Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

2.

Tony didn’t mean to become a helicopter parent so involved in Peter’s life, but he could safely deem it his favorite accident out of many. If he were to keep tabs on the boy, though, he of course ought to do it himself, not through Happy. Which Happy would be very happy about.

(This joke was getting old.)

With that in mind, the first thing after coming home from his “day off”, was to ease Hap off that responsibility. Tony didn’t doubt his friend would still be involved with Peter, still the kid’s personal driver (as Tony liked to point out with a smirk) and all, but for all the grumbling and eye-rolling, the topic of their shared spider problem came up quite often – often without Tony’s prompting.

Happy could stick his unhappy faces (yup, hilarious) up his ass, Tony wouldn’t believe any of that “I hate this kid” bullshit, because honestly, they both adored the boy, however much in denial they were over it.

But that brought a lot of confusion.

His focus was all over the place, and most of the work stayed in FRIDAY’s non-existent hands. For that reason, he almost missed the bar of information about Twitter, barely visible amidst all the tabs hanging in the air in front of Tony.

When his eyes skipped over it, though, and promptly returned, his focus tunneled on the small text: “@peterparkour has tagged @yoursonlyironman 274 times”.

where do I apply to be @yoursonlyironman

I can’t believe what’s happening. where’s @yoursonlyironman

AND WHO WAS RIGHT @yoursonlyironman IS KICKING ASS YALL CAN KISS MY ASS

shitttttttt @yoursonlyironman

@nedled that’s the second time in my life i like practically stood next to @yoursonlyironman that’s gotta mean something

@yoursonlyironman just single-handedly saved the world just sayin

just lost my crap. did you?? see?? Avengers on tv?? u see that upgrade on iron man’s suit??? @yoursonlyironman HOW DO YOU DO THAT i’m hyperventilating

black widow is badass af if @yoursonlyironman wasn’t my ult fav she’d be my fav avenger

this is such a mess can ppl chill with hating @yoursonlyironman

hello to everyone and especially those who appreciate the crap out of @yoursonlyironman and his suits bc this shit genius

oh great we’re on the hating @yoursonlyironman roll again? what’d he do?? breathed????

I??? got??? an internship??? at SI????? what is my life??? is this real???? @nedled r u crying????

If anyone were to ask if Tony really read through all the 274 tweets from Peter, he’d deny it with a snarky remark and unimpressed face. If anyone asked Pepper, he still wouldn’t admit to anything, especially to himself, even though his fiancé knew better, and she’d make sure to inform everyone about it.

Tony wasn’t a stranger to social media, he knew people tagged famous people for no particular reason and it wasn’t that personal. The almost 300 tweets spanned over years, too, practically since Peter had made his account. And the boy – Jesus – he tweeted a shit-ton every day, no joke.

Still, seeing Gen Z Peter in his natural habitat, screaming into the void of the internet, was quite… an otherworldly experience to Tony. The Internet Peter was a stark contrast to Peter Around Tony, who, he had noticed already, was also a stark contrast to Spider-Man Peter.

Tony was only a little (lies) sorry he figured out these things from stalking doing an information check on the kid, instead, like, normal human interaction.

With a sigh, he closed all the tabs with a swipe of his hand, and the light dimmed instantly. He considered turning up the lights, now he’d shut down the holograms illuminating the space. Then again, he had the day off, and a lot on his mind – Pepper would be glad to see him done with work at a reasonable hour, for once.

“We’re calling it a night, FRI,” he told the AI, getting up and stretching. “Goodnight, dear.”

“Goodnight, boss.”

As he started towards the exit, he pulled out his Starkphone, a jumble of incoherent thoughts still swirling aimlessly in his head. He tried not to decipher what the discovery of Peter’s Twitter account made him feel. He definitely wasn’t resisting a smile, if anyone was wondering. The observation that his handle popped up very rarely in Peter’s tweets these days surely didn’t sting. And he absolutely didn’t waste time scrolling through some of the latest activity from the kid, even though there was next to nothing about him, and all about Star Wars, daily life, with the bonus of friendly banter with @nedled and @MJones, and some less friendly teasing from @yoursonlyflash – and if that last notice didn’t make Tony snort.

And then, his blood boil.

