Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[Lil shit - 10:19am]: i forgot i have an essay due. Guess I'll die

[hipster chicken - 10:21am]: ill never forget u

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[Cheeseburger - 11:37am]: give me todays notes or ill shoot you

[Daddy - 11:38am]: u think thats a fucking threat?

[SoftThot - 11:40am]: brian can you be more responsible...like….for once?

[Cheeseburger - 12:56pm]: sorry wut i fell asleep

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[ykbkyh - 12:57pm]: idk...i might just drop out.

[PacSun - 1:00pm]: why? I'll help you study dude. The semester's almost over. Youve got this

[ykbkyh - 1:03pm]: it's hard to even focus in my classes anymore.

[PacSun -1:04pm]: come over. Im serious, ill help you

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[Lil shit - 6:28pm]: failed my exam! :D

[hipster chicken - 6:34pm]: ur a disappointment

[Lil shit - 6:46pm]: vodka will be at home

[Lil shit - 6:46pm]: its fucked up Friday, my dude

[hipster chicken - 6:51pm]: idk how ur body hasnt given out on you tbh

[Lil shit - 6:56pm]: what doesnt kill me poisons my liver

[hipster chicken - 7:01pm]: should i just crash at Sungjin's tonight?

[Lil shit - 7:12pm]: nah u kno u wanna get lit.

[hipster chicken - 7:13pm]: i wanna shoot u

[Lil shit - 7:20pm]: 그래 날 쏴 Bang Bang

[hipster chicken - 7:25pm]: what

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[Sungjin Baby - 7:29pm]: sorry i have to help my friend for his finals so he doesnt ruin his life.

[Jae Baby - 7:32pm]: not to be a jealous bitch but who

[Sungjin Baby - 7:35pm]: Younghyun idk if you've met him

[Jae Baby - 7:40pm]: isnt that the guy everyone one calls brian because he refused to tell anyone his real name our first year?

[Sungjin Baby - 7:42pm]: thats the idiot i grew up with yup

[Jae Baby - 7:45pm]: oh so uve known him longer than me

[Sungjin Baby - 7:48pm]: obviously you jealous moron

[Jae Baby - 7:51pm]: is he single?

[Sungjin Baby - 7:59pm]: yeh but u aint

[Jae Baby - 8:03pm]: stfu i mean for dowoon

[Jae Baby - 8:03pm]: maybe if he finds a dude he can fucking leave the house

[Sungjin Baby - 8:08pm]: uh idk he's on his way here, ill ask when he gets here

-------------

Sungjin throws his phone on the couch beside him. He yawns and looks up as his front door is opened. Younghyun slides his shoes off and throws his backpack across the living room. His head falls backwards as he groans out, crawling slowly into the room.

“Evening fucker.” Younghyun greets him.

“M'lady.” Sungjin nods, tipping an imaginary fedora.

“Let's get this bread I fucking guess?” He grabs the bag from the floor and unzips it, pulling out a torn up notebook. “Alright- I'm almost failing Stats so might as well start there.”

“How the fuck do you almost fail Stats?”

“You don't wake up for your 8am class.”

Sungjin stares at him for a few seconds. “Okay- since you don't believe in alarm clocks, I guess.”

He watches as Younghyun reaches into his pocket, pulling out his wallet. “I'll give you $100 to do all my make up work.”

“Bitch!” Sungjin raises a brow and gives him a crazy look. “You really think that low of me? I'm gonna at least need some rum on top of that.”

Younghyun stands and begins to run to the front door. “I'll be right back then.”

------------

[Snuggles - 8:45pm]: hey uber over here, bitch

[Dondon - 8:49pm]: im not drunk yet..i can just drive. Whats up tho. Want vodka too?

[Snuggles - 8:53pm]: i need help with this stats work and i know you fucking aced that shit your first year so

[Dondon - 8:59pm]: ugh i guess give me like...15 minutes to finish this...project

[Snuggles - 9:02pm]: just say ur having a quickie

[Dondon - 9:13pm]: im studying biology

[Snuggles - 9:15pm]: just hurry up whore

---------

Younghyun walks down the aisle of the liquor store, looking for the cheapest bottle of rum. He picks one off the shelf and walks towards the checkout. A boy runs into the store, shaking snow from his coat. Younghyun looks up at him, catching his glance. The boy smirks and looks Younghyun up and down before walking towards the back. The clerk hands Younghyun his change and his bag but he doesn't leave.

He bites his lip, grabbing the bag and walking to the back of the store. The boy notices him but continues down the aisle, shoving his phone in his pocket. Younghyun feels awkward so he begins to leave. He stops when the boy rounds the corner, standing in front of him.

“What's a pretty boy like you doing alone in a liquor store?” The boy smiles, placing his finger under Younghyun's chin.

“My friend wanted rum.” Younghyun tries to stay cool.

“Can your friend wait a few more minutes?”

“Absolutely.”

The boy pulls Younghyun out of the store by his arm. He leads him across the street to an apartment building. Younghyun’s pulse rises as the boy pushes him against the door and kisses him. The boy blindly opens the door while lifting Younghyun up and carrying him inside. He carries him all the way to his bedroom while biting at his neck. Younghyun is thrown on the bed and the boy crawls on top of him.

------------

Sungjin starts to get annoyed waiting for Younghyun to come back from the store. He sighs and grabs the Stats work. As soon as he starts doing the work, the front door opens. Younghyun stumbles in, biting his lip and clutching the paper bag in his hand. He smiles before flopping down beside Sungjin.

“The fuck do you look so happy about?” Sungjin asks, raising a brow.

“I met a very friendly stranger in the liquor store.” Younghyun throws his head back and lets out an excited moan of sorts.

“Yeah, totally sounds safe and not a way to catch a disease.” He pauses. “By the way, I invited my friend over. He’s usually smart.”

Younghyun chuckles. “Usually?”

“You definitely understand the whole not caring towards the end of the semester thing right? Well, this is Dowoon's last year before he transfers for his Master's.”

“That's totally cool so he's gonna do the work?”

Sungjin shrugs, grabbing the rum from Younghyun. He unscrews the cap and picks up a shot glass that was sitting on the coffee table. It doesn't look dirty, must have just been cleaned..hopefully. He pours a decent amount into the glass and taking way too big of a shot. His face twists as he holds back his gagging. Younghyun grabs the bottle and drinks straight from it, letting out a pained groan and setting it heavily down on the table. Sungjin checks for any texts from Dowoon, growling in annoyance.

Before he finishes, there's a loud knock on the door. Younghyun mocks the rhythm of the knock as Sungjin stands to answer it. He opens the door and loudly greets Dowoon. Dowoon smiles and walks in, leaning down to take his shoes off. He looks up at Younghyun and cocks his head. Younghyun meets his gaze and widens his eyes.

“What's a pretty boy like you doing at my best friend's house?” Dowoon asks, slowly walking over to him.

“You guys know each other?” Sungjin questions while sitting next to Younghyun.

“Uh- sorta.” Younghyun tries to collect himself.

“We met once very recently.” Dowoon sits in the chair and leans back. “So. Stats?”

Sungjin picks up the stack of papers and hands them to him. Dowoon looks through the problems and grabs the pencil from the table. He tells Younghyun to pay attention as he explains the first question. Younghyun tries his best to concentrate, thrown off by the boy's different demeanour from just a moment ago. Suddenly, he is smart and professional, like a teacher. Although, Dowoon does have an issue with mumbling he is otherwise well spoken. He watches Dowoon's hand write on the paper smoothly as he speaks.

“Alright, I think I explained enough of the basics. Think you’ve got it from here?” Dowoon looks up at Younghyun, handing him the pencil.

“Absolutely not, I’m an actual fucking idiot.” Younghyun stares blankly, handing the pencil back.

“It's true. He failed 5th grade art.” Sungjin nods, waving his finger in the air.

“How the fuck?” Dowoon raises a brow.

Younghyun glares at Sungjin and begins to turn red with embarrassment. “I was born a fucking disatser.” He suddenly shrugs it off. “Okay, let me try the second problem.”

He stares at the paper for an ungodly amount of time. Dowoon chuckles at him and Sungjin attempts another shot of rum. They get distracted by his gagging but he turns away as he coughs. Younghyun takes the rum and throws the bottle back. Dowoon is impressed by the way Younghyun handles his liquor. Dowoon's phone goes off so he checks it, staring at his screen for a oddly long time.

“Your boyfriend is a fucking moron, Sungjin.” Dowoon facepalms.

“I never said I claimed that child. He's your roommate.” Sungjin shakes his head. “What'd he do this time?”

“You've got a boyfriend? Dude, how come I've never met him?” Younghyun feels genuinely offended.

“Oh look at that!” Dowoon checks another text. “You're in luck. He wasn't arrested, but he is at the hospital.”

“Jae who?” Sungjin rubs his face and groans, standing up. “Alright, let's get the fucker.” He grabs his keys from the table. “Younghyun, I'll introduce him to you later because it's not gonna be pretty when I see him in a minute.”

-------------------------------------

Jae looks up from his hospital bed, arm in a sling. He smiles and weakly waves at Sungjin and Dowoon as they walk in. Sungjin tries not to glare, feeling a headache creep up, unsure if it's due to Jae or the rum he had earlier.

“I'm just waitin’ on my discharge papers!” Jae shouts out, laughing awkwardly.

“Yeah, you've got a broken arm now, wait until I'm finished with you.” Sungjin rolls his eyes, grabbing Jae's coat from the chair. “Okay, my anger is out. What did you do?”

“Mayhaps I shouldn't try to sled on the stairs on campus.”

“Uh-huh, mayhaps I'm gonna strangle you.”

The three all pack into Sungjin’s car after Jae is discharged.

Dowoon sits in the backseat. He smiles to himself, thinking about that boy. Sungjin’s friend. Jae looks back and notices his stupid smirk on his face and questions him.

“Yo, what you smiling about?” Jae pokes.

“What’s Sungjin’s friend’s name again?” Dowoon asks, biting his lip. “I’d love to properly meet him.”

“You mean fuck him?” Sungjin questions.

“I already did that.”

Sungjin nearly runs off the road at his response. “When the fuck did you do that?”

“Like-” He checks the time. “Two hours ago.”

Sungjin has to pull into a plaza parking lot to process what he just heard. “Wait- oh my god!” He turns around. “ You were the stranger he met at the liquor store?”

Dowoon perks up. “Oh, did he talk about me?”

“I thought he drank the rum but no of course he was just drunk on your dick.”

“Yeah, can I get his name, again? First and last, please?”

“I’m gonna strangle everyone in this car.”

Chapter Text

[KillPil - 4:31am]: fr this time im either gonna kill you or myself

[KingKang - 4:33am]: im begging you pls be me

[KingKang - 4:33am]: wait wut did i do

[KillPil - 4:35am]: idk just bored

[KingKang - 4:36am]: honestly thats fair

[KillPil - 4:37am]: what the fuck go to sleep we have class in the morning. im trying to sleep

[KingKang - 4:38am]: wtf i can literally see you awake rn

---

[SungSIN - 8:12am]: ISTG go to class or ill rip your nipples off

[Kangie - 8:15am]: thats the kinkiest threat ive ever gotten.

[SunSIN - 8:17am]: Fuck you. I'll be there in 2.

Younghyun groans and rolls off his bed, making Wonpil wake up and glare at him. He waves to his roommate before finally getting to his feet and going over to his closet. His eyes graze the clothes inside before he decides to just go in his pajamas. He grabs his coat, phone, and backpack before tugging his shoes on his feet. Wonpil pulls the blanket over his head as Younghyun opens the door.

Sungjin has his head leaning back in the headrest as he waits for Younghyun. He looks to passenger seat, seeing his idiotic boyfriend asleep. Jae's arm is still in a cast. Sungjin chuckles as Jae suddenly snores himself awake. He glares as he wipes the drool from his cheek.

“Why'd you let me fall asleep?” Jae whines.

“My precious baby looked oh so comfortable.” Sungjin replies, making a pinching gesture towards Jae's cheek.

“You make me nauseous.”

The two look up as Younghyun steps out from his dorm. Sungjin points for him to get in the back. He crawls in and smiles to the stranger in the passenger's seat. Jae smiles and waves with his broken arm.

“Oh- you must be Jae, huh?” Younghyun smiles back. “I'm sure you know I'm Younghyun, then.”

“I just assumed you were, to be honest. I've met all of Sungjin's other friends.”

“That's not true. You've never met Wonpil.” Sungjin chimes in. “He's Younghyun's roommate, also a highschool friend.”

“He's still a Sophomore, though.” Younghyun tugs his seatbelt over his chest as Sungjin pulls out of the lot. “Anyway, Jar. It's a pleasure to meet you.”

“J-jar?” Jae stares in confusion.

“Younghyun is a nickname person. Just, get used to it.” Sungjin laughs.

“That's right, daddy.”

Sungjin widens his eyes. “Well, that's a new one.”

----

Dowoon throws his backpack over his shoulder and walks out of the lecture hall. He walks through the building, deciding to take a different staircase. Since it seems his normal route is extra congested and he doesn’t want to be awake any longer today. As he flops down each stair, dramatically, the door from the outside flies open.

A blur of a boy smashes into his shoulder, making them both fall. Dowoon grabs onto the railing to keep him from tumbling down the stairs.

“Son of a bitch!” The boy grabs his shin after it collides with the concrete.

“I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” Dowoon pauses once the boy straightens himself. “Oh-hey, you’re Sungjin’s friend.”

“I’m very late!”

Younghyun lets out another curse under his breath as he bolts up the stairs three at a time. Dowoon stares up at the door as Younghyun throws it open, running down the hall at top speeds.

“The fuck kind of gay fanfic is this?” He whispers to himself as he leaves the building.

Dowoon throws his backpack on the floor as he walks into this apartment. He drags his feets to the kitchen, knowing damn well there isn’t any food in the house. As expected, he is disappointed opening the fridge.

[Dawon - 8:32am]: we need food

[Jaebum - 8:35am]: u need a job

[Jaebum - 8:35am]: and before u say it. no ur foot fetish sugar daddy isnt a job

[Dawon - 8:38am]: wait did you think that was real?

[Dawon - 8:39am]: my mom just has a lot of money

[Jaebum - 8:41am]: wait...youve been rich this whole time?

[Dawon - 8:45am]: no im just an unemployed theft

[Jaebum- 8:52am]: makes more sense

[Dawon - 8:58am]: come home….i need to ramble  

[Jaebum - 9:01am]: sungjins bringing me home now. I sleepy

Dowoon growls and throws his head down against the table. He traces the pattern of the wood while he stares at the wall. He doesn’t understand why he’s letting himself get so distracted by a boy. Finals for this semester are in a week. He needs to focus. But this Younghyun kid wants to rip his heart from his chest, apparently.

He looks up and sets his chin on his arms as the front door is opened. Jae walks in and greets him.

“Morning. Why do you look like a lost puppy?” Jae sits heavily across from him.

“Hi, I’m Yoon Dowoon, nice to meet you.” Dowoon sighs and sits up. “I’m living in a fanfiction.”

“Y/n wasn’t like the other girls.”

“No but for real. I literally ran into Sungjin’s friend today. Like fate and shit.”

“That’s so fucking stupid.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyway, his name is Kang Younghyun and he’s a Business major.” Jae rests his cast up on the table. “Sungjin’s been friends with him since elementary school”

“How old is he? He doesn’t look like he should be a Junior.”

“Uh I don’t know. I assume the same age as Sungjin? I was in the car with him for a solid 2 minutes.”

Dowoon groans and slams his head back down. “I’m gonna drive off a bridge.”

Jae grabs a bag of chips from the center of the table and opens them. “This is so cute.”

-------

Younghyun keeps his head low as he quietly enters the class room. His profressor stops talking and watches the boy tuck into a desk in the back. He mouths an apology before getting his notebook out. He doesn’t write any notes. Instead he thinks about that boy. Dowoon. Sungjin’s friend. He isn’t sure how they haven’t met, since Sungjin throws a party every semester. Maybe Dowoon has gone to them but he never saw him. The party is usually pretty big.

He stares up at the board, feeling his chest tighten. None of this lecture was absorbed. And it was reviews for the final. He grabs his hair and yells out. Everyone jumps and turns to him as he buries his head in his arms.

“Younghyun, are you able to talk after class?” His professor asks.

“Yeah.” He muffles in his sleeve.

The lecture goes on but Younghyun just keeps his head down. He almost doesn’t notice the class dismissing. The professor sits at his desk and waves him over as he lifts his head up. He stands and slowly makes his way over.

“Are you okay, Younghyun? When you actually show up to this class, you seem to have issues focusing. With finals coming up, I want to make sure you’re prepared.”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t get a lot of sleep and I guess I let depression take over.” Younghyun yawns and plays with his sleeve. “And now I’m all boy distracted. It’s a bad combo.”

“Boys aren’t priority, Mr. Kang. I don’t want to see you fail. Have you asked your friend Sungjin for help?”

“Yeah, he’s helped with this class a few times and his friend helps me with stats. But that friend is the boy.”

His professor chuckles and leans forward. “Well, I hope you can figure everything out since finals are 20% of your grade. If you need help, please don’t be afraid to ask me. But not with the boy thing. That’s not my specialty.”

“Thank you, sir.” Younghyun nods and drags his feet out of the classroom.

He pulls his backpack over his shoulder as he walks down the stairs that he ran into Dowoon in. Hopefully Sungjin is already outside because he really doesn’t want to be alone with his thoughts any longer. He sighs in relief as he sees Sungjin’s car sitting across the parking lot.

As soon as he steps off the sidewalk however, he is intercepted by someone extending their arm in front of him. He stops and stumbles back.

“A pretty boy like you needs a number like mine.” Dowoon places a paper in his palm before walking away towards his own car.

Younghyun widens his eyes and nearly chokes as he runs to Sungjin’s car. He throws the door open and tosses his body inside. Sungjin stares up to him with his eyebrows going wild.

“Your friend is going to give me an actual heart attack.” Younghyun yells, holding the paper up. “He gave me his number!?”

“You whipped fuckers.”

“I’m for real gonna commit.”

Sungjin starts his car and begins to pull out of the space. “Funeral are expensive.”

“My mental state is in the dumpster.” He looks at the digits written so prettily on the paper. “Do I text him now?”

“I totally forgot you’ve never dated before.”

“So..”

“No, wait until you get to the dorm.”

Younghyun groans. “I thought we were going to your place? It’s Friday.”

Sungjin stares for a second, almost forgetting what day it is. “Oh, shit. I forgot. Do you have everything?”

Younghyun nods. The two of them planned on going camping for the weekend. It will be nice to get away from everything. Especially Dowoon. He can’t be distracted, right now. If he doesn’t pass his finals, he is royally fucked.

--------

Dowoon finally lets his breath go once he gets in his car. Jae sits in the passenger's seat.

“You know, when I asked Sungjin out, we were just walking into class.” Jae laughs.

“It was that simple?” Dowoon raises a brow, pulling out of the complex.

“Nope. He rejected me four times.”

“And that helps, how?”

Jae shrugs. “But on the fifth time, I tripped on my shoe and fell on my face. Now that I think of it, he might be with me out of pity.”

“Yeah, probably. Have you met you?”

Ding

“Oh fuck.” He checks the text at the next red light.

[New Contact Available - 10:03am]: Hey, it’s Younghyun..

Chapter Text

[KANG - 2:15am]: idk what do you want to learn about me?

[DonDon - 2:17am]: got any kinks?

[KANG - 2:20am]: oh-

[KANG - 2:20am]: jumping right into the important questions

[DonDon -  2:22am]: well..i mean all i really know about you is that you have a pretty high endurance and you're a loud moaner

[KANG - 2:24am]: akajdhd

[KANG - 2:24am]: …

[KANG - 2:24am]: choke me

The water Dowoon is drinking nearly sprays from his nose. He coughs and leans forward, attempting to get a proper breath. Jae reaches over and pats his back as he continues to choke.

“You good?” Jae asks with a slight laugh.

“I have to go have sex real quick.” Dowoon jumps up and grabs his keys.

“Uhh, with who?”

“The boy that just told me to choke him.”

Jae shivers slightly. “This better not be someone I know.” He begins to take a sip of his own drink.

“It's Younghyun.”

Dowoon jumps over to Jae as he promptly spit his drink out, patting his back as well.

“Why don't you learn his favorite color first?”

“Black.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“We've already had sex!”

Jae shakes his head. “No. You had a quickie with a stranger and then you caught feelings for them.”

“He's hot.”

“Big mood.”

Dowoon crosses his arms and glares. “He’s mine.”

“I have a boyfriend.”

Dowoon groans and sits heavily on the ground. He looks back to his phone.

[KANG - 2:30am]: ok..so you dont like that

[DonDon - 2:31am]: i like that too much

[KANG - 2:33am]: oh-

[KANG - 2:34am]: OH

[KANG - 2:34am]: If I wasn't 3 hours away..

[DonDon]: 2:36am]: omg i forgot about the camping trip. that explains why Sungjin sent me a campfire picture.

[KANG - 2:40am]: My phone's gonna die so I'll chat when i get back to the dorm tomorrow night

The two say their goodbyes and Dowoon just stares at the wall. Jae can see the static behind that boy's eyes.

“Yo, go to sleep.” Jae pushes at his shoulder.

“My finals are in 2 days and I haven't studied for shit.” Dowoon buries his head in my palm, groaning loudly. “I can't fail, dude.”

“We'll study tomorrow after Chemistry.”

“Fuck! I forgot my Chemistry assignment!” Dowoon jumps up and begins to run to his room, yelling out to Jae. “When is it due?”

“8am today.”

Dowoon walks back out with his laptop in hand. He throws it on the couch and rips it open.

‘“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Kill me.”

“Hey, wait. Didn't I give you my notes last week for this assignment?”

“Buddy, you expect me to remember what happened a week ago?”

“You fucked a boy on my bed a week ago.”

“W-who?”

“How the fuck would I know? Some stoner. They left their pot on my nightstand. Which no, I will not be giving it back.”

“Ah! I think his name was-uh… I dunno. Wanna smoke, then?”

Jae jumps up from the couch and begins to go to his bedroom. “Thought you'd never ask.”

----

Younghyun sits up on his air mattress and looks over to his friend. Sungjin turns his head and gives a nod to the boy.

“How’d you and Jae start dating?” Younghyun asks, slightly pouting at his own thoughts and frustrations.

“He had been trying to get with me for months and I always rejected him. Don’t get me wrong, I had a huge crush on him but it was just a bad time for me.” Sungjin replies, chuckling a little. “Then one day, he tried to smoothly slide in front of me and tripped on his fucking shoe. His face turned so red with embarrassment and it was the cutest thing.”

“Dude- That’s so fucking gay.”

Sungjin gestures wildly. “Well, sorry mister pansexual prince. I’m gay.”

Younghyun goes quiet for a moment. Sungjin questions his sudden silence. “Maybe I shouldn't date this guy.”

"Why?"

"I don't wanna fuck up his studying. Especially if he's transferring. Which is another thing, why date him if he's leaving?"

"He's transferring- down the road. You know- to the campus 15 minutes away."

"Well fuck. Back to square fucking one."

“Wait- I thought you were dating that girl from your stats class.”

“No! I went to ask her out and then her skinny waisted, blonde girlfriend sat on her lap.”

Sungjin laughs and nearly rolls off his air mattress. “The gays win again.”

Younghyun drops his head back into his pillow and growls out. “Asshole.”

------------------------

“You fucker!” Dowoon throws a glass pipe across the room, denting the wall as it shatters.

Jae runs to the otherside of the room to try to escape his angry friend. “What did I do?”

“I failed Chemistry because we decided to get high and I forgot about my fucking assignment!”

They stare at each other before Jae bursts out in laughter. Dowoon doesn’t find it as funny and chases him around the living room. Jae manages to slip away, running to the kitchen. Dowoon moves the table to the side, making Jae jump onto the counter.

“I’m not above jumping out the window.” Jae attempts to kick Dowoon away.

“Go ahead! Maybe you’ll land on your head and it'll make you smart!” Dowoon pushes at his chest.

“Ouch. I’m smart. Just-stupid.” Jae lowers his defense as Dowoon backs away and grabs his forehead in frustration.

“How do you not forget how to breathe?”

Jae hops down and Dowoon immediately slaps him hard across the face. “Bruh, how the fuck is this my fault?”

“I knew moving in with a pothead was a bad idea.”

“But you’ve had so much fun.”

“I FAILED CHEMISTRY! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?”

“I don’t know! Ask your advisor! I’m just a stupid pothead!”

-----------------

[That Hot Guy- 1:47pm]: I’m actually pretty good at chem if you need someone to help you..

[Looks like a drummer - 1:50pm]: i already failed..

[That Hot Guy - 1:52pm]: but your advisor and prof said you could get credit recovery right?

[Looks like a drummer - 2:01pm]: called again. Yeh….they’ll let me redo the project..

[Looks like a drummer - 2:01pm]: so...u should come over

[That Hot Guy - 2:05]: i have a class in 20 min but text me ur address

“Fuck. Why did I just invite him over??” Dowoon drops his phone on the coffee table before burying his hands in his face.

“I’d say get high to calm your nerves but you broke my pipe.” Jae sits on the floor below him, cleaning his fingernails out.

Dowoon lifts his leg up and kicks his friend in the back of the head. “Oops.” He stands and walks to his room, staring at the dirty clothes thrown all around. “ If you do the laundry and sweep the kitchen, I’ll clean everything else!”

Jae’s head raises from his phone and looks around the messy apartment. “DEAL!”

--------

“Babe, did I ever clean the apartment when you came over?” Jae awkwardly holds his phone up, video chatting with Sungjin as he attempts to sweep the kitchen floor.

“Never, you filthy pig.” Sungin replies, stuffing a piece of pizza in his mouth.

“Oh keep talking dirty to me, daddy.”

“I’m gonna stick that broom up your ass.”

“You know exactly what I want to hear.”

“Is Younghyun coming over or somethin?”

Jae drops the phone as he tries to balance it on top of the broom while he tries to clean under the table. “Uh….yes… and my screen is fucked again.”

“At least something in this relationship is being fucked.” Sungjin smiles as Jae picks the phone back up and glares at him. “I mean-maybe you should come over and give our friends some privacy.”

--------

[Yoon-ie - 3:45pm]: Do I fuck him if he’s actually trying to tutor me?

[Sung-ie - 3:46pm]: let him tutor you first..

Dowoon looks over to Younghyun, who sits beside him on the couch. He is looking over Dowoon’s Chemistry project.

“Younghyun-” Dowoon gets the courage to speak.

“Yeah?” Younghyun’s head pops up and he stares over curiously.

“Uh..thanks for helping me.” He puts his head down, unable to say what he actually wants to.

“I like you, too.”

Dowoon’s body jumps at Younghyun’s words. Younghyun looks back down at the Chemistry papers to hide his blushing. “Oh-uh. Fuck.”

“We can but I’d prefer to finish this first.” He pauses. “And if you’re wondering how I’m staying so calm-it’s all a facade. I’m having an actually meltdown and might cry in your bathroom later.”

“God damn it, you’re my soulmate.”

Younghyun smiles and looks to the floor. He feels Dowoon shuffle closer and holds his breath.

“Oh god- I’m panicking! Uh-PERIODIC TABLE!” Younghyun yells before colliding his hand into his forehead. “Can we just go back to me being a mysterious bad boy and not the stupid man that yells about science when he’s nervous?”

“No. This is cuter.”

“Fuck.”

Chapter Text

"Don't tell me you yelled about science again." Wonpil sits at his desk, looking over to his friend pouting on his bed. 

"Yeah- it wasn't even smart sounding science." Young K sighs. "He called me cute." 

"So, you didn't totally blow it. Did you bang him?" 

Younghyun shakes his head. "No, but we finished his assignment." 

"Hm- maybe sleep it off and I'll buy you a coffee in the morning." 

Younghyun whines out and buries his face in his pillow. “Can you just shoot me instead?” 

Wonpil shakes his head and just quietly goes back to his work. 

-----

"Dowoon! Why didn't you make a move!?" Jae and Sungjin yell over the boy as he pouts on the couch. 

“He yelled science at me and I panicked!” 

“Wut.” Jae stares blankly but the two look over to Sungjin as he snorts. “What? I’m so confused.” 

“Younghyun gets nervous really easily and he yells random shit about science. It’s actually kinda sad if you know why.” Sungjin nods to himself as he explains. “But hearing random Chemistry terms being yelled from a distance is still hilarious.” 

Dowoon rolls his head back into the couch and he whines out. “Is him being nervous a bad thing or should I buy the next plane ticket to Budapest and live my life selling cabbage?” 

Sungjin shrugs making Dowoon yell out in frustration. Jae pats his friend on the leg, not sure how to comfort him. Or if he’s supposed to comfort him at all. Sungjin gets his phone out as he gets a text. 

[Orange - 4:31AM]: Young one is crying again.

[Orange - 4:32AM]: Smth about barium and an exam 

“Fuck!” He jumps up and grabs his backpack that was sitting at this feet, slinging it over his shoulder. “I forgot to help Younghyun study. His exam is at 8.” 

He kisses the top of Jae’s head and runs out of the door, slamming it closed. Dowoon whines and buries his face in a pillow from the couch. 

“You sad, sad-whipped boy.” Jae shakes his head. “I don’t know how you haven’t leapt out a window.” 

“Because I’m starter than you.” 

“Well-” 

Sungjin rushes through the dorms after signing in with the RA. Though he runs through the hall, he stops to make sure the door doesn't slam. 

Wonpil answers his own door after there is a loud knock. He invites Sungjin in before getting ready to sleep. Sungjin looks over to Younghyun who is curled in a ball on his bed and whimpering. 

"Brian-" Sungjin slips his bag off his shoulder. 

"I'm gonna fail, dude. I'm a fucking failure." Younghyun whispers. "My parents were right." 

 Sungjin sighs and walks over, sitting beside Younghyun. He pats his thigh and attempts to smile. “Hey, you’re not a failure. Stop that. You and I are gonna go to my house and study so Wonpil can get some rest.” 

Younghyun sniffles and sits up. “Dude the test is in like 3 hours-I mean at least it’s online but-

“Come to my house, Brian.” 

He stares until Younghyun finally nods. Wonpil rolls his eyes and shakes his head before crawling into his bed. Younghyun grabs his laptop off his bedside table and stuffs it into his backpack. Sungjin grabs his own bag and opens the door. They quietly make their way out of the dorm, stopping for breakfast before going to Sungjin’s place.

---

Younghyun logs into his school account as he curls onto Sungjin’s couch. He growls and reaches into his bag to get his notebook out. His head snaps back towards the hall when he hears a door open. Sungjin also jumps and stares as footsteps get closer towards the living room. 

“Christ, fuck- what are you doing here, dude?” Sungjin’s eyes widen as he tries to calm his heartbeat.

“He needs help with his final right? Stats, yeah?” Dowoon yawns, moving his feet over to the couch. He flops beside Younghyun, who is still staring with his mouth hanging open slightly. Dowoon leans over and pushes the boy’s chin up, shutting his lips together. “I took that class last year with the same professor. He never changes the final.” 

Younghyun blinks and continues to stare at Dowoon, not fully sure he is actually awake. He jumps slightly as Dowoon’s hand touches his thigh. Dowoon scoops his laptop off his legs and sets it on his own. 

“W-Wha-” Younghyun stammers.

“You’re going to pass. Don’t worry.” 

“I-but-”

Dowoon raises a brow. “Or did you want to fail?”

Sungjin jumps forward and laughs. “Dude how the fuck did you get into my house?”

“Jae’s key. Obviously.” He replies simply before looking back to Younghyun. “Well?” 

Younghyun stutters a few more times before just gesturing towards Dowoon. “I- uh-fuck man, go ahead.” He still isn’t sure he is actually awake because there is no way this is happening. “Don’t you have any finals today?”

“Nope, mine were all last week. I submitted to transfer yesterday.” Dowoon scrolls down to find the final exam so it can be loaded up. He turns to Younghyun and smiles warmly. “You got anymore tests today?” Younghyun shakes his head. Dowoon moves the pillow that supported his right side and sets it against the left side of his body. “Go to sleep. Don’t worry. You look really tired.” 

Younghyun blinks hard, trying to wipe his tiredness away but fails. He hesitates to rest his head on the pillow but as soon as it touches his body relaxes. He thinks he hears Dowoon chuckle but can't be sure with his eyes closed. 

"You should sleep, too." Dowoon whispers to Sungjin, who is curled in his arm chair with his knees to his chest. 

"No way. I don't wanna walk out here to see you two banging." Sungjin scoffs and shakes his head dramatically. 

Dowoon points to the boy softly snoring against his leg. "Doubt that would happen." 

Sungjin finally agrees, dragging his feet out of the living room. He barely makes it to his bedroom before passing out. 

Dowoon checks the time so he doesn't miss the test opening. He has about 15 more minutes left. His lips twitch as he looks at Younghyun. The boy seems so peaceful. So soft and relaxed. Something Dowoon can't wait to feel again once summer break officially starts.

He can't seem to look away from Younghyun. It's almost like he's under a spell. He slowly lifts his left arm, stopping to make sure Younghyun doesn't wake up. His hand trembles as he softly places it against his cheek. A strange fluttery feeling happens in his stomach. Almost like anxiety but...nice. Younghyun's cheek is warm and calming. 

His eyes flicker over to the clock once more to make sure the time hasn't passed. He can feel his heart pounding against his chest and fears it's loud enough to wake Younghyun. His thumb rubs lightly over the boy's skin. He chuckles quietly at the amount of stubble, reminding himself that it's probably time for a shave as well. His palm starts to sweat slightly but he doesn't want to pull away. No, instead, he leans closer. He holds his breath, staring at Younghyun's peaceful slumber. A flip in his heart forces him to inhale sharply through his nose. 

He carefully pulls Younghyun's chin up and closes his eyes. His body trembles as he presses his chapped lips softly against Younghyun's. A surge of electricity rushes through every inch of his body. He slowly moves away, not wanting to open his eyes. 

Once he does, Younghyun still lies there quietly. Dowoon releases a shaky sigh before refreshing the test page and kicking on the now live link to the final. 

Younghyun holds his breath as he tries not to panic. Did that just happen? Dowoon kissed me..am I dreaming? Why was is so different from the day we met? I felt a spark..I didn't tic.. He whimpers and turns to his side, burying his face in the back of the couch. 

Dowoon looks down at him to make sure he's okay before going back to the test. 

Younghyun stretches awake before sitting up in a panic. He looks around the empty living room, down at his closed laptop sitting on the coffee table. 

"Fuck!" He kicks off the couch and runs full speed down the hall to Sungjin's room. 

Sungjin looks up from his phone and nods to Younghyun. "Good afternoon, fuckhead." 

"My final- I feel asleep-" He grabs his hair and whines out. "Son of a b-" 

"Dowoon took care of it." Sungjin stops the boy from having a full scientific breakdown. 

Younghyun freezes. That wasn't a dream. Any of it. Dowoon really took his final for him. He-really kissed me like that.. Younghyun rushes back to the living room and grabs his laptop after diving into the couch. 

Sungjin meets him and sits to his side. He watches the boy log into his student portal. The page always takes forever to load, causing Younghyun more anxiety. 

He grabs Sungjins arm and whines. "In order to form a scientific theory, you need at least one fact." 

"Yes, buddy, I know." He pats his friend's hand before removing it from his arm. 

Younghyun’s entire body shakes as he waits for his grade to load. He widens his eyes and throws himself back into the couch. Sungjin leans over and looks at the screen. Dowoon was right. He was going to pass. “It’s not a perfect score but that just makes it less suspicious.” 

“See, I knew you could pass.” 

“Holy shit.” 

Sungjin stands and stretches. “Now-let’s get this place ready for the party!” 

Younghyun suddenly turns pale. He forgot about the party. Dowoon will definitely be there. He will definitely be drunk. And hopefully he will kiss me like he did last night…

Chapter Text

Wonpil pushes a cart down the snack aisle of the store while Younghyun sits in the basket with his legs folded against his chest. He looks up to his friend as he throws a bag of chips at him. 

"Did Sungjin need us to bring anything specific?" Wonpil asks, accidentally crashing the cart into the shelf. 

Younghyun glares up to him. "Just snacks and whatever drinks we wanted." 

"Alcoholic or like soda?" 

"Yes." 

Wonpil pushes onwards to find the alcohol section while Younghyun plays with his keychain. “Is that guy gonna be there?” He stops the cart to fill it with more snacks and bury his friend. 

“Which guy?”

“Damien?” 

Younghyun’s heart flips in his chest. “Dowoon?” He attempts to gracefully hop out of the basket, falling into the shelf as his shoe gets caught on the metal.. 

“Yeah, that one.” 

“Oh don’t worry, I’m fine.” He straightens himself, smoothing his clothes out. “Uh-yeah maybe.”

Wonpil grabs a random 6-pack of hard cider with one hand and a case of beer with the other. “Are you finally gonna make your move on him or what?” 

Younghyun thinks for a moment, he hasn’t had much time to think about if he wants to be in a relationship. What if Dowoon doesn’t want one? But why would he kiss me? “I don’t know.”

--------

“Is Dowoon not coming, tonight?” Sungjin crosses his arms in annoyance as Jae walks into his house alone. 

Jae shrugs as he places a few bags of cups and plates on the coffee table. “He wasn’t sure, yet. He’s still kinda upset about his dissertation. His professor kinda tore him apart on it.” 

“Well that sucks.” 

“At least I’m here!” 

“Oh yeah, I forgot you were here.” 

Jae glares and looks around. “Bitch, I’m the only one!” 

The two grab the bags and walk to the kitchen to set things up before anyone shows up. Sungjin lines pizza boxes across the counter while Jae stacks the cups on the table. There is a knock on the door and Jae offers to answer it. 

He smiles as he looks at the two boys standing in the doorway. One is definitely familiar but the other is a complete stranger. The two walk in. Younghyun yells for his best friend while Wonpil follows behind. 

“Yo, Park. We got the stuff.” Younghyun smiles as he greets Sungjin. 

“Did you know the price of beer went up? You’re buying this shit next year.” Wonpil complains. 

Sungjin takes the bags and places the drink in the fridge. “I didn’t tell you to get the most expensive beer, you dumb fuck.” He looks to the doorway and notices his boyfriend being particularly more awkward than normal. “Oh, babe. This is Wonpil. My friend from high school I was telling you about.” 

“Nice to meet you. I’m his boyfriend.” Jae blinks. “Uh, Jae.”

[Young Kang - 6:52pm]: hey you coming tonight? 

[Yoon Bro - 6:59pm]: idk yet..are you? 

[Young Kang - 7:02pm]: yeah, im at sungjins now

[Yoon Bro - 7:03pm]: oh..

[Yoon Bro - 7:04pm]: maybe i should come..

“Who are you texting?” Sungjin stares at Younghyun as his face is stuck in his phone. 

Younghyun clears his throat and blushes slightly. “Oh- uh Dowoon. I was seeing if he was coming.” 

“Did he give you an answer?” Jae crosses his arms and sits at the kitchen table. 

“He said maybe.” Younghyun feels his stomach twist. He isn’t sure why he feels nervous, Dowoon might not even show up. 

-----

Within the next 2 hours, the house fills up with people. Many of them strangers to Younghyun and Wonpil considering they barely leave their dorm. Eventually, Wonpil finds a group of friends from his History class and flocks to them. Sungjin sits on his couch with Jae perched on his lap. Younghyun leans against the wall of the back hallway to get away from the crowd a bit. 

His heart rate spikes as his anxiety starts to get the better of him. He attempts to suppress it by chugging the rest of his drink in one quick chug. There is slight dread that fills him when he realizes he has to go back to the kitchen for a new drink. 

No one pays attention to him as he makes his way over to the kitchen. He stops when he sees Wonpil, giving him a look that pleads for him to follow him. Wonpil instantly leaves his group and wades through the crowd to get to his friend. 

He reaches the kitchen and sees Younghyun leaning over the counter, knuckles turning white from clutching the marble too tightly. 

“Hey, are you good?” Wonpil places his hand on Younghyun’s back. “Do you need to go back to the dorm? I can still drive.” 

“Can you come outside with me?” He takes a deep breath as his body wells up with emotions. 

“Yeah.” Wonpil sets his drink on the counter and walks Younghyun to the back door. He is surprised when Younghyun lowers himself to the ground and starts to cry. 

“Hey-Younghyun,” he drops down, sitting in front of him and resting his hands on his shoulders. “What’s wrong? Were you overwhelmed by the crowd?” 

Younghyun sniffles, wiping his tears away with his sleeve. “Yeah. I guess.” He scoffs at himself, feeling his under-eyes burn from wiping his tears away once more. “I’m okay-” He’s cut off by crying, burying his face in his hands. 

He doesn’t look up, feeling a hand rub softly against his back. “It’s okay, Younghyun. I’m here for you.” His head perks up as those words definitely didn’t come from Wonpil. His eyes meet with the owner of the voice and his chest aches. Dowoon smiles down to him, sitting on his knees. “Are you okay?” 

Younghyun attempts to speak but lets out a whimper instead. 

Dowoon looks to Wonpil and signals that he will take over. Wonpil watches him stand Younghyun up and wrap his arm around his shoulders. He leads him to the end of the yard towards the fence. Younghyun calms himself enough to clear his throat. 

“What-are you doing?” Younghyun asks, feeling his body heat up with embarrassment. 

“We’re going to my car so you can hide for a bit.” Dowoon stops and stares at his feet. “If you’re okay with that.”  

