully as the smell of the food seemed to attack him. He stood to refill his empty glass one more time before taking a pair of the disposable chopsticks that came with the meal and began to pick at the food carefully. He heard Jin leave the bathroom and Yoongi take his place.

He tried to only eat the vegetables, and made sure to drink some water in between each bite. In under ten minutes, he felt full. He heard the water go off in the shower, which meant either Jungkook or Taehyung had just finished. Jimin felt someone sit closer to him and violently jerked away when a hand on his thigh broke him from his thoughts. He looked over at an equally as shocked looking Jungkook, who had only been trying to get his attention.

“Here, hyung,” Jungkook lifted some noodles from his own tray to Jimin’s mouth. “Please eat a little more. You’ve only been picking at your plate all evening.

“I’m not hungry Kookie.” Jimin tried to push the younger away, but he wasn’t having it.

“Come on, just a bite or two. Please?” He sounded so hopeful that Jimin couldn’t help but open his mouth for the bite being held up to him. He let Jungkook feed him four bites before Taehyung exited the bathroom.

“I’m going to take a shower now, if that’s okay with you,” Jimin started, then realized something. “Actually, you go first Jungkook. I’ll clean up here and go after you.”

“Are you sure?” Jungkook was used to taking the last shower, which meant getting the brunt of the cold water – exactly what Jimin wanted. Cold showers burnt calories.

“You always take the last shower. You go enjoy the hot water.” Jimin smiled but internally cringed as he felt his cheeks move with the gesture. Why was it, no matter how much weight he lost, his cheeks never slimmed out?

“If you’re sure hyung…” Jungkook hesitated, but saw Jimin was serious when the older boy started to clean up the dishes and went to the kitchen.

Jimin heard the shower start up again and sighed. He hadn’t anticipated eating so much, and now his stomach was churning painfully. He washed the dishes and tidied up the living room, waiting for the shower to be free. He downed another glass of water in hopes of easing the convulsions in his stomach, but it only succeeded in making the bile rise in the back of his throat.

Just as he was about to throw up in the sink, the shower turned off. Jungkook came out faster than Tae, his body covered only by his favorite dark blue towel. Jimin made a beeline for the bathroom, not bothering to grab clothes beforehand and instantly turned the water on.

Some habits from before where hard to get back into, but others seemed to come naturally. As soon as the shower was on, he dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and shoved his fingers down his throat, not caring that he could feel his fingernails draw blood. He purged all of the dinner he ate, as well as the four glasses of water he forced himself to drink.

The toilet looked disgusting, but then again so did Jimin. He didn’t flush yet – the first time he did that, Jungkook asked why he flushed in the middle of his shower. He made an excuse that he was trying to make the water hotter. He didn’t think the younger believed him.

Finally, stomach empty and throat sore, Jimin stripped and stepped into the icy water.

“56 kg.” Jimin looked at the scale with a small smile. He licked his chapped lips and sighed. It was finally working again. It had taken almost two weeks to get back into the habits he needed, but he was seeing progress finally.

He jumped as someone knocked on the door. He quickly put the scale away and opened the door, hoping it wasn’t Jungkook. The maknae had been the most perceptive the past two weeks, and it was driving Jimin insane. The youngest seemed to be the only one to notice him not eating, and did everything in his power to destroy what little progress he had made so far.

“Jiminie hyung?” Jungkook looked at the shorter boy with wide, almost scared eyes.

“Bathroom is all yours Kookie.” Jimin said, trying to sneak past him. Jungkook caught his arm, and he felt his chest constrict at how small it felt in his hand. Had things really gotten that bad again?

“Jimin-” Jungkook tried to catch his attention again but Jimin quickly went to his room, leaving the younger alone.

Jimin stood in his room, shirt thrown on the bed somewhere. He let his fingers trace his ribs, which were just starting to show again. He let his touch hesitate over his stomach, not feeling the tautness of the muscles under the skin but rather fat. There wasn’t any fat, of course, but Jimin mistook the softness of his own skin as the give of fat and felt his empty stomach heave. He felt hot tears run down his still round cheeks as he dug his nails into the skin of his stomach. His nails were short and brittle from purging, but they still caused damage to his abdomen.

He felt himself fall to his knees, but was too wrapped up in the sobs that were ripping their way from his chest to notice the dull pain in his knees from hitting the floor. He tried to rip his skin off with his nails, desperately trying to remove the imaginary fat he thought he saw on his stomach.

“HYUNG!” A voice broke through Jimin’s sobs, and he curled into himself. He didn’t want anyone else to see how disgusting he was. Warm hands were on him, pulling his own hands away from his stomach and wrapping around his torso in a tight embrace.

“Jungkook?” Jimin whispered, his voice hoarse from sobbing.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us that you were feeling this way again?” Jungkook asked into his neck, his arms tightening around the other boy.

“I just want to be better.” Jimin didn’t think he had any tears left in him, but he surprised himself as he began to soak Jungkook’s shirt.

“You’re perfect the way you are hyung,” Jungkook never loosened his hold. “What would we do if something bad happened to you Jiminie? We can’t lose you.”

“But, what if Army thinks-”

“I can tell you right now the only thing they’re going to think is how scared they are for your health. Remember last time? How much support and love you got? I know for a fact that they’d rather see you happy and healthy than anything else.”

“But-”

“No buts hyung. I need you to stand up so I can see your stomach, okay?” Jungkook asked gently, afraid to upset the older. Jimin just nodded numbly and untangled his hands from the younger’s shirt, doing what Jungkook asked.

His stomach was a mess of red welts, some so bad that bruising was already starting to form in the shape of claw marks across his skin. Thankfully none of the marks had drawn blood, but Jungkook knew they were going to be painful.

“Stay here for a second, okay?” He asked, waiting for a verbal ‘alright’ from Jimin before going to his room. He returned with one of his favorite sweaters. It had been one of the first things Jungkook had bought himself because of how soft the yarn was, plus it was too big even for Jungkook, which he loved for relaxing in. He knew it would be good for Jimin because it was warm and soft, and big enough not to bother his wounds much.

“That’s your favorite sweater.” Jimin said softly when he saw what Jungkook was holding. Jungkook juts smiled and helped it over the other’s head.

“And you’re my favorite hyung,” He smiled and winked. “Just don’t tell the others. I said the same thing to them too.” That got a chuckle from Jimin, and a little of the worry on Jungkook’s face seemed to melt away.

“Yo Kook, you ready?” Tae stuck his head in and instantly froze as he took in Jimin’s tear streaked face and the large sweater he was wearing. “Do… we want to go another night?”

“No, this’ll be good for him,” Jungkook turned from Tae to Jimin with a careful look. “Jimin, Tae and I are going to sneak out of the dorm and get fries. Would you like to come with us? You don’t have to eat a lot if you aren’t feeling up to it.” Jimin hesitated, but he saw the hope glimmering in Jungkook’s eyes and couldn’t help but say yes.

“As long as we don’t get in trouble.” He said softly.

“We’ve been doing this for years and we haven’t been caught yet.” Tae grinned his boxy smile and Jimin couldn’t help but smile back. As they were about to sneak out the door, Jungkook stopped.

“Hold on.” He said quickly and rushed into a bedroom. A moment later, he returned followed by a sleepy Yoongi.

“Kook what the hell-” Tae hissed, barely okay with Jimin coming. This was their thing. Jungkook and Taehyung – not Jungkook, Taehyung and the rest of the band.

“I let slip that we sneak out to hyung and promised to take him next time if he didn’t tell Joon hyung.” Jungkook looked sheepish, and as upset as Tae was, he knew the youngest was just trying to make everyone happy.

“Alright then, you two better keep your mouth shut,” Tae whispered as they left the dorm. “This is the highlight of my week and if I lose this I’m going to cry.”

“Watch it!” Yoongi cried despite the smile on his face. Their group of four were alone in the restaurant save a few other drunk teenagers on the other side of the building. “These poor workers don’t get paid enough to clean up your mess.”

“It’s not my fault,” Tae tried to defend himself as Jungkook grinned evilly. “Kook kept stealing my fries when he has a whole tray of his own!”

“So your defense was to throw more of your fries at him?” Jimin asked, not bothering to hold back his grin.

“I-” Tae seemed to realize the flaw in his attack and slumped down in his booth seat with a pout. The others laughed and went back to whatever conversation they were having.

Jimin listened more than talked, enjoying the company and a small pile of fries on his own tray. He didn’t know what it was – how late it was, or the company, or the complete lack of expectations –but he really was having a good time. He didn’t even focus on the fries he was putting into his stomach.

“Oh shit, they’re going to come kick us out soon.” Jungkook said after checking his phone.

“I have to use the bathroom real fast first.” Jimin said, not thinking. Jungkook jumped to his feet, fear in his eyes.

“Um, me too,” He bit back a stutter. “Too much soda I guess.”

The two made their way to the dimly lit but surprisingly clean restrooms in the back of the restaurant. They used the bathroom and washed their hands in silence, Jungkook watching Jimin from the corner of his eye the entire time.

“I’m really proud of you hyung.” He said quietly. Jimin almost missed his words over the sound of the hand dryer.

“Proud? I didn’t do anything.” He tried to brush it off.

“Exactly. You didn’t try to purge the fries.”

“How did you-?” Jimin felt his chest clench.

“How did I know the term or how did I know you did it?”

“Both I guess…”

“When you first went through this, I did a lot of research. I was the one who actually brought it up to Joon hyung that I thought something was wrong. Because of that, I was able to see the signs returning. Running to the bathroom after every meal, drinking water before every meal, inbetween each bite and after. The scabs on your fingers. I know you try to hide it, but I’ve been paying attention hyung. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Kookie…” Jimin had no idea Jungkook was worried enough to not only research, but to notice it again after all that time. He felt like someone punched him in the stomach. He made his maknae afraid, and didn’t realize it.

“Please Jimin. It’s… it’s absolutely horrifying to see someone you care for literally waste away right in front of your eyes.”

“I’m sorry.” Jimin felt tears threatening to spill but he fought them.

“I know how much you hated the treatment they made you go through,” Jungkook started carefully. “So I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to, on the condition that you eat as many meals as you can with me, okay?”

“I don’t-”

“I know you can do it hyung,” Jungkook looked Jimin straight in the eyes. Jimin was blown away at the fire burning in the younger. “You’ve done it before. You’re more than strong enough. You just need a little help along the way.”

“Jungkook I…”

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course.” The certainty in his voice gave Jungkook hope.

“Then we’re going to be okay,” He grinned at Jimin, who couldn’t help but grin back. “Come on, Yoongi hyung and Tae hyung are probably waiting for us.”

“What took you guys to long?” Yoongi asked as soon as they came into sight. The four began walking in the direction of the dorms.

“Nothing.” Jungkook grinned as he looked up at the stars.

“In that bathroom of all places?” Tae asked with a mischievous grin. It took a moment for Jimin to realize what he was implying, but Jungkook beat him to smacking Tae upside the head.

“You nasty ass-” Jungkook chased Taehyung around the empty street, their voices bouncing off the silent buildings. Jimin looked from the two that were bound to be hit by a car to Yoongi who was still walking silently next to him.

He looked tired, but for the first time in what felt like years he looked just physically tired – not soul tired. Jimin glanced back at Jungkook, who had tripped and was laughing hysterically on the cool asphalt.

“He’s something, isn’t he?” Yoongi asked, his eyes also trained on the youngest.

“How is he the youngest?” Jimin mused with a smirk. Yoongi didn’t answer, but simply hummed which Jimin took to mean ‘I’m wonder the same thing sometimes’.

“Come on you two, Joonie is going to have your asses if he catches you out this late.” Yoongi called to Tae and Kookie, who came bounding over to him like dogs that had been set free in a field and had been called by their owner.

“Why just our asses?” Tae asked with a slight pant.

“Cuz I’m Joon’s hyung and even though he’s the leader I can do whatever the fuck I want.” Yoongi smirked and the other three burst into laughter.

Just as they approached the dorms, the door swung open again – this time showing a very disgruntled Namjoon and Jin.

“I should have known it was you.” Namjoon growled as he pulled the younger members inside.

“You woke up half the town!” Jin scolded, but Tae and Jungkook couldn’t help but snicker.

“What are we going to do with you children?” Namjoon ran a hand through his already sleep tousled hair.

“Sorry mom and dad, we promise to be quieter next time we sneak out.” Taehyung said, still snickering.

“Get your assess to bed,” Joon sighed, not really caring enough to punish them. “I can’t believe you snuck out when you know we have practice tomorrow – today… I’m getting too old for this shit.” He grumbled and made his way back to his bed. The others did the same, going in every which direction to their respective beds until just Jungkook and Jimin remained awake.

“Hyung?” Jungkook whispered, getting the elder’s attention. He wrapped his arms around Jimin and pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you Jungkook.” Jimin whispered back, not letting the embrace end just yet.

Chapter Text

Kim Taehyung stared at himself in the mirror. He tried to smile, but the usually boxy grin looked more like a pained grimace. He dropped the smile and mapped out his face.

The same eyebrows, the same eyes, the same nose. He was the same Taehyung, so why did something feel off?

The night before he and Jungkook were supposed to get fries – just the two of them, like usual. But that’s not what happened. Jungkook had invited Jimin and Yoongi hyung as well. It’s not that Tae didn’t have a good time with the others, its’ just that those late night trips were HIS time. The time where he was not only included, but the main focus of attention.

He couldn’t fight the feeling of dread growing in his stomach.

Was Jungkook going to replace him?

“Ya! Who’s in the bathroom this time?” Jin’s voice came from the other side of the door and Tae flinched. He quickly washed his hands and let, keeping his head down.

Taehyung was good at several things. Breaking the rules was just one of them. Though their managers had tried to keep it so they couldn’t access certain websites to avoid any negative comments being read, Tae easily found a way around it.

One of his many passions included watching the compilations and videos that Army made for them. He was particularly fond of the Tae-centric ones, but he also liked seeing what everyone felt the funniest moments were. There was no end to the amount of love Taehyung could find online, and it made it a little easier to fight the darkness that threatened to consume him.

He was watching one such video when he saw it again. The Harlem shake video that BTS did before debut. It seemed innocent enough, and the other members joked about how ridiculous it was from time to time, but none of them realized what that video meant to Taehyung.

Before debut, Tae was kept secret from the world. No one outside of the band and the direct staff even knew of his existence. It was if Kim Taehyung didn’t exist at all.

He remembered when the others filmed that, as well as all the other promotional stuff they did that conveniently left Tae out. He remembered that day as if it happened just last week, and it made him sick to his stomach.

No one could see him, but Tae had been standing just outside the door, listening to his friends mess around and have fun without him. He wanted to be included to badly that it caused him physical pain, but he only made it as far as resting his fingers on the handle of the door before he gave up and rushed back to the dorm.

Back then, they shared a single room so any alone time was something to be treasured. Unless you were Taehyung that was, who despised his alone time. Anytime he was alone in the dorm it meant everyone else was off doing something he wasn’t allowed to be a part of.

Taehyung pulled out a small camcorder that he had been given when he voiced his displeasure about being left out of the group vlogs. He knew the only reason they listened was because they didn’t have the time to listen to him whine, but he was thankful nonetheless.

At first, he used the camcorder to film little video diaries like the others would, talking about practice and answering fake questions from fake fans that didn’t know about him yet. Soon, however, he started using the small camera as a personal diary. He would cry to and vent to the lifeless lens anytime he was alone rather than going to his hyungs or maknae.