Flash @yoursonlyflash

so @peterparkour hired a tony stark look-alike today bc he wasn’t getting enough attention now that he ended the stark internship lie lmao. who’s penis did u suck to pay for that, penis? lol I thought u couldn’t get lower than that

Peter Parker @peterparkour

[Replying to @yoursonlyflash]

u know i can report u for that right?

Flash @yoursonlyflash

go ahead, people still know it’s tru lol

Katy W @catkat

that’s low of u too flash. tho u could give up already parker. or u gonna bring back the “stark internship” now that “iron man” came to our school adjdhfg

Peter woke up to his phone blowing up with notifications.

Before he was even fully awake, he squinted at the screen and sat up in his bed, opening the Twitter app.

What the hell.

He got the notice about filtering through his notifications because he got so many that night. Dread filled him up as he mentally checked through possible explanations of his sudden fame, the reveal of Spider-Man’s identity leading the list. He held his breath, praying it was just Flash dicking around and making him the butt of a joke that went viral. Peter could take that. He could deal with being turned into a meme – he’d be honored, actually, even if people made fun of him for that.

Neither of the scenarios turned out to be true. Nothing Peter would ever think up could measure up to what actually happened.

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

That’s my favorite intern you’re defaming, buddy. You have 24 hours to deactivate. Or got any good ideas to make me change my mind?

[quote]

Flash @yoursonlyflash

so @peterparkour hired a tony stark look-alike today bc he wasn’t getting enough attention now that he ended the stark internship lie lmao. who’s penis did u suck to pay for that, penis? lol I thought u couldn’t get lower than that

Peter blinked a few times at the screen, unsure if he was still dreaming. He clicked on Tony’s handle, which he was 100% sure did belong to Tony, but maybe in his sleepy state Peter was seeing things wrong.

But, nope – @yoursonlyironman definitely was Tony Stark’s account and… follows you?

“What the – “ he whispered.

It took him a while to find his way around the notifications – there were many, but if you really looked at the numbers, he didn’t blow up that much. People just mentioned him in tweets about Tony’s last tweet, and in replies. A couple hundred people had followed him, even, for some reason.

He found at least the one notification he had been looking for: @yoursonlyironman followed you.

Peter might’ve or might’ve not screamed.

What was going on? Why Mr. Stark decided to –

Oh. Yesterday. They went for Thai, ice cream, then drove to the compound, and Peter spent possibly some of the best hours in his whole life there, in Tony Stark’s private workshop, getting more education in fifteen minutes than in a year of high school (in his opinion). And, to make his life more unbelievable, he had dinner with Mr. Stark and Miss Potts while Brooklyn Nine Nine played in the air, because who needs TV when you can project anything right there in the middle of the kitchen.

Apparently he had befriended Iron Man without noticing it.

He quickly returned to the original tweet that had caused everything.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

[Replying to @yoursonlyironman]

MR STARK YOU CAN’T JUST TELL PEOPLE TO DEACTIVATE

Puffing out his cheeks as he sighed, Peter shook his head and got up to get ready for school.

His life was getting weirder by the day. 

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

[Quoting @yoursonlyflash]

That’s my favorite intern you’re defaming, buddy. You have 24 hours to deactivate your account.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

[Replying to @yoursonlyironman]

MR STARK YOU CAN’T JUST TELL PEOPLE TO DEACTIVATE

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

Sure I can. Hey @yoursonlyflash deactive. Maybe first change your name while at it.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

mr stark we talked abt it “im tony stark” isn’t a real excuse

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

Uh, sure it is. Check my Wikipedia page.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

okay I did and? it has a whole section?? did u write it yourself???

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

For YOU it may be surprising, but some people love me. Even more than I love myself. Take notes, Parker.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

didn’t u say the same thing but with hating… literally yesterday?

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

Are you trying to ruin my reputation???