"Yeah.." He sighs. "I need to get out of here for a minute." They continue until they reach Dowoon's car. Younghyun feels awkward sitting in such a nice vehicle wearing his dirty clothes and now muddy shoes. "I'm sorry, I'm not usually like this." 

The corner of Dowoon's lip twitches up as he starts the car, turning the heat on. "It's okay, it wouldn't change anything, even if it was." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I knew you weren't asleep." Dowoon grips his steering wheel, feeling his palms sweat slightly along with his pulse going crazy. 

"Wha-" he's cut off by Dowoon quickly leaning over, grabbing his cheek and pressing his lips hard against his own. His eyes close and he digs his nails into his thighs. 

Dowoon pulls away, keeping his face close, his thumb softly caressing Younghyun's skin. "You weren't asleep." 

Younghyun suddenly understands and widens his eyes. His mouth hangs open slightly but it's quickly closed by Dowoon's lips colliding his again. He feels his shoulders ease despite feeling like he's going to scream from stress. A whimper leaves the back of his throat and Dowoon begins to pull off. Younghyun grabs his collar and keeps him plastered to him. Dowoon slips his hand into Younghyun's hair, carefully twisting his fingers around it. His other hand rests on his chest. 

Dowoon pushes Younghyun's jacket from his shoulder before running his hand down his torso. Younghyun twitches as he feels him claw at his thigh. He tugs at Dowoon's coat as Dowoon scrapes his tongue against his top lip.  

Younghyun pulls away and Dowoon sits back, feeling like he somehow did something wrong. 

"Sorry-" Younghyun picks at the skin around his thumb while feeling his body tremble. 

"Did I move too fast?" Dowoon stares with glossy eyes, hoping that he didn't ruin his chances. 

"No-no- I just...I don't want a relationship based on lust." 

"Good." His head pops up hearing Dowoon chuckle. "I don't either." He quickly puts his car in reverse and backs out of his makeshift parking spot. 

"Where are we going?" 

"I want to take you to the river so we can talk." 

Younghyun laughs and Dowoon smiles, questioning him. "If this is your ploy to murder me, I have to warn you that I have a weapon." 

Dowoon's eyes widen and he shakes his head in disbelief and laughs. "I'm definitely not murdering you!" He pauses. "Why do you have a weapon??" 

"Wonpil and I have to walk around town." 

"You don't need to anymore. You or your friend, just text me if you need something. I live like 5 minutes from campus." 

Younghyun feels his cheeks burn slightly and he buries them in his hands. "You're too kind." 

"My mom taught me to be nice, despite being the stereotypical rich woman you see in movies." 

"My dad taught me science and now I'm a business major to spite him. No manners in my family, just survival." He scoffs, wishing he didn't bring his past up even just a little bit. "If you couldn't tell, I'm a fucking mess. I grew up with nothing. Sungjin helped me a lot. I'd stay with him every night just to eat and have clean clothes. His mom basically adopted me. I never really understood why my dad stressed the importance of education over even just feeding us." He clenches his jaw. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make things dark." 

Dowoon reaches his hand over, laying it softly on Younghyun's thigh. "Don't apologize, it's okay. I'm glad you made it out." 

Younghyun's lip twitches but he stares at Dowoon's hand, half calming him and half causing him to freak out in his head. "I open up too easily." 

"Younghyun," Dowoon pulls into the small parking lot at the river, turning his car off and shoving the keys in his pocket, "I want you to be able to open up to me. I want to be the person you come to when you're sad and need to get things off your chest. I want to be there for you." 

"Why-" he closes his eyes, feeling Dowoon take his hand. "Please don't say things like that." 

"I bet a lot of people hurt you, but I'm not like that. I'm not fake." His chest pounds and aches, afraid that Younghyun will reject him. "Will you let me be there for you?" 

"You don't even really know me." 

"I have plenty of time to learn more about you." He takes a deep breath after realizing he was actually breathing. "I want to know everything about you. I don't know why I've fallen for you so hard either but damn it I really don't want to let it go." 

"I haven't slept in 4 days and I think I'm going to throw up." His trembling has turned into full anxious shaking and despite trying to hide it, he can see the concern in Dowoon's eyes. "Sorry." 

"Can I be truthful for a second?" He looks to Younghyun who hesitates but eventually nods. "I'm scared that I'll wake up to news that you hurt yourself and that breaks my heart." His fingers lace between Younghyun's. "The thought of losing something that actually makes me happy scares the shit out of me, too." 

"If I can be honest, you're lucky you showed up when you did." He digs in his pocket, pulling the small knife out and placing it in Dowoon's palm. "It's never been used but it almost became my best friend." 

Dowoon closes his hand and places the knife in his own pocket. He forces a smile, attempting to hide himself tearing up. "Why-" His voice shakes as he attempts to get his words out. 

"I'm tired." 

Dowoon lifts the middle console up and looks to Younghyun who stares with his eyes half open. He takes his coat off and bunches it up on his lap. His fingers press the button to start the engine back up. 

"Lie down. I want you to relax." He blinks slowly, knowing that despite Younghyun being physically tired that it isn't what he meant. "I'll take care of you." He smiles softly. "I promise." 

Chapter Text

[Sun Gjin - 12:42pm]: did you make it back alive? 

[Young man - 1:03pm]: sadly

Younghyun rolls over onto his back and stares at the ceiling. He wishes more than anything he wasn't at the dorm or laying on this sad excuse for a mattress. Only 2 more days before he leaves for winter break. His shoulders and back crack as he sits up straight. He looks over to see his roommate face down in his pillow, snoring softly. Wonpil had stayed up late until Younghyun got back. 

He slowly peaks his head up and coughs as Younghyun gets out of bed. 

"Sorry didn't mean to wake you up." Younghyun stretches before reaching for his clean clothes basket. 

"Are you okay?" Wonpil wipes the drool from his cheek and blinks, feeling his intense headache hold behind his eyes. 

"Yeah, just going for some air." 

Wonpil nods and quickly shoves his head back into his pillow. Younghyun lets out a quiet sigh as he strips out the clothes from the party. His heart skips a beat when he doesn't feel his pocket knife. Then he remembers. Dowoon has it. 

He pulls his coat on over his shoulders and stuffs his pockets with the essentials like his dorm key and wallet and his phone. His hood covers his face, protecting him from the harsh winter winds. It's definitely colder today than it was last night. Younghyun thinks that the only good thing about December is his birthday and the end of the semester. He walks across the campus and waits for a car to pass before crossing the street. It just starts to snow as he reaches the sidewalk and now he really regrets leaving the dorm. But he needs to walk to clear head. To stop thinking about Dowoon. 

-------

"No, I did not fail my dissertation." Dowoon buries his face in his hands and rubs his eyes. "Because I'm not getting my fucking PhD. I failed my revisions for an essay and took the C instead." 

"Oh. Well-don't expect me to understand anything about college." Jae scratches the back of his head, still feeling a bit ill from his hangover. 

"I truly, I mean this with zero respect, I truly don't know how you're a fucking senior." 

"I'm a Poli Sci major." 

Dowoon lets out a mixture of a sigh and an annoyed groan. "That's not even an easy major!" 

"Says the Chemistry major with a minor in Forensics." Jae crosses his arms and pouts.

Dowoon laughs. "Are you jealous, dude?" 

"I don't get jealous." 

"And I'm straight." He grabs his water and his phone, opening his music app. "Anyway, my mom's coming over tomorrow to bring some food for College Christmas." Jae stares at him as if he's supposed to know what to do. "That means get off your lazy ass and help me clean our disaster of a place. She will beat both of us if she even smells trash." 

"Your mom is always my inspiration to not get high." 

"Your her inspiration to drink." 

The two stand, Jae feeling every bone in his body crack. "Aww, she still thinks of me!" 

"Just remember that I know multiple different ways to kill a man." Dowoon rolls his eyes while carrying a pile of dirty plates into the kitchen. "And clean up the crime scene."

Jae stretches and begins to gather his papers and notebooks that were scattered across the coffee table. He takes them to his room and tosses them on his bed. Dowoon sneaks behind him and he jumps when he feels a hand on his shoulder. 

"She's gonna look at your room too, by the way." Dowoon whispers in his ear, making him shudder. 

"Don't be weird, pretty boy." 

Dowoon's face stays flat of emotions as his hand collides with what should be Jae's ass. "Eat some fucking protein." 

The two stare at each other when they hear a knock on the door. At first they assume it's for the neighbor because it's so soft. Dowoon walks towards the front door and looks through the peephole. 

"Younghyun, are you okay?" He stares at the shivering boy with red cheeks and invites him inside.

"I don't know." Younghyun slides his shoes off but keeps his coat on. "I'm kinda panicked right now." 

"Why? What happened?" Dowoon leads him to the couch and sits him down. 

"I have to go home tomorrow and I just don't think I can face my father. Especially because I failed comms. I can't do this, I waited too long to submit to stay in the dorm and now I'm fucked. I can't go with Wonpil because there's no room at his place." 

Dowoon places a hand on Younghyun's shoulder and he stops. "Hey, it's okay. You can crash on my couch until you figure it out. What about Sungjin?" 

"I've stayed at his house so many times. I don't want to feel like I'm using him." 

"He's been your friend for this long and has been there for you so many times. He's not going to abandon you just because you need to live somewhere until you come back from break." 

Jae walks from his room, carrying a bag of trash and setting it by the door. "Plus, if he did that, I would beat his ass."

Dowoon turns and looks at him with a brow raised. "You'd break in half if you slapped him." 

"You're lucky your mom's coming or I'd punch you." 

"Again. I know how to get away with murder." He looks back to Younghyun and laughs, easing Younghyun's shoulders slightly. "You can stay here if you can deal with us being assholes to each other. Also my mom is coming over to bring us what we call College Christmas. Basically she fills the pantry and fridge with food then makes a big feast." 

Younghyun's stomach growls just thinking about all that food. He spent the last of his school credit at the campus convenience store last week and has been living off cookies, chips, and coke. "Damn. That sounds amazing. You're lucky. I don't even know the last time I had a real meal." 

"Well, you can look forward to your next, instead." Dowoon stands and grabs a blanket from the back of the couch. He drapes it over Younghyun's body. "You get warm and relax. Jae and I are gonna clean up a bit." 

Dowoon gives a soft smile before patting Younghyun on the back. He stands and walks to his bedroom. Younghyun sighs and just stares into space, his mind going blank from too much stress. He barely notices the tall and skinny boy sitting on the coffee table in front of him. 

Jae waves his hand in front of Younghyun's face, pulling away when the younger boy jumps. "Hey, if you need to stay here, it's no problem. I can talk to Sungjin first though, if you want." He frowns at Younghyun's shaking. "Do you want me to turn the heat up for you?" 

"If you want. I'm used to the cold, the dorm doesn't have heat." Younghyun replies through shivering teeth. 

"Boy you look like you're about to explode you're shaking so hard."

Younghyun sniffles and attempts to calm his body. "It's partially anxiety." 

"Try to relax here, dude. We aren't going to kick you out. I know we don't really know each other well but-" he places his hand on Younghyun's shoulder, "I'm here for you, too." 

"Thanks." Jae smiles as Younghyun's lip twitches up. "It means a lot to me." 

"But fair warning, if you don't wear clean clothes around Dowoon's mom, she will drop kick you." 

Younghyun snorts out as Jae hears Dowoon run through the hallway. 

"SHE WILL NOT." Dowoon now stands in the living room, giving Jae a look like he is insane. "She will throat punch you." 

The two watch as Younghyun laughs louder, seeing his shoulders ease. He wipes the tears from his eyes and wraps the blanket over his body even more. 

"If you guys need help-" Younghyun begins to speak.

"No! Sit!" The two say at the same time, causing a very awkward silence. 

It is followed by the three laughing. Jae goes to his room and Dowoon walks into the kitchen. Younghyun can hear the sink running as Dowoon begins to do the dishes. 

Dowoon plugs his phone into his charger and connects the Bluetooth speaker to his phone. He scrolls through Spotify trying to find his cleaning the house playlist. 

Younghyun stares at the doorway, deep in thought. He pulls his phone out and blindly opens his messaging app with his thumb. 

[Younghhhh - 2:45pm]: dowoon is gonna ask if i can stay with u. Say no!! 

[SungPaRK - 2:47pm]: wat why

----

[Donkey Kong - 2:52]: Hey, Younghyun needs a place to stay but he’s afraid to ask anyone. Tell him that he can’t stay with you. 

[Spark - 2:55pm]: ok?

----

[SungPaRK- 2:55pm]: ohhhhhhhh 

---------------

Dowoon goes back to doing dishes and pretends not to hear the floorboards creak behind him. He can hear Jae through the wall, cleaning his room for once so he knows it’s not him. The steps get quieter as they get closer. Dowoon turns around, holding his wet hands in the air, feeling hands slide around his waist. 

His lip twitches up, seeing Younghyun stand in front of him with glossy eyes. Younghyun’s hand slides up Dowoon’s torso and travels to his neck. He pulls Dowoon closer and they both close their eyes. Their lips press together and despite having soap all over his hands, Dowoon grabs Younghyun’s hips and pushes his body against his own. 

They don’t let off, getting heavier. Dowoon squeezes Younghyun’s hips and grinds his own up. He bites at Younghyun’s lip and the older stops. Younghyun opens his eyes and stares at Dowoon, who leans back in to steal another kiss. Dowoon’s hand moves to cup Younghyun’s cheek. He feels a pain in his chest as Younghyun leans into it as if he has never been touched so softly. 

“I want you to relax while you’re with me.” Dowoon rests his forehead against Younghyun’s. 

“How can I relax when you make me feel things I’ve never felt before?” Younghyun’s voice is soft but close to breaking. 

“I’ll help you through it.” He smiles. “But for now, why don’t you take a nap in my room while we clean? I’ll wake you up for dinner.” 

---------

[pill - 3:12pm]: u alive?

[chaotic neutral - 3:19pm]: yeah im gonna crash at dowoon’s tonight and get my stuff in the morning. Can you drop off my charger and a change of clothes?

[pill - 3:24pm]: yeh. Also you best be back to tell me bye, you fuck. 

[choatic neutral - 3:30pm]: i promise babydoll :*

---------

Younghyun tosses his phone to his side and stares at the ceiling. It feels odd being Dowoon’s room all alone. Almost like he shouldn’t be there. But Younghyun’s so tired that he pushes that feeling to the side. He nuzzles his face in a pillow and closes his eyes, snoring within a minute. 

Jae walks out to the kitchen, carrying a full garbage bag. He sets it by the back door and looks to Dowoon, who is concentrating on the dishes. As he walks over, he notices something on the counter. 

“What’s this for?” Jae questions, holding the item in the air. 

Dowoon looks over and nods. “It’s Younghyun’s knife. He left it in my car.” 

“Oh, he’s one of those people.” 

Dowoon turns and glares, biting at Jae. “What the fuck do you mean?” 

Jae sets the pocket knife down and puts his hands up. “Chill. Like, people that carry knives even in safe areas. What did you think I meant?” He suddenly understands and looks to the floor. “Oh, does he-” 

“No. It’s no one’s business if he does.” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to piss you off.” 

Jae grabs the bag and walks out, taking the trash to the dumpster. He feels bad asking Dowoon about Younghyun. Dowoon is right, it’s not his business, but he is just concerned about his new friend. If Younghyun is hurting himself, then he wants to be able to help. But it’s up to Younghyun to tell him. 

He walks back in and quietly leaves the kitchen, not wanting Dowoon to yell at him. Younghyun looks up as the bedroom door opens. He stares at the blurry figure, blinking a few times to adjust his vision. 

“Hey, sorry to wake you.” Jae stands awkwardly in the doorway. “I was curious- Do you smoke?”

“Is Sungjin here?” 

“No?” 

Younghyun smiles. “Then yes.” 

He crawls out of bed and follows Jae down the hall to his own room. Jae tells him to come in and sit. Younghyun awkwardly follows directions as Jae pulls a cigar box from his bedside table. Jae carefully packs a bowl, in his new and stronger pipe. 

He looks up and smiles to Younghyun, handing the piece over. “Go ahead.” 

“I don’t take green hit.” Younghyun pushes Jae’s hand away. “Packer gets green hit.” 

Jae laughs and grabs a lighter from the box. “I like your rules.” He takes his hit and passes it, watching Younghyun take his turn. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Shoot.” 

“Have you ever wanted to run away?” 

Younghyun scoffs and cracks a soft smile. “Too many times to count.” He looks up to Jae. “Have you?” 

“I already did.” He continues after Younghyun tilts his head in confusion. “My parents disowned me and my sister at 17 and 15 because they were crazy. She moved in with our aunt but I decided to run away. I slept outside the airport, trianhopped, and eventually ended up here. Since I had my diploma, I figured I would try college.” He pauses but keeps going, seeing Younghyun listening to his story intently. “My parents wouldn’t find me here and it would definitely be the last place they’d look. I met Dowoon in one of my classes. He took me under his wing and his mom bought us this apartment so he could take care of me. I owe my life to him and his family.” 

“I’m afraid that his niceness will get him hurt someday.” Younghyun shakes his head. “I wish I wasn’t afraid of running away. Then I wouldn’t have done so much stupid shit as a teen.” He sighs, taking another hit of the bowl. “Did you ever lose impulse control?” 

“In what way?” 

“Drugs, sex, stealing?” 

Jae laughs. “Of course, I did. I stole food for a year to survive. I didn’t have sex until I met Sungjin.” Younghyun groans, not expecting to hear about his best friend’s sex life. “Drugs-that’s how I was able to go without food for longer periods of time. Looking back, I’m not proud of that, but we all have to fall to our rock-bottom at some point.” He sighs. “What about you?” 

Younghyun sets the bowl on the bed and scratches at his face. “I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of either. When I was younger, I stole to survive but after I met Sungjin and things got better, I stole for the thrill. But..I met a shitty group of people when I got to college. They got me hooked on a bunch of stupid shit.” 

“Are you better, now?” 

“After Sungjin found my stash and rightfully beat the shit out of me, yeah. It’s been a year and despite feeling sick every once and awhile and slipping twice, I’m so glad he stopped me.” His cheek twitches as he clenches his jaw. “And I don’t want to disappoint Dowoon with my recent past.” 

Dowoon stares at the door of Jae’s bedroom. His stomach twists after listening to the two speak. He never realized he meant so much to Jae and that Younghyun has been struggling this much. 

The two look up as there is a soft knock on the door. Dowoon apologizes, waving smoke away from his face as Jae blows it at him. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” Dowoon forces a smile. “Jae, your package came.” 

Jae thanks him and leaves to retrieve his gift. Dowoon walks in, sitting on the bed beside Younghyun. He puts the pot and bowl away, setting the box on the table. 

"I guess Sungjin and I have a lot more in common than I thought. I wonder why he never talked about you." Dowoon stares at the pattern of Jae's blanket, afraid to make eye contact with Younghyun. 

"I have more in common with Jae than I thought. I'm more upset Sungjin never told me about him." Younghyun scrunches his nose. "But it looks like we both found really great people." 

"I still mean it when I say I'll help you." He grabs Younghyun's hand. "I'm here for you and I don't want to see you hurting." 

"I don't want to disappoint you. I'm a bad person." 

Dowoon frowns and feels a lump form in his throat. "You're an amazing person and it takes a lot to disappoint me. But you have to promise me you'll stay on track or at least try.” 

Younghyun lowers his head. “I will.” 

-----------

[Wombat - 5:45pm] - give car plz?

[My only Sungshine - 5:50pm]: you have legs? 

[Wombat - 5:52]: too many errands 

[My only Sungshine - 6:00pm]: walk over. I’m making dinner 

[Wombat - 6:02pm]: many kisses 

[My only Sungshine - 6:07pm]: stfu 

------------

Jae and Younghyun sit at the table in the kitchen as Dowoon cooks dinner. The two sit quietly, enjoying their high and impatiently waiting for their food. Younghyun is excited to eat real meals after so long. Even when he had money on his campus card, he mostly spent it on drinks and laundry. 

They get excited as Dowoon turns the stove off and begins to grab plates from the cabinet. Younghyun stands but Dowoon tells him that he will serve the food. He nods and sits back down, feeling his stomach growl. 

He stares at the large plate of food as it’s set in front of him. One by one, Dowoon sets up side dishes around the table. He takes a seat across from Jae and waits. 

“How old are you?” Dowoon looks to Younghyun. 

Younghyun laughs, remembering that they’ve never spoken about their ages. “25 but my birthday is next week.” 

“Yes!” Jae yells before grabbing a fork and stabbing at the steak on his plate. 

“Wait, how old are you?” Younghyun questions Jae. “And you, Dowoon?” 

“27, dude.” Jae replies, covering his mouth to keep from spitting food everywhere. “I win.” 

“Such a graceful hyung.” Dowoon rolls his eyes. “I’m 24. Usually,we don’t care about that stuff but we practice being respectful about a week before my mom comes to town.” Younghyun nods and begins to eat, Dowoon following. “Hey- Younghyun, you like to drink. Wanna play never have I ever?” 

“I love a challenge.” Younghyun smirks. “And free alcohol.”

“And I like learning about you.” 

“Can we save the sappy shit for after our food digests?” Jae interrupts. 

------

"Never have I ever-" Jae pauses to think of something good, "had a threesome." He stares wide eyed as both Younghyun and Dowoon take a shot. "I ain't digging deeper into that."

"Never have I ever been hit by a car." Dowoon raises his brow as Jae takes a shot. "You good, bro?" Jae nods, holding up his thumb. 

"Never have I ever found someone's parent hot." Younghyun laughs as Jae takes another shot. "Really??"

"You'll see tomorrow." Jae sprays coke across the table in an attempt not to laugh.

"What the fuck, dude???" Dowoon yells, throwing a handful of pub mix at his roommate. 

"I said what I said." He hides his face in the can. "Never have I ever fucked a stranger that I met at the liquor store." 

The two glare and cause a commotion. "Aww come on! That's a set up!" They take their shots.

Chapter Text

Younghyun jumps and rolls off the couch when the front door of Dowoon's apartment opens. He runs down the hall, locking himself in the bathroom. 

Dowoon walks out of his room and stares down the hall to the door. He sees his mother smiling at him. She holds her arms out for a hug and Dowoon runs over to her, colliding into her. 

"I knew you missed me." She hugs him tightly, kissing the top of his head. "Who was that, sleeping on your couch?" 

Dowoon pulls away and feels his cheeks burn slightly with embarrassment. "Oh-uh- that was..Jae." 

"Sweetheart, you better not lie to me. I can go look for myself." 

She begins to walk down the hall towards the bathroom. Dowoon stands awkwardly, feeling sweat bead on his skin. 

Younghyun curses and jumps away from the door. There is a soft knock from the otherside. He holds his breath as his stomach twists. This feels like back when he secretly stayed at a girls house his senior year of high school. Her parents came home early and he had to hide in her closet for an hour. It gives him a slight rush but he also wants to puke. 

"Sweetheart, come out. There's nothing to be afraid of." The woman says sweetly. 

The door behind her opens and Jae stumbles into the hall. He meets eyes with Dowoon's mom and stops. "Fuuck." He quickly closes the door. 

"Mom, why don't you go sit down? You've had a long trip" Dowoon stumbles over and tugs at his mother's sleeve. 

"Babydoll, what are you hiding from me?" 

"Mom-" 

The two turn as the bathroom door opens. Younghyun awkwardly steps forward and slowly bows politely to the women. 

"Hello, Mrs. Yoon, my name is Kang Younghyun. Nice to meet you." He holds a shaky hand out, hoping it isn't too sweaty as she softly takes it.

"My pleasure, Younghyun. You look very clean and you're very polite." 

Younghyun straightens himself and clears his throat. "Oh- thank you, ma'am." 

"Don't be nervous, honey." She smiles and turns to her son. "Dowoon, is there something you need to tell me?" 

Dowoon bites the inside of his lip before twitching a smile. "I bought the wine you liked." 

"Dowoon?" 

"I have a new boyfriend." He releases all the air in his lungs and feels his body stiffen. His eyes flash over to Younghyun who is trying to hide his blushing. 

Younghyun jumps when Dowoon's mother wraps her arms around him. She pats him on the back. "Then it's definitely nice to meet you." She leans closer and whispers in his ear. "If you hurt him I will break you." 

Dowoon is relieved when his mother walks back to the living room. He rushes over as she carries grocery bags to the kitchen. 

After a few more minutes, Jae comes out and assists with stocking the food. Younghyun stands awkwardly between the two rooms, not sure if he should help or not. Dowoon tells him to sit down and relax but he can't. 

He repeats the words that Dowoon said earlier in his head. I have a new boyfriend . He can't help but smile and feel his cheeks burn. 

"Younghyun, dear, why don't you help me prepare dinner?" The woman yells out, sending Jae and Dowoon into the living room. 

"Mom- I can help instead." Dowoon tries to get Younghyun out of it and fears that he will have a panic attack. 

"It's okay, I'd love to help." Younghyun replies, digging his nails in his palm. 

He slowly lurches forward into the kitchen. Dowoon whines out anxiously but Jae leads him to the couch. Younghyun washes his hands as Dowoon’s mother places vegetables on the counter. 

“How’d you meet my son?” She asks, placing a package of bean sprouts in front of her. 

Younghyun pulls a knife from the knife block and sets it on the cutting board. “Oh, Jae is dating my best friend so we met at his house to study one night.” There was no way he is going to tell her that they met at a liquor store. 

“Do you keep good grades?” 

He twitches, remembering his failed class. “Well, I try my best but I had some issues this year in one of my classes.” 

She gives him a warm smile and closes her eyes. “We all have bad classes. I failed Communications twice when I was an undergrad. What year is this for you? What is your major?” 

“I’m a junior, Business.” He clears his throat. “I failed comms.” 

The woman nods and tells him how to cut the veggies. “Don’t sweat it, dear. You have another year to make that up.” 

Things are decently quiet for awhile as they continue the meal prep. Younghyun is 100% okay with the silence but fears that she doesn’t like him. After an hour of cooking, Dowoon’s mom asks Younghyun to get the other two. He calls them in and everyone slowly sits at the table. 

They stare at the table as Dowoon’s mother sets food around it. She sits down beside her son and the boys don’t move until she serves herself. They mutter thank you’s and begin to fill their plates and bowls with food. 

“Have you fucked yet?” The woman bluntly asks, causing all three of them to choke on their food. 

Dowoon coughs violently while patting Younghyun on the back. Jae stands and scrambles to get a glass of water. 

Yougnhyun’s face turns bright red and he buries himself in his arms. “Oh my god, I want to die.” 

“So yes?” 

“Mrs. Yoon, can I suggest we have a quiet dinner?” Jae lets out a very loud cough, finally getting the food from his throat. “I’m too sober for this kind of conversation between my best friend and his mom.” 

“Of course, my dear. I’m sorry, I know that question was a bit too personal. I just wanted to make sure they are being safe.” 

“Mom, I will jump out the window.” Dowoon whines. 

----

After dinner, Younghyun stands and grabs his coat. 

“I’m- uh- I’m gonna go say goodbye to Wonpil before he leaves.” He stutters. “And um, grab a few things from my dorm before it’s locked for break.” 

“Oh, yeah! Of course. Tell him to have a safe trip home.” Dowoon jumps up. 

“Sweetheart, do you need a ride? It’s freezing outside.” The woman begins to grab for her phone to call her husband. . 

“No, no- it’s okay. He’s actually waiting outside. He borrowed my friend’s car.” He walks to the door and shoves his shoes on. “Thank you for the food, ma’am.” 

He runs out and nearly falls down the stairs to the parking lot. Wonpil looks up from the car as Younghyun’s foot slides over the last few stairs. Younghyun quickly jumps in and lets out a mixture of a groan and a scream. 

“Are you- good, dude?” Wonpil leans away from him. 

“Dowoon’s mom asked if we were fucking.” Younghyun cries out. 

“Well..” 

“Just gooo to the dorm before I run away forever.” 

--

As the two walk into their dorm, Younghyun jumps, seeing someone laying in his bed. Sungjin sits up and greets the two. 

“Good evening, fuckers.” Sungjin smiles. 

“I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.” Younghyun replies, walking to the mini fridge and taking a mini bottle of vodka out. “God, I love our RA’s.” He untwists the cap and grabs a cup, pouring the contents into it before grabbing a small bottle of orange juice and mixing it inside. “Have you ever met Dowoon’s mom?” 

“Once when I dropped Jae off. She was very nice but very...weird.” 

“She asked me if I fucked Dowoon.” 

“Well..” 

Younghyun looks at Wonpil, who shrugs back at him. “Fuck off.” 

Wonpil hops over, wrapping his arm around Younghyun’s shoulder, half choking him. “Let’s just have fun until I have to go to the airport. Then do the sad goodbye shit.” 

The two agree, sitting around the room and talking about how shitty the semester was. Younghyun feels kinda bad for leaving Dowoon in such an awkward situation, but maybe it was better for him to leave. Although, the woman was awkward...Younghyun has to agree that Jae wasn’t wrong about Mrs. Yoon. She was very pretty. He shakes off the thought as Wonpil asks him about his Art final. 

“Listen, my art has gotten way better since elementary school.” He pauses. “I got a D.” 

----

Jae and Dowoon sit beside each other on the couch while Mrs. Yoon enjoys her favorite wine in the lounge chair. She smiles to the boys and offers them a glass. They turn it down. 

“I’m proud of you boys.” She lifts the glass to her lips and takes a large sip, making her face twist slightly. “I’m so happy to hear that you are both graduating.” 

“Thank you, ma’am.” The two mutter out. 

“Jae, have you thought about what you’re going to do for graduate school?” 

“No ma’am. I don’t think I’ll be able to afford it.” Jae lowers his head, feeling ashamed of himself. He was only able to scrape by in undergrad with his loans and grants. “I might just look for a job instead.” 

“If that’s what you want. You don’t have to go to graduate school, honey. Don’t worry.” She turns to Dowoon. “I know you’re going to do just fine in school.” 

“I’m a bit worried since I’ll be alone. Jae isn’t going and all my friends are younger than me.” Dowoon fidgets with his fingers. “But I will still enjoy it.” He fakes a smile and looks to Jae for support.

“You’ll do just fine. Jae will be at home for you everyday and you have that Younghyun boy to texts if you feel lonely.” She senses the tense air and sighs. “I won’t be staying long. Your father is out running errands for me. I should be gone around midnight.” 

“I’m not rushing you out, mom. I just- You asked my boyfriend and I if we had sex...that’s weird.” 

A loud laugh leaves the woman’s lips and she sits forward. “Well, I’m a mom, it’s my job to embarrass you.” She leans in closer. “It worked.” 

“I think I need to move from this country, now and start a new life.” 

“If that’s what you want dear, name the place and you guys will go.” 

“No- mom-” He cuts her off and sighs. “I wasn’t serious.” 

---

Wonpil wraps his arms around his two friends. This is the only time Sungjin cares to be touched by someone other than Jae. They all hold each other tightly, not wanting Wonpil to leave. 

“It’s only a month, we do this every semester. It’s okay.” Wonpil reassures them all, despite feeling a lump form in the back of his throat. 

“You better text me as soon as you get home or I will fly my ass over there and find you.” Younghyun sniffles. 

“You promise?” 

They all hug again and Wonpil grabs his bags, slinging them over his shoulder before heading to TSA. He waves to the two, who watch to make sure he is able to get through the line without any issues. Younghyun bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying. 

“God, I really hate goodbyes.” His voice is quiet as he turns to walk out. 

Sungjin pats him on the back. “I know, buddy. It sucks but at least we know he’ll be back.” 

----

“Dowoon?” Jae walks out of his bedroom, holding a small gift box in his hand. “Your parents got me a dab pen.” He holds it up, in slight shock and confusion. “Do they know they bought me drugs or-” 

“I think my mom is officially on drugs, herself.” Dowoon holds up a box of condoms and a stack of money. 

“Oh cool, you can continue to fuck your boyfriend and buy pot.” 

Dowoon pauses when Jae calls Younghyun his boyfriend, thinking back to when he said it himself earlier. “It’s kinda weird hearing that outloud.” 

“What?” 

“Younghyun being my boyfriend. Is that true or did I just kinda rush things preemptively? He throws his head backwards and whines. “Ugh, I’m so stupid.” 

“You’re overthinking, again.” 

“I want him to be my boyfriend, though.” 

Chapter Text

[rare pupper - 3:14pm]: I lived bitch 

[Snuggle-ssi - 3:16pm]: tell your mom i miss her

[Daniel - 3:24pm]: cool now come back 

[rare pupper- 3:26pm]: younghyun, did you go back to dowoons or are you with sungjin 

[Snuggle-ssi - 3:27pm]: well the bitch aint with me

[Daniel - 3:37pm]: physically im at starbucks but emotionally dowoon did call me his boyfriend 

[Daniel - 3:38pm]: so that counts for something 

[Snuggles-ssi - 3:40pm]: how are you standing??? Your FIRST boyfriend???? 

[Daniel - 3:45pm]: physically, I am sitting at starbucks 

-------

“So you have a boyfriend now?” Jae looks over to his friend, who is curled on the floor beside the couch. 

Dowoon smiles and covers his face with his hoodie sleeve. “Yeah, I think I do.” 

He rolls dramatically to the side and continues to hide his hardcore blushing. Jae kicks him over to his back but Dowoon grabs his leg and pulls him down. The older grabs the couch to keep himself from falling hard onto the carpet. 

A picture falls from their bookshelf as Dowoon shows his strength, bringing Jae to the floor with a loud thud. Jae wraps his leg around Dowoon’s arm and locks it in place. He grabs the arm and pulls it back while Dowoon struggles to break free. 

“Alright alright. Mercy!” Dowoon yells, tapping the ground. 

Jae lets off and rolls to the side, sitting up. “I’m getting too old for that shit.” 

“You started it.” 

---

Younghyun plays with Dowoon’s car keys as he walks through the mall, attempting to look for a good Christmas gift for him and Jae. He doesn’t really know them well enough but also hates getting generic gifts for people. His anxiety rises the longer he takes. He doesn't want Dowoon to think he ran off with his car or something. After about 20 more minutes of looking around, he decides he will find something online instead. 

As he drives back to Dowoon's apartment, he can't stop thinking about how Dowoon called him his boyfriend. He smiles but feel anxious about it. Is he ready for a relationship? Will he be able to treat Dowoon right? 

He pulls into the parking lot, carefully looking for Dowoon's spot. A few flakes of snow fall on the windshield, distracting Younghyun from getting out. His phone goes off, forcing him back to reality. 

[Mr Yoon - 8:18pm]: we're thinking about getting chinese tonight, you down? 

[Mr Kang - 8:19pm]: yeah thats cool lm about to come in 

Younghyun grabs the bags filled with Sungjin and Wonpil's Christmas presents and gets out. The cold air hits a lot stronger than he expected, nearly making him breathless. As he walks to the apartment, he tries his best to look happy for Dowoon. 

“Hey, find anything good?” Dowoon greets Younghyun. 

Younghyun tucks his shoes off and holds the bags up. “Yeah, stuff for Sungjin and Wonpil but that’s about it.” He sits down heavily on the couch beside Dowoon. 

“Are you hungry right now?” He looks down and notices Younghyun’s leg shaking. 

“Nah, but you guys can eat if you’re hungry.” 

Dowoon nods, grabbing Younghyun’s hand as he sees him pick at his fingernail. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Huh? Nothing.” Younghyun twitches a smile and lowers his head. “You guys go ahead and order food, I think I’m gonna lay down for a bit. Just get me whatever, I’ll eat it.” He stands and lets out a quiet apology before walking down the hall to the guest room. 

Younghyun stares at his suitcase sitting on the king sized bed after he walks in. He crawls beside it, burying himself under the blankets and praying to fall asleep. His body shivers, unable to get warm. As much as his body pleads for him to sleep, he just can’t. 

There is a soft knock on the door and he gets up to answer it. Dowoon stands in the doorway, attempting to hide his concern. Younghyun turns the light on and walks over to the bed, sitting down. 

“Are you really okay?” Dowoon sits beside him. 

Younghyun twitches a smile. “Just stressed.” He bites the skin from his bottom lip. “I’ll be fine after a nap.” 

---

The next morning, Dowoon sits on the couch, scrolling through Twitter on his phone. There is a light knock on the front door but it still catches him off guard. He goes to answer it, surprised to see Sungjin. 

“Morning?” Dowoon croaks, finally speaking for the first time today. 

“Is Younghyun still asleep?” Sungjin asks quietly, stepping inside. 

Dowoon notices his friend holding a gift bag. “Yeah, I think so. Why?” 

Sungjin gives him a look as if he doesn’t know. He kicks his shoes off and begins to walk towards the bedrooms. “Just follow me.” 

Dowoon does so, watching Sungjin quietly open the guest bedroom. They walk in, seeing Younghyun sleeping deeply and curled in his blankets. Sungjin signals for Dowoon to stay quiet as he approaches the bed. He suddenly jumps on top of the boy, pushing his arm as he wakes him.

“Happy birthday!” Sungjin yells, getting up before Younghyun kick him. “Wake up!” 

Younghyun whines after he realizes he isn’t being attacked. “Yeah, yeah, happy birthday. What time is it?” 

“Like 11am?” 

“Four more hours.” Younghyun pulls the blanket back over his head. 

Sungjin grabs it and tugs it away. “Nah, that’s not how this works.” 

Dowoon raises a brow and stares in confusion. “It’s your birthday?” 

Younghyun sighs and sits up in frustration, attempting to blink the tired from his eyes. “Yeah. But it’s nothing special.” He stands and stretches, seeing the bag in Sungjin’s hand. “Why’d you get me a present?”

“Younghyun we go through this every year. I will always celebrate your birthday. Now open it.” Sungjin hands him the gift. 

Younghyun begrudgingly does so, feeling a bit awkward from all the attention. He can’t help but laugh at the gift bag filled with mini bottles of alcohol and candy. 

Dowoon feels bad for not knowing about his birthday. He would have gotten him something or done something special for him. He keeps trying to remember if Younghyun told him when his birthday was. It hits him that Younghyun told him it was this week but never said what day. 

“Younghyun, are you hungry?” Dowoon asks, wanting to at least offer something. “We can go out to eat.” 

“I have some leftovers in the fridge.” Younghyun continues to brush off the celebration. 

Sungjin sighs and attempts to not get annoyed with his best friend. He knows something has to be wrong if he isn’t taking up the offer for a free meal. Younghyun jumps as Sungjin suddenly grabs his arm. Sungjin glares at Younghyun, his grip tightening. 

“Dowoon, can you leave for a minute?” Sungjin growls slightly.

Although Dowoon doesn’t really want to leave, he knows he should. He steps out and closes the door, unable to fully step away. Curiosity and concern force him to place his ear to the wood to listen. 

Sungjin pulls Younghyun’s arm to force him forward. “What the fuck is this?” He twists the arm up to get a better look of the small mark in the pit of his elbow. “When did this start again?” 

Younghyun’s lip twitches as he attempts to pull away. “It’s old.” 

“Younghyun, I’m not stupid. Who sold it to you? Tell me now or I’ll find out on my own.” Sungjin throws his arm down. He grabs at his hair and takes a few hard breaths to keep from punching Younghyun. His anger quickly fades and turns into sadness. “What happened?” 

“Don’t tell Dowoon.” Younghyun’s voice cracks as he holds his breath to keep from crying. 

Sungjin pulls his friend into his chest, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Younghyun breaks down, attempting to muffle his sobs in Sungjin’s shoulder. He can’t stop crying to get a proper breath. His face turns red. Sungjin fans him as best he can, not wanting to pull away. 

Dowoon steps back and feels his heart break. His eyes water hearing the pain Younghyun’s in. He rushes to the bathroom and locks the door. Tears fall down his cheeks and he covers his face to keep from anyone hearing him. He needs to help Younghyun but he feels like he doesn’t have the ability to. And he really doesn’t want to lose him. But if Younghyun can’t stay clean then he isn’t sure he can be with him.

Younghyun stops crying enough to wipe the tears from his face. "I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. I even ruined my birthday." 

"You aren't a fuck up and you didn't ruin anything." Sungjin takes a long, slow breath, helping Younghyun dry his face. "I'm sorry I got angry. I just don't want to see you fall again." 

"I'm sorry." 

Sungjin hugs him once more. "Everything will be okay. I promise." 

Younghyun brings himself together enough to walk out of the bedroom. As he steps into the hallway, the bathroom door opens. Dowoon sniffles and smiles at Younghyun. 

"Hey." He greets him softly. 

"Why don't we go to the river?" Younghyun suggests, looking at the two. "Bring Jae and we can make it a double date." 

Dowoon and Sungjin both see Younghyun clearly holding back tears but pretend they don't. They agree and Sungjin goes to Jae's room to wake him up. Dowoon stares at Younghyun, wanting to say something but holds back from fear of starting a fight. He turns and walks to his room to get dressed. 

Younghyun whimpers to himself as he pushes back into the guest room, knowing Dowoon must have listened in. He really fucked up. 

I can’t lose Dowoon..I’m such a fuck up.

He gets dressed and goes to sit in the living room until everyone is ready. 

Jae whines as he is shaken awake. He rolls onto his back and stares up to see who is waking him up. His hand flies up and softly smacks at Sungjin’s face. 

“What are you doing here?” Jae asks in a groggy voice. 

“We’re gonna go out for Younghyun’s birthday, so get up.” Sungjin pats Jae’s leg. 

“It’s his birthday today?” He stretches. “I didn’t get him anything.” 

“Don’t worry about it, just get dressed.” 