He knew he was replaceable, and it scared him.

Taehyung knew he had to keep certain things hidden, or else they would replace him. He kept his video diaries a secret, not letting anyone know they existed. He kept the dark thoughts and voices in his head that told him to hurt himself because he deserved it because he was going to be replaced because he wasn’t like the others he was an alien he was a freak no one could ever love him- he kept most of his hobbies to himself too.

In the interview, the hostess asked them to describe themselves in one word. A dozen words instantly bombarded Taehyung.

Smart. Unique. Stupid. Worthless. Replaceable. Creative? He liked to draw, a lot actually. But he never really shared that with anyone before. He didn’t want anyone to think he was weirder than they were already bound to believe.

“Creative?” He said, almost as if he was asking permission to say it.

“Ah, yes! V here enjoys drawing, right?” The woman speaking to them seemed so genuine that he felt his whole face light up.

“I do! But it’s just a hobby.” Taehyung felt the need to discredit himself. He didn’t know why. He didn’t want to be seen as an attention seeker. Didn’t want to be seen as a burden. Didn’t want to be replaced.

Taehyung zoned out for the rest of the interview, not noticing the strange answer Jimin gave, nor the worried look from the youngest.

They made it back to the dorm and Taehyung wanted nothing more than to sleep, but he knew he needed to eat. He saw what Jimin had gone through all that time ago and he didn’t want to be a burden. He took his shower when it was his turn, but ended up spending most of the time staring in the mirror.

They said he was handsome. He was even voted most handsome man of 2017, but he really didn’t see it. He saw dark bags and marks that were usually hidden by carefully placed makeup and a smile that never seemed to reach the deadness of his eyes.

But he had to be okay or else they would replace him with someone better.

Not that it would be hard.

Taehyung shook his head and stripped before stepping into the shower. He reveled in the feeling of the hot water working out the knots in his shoulders, and his time in the warmth was quickly coming to an end. With a hesitant hand, Tae turned off the water and worked up the courage to face the real world again.

Just when he felt the hopelessness about to take over, he remembered his plans for the night. He and Jungkook were going to sneak out for midnight fries. Taehyung felt himself smile and this time, it was actually genuine.

Jungkook was the one who first suggested sneaking out, months ago. He was the one who realized the fast food restaurant down the street stayed open until one in the morning, and that if they wore their socks to the front door, their footsteps were almost completely silent. Taehyung loved their late night adventures. This was his time.

When it was just him and Jungkook, Taehyung didn’t feel the threat of being replaced. It was just him and his best friend. No one to take the attention away from him, no pressure to be perfect. This was his time to be accepted. No one could take that away.

Taehyung felt his stomach drop when Jimin followed Jungkook to the door.

Jimin was going to replace him? Jungkook was going to replace him with Jimin?

Taehyung felt his throat close up, but refused to show anything on his face. When Jungkook disappeared again and brought Yoongi with him, Tae felt something snap.

“Alright, well you two better keep your mouth shut,” Taehyung said. There was so much more he wished he had the courage to say, but he was already on thin ice. Oh god, Jungkook really was going to replace him, wasn’t he? “This is the highlight of my week, and if I lose this I’m going to cry.”

It wasn’t as bad as Taehyung thought. Sure, he didn’t have Jungkook’s undivided attention, but spending time with Jimin and Yoongi felt normal. Was this what he missed when he was still a secret? Was this how they acted around each other when Tae wasn’t there?

They made it back to the dorm with minimal scolding from Namjoon, which Taehyung was glad for. As much as he goofed around, being scolded was one thing he couldn’t stand. Whenever someone corrected him, Taehyung felt he was one step closer to being kicked out of the band. When he finally fell asleep that night, he was plagued with nightmares.

"Kim Taehyung, how many times do we have to tell you?” Namjoon said, his voice devoid of any real emotion. “Stop coming to the dorms. You aren’t welcome anymore.”

“But hyung-” Tae tried to gasp out, but it felt as though there was something stuck in his throat, blocking any chance for words to escape.

“You’ve already been replaced. We don’t need you anymore.” Namjoon turned his back on Tae, who desperately cried out and reached for his hyung, but Namjoon was gone.

“No, no, NO! NO! Please don’t leave me!” Taehyung screamed, his voice cracking painfully as the raw desperation bled through.

“Taehyung…” A voice called to him, but Tae was too focused on where Namjoon used to stand.

“Please don’t leave me again.” He sobbed as warm arms wrapped around him.

“Taehyung, please wake up.” Jungkook said urgently. He had woken to the sound of his roommate sobbing in his sleep and instantly rushed to his side, trying to comfort the unconscious boy. Taehyung just kept crying and struggling, as if he was trying to fight something – or someone. The desperation in his sobs broke Jungkook’s heart as he tried again and again to wake his friend.

“K-kookie?” A soft voice said. Jungkook looked Tae in the eyes and felt his heart break all over again. The normally cheerful Taehyung had been reduced to a sobbing mess, his eyes red rimmed and blood shot, his hair messed up and his face pale.

“It’s me Tae,” Jungkook pulled his friend into a tight hug, which the other returned just as crushingly. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

“Please don’t leave me.” Tae started crying again. He seemed to be out of sobs, but that didn’t stop the silent tears from falling down his cheeks.

“I would never leave you,” He whispered into Tae’s hair, feeling the other grip his arms painfully but Jungkook didn’t care. “It was just a dream, okay?”

“A dream…” Tae sounded like he was someplace else, and it scared Jungkook.

“What happened in your dream Tae?” He tried gently, wanting to help the elder but not knowing how.

“You replaced me…” He whimpered, staring at the wall blankly. “I wasn’t good enough. Joon hyung told me to stop coming to the dorms…”

“That will never happen, do you hear me?” Jungkook somehow managed to hug the other tighter. “We could never replace you Kim Taehyung. Do you hear me?”

“I’m worthless.” Tae whispered, eyes still fixed on the same point on the wall.

“Don’t say that,” Jungkook said a little too harshly. He instantly whispered an apology when Tae flinched in his arms. “You are the farthest thing from worthless. We love you so much.”

“You don’t.” Tae moaned quietly, shaking his head.

“Look at me,” When Tae didn’t make an effort to look at Jungkook, the younger physically moved the elder so he would look at him properly. “You mean the world to us Taehyung. Your vocals keep the band together, and your personality keeps our family together. We could never, ever replace you, understand? You are completely, one hundred percent irreplaceable.”

“I’m sorry…” Tae didn’t know what he was apologizing for, but was thankful that Jungkook didn’t press it. He just let his friend hold him as he fell back to sleep, the younger’s words playing over and over in his head.

Taehyung was staring at the wall, unmoving.

The members had individual schedules for the day, except for Tae. Hoseok had a free day as well, but he blew past the younger member that morning without so much as a second glance, leaving Tae alone. Tae had finished what he needed to do for the new song the day before, but that didn’t stop the memories from returning. He felt just as alone as before, maybe even more so. After an hour – hours? He didn’t know anymore – he pried himself from his bed and went to look in his closet for a small black pouch.

He pulled out the old camcorder, not even sure if it worked anymore. Shaking out the old batteries and replacing them with new ones, Tae couldn’t help a small smile when the screen burst to life. He scrolled through the old videos that would never be seen by anyone but him and he realized he was afraid to watch them – afraid to relive the pain of the past. He sat down on his bed and set the camera up on a pillow so it would show his face more than his chest. He hit record and took a deep breath.

“It’s been a long time since I did this…” He realized he felt awkward and mentally scolded himself. He was basically talking to himself, so why would he have any reason to be uncomfortable? He swallowed and tried again. “I’m alone in the dorm for today. Everyone else has their own things to finish up. I did my part yesterday, so I have a free day… but I can’t help but feel like I did before. Jungkookie said I was irreplaceable, but the voices in my head say I’m worthless. I want to believe Kookie, but the voices are so… convincing. They keep telling me to hurt myself, to leave the band before they can kick me out… but the band is my life. I love performing and I love my hyungs and I love Kookie and I love Army… so why do I feel so weird inside? I should be happy, but it feels like there’s an angry snake in my chest that won’t stop biting my heart. I hate feeling this way… I hate myself. I’m so afraid of being replaced… I don’t want to be alone. I’m so afraid of being alone again…” Tae couldn’t say anymore through his sobs. He reached and turned the recording off before burying his face in his pillow, letting the fabric soak up his fears and anxieties.

He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until he heard the front door open. He quickly sat up and shoved the camcorder in its pouch, throwing it in the direction of his closet. He wiped the sleep from his eyes just as Jungkook pushed open the door. When he saw the elder, Jungkook felt himself smile.

“Hyung, your hair is all over the place,” He said with a chuckle. Tae’s hand reached up, but it was no use. His nap had sent his hair in every direction and it would take a lot more than a few pats to right the mess. “Did you eat yet? The others aren’t going to be back for a while so I figured we could order some take out or something.”

“I haven’t eaten yet.” Tae said, hoping the younger wouldn’t pick up on how scratchy his voice sounded.

“You go order from where you want when I change, okay?” Jungkook handed Tae his phone and a few take out menus that he had snagged from the kitchen on his way in. Tae smiled and nodded before heading out to the living room where phone service was slightly less awful.

Jungkook went over to the closet to grab a clean sweatshirt when he accidentally kicked something. He reached down and picked up the small pouch.

Days passed without incident, and Taehyung was feeling a little better. He and Jungkook had snuck out once, just the two of them. As strange as it seemed, Tae almost missed the presence of the other two, but he enjoyed his one on one time with his friend nonetheless.

They had been given a free day, and the boys jumped at the opportunity to relax. Jin, Namjoon and Hoseok had gone shopping early in the morning with no word on when they would return. Yoongi and Jimin had gone to see a movie that the younger had been dying to see. Tae was mildly surprised when Yoongi agreed, but the elder said something about needing to go out and Taehyung understood. Ever since the night at the fast food restaurant, he noticed Yoongi making more of an attempt to fight his depression in healthy ways.

Tae had gone on a walk alone. Jungkook had still been asleep when he decided he wanted to get some fresh air, so he didn’t wake the maknae. The walk was nice, the sun just warm enough to be comforting without beating down on him. He thought he heard his name at one point and took that as his cue to make his way back home.

The dorm was still quiet when he returned, so he just assumed Jungkook was still sleeping and the others were still out. Trying to make as little noise as possible, he made himself a light lunch and sat on the kitchen counter – something he was never allowed to do when Jin was home. Just as he was finishing his sandwich, the sound of frantic, scrambling footsteps made him almost drop the plate into the sink.

“Jungkookie?” He asked, furrowing his brow as the younger sped into the kitchen.

“Tae-” he panted, his eyes frantically searching the other.

“What’s wrong?” Tae asked, crouching in front of Jungkook who had fallen to his knees.

“Have you hurt yourself Taehyung?” Jungkook’s voice was barely a whisper, but Taehyung’s stomach dropped when he realized what the other had asked.

“W-why would-?”

“Please Tae,” Jungkook grabbed his arm and stared him in the eye. “Please be honest with me.”

Taehyung was taken aback by the seriousness coming from the younger member He swallowed dryly, not sure how to answer him. Jungkook whispered another desperate ‘please’ and Tae broke. He barked back a sob as he threw himself in the younger’s arms.

“It’s hard to fight it,” He choked out. Jungkook held him tighter. “The voices scream at me, but I know I have to fight… but it’s so fucking hard.”

“Tae, can I see?” Jungkook only pulled back enough so they could look each other in the eye. Taehyung was still basically sitting in Jungkook’s lap, but neither tried to change position. Taehyung hesitated but finally gathered the courage to stand. He carefully lifted the hem of his shirt, showing the faint white lines on his stomach to the other boy.
Jungkook didn’t gasp, or look shocked like Taehyung had expected. Instead, he seemed relax almost. His fingers reached forward to trace the pale lines with feather light touches and Tae couldn’t help but flinch a little.

“They’ve healed…” Jungkook murmured, the hand not on Tae’s stomach gripping at the fabric of his pajama pant leg.

“I haven’t done anything since before debut,” Taehyung admitted, a spark of pride causing a small smile to form on his lips. “Not that I haven’t been tempted, but you were right. It was worth it all in the end.”

Jungkook didn’t say anything. He just tackled Taehyung to the ground, wrapping the other in an almost choking embrace that Tae retuned almost hungrily. Neither of them said anything, just letting the other soak in the warmth. Finally, Tae was the one to pull back first.

“Thank you Jungkookie.” He said with a genuine smile. Jungkook returned it with a watery grin of his own.

“For what?” He asked, shaking his head a little.

“For caring about me.”

“Of course Tae. You mean so much to me,” His grin softened to something gentler. “Can you promise me something?”

“What?” Tae didn’t mean to sound hesitant.

“Just… come to me next time the voices tell you to hurt yourself? Please? No matter what time it is or what I’m doing. You come first, okay?”

“I promise Kookie.”

“You want to take a nap? Namjoon hyung is gone for the day.”

“He does have the nicest bed,” Tae grinned, a mischievous spark in his eyes. “I’ll race you.” He poked Jungkook in the side, causing the younger to fall back a little as he jumped to his feet and sprinted towards the largest bed in the dorm.

“Hey!” Jungkook cried, running after him. “No fair!”

Namjoon didn’t know what to expect when he got back, but having Jungkook and Taehyung asleep in his bed of all places wasn’t one of them. He mulled over the idea of scaring them awake, but then he saw the tacky tear tracks down Jungkook’s cheeks, and how the younger seemed to curl himself around Tae – as if he was trying to protect the other boy – and decided to let them rest for a little bit longer.

Chapter Text

Jung Hoseok was everyone’s hope. He specifically chose his stage name J-Hope to represent the hope he wished to give to others, but for some reason he was never able to quite grasp that hope himself. Before debut, Hoseok was depressed. He was bad at hiding it, especially around the other members. Even years after they debuted, that version of his was sometimes mentioned and Hoseok couldn’t help but feel like an absolute failure.

What kind of hope could he give to others when he himself was hopeless?

Hoseok didn’t know when he fell into this pit of hopelessness, but one thing was certain – he felt stuck.

Wake up. Eat. Practice. Smile for the cameras. Practice. Eat. Shower. Don’t let the cracks in his mask show in public. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

It was the monotony of his life that really dug the stake home. He didn’t know why he felt this way, but he couldn’t help it.

Everything just seemed too hopeless.

“Hyung, is everything okay?” Jungkook asked hesitantly. With the younger members Jungkook felt comfortable enough with to talk to about anything, but Hoseok was different. The age difference was something that felt more monumental than it really was, even with how much time they spent together practicing. Hoseok was startled from his thoughts by the sound of the other boy’s voice. He looked up and saw a very sweaty maknae looking at his him big, worried eyes.

They had finished learning choreography for the day, and were packing up to go back to the dorm. Hoseok had squatted by his bag to fish out an extra water bottle when he started to lose focus on his surroundings.

“Ah, I’m fine Jungkookie. Just tired.” He grinned up at the boy, who frowned harder.

“You’re not fine.” He said quietly, watching the bright grin fall off Hoseok’s face as if he had been slapped by the younger.

“I know you’re just trying to be supportive,” Hoseok started, slinging his bag over his shoulder and standing. He pushed past the younger, but hesitated in the doorway. He turned back to Jungkook, who couldn’t quite hide the hurt expression on his face. “But back off. I don’t need you prying, okay?” He turned and left, trying not to feel guilty over the broken look on the boy’s face.