Peter Parker @peterparkour

yeh, sorry, i know u work hard for this “problematic fave” aesthetic

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

You’re fired.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

im not

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

You’re grounded.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

u cant ground me

Peter Parker @peterparkour

we’ve been over this mr. stark

Peter Parker @peterparkour

u took my pizza privilege yesterday too

Peter Parker @peterparkour

DID U SERIOUSLY BLOCK ME

Peter Parker @peterparkour

M R  S T A R K

Peter Parker @peterparkour

C O M E  O N

Peter Parker @peterparkour

U STARTED IT U CANT DO THIS TO ME IM SORRY @happyhogan TELL HIM TO UNBLOCK ME

Peter Parker @peterparkour

HE BLOCKED ME TOO AFHJVKJADJHL

Peter Parker @peterparkour

ok not rly surprising but

Peter Parker @peterparkour

aksdjha miss @PepperPotts please

Peter Parker @peterparkour

ur my last hope. i have your phone numbers pls don’t make me do it

Pepper Potts @PepperPottsOfficial

You, boys, are a PR nightmare. :)

Peter Parker @peterparkour

im sorryyyy ):

Hogan @happyhogan

Don’t you have school?

Peter Parker @peterparkour

omw. Ccmon mr starkkkk

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

That’s exactly why I never wanted kids.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

wanted?? past tense?? want to tell us something mr. stark

Tony Stark @yoursonlyironman

Next time I’ll block you and your phone number. And take away your access. And block Karen, too. You’ll be seeing me only through TV.

Peter Parker @peterparkour

that sounds fake but okay

And that was how it started.

It’s not like Tony was blind. He saw the signs, he registered what they meant in the back of his mind. Even his friends – first Pepper, then Happy and Rhodey who never even properly met the damn kid – started pointing out his unusual approach to ‘mentoring’.

“You mean parenting?” Rhodey took a spoonful of yoghurt.

“That’s way past mentoring,” agreed Pepper, putting on a lid on her coffee cup before dashing to a meeting.

Yes, okay, his involvement with the kid was verging on “highly personal” and “parental”, but they didn’t have to rub it in his face when he was still in emotional denial.

Apparently, though, even the kid had noticed and decided to make use of it.

“I’m not gonna bother you,” said Peter, sounding as if someone was pinching his nose. He blinked sluggishly, too. “It’s just warm and nice here, you know? Always the perfect temperature and at home I have to keep correcting the thermostat, and I have to get up for that, and it’s so annoying, you know? I get all comfy in a blanket burrito and then I have to – “

At least Tony thought that was what he said, as decoding his nasal, slurred speech turned out to be quite a challenge.

“Okay, okay, I draw the line at blanket burritos. Knock yourself out,” he gestured to the couch, “I don’t care. Do you need something?”

“Nah,” mumbled Peter, drifting slowly to the couch. “Thank you.”

He rolled over the backrest and fell like a brick on the seats.

Well. There’s that.

“FRIDAY,” muttered Tony when he was out of Peter’s hearing range. “Find ways to deal with sick kids and send the best juice on my phone.”

That was how the next day, he found himself shopping.

As in, physically going out to shop.

God.

The corner shop was right next to Tony’s New York penthouse, so the trip wouldn’t take longer than fifteen minutes – as opposed to at least forty minutes wait from the quickest delivery he found online. And Tony was anything but patient.

The thing was, no medicine could help Peter. All he had, he had given the kid. Some leftovers from Steve, some stuff from Helen… they diminished a lot of the symptoms, but if Peter was sick, he had to sick it out and heal on his own.

Thankfully, he didn’t get sick often with his metabolism and the healing factor. Still, obviously, he wasn’t 100% immune.

After he’d come to Tony the previous day, they decided with May that he could stay there for the time being. Tony worked from home most of the time anyway, and there was Pepper in the mornings and evenings, and he had access to drugs that would at least affect the kid slightly without destroying his liver, as well as the best medical equipment in the country and mutant-specialized doctors on-call.

“If it’s not too much trouble, Tony,” May had said. “I wish I could be there for him, but I always left him at home alone anyways. He used to get sick a lot – I guess not anymore, but I’d rather leave the sick days to spend time with him or celebrations… you know how it is. You never know when something comes up. And he’s a big boy now. But if he can stay with you at least when I’m at work, I’d feel better that someone’s there to watch him.”

So, a nanny. Tony became a nanny.

“Sure,” he had answered anyway. “He can stay over until he’s good. Can’t imagine driving morning-evening would do him any good.”

And what exactly possessed him to say that?

"How often do you change the diaper again?"

May hung up with a laugh.