Sungjin smacks his leg one more time before walking out. Jae pulls his blanket from his head and walks to his closet. He begins to ruffle through his shirts and when he pulls one back, a box stacked behind it falls to the ground. The contents spill across the floor and Jae’s stomach twists slightly. He checks over his shoulder to make sure he’s alone as he leans down to clean up. Jae picks up three unused needles that have started to collect dust and feels as if something is off.

He stares at the contents, his brow furrowing once he realizes there is a needle and a small bag missing. His eyes scan the area for the bag but he finds nothing. He decides to deal with it later and just get dressed. 

The three look up as Jae walks in, pulling his coat on. Dowoon can tell that that Jae is a frazzled about something but just assumes he lost his phone again. Everyone gets their shoes on and goes out to gather in Dowoon’s car. 

It’s a warmer day for the winter so there are more people out than they expected. Dowoon parks near a convenience store so they don’t have to walk too far in the cold to get snacks. Younghyun volunteers to get everything if the others make a list. Dowoon shoots that idea down and tells him to just relax in the heat instead. 

“Hey, Sungjin can you help me get everything?” Dowoon asks. 

Sungjin agrees and the two get out and make their way down the block. Younghyun tiredly watches them but can feel Jae staring at him from the backseat. He looks over and asks him if there is something wrong. 

“Younghyun, I can trust you, right?” Jae asks quietly, not wanting to confront him. 

“Yeah. Is everything okay?” Younghyun feels his cheeks numb with anxiety. 

Jae looks down at his hands. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just- know that I’m here for you and you can trust me, too.” 

“I need to talk to you about something later.” 

“Yeah-I know.” 

They go quiet as Dowoon and Sungjin get back in. Dowoon hands Younghyun a soda and the bag of chips he asked for. Sungjin dumps the other bag on the middle seat in the back and begins to sort through everything. Younghyun plays with the tab of the soda, feeling his stomach ache with nausea. He stares out the window, looking at the lights reflect on the river. 

---

Dowoon holds the door open for Sungjin, walking in behind him as they enter the store. He follows him down the aisle, picking up snacks that look interesting. 

"Sungjin-" Dowoon stops his friend before he turns a corner. 

Sungjin stops. "Yeah?" 

"What uh..What did Younghyun do?" He asks quietly, looking around to make sure no one is around. "I know he relapsed somehow." 

"Dowoon, if I tell you about it, I need you to promise me that you will help him instead of leaving because if you want to leave, do it after he's clean. Please." 

"I don't want to leave. I want to help him." 

"Good because I don't know if he can handle more abandonment." He gets closer to Dowoon. "He's had an issue with drugs for a while. I'm not sure what but I saw a new needle mark on his arm. He wouldn't tell me who sold it to him but I'd keep an eye on him if he leaves suddenly or falls asleep at weird times." 

"Thank you, seriously. I'm worried about him and I know you know him better than I do but I don't want to see him hurt anymore." 

"Just-if you have to walk away, please hold out. I can clean out my guest room if you need him to stay with me." 

Dowoon lowers his head and nods, walking away to find the rest of the snacks. 

---

The four boys come back to Dowoon and Jae’s apartment after Younghyun suggested they all get drunk. He walks down to the guest room to get the alcohol Sungjin got him. 

It doesn’t take long for everyone to get drunk. Sungjin and Jae sit on the floor, attempting to have what seems to be 3 conversations at once. Dowoon and Younghyun sit quietly on the couch, Younghyun staring at the ceiling to avoid eye contact. He knows Dowoon is holding back saying something but he really doesn’t want to talk to him right now.

"I need to get some air, I feel sick." Younghyun stands, looking down to Jae.

Jae stares up and clears his throat. "I need to talk to Younghyun, I'll be back." 

He kisses Sungjin's cheek and slowly gets to his feet. Dowoon and Sungjin watch as the two make their way to the back door. 

Jae helps Younghyun down the steps to the back lot. They walk to a small concrete wall and sit. Younghyun feels as if he's going to throw up but knows it's not from the alcohol. 

"There were some things missing from my closet." Jae breaks the awkward silence. 

"I'm too weak to be trusted." Younghyun mumbles. "I'm sorry." 

"Please don't tell Sungjin I still have that." Jae's voice wavers slightly, causing a twinge in Younghyun's stomach. "Or Dowoon." 

"Wha-" 

"I'm not mad at you. I mean, that shit was expensive and I'd much rather destroy my own body than someone else but I can't blame you." 

"How long has it been?" 

"5 years and 2 months. The stuff is about a week old, though." 

Younghyun sniffles and shakes his head. "You can't keep it a secret from Sungjin. He knows about your past right? If he knows before you actually fuck up, he will be able to help you." 

"No!" Jae jumps up. "He told me he'd fucking leave if I ever met with my cousin, again. Remember that fucking package I got last week? It was from him. I'm fucked if Sungjin finds out." 

"Sungjin asked me who sold to me. If you don't tell him I found it in your room, I will." 

Younghyun flinches as Jae grabs his shirt and pulls him forward. "The fuck you will." 

Younghyun pushes him in the chest and begins to walk back to the door. Jae catches him, nearly bringing him to the gravel. Younghyun curses but holds on to Jae to keep his balance. He attempts to push Jae away but Jae hits him across the cheek. 

"Fuck this." Younghyun growls before walking the opposite direction of the development. 

Jae tries to catch up with him but he walks faster. "Younghyun! Stop!" He growls in frustration. "Come back here and talk to me!" 

"Fuck off!" Younghyun yells before disappearing in the alley. 

Dowoon and Sungjin look up when they hear Jae yelling. They quickly rush out to see what's happening. Sungjin sees Jae running down the street. He turns back inside and gets his shoes and coat while Dowoon yells out for Jae. 

Sungjin runs out the front door to hopefully catch the two at the end of the street. He walks out to the parking lot but can't see anything. As Dowoon steps out, Sungjin jumps as Jae collides with his side. 

"Younghyun ran off." Jae coughs, trying to catch his breath. "I tried to catch him but he wouldn't stop." 

"What happened?" Sungjin begins to panic. "What did you do?" 

"I didn't do anything! Just- come on! We need to get him! Get your fucking keys!" 

"We've all been fucking drinking!" Dowoon barks out. He grabs his hair and looks around. "Fuck." 

---

"Hello?" Wonpil answers his phone, walking to his room from his living room. 

"I want to come back home." Younghyun sniffles and shivers as he sits on a park bench. 

"What happened?" 

"I fucked up, again." 

Wonpil goes quiet for a minute, trying to find the right words to say. "Do you have enough money for a flight?" 

Tears fall down Younghyun's cheek as he attempts to muffle his sobs. "No." 

"I'll-try my best." He sighs. "Are you sure?" 

"I stole from Jae and we got into a fight. By now, everyone knows I relapsed and Dowoon probably hates me. Sungjin already found out I used and if he finds out it was Jae's stuff he'll freak." 

"It's okay. Where are you?" 

"The park near Sungjin’s." He wipes his nose on his sleeve. 

"You're gonna get sick, Younghyun." 

"I don't fucking care. I want to fucking die."

---

[Wonpil - 12:14am]: The park on 5th. Please hurry. He's scaring me. 

---

"It's okay, Younghyun. I can get you a one-way on Monday. Can you wait until then? When I get back to the dorm, I can either send you your things or take them to Sungjin's until I come back. Is that okay?" 

"I guess. Most of my important shit is at Dowoon's." He buries his face in his hand. "I knew I was going to fuck everything up again. I always fucking do." 

Younghyun looks up as someone runs in front of him, grabbing his arm. Dowoon wraps his arms around him, breathing heavily. He feels Younghyun shiver violently against him. Sungjin grabs Younghyun's phone. 

"Thank you." He tries to hide his voice shaking. 

"Let me know when you're all home safe." Wonpil replies, relieved that they found him. 

Sungjin hangs up and looks over to Younghyun. Dowoon steps back and Younghyun trembles as he looks over to Sungjin. He bursts into tears and runs into his chest. 

“I’m sorry.” Younghyun cries, clawing at Sungjin’s coat. “I can’t do this anymore.” 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. We’re going to go back to the apartment. It’s too cold.” Sungjin holds him up, trying not to breakdown himself. 

Dowoon’s cheek twitches as he watches Younghyun. He shivers from both the cold and from his one fear slowly coming true in front of him. Sungjin slowly forces Younghyun to walk down the road, back to Dowoon’s place. 

Jae walks behind the group, distracted by his thoughts. He watches the two caring for Younghyun and feels an odd moment of jealousy. Sungjin cares for Younghyuyn when he messes up but threatens to leave if Jae fucks up. He hates feeling so selfish but it just seems unfair. He needs to talk to Sungjin or things will just get worse. 

---

Dowoon takes Younghyun to the guest room, sitting him down on the bed. He pulls the blanket back and tells him to lie down. Younghyun tiredly falls into his pillow and stares at the wall. He feels tears well up in his eyes and bites the inside of his lip as he feels pressure on the other side of the bed. His eyes close and he silently cries, feeling an arm wrap around his waist. 

“I’m here for you.” Dowoon whispers, resting his head against Younghyun’s back. “It’s okay.” 

He pulls off slightly as Younghyun turns around. They stare at each other, their faces only lit by the streetlight outside the window. Dowoon softly places his hand over Younghyun’s cheek. Younghyun closes his eyes again as Dowoon kisses his forehead. 

“I’ll take care of you.” Dowoon rests his head against Younghyun’s. “I promise.” 

Chapter Text

Jae feels his body tremble as he waits for Sungjin to pick him up. He picks the skin from his lips and wipes the small amount of blood in his nails on to his pants. His vision blurs, seeing Sungjin’s car enter the parking lot. 

He crawls into the seat and quietly pulls his seatbelt over his torso. Sungjin can tell that something’s wrong. He reaches over and rests his hand on Jae’s thigh, driving towards his house. 

“Are you alright?” Sungjin asks, eyeing his boyfriend while trying to focus on the road. 

“Can you pull over?” Jae’s skin has turned a pale green color. 

Sungjin pulls to the side of the road and is surprised when Jae jumps out before he fully stops. Jae’s knees collide with the grass as he throws up the small amount of food he had in his stomach. Sungjin rushes over to him and cradles his back. 

“Jae?” He stares down in concern. 

Jae spits and wipes his nose on his sleeve. His body shakes tremendously as he falls back. Sungjin catches him. “I fucked up.” He cries out, burying his face in Sungjin’s stomach. “I’m sorry, please don’t leave me.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I called my cousin and bought something from him but I didn’t fucking use it. Younghyun stole it from my closet and you said you’d leave me if I fucked up again and I did. But you can sit there and take care of your fucking friend when he fucks up. What about me? What makes me different? What makes me less than him that you’d fucking leave instead of help me? Sungjin I need help!” He yells, trying not to beat at Sungjin’s chest in anger. 

Sungjin feels his heart shatter. Not only did Younghyun get the drugs from Jae, but Jae betrayed him. But even though he said he’d leave Jae if he did those things, he doesn’t want to. He said that to him when he was angry over something stupid. He didn’t think it would affect Jae so much. Jae digs his nails in his leg to keep himself from breaking down more. 

“Jae, I love you and I’m so sorry.” He wraps his arms tightly around him. “I didn’t mean it. I’ll help you. Just tell me what you need.” He cradles Jae in his arms, petting his head. “I won’t leave you.” 

---

[Kimberly Pil - 9:30am]: younghyun...do you still want to come home? 

[Kimberly Pil - 9:31am]: I have a plane ticket in my cart

Younghyun looks at the texts but sets his phone back on the side table. He turns on his side, feeling an arm pull him back. Dowoon nuzzles into his back, trying to enjoy the moment before they wake up. He feels Younghyun’s body tremble underneath him and attempts to choke a cry back. 

“Morning.” Younghyun says quietly. 

“Are you hungry?” Dowoon muffles into his shirt. 

A smile twitches across Younghyun’s lips. “I could eat.” 

Dowoon pulls the covers away as he sits up. He instantly regrets that, feeling the cool air hit his skin. “Let's go make breakfast.” 

He gets out of bed and stretches, walking out and going towards the kitchen. His heart aches slightly, wishing he hadn’t read Wonpil’s text over Younghyun’s shoulder. 

Younghyun walks down the hall, greeting Dowoon again. He isn’t actually hungry but he doesn’t want Dowoon to be concerned. The two look through the kitchen and pull out everything for a big breakfast. Dowoon tells Younghyun to sit while he begins to cook. Younghyun’s stomach growls at the smell but there is a twinge of nausea blocking him from enjoying it fully. He stares into space. 

[Young onnie - 9:52pm]: yeah just...dont tell sungjin..

---

Dowoon sits on the couch, reading about his master’s program. He still isn’t sure he really wants to continue his education but he doesn’t want to disappoint his family. It’s been stressful already applying for jobs at labs across the country with his bachelor’s. He’s not really sure he can handle both a job and his studies but he doesn’t want to rely on his family anymore. 

He looks up as Younghyun walks through the front door. Younghyun tiredly takes his shoes off and drags his feet to the couch. He flops down hard, looking over to Dowoon’s laptop. 

“Whatcha lookin’ at?” His brow raises. 

“Just the chemistry program. Nothing special with it.” Dowoon shrugs, closing the laptop and placing it to the side. “Have fun at the gym?” 

“Would have rather been asleep. I don’t know how you wake up so early and then work out every single day.” 

“It’s a great stress reliever. Plus, no one is there that early.” 

“Well, now that I’ve burned off breakfast, I’m ready to eat lunch. How about some bingsu?” 

Dowoon chuckles and shakes his head. “You want dessert for lunch?” 

Younghyun nods, smiling to Dowoon. “Fuck yeah! I used to go out every Friday with Wonpil but since he’s back home, I don’t have anyone to go with. Sungjin’s at work.” 

“Then I’d love to go.” 

---

Dowoon sits across Younghyun at a small table in the back of a near empty restaurant. The lights are a bit too bright for Dowoon but he just tries to focus on Younghyun. They pick at a large bowl of chocolate bingsu. Dowoon smiles at the boy, happy to see him enjoy his treat. 

He looks down at his phone as it begins to ring. It’s from an unknown number but he decides to answer it. He excuses himself and walks outside. Younghyun watches him through the window. He watches Dowoon’s face give a range of emotions. It looks like Dowoon thanks whoever profusely before hanging up. 

Younghyun looks back to the table before Dowoon walks back in. Dowoon clears his throat as he sits back down. He begins to eat again as if nothing happened. 

“What was that about?” Younghyun asks quietly. 

“Oh, nothing. Something for my sister.” Dowoon twitches a smile. 

Younghyun nods and puts his spoon down. “I hope everything’s good.” 

“It’s great, actually.” 

“I’m glad. I think I’m full.” He sighs. “You don’t have to stop eating.” 

Dowoon frowns, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table. “What’s wrong?” 

“You’re lying to me.” Younghyun clenches his jaw. 

“And you’re keeping a secret from me.” Dowoon can’t help but bite back, his lip twitching. 

Younghyun pushes away from the table and walks to the door. Dowoon jumps up and rushes after him. He follows him to the parking lot but Younghyun doesn’t go to the car. Instead he continues to the sidewalk. Before he can cross the street, Dowoon pulls him back. 

“I got a job offer.” Dowoon glares at Younghyun, who looks close to breaking down. “In Incheon.” He feels his body begin to tremble and he lets go of Younghyun’s wrist. “But who the fuck cares since you’re moving back home.” 

Younghyun balls his hands into a fist, digging his nails into his palm. “Were you just going to leave me here? What about Jae?” 

“Jae will come with me. I would have expected you to come with me if I found a job but I guess that was stupid of me. No, you just want to run away.” 

“You don’t fucking know where I moved from, do you?” Younghyun tilts his head and he can’t help feeling a petty smirk growing across his lips. 

Dowoon shakes his head. “What does that have to do with anything?” 

“Fucking guess.” 

Dowoon looks to the ground, not fully understanding what Younghyun means. “I don’t fucking know?” 

“Incheon.” He snears. 

“And you’re going to blame me for not knowing that? I got the offer 2 fucking minutes ago and you’ve planned on moving back for who knows how long. This whole fight is stupid, Younghyun. Just get in the damn car so we aren’t yelling in public.” 

Younghyun hesitates but eventually follows Dowoon back to the parking lot. He shivers as he sits in the seat, despite the heat quickly warming the car. Dowoon stares out at the windshield as snow begins to fall onto the streets. 

“I’ve been trying to find a job for a month. You can’t get mad at me for finally landing something.” Dowoon speaks quietly. “I’ve only known you for 3 weeks. You expect me to read your mind. I’m sorry I’m not enough to help you, I really am. I understand that you want to go back. I would have tried to stop you but I don’t want to now.” 

“Because you’re giving up?” Younghyun doesn’t look to Dowoon, speaking away from him. 

“Because I can still be there for you. You’ll be there anyway.” Dowoon leans over to him, placing his hand over his thigh. “Younghyun-” He begins to pull off but Younghyun grabs his hand, holding it tightly. 

“I love you.” 

“Then why do you keep running away?” 

Younghyun holds his breath and looks down to his hands as he fidgets with his ring. “It’s the healthier option.” 

He closes his eyes, feeling Dowoon’s hand rest against his cheek. “Will you let me be your option from now on?” 

Younghyun feels his chest ache and all he can do is nod. Tears fall from his cheeks and he collides into Dowoon’s arms. Dowoon holds onto him tightly, softly keeping his hand over Younghyun’s head. 

“I love you, too.” 

---

Younghyun has refused to let go of Dowoon, whimpering every time the boy shifts on the couch. Dowoon holds his breath through the pain of having to pee for the past 2 hours but doesn’t want Younghyun to break down. When he attempted to get a drink from the kitchen, Younghyun practically dragged himself along. 

Dowoon keeps his arm around Younghyun’s, reassuring him every few minutes that he isn’t leaving him. The two lace their fingers together as they attempt to watch youtube. 

“Younghyun, I’m going to piss myself.” Dowoon can’t take it anymore as he sits up suddenly. 

A smile cracks on Younghyun’s lips and he lets out a soft chuckle. “Sorry.” 

“I’ll be right back.” 

Dowoon practically jogs to the bathroom. Younghyun straightens himself on the couch. He feels awful about fighting with Dowoon. As always, he overreacted and fears that he is quickly ruining the relationships. Dowoon is such an amazing person that deserves someone better. 

His thoughts stop when he hears Dowoon walking back down the hall. Dowoon sits and wraps his arm around Younghyun’s shoulders. Younghyun closes his eyes, feeling Dowoon gently kiss his forehead. 

“I’m sorry about today.” Dowoon says, softly. 

Younghyun feels a small ache in his chest and sighs. “Don’t apologize. I overreacted like a moron. It’s nothing new with me.” 

“No, I shouldn’t have tried to keep things from you. I wasn’t thinking properly. I want to be able to communicate with you and for you to do the same with me. I’m not really used to having a serious relationship but I want to do it right.” 

“If I’m being honest, I feel awful making you deal with all my problems..” 

Dowoon pulls Younghyun down into the couch, arms wrapping tightly around him. "Then I'll make them my problems too." 

He smiles against Younghyun's back after hearing him scoff a laugh. The two cuddle for hours before falling asleep on the couch. They only wake up when Jae comes home and trips on his shoe.

---

Dowoon walks into the kitchen, setting a few bags on the counter. He looks around the counter, feeling as if something is missing. At first he can't figure it out and begins to put away his small amount of groceries. The feeling keeps scratching in the back of his mind and he can't focus. He stares around the sink until it finally hits him. 

He rushes out and down the hallway, opening the door to Younghyun’s room. The room is empty and as he steps out, he notices the bathroom door being closed. Across the hall, he can hear Jae talking on the phone to Sungjin. 

Dowoon feels a twist in his stomach and reaches for the handle to the bathroom door, pushing it open. His eyes widen as he sees Younghyun standing in front of the mirror. Younghyun stares forward, dropping his pocket knife as Dowoon grabs his now bleeding arm. 

"Sorry-" Younghyun whispers, his head falling forward into Dowoon’s chest. 

He takes a shallow breath and struggles to keep himself standing. Dowoon curses as Younghyun's body gives out. The two fall to the floor, Younghyun's head narrowly missing the edge of the bathtub. Dowoon's cheeks numb with anxiety as Younghyun's body trembles in his arms. 

Younghyun stares at the ceiling before his eyes flicker close. He lets out a gasp as his body attempts to keep him awake. 

Dowoon looks around frantically trying to figure out what Younghyun has done. He looks over to the trashcan and notices empty bottles, Jae’s antipsychs and Dowoon’s old migraine medication as well as various cold and flu pills. 

He yells for Jae while attempting to get Younghyun to respond. The door across the hall opens and Jae rushes out in confusion, having never heard Dowoon yell like that. He curses and runs over, ignoring his phone as Sungjin asks what’s wrong. His stomach twists seeing both the cuts and Younghyun lying limp on the floor. 

“What happened?” Jae asks Dowoon, who is trying his best not to have a breakdown. 

Dowoon cries out, clawing at Younghyun’s shirt. “He took a bunch of pills.” His voice trembles, pulling Younghyun into his lap. “Younghyun, no please- I’m sorry. Please wake up.” 

Jae can hear Sungjin now yelling through the phone. “I’ll-call an ambulance…” He stares at Sungjin with a pale face. “I have to go. Sorry-” 

Before Sungjin can respond, he hangs up and calls 119. He walks out to make the call, trying to keep himself together. 

Dowoon continues to hold Younghyun, his own body shaking violently with fear. His vision blurs and the only thing he can hear is a high pitch ringing in his ears. 

He jumps as Jae pulls him away so the emergency crew can come into the room. Everything feels like slow motion to Dowoon. He wants to scream out but instead his knees give out. Jae struggles to keep him standing, bringing him to the couch to sit down. Dowoon barely notices himself hyperventilating as the crew push through the apartment and out the front door. 

Jae grabs his arm once more and forces him out to the parking lot. He is able to walk himself to the car, climbing in the passenger's seat. 

The two of them stay quiet as Jae drives to the hospital. He feels his phone going off over and over again in his pocket, knowing Sungjin is trying to get ahold of him. 

"Can you text Sungjin?" Jae calmly asks Dowoon. 

Dowoon doesn't say a word, slowly digging his own phone from his pocket. 

[Dowoon - 9:12pm]: ...younghyun..tried to kill himself...we're going to the hospital now

---

Sungjin throws himself off the couch and grabs his keys, almost forgetting to put on his shoes as he runs out. He rushes to his car and speeds off towards the hospital. 

He enters the ER waiting room, seeing Jae sitting in a corner. Jae looks up, his face pale and his body still shaking slightly. Sungjin meets him and collapses in the chair to his left. 

“Where’s Dowoon?” He asks, trying not to throw up. 

“Doctor wanted to talk to him.” Jae replies, looking back at the doors, hoping that either Dowoon or Younghyun will walk through. 

The two sit quietly. Sungjin is stuck in thought and keeps a tight hold on Jae’s hand. 

---

Dowoon anxiously picks at his lip as he speaks with the doctor. Though he answers the questions well, he can’t focus on the conversation at all. 

“Do you know how many pills he ingested and what kind?” The doctor begins to write on a clipboard. 

“I think like-25 Zyprexa and maybe 15 Elavil?” Dowoon attempts to remember. “Oh and probably only 6 cold pills.” 

“Do you know the dosage information of those medications?” 

“Uh, the Zyprexa was I think 10mgs, the Elavil was 50mg. All the cold meds were 25mg.” 

The man thanks Dowoon and lets him walk back to the waiting room. Dowoon slowly makes his way down the hall, fighting the thought to go into Younghyun’s room. Sungjin and Jae look up and notice Dowoon holding back his tears. They sit awkwardly, not used to him showing so much emotion. 

Sungjin looks back down to his phone as it vibrates. 

---

[Wonpil - 8:34pm]: hey, younghyun wont answer me. Do you know what hes doing ? its important 

[Sungjin - 8:35pm]: I havent talked to him today. I can try to call him. 

[Sungjin - 8: 46pm]: he wont answer me either. I’ll call jae 

[Wonpil - 9:24pm]: any news? 

[Sungjin - 9:27pm]: hes..in the hospital..i’ll try to keep you updated… 

[Wonpil - 9:30pm]: what? What happened is he okay..

[Wonpil - 9:45pm]: sungjin answer me

[Wonpil - 9:50pm]: please...what happened..

[Wonpil - 9:51pm]: did he hurt himself...

[Sungjin - 10:02pm]: yeah..

Chapter Text

“Oh, thank god.” Dowoon pushes into the room and collapses into Younghyun’s chest. 

Sungjin joins him in the embrace. Younghyun quietly stares at the wall, his body is heavy and he’s fighting dizziness. He looks over to Jae, who stands awkwardly in the corner. Jae lowers his head and exhales, not exactly sure how to react. 

Dowoon finally pulls away, gently taking Younghyun’s hand. He stares for a moment, trying to figure out the right words to say. “I love you.” 

Younghyun digs his nails into Dowoon’s palm and trembles in his grasp. “I’m sorry.” Tears begin to fall down his cheeks and he takes a sharp inhale. “I didn’t want you to see me. I just wanted a break.” 

Jae stares over to him, feeling his stomach turn with nausea. He lets out an apology that no one hears and rushes out of the room. Staff watch as he stumbles down the hall towards the bathroom, slamming the door shut. He clutches the sink and begins to cry. 

He attempts to muffle himself but after realizing no one has checked on him, he sobs. He’s not sure why he’s crying. He’s overwhelmed by this horrible new experience in life. He feels guilty, not knowing this happened across the hall from him. 

There is a knock on the door and Jae sniffles, wiping his face with his sleeves. He stares at his red and puffy face for a moment before opening the door. Sungjin gives him a gentle smile and grabs his hand. 

“Are you okay?” He pulls Jae into a hug as he begins to cry again. Sungjin slowly takes him down the hall, back out to the waiting room. 

Jae sits down and grabs a tissue from a box that sat on a small table in the corner. “I think everything was just a little too much for me.” 

“It’s okay, I understand. Do you want to sit in the car or do you want to go home?”

“I don’t want to go home.” 

Sungjin attempts to soothe him by rubbing his back. “Why don’t you go sit in my car and then after a bit, I will take you to my place. Okay?” 

Jae nods, he takes Sungjin's keys and hands him his own to give to Dowoon so he can get back home. It feels like he's floating as he walks out to the parking lot. He finds the car and crawls into the passenger's seat, reaching over to turn the car on and warm it up. His body continues to tremble. He stares out at the lot, feeling selfish for his reaction. He should be in there comforting Younghyun and shouldn't have taken Sungjin's focus away from him. 

---

Dowoon's lip trembles as he listens to Younghyun volunteer to be admitted to the psychiatric unit. But part of him is relieved that Younghyun will get help in some way. His chest aches and he tries to think positively as best he can but can't shake how thick the air in the room is. Younghyun almost seems like an empty shell and is even more quiet than normal with his words. The only emotion he showed was when he gave the nurse a slight smile after taking his IV out. 

Sungjin leaves the room as Younghyun is instructed to change into a hospital gown. Dowoon stays seated in the corner, staring at the floor. He listens to Younghyun change, stuffing his clothes in a drawstring plastic bag. The door opens again and the nurse asks him if he's ready. Dowoon's head pops up and he jumps from his seat, running over to Younghyun. He collides into his chest and hugs him as tightly as he can. 

"I love you. It's gonna be okay. You're amazing. Call me if you can." He half pulls off, resting his head against Younghyun’s. 

Younghyun twitches and wipes the tears from Dowoon's cheek. "Don't worry. I love you, too." 

He lowers his head and steps out with the woman, being greeted by a security guard. Dowoon watches as they take Younghyun away to the psychiatric unit. He turns to Sungjin, who is trying his best not to break down. 

Sungjin's face has turned red from holding his breath so as to not cry. The few breaths he does take are choppy and pained. He shakily hands Dowoon the keys Jae gave him and silently walks away.  

---

Dowoon walks into his apartment and can’t shake the eerie silence. This is the first time Dowoon has ever been alone. Even when Jae would stay at Sungjin’s, Dowoon would stay at a friend’s house. But tonight, it’s too late to call his friend and he is too exhausted to try. 

He slowly drags his feet down the hall, stopping when he reaches the bathroom. His chest and throat tighten as he looks in. The EMT’s had left the wrappers and packaging on the gauze and ointment used to clean Younghyun’s wounds, scattered across the floor. Dowoon cleans everything up, trying to control his anxiety. All of these feelings are new to him and he can’t seem to shake the feeling of dread in the air. 

After attempting to fall asleep, he finally decides to make himself a cup of tea. As he waits for the kettle, he stares at the wood pattern on the table. He reminds himself that Younghyun will be okay and he’ll only be gone for a few days. Jae will be home tomorrow and will be able to distract him. But sitting alone like this feels like a nightmare. 

---

Jae sits on Sungjin’s couch the next morning, staring at the wall. His focus is jarred slightly as Sungjin walks in from down the hall. Sungjin seems a bit irritated as he stands in front of Jae. 

“Did you hear the news?” Sungjin glares down. 

Jae’s heart skips a beat, terrified that something bad happened. “Uh-no. What happened?” 

Sungjin hands Jae his phone, showing him a local news article. “Your cousin got caught.” 

“Oh-” His cheeks numb but he attempts to hide his anxiety. He reads the article quietly. “Is it weird that I don’t really feel sorry for him?” 

“Why?” 

Jae sets the phone on the coffee table and sits forward. “Less of a chance for me to fuck up.” He looks over to Sungjin, grabbing for his hand. “Maybe I can really recover.” Sungjin feels his grip tighten and his body tremble in his grasp. “I can get rid of the needles I’ve kept just in case.” 

“Jae-” Sungjin’s voice is soft and breaks slightly. 

“I’m sorry. I know I’m a disappointment.” 

Sungjin gently places his hand on Jae’s cheek. “You’re not, Jae. But I think you need to talk to someone about this. Does your therapist know?” 

Jae can only shake his head, burying it into Sungjin’s shoulder. He closes his eyes and takes a staggered breath. “I’m sorry. I know you’re worried about Younghyun, I shouldn’t be stressing you more.” 

“Hey, you’re both important. I can care about both of you.” 

Jae stands up and begins to walk to the front door. “I think we should go to my place so Dowoon isn’t alone..” 

---

Dowoon’s body jumps as the front door opens. He feels a twinge of disappointment not seeing Younghyun walk in. Jae and Sungjin make their awkward entrance, Jae wanting to go to his room but knows he needs to console Dowoon. 

He sits beside him. Dowoon smiles over and grabs his phone. 

“I got a call from the lab today. I start on January 14th.” Dowoon attempts to sound positive. “The hospital said Younghyun gave me and Sungjin permission to visit.” He looks up to Sungjin. “I was about to call you. It’s at 2.” 

All three of them check the time and see they would have about 15 minutes until visitation. Jae nods and doesn’t say a word as he walks to his room, shutting the door and locking it. Dowoon notices and looks to Sungjin. 

“I upset him, didn’t I? Because Youngyun didn’t put him on the list?” He lowers his head. 

“There are a few things. He’s just stressed. Don’t worry.” Sungjin replies. 

The two go quiet and leave for the hospital, Dowoon slightly worried about Jae. 

---

Younghyun walks out of the community room along with the other patients to see a crowd of people, all waiting to visit their loved ones. He looks around until he sees two familiar faces and feels a mixture of happiness and anxiety. 

Everyone is advised to take their visitors to their rooms. Sungjin and Dowoon follow Younghyun, feeling awkward until they sit on Younghyun’s bed. 

Younghhun sniffles and struggles to look the two in the eyes. “This was more of an observation thing. I’ll most likely be out tomorrow or the next day. I’ll call after my meeting.” 

“That’s good.” Dowoon forces a smile. 

“Are you ready to leave?” Sungjin asks. 

Younghyun picks at his nails and rolls his eyes slightly. “I honestly regret coming here. Did you know that even if you volunteer to go in, you can’t just leave whenever you want?” 

“It’s better to get the help you need, Younghyun.” 

Dowoon’s lip trembles and he lets out a sigh. “We’ll go on vacation once you’re out. Okay? We can take a break.” 

Younghyun nods and looks to Sungjin. “Does Wonpil know?” 

“Yeah. He’s worried about you.” 

The three continue their visitation time, making small talk. Sungjin and Dowoon can see Younghyun becoming more comfortable as they continue. They all feel a bit sad when a nurse knocks on the door to alert the end of visitation. Younghyun hugs the two, Dowoon softly kissing the side of his head. 

---

Since Sungjin and Dowoon had left, Jae hasn’t been able to sit down. It’s been about an hour now. He wants to sleep but his anxiety won’t let him. He has been fighting a panic attack but fails more and more each minute. His eyesight blurs and he struggles to keep himself standing still. He yells out in frustration and throws a wild punch at the door, cracking the panel and scraping his knuckles. 

Tears fall down his cheeks and he can’t keep his sobs quiet. He continues to hit the door, almost not noticing it open suddenly. His body falls forward into Dowoon’s chest then down to the floor. He curses and punches at the door frame. Dowoon drops to him and grabs his wrists, pushing him back. 

In Jae’s panic, he kicks at Dowoon, hitting him in the thigh. Dowoon holds his breath, trying to control Jae. 

“Jae, what’s wrong? What are you doing?” Dowoon groans in pain as Jae’s foot collides with his stomach. 

“Fuck!” Jae screams out. “No one fucking cares! Just go worry about your fucking boyfriend and my boyfriend will worry about his friend. I’ll continue to be fucking selfish!” 

“Hey, hey, hey- you’re not selfish, Jae. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you-” 

Jae throws his body back and he falls, hitting his head hard on the floor, letting out a pained cry. He suddenly goes quiet and stares at the ceiling. “We all want to fucking die.” 

Dowoon lets Jae’s wrists go and sits on the floor. Jae sits up and takes a few heavy breaths, trying to calm his shaking. He twitches, Dowoon noticing him dig his nails into his leg. 

As Dowoon goes to stop him, Jae jumps forward. Jae grabs Dowoon’s cheek and pulls him closer, colliding their lips together. Dowoon catches himself from falling back onto the floor, his brain fuzzing from shock. He unknowingly places his hand on Jae’s hip, Jae responding by pushing him back to the floor. 

Jae knows what he’s doing but doesn’t want to pull away. He’s wanted to do this for four years but was always too afraid. 

Dowoon digs his fingertips into Jae’s hips. The initial shock has quickly worn off but he doesn’t want Jae to stop himself. He needs this relief after all the stress of the past month. His body shivers as Jae digs his hips forward. They both feel a twinge in their stomach and Dowoon tugs at Jae’s shirt. Part of him is screaming at him to stop but the rest seems to muffle it. 

Jae buries into the crook of Dowoon’s neck, blindly palming him. Dowoon’s head digs into carpet and his mouth begins to dry from panting. Jae’s fingers fumble with the button of Dowoon’s jeans. He wraps his arm around Dowoon’s torso, pulling him back up while still pressed against his neck. 

They stumble their way to Jae’s bed, Dowoon lying down. Jae crawls on top of him, pausing with a wave of guilt. He stares down to Dowoon and chokes up, seeing the other’s dark circles under his eyes. His doubt freezes as Dowoon grabs a tuft of Jae’s hair and pulls him down. Jae blindly pulls the drawer of his bedside table. 

Dowoon quietly and repeatedly reassures Jae that it’s okay to continue, seeing the slight unease on his face. “Listen, I know you want this. I have, too-” 

He is cut off by Jae biting down on his shoulder, causing his breath to hike. Jae slips his thumbs into Dowoon’s jeans and boxers, tugging them down to expose him, Dowoon throwing them off the rest of the way. He does the same for himself, grabbing the condom from the bed. 

Dowoon keeps his eyes closed, waiting for Jae. His pulse and thoughts race but he swallows his guilt away as Jae’s hand wraps gently around his throat. Jae kisses him below his ear, causing him to shiver and twitch his leg up. He relaxes again, letting Jae take him over. 

His muffles himself and arches his back, feeling Jae slowly work his hips into his own. Jae’s grip tightens around his neck, trying to control himself from getting too excited. He keeps a slow pace, keeping his face buried in Dowoon’s shoulder. Dowoon traces his body, stopping and grabbing his hips. Jae gasps in pleasure as Dowoon pulls him closer. 

“Fuck. Don’t-” Dowoon pants. “Don’t stop.” 

Jae slows down but is unable to keep that pace, going out of rhythm as he feels pressure build in his body. His stomach twitches and he pulls away, trembling uncontrollably. He stares down to Dowoon, gently caressing his cheek. Dowoon attempts to catch his breath, the guilt already setting in. 

He covers his face and curses under his breath. Jae moves to the side and fixes himself, watching Dowoon make a quick and silent exit. 

---

Dowoon collapses on his own bed and stares at the ceiling. “Fuck-What did I do?” He whispers to himself. 

There is a soft knock on the door and Dowoon yells for Jae to enter. He sits up and sighs. Jae’s palms sweat as he sits on the bed. 

“I’m sorry- I wasn’t thinking.” Jae says quietly. 

“We can’t tell Younghyun or Sungjin.” Dowoon jumps forward, speaking a mixture of panic and fear. “Please-this needs to stay a secret.” 

Jae looks into his eyes and nods. “I promise. It never happened.” 

---

Younghyun steps out of the meeting room, relieved to hear that he will be released within a few hours. He goes to his room after being given a bag to put the clothes and toiletries the hospital gave him in. As he waits to sign his papers and get his case folder, he picks at the medical tape stuck to his arm.

He called Sungjin to pick him up after realizing he doesn't know Dowoon’s number by memory. The wait is agony so he paces the halls to pass the time since he was excused from his last group session.

Finally, a nurse calls for him to come to the desk so he can sign his papers. When he rounds the corner. Sungjin is standing by the door with a security guard. Younghyun takes his care folder and steps towards his best friend. 

Sungjin smiles and the guard leads them out to the lobby and over to the elevator. Younghyun was only gone for about 3 days but it feels like reality has shifted. He knows everyone is going to treat him differently now. They are going to keep a constant eye on him and ask him if he's alright every chance they can. 

Though, it is supposed to sound nice, he doesn't really want that attention. He'd rather everyone pretend nothing happened so he can forget about it. 

The two get into Sungjin’s car but Sungjin doesn't immediately start the engine. He turns to Younghyun but can't get his words out before he's interrupted. 

"I'm fine- I didn't want to kill myself." Younghyun stresses. 

"I was going to ask if you had eaten yet.." Sungjin turns back and starts the car, carefully reversing from his spot. 

"I had breakfast at 7 but I'm not very hungry. My stomach is all fucked up from anxiety."

"Do you want me to stop for anything?" 

Younghyun sits back in the seat and pulls the seatbelt over his torso once the car begins beeping at him. "A punch in the face?" 

"I can go buy some fireball." 

A smile cracks across Younghyun’s lips and he scoffs. Sungjin returns the smile, happy that his friend is even just somewhat better than when he saw him a few days ago. The rest of the drive is pretty quiet, aside from Younghyun’s favorite music blasting through the speakers. 

---

Dowoon looks up from his phone after there is a knock on the door. He quickly hops up and answers it, nearly collapsing into Younghyun's arms as he sees him. Younghyun drops his bag on the floor by the shoes and walks in. He can already tell Dowoon is acting different with him. 

He sits on the couch, Dowoon following his action. 

"So a vacation, huh?" Younghyun questions. 

"Anywhere you want to go. Don't worry about anything, I can cover it." Dowoon attempts to give a genuine smile but fear and guilt take up with thoughts. 

"I want to go to the beach." 

Dowoon chuckles lightly. "Are you sure? It's a bit cold still. We can. It's not a problem." 

"I haven't been since middle school. I just know it'll be calm there." 

"Of course, baby." He grabs him phone and begins to look up flights. "How about on the 27th? There's a pretty decent first class deal going on and I already have a discount with this airline." 

Younghyun stares at him with wide eyes. "First...class? Not economy?" 

Dowoon suddenly remembers his 'rich' is showing and feels slightly flustered. "Yeah, I-uh, always fly first class. My father's a pilot." 

"I've never even flown anything other than a budget airline." 

Dowoon quickly books the flight and begins to search for hotels. He finds a decent looking one shows Younghyun the pictures. "How's this place look? We'd be getting this king suite." 

"I-jesus..it this what it's like to be spoiled? That's the greatest hotel room I've ever seen!" 

"I'm happy to spoil you." He stands and walks to the kitchen. "Are you hungry or do you want anything to drink?" 

"No-I'm..fine. Eh, maybe a water?" 

Dowoon happily gets him his water and sits beside him once more. Younghyun stares at the Christmas tree that Dowoon and Jae finally put up last night to pass the time. There are many gifts piled around it, most from Dowoon's mother. 

The two cuddle on the couch for a few hours before Younghyun begins to fall asleep. Dowoon practically carries him to his room, tucking him in and wishing him a good night's sleep. 

His shoulders fall and he leans against the wall, staring at Jae's door. He curses himself over and over in his head, lightly beating at his thigh. A gasp escapes his lips as Jae walks from his room. 

"I think I put my shirts in your laundry." Jae says quietly, making his way to Dowoon's room.

Dowoon follows behind, watching Jae dig through the basket on the floor. He's relieved this isn't just a ploy to get the two alone together. 

Jae finds the shirts and sets them to the side. He stares at the carpet, trying to distract himself from his impulsive thoughts. His eyes close and lets out a sigh, hearing the floor creak as Dowoon steps closer. Jae grabs Dowoon’s ankle and trembles slightly. Dowoon stops, keeping his balance the best he can. He watches as Jae shakes, his face turning red as he silently cries. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Jae's voice cracks. "I'm sorry that was everything I had hoped it'd be. I'm sorry that I want more." 