It was more than just hopelessness, Hoseok realized one day. It was the growing dread that one day something was going to go wrong and that there was nothing he could do to stop it. He knew he couldn’t save the world, but he still took it personally when things went badly.

He took it personally the night he had hurt Jungkook in the practice room. That night he sobbed in the shower, biting his knuckle until red ran down the drain. He was supposed to be Hope, he was supposed to be sunshine and smiles and fun, but instead he made Jungkook look at him with such shattered eyes. It was his fault.

He blamed himself when Jimin relapsed with his eating disorder. Hoseok wasn’t enough to protect his family. How was he going to protect himself?

He blamed himself when Yoongi finally came forward and admitted he had tried to kill himself. He said it happened almost a month earlier, and that Jungkook was the only one who knew. He didn’t blame the doctor, who prescribed the awful medication that took all feeling away from Yoongi. He didn’t blame Jungkook, who should have told someone sooner even if it wasn’t really his place. No, Hoseok blamed himself for not being happy enough to drive away Yoongi’s depression. He blamed himself for not being able to be Yoongi’s sunshine when he was in such a dark place. In the end, it was all Hoseok’s fault.

Hoseok decided he liked the local coffee shop. It was small, with only four or five tables in the cramped but homely sitting area. All the coffee and baked goods were hand made with fresh ingredients, unlike the more cooperate shops. The best part? If he wore a mask no one bothered him. It was the kind of shop you could escape to when you didn’t want to be noticed. There were a few regulars, Hoseok quickly joining their ranks.

There was a college student who was always typing away at a heavily stickered laptop, a cup of heavily caffeinated coffee next to her at all times. Hoseok gave her a shy smile one day, which she returned with a tired smile of her own.

There was a business man who would come every day on his lunch. He always joked with the barista that he shouldn’t have so many sweets as he patted his stomach but ended up buying some sort of pastry regardless.

Then there was Hoseok, who came whenever he had the chance. He always wore the same black facemask, but eventually started feeling comfortable taking it off once he made it inside the familiar door. The first time he took it off, he heard someone gasp a little but no one said anything, which he was grateful for.

One day, Hoseok was told he was free to do as he wished. He and Tae had finished their work the day before and both were given free time while the others finished their part, and Hoseok took it and ran. He snagged his notebook and headphones before literally running out the door, all but ignoring Taehyung as he raced out of the dorm. He made a beeline for his coffee shop, feeling himself relaxing as the building came into view.

The bell dinged as he opened the door and the man behind the counter gave him a warm smile. Hoseok ordered his usual and went to sit in his usual corner table when he heard something that broke his heart. The college girl – the one with the stickers and the caffeine addiction – let out a soft sob from her usual table by the window. Without thinking, he changed his course and set his favorite mug on the table across from her. She looked up quickly, trying to wipe away the tears.

“Are you alright?” Hoseok asked, already knowing the answer. The girl gave him a bitter smile and shook her head.

“I’m just… really stressed,” She said, her voice wavering a little. “My professor changed the due date for this paper. I was already behind but now it’s due three days sooner than before. I don’t think I can keep up with the work load anymore, and it’s not even halfway through the semester. And here I am, sobbing in public and spilling my guts to a stranger because I’m too stressed to realize I’m rambling like some sort of freak-” She cut herself off by gasping for breath.

“Maybe I could help, with your essay at least,” Hoseok offered with a million-watt smile. The girl sniffled and look at him with wide, hopeful eyes. “It’s been a while since I was in school, but I like to think I have a way with words.”

“R-really?” She stuttered, barely believing her ears.

“Of course,” his grin softened but didn’t become any less genuine. “Anything to see a smile on your face.”

Hoseok spent the whole day with the girl, brainstorming and researching things on his phone. It was on a topic he had never heard before, but he made her talk through the subject and her points which in itself seemed to help her gather her thoughts a little. By the time the shop closed for the evening, she was able to submit the essay to her professor, days before it was due.

“Thank you so much!” She hugged Hoseok, who returned the gesture without thinking. “You literally saved my grade!”

“It was my pleasure,” He grinned, replacing his mask as she pulled away. “If you need help again and I’m here, don’t hesitate to ask okay?”

“Okay Oppa.” She grinned again and tucked her laptop under her arm before turning on her heel and running towards the bus stop. Hoseok smiled after her, feeling a little bit of the hopelessness leave his chest. Even if he couldn’t save the world, he was able to save that girl’s grade, which was a good start.

A week passed before he saw her again, and Hoseok felt his heart stop. She had lost weight, and her hair looked as though it hadn’t been brushed in days. The bags under her eyes were almost purple and her hands were shaking so badly that she almost dropped the mug on the floor.

“Are you alright?” He asked, sitting across from her. She shook her head slowly.

“I dropped out of college.” She whispered, her voice dead. He felt his own heart drop to his stomach.

“Why?”

“I was never smart enough,” She said, her words choked with unshed tears. Hoseok realized she didn’t have her laptop with her this time. “It was a useless waste of money anyway. There was no hope for me.”

“There’s always hope though.” Hoseok felt himself saying. Was it just habit, or did he really believe there was hope? The girl gave a dry chuckle and brushed her bangs out of her face. Her sleeve rode up with the action, and Hoseok couldn’t have missed the raw cuts on her skin even if he had his eyes shut tight.

“Thanks oppa, but there really isn’t. Thanks for trying to help me too. Sorry it was all a waste of time though.”

“You can’t think that way.” He whispered, feeling his stomach turn. She looked him in the eyes for the first time since he sat down and he saw how dull her gaze was.

“It’s hopeless.” She said again. “I’m hopeless.”

The girl stood and left, leaving her untouched coffee on the table.

Hoseok didn’t see the girl again.

“Hyung, please come out of your room,” Jungkook begged, trying the locked door once again. He knew it was still locked, and that Hoseok was going to ignore him again, but he tried anyway. A few days after he and Tae fell asleep in Namjoon’s bed, Hoseok had come home looking like he had seen a ghost. That was two days ago, and the Hope of the band had yet to show his face. “Hoseok hyung, please just let me know you’re awake.”

Finally, Jungkook heard a faint click and the door opened just an inch. Hoseok looked at the youngest member through the crack in the door but didn’t bother hiding the dead look on his face. Jungkook felt sick to his stomach when he saw the state the other boy was in.

“Go away Jungkook.” He said, his voice hoarse from not being used.

“Not until you talk to me.” Jungkook said sternly, shoving his foot in the crack of the door to keep Hoseok from slamming the door in his face.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He said, trying to push the younger out of his room.

“Yes, there is,” Jungkook pushed back until he was standing in Hoseok’s room with the elder. “Hobi hyung, please. What happened?”

“I wasn’t enough.” He replied vaguely, tears filling his eyes.

“What do you mean?” Jungkook had a feeling he knew what Hoseok meant, but he wished he was wrong. He gently led the older over to the bed and gestured for him to sit before continuing. Jungkook took Hoseok’s hand in his and began gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb the way he knew Hoseok liked.

“There was a girl at the coffee shop,” Hoseok started. “She… I helped her with her essay and she seemed so happy. Then she… she was so hopeless Kookie. Her eyes were so dead. She said she dropped out of school because she was hopeless. There were cuts all over her arms and… I never saw her again. I wasn’t enough to give her hope. Who knows what happened to her… I can’t help but wonder if she… if she hurt herself again, or if she did something even worse to herself because I wasn’t enough to help her. I’m supposed to be everyone’s hope. How can I be their hope when I don’t even remember what hope feels like?”

Hoseok broke down, burying his face in the youngest boy’s shirt. He sobbed, all the emotions from the past two days came rushing out at once and he was powerless to stop it. He cried, rambling on and on about things that Jungkook couldn’t quite understand, but the younger just let him cry. Jungkook rubbed his back, encouraging the elder to let it out.

“I’m so sorry Jungkook-ah.” Hoseok whispered once he finally calmed down enough to be understood.

“For what, hyung?” Jungkook never stopped his hand’s motion on the older boy’s back.

“I’m not living up to my name much, am I?” He sniffled, leaning limply against Jungkook. “J-Hope… what a joke.” He spat the name like it was poison in his mouth.

“But you do live up to your name.” Jungkook said gently. He felt Hoseok chuckle humorlessly.

“I don’t need you to lie to me to make me feel better.” He said blankly.

“You do though. From what you said, it sounded like you did give that girl hope. That day you helped her with her essay it really sounded like you gave her the boost she needed at the time. And… you give us all hope here in the dorm. I know how hard it is to keep up a fake smile, and you do it so often. I don’t understand how you manage it all the time but… you give me hope, hyung. You’ve given me hope that things can get better, and that no matter how bad things seem that things will work out in the end.”

“I didn’t do that.” Hoseok fought weakly.

“I saw you do it,” Jungkook argued back. “I saw you fall down a dark place and fight your way back out again. If that isn’t something to inspire hope, I don’t know what is.”

“Thank you…” Hoseok wrapped his arms around the maknae’s torso, crushing the air out of the younger. Jungkook didn’t complain.

“What’s this?” Hoseok saw his phone blowing up from across the room. He didn’t have notifications on for anything, so what was causing the tinny dinging to go off over and over again? He checked the messages and saw they were all from Jungkook.

Unlocking his phone, Hoseok realized they were all links to twitter. He never really liked social media, only posting when his managers hinted that he should. He clicked on the first link, which lead him to a picture of himself smiling at the camera. He remembered taking that picture, grinning and enjoying the sun for the first time in months.

The caption read “My actual, literal sunshine” followed by more hearts than Hoseok thought was allowed in a single tweet. The photo had a thread under it, each reply saying how much they loved J-Hope and how his smile was brighter than the sun.

The next link was similar – a long thread made by one user talking about why they loved him. He didn’t realize he was crying until he couldn’t make out the words anymore.

“He never lets us down, even when he’s not feeling his best.”

“Hoseok is the reason I smile every day.”

“Even when things seem darkest, Hoseok always brightens my life. He’s talented and wonderful and I wish I could thank him personally for saving my life.”

Hoseok couldn’t believe it. Link after link brought him to more tweets about how he had saved lives, brought Army out of their depression. One user even created a thread on how his optimism had helped her overcome her self-harming to the point where she was almost a year clean. One tweet in particular caught his eye and he felt himself sob painfully.

“I genuinely wanted to kill myself after I dropped out of college, but I was lucky enough to have talked face to face with J-Hope and even in my darkest time his smile gave me a reason to keep going. He was so genuine when he said he wanted to help me. He sat with me for hours, helping me write an essay. I’ll never forget the hope he gave me that day.”

It was only posted an hour ago.

The girl from the coffee shop was okay, Hoseok realized as he fell to his knees. He didn’t fail her. He didn’t fail anyone. He saved them.

He couldn’t save the world, but he realized he was able to save those who cared about him one by one.

Jungkook sat his with his back against Hoseok’s closed door, listening to the older boy cry. Part of him urged him to throw the door open and comfort the crying boy, but Jungkook knew it wasn’t bad tears coming from his hyung. He let a single tear run down his own cheek before he whipped it away and stood. He passed Namjoon, who simply gave the younger a knowing smile and nod. Jungkook smiled back before going to find Taehyung. It was fry night, and Jungkook wouldn’t miss that for the world.

Chapter Text

Kim Seokjin, Worldwide Handsome, Mother. Jin had several names, all of which he loved. He loved any and every nickname he was given, especially the ones his band members gave him. Any time he heard them call him hyung – while isn’t technically a nickname, it made his chest warm nonetheless – and the occasional joking “mom” made him smile wide.

Jin was known for many things. He was known for his looks and confidence. He was known for his voice. He was known for not being the best dancer, but also known for trying his best. Jin was known for his jokes which, in his opinion, were hilarious and for his unique laugh that always made the others laugh harder than the actual joke. He was known for his skills in the kitchen and how motherly he acted. Seokjin was known for many thing, but one thing no one knew about him was his fears. His fears of being forgotten, left behind. His fear of being ignored and pushed to the back. His fears of being nothing more than a visual when in reality he worked harder than ever.

“Hyung, do you think you could make something light for dinner today?” Jungkook asked carefully. Jin raised an eyebrow.

“Why?” He questioned, knowing the youngest’s appetite. Jin noticed Jungkook’s eyes flit to Jimin’s room before he shrugged.

“My stomach is a little off today,” He said softly. “I don’t think I could eat something heavy or greasy.”

“I see,” Jin connected the dots with a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Of course Kookie. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you hyung.” Jungkook grinned, showing his front teeth the way he does when he’s genuinely happy.

“Get out of my kitchen,” Jin said with a grin of his own. He ruffled Jungkook’s hair and the younger laughed before running from the room. Jin felt his smile fade as his own eyes drifted towards Jimin’s door. “What has that boy gotten himself into?” he asked himself, not knowing if he was referring to Jimin or Jungkook.

“You want to see Jungkook?” Jin read the comments on his vlive. He was tired, painfully so, but he wanted to do an Eat Jin while he still could. He had gotten some food from a local shop and was giving an honest review of the foreign food. Jin felt his stomach tighten. “Ah, sorry everyone but Kookie is asleep right now. It’s okay though, because now you have my handsome face without interruptions!” He laughed, letting his eyes crinkle at the corners. The chat kept going, some comments scolding for asking for other members when this was Jin’s vlive, others asking to see the rest of the band.

After another ten minutes, Jin ended the vlive despite not having finished his food. He realized he was no longer hungry and just really, really wanted to go to bed. Even if it was just a lumpy hotel bed and not his comfortable one in the dorm, it was better than nothing. He made his way back to the room, trying his hardest not to wake Jungkook up. They had drawn straws to see who would room with who earlier that day and Jin was relieved to get the maknae. As soon as he closed the door, there was shuffling coming from the occupied bed.

“I’m sorry hyung.” Jungkook said softly, not sounding tired at all.

“Ah, Jungkook-ah you should be asleep,” Jin quietly scolded as he used his phone to dig through his suitcase. “And what in the world do you have to apologize for?”

“They kept asking for me even though it was your vlive.” He sounded close to tears and Jin felt his stomach drop.

“I didn’t know you were watching,” he said, carefully sitting on Jungkook’s bed. “Don’t worry about that, okay? That’s going to happen no matter who’s filming. It’s just part of being an idol.”

“Still…” Jungkook said quietly.

“Still nothing,” Jin laid down next to the younger boy. “My bed is too cold so I’m going to sleep here. No complaining.”

“Me? Complain? Never.” Jungkook smiled as he nestled into the elder’s side. Jin still felt a faint throb in his heart from the comments, but he took care of his kids above himself every time.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” Jungkook asked as he felt a hand gently push him forward. They were about to give a short speech after receiving an award and Jungkook had been the last person on the stage. He didn’t care. He had been front and center many times before, so Jungkook was happy to see his other members get the chance. He didn’t know why Jin was nodding for him to step forward with a small grin on his face.

“Step forward Jungkook-ah,” He said softly. “You worked so hard. You deserve to be in the front.”

“But you worked just as hard.” Jungkook tried to argue, but Jin was stronger – his hand on the younger’s lower back never faltered.

“Come on Kookie,” He tilted his head and continued to smile. “I’m too old to fight. Enjoy the front for me.”

“Jin hyung-” Jungkook tried to protest, but suddenly a microphone was passed to him and he realized he was on camera. When he started talking, he felt Jin’s hand slip from his back.