Still, there he was, probably smothering the kid way too much, getting tons of snacks (organic and the most nutritious junk food he could find). Doing groceries because he didn’t want to wait too long for delivery.

“And he’s back!” Tony announced himself grandly the second he stepped into the living room. The door slid closed behind him. The blanket burrito didn’t answer. “I’ve got everything a sick Spider-Kid would need,” that elected a groan from the burrito. “Not medicine, obviously. But all the other good stuff. Snacks, drinks, tissues, tissues bin, a bin for the tissues bin…” he ignored the faint ‘what’, going to take everything out of the bags. The sound of potato chips, which he was counting on, didn’t move the burrito, but his next words did: “And Legos.”

At that, a head peeked out of one side of the burrito – and honestly, until then Tony didn’t know if he was talking to the head or the ass.

“Legos?” Peter repeated nasally, his gaze finally landing on all the purchases laid on the coffee table in front of him. “Oh my God. I thought you went to, to - to buy, like, a pack of Lay’s and - soda? I - Oh my Go – Mr. Stark.”

“What?” he spread out his hands. “Aren’t you bored? You like Legos, don’t you?”

“I – Yes, it’s just – Jesus,” suddenly he started laughing, pausing only to cough until he couldn’t laugh anymore. Tony hovered over him awkwardly, patting his back.

“Drink that,” he passed him a bottle of Sprite. “I didn’t know if you were nauseous but it’s good to be prepared.”

“I’m good,” croaked Peter, then took a sip and cleared his throat. “Not feeling like eating, but not feeling like throwing up, so.”

“Well, that’s reassuring,” mumbled Tony. “Alright, well, anyway. Treat it as precaution. And I picked out stuff that’s - supposedly - easy on the stomach, so you have to eat some of it or I’m throwing a fit. And Legos. I guess. Do… whatever you do usually with that.”

That successfully got Peter to sit up, still wrapped in blankets and sniffing, but with a tired smile gracing his face.

"Thank you," he reached for snacks with a dopey grin. "You really didn't have to..."

"Well, duh," Tony rolled his eyes, pushing himself off the couch he was leaning against. "The only person who can make me do anything I don't wanna do is Pepper. Starts with a P, too, but that's as far as you get."

Lies.

"You alright here? You good, right? You'll tell F.R.I.D.A.Y. to get me if you need anything, yeah?"

Peter slowly bopped his head affirmative and Tony pretended to observe him to check for anything he might not be telling, in reality simply reluctant himself to leave (but we're not opening this can of worms anytime soon).

"Thanks," mumbled the teen again, stupidly buried under all those blankets, with stupidly messed up head and bleary eyes, and stupidly genuine smile, as if Tony wasn't leaving him there all alone.

"Right," sighed the man, ruffling Peter's hair, therefore messing them up further (cue the tired groan from the blanket burrito).

He left.

"Not a word."

Pepper bit her lips, not particularly worried about listening to her fiancé, but somewhat concerned with keeping quiet to let the teenager on her couch sleep.

She took a deep breath and waltzed into the living room, her heels left at the door. Tony observed her growing smile with a flat look.

"So, you're done with that design you were sure to finish today?" she whispered.

"It's not that important," he muttered.

"I mean, I believe that," she smirked and Tony threw his head back in exasperation, anticipating her next words. "You've had more important things to do today," she pointed with her chin.

Her fiancé shook his head, unimpressed, throwing an arm over his face instead of gracing her with an answer. He immediately froze, though, and carefully peeked under his arm to check that the teenager using him as his personal napping pillow didn't wake up.

"Don't. Just, don't."

Pepper smiled at him sweetly, opening the camera app, knowing full well he couldn't do anything about it.

The Guardian @TheGuardian

Someone noticed Tony Stark's "favorite intern" is 15 while the Stark Industries don't hire anyone under 18 - and we want to know why.

[article link: "Stark's intern isn't an intern - so who is he?"]

E! News @enews

Speculations about Tony Stark's "intern" are growing hot. You won't believe what we found!

[article link: "Stark and his "intern" get exposed"]

BuzzFeed News @BuzzFeedNews

It's official - there's something weird going on with Iron Man and his intern. So we went undercover to snoop and this is what happened.

[article link: "Iron Man's intern is a meme. Here's proof."]