"Younghyun's home." 

"If he wasn't..Are you saying you want to.."

Dowoon lets out a frustrated sigh. “It didn’t happen, Jae.” 

---

Younghun curls a blanket around him and Dowoon puts everyone’s gifts into a pile. After they are all sorted, Dowoon takes his seat beside Younghyun. 

“Uh- we don’t really do an order thing. We usually just...open them. Is that going to bother you?” Dowoon looks to Younghyun. 

“Oh-yeah no, that’s chill. I like that better.” Younghyun replies. 

They all quietly unwrap their gifts, Younghyun feeling awkward as he does so. Despite the fact that he got the other two a gift, he wishes he had gotten more. He looks at one present and smiles, seeing Dowoon’s name in it. 

Before he can grab for it, there is a knock on the door. Dowoon quickly jumps up to answer, inviting a few cold but happy Sungjin. Sungjin carries an armful of presents over to the middle of the group and drops them. He gives Younghyun a warm smile before thumping down beside Jae. 

Jae twitches but kisses Sungjin’s cheek. “We already started.” 

“We all know I’m here for family and food, anyway.” Sungjin replies, wrapping his arm around Jae and resting his head on his shoulder. 

Dowoon clears his throat and looks over to Younghyun. “Hey- open that black bag last.” He scoots the bag away from the boy and places a new gift in his hand. “Here- I’m honestly not sure I remember what else I got you and I’m very scared of what my mom got you.” 

The mood becomes less awkward and everyone begins to enjoy their time together. Jae and Dowoon catch each other’s eyes a few times, making them both suddenly shy. 

After they get done with their gifts, aside from the one bag from Dowoon, everyone gathers in the kitchen to eat. Younghyun attempts to hide his nausea and anxiety, picking at the food in front of him. He can feel Sungjin’s eyes on him, making him eat a bit more. 

He quietly excuses himself and walks around the corner, stopping once out of sight. Before anyone sees him, he pushes into his room. The door doesn’t close as a hand catches it. Dowoon slowly reopens it and walks in, carrying the black bag in his hand. 

“You can open this now.” He smiles, handing it over. 

Younghyun reaches in and pulls out a small box. He sits on the bed while trying to carefully open it. His eyes widen and his brow wrinkles, seeing a silver and bracelet with diamonds around the subtle design of roses. It’s so beautiful, he almost doesn’t want to touch it, let alone know the price. 

“You’re too rich-” Younghyun can’t help but smile, attempting to hide it with his arm. “I love it.” 

Dowoon pulls his sleeve up to show an identical bracelet around his wrist. He reaches for Younghyun’s bracelet, pulling Younghyun’s arm away from his face. His heart aches slightly, feeling the gauze under his sleeve. “I want you to know you’re special to me.” He pushes a sudden flashback to him and Jae. “Keep this on and when you feel sad, I want you to look at it and smile.” His own smile creeps across his lips. “Cheesy as fuck, huh?” 

“I never thought you’d be the type to be cheesy.” 

“I am now.” 

Chapter Text

Younghyun quietly packs his clothes into a suitcase that Dowoon had bought him. The last time he was able to go on any vacation was his senior trip to New York. Sungjin’s family had paid for it and Younghyun forged his father’s signature. Ever since then, he has wanted to travel again. But he misses the beach more than New York. 

He shakes with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. He’s only known Dowoon for a month and is already going on vacation with him. After this, he should tell Dowoon that things are maybe moving a bit too fast. 

There is a light knock on the door, Younghyun yelling to let whoever in. Dowoon walks in and gives a warm smile. 

“We’re gonna leave in an hour, okay?” He looks down to the suitcase, satisfied with Younghyun’s packing. 

Younghyun nods and continues to stuff things into the case. He worries that it’s too heavy, slowly taking things out. 

“What are you doing?” Dowoon raises a brow. 

“It’ll be too heavy for carry-on.” Younghyun blinks, thinking that was obvious. 

He frowns a bit as Dowoon shakes his head, grabbing the pile he took out and placing them back. “It’s not going to be carry-on. You can pack a carry-on if you want, though.” 

“Oh- okay.” Younghyun twitches. “Sorry, I’m just not used to..not caring about-”

“-How expensive things are? Don’t worry, this is a gift, Younghyun.” 

---

Younghyun and Dowoon walk through the airport after going through security. They get there just before group A is called to board. Their tickets are scanned from their phones and they make their way down the corridor. Dowoon happily greets the flight attendant as they walk onto the plane. 

He leads Younghyun to their section. Younghyun coughs in surprise by how nice everything is. For some reason, he didn’t think Dowoon had actually booked first class. They put their carry-ons into the overhead, Younghyun placing his backpack at his feet, and sit down. The seats are more comfortable than Younghyun could have even imagined. He’s so used to plastic seats with gum underneath and sticky tray tables that he forgot planes could look like this. 

“This is my favorite airline because their food is always the best.” Dowoon sits down comfortably in his seat, as if this was his living room. He looks over to Younghyun, who looks awkwardly at the others sitting in the same section. “Hey, do you want the window?” 

Younghyun shakes his head and reaches down to his backpack, pulling a book out and placing it on the tray table. Dowoon looks at the cover, raising a brow and smiling at the fiction novel about forensic science. 

“Do you like her books?” He asks, seeing Younghyun turn and suddenly turn into an excited child. 

“Yes, oh my god. I’ve read all of them. Actually, everything she’s ever written. She is magic with her words.” Younghyun opens the book where he had a piece of paper shoved in to keep his place. “She’s the only person that makes science sound cool to me.” He stares at Dowoon. “No offense?” 

“None taken,” Dowoon laughs, “she actually inspired my degrees.” He sits up and grabs his phone from his lap. “I can get her autograph for you.” 

Younghyun snorts at Dowoon’s joke but watches him type something into his phone. “Dude, there’s no way you’re that rich.” 

Dowoon puts his phone to his ear and waits patiently as Younghyun stares in confusion. “Oh, hey, mom. Real quick- can you sign a few of Younghyun’s books when we get back from our trip? He’s a huge fan.” 

“Aw, of course, dear. I can make a little gift basket for him.”

“WHAT? Are you telling me that your mom is my favorite author? I met her like two weeks ago??” 

Dowoon hangs up and laughs, satisfied with the Younghyun’s reaction. He watches him malfunction by his new knowledge. It’s nice to see Younghyun smile so genuinely. 

As the flight finishes boarding, the two settle down for their long flight. Younghyun buries into his book while Dowoon curls into a blanket. Dowoon quickly falls asleep with one headphone in, his hand softly resting on Younghyun’s thigh. 

---

[My boyfriend - 12:45pm]: want free food and cuddles? 

[Jae is an idiot - 12:57pm]: when would i ever turn that down 

[Jae is an idiot - 12:59pm]: hey what did u change my name in ur phone to

[My boyfriend - 1:00pm]: I <3 Jae 

[Jae is an idiot - 1:02pm]: ok...just wondering 

---

Younghyun follows Dowoon through the airport, towards baggage claim. Once they retrieve their suitcases, they make their way out to the arrival bay. Dowoon had called an Uber as they were walking through the airport. They look around for the car and Dowoon is hit with the sudden awkward realization that he is in America and can’t speak English. 

He looks over to Younghyun and chuckles. “I, uh, don’t speak English.” 

“It’s chill. I do.” Younghyun spots the Uber and greets the driver. 

“When did you learn?” They get in the car and begin their journey to the hotel. 

“My mom moved to Canada after the divorce but since my parents had split custody, she made me see her every summer. It was just easier to learn it so it wasn’t so scary. I know a tiny bit of French, too.” 

“I’m starting to learn you might be smarter than me.” 

---

Younghyun stares in awe at the size of the hotel room. There are two main rooms, one is a living room and the other is the bedroom. The bedroom has a California king, a large TV, and a large window that shows the beach. The living room has a mini fridge completely filled with drinks and a snack bar to its left. Younghyun was always taught to never go near them as he grew up, despite never really staying at a hotel nice enough to have one. 

He holds his breath as Dowoon walks over to it and grabs a can of Coke. Dowoon offers to get him something but Younghyun just stares. 

“It’s expensive, though.” Younghyun hesitates. 

Dowoon grabs him a soda and places it heavily in his palm. “Don’t worry about that.” 

---

Sungjin lays on Dowoon’s couch, his arm wrapped around Jae’s waist. They watch Youtube for a while until Jae can’t concentrate anymore. He sits up and pauses the video, Sungjin looking up to him and questioning him. 

“You know I’m moving in a week, yeah?” Jae sighs. 

“Yeah. Why?” Sungjin feels his chest tighten, wondering if Jae is planning to break up. 

Jae looks to his feet and begins to cry. His body trembles as Sungjin waits patiently for him to respond. “I-I fucked up again.” 

Sungjin quickly sits up and wraps his arm around Jae’s shoulders as Jae buries his face in his hands. “Hey, it’s okay, Jae. Did you relapse? What happened?”

Jae shakes his head and curses at himself. “No, I’m sorry. I haven’t taken my medicine in a month and my fucked up brain acted on my worst impulse.” 

“What did you do?” 

“I cheated on you.” 

Sungjin’s face numbs and his heart feels like it’s being squeezed. Tears well in his eyes but he refuses to blink. He stares at Jae, pulling away to not show his shaking. Nausea creeps up his body and his cheeks heat. 

“Why..” He whimpers. “Why didn’t you just leave me?” 

“I don’t want to leave you!” Jae yells out. He’s not yelling at Sungjin. He’s yelling at himself. “I fucking hate myself and I didn’t want to keep it from you.” 

“Who?” 

Jae digs his nails into his thighs and attempts to calm his hyperventilation. He hesitates, his eyes fixated on the dented spot on the wall. “Dowoon.” 

“Are you fucking serious?” Sungjin jumps up, suddenly feeling anger boil. “You mean the boy that is in fucking Hawaii with his boyfriend? My fucking best friend? I’m going to kill him.” He begins to pace around the room, pissed that Dowoon is enjoying his vacation when he did something so horrible. “What did he do? Did he fucking remember he is a fucking whore and decided to fuck everyone over?”

“No, Sungjin. He-didn’t do anything. It was my fault.” 

“Does Younghyun fucking know?” 

Jae shakes his head and Sungjin immediately reaches for his phone on the side table. “Wait-” He stands and grabs Sungjin’s arm, trying to pull him away. “Please just wait.” 

Sungjin lets his anger take over. He turns around and roughly shoves Jae in the chest, causing him to fall to the floor. His vision blurs as he attempts to find Younghyun’s contact. Before he can hit the call button, Jae smacks the phone out of his grip. 

“Fucking what?” Sungjin grabs Jae’s wrist. 

“Fuck. My wrist is still healing.” Jae winces, prying Sungjin’s hand off. “Please, just wait. Dowoon is going to tell him.” 

“He’s fucking moving back home to be with Dowoon like a fucking moron.” He slowly calms his breath but his hands still shake. “I can forgive you, Jae but Dowoon is able to control himself. I know he knows how to control your impulses. He wanted to do it.” 

"You forgive me?" 

Sungjin’s lip twitches and he lets out a scoff. "Don't think too much about that." 

He picks his phone back up and gathers the rest of his things, making a nauseatingly quick exit. As soon as the door slams shut, Jae's vision blurs. The floor sways under his feet and he attempts not to puke. His face numbs as he stumbles down the hall to his bedroom. He pushes the door open and collapses himself to the floor. 

Through his forming tears, he crawls to the closet, pulling out that old wooden box. Inside, still lay the needles he promised Sungjin to get rid of..and a small bag that Younghyun also promised to replace. 

"Fuck it.." 

---

Younghyun and Dowoon had waited for the sun to go down a bit more to walk to the beach. Stars are just starting to form in the sky and only a few people are still out. 

The two walk close to the shore. Dowoon sits in the sand and Younghyun continues towards the water. The tide slowly crashes on his feet. For the first time in years, he feels completely calm. The faint sounds of people celebrating at a restaurant nearby is much nicer than college kids screaming at the bar downtown from the dorm. Here, Younghyun is in his own world. One he’s only ever dreamed of.

Dowoon watches him play around and look for seashells. He doesn’t regret taking Younghyun on this trip. Younghyun’s probably never had anyone treat him like this. Not that Sungjin and his family haven’t treated him well, but in Dowoon’s mind, a family and a meal on the table is what everyone should have. Sure he’s always had more than everyone else but he’s not oblivious to the rest of the world. 

He looks up as Younghyun runs over. The boy flops beside him and stares at the ocean with glittering eyes. 

“This place is beautiful.” He smiles brightly. “I want to have a home by the beach. Not sure how I’ll do it without a degree but I’ll figure it out.” 

The two close their eyes when a large gust of wind blows loose sand in their face. Younghyun enjoys the sudden rush of sea water misting towards him. He laughs and moves to lay his head on Dowoon’s lap. The air is beginning to cool and Younghyun feels his stomach growl. 

“You hungry?” Dowoon looks down to him, Younghyun nodding. “Let’s get some food. Do you want to order something online or see what’s at the hotel?” 

Younghyun hops up on his knees and gasps in excitement. “Do you think there’s a noodle place around here?” 

“You want noodles?” He laughs. “I mean, we can be lazy tonight then. Tomorrow we will go out and eat something more local.”

Younghyun agrees and they slowly start their walk back to the hotel. Dowoon finds a Korean noodle place and lets Younghyun order what he wants. 

They eat and decide to cuddle on the bed for the rest of the night. Younghyun rests his head on Dowoon’s chest, Dowoon playing with his hair. He wonders if he’s moving too fast. They’ve only known each other for a little over a month. He doesn’t want Younghyun to think he’s really a bad person. 

He feels a lump form in his throat as he remembers he has to confess to Younghyun about what he did with Jae. But he really doesn’t want to ruin his vacation. As much as he wants to stay awake, jet lag is really killing his energy. Younghyun tells him to go to sleep.

Dowoon crawls under the blanket and nuzzles into his pillow. Within minutes, he’s snoring. Younghyun smiles down to him, feeling his chest ache by his peaceful slumber. His lip twitches as he grabs his phone and turns the screen on, staring down at the text he received once he came off the plane. 

[Sungjin - 3:34pm]: I’m sorry but..dowoon cheated on you..

Younghyun feels his throat tighten and he holds his breath as he rushes to the bathroom. His breath becomes choppy as he is unable to keep himself from crying. He sits on the floor and buries his head into his knees, finally allowing himself to break down. 

He wants to be mad at Dowoon but he’s not really surprised. It’s not that Dowoon is a bad person, but Younghyun has always seen himself as disposable. He wishes he had the backbone to tear Dowoon apart but instead he cries into his own lap. For a moment, the room seems like a black hole. Younghyun almost wouldn’t be surprised if he woke up suddenly in his bed. 

He’s able to get himself to stand back up, staring at his now blotchy complexion in the mirror. To hide his crying, he splashes his face with cold water. He sniffles before walking back out to the bedroom. 

His body jumps as he sees Dowoon sitting up, picking at his lip. He steps closer, suddenly feeling a rush of confidence. 

“Who was it?” Younghyun bites but flinches at his own words, already regretting his confrontation. “Who did you-”

Dowoon stares over, realizing, to his horror, that Younghyun already knows. “Jae.” 

Younghyun feels an imaginary punch to his chest and he can’t breathe once again. He wanted to be wrong. He wanted Sungjin to be wrong. 

He attempts to speak but only a hiccup of a cry comes out. His body drops to the floor and he lets out a heart wrenching sob. He digs his nails into the carpet, tears falling from his cheeks. 

“What did I do wrong?” He finally yells out. “How did I fuck up so badly that you turned your back on me, too?” 

Dowoon carefully goes over to him, resting his hand on Younghyun’s back. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I fucked up.” 

Younghyun quickly sits up on his knees and swings at Dowoon. His fist collides with his cheek, making him fall back. Dowoon places his hand over the wound as he reminds himself it was deserved. 

"Why.." Younghyun crawls into Dowoon's lap, clawing at his shirt, his tears staining the fabric. "Why am I so fucking unlovable?" 

Dowoon wraps his arms tightly around Younghyun. “You are lovable. I love you, Younghyun. It’s not your fault.”

“Why did you even bring me here?” 

Dowoon hushes him, softly petting the back of his head. “Because I thought you deserved a break. I didn’t think I would have done this to you. I wanted you to be happy.” 

Younghyun pulls away and sniffles, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “Ha. You learned today that I’m really good at faking it.” 

“I wish I knew how to apologize enough.”

“So, what do you want to do, now? Are we done? Are you leaving me?” 

Dowoon stops petting him, moving his hand to Younghyun’s back, grabbing a tuft of his hoodie. “That’s not up to me. I love you, Younghyun, I don’t want to leave. But I don’t want you to not trust me.” 

“I don’t blame you for cheating. At least with Jae. You’ve known him for years and you mean a lot to each other.” Younghyun stares into space as he talks. “I’ve been thinking about this all day. I want to forgive you. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ve never had someone else treat me so well. But then I wonder if I’d be using you. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want this to be a stupid college romance. I’ve already dropped my classes for the spring. Because you are my escape.” 

“You’re not a college romance to me. I want to be your escape. You aren’t using me. It’s your decision. If you don’t want to go, I can talk to my landlord and see if you can take over the lease. Or..I don’t know..I just assumed things, moved too fast and then fucked it all up. “

Younghyun buries his face in his hand. “Please don’t leave me.” 

Dowoon tightens his hug, softly kissing the top of Younghyun’s head. “I won’t.” He whispers. “I don’t want to hurt you again.” 

---

The flight back to Korea is quiet. Younghyun distracts his thoughts with reading. The plane is landing in Incheon, Younghyun planning to visit a few people for the night they are staying there. Dowoon plans to drive back late at night, since his car is parked in the airport lot. 

They finally arrive and Dowoon watches Younghyun comfortably navigate the airport, almost forgetting he is used to flying. He really wishes he knew how to read minds so he could know what Younghyun is thinking. They didn’t talk at all the entire flight and he seems to still be ignoring him. 

Younghyun finally speaks, only to give Dowoon an address. Then he buries himself into his phone. He kinda phases out of reality for about an hour, only looking up when Dowoon hits a speed bump out of nowhere.

He laughs and side eyes Dowoon, who is grimacing slightly. “That speed bump is always a killer. It means we’re almost there.” 

Dowoon lets out an awkward chuckle, hoping the scraping he heard didn’t do too much damage. He sees a small apartment building in the distance, assuming that is the destination. 

“You’ll have to go down the alley to get to the parking lot.” Younghyun points. 

They make it to the lot and Dowoon parks in what seems to be the only free spot he could find. Younghyun gets out and stretches, staring up at the familiar building. Every year, it seems to become more and more run down. 

He brushes off his nostalgia and treads forward, careful not to slip on the ice. Dowoon follows his stride but not so gracefully. Younghyun turns around after hearing a thud and a groan. He can’t help but laugh as Dowoon quickly attempts to get back on his feet. Dowoon’s face turns pink and he hushes Younghyun, rushing over to him as carefully as possible. 

Younghyun goes up to a door and Dowoon expects him to knock. Instead, he puts in the pin-code and opens it right up. 

“Mama! Are you home?” Younghyun yells out to the apartment. 

He takes his shoes off and rushes to the living room, Dowoon awkwardly doing the same. A woman looks up from her book and widens her eyes in surprise. 

“Younghyun! My baby!” She jumps up, wrapping her arms around him. “How have you been? Is Sungjin still annoying you? Oh-” She notices the boy hiding behind Younghyun. “Who is this?” 

“Ah, mama. This is-uh,” he pauses, realizing he hasn’t come out to her, “my friend Dowoon. We met on campus.” 

“Welcome, Dowoon. Younghyun is my second son.” She lovingly pats Younghyun’s cheek. 

Dowoon tilts his head in confusion and looks at the woman, snapping out of his stare to bow to her. “I thought, uh, your mom lived in Canada..” 

Younghyun twitches slightly, his smile fading a bit. “My real mother does. This is Sungjin’s mom.” 

“Oh, speaking of your brother-” The woman rushes out of the room, disappearing down the hall. She comes back, holding a gift bag. “Give this to him. He couldn’t get Christmas off this year so I was going to ship it but kept forgetting.” 

“Of course, mama. I’d love to stay but we need to drive back and I want to visit Wonpil.” Younghyun begins to awkwardly play with his hoodie, hoping the woman didn’t see his scabs when he thoughtlessly went to push up his sleeve. “I’ll come see you more often, okay? I promise.” 

Younghyun turns and pushes Dowoon back to the front door. Dowoon blinks in confusion, expecting Younghyun to visit a bit longer. They go down to the car, Dowoon not sure if he should say anything. 

He gets Wonpil’s address and begins his journey to a neighborhood about 15 minutes away. The drive isn’t anything special, except Dowoon immediately forgetting about that damn speed bump. 

“God damn it, I swear I’m not a goldfish.” He hits his palm to his forehead. 

“Goldfish actually have decent memory, so you’re worse.” Younghyun replies simply. 

After a while, Dowoon pulls into a much bigger parking lot for a much nicer and wellkept apartment building. This place looks like it might only have four floors, each filled with its own flat. A completely different experience from where Younghyun apparently grew up. 

Younghyun again leads the way up to the second floor, this time knocking and waiting. There are a few screams from children and a voice yelling over them, getting closer to the door. A familiar boy answers and stares in slight shock. 

Wonpil jumps into Younghyun’s arms and hugs him tightly. He hasn’t heard from him or anyone else since he was in the hospital. “What are you doing here?” 

“I wanted to visit you.” He looks down to see a little girl, who looks around three, hugging Wonpil’s leg. “We’re going back tonight but it’s gonna be another week before we come up here.” 

Wonpil invites the two in. Dowoon looks around at all the toys thrown around the floor. The girl that was attached to Wonpil’s leg goes back to her toys and twin sister. At the other end of the room, there is a baby trying to grab her bottle after dropping it out of her playpen. There is only a split second before the room is filled with a scream. Wonpil turns around with insane speed, running over to grab the bottle and to scoop the girl into his arms. 

He gives her the bottle, bouncing softly to soothe her. Younghyun walks over to maybe try to help. A door down the hall opens and a woman about the same age as Wonpil emerges. She takes the baby and kisses Wonpil’s cheek before silently going back to her room. 

“This is why I refuse to have children.” Younghyun laughs as Wonpil gives him an exhausted look.

“You have children?” Dowoon asks. “How old are you?” 

“25. A little life advice-” Wonpil pauses and lowers his voice. “Don’t get a girl pregnant. Ever. She might have twins and then stay to make another hell demon.” 

Dowoon blinks and points to himself. “Gay.” He points to Younghyun. “Boyfriend.” 

Wonpil points to Younghyun. “Pan. Don’t have kids.”

---

Dowoon and Younghyun walk into the apartment and instantly shiver. The heat is off. Dowoon scrambles to turn it on, wondering why Jae would turn it off in the first place. Younghyun walks to his room and closes the door, not bothering to change from his jeans before flopping onto the bed. 

Dowoon knocks on Jae’s door to let him know they are back but gets no response. He quietly opens the door, flicking the light on. Jae lays on the ground, his knees curled to his chest and hugging a pillow tightly to his stomach. Dowoon slowly walks towards him. He places his hand on Jae’s arm, shocked to feel him covered in sweat. 

“Jae?” He shakes him until he sees him twitch. “Hey, wake up. Are you okay?” 

Jae’s eyes flicker open and he stares up to Dowoon, flinching back suddenly. “What? What’s wrong?”

“That’s what I’m asking you. Why are you on the floor?”

“It was too hot on the bed.” 

Dowoon raises a bow and shakes his head in disbelief. “Jae, it’s freezing in here.” He looks around, seeing a familiar orange cap by Jae’s feet. His mouth falls open and he grabs it, waving it in Jae’s face. “Are you fucking serious?” 

“Sungjin broke up with me.” Jae stares past Dowoon, at Younghyun’s room, pulling the pillow closer. “I see Younghyun’s here. Glad you’re still together.” 

“Did you take your medicine?” Dowoon reaches to his nightstand, grabbing a medicine bottle.

“Wasn’t reminded.” 

Dowoon stands and walks out towards the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. He goes back to Jae’s room and shoves the water in Jae’s face. “Here. Take it and go to fucking bed. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” 

With that, he walks out, slamming Jae’s door shut and going to his room. He collapses face first into his bed and lets out a few curses before attempting to fall asleep. 

Chapter Text

Dowoon greets Jae as the boy comes into the living room, sitting on the couch. The two sit quietly for a few minutes, Jae picking at his fingernails in anxiety. 

“You’re important to me, Jae.” Dowoon begins. “I don’t want to think that you aren’t. You always will be. I don’t want you to think that I’m choosing Younghyun over you. You’re my best friend.”

“I know that, I just-I guess I felt ignored. I don’t blame Younghyun, in fact, I ignored myself to make sure he was okay. I don’t know. I just don’t want to seem selfish.” Jae winces quietly as he rips a piece of skin from his finger. 

Dowoon looks over to him and sighs. “Jae. You’re the least selfish person I know. I’m sorry for ignoring you and- I know I stopped reminding you about your medication. I guess I thought you were able to remind yourself again. I see now that wasn’t true. It’s not your fault. But I wish you would have texted or called me before you relapsed.” 

Jae bites the inside of his mouth to keep himself from tearing up. “That was better in my mind than what I really wanted to do.” He meets Dowoon’s stare. “I called therapists in Incheon. I was able to schedule something on February 19th.” 

"Good..I'm glad you're going to stay in therapy. I mean-if you hadn't done it, I would have made you."

The two look up to the front door as it opens. Jae’s stomach twists as Sungjin walks into the living room, staring over to the two. Younghyun closes the door and walks over, standing next to Sungjin. 

"I don't even want to be here right now and I want to punch Dowoon in the face but whatever." Sungjin glares at Dowoon. 

Dowoon stands and shrugs. "Go ahead." He lets out a groan as Sungjin’s fist collides with his cheek. "Fuck-" 

"You're a fucking moron, Dowoon."

"Please, don't fight right now.." Everyone looks over to Jae, seeing him shake in surprise and anxiety. "Why are you here, Sungjin.." 

Sungjin sighs and calms himself down. "I'm sorry, Jae. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you, that you felt ignored. I still care about you and I trust you but I need a break. We can try things again later on but I need some time. I don't live in Incheon anymore so I won't be back unless it's a holiday. Do you understand that?" 

Jae stares up and slowly nods, trying to hide his eyes beginning to water. "Yeah. I understand. It's fair." 

"Dowoon." Sungjin turns to Dowoon and steps into his face. "If you ever hurt Younghyun again, I will track you down and no one will find your body." 

"Sungjin-" Younghyun pushes Sungjin away. "It's fine." 

Sungjin rolls his eyes and backs off, walking back to the front door. He stops and turns back to the couch. "Jae-Do you want to come over one last time?" 

Jae slowly stands, making his way over to Sungjin. "Please.." 

"I'm going to pretend I don't see that mark on your arm, too." 

The two quietly make their exit. Younghyun sits on the couch beside Dowoon, lowering his head. Without a word, he crawls into Dowoon's lap and wraps his arms around his torso. Dowoon smiles softly and begins to play with Younghyun’s hair. 

He feels Younghyun's body tremble but doesn't say anything. He knows it's not from the confrontation because he's seen Jae this way too 4 years ago. Though it hurts to see him suffer through this, he's glad Younghyun is getting better again.

Younghyun attempts to control his shivers but they just get more violent. This is his least favorite part about withdrawals. He can handle getting sick and the headaches but nothing helps the shivering. 

He tightens his hug around Dowoon and muffles into his shirt. 

"What?" Dowoon looks down to him. 

Younghyun pulls off slightly. "I love you." 

A smile cracks across Dowoon’s lips and he pets Younghyun’s head. "I love you, too." 

---

The next morning, Dowoon walks down the hall to Jae's door, ready to remind him to take his medicine. He knocks gently at first before opening the door, knowing Jae will be asleep still. His brows furrow as he sees the room empty. 

Jae's phone lays on the bed. He wonders if Jae forgot it when he went to Sungjin's and just stayed the night. Dowoon gets his phone out from his pocket and texts Sungjin. 

[Dowoon - 9:13am]: hey did Jae stay the night? He forgot his medicine.

[Sungjin - 9:15am]: no he walked home at like 9 last night

[Sungjin - 9:16am]: he..came home right..

[Dowoon - 9:17am]: no..

Dowoon’s heart begins to pound but he calms it, telling himself that Jae probably went out for a bit and will be back. His brain goes wild with theories and Dowoon just decides to go look for him. There would only be a few places Jae would be. The campus is closed still so he knows he wouldn't be at the library. 

He sends a text to Younghyun saying he'll be back before rushing out the door. Again, he tries to tell himself that everything is fine, he's just overreacting. 

He drives to the skate park but doesn't see anyone at all. It's completely empty. His next stop is the game shop at the plaza but they don't open for another hour. Dowoon begins to drive around, hoping to see Jae walking around town. 

[Younghyun - 9:39am]: everything good?

[Dowoon - 9:45am]: have you seen Jae…

[Younghyun - 9:47am]: no he didnt come back last night but i went to sleep around 3.. i assume hes with sungjin 

[Dowoon - 9:50am]: hes not

He continues his search for a few more hours before filing a report with the police. They tell him that they will keep him updated but Dowoon feels as if they aren't being serious enough, only asking for a description and not even a photo.

Dowoon sits in his car back at home, his arm stretched across the steering wheel and his head down. He shakily holds his phone to his ear and waits. 

"Hello? Dowoon, what's wrong." His mother picks up and hears him quietly sniffling. 

"Mom..Jae's missing..I can't find him. I went to the police and they said they'll search but I don't know. I looked everywhere." Dowoon's voice trembles as he speaks through his tears. "Oh god, what if something happened to him? Sungjin said he walked home last night but he never came back." 

"Oh, sweetheart, it's okay. You'll find him. Just listen to the police and everything will be okay. Keep me updated, though. I want to know when he's home safe." 

"..what if he doesn't come back.." he whimpers.

"He will, babydoll. Go and relax, take a shower and have some tea. Mama loves you, okay? I have to go but don't be afraid to call me anytime." 

"Okay..I love you, too.." 

He hangs up and drops the phone to his lap, burying his face in his hands. How can he relax when the person he cares about the most is missing? 

He finds the strength to get out of the car after it gets too cold to handle. Younghyun looks up from the couch, jumping up as he sees Dowoon’s red cheeks. 

Dowoon can't help but cry again, grabbing Younghyun and pulling him closer. He hugs him tightly, trying to catch his breath. "I can't lose him.." 

Younghyun wants to comfort him but fears he already knows what happened. So he just holds Dowoon until he's ready to pull off. Dowoon wobbles to the kitchen and notices something on the table. It's an envelope sat on top of all the other mail. He grabs it and rips it open. There is a handwritten letter stuffed inside. His hands shake as he reads it. 

Thank you for taking care of me..I'm sorry I have to run away again. I'm sorry if you find me and I'm not me anymore. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I disappointed you. You were my best friend and you always will be. Tell your mom she's amazing and tell my sister that I'm at peace. Tell Sungjin thank you for all the good times we had and that I love him...I hope you don't hate me for this. I hope you don't blame yourself for this. I'm the only one that has to deal with my demons. And they decided to take me over. I wish I could have been there longer but I want you to promise that you'll be the best scientist in the world. I love you, Dowoon. 

     -Jae

"No.." Dowoon crumples the paper in his hand and cries out. "No god, please.."

Younghyun walks over, a lump forming in his throat. He doesn't know what the note says but he knows what it means. His stomach twists as Dowoon forces himself to sit so as to not pass out. 

"God...please tell me there's still time.." Dowoon buries into his arms, whispering to himself. "Jae..please come back..You can't be gone. You can't.."

He grabs his phone as it begins to ring. The number doesn't look familiar but he answers it anyway. It's the police station. They ask him to come down to answer a few questions. He dries his tears and agrees before hanging up. 

Younghyun volunteers to drive him. Without a word, Dowoon stands, still clutching the paper in his hand, and walks to the front door. They don't speak or listen to the radio as they make their way to the station. 

Dowoon gets out and walks into the building while Younghyun waits in the car. A woman greets Dowoon and he croaks out the reason why he's here. She nods and walks over to two officers at desks behind her. 

They greet Dowoon politely before asking him to come to an interview room. Everyone sits down, one officer placing a folder onto the table. 

"When was the last time you saw Jaehyung?" The man speaks with authority but stays polite. “Had he ever talked about taking his own life before?”

"I saw him yesterday." Dowoon answers. "Around 3. He went to our friend's house but that friend said he walked home around 9." He finally lets go of the letter but doesn't hand it to the officers. "I think he might have done something to himself." 

"Mr. Yoon, we did a sweep of the area, we believe we found him at the walking trail behind the campus. We have some photos here, so we need you to tell us if you recognize this person." The man opens the folder. "This may be difficult for you, so we want to know if you will be okay with the pictures we are about to show you." 

Dowoon nods and grabs the folder as it's slid across the table to him. He stares down at the photos, one is from the scene and the other at what seems to be a morgue. Dowoon’s vision darkens and the room begins to spin. 

He yells loudly, throwing the folder hard against the wall. The room fills with his screams as the two officers try to calm him down. He thrashes his body away from them, stumbling into the wall and dropping to the ground. His throat tightens as he gags. He cries out again, beating at his thigh as he sees the photos laying beside him. 

The officers help him to his feet, bringing him back to the chair. One of them leaves to get Dowoon some water and a blanket. 

"Can...uh..my boyfriend is in the car.." Dowoon chops out. 

"Do you want one of us to get him?" The man pats his shoulder as Dowoon nods and walks out. 

The other officer comes back and wraps the blanket around his back. Dowoon just stares at the ground, trying to keep himself from puking. The more he thinks about everything, the more he shakes. 

He's gone...He can't be gone...No, those photos can't be him..

His body heats in anger, not at Jae but with himself. He yells out once more before apologizing to the officer as they clean up the papers from the floor.

The door opens again and Younghyun steps inside. His chest aches as Dowoon stares up at him, his face pale and stained with tears. He rushes over to him and pulls him into a hug. He doesn’t need to be told what happened, he just wants to comfort Dowoon. 

"I can't leave..I can't. Fuck, I can't breathe." Dowoon hiccups. "I need to call mom.." 

The officers allow the two some privacy as Dowoon calls his mom and Younghyun texts Sungjin.

[Younghyun - 2:28pm]: they found him..

[Sungjin - 2:29pm]: is he okay?? 

[Younghyun - 2:30pm]: no im sorry..

[Sungjin - 2:31pm]: what..do you mean..why..

[Sungjin - 2:32pm]: younghyun please..

"Dowoon, are there any updates?" His mother answers, excusing herself from her meeting. 

"Mom..Jae's.." Dowoon whispers, not wanting to say the words. "He's gone.." 

"What happened? Did the police not find him?" 

"No! He..fuck..he killed himself." Just saying that out loud forces Dowoon to gag again. He drops the phone on the table and doubles over, throwing up the water he just drank. He weakly picks the phone back up. 

His mother stays quiet for a moment, her eyes watering as she processes everything. "I'm coming over. Give me 2 hours, okay? Is Younghyun with you?"

"Yeah..I uh okay..I'll see you later." 

He hangs up and meets eyes with Younghyun. Younghyun, rests his hand on Dowoon’s thigh. 

"My mom and I are all he had. We did everything for him and never complained. I woke him up every morning for class and gave him his meds. He never left me home alone if he knew I couldn't be with my friends or had someone over. I didn't know I was putting him through hell." 

"You weren't. He knew you took care of him, Dowoon. He was thankful for you and your mom." Younghyun reassures him. 

"He gave my mom power of attorney..that's how much he trusted us. What's worse is that I don't think his parents will even know or care.." 

There is a soft knock on the door and the officer pokes his head in. He tells them that they are free to leave whenever. Dowoon nods, pushing the blanket off his body. He stands and silently makes his exit, Younghyun following after thanking the man. 

-

Dowoon walks into the apartment and feels how empty it is. Not because everything is packed in boxes, but because it's missing someone. 

He goes down to Jae's room and pushes in. He sits on the bed, grabbing the boy's phone and switching it on. The two knew each other's passwords so he types it in with ease. He lets out a hard sigh before searching through it. 

At first, he looks at the boy's pictures, smiling at the obnoxious amount of cat photos. In his camera roll, there is a picture of Jae and Dowoon on a hiking trip. The two are standing at the top of the mountain, smiling at their feat. Dowoon then moves to his notes app. It's mostly filled with reminders and tv shows he promised Dowoon he was going to watch. There is one note filled with journal entries, explaining his day and what he promises to do the next. Dowoon remembers Jae's therapist telling him to create the log. It never really helped him since the entries stop about a week later. 

Dowoon finally clicks into his messages. There are missed texts from Sungjin that he refuses to click on. He continues to scroll, seeing Dowoon’s, Younghyun's, and his cousin's contacts. There is one contact that catches his eye and he looks at the messages. The way Jae and this person texted reminds him of siblings. He assumes that this may be his sister. 

He shakily pulls up the keyboard and begins to type a message to them. 

[Big bro - 3:12pm]: Hey, I don't know if this is Jae's sister but this is Dowoon, Jae's roommate..I'm really sorry but Jae passed away this morning. You two seem close from your messages so I wanted to let you know. I'm sorry this isn't a phone call but I don’t have the strength to speak right now..

[Baby Park - 3:15pm]: what...oh god..what happened..we just talked on the phone yesterday..he would have told me he was sick..our cousin's in jail so i know he didn't overdose..

[Big bro - 3:18pm]: he took his life...he wanted you to know that he's at peace and that he loves you. I can send you my address if you want to come over and talk..

[Baby Park - 3:20pm]: yeah...I have the address..he gave it to me when i moved up to Seoul last year...I'll let you know when im close..

[Baby Park - 3:21pm]: thank you dowoon

Dowoon sets the phone back down and walks out to the living room as he hears the front door open. He walks out to see Sungjin staring at him. The two run to the other, colliding into each other’s arms. Sungjin holds Dowoon tightly as the boy breaks down. 

"It's okay, I'm sorry." Sungjin muffles into Dowoon’s shoulder. "Just breathe." 

"How can I breathe? He's gone!" Dowoon claws at Sungjin's coat, his legs giving out underneath him. 

Sungjin carefully lowers him to the floor, resting his back on the wall. Dowoon silently cries, bringing his knees to his chest. He can’t move away. This is where he and Jae had so many memories. But he doesn’t want to turn this job down or for Younghyun to be disappointed. The fuck with them..Jae is more important..

He thinks back to all the red flags Jae gave him. For years, he’s hinted at wanting to die but Dowoon was too blind to see it. He should have known to watch him more carefully when he went to the hospital for a week their freshman year. The two were supposed to go to LA together to see where Jae grew up. Dowoon always procrastinated it because he was so focused on his studies. 

Sungjin sits beside Dowoon and cradles him. He wonders if this is partially his fault. Was the breakup what sent him over the edge? He never wanted Jae to leave forever. He was hoping to have the relationship fixed before spring. Jae was supposed to stay in therapy and be more open about his issues. Sungjin wants to cry more but can’t. As soon as he found out he didn’t stop, hoping it was just a horrible prank or that Jae just simply ran away, again. He doesn’t blame Jae, he’s always struggled. But he does blame himself. He blames Dowoon. But he can’t be mad at Dowoon, either. He wasn’t aware things would turn out like this. 

Everyone sits quietly, unable to move or speak for hours. Dowoon’s stomach has growled a few times but he’s too nauseous to eat. Younghyun sits on the couch, bouncing his leg anxiously. He wonders if his overdose is what triggered Jae to do this. If he caused a knee jerk reaction. He knows Jae was stressed but he would have never guessed that this would happen. 

The three jump as there is a knock on the door. Dowoon stands up to answer it. Two women stand in front of him, a stranger and his mother. 

“Mom-” He collapses into his mother’s chest. She pulls him up and cups his cheeks. He can tell she’s been crying but has tried her best to conceal it. 

“It’s going to be okay, sweetheart.” She hugs him tightly. 

Dowoon steps back and sniffles, looking to the woman to the left. “Hey, thank you for coming.” He lets the two inside and closes the door. “Mom, this is Jae’s sister.” 

“Hi,” The girl greets herself, bowing politely, “I’m sorry, I look like a mess but-” 

“You’re okay, honey. I appreciate you being here. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jae has told us so many stories about you. I hope you’re doing well in Seoul.” She wraps her arms around the girl. 

Dowoon offers the recliner to his mother and the open seat on the couch to Jae’s sister. They sit down, Dowoon not even making it half way into the room before he lowers himself to the ground. Sungjin moves to sit below Younghyun. 

"You don't have to answer this but-" Jae's sister speaks quietly, "how did he-" 

She looks to Dowoon, who lowers his head. "He-he, uh, slit his wrists.." 

Everyone watches as Sungjin stands and runs down the hall, slamming the bathroom door shut. They hear him wretch out painfully as he throws up. 

"Is that Sungjin?" Her lip twitches as they all nod. "I'm sorry.." 

Younghyun gets up and goes to check on Sungjin. He walks in, to see Sungjin leaning against the tub, sobbing into his hands. Younghyun sits in front of him, rubbing the side of his leg for comfort. 

"Why? This is all my fault." Sungjin whimpers. 