Jin stared at himself in the mirror as he was getting his makeup touched up. His eyes traced his lips, his eyebrows, his new hair that he thought looked quite handsome. Jin wondered when he became such a pushover. Maybe he had always been that way. He remembered before they debuted, he would make sure to be the last one to go to bed in case someone needed something and the first one to wake up so he could make breakfast for everyone.

They lovingly called him ‘mom’ and Seokjin smiled. He loved that they thought so highly of him, but it also exhausted him. He supposed he finally understood why his own mother always looked so tired all the time.

When he was chosen for BTS, it wasn’t because he was a fantastic dancer, or even for his vocals. Jin was mostly chosen for his looks, which he refused to admit hurt him a little. He worked overtime to bring his skills up to par with the others, even though the others thought he was already there with them. Jin pushed his feelings of being inadequate aside as time went on, knowing he had to take care of the others rather than focusing on himself.

Seokjin was a lot of things, but he wasn’t selfish.

“Hyung, I feel like crap.” Taehyung coughed from his bed. He had gotten a cold from staying outside in the winter air for too long, and was paying for it.

“You look like crap too,” Jin said lovingly as he helped the younger sit up. Jin had made soup for Tae, even though the older knew he probably wouldn’t eat much. “That’s what you get for sitting in the cold without a jacket.”

“I… needed to feel something.” Tae said almost silently. Jin felt his stomach drop but didn’t respond. He just held a spoonful of the barely steaming soup to the younger’s lips.

“Eat up Taehyung-ah,” He said with a soft smile. “You’ll be back on your feet in no time. I promise.”

Once Tae finished his bowl, he laid back down and instantly fell asleep. Jin sat there for a few minutes, gently running his fingers through Tae’s hair and humming a soft tune.

When he was completely sure the younger was asleep, Jin carefully stood and went to the bathroom.

There, he opened the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of dark purple syrup. He had picked it up from the drug store the day before when he started feeling under the weather himself. The bottle said it would hold back symptoms of the common cold so you could go on with your day. Jin took two doses and went to the kitchen to make lunch.

“Jin hyung, are you okay?” Jungkook came in when he smelled food cooking. Jin turned and smiled at him, but the smile seemed off.

“Of course Jungkook-ah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look pale,” Jungkook said carefully. “You should sit down.”

“Ah, I’m fine,” Jin brushed the youngest off before turning back to his stove. “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“You always deal with everything by yourself,” Jungkook all but whispered. Jin tensed at his words. “It’s okay to come to us with stuff.”

“What kind of mother would I be then?” Jin joked, grinning as he shooed the youngest away. “Now go shower. You’re all sweaty and there are germs all over the place from Taehyung.”

“Jin hyung-”

“No arguing!”

Jin was alone.

He was surrounded by his friends, but he felt so alone.

He always thought of himself as a secondary character in a much larger story. He was never the main character – the one who found their true love and defeated evil and lived happily ever after. No, he was the supporting character, the one who helped the main character but never really got any closure or backstory or exposition.

And he was okay with that.

Seokjin like his position as secondary character. He liked seeing his band members grow, especially the maknae line. He felt especially proud of Jungkook, who had grown from a child to a man with help from Jin and the other hyungs. He liked to think of himself as the character that gave the main character in the story the push they needed to make it to the end of the quest.

A secondary character doesn’t take attention for themselves. They were background characters for a reason. Jin had to remind himself of that whenever he felt himself growing jealous of the younger members.

He was happy being in the background. He just had to remind himself of that sometimes.

When he finally had the chance to be in the spotlight, he almost froze up. Yes, he had acting experience, but acting was different from singing a solo in front of thousands upon thousands of fans. When the music started, Jin felt himself freeze.

The orchestra played the intro perfectly, but Jin found himself voiceless. He frantically glanced over to the wings and saw Jungkook – still sweaty and panting but smiling brightly and jumping up and down in excitement. Seeing his youngest made Jin’s heart swell just in time for him to begin.

While he performed, he didn’t see Jungkook’s smile fade into something sad.

“Jin hyung, want to play a round with me?” Jungkook asked with a hopeful smile.

“You know I’m no good at video games,” Jin shook his head and smiled back. “Why don’t you ask Taehyung? He loves playing games.”

“Cuz I wanted to play with you…” Jungkook sounded so sad that Jin wouldn’t have even thought of saying no.
Jin was right. He was awful at video games. But Jungkook smiled and laughed, and that was enough for the eldest. They were playing some sort of eagle eye view RPG game for one of their older consoles and Jin had to admit he was having a good time.

Jungkook knew the game like the back of his hand. Jin figured it wasn’t too hard to remember when particular things were going to happen – the game made some pretty obvious set ups, but then again it was released back in 2001 so he wasn’t expecting much.

“Why your character the only one that shows up in cut scenes?” Jin asked out of curiosity. Jungkook glanced at him from the corner of his eye but Jin didn’t notice.

“It’s because I’m player one,” He said, his tone strange. “If you want to be player one I can change some things around-”

“Nah, it’s no big deal. I was just curious.” Jin responded happily and Jungkook just nodded.

“Look out, there’s going to be a hoard of goblins right past this doorway. They have bows but I normally just rush in and kill as many as I can before running away.” Jungkook stuck his tongue out in concentration as they approached said doorway.

“Hold back for a second,” Jin said, trying to pull up a spell. “Let me heal you first.”

“Hyung, you’re the one about to die,” Jungkook said, staring at the screen. “Heal yourself first.”

“You always come first Jungkook-ah. Don’t you know that by now?” Jin said without thinking, only realizing what he said when the game suddenly paused.

“Jin hyung, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.” The seriousness in the youngest’s voice made Jin’s stomach drop.

“Shouldn’t we wait until we find a save point first?” Jin asked with a slight tremor to his voice. Jungkook didn’t even glance at the television before he clicked it off with the remote.

“I’m serious hyung.”

“Hi Serious, I’m Jin.” He couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, but Jungkook’s face didn’t change.

“Hyung, why do you always put us first?” He asked, turning his body so he was facing Jin completely.

“Isn’t that what the eldest is supposed to do?” he asked innocently, not looking Jungkook in the eyes.

“To a point, I suppose…” Jungkook sounded hesitant. Jin didn’t like this conversation. “But you take it to a whole separate level and I don’t know why.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“The other day Tae was sick, and you took care of him until he felt better. But you were sick too, weren’t you?”

“I don’t know what you mean-” Jin felt like he was being interrogated, and he didn’t know what to say.

“I found the bottles of cough medicine. I saw how pale you were. I heard you coughing up a lung when you thought no one was around,” Jungkook looked at his hands. “You always take care of us, but you never take care of yourself. I’m worried about you hyung.”

“Ah, there’s no need to worry about an old man like me.” Jin did what he did best – used humor to deflect the situation – but Jungkook wasn’t going to let that happen.

“No hyung,” he looked up from his hands and Jin saw how the maknae’s eyebrows were furrowed. “No jokes. Not now, this is serious.”

“I don’t like serious Jungkook,” Jin moaned, hoping to deflect the conversation. “I like smiling Jungkook.”

“Why do you always do this?”

“Do what?”

“This!”

“Jungkook, you don’t understand,” Jin finally dropped the act, suddenly feeling exhausted. “You’re not… you’re not like me. None of you are. Everyone in the band, everyone but me… you’re all so talented and wonderful. You’re going to go so far in life. I’m just… I’m just here to help you get to that point. That’s all.”

“That’s not true,” Jungkook physically jumped forward until he was inches from Jin’s face. “You’re just as important as the rest of us! You’re so talented and smart and-”

“It’s just like the game, Jungkook-ah,” Jin smiled sadly and gently pushed the younger back. “You’re the main character. You’re going to save the day and live happily ever after. I’m just the support. I help you get there, and before you argue, I’m okay with that. I’m fine with stepping back if it means you and the others get father in life.”

“That’s not how it’s supposed to be,” Jungkook couldn’t help the desperation in his voice. “You’re just as important as the rest of us! Without you, we never would have made it this far. You need to stop pushing people away Jin hyung. We care about you, and… we want you in the front with us. We want you to make speeches and complain when you’re sick and to get mad at us when we deserve it. I want you to realize you aren’t a background character in some video game. You’re Kim Seokjin. You’re loved by so many people and you’re so, so important to us.”

“Jungkook-ah, thank you but you really don’t have to do this. Really. I’m happy as long as you are thriving.” Jin tried to smile at the youngest, but he couldn’t hide the tremor in his lip.

“Let us take care of you, idiot.” Jungkook threw himself into Jin’s arms. The eldest wrapped him into a tight hug out of habit, but he quickly tightened it when he realized he needed this. He needed the affection and the reassurance. He needed to be loved too.

Jin cried, for the first time in what felt like years. He sobbed into Jungkook’s shoulder, letting the maknae’s words run through his mind. He didn’t know what to feel. He was happy being in the back – at least, that’s what he convinced himself to believe. But did he really? He liked seeing the others happy, but did he really have to put them first every time?

“I’m so selfish.” He sobbed. Jungkook gently pushed him back so he could look into the elder’s face. Jungkook almost forgot how red Jin’s eyes got when he cried, or how his cheeks seemed to puff up when he got emotional.

“How are you, of all people, selfish?” He asked. Jin sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

“I just thought… ‘do I really have to put them first every time?’ and… oh god that’s so horribly selfish of me to think.”

“It’s not selfish hyung. It’s not selfish to look after yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, how can you do anything of things you like to do?”

“I don’t want to be left behind.” Jin finally whispered after several moments of silence.

“We’ll never leave you behind, Jin hyung. You’re way too important.”

“I’m so sorry Jungkook-ah,” He swallowed thickly and avoided looking at the youngest. “I’m sorry for being such a burden when I’m supposed to be the one helping you.”

“Look at me,” When Jin continued to avoid Jungkook’s eyes, the younger grabbed Jin’s face with his hands and forced the older to look at him. “Jin hyung, you are not a burden. You have never been a burden. You could never be a burden even if you really, really tried to be. There’s nothing burdensome about having emotions. You’re only human, hyung. It’s selfish to think you have to be strong all the time. You’re being selfish towards yourself. You have to let yourself feel things – let yourself be sad and sick and happy. You would never let any of us do this to ourselves, would you?”

“Of course not.” Jin choked out.

“Exactly. Treat yourself the way you treat us and you’ll see the difference.”

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” Jin said, pulling the younger into another hug.

“You were yourself,” Jungkook smiled. “That’s all you ever need to be.”

Jin felt himself instinctively take a step back. They had just performed at some show and were being interviewed on the red carpet. He only stopped himself when he felt a hand on the small of his back. He glanced back and saw Jungkook, sweaty but smiling, preventing him from avoiding the camera. Jungkook gave him an encouraging smile when the mic worked its way to Jin.

“Ah, um…” Jin felt lost, but when Jungkook placed his hand on his upper arm, Jin realized he could do it. He answered the questions flawlessly, even making the crew laugh a little at his jokes. When the cameras finally left, Jin slumped a little.

“You did amazing hyung.” Jungkook said quietly so only Jin could hear.

“Thank you Jungkook-ah,” Jin smiled at the maknae, who returned it with a very bunny-ish one of his own. “We should catch up with the others.”

“You first though.” Jungkook winked and followed behind his hyung.

Chapter Text

Kim Namjoon stared at the wall, blinking back tears.

He could hear everything that happened within the group. He heard Yoongi’s sobs. He heard Jimin gagging over his fingers. He heard Taehyung and Hoseok falling apart. He heard Jin forcing himself to take the back seat. He knew everything that happened, which meant he knew the Golden Maknae was the one helping everyone heal. Not him.

Kim Namjoon was the leader, but he felt like a failure.

“Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook didn’t know who else to go to. He was young still, they had just debuted and none of them were really adults yet. Namjoon had only been resting his eyes – he wouldn’t admit to any of his members that he hadn’t been able to sleep because of horrific nightmares that would leave him quietly sobbing into his pillow.

“Jungkook-ah, what’s wrong?” Namjoon saw something flash across Jungkook’s face, but he was too tired to properly name the emotion.

“I think Jiminie hyung is sick.” He said quietly, as if he was afraid of being overheard.

“Sick? He didn’t look sick earlier.” Namjoon leaned forward. If one of his members was sick, he needed to make sure they took care of themselves. Their health was too important, and he couldn’t overlook a single sniffle. Jungkook shook his head slightly and gripped the hem of his hoodie – a tick Namjoon quickly learned meant the youngest was nervous or scared.

“Not with a cold or anything,” Jungkook hesitated, as if he was about to say something he wasn’t supposed to. “I’ve been watching him recently, and I did some research… I think Jimin hyung has an eating disorder but I don’t know how to help him.” Namjoon felt his stomach drop to the floor. How had he not noticed?

“W-why do you think that?” Namjoon tried to hide the tremor in his voice but didn’t quite succeed. Jungkook swallowed and tugged on his sweatshirt more.

“He hasn’t been eating much, and when he does he runs to the bathroom right after. His hair has been thinning and he’s been losing weight. His nails are turning yellow and there’s always scabs on his fingers… he’s always muttering about calories when he thinks no one is listening and… and I caught him making himself throw up today.” Jungkook’s voice had dropped to a whisper at the last sentence and Namjoon wanted to punch the wall.

“I’ll… I’ll figure something out,” He said, pulling Jungkook into a hug. The youngest melted into the embrace and finally let the tears he had been holding in soak into Namjoon’s shirt. “I’ll make sure Jimin gets help, okay? You don’t have to worry.”

Namjoon let Jungkook cry until the youngest fell asleep. He carefully carried Jungkook to his bed and placed him on the covers before going to his own bed. As soon as Namjoon laid down, he let his own tears flow silently down his cheeks.

Namjoon stared at the computer screen in front of him. The document that was open was filled with lyrics for his mixtape, but instead of feeling pride Namjoon felt sick to his stomach. He heard Yoongi moving around in the living room, restless as usual. Namjoon had suggested the older boy go talk to someone about his depression, only to be shrugged off with a flippant ‘it’s not that bad’ and a tight lipped smile.

He ran a hand through his hair, his fingers catching on knots in the dirty blonde strands. He hadn’t had his roots touched up recently, so the blond was more than grown out. He didn’t feel inclined to go to the stylists unless his manager told him, so he let the blond grow out more and more, showing more and more of his natural brown. Namjoon stared at the document some more, the words making his stomach churn painfully.

Before he knew it, wet tracks were making their way down his cheeks. Namjoon bit back a sob, but not before a single barking cry escaped his lips. He quickly covered his mouth with his hand. He didn’t want any of the other members to hear his break down. He always made an effort to wait until he was alone to cry, and so far he had done a fairly good job of it.

He felt his breathing pick up and knew he was spiraling out of control, but he didn’t know how to stop it. He was supposed to be the leader, but he wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t the oldest, or even the second oldest. He wasn’t a good dancer at all, and his vocals were subpar. Even his rapping was only decent compared to Yoongi and Hoseok. He was letting the band down by being so damn weak all the time, but he couldn’t stop breaking. How selfish could he be, working on his own music when he was supposed to be in charge of the other six boys? How utterly despicable was it of him to write his own lyrics while his family was breaking?

Namjoon threaded his fingers through his hair and yanked painfully, hoping the sudden shock would calm him. Sometimes it did, but sometimes he needed something more to break out of whatever took over his mind in times like this.