"Hey, no, it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault." Younghyun stares over, wishing he knew how to comfort anybody. 

Sungjin uses the tub to push himself to his feet, making his way back to the living room. He stares at Dowoon before rushing over. Dowoon flinches slightly, expecting to get hit. 

"Is there a note?" Sungjin’s voice trembles. "Did he leave a fucking note?"

"It's on the table.." Dowoon whispers. 

Sungjin walks to the kitchen, Dowoon closing his eyes as he silently reads it. He hears footsteps coming towards him. His back is thrown to the floor and he feels a grip tighten around his throat. He doesn't fight, secretly hoping his neck will snap from the weight. 

Younghyun tries to pull Sungjin off, surprised when Sungjin grabs him instead, pulling him forward by his shirt. 

"Don't act like you fucking care! You've never cared about anyone but yourself!" 

Younghyun stares with his jaw dropped as Sungjin pushes him away. His eyes water as he scoots himself back to the couch. 

"That's enough!" Everyone freezes and looks to Dowoon's mother as she yells out. She stands, pulling Sungjin up by his collar. "We are all here because we lost a piece of our family. Yes, it's heartbreaking and it makes you want to tear the world apart to avenge him but that won't make anyone feel better. Do you think I want to go down to the god damn hospital to tell them to take my son to the funeral home so he can be cremated? Do you think any of us want to be here right now going through this? If there is one thing I know Jae hates, it's violence. So why are you fighting?" 

The room is silent. Sungjin stares in shock, before burying himself in Dowoon’s chest. Dowoon shakily wraps his arms around him. 

"I'm sorry.." Sungjin muffles. 

"Everyone should be apologizing to Jae. There is no use kicking and screaming at each other." Dowoon’s mother stands and grabs her purse. She looks over to Jae's sister. "I would like it if you came with me so we can talk about funeral arrangements." 

"Yes, ma'am." The girl replies softly before following her out the door. 

---

Jae shoves his hands in his pockets as he walks along the walking trail. He used to come here all the time in between classes to clear his mind. 

His fingers play with a box cutter blade he took from Dowoon's utility knife. He wishes he felt guilty for what he is going to do. He wishes that sleeping made the thoughts go away again. But here he is. 

No one comes out here in the winter so he doesn't hide himself for the moment. It's going to be awful for the poor person that finds him. 

He walks up to a rock and slides down beside it. This is where he would always sit and think. His initials are still scratched into the bottom of it, to remind him that this is where his peace is. 

He pauses- this..this is where he finds his peace. 

A broken sigh escapes his lips as he pulls the blade from his pocket. It dances between his fingers and catches the sun. This is his last chance to back out. 

His hands tremble from both emotions and the cold. He hopes this will finally work..he's tired of taking handfuls of pills before bed and waking up sluggish and defeated. Not even jumping in front of a car worked. All he got was a broken foot and a scraped cheek. 

But this...if he does it right ..he'll be gone..

Tears well in his eyes as he places the blade to his wrist. He looks away, making the first slash. He lets out an anguished cry, doubling over into himself from the pain. The second time is easier. 

His body already begins to numb and shake as he watches his jeans stain red. He drops the blade into the grass and gasps in shock. He..he did it. 

No..fuck..

Dowoon…

Jae stands, his vision blurring as he attempts to run down the path. His head spins and he collapses to the gravel. He claws as the rocks, watching them turn from grey to crimson. His body twitches as it cools. 

His eyes flicker and the sounds of nature muffle around him. He lets out a few chopped breathes before they finally stop. Everything turns black and he lays still.

Chapter Text

“Alright everybody, we are going to do everyone’s least favorite thing. Ice breakers.” The professor walks to the front of the classroom, staring at all the first year students. “I want everyone to grab a partner. You’re going to each get a piece of paper and go out to the hallway. There are questions and prompts taped against the walls for you to ask your partner the answers to and vice versa. Afterwards, you are going to come back in and introduce your partner. Everyone understand?” 

The class lets out a grumble of agreement, grabbing their notebooks and wobbling over to find a partner. Most of them choose people they clearly went to high school with. But Dowoon just stands awkwardly at the front of the classroom. He isn’t from this area and is really bad at introductions. 

He looks up as a tall and skinny boy is approaching him. The boy smiles and twitches as he stands in front of him. 

“You need a partner?” The boy asks, pushing his blond hair from his face. 

“Oh-yeah.” Dowoon clears his throat. 

The two walk to the hall and look for the first prompts. They are very simple things. To give their name, age, hometown, and major.

“My name is Yoon Dowoon, I’m 20, born in Busan but I live in Seoul. I’m a Chemistry major and I’m going to minor in Forensics.” Dowoon tells the boy. 

“Awesome.” The boy writes down the answers happily. “I’m Park Jaehyung-Jae, I’m 23-uh born in Buenos Aires but from LA. I’m a Poli Sci major.” 

“Oh, shit, really? That’s so cool.” 

The two walk to the last prompt. They have to tell each other 3 interesting facts about themselves. The two sit there for a few minutes. Other students seem to still be gathered around, struggling with the same prompt. 

“Uh, well, “ Dowoon begins. “My mom is a best selling author, I had my appendix burst during a math exam and I almost died, and I’ve been playing the drums for 4 years.” 

“Damn, you’re a lot cooler than me.” Jae smiles. “For me, I guess uh, I don’t speak Spanish, I’m allergic to cats, and I am very good at debates.” 

Dowoon laughs. “Isn’t the last one an opinion?” 

“It may be your opinion, but I know it as a fact and so do my debate trophies.” 

Jae smiles and the two make their way back into the classroom, waiting for their time to introduce each other. After everyone finishes and the professor uses this exercise to take attendance, they are dismissed. 

Dowoon watches as Jae looks over his schedule and walks over. He leans on the desk and Jae jumps. 

“When’s your next class?” Dowoon tries to look for himself but Jae’s hands seem to shake too much for him to read anything. 

“Uh- 30 minutes. I’m, um, taking theatre appreciation for my fine arts.” Jae stuff the paper into his hoodie and stands, throwing his backpack over his shoulder. “You?” 

Dowoon’s face lights up and he walks alongside Jae, out of the classroom. “Same.” The two go down the stairs, ready to search for the fine arts building. “My mom wanted me to take it to match the classes she took when she was in college.” 

“How many classes do you have today?” 

“3 in total. I have History at 3.” They find the fine arts building and begin to search for their classroom. “What about you?” 

“I’m done after this. I had Poli Sci at 8.” 

They sit on the floor, waiting around with the rest of the students. Dowoon texts his mom updates about his first class and lets her know he may have found a new friend. Jae stuffs his hands in his hoodie pocket and stares at his feet. Though it’s nice to finally have a conversation with someone friendly, he fears Dowoon will stop talking to him when he learns more about him. 

Everyone enters once the previous class is dismissed, Dowoon taking his seat next to Jae. They sit awkwardly, not sure what to talk about next. Just before Dowoon tries to speak, the professor walks in and begins class. This class is not as simple as the last one. They immediately begin to take notes and already have a test by the end of the week. 

At the end of class, Jae walks out, assuming he will only be talking to Dowoon when the two have classes together. He jumps as Dowoon rushes over and taps on his shoulder. 

“What are you doing later?” Dowoon gets his phone out and hands it to Jae. “Here. Give me your number so we can talk more.” 

Jae’s stomach twists and he tugs at his sleeves anxiously. “Going to see if I can find a motel room and I guess sleep.” He takes Dowoon’s phone and types in his number.

“Why a motel room?” 

“I, uh, I don’t have anywhere to live and the dorms were too expensive.”

Dowoon stares over to him, his mouth hanging open in shock. “Wh-hold on. No, you’re not staying in a motel tonight. I’ll text you when my class is over. Meet me on the top floor of the parking garage, okay?” 

“Oh-uh- sure.” 

Jae decides to walk Dowoon to his class, having nothing better to do. The two continue their small talk, mainly Dowoon asking Jae about what America is like and how to say certain things in English. Jae’s cheeks heat up the more they speak. He’s never really had a friend like this in his life. 

He wishes Dowoon well as the boy walks into class before making his way out of the building. Nausea and anxiety fill his body and he suddenly feels like everyone is watching him. He pulls a dust mask from his backpack and puts it on, hoping it will help him feel less noticed. 

This morning he had found a walking trail that leads around the campus and decides that’s where he will go and hide out. Thankfully, not many students are there so he lowers his mask. As he continues on, he sees a large rock. It is covered in etchings of couples and wishes for people to pass their exams. 

Jae groans as he drops his bag down and sits in the grass beside the rock. This place seems so peaceful. You can see the whole campus from one side and the other is just dense forest. It’s far away from the traffic so the only thing that can be heard is the school and the birds. He digs into his bag once more, pulling out a small pocket knife. 

He waits for two students to pass before scraping his initials into what seems like the only free space on the rock. 

“Welp, there goes my blade..” He whispers to himself, chucking the knife back into the bag and getting his phone out. 

He waits, phasing out of reality, until Dowoon texts him. Finally, about an hour later, his phone goes off. He stretches and looks over the campus to see if he can find the parking lot. Once he spots it, he grabs his backpack and begins his journey over. 

---

“Hey, are you hungry?” Dowoon greets Jae as he walks up to his car. “It’s gonna be a bit of a drive back to my place.” 

“I don’t- uh-” Jae stumbles on his words, climbing into the passenger’s seat. 

“Don’t you dare say you don’t have money because that’s not what I asked.” 

Jae looks to the side to hide his smile. “Ah, yeah. I’m hungry.” 

Dowoon pulls out of the lot and begins his drive, not exactly sure where he is going yet but will figure it out as he goes. He catches Jae staring at a local noodle shop and decides to pull in. They eat in the restaurant and then order some to-go so they can have some for later. Or rather, Dowoon got Jae some extra food.

Jae attempts to stay awake but ends up falling asleep on the way back to Seoul. When he wakes up, Dowoon is pulling into a garage for a large flat. He looks over to the very nice car parked beside them. 

Dowoon leads Jae up to the main floor and quietly pushes him towards the hallway. He throws him forward, causing him to stumble into the wall as a door opens from across the house. Dowoon whispers an apology, pushing him into the bedroom and shutting the door in his face. 

“Dowoon? Is that you?” His mother rounds the corner and greets her son. “Ah, how were your classes? Tell me about that new friend of yours!” 

Jae fills with anxiety, realizing that he probably isn’t supposed to be here. He looks around, cursing when he sees there isn’t anywhere he could hide if he had to. 

“Ah, heh- my classes were good. We didn’t do much today. Just notes in Theatre and History. I need to study a bit and I’m gonna eat.” He holds up the bag of food and tries to open his door. 

He walks in and closes the door but his mother walks in. “Now- Dowoon! What about your friend- oh. Hello.” She stares over at Jae, who shakes in shock. He bows politely and goes to shake her hand but she grabs his hoodie. “Oh, sweetheart, your clothes are filthy. Dowoon, give him a change of clothes so we can get these washed.” 

“Oh-uh, it’s okay-” Jae begins to speak but is surprised when the woman smacks his arm. “Ah, alright.” 

“Okay, that’s fine. Let him get changed.” Dowoon forces his mother back out of the room and sighs in relief. He looks over to Jae who still looks very frazzled. “I’m sorry..She hates when things are dirty. I was trying to avoid that.” Jae continues to stare, tugging at his hoodie sleeves. “She isn’t going to leave us alone until your clothes are in the washer.” 

Dowoon walks to his wardrobe and searches for clothes that he hopes will fit Jae comfortably. He turns to see Jae tugging his hoodie over his head. His heart drops, seeing pink and white scars lining his forearm. He walks over and hands Jae the new clothes before turning around to find him a jacket to wear. 

He pulls one off it’s hanger and waits for Jae to at least be decent enough before turning around. Jae is pulling the new shirt over his head, Dowoon catching more fresh cuts on his shoulders. Dowoon hands him the jacket and smiles softly. 

The two decide to write some notes for Theatre Appreciation to pass some time. Dowoon looks up and frowns at the boy's greasy hair and dirty skin. 

"Do you want to take a shower?" He asks. 

"You should probably learn my favorite color first." Jae responds without looking up. 

"W-What?" 

Jae shakes his head and laughs. "Nothing. Where's the bathroom?" 

Dowoon leads him to the bathroom and gets him a towel. Jae thanks him and Dowoon closes the door. He stands outside the room until he hears the water run. 

He makes his way to the living room to see his mom sitting on the couch, staring at her laptop. She looks up and meets his concerned gaze.

"The cot's in the garage." She smiles softly. 

"Thanks.." he pauses, "I know he seems a bit..uh..but he's very nice and I want to help him."

"Honey, you don't need to convince me. If you like him, then we can try our best to get him back on his feet." 

"Thank you." He stops and thinks for a moment. “Do you think we can help him find a good therapist, too? I mean, if he’s cool with it. I need to slow myself down again, don’t I?” 

His mother frowns at him and shakes her head. “You know doing good deeds isn’t a bad thing, Dowoon. But don’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want. He lives his own life and is his own person still. If he refuses something, don’t make him do it.”

“His clothes are in the laundry because of who?” 

“Oh hush.”

They look over as Jae walks out, holding the towel in his hand. Dowoon notices that he hasn't put the jacket back on and hopes his mom doesn't see his scars. Jae awkwardly steps closer. 

"Uh, I didn't know where to put this." He holds the towel up, cursing under his breath when he realizes he's dripping water onto the ground. 

"Oh, here, sweetpea." Dowoon's mother stands and grabs it. She throws the towel over Jae’s head and helps him dry his hair. "Tomorrow, after class, bring the rest of your clothes so they can be washed, too." 

"I-uh, don't have any other clothes, ma'am. They were all stolen at the shelter." 

The woman gasps in shock and rests her hand on his cheek. "Well, that won't do. When are your classes over, then? We can get you a whole new wardrobe and maybe a haircut." 

Jae's cheeks begin to burn. He doesn't know whether he should feel humiliated or grateful. Why are these people being so friendly to him? They don’t even know him. No one ever does anything nice for Jae unless they want something. 

He laughs to himself and wonders if Dowoon’s is gay and just has a crush. Maybe his mom wants the boy to find someone new? He stops his thoughts. There is nothing that suggests that Dowoon would be gay. He’s just being nice. Nice people exist, Jae..

---

Younghyun unlocks the door to the new flat and walks in. Boxes line the walls of each room. He had told Dowoon he would help unpack but promised to leave Jae’s room to him. It pains him that Dowoon will still set his room up but if it helps him heal, then he won’t say anything. 

He goes to the kitchen and sees a gift box on the table. His name is written on the tag and he curiously grabs for it. Inside there are signed first drafts and merchandise for the book series. He smiles, finding a letter inside. 

Thank you for loving my work and taking care of my son, Younghyun. Enjoy these little gifts as a way to show my gratitude. Also, I’m sure you know about the movie in the works. I talked to the team and I may be able to sneak you in a small part. Fingers crossed! 

• MAMA YOON 

Younghyun sighs and sits down, pulling his phone out and hovering his finger over Sungjin’s contact. 

[Younghyun - 4:12pm]: do i really only care about myself..am i selfish? 

[Sungjin - 4:15pm]: no..younghyun..I’m sorry, I was angry when I said that. Please, understand that..You are extremely selfless and I know that if someone needed help you would do anything for them 

[Younghyun - 4:20pm]: thank you..

[Sungjin - 4:21pm]: are you okay?

[Younghyun - 4:24pm]: im fine..dont worry, wonpils coming over and we’re gonna have some drinks..I just wanted to make sure you didnt hate me all this time 

[Sungjin - 4:27pm]: i dont hate you, dont make me come up there and hug you 

[Younghyun - 4:30pm]: how much do i have to pay you to actually do it tho..

[Sungjin - 4:32pm]: one single wonpil 

---

“Jae! What is this?” Dowoon’s mother gasps looking over his shoulder as he checks his test grade online. “You studied so well for that exam! How do you fail?” 

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I’ll try better next time.” Jae lowers his head and begins to sulk over to the kitchen. 

“Oh, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to upset you. You tried the best you could.” She sits down at the table with him and hands him an apple as a quick distraction. “When Dowoon comes home, I want to talk to you both about something.” 

Jae nods, setting the apple to the side and opening his laptop. He begins to read the notes for his class to pass the time. He’s only lived here for a week but has been treated better in this time than he has in his entire life. Dowoon’s family got him 10 new outfits, a laptop for class, and found him a therapist across the street from the campus. They paid for his new medication and even took him to the doctor for a check up. It still feels weird accepting all this but they don’t seem like the people that would take advantage of him. 

Dowoon’s mother gets up and begins to prepare dinner. Jae finds it hard to concentrate from the smell of food so he shuts his laptop and begins to walk to Dowoon’s room. 

He hears the front door open and knows it’s Dowoon coming back. Anxiety washes over him, not in the mood for a serious talk right now. He goes to the bedroom and places his laptop on the cot and walks back out after Dowoon’s mom yells for him. 

Dowoon and Jae sit at the table, curious what the woman has to say. She finishes making dinner quietly, sitting down once she sets the table. 

“So, I was looking around and I found a really nice place for the two of you to move into.” She pulls out her phone and brings up the listing. “Take a look and let me know if it’s good. It’s on the bottom floor, 3 bedrooms, open floor plan.” 

“You want us to move out?” Dowoon stares, feeling his chest tighten and his eyes water. 

“Well, sweety, it’ll be much better for you and Jae for school. Plus it’s way too cramped in here. Jae sleeps on a cot for goodness sakes. Plus, it may help both of your grades, not having to wake up 2 hours early to get to classes on time.”

“Yeah, okay.. Jae is that okay with you?” He looks to Jae who picks at his fingernails.

“How much is rent?” 

Dowoon’s mother raises her brow and shakes her head. “Jae, you know you won’t have to worry about that. Worry about that after you graduate, okay?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” He cracks a smile. “I think it’s great.” 

---

Dowoon sits on the floor of the empty apartment. He has to leave by tomorrow but hasn't had the strength to. It's going to feel so weird driving Jae's car without Jae sleeping peacefully in the passenger's seat. 

He feels the note weigh in his pocket. He doesn't want to lose it. 

He...doesn't want to leave.. 

But Jae wanted him to do his best so he will try. He had called the lab and explained to them what happened. They gave him an extension on his start date and wished him well. 

The funeral is in 2 days. He and his mother talked with Jae's sister and agreed to split the ashes in half. They haven't figured out if they would be scattered anywhere but..for now Dowoon just wants to keep them close. 

He looks down at his phone as it begins to ring. 

"Hey, how are you doing?" Younghyun asks softly. 

"Don't ask me that." Dowoon replies, sighing and burying his head in his knees. He coughs to hide himself beginning to cry. "Was the trip up there okay?" 

"Yeah. Hey, I have to confess something. Don't get mad but uh, I don't actually have my license." 

Dowoon laughs and chokes, sniffling his tears back. "Thanks for telling me after you drove my car." 

"Just because I can't legally drive doesn't mean I can't drive." 

"Shut the fuck up, you dumbass." 

Dowoon hears loud banging from the other end assuming Younghyun is unpacking the kitchen. 

"Hey, I want to try and cook you a meal tomorrow. How about pork belly and veggies? Your mom left us a shit ton of kimchi and side dishes." 

The tears have calmed themselves and Dowoon feels thankful for Younghyun’s quick distraction. "Sure. But you're not driving to the store to get it." 

"I promise. Hey, I love you. Call me if you need anything. Okay?" 

"Of course. I love you too." 

---

Jae hates his Tuesday/Thursday classes. They are specific to his major so he knows Dowoon won’t be there. Though, Dowoon promised to meet him in the caf to get lunch after their first classes. 

His first class goes horrible. If he could drop it, he would. So once it’s over, he runs into the large recreational building and waits for Dowoon. He looks around as he walks to the second floor. To his left are small shops and cafes, to his right there is a gym. On the first floor, there is a basketball court and a swimming pool. One floor above him, is the full cafeteria, where people with meal plans can eat at the buffet. 

He sends a text to Dowoon and tucks into a corner with a small couch, under the staircase. Hopefully no one else was planning to sit here. This place seems to be the most popular floor of the building. Although, Starbucks has the most people gathered in it. 

[Dowoon - 12:45pm]: Just got out, omw 

Jae puts his head back and could swear he only closed his eyes for a second but jumps as Dowoon shakes him awake. Dowoon flumps down beside him and frowns. 

“Did you not sleep well last night?” He looks at Jae’s dark circles. 

“I did. The couch is just really comfortable. Anything is better than the ground.” Jae replies, yawning hard. “Was class good?” 

“Yeah.” Dowoon pauses and quickly leans closer to Jae, causing the boy to jump back slightly. “Are you okay?” 

Jae blinks and scratches his cheek. “That’s probably not something you want the answer to.” 

“It’s okay, I’ll listen. Okay, how about this-” He stands and pulls his keys from his pocket. “You and I leave and go to the river. We can talk and then go home when you’re ready.”

“Are you really going to skip class?” 

Dowoon sputters slightly, not even thinking about how he’s going to skip class. “It’s just one class and my professor posts everything online, anyway. Come on.”

As they begin their ride, Dowoon notices Jae already falling asleep. It’s always kinda amusing but it also hurts his heart. He uses the time to himself to think. He hopes he isn’t being overbearing to Jae. The boy hasn’t told him to fuck off so that is a good thing. 

Jae jumps awake as Dowoon hits a speed bump while pulling up to the river's parking lot. Dowoon apologizes and turns the car off. They get out and make their way over to a grassy spot at the edge of the water. 

Jae squints from the sun but can’t say he isn’t enjoying this. He expects Dowoon to ask him personal questions. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk about things, he just isn’t sure why anyone would be curious about him. 

“You don’t have to answer this but..” Dowoon stares at the water as they sit down, “Have you ever felt different from other people?” 

“Yes, I’m gay, if that’s what you’re asking.” Jae replies bluntly.

“Oh-um-yeah more or less, I guess.” 

Jae looks over to him and gives him a warm smile. “Are you struggling with something, Dowoon?” 

“I...don’t know..I’ve always kinda known but I kinda just pushed it down because I was afraid of what my dad would think. Then I met this guy online and snuck him into the house one night. My mom walked in on us.” He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair. “She..she took it well. Actually, so did my dad. But part of me still wonders if I disappoint them.” He sees Jae twitch slightly. “How did your family take it?” 

“They don’t know. I already ran away when I figured it out.”  He leans back on his hands and stretches out. “There was this guy that worked at the front desk of the hostel in LA. I would sit in the lobby for hours just to see him and he would sneak me free snacks. At that point I figured it out and just kinda went with it. I didn’t have a crisis about it, just accepted that yeah, I like men.” 

Dowoon nods and then lowers his head, pausing for a moment. “Monday..I saw the cuts on your shoulder.” 

“I figured. I didn’t hide them. No point.”

“I hope we can help you stop that..”

“Good luck.”

---

Dowoon walks into the new flat and is greeted with the smell of grilled meat. He rushes to the kitchen, ready to scold Younghyun for not listening. 

“Hey, I told you not to drive!” He gasps out. 

Younghyun smiles and waves him off. “Don’t worry, I used a grocery app.” 

“Oh- Well-that works.” 

“Sit down, I’m already done.” 

Dowoon slides into the chair and waits patiently. He hasn’t eaten in three days and he admits, he’s pretty damn hungry. Younghyun finishes up and sets everything in front of Dowoon, taking a seat across from him. 

“I have to be real with you, I didn’t even know these flats existed.” Younghyun speaks before shoving a wrap into his mouth, immediately regretting how hot it is. 

“Well, Incheon isn’t that small.” Dowoon laughs but his smile lowers, wishing he could share this meal with Jae. “Do you want to get some soju or something?” 

“Absolutely.” Younghyun points to a small dish in the middle of the table. “Hey is this kimchi really spicy?” 

He reaches over and grabs some of the kimchi to test it for him It immediately reminds him of his mother. She always made it perfectly. Growing up, Dowoon refused to eat kimchi unless it was his mother’s. He smiles to himself and Younghhyun questions him. 

“When I was little, to get me to eat kimchi from other places, my mom would tell me she either sold it to the restaurant or gave it to the people we ate dinner with. It stopped working when I was 12. But when I look back, it was so obvious!” 

“Remember when you said I was smarter than you?” Younghyun chuckles. 

“Fuck you.” He pouts. 

---

Dowoon and Jae walk into their new apartment, surprised to see it fully furnished. The two search around, going into the rooms Dowoon’s mother had told them are their own. 

Jae stares at the room, his eyes watering a bit. This has to be a dream. There’s no way someone would do all this for someone they’ve known for this little time. A queen sized bed is pushed to the wall, a bedside table to its side. He pans over to the closet and assumes all the clothes Dowoon’s mother bought him are lined inside. His head tilts as he notices a small box on the side table. Inside, lays a pair of car keys and a note. 

Welcome to your new home, sweetheart. I hope this gift will help you get you back on your feet. Don’t just drive to and from school. Make sure you get out and get some sun. It’s the red Hyundai parked in space 2. 

• Much Love, Mama. 

He turns, hearing the door open. Dowoon looks in and smiles, satisfied with Jae’s room as well. 

“You like it?” Dowoon’s eyes light up. “My mom left us food in the fridge, too so you can eat whenever you’re hungry.”

Jae sniffles and feels his body shake. “Your family can’t be real. I swear I have to be dying right now and this is just what my brain is showing me.” 

“Want me to punch you really fucking hard?” He gets serious and rushes to Jae as the boy begins to cry. “Hey, whoa, it’s okay.” 

Jae wraps his arms around Dowoon and sobs into his shoulder. “Thank you so much.” 

“Jae..” He sits him on the bed. “Has no one really done anything nice for you before?” 

He shakes his head and quickly wipes his tears away. “Dowoon, I literally ran away from home and had to do horrible things just to afford my plane ticket here. I lived in the fucking subway for a year before they arrested me for tresspassing.” He sighs. “So, no. No one’s really done anything nice for me. Jail is my nicest experience and that was only 2 days.” 

“I-I’m so sorry.” Dowoon’s lip quivers. “I didn’t-” 

“It’s fine.” 

He takes his jacket off and sets it behind him. Dowoon softly places his hand on his arm and turns it over to get a better look at his scars. Jae turns away and balls his fist as Dowoon touches the crook of his elbow. 

“You quit this, right?” Dowoon whispers, softly caressing the dark veins and marks. 

“Yeah..” Jae doesn’t sound convincing. Sure it’s been a year clean from needles but pills..that’s a different story. His hands tremble and he yanks away but Dowoon grabs him again. 

“What?” 

“Can you promise that you won’t just up and fuck me over?” 

Dowoon wraps his arm around his shoulders and leans his head on his. “I promise. I’m here for you, Jae. Even if you don’t believe me, I care about you.” 

Chapter Text

“Shit.” Jae’s foot slips, sending him tumbling from the top of the railing he was perched on top of. 

His back hits the ground and the air is knocked from his lungs. He stares up at the large concrete staircase as students gather around him, yelling for help. Did he seriously just fall off the ledge? His vision goes white and there is a high pitched ringing in his ear before he blacks out. 

Dowoon walks up to the large crowd, starting to worry when he doesn’t see Jae sitting at the top of the stairs like he told Dowoon he’d be. Students murmur about the incident and Dowoon pushes through once he hears enough information. Some people curse him for being rude but he has to make sure it’s not Jae. 

“Fuck-” He sees a medical crew attending to the tall boy, rushing over. “Jae?” He drops down and places his hand on Jae’s chest. “What happened?” 

Jae has woken up but he can only stare at the sky. The medics tell Dowoon to step back as they help Jae to his feet. The crowd parts and begins to disperse as Jae is walked to an ambulance parked at the bottom of the hill. Dowoon walks behind, still not sure what the fuck happened. 

Everyone grabs for Jae as he loses his balance, his knees giving out. They get him into the vehicle and Dowoon crawls in beside him. 

“Jae, hey- are you okay?” Dowoon waves his hand in front of Jae’s face. 

The boy blinks and grabs his head, an embarrassed smile forming across his lips. “I’m such a fucking idiot.” 

“Dude, did you fall down the stairs?” 

“Fuck the stairs, I went straight to the ground.” Jae looks up as he hears Dowoon let out a long sigh. He can’t help but laugh, stopping when his head begins to pound again. “Ow, shit.” 

Dowoon puts his hand to his mouth, attempting to stop his laughter. “Dumbass.” 

---

Dowoon jumps as Jae comes home and slams the front door shut. His face is red and he doesn’t even greet Dowoon, going straight to his room after throwing his car keys on the side table. The bedroom door slams and Dowoon hears Jae let out a muffled yell. 

He gets up and rushes to his door, knocking lightly. When Jae doesn’t answer, he attempts to walk in. Jae pushes the door closed and holds it as best he can. Dowoon uses his back to force his way in. Jae rushes to the otherside of the room and falls to the floor, ripping his medicine bottle open. 

Dowoon lunges for him, grabbing his arms and pulling them away. The bottle flies across the room, pills scattering across the floor. 

“Stop! Just let me fucking die!” Jae pushes Dowoon in the chest, tears streaming down his face.

“No, Jae, just tell me what happened!” Dowoon panics, his breaths chopping. 

“What’s the fucking point? I can’t do anything fucking right. I’ll always be a failure.” His voice wavers and he whimpers out, digging his nails into his skin. “And I’m just a burden on you.” 

Dowoon’s eyes water before Jae scrambles to grab the loose pills from the floor. “Jae!” He grabs him and yanks him back into his lap. “Please.”

Jae curses and pulls off, grabbing his backpack. He digs until he finds his knife, flicking it open and attempting to place it to his arm. Dowoon grabs it and forces it from his hand, throwing it to the side. 

Dowoon gets his phone out and makes a frantic call for help. He curses as Jae manages to slip past him and grab the knife again. He’s unable to stop him from hurting himself as he gives the dispatcher his address. Jae yells out as Dowoon hangs up and wraps his arms around him. 

He looks at the wound, glad it’s not too deep. Jae cries out, his body thrashing as he still tries to escape. 

“We’re gonna get you help, okay? Everything’s okay. Just breathe.” Dowoon attempts to soothe him, his eyes closed to soothe himself. When he looks over to Jae he sees him slowly shoving the pills into his mouth. “Hey-no!”

He grabs Jae’s cheeks and tries to force them out but Jae swallows hard, gagging on the bitter taste. There’s a knock on the door and Dowoon forces Jae to his feet, walking him out to the living room. 

Jae collapses to the floor, his heart skipping a beat as a police officer comes inside. 

“We don’t need police, we need an ambulance!” Dowoon shouts in confusion and frustration. 

“It’s just procedure to make sure no one will get hurt.” A man says, walking over to Jae and leaning down. “Are you okay, son? I heard you were wanting to hurt yourself.” 

Jae stares up at the man, in shock from this entire experience. “Yeah..” 

As the other officer leads Dowoon out to the front door, the ambulance pulls into the lot. The EMT’s greet everyone and walk inside. An older man sits in front of Jae and softly smiles at him. 

“Hey, buddy. I see you hurt your arm, I’m gonna wrap that up for you real quick, okay?” He says, grabbing a sealed roll of gauze and some medical tape. “Did you take anything today?” 

Jae’s body twitches in uncontrollable anxiety. “Yeah but not..much..Just like..10 Latuda..uh, 20mg.”

As he speaks, he feels his body already beginning to heavy. The EMT works quickly to wrap his cut so they can quickly get Jae to the hospital. Jae doesn’t make eye contact with anyone as he is walked out to the ambulance. He lays on the bed and the man pulls a strap over his legs and chest to make sure he doesn’t move. 

Jae closes his eyes and sighs, knowing he’s probably going to be forced into the psychiatric unit. He knows he didn’t take enough pills to really hurt his body but it was enough to make the world warp around him a bit. 

In just a few minutes, he is sitting in the ER, Dowoon sitting beside him, shaking his legs anxiously. Maybe..in a twisted way..this will help Jae. Maybe the break from classes will help. Dowoon can email all of Jae’s professors and explain enough for them to not expect him back for a while. He can get his homework from them and help him with it when he comes back. They do their notes together for the two classes they have anyway so he will just copy his own. 

Yeah..everything will be okay..

Dowoon isn’t surprised that Jae fights to go to the hospital but he doesn’t really have a choice. He kicks and screams, having security, a nurse, and Dowoon holding him down. Eventually, Dowoon is able to calm him down. 

“You’re okay, Jae. It’s okay. We’re just trying to help you.” Dowoon whimpers. 

Jae’s head heavies and his eyes flicker as his IV is injected with something. He sobs out until he falls asleep. Dowoon lowers his head and lets out a hard sigh. 

Everything will be okay…

---

Dowoon slips his shoes off and places them by the front of the service hall. He has been standing outside all day, unable to go in and face reality. Younghyun and Sungjin had waited for him. Dowoon’s mother has been there all morning, praying and maintaining the memorial. 

He expected that only a small number of people  would show up, but hoards of former classmates, professors, and even strangers came to pay respects. It’s nice to see so many people care but at the same time..why didn’t they care before? They never saw Jae at his lowest points or when he was in pain. They never helped him with his homework. They never even hung out with him outside of class. 

The three walk into the room, setting flowers at the altar. Dowoon’s head spins as he walks up to the mat beside his mother. He stares at the picture of Jae sitting at the front of the room, flowers spread across the table. His body trembles as he leans down, placing his head to the floor. 

He doesn’t pray. He has no one to pray to. He just lays there with his eyes closed, hoping that when he opens them, he will be at home with Jae waking him up. Sungjin and Younghyun lean down behind him. Younghyun feels horrible for not crying. Especially looking over to see his best friend nearly in hysterics. 

Younghyun can’t take the cries and the emotions anymore, getting up and silently making a quick exit. 

---

Sungjin’s mother wishes Yougnhyun a good day before leaving for work. Younghyun still has 2 more hours before Sungjin comes home from his own job. 

He sits, panicked. He and Sungjin had applied to the same college together. Today, Sungjin got his acceptance letter in the mail. Younghyun had mistakenly put his own apartment number instead of Sungjin’s. Everyday, his father goes to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes and lunch. When he leaves, Younghyun always sneaks in to see if his letter came. 

Today, it has to be here. Even if he is rejected, he needs to know. He needs to get the letter before his father sees that he isn’t enrolled in a science program. 

After a little over an hour, the time comes where his father leaves. Younghyun quietly walks out the front door and tiptoes to the corner of the hall. He peeks around to make sure no one is outside before slowly walking to the last apartment by the staircase. 

His hands shake as he carefully puts his pin in, holding his breath while pushing the door open. Thankfully, his father stayed on schedule and the apartment is empty. He looks down at the table beside the door. Mail piles up on top of it, mostly junk and shut off notices for bills. 

He begins to sift through it, his heart dropping when he sees the letter from the university. The top has been ripped open and the letter shoved crudely back inside. He grabs it, folding the envelope, and shoving it in his pocket. 

Panic rises in his body as he hears soft beeps of the pin being entered behind him. He curses and backs away, knowing there isn’t anywhere to hide. 

A large man walks in and sees Younghyun frozen in fear. Younghyun gasps as the man grabs him, shoving his small frame into the door. He closes his eyes and flinches into himself. A loud crack fills the room and Younghyun yells out as the man’s palm collides hard with his cheek. Younghyun slides to the floor, yelling for him to stop. He cries out, the man continuing to beat at his head.

“You son of a bitch! Are you fucking kidding me?” The man grabs the top of Younghyun’s hair and pulls him up, ignoring the boy’s tearful pleading. 

Younghyun gasps as the man’s ring hits his eyebrow. “Please, stop!” 

“What the fuck are you even going to do with a business degree? Huh? Was everything I taught you bullshit?” 

Younghyun manages to slip to the side, stumbling to the living room. The man grabs him, pushing him into the couch. His chin catches the edge. “Shit..”

The man take’s Younghyun’s arm and drags him to the door. “Ge the fuck out of here. If I see you again, you’re fucking dead.” He opens the door and throws Younghyun back into the hall. 

Younghyun jumps as the door is slammed shut. He hiccups with sobs out, not caring if anyone can hear him. It wouldn’t be new to them anyway. His hands tremble violently as he places his fingers to his lip. He cries out more, seeing blood mixed with his saliva. His cheek twitches as a line of blood drips into his eye. 

He slowly makes his way back to Sungjin’s apartment. When he opens the door, Sungjin has just gotten home. 

“Oh shit.” Sungjin looks up, rushing over to Younghyun. “What happened?” 

Younghyun shakily reaches into his pocket and pulls the letter out. “I got accepted..” 

Sungjin suddenly realizes what happened and boils with rage. He desperately wants to go to Younghyun’s father and rip him apart but he knows Younghyun doesn’t want that. There isn’t much they can really do about it since Younghyun is an adult. Instead, he hugs the boy. 

“Let’s..clean you up..” Sungjin leads him to the bathroom, secretly texting his mom about the incident so she isn’t surprised by Younghyun’s wounds. 

Younghyun winces as he wipes the blood from his lip. “I’m so fucking glad we’re leaving.”

Sungjin wets a washcloth and places it on Younghyun’s eyebrow. “You and I can dorm together our first year and then we’ll figure out what we’ll do once we get Wonpil up there. Sound good?” 

Younghyun nods and begins to walk away towards their room but Sungjin follows. The boy stops and grabs Sungjin with sudden panic. "What if he follows us and- and forces me to change my major or pulls me out?" 

"Younghyun, don't worry." Sungjin sits him down on his bed. "You're an adult and you're free to do whatever you want. You don’t even have him down as an emergency contact." 

---

Dowoon gathers Jae’s laundry and carries the very full basket to the washer. He begins tossing everything in, checking the pockets to make sure they’re empty. One pair of jeans seems to have something inside, so he pulls the item out. He stares as his fingers play with a small plastic bag filled with white pills. 

He sets the jeans on the washer and leaves the room to find Jae. The boy sits on the living room floor, doing his homework and picking at the scabs on his arm. Jae looks up and sees Dowoon standing in front of him with his arms crossed. 

“You left something important in your pocket.” Dowoon blinks, sighing in annoyance. 

Jae immediately looks to the floor, grabbing for his phone. “What?” 

Dowoon holds the bag out and watches Jae’s breathing quicken. “I am going to watch you flush these and any others you have hidden around the apartment.” He waits for Jae to do something but the boy just stares in shock. “Now.” 

“I-I’m sorry..” Jae whimpers. 

“Jae, get up. I’m not doing this with you.” 

Jae stands, his legs shaking. His stomach twists and his eyes begin to water. He follows Dowoon down the hall. Dowoon leans against the wall between Jae’s room and the bathroom. 

“Are you finding anything else or do I have to search for myself?” He raises a brow. 

Jae lowers his head and pushes into his bedroom, Dowoon following behind. He watches Jae pull a box from his bedside table. He couldn’t care less about the pot inside. No, he’s more interested in the white bars loosely sitting in a ziplock bag. Jae hands him the bag, refusing to make eye contact. 

Dowoon grabs him by the arm and walks him to the bathroom. He gives the two bags to Jae and steps aside. “Go ahead. I want them gone.” 

“I’ll get sick..” Jae whispers. 

“Then we fucking deal with that when it happens. The only pills going into your body are the ones prescribed to you.” 

Jae’s hands tremble as he pours the contents into his palm. He lets out a sigh before dumping the pills into the toilet. Dowoon flushes and makes sure everything goes down before pushing Jae back to the living room.

---

Younghyun and Dowoon sit on the couch at the new apartment. The coffee table is covered in soju bottles and beer cans. It’s nice to see Dowoon be able to relax again. He starts his job in 3 days and he wanted to celebrate finally doing something on his own. 

The two have been talking about what wild things they did so far in life. Dowoon is more than a little surprised with all the things Younghyun has done in life. Younghyun hopes he can learn more about his goody two shoes boyfriend. 

“Dude, I feel like you’ve fucked every gay guy on campus.” Younghyun laughs. “Except Sungjin.” 

Dowoon staeres, an awkward smile growing across his face. “Ah..heh.”

“WHAT?” 

“..How’d you think we met?”

Younghyun sputters slightly, taking a shot before shaking his head. “I mean I don’t fucking know?? Maybe in class????”

“What classes would a Chem major have in common with a Psych major?” 

“I’m SURE something? God damn that man never tells me shit!” He gets his phone out. “I’m texting him.” 

Dowoon lowers the phone and laughs awkwardly. “About what?”

“Details from both sides.” 

[kang bitch - 12:23am]: YOU FUXKED DOWOON GIVE ME TEH DETAILS BIXCH 

[sparkles - 12:25am]: are you drunk 

[kang bitch - 12:27am]: irreilievt 

[sparkles - 12:30am]: so yes. Ok.

[sparkles - 12:35am]: yeah we hooked up like 2 weeks before i started dating jae. He was walking jae to soci and he saw my fucking very gay phone screen, you remember the one. Asked me before class and then we uh went back to the dorm

[kang bitch - 12:37am]: WAIT you were still at the dorm?? Freshman year ?/?? Fuckng what

“Freshman year??” He turns the Dowoon. 

“Well, I was a sophomore.” Dowoon replies. 

[sparkles - 12:40am]: ….it wasnt on my bed 

Younghyun yells and tosses his phone on the table. “ON MY BED?”

Dowoon attempts to stop his smile from widening. “Oh, that was your bed? Small world, huh?”

“I hate you both.” 

---

Younghyun growls in annoyance as he checks the tracking number for his package. Dowoon asks what’s wrong and Younghyun curses, seeing it delivered but not to the right address.

“I somehow sent my package to my dad’s. I forgot to change the address and I guess it's been that long since I’ve ordered anything online.” Younghyun smacks his head at his thoughtless action. 

Dowoon nods. “Oh, well, how far is his place? I can drive you there.”

“Like 15 minutes. It’s the same building that Sungjin’s mom lives. My dad checks the mail every morning, so it’s already in the apartment..” Younghyun fidgets with his fingers. “I need you to come in with me. He’ll be leaving for lunch any minute.” 

Without a word, Dowoon grabs his keys and jacket. The two make their exit, Younghyun holding his breath as they leave the parking lot. 

His cheeks numb slightly as they pull into the lot of the apartment complex. They get out and Dowoon slips his fingers in between Younghyun’s as they walk into the building. Younghyun leads Dowoon to the stairs. 

As they reach the floor, Younghyun freezes. His grip tightens in Dowoon’s grip as a man walks out from his apartment. The man looks over and squints. 

“Younghyun!” The man’s eyes travel to the two’s hands. “So are you fucking gay now?” He steps closer, watching Younghyun slink down into himself. “You should be ashamed, you little-” 

Dowoon gasps as the man’s palm collides with Younghyun’s cheeks. Younghyun closes his eyes and apologies, feeling another smack to the side of the head. He looks up as Dowoon lets go of his hand. 

He stares in shock as Dowoon throws a punch, hitting that man in the jaw. The man stumbles slightly but grabs Dowoon’s arm. Dowoon can smell the alcohol on the man’s breath and isn’t surprised. He shakes free and throws another hard blow to the man’s face. 

Younghyun panics and runs to the apartment door, putting the pin in and rushing inside. He sees the package sitting on the table and grabs it. As he walks out, he sees Dowoon’s body thrown into the wall. Younghyun goes over, tripping his father before taking Dowoon’s wrist and running down the stairs. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Younghyun cries as they make it back to the lot. 

“Don’t be. He’s an awful prick.” Dowoon sniffles, hoping Younghyun won’t notice him wiping blood from his nose. He gets into the car and sighs as Younghyun closes the door. “I didn’t know it was that bad...” 

Younghyun stares at the dashboard, dropping the package to his feet. “He didn’t really start getting violent until I was about 13. I was staying at Sungjin’s more and mom had just finalized the divorce. When I did have to come home..he took his anger out on me. I was the problem. I was the reason he drank and why mom left.” His head sways back slightly from dizziness. “I failed a science test when I was 16...he put me in the hospital for 3 days. That’s when the police got involved and Sungjin’s mom was granted guardianship.” 

Dowoon shakes as he turns the car on. “I’m sorry.” 

“The broken ribs and head injury were worth getting out of there.” Younghyun finally remembers to take a proper breath. “I’ve seen him 4 times as an adult and it’s like he became a middle school bully. It’s almost sad. But damn, you’re the first person to stand up to him. I didn’t know you had that in you.” 

“I also know how to hide a body.” Younghyun snorts and covers his face to hide his laughter. Dowoon smiles but his chest still aches, seeing a welt form from where the man’s rings hit his skin. “Want some ice cream?”

He drives off as Younghyun softly nods. 

---

Jae lays in bed, happy the semester is over and he can take a break. His body trembles and he feels close to puking. He’s been running a fever for two days, the shaking and headaches keeping him up at night, 

Dowoon walks in, holding a glass of water and an orange. “I want you to eat and drink this all.”

He helps Jae sit up, watching the boy weakly grab the fruit. Dowoon sets the water on the side table and sits beside Jae. He’s proud that Jae is willing to make himself better. After he made Jae flush the pills, Jae admitted that he didn’t want to be on them. It was just something that replaced the needles. It was something to curb his appetite when he couldn’t find food. Something to dull his mind. 

Jae finally peels the orange and takes a bite. He hasn’t eaten in 3 days. At first his stomach cramps from the sudden surge of food. His body had gotten used to eating everyday again that the fast had really shocked his system. 

He quietly finishes eating and grabs the water. It burns his throat slightly but he welcomes the hydration. 

“Thanks..” Jae twitches. 

“Just let me know if you need anything else.” Dowoon places his hand on Jae’s back. “I’m proud of you, okay?” 

Jae’s lip curls up from those words. “Can you..say that to me more?” 

“Hey, I’m always proud of you. You’re amazingly strong and can literally take on the world.” 

“Thank you..Can we take a vacation?” 

Dowoon smiles and pulls Jae into a side hug. “Of course. Where do you want to go?”

“Camping. I want to hike up into the mountains and find a good spot to just sit for a day or two. Away from literally everything.” 

“Yeah, we can do that.” Dowoon scrunches his nose. “But I’ve never been camping so you’ll probably have to teach me a few things.” 

Jae chuckles and shakes his head. “Of course you’ve never been camping.” 

“Hey! That’s not fair!” He pouts. “We just flew everywhere instead…” 

A laugh loudly escapes Jae’s lips. “Relax, I’m just poking fun. Plenty of people haven’t gone camping. But I’m not surprised Rich Bitch Yoon hasn’t been camping.” He sets the empty glass on the table. “And this is going to be real camping. Like, sleeping in a tent, sleeping bags, eating food made on a fire, no phone service.” 

“I know. I’m not THAT unaware. I know what camping is!” 

---

Sungjin opens the door to see his friend, Wonpil hanging his head low. Younghyun and Sungjin’s mother greet the boy. Wonpil bows to the woman and slinks into the boys’ bedroom. They follow, watching Wonpil flop onto Younghyun’s bed and bury his face into his pillow. 

“I got my girlfriend pregnant.” He muffles into the fabric. 

The two attempt to hide their laughter while thinking of how to comfort their friend. 

“What are you going to do?” Sungjin sits on his bed and crosses his legs. 

Wonpil sits up. “She still wants me to go to college but we’re getting married I guess.” 

“How many times did I tell you to be careful?” 

“I’m an idiot! At least we were planning to stay together and all but fuck..I at least wanted 10 more childless years!” 

Younghyun sits beside him and pats his shoulder. “Well, buddy. You learned something valuable and I swear if you don’t invite us to the wedding, we will ruin it.” 

Chapter Text

"Sungjin!" The boy turns to see Jae running up to him. "Hey! Oh fuck-" Jae attempts to stop himself but trips over his shoe and stumbles into Sungjin's chest. 

Sungjin catches him and stares down at Jae's reddening cheeks. "Are you okay?" He laughs. 

"I'm..yeah..uh..completely." He fumbles with his words, wanting to hide in embarrassment. 

"Wanna hang out after class?" 

Jae's face lights up and he smiles brightly. "Yeah! I just..need to make sure Dowoon has someone to hang with, too. He doesn't like being alone." 

"Well. We can just go to your place, then. If that's cool?" 

“I mean, yeah! If that’s not awkward for you!” 

The two walk into the lecture hall and sit, Jae buzzing with happiness. He takes his laptop out and stares, smiling brightly. Sungjin gets his notebook out and looks up at the boy. Honestly, this might be the first time he’s seen Jae smile this much. Normally he smiles once and then goes back to dreading the start of class. 

"You know, your smile is really pretty." He leans closer. "I'm sorry I never told you that before." Jae hides his head into his arms to conceal his growing smile but Sungjin pulls him up. "Do you want to leave now before the professor gets here?" 

He watches Jae shoot up at lightning speed, grabbing his backpack and Sungjin's arm before pulling him out of the room, Sungjin scooping up Jae’s laptop from the table. 

They rush out to the parking garage, Jae nearly forgetting that they both drove to school today. He stops once they get to his car and lets out an awkward laugh. Sungjin offers to follow him since his car is only a few spots away. They both get into their own cars and make their way to Jae’s place. 

The entire drive, Jae smiles. Sungjin finally said yes..and he didn’t even have to ask this time. His cheeks burn hot, forcing him to blast the AC to cool him down. Now, he can focus on Sungjin instead of hurting himself over Dowoon. No, not hurt..more..puppy..Now, Jae can follow Sungjin around until he gets sick of him. He laughs to himself, wondering how much Sungjin, of all people, can take of his crap. 

Jae leads Sungjin into the apartment. He takes his coat off and hangs it on the hook next to the door. Sungjin’s eyes travel down to Jae’s arms and his heart drops seeing the scars. He doesn’t say anything as Jae walks him to his room. 

"Hey." Sungjin says quietly as Jae closes the door. He places one hand on Jae's hip and one on his cheek. "You're beautiful, okay?" 

Jae stares over to him with glassy eyes and his mouth hanging open slightly. "Wh-"

"I wanted to be with you the second I met you. I don't know what I was thinking when I kept telling you no." He pulls Jae closer, softly pressing their lips together. "Can you forgive me?" 

Jae blinks as his brain tries to make a coherent thought. He pushes back into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Sungjin’s torso. Sungjin slowly steps the two closer to the bed, sitting down gently as their legs hit the side. Jae pulls off and twitches a smile. 

Sungjin rests his hand on Jae's arm, gently caressing the scars. "I don't expect you to tell me why you hurt yourself but I want you to know I'm here for you instead." 

"Thank you.." Jae whispers.

"Hell, I'll be your punching bag if you need it." 

“I feel bad thinking I didn’t know you were..this..nice.” 

Sungjin snorts, nodding. “Most people think my resting bitch face means I’m a bitch.” 

Jae’s lips crack as he smiles. “I never thought that-” He’s cut off by Sungjin pressing their lips together once more. Sungjin pulls off and Jae gives an awkward laugh. “Let’s just do that more.”

---

Dowoon comes home from his first day at the lab. He is exhausted and ready to eat something and relax. Younghyun looks up from the couch and greets him happily. 

“How was work?” Younghyun asks, amused that Dowoon is still wearing his lab coat. 

“Tiring but really great. I really hope they hire me on full time.” Dowoon slides the coat from his body and folds it neatly on the back of a chair. “Did you hear back about the audition?” 

Younghyun hops up and waves in excitement. “Guess who I’m going to play!” 

Dowoon thinks about all the characters from his mother’s books. “I have no idea.” 

“Doctor Lee.” He smiles and scoops up the script lying on the coffee table. 

“They gave you the ONE character that dies?” Dowoon laughs, sitting on the couch. 

“It’s not until the end! It’s a small part but he’s such a loved character that people will be talking about it.” He stops and lets out an excited yet overwhelmed yell. “Dude..I’m going to be in a movie.” 

“I’m proud of you.” Dowoon smiles and grabs the script, flipping through the pages, knowing his mom wouldn’t allow the movie to stray too far from the book. “So, is this what you want to try and do from now on?” 

“Act?” He watches Dowoon nod. “I don’t know, the last time I acted was in high school and I was a small part..I think that depends on how I do in this movie and if I can find a manager.”

Dowoon puts his feet up on the table and pats the cushion for Younghyun to sit back down. “I’m sure my mom can help you with that.” 

“I’m nervous. What if I fuck up?” 

“My mom will be there to help you through it and you’re allowed to retake.” He pulls Younghyun into his lap and wraps his arms around him. “I promise you’ll be okay.” 

[My Son - 5:45pm]: please be there for younghyun when hes on set..make sure to watch if he starts ticking and yelling about science..

[MAMA - 5:48pm]: Of course, sweetheart. I’ll be there every step of the way for him. Thank you for letting me know. 

---

Younghyun begins to walk back to the dorms after class. He takes a quick detour to get some food at the campus convenience store. 

He quickly walks past a group of people huddled by the door. Younghyun recognizes two of them from his class but doesn’t acknowledge them. He walks into the store and grabs a few snacks and drinks before attempting to make a quick exit. 

“Hey, Brian!” He rolls his eyes and turns to the group. 

“I don’t have the time or money for whatever you want me to do.” Younghyun glares. 

One of the boys walks closer. “Nah, it’s not about that. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out later, I could really use some help with my notes.” 

“You can borrow my notebook, then.” He begins to walk away but the boy grabs his arm.

"Dude, don't be like that. I'm not trying to get you to do anything. I just wanna chill." 

Younghyun eyes the rest of the group and nods to them. "What about them?" 

"They're busy tonight." 

Younghyun sighs in annoyance. He doesn't want to hang out with him but he also doesn't want to study for his test. "Fine. Whatever." 

---

Jae and Dowoon drive to the campsite, hoping they are going the right way. Neither of them know this area so they have to rely on gps until the signal drops from Dowoon's car. 

Eventually they see the signs for the park. They find their spot and begin to unload. It's still pretty cool outside so not many people are at the site. Only a small family about 2 miles down the road. 

Jae has enough allergy meds with him just in case the grass irritates him. He shows Dowoon how to set the tent up, thanking the stars the boy is a quick learner. 

They get a fire set up in the pit to the side of the tent and sit in the lawn chairs they brought. Jae leans back and welcomes the familiar scent of burning wood mixed with cold air. He stares up at the sky as it begins to darken and only a few stars are visible. This is peaceful. 

"So, pretty boy," Jae looks over to Dowoon, "do you hate it yet?" 

Dowoon smiles and shakes his head. "I'll have to get used to how quiet it is..but it's nice so far."

"Just wait til we go to sleep. Then you'll hear so many noises." Jae chuckles. "One time when I was younger, I swear there was a bear right outside our tent but my family didn't believe me." 

"Uh..bear?" 

"Don't worry, we should be safe…. should. "

The two continue talking for hours. They had brought out some beer and picked at the snacks to eat instead of cooking. Dowoon watches Jae closely. He notices every crease in his eyes as he laughs and the difference in his mood when he seems genuinely happy. It's nice. 

The fire begins to die so the boys decide to head to bed. In the morning they are hiking up the mountain so they need plenty of rest. Jae goes into the tent and sets up their air mattress. He would have preferred sleeping bags but Dowoon's mom insisted they didn't sleep on the cold ground. 

Dowoon crawls in and sits on the mattress, playing with the lamp hanging above his head. "I'm not tired." 

Jae looks at him and chuckles. "Same.." 

The two stare quietly, Jae's breathing becoming louder. Dowoon bites his bottom lip and leans closer to Jae's face. Jae grabs Dowoon’s cheek and pulls him forward, colliding their lips together. Dowoon closes his eyes and twitches, pushing Jae's back into the mattress. His hips softly dig into Jae's, causing him to buck. 

Jae gasps as Dowoon pulls off, burying himself into the crook of his neck. His head rolls back and he digs at Dowoon's shoulders. 

Dowoon whimpers slightly as Jae pushes him up. "Are you okay?"

"Do you actually want to do this or do you feel obligated because I'm depressed?" Jae stares at him, eyes glossy and lips numbing. 

Dowoon frowns and sits up straight. "To be honest, I was thinking anything..I was just..enjoying the feeling.." 

"Oh okay.." Jae sighs. "Well, we can..continue if you want or just go to bed.." 

"That's..up to you..I don't want you to think I- Jae, I like you..I just don't know if I'm ready for-" 

"No it's fine..really. I understand." Jae gives him a warm smile but Dowoon sees his cheek twitch. "Let's go to sleep. Don't worry about it." 

Jae grabs the comforter and pulls it over his body after turning the portable heater on. Dowoon lowers his head and lies back. He crawls under the blanket and turns to face the opposite of Jae. 

He waits for Jae to fall asleep, which doesn't take long, before turning towards him. Jae shivers violently despite the tent being warm. Dowoon carefully scoots closer to him, wrapping his arm around his waist and pulling him against his body. He rests his head on Jae's back and closes his eyes, attempting to sleep.

---

Dowoon stares at the ceiling as he attempts to sleep. Everytime he closes his eyes, he sees the photos of Jae from the police. How he looked peaceful yet so..wrong. 

He sits up and rubs his face, looking over to the alarm clock sitting on his nightstand. It's already 3am. It's the weekend so he doesn't need to be asleep but he wants to be after such a long week. 

The floor creaks as he walks out to the living room. He looks over to the couch, seeing Younghyun sleeping peacefully on his stomach. The boy's feet hang over the side and his face is shoved into a pillow. Dowoon frowns, knowing Younghyun isn't ready to sleep in the same bed as him yet. 

Younghyun flinches and opens his eyes, feeling a presence near him. Dowoon sits on the floor, in front of him. 

"Hey." Younghyun closes one eye, trying to keep himself awake. 

Dowoon reaches up, softly placing his hand on Younghyun’s head. "I didn't mean to wake you up." 

"Are you okay?" 

"Not really." 

Younghyun closes his eyes as Dowoon pets his hair, resting his hand over his. "Do you want me to sleep in the room with you?" 

"Yeah.." He whispers. 

Younghyun groans as he pushes himself up, grabbing Dowoon’s hand and walking them to the bedroom. He lays Dowoon down, getting into bed from the opposite side. Dowoon attempts to hide his whimper as Younghyun wraps his arm around his torso, pulling him close. 

"It's okay. I'm here. I'm not leaving." Younghyun kisses Dowoon’s shoulder blade before slowly drifting back to sleep. 

“Promise me, please..” Dowoon whispers, a lump forming in his throat. 

“I promise.”   

---

Younghyun startles himself awake, his neck stiff and his arm itching like mad. He looks around, remembering that he hung out with that guy and must have fallen asleep on his couch. 

Fuck..

Sitting across from him, is that boy, triedly watching TV while wrapped in a blanket. Younghyun’s eyes travel to the coffee table. It’s covered in cigarette ashes, crushed red bull cans..and a needle. Now..now he remembers what happened. 

He sits up, scratching at the pit of his elbow. 

“Morning, man.” The boy groggily greets him. “There’s granola bars in the kitchen if you’re hungry.” He pushes the blanket from his body, reaching for his energy drink on the floor. “There’s also a red bull in the fridge if you want it. I need to go to the store so don’t feel bad drinking it.” 

Younghyun nods, weakly pushing himself up and wobbling to the kitchen. His head pounds as he walks to the pantry, scanning it for the food. He isn’t very hungry but a granola bar sounds perfect. And there they sit. He grabs two, stuffing one in his pocket. Before he walks to the fridge, he stops, grabbing one more bar. 

The fridge is empty, aside from the red bull and various condiments. He cracks the drink open, trudging back to the couch. His phone lays on the cushion, nearly dead. The screen is filled with multiple texts and missed calls from Sungjin and Wonpil. 

“I- need to go, man.” Younghyun grabs his jacket from the floor. “My roommate is freaking out.” 

The boy waves. “It’s cool. You’ve got my number so anytime you want to chill again, let me know.” 

Younghyun leaves, rubbing his face in annoyance with himself. He makes his way down the street. Thankfully, he isn't far from the dorm but he doesn’t fully like this area of town. One hand digs deep in his pocket and plays with his pocket knife, the other clutching the drink. 

What the fuck is wrong with you..You let him pressure you like a fucking idiot. 

He makes it back to the dorm, Sungjin sitting up from his bed. 

“Where the fuck have you been?” Sungjin calms his heart, relieved that Younghyun is alive. 

Younghyun stretches, plugging his phone in and clearing all his notifications. “I went to a friend’s house. Sorry. I fell asleep and didn’t hear my phone go off.” 

He sits at his desk, opening his laptop. Sungjin rolls his eyes, wondering who the fuck his friend is. He knows Younghyun is allowed to have other friends, but he isn’t really the type to want friends. Younghyun opens his word document, staring at the half written essay due Monday morning. 

Since Younghyun is actually doing his homework, Sungjin leaves him alone, leaving to get both of them some food. Once the door shuts, Younghyun drops his head on the desk. 

He thinks about last night. How relaxed he felt. How he slept so long for once. Whatever he was given stopped his thoughts better than any medication has ever done in the past.

No..What are you doing? You’re fucking better than doing drugs…

---

“Am I a bad person?” Dowoon stares past Younghyun as they sit at the table. He drops his head and picks at his food. “I think I’m doing the right thing but I always end up hurting people.” 

“You’re an amazing person. It’s just-” Younghyun sighs. “You’re too nice, sometimes. You don’t realize that you’re hurting others or yourself.”

Dowoon’s lip twitches as he attempts to hide himself tearing up. “How?” 

“Sometimes, you just..don’t see the future consequences of things, only the present. And..” He rests his arms on the table. “It seems like once you fix one person, you move on to the next broken one without a thought for how you meant to the last.” 

“Oh-” 

Younghyun fidgets slightly, not wanting to hurt Dowoon with his words. “I just..I wonder how long it’ll be for you to replace me with someone new.” 

He winces, seeing Dowoon bury his face in his hands and begin to tremble. Dowoon sniffles hard, trying his best to stop his tears. 

“I don’t want to replace you..” Dowoon hiccups, pulling at his hair. “Oh god..that’s why Jae felt so bad and why he felt guilty...I’m so fucking stupid. What is wrong with me? I just wanted to help people..” He cries out, digging his head into his arms on the table. “I’m sorry..I’m so sorry..” 

Younghyun avoids looking at Dowoon, knowing he isn’t apologizing just to him. “I know it hurts, but I want to help you..”  

Dowoon sits up and wipes his face, shaking his head. “No it’s fine. I understand.” He coughs and grabs his head once more. “Thank you.” 

“I also don’t want you to get overwhelmed by someone telling you they need them.” 

“No-” He spits out. “If someone needs me, I want them to tell me.”

Younghyun lets out a choppy breath, his eyes drying slightly. “I need you.” 

---

Sungjin walks into the counseling center of the campus. This is his first day back to work since Jae passed. The cafe sent him home for the week after he broke down and threw a drink at the wall. He isn't exactly ready to be here but Tuesdays are usually slow. Most of the students check themselves in anyway so all he does is sit at the desk and look at his phone. 

He pauses and stares at the bulletin board across the lobby. Jae's picture is posted at the top and there are letters surrounding it, explaining people's sadness for his loss. Sungjin’s chest aches and his breathing quickens. He sits down once he feels tears fall down his cheeks. 

His head hits the desk and he buries himself in his arms. The door to one of the offices opens and Sungjin feels a hand lightly touch his back. He sits up and sniffles, wiping his face dry. 

"I'm sorry." He coughs. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" The woman asks him softly. "I have some time." 

Sungjin looks back to the board and nods, standing and walking into her office. He sits heavily in the chair as the woman closes the door. She goes to her desk and waits for Sungjin to speak his mind. 

"I've always been able to handle hard situations." Sungjin stares at the floor. "But he was my everything.." 

The woman nods, offering him a tissue. "It's normal to feel this way, Sungjin. You're strong for being able to get up and come to school." 

"I failed him so many times. He just wanted to feel loved and, even if he had it, it wasn't enough. I was never Dowoon. He was the one that Jae connected with. I was just..someone to distract him from that." He growls in frustration from crying so much. "It's not that he didn't love me. He did. But I guess it's hard to let go of the first love when they fucking lived together." 

"We can never really know what's going on in someone's head. It's a shame and it's painful but you'll be able to heal from this." 

Sungjin shakes his head, rubbing his eyes with his palms. "No, I knew. He told me everything he felt the night before..We fought about it." 

The woman tries her best to give Sungjin a warming smile but in reality, she is hurt by it too. Jae had been seeing her since freshman year. He was also kind and when he was happy, his smile lit the room. This is the first day replacing his slot with a new student.

"At least my last words were 'I love you' but I wish..I fucking wish I let him stay." He whimpers. "But he knew what he was doing. He had this planned. He tried his best to push everyone away at the end."

"It makes the goodbye easier."

Chapter Text

Sungjin perks up as there is a knock on his front door. He gets up and answers it, surprised to see Jae pushing himself inside. Jae jumps into his arms, blindly closing the door behind him. He plasters their lips together, moving down the hall. Sungjin stumbles along as Jae pulls his jacket off, bumping into the bedroom door. 

They go in, Jae throwing Sungjin on the bed. Sungjin laughs to himself, wondering what's gotten into him. Jae crawls on top of him and buries into his neck. Sungjin wraps his arm around Jae’s waist, pushing him up. 

“You’re very excited today.” He catches his breath. 

Jae shakes above him, digging his fingertips into the blankets. “I’m ready.” 

“What do you mean?” 

Jae grinds hard against Sungjin, fumbling to link their fingers together. “I want you.” 

Sungjin leans up to plant a kiss on Jae’s nose. He smiles and rolls the boy over, so he sits on top. Jae stares up to him, eyes glossing. His eyes flicker closed as Sungjin presses their lips together, resting his hand on Jae’s thigh. 

---

Younghyun walks into a large  building, trying to swallow his anxiety. This is his first job since the movie..and that was only two weeks of filming. The movie has been out for three days and has been successful so far. Younghyun was paid fairly but wants to work to keep his mind busy. Though, there are still many events he has to attend throughout the month, he doesn’t really want the attention. A few people have recognized him and it feels nice receiving the attention. But he just wants to keep a low profile since he didn’t actually play a large role. Seeing his face on movie posters, TV ads, and billboards, still feels a bit odd. 

He is volunteering at a crisis hotline center, knowing Dowoon is happy he is helping others as well. It won’t really make him money, but maybe he will learn a few things while here. His manager greets him as he walks into the main floor. The woman takes him to her office to brief him. 

She smirks to herself as she types on her computer. Younghyun questions, hoping to make some sort of connection so things aren’t awkward. 

“I saw a movie the other day and you look just like one of the actors. “ She says. 

Younghyun smiles brightly and lowers his head, nodding slightly. “That was probably me.” 

“No way!” She laughs and looks closer to him, grabbing her phone from the desk. Younghyun tilts his head as she looks up the cast for the movie she saw. “Kang Younghyun!” She yells out, reading his name. “Why are you working here, then?” 

“Want to help out while waiting.” His smile falls slightly, becoming more somber. “I want to be here.”

The woman mirrors his expression, remembering the conversation the two had when they first met. “A lot of the volunteers here do too. You’ll always feel that heaviness after losing someone. It’s not going to be easy and you need to prepare yourself for the ones that don’t hang on.” 

“I know..But the few that I can talk down from the edge are worth it.”

---

Jae lays across the couch in the counseling center's lobby. He waits for his visit, wishing Sungjin would hurry up with setting up a new student. His hand hangs off the edge, playing with a loose thread of the carpet. 

"Jae, sit up so she can sit and finish her paperwork." Sungjin yells over, throwing a pen at the boy. 

"Fiiiiine." Jae groans and rolls onto the floor, the girl awkwardly sitting down. He stays on the ground and looks up at the student. "What's good?" 

Sungjin sighs and shakes his head. "This is why you're in therapy." 

A door opens beside the desk, a woman peeking her head out to the lobby. She raises a brow seeing the boy on the carpet, his feet propped on the wall. 

"Jae, what the hell are you doing?" She walks over. 

"Waitin on you." He points to her before pushing himself up.

"Listen, they only clean these floors once a week. I wouldn't lay there." 

The two walk into the office and Sungjin looks to the girl. She tries her best to not stare at the door. 

"Don't worry, he only acts like that when he's bored." Sungjin smiles. “That and he’s just really annoying.”

---

Dowoon sits up from the couch, grabbing his phone as it rings. Younghyun looks up to him from the floor, listening into the conversation. 

"I have to go to work." Dowoon jumps up, grabbing his keys, awkwardly grabbing the gun from the table. 

Younghyun pouts. He hates when Dowoon has to work in the evening. Especially because that means he's going to a crime scene and it takes him hours to come home. 

Dowoon's been working at this new agency for 3 months and although he loves it, Younghyun can tell the crimes brother him. He wasn’t sure how he felt at first having to go through firearms training and being sworn in as an officer. And the exhaustion of taking online courses for Criminology. But the boy assures he's fine as long as he's helping people in some way. 

"Be safe." Younghyun closes his eyes as Dowoon kisses the top of his head. "Love you."

Dowoon rushes out and runs to his car. He was told to meet the crew at the scene and is sent the address. It's still odd walking into the scene of a crime. The smell of blood is always hard to shake. The first month after being hired on fully was the worst. He was fine working in the lab but the crime scenes are intense. Especially those dealing with children. And he feels guilty straying away from science and lab work to focus more on the crimes. Jae told him to be the best scientist, but Dowoon prefers being more involved in the cases helping people. 

He drives on, knowing the address already. It's the building Younghyun grew up in. Dowoon isn't too surprised that someone was murdered there. He winces at his morbid thoughts but in reality, Younghyun didn't exactly live in a safe place. 

When he pulls into the lot, he sees a crew and police standing outside. He finds a spot and rushes over. His supervisor hands him his gear. 

"It's apartment 203, I'll meet you up there in a second." The man tells Dowoon, pointing to the doors of the building. 

Dowoon nods, making his way. It feels so odd being here without Younghyun. But thankfully, he remembers the 200's because Sungjin's mom lived in 216. They go to visit her once a week to eat dinner and talk about life. Younghyun finally came out to the woman. She took it well, saying she assumed since she's known him. After all, her real son is gay and tends to stick with people he is similar to. 

Once Dowoon reaches the floor, he is greeted by the rest of the crime scene analysis team and an officer. He gears up completely, pulling his mask over his face before continuing down the hall. 

"Last one on the right." The officer nods to him. 

He thanks her, stopping for a second when he realizes exactly where he is. Shit.

He walks in and is shocked to see the amount of blood and fluids pooling across the living room floor. Thankfully, the body is still pretty fresh so the smell isn’t too bad. The clean up crew is gonna have a hell of a time with this one. 

"Jesus.." Dowoon looks around the room, beer cans and empty packs of cigarettes scattered across the floor. His eyes travel to the ceiling, noticing a few sprays of blood. "Someone other than me stood up to Mr. Kang." 

"Yoon, do you know the victim?" His supervisor walks up behind him, causing him to jump. 

Dowoon turns and nods, noticing an old picture of Younghyun hanging on the wall. "He's my boyfriend's father. I punched the fucker the first and only time I met him." 

The man laughs. "So you killed him, huh?" 

"I wish." He sneers. "He was abusive as hell. First thing he did when I met him was smack his son across the face, left a welt for an entire day." 

"I think I'd kill him, too." His supervisor gestures how he believes Mr. Kang was killed. "Is your boyfriend going to take this well?" 

Dowoon sighs, looking around for any evidence, somehow seeing a broken nail underneath the couch. "He might celebrate." 

The crew continue to collect evidence and take pictures for a few more hours. Once they finish, Dowoon follows his supervisor out, taking their shoe covers off and unzipping their suits. He breathes in the fresher air after taking his mask off. His supervisor reaches into his pocket, pulling out his wallet. 

"Here." He hands Dowoon some cash. "Don't worry about coming back to the lab, get you and your boyfriend some beer and relax." 

Dowoon scoffs and rolls his eyes. "Yes, sir.” 

---

Jae gets into his car, throwing his backpack on the passenger's seat. He just wants to get home and go to sleep after meeting with his advisor. It's not that it went poorly, the interaction was just..draining. Jae knows he needs to make up his science credit but is able to push it off until later. He'll probably take a lab with Dowoon so he can help him understand. 

He continues on, stuck in thought. His body is on autopilot. This semester went horribly but at least he can fix his mistakes and he didn't lose his loans or grants. 

He pulls up to the stop sign at the intersection a block from the apartment. As he signals and begins to turn, there is a loud honk, screeching, and then a hit. His shoulder and head hit the window and he attempts to raise his arms up to shield from any broken glass. 

"Fuck.." He turns the car off and tries to open the door. The impact jammed it, causing him to panic slightly. "Fuck fuck fuck."

He looks over to the other car, seeing the driver laying against their steering wheel. Other cars stop to check on both of them. People rush from their homes to see what the noise was. A woman stands at his door, yelling for him to stay calm. Two men attempt to get the door open, rushing to the passenger's side instead. 

Jae's initial shock quickly wears off and he suddenly realizes the damage to his body. He feels nauseous. The airbags had deployed, having burned his cheek so badly, he barely realizes his nose is bleeding. His head pounds and his vision blurs as he tries to move once more. 

He reaches into his pocket, pulling his phone out. His hands shake as he dials Dowoon’s number. 

“Hello?” Dowoon answers, perking his head up after hearing sirens both down the road and through the phone. 

“I just..got into an accident.” Jae’s words are chopped as he tries to calm himself, still a bit confused. “I’m sorry..You’re mom’s going to be so mad at me. The car is fucked.”

Dowoon jumps from the couch and grabs his keys. “Are you okay? Where are you?” 

“8th street..at the 4-way.” He looks up as a medic and firefighter rush to his car, nodding off slightly. “Fuck.”

Dowoon curses and runs out the door, knowing it’ll be easier to get down the road if he went on foot. He can already see the lights from the emergency crew once he leaves the parking lot. There is a small crowd standing to the side, mingling about the incident. He rushes to the car after seeing the damage. 

The driver’s side is crushed, a white sports car smashed against the engine. There is glass everywhere. He can see Jae being pulled out onto a board from the passenger’s side. 

“Shit.” He holds his breath as he runs closer. 

“Sir, everything’s okay here, please step back.” A police officer blocks him from getting closer. 

Dowoon growls in annoyance. “Ma’am, with all due respect, that’s my best friend and I will not have anyone stop me from getting to him.” 

The woman lets him through. He runs the paramedics, looking down at Jae. The boy’s face and shirt are covered in dried blood. Jae tries to greet him but the oxygen mask muffles his voice too much. His eyes flicker as the medication the medics gave him begin to set in. Dowoon holds his hand as he falls asleep. 

---

Younghyun opens the door and greets a woman as she walks in. She looks around, impressed with how nice the flat is. Younghyun takes her coat and sets it on the back of the chair in the dining area. He sets his soda down and goes to the kitchen to get the woman her own drink. 

“I have to be honest, I never thought you’d get a place this nice.” She sits, setting her purse on her lap. “I’m glad I flew up here.” She blinks slowly and looks towards the kitchen, grabbing her glass of water. “Younghyun, can you put ice in this?”

He groans but grabs the cup and goes to get her some ice. “I didn’t really do anything to afford this place.” Younghyun takes a seat across from her, keeping a flat expression and clenching his jaw. “My boyfriend has a really good job.” 

The woman nods. “I visited your father, today.” She watches Younghyun closely as he takes a drink of his soda. “He was pretty much the same. I think you were the only good thing I got out of him.” Her lips curl up as she stares over to him. “I’m glad you are doing better after your incident in December. You are okay now, yes?” 

“I’m a college dropout living 15 minutes from the man that ruined my life and now you’re here reminding me of these shitty things.” He takes another drink, swallowing back sudden nausea. “I’m not doing well, I’m living with someone doing well.” His pulse spikes. “I’m just waiting for some fucking peace.”

“You are an actor, my dear. You will shine like some of the best.” She smiles softly. “Everyone will remember you. But you don’t have to worry about your father, he won’t bother you anymore.”

Younghyun blinks hard, feeling a rush go to his head. His vision blurs and his body heavies, noticing her odd behavior. “Mom? Why are you being so..” He grabs the table, looking at his can of soda. “What did you do?” 

“Don’t worry, baby. You will have your peace soon.” 

The boy’s eyes begin to water and he attempts to stand, falling to the floor on his hands and knees. His breathing becomes labored as he reaches for his mother’s leg. “What the fuck..”

She stands and leans down, resting her hand on Younghyun’s cheek. “I love you, Younghyun.” She backs away as he throws her hand off. “You’re my star.” 

He pulls himself back to his chair, sitting down once more. His mouth numbs. “I don’t want this…what did you do, mom?” He twitches his lip, glaring at the woman and shoving his hands against the table. “What the fuck did you do!?” 

“Don’t get angry with me, Younghyun.” She frowns, grabbing Younghyun’s wrist as he picks his phone up. “The police won’t help you get the demons out.” 

Tears fall down Younghyun’s face as his hands begin to numb. He attempts screaming for help but his mother jumps over and covers his mouth. Younghyun attempts to punch her off but he becomes extremely disoriented and weak. He gets one last push of strength but the woman’s hand wraps tightly around his throat. His body twitches uncontrollably and he kicks back before he falls against the table. He claws at the wood, gasping violently for air. 

---

Dowoon goes to unlock the front door, confused that it’s already unlocked. He yells out for Younghyun, walking into the living room with some suspicions that something is wrong.

Younghyun lays folded against the dining area table, unmoving and eyes closed. Dowoon goes over, assuming the boy just fell asleep. He goes to him and gently shakes him. His brow furrows as he notices saliva coming from his mouth. Then he notices the boy isn’t breathing. 

Dowoon gasps and grabs him, checking his pulse. He pulls him to the floor and turns his head to the side. His vision blurs through tears as he calls an ambulance. 

He cries out, pressing at Younghyun’s chest. His eyes scan the area for clues, only seeing the can of Coke and a glass of water on the table. He yells as he feels Younghyun’s ribs crack under his palms. Younghyun’s face is pale and his body is completely limp. Dowoon lets out chopped breaths, seeing images of Jae flash in his mind. 

He can hear sirens getting closer as an ambulance pulls into the lot. After another minute, there’s a knock on the door. Not wanting to stop the chest compressions, Dowoon yells for them to enter. 

The medics take over and Dowoon begins to analyze the scene as best he can through his dizziness. He knows there must have been another person in the room. The door was already unlocked and the chair across from Younghyun’s is pulled out. He grabs Younghyun’s phone and goes through the call log, seeing he spoke with his mom about an hour ago. 

He grabs his hair and whimpers. There’s no way someone tried to kill Younghyun. Who would even want to hurt him that’s alive? Did he gain a stalker from the movie? Fuck..

He snaps back to reality, running out the door along with the paramedics. Younghyun has a mask over his face, still unconscious but breathing again. He calls his supervisor once he gets in the ambulance. 

“Do you know anything about the Mr. Kang case, yet?” Dowoon asks, dropping his face in his hand. “His son was attacked after the murder.” 

“Shit, how so?” The man stops his paperwork and pays closer attention. “We’re still waiting on tests to come back but we have DNA from the door that has a ping but nothing to match it with.”

“My guess is he was given something. He was basically foaming from the mouth and the only thing on the table were two drinks.” 

His supervisor goes quiet for a moment. “Go be with him, I’ll see if I can send cops and a crew to your place to get evidence. There could be DNA on the drink and maybe it’ll match. Still won’t know who but..anything to help.” He sighs, Dowoon hearing him pick up the office phone and make another call. “Dowoon, I mean it. Don’t think analytically about this. Be a human and a boyfriend first. We will handle this. You’re officially on vacation.” 

“What? Why?” 

“The police will meet you at the hospital. I fucking hope to see you back at work, Dowoon.”  

Dowoon goes quiet for a moment, realizing what the man means. “I didn’t do anything! You have my prints!” 

“I believe you. But you know you’re going to be a suspect.” 

Dowoon whimpers and hangs up, not wanting to be accused of two crimes he didn’t commit. Especially because there seems to be so much evidence helping his case. He looks down to Younghyun and notices the boy’s eyes flickering.

Younghyun weakly tries to pull his oxygen mask off but the medic and Dowoon stop him. He wants to scream but still feels like puking. His legs won’t move and it took all his energy to lift his arms. Dowoon leans over him, tears welling in his eyes as he caresses his cheek. 

“It’s okay, don’t worry. You’re okay, Younghyun. Stay calm."

He moves back as Younghyun’s body bucks and his pulse spikes. The medic quickly unhooks the straps from his chest and rolls him on the side. Younghyun heaves a few times before throwing up. Dowoon falls back into his seat and yells out as Younghyun begins to seize. 

The ambulance stops and Dowoon can barely move enough to follow the crew out. His legs shake, still not sure he understands what is happening around him. He can’t lose Younghyun, that’s all he knows. 

By the time he reaches the ER, two police officers are waiting to speak with him. They greet him, both knowing him from work. The woman was at the crime scene just an hour ago.  Dowoon throws his shoulder against the wall, ready to completely collapse. The officers take him down the hall and find a quiet place to sit.

“Your boss called us and let us know a bit of what's going on. Do you want to tell us what happened?” The woman sits beside him, crossing her legs. 

“I came home and Younghyun was passed out against the table. There were two drinks. I know the coke was his, he doesn’t drink water. I panicked and just..called 119.” Dowoon speaks, closing his eyes to calm himself. “The scene you and I were at today..that was his father."

She nods then furrows her brow. “Is there anyone you can think of that would want to hurt him or if he may have harmed himself?” 

“Other than his father? No. But I checked his phone and he talked to his mom.” He scoffs. “Someone that I’d understand killing Mr. Kang but not her son. He never really talked bad about her.” He lets out a pressured breath. “I know that I look bad but I wouldn’t hurt Younghyun.” 

“There are cameras outside the lot of Mr. Kang’s building. We are checking them now.” She keeps a close eye on Dowoon's movements. "We aren't saying you did anything, Dowoon. We just want to get the story straight."

Dowoon’s head shoots up and he leans closer to the woman. “Holy shit. I have security cams in my fucking apartment.” He gets his phone out and pulls up the security app. He clicks on the video for the dining area and scrolls until he leaves for work. The officer watches over his shoulder, twisting her face at the sight. “Oh my god..” 

He covers his mouth and watches Younghyun’s mother pour a liquid into Younghyun’s drink when he walks back to the kitchen. Dowoon’s breath hikes as Younghyun takes a drink. He gives the phone to the officer and buries his head in his hands. This feels like a shitty crime movie. 

His ears perk as he hears someone calling in a suicide over the radio. The male officer turns the volume down on his radio and walks away. 

“I’m going to puke.” 

---

Jae pokes at the bandage across his nose, flinching back in pain. He lays on the ER bed, wishing he could just leave already. Dowoon calls his mom and Jae feels his body fill with anxiety. 

“Hey, uh Jae got into an accident.” Dowoon speaks calmly. “Yes, he’s okay. His nose is busted and he’s still a bit shaken up but he’ll be okay. Another car swiped him, I overheard police say he was drinking. -yeah this early.” 