Jimin had been killing himself for who knows how long, and he just let it happen. Namjoon just let Jimin starve and purge and destroy himself inside and out, and he didn’t do a single damn thing about it. How long would the other have gone on before he noticed? How far gone would Jimin be if Jungkook didn’t notice first?
Namjoon’s breathing got shallower and his vision started going black around the edges.

He was killing this band. He was the reason they were falling apart. He was the reason for Jimin’s eating disorder and Yoongi’s depression. He was the reason the others felt sad and alienated and scared of the future. All because he wasn’t fit to be the leader. Hell, he wasn’t even fit to be in the same room as the others.

He pulled on his hair again but still didn’t get the relief he was begging for. He stood and walked over to the wall that faced away from any of the rooms. Without thinking, he slammed his fist into it, almost praying for his knuckles to break – just so he could feel something other than this excruciating guilt that never seemed to go away.

“Joon hyung?” Jungkook’s voice came from the other side of the door. Instantly, all the tension in Namjoon’s chest vanished, as if he had been doused in icy water. “Hyung are you okay? I heard a loud noise and-”

Namjoon opened the door, interrupting the youngest. He looked at Jungkook – in his pajamas, with hair sticking up all over the place from sleep and glazed eyes from just waking up – and realized he never fixed his own appearance. Jungkook looked back at Namjoon – taking in the leader’s torn through hair, tear tracks on his cheeks and how he seemed to be trying to hide his hand behind his back.

“Jungkook-ah, what are you doing awake?” Namjoon asked, his voice cracking at how hard he was trying to keep it from quivering. Jungkook’s eyes widened the slightest fraction.

“I couldn’t sleep,” he said carefully. “I had a weird dream and was going to get some water when I heard a bang. Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine Kookie,” Namjoon tried to give Jungkook a reassuring smile, but it felt fake even to him. “Don’t worry about me, okay?”

“But hyung- is that blood?” Jungkook gaped at something behind Namjoon’s back and the elder felt his face go white. He glanced behind him and saw a red smear on the white wallpaper and knew he was fucked.

“It’s not-” he didn’t even know what he was trying to convince the younger of. Jungkook may have been the youngest, but he wasn’t stupid. Namjoon felt something inch down his fingers and realized what Jungkook had seen was the blood dripping from his split knuckles onto the hard wood of the studio floor.

“Don’t move,” Jungkook said before quickly disappearing. Namjoon went over to his desk and reached into a drawer, pulling out a pile of napkins that he always kept on hand in case something spilled when he was working. Before he could begin to dab the blood from his hand, Jungkook was back with a box of bandaids and a wet washcloth. “I said don’t move. Go sit, okay?”

Namjoon didn’t argue. He was so tired all of a sudden that he just wanted to sleep for a long, long time. Jungkook knelt in front of him and gently took his injured hand, carefully wiping the already clotting blood from his knuckles. Once the blood was gone, Namjoon saw the wound wasn’t all that bad – just a single split between this index and middle finger – but hissed nonetheless when Jungkook pressed the washcloth directly on the injury.

“Sorry hyung,” Jungkook whispered, flinching as if he was the one experiencing the pain. “I’m almost done.”

Jungkook carefully dried Namjoon’s hand and started putting the bandaids on his knuckles, accidentally making a mess of the little papers in the process. In the end, Jungkook used more of the bandages than necessary but Namjoon was grateful regardless. Without saying a word, Jungkook started to wipe the browning blood from the floor.

“You don’t have to do that Jungkook-ah.” Namjoon said, trying to help the younger stand, but Jungkook wasn’t budging. The brunette didn’t face the blond until the blood had been scrubbed from the floor and wall both.

“Namjoon hyung, are you okay?” Jungkook asked, finally looking the leader in the eyes. Namjoon felt himself melt a little at the wide eyes of the maknae. He smiled tiredly and rubbed the top of Jungkook’s head with his uninjured hand.

“Of course Kookie,” He knew he sounded tired, but he wanted Jungkook to stop worrying so he could go to sleep and rest. “You patched me all up.”

“Why did you punch the wall?”

“I was… frustrated. Don’t follow my example on that, it wasn’t very smart of me.” Namjoon tried to smile but frowned when Jungkook started tearing up. The youngest gripped the fabric of his sleep pants tightly, as if he was trying to fight something inside of him.

“You don’t have to hide stuff from me hyung,” Despite the trembling from his hands, Jungkook’s voice was strong. “I know I’m young but we’re in this together. All of us. You don’t have to deal with anything alone anymore.”

“Maybe you should have been the leader,” Namjoon pulled the younger into a hug, which he quickly returned. “You really are an adult stuck in a kid’s body.”

“I’m not a kid.” He grumbled, more out of habit than anything. Namjoon felt himself genuinely smile for the first time that day.

“I know you aren’t Jungkook-ah,” He pulled away and ruffled Kookie’s hair again. “You’re growing up so fast. I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job at raising you…”

“You’ve done an amazing job,” Jungkook said quietly, realization dawning on him. He was starting to understand why Namjoon punched the wall a little more. “I wouldn’t be me if it weren’t for you.”

“Ah, Jungkook-ah you’re going to make this old man cry,” Joon waved his hand in the direction of the door. “You go to bed, okay? If you want, I’ll get snacks from that store on the other side of town that you like in the morning.”

“Goodnight hyung.” Jungkook gave him a tight smile.

“Night kiddo.”

Weeks passed without anything bad happening – or at least, nothing bad that anyone else noticed. Namjoon, on the other hand, noticed every single thing that went wrong.

They ran out of milk, and Namjoon realized he was the last one to make coffee for himself and must have used the last of it.

They were late for practice – because Namjoon needed to run back into the dorm and shut off the lights that he accidentally left on.

They had to practice the same step over and over and over again because Namjoon didn’t realize it was one and two and a three, and had been doing one and a two and three instead. He didn’t realize the choreographer had given them the wrong counts, he just knew he was the reason they had to keep going over it.

By the time they made it back to the dorm, the inside of Namjoon’s cheek was bleeding from biting it to keep from crying. He wanted to break down so badly, but he needed to wait until everyone was asleep first. It was agonizing, waiting for the dorm to settle down, but he held out. When he finally heard the last bed settle, Namjoon locked himself in his studio and let himself go.

He wailed, not bothering to bite his knuckles. In the days following Jungkook finding him, Namjoon made a point to install more soundproofing to his walls for moments just like this. He sobbed, all the pain and guilt crashing down on him at once.

He wasn’t just a lousy leader – Namjoon was a pathetic excuse of a human. He could never do anything right, no matter how hard he tried. He was never good enough for the rest of his members. He yanked on his hair, pulling roughly at the roots but the pain wasn’t enough.

They should have chosen someone else to be the leader. Anyone else would have been a better choice that the man who broke everything he touched, who messed everything up, who couldn’t even dance despite training for years to do just that. Kim Namjoon was pathetic.

His sobs turned into pained moans as he felt his chest collapse in on itself. His breathing got faster and faster and yet he barely took in any air when he gasped. His shaking hands couldn’t grab onto his hair anymore, his fingers slipping through due to how hard they were trembling. Namjoon felt like the room was starting to fold in on him. He tucked himself into a corner and pulled his knees up to his chest, hoping that making himself smaller would stop the world from suffocating him, but he was wrong. His breathing picked up even more and he felt light headed. He tried to stand but fell back onto his knees, suddenly dizzier than ever before. His vision started to go black and Namjoon wondered faintly if this is what dying felt like.

Namjoon used his chair to help him stand and he stumbled into the wall. There was still a faint brown smudge from where Jungkook tried to clean the blood off, which made the pain in Namjoon’s chest flair even more. He shakily threw his hand at the same spot but wasn’t able to put enough strength behind it to cause the pain he craved. He tried again, and again but it wasn’t enough. He let out a strangled scream and smashed his first into the wall with every ounce of strength he had.

When his fist connected with something other than wall, Namjoon tried to pull back but the damage had already been done. The tears that had been clouding his vision ran down his cheeks and he finally saw what had gotten in his way.

Jungkook knelt on the ground, one hand cradling his cheek while the other was on the ground, supporting him. Namjoon felt his body go cold. He didn’t feel himself fall to his knees, or reach out to the youngest, who looked at him with an indescribable look in his wide eyes.

“Hyung…” Jungkook’s voice sounded slurred, but Namjoon didn’t know if it was because his own head was swimming so much or because of his injury. “Hyung, are you okay?”
That snapped Namjoon out of whatever fog his head had been floating in. He scrambled back, trying to put as much space between Jungkook and himself as possible. He had hurt Jungkook. He had punched Jungkook in the face, but when had the youngest gotten there?

“Hyung, please.” Jungkook’s voice briefly floated through Namjoon’s thoughts before his fears washed over him again.
He hurt Jungkook. He was a monster – an awful, horrible, terrible, fucking waste of space, pathetic excuse of a human being-

Namjoon’s cheek stung painfully. He looked up and saw Jungkook was right in front of him. Putting two and two together, Namjoon realized Jungkook had slapped him.

“Hyung, please,” Jungkook sounded desperate. “What happened? Are you okay? You’re bleeding again.”

“Go away,” Namjoon whispered, staring at the maknae in horror. He could already see a bruise forming on the soft cheek of the other boy. “Get away from me.”

“Not until I know you’re okay.”

“I hurt you…” Namjoon’s hand gently brushed the red spot on Jungkook’s cheek but the younger didn’t flinch. “Oh god, I hit you… oh fuck I hit you…” Namjoon’s breathing picked up and he felt himself falling out of control.

“It was my fault,” Jungkook said, realizing what was happening to his hyung. “I jumped between you and the wall. You would never purposely hurt me. You didn’t mean to do it, hyung. I did it to myself, okay? I need you to breathe hyung. Please,” Namjoon could barely hear him over the ringing in his ears but he tried to breathe. “You’re having another panic attack. I need you to listen to me, okay?”

“J-jungkook-ah-” Namjoon gasped out as Jungkook pulled the elder into his lap. He ran his fingers through Namjoon’s hair and began talking gently to him.

“Listen to my voice hyung. Breathe in with me – good. Now breathe out, okay? You’re going to be okay. You need to keep breathing – no, don’t breathe too fast or you’ll pass out. Deep breath in. You’re doing so well hyung. You’re going to be okay. I won’t go anywhere, okay? You’re doing so well.” Jungkook kept talking calmly, and he soon felt Namjoon being to relax into his touch. The frantic look in his leader’s eyes had faded to something tired. Finally, after what felt like hours, Namjoon was able to breathe normally again.

“Jungkook-ah, I’m so sorry-”

“What caused your panic attack hyung?” Jungkook cut Namjoon off.

“I feel so guilty,” Namjoon admitted. He curled into Jungkook’s chest, feeling like a child. “Whenever anything goes wrong, it’s always my fault. I should have seen Jimin getting sick. I should have realized Yoongi hyung was depressed. I didn’t realize he was suicidal-” Namjoon choked on his words.

“You’re safe hyung,” Jungkook began to rub his back slowly. “You’re okay.”

“If anything happened to them… it would have been my fault. I’m the leader, but I can’t seem to do anything right. I can’t dance, or sing, or breathe without breaking something. I’m worthless. You really would have been a better leader than me.”

“That’s not true hyung,” Jungkook couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Namjoon always seemed so strong and smart. He never knew Namjoon was breaking down so badly. “You’ve been an amazing leader. You’re the one that got Jimin hyung into that support group. You’re the one that managed to get Yoongi hyung the antidepressants even though it was almost impossible to get anyone to talk to him about his depression. You’ve held all of us at least a dozen times each while we’ve cried. You’re the one who peps us up before concerts and reminds us to take off our makeup before going to bed. We would have fallen apart a long time ago without you Namjoon hyung.”

“Kookie…” Namjoon wanted to say something – to thank the younger, or try to argue. All that he managed to do was cry again, letting out years of anger and frustration.

“It’s okay to cry, hyung,” Jungkook let the older boy cry into his shoulder again. “You’re allowed to be upset and frustrated. You’re okay, but please… don’t try to hide it from us anymore. You’re our leader, but you’re one of us remember? We’re all here to support each other. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

“I can’t believe I hit you…” Namjoon felt his chest rip itself to pieces. He was a monster-

A sharp pain on the top of his head brought him out of his spiraling thoughts before they could get out of control. He looked up at Jungkook with wide eyes. Jungkook just grinned at him, his hand still raised in the air.

“There, and I’ve hit you,” He just grinned wider as he took in Namjoon’s open jaw. “Now we’re even, right hyung?”

“Jungkook-ah…”

“I’m glad we agree. Now, let me look at your hand, okay?”

“Kookie! What the hell happened to your face?” Tae looked at the younger with horror. Jungkook had woken up late with a purple splotch covering half his cheek. Jungkook just yawned and went to the fridge.

“Fell out of bed last night,” he grumbled tiredly. “Don’t worry, I heal quickly.”

“But-”

“How are you feeling hyung?” Jungkook interrupted his friend. Tae spun around and saw an equally as tired looking Namjoon stumble into the kitchen.

“Like shit.” He yawned wide and sat heavily at the table.

“You look like shit too,” Jungkook chuckled and placed a mug of coffee in front of the elder. Namjoon opened his eyes a fraction and smiled up at the younger. He glanced up as Tae left the kitchen, too tired and confused to try and decode the situation. Jungkook looked back at Namjoon and saw the dimples on his cheeks from his grin. “Glad to see you smiling again hyung.”

“Glad to have a reason to smile again Kookie."

Chapter Text

Jeon Jungkook was the Golden Maknae. Everything he did was flawless, from dancing to singing to the frivolous tasks they had the boys do on game shows. Jungkook was quite proud of the fact that people thought so highly of him, but sometimes he felt as though they thought a little too highly him.

He tried his best to keep his hyungs happy. Seeing them break down was one of the few things that really got to him. He could handle the comments about his weight or the mistakes he made, but seeing his members crying, stressed and worse – it killed him.

The sobbing from the bathroom felt like daggers digging into Jungkook’s stomach. He had heard them from his room and went to check on Yoongi hyung, who had been quiet that entire day. He had been quiet for weeks – Jungkook had a sneaking suspicion that it was his new medication that was making his hyung act like a zombie, but he didn’t know how to bring it up – but that day had the elder acting even more out of the ordinary. He peeked his head in and saw Yoongi’s bed empty, with a piece of paper folded on the bedside table.

With hesitant, shaking hands Jungkook picked up the paper, knowing what it was before he even read the first line. He had a few of his own at that point, all hidden in a small envelope beneath his mattress.

I’m sorry. That’s all I can really say at this point-

Jungkook felt his eyes fill with tears. He couldn’t take a deep breath, as if something was ripping holes into his chest.

I was nothing but a burden to you anyway. I’m sure you all will realize what a favor I’ve done for you. I hope you won’t miss me too much, because a lazy piece of shit like me doesn’t deserve to be missed.

Jungkook thought he was going to throw up.

Promise me one thing. No matter who finds me, no one is allowed to blame themselves for this. I swear if any of you do I’ll come haunt your asses.

Jungkook wanted to – needed to – get to Yoongi, but the sounds of his hyung’s sobs grounded him to the spot. He had only ever heard such gut wrenching cries from one other person before. He stood there, holding the paper until the sound of the sobs lessened. He wanted to talk to Yoongi, but the sound of the sink running scared him. He folded the note back up and fled just as Yoongi opened the bathroom door.

Jungkook sat in his bed, biting his knuckle and sobbing – the same sort of sobs he heard from Yoongi. He didn’t know what to do. He needed to save Yoongi, but he didn’t know how. He could barely save himself. He tried to confront the elder, but Yoongi brushed off his concern before leaving for his studio as he did every night.

When he got the call from his hyung, Jungkook thought his heart was going to explode. He answered as soon as his brain registered the caller ID. He never thought Yoongi would call him of all people. He never thought he would find himself wishing for longer legs, but the entire seven minute run to the studio had Jungkook thinking about how he could have made it in five if only he was a few inches taller.

Seeing Yoongi smile at the restaurant warmed the maknae’s chest in a way he didn’t know he had missed feeling. Yoongi broke down, confessing that he hadn’t been taking his medication, but Jungkook wasn’t upset. If anything, he was ecstatic that his hyung was finally opening up to someone and he would be damned if he let the elder fall back down that dark hole again.

Jungkook fought through the absolute exhaustion that threatened to take over so he could find the files Yoongi had deleted. He knew he needed to rest – his own nightmares keeping him awake more often than not – but Yoongi needed him. He was finally able to be useful to his hyung. He was finally able to make his hyung happy again.
When Jungkook said he would do anything for his hyungs, he meant it.

Jungkook noticed Jimin acting strange, but he didn’t want to upset the dancer. Last time he tried to bring up Jimin’s past experiences with his eating disorder, the elder had shut down and hid away from the younger.

Jungkook was young, but he wasn’t blind. He saw the signs and felt his own stomach constrict. He remembered the first time he noticed something off with his friend, right after debut.

Jimin had been in the bathroom for a while, and normally at such a late hour that wouldn’t have been an issue. Except for the fact that Jungkook’s anxiety was acting up and he wanted to take a shower to clear his head. He was about to knock on the door when he heard gagging and choking. He let his hand fall silently to his side as he listened to Jimin gag over his own fingers.

He was the one who brought it up to Namjoon – that something wasn’t right with Jimin. He had done his research and blatantly ignored any similarities between the symptoms on the page and his own actions. He wasn’t sick. He needed to focus on Jimin, who was quickly wasting away.

When Jimin finally got the help he needed, Jungkook couldn’t help but feel guilty. He saw how unhappy Jimin was about going to his therapy. He listened as Jimin ranted about how pathetic and helpless they made him feel. He flinched when Jimin raised his voice too loud, but he never told the other why he flinched, and Jimin never seemed to notice.
Jungkook knew something was wrong the second time when Jimin let him shower first. Last time, Jimin would just take a cold shower which left a surprising amount of hot for the younger when it was finally his turn. This time, he knew why Jimin asked to go last, and it made his stomach churn painfully.

He hopped in the steaming stream of water and quickly scrubbed the gel from his hair and rubbed the makeup from his eyes. He didn’t let himself think about the itch in his leg that he so desperately wanted to give into. His reasoning was that he needed to focus on healing Jimin, not destroying himself.

Jungkook cursed himself for being so stupid – he forgot to grab clothes before going into the bathroom. He wrapped his towel around his waist, low enough to cover the ugly, carefully placed, beautiful scarring that marred his muscular thigh. No one needed to know.

He would do anything for his hyungs, especially hide his own problems.

When Jungkook found Jimin in his bedroom, shirt discarded and fingernails attempting to draw blood, he knew he needed to do something. And fast.

Jungkook wrapped his arms around his hyung and held him until the shaking stopped. He tried whispering things to the shorter boy to calm him – things Jungkook secretly wished someone would say to him. When Jimin finally calmed down, Jungkook went and got his favorite sweater – the first thing he ever bought with his own money. He brought it on every tour they went on, and wore it when he was feeling down. It was his version of a safety blanket, but he felt Jimin needed it more than him. Jimin never looked smaller than he did in Jungkook’s oversized sweater with tears streaking his already pale face.

Jungkook almost dreaded Taehyung sticking his head in, because he knew what these nights meant to the second youngest – but he also knew Jimin needed this.

Jungkook tried to ignore the hurt that flashed on Tae’s face as he woke Yoongi up.

He genuinely felt happy with the other three. Jungkook couldn’t remember the last time he had seen so many of his hyungs together, in the same spot, smiling like that. He saw Jimin nibbling on some fries, and Yoongi watching the scene happily. Tae was smiling and when Jimin went to the bathroom, he didn’t try to purge.

Jungkook was proud of hyungs.

Jungkook tried his hardest with Taehyung’s demons, but they were more silent than the others. His insecurities and anxieties sat hidden, waiting until the other boy was vulnerable and weak. He knew the dark thoughts that his friend had, and did he best to counteract them. He complimented Tae at any given opportunity, but his words seemed to be brushed off each time.

When he first found Taehyung, sobbing and breaking down, Jungkook didn’t know what to do. They hadn’t even debuted yet – he was just a child. But seeing his hyung, clawing at his face as if he was trying to escape something made Jungkook jump into action.

“Taehyung, what happened?” Jungkook asked desperately trying to pull the other boy’s hands away from his face. Taehyung fought him, trying to push the younger away.

“Go away Jungkook,” He sobbed, struggling against the other. “You already abandoned me once. Why do you care now?”

“What do you mean?” Jungkook honestly felt so lost. What did he mean?

“How many times?” Tae abruptly stopped fighting, and Jungkook had to catch himself before he accidently threw Tae.

“What?”

“How many times have you done things without me?”

“I don’t-”

“Poor Tae, left behind and forgotten,” Tae started crying again, his voice deep and hoarse with emotion. “You don’t need me. I’m just some leftover piece. You all keep calling me a ‘secret weapon’ and saying that once we debut it’ll be worth it but it’s not going to be Jungkook. It’s not going to be worth it. I hate being alone…”

“Oh Tae, we never meant…” Jungkook had no idea Tae had been feeling this way. All during promotions, he would flash his boxy grin from the side lines, encouraging the others without a care in the world. If Jungkook had known how much pain the other was going through… “I promise you Kim Taehyung. I promise you on my life that it’ll all be worth it. Once we debut, you’re going to be so loved. Army is going to love you just as much as we do. They’ll see how amazing and talented and worth it you are the second you step out onto that stage.”

“You can’t promise that.” Tae all but snapped, instantly curling into himself.

“I’ll swear on anything you want.”

“I don’t want to you to-”

“I swear on my life, on my position in this band, on that stuffed duck I won at the carnival last month,” Jungkook could have cried when he saw a small smile on Tae’s lips at the last part. “I swear on how much you mean to us that this will pass, and that everything will be worth it.”

“You really swear on the stuffed duck?” Tae asked, shooting the younger a watery smile. Jungkook smiled back.

“I swear on every stuffed duck in the world.”

“That’s a lot of stuffed ducks.”

“That’s how much I mean it.”

“Thank you Jungkookie,” Tae threw himself into the other’s arms. “You always seem to know what to say.”

“Anything for you Tae.” Jungkook hugged his friend back. Tae didn’t say anything the next morning when he found a familiar stuffed duck sitting next to his pillow, but Jungkook knew how much the animal meant to him.

Jungkook had made a deal with the owner of the fast food restaurant down the road. If they stayed open late on nights that he called ahead, he would use his fame to promote the food, and use his own money to pay the differences in the employee wages. He never let Tae know this though. He didn’t want Tae to feel guilty for anything

When Jungkook found the camcorder, he didn’t know what he was expecting. Maybe some pranks pulled on the other members, or homemade music videos. He turned it on and opened the menu, seeing video after video of Taehyung in about the same position. The thumbnails were too small to see any real details, but it was obvious most of them were from a while ago other than the newest one which was dated earlier that day. Jungkook tucked the camera under his pillow before going out to meet with Tae in the kitchen.

Jungkook was horrified.

He finally found the time to watch the videos on the camcorder and instantly felt the urge to throw himself off the building. Taehyung had been feeling that bad, for that long?

And he never noticed?

The first few videos were of him talking about his day. Jungkook realized they paralleled the videos they would make pre-debut, back when Tae wasn’t allowed to be known.

They started off innocent enough, with Tae joking about the other members or talking about practice. Then, things got dark.

One video opened up with Taehyung sobbing, red scratches covering his upper arms as if he had been clawing at his skin. He just sobbed, heart wrenching sobs that make Jungkook want to throw up. After a few minutes, Tae had calmed down enough to speak.

“I deserve this,” Tae had said, his voice wavering. “I deserve to be alone. Always alone…”

The next video was worse, but for an entirely different reason.

Tae sat on his bed, like in all the other videos, but this time he had no emotion on his face at all. It was if Jungkook was looking at a picture of a doll, and it scared it.

“Everyone left again,” Tae began, his mouth barely moving around his monotone words. “I didn’t bother getting out of bed until a few minutes ago. I didn’t see a point. No one would notice if I didn’t wake up. They’d easily replace me anyway. No one even knows I exist yet. Jungkookie said it would be worth it, but I really don’t think I believe him anymore. It hurts so badly, knowing the only people who know I exist can’t talk about me. Can’t be around me…”

Jungkook could barely watch the rest of the video. The following ones were similar, with Taehyung either crying or staring blankly at a spot above the camera and speaking in a dead, monotone voice. Jungkook noted that the last video was recorded the day of their debut, in the morning.

The newest video was dated from a few days prior, when he first found the camcorder. Taehyung looked so different from the last video, so much more mature and grown. But the blank look in his eyes didn’t seem to change.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve done this…” Tae trailed off, his eyes glazing over for a moment. “I’m alone in the dorm for today. Everyone else has their own things to finish up. I did my part yesterday, so I have a free day… but I can’t help but feel like I did before. Jungkookie said I was irreplaceable, but the voices in my head say I’m worthless. I want to believe Kookie, but the voices are so… convincing. They keep telling me to hurt myself, to leave the band before they can kick me out… but the band is my life. I love performing and I love my hyungs and I love Kookie and I love Army… so why do I feel so weird inside? I should be happy, but it feels like there’s an angry snake in my chest that won’t stop biting my heart. I hate feeling this way… I hate myself. I’m so afraid of being replaced… I don’t want to be alone. I’m so afraid of being alone again…”

Jungkook turned the camera off and all but threw it across the room. He had no idea Taehyung felt that way. One line in particular bounced around in his head.

“They keep telling me to hurt myself.” Jungkook felt his stomach heave. He ran from the room, frantically searching for Taehyung.

He raced to the kitchen and almost collapsed when he saw the boy in question quietly eating a sandwich while sitting on the counter. Jungkook really did fall to his knees when he finally asked the question he had been dreading.

Seeing the white scars on Taehyung’s stomach made his stomach twist, but in a good way. Taehyung’s scars were thin and white – they were old, they had healed. Not like Jungkook, who was covered in purple and red lines that never seemed to fade – not as though Jungkook gave them time to fade before he was smothering them with more.

When Taehyung promised to come to him, Jungkook though he could throw up with relief. The thought of such a bright person hating himself enough to do something so horrible to himself… Jungkook trembled at the idea of Tae being alone in times like that.

Tae had raced him to Namjoon’s bed – the only one in the whole dorm that wasn’t a twin. He had let Tae win, and let the older boy take the side closest to wall. Jungkook knew it made Tae feel safer. He wrapped his arms around Tae and buried his face in the elder’s shoulder, letting relieved tears slip down his cheeks as they quickly fell asleep.

Jungkook hadn’t woken up when Namjoon walk into the room, but he must have heard the leader because he instinctively wrapped himself tighter around Tae, always the shield against the horrors of the real world.

Hoseok was a special hyung to Jungkook. Despite everything, Hoseok seemed to shine so brightly. When things were looking grim before their debut, Hoseok put his own depression aside and kept the air light. Jungkook knew how hard it had to have been for his hyung, which made him respect the older boy that much more.

Jungkook knew something had changed when Hoseok would slip away whenever they had free time. He would leave looking stressed and return with a soft smile, smelling like fresh coffee grounds. Jungkook never pried into where the elder went, and he could tell Hoseok was grateful.

Two days passed without any word from the elder, and Jungkook was more than worried. His mind flew from one scenario to another, each one worse than the one before.
Images of Hoseok bleeding out, vomiting up pills, hanging himself – Jungkook felt himself getting hysterical. Even though those were his own fantasies, he couldn’t help but picture his hyung in similar scenarios. He banged on the door again, begging for Hoseok to at least let him know he was awake – at least let Jungkook know he was alive.

When the door finally opened, Jungkook could have cried, but he kept his composure. He pushed his way into Hoseok’s room and let the older boy sob into his shirt. He couldn’t understand most of what was said, but Jungkook knew it was good for Hobi to get everything out. When Hoseok finally fell asleep, Jungkook knew he had to do something.

He tucked Hoseok into his bed and grabbed his facemask before leaving the dorm quietly. He was never exactly sure where Hoseok always went, but he did know there only one coffee shop in town and followed his gut.

“Do you know a boy around my age, with a big smile? He probably wears a facemask most of the time?” Jungkook asked the man working behind the counter.

“Hobi? He comes almost every day,” The man nodded. Jungkook didn’t notice someone else sitting by the window tune into their conversation. “Haven’t seen him in a little bit though.”

“Are you talking about Hobi oppa?” A female voice interrupted. Jungkook turned and saw a girl his age looking at him strangely. When Jungkook nodded, her face broke out into a bright grin. “I wanted to thank him, but he hasn’t been in.”

“Thank him for what?” Jungkook felt himself asking. Her smile dimmed and she played with the hem of her sleeve.

“For… giving me hope,” She said quietly. “My parents forced me to go to medical school and I hated it. He helped me write an essay and it made me realize I didn’t want to be a doctor. I dropped out of college and my parents… they weren’t happy. They yelled at me and made me feel so guilty. I… at one point I genuinely thought living was too hard. But… but then I remembered how Hobi oppa was so happy to help me. I finally realized what I wanted to do thanks to him. I enrolled in an arts school online so I can become an author. I wanted to tell him, but I haven’t seen him and I didn’t know how to contact him.”

Jungkook just stared at her for a moment before he grinned so wide his cheeks hurt. He pulled her back to the table and they devised a plan.

It had taken hours, but the two of them had found tweet after tweet about how Hoseok had given hope to those who needed it. The girl admitted to knowing Hoseok’s identity, but she said she understood the want to be normal for a little while.

Jungkook texted link after link to his hyung, knowing he was blowing up the other’s phone and grinned a little at the expression he knew Hoseok was going to make when he saw all the notifications. Finally, the girl made a tweet of her own. Jungkook made a point to send that one last. He bid the girl goodbye and rushed back to the dorm. Hoseok’s door was closed when he threw open the front door, and he could hear the sobs coming from inside.

He checked his own phone and saw that his messages had been read by Hoseok. With a tired smile, Jungkook’s legs gave out and he slid to the ground with his back against the door. He just grinned wider as he heard Hoseok laugh through his tears. Finally, he managed to stand and walk towards the kitchen. He exchanged a look with Namjoon and knew their leader understood the situation even without being told, and Jungkook felt the tension leave his shoulders.

Jungkook took a deep breath and went to find Taehyung.

Jungkook tried to help Jin, he really did. But the eldest seemed to unconsciously push the youngest away. He never seemed to notice himself doing it, but Jungkook noticed. He noticed how Jin would always push the younger members forward during award ceremonies, or how he would quickly pass the mic to someone else during interviews. Jungkook noticed how pain would flash through Seokjin’s eyes for just a moment before he was comforting another.