“I’m sorry..” Jae whimpers. 

“Jae, she’s not mad at you.” He sighs before paying attention to his mother again. “Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll let you know when we’re home. Love you, too. Bye.” 

Jae looks away from Dowoon, trying to blink his tiredness away. “She’s not mad?” 

Dowoon smiles and shakes his head. “She’s glad you’re okay.” 

“I don’t think I want to drive again for a while.” 

“That’s fine. I don’t have any problems driving you around. “ 

---

Younghyun lays on the bed in the dorm, staring at his phone and waiting for his friend to text him back. He turns the screen off and hides the phone once the door opens. Sungjin walks in and throws his bag on the bed. Younghyun sits up, panicking slightly when his friend replies. He watches Sungjin reach into Younghyun’s food bin and he holds his breath. 

“What are you doing?” Younghyun tries to stop him. 

Sungjin raises a brow, seeing a small bag and a needle at the bottom. He pulls the bag out and Younghyun just stares. His face pales and his cheeks numb, knowing he’s been caught. 

“The fuck is this?” Sungjin shoves the bag into Younghyun’s face.

Younghyun sputters and scrambles to his feet. He attempts to grab the bag. Sungjin steps back, making Younghyun stumble into his chest. 

“Listen-” Younghyun puts his hands up in defense. 

Sungjin grabs him by the shirt and pulls him forward. “Don’t you fucking dare try to explain yourself. You fucking idiot!” 

He shakes Younghyun, swinging his fist at his cheek. Younghyun falls into the desk and curses as he drops to the floor. His body fills with adrenaline but that only allows tears to fall down his face faster. Sungjin grabs him and smacks at his body. He yells but Younghyun can’t understand him, just curling into himself. 

Sungjin realizes that Younghyun is crying and shaking, snapping him from his anger. He drops down and grits his teeth, pulling Younghyun to sit up. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” His voice is soft but his heart pounds against his chest. 

Younghyun takes a few heavy breaths, trying to calm his sobs. “I’m sorry! I just wanted to feel better!” He buries into Sungjin’s lap and hugs him. “I hate thinking.” 

“Brian..this isn’t how you feel better. You’re going to destroy your body..” 

“It’s better than the voices in my head telling me to die.” 

Sungjin wraps his arms around Younghyun and grabs the back of his head. “Just tell me when you’re feeling this way. I’ll help you, instead.” He twitches. “If you touch that shit again, I will rip your hair out one strand at a time.” 

Chapter Text

Sungjin sits at the desk, half listening to the news on the TV hanging above the couch in the lobby. One counselor is on break and is eating lunch with Sungjin. They play on their phones, but their heads both perk up when the next news story begins. 

“New actor, Kang Younghyun, who played Doctor Lee in Forensic Lies, was found unconscious in his Incheon apartment Sunday night by his roommate. This morning, it was confirmed his mother had poisoned him before taking her own life in the airport parking lot. The entire incident was captured on two security cameras set up in the apartment. As of our last report, Mr. Kang is stable and has been moved to a private room at an undisclosed hospital.” 

Sungjin shoots up and grabs his car keys from the desk. He shoves all his things into his backpack, fumbling to call Dowoon.

“Hello?” Dowoon yawns, sitting up in his cot. 

“Where the fuck are you?” Sungjin’s voice is panicked and loud enough to startle the counselor. “What fucking hospital?” He throws the backpack over his shoulder and apologizes to the woman before sprinting out. The woman follows him, yelling for him to stop and explain what’s wrong. He turns and walks back, calming himself down a bit. “That actor is my brother.”

“I’ll text you the info.” Dowoon blinks, keeping a close eye on Younghyun. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I had to deal with bullshit from work and the police.” 

Sungjin gets into his car and wastes no time peeling out of the parking lot. “It’s fine.” He connects his phone to his bluetooth and sighs. “So, fucking explain to me. His mom tried to kill him? Like not my mom but his real mom?” 

“Yeah, I don’t know everything yet and they won’t let me look at most of the case info.” Dowoon sighs. He was allowed to come back to work, but mainly desk duty, or working from his laptop at the hospital. Despite pleading, his supervisor refused to let him even see the evidence in the lab in case he messes with it. Part of him understands but the other part finds it ridiculous that he is still treated like a suspect, especially when it's such an open and shut case. “She uh, killed his father and then I guess went to our place.” 

“Is Younghyun…”

“He’s okay. No brain damage, thankfully. He’s still in the ICU, despite what the reports say. I told the press that to leave us the fuck alone.” His body trembles, hating having to see the tube shoved down Younghyun’s throat. “They want to take the breathing tube out to see if he can breathe on his own again, then move him upstairs. I can ask them to wait until you get here.” 

“Yes, please fucking wait. I’ll be there in a few hours.” 

Sungjin hangs up and speeds down the highway, a wild mix of emotions taking over his body. 

---

Dowoon’s head hangs off the side of the couch, Jae sitting on the floor in front of him doing his homework. Jae stares at the wall, stuck listening to his impulsive thoughts. 

Do it for once..You always stop it..What’s the worst that could happen? 

He slowly closes his notebook and throws it hard across the room. Dowoon raises a brow as Jae turns to him with a flat expression. 

“We should get tattoos.” Jae blinks. 

Dowoon sighs and sits up. “You didn’t take your medicine today, did you?” 

Jae’s eyes shift to the side as he pouts. He groans and stands, dragging his feet to take his medication. Once he comes back, he walks past his notebook and sits back down. He taps his fingers against the table. 

“If you got a tattoo, what would you get?” Jae asks, crawling up to the couch beside Dowoon. 

Dowoon scrunches his nose. “I guess one of my sister’s drawings.” 

“I don’t know how to word this but- is that cute or sad?” 

Dowoon snorts and shakes his head. He stands up and walks over to the bookshelf in the corner of the room, pulling out a scrapbook. “Both?” He flops back down and flips the book open, leaning closer to Jae. “She’s sick but doing well. We only get to see her so often because she was sent to a hospital out of the country.” He flips. “Every holiday she sends me a drawing.” 

“Oh, how long has she been gone?” 

“About 4 years. She went when she was 5.” He smiles at a photo of all of them together for her 7th birthday. “Like I said, she’s still doing well and doctors said she’ll be out by the time she starts high school.” 

Jae nods and tries to push back the negative thoughts creeping in the back of his mind. “I’m glad.”

“I think..that’s why I don’t like being alone.” Dowoon tilts his head. 

“We should definitely get tattoos.” 

---

“Okay, Younghyun-” A nurse speaks while placing an oxygen mask in his hand. “I’m going to take this tube out and once I remove it, I want you to use the mask.” He nods and closes his eyes. This is the first day he’s been conscious enough to understand everything around him. “Alright, it’s going to feel a bit uncomfortable. I want you to take a big breath in-and exhale.”

Dowoon, Sungjin, and Wonpil stay in the corner, holding their breath as the woman undoes the tape and deflates the cuff on the tube. She pulls the tube out and everyone shudders at the amount of fluid that comes out with it, even after suctioning it. His feeding tube is also taken out but the woman already has an NG tube prepared to replace it.  

“Okay, good. Now, can you give me a big cough?” She smiles and nods as Younghyun follows direction. 

He pulls the oxygen mask over his face and takes deep breaths, struggling with the switch. His hands shake and the reality of his situation sets in. Tears well in his eyes as he heaves for air. Dowoon rushes over and wraps his arms around Younghyun’s back. 

“It’s okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” Dowoon soothes him. 

Younghyun sobs out and buries into Dowoon’s chest. He claws at his shirt, nausea filling his body. Dowoon carefully wraps his arms around him, rocking him side to side. 

“Hey, you need to breathe for us. Okay?” Dowoon sits him up and cradles his cheeks. “It’s really important.” 

“She tried to kill me..” Younghyun yells, Dowoon laying him back down. “Please don’t leave me.” 

Dowoon’s lip twitches and he lets out a broken sigh. “It’s okay. I know..you don’t have to worry about that, Younghyun. Just relax. We aren’t leaving you.” 

---

Despite Jae not wanting to drive, for his birthday, he was given Dowoon’s father’s old sedan. He is thankful and knows he will use it- just rarely. It makes him feel better knowing it’s used..even if it’s still only 3 years old and is low on miles.    

All day, Jae has been fighting nausea. He doesn't want Dowoon to worry or ruin his birthday by getting sick. Dowoon understood when he said he didn't want to drink tonight but he still feels guilty. 

The two sit on the couch. Dowoon finishes his calculus homework as Jae texts Sungjin. Sungjin still has an hour left of work before he can come see him. 

"I'm gonna take a shower." Jae stands and stretches. "Maybe it'll help me feel better."

Dowoon nods and Jae makes his way down the hall. 

Jae starts the water, walking to his room and getting an actual clean change of clothes. He checks over his shoulder before grabbing a box cutter blade from his drawer. His head aches as he quietly pushes back into the bathroom, locking the door. 

The water relaxes him enough to ease his shoulders. He keeps his head under the water, eyes closed and wishing the pain would go away. A soft sigh escapes his lips as he fights the urge to scream. His brain conjures up images of him slipping and cracking his head open on the tile, making him dizzy. 

As much as he wishes for a longer shower, his racing heartbeat tells him to either lower the temperature or get out. He stops the water and steps onto the mat, staring at the blade sitting on the vanity. His eyes barely leave it as he dries off and changes. He shakily grabs it and sits down, his back against the tub. From under the bathmat, he pulls a black hand towel out. It’s amazing that Dowoon hasn’t found it yet. 

He lays the towel across his leg and holds the blade to his arm. It stings as he makes the first cut and he muffles a groan, curling his hand into a fist from the pain. The cut is deeper and longer than he expected, forgetting this was a new blade. He continues on until he hits the fat. The towel is soaked with blood, seeping into the fabric of his jeans. He stares at the cut before making one last slash. 

His heart rate spikes and he stares in shock. He went too deep..Shit. He stands and rushes over to the sink, trying to wash the blood off. The cut doesn’t stop bleeding and panic rises more and more. There is a soft knock on the door and Jae cries out. He unlocks the door but doesn’t open it. Before Dowoon walks in, Jae throws the bloody towel under the sink. His head spins and he falls into the cabinets as the door opens. 

“Fuck-” Dowoon drops down, grabbing Jae’s bloody arm. “What did you do?” 

“I went too deep..” Jae curls into himself, nausea refilling his body and his face paling.

Dowoon pulls Jae up but the boy pushes away, stumbling to the toilet and dropping to his knees. Jae shivers as he throws up, tears staining his heated cheeks. He gets back to feet, bumping into Dowoon’s shoulder as he walks out. Dowoon grabs him, dragging him into the living room. 

He forces Jae to put his shoes on, grabbing his keys and a handful of paper towels from the kitchen. Jae stares emotionlessly as he places the paper towels to his cut. The two walk out silently. 

Dowoon tries to shake the smell of blood from when he opened the bathroom door. The look of horror and panic on Jae’s face. The fact that Jae has stopped crying and his emotions are now completely flat. All of this makes him want to puke. 

[Baby Jae - 5:03pm]: i accidentally hurt myself..i have to go get stitches…

[Sungjin - 5:07pm]: what happened???

[Baby Jae - 5:09pm]: accident 

[Sungjin - 5:10pm]: jae…

[Sungjin - 5:10pm]: dont lie to me

---

Dowoon wraps his arms around Younghyun as the boy screams out. Younghyun kicks and sobs, wishing this was just a nightmare. Dowoon had broken the news to him that both his parents are gone. Younghyun didn’t care about his father, but hearing that his mother had killed herself sent him into a panic. He claws at his skin, Dowoon stopping him before he bleeds. 

This can’t be real. He must have just had a psychotic break and his brain is lying to him. It makes more sense than everything that’s happened so far. Since he had woken up in the hospital, he worried his mother was going to jail. He was going to forgive her, accepting that she was just sick. 

His mother was always the stable one in the family. Sure, she could be a bit stuck up but he never hated her. And now she’s gone. His family is dead except for him. 

Tears stain his cheeks as a nurse rushes in to check on him. A rush goes to Younghyun’s head and he falls into Dowoon’s chest. He eyes the gun strapped to Dowoon’s hip, twitching his cheek. 

“I should have died too..” He hiccups before thrashing back once more. “Fucking kill me!”

Dowoon pets the top of his head and shushes him. “No, you’re supposed to be alive, Younghyun. I promise. I’ll protect you.” 

“Why? Since you’ve met me, your life has turned into a fucking wreck.” He digs his nails into Dowoon’s waist.  

“I don’t think that.” Dowoon dries his face and kisses his forehead. “I love you.” 

Younghyun stares at the wall, his chest rising and falling out of rhythm. “Get me out of here.” 

The nurse walks over, placing a hand on the bed. She smiles and checks the monitor. “Good news, Younghyun.” His head falls back and he whimpers. “We’ve been talking about letting you go home in the morning. Does that sound good?” 

He nods and she walks out, closing the door to give the two privacy. Dowoon continues to soothe Younghyun until he falls asleep. He runs his fingers through Younghyun’s hair, watching his chest slowly rise and fall. His stomach aches, having not eaten in 3 days but he hasn’t been hungry. He just wants Younghyun to be okay before he can take care of himself. 

---

Younghyun happily greets Wonpil as he walks into the dorm. Wonpil places a large box on the ground and wraps his arms around Younghyun. 

“I still have a few things in the hallway to bring in.” Wonpil squishes his face against Younghyun’s shoulder before pulling off. 

Younghyun helps him bring in his clothes and food. The two set up Wonpil’s side of the room, Wonpil pinning photos of his kids to the corkboard. He looks around and smiles, happy to be close to his best friends once again. 

“So-” Wonpil sits on his bed and stares at Younghyun. “Sungjin called me a few days ago.” 

Younghyun tilts his head. “Yeah?” 

“He told me about you getting into some shitty things.” He watches Younghyun fidget. “I’m here if you need to talk instead.”

“Oh-uh-no. I’m fine.” 

Wonpil frowns and crosses his arms. “Brian-” 

Younghyun stands and reaches into the mini fridge Sungjin left for him to use, grabbing out two mini vodka bottles. “Shh, let’s drink.” 

“I’ll drink but we aren’t done talking.” Wonpil takes the drink, reaching for a bottle of orange juice from under his bed. “You’re not going to be doing that shit with me here.” 

Younghyun feels his throat tighten, not wanting to have this conversation. He’s a bit pissed that Sungjin told Wonpil but isn’t too surprised. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.” 

“Not gonna work on me. I have children.” 

“I messed up once, okay? My dad found my new number and I needed something to take my mind off the bullshit he spewed at me.” Younghyun huffs. “Is that what you wanted to hear? That I’m a failure? Go ahead and tell Sungjin so he can yell at me again.” 

Wonpil’s lip quivers, his eyes watering. “Younghyun, you’re not a failure. I won’t tell Sungjin if you don’t want me to. I just want you to be okay..” 

Younghyun digs his nails into his thigh, avoiding eye contact. “I’m really fine.” 

---

Dowoon leads Younghyun back into their flat, happy to finally have him back. Younghyun quietly walks to the bedroom and collapses onto the bed. He pulls his legs to his chest and tightly grips the pillow. Tears well in his eyes but he quickly wipes them away when the door opens. Dowoon lays down beside him and wraps his arm around his waist. 

“Just tell me what you need and I’ll try my best to help you.” Dowoon kisses the back of Younghyun’s head. 

“I want to die.” He feels Dowoon hug him tighter. "I'm sorry.." 

Dowoon sighs deeply. "Younghyun, I can't lose you. Can we.. find a therapist for you? Maybe find a good doctor if you want medication.." 

"I don't-" he stiffens hearing Dowoon whimper. "Okay." 

Dowoon pulls away and props himself up as Younghyun rolls onto his back. They stare at each other for a moment before Dowoon brings his hand to Younghyun’s cheek. He tries to hide his trembling but Younghyun notices instantly. 

Younghyun closes his eyes as Dowoon leans closer, softly pressing their lips together. He holds his breath, not wanting to cry again. Dowoon twitches as Younghyun pulls his body on top of his own. He’s not sure if he really wants to do anything sexual but he wants Younghyun to relax. Younghyun claws at his back, his body shaking. 

“Younghyun-” Dowoon pulls away, seeing tears roll down Younghyun’s face. 

“I’m sorry..” Younghyun hiccups and turns away, closing his eyes. “I can’t do this right now.” 

Dowoon rolls back to his side and pulls him into his chest, petting his hair. “You don’t need to do anything, Younghyun. Don’t worry.” 

He holds him tightly, letting him break down once more. Younghyun continues to cry until his body forces him to stop from exhaustion. Dowoon pushes his hair from his face and kisses his forehead. 

"I'm going to take a shower, okay? Then we can go to sleep." Dowoon stands, his bottom lip quivering. "Don't stay up for me." 

He bites this cheek as he walks into the hall, closing the door softly. The bathroom light flickers on and he locks himself inside. He starts the water but steps away, letting his back hit the wall. His cheeks redden and his vision blurs as tears fall down his face. 

His body slides to the floor and he buries his head into his knees. He muffles his sobs, not wanting Younghyun to hear him. The room fills with steam, reminding him that he is supposed to be in the shower. 

He stands and sheds his clothes, stepping into the shower. The water burns his skin but he doesn’t turn it down. He keeps his eyes closed and holds his breath, causing a rush to go to his head. His stomach twinges, causing him to fold over in pain. He gasps for air through his sobs and grabs the wall to keep him steady. 

Younghyun jumps up and he hears Dowoon crying, rushing out of the bedroom. Before he reaches the bathroom, there is a loud crash. He knocks and attempts to open the door. 

“Dowoon?” He yells, hoping the boy just dropped something. “Hey! Are you okay?” 

He tries the door one more time. When Dowoon doesn’t respond, Younghyun rams his shoulder into wood. He groans out in pain but doesn’t back down. The lock finally breaks and he stumbles inside. Dowoon’s body is curled on the shower floor, his head leaning against the glass. 

Younghyun runs over and carefully opens the shower door, turning the water off. He grabs Dowoon’s face and holds it up, reaching for a towel. Dowoon weakly covers himself, still in a daze. 

“I’m okay.” He pulls himself to his feet. “Don’t worry about me.” 

“What happened? Dowoon, I’m going to worry about you. You passed out.” Younghyun grabs him as he sways to the side, staring at his red skin. 

Dowoon puts his jeans back on and stumbles to the door. “I just need to eat. It’s been a week.” 

He dries his hair as he walks to the kitchen. Younghyun follows him, his heart still pounding against his chest. He jumps forward as Dowoon falls again, catching him before he hits the floor. 

“Dowoon, why aren’t you taking care of yourself?” Younghyun sits him on the ground and holds his hands. 

“You’re more important.” Dowoon blinks, his head lowering. “That reminds me, take your medicine..” 

---

“Baaaabe.” Jae whines as he sits next to the desk in the counselor's office.

Sungjin stops working on his homework and stares up at the wall. “Yes, Jae?” 

“Mama Yoon upped my spending money for the month. Do you wanna get some dinner?” 

He straightens himself and smiles as Sungjin pets the top of his head. “Why don’t you save that money instead?” 

“But-I wanna treat you.” He pouts. “Our one year is tomorrow.” 

“I know.” Sungjin smiles, patting Jae’s cheek. “And I have plans for that. Save your money.” 

Jae falls back into the wall and groans. “Come ooon, let me be nice. I want hot pot.” 

Sungjin sighs heavily and rubs his face. “Okay, babe. We can get hot pot.” 

Jae celebrates quietly, immediately getting distracted by a door opening down the hall. He greets the student as they walk out, the boy waving as they walk out. Sungjin rolls his eyes and goes back to his work. He pauses for a moment, seeing Jae lay down across the floor. 

“Jae, did you take your meds today?” He taps his pencil against the desk. 

“We all know that I did not .” Jae puffs his cheeks, propping his feet on the wall. “I’m bored.” 

Sungjin drops his head. “Wonder why..”

Jae pokes Sungjin’s side, making him huff. “Am I annoying you?” 

“Now sweetheart, why would you think that?” He takes a deep breath to keep himself calm. “Why don’t you go meet Dowoon outside his class and I’ll text you after work?” 

“Uggh fine. I’ll take the hint.” 

Jae gets up and grabs his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. Sungjin tries not to stare at the large scar across his forearm, never really telling Jae how much it pains him. He kisses Jae’s cheek, the boy wishing him a good day as he slinks out. 

Jae plugs his headphones in and skips over to the science building. He sits on the bench, crossing his arms as people walk past him. His scars never really bothered him before but knowing Sungjin is hurt by them, makes him want to hide them forever. 

His head perks back up as a crowd of students barrel out of the door. He stands, seeing Dowoon, holding his head. 

“Hey.” Jae steps beside him, nudging his arm. “You okay?” 

“I failed my test and my mom wanted to know what I got on it.” Dowoon throws his head back and groans. 

“Just..lie?” 

Dowoon stops and stares at Jae like he has 3 heads. “Lie? To that woman? HA!” 

Jae shakes his head. “I promise it’s way easier than you think. She won’t know as long as you get your grade back up by the end of the semester.” 

“Oh yeah, mom. I got an A-, oh why didn’t I get an A+?”

“Jae had a doctor’s appointment so I missed a class.” Jae smiles. “See, easy.” 

They get into Dowoon’s car, the boy tossing the failed test into the backseat. “We’ll see if I want to die when she calls.” 

Jae plays with the strap of his backpack, bouncing his leg anxiously. “You’ve really never lied to your parents before?” 

“Wouldn’t dare.” 

“How am I just learning this after two years?” Jae props his feet up on the dash and slides down in the seat. “I lied every chance I got to mine.” 

Dowoon winces slightly. “I think that’s different, Jae..” 

“Eh, doesn’t bother me. You’re right. I was horrifically neglected and you have real parents that actually do parent things.” Jae attempts to stress that he actually isn’t bothered by it. He laughs and looks down as he drops his phone. “That’s why I’m in therapy and you’re not.” 

“Jae, did you take your meds?” 

“Ugh..” Jae sits back up. “Can people stop asking me that? The answer will always be no!” 

Dowoon sighs in frustration. “You need to take better care of yourself.” 

Chapter Text

Younghyun takes a deep breath, staring awkwardly at the woman that sits across from him. She keeps a clipboard on her leg and smiles over to him. 

“So, Younghyun, why don’t you tell me what’s been bothering you the most?” She tries her best to keep eye contact instead of reading his file again. 

Younghyun bounces his leg, biting his nail. “Other than whatI told you for the file..I want to die.” 

“And why is that? Have you been doing anything to help you keep those thoughts at bay?” 

He pauses, his body shaking slightly. “Dropped out of college, my friend died, my mom almost killed me, my boyfriend is destroying himself because of me..he owns a gun..” 

The woman tilts her head and leans forward. “Are you afraid that you’re going to hurt yourself if he keeps it?” 

“He can’t get rid of it, he needs it for work. I don’t know. I’m afraid of death but if I am going to die..I want it to be by my own hands. I just..it’s hard to shake the thoughts.” He digs his fingertips into his cheek. “I’m only here because I know Dowoon thinks I’m going to do it.” 

“If you were to be honest with yourself-pretend you’re talking to yourself, right now-would you truly want to do it?” 

Younghyun stares at the ground, thinking for a moment. His lip quivers and tears well in his eyes. “Yeah.” He grabs a tissue from the table and buries his face in his hands. “I don’t want to go to the hospital again. Can you just..talk to Dowoon and tell him for me? I can’t do it..” 

“Is he still waiting outside?” She sets the clipboard on the desk behind her. “I can talk to him right now if you want. Or did you want me to bring him in and talk with you in here?” 

“I don’t want to see his disappointment…” 

She stands and attempts a supportive smile. “I’m sure he won’t. But why don’t I go get him and you can sit in the activity room while he and I talk?”

He nods and gets up with her. His hands tremble as she leads him to a large room filled with books and games. He sniffles and sits at the table, lowering his head and closing his eyes. 

The woman walks down the hall, pushing the door open to the lobby. She looks around at the people waiting. Dowoon’s head perks up when he hears his name being called. He slowly stands to his feet, stepping towards the woman. She brings him to her office and he stares in confusion, expecting Younghyun to be in here. 

“Nice to meet you.” She sits down, gesturing for Dowoon to take a seat as well. “Younghyun wanted me to talk to you about something he’s worried about telling you.” 

“Is he-okay?” Dowoon asks, despite it being obvious that he isn’t. 

She crosses her legs and sighs. “He’s afraid about being around your gun. Can I ask what your job is and why you need it?” 

“I’m a crime scene investigator and I was sworn in as an officer so I have to carry it.” Dowoon buries his head in his hand and lets out a heavy breath. “I’ve noticed him looking at it when we’re together.” 

“Are you worried he will do something?” 

Dowoon grits his teeth. “He isn’t usually impulsive but..lately..I’ll admit that I’m scared.” 

---

Jae stands at the edge of the sidewalk under the campus, watching the cars drive past him. He digs his nails into his palms, deep in thought. 

Maybe this time, you’ll actually die..

His chest aches as he stares emotionlessly. He moves one foot forward, taking a deep breath in. Before he steps into the road, he feels a hand grab his shirt and pull him back. He stumbles back in their chest, his eyes wide in shock. 

Oh shit..

“Jae!” He looks back, seeing Sungjin equally as shocked. “What the hell are you doing?” 

“I-I don’t know.” Jae blinks. 

Sungjin pulls him to the other end of the sidewalk, sitting him down in the grass. He grabs his chest, trying to calm his pulse. “Jae-please..” 

Jae closes his eyes and falls into Sungjin’s lap. “I’m scared of myself.” 

His body feels too heavy to move. He twitches as a jolt of energy flows up his spine. Sungjin holds his breath to keep himself from tearing up. He had seen Jae standing there when he was walking to the parking lot, running when he realized he was about to walk into traffic. 

“I’m-going to take you home..” Sungjin attempts to pull Jae up but the boy drops back down, blacking out. “Shit..hey..” He doesn’t move, just holding Jae in his arms. “Hey, Jae. Come on, look at me.” 

Jae weakly looks up to him, wishing he could just be left to die in the grass. He is too exhausted to even speak. Sungjin scoops him up in his arms after the traffic dies down and carries him quickly to his car. Jae wants to tell him to put him down but his head falls back. 

He is carefully set to his feet so Sungjin can open the passenger’s side door. Sungjin forces him inside before realizing Jae doesn’t have his backpack. 

“Hey, where’s your bag?” He pulls Jae’s face up. 

Jae points down the road. “Home. I think. That or..Criminal Justice..I don’t know.” 

“Let's hope it’s home. Is Dowoon home right now?” 

“I don’t know..what..time is it?” 

Sungjin huffs and gets in the car. “It’s 4pm.”

“He has class at 4:30." He digs his phone from his pocket, scrolling through his apps. “Can we get some food? I’ll pay for it.” 

Sungjin grabs his head and scrunches his face. “I..I fucking guess?” 

He takes Jae to get food and takes him home. Jae clutches the fast food bag to his chest as they walk into the apartment. He perks up, seeing Dowoon asleep on the couch. 

Jae goes over and sets his food on the table. He roughly pushes at Dowoon’s arm, the boy jumping away. 

“Shit. What time is it?” Dowoon grabs his phone and sits up. “Fuck, I missed my class.” 

“Good job.” Jae pats his thigh before taking his food to his bedroom. 

Sungjin blinks and shuffles over beside Dowoon, sitting down heavily. He sighs and drops his head back. “Has Jae been acting weird with you, lately?” 

“I don’t think so? Only a bit when he forgets to take his meds.” Dowoon checks his email and calms his heartbeat, seeing his class was cancelled. “Is something wrong?” 

“He almost walked into traffic.” 

Dowoon widens his eyes and drops his phone. “What?” 

“Then he blacked out. I’m really worried about him.” 

“I-I’ll talk to him..” 

---

Dowoon sets his gun into a small safe hidden in the closet. He had discussed with Younghyun that he would keep it locked up to keep him safe. The code is only written down on Dowoon’s phone so Younghyun won’t be able to know it. So far there hasn’t been any issue for the week it’s been locked away. 

He walks back into the living room, greeting Younghyun who sits on the couch. The boy reads an article about the characters in his movie. Dowoon worries that Younghyun will find hate comments about him or see all the articles written about the incident. But Younghyun promises not to click on them or actively look for it. 

Younghyun chuckles and sits up, showing Dowoon his phone. “They said I was exactly what they imagined Doctor Lee to be.” 

Dowoon smiles. “That’s awesome.” 

“I got an offer from an agency today.” He lowers his head. “I’m kinda afraid to accept it.” 

“Why?” 

“I’m not a real actor. I have no real training. Why would they want me?”

Dowoon softly grabs his hand. “They will train you, Younghyun. You are amazing and that’s why they want you. If you like the company, then I say go for it.” 

Younghyun scoffs and turns away. “I don’t know.” 

“You have time to think about it, don’t stress it.” 

Dowoon offers to pick up food for the two, not really wanting to make dinner today. Younghyun nods and gives him his order. He watches Dowoon grab his keys and wallet before walking out the front door. 

He stares at the door, his stomach twisting. Ever since Dowoon started putting the gun away, Younghyun has tried to learn the code. Unfortunately, when Dowoon thought Younghyun was still asleep, the boy saw him put the pin in. And Younghyun confirmed it when he used Dowoon’s phone to call his own when he lost it in the bedroom. 

Though he knows the code, he isn’t sure if he should tell Dowoon to change it or...take the gun. 

He shakes his head and turns the TV on to distract him until Dowoon gets back. 

---

Damn it..

Jae stares at the ceiling as he lies in bed. The fact that he woke up this morning means the pills didn't kill him. It means he has to buy another bottle of Tylenol before Dowoon notices the old one is missing. 

He sits up and is greeted by the all too familiar feeling of heaviness and nausea. Ignoring the noises coming from Dowoon’s bedroom, Jae pushes out to the hall and into the bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror. At the dark circles becoming an even darker shade of purple. At his sinking cheek bones, coming from the amount of times he's thrown up his food from anxiety. 

No matter how many times he wants to love his reflection, it always haunts him. 

He brushes his teeth and splashes cold water over his face before walking to the living room. The TV blasts to drown out Dowoon’s very loud guest. Ten minutes pass before Dowoon and the man stumble out. 

"Oh-hey." Dowoon greets Jae who lays across the couch. 

Jae just nods and waves to the man as they awkwardly make their exit. He watches Dowoon take a seat in the chair, fidgeting with his thumbs. 

"Jae, are you okay?" Dowoon frowns. "Sungjin and I are really worried about you. After the incident last month, you've started to lose a lot of weight and you barely go to class." 

The boy sits up and gives a fake smile. "I'm fine. I woke up today." 

"Is there anything you need? I can try my best to help you." 

Jae bites the inside of his lip. "Don't worry about it." 

Dowoon notices Jae's knuckles as well as his collarbone are covered in bruises. "Did something happen? Did you get into a fight?" 

"Dowoon- when would I ever get into a fight?" 

In reality, there was a fight. But not with another person. Jae punched the brick of the outside wall and then hit himself in the chest until he couldn't handle the pain anymore. But he can never tell Dowoon that. It's better to just let the boy assume what happened. 

Last week, Dowoon found the bloody hand towel under the sink and made Jae give him his box cutter blade and his pocket knife. Though Jae outwardly expresses gratitude, it just means he's turned to hitting instead. If Dowoon saw the bruises on his thighs, he'd freak out. 

"Are you going for your blood test today?" Dowoon sighs, peeking at Jae through his bangs. 

Jae's head falls back dramatically. He forgot about that. "What time?" 

"Noon." 

They both check the time, Jae standing and walking to his room. He has an hour to get to the clinic that's 45 minutes away. He hates these blood tests but he has to get them to make sure his medication isn't fucking with his liver...or something..Jae didn't pay too much attention when his doctor was telling him about it. 

He tugs his hoodie on and drags his feet back to the living room. Dowoon hands him a bottle of water and ushers him to the front door. 

Jae hates his blood being drawn. Dowoon usually has to go and hold his hand so he doesn't freak out. He learned this the hard way when Jae kicked one nurse in the stomach. Jae cried from the incident, promising to buy her anything she wanted to make up for it. She calmed him, accepting his genuine apology as the best gift. Dowoon remembers his own shock that day, how nice the woman was and how panicked Jae was. 

The nurse is always understanding. He vowed to himself to never let that happen again. But Dowoon can't imagine getting kicked like that. Especially to a nurse that Dowoon knows well for his own health issues.

The two make it to the clinic, Dowoon noticing Jae's face paling already. He leads Jae to the check-in desk. Jae awkwardly signs the clipboard before sitting in the waiting area. 

After about 15 minutes, a woman walks from a room, grabbing the clipboard and looking over to Jae. She calls his name, crossing his name out and leading the pair into the room. 

Jae sits in the chair and attempts to hide his trembling. He sighs loudly. The woman, the same nurse from the first meeting, smiles and pats his shoulder. 

"Don't worry, Jaehyung. We only need two vials today. It'll be nice and quick." She tells him while putting her gloves on. 

Jae whimpers, his leg twitching up in defense as she approaches him. Dowoon grabs his free hand tightly. The needle is uncapped and Jae flinches back hard. The nurse pulls away, careful not to poke him. 

"Hey, it's okay." Dowoon whispers. "Close your eyes and breathe slowly." 

"No-" Jae cries out, his knee jerking as the nurse ties the tourniquet around his arm. 

Dowoon stands and places his hand on Jae's thigh. He tries to get Jae to look at him instead of the needle. Jae's foot collides hard with Dowoon’s stomach, making the younger fall to the floor. 

Dowoon holds his abdomen and Jae snaps from his tantrum. He rips up from the chair, grabbing Dowoon’s arm. The nurse watches in concern. 

"Fuck, I'm so sorry…Shit." Jae watches the boy writhe in pain. "Do you- want me to take you to the hospital?" 

"Jesus fuck- yes." Dowoon groans, pushing himself to his feet. 

Jae takes the tourniquet off and rushes Dowoon out the door. He continues to apologize as he gets Dowoon into the car. Dowoon repeats to him over and over that it's okay. It was an accident. 

They walk into the emergency room, Jae squirming anxiously as they wait in line to check in. 

Nausea fills Dowoon’s body as his stomach twinges. Bile rises in this throat. He looks around for the bathroom but sees it's far across the waiting room. Jae catches him as he stumbles back. Dowoon folds into himself, puking a small amount of stomach acid and blood onto the floor. He slowly lowers himself to the tile, burying his head in his hands. 

---

Dowoon comes home from work, going to the room to lock the gun up and change. Younghyun walks out from the kitchen by the time he comes back out. He sets a plate on the dining table and smiles softly to the boy. 

"I already ate but I'll give you company." He sits, Dowoon doing the same. 

"Thank you." Dowoon grabs his fork but lowers his head and frowns. 

Younghyun reaches for his hand. "Everything okay?" 

"Just a long day. I had to do paperwork for 3 suicides." 

"I'm sorry.." He pouts, feeling his chest heavy. His brows furrow as Dowoon suddenly covers his nose and jumps up. "What's wrong?" 

Dowoon rushes down the hall, Younghyun follows behind. He watches as Dowoon cleans blood from his face before shoving a wad of toilet paper up his nose. 

"Nosebleed." Dowoon shrugs. 

"Are you..okay?" Younghyun approaches him, resting his hand on his shoulder. 

"Yeah, it happens all the time." 

Younghyun blinks in confusion. "That's not good..?" 

Dowoon's eyes widen and he realizes that he never told Younghyun about his disorder. "Oh shit, I'm so sorry. I have hemophilia. It quite literally happens a lot." 

"It's been 7 months, Dowoon. Why did you keep that from me?" He chases after Dowoon as he walks back to the dining area. 

"You've always been asleep when I self-infuse so it slipped my mind. And I've had it my whole life so it's just not something I think about telling people."

Younghyun rubs at his temples and shakes his head. "When you what now?" 

"Like-I have to inject this protein stuff in my vein so my blood can clot properly."

"And you want to be a cop? Where you can bleed out if you get hurt? Does your work know?" 

"No. I lied to them." 

[Join the black parade - 7:23pm]: dowoon has a goddamn blood disorder??? 

[개자식 - 7:25pm]: he finally told you? 

[Join the black parade - 7:26pm]: FINALLY??

[개자식 - 7:28pm]: yeah, he's had it his whole life..you've never noticed the bruises or nosebleeds? 

[Join the black parade - 7:30pm]: 그... ㅜㅜ 

[Join the black parade - 7:30pm]: I never noticed bruises...other than when we both..you know...punched him…he just had a nosebleed like 5 minutes ago

[개자식 - 7:32pm]: you punched dowoon???

---

Jae sits in the waiting room, his leg shaking non-stop. He can't believe he hurt Dowoon...This is too much. His episodes are now hurting the people he loves. He doesn't care if he hurts himself. But he made a promise to himself to keep Dowoon away from his fiits.

He had texted Sungjin, who is desperately trying to leave work early. Thankfully, he texts a few minutes later saying he's on his way. 

Jae buries his head in his hands and lets out a shaky sigh. Though he isn't exactly sure what Dowoon’s disorder can do to him, Jae is terrified of the idea that the boy can easily bleed out. After waiting for a little longer, he looks up as Sungjin walks up to him. 

Sungjin sits beside him and grabs his hand. “What happened?” 

“I-freaked out and kicked his stomach really hard.” Jae tugs at his hair. “I really don’t like needles. I didn’t know it would hurt him so much. But he puked blood. I made him..fucking puke blood.” 

“It’s not your fault, Jae. Like you said, you didn’t know. He probably wasn’t taking his medication and going to the doctor enough..” 

Jae’s head perks up. “But why would he do that? He’s always so on top of reminding me of my meds- oh..he-stopped paying attention to himself to make sure I’ve been taking care of myself.” 

Sungjin wraps his arm around Jae’s shoulders and pulls him closer. “I wouldn’t put it past him.” 

After agonizingly waiting for what feels like hours, the two are finally able to see Dowoon. The boy lays in his bed, waving to the two. He has a tube strapped across his nose and an IV dripping down through his hand. Jae pouts as he walks over. 

“I’m really sorry..” He whimpers. 

Dowoon smiles. “Don’t worry, it wasn’t that bad. Plus I’m on so much pain medication that I’m almost completely numb.” 

“Almost?” 

“Well, I have a large bruise on my stomach.” 

Jae lowers his head and sits beside him. “I’m just..glad you didn’t bleed out..” 

“It’s not as easy as you might think.” Dowoon chuckles. “When I was a kid, I thought a papercut would kill me but turns out, I just needed to keep my bandaid on longer.” 

---

Younghyun jumps as the front door is thrown open. Dowoon storms in and throws his keys across the room. He yells out in frustration. Younghyun flinches back as Dowoon grabs his arm. 

“Did you fucking tell my boss about my disorder?” Dowoon growls. 

Younghyun curls into himself, waiting to be hit. “No? I wouldn’t compromise your job!” 

Dowoon lets him go and attempts to calm himself, kicking the couch. “They denied my transfer because it’s too fucking dangerous for a hemophiliac.” 

“I didn’t do anything. I swear.” 

Dowoon sits down and holds his head. “I have to choose to go back to the lab or stay at the desks. They don’t even want me to be on scene..” 

Younghyun’s chest aches. He can’t tell Dowoon that Sungjin had sent his boss an email in fear of Dowoon getting hurt. At first, Younghyun was on board with it at first but then he worried about Dowoon losing his job. 

“What are you going to do?” Though he wants to comfort Dowoon, he’s afraid he’ll lash out again. 

“I guess..go back to the lab…” Dowoon scoffs. “Maybe this is Jae’s way of telling me to stop and actually be a scientist..”

---

Younghyun shoves a small bag into his sock before leaving his friend’s house. It’s been a year since he last bought something but he really can’t take the stress of midterms this semester. He was able to scrape up enough money by selling his notes in 3 different classes. 

Hopefully, Wonpil will be out like he said he would be by the time Younghyun gets back to the dorm. He runs across the street, towards the large residence hall behind the History building. The RA greets him as he rushes through the lobby. He waves and opens the door to the first floor. 

His heart jumps to his throat when he opens the door to his room. Wonpil sits on his bed, playing a game on his phone. 

“I thought you were going somewhere?” Younghyun swallows hard and carefully takes his shoes off, not wanting the bag to slip from his sock. 

Wonpil drops his phone to the side and groans. “Yeah- the library. But it was packed. Not a single computer was open on all three floors.” 

“Damn, that fucking sucks.” He sits on the bed, curling his foot towards his body. “Did you check the computer lab in the student center?” 

“Routine maintenance.” 

Younghyun nods and slowly begins to stand. He scratches at his arm before reaching into his food bin. His hands shake as he grabs the needle hidden under his snack bars, carefully hiding it up his sleeve. Wonpil raises a brow as the boy awkwardly grabs his towel. 

“I’m gonna shower..” 

Before Wonpil can react, Younghyun is already out the door, walking towards the bathrooms. Younghyun sighs in relief that no one else is in the showers. He rushes to a stall and pulls the curtain closed. The bag is quickly ripped from his sock and hidden in his palm. To not be suspicious, he takes his socks off and turns the water on but stays to the side so as to not get too wet. 

[Wonpil - 4:45pm]: yeah he's definitely using again

[Sungjin - 4:47pm]: son of a fucking bitch..

[Sungjin - 4:48pm]: ill be there soon 

Younghyun had waited to do anything after someone had come in and started shaving. The wait is awful and the water is starting to cool. Finally the bathroom door shuts and it’s quiet again. He rolls his sleeve up, pulling out a tourniquet he stole from his phlebotomist friend down the hall. 