Jungkook took notice of every time Jin did this – putting others first. When he found bottles and bottles of different medicine in the bathroom trash, he knew Jin was sick but refused to admit it. Jungkook had tried his best to help his hyung, but Jin brushed him off. He managed to convince Jin to take a nap only once while he was sick, and Jungkook made soup for the elder. It wasn’t nearly as good as what Jin could have made, but it was something.

One day, they were playing one of Jungkook’s favorite shitty RPGs from the beginning of the century. He knew the game forward and backwards, which made it amusing to see Jin struggle through it. Jungkook saw Jin’s health bar blink red and he was about to offer to drop some health potions for the elder but Jin beat him to it.

“Hold back for a sec,” Jin had said. “Let me heal you first.”

Jungkook felt something snap inside. He hadn’t meant to lecture his hyung then and there. He had been trying to think of the right time to bring it up subtly, but he felt his blood boil at the thought of even in a video game Jin couldn’t take care of himself.

He saw the look in Jin’s eyes and realized he should have confronted him months ago. When Seokjin – Worldwide Handsome, mother of the band – started sobbing, Jungkook knew he did the right thing. Jungkook held his hyung as he cried, letting his emotions out after years of holding it all in.

Jungkook knew what it felt like to put someone else first. Ironically enough, that’s exactly what he was doing. The difference between him and Jin was that Jin didn’t deserve to treat himself that way. He held his hyung as he cried, told him off when he called himself selfish and all but smacked some sense into the eldest.

After that, Jungkook did everything in his power to make Jin assert himself. He made Jin make up his own plate first when dinner was ready rather than taking the scrapings of the pan at the end once everyone else had full plates. He made Jin take the first shower, which Namjoon was more than willing to give to the oldest. He made Jin rest when he started feeling ill, refusing to let the older boy out of bed for days.

At the last show they performed at, Jungkook saw the flash of fear in Jin’s eyes as he realized he was in the front line. He watched Jin try to inch his way to the back and push Yoongi forward more and stopped him. Jungkook placed a hand on Jin’s back so he couldn’t run away. He made Jin talk to the camera, and Jungkook could see how the eldest seemed to swell with pride and excitement as he talked about the band.

When they made it back to the dorms, everyone scattered to their rooms. No one bothered to shower that night, opting to collapse into bed and worry about cleaning off their makeup and hair gel in the morning. Jungkook took his time taking off his shoes and jacket, making sure the others had gotten to bed safely before heading to the bathroom himself. He just planned on brushing his teeth before passing out. Namjoon caught his arm as he was about to enter the bathroom and pulled him aside.

“Jungkook-ah,” He whispered, looking down at the younger boy. Even though Jungkook had grown, Namjoon still managed to keep a little height over him. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Of course hyung,” He said with a tired smile. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I just worry about you kid.” Namjoon frowned, searching for something in Jungkook’s tired, glassy eyes.

“There’s nothing to worry about,” Jungkook said, gently shaking Joon’s hand off his arm. “I’m just doing my job as maknae.”

“Jungkook-” Namjoon tried to say something else, but the youngest had already slipped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

When Jungkook first heard a slam come from Namjoon’s studio, he thought maybe his hyung had fallen. He rushed over and knocked on the door, hoping Namjoon was alright.

When the door opened, Jungkook instantly noticed the odd position that the elder was standing in. His tired eyes zoned in on the red splattering on the floor.
Jungkook didn’t know what to expect, but he hadn’t realized the turmoil the leader had been going through.

“I was… frustrated. Don’t follow my example on that, it wasn’t very smart of me.” Namjoon looked so tired, but Jungkook couldn’t stop the pang in his chest. He gripped the fabric of his sleep pants, feeling the makeshift bandage on his thigh under his fingers. He understood all too well what it was like to take your frustrations out on yourself. Even though he did it himself, Jungkook didn’t want the other boy to do the same.

Namjoon offered to buy him snacks, partially as a thank you and partially as a bribe so the younger wouldn’t ask any more questions. Jungkook took the hint and left the elder, who looked so, so tired.

Weeks seemed to pass without issue. Jungkook saw how Namjoon would freeze anytime something small happened, and he could see the older boy’s brain working in all the wrong ways. It was almost as if Namjoon was getting worse with his anxieties – plates breaking left and right, meal orders being wrong, small things in the dorms being off. It was like Namjoon was letting himself fall deeper and deeper into this self-hatred he seemed to almost want.

He had tried, in the past, to get through to Namjoon.

“Hyung, can I sleep with you tonight?” Jungkook asked for the first time in years. Namjoon was shocked to say the least. Jungkook had always been so adamant about how he wasn’t a child anymore, but seeing how glassy the younger’s eyes seemed to be, Namjoon instantly agreed.

“Is something wrong?” Namjoon whispered as they settled into the leader’s large bed.

“I thought you’d be able to sleep better with someone next to you.” Jungkook said easily before yawning and curling into Namjoon’s side.

“Ah, you’re something else.” Namjoon smiled at the younger even though the latter had already closed his eyes.

“I know you haven’t been sleeping,” Jungkook responded just when Namjoon thought he had fallen asleep. “I know you try to hide it, but I can hear you crying sometimes. I know what it’s like to have nightmares keep you up. Sleeping with Tae always helps mine.”

“Thank you Jungkook-ah.” Namjoon whispered into Jungkook’s hair as he settled himself into bed. Within minutes, bother were fast asleep.

Jungkook knew something was wrong when he saw workers going in and out of Namjoon’s studio. They were carrying large panels and foam – soundproofing he quickly realized. Jungkook easily made the connection. He was making it so the younger wouldn’t hear his breakdowns anymore. Something about the thought made Jungkook’s chest burn.

For the next few nights, Jungkook tried to listen at the studio door. All the soundproofing in the world would have had a hard time blocking sounds from the cracks in the door, especially when a fine tuned ear was pressed against it. For several nights, Jungkook sat by the door, listening for any sign that his hyung was having another panic attack, but nothing happened. He only scrambled back to his own bed when he heard Namjoon stand and stretch, the elder yawning and moaning loudly at the feeling of his spine cracking from sitting so long.

Despite staying awake for hours upon hours each night, Jungkook felt good. Things seemed to be getting better around the dorms. Yoongi smiled more, and though there were episodes where he would randomly burst into tears, he had made good on his promise to talk to Jungkook whenever he felt particularly bad. Jimin was eating again, and was keeping Jin company in the kitchen during meal preps. Jin was loving the help with the cooking, the eldest starting to learn to be more vocal about how he felt. Hoseok was smiling again. He had started an online support page where he could post inspirational messages and respond to different posts. Taehyung was being included more, and everyone saw how bright his smile had gotten. Even though Namjoon seemed off still, he wasn’t crying at night anymore, and wasn’t punching anymore walls – something Jungkook took as a small victory. His family was healing, finally.

One night, Jungkook sprang up from his bed, sweat making his bangs stick to his forehead. He had another nightmare, one of the many that never seemed to stop. Yoongi had killed himself, and everyone blamed Jungkook for not being there, for not caring enough, for not being good enough. Jungkook bit back a sob and jumped out of bed. He needed to walk around.

When he walked past Namjoon’s studio, he saw the light was still on. After the long day they had, Jungkook thought the leader would have gone straight to bed, but the muffled sounds coming from behind the door told him differently. Jungkook tested the door, only slightly surprised to find it unlocked. He inched his way in and froze when he saw Namjoon.

The leader was curled into a corner, sobbing violently. His whole face was red and swollen from crying, and Jungkook could see familiar blond-brown hairs on the floor from where Namjoon must have pulled them out. Suddenly, the elder stood and almost fell back on the ground. Jungkook tried calling out to his hyung, but Namjoon couldn’t hear him.

Jungkook realized he was having another panic attack, this one worse than before. Namjoon stood finally and stopped in front of the faint stain Jungkook wasn’t able to get rid of. His fist made contact with the stain, but there wasn’t much strength behind it. Namjoon’s fist repeated the action twice, ignoring Jungkook desperately trying to get his attention.

He watched in horror as Namjoon wound his arm back, preparing to hit the wall at full force. Jungkook’s body moved on its own. If Namjoon couldn’t hear him, he would make the older boy stop. He threw himself between the wall and the oncoming fist, only realizing for a split second that he was about to be in pain.

He found himself on his knees next, a ringing in his ears blocking out anything else at the moment. He gently cradled his cheek, wondering why it hadn’t been a harder hit. He saw how hard Namjoon was preparing to hit the wall, so why didn’t he hurt more?

When Jungkook looked up, he saw what a mess the elder was. Namjoon pulled back at the last second, Jungkook realized as he pulled the taller boy into his arms. Namjoon sobbed violently, yelling about how he hurt the maknae, about how pathetic he was. His breathing started to pick up and Jungkook knew what was happening.

He talked Namjoon through the panic attack, keeping his voice low and soothing. He said to the leader everything he wished someone would say to him when he was in the same position. Jungkook poured all the love and resentment and pain he had been piling up into caring for Namjoon, who slowly but surely began to listen to the younger.
Jungkook felt his eyes sting as he listened to Namjoon talk. He never knew the leader felt that way – felt so much like how Jungkook felt. Jungkook felt Namjoon start to shake again when the elder remembered what he had done, and Jungkook realized he had to act fast.

Without thinking much, he took the side of his free hand and hit Namjoon right on the top of his head. The elder’s words instantly died on his tongue as he looked up at Jungkook with wide, red-rimmed eyes. Jungkook couldn’t help but smile at Namjoon’s absolutely gob-smacked expression.

“There, and I’ve hit you,” Jungkook knew it was exactly what Namjoon needed to hear when he saw the elder’s lips turn up in a hint of a smile. “Now we’re even, right hyung?”

The next morning, Jungkook saw the exhaustion in Namjoon’s eyes, but he also saw something that had been missing for who knows how long.

For the first time in years, Jungkook saw hope in Namjoon’s eyes.

Jungkook stared down at his thigh, watching the blood quickly run down his skin. He wasn’t crying, or shaking like one would normally picture when mutilating themselves. Jungkook was completely calm, though part of that might have been from the blood loss. He wondered why people always described blood as feeling hot when it seemed so icy running down his leg.

Everyone had gone to bed already. Only Jungkook was left awake – just him and his thoughts. He made another swipe with the box cutter blade he had bought. The pain didn’t come at first, but when it did he barely managed to bite back his hiss.

He didn’t mean for it to get this bad, he really hadn’t. This started small, using a safety pin to make light, barely there lines on his ankle when he was stressed. Soon it spiraled to scissors, then to actual blades. He never meant for it to get this bad, but there he was – bleeding out on the bathroom floor yet again.

When Jungkook felt his eyes drift shut for a moment, he knew it was time to clean himself up and go to bed. With practiced movements, the youngest began mopping up the floor first. He moved onto his leg, then to the cuts themselves. He skillfully taped a bandage over them, not bothering with cleaning the cuts. He didn’t care if they scarred – that was the point, wasn’t it?

Silently as he could, Jungkook made his way back to his room. He slipped into bed and was just about to close his eyes when a soft voice called his name.

“Jungkook-ah? Are you alright?” Taehyung asked from his bed across the room. Jungkook froze, thinking for a second that maybe Tae had realized what he had been doing to himself, only to relax. Jungkook knew what a good job he did at hiding everything.

“Of course Tae,” Jungkook’s whisper was just as quiet as Tae’s. “I just needed some water.”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

“Of course. Now, go to sleep. I know you stayed up late last night. You don’t have to worry about me.” Jungkook felt his throat close up as he lied to his best friend. He wanted to go to Tae – to anyone – and talk to them. He was dying to open up and cry and show his scars to someone who would care and tell him that he’ll be okay.

But he didn’t. Jungkook kept silent, head down and making sure everyone else was okay.

You haven’t done enough. You should have done so much more. You should have prevented everything before it even started.

Jungkook ignored the voice in his head and buried his face in his pillow, finally drifting off into a blood loss high fueled sleep.

They were filming BTS Run, as they tended to be when there was free time. As much as he loved spending time with his hyungs, and as much as he loved making content for his fans, Jungkook just wanted to sleep. The games they had them playing were silly and borderline impossible, but that didn’t stop the others from playfully heckling the youngest.

“Ah, Jungkook-ah you just had to climb the forty foot wall!” Jin joked, gently slapping the youngest on the back when the buzzer sounded, announcing that Jungkook had failed the challenge. It was the first one of the day he had failed, while the others barely managed to pass even one of their own challenges. Not that Jungkook was keeping track.

“Guess we’ll have to call you the Silver Maknae from now on.” Hoseok joined in. Jungkook just gave a tight lipped smile and turned back to Taehyung, who was acting as MC for the episode.

Jungkook didn’t want to show how badly their comments affected him, so he put all of his focus onto the game. At one point, it was the other teams turn, so Jungkook, Hoseok and Jimin sat down to watch the other three.

“Hey Jungkook, are you alright?” Hoseok asked, watching the younger boy’s expression morph from something akin to disgust to a blank mask.

“Of course hyung, just bothered I messed up that challenge.” He said softly. Hoseok felt a weird tension rolling off the younger boy that he didn’t like.

“It was an impossible challenge. No one would have been able to complete it. Hell, no one would have been able to make it as far as you did.”

“Doesn’t mean I couldn’t have done better.”

“Jungkook-” before Hoseok could scold the younger for being so hard on himself, they were called back up.

“Don’t worry hyung, I’m fine” Jungkook said before the cameras went on them again.

Jimin knew something was wrong. Having everyone monitor his own eating habits made him notice the eating habits of those around him more. He noticed how Jin liked to eat more vegetables, but Hoseok and Yoongi preferred seasoned food.

That’s how he noticed Jungkook just playing with his lunch during their break of filming the show. Usually the youngest is the first one done eating, but this time his plate was barely touched and it looked like he was planning on keeping it that way. Jungkook stood and went to throw out his plate when Jimin caught his sleeve.

“Are you okay Kookie?” Jimin asked. Jungkook managed to keep his face blank.

“Yeah, I’m just feeling a little off. Maybe I ate something bad last night or something. Don’t worry.” He shrugged his friend off and threw the food out. Jimin watched as Jungkook walked back to the set, limping slightly.

“Why is he limping?” Jimin wondered, a tightness choking his chest.

Namjoon watched Jungkook try and complete the dance challenge with concern. The usually graceful boy was stumbling and wincing when his hand happened to brush over his leg. Namjoon tried pulling the boy aside as soon as the cameras were off, but Jungkook just brushed him off.

“I’m fine hyung,” He had said, shrugging on his jacket. “Don’t worry about me.”

On the walk from the set to the car, Jin sat himself next to the youngest. He normally drove, but he was worried so he let Yoongi take the wheel.

“Maknae, Jimin-ah told me you didn’t eat lunch,” Jin said with a warm smile. His smile didn’t fade when Jungkook refused to look at him. “If your stomach is upset, I can make something light when we get back to the dorms?”

“No thank you hyung,” Jungkook said, still staring out the window. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine, really.”

Jungkook didn’t say anything for the rest of the ride back, despite the other’s attempts to draw him into a conversation. Jungkook rushed to his room the second he was let out of the car, completely ignoring the concerned looks that followed him.

Jungkook found himself sitting on the couch, blankly watching some show on the television while he waited for the bathroom to open up. He just wanted to shower and…

Yoongi saw the youngest staring at the TV without really seeing anything that was happening. He sat down next to him, but Jungkook didn’t show any sign that he noticed the older boy approach. Yoongi cleared his throat with similar results. Finally, with a sigh, he pulled the youngest into his chest so the brunet was resting his head on the elder.

“Jungkook, you’re starting to scare me,” Yoongi whispered. He felt Jungkook stiffen under his touch and his own stomach dropped. “Please, be honest with me. Are you okay?”

“I will be,” Jungkook murmured, his face contorting as if he was in pain. “I will be real soon. You don’t have to worry anymore.”

Before Yoongi could say anything, the bathroom door opened and Jungkook was no longer in his arms. The bathroom door slammed shut again and didn’t open until everyone was asleep.

Jungkook knew he was weak.

Yoongi hyung had been in this same place, but he survived. He survived because he wasn’t supposed to die, because he was loved. Because he was special.

Jungkook made sure he had twice as much as Yoongi had.

No one noticed the youngest going out and purchasing sleeping pills on not one, but two different occasions. He now had seventy five little pills in two colors from two different boxes. No one questioned him when he bought a bottle of whisky, mainly because the cashier was a fan and he may have used his fame to break the law a little.

Jungkook showered, not wanting to be gross when he was found. When he turned off the water, he listened carefully, but there was no sound which meant everyone was in bed.

He was glad he wrote a note days before and placed it carefully under his blanket. Tomorrow, or whenever they went to check on him, they would pull the covers back and see it. At least, that’s how Jungkook pictured it happening. He threw back five of the pills.

He imagined they would check his bed first, only to find it empty.

He threw back another five.

They would look for him, maybe waiting to look in the bathroom last. Maybe they would look here first, he mused.

Another five.

They would cry, and try to wake him up. But it would be too late.

Five more.

It was too late for poor Jungkook. He was too tired.

Five.

Jungkook just wanted to sleep. He was tired of the heavy feeling that seemed to ooze through his veins and drag him farther and farther and farther down this path of self-destruction that never seemed to have an end and definitely didn’t have a way to turn back.

He tried to take five more, but his hands were shaking so badly they fell to the floor and rolled out of his reach. His blurry eyes followed one as it rolled towards the door, only to stop when it hit a bare foot.

Jungkook followed the foot to a leg that was wearing dark blue pajama pants and then to a face that was staring at him in complete, unwavering horror. Jungkook faintly managed to recognize Yoongi before his eyes started to slip shut.

Hands were on him.

“Don’t you fall asleep on me! Damnit!” There was a loud voice in his ear, but it sounded like it was coming through water. Jungkook felt something in his mouth, and suddenly he was heaving painfully onto the floor. Again, something was shoved down his throat until he threw up, the burn of the whiskey twice as painful on the way up. He could feel the small, half dissolved pills leave his mouth and splatter onto the bathroom floor.

There were more sounds – more voices – but he couldn’t understand any of them. His head was spinning and all he wanted was to sleep.

“Jungkook you little fucker STAY AWAKE!”

Jungkook’s eyes flew open as icy water splashed over his head. He felt cold porcelain under his fingers and finally managed to look around. He had been moved to the tub and someone had turned the shower on cold and pointed it right at his face.

He saw double as hands and faces and tears danced before his eyes. His throat hurt so badly that he wanted to cry. Hot water ran separately down his face. A hand rubbed his back as he suddenly heaved again, spitting up nothing but bitter acid that had a sickly blue tinge from the pills.

“Jungkook, what the fuck were you thinking?” Yoongi hyung’s voice was the first to break through his haze. Jungkook looked up and saw how scared the older boy looked. A small part of him realized how the other must have been feeling, seeing someone he looked at as a younger brother in the exact same position he had been in months before.

“How could you try to leave us?” Arms were thrown around his neck, pushing Jungkook out of the spray of the shower. He didn’t care about his clothes getting wet, but when a faint part of him realized that now Taehyung’s clothes were getting soaked as well, Jungkook tried to push him off. Taehyung just tightened his grip on the youngest, his tears boiling against Jungkook’s freezing skin. Hands were on his again, and he was warm. The sound of the shower had stopped and there was something soft wrapped around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” Jungkook whispered, his voice all but gone.

“Give him some space,” Namjoon ordered, his voice shaking as violently as his hands. He had just been about to fall asleep when he heard a scream. He rushed to the bathroom to see Yoongi standing in the door way, clutching at his face. He peered over the shorter boy’s shoulder and saw the maknae leaning against the tub, face pale and breathing shallow with pills surrounding him. Namjoon had never, ever been more afraid in his life. “He needs room.”

“Come on Jungkook-ah, we need to get you out of those wet clothes.” Jin spoke up, lifting the suddenly smaller boy and carrying him to his room. Taehyung was the one to notice a small corner of paper poking out from the younger boy’s blankets. He quickly pulled the letter out as Jin quickly tried to take off Jungkook’s wet clothes. Jimin had grabbed Jungkook’s favorite sweater and a pair of gym shorts and was waiting impatiently by Jin’s side.

“Oh my god…” Jin’s voice cracked. Six pairs of eyes were on the mutilated skin that was once Jungkook’s thigh. The water had destroyed the tape and bandage, which slipped off along with his wet sweatpants.

“Holy…” No one knew what to say. Never, in a thousand years, would they even ponder the idea that their maknae was doing this to himself, especially not to this extent. They could see scars long as their hand and wide as a finger from cuts that obviously should have gotten stiches. Hoseok ran and threw up in the sink, not knowing how to process what was happening.

Jungkook watched this all happen with half lidded eyes.

Namjoon knelt in front of the boy and carefully bandaged his cuts. What worried the leader the most was how Jungkook didn’t react when he put medicine on the wounds. He stepped aside and let Jimin and Jin dress the youngest like a doll.

Tae wailed from the bed, screaming into his fist as he finished the letter. Namjoon quickly pulled Tae into a one armed hug as he took the paper from him with the other arm. The leader only had to scan the first few lines before he felt bile rise in the back of his throat.

“Take Jungkook to my room,” He ordered. He knew Jungkook liked his bed because of his big it was, and he also knew none of them were going to leave his side. “Jin, make sure he eats some bread. I don’t know how much it’ll help, but hopefully it’ll absorb any of the pills still in his system. Don’t let his sleep, no matter what… I’ll clean the bathroom… fuck…”

Namjoon broke down, crushing the paper as he sobbed into his hands.

How had things gotten this bad?

“Don’t cry,” a small voice broke through the chaos. All eyes went to Jungkook and the world seemed to hold its breath. “I’m sorry. I’ll be okay… don’t worry.”

“Jungkook, you idiot-” Yoongi couldn’t finish his sentence as they took the youngest out of the room.

“Don’t worry my ass.” Namjoon growled. It was excruciating, trying to clean the bathroom while he heard wails coming from the other room, but Namjoon didn’t want any of the other members to have to deal with this part of it. They needed to be with Jungkook.

He rushed to his room, where they were still sitting up with Jungkook.

The youngest looked like absolute shit.

Dark bags stood out painfully against his pale skin and Namjoon could see his hands shaking around a cup of water. Jungkook slowly looked up at Namjoon as he entered, his eyes blank and dark. Namjoon felt his heart shatter again.

“Hyung…” Jungkook’s voice was still barely above a whisper. “I’m really sorry… I didn’t want to- I never thought- I just…” He trailed off, tears trickling down his cheeks.

“Jungkook…” Namjoon said quietly. The others parted to let the leader sit in front of the youngest. Jungkook looked away, as if expecting to be hit. Instead, Namjoon pulled him into a tight hug. Namjoon held onto Jungkook as if the youngest would turn to ash in his fingers if he let go even the slightest amount.

“We’re going to take turns watching you, okay?” He asked into Jungkook’s hair. When he felt the younger boy nob, he continued. “I know we can’t bring this to anyone because they’ll just hurt you more with press and all that… So we’re going to take care of you.”

“I’m sorry hyung.” Jungkook stuttered out.

“We love you Jungkook-ah. Never forget that.”

They spent the night taking turns keeping Jungkook awake. Jin told him jokes, Hoseok told him stories from his blog. Jimin and Tae played games with him. Namjoon just talked to him, about anything and everything. Yoongi held onto the youngest as if he was about to disappear, roughly shaking him anytime he thought the youngest was being too still in his arms.

By the time morning came, they were all exhausted. Exhausted, but alive.

“Hyung, could I have some toast?” Jungkook asked, sounding almost scared. Jin jumped at the opportunity to do something for the youngest. Jungkook looked at the ground, still trying to understand what happened. His head was clearer and his throat had stopped burning as much. His stomach still heaved at any movement but he figured that was to be expected in his situation.

“Jungkook-ah,” Namjoon sat down heavily on the bed that the youngest was on. He saw Jungkook spacing out, but he didn’t expect the brunet boy to flinch at the sound of his voice and try to cover his face. “Kookie…”

“I’m sorry hyung.” Jungkook covered his face.

“Can I asked you some questions? You don’t have to answer right now if you don’t want to, okay?” Namjoon saw Jungkook look up and glance around worriedly. “Don’t worry, I sent the others out to rest up and eat. It’s just us.”

“Alright.”

“Why do you flinch so much?” Namjoon asked, knowing asking the main question that was on all of their minds right off the bat might overwhelm the boy. Jungkook pulled his legs closer to his body in an attempt to make himself smaller.

“Remember the man with the short hair and the mole on his cheek?” He asked back, describing a staff member that had been fired a few years after they debuted without any word as to why. Namjoon nodded, confused on where Jungkook was going with his story. “He… he wanted me to perform better. When he got upset he… tended to get a little violent. He would hit me when I messed up or didn’t do as well as he wanted me to. Someone took pictures and it blew up online and they fired him. None of you were told because they didn’t want you to lose focus on the band. That was one reason they try to keep us away from the internet as much as possible.”

“That bastard.” Namjoon growled, rage building in his chest. Jungkook smiled sadly and shook his head.

“It’s alright now hyung,” his voice matched his smile and Namjoon wanted to hide the boy away from the pain of the world. “He’s gone. I’m just… still a little on edge I guess.”

“Has anyone abused you like that since?” Namjoon was almost afraid to ask.

“No, thankfully.”

“Did you get the idea of the pills from Yoongi hyung?”

“No, I had decided on pills before he did anything,” Jungkook admitted. He realized there was no reason to hide anything at this point. They had shoved their fingers down his throat to make him throw up the pills from a suicide attempt. Anything was on the table. “I bought the boxes far enough apart that no one would question it.”

“How long have you been feeling suicidal?” Namjoon asked. Jungkook fell silent, and the leader could see the boy thinking hard.

“A few years,” He answered honestly. “I think I wrote my first note right after debut.”

“Have you… have you tried before?”

“Not like this.”

“If not like this, how?” Namjoon could feel the younger was almost eager to talk about this. After years of pretending everything was okay, he could understand why Jungkook would talk so easily.

“I wouldn’t pay attention to how many pills I would take. I wouldn’t watch when I crossed the road. I wouldn’t wear a seat belt… small things like that I guess. I never actively tried to k-kill myself before.”

“Jungkook, why didn’t you talk to any of us? We all care about you so much.”

“I didn’t want to be a bother,” Jungkook felt his eyes sting. “You all are going through your own problems. I didn’t want to add anything onto that. Besides, I’m the Golden Maknae… I have to be perfect, right?”

“Oh kid,” Namjoon broke and wrapped his arms tight around the boy, holding as close as physically possible. “Oh Jungkook no, no, no. You don’t have to protect us. You’re perfect just by being you. You don’t have to pretend to be okay when you’re not. You always tell us not to do that. You need to take our own advice.”

“I was just so tired hyung,” Jungkook buried his face in Namjoon’s chest. “I was so tired… it felt like my heart was tired of beating. Waking up every morning was painful. Going out, filming, smiling for the cameras… it was killing me. I don’t know what broke me last night after so long of holding on but… but I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hold on. I don’t really even remember doing it… it’s such a blur already… you probably think I’m weak, don’t you? Weak and stupid-”

“None of us think that.” Namjoon couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Jeon Jungkook – the one who selflessly did everything for his hyungs, the one that noticed Jimin’s eating disorder first and saved his life. He saved Yoongi’s life. He saved Taehyung’s life. Jungkook had saved them all in some way or another.

But Jeon Jungkook forgot to save himself.

“Hyung, I’m scared.” Jungkook whispered.

“Of what?”

“What’s going to happen now? What’s going to happen to the band? What if people find out I tried to… what if they take me away? I don’t want t-to be taken a-away…”

“I won’t let that happen,” Namjoon swore to himself that he would protect Jungkook from anything that could hurt him, no matter what. “We’re going to keep you safe, okay? If they want to take you away, they’re going to have to go through all six of us first.”

“Thank you hyung,” Jungkook sobbed, clutching onto the front of Namjoon’s already tear-stained shirt. “Thank you. Thank you, thank you.”

“No, thank you Jungkook-ah.”

“Come on Jungkook! They’re going to close before we even leave the dorm!” Tae hissed to the dark room. Jungkook was just slipping on his face mask and quickly followed behind the older boy. He tread silently out of habit, but when he saw five other figures standing by the door, he remembered he wasn’t technically sneaking out this time.

Over the few days following his attempt, he managed to tell the others everything. He told them about his cutting, and food restrictions. He told them about the abuse he suffered years before and the voice in his head yelling at him. He even told them about how he would ask for the fast food restaurant to stay open later specifically for them.

None of them had been mad. In fact, Tae thought it was cool how Jungkook was able to get the restaurant to stay open late whenever he wanted.

“It’s almost like you own it,” He had joked. “You get to decide the hours.”

“Come on, even with being bribed I doubt they’re going to wait forever.” Yoongi grumbled as he zipped up his jacket. Jungkook knew he wasn’t actually upset.

As they walked down the road, street lights casting shadows that seemed to dance on the grinning faces of the seen boys, Jungkook was suddenly hit with a realization.
He almost left all this. He almost left his hyungs, left late night fries, left the street lamps that made everything look golden and the sidewalks that were uneven and the stay cats that would follow them for a block or two before getting bored. He felt a tear slip down his cheek.

“You realized it, didn’t you?” Yoongi’s voice startled Jungkook from his thoughts. The maknae looked over at his hyung, who had his hands deep in his pockets. Yoongi’s eyes glanced over to Jungkook before looking back at the backs of the other boys. “You realized how much you would have left.”

“How did you-?”

“How did I know?” He let out a humorless chuckle. “It was when you took me out to fries that first night with Jimin and Tae that I realized the same thing.”

“Thank you hyung…”

“For what?” Finally Yoongi turned his head to look at Jungkook, who gave the elder a small but genuine smile.

“For understanding… and caring.” He said softly. Yoongi just huffed but smiled behind his facemask. He ruffled Jungkook’s hair, causing the younger boy to yelp a little.

“Just… don’t scare us like that again, okay?” Yoongi stopped walking. Jungkook stopped as well and turned back to face his hyung. Yoongi pulled the facemask down and Jungkook could see his pink his usually pale cheeks were from the night chill. “We would fall apart without you.”

“I promise hyung,” Jungkook finally grinned wide, his bunny teeth showing for the first time in months. “Looks like you’re stuck with me.”

“Good. You brat.” Yoongi slung his arm around Jungkook’s neck, their height difference causing the younger to have to crouch a little as the elder dragged him along.

Jeon Jungkook was a lot of things. He was the Golden Maknae, but he was also a friend, and a brother and family. He was kind, and caring almost to a fault. He was broken, but he was learning to heal.

Overall, Jeon Jungkook was happy to be alive.