A gasp leaves the back of his throat when the curtain is pulled back suddenly. He drops the needle and begins to plead as Sungjin grabs him, shoving him into the wall. 

“Wait-let me explain-” Younghyun drops to the tile and curls into himself. “I didn’t do anything.” 

Sungjin pulls him up by the shirt, shaking him. “Do you have a fucking deathwish?” He pushes Younghyun to the floor, crawling over top of him. “Fucking set straight or we’re all fucking done with you. I’m not sitting around watching you fucking kill yourself and ruin your life with this shit.” 

Younghyun sobs, his eyes closed tight, almost positive he heard his father’s voice over Sungjin’s for a second. “I’m sorry..I need help..”

“Fucking clearly.” Sungjin backs off and pulls Younghyun to his feet, wiping the tears from his face. “I told you..I’ll help you. I think it’s time to talk to a therapist, hyun.” 

“I don’t need that shit.” 

“You always fucking say that. But refuse to help yourself in any way and wonder why you’re feeling like shit. Go to one fucking session and fucking try.” 

Younghyun wraps his arms around Sungjin, his body trembling from fear and the cold water soaking his clothes. He buries into his shoulder, wishing he could just run away instead. “Fine..”

Chapter Text

Sungjin’s head hangs over the edge of his bed. The cafe had fired him after he threw a bagel at a customer for making a joke about suicide. His boss didn't want to let him go but his file had too many write-ups. In fact, his boss thought the customer deserved it. But the customer called corporate. 

He graduated early so he doesn't have his student job anymore. No one around him is hiring and he still needs to pay rent in a week. 

His mom assured him that he wouldn't lose his place but Sungjin knows she doesn't have the money either. Part of him wishes he could move back in with her. It wouldn't feel like he's all alone again. 

Out of habit, he sent Jae a message..then cried when he realized. He wishes he could have at least one more conversation with him, hold him again, tell him he's loved.. 

He grabs his phone and makes a call. 

"What's up, fucker?" Younghyun answers. 

"Got fired today." Sungjin groans as he sits up. 

"Oh shit, what happened?" 

Sungjin walks to the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water, sitting at the table. "Shitty customer was hit in the face with a cream cheese bagel. If there weren't cameras, I probably would've gotten away with it." 

Younghyun coughs to stifle his laughter. "Do you have another job lined up or-" 

"Nope. Probably gonna move back home if I can't find a mental health center here." 

Younghyun winces slightly, knowing Sungjin's mom is struggling with her own bills. "Do..you want me to talk to Dowoon? We have a 2 bed-" he pauses, remembering the other room is filled with Jae's things.

"You can ask if you want but I don't want to get in the way." 

"Don't go acting like me, now." 

---

Dowoon blinks, staring at Younghyun after the boy told him Sungjin needed help. He wants to help him but he's afraid of giving up Jae's room. Maybe it's for the best...it's unhealthy to pretend Jae is still here. 

This is the first time he's been faced with the possibility of turning someone away when they are in need. And there isn't a rational reason for it.

"Okay.." Dowoon twitches a nod. "He can stay here if he wants." 

"Are you sure? It's okay if it's a no." Younghyun replies, placing his hand on his shoulder. 

"Yeah- yeah, I need to move on eventually.." 

He stands and walks down the hall to the second bedroom. Tears well in his eyes as he pushes inside. He hadn't completely set the room up. Jae's clothes are still in boxes. But his bed is made and his ashes sit on the bedside table. 

He'll most likely take everything to storage. Or maybe Jae's sister has room for it. He isn't ready to completely get rid of anything. 

Younghyun walks in, expecting Dowoon to leave. Instead, the boy bursts into tears. Younghyun goes over and leans down in front of him. 

"Fine-I'll admit it." Dowoon throws his hands up in frustration. "I'm not okay."

“That’s okay, Dowoon. You’re allowed to be.” Younghyun stands and wraps his arms around him. 

Dowoon lets out a loud yell and calms down suddenly. “No, I don’t want to be like this. I want to be strong..” 

“But you don’t need to be.” 

Younghyun moves back but Dowoon grabs him and buries into his chest. He doesn’t move, allowing Dowoon to sob. He wishes he could comfort him more than a hug. 

Dowoon sniffles and sits up, drying his face. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” Younghyun replies softly, moving the hair from Dowoon’s eyes. “Why don’t we take a nap?” 

“I have to go get groceries..” 

He stands and silently walks to the living room. Younghyun listens to him grab his keys and leave the flat. 

Since Dowoon had moved back to the lab, he hasn’t taken his gun anywhere. He doesn’t even take it from the safe. The guilt of letting Sungjin send that email is beginning to weigh on Younghyun. Taking the gun now becomes a daily thought instead of weekly. He can’t take it and he lied to his therapist, telling her he was better. 

No, Younghyun..You’re being selfish...Dowoon needs help…

---

Jae comes home from class, holding two bags of food. He sets one bag on the kitchen table before going to his room. Dowoon hadn’t asked him to get food for whoever he had brought over, but he figured it would be a nice gesture. At first, it didn’t bother him that Dowoon had started exploring his sexual desires..but now..it’s been a year of it and Jae wishes he could ask to be one of his play things. 

Sure, he has Sungjin but for some reason, it’s not enough. The guilt is starting to get to Jae. He can no longer shake the thoughts. The meds only help so much. Mainly, they just stop him from walking in front of another car. Or make him too tired to hit himself hard enough to leave bruises. 

He picks at his food before tossing it back into the bag. Down the hall, he can hear Dowoon leading some guy to the kitchen. A few minutes later, there is a knock on Jae’s door. Dowoon peeks his head in before walking in. 

“Hey-Thanks for the food.” He smiles softly, standing in front of Jae. 

Jae lowers his head and nods. “Yeah-no problem.” 

“What’s wrong? Did you have a bad day in class?” 

“It’s not that. Just- never mind. It’s not important. I just need to take my meds, I guess.” 

Dowoon sits down and frowns, not liking Jae holding himself back. “Hey, it’s okay. You can tell me.” 

“No I can’t.” He whispers, rolling his eyes up to stare at Dowoon. “My appetite still hasn’t come back..” He lifts his bag of food. “Do you want this?” 

Dowoon gives a warm smile and places the bag to the side. “Can I do something real quick and not talk about it to anyone?” 

Jae’s brows furrow and he blinks in confusion. “I guess..” 

His eyes close as Dowoon places his hand on his cheek. He jumps once Dowoon’s lips press against his own. His brain goes wild but he doesn’t move. Dowoon pulls off and looks to the side. Jae opens his eyes, his body in a full tremble. 

“Would it be wrong if I asked you to do that again in the future?” His voice cracks. 

Dowoon’s cheek twitches. “If you didn’t have a boyfriend, then it wouldn’t be..”

---

Younghyun picks at the skin of his lip, waiting in the lobby of the behavioral health center. He really doesn’t want to be here but if Sungjin wants him to go to one session, fine. But he isn’t going to go back. Part of him feels bad for wasting the time of the therapist, but he warned them already during his intake session. 

He sighs as his name is called, standing and dragging himself down the hall. 

“Okay, Younghyun. So you’re here to talk about your addiction and depression. Am I right?” The man doesn’t look up to him as he speaks. 

“Yeah.” Younghyun rolls his eyes. “I’m fine.” 

The man leans forward. “You may say you’re fine, but if you’re doing drugs, you clearly aren’t.” 

“Isn’t that what’s expected of someone like me?”   

The session goes on, Younghyun continues to be difficult so it’ll be easier to not come back. At the end, Younghyun stands and shakes the man’s hand. He struts out, happy to not have to do that again. It’s a relief to not have to tell a complete stranger about his life. He doesn’t think about the issues in his life really. So what’s the point of bringing them back up? 

Sungjin looks over as Younghyun crawls back in the car. The boy lets out a sigh and smiles at him. 

“That sucked.” Younghyun pulls his seatbelt over his chest. 

“So you’re not going back?” Sungjin frowns, pulling from the spot. Younghyun just laughs. “Thought so…” 

Younghyun twitches slightly, feeling a bit guilty for disappointing Sungjin. “I went to one, just like you wanted.” 

Sungjin growls in annoyance. "You're really annoying." 

"Good." 

---

Jae knocks on Sungjin’s door, waiting patiently for Sungjin to answer. The door opens and Jae’s face lights up. He skips inside, eyes gazed, as if this was the first time seeing Sungjin. 

“I love you.” Jae smiles. 

Sungjin closes the door and turns to Jae, brows furrowing slightly. “I love you, too. Everything okay?” 

“Everything’s great.” He flops down on the couch. “I get to graduate.” 

“That’s awesome.” 

“Thank you for helping me..” Jae lowers his head. “I don’t think I could have done it without you.” He lays his head on Sungjin’s shoulder, Sungjin wrapping his arm around him. His eyes are stuck staring at the wall. “Sungjin..” 

Sungjin looks down and kisses his head. “Yeah?” 

“I’m going to die..” His stomach twists and his heart aches. “Don’t tell Dowoon, okay?” 

“What-” Sungjin sits up, his mouth falling open. “What do you mean?” 

The corner of Jae’s lip twitches up and he sits forward. “Want to know why I haven’t been able to eat and I’ve lost so much weight?” 

“Jae..” 

“I mean it. Don’t tell Dowoon. Don’t tell anyone.” He gives a smile but Sungjin can see the tears he’s holding back. “I just want to live my life until I can’t anymore. I-” he pauses, “I’ll probably kill myself first.” 

Sungjin’s eyes burn as he swallows back tears. "Please..don't say that." 

"I can't change it. I destroyed my body." Jae sighs. "I feel like I'm being punished."

---

“I’m...going to take a nap.” Younghyun stands from the couch and kisses Dowoon’s forehead. “I love you.” 

For some reason, Dowoon wants to stop him but Younghyun looks so exhausted that he lets him go. He opens his work laptop and starts doing research for a case. Sungjin is moving in today so Jae’s ashes now sit on a shelf. Dowoon still isn’t sure how he feels giving up Jae’s room..but he would rather Sungjin not be fucked. 

He hears a soft knock and goes to answer it. Sungjin walks in awkwardly, taking his shoes off. The two walk to the couch, Sungjin’s legs aching from the drive up. Dowoon places his laptop back on his lap, continuing to read an article. 

"Where's Younghyun?" Sungjin asks, stretching.

"In the room, he's taking a nap." Dowoon blinks tiredly. “I’ll go tell him you’re here.” 

Dowoon stands and makes his way down the hall towards the bedroom. He carefully opens the door, peeking his head in. His heart drops, seeing Younghyun standing in the corner, holding the gun to his temple. 

“No!” Dowoon yells, lunging for him. 

He grabs Younghyun’s hand, pulling the gun to face the ground. Younghyun fights to get him off but Dowoon grabs the barrel and hits his wrist to let it go. He throws it on the bed and wraps his arms around Younghyun. 

Younghyun yells out, trashing back. He cries loudly as Dowoon attempts to calm him down. Sungjin rushes in and sees the gun laying on the bed, his body instantly filling with nausea. He can’t move, not wanting to think about nearly losing his best friend..his brother..

Dowoon’s breathing becomes pained as Younghyun suddenly goes quiet. He pulls him up and Younghyun just stares. His face is pale, static behind the eyes, and his body swaying slightly. 

“You should leave.” Younghyun continues to stare emotionlessly. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Younghyun.” Dowoon trembles, smoothing Younghyun’s hair. “It’s okay...everything's okay.."

“It’s not worth the pain.” His body falls into the wall and he finally makes eye contact with Sungjin. “I told you I couldn’t do it.” His eyes close as Dowoon pulls him into his arms. He weakly holds onto Dowoon’s shirt, burying his head in his chest. “I don’t want to go back to the hospital..” 

Sungjin twitches, following the two to the living room. He digs his phone from his pocket and contemplates calling 119 on him. “Why..Why do you keep pushing help away?” 

“Nothing is going to help me, anymore.” 

Dowoon sets Younghyun down on the couch, trying to fight the urge to throw up. “Please..”

Younghyun goes quiet once more, his body more exhausted than moments ago. He sets his head on the arm of the couch and sighs heavily. Sungjin and Dowoon watch him fall asleep. 

“Don’t-” Dowoon looks up to Sungjin as he lifts his phone up. He glares, though tiredly, lip twitching. “It’ll just make him trust you less.” 

“I’d rather have him hate me than be dead.” 

---

Dowoon stares emotionlessly at the door as two cops and an EMT escort Younghyun from the flat. He expected Younghyun to fight but instead he cried, yelling about everyone betraying him. 

Sungjin wanted to go along in the ambulance but he needs to make sure Dowoon is okay. 

The door shuts, loudly echoing through the living room. Dowoon walks to the kitchen, Sungjin watching him closely. The boy leans his palm against the counter before reaching for something in the drawer. Sungjin’s expression goes from confusion to panic as he realizes what Dowoon is doing. 

He rushes over, his eyes following a bloody knife as it crashes to the ground. Dowoon yells out, Sungjin grabbing him. He desperately grabs a dish towel from the counter, holding it tightly to Dowoon’s wrist. 

"Shit.." Sungjin cries.

Dowoon scoffs, watching the blood seep through the cloth. If asked, he would lie and say he didn't remember that his blood doesn't clot well. But he knew exactly what he was doing. 

His cheeks numb, his body shaking tremendously. Sungjin pulls him to the front door, forcing him to put on his slippers to not waste any time tying shoes. Before he can push Dowoon into the hallway, the boy shoves Sungjin in the back. Sungjin stumbles forward, jumping as the door slams shut and the lock clicks.

"Dowoon!" He beats against the wood, realizing his phone is on the dining table. "Please don’t do this!" 

"Don't worry about me." Dowoon twitches, walking back to the kitchen. 

He rips the cloth off and picks the knife up. The wound still bleeds but he knows it wasn't deep enough. To remedy that problem, he makes a few more cuts to his arm. 

Across the flat, he can hear Sungjin trying to break the door down. It isn’t going to budge. Dowoon had gotten extra locks after Younghyun got scared of someone breaking in. 

He grips the knife backwards and slowly walks back to the door. Sungjin’s yells muffle through it. Dowoon’s hand shakes as he unlocks the door and steps back. As soon as Sungjin opens it, Dowoon strikes his hand down. Sungjin screams, nearly tackling Dowoon. 

Dowoon gasps, pulling the knife from his own abdomen. He stumbles, dropping his weapon and collapsing into Sungjin’s chest, Sungjin carefully laying him on his back. 

"I'm sorry." he whispers. 

Sungjin scrambles to the table, grabbing his phone and calling for help. He speaks as clearly as possible through his harsh sobs. 

Dowoon takes quick shallow breaths, realizing what he just did. He finally snapped. After years of keeping himself together, he actually lost it. Sungjin stares as Dowoon begins to laugh. 

He stands and runs to grab a new cloth from the kitchen. "No no no-" His hands stain red as he presses on the stomach wound. 

Dowoon continues his hysterics, his head falling back into the hardwood. "He’s not my soulmate." He laughs harder, only stopping to get out a cough. “I lost him a year ago.” 

Sungjin lets out a whined cry, trying to control the bleeding. He swats at Dowoon’s hand as the boy tries to push him off. "Dowoon, I don't care how strong you are, I'm not fucking moving." He growls as there is a loud knock on the door. "Come in!" 

Two medics rush in, Sungjin pulling away to let them take over. He stares at the blood on his hands and the floor. How can someone bleed so much from two small wounds? How..could Dowoon of all people do this to himself? 

Those laughs give Sungjin chills. He's never heard anything like that from Dowoon. It's like..he was happy to have stabbed himself..

"He- He has hemophilia.." he sputters, despite the obvious medical bracelet on Dowoon’s wrist. 

He laughs to himself, wondering how Younghyun didn't even notice the silver chain that Dowoon wears daily. 

Within seconds, the crew have Dowoon up onto a board and are rushing him out the door. Sungjin grabs his keys and runs with them. He gets into his car, turning on his hazard lights, waiting for the ambulance to pull out from the lot. 

His hands shake as he speeds behind. He hopes the other drivers are paying attention because he's not stopping for anything. 

The ambulance pulls up to the hospital and Sungjin searches for a parking spot. He finds one and nearly forgets to take his keys from the car before flying out. The EMT’s are pushing Dowoon out by the time he gets to the main ER doors. Sungjin groans as someone bumps into his shoulder. He goes to apologize but freezes. 

Younghyun stares, wide eyed, at the blood all over Sungjin’s hands and shirt. Sungjin grabs his arm and pulls him down the hall. He doesn't have time to wonder why Younghyun isn’t being sent to the psychiatric unit. 

“What happened?” Younghyun’s mouth hangs open, confused. Sungjin’s breathing is too sharp and fast for him to speak. Younghyun grabs his arms and shakes him. “Sungjin, calm down. Tell me what happened!” 

“Dowoon-” He grabs the wall, coughing violently before crying once more. “He-slit his wrists and fucking stabbed hismelf..He kept laughing like it was a joke."

Younghyun looks around the medical bay, trying to find where Dowoon would be. “What?” He grabs at his hair and tugs. “Why? He- Fuck- he..No, you’re lying.” 

Sungjin just stares, unable to stop his trembling. Younghyun holds back his tears, pulling his phone from his pocket. He calmly makes a call. 

"Younghyun? Is everything okay?" A woman answers. 

"Dowoon...hurt himself.." Younghyun manages to form even just a small sentence. "He's in the hospital.." 

He can hear Dowoon’s mother let out a soft gasp. "What happened?" 

"I think he tried to-" he swallows back bile rising in his throat, "kill himself.."

He hears a loud crash as the woman drops the phone. Tears escape his eyes, hearing her let out an anguished cry. Younghyun listens to footsteps running closer, a male voice asking what's going on. 

"Our baby...Oh god.." 

He can't hang up yet. But he can't bear to hear anymore cries. The phone is picked back up, and a man begins to speak. 

"We'll be there as soon as possible. Thank you." 

Younghyun doesn't get a word in before they hang up the phone. He wants to puke. He just had to deal with his own suicide attempt and now the strongest person he knows has done the same. Not only that, but choosing to bleed out as a hemophiliac. Choosing to go out the same way Jae did..

His back hits the wall and he slides to the floor, burying his head in his knees. "This is all my fault.." 

Sungjin looks at his hands and tells Younghyun he'll be back. He stumbles down the hall, finding the bathroom and pushing in. His head pounds as he washes the blood off, most of it stuck to his skin. His cheeks burn red and his vision blurs, trying his best not to scream. 

He splashes his face with cold water before exiting. Younghyun sits in the same spot, his eyes closed, tugging at his hair. Sungjin goes to the nurses station, not exactly sure what to ask. 

"Did you need something, sir?" A woman perks her head over a computer. 

"Yoon Dowoon..is he still down here or-" his voice trembles, "or did he-" he sucks in a harsh gasp for air. 

She looks over to another nurse and taps her arm. "Did they move the boy in Trauma 2?" The other woman shakes her head. “We’ll let you know when we have any updates.” 

Sungjin jumps as Younghyun pushes him to the side. "What's taking so long?" 

"Sir, we've already discharged you. Is there another issue?" 

"That boy in room 4 is my fucking boyfriend! He better get the best care there is!" Sungjin attempts to calm Younghyun down, pulling him back. "If he fucking dies, I'll-"

Sungjin puts his hand over Younghyun’s mouth to get him to stop shouting. He forces Younghyun down the hall to search for Dowoon’s room. They find it but Younghyun stops, causing Sungjin to stumble into the wall. 

Younghyun takes a few hard breaths before pushing in. Dowoon lies on the bed, his shirt cut up to his upper abdomen. Blood still seeps through all the gauzes and all the fabrics around him are stained a dark red. One nurse keeps her hand over the cut to his stomach while another cleans the wrist wound. A doctor is making a call but they can’t hear what their saying through all the other noises. 

The two step to Dowoon’s side, the boy’s skin is pale and his body shakes from the loss of blood. 

He weakly holds his hand out and whimpers. “Jae?” 

Younghyun holds his breath and tears drip down his cheeks. He turns, walking out, covering his mouth to muffle with sobs getting louder. He needs air. 

Fuck..I'm going to puke..

He rushes out to the parking lot and falls over onto a bench. His stomach burns but he has nothing to throw up. He gets his phone out to order a taxi, there's no way he can stay here right now. 

A hand rests on his back and he jumps back. Sungjin leans in front of him. 

“It’s okay..” He rests his hand on Younghyun’s leg as he cries out. 

“I’m fucking useless.” Younghyun buries his face in his hands. He thrashes his body, throwing a punch at the air. "Just...go back inside.." 

A taxi pulls to the curb and Younghyun stands. Sungjin grabs his arm to stop him from leaving but the boy turns and shoves him in the chest. Younghyun shakes his head and crawls into the taxi. 

---

Younghyun walks up to a door and gently knocks. He holds his breath, his head pounding from crying so much. 

The door opens and a younger boy stares over in surprise. 

"Hey." Wonpil frowns, noticing Younghyun’s blotchy complexion. "You okay?" 

Younghyun sniffles, pushing into the flat. He doesn't make it 2 feet before lowering himself to the floor. "I can't do this anymore." 

Wonpil walks over, glad his kids are visiting his wife's family for the weekend. "What happened?" 

"He doesn't love me." He pulls his legs to his chest. "I should have pulled the trigger when he walked in. I wish he didn't catch me in the first place." 

"Hyun-" Wonpil drops down, his eyes becoming glossy, "Don't say that..I can't lose you. Why do you say he doesn't love you?" 

"Fuck-" Younghyun realizes that there is too much bullshit he needs to explain. "Just forget it."

Wonpil stands and walks to the kitchen, pulling two mugs from the cabinet. Younghyun watches him make two cups of hot chocolate. His  phone buzzes non stop in his pocket. He doesn’t want to talk to Sungjin. He’ll just try to be a therapist and Younghyun doesn’t need that right now. Wonpil’s text tone goes off. 

[Sungjin - 6:12pm]: is younghyun there

[Wonpil - 6:13pm]: yeah but I think he needs the space 

Younghyun looks up as Wonpil walks back over, handing a mug to him and sitting down in front of him. 

“Alright.” Wonpil groans. “Talk to me.” 

Younghyun sips his drink, welcoming the warmth. “Dowoon tried to kill himself. He’s in the hospital because he slit his wrists and stabbed himself.” He picks at his lip. “I think I tipped him over the edge...The only time he spoke he asked for Jae..” He lowers his head and scoffs. “I didn’t know what to do so I just left.”

Wonpil chokes on his drink and coughs. “Jesus..” He clears his throat. “Uh, that’s tough..But I’m sure he cares about you, Hyun. Just because he asked for Jae doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.” 

“I’m so fucking confused.” 

The two jump, Wonpil yelping as someone pounds on the front door. Younghyun rolls his eyes and yells in frustration. Sungjin walks in, a flat expression across his face. He sits in front of Younghyun. 

“I think it’s best to stay together for now.”

Chapter Text

“Mrs. Yoon-” Younghyun slowly approaches the woman sitting in the waiting room. He sits down beside her, Sungjin sitting across from them. 

Her head pops up and wipes the tears from her face. “I can’t lose another child. I’m not strong enough to go through it again.” 

Another?

“I’m sorry..He'll make it through.."

Dowoon’s father walks back from down the hall, tapping his wife on the shoulder. She sniffles and stands, nodding to the boys as she makes her way to the door. The man sits in her spot, letting out a heavy breath. 

“We lost our daughter about 5 years ago.” He lowers his head. “Dowoon’s all we have left.”

Younghyun looks over at Sungjin, his chest aching. “But..Dowoon talks about her all the time..right? He always says she’s going to come home.” 

The man buries his face in his hands and sighs. “He’s always had trouble accepting things. Especially death.” 

The two stare at the man. Now it makes sense that Dowoon wanted to set Jae’s room back up. He couldn't accept he was actually gone. It was easier to pretend with his sister since she was overseas. 

---

Jae jumps awake, gasping for air and grabbing his chest. He had another nightmare. Every night, they seem to get more and more vivid. He knows it’s a side effect of his medication but he’s not sure he can handle them anymore. 

He crawls out of bed, still catching his breath. The light in the hallway burns his eyes slightly as he stumbles to Dowoon’s door. The door creaks and the light pours into the room, shining on Dowoon’s face. Dowoon flinches and groans as he opens his eyes. He stares up at Jae. 

“I had another nightmare.” Jae trembles lightly. “This one was really bad..” 

Dowoon turns on his back, rubbing his eyes. “Do you want to sleep in here, again?” 

Jae nods before walking to the opposite side of the bed. He crawls under the blanket, resting his head on the extra pillows beside Dowoon. Dowoon wishes Jae would have closed the door but assumes he needs the light to calm him down. He makes sure Jae is comfortable before turning back to his side and shoving his face in the pillow. 

After a few minutes, Dowoon feels Jae curl closer. He holds his breath, not wanting Jae to know he’s still awake. Jae carefully grabs Dowoon’s shirt, letting go when he whimpers. 

“I’ll miss you.” Jae whispers before falling asleep. 

---

Dowoon stares forward. At the vast darkness around him. In the distance there is a faint light. It slowly gets bigger-or maybe closer. He can’t seem to move or even speak. Voices muffle around him.

“Dowoon.” He hears a familiar voice muffle around him. “Not yet.” 

Dowoon’s panic rises as he hears a loud high pitched whine. It gets louder as the light takes over the darkness completely. He gasps and wakes up, grabbing his chest. 

He looks to the monitor beside him, his heart rate spiking. Younghyun stands at the door, staring over to him in shock. 

“Your monitor went off..” Younghyun mumbles. 

“I think I just almost died.” Dowoon catches his breath, falling back into his pillow. 

The two silently wait to see if a nurse or anyone checks on him. But no one does. Both of them start to wonder if the monitor really did go off. No..Younghyun knows what he heard. 

Younghyun doesn’t move from his spot. “I need to tell your parents you’re awake.” 

“Wait-” Dowoon coughs. “My parents are here?” 

“Yeah. I called them.” He slowly moves his feet closer, his throat tightening. “I’m sorry. Please..don’t leave me..I’ll-I’ll get better for you. We can work on things together. Okay?” 

“O-okay..”

Dowoon closes his eyes and drops his tense shoulders. He didn’t want his parents to see him like this. As much as Younghyun doesn’t want to leave, he goes to get Dowoon’s parents. 

The door opens a few moments later and Dowoon is greeted by arms wrapping around his torso. His mother cries softly in his chest. His father sits in the chair to his side, keeping a hand on Mrs. Yoon’s back. Dowoon just stares at the ceiling, his mouth open slightly and refusing to make eye contact. 

He sighs and twitches back. “Watch my stomach.” 

His mother straightens herself, huffing. “What happened to your stomach?” She pulls his blanket back to see the gauze. “Yoon Dowoon! What did you do to yourself?” 

Dowoon blinks tiredly. He looks over to his father and scoffs. “What’s more disappointing? A gay son or a depressed son?” 

The man’s eyes redden and he stands. “You don’t disappoint us, Dowoon. We’re just worried about you.” 

“You coddled me so much, I never learned how to have negative emotions. How could I ever be depressed when I have everything I need?” He sits up, his body trembling from the anger building. Tears well in his eyes as he pauses, seeing Jae standing where his parents should be. “Everyone dies around me and you expect me to fucking be okay?” He blinks and Jae disappears.

“Dowoon!” His mother gasps. 

He scoffs. “Oh, fuck off. You don’t fucking care. You wanted me to pretend everything was fine and now you’ve lost your son." His heart pounds against his chest and he snarls."No- you lost him the second you threw him into the world, thinking he could take care of a suicidal junkie alone. I fucking lost. I’m a failure. Are you happy now?” His lip twitches as he glares at his mother. “Go tell the press so you can get some more fucking publicity.” 

The woman steps closer, ready to reprimand her son but stops as her husband grabs her arm. He silently drags her out of the room. 

Dowoon’s head falls back into the pillow. He still shakes, wondering where he got the confidence to finally confront his parents. Tears well in his eyes and he lets in a harsh inhale. The pain medication is starting to wear off and the wound to his stomach is beginning to bother him. 

The door opens once more and Dowoon breaks down more. He cries, reaching out for Younghyun. Younghyun holds him carefully, hoping Dowoon can’t feel his own trembling. 

“I hate this…” 

---

Younghyun walks out of his class, surprised that he actually got a decent grade on his essay. He plans to get lunch with Wonpil but still has time before he gets out. The campus is relatively empty, since Younghyun’s class ended early. 

He makes his way to the staircase leaving the campus, hopping down each step. The sun warms his back. He’s been clean for 4 months and he expected it to be easier but the thoughts of relapsing haven't left his mind. Wonpil and Sungjin have been supportive and it feels..odd. 

He sits on the grass and sets his bag beside him, digging into it to find a crumpled pack of cigarettes. The lighter sparks a few times before he can finally light it. He hopes no one comes over to stop him, knowing this isn’t a smoking area. 

“Hyun!” He looks up to see Wonpil storming over to him. “The hell are you doing?” 

Younghyun looks up. “Waiting.” 

Wonpil grabs the cigarette, snapping it in the process and dropping it to the ground. “Not what I mean.” 

“Dude-these are fucking expensive.” 

“Shut up. I’m hungry.” 

Wonpil helps him to his feet and grabs the backpack. The two walk a few blocks to a small diner. Younghyun is surprised to see Sungjin sitting at an empty table, working on homework. They walk over and sit across from him, jarring his focus. 

“Oh, hey. What’s up?” Sungjin scoots his work over to clear the table. 

Younghyun stretches. “Wonpil’s mad that I smoke.” 

“Yeah? I’m mad you haven’t quit yet.” He frowns. “Go ahead and order what you want. I’ll pay for it.” 

Wonpil grabs a menu from the end of the table and looks it over. He doesn’t need to give one to Younghyun, because he orders the same thing every time. A waitress walks up and greets the three. Everyone orders and Sungjin shoves his work back into his bag. 

“If I don’t get laid this semester, I think I’m going to scream.” Younghyun groans and lays against the table. He sits up as their drinks are brought over. 

“Sorry,I’m straight.” Wonpil chimes in, feeling a hard shove to his shoulder, sending him into the wall. “This is why you aren’t getting laid, fucker.” 

Sungjin just shakes his head, regretting his decision to stay friends with these two idiots. 

---

Sungjin leads Younghyun back into the flat, sitting him on the couch. He worries about the gun still on the bed, not sure what to do with it. But for now, he has to figure out how to distract Younghyun. 

Dowoon was admitted to the hospital but was able to avoid going to the psychiatric unit. Younghyun still feels guilty about everything. He shouldn’t have put Dowoon through that stress. 

“Younghyun, you need to eat something.” Sungjin stands in front of him. 

“No.” Younghyun stares into space and takes a hard breath. “I’m..gonna-” He stands and begins to walk towards the hall, “-have a panic attack.” 

He stumbles into the hallway but lowers himself to the floor before he can make it to the room. Sungjin goes over, sitting across from him and rubbing his leg. Younghyun sobs, heaving for air and fighting his dizziness. His chest is so tight, he could swear Sungjin was stepping on him. He wants to scream but can’t get himself to even speak. 

Sungjin keeps him from falling over, fanning his reddening face. Younghyun attempts to stand but ends up curling into Sungjin’s lap. His gasps become harsher and Sungjin fears he will pass out. He holds Younghyun, rocking him softly, waiting for the attack to pass. 

“Just breathe. It’s okay.” Sungjin soothes him as much as he can. 

Younghyun twitches and goes quiet, holding his breath. Sungjin looks down, watching his head dip into his chest. Younghyun whimpers and bucks away. 

“Hey-” Sungjin pulls him up, cupping his cheek. “Don’t do that. You’re going to pass out.” 

He holds the back of Younghyun’s head as the boy falls. This isn’t Sungjin’s first experience with Younghyun’s panic attacks. But it’s always hard to get him to breathe, causing him to pass out nearly every time. 

Younghyun claws at his shirt, coughing violently. "I'm sorry." 

"It's okay." Sungjin soothes him. 

He curses as Younghyun collapses to the side. Younghyun’s head nearly hits the floor, Sungjin carefully pulling him back into his arms. He fans Younghyun’s red face and waits for him to come back to reality. 

He scoops Younghyun into his arms and carries him to his room. In one swift movement, he puts Younghyun down and grabs the gun. Younghyun is awake but still out of it. He weakly buries into the pillow, trembling and letting tears restain his cheeks. Sungjin holds the gun behind his back as he dries the boy's face. 

"I'm..fine..you can go.." Younghyun croaks. 

"Are you sure?" Sungjin brushes the hair from his face. 

Younghyun nods, a yawn forcing its way out. He nuzzles into the bed, barely keeping his eyes open while Sungjin stares. The boy finally leaves as Younghyun falls asleep.

Sungjin walks to the living room, freaking out from holding a gun for the first time in his life. He sets it heavily on the coffee table. It almost looks fake. He doesn’t want to touch it again. He doesn’t want to think about it nearly forever taking away his best friend.

---

Jae stumbles into the apartment, his face pale and his body ready to collapse. He needs to make it to his room before Dowoon sees him like this. His mission of keeping his illness a secret has been successful. He can't let one bad day ruin everything. 

His head spins as he walks forward, not sure if he's actually moving. There is a faint sound of a door opening behind him but he brushes it off as a neighbor. But then he hears a voice. It's too muffled for him to make out. The person sounds close but as if they were underwater. 

It's only when Jae notices the shorter figure standing in front of him that he realizes someone is here. His brain attempts to figure out who it is but his rising fever is frying his thoughts. 

"Jae?" The figure yells but Jae doesn't speak. 

He stares, swaying on the balls of his feet. The person's cold hands cup his warm cheeks. It feels nice. Jae stumbles a step forward and his body completely numbs. He sucks in a shallow breath before everything goes white. 

"Shit." Dowoon catches Jae as he collapses into his arms. "Jae!" 

He carefully rests the boy on the floor, panicked by the sweat seeping into his clothes. How long has Jae been sick? How did Dowoon not notice anything? He..looked fine this morning..

Dowoon snaps back to attention as Jae weakly wraps his hand around his arm. "Hey, what's going on, Jae?" 

Jae again is silent. He can only stare at Dowoon, eyes half shut. His skin prickles as the familiar feeling of rising stomach acid takes him over. Dowoon stares in shock and panic as Jae falls to the side, puking up blood spotted bile onto the carpet and his hands. A harsh, sickly gasp escapes Jae’s throat. Dowoon wraps his arms around Jae’s waist, pulling him back up to his feet. 

He struggles to half carry the boy to the bathroom. Jae blindly fights him from taking his shirt off. Once the fabric is forced over his head, Dowoon freezes. His fingers lightly caress the bruises to Jae’s collarbone, the scratches deep across his chest. 

Biting his tears back, he struggles to undress Jae the rest of the way. He draws a warm bath before carefully lifting Jae into the water. The smell of bile is quickly replaced with lavender and vanilla as Dowoon cleans the boy’s body. Jae comes to a little more, curling his legs to his chest. 

“Dowoon-” He sees black again, feeling his shoulder hit the cold porcelain. 

He comes to, laying in his bed, two figures sitting on either side of him. A hand reaches for his forehead and he flinches back. 

“It’s okay.” Sungjin whispers. “I’m just checking your fever.” 

“Hyung?” Dowoon whimpers, hurting both Sungjin and Jae’s chests. He never calls anyone hyung. But he’s fucking scared. Jae looks awful. “Jae hyung…” 

Jae shivers, realizing too late that he isn’t wearing a shirt. Dowoon’s hand rests on his bare chest. On the wounds Jae’s been hiding for a year. From the two people that are now staring directly at him. He feels so exposed. He wants to puke again, but not from being sick. From stress. 

“I’m sorry.” He gasps for air. 

“Why?” Dowoon pushes his bangs to the side. 

“Sungjin-” Jae’s voice trembles the more he speaks. “I didn’t want him to know..Please tell me you didn’t tell him..” 

Dowoon stares over to Sungjin, confused and concerned. “Tell me what?” 

Sungjin only shakes his head, readjusting the blanket to cover Jae’s torso. He gently presses a kiss against his boyfriend’s forehead. Dowoon sighs and walks out, trying to hide his obvious frustration and concern. The door closes and Jae feels his throat tighten. He shouldn’t have said anything..

“Just get some rest.” Sungjin once again kisses his temple. “I’ll come up with something to tell him. Don’t worry.” 

Jae nods and Sungjin quietly makes his exit. Sungjin treads towards the living room, seeing Dowoon sitting on the couch. The boy seems stuck in thought, trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong with Jae. And why would he keep something from Dowoon? 

“Hey.” Sungjin sits to his left, groaning. He’s still not sure how exactly he’s going to lie to Dowoon but he needs to think of something quick. 

“I don’t like secrets..” Dowoon’s voice is low, he’s slightly pissed that he never noticed something was wrong. “How long has he been sick and what’s wrong?” 

Sungjin lowers his head, fighting back the truth. “I don’t know how long. I assume since he stopped the pills. Withdrawals can hit at any time and sometimes it’s worse than the last time. He just needs rest.” Though that was easier than he expected, he just hopes Dowoon will actually buy it. 

Dowoon nods slowly. “Oh-okay. I’m glad it’s nothing serious. He just looked so..sick..” 

“Addiction’s rough.” He can’t stand the awkward air he is creating. Dowoon perks his head up as Sungjin stands. “If it’s cool with you, I’m gonna stay here tonight to watch over him.” 

“Yeah. No problem.” 

---

Sungjin stares at his laptop, his chest tight. In front of him are the results for his routine blood test and screening. He got worried when his doctor scheduled an appointment with him for tomorrow and decided to look up his chart. He supposes he saw this coming..but it can’t be right..Hopefully it’s a mistake and they mixed his results up. 

The front door opens and Younghyun walks in. The boy pauses for a moment, almost forgetting Sungjin moved in 2 weeks ago. Sungjin closes his laptop as Younghyun sits down. 

“Good day?” Sungjin asks, forcing a smile. 

“Yeah, actually.” Younghyun sighs in relief. He signed with that company and met his manager today. “I actually feel kinda welcomed. They’re gonna help me find smaller gigs so I can get more training. They suggested modeling but to not get discouraged if I didn’t get anything for a while.” 

“Great. I’m glad.” His voice scratches and he can tell Younghyun notices. He twitches and grabs his phone. “I need to pick Dowoon up from his appointment.” He stands and Younghyun pouts a little. “Do you want to come with?” 

Younghyun shakes his head. “No, I think I’m gonna take a nap.” 

Sungjin nods, grabbing his keys and making his way out the door. He makes it to his car and feels tears welling in his eyes. God, he fucking hopes those results are wrong. He knows they aren’t. Which causes said tears to stain his cheeks. 

He shouldn’t be surprised. He’s not surprised. But it’s still a hard fucking punch in the face. Fuck. Maybe he can just keep this a secret. He isn’t going to be able to keep it a secret. It’ll be too obvious. 

He pulls up to the hospital entrance, seeing Dowoon waiting out front. The boy quickly skips to the car and gets in. Dowoon noticed Sungjin’s red, puffy eyes. 

“You okay?” Dowoon furrows his brows. 

“I’m fine,” Sungjin sniffles, pulling out of the lot, “hopefully.” 

“That didn’t sound convincing.” 

The older boy grips the steering wheel. He grits his teeth, deciding to just wait until they get back to the flat. Or Sungjin can work on Dowoon’s, or rather, Jae’s car so the boy can use it again. Maybe it’ll take his mind off everything. 

“I don’t know yet.” Is all he can respond before the car goes quiet. 

They reach the flat and see Younghyun staring at Sungjin’s laptop, eyes wide. Sungjin pales and remembers he never logged out from his medical chart. 

Younghyun looks up, his jaw dropped. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-I just wanted to-" He frowns. "Sungjin.." 

Sungjin rushes to close the laptop once again. He knows both of the boys will want an explanation. "It's okay." 

"Okay, what's going on?" Dowoon snaps. "Are you fucking dying or something?" His cheeks numb as Sungjin doesn't immediately answer. "Sungjin?"

"N-No, I'm fine. It'll be fine." 

Dowoon storms over to his laptop, ripping it open and sitting beside Younghyun. Thankfully for him, it hadn't shut off yet and the page is still up. He reads down the list of results for Sungjin’s medical records, stopping when he sees what has to be wrong. 

"W-what?" He whimpers. 

"Don't worry, guys. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow to figure out what's fully going on." 

Dowoon rips from the couch, rushing to the room. Younghyun follows. He pushes in to see Dowoon pacing around, tugging at his bangs. 

“Woon-” Younghyun approaches him. 

Dowoon laughs and shakes his head. “I can’t do this. He can’t- those results have to be wrong. I can’t lose another person.” 

“Dowoon.” Younghyun grabs his shoulders, physically stopping him in his tracks. “It’s okay. Sungjin’s a fighter. He isn’t going to let anything happen to him.” 

There’s a knock on the door and they both turn to see Sungjin slowly walk in. He goes over to the bed and sits. 

“My dad died when I was 14.” He begins, knowing this story pains Younghyun. “I was told I may develop the same cancer as him but I was so afraid to get tested because I didn’t want to worry my mom. We didn’t have insurance so the thought of drowning her in medical bills was worse than anything. Younghyun was able to drag me a few times to the free clinic down the road from our place.” He stops to calm himself down. “It was bound to happen eventually but I’m hoping it’s not advanced